Академический Документы
Профессиональный Документы
Культура Документы
The kibbutz in Israel constitutes one of the few places in Western culture where one is able to
examine the essence of an "authentic emotional divorce" because of the minor role of factors that
are extraneous to the disruption of the emotional marital attachment itself. This is the case
because the kibbutz is a society that is based and functions upon principles that neutralize to a
large extent the legal, economic, and co-parenting obstacles to a constructive divorce. Although
there are significant differences in the severity of the post-divorce conflict, the divorce crisis is
rather similar in kibbutz and non-kibbutz settings regarding both the quality of the emotional
responses and the nature of the influencing factors - thus pointing to the ubiquitousness of the
human condition.
1 Doubtless, divorce is a major, critical life event that is almost always associated with
considerable tension and stressful emotional problems. And yet it is difficult to ascertain the
relative weight, within the complex of the post-separation emotional reactions, of socioeconomic
factors versus the purely affective components that influence the quality of the marital relationship.
Most people who divorce in the traditional family setting of Western culture face two distinct yet
overlapping areas of conflict resulting from the dissolution of marriage. On the one hand, they
must try to copy with manifold marital issues within a legal system that encourages adversarial
positions: divorce negotiations often include litigation over custody arrangements for minor
children, child support, and division of marital property. Simultaneously, the divorced couple has
to face the emotional effects of the separation. These add up to what is usually labeled as the
"emotional divorce", and include the reactions and feelings related to the sense of failure in
marriage, the symptoms of decathexis from a love object, and the difficulties in adjusting to
autonomy, loneliness, and a new life style.
2 The kibbutz in Israel constitutes one of the few places in Western culture where one is able to
examine the essence of an "authentic emotional divorce" because of the minor role of extraneous
socioeconomic factors that do not belong to the disruption of the emotional marital attachment
proper. This is the case because the kibbutz is a society that is based and functions upon principles
that neutralize to a large extent the legal, economic, and parenthood obstacles to a constructive
divorce.
1
Plenary Address at the 6th International Congress of Family Therapy, Jerusalem, Israel,
March 29 to April 3rd, 1992.
1
The kibbutz principles include: (1) collective ownership of the means of production, with no
private property accumulated by the individual member (hence, no reason for conflicts over
questions of property); (2) collective responsibility for all material, cultural, educational, and health
needs of the divorcing couple and their children (hence, no danger of economic stress, and no
reason to demand alimony or child support); (3) separate and equal housing facilities for both
members of the divorcing couple, based on the accepted standard for all kibbutz members (hence,
both members of the divorcing couple continue to maintain the network of social relations that had
preceded the divorce); (4) equal rights and opportunities offered to both parents by an agreed,
egalitarian arrangement of co-parenting (hence, as long as both parents remain in the kibbutz, there
is no reason for problems about custody of the children and parental visitation rights).
3 In the kibbutz, therefore, divorce does not change one's place of residence, social status, place
of work, or economic stability, since the communal services continue to fill all the material needs of
the individual member. Divorced persons find little difficulty in maintaining their normal
household routines, the community taking full responsibility for day-to-day functions such as
shopping, cooking, laundry, home maintenance, as well as all physical, educational, and medical
needs of the family.
4 From a technical point of view, separation does not involve too many changes in the role of
parenting, or disruption in the lives of the children. Children continue to be cared for in the
children's houses during the parents' working hours. The kibbutz fully practices the principle of
equality for both of the former spouses regardless of the cause of divorce. The divorced father is
free to be with his children to the same extent as the mother, and there are no difficulties in
arranging for equal division of the children's leisure hours between the two parents.
5 In contrast, in urban societies of comparable socioeconomic level, divorce is frequently
accompanied by considerable material stress. Spanier and Casto (1979) found that about 60% of
divorced American women complained of a substantial deterioration in their economic situation
after separation. For them, divorce often means less money, more modest housing in a poorer
neighborhood, and greater social isolation exacerbated by an increased family burden. One of the
former partners is forced to look for alternative housing, and this may lead to radical changes in the
parent's contact with the children. The custodial parent, usually the mother, must become
accustomed to her new status as a single parent, while the other is forced to accommodate himself
to visiting rights, and to see his children less frequently than in the past. In the city, issues of
alimony may become a major source of conflict with severe implications for post-divorce
adaptation.
2
6. Due to its special nature, therefore, the kibbutz offers a unique research laboratory for
investigating the effects of divorce and post-divorce adjustment. This article aims at summarizing
our findings on divorce in the kibbutz over the past 10 years, with a view to comparing these
findings with data from other settings, and to determining what lessons can be drawn from the
kibbutz experience.
4
exerted many additional pressures on marital relations, frequently aggravating marital discord and
sometimes leading to separation.
6
members, with the society exerting considerable pressure on individual members to adapt
themselves to the accepted behavior patterns and the agreed-upon values of the community, there is
an extremely low incidence of chronic alcoholism or of physical abuse of women and children.
18 The factors described above offer sufficient explanation for the fact that the initiative for
divorce in the kibbutz comes in equal measure from the wives and the husbands. It is also evident
that the motives of kibbutz women for separation are more likely to be concerned with emotional
aspects of the marital relationship than with marital/material well-being.
19 In our study, about 40% of the subjects defined themselves as non-initiators of the marital
dissolution. On the average they exhibited substantially more emotional complications than the
initiator of divorce. Among the non-initiators, the group that revealed most severe post-divorce
conflict is that of respondents whom we labeled "the surprised spouse" (3l% of our sample), who
reported lack of awareness of marital conflict prior to the divorce. Obviously, any unanticipated
loss constitutes a serious traumatic event since it rules out the possibility of a slow, gradual
adjustment to the new life situation. In the case of unilateral divorce, in addition to the unexpected
loss of a love-object, there is also the wounded self-esteem of the non-initiator, who tends to
respond to the initiative of the partner with long-term reactions of anger, desires to retaliate, and
uncompromising demands. When the lack of symmetry over the decision to divorce appears linked
to the involvement of the ex-mate with a third party, a severe post-separation conflict usually
evolves.
Determinants of Breakup
20 As a result of the particular conditions of the kibbutz, which eliminate legal, religious, or
economic obstacles to the decision of one or both spouses to separate, the resolution to continue to
terminate the marriage can be seen to depend primarily on the quality of the marital relationship
itself. It is, therefore, of great interest to know the reasons for divorce under such circumstances.
Covert Conflict
21 In contrast to the prevailing impression that the major cause of divorce lies in an overt conflict
full of disputes and quarrels, we found that the most frequent factor leading to divorce in the
kibbutz is a covert, subtle conflict, prevailing over a long period of time. More than a third (37%)
of the kibbutz divorce subjects indicated that the final decision to separate resulted from an
accumulation of discomfort and lack of satisfaction from the marital bond, and not from noisy
arguments or open conflict. A central component of this state of discontent is emotional alienation
(sometimes accompanied by physical and sexual distancing), leading to progressive, mutual
estrangement. She or he feels trapped, but finds it difficult to take the initiative in expressing
7
distress and trying to alter the family situation. (We refer to the spouse in such a predicament as the
"silent complainer"). The silent complainer who finally decides to initiate the divorce does so, on
the average, after about 10 years of an ungratifying marital relationship, when, under the stress of
critical life events and changes, she or he finds it difficult to maintain the homeostatic marital
balance. The break generally follows a period of painful indecision over breaking up a stable and
familiar life pattern, the fear of loneliness, guilt feelings as to the effect of the divorce on the
partner and the children, and the reactions of many surprised kibbutz members who may consider
the act to be the result of a poorly thought-out impulse.
22 The decision to divorce after years of hidden dissatisfaction may be sparked by a meaningful
tie-up with a third party or by significant transitional changes in the life cycle. In the kibbutz, such
changes might include beginning or terminating a period of service on behalf of the kibbutz outside
its physical confines; the beginning or end of a period of study; or the children's decision to leave
the kibbutz upon reaching adulthood. An additional factor, which would seem to be unique to the
kibbutz, is a phenomenon that may be termed "collective contagion": the influence on a given
individual of the decision by another couple in the kibbutz to seek divorce. In a study of the
determinants of divorce in the past 10 years, conducted in 73 kibbutzim, we found that in more than
half of 600 cases of marital separation the divorces appeared as a "mini-epidemic” - concentrated
within a span of less than 6 months - alternating with a "quiet" period of about 1-2 years with not
a single case of marital separation (Palgi et al., 1965).
23 About one-third of all the divorced subjects included in the category of covert conflict
indicated that one of the decisive reasons for the divorce was the low level of mutuality of views,
values, and interests regarding social life, as well as priorities in fun and leisure-time activities.
The main complaint in these subjects was the low correlation of mutual interests that might hold
them together. The husband and wife find few topics for conversation outside work and the
children; their talks become punctuated by prolonged silences.
24 Most respondents in this category declared that this low level of mutual interests, opinions,
and philosophy of life was "discovered" in the early stages of their marriage; but, rather than
accommodating to this situation, they increasingly found themselves under stress because of it. In
many cases the awareness of the lack of common interests existed before the marriage, but various
considerations caused the marriage to take place anyhow, in the hope that, with time, bridges would
be built over the abyss. This kind of marriage, with no common basis of views and preferences,
and with little sharing of enjoyable event, did not generally lead to open conflicts but, rather, to
cumulative frustrations and disappointments. The marriage turned quite dull, lacking the
enrichment that shared experiences of a positive and enjoyable nature could lend to it.
8
25 About one-third of the divorced individuals included in the category of covert conflict pointed
specifically to a deficit in the affective quality of the marriage and described a condition of
emotional alienation. Generally the complainer drew a picture of a couple living parallel lives
lacking in intimacy and warmth. The interaction lacked pleasing and caring behavior. The
marriage soon turned routine, without vitality, surprise, fun. In most cases the non-initiator looked
upon the marriage as fixed and irreversible, with no thoughts as to the possibility of divorce since
there was no overt conflict or friction in the day-to-day relations. The initiator of divorce (the silent
complainer), who usually displayed a continuous pattern of conflict avoidance, often described the
marriage as "lifeless" or "dead", with an "emotional cutoff", and she or he frequently would seek
affective compensation, mainly in the form of an extramarital relationship.
Overt Conflict
26 Most people associate divorce with arguments, loud quarrels, and mutual vicious attacks in the
style of the couple in "Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf". In the kibbutz, severe and open marital
conflict with frequent arguments and noisy quarrels appears with lower frequency (26%) as the
principal cause of separation, when compared with 37% of the respondents who gave covert
chronic conflict as the decisive reason for divorce. Most respondents in the overt conflict group
reported a consistent pattern of sharp, destructive quarrels over both major and minor issues, with
constant mutual recriminations, accusations, and insults. After going through a series of destructive
fights, involving reciprocal negative remarks and uncontrolled verbal attacks, each of the partners
becomes well-equipped with both a "bank account" of legitimate claims and an "arsenal of
weapons" to attack the spouse's Achilles' heel. However, despite the clear-cut conflict and the
constant mutual threats of separation, the couple for a long time would find it difficult to take the
final step. In more of our cases there were several short-lived separations that ended in a
reconciliation and an agreement to give the marriage one more chance. This closed circle of
prolonged quarrels and brief periods of accommodation would sometimes go on for years, until one
of partners reached a final decision to divorce. In our sample we found that the decision to break
up often came just as one of the partners - independently of the other - decided to seek
psychological help for the marital difficulties.
Extramarital Involvement
27 Many recent studies show that between 40-50% of all married males and females among
Western, urban middle-class couples engage in extramarital relations (EMR) within the first 10
9
years of the their marriage. A survey that we conducted in five randomly chosen kibbutz
communities in 1984 showed a similar figure: 39% of 412 kibbutz couples (married on the average
for 9 years), in response to a questionnaire sent by us assuring anonymity and professional secrecy,
reported that they had been involved in EMR. We found a somewhat greater prevalence EMR
among women (54%) than among men (46%), but this difference lacked statistical significance.
There is an interesting discrepancy between our data and comparable data collected in American
society, where, in contrast to the kibbutz frame, men are more likely to engage in extramarital sex
than women. On the basis of our data, we cannot support the view of Ellis (1969) that "the female
of the human species seems less strongly motivated toward plural sexuality than is the male" (pp.
154). The specific case of the kibbutz appears to indicate that differences between the sexes with
regard to EMR are not genetically or phylogenetically motivated, but rather must be considered
related to dissimilar social and situational circumstances, particularly the absence in the kibbutz of
double standards of sexual conduct that one finds in most Western cultures.
28 A comparison between our findings and those of other researchers shows great similarity
between the kibbutz and other social settings as to both the overall extent of EMR and its effect on
divorce. In our sample of 100 divorced kibbutz members, 30% claimed that the breakup was
caused - either in great measure or even decisively - by emotional involvement with a third party.
However, the fact that in 70% of the cases EMR did not figure as a major factor and that a
significant number of extramarital relations are not followed by separation or divorce tends to
refute the statement of Dicks (1967): "Adultery, when it becomes known to the spouse, is the most
serious threat to the great majority of marriages" (p. 165). Our clinical experience in the kibbutz
shows that the discovery of the spouse's infidelity, though the cause of grievous hurt and sometimes
of an acute family crisis, does not in most cases lead to a termination of the marriage. A real danger
to the marriage arises if the relationship with the new lover offers an attainable alternative that
seems preferable to a marriage that has been failing for a prolonged period of time.
29 In contrast with American studies, which show that no more than 15% of the divorced persons
eventually marry the EMR partner (Hetherington, Cox, & Cox, 1977), we have found that 82% of
the kibbutz respondents who acknowledged involvement with a third party as the decisive factor in
the family breakup did establish a permanent and binding tie with the new partner shortly after the
termination of the previous marriage.
30 In the kibbutz, as in other settings, whenever a marriage is broken up because of a new lover,
we found that it is the husband rather than the wife who takes in the initiative to separate, the
proportion being 2:1. This finding seems surprising and seemingly not in consonance with two
other findings: (1) that in the kibbutz there is no significant difference between men and women in
the frequency of initiating separation; and (2) that, if there is any gender difference at all with
10
regard to the frequency of EMR, females will be more likely engaged in extramarital affairs. In
view of the above, the answer to the intriguing question why more men than women are motivated
to terminate their marriage because of third-party involvement may perhaps lie in the somewhat
different motive for women to become involved in EMR than for men. Apparently, in a significant
number of couples, men and women perceive quite differently the meaning of extramarital sex with
regard to the marital relationship. On the basis of the answers of the respondents in our study, we
fully agree with Thompson's (1984) assumption that extramarital sex among women if often
motivated by "pull" factors of curiosity about a new experience, and sometimes the search for
personal growth, whereas among men the "push" factors of an unsatisfactory marriage are more
frequently reported as the precursors of EMR.
31 We have found an additional interesting gender difference in our sample of kibbutz divorced
persons who rated EMR as the decisive cause of divorce: most men who reached the decision to
terminate their marriage did so after a slow and gradual process, sometimes after a period of
indecision lasting a number of years, whereas divorce following a passionate love affair that left no
room for compromise or delay occurred more frequently among women.
12
40 In summary, it is clear that in the kibbutz a high percentage of divorced persons react to the
traumatic event of separation with emotional responses that in their essence are similar to those in
other frameworks. The main difference would seem to be a decline in severity and duration of the
affective reactions, although, obviously, divorce also constitutes a major crisis in the kibbutz, and
not all persons attain a successful post-divorce adjustment. Altogether, 24% of the kibbutz
divorced persons reported conflictual relations with their former mate even at the end of the second
post-divorce year. This is a finding not to be treated lightly. In a previous study of kibbutz
divorces (Pagli el al.,1985), we found that two-thirds of the divorced individuals who have failed to
overcome the divorce crisis in the first 2 years, and who do not manage to complete their emotional
divorce within this time span, will continue to show signs of the conflict for at least 5 years.
41 In order to decrease the risk of chronic post-divorce conflict and in order to enable a
therapeutic intervention as early as possible, it is important to identify the symptoms that point to
the development of a pathological emotional divorce. We have found that four emotional responses
are related, at a statistically significant level, to a high risk of marked and persistent post-divorce
conflict:
- deep sadness and symptoms of depression
- severe anger, hate, and hostile interactions with ex-spouse
- feelings of guilt toward the children
- intense jealousy toward the third party
The persistence of these reactions during the second half of the first year after divorce, points to the
danger that a serious, long-standing, post-divorce emotional conflict will be created. In our
experience, this at-risk group calls for prompt therapeutic intervention to prevent as far as possible
the development of a chronically unfinished emotional divorce.
15
proximity to each other, for the benefit of both the parents and the children involved in a co-
parenting arrangement (Kaffman et al, 1989a).
16
be that the decision to ask for a year's leave was brought on by the special severity of the divorce
conflict in question.
52 Not all divorced persons in the kibbutz are ready to endure the ordeal of forced civility at the
peak of the divorce crisis. A significant minority prefers to leave the kibbutz, either temporarily or
for good. Current demographic surveys report that 20-25% of all divorced persons leave the
kibbutz within 4 years of the divorce (Pagli et al. 1985). Some of them leave for no reason directly
connected with the divorce, as do other members who are free to leave the kibbutz at any time they
decide to do so. More men than women tend to leave the kibbutz, but the gender difference is not
statistically significant. In the majority of kibbutz divorces, however, both parties stay on the same
kibbutz, in spite of the initial difficulties of coexistence in close geographic proximity. They
remain in the same kibbutz in a state that can be labeled "separation in proximity", with close
contact with the ex-spouse in the course of putting into effect the agreed procedure for the
children's care and other ordinary kibbutz matters. This unique post-divorce interaction between
the former spouses may serve, in a context of a stable support system, as a corrective emotional
experience, fostering a gradual improvement in the quality of the relationship while allowing the
individual greater freedom of action in pursuit of his or her personal plans. Task-oriented relations
between the former spouses are created around the children, relations that often are even more
positive than they were during the marriage.
"Alternate Parenting"
53 According to Wallerstein and Blakeslee, children who are told about the parent's intention to
divorce need to be assured that the breakup does not weaken the bond between parent and child.
They recommend that parents approach the child with a comforting explanation: "Parents may
divorce each other but they do not divorce their children" (p. 287). Unfortunately, this sentence
appears to be untrue for a considerable proportion of children who in real life lose partially or
completely the ordinary contact with the non-custodial parent. For the majority of kibbutz children,
however, the affirmation that "parents do not divorce their children" is factual and honest.
54 In the kibbutz, a unique form of co-parenting has evolved due to the close proximity of parents
after the divorce. For the vast majority of kibbutz children in a divorced family, the continued
relationship with both parents is assured through an alternate parenting arrangement whereby the
children visit each parent on alternate days, or according to some other prearranged, daily schedule.
In this form of co-parenting, each of the divorced parents assumes an equal share of responsibility
for the care of the children. Thus, the traditional forms of custody arrangements, with one primary
parent in one home, are absent from the kibbutz system. This reduces some of the inevitable
17
difficulties faced by single-parent custodial arrangements with regard to bilateral bonding with the
child and such issues as career choice, employment, social life, dating, vacations, and so on,
Furthermore, the alternate parenting arrangement, as instituted by the kibbutz from its early days
some years ago, has been found to foster cooperation and a good working relationship between the
divorced parents, with a consequent reduction in the severity and duration of the divorce conflict.
55 Most divorced couples in our sample admitted, at the end of the great emotional turmoil of the
first months after separation, that they were aware of the fact that the ex-spouse's decision to
remain in the kibbutz offered a great many advantages. When both parents remain close by and
share their children equally, the burden of bringing up the children is eased for both of them. In
most cases the alternate parenting arrangement increased the time available for children to have
contact with both parents.
56 Half of the divorced parents in our sample, mothers and fathers alike, felt that their
involvement with their children after the divorce was stronger than before. We found that 89% of
the mothers and 70% of the fathers saw and interacted with their children at least 4 days a week in
the after-work hours up until bedtime. Each meeting lasted for at least 6 hours, spent in parent-
child interactions. In most cases the principle of joint custody with equal time for each parent was
observed. Two-thirds of the parents in our study reported full satisfaction with the co-parenting
arrangements.
57 In contrast with what is found in the kibbutz, the findings for American divorced families
show that, on the average, a year after separation the parents' weekly time spent with their children
dropped by 22% for the custodial mother and 62% for the father, as compared to the pre-separation
period. Most strongly affected is the degree of involvement and influence of the non-custodial
parent (usually the father), brought on by the lack of day-to-day contact with the children.
58 Only 13% of the kibbutz-divorced parents reported dissatisfaction with the co-parenting
situation. These were mostly antagonistic parents with a high level of post-separation conflict and
a protracted emotional divorce, typically accompanied by vindictive reactions. Even in the cases
where angry, revenge-seeking emotions make any direct communication between ex-spouses
impossible, there is no reason to discontinue the joint custody arrangement. In these difficult cases,
it is customary for the kibbutz to name one of its members as a mediator, acceptable to both
parents, in an effort to reach at least a minimal agreement on arrangements that are beneficial to
both parents and children. It is only in rare cases that the two sides require the help of the mediator
beyond the second year after divorce. By then, most parents are able to meet directly and to reach
decisions that relate to the children by themselves or with the help of the educational staff. The
general outcome is that, in the vast majority of cases, kibbutz divorced parents are able, sooner or
later, to accommodate to each other about child-rearing issues.
18
59 The children accept as quite natural the equal division of their leisure time with each of the
parents separately. From age 3, the children learn with ease to which parent they must go on any
particular day, as they leave the children's house to comply with the arrangements their parents
made for dividing their free time between them. They do not develop "yo-yo" reactions, but rather
maintain a sense of continuity in family life, feeling that, in spite of the divorce, it is not an act of
disloyalty to love both parents.
60 The kibbutz experience negates the pessimistic conclusions of Goldstein, Freud, and Solnit
(1973) that parents who were unable to live together in their marital state would not be able to get
along together in the post separation period, and would tend to use the children as a battleground.
We disagree with their recommendation that once it is decided who is to be the custodial parent, it
should be that parent - and not the court - who is to decide under what conditions he or she will
raise the child, thus depriving the non-custodial parent of legally enforceable visitation rights.
61 From our findings about divorce in the kibbutz, we conclude that it is not necessarily a
threatening venture for the two divorced persons to continue living in geographic proximity to each
other and sharing child-rearing activities. Generally, in the course of the second year of separation,
the majority of kibbutz divorced subjects feel satisfied with the co-operation of the ex-mate in
matters affecting their children. In contrast with the above, data about the effects of single
custodial parenting on the relations between the ex-spouses indicate that between one-third to one-
half of American divorced parents become involved in prolonged and often insoluble legal disputes
over custody, visitation rights, and the quality of care the children get with the other spouse. Of
course, alternate parenting in the kibbutz divorced families is neither a panacea nor a guarantee of
happiness for parents or children; yet it appears to be a sound way to reduce some of the negative
implication of the divorce process. Unfortunately, there is no guaranteed way to assure the
happiness of parents and children even in the case of intact families.
Conclusions
62 In summary, the severity of the post-divorce symptoms and the duration of the divorce crises
appear to be less marked in the kibbutz compared to non-kibbutz settings, due to the attenuating
socioeconomic circumstances. However, the quality of the emotional responses and the nature of
the influencing factors are very similar - pointing to the universality of the human condition. For
kibbutz and non-kibbutz families alike, divorce may be a painful wound that cannot heal, a living
and continuing memorial to an idealized past, a rationale for a persistent "victim career", or
conversely, an opportunity for constructive change, a turning point in life toward the fulfillment and
expansion of one's potential.
19
63 For most couples in the kibbutz, divorce is a major stressful event. Post-divorce adjustment is
a complex and gradual process dependent on many factors, including the socioeconomic climate,
the determinants of the breakup, the length of the marriage, the impact of the usual unilateral
decision to divorce, the quality of the pre-divorce conflict, the presence or absence of support
systems, and the availability of new, meaningful relationships. Research on divorce in the kibbutz
indicated the feasibility and the advantages of regular co-parenting, with the parents assuming
equal responsibility for the emotional and material needs of the children in the context of a
continued parent-child relationship in close geographical proximity to both parents.
20