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<i>As you may well know, I am many things.</i>

2
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<i>An arts dealer, an accomplished fencer,</i>

3
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<i>fair shot with most weapons.</i>

4
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<i>I am loved and respected
by all who know me...</i>

5
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<i>slightly.</i>

6
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<i>But I have always felt
there's something missing, you see.</i>

7
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<i>Some final piece of my personal puzzle.</i>

8
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<i>I needed something bold, distinctive.</i>

9
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Thank you.

10
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The work of art with which
I could declare to the heavens,

11
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I am Lord Charlie Mortdecai,

12
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and this little bit of magic

13
00:01:28,805 --> 00:01:31,274
is my moustache.

14
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I see. Shall we to business then, Fang?
15
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Would you mind?

16
00:01:44,687 --> 00:01:47,214
"Find," you said.

17
00:01:48,057 --> 00:01:52,094
And find, I have done.

18
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The Qianlong vase.

19
00:02:03,840 --> 00:02:06,276
Very, very rare.

20
00:02:06,376 --> 00:02:09,012
Low-fired with an immersion glaze?

21
00:02:09,112 --> 00:02:11,881
None of the southern
Yangtze ceramics are low-fired.

22
00:02:11,981 --> 00:02:14,751
But you know that. You're testing me.

23
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I'm so terribly sorry.
Mosquito. You see it?

24
00:02:20,757 --> 00:02:22,992
Why don't you test the vase instead?

25
00:02:23,092 --> 00:02:26,963
I am sure that you will agree it is
a bargain at two million pounds.

26
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Everyone knows you're broke.

27
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You will take one million.

28
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Golly, that was a big one!
29
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Well, have it your way, Fang.

30
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One million pounds.

31
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I trust that you have
brought the treasuries?

32
00:02:54,724 --> 00:02:58,068
I think I'll keep the money.
And the vase.

33
00:02:59,696 --> 00:03:01,798
You cheated me in our last deal.

34
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I paid three million for that tapestry,

35
00:03:06,670 --> 00:03:10,773
then found out it is worth only one!

36
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You took from me.
Now I will take from you.

37
00:03:19,849 --> 00:03:24,187
Now, you look here, Fang!
Fat. Fang Fat.

38
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I'm an art dealer, not a charlatan.

39
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A rogue, perhaps, a scamp
or scoundrel, I will grant you.

40
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But never an outright mountebank.

41
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Enough!

42
00:03:36,199 --> 00:03:41,307
You owe me. I believe a finger
would be fair. Don't you?

43
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No!

44
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Jock!

45
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I wouldn't, mate. I really wouldn't.

46
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Jockie, thank heavens!
Where have you been, man?

47
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Right behind you as always, sir.

48
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Jock!

49
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Well done, Jockie.

50
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It's a privilege, sir!

51
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Jock, you're ablaze!

52
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- Well, I think our work here is done.
- Time to go, sir.

53
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<i>Jock laid out the state
of our financial affairs.</i>

54
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<i>Basically, they involved debt.</i>

55
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<i>Massive, crushing debt.</i>

56
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<i>We hurried back to Mortdecai Manor,
where my beloved wife, Johanna,</i>

57
00:05:19,936 --> 00:05:22,505
<i>having heard of our financial distress,</i>

58
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<i>was arriving home to sell off
some of my prized possessions.</i>

59
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<i>Even my horsey picture
was on the block.</i>

60
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<i>But I was hopeful my new moustache</i>
<i>would cheer her up.</i>

61
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Darling!

62
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Oh, God, I missed you terribly.

63
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<i>Johanna. Love of my life.
Apple of my eye.</i>

64
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I so wish you had been there.

65
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Can you imagine the two of us
in that frigid city,

66
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only our passions keeping us...
Whoa! What is that?

67
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Just a little something I cooked up
whilst you were away, my darling.

68
00:05:58,207 --> 00:06:00,377
I do believe it was
Maggie Thatcher who said
69
00:06:00,477 --> 00:06:03,315
that kissing a man without a moustache

70
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is rather like eating an egg
without salt.

71
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- Oh, don't point that thing at me.
- Told ya.

72
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I have put no inconsiderable thought
and effort into this endeavor.

73
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You see, the domain of a man's
upper lip is his sovereign ground...

74
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- You have five minutes to shave it off.
- Every Mortdecai man before me

75
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had the same. Why can't I?

76
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Oh, I happen to be terribly fond of it,

77
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and I have had every intention
of seeing it through.

78
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You mean it's going to get bigger?

79
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It will come to fruition, yes.

80
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Oh, darling...

81
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You really won't shave it off?
82
00:06:50,960 --> 00:06:56,966
I can't, my duck. Not at this juncture.
It's not even fully corked. It's a baby.

83
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- Jock?
- Yes, madam?

84
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Please, will you make up
the guest bedroom for Mr. Mortdecai?

85
00:07:02,905 --> 00:07:04,341
Already have, madam.

86
00:07:04,441 --> 00:07:06,656
And I shan't be having dinner
downstairs this evening.

87
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I'll just have a supper tray
in my room.

88
00:07:09,879 --> 00:07:11,905
Very good, madam.

89
00:07:14,417 --> 00:07:15,818
I do believe Jock has informed you

90
00:07:15,918 --> 00:07:19,481
that we are staring down
the barrel of insolvency.

91
00:07:19,583 --> 00:07:21,460
What do you plan to do about it?

92
00:07:21,560 --> 00:07:23,960
Right. Yes, well...

93
00:07:24,060 --> 00:07:28,237
That... Well... Quite.

94
00:07:28,337 --> 00:07:31,884
First thing we're doing
is selling off that Sheridan.
95
00:07:35,037 --> 00:07:36,773
My sweet little love beast,

96
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I am sure that we will come up with the
necessary funds by the end of the month.

97
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- What is today, the fifth!
- The 26th, sir.

98
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- All right. That gives us six...
- Four days, sir.

99
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Jock? Please can you take the Sheridan
up to London in the morning?

100
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I'm entering it in the Autumn
Masters Auction.

101
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- Right you are, madam.
- Come, come. Let's not be rash.

102
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We cannot go about selling off
family heirlooms willy-nilly.

103
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I'm afraid I shall have
to put my foot down, darling.

104
00:08:01,497 --> 00:08:03,499
Sorry?

105
00:08:03,599 --> 00:08:05,739
With your permission, of course.

106
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Bugger it. Oh, there he is.

107
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She'll come around, Jock.
How could she not?

108
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She's only human, sir.

109
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<i>A quick aside about Jock.</i>

110
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<i>In addition to being
my manservant and thug,</i>

111
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<i>he also maintains an enviable rate
of sexual intercourse,</i>

112
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<i>which can be occasionally problematic.</i>

113
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<i>Recently, after we'd concluded the sale
of a painting to a wealthy turkey farmer...</i>

114
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What was that?

115
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- Get your head down, sir.
- What have you done now, man?

116
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Onward, Jock! Onward!
Don't shoot, farmer!

117
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Dad! What the hell are you doing?

118
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Jock! Jock, wait! Jock!
I have me own apartment!

119
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Crikey, man! The farmer's daughter?

120
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I only gave her the once-over.
121
00:09:04,293 --> 00:09:08,030
- Where do you find the time?
- Sorry, twice-over.

122
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<i>Dear, sweet, simple Jock.</i>

123
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<i>Every man should have a Jock,
don't you think?</i>

124
00:09:20,209 --> 00:09:23,746
<i>Meanwhile, not far away,</i>

125
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<i>our fortunes were about
to become intertwined</i>

126
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<i>with one of the art world's
greatest mysteries.</i>

127
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<i>And a dead hag.</i>

128
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Bull's-eye.

129
00:09:51,607 --> 00:09:55,311
Miss Bronwen? Everything all right?

130
00:10:30,746 --> 00:10:32,782
Get back behind the tape!

131
00:10:32,882 --> 00:10:36,423
Excuse me. This is a crime scene.

132
00:10:37,720 --> 00:10:39,786
Hello?

133
00:10:39,886 --> 00:10:41,323
Who is this guy?

134
00:10:41,423 --> 00:10:45,061
You and your men have done an admirable job
stomping all over the place.

135
00:10:45,161 --> 00:10:48,197
Your services are no longer required.

136
00:10:49,198 --> 00:10:52,167
Sorry, Inspector Martland, sir.

137
00:10:52,901 --> 00:10:55,938
Sorry, sir. I had no idea, sir.

138
00:10:58,407 --> 00:11:01,410
Can I have all Thames Valley
police officers back in their cars, please?

139
00:11:01,510 --> 00:11:04,533
There's been a jurisdictional change.

140
00:11:13,256 --> 00:11:15,591
That painting could be
anywhere by now, sir.

141
00:11:15,691 --> 00:11:18,260
Yes, I suppose it could.

142
00:11:18,360 --> 00:11:20,729
You know we're going to
have to ring him, don't you, sir?

143
00:11:20,829 --> 00:11:22,431
No, I do not know that, Maurice.

144
00:11:22,531 --> 00:11:24,833
No one knows the filthy underside
of the art world better than he, sir.

145
00:11:24,933 --> 00:11:27,436
He is the filthy underside.

146
00:11:28,704 --> 00:11:31,240
Why did it have to be art?

147
00:11:32,675 --> 00:11:36,779
<i>Inspector Alastair Martland. MI5.</i>
148
00:11:36,879 --> 00:11:39,115
<i>Martland and I met at Oxford.</i>

149
00:11:39,215 --> 00:11:41,918
<i>Once in a while I provide him
with some off-the-record help</i>

150
00:11:42,018 --> 00:11:45,321
<i>with the seedier side
of art collecting.</i>

151
00:11:45,421 --> 00:11:51,527
<i>And in exchange, he gives me
a wide berth to ply my craft.</i>

152
00:11:51,627 --> 00:11:55,365
<i>He is also desperately in love
with my wife.</i>

153
00:11:55,965 --> 00:11:58,567
<i>Rather annoying, really.</i>

154
00:11:58,667 --> 00:11:59,933
What?

155
00:12:00,033 --> 00:12:01,961
Inspector Martland, sir.

156
00:12:02,061 --> 00:12:04,707
What does that blighter want?

157
00:12:04,807 --> 00:12:07,143
Tell him to ring back when my marriage
isn't falling apart.

158
00:12:07,243 --> 00:12:10,413
- No, he's here, sir.
- He is?

159
00:12:10,513 --> 00:12:13,549
Oh, all right. Wheel him in.

160
00:12:15,651 --> 00:12:18,721
- Don't get up.
- I wasn't going to.
161
00:12:19,655 --> 00:12:23,360
Beware the carafe on the top shelf.
It contains water.

162
00:12:24,160 --> 00:12:26,896
<i>Ignoring some of the more
inviting bottles on the drinks tray,</i>

163
00:12:26,996 --> 00:12:29,297
<i>he reached underneath
for the big decanter,</i>

164
00:12:29,397 --> 00:12:34,103
<i>and poured himself a gross amount
of what he thought was my Taylor '31.</i>

165
00:12:34,203 --> 00:12:36,455
<i>Score one for Mortdecai,</i>

166
00:12:36,555 --> 00:12:41,110
<i>for I had filled it with an invalid port
of unbelievable nastiness.</i>

167
00:12:41,210 --> 00:12:43,880
- Oh, excellent.
- <i>Score two.</i>

168
00:12:43,980 --> 00:12:46,633
Bit of cheese to go with that?

169
00:12:46,916 --> 00:12:50,151
I should think the special one, Jock.

170
00:13:02,631 --> 00:13:04,834
What is that infernal thing
on your lip?

171
00:13:06,268 --> 00:13:07,870
Is there a purpose to your presence?

172
00:13:08,070 --> 00:13:10,106
You're in the hole
to Her Majesty's government

173
00:13:10,206 --> 00:13:12,975
to the tune of eight million
quid, old boy.

174
00:13:13,275 --> 00:13:17,681
I had no idea I was so deep
in Her Majesty's hole.

175
00:13:21,984 --> 00:13:25,554
God, oh, God, oh, God, oh, God...

176
00:13:39,301 --> 00:13:40,843
That's not natural.

177
00:13:43,806 --> 00:13:45,828
What do you think?

178
00:13:48,611 --> 00:13:50,947
I think this woman
has need of a chiropractor.

179
00:13:51,047 --> 00:13:54,483
Bronwen Fellworthy,
Oxford art restorer. Did you know her?

180
00:13:54,883 --> 00:13:59,321
Slightly. I do recall
a vague memory of her having once,

181
00:13:59,421 --> 00:14:02,446
involuntarily, one would hope,

182
00:14:02,745 --> 00:14:07,596
releasing a fart of such frightening
power and timbre

183
00:14:07,696 --> 00:14:11,200
that I feared she had done herself
a horrible mischief.

184
00:14:11,300 --> 00:14:12,454
Cheese.

185
00:14:13,402 --> 00:14:15,248
Thank you.

186
00:14:25,681 --> 00:14:30,186
Three months ago, a small Spanish museum
sent her a Goya to be cleaned.

187
00:14:30,286 --> 00:14:34,523
Last night she was killed.
Painting has disappeared.

188
00:14:34,623 --> 00:14:37,159
Sad news, particularly for her.

189
00:14:37,259 --> 00:14:39,835
But I don't see
what it has to do with me.

190
00:14:39,935 --> 00:14:44,366
Well, if my men start asking questions,
then the Goya disappears without a trace.

191
00:14:44,466 --> 00:14:49,938
But you, a known trafficker of stolen art,
well, you could make some inquiries.

192
00:14:50,038 --> 00:14:54,143
Why would MI5 be interested
in the theft of a middling Goya?

193
00:14:58,247 --> 00:15:02,392
Emil Strago.
Fundamentalist, revolutionary.

194
00:15:02,492 --> 00:15:06,922
Trained in Syria, fought in Senegal.
An expert in special warfare.

195
00:15:07,022 --> 00:15:10,392
He's linked to a number of terror attacks
all around the world.

196
00:15:10,492 --> 00:15:12,194
All right, he's unpleasant.
What of him?

197
00:15:12,294 --> 00:15:17,216
Well, we believe he entered the country
with the purpose of finding that painting.

198
00:15:17,316 --> 00:15:19,401
- Why?
- We don't know why.

199
00:15:19,501 --> 00:15:22,071
But if Strago is involved,
well, suffice it to say,

200
00:15:22,171 --> 00:15:24,924
it's a matter
of urgent national security.

201
00:15:25,024 --> 00:15:28,910
And you would like me
to find it before he does?

202
00:15:29,511 --> 00:15:31,356
Precisely.

203
00:15:32,715 --> 00:15:35,417
I've given you a lot of rope
over the years, Charlie.

204
00:15:35,517 --> 00:15:37,935
But now you're dangling
off the end of it.

205
00:15:38,687 --> 00:15:40,723
Help me find that painting,

206
00:15:40,823 --> 00:15:44,126
or I'll have the magistrate open that file
and prosecute at random.

207
00:15:44,226 --> 00:15:48,330
<i>It was a catalogue of some
of my more unseemly escapades.</i>

208
00:15:48,430 --> 00:15:53,436
<i>The file was fat and well-handled,
like a Welsh barmaid.</i>

209
00:15:53,936 --> 00:15:56,839
It is apparent that you
are well-versed in the stick.

210
00:15:56,939 --> 00:15:59,642
But what of the well-known carrot?
211
00:16:01,443 --> 00:16:04,264
- What's in it for me, as they say?
- Good God, man!

212
00:16:04,364 --> 00:16:08,651
We're talking about a bloodthirsty extremist
threatening the lives of your countrymen.

213
00:16:09,885 --> 00:16:12,721
Well, if you won't do it for me,
do it for Queen and Country.

214
00:16:12,821 --> 00:16:14,704
No!

215
00:16:15,424 --> 00:16:19,195
All right, Queen and Country, travel
and living expenses, reasonable overhead.

216
00:16:19,295 --> 00:16:21,530
Ten percent, sir.

217
00:16:21,630 --> 00:16:24,900
And 10 percent of the insurance money
as a finder's fee.

218
00:16:25,100 --> 00:16:26,803
Done.

219
00:16:27,503 --> 00:16:30,106
Oh, and incidentally,
I asked for some cheese,

220
00:16:30,206 --> 00:16:33,742
not an instrument
of biological warfare.

221
00:16:35,644 --> 00:16:38,247
<i>Score one for Martland.</i>

222
00:16:39,648 --> 00:16:43,719
Martland... What else
can you tell me about Strago?

223
00:16:43,819 --> 00:16:47,356
Well, he's colorblind
and he's allergic to cashews.

224
00:16:47,456 --> 00:16:51,427
Goody. Every subject of the Crown and every
cashew in the Kingdom shall sleep safely.

225
00:16:51,527 --> 00:16:53,462
Johanna, you look lovely.

226
00:16:53,562 --> 00:16:55,531
Alastair.

227
00:16:56,034 --> 00:16:59,335
You do look lovely, darling.
So absolutely lovely.

228
00:16:59,435 --> 00:17:03,099
- I thought that was you.
- Radiant...

229
00:17:03,199 --> 00:17:05,475
<i>Martland also met Johanna at school.</i>

230
00:17:06,608 --> 00:17:09,445
<i>After a three-year courtship,
he finally worked up the courage</i>

231
00:17:09,545 --> 00:17:12,373
<i>to express his feelings to her.</i>

232
00:17:12,473 --> 00:17:14,550
<i>In verse.</i>

233
00:17:14,650 --> 00:17:16,418
Johanna, do you...

234
00:17:16,518 --> 00:17:18,420
<i>Rotten timing for him.</i>

235
00:17:18,520 --> 00:17:20,359
- Martland.
- Hello!

236
00:17:20,459 --> 00:17:23,425
Would you mind terribly,
dear boy, the door?
237
00:17:23,525 --> 00:17:25,711
Of course, I'll just...
I'll shut the door.

238
00:17:25,811 --> 00:17:28,330
Now, what's all this
about a missing Goya?

239
00:17:28,430 --> 00:17:33,135
Oh, it's the house. Terribly vast.
Echo-ey, don't you know?

240
00:17:35,287 --> 00:17:37,373
Well, that's classified information,
I'm afraid.

241
00:17:37,473 --> 00:17:40,376
You know, state secrets
and what have you.

242
00:17:40,476 --> 00:17:44,213
My husband is trying to reclaim his youth
by growing that horrible moustache.

243
00:17:44,313 --> 00:17:46,449
Do inform him
that that ship has sailed.

244
00:17:46,549 --> 00:17:49,218
Every Mortdecai man
before me has had one.

245
00:17:49,318 --> 00:17:52,260
And I will have you know that some members
of the fairer sex

246
00:17:52,360 --> 00:17:54,760
do find it quite appealing.

247
00:17:54,860 --> 00:17:56,817
Whom exactly?

248
00:18:00,195 --> 00:18:02,498
No one in particular, of course.

249
00:18:02,598 --> 00:18:05,167
Metaphoric woman... women.

250
00:18:05,267 --> 00:18:09,655
Metaphorically... general... you know.

251
00:18:10,005 --> 00:18:14,776
If you are growing that excrement
on your lip to please another, know this:

252
00:18:14,876 --> 00:18:16,912
I will kill her.

253
00:18:17,012 --> 00:18:20,916
Oh, Alastair. It's so lovely.
Do come back.

254
00:18:21,016 --> 00:18:24,786
It's so wonderful to have someone
of reasonable intelligence to converse with.

255
00:18:24,886 --> 00:18:27,123
I'd be delighted.

256
00:18:27,623 --> 00:18:31,093
Do I detect a slight crack
in the marital armor?

257
00:18:31,193 --> 00:18:33,195
A mere tiff, old bean. Nothing more.

258
00:18:33,295 --> 00:18:35,814
Oh, really? Seems like
more than a tiff to me.

259
00:18:35,914 --> 00:18:39,968
My wife needs to come around
to a certain viewpoint. That is all.

260
00:18:40,435 --> 00:18:43,652
Well, good luck, mate.
See what you can dig up about that Goya.

261
00:18:43,752 --> 00:18:45,675
Usual channels.
We'll meet in London tomorrow.
262
00:18:45,775 --> 00:18:47,645
Of course.

263
00:18:54,226 --> 00:18:58,987
I had the painting in my hand.
Someone must have known I was coming.

264
00:18:59,655 --> 00:19:02,891
Milton Krampf? The American?

265
00:19:02,991 --> 00:19:05,793
Then it must have been his dealer.

266
00:19:09,057 --> 00:19:12,030
Krampf's dealer, what is his name?

267
00:19:12,130 --> 00:19:14,204
Mortdecai.

268
00:19:22,077 --> 00:19:24,813
Johanna, my darling.

269
00:19:24,913 --> 00:19:28,083
My... My love. My...

270
00:19:28,183 --> 00:19:31,954
My only true love. My... love beast.

271
00:19:32,054 --> 00:19:35,190
My rumpus room rascal.

272
00:19:35,290 --> 00:19:39,828
You have no idea the beast
you are about to receive.

273
00:19:45,634 --> 00:19:47,660
Johanna?

274
00:19:48,303 --> 00:19:51,380
Are you all right in there, darling?

275
00:19:52,007 --> 00:19:54,570
It is I, Charlie.

276
00:19:54,983 --> 00:19:55,997
Your husband.

277
00:19:58,447 --> 00:20:01,683
- What is it?
- Moon of my delight.

278
00:20:01,783 --> 00:20:06,555
This is your own personalized Sheik of Araby
who seeks admission into your tent.

279
00:20:07,155 --> 00:20:09,525
I have come to carry you off
to the burning desert,

280
00:20:09,625 --> 00:20:12,060
and work my greasy will upon you...

281
00:20:12,560 --> 00:20:14,763
under the tropical stars.

282
00:20:14,963 --> 00:20:18,467
Send your camel to bed, damn it!

283
00:20:19,768 --> 00:20:21,448
My Sheik,

284
00:20:21,548 --> 00:20:25,841
does this mean you have excommunicated
that moustache of the Prophet?

285
00:20:27,976 --> 00:20:30,043
I'll trim it.

286
00:20:32,581 --> 00:20:34,450
Darling,

287
00:20:34,550 --> 00:20:37,753
I am embarking
on a very dangerous escapade

288
00:20:37,853 --> 00:20:41,123
from which I may not well return.

289
00:20:41,223 --> 00:20:45,729
And it is customary
in these situations for, you know...

290
00:20:46,394 --> 00:20:47,996
a proper send-off.

291
00:20:48,096 --> 00:20:51,000
Quick session of congress.

292
00:20:51,500 --> 00:20:55,738
Sink the Bismarck, if you will.
And by the way, did I mention...

293
00:20:57,105 --> 00:21:01,026
it is a matter of national security.

294
00:21:09,251 --> 00:21:11,954
It's very difficult for me
as well, you know,

295
00:21:12,054 --> 00:21:14,423
this thing that's come between us.

296
00:21:14,523 --> 00:21:17,092
I know, darling.

297
00:21:22,997 --> 00:21:25,567
No, no. Steady yourself.

298
00:21:27,035 --> 00:21:30,773
I beg you, darling, please. You know
I have a sympathetic gag reflex.

299
00:21:30,873 --> 00:21:33,542
Oh, God. It's unbearable.

300
00:21:33,642 --> 00:21:36,612
- You will get used to it. I promise.
- Why should I have to?

301
00:21:36,812 --> 00:21:38,614
I'm invested in it.

302
00:21:38,714 --> 00:21:42,351
Why can't you invest in saving us
from financial ruin?
303
00:21:42,451 --> 00:21:44,820
Or do you want me
to sort it out for you?

304
00:21:45,821 --> 00:21:49,925
Heavens, no.
You needn't worry yourself.

305
00:21:50,025 --> 00:21:52,779
I have things firmly...

306
00:21:52,879 --> 00:21:55,221
in hand.

307
00:22:03,305 --> 00:22:04,973
My love, you are killing me. Please.

308
00:22:05,073 --> 00:22:09,310
It looked like you have
a vagina on your face.

309
00:22:10,946 --> 00:22:14,749
Surely you mean the pubic hair
above a vagina.

310
00:22:14,849 --> 00:22:16,652
I simply cannot get my head
around that image.

311
00:22:16,752 --> 00:22:20,155
- Oh, Charlie...
- However,

312
00:22:20,922 --> 00:22:26,061
now that you've mentioned it,
I'm unable to steer my mind away from it.

313
00:22:26,161 --> 00:22:29,795
Go stuff a mattress with that thing!

314
00:22:30,966 --> 00:22:33,501
The moustache, I mean.

315
00:22:38,373 --> 00:22:42,511
<i>Sheamus is able to do with a steel
chair in hand. Here we go.</i>
316
00:22:44,980 --> 00:22:46,582
Jockie,

317
00:22:46,682 --> 00:22:48,566
what if...

318
00:22:48,666 --> 00:22:50,683
it isn't just a tiff?

319
00:22:50,783 --> 00:22:54,322
What if this is the well-known "it,"
as it were?

320
00:22:54,522 --> 00:22:58,026
- That'd be awful.
- Jock?

321
00:22:58,894 --> 00:23:01,556
Are you coming back to bed?

322
00:23:03,365 --> 00:23:05,880
Yeah, give us a minute, love.

323
00:23:06,902 --> 00:23:08,203
Hi.

324
00:23:08,403 --> 00:23:10,496
Hello.

325
00:23:14,876 --> 00:23:18,419
And myself sleeping alone.

326
00:23:18,880 --> 00:23:21,149
How do you think
this makes me feel, man?

327
00:23:21,249 --> 00:23:23,251
I dunno, sir.

328
00:23:23,351 --> 00:23:25,287
Dash it all, I am resolved.

329
00:23:25,387 --> 00:23:27,889
If it is money we need,
then it is money we shall have.

330
00:23:27,989 --> 00:23:29,991
Jock?

331
00:23:30,091 --> 00:23:31,960
That's me.

332
00:23:33,962 --> 00:23:38,701
Tomorrow we shall sell off the Rolls
to that vulgar American, Milton Krampf,

333
00:23:38,801 --> 00:23:42,637
and we will find that painting
if it is the last thing we do.

334
00:23:42,737 --> 00:23:45,073
Right-y-oh. I'll call Spinoza
in the morning.

335
00:23:45,173 --> 00:23:46,942
- Yes, do.
- Good night, sir.

336
00:23:47,142 --> 00:23:50,078
- Jock?
- Yes, sir?

337
00:23:50,178 --> 00:23:52,214
Do you think it will be
all right in the end?

338
00:23:52,614 --> 00:23:54,546
I couldn't say, sir.

339
00:24:11,667 --> 00:24:14,503
<i>My first stop was to see
Sir Graham Archer,</i>

340
00:24:14,603 --> 00:24:18,540
<i>rival art dealer and Goya specialist.</i>

341
00:24:18,640 --> 00:24:23,044
<i>A permanent fixture at Sedgwick's
Auction House in Kensington.</i>

342
00:24:24,780 --> 00:24:26,948
I will meet you
at Spinoza's in one hour.

343
00:24:27,048 --> 00:24:29,075
Right you are, sir.

344
00:24:40,028 --> 00:24:43,799
<i>Sir Graham has been the rudest man
in England for years.</i>

345
00:24:43,899 --> 00:24:48,403
<i>Recently, he's been working
his way up to the wickedest.</i>

346
00:24:51,439 --> 00:24:54,175
Looks like something curled up
and died on your lip.

347
00:24:54,275 --> 00:24:56,178
It's not herpetic, I hope.

348
00:24:56,278 --> 00:24:59,314
Hello, Sir Graham, you old member.

349
00:24:59,603 --> 00:25:01,249
Who are you hiding in your belly?

350
00:25:01,349 --> 00:25:06,654
I see you've put your Sheridan up
in next week's sale. Hard times, old boy?

351
00:25:06,754 --> 00:25:11,326
No, no, no, no. Just getting rid of some
choice items while the market's right.

352
00:25:11,426 --> 00:25:14,875
What do you make of
this Bronwen business?

353
00:25:14,975 --> 00:25:20,268
Ghastly affair. One always bemoans
the loss of a great restorer.

354
00:25:20,368 --> 00:25:23,905
Old bag. She should have
put locks on her doors.
355
00:25:24,639 --> 00:25:26,708
You used her frequently, didn't you?

356
00:25:26,808 --> 00:25:30,846
Not lately. She's been unavailable
for three months.

357
00:25:30,946 --> 00:25:34,026
The Goya she was cleaning...

358
00:25:35,083 --> 00:25:37,853
rather simple job, wouldn't you say?

359
00:25:37,953 --> 00:25:40,722
Usual dirt and grime
one finds on the Spaniards.

360
00:25:40,822 --> 00:25:44,058
Haven't the foggiest
why it took her so long.

361
00:25:44,659 --> 00:25:48,063
What's your sudden interest,
if I may ask?

362
00:25:48,163 --> 00:25:53,000
A client with a mild curiosity,
that's all.

363
00:25:56,071 --> 00:26:00,641
We must go shooting again.
Jock has fully recovered.

364
00:26:08,583 --> 00:26:13,722
There's only one reason you might be
interested in a museum-owned Goya,

365
00:26:13,822 --> 00:26:17,225
and that's because
there's money involved.

366
00:26:17,325 --> 00:26:19,427
You are mistaken, sir.

367
00:26:19,527 --> 00:26:23,331
There's a great deal of money involved.

368
00:26:25,733 --> 00:26:29,504
I've always admired your rapacity, sir.

369
00:26:31,439 --> 00:26:33,854
I say, Sir Graham, I wonder,

370
00:26:33,954 --> 00:26:37,326
your... protrusion...

371
00:26:37,426 --> 00:26:42,827
Might it be possible to swing
the old fellow north, as it were?

372
00:26:46,254 --> 00:26:48,657
Who's the client?

373
00:26:48,757 --> 00:26:51,858
Terribly sorry, sworn to secrecy.

374
00:26:53,762 --> 00:26:57,393
Perhaps a brisk walk down the stairs
will do some good.

375
00:26:57,493 --> 00:26:59,337
Yes.

376
00:27:02,070 --> 00:27:05,106
So it's that sort of Goya.

377
00:27:06,141 --> 00:27:08,188
<i>Romanov.</i>

378
00:27:09,044 --> 00:27:12,714
That painted lady
you've been searching for,

379
00:27:12,814 --> 00:27:16,484
I believe she may be in play.

380
00:27:16,584 --> 00:27:18,599
<i>I want that painting.</i>

381
00:27:25,326 --> 00:27:28,082
- Johanna!
- Alastair.

382
00:27:28,630 --> 00:27:31,188
So glad you called.

383
00:27:31,733 --> 00:27:34,703
I've asked for a Chardonnay.
That is your drink, isn't it?

384
00:27:34,803 --> 00:27:36,872
Oh, you remembered.

385
00:27:37,572 --> 00:27:39,307
Thank you.

386
00:27:39,407 --> 00:27:42,944
Oh, God. How thoughtless of me.
You're on duty.

387
00:27:43,304 --> 00:27:46,847
And in charge, thank you very much.

388
00:27:48,616 --> 00:27:50,452
To what do I owe the pleasure?

389
00:27:50,552 --> 00:27:52,754
I was just in the neighborhood
and thought I'd pop 'round,

390
00:27:52,854 --> 00:27:55,423
and see how you secret agent men
run the world.

391
00:27:55,723 --> 00:27:59,761
Not nearly.
Although it is terribly vital work.

392
00:27:59,861 --> 00:28:03,231
It's not all chardonnay
and afternoon trysts.

393
00:28:03,431 --> 00:28:05,600
Is this a tryst?

394
00:28:05,700 --> 00:28:08,160
No, no. No, no, no.

395
00:28:08,260 --> 00:28:10,382
No, no, no, no, no.

396
00:28:10,482 --> 00:28:14,976
No, no, no, no.
No, no, no, no. No, no, no.

397
00:28:15,076 --> 00:28:18,512
- No, I was just...
- Of course you were.

398
00:28:19,147 --> 00:28:21,660
How are things at home?

399
00:28:21,950 --> 00:28:23,785
You've touched a nerve.

400
00:28:23,885 --> 00:28:27,222
You've sensed it, Alastair.
You always were the sensitive one.

401
00:28:27,522 --> 00:28:29,764
- You've got a difficult chap.
- Beastly.

402
00:28:29,864 --> 00:28:33,661
- Bit of a moron, actually.
- Maybe I should have an affair.

403
00:28:33,761 --> 00:28:36,031
- Wouldn't that be funny?
- Hilarious.

404
00:28:36,131 --> 00:28:38,353
- Do you think I could keep it a secret?
- Yes!

405
00:28:38,453 --> 00:28:40,168
Well then, what's the point?

406
00:28:40,268 --> 00:28:43,639
Now, tell me, what are you and my husband
working on at the moment?

407
00:28:43,939 --> 00:28:45,681
Oh...

408
00:28:46,081 --> 00:28:47,931
Well, in vague terms
there's a very bad man

409
00:28:48,031 --> 00:28:49,820
who wants what I want,
and I'm trying to stop him.

410
00:28:49,920 --> 00:28:54,049
And what does a missing Goya
have to do with national security?

411
00:28:54,149 --> 00:28:55,950
In vague terms.

412
00:28:56,050 --> 00:28:57,652
Johanna...

413
00:28:57,752 --> 00:29:00,522
You think poor Miss Fellworthy
stumbled into something,

414
00:29:00,622 --> 00:29:04,125
- and that's why she got killed.
- I really can't say.

415
00:29:04,678 --> 00:29:06,761
This is interesting.

416
00:29:06,861 --> 00:29:10,065
Creates quite a market when a painting
with a little mystery goes missing.

417
00:29:10,165 --> 00:29:13,801
So much to do. What was the name
of Bronwen's college at Oxford?

418
00:29:13,901 --> 00:29:17,605
Johanna, I simply can't.

419
00:29:17,705 --> 00:29:20,752
Right. Sorry.

420
00:29:20,852 --> 00:29:23,979
Oh, golly. Look at the time.
I really must be going.

421
00:29:24,079 --> 00:29:26,014
It was lovely to see you, Alastair.

422
00:29:26,114 --> 00:29:29,084
Thank you ever-so-much
for letting me confide in you.

423
00:29:29,184 --> 00:29:32,186
I feel that I could share
anything with you.

424
00:29:33,014 --> 00:29:35,375
Don't you feel the same?

425
00:29:35,475 --> 00:29:38,026
That you could share with me?

426
00:29:38,126 --> 00:29:39,627
Bronwen's college?

427
00:29:39,727 --> 00:29:42,630
You're rather monstrous.
Of course you're aware of that.

428
00:29:42,730 --> 00:29:45,734
- Blackfriar's Hall.
- We must do this again.

429
00:29:47,535 --> 00:29:49,488
Hopeless.

430
00:29:55,503 --> 00:29:59,214
<i>Besides being the finest garage man
in Western Civilization,</i>

431
00:29:59,314 --> 00:30:04,019
<i>Spinoza was the best
art smuggler in the business,</i>

432
00:30:04,119 --> 00:30:09,056
<i>and the eyes and ears
of the art world's underbelly.</i>
433
00:30:09,800 --> 00:30:14,963
Hello, Spinoza, you handsome devil!
It's a fine day to be alive, what?

434
00:30:15,063 --> 00:30:19,601
You bloody chicken, bloody monkey,
so good-for-nothing pot of piss, innit?

435
00:30:19,701 --> 00:30:22,670
Spinoza, you silver-tongued scallywag.

436
00:30:22,970 --> 00:30:24,321
What's the matter with you?

437
00:30:24,421 --> 00:30:28,817
You one book short of a library, you maggot?
You one megabyte short of a RAM?

438
00:30:28,917 --> 00:30:31,646
<i>The rest was a bit rude,
so I won't quote him verbatim.</i>

439
00:30:31,746 --> 00:30:35,683
<i>But what vexed him so was a matter
of some overdue bills on the Rolls,</i>

440
00:30:35,783 --> 00:30:40,122
<i>which I had now asked him to package
and ship off to America on credit.</i>

441
00:30:40,622 --> 00:30:43,324
You mother-loving bastard! Hello.

442
00:30:43,824 --> 00:30:49,096
Right. Spinoza, I did not come here
to discuss my relationship with my mother,

443
00:30:49,196 --> 00:30:51,532
nor my relationship to your mother.

444
00:30:51,632 --> 00:30:55,803
No. We have two items of business.
Item one: The Rolls-Royce,

445
00:30:55,903 --> 00:31:01,709
which I have reluctantly agreed to sell
to that thick-fingered American, Krampf.

446
00:31:01,809 --> 00:31:03,380
Item the second:

447
00:31:03,480 --> 00:31:08,283
I need to ascertain whether any
unsavory types have enlisted you

448
00:31:08,383 --> 00:31:11,686
to smuggle a painting
out of the country recently.

449
00:31:11,786 --> 00:31:16,791
And for your information,
I am holding up

450
00:31:16,891 --> 00:31:20,292
a 50-pound note.

451
00:31:21,096 --> 00:31:22,497
Never mind about that.

452
00:31:22,597 --> 00:31:26,034
You should treat
a jam jar car like this

453
00:31:26,134 --> 00:31:29,537
with more respect when you drive it
down the frog and toad road.

454
00:31:29,637 --> 00:31:32,439
- It's not some Toyota Clitoris.
- No, no.

455
00:31:32,539 --> 00:31:36,244
No! Is a Rolls... The bloody Silver,

456
00:31:36,344 --> 00:31:39,947
the whacking Cloud, the bollock Royce!

457
00:31:40,047 --> 00:31:42,129
Someone shooting at the bloody car!

458
00:31:43,551 --> 00:31:45,344
Someone shooting at me!
459
00:31:54,929 --> 00:31:56,950
I'm armed!

460
00:32:04,105 --> 00:32:06,941
- Oh, Jock!
- Yeah.

461
00:32:07,041 --> 00:32:11,780
<i>I should probably mention that this
was not the first time I had shot Jock.</i>

462
00:32:12,280 --> 00:32:15,579
Come on, you little bastards.
Come out and get it.

463
00:32:26,097 --> 00:32:29,430
Afraid I'm all thumbs
with these damn things!

464
00:32:31,466 --> 00:32:34,169
- I believe I've just shot Jock.
- Quite.

465
00:32:34,869 --> 00:32:37,072
Man down! Man down!

466
00:32:37,472 --> 00:32:39,941
- Could you give me the gun, please?
- This bit?

467
00:32:40,041 --> 00:32:42,377
Yes, most... No, no.

468
00:32:42,477 --> 00:32:44,846
Oh, and poor Spinoza...

469
00:32:44,946 --> 00:32:47,048
You should go, sir,
before the shooter circles 'round.

470
00:32:47,148 --> 00:32:50,085
- I'll handle things on this end.
- Quite.

471
00:32:50,385 --> 00:32:53,654
- Cover me, as it were?
- Yes, sir.

472
00:32:55,256 --> 00:32:58,460
- That's the old feudal spirit, Jock.
- Get in.

473
00:32:59,160 --> 00:33:00,975
Oh, dear!

474
00:33:04,799 --> 00:33:07,168
- Oh, Jock. Jock?
- Yeah?

475
00:33:07,268 --> 00:33:08,603
The door? Please?

476
00:33:14,040 --> 00:33:16,937
Right. Gosh, it's been ages.

477
00:33:33,294 --> 00:33:34,429
Goodness, that's awkward.

478
00:33:34,529 --> 00:33:36,932
It's all right, sir. It's all right.
It's just a cracked rib.

479
00:33:38,466 --> 00:33:40,768
Please, sir, if you wouldn't mind
leaving out the back. On foot.

480
00:33:41,409 --> 00:33:43,405
- By myself?
- Please, sir. Just leave.

481
00:33:48,910 --> 00:33:51,979
Oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear,
oh, dear, oh, dear...

482
00:33:52,947 --> 00:33:56,284
- Give me the painting.
- What makes you think I have it?

483
00:33:56,484 --> 00:33:57,719
Give me the painting!

484
00:33:58,954 --> 00:34:02,957
That is a superb Hulihee sans sideburn,
I must say.

485
00:34:03,157 --> 00:34:05,994
- I was admiring your Franz Joseph.
- Oh, thank you very much.

486
00:34:06,694 --> 00:34:09,202
- I'll have it on my wall.
- Jock?

487
00:34:12,600 --> 00:34:14,420
Oh, well done.

488
00:34:16,070 --> 00:34:18,040
- What should I do now?
- Run, sir!

489
00:34:18,140 --> 00:34:20,709
- Again?
- Yes!

490
00:34:23,644 --> 00:34:26,247
Run, I shall, like a bloody gazelle!

491
00:34:26,347 --> 00:34:30,017
The Mortdecai men have always been
in tip-top shape, don't you know?

492
00:34:30,117 --> 00:34:32,536
Fit as a fiddle!

493
00:34:43,698 --> 00:34:47,935
Oh, it's burning...
I... I can't go on...

494
00:34:52,273 --> 00:34:54,175
Want to die...

495
00:34:54,275 --> 00:34:56,238
No, I don't.

496
00:34:59,614 --> 00:35:01,449
Sir!

497
00:35:01,549 --> 00:35:03,317
I'm on the bonnet!

498
00:35:03,417 --> 00:35:05,920
Get in the car, sir!

499
00:35:08,756 --> 00:35:10,232
I don't like it!

500
00:35:18,665 --> 00:35:19,870
Hello!

501
00:35:28,609 --> 00:35:30,745
Jockie! Advise?

502
00:35:30,845 --> 00:35:33,881
- Get in the back seat, sir!
- Okay!

503
00:35:40,855 --> 00:35:42,457
Foreigner!

504
00:35:42,557 --> 00:35:45,460
- No!
- Out you go!

505
00:35:55,002 --> 00:35:56,304
Oh, Jock!

506
00:35:56,404 --> 00:35:58,539
Don't worry, sir.
I'm all right. I am all right.

507
00:35:58,639 --> 00:36:01,075
No, no, man! My little sproutling.

508
00:36:01,175 --> 00:36:03,178
- What?
- Has it been compromised?

509
00:36:15,156 --> 00:36:18,359
- Well done, Jock.
- It's a privilege, sir.

510
00:36:18,459 --> 00:36:20,395
Didn't take long for you
to make a mess of things.

511
00:36:20,495 --> 00:36:23,064
Oh, you listen here, you do-gooder!

512
00:36:23,164 --> 00:36:27,468
Your Emil Strago just killed my garage man
and physically assaulted my person.

513
00:36:27,568 --> 00:36:31,038
- He seems to think that I have the painting.
- What have you found?

514
00:36:31,138 --> 00:36:34,642
Well, I will tell you that there is
more here than meets the eye.

515
00:36:34,742 --> 00:36:36,578
No painting takes
three months to clean,

516
00:36:36,678 --> 00:36:39,747
so I believe that Bronwen
was working on the Goya

517
00:36:39,847 --> 00:36:43,050
and discovered something underneath.

518
00:36:43,150 --> 00:36:44,452
I should like to see
her studio immediately.

519
00:36:44,552 --> 00:36:47,487
- In the cars, quickly. Maurice, Oxford.
- Yes, sir.

520
00:36:57,064 --> 00:37:00,267
I've been helpin' out Miss Fellworthy
goin' on five years now.

521
00:37:00,367 --> 00:37:03,504
Just keepin' the place
tidy and whatnot.

522
00:37:03,604 --> 00:37:06,340
You have been grossly overcompensated.
523
00:37:06,440 --> 00:37:09,810
- Her lover was no help.
- Lover? Bronwen?

524
00:37:09,910 --> 00:37:14,414
Yeah, a Duke.
No help whatsoever, randy bugger.

525
00:37:15,316 --> 00:37:19,180
"Love... your...

526
00:37:19,280 --> 00:37:21,323
Bunny."

527
00:37:21,423 --> 00:37:23,658
Love your Bunny?

528
00:37:23,758 --> 00:37:29,362
A child! She spawned a child!
The woman bred! What an odious thought.

529
00:37:30,030 --> 00:37:31,399
Don't imbibe the crime scene.

530
00:37:31,499 --> 00:37:35,469
I found her here, sprawled over the table,
with an arrow out of her back.

531
00:37:35,569 --> 00:37:37,872
Course you did, man,
because the assailant fired from here.

532
00:37:37,972 --> 00:37:39,907
- No, from the window.
- With a spear gun.

533
00:37:40,007 --> 00:37:42,076
- With a crossbow.
- He was left-handed.

534
00:37:42,176 --> 00:37:44,268
Jesus Christ.

535
00:37:45,112 --> 00:37:46,614
Is this how she was found?
536
00:37:46,714 --> 00:37:48,216
- What are you doing?
- Oh, no. To the left a bit.

537
00:37:48,316 --> 00:37:50,551
- Like this?
- Sorry, I meant to the right.

538
00:37:50,651 --> 00:37:52,553
Like this? Like this?

539
00:37:52,853 --> 00:37:55,056
Are you quite finished buggering around?

540
00:37:55,716 --> 00:37:57,225
No.

541
00:37:57,325 --> 00:38:01,829
Because I have a question
for you, old bean.

542
00:38:01,929 --> 00:38:03,345
Will I be given a badge,

543
00:38:03,445 --> 00:38:07,735
nestled in some sort of cheap,
leather encasement, just like on telly?

544
00:38:08,135 --> 00:38:09,404
- Maurice?
- Sir?

545
00:38:09,504 --> 00:38:12,540
Show him the photographs. Excuse me.

546
00:38:13,474 --> 00:38:14,942
These were found in her camera.

547
00:38:15,342 --> 00:38:17,511
Yeah, like I told
the lady earlier today,

548
00:38:17,611 --> 00:38:20,715
Miss Bronwen would take photos
of each stage of her work, bless her.
549
00:38:21,315 --> 00:38:22,917
Which lady?

550
00:38:23,017 --> 00:38:26,721
Well, the lady with the hair and brain.

551
00:38:28,656 --> 00:38:33,360
I may have mentioned Bronwen
to Johanna at lunch today.

552
00:38:35,863 --> 00:38:38,032
You were luncheoning with my wife?

553
00:38:38,132 --> 00:38:40,752
- Let's look at the photographs.
- Yes, let's look at the photographs.

554
00:38:42,002 --> 00:38:44,004
Horrible composition.

555
00:38:44,472 --> 00:38:47,475
Lighting positively medieval.

556
00:38:47,575 --> 00:38:50,611
This one taken by accident,
utterly useless...

557
00:38:51,078 --> 00:38:52,647
Hang on a tic.

558
00:38:53,347 --> 00:38:57,385
- That is not your Goya.
- What do you mean?

559
00:38:57,485 --> 00:39:01,289
That is not the same painting
as the others.

560
00:39:01,389 --> 00:39:04,191
Where have I seen that hand
before in the background?

561
00:39:04,291 --> 00:39:07,194
Finger pointing down. Ring.

562
00:39:08,194 --> 00:39:10,297
Good Lord! It couldn't be!

563
00:39:10,397 --> 00:39:13,702
- Couldn't be what?
- To the library, chaps!

564
00:39:18,839 --> 00:39:22,176
There has never been
an accurate reproduction because...

565
00:39:22,276 --> 00:39:25,112
it vanished after the unveiling, but...

566
00:39:25,412 --> 00:39:30,920
I do remember that there was an etching
or some such hint of... There it is.

567
00:39:31,952 --> 00:39:34,121
The Duchess of Wellington.

568
00:39:34,421 --> 00:39:38,802
Bronwen has found the lost Goya.

569
00:39:39,026 --> 00:39:43,598
Goya was commissioned by Charles IV
of Spain to paint her in 1792.

570
00:39:43,798 --> 00:39:47,668
She was said to be
his greatest masterpiece.

571
00:39:47,768 --> 00:39:49,704
Unfortunately,

572
00:39:49,804 --> 00:39:54,675
she was also said to have been
the King's mistress.

573
00:39:54,775 --> 00:39:56,477
The Queen was unamused.

574
00:39:56,677 --> 00:40:00,014
<i>Humiliated, she ordered
the painting to be burned.</i>

575
00:40:00,114 --> 00:40:03,707
<i>But instead it was stolen
and secreted away.</i>

576
00:40:03,818 --> 00:40:08,822
<i>Some say that Goya himself
engineered the theft.</i>

577
00:40:09,824 --> 00:40:14,235
For 200 years, the painting
was sought by collectors,

578
00:40:14,335 --> 00:40:18,532
craved by the mighty,
and became the stuff of legend.

579
00:40:18,632 --> 00:40:21,402
- And is the legend true?
- Does it matter?

580
00:40:21,502 --> 00:40:24,539
The truth is nice,
but a rumor is priceless.

581
00:40:24,739 --> 00:40:28,242
What does Strago want with it?
If it does exist, it belongs to Spain.

582
00:40:28,342 --> 00:40:30,578
If anyone tried to sell it,
they'd be arrested on the spot.

583
00:40:30,678 --> 00:40:34,048
Yes, well, that is where the story
gets interesting, you see.

584
00:40:34,148 --> 00:40:39,220
The Duchess pops up again
in France in 1943,

585
00:40:39,320 --> 00:40:44,792
<i>looted from some sealed room in an
unpronounceable chateau by the jerrys.</i>

586
00:40:44,892 --> 00:40:48,496
<i>Hermann Goering was said to have been
obsessed with the painting,</i>
587
00:40:48,596 --> 00:40:51,866
<i>and there are rumors
that he inscribed on it</i>

588
00:40:51,966 --> 00:40:56,337
<i>the codes to his numbered
Swiss bank account.</i>

589
00:40:56,437 --> 00:40:59,807
<i>Untold riches and all that, what?</i>

590
00:41:00,207 --> 00:41:01,909
But...

591
00:41:02,009 --> 00:41:06,080
when the allies captured Goering...

592
00:41:06,180 --> 00:41:08,716
Out of the way, out of the way.

593
00:41:09,016 --> 00:41:11,565
There was no mention of the painting.

594
00:41:12,620 --> 00:41:15,923
It had vanished
once again into history,

595
00:41:16,023 --> 00:41:18,626
and the secret bank accounts
along with it.

596
00:41:18,726 --> 00:41:21,796
- What are we talking about here?
- Hundreds and hundreds of millions,

597
00:41:21,896 --> 00:41:26,233
surrounded by all that Gruyere,
chocolate, and fine wines.

598
00:41:26,333 --> 00:41:28,803
- Well, that's what Emil's after.
- The fine wine?

599
00:41:28,903 --> 00:41:31,933
No, the fortune to fund
violent worldwide revolution.
600
00:41:32,033 --> 00:41:32,740
Right!

601
00:41:32,840 --> 00:41:36,177
Multiple attacks over the years to come,
countless lives are at stake.

602
00:41:36,477 --> 00:41:39,583
- That painting should be destroyed.
- Yeah.

603
00:41:39,683 --> 00:41:43,002
Fingers crossed, chaps,
you find it first. I'm off for a wee.

604
00:42:04,588 --> 00:42:07,007
I'm deeply, deeply flattered, young man.

605
00:42:07,107 --> 00:42:12,079
However, I myself do not swing that...

606
00:42:12,179 --> 00:42:15,246
Oh, Golly! I have read about this.

607
00:42:18,218 --> 00:42:21,556
<i>I sunk into an uneasy slumber,</i>

608
00:42:21,656 --> 00:42:27,388
<i>interspersed curiously
with erotic dreams.</i>

609
00:43:02,863 --> 00:43:05,810
Lady Mortdecai,
the Duke is expecting you.

610
00:43:06,100 --> 00:43:07,901
This way.

611
00:43:14,241 --> 00:43:17,778
Her Lady Mortdecai
to see you, Your Grace.

612
00:43:17,878 --> 00:43:20,381
The Duke of Asherboroughdon.
613
00:43:20,481 --> 00:43:22,983
Your Grace. So kind of you to see me.

614
00:43:23,083 --> 00:43:26,633
Lady Mortdecai.

615
00:43:27,688 --> 00:43:31,358
You'll forgive me
just a moment, I'm sure?

616
00:43:31,458 --> 00:43:33,302
Of course.

617
00:43:38,232 --> 00:43:40,572
Lady Mortdecai.

618
00:43:42,269 --> 00:43:47,608
Johnson! Who is this woman Mortdecai
and what does she want?

619
00:43:47,708 --> 00:43:50,611
Well, I don't know. I don't know.
Why wasn't I told?

620
00:43:51,145 --> 00:43:53,968
She's so damned attractive.

621
00:43:54,348 --> 00:43:56,938
Hello? Hello?

622
00:44:02,022 --> 00:44:04,124
Water bailiff.

623
00:44:04,224 --> 00:44:08,729
Had to speak to the water bailiff
about my water.

624
00:44:08,829 --> 00:44:11,336
Fishing tomorrow, you know.

625
00:44:11,436 --> 00:44:13,500
Hate it. Sit.

626
00:44:13,600 --> 00:44:16,025
Bloody nuisance.
627
00:44:17,387 --> 00:44:21,342
Your Grace, I... I understand
you were close with Bronwen Fellworthy.

628
00:44:21,442 --> 00:44:24,177
- Yes.
- I'm very sorry.

629
00:44:24,345 --> 00:44:28,248
Her gardener gave me your name,
and I wondered...

630
00:44:28,348 --> 00:44:31,184
The painting she was
working on in the end...

631
00:44:31,852 --> 00:44:32,775
What?

632
00:44:34,021 --> 00:44:35,990
No, I can't understand a word she says.

633
00:44:36,090 --> 00:44:39,994
I've been trying to get rid of her,
but she's so damned attractive.

634
00:44:40,494 --> 00:44:41,928
Sorry. You were saying?

635
00:44:42,028 --> 00:44:45,432
- You served in the War then, Your Grace?
- Poor old gal.

636
00:44:45,532 --> 00:44:49,937
Done to death with malice
aforethought and so forth.

637
00:44:50,337 --> 00:44:52,195
Poor Bronwen.

638
00:44:52,706 --> 00:44:54,957
The painting, Your Grace.

639
00:44:56,076 --> 00:44:59,313
Did she ever mention
The Duchess of Wellington?

640
00:44:59,413 --> 00:45:01,640
Oh. Beautiful woman.

641
00:45:01,740 --> 00:45:04,919
- Bronwen?
- Must to the lavatory.

642
00:45:05,019 --> 00:45:09,990
Would you care to come
and take a peek at it?

643
00:45:11,826 --> 00:45:15,862
An exquisite invitation, Your Grace,
but I'm afraid I must decline.

644
00:45:15,962 --> 00:45:18,790
- Let's get back to the Duchess.
- Bunny has it.

645
00:45:18,890 --> 00:45:22,269
- I beg your pardon?
- During the War. Nazi bastards.

646
00:45:22,369 --> 00:45:25,536
Bunny rolled it up in a carpet
and didn't tell a soul.

647
00:45:25,636 --> 00:45:29,243
- Bunny is a soldier in your unit?
- 7th Army, 2nd Division.

648
00:45:29,343 --> 00:45:32,747
Captured Goering.
First man in the room.

649
00:45:32,847 --> 00:45:35,182
Do you think that Bunny
still has the painting now?

650
00:45:35,282 --> 00:45:37,551
Must to the W.C.

651
00:45:39,086 --> 00:45:41,388
Do have a look?
652
00:45:41,688 --> 00:45:44,225
I'm afraid I must be going, Your Grace.

653
00:45:44,825 --> 00:45:46,760
Thank you very much for your time.

654
00:45:47,794 --> 00:45:50,231
And you are?

655
00:45:51,131 --> 00:45:55,914
The water bailiff, Your Grace.
Fishing tomorrow's been cancelled.

656
00:45:58,772 --> 00:46:00,274
Thank heaven.

657
00:46:11,685 --> 00:46:14,422
What's that? Funny.

658
00:46:27,567 --> 00:46:30,771
Right. I demand some explanations.

659
00:46:30,871 --> 00:46:33,874
No, no. Change that.
I need a restorative.

660
00:46:33,974 --> 00:46:35,776
How 'bout some finger sandwiches?

661
00:46:35,876 --> 00:46:39,196
Just the usual, you know.
Egg cress, prawn mayonnaise,

662
00:46:39,296 --> 00:46:43,417
possibly a gallon of your finest whisky
just to start the day properly.

663
00:46:43,517 --> 00:46:45,116
You know how it is, gentlemen.

664
00:46:47,052 --> 00:46:49,112
Oh, I see.

665
00:46:52,192 --> 00:46:54,128
Actually, make that caviar.
666
00:46:54,228 --> 00:46:58,065
Some warmed blinis, creme fraiche,
boiled egg whites,

667
00:46:58,165 --> 00:47:02,002
and vodka so ice cold
you need gloves to handle it.

668
00:47:02,421 --> 00:47:04,939
And don't forget the herringbone spoon.

669
00:47:05,039 --> 00:47:08,102
We're not savages, after all, are we?

670
00:47:10,144 --> 00:47:11,912
Welcome to Russia, Mr. Mortdecai.

671
00:47:13,180 --> 00:47:15,950
- And you are?
- Roman Romanov.

672
00:47:16,250 --> 00:47:19,419
Romanov. Sir Graham's client.

673
00:47:19,519 --> 00:47:21,722
So I have him to thank for this.

674
00:47:24,291 --> 00:47:26,560
Oh, that's unpleasant.

675
00:47:26,660 --> 00:47:28,762
Where's the Goya?

676
00:47:28,862 --> 00:47:31,264
- I don't know.
- But you know about art.

677
00:47:31,364 --> 00:47:34,869
A bit. You have a Turner of the Loire,
which cannot be right

678
00:47:34,969 --> 00:47:38,305
because the original is hanging
in the D'Orsay. Terribly sorry.
679
00:47:38,405 --> 00:47:41,708
A magnificent Callow of about 1840,

680
00:47:41,808 --> 00:47:44,878
a polychrome James Bourne, rare,

681
00:47:44,978 --> 00:47:48,916
a pair of rather flashy Varleys
from his last period,

682
00:47:49,016 --> 00:47:52,486
and the finest Edridge
I have ever seen.

683
00:47:52,586 --> 00:47:55,422
Yes. Where is the Goya?

684
00:47:55,622 --> 00:47:59,376
Well, where is the last place you saw it?
Have you looked under your couch?

685
00:47:59,476 --> 00:48:01,914
Yeah, because when I've lost something,
sometimes I say to myself,

686
00:48:02,014 --> 00:48:03,964
"Charlie, where could it be?"

687
00:48:05,279 --> 00:48:09,336
God! That wasn't nice!

688
00:48:09,436 --> 00:48:11,538
Oh, no! No.

689
00:48:11,638 --> 00:48:14,941
For 17 years, I pursued this painting.
You know why?

690
00:48:15,041 --> 00:48:18,077
Because I want, I will have.

691
00:48:19,780 --> 00:48:24,518
This will be easier and much
less painful if you please to tell me.

692
00:48:24,618 --> 00:48:26,220
Where is the painting?

693
00:48:26,320 --> 00:48:29,158
But why does everyone seem to think...

694
00:48:31,358 --> 00:48:35,429
Oh! You pretended to be gentle,
but you weren't!

695
00:48:35,529 --> 00:48:38,031
Milton Krampf tells everyone
he is getting painting.

696
00:48:38,131 --> 00:48:40,334
You're his dealer,
so you have painting!

697
00:48:40,434 --> 00:48:43,237
I am very sorry. I simply don't know.

698
00:48:43,337 --> 00:48:48,349
Dmitri, please to fetch
12-volt high-tension car battery.

699
00:48:48,909 --> 00:48:51,912
I am afraid you are barking up
the wrong Englishman, comrade.

700
00:48:52,012 --> 00:48:55,349
Vladimir, please to take
Mr. Mortdecai's trousers down.

701
00:48:57,985 --> 00:49:00,323
Perhaps we can work something out.

702
00:49:00,423 --> 00:49:04,391
What if I find it for you?
Say, 30% finder's fee, what?

703
00:49:04,491 --> 00:49:05,996
Open your balls.

704
00:49:09,062 --> 00:49:12,269
I shan't! What does that even mean?

705
00:49:14,968 --> 00:49:16,494
I'll go to 20.

706
00:49:17,804 --> 00:49:18,806
Balls.

707
00:49:19,940 --> 00:49:22,507
10% seems exploitive!

708
00:49:24,611 --> 00:49:26,612
That's not cricket!

709
00:49:31,418 --> 00:49:33,445
Oh, Jock...

710
00:49:36,923 --> 00:49:41,261
Jump! Oh, dear, sweet, resourceful Jock.

711
00:49:41,788 --> 00:49:43,096
It's my manservant.

712
00:49:43,196 --> 00:49:45,868
It appears he's requesting
my immediate self-defenestration.

713
00:49:51,355 --> 00:49:52,540
Balls!

714
00:49:54,207 --> 00:49:56,099
Forgive me, Vladimir.

715
00:49:59,746 --> 00:50:01,065
No balls.

716
00:50:04,851 --> 00:50:07,926
Thank you so much, Vladimir.

717
00:50:08,588 --> 00:50:10,624
Oh, I see...

718
00:50:11,792 --> 00:50:15,718
- Hello! I'm outside.
- Come on, sir.

719
00:50:15,818 --> 00:50:18,866
- I wish to use your telephone!
- Head toward the bike.

720
00:50:18,966 --> 00:50:21,802
Oh, I love motorcycles.
They're very fast.

721
00:50:21,902 --> 00:50:23,970
- Sir? Sir?
- What, Jock?

722
00:50:24,070 --> 00:50:25,947
Your trousers. It's a little unseemly.

723
00:50:26,047 --> 00:50:28,793
The trousers... Jock, you know,
it's entirely possible...

724
00:50:28,893 --> 00:50:30,503
- ...that I've bumped my head...
- You think?

725
00:50:30,603 --> 00:50:34,514
Have you heard the expression,
"Open your balls"?

726
00:50:34,614 --> 00:50:37,684
- No, sir.
- It made me feel dirty.

727
00:50:43,323 --> 00:50:45,342
Hang on, sir!

728
00:50:52,699 --> 00:50:54,821
Bloody good show, Jock!

729
00:50:55,001 --> 00:50:56,604
You really are a cut above!

730
00:50:58,472 --> 00:51:00,237
Where would you like to go, sir?

731
00:51:00,337 --> 00:51:05,612
The only safe ground is English soil.
To the Embassy, chop-chop.

732
00:51:06,556 --> 00:51:08,123
Jock?

733
00:51:09,149 --> 00:51:10,561
Keep your head down, sir!

734
00:51:13,754 --> 00:51:15,155
- Hang on, sir!
- Okay!

735
00:51:16,489 --> 00:51:17,557
- Jock?
- Yes, sir?

736
00:51:17,657 --> 00:51:20,728
- Will it be all right in the end?
- I couldn't say, sir!

737
00:51:29,769 --> 00:51:32,235
No, not the stairs!

738
00:51:38,144 --> 00:51:40,447
A bit of noise, sir!

739
00:51:41,347 --> 00:51:43,306
There we go!

740
00:51:55,796 --> 00:51:59,700
- Oh, it was dashed exhilarating.
- Where to, sir?

741
00:51:59,800 --> 00:52:01,802
Well, it was long ago,
and she was underage,

742
00:52:01,902 --> 00:52:04,037
but I do believe
the embassy is that way.

743
00:52:04,137 --> 00:52:06,650
- Right you are, sir.
- Right.

744
00:52:06,806 --> 00:52:08,508
- Jockie?
- Yes, sir?
745
00:52:08,708 --> 00:52:11,412
- "Open your balls"?
- I have no idea.

746
00:52:11,512 --> 00:52:15,251
Is it that you actually know
and don't want to tell me?

747
00:52:15,351 --> 00:52:16,383
Yes, sir.

748
00:52:19,218 --> 00:52:21,422
They've got him.
Ambassador's residence in Moscow.

749
00:52:21,522 --> 00:52:23,089
They're putting him
on the next flight to Heathrow.

750
00:52:23,189 --> 00:52:26,059
- Thank you.
- And his wife is on line six for you.

751
00:52:26,459 --> 00:52:28,517
Thank you!

752
00:52:29,729 --> 00:52:31,803
Thank you, Maurice.

753
00:52:32,232 --> 00:52:33,753
Maurice?

754
00:52:34,400 --> 00:52:35,836
Shut the door.

755
00:52:36,136 --> 00:52:37,642
Yes, sir.

756
00:52:40,407 --> 00:52:42,976
Hello, Johanna. We've found him.
He's on his way home.

757
00:52:43,464 --> 00:52:47,681
Thank heavens. This place is an absolute
mausoleum on one's own.
758
00:52:47,781 --> 00:52:50,250
- Do you feel unsafe?
- <i>A bit.</i>

759
00:52:50,350 --> 00:52:52,219
I could park outside for the night.

760
00:52:52,519 --> 00:52:55,822
Oh, I couldn't ask.
But how about tomorrow?

761
00:52:55,922 --> 00:52:58,525
Do come in, of course. Say, 8:00?

762
00:52:58,725 --> 00:53:00,994
You, me, and Charlie?

763
00:53:01,094 --> 00:53:04,868
Well, of course, Alastair. Wouldn't do,
the two of us here alone, would it?

764
00:53:06,266 --> 00:53:09,050
No, I suppose not. Still...

765
00:53:09,150 --> 00:53:11,643
if he can't make it, he can't make it.

766
00:53:12,405 --> 00:53:13,974
<i>May I bring anything?</i>

767
00:53:14,074 --> 00:53:15,742
Perhaps there is something
you could bring.

768
00:53:16,042 --> 00:53:17,210
A bottle of Chardonnay?

769
00:53:17,310 --> 00:53:19,677
A complete regimental listing
of the British 7th Army,

770
00:53:19,777 --> 00:53:22,278
2nd Division, June of 1945.

771
00:53:23,917 --> 00:53:26,592
- Very well, Johanna.
- <i>'Til tomorrow. Ta!</i>

772
00:53:30,624 --> 00:53:34,193
Well, maybe he won't
be able to make it.

773
00:53:48,642 --> 00:53:51,044
- Uppy, uppy, Jock!
- You are uppy, sir.

774
00:53:51,144 --> 00:53:54,180
Am I? Where are we?

775
00:53:54,547 --> 00:53:57,550
You should see the other fellow.

776
00:53:58,852 --> 00:54:01,020
The fact that you're as drunk
as a fiddler's bitch

777
00:54:01,120 --> 00:54:05,675
in no way obviates the fact that you very
nearly caused an international incident.

778
00:54:05,775 --> 00:54:10,057
A man your age has no excuse
for looking or behaving like a fugitive

779
00:54:10,157 --> 00:54:14,268
from a home for alcoholic
music hall artistes.

780
00:54:14,368 --> 00:54:17,020
I will have you know
that I am not an alcoholic.

781
00:54:17,120 --> 00:54:20,640
I am a drunk,
and there is a vast difference.

782
00:54:20,740 --> 00:54:24,144
In my defense,
I was not drinking until the plane.

783
00:54:24,244 --> 00:54:26,313
- And in the car, sir.
- And a bit in the car.

784
00:54:26,413 --> 00:54:31,351
- And the Ambassador's residence.
- And at the Ambassador's residence.

785
00:54:31,451 --> 00:54:36,022
The only advice I offer is you do not apply
to another of our embassies for help

786
00:54:36,122 --> 00:54:40,760
if and when you outrage the laws
of the United States, once you are there.

787
00:54:40,860 --> 00:54:43,363
Stop! Stop!

788
00:54:43,463 --> 00:54:46,566
Are you suggesting
that I go to the Colonies?

789
00:54:46,666 --> 00:54:49,403
Perish the vile thought.
I couldn't possibly.

790
00:54:49,503 --> 00:54:53,690
The sale of your Rolls-Royce to Krampf
will offer you a perfect cover.

791
00:54:53,790 --> 00:54:55,859
Find out if he's got that painting.

792
00:54:55,959 --> 00:54:58,712
Get behind the gates of his estate
and poke around a bit.

793
00:54:59,312 --> 00:55:02,616
The car has been loaded
upon a cargo flight to Los Angeles,

794
00:55:02,716 --> 00:55:06,052
and is halfway across the Atlantic.
You will follow.

795
00:55:06,152 --> 00:55:08,755
California? Oh, icky!
796
00:55:09,055 --> 00:55:13,093
Your bags have been packed and checked,
and your flight leaves... Now.

797
00:55:13,193 --> 00:55:15,311
On your feet, soldier.

798
00:55:16,596 --> 00:55:17,865
Hang on to me.

799
00:55:19,599 --> 00:55:24,037
I should like to ring my wife because
she's probably quite worried about me.

800
00:55:24,137 --> 00:55:28,717
Oh, don't worry about her.
I've been keeping her filled in.

801
00:55:30,343 --> 00:55:32,629
I say, old bean!

802
00:55:32,729 --> 00:55:34,881
Go to America and see Krampf.

803
00:55:34,981 --> 00:55:39,719
Do what it takes to bring the painting back,
and leave Johanna to me.

804
00:55:53,800 --> 00:55:57,320
Jock? Come here.

805
00:55:57,771 --> 00:55:59,145
I'm frightened.

806
00:55:59,245 --> 00:56:03,809
Do you think that Johanna is thawing
on the subject of the moustache?

807
00:56:08,181 --> 00:56:09,649
Hi.

808
00:56:09,749 --> 00:56:11,318
Hello.

809
00:56:13,653 --> 00:56:16,392
Sorry, there was a queue.

810
00:56:19,225 --> 00:56:21,194
Good God, man!

811
00:56:22,061 --> 00:56:25,352
Jockie! Focus, man!

812
00:56:25,452 --> 00:56:27,701
There are but five days to insolvency.

813
00:56:27,801 --> 00:56:30,637
- Two, sir.
- No, today's, what, Monday?

814
00:56:30,737 --> 00:56:34,207
- Thursday, sir.
- Well done. Carry on.

815
00:57:09,208 --> 00:57:12,579
Jock. Dear, sweet, sperm-heavy Jock.

816
00:57:12,679 --> 00:57:17,501
Behold this America, this new colossus,
this fair land of the free!

817
00:57:18,384 --> 00:57:21,454
What kind of hell-place is this?

818
00:57:22,388 --> 00:57:24,324
I feel as though
we've made a wrong turn

819
00:57:24,424 --> 00:57:26,660
and arrived on the set
of a pornographic film.

820
00:57:26,860 --> 00:57:30,764
Have we taken a wrong turn and arrived
on the set of a pornographic film?

821
00:57:32,165 --> 00:57:33,683
Checking in?

822
00:57:33,783 --> 00:57:37,471
I am Mortdecai, Lord of Silverdale.
823
00:57:37,571 --> 00:57:42,309
I should like to request a bucket of ice,
"Do Not Disturb" sign, and a bulldozer.

824
00:57:43,743 --> 00:57:46,483
- Checking in?
- Yeah, we're checking in.

825
00:57:46,980 --> 00:57:49,816
I suspect I may need to redecorate.

826
00:57:50,116 --> 00:57:52,252
Room 326, overlooks the pool.

827
00:57:53,052 --> 00:57:56,156
So all I must do is show up,

828
00:57:56,256 --> 00:57:58,958
and I'm presented with a credit card.

829
00:57:59,058 --> 00:58:01,961
No wonder your country's
in financial ruin.

830
00:58:02,061 --> 00:58:04,097
Do you need help with your bags?

831
00:58:04,197 --> 00:58:08,745
No, I do not need help with my bags.
I have a fucking manservant.

832
00:58:09,068 --> 00:58:10,670
Strange country.

833
00:58:21,781 --> 00:58:23,612
Hello.

834
00:58:28,988 --> 00:58:30,490
Hold it.

835
00:58:32,759 --> 00:58:34,271
Thanks.

836
00:58:36,729 --> 00:58:38,464
Hey.

837
00:58:38,564 --> 00:58:40,126
Hello...

838
00:58:56,149 --> 00:58:59,452
It's like listening
to bloody orangutans!

839
00:58:59,552 --> 00:59:02,055
Oh, really, why? Why?

840
00:59:08,661 --> 00:59:10,563
Hello, American?

841
00:59:10,663 --> 00:59:14,200
The rooms here are made of cement.
Very good in case of an air raid.

842
00:59:14,300 --> 00:59:16,202
But for those of us trying
to get a bit of rest

843
00:59:16,302 --> 00:59:19,539
after an arduous crossing,
a bit of an acoustic nightmare.

844
00:59:19,639 --> 00:59:22,542
So would you please stop
grunting like wildebeests

845
00:59:22,642 --> 00:59:25,846
and allow me to get some sleep, man?
Please! Please!

846
00:59:25,946 --> 00:59:28,715
<i>Sorry, sir. We'll try and keep it down.</i>

847
00:59:28,915 --> 00:59:32,985
Good God, Jock!
Put that thing away, man!

848
00:59:43,062 --> 00:59:44,595
Hello?

849
00:59:44,829 --> 00:59:48,501
Apple of my eye. The love of my life.

850
00:59:48,601 --> 00:59:51,337
Everything here makes me think of you.

851
00:59:51,537 --> 00:59:53,593
Who is this?

852
00:59:54,941 --> 00:59:59,362
It is I, your beloved.
Your husband, Charlie.

853
00:59:59,462 --> 01:00:00,914
Where are you?

854
01:00:01,014 --> 01:00:04,217
Oh, a terribly vulgar place
called Los Angeles.

855
01:00:04,317 --> 01:00:06,653
Apparently located
in the far West colonies.

856
01:00:06,753 --> 01:00:08,571
Well, what are you doing there?

857
01:00:08,671 --> 01:00:12,258
Well, I'm delivering the Rolls
to that grotesque Milton Krampf

858
01:00:12,358 --> 01:00:15,328
and retrieving a certain something
in the process.

859
01:00:15,428 --> 01:00:18,998
Stay away from Krampf's daughter.
She's a well-known nymphomaniac.

860
01:00:19,698 --> 01:00:22,101
Is she? How do you know such things?

861
01:00:22,201 --> 01:00:24,838
Johanna, we seem to be out of ice.
Should I send for some?

862
01:00:24,938 --> 01:00:26,706
It's my husband on the line.

863
01:00:26,806 --> 01:00:29,809
<i>Oh, is he still alive?
Has he got the painting yet?</i>

864
01:00:29,909 --> 01:00:32,779
- Is that Martland?
- I'll just be a moment, Alastair.

865
01:00:32,879 --> 01:00:37,015
That Judas! That Ajax! That Paris!
Or was it Agamemnon?

866
01:00:37,115 --> 01:00:39,170
Oh, you know who I mean.
That ghastly chap

867
01:00:39,270 --> 01:00:42,656
who stole Helen of Troy and started
all that nasty business in Greece.

868
01:00:46,645 --> 01:00:48,061
- Done!
- Finally!

869
01:00:48,161 --> 01:00:52,932
Charlie? Why are people achieving
climax in your immediate vicinity?

870
01:00:53,232 --> 01:00:58,271
Well, I think I'm staying in some
sort of cement brothel, my love.

871
01:00:58,571 --> 01:01:01,641
- Say that again.
- You look here, I will have you know

872
01:01:01,741 --> 01:01:05,912
that I too am capable of being desirable
to a certain type of woman!

873
01:01:06,012 --> 01:01:08,381
- Charlie!
- <i>Yes, oh, yes!</i>

874
01:01:08,481 --> 01:01:13,536
Some women go blind batting their lashes
for mustachioed men such as I!

875
01:01:13,636 --> 01:01:17,140
Charlie Mortdecai,
you are on very dangerous ground!

876
01:01:17,240 --> 01:01:19,659
Tell me the name
of that nympho daughter of Krampf's!

877
01:01:19,759 --> 01:01:22,596
Perhaps she would render
an opinion on the issue!

878
01:01:30,203 --> 01:01:34,273
Never mind. I've found a cold Latour
which we might enjoy...

879
01:01:35,408 --> 01:01:37,436
Johanna?

880
01:01:38,111 --> 01:01:39,380
Oh, balls.

881
01:01:40,380 --> 01:01:45,185
<i>Jock and I set off to deliver the Rolls
to my client, Milton Krampf.</i>

882
01:01:45,785 --> 01:01:48,688
<i>Ruthless billionaire, art collector,</i>

883
01:01:48,788 --> 01:01:53,126
<i>and the rumored possessor
of the lost Goya.</i>

884
01:01:53,226 --> 01:01:55,395
<i>I was hot on the scent,</i>

885
01:01:55,495 --> 01:01:59,532
<i>and a teensy bit curious
about his nympho daughter.</i>

886
01:02:06,505 --> 01:02:08,585
Yes... Right.

887
01:02:09,075 --> 01:02:12,646
We must secure the painting,
escape this nightmare posthaste

888
01:02:12,746 --> 01:02:14,647
and you should interrupt me
as soon as you can.

889
01:02:14,747 --> 01:02:15,966
Yes, sir.

890
01:02:22,021 --> 01:02:24,524
Lucky saddle.

891
01:02:26,325 --> 01:02:31,965
Yes! The fine life-giving
drinks tray manifests itself.

892
01:02:32,065 --> 01:02:35,401
- A mint julep, sir.
- Anything will do, I thank you.

893
01:02:35,501 --> 01:02:37,270
I'm Georgina Krampf.

894
01:02:37,370 --> 01:02:39,520
Oh! How do you do?

895
01:02:45,178 --> 01:02:46,513
You must be Mortdecai.

896
01:02:46,813 --> 01:02:50,583
Yes, indeed I am he.

897
01:02:51,684 --> 01:02:54,253
Are you not having
a little something to drink?

898
01:02:54,353 --> 01:02:57,791
No, I never drink alcohol.
I don't like to blunt my senses.

899
01:02:57,991 --> 01:02:59,959
How awful.

900
01:03:00,059 --> 01:03:02,079
Oh, I feel wonderful.

901
01:03:03,449 --> 01:03:05,273
Feel me.

902
01:03:05,765 --> 01:03:07,791
Feel? Oh.

903
01:03:09,001 --> 01:03:11,772
- Oh, yes.
- No, not there, stupid. Here.

904
01:03:16,476 --> 01:03:21,347
- Charlie Mortdecai, you son of a bitch...
- I was not squeezing the breasts...

905
01:03:23,282 --> 01:03:24,234
The Rolls.

906
01:03:50,743 --> 01:03:52,445
So, I was a mule!

907
01:03:52,545 --> 01:03:54,648
Right. You know, Bronwen called me
when she discovered the Goya,

908
01:03:54,748 --> 01:03:57,283
and I called Spinoza,
and then he arranged for everything,

909
01:03:57,383 --> 01:04:00,486
including the smuggling
of the painting in your Rolls.

910
01:04:00,586 --> 01:04:02,555
Yes, but someone found out
about the plan,

911
01:04:02,655 --> 01:04:06,559
and now Bronwen is as stiff
as my Uncle Richard's hatband.

912
01:04:06,659 --> 01:04:09,762
- Art restoring is a nasty business.
- You are a nasty business, sir.

913
01:04:09,862 --> 01:04:12,165
Just look at her. Isn't she a beauty?

914
01:04:12,265 --> 01:04:14,812
- Yes, she is.
- My God...

915
01:04:14,912 --> 01:04:16,903
- She's exquisite.
- So good...

916
01:04:17,003 --> 01:04:21,741
The expert brushstrokes,
the smooth lines...

917
01:04:21,841 --> 01:04:24,677
Doesn't she look like my mother?
Can you see a resemblance?

918
01:04:24,777 --> 01:04:26,512
I never met your mother.

919
01:04:26,612 --> 01:04:30,350
No, not in her, in me.
She's got prominent lips like me...

920
01:04:30,450 --> 01:04:33,177
and those far-searching eyes...
Don't you think so?

921
01:04:33,277 --> 01:04:35,188
Oh, yes. Do you mind?

922
01:04:38,224 --> 01:04:41,155
I was just looking for something...

923
01:04:41,855 --> 01:04:43,910
else.

924
01:04:46,465 --> 01:04:47,767
Okay.

925
01:04:47,967 --> 01:04:50,970
Branspath? Okay. Thank you so much.

926
01:04:51,070 --> 01:04:52,972
- In my study, please.
- Very good, sir.

927
01:04:53,072 --> 01:04:55,542
Thank you. No hard feelings.

928
01:04:55,642 --> 01:04:58,911
I hope you'll stay with me tonight.
I'm throwing a party.

929
01:04:59,011 --> 01:05:00,713
I'm gonna unveil the Duchess,

930
01:05:00,813 --> 01:05:05,051
and watch every art world snob
in town drool all over her.

931
01:05:05,151 --> 01:05:08,113
We'll have your things sent over
from the hotel. Go upstairs and freshen up.

932
01:05:08,213 --> 01:05:10,590
You smell like a horse!
And if you're quick about it,

933
01:05:10,690 --> 01:05:13,909
you might have time to couple
with Georgina before dinner.

934
01:05:14,009 --> 01:05:16,196
She's been through
half the staff already.

935
01:05:28,474 --> 01:05:30,410
Sir, you're staring at your liquor.

936
01:05:31,844 --> 01:05:34,013
So I am.

937
01:05:34,113 --> 01:05:38,117
Jock, I fear we are
in the eleventh hour, man.

938
01:05:38,417 --> 01:05:43,156
Our very future rests on getting
our hands on that blasted painting.
939
01:05:43,256 --> 01:05:46,993
And therefore it's imperative
that we devise a plan.

940
01:05:47,093 --> 01:05:49,862
And it will have to be
a fiendishly clever plan.

941
01:05:49,962 --> 01:05:53,232
- Well, sir... I've been thinking...
- And I mean dizzyingly complex,

942
01:05:53,332 --> 01:05:55,501
replete with feints and distractions

943
01:05:55,601 --> 01:05:58,643
and calibrated movements
of the Swiss watch type.

944
01:05:58,743 --> 01:06:00,872
What? Thoughts?

945
01:06:01,207 --> 01:06:04,250
During the party, we steal it
while no one's looking.

946
01:06:07,079 --> 01:06:10,115
Ingenious. Once again?

947
01:06:11,317 --> 01:06:15,054
You go down,
get your face seen a bit...

948
01:06:15,154 --> 01:06:18,174
then you meet me 'round the back later,
we climb up the side of the building,

949
01:06:18,274 --> 01:06:21,093
break through the window,
grab the painting.

950
01:06:21,560 --> 01:06:23,963
Oh, diabolical.

951
01:06:25,215 --> 01:06:26,960
Let's review it
a few more times, shall we?

952
01:06:27,060 --> 01:06:28,968
It's just the old
smash-and-grab routine, sir.

953
01:06:29,068 --> 01:06:33,572
Of course it is. This is just
the old smash-and-grab business.

954
01:06:33,672 --> 01:06:35,208
Smash-and-grab.

955
01:06:35,508 --> 01:06:37,276
- Jock?
- Yes, sir?

956
01:06:37,376 --> 01:06:39,779
- I am so very proud of you.
- Thank you, sir.

957
01:06:39,879 --> 01:06:41,179
- And, Jock?
- Yes, sir?

958
01:06:41,279 --> 01:06:43,716
- You know, I've always been fond of you.
- Thank you, sir.

959
01:06:43,816 --> 01:06:44,861
- Jock?
- Yup?

960
01:06:44,961 --> 01:06:48,467
- Will it be all right in the end?
- How the fuck should I know?

961
01:07:10,643 --> 01:07:12,444
Unremarkable.

962
01:07:20,119 --> 01:07:23,656
Keep the Englishman busy.
I create distraction.

963
01:07:23,756 --> 01:07:25,796
No problem.
964
01:07:39,571 --> 01:07:41,163
Hi.

965
01:07:42,875 --> 01:07:45,977
- That's my bottom.
- Dance with me.

966
01:07:46,912 --> 01:07:48,364
Starburst!

967
01:07:50,983 --> 01:07:52,852
Oh! So much! So much to look at!

968
01:07:58,657 --> 01:07:59,576
Have me.

969
01:07:59,676 --> 01:08:03,496
Oh, my dear, I'm so tired.
And so married and so tired.

970
01:08:03,596 --> 01:08:08,234
And so married... Oh!
And I'm married and tired, you know.

971
01:08:08,734 --> 01:08:10,103
I...

972
01:08:15,708 --> 01:08:19,045
Darling! Whatever brings you here?

973
01:08:19,445 --> 01:08:22,748
This is not a breast in my hand!

974
01:08:23,248 --> 01:08:27,661
I was unhappy with our last conversation,
so I got on the next plane. Surprised?

975
01:08:27,853 --> 01:08:30,623
Oh, pleasantly.

976
01:08:31,056 --> 01:08:33,092
Aren't you going to introduce us?

977
01:08:33,192 --> 01:08:36,862
Johanna, my dear,
this is Milton Krampf's nymph...

978
01:08:36,962 --> 01:08:38,864
Daughter Georgina.

979
01:08:38,964 --> 01:08:44,503
And she was, well, we were having
a discussion about three...

980
01:08:45,104 --> 01:08:48,107
Sometimes, you know, how it's like a...

981
01:08:56,048 --> 01:08:58,865
My, my, look at the time!

982
01:09:02,004 --> 01:09:03,256
Carry on!

983
01:09:11,530 --> 01:09:14,399
A beast... A beast...

984
01:09:18,471 --> 01:09:23,008
Yes, yes, yes. Good hungry doggie...

985
01:09:23,108 --> 01:09:25,717
Weenie, weenie, weenie, weenie...

986
01:09:25,817 --> 01:09:29,348
Weenie, weenie, weenie, weenie,
weenie, weenie, weenie...

987
01:09:39,858 --> 01:09:41,126
I met a beast...

988
01:09:41,226 --> 01:09:42,761
Krampf's window
is the second one on the left.

989
01:09:42,861 --> 01:09:46,632
- No, no. I met a beast!
- Get on that ladder!

990
01:09:46,932 --> 01:09:51,603
And what, pray tell, might you be doing
whilst I'm engaged in thus heroics?
991
01:09:52,137 --> 01:09:54,774
Beast! Beast! Beast...

992
01:10:00,145 --> 01:10:04,116
How I long for the rain
and indifference of Europe.

993
01:10:04,216 --> 01:10:07,186
- Well done, Jock!
- It's a privilege, sir!

994
01:10:19,465 --> 01:10:20,831
Well then, Mr. Krampf.

995
01:10:20,931 --> 01:10:24,597
I suppose since you're here
and I'm here,

996
01:10:24,697 --> 01:10:26,372
it's time for you and I to talk turkey.

997
01:10:37,650 --> 01:10:38,585
Oh, I see.

998
01:10:42,955 --> 01:10:44,881
Oh, I see.

999
01:10:46,459 --> 01:10:50,496
Bad news for you, Strago.
There are no bank codes on that painting.

1000
01:10:50,996 --> 01:10:55,167
I think we both know that there are.
Invisible ink, no?

1001
01:10:55,267 --> 01:10:56,925
Stop right there!

1002
01:10:57,403 --> 01:10:59,372
Sit down. Sit!

1003
01:10:59,472 --> 01:11:02,908
I... I warn you, Georgina. You have
no idea what you're getting involved with.

1004
01:11:03,008 --> 01:11:05,878
Despite his man purse,
Strago is very dangerous.

1005
01:11:05,978 --> 01:11:09,915
- Darling, they are in cahoots.
- How do you know?

1006
01:11:10,015 --> 01:11:12,592
Oh, that's gross!

1007
01:11:13,018 --> 01:11:14,587
We are in love.

1008
01:11:14,687 --> 01:11:16,389
Drop the gun!

1009
01:11:16,889 --> 01:11:17,990
Emil!

1010
01:11:18,090 --> 01:11:20,023
- Alastair!
- Do it now!

1011
01:11:27,266 --> 01:11:30,970
Good show, Martland!
Bit redundant, really, as he's dead.

1012
01:11:31,070 --> 01:11:34,239
- Alastair, what are you doing here?
- I followed you.

1013
01:11:34,339 --> 01:11:37,510
Wouldn't do to have you walking into all
this mess on your own, now, would it?

1014
01:11:37,610 --> 01:11:39,311
Jock, give me the painting.

1015
01:11:39,411 --> 01:11:42,381
- Sit down!
- Drop the knife! I will shoot you.

1016
01:11:42,481 --> 01:11:44,350
Yes, most likely by accident.

1017
01:11:44,450 --> 01:11:47,453
None of you will ever know what it's like
to make love to a man with principles.

1018
01:11:47,553 --> 01:11:50,023
Well, in my case,
I can safely say you are correct.

1019
01:11:50,123 --> 01:11:53,092
However, I never went to Eton
where buggery is rampant.

1020
01:11:53,192 --> 01:11:54,960
Oh, you were at Eton,
weren't you, Martland?

1021
01:11:55,060 --> 01:11:57,964
Yes, yes, I was. Yes, I was!

1022
01:12:09,842 --> 01:12:12,361
Please don't be sick!
Please don't be sick!

1023
01:12:13,011 --> 01:12:14,380
It's the shellfish!

1024
01:12:15,681 --> 01:12:17,650
- You have it? Do you have it?
- Go! Go!

1025
01:12:17,750 --> 01:12:20,292
I go, I go, I go!

1026
01:12:21,053 --> 01:12:22,109
Valet!

1027
01:12:22,788 --> 01:12:25,758
- Oh, I don't like that. I don't like it.
- Close your eyes, sir.

1028
01:12:25,858 --> 01:12:29,215
- Give me the keys. Keys to the Rolls.
- Come on, let's go.

1029
01:12:29,315 --> 01:12:31,364
Well, at least none of us
had the shellfish.
1030
01:12:37,202 --> 01:12:39,252
Jock, please!

1031
01:12:40,038 --> 01:12:42,174
My sympathetic gag reflex.

1032
01:12:42,274 --> 01:12:46,279
Have you lost your bearings, man?
Shellfish at a catered affair?

1033
01:12:56,689 --> 01:13:00,826
I will have you two know that I had a firm
grasp on things before you showed up.

1034
01:13:00,926 --> 01:13:03,462
You certainly had
a firm grasp on something!

1035
01:13:03,562 --> 01:13:06,265
You dare to cast aspersions?

1036
01:13:06,365 --> 01:13:10,403
I am not the one entertaining
at all hours with a failed poet!

1037
01:13:18,277 --> 01:13:20,746
At least my focus at university
wasn't plagiarism!

1038
01:13:20,846 --> 01:13:22,905
Oh, stay out of it!

1039
01:13:26,518 --> 01:13:29,955
Oh, I've got a sensitive tummy!
There's more, there's more, there's more.

1040
01:13:30,055 --> 01:13:32,591
- No more, no more, no more.
- I swallowed it.

1041
01:13:34,527 --> 01:13:36,962
At least I have the good taste
to hide my indiscretions

1042
01:13:37,062 --> 01:13:38,897
and not parade them
under everyone's nose!

1043
01:13:38,997 --> 01:13:41,900
- So you admit there were indiscretions?
- I admit nothing!

1044
01:13:42,000 --> 01:13:44,003
- Then I deny nothing.
- Oh, shut up!

1045
01:13:59,284 --> 01:14:02,521
Questionable attack, Jock.
Spirited, though.

1046
01:14:03,021 --> 01:14:04,056
I'm done.

1047
01:14:39,057 --> 01:14:40,682
- There's their car!
- Where?

1048
01:14:40,782 --> 01:14:42,287
There!

1049
01:14:44,997 --> 01:14:49,240
Now we wait. Thirty seconds.
Twenty-nine...

1050
01:14:49,340 --> 01:14:51,870
- Twenty-eight...
- Don't count.

1051
01:14:57,710 --> 01:15:00,716
Better out than in. All right.

1052
01:15:01,880 --> 01:15:03,849
I shall secure the perimeter.

1053
01:15:03,949 --> 01:15:06,852
Why, this is an outrage!
There's not an ocean vista

1054
01:15:06,952 --> 01:15:09,722
- within miles of this establishment.
- Please don't be tiresome. Jock!
1055
01:15:09,822 --> 01:15:13,492
Are you quite finished
with your barrage of insults?

1056
01:15:17,162 --> 01:15:21,700
Now we heat the surface,
reveal the codes and transfer the money.

1057
01:15:21,800 --> 01:15:23,857
Get the blowtorch.

1058
01:15:44,356 --> 01:15:46,091
Nobody make a move.

1059
01:15:46,191 --> 01:15:50,095
I really wouldn't, you know,
he's trained and sexually frustrated.

1060
01:15:50,195 --> 01:15:53,465
Those bank codes won't fall
into the wrong hands again.

1061
01:15:53,565 --> 01:15:55,671
- Back away from the painting.
- Oh, don't do that!

1062
01:15:55,771 --> 01:15:57,703
- For heaven's sake.
- For England!

1063
01:16:04,076 --> 01:16:05,576
Oh, dear.

1064
01:16:07,462 --> 01:16:10,023
- Everyone out!
- Okay.

1065
01:16:21,393 --> 01:16:24,363
<i>The local authorities were displeased.</i>

1066
01:16:24,463 --> 01:16:26,064
<i>Strago and Georgina fled,</i>

1067
01:16:26,164 --> 01:16:30,202
<i>leaving the rest of us to answer
some rather pointed questions.</i>
1068
01:16:30,302 --> 01:16:33,489
<i>I recounted the sordid tale
as best I could...</i>

1069
01:16:33,589 --> 01:16:37,710
This may be a customary greeting
in America. I don't know.

1070
01:16:38,310 --> 01:16:42,147
<i>All the while,
my thoughts were only of home.</i>

1071
01:16:42,247 --> 01:16:47,085
<i>If indeed Johanna and I
still had a home to go to.</i>

1072
01:16:54,993 --> 01:16:58,257
I'm not sure if Jock has mentioned it,

1073
01:16:58,357 --> 01:17:02,534
but I am very, very sorry
about everything.

1074
01:17:02,634 --> 01:17:06,137
Darling? Please?

1075
01:17:11,009 --> 01:17:16,481
I suppose that we will have
to open the house to tours.

1076
01:17:16,581 --> 01:17:19,651
I'll have Jock fix up
the servants quarters for us.

1077
01:17:19,751 --> 01:17:24,723
Do you think that Jockie will stay on
without pay or lodging?

1078
01:17:24,823 --> 01:17:28,777
Don't be daft. This isn't finished yet.

1079
01:17:28,877 --> 01:17:32,764
That painting was a fake.
A fake? How do you know?

1080
01:17:32,864 --> 01:17:35,011
A chap called Bunny's got the real one.

1081
01:17:35,111 --> 01:17:37,302
- Bunny?
- Bronwen lied from the start.

1082
01:17:37,702 --> 01:17:42,174
She never found the lost Goya.
She painted it.

1083
01:17:42,274 --> 01:17:43,309
Of course!

1084
01:17:43,709 --> 01:17:46,612
<i>Bronwen makes a fake, and calls Krampf.</i>

1085
01:17:46,712 --> 01:17:50,229
Am I interested? I'm wildly interested.

1086
01:17:50,329 --> 01:17:52,451
<i>Krampf calls Spinoza.</i>

1087
01:17:52,551 --> 01:17:54,981
<i>Georgina finds out about it
and tells Emil,</i>

1088
01:17:55,081 --> 01:17:57,222
<i>who goes to steal the painting
from Bronwen.</i>

1089
01:17:57,322 --> 01:17:59,324
<i>But Spinoza's already there.</i>

1090
01:17:59,424 --> 01:18:02,461
<i>He boffs Emil on the bean
and takes the painting.</i>

1091
01:18:02,661 --> 01:18:06,131
<i>Spinoza then secrets
the painting into the Rolls</i>

1092
01:18:06,231 --> 01:18:10,102
<i>and I unwittingly smuggle it to Krampf.</i>

1093
01:18:10,202 --> 01:18:13,805
The Duke told me that Bunny
has the painting, but I can't find him.

1094
01:18:13,905 --> 01:18:18,043
- Which Duke?
- Of Asherboroughdon. Bronwen's lover.

1095
01:18:18,143 --> 01:18:19,645
Bunny.

1096
01:18:19,745 --> 01:18:22,781
"Love, your Bunny!"
Oh! The note in the studio.

1097
01:18:22,881 --> 01:18:25,250
It was not from a child,
it was from him.

1098
01:18:25,350 --> 01:18:28,487
The Duke is Bunny.

1099
01:18:28,687 --> 01:18:31,819
- And it wasn't his tadger.
- Come again?

1100
01:18:31,919 --> 01:18:34,393
The Duke kept trying to get me
to go into his lavatory

1101
01:18:34,493 --> 01:18:37,395
- to look at his John Thomas.
- Oh. Randy bugger.

1102
01:18:37,495 --> 01:18:40,866
Only that wasn't it at all! He was trying
to show me the real painting.

1103
01:18:41,366 --> 01:18:44,957
The Duchess of Wellington
is in Bunny's loo.

1104
01:19:01,253 --> 01:19:03,806
- Oh, my.
- Oh, my.

1105
01:19:05,223 --> 01:19:08,793
- Oh, my.
- Oh, my!

1106
01:19:09,928 --> 01:19:11,580
- Oh, my.
- Oh, my.

1107
01:19:14,232 --> 01:19:18,446
Well, the water bailiff
won't bother him now.

1108
01:19:19,738 --> 01:19:23,742
- Terribly sorry for your loss, madam.
- How very kind.

1109
01:19:25,243 --> 01:19:27,813
Would you mind ever so much
if we used the lavatory?

1110
01:19:29,748 --> 01:19:32,113
It's this way.

1111
01:19:37,556 --> 01:19:40,353
Oh, you beautiful breadwinner.

1112
01:19:41,493 --> 01:19:45,030
- Darling, please, you are killing me.
- Right.

1113
01:19:46,097 --> 01:19:49,801
- Out the window with it?
- Quite.

1114
01:19:51,035 --> 01:19:52,901
However...

1115
01:19:53,538 --> 01:19:57,009
I do have the slightest of queries.

1116
01:19:57,109 --> 01:19:59,177
What do we do next?

1117
01:20:00,144 --> 01:20:02,247
Because if Martland should get
his grubby hands on that painting,

1118
01:20:02,347 --> 01:20:06,919
he would destroy a magnificent work of art.
And we will be out a finder's fee.

1119
01:20:07,019 --> 01:20:09,221
If it falls into Strago's hands,

1120
01:20:09,321 --> 01:20:14,192
he will unleash his unpleasantness
to disastrous effect upon the world.

1121
01:20:14,292 --> 01:20:18,763
And if we try to sell it to Romanov,
he will kill us and simply take it instead.

1122
01:20:18,863 --> 01:20:22,868
And yet we must find a way to pay
eight million in back taxes.

1123
01:20:22,968 --> 01:20:27,071
Quite, quite, yes, indeed, quite.

1124
01:20:27,171 --> 01:20:30,942
Quite a conundrum, this. I shall need
a moment to think this through, I'm afraid.

1125
01:20:31,042 --> 01:20:33,128
Yes, do. Do think.

1126
01:20:33,228 --> 01:20:36,583
Just bear in mind, I'm standing on a loo,
holding a dead man's Goya.

1127
01:20:37,983 --> 01:20:41,486
Our painting is entered in Sedgwick's
Friday auction, is it not?

1128
01:20:41,986 --> 01:20:44,790
- Yes.
- Perfect.

1129
01:20:44,890 --> 01:20:49,027
We are going to enter the Goya into
the auction, disguised as our Sheridan.

1130
01:20:49,327 --> 01:20:52,364
But it's already at Sedgwick's.
It's been authenticated.
1131
01:20:52,664 --> 01:20:54,533
We'll make a switch.

1132
01:20:54,633 --> 01:20:58,904
But first we must convince our buyers
that the Goya's back in play.

1133
01:20:59,004 --> 01:21:02,347
They won't take our word for it.
They'll want to see it themselves.

1134
01:21:02,447 --> 01:21:04,109
Then we'll show it to them.

1135
01:21:04,809 --> 01:21:09,414
<i>What the situation requires now
is a well-spun rumor.</i>

1136
01:21:09,514 --> 01:21:11,849
Sir Graham. A message for you, sir.

1137
01:21:14,319 --> 01:21:16,855
What is all this nonsense?

1138
01:21:16,955 --> 01:21:20,725
You know I'm not interested
in your flaccid Sheridan.

1139
01:21:20,825 --> 01:21:22,517
Darling?

1140
01:21:28,240 --> 01:21:30,323
Interested now?

1141
01:21:30,423 --> 01:21:32,177
Very.

1142
01:21:32,570 --> 01:21:36,174
- But I watched it burn.
- It's Mortdecai, sir.

1143
01:21:36,274 --> 01:21:40,307
Chatter is he's found a dashedly
clever way to move it on the open market.
1144
01:21:41,480 --> 01:21:45,393
- The auction starts at 5:00 p.m.
- I want that painting.

1145
01:21:45,750 --> 01:21:47,787
The auction got it.

1146
01:21:49,253 --> 01:21:50,322
Good luck!

1147
01:22:01,600 --> 01:22:05,670
I believe he still owes me a finger.

1148
01:22:16,681 --> 01:22:18,450
- Hello, pookie.
- Hello, darling.

1149
01:22:18,850 --> 01:22:22,521
- I nicked one of their passkeys.
- Well done. We're Lot Seven.

1150
01:22:22,621 --> 01:22:26,172
I shall need 30 seconds to make the switch
once it's announced. Do not delay.

1151
01:22:26,272 --> 01:22:30,295
I know this building like the back
of my hand. You will have your time.

1152
01:22:31,496 --> 01:22:33,499
Good luck.

1153
01:22:49,014 --> 01:22:50,815
Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen.

1154
01:22:50,915 --> 01:22:54,315
Welcome to Sedgwick's
Autumn Master's Sale.

1155
01:22:54,415 --> 01:22:58,023
We shall begin with Lot One.

1156
01:22:58,123 --> 01:23:00,492
Barnyard Friends.
A lovely Helen Allingham,
1157
01:23:00,592 --> 01:23:04,729
depicting two horses,
an ass, and several cocks.

1158
01:23:04,829 --> 01:23:06,731
There's a lovely sky here.

1159
01:23:06,831 --> 01:23:10,435
Shall we start the bidding
at 17,000 pounds?

1160
01:23:10,535 --> 01:23:12,771
Seventeen thousand pounds,
thank you very much.

1161
01:23:18,443 --> 01:23:21,450
Stealthy, man, stealthy.

1162
01:23:22,514 --> 01:23:25,049
Like a jungle cat.

1163
01:23:27,552 --> 01:23:30,054
Hello, Vladimir. So good
to see you out and about.

1164
01:23:30,154 --> 01:23:32,924
Tell us where painting is,
or you have big hole in your head.

1165
01:23:33,024 --> 01:23:34,927
You will have hole in your balls!

1166
01:23:37,262 --> 01:23:39,465
Why is Dmitri obsessed with testicula?

1167
01:23:44,502 --> 01:23:49,608
Your mother and father only met once.
And money changed hands.

1168
01:23:50,909 --> 01:23:53,612
Probably less than a 20.

1169
01:23:53,812 --> 01:23:57,049
And they say she was dressed
as a man at the time.
1170
01:23:57,249 --> 01:23:59,764
I wouldn't, mate.

1171
01:24:00,264 --> 01:24:01,460
I really wouldn't.

1172
01:24:02,220 --> 01:24:05,223
Sold to the gentleman
in the fuchsia ascot.

1173
01:24:05,523 --> 01:24:07,459
Moving on to Lot Two.

1174
01:24:07,559 --> 01:24:12,264
All right. There. You won't be
needing this anymore, will you? Will you?

1175
01:24:16,935 --> 01:24:18,537
My God.

1176
01:24:19,571 --> 01:24:22,240
Oh, dash it all, Jock, man, your hand!

1177
01:24:23,275 --> 01:24:25,143
It's all right, sir, I've got another.

1178
01:24:25,243 --> 01:24:27,912
You know, remarkably, this is not
the first time I've shot Jock.

1179
01:24:28,012 --> 01:24:30,415
Sir, the switch. The switch, sir.

1180
01:24:30,515 --> 01:24:33,652
Oh, quite right. No time to dally.

1181
01:24:45,530 --> 01:24:47,565
I'll meet you inside, sir.

1182
01:24:47,665 --> 01:24:50,302
And we move on to Lot Four.

1183
01:24:50,402 --> 01:24:54,139
Fernand Just Quignon's Lavender Field.
1184
01:24:55,039 --> 01:24:56,408
Isn't it charming?

1185
01:25:23,067 --> 01:25:25,671
Thirty-five thousand pounds...

1186
01:25:28,039 --> 01:25:31,943
Forty thousand pounds?
40,000? 45, isn't it?

1187
01:25:32,043 --> 01:25:35,647
Forty-five, thank you, sir.
45, 50, back on the...

1188
01:25:41,853 --> 01:25:43,021
Give me the painting.

1189
01:25:50,194 --> 01:25:52,205
What painting?

1190
01:25:54,899 --> 01:25:58,837
I see that you have been schooled
in the... fine art of fencing.

1191
01:26:00,405 --> 01:26:02,212
Alas,

1192
01:26:03,875 --> 01:26:05,130
so have I.

1193
01:26:06,611 --> 01:26:09,047
An essential part
of every gentleman's education.

1194
01:26:10,715 --> 01:26:12,110
And as a gentleman,

1195
01:26:12,210 --> 01:26:15,038
I should warn you...
that my coup d'arret

1196
01:26:15,138 --> 01:26:19,157
is still whispered about
in hushed tones to this very day.

1197
01:26:21,526 --> 01:26:24,595
I don't like it, I don't like it,
I don't like it, I don't like it!

1198
01:26:26,298 --> 01:26:28,900
Twenty-five thousand pounds.

1199
01:26:38,143 --> 01:26:42,147
Lot Five. Smiling Woman in a Chair.

1200
01:26:54,092 --> 01:26:57,796
Sold for 210,000 pounds.

1201
01:27:02,133 --> 01:27:05,570
<i>And now, moving on to Lot Six.</i>

1202
01:27:33,030 --> 01:27:34,844
Oh, dear.

1203
01:27:43,941 --> 01:27:47,896
I would like to humbly
and unreservedly offer my deepest...

1204
01:27:51,048 --> 01:27:52,412
Truce?

1205
01:27:57,188 --> 01:28:00,225
Ladies and gentlemen,
if you would please remain calm.

1206
01:28:12,804 --> 01:28:16,374
Ladies and gentlemen, if you would please
remain in your seats, I would be grateful.

1207
01:28:26,317 --> 01:28:28,827
Where is Mortdecai?

1208
01:28:29,253 --> 01:28:30,822
Well, come on, then.

1209
01:28:54,312 --> 01:28:55,899
God.

1210
01:28:58,182 --> 01:29:01,384
Going on to Lot Seven.
1211
01:29:01,484 --> 01:29:05,591
- Colonel Blucher with Hounds near Twineham.
- But quietly. Quietly.

1212
01:29:06,791 --> 01:29:10,094
A lovely Sheridan offered
by the Mortdecai estate.

1213
01:29:10,194 --> 01:29:13,742
Shall we start the bidding
at 100,000 pounds?

1214
01:29:14,633 --> 01:29:17,068
One hundred thousand pounds.
Thank you, Sir Graham.

1215
01:29:18,836 --> 01:29:20,872
Fang wants finger.

1216
01:29:20,972 --> 01:29:24,008
Must go and bid. Must go and bid.
Must go and bid.

1217
01:29:26,811 --> 01:29:30,048
Where is Mortdecai? Tell me.

1218
01:29:30,148 --> 01:29:33,151
He's not here, mate. He sent me.

1219
01:29:34,252 --> 01:29:38,022
- Where is he?
- It's just me, mate.

1220
01:29:38,122 --> 01:29:39,591
Oh, God!

1221
01:29:40,458 --> 01:29:42,727
Dear, sweet, heroic Jock.

1222
01:29:43,427 --> 01:29:45,663
Two hundred. Very good.
Do we have three?

1223
01:29:46,243 --> 01:29:47,265
Three.
1224
01:29:47,365 --> 01:29:50,401
Yes, well, in future, if you could
please use your paddles.

1225
01:29:50,601 --> 01:29:53,638
I will take your finger.

1226
01:30:12,457 --> 01:30:17,796
I couldn't help overhearing
some discussion about your finger.

1227
01:30:18,096 --> 01:30:20,732
Oh, don't worry about that, sir,
I've got nine more.

1228
01:30:24,536 --> 01:30:27,071
I feel simply awful, man,
but I must get to the auction.

1229
01:30:27,271 --> 01:30:31,215
- I'll be all right, sir.
- We need eight million.

1230
01:30:32,777 --> 01:30:35,880
Now, can we go to 500?
500, ladies and gentlemen.

1231
01:30:35,980 --> 01:30:38,950
There he is. Now don't cause a panic.
Just get him.

1232
01:30:39,050 --> 01:30:42,253
Five hundred thousand.
Five hundred thousand.

1233
01:30:42,353 --> 01:30:45,590
- Hold. Hold.
- Thank you, madam, 500,000.

1234
01:30:45,690 --> 01:30:48,626
Do I have 600? 600,000 pounds,
ladies and gentlemen.

1235
01:30:48,726 --> 01:30:50,595
- Bid.
- What?
1236
01:30:51,496 --> 01:30:55,533
A bid from Lady Mortdecai, who seems
to be bidding on her own painting.

1237
01:30:55,633 --> 01:30:58,836
Just taking the horse for a trot out
to London and back, are we?

1238
01:30:58,936 --> 01:31:01,206
- Yeah.
- Very well. 600 then.

1239
01:31:01,606 --> 01:31:03,441
I'll make it up to you, Jockie.

1240
01:31:03,541 --> 01:31:05,777
Oh, I know you will, sir.
You always do.

1241
01:31:30,134 --> 01:31:31,916
Well done, sir.

1242
01:31:35,139 --> 01:31:38,175
It is a privilege, Jock.

1243
01:31:38,376 --> 01:31:40,779
<i>Are we all done at 900,000?</i>

1244
01:31:41,479 --> 01:31:43,047
Go bid!

1245
01:31:43,447 --> 01:31:47,284
<i>Fair warning at 900,000 pounds...</i>

1246
01:31:47,384 --> 01:31:49,448
from Sir Graham.

1247
01:31:50,154 --> 01:31:52,279
Last chance.

1248
01:31:52,379 --> 01:31:55,093
- And we are...
- Darling.

1249
01:31:57,094 --> 01:32:01,799
Yes, Lord Mortdecai?
Would you also like to make a bid?

1250
01:32:02,366 --> 01:32:04,302
Ten million pounds.

1251
01:32:04,402 --> 01:32:08,972
Ten million pounds
from Lord Mortdecai himself.

1252
01:32:10,842 --> 01:32:12,176
Move!

1253
01:32:12,276 --> 01:32:15,213
Come on! Twenty million, you swine!

1254
01:32:15,313 --> 01:32:16,781
Twenty-five million.

1255
01:32:16,881 --> 01:32:19,984
Twenty-five and a half!
26 and a quarter!

1256
01:32:20,084 --> 01:32:23,154
- Thirty million. Final offer!
- Is that our final bid?

1257
01:32:23,254 --> 01:32:27,725
Are we all done at 30 million pounds?

1258
01:32:28,692 --> 01:32:30,513
Sold.

1259
01:32:33,631 --> 01:32:36,868
There you are. 2,642 pounds.

1260
01:32:38,836 --> 01:32:41,118
I do beg your pardon.

1261
01:32:41,218 --> 01:32:43,707
Maths were never my strong suit.

1262
01:32:43,807 --> 01:32:47,179
But there was mention of 30 million,
so you take that.
1263
01:32:47,779 --> 01:32:50,815
Less commission, carrying,
handling, and transfer taxes,

1264
01:32:50,915 --> 01:32:53,451
left a total of just over
eight million pounds.

1265
01:32:53,551 --> 01:32:55,653
Which I am sorry to report has been...

1266
01:32:55,753 --> 01:33:01,842
Garnished by Her Majesty's government
in settlement of your tax bill, Charlie.

1267
01:33:02,994 --> 01:33:06,131
Can you think of a good reason
why I shouldn't arrest you right now?

1268
01:33:07,431 --> 01:33:08,900
I eschew discomfort?

1269
01:33:10,101 --> 01:33:12,037
Any blame here should fall on me.

1270
01:33:13,137 --> 01:33:15,139
Dear Alastair,

1271
01:33:15,239 --> 01:33:17,308
if I led you to believe
there was anything between us,

1272
01:33:17,408 --> 01:33:21,212
it was merely to find out
about the case and protect my husband.

1273
01:33:21,312 --> 01:33:22,947
Can you forgive me?

1274
01:33:23,047 --> 01:33:25,114
Of course, Johanna.

1275
01:33:25,833 --> 01:33:27,706
Charlie?

1276
01:33:30,421 --> 01:33:33,506
It was a damned good try, old bean.

1277
01:33:37,862 --> 01:33:40,298
"Of all sad words of tongue or pen,

1278
01:33:40,398 --> 01:33:44,234
"the saddest are these,
'It might have been'."

1279
01:33:44,702 --> 01:33:46,707
Thank you, Maurice.

1280
01:33:56,447 --> 01:34:01,252
<i>Poor Jock. He was frantic with worry.</i>

1281
01:34:01,352 --> 01:34:05,589
<i>But I knew everything
would be all right in the end.</i>

1282
01:34:09,193 --> 01:34:11,290
<i>Magnificent.</i>

1283
01:34:13,297 --> 01:34:15,666
Do you think the codes
are really there?

1284
01:34:15,766 --> 01:34:20,037
They most certainly are, darling.
And I gave them to the authorities.

1285
01:34:20,137 --> 01:34:23,107
Anonymously, of course.

1286
01:34:23,207 --> 01:34:28,246
We may be flat broke, my darling,
but we are not desperate.

1287
01:34:28,346 --> 01:34:31,749
I do hope Romanov doesn't come down
too hard on Sir Graham,

1288
01:34:31,849 --> 01:34:34,952
when he finds out
he bought the wrong fake.

1289
01:34:35,352 --> 01:34:37,206
Lights.

1290
01:34:43,460 --> 01:34:45,897
That is disappointing.

1291
01:34:45,997 --> 01:34:47,899
Very disappointing.

1292
01:34:47,999 --> 01:34:50,443
Open your balls.

1293
01:34:54,471 --> 01:34:55,502
Bollocks.

1294
01:34:56,841 --> 01:34:58,853
Now...

1295
01:34:58,953 --> 01:35:02,554
tell me about that tramp on the horse.

1296
01:35:03,347 --> 01:35:09,787
Oh, my darling, I tried desperately
to be unfaithful to you, I really did.

1297
01:35:10,154 --> 01:35:11,923
But I just couldn't do it.

1298
01:35:13,724 --> 01:35:16,060
It's a terrible moment
when you find yourself

1299
01:35:16,160 --> 01:35:19,464
falling in love
with your own spouse, isn't it?

1300
01:35:19,564 --> 01:35:22,099
Now, that is the look that softens

1301
01:35:22,199 --> 01:35:26,204
every bone in my body, except one.

1302
01:35:28,305 --> 01:35:31,209
Do you mean you are ready?

1303
01:35:32,677 --> 01:35:34,812
I see no obstacle to such a course.

1304
01:35:38,549 --> 01:35:42,787
My love, surely you recall
I have already been circumcised.

1305
01:35:47,892 --> 01:35:49,321
Charlie?

1306
01:35:50,294 --> 01:35:53,464
Mrs. Mortdecai, as you well know,

1307
01:35:53,864 --> 01:35:57,901
I am a man of few words.

1308
01:35:59,536 --> 01:36:04,007
I deeply, deeply love...

1309
01:36:04,542 --> 01:36:06,077
my moustache.

1310
01:36:08,479 --> 01:36:11,088
But... I have discovered...

1311
01:36:12,383 --> 01:36:14,889
that I love you...

1312
01:36:15,753 --> 01:36:16,821
more.

1313
01:36:20,124 --> 01:36:21,104
Proceed.

1314
01:36:24,562 --> 01:36:27,631
Would you really do that for me?

1315
01:36:28,132 --> 01:36:30,217
For you,

1316
01:36:30,317 --> 01:36:33,841
there is nothing I would not do.

1317
01:36:37,174 --> 01:36:40,378
Well, in that case, Mr. Mortdecai,
1318
01:36:40,478 --> 01:36:44,249
I should be very pleased
if you would keep it.

1319
01:36:45,316 --> 01:36:47,184
Really?

1320
01:36:47,284 --> 01:36:49,287
I mean...

1321
01:36:50,654 --> 01:36:53,257
Oh, darl...

1322
01:36:53,357 --> 01:36:55,826
Your gag reflex.

1323
01:36:55,926 --> 01:36:57,922
Try me.

1324
01:37:08,405 --> 01:37:10,124
Pookie.

1325
01:37:10,224 --> 01:37:13,464
I have never been so...

1326
01:37:39,110 --> 01:37:43,387
<i>Raging again and I'm dressed in trouble</i>

1327
01:37:43,487 --> 01:37:47,398
<i>Lost for a name, but I've met my double</i>

1328
01:37:47,498 --> 01:37:53,787
<i>I'd like to get to know you first, my love</i>

1329
01:37:56,127 --> 01:38:00,302
<i>Spending the days in our tranquil bubble</i>

1330
01:38:00,402 --> 01:38:03,367
<i>Lost in your gaze and I'm dumbstruck</i>

1331
01:38:03,467 --> 01:38:08,176
<i>But you're radiantly beautiful</i>

1332
01:38:08,276 --> 01:38:11,621
<i>My love</i>

1333
01:38:12,247 --> 01:38:15,616
<i>My love</i>

1334
01:38:16,897 --> 01:38:20,269
<i>Johanna</i>

1335
01:38:20,369 --> 01:38:25,335
<i>You're such a pretty picture</i>

1336
01:38:25,435 --> 01:38:28,687
<i>Johanna</i>

1337
01:38:28,787 --> 01:38:32,852
<i>You stole my heart away</i>

1338
01:38:32,952 --> 01:38:37,728
<i>You stole my heart away</i>

1339
01:38:47,315 --> 01:38:51,375
<i>Stealing away in a midnight fever</i>

1340
01:38:51,475 --> 01:38:55,441
<i>Nowhere to go, but I've got to leave her</i>

1341
01:38:55,541 --> 01:39:01,599
<i>I'm ready to apologise, my love</i>

1342
01:39:04,281 --> 01:39:09,263
<i>Counting my fears,
but I've got no fingers left</i>

1343
01:39:09,363 --> 01:39:12,540
<i>Through here, all alone with my guilt</i>

1344
01:39:12,640 --> 01:39:19,483
<i>I'm dying to share everything with you</i>

1345
01:39:20,083 --> 01:39:23,562
<i>With you</i>

1346
01:39:24,941 --> 01:39:28,348
<i>Johanna</i>
1347
01:39:28,448 --> 01:39:33,194
<i>You're such a pretty picture</i>

1348
01:39:33,473 --> 01:39:36,656
<i>Johanna</i>

1349
01:39:36,756 --> 01:39:40,766
<i>You stole my heart away</i>

1350
01:39:40,866 --> 01:39:45,870
<i>You stole my heart away</i>

1351
01:39:55,747 --> 01:39:59,758
<i>I've been ruined by the things I've seen</i>

1352
01:39:59,858 --> 01:40:03,972
<i>You've got rhythm but it won't hold me</i>

1353
01:40:04,072 --> 01:40:07,329
<i>I'm not amazed but I'm on my knees</i>

1354
01:40:07,429 --> 01:40:09,469
<i>And I feel</i>

1355
01:40:09,569 --> 01:40:11,639
<i>And I feel</i>

1356
01:40:11,739 --> 01:40:15,074
<i>Johanna</i>

1357
01:40:15,174 --> 01:40:19,763
<i>You're such a pretty picture</i>

1358
01:40:20,194 --> 01:40:23,411
<i>Johanna</i>

1359
01:40:23,511 --> 01:40:28,103
<i>You stole my heart away</i>

1360
01:40:28,794 --> 01:40:32,158
<i>Johanna</i>

1361
01:40:32,258 --> 01:40:36,852
<i>You're such a pretty picture</i>

1362
01:40:37,321 --> 01:40:40,521
<i>Johanna</i>

1363
01:40:40,621 --> 01:40:44,741
<i>You stole my heart away</i>

1364
01:40:44,841 --> 01:40:48,958
<i>You stole my heart away</i>

1365
01:40:49,058 --> 01:40:53,252
<i>You stole my heart away</i>

1366
01:40:53,332 --> 01:40:57,869
<i>You stole my heart away</i>

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