Wang 1 

Chen Wang 

Prof. Nicole Warwick  

Writing 1 

15 March 2018 

Speaking Up 

TRIGGERING ALERT: THIS CONTENT MAY BE TRIGGERING FOR EATING 

DISORDER PATIENTS. 

I still remember an incident after I realized that I might have eating disorder. On a biting 

winter night, my mom asked me to go for a walk with her in the neighborhood after dinner. I 

exhausted all the possible expressions that I could ever think of to explain what I had been going 

through as well as the fear and the pain of losing control. She worried: “Could you please just stop 

dieting and binging? Why is it so hard for you to eat normally?” I told her what arduous efforts I 

made to eat normally but proved futile: “I wonder why as much as you do! I even locked myself in 

my bedroom so that I wouldn't “hunt” for comforting food endlessly, but the suppressed desire 

broke out anyway at the end of the day. I sneaked out, ran to the nearest bakery down the street, and 

swallowed the croissant in haste the way back home as I choked with tears in the freezing wind. I’m 

so terrified realizing that I have no control over my own eating behaviors…” She stared at me 

heartbrokenly: “I will find a way to have you accompanied (watched on) twenty-four seven so that 

you wouldn’t binge.” The harsh wind blowed. I felt cold from head to toe, from inside to outside, 

even though my mom was holding me with her warm hand. I was mute. At that very moment I 

decided that it was the end of all disorder-related conversations for good. I realized that I was one of 

those individuals not to be understood as a pathetic consequence inflicted by a lack of awareness of 

mental health across my ​culture. I was disempowered to speak up as if I had been isolated in a 
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vacuum where people around me only gave superficial consolations like “Everything will be okay” 

without a grasp on my misery.  

Things became a little bit different after I studied abroad in a high school in Rochester, New 

York. I was still overwhelmed by toxic fitness messages like “You can CONTROL your life and 

SHAPE your future”. Nevertheless, I noticed the dramatic distinction of “body goals” on social 

platforms between China and here: we Chinese “worship” fair skin and slenderness, while 

Americans pursuit tan, curviness and muscularity. This divergence of appreciation of beauty 

strongly questioned my long-held shape-related belief “taught” by my culture. If there was no ​such 

thing as absolute beauty standard, if there were various standards out there across time and space, 

then wasn’t it pointless to regard one of them as the only one and follow it faithfully? If the 

appreciation of beauty was fluid, then there was no association between certain shape and 

self-worth. My long-established mentality was shaken. I finally gained the authoritative information 

about bulimia nervosa, the type of eating disorder (now called feeding and eating disorder as 

mentioned in ​Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders 5th edition​) I had, when doing a 

research paper on eating disorder for Psychology 101 in my last term in high school. Some of the 

diagnostic criteria include:  

A. Recurrent episodes of binge eating. An episode of binge eating is characterized by both 

of the following: 

1. Eating, in a discrete period of time (e.g., within any 2-hour period), an amount of 

food that is definitely larger than what most individuals would eat in a similar period 

of time under similar circumstances. 

2. A sense of lack of control over eating during the episode (e.g., a feeling that one 

cannot stop eating or control what or how much one is eating). 

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B. Recurrent inappropriate compensatory behaviors in order to prevent weight gain, such as 

self-induced vomiting; misuse of laxatives, diuretics, or other medications; fasting; or 

excessive exercise. 

C. Self-evaluation is unduly influenced by body shape and weight. (American Psychiatrist 

Association, 345) 

I called my mom and could finally explain what had happened to me for the past two years: 

“Mom, I learned about bulimia in my Psych class today. My bulimic symptoms can be summarized 

as a vicious cycle: dieting/excessive exercising–binging–dieting/excessive exercising (as shown 

below). As long as I tie my self-worth to my shape/weight, I will always exert restriction on my 

eating/exercising in some form. There is something called optimal range of weight wired in my 

gene, at which I am most healthy and alive; as my body detects that my weight deviates far from 

optima due to self-restriction, it does something, binging, in my case, to bring me back to the 

optimal state. The only way to be free from bulimia is to break from the cycle, and I need 

professional assistance to accomplish that. I found an authoritative inpatient eating disorder 

program in Shanghai. Mom, I had enough of all these. I want to be cured.” She sounded choked 

with sobs: “ Oh my girl… Send me the program info. I will set up a phone appointment with a 

psychiatrist as soon as possible…” At long last I shattered the glass of isolation. My unutterable 
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agony finally made sense to her. For the first time in the past two years, someone from my culture, 

my mom, truly understood my suffering. 

I joined the program two days after I graduated and returned home. I started to resume the 

courage and ability to speak up as I gained more self-acceptance and learned to respect my true 

nature. There I was asked to finish a variety of food with full amounts suggested each meal. I lost 

the sense of hunger because of my eating disorder history, therefore each meal I fed myself bit by 

bit, and used a break when I was too sick, trying to meet the lowest amount limit which was beyond 

satiety for me at that time. The first meal took me nearly one hour to finish and each day I endure 

nausea and frequent acid reflux.  

My physical discomfort was almost negligible in comparison to my mental uneasiness. In a 

hospitalized environment like this, no restrictive eating or compensatory behaviors like excessive 

exercise were allowed. I even needed to write a request to get out of our floor for a walk. It was 

easy for me to trust the staffs since they were authoritative in the field of eating disorder treatment, 

but it was nearly impossible for me to trust my own body. Every bite of the food that I labeled as 

“fattening”, a fried drumstick, for example, was extremely risky and dreadful. I had to talked myself 

through repetitively so that I reinforced my trust in the staffs’ instructions and tried to turn a blind 

eye to my racing, irrational minds like “I couldn’t believe I just ate a bowl of stewed barbecue pork. 

I would gain ten pounds of weight and look miserable tomorrow.” “Shrewd” patients always found 

a way to disobey the instructions. I saw someone hold a napkin in her hand and secretly wipe the 

grease off the stir-fry veggies; I noticed a girl pull a piece of bread into her wide sleeves carefully 

under the eyes of the therapist on-duty and throw it away later; I happened to meet a patient with 

the red calluses she just created on her knuckles  (a sign of self-induced vomiting) outside of the 

women’s restroom... The staffs were aware of some of these eating disorder behaviors but their 

hands were tied, since recovery was of one’s free will and they couldn’t keep a watch on the 
 Wang 5 
patients twenty-four seven or handcuff them. I felt just as insecure and scared as them but I 

managed to follow the “Don’ts and Do’s” despite the triggering behaviors around me. I made up my 

mind to free myself, no matter what it took.  

One-on-one session with my therapist was challenging but worthwhile. I chose to take the 

risk to speak up. It was the first time in my life that I showed vulnerability: “I intuitively feel that 

what our society teaches about success and appearance is plausible, but those values appear to be 

authoritative and have been penetrating my everyday life since I was little. How could I know 

better? I am so exhausted trying to get approval or to be superior, otherwise I am a loser and I 

would hate myself for being a loser. I seek control over my life by controlling my shape but end up 

with losing control of food and thoughts. I feel insecure every time my weight fluctuates...” 

Speaking up about my deepest fear was already a huge relief with a nonjudgmental listening ear. As 

expected, our conversation didn’t end up in agreement at first: 

–I want to stay in shape so that I am valuable and lovable. 

–Are you also more valuable by volunteering at an animal shelter or cooking your parents a 

nice meal? 

–Well… I think so…but I want to be perfect so that I can make sure that I’m valuable and 

lovable. I want to be good at every aspect, academics, appearance, social skills, etc. 

–Is perfection even achievable? 

–Probably not. But I think the closer I get to perfection, the more secure I feel.  

Later on, our conversation became: 

–The dietitian told me that the optimal range of weight was not changeable. I feel like I’m 

doomed to live with it. 

–Doomed? Have you ever heard of the Serenity Prayer? 

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, 

Courage to change the things I can, 

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And wisdom to know the difference. 

Things don’t just happen to you. Life is by choice. You get to choose whether you change 

the things you can, and whether you change perspectives on things you can’t change. You choose to 

hate yourself. You choose to suffer, by listening to your and others’ critical voice, mistakenly 

relating your self-worth with shape, and failing to meet your true wants. When you don’t speak up 

and keep your emotions to yourself, your body does. That’s how psychological disorders come 

about through experiences. 

–Ummm… Let me think about it… 

Those words were mind-blowing. I had to suspend all my judgments and critics to really listen and 

consider the alternative perspective my therapist suggested. I came to see how the disorder tied to 

something deeper than the apparent eating and exercising behaviors. 

Quantitative efforts of speaking up and listening to others mounts to qualitative changes. I 

gradually became powerful in both my own eyes and others’. I rebuilt my mindset and value system 

little by little. I started to accept myself as who I truly am, and gain self-compassion. I learn 

practical skills like emotion regulation and self-care as well as important knowledge about nutrition, 

exercise and psychology. I learned how to be nonjudgmental despite my hidden judgments; I saw a 

universal fluidity that shatters general stereotypes. I became powerful in my own eyes. Most 

importantly, I gained the courage to speak up to challenge the critiques and became powerful in 

other people’s eyes. I taught people how to treat me. Once an acquaintance approached me with the 

“I say this for your own sake” face: “How was your winter break? You have gained weight! I’m 

losing weight right now and so should you!” I drew my boundary assertively: “I don’t want to 

comment on your shape or your decision to lose weight. It’s your personal choice. Please leave me 

out of it because I’m comfortable with my body.” I started to speak up in class to share my insights 

or ask “stupid” questions instead of talking about it one-on-one after class or during office hour. I 

even spoke up to/for my younger self by imagining a time travel. In my imagination, I went back to 
 Wang 7 
the scene where my ten-year-old self sitting at the desk helplessly as some boys joked around and 

called her “chubby”. I spoke up to her softly but affirmatively: “You are lovable and you have much 

to offer.” After I wiped her tears and gave her a big bear hug, I held her hand and took her to 

explore all the interesting things out there in our life. Rather than consenting to those critiques and 

harming my vulnerable younger self for being pathetic and powerless, I spoke up to her to equip her 

with self-acceptance and self-compassion; I spoke up for her and hence became an ally. I know my 

value lies in my being, not doing. I feel peaceful. I am finally free. 

 
Work Cited 

American Psychiatric Association. ​Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders: 

DSM-5.​ American Psychiatric Publishing, 2013.