Interpersonal Communication

ANALYSIS OF INTIMATE
COMMUNICATION RULES PROPOSED
BY AN UNQUALIFIED INDIVIDUAL

Helena Hurtado and Mykl Miller

4/23/2018
ARTIFACT SUMMARY

In order to achieve a well informed and written paper, the artifact, “11 Communication Rules
Every Couple Should Follow in Their Relationship” was chosen. The artifact is an online
magazine from Reader’s Digest suggesting eleven romantic relationship rules that couples
should follow, and though it is initially presented in a list format, the layout of the article is less
list-like and more short summary, allowing for a more detailed approach on the different ways
that the communication styles the author chose can be improved (Baum, 2018). The author of the
article is Isadora Baum, who is a writer for Reader’s Digest, a content marketer, as well as a
certified health coach. She works as a freelance writer and editor and also has a background in
health and wellness coaching. She does not write exclusively for Reader’s Digest though,
occasionally opting to write for Bustle, SHAPE, Men’s Health, Women’s Health, Prevention,
POPSUGAR, Runner’s World, and more. She is also the author of 5-Minute Energy published
by Simon & Schuster (Baum, 2018).

As revealed above, Baum is a health coach, and typically writes for health magazines. She does
not have a major in any communication field and is therefore unqualified to speak about
relationships with any merit. This is why her article was chosen to be analyzed under the careful
eye of communication students.

The arguments and advice that will be explored in detail are Social Exchange Theory, ‘I’ over
‘You’ statements, avoiding extremes, nonverbal communication, effective listening, and
communicating efficiently. All of these topics are common obstacles navigated in relationships,
and it is important to express the knowledge of how to overcome these relationship challenges
before they even take place. Though this advice can apply to any relationship, the artifact focuses
specifically on intimate and romantic relationships: two of the most tricky and hard to manage
types of relationships in interpersonal communication. In contrast to relationships like familial
love and platonic love, romantic relationships cause more strain on communication due to
partners having more of an expectation of proper communication styles.

RESEARCH CONNECTION AND DESCRIPTION

Social Exchange Theory

To help fully highlight the reason for these communication conflicts, the Social Exchange
Theory was chosen, as it is the most universal and common method of communication. The
definition of the Social Exchange Theory, in short, is that people think of their relationships in
economic terms, for example, costs and rewards. Most, if not all, of the interpersonal concepts or
skills that go along with basic communication abide by the theoretic “rules” of costs and
rewards.

Although, keeping in mind that the Social Exchange Theory is still a theory, not all
communication will parallel the expectations of said theory. As written beautifully by Richard
Emerson in his research paper about Social Exchange Theory, "Social exchange as here
conceived is limited to actions that are contingent on rewarding reactions from others (Blau,
1964).’ Implied is a two-sided, mutually contingent, and mutually rewarding process involv-ing
‘transactions’ or simply ‘exchange.’” In layman's terms, Emerson is saying that all
communication is an exchange of words or knowledge to one or more people, but not all social
exchange is based specifically on cost and reward. Sometimes, communication is purely just
talking to another for the sake of conversation.

For the duration of this paper, the focus will be put solely on how the Social Exchange Theory is
important in communication through the use of ‘I’ over ‘You’ statements, avoiding extremes,
nonverbal communication, effective listening, and communicating efficiently.

“I” over “You” statements

In the artifact, one of the first issues touched on is “I” over “You” statements. These are defined
as statements in a conversation constructed to express issues that one may have with another but
in a less direct and judgemental fashion. For example, in psychologist John A. Johnson’s article,
he explains that saying "Hey, where's that report you were supposed to submit last Friday? You
are holding up the whole project!" and, "Hey, I am getting backed up and feeling a little stressed
because I don't have that report yet,” express two very different emotions to an individual on the
receiving end. Knowing which to use is the hard part, and requires mental training to edit the
mind’s initial thought process of blaming the other person. This skill is illustrated in the artifact
by a citation that Baum uses, preferring to quote a credible relationship counselor named
Jonathan Bennett, as he says, “Healthy communicators stick mostly to using 'I statements.' So,
instead of telling others how awful they are, 'I statements' express your own feelings and needs,
especially related to the topic that is dividing you.”

This method directly relates to the Social Exchange theory, mostly because of the reward factor
of the theory. Talking to someone properly, without judgment, without causing an argument,
provides a fast-track to getting what one wants out of the conversation. In the example provided
by Johnson, the way that the “I” statement was worded allowed for a much smoother transition
of information, expressing how one feels instead of placing the blame solely on others. This
should be done in healthy relationships to create a peaceful disagreement instead of an unhealthy
argument.

Avoid Extremes
Another important issue brought to light by the artifact is the use of extremes in conflict, which
are frequently called “polarized either-or extremes.” The textbook Interpersonal Communication:
Relating to Others explains this well by defining polarization as, “describing and evaluating what
you observe in terms of extremes with an either-or perspective. Pronouncing something as either
good or bad, old or new, beautiful or ugly, or brilliant or stupid misses the possibility that it’s not
that clear cut.” Polarized extremes almost always correlate to a misuse of the aforementioned “I”
over “You” statements, with partners instead opting to blame each other, instead of shouldering
some of the blame. As the word “extreme” implies, the statements in conflicts often include the
words “never” and “always” to bring down the other person or people involved.

Though the artifact only provides examples of the the beginning of the sentences used, such as,
“You always,” or, “You never,” it allows one to put in their own thoughts or personal
experiences to finish the sentences. Some examples may be, “You always leave your room dirty
and I am tired of it,” or “You never talk to me as much as you talk to them, and it makes me
mad.”
In relationships, it has been shown that the use of extremes stem from a few different issues piled
on top of each other. One: lack of respect for the other person, two: lack of communication
between partners, three: lack of trust, and four: differing values the two people have in their
relationship (de Almeida, 2015). The support provided by de Almeida shows that couples who
use extremes have more problems with their relationships than just the situation at hand, and it is
important for the couple to explore the weaknesses that they have with one another to resolve
these issues.

This situation directly relates to the Social Exchange Theory, and even though it is a bad way of
communicating with a partner, it still reflects the want for a reward. By blaming the other, the
cost could be their own mental health, or maybe the cost is their own relationship. The reward
would be understanding the person better, or getting a problem solved through the conflict. Not
all bad conflict results in a breakup, so it is important to view the relationship in this situation as
a cost or a reward. Maybe the person was not happy in that relationship, so the reward would be
separation, in contrast, the relationship may become stronger, resulting in a reward of a better
relationship. It all depends on the viewpoints of the people involved.

Interpreting Non-verbals
Another communication issue in relationships that are one of the most common forms of
communication is non-verbals. Non-verbals are forms of communication expressed without the
use of speech. Isadora Baum reminds the reader that in a relationship, one's partner cannot read
minds, and suggests not to assume that one partner in the relationship knows what the other is
thinking. She believes that non-verbals are not always clear to understand and can be
misinterpreted easily. This misinterpretation causes, in Baum's words, “couples [to] always get
into trouble when they assign meaning to a look or a perceived grimace," therefore, she
recommends using verbal messages to clarify any non-verbal messages sent from one partner to
another to confirm a mutual understanding of what each person means. The artifact partly
matches the scholarly research; according to the textbook Interpersonal Communication:
Relating to Others, all communication can be ambiguous, and talking about the intended
meaning of a message is beneficial. However, the textbook also discusses how non-verbals show
genuine feelings towards something and are harder to hide than verbals. For the Social Exchange
Theory, the costs and rewards are harder to define. Rewards could be a smile or a blush, or if the
intent is to harm, it could be a frown, visible anger, or crying.

Effective Listening
Effective listening requires the steps of stopping or tuning out distracting competing messages,
looking or be aware of nonverbals cues, and listening or create meaning from the partner’s
message. Most of the communication used between couples is based on effective listening,
which is “the process of selecting, attending to, creating meaning from, remembering, and
responding to verbal and nonverbal messages” (Beebe 2014). To select information, a person
must sort through all of the other various sounds that compete for a person’s attention and focus
on one particular sound or message to attend to. Then, one has to understand the message, which
is to assign meaning to the message. After understanding comes remembering, which is recalling
the information from long term or short term storage. Finally, responding is confirming one’s
understanding of a message.
To help couples have a healthy relationship, the artifact recommends “listening before speaking."
Effective listeners speak less and listen to what other’s messages are trying to tell them. People
often distract themselves by trying to say everything that is on their mind, bombarding their
partner with information without allowing their message to be heard. Reader’s Digest also says
to avoid, “a tendency to (i) hear something they want to respond to, (ii) immediately stop
listening to everything else the person is saying, and (iii) begin formulating their response while
waiting for the other person to stop talking (Baum, 2018)." This is similar to the concept of
focusing on one noise. People have internal noise from their own thoughts and often times
thinking about what they want to say before they say it, so formulating a response or focusing on
other sources of noise is not effective listening.

The costs and rewards of this particular advice are due to the specific listening skills from each
partner, and if listening is used effectively, then the rewards will be greater. Knowing what your
partner is talking about and adapting the conversation to that specific topic provides a reward of
a better conversation and more appreciation and love from the other person.

Communicate Effectively
Finally, to conclude the five methods of communication applied to the article, is learning how to
communicate effectively. Communication is defined as “the process of acting on information,
and effective communicators need to be other-oriented for the most successful communication,
especially in interpersonal relationships that involve mutual influence to manage the
relationship” (Beebe 2014). Being other-oriented is an important part of communicating
effectively, which the Baum touches on by saying, “So, it's vital that ‘when an argument arises,
each party adopt the posture of 'what can we do to move our shared life forward?' instead of
becoming petty and investing energy into showing why their point of view is correct, and why
the other person is wrong.” Reader’s Digest suggests that a person should be focusing on the
future by solving the problem together rather than becoming defensive and trying to win the
argument. Other-oriented people are aware of the thoughts, needs, experiences, personality,
emotions, motives, desires, culture, and goals of their communication partners while maintaining
their own integrity. The artifact shows this effective communication trait when discussing how to
avoid becoming defensive in an argument.

Trying to solve the issue and move forward with another person is more other-oriented than
being worried about saving face in an argument and trying to be right. This is a good basis for
the Social Exchange Theory, providing that the cost is personal pride and the reward is a
healthier relationship.

CRITIQUE

Overall, the artifact aligned with three interpersonal communication principles. A shared
perception of how the relationship is going is a necessity in an interpersonal relationship and is
written in the artifact by saying, "Successful couples are deeply committed to their shared future
and crafting an incredible life together (Baum, 2018).” Interpersonal communication is tied to
interdependence, and what one partner does directly impacts the other. The artifact displays
interdependency in the quote, “Take responsibility for your actions, be sincere, and work to
make the other person feel accounted for and reassured that you'll behave better next time”
(Baum, 2018). Couples often do things that hurt one another, so apologizing and trying to make
up for one’s mistakes is essential due to the connectedness between the two partners and the
effect their actions have on one another. Finally, relational expectations as a part of interpersonal
communication was described in the artifact by this quote: “Great couples communicate well,
without getting upset with each other by “messing up” by not understanding what’s going on in
the head (Baum, 2018)." Essentially, people are not mind readers, so communication verbally is
needed.

The few communication styles that were missing from the artifact were conflict stages and
management styles. If Baum were to have included the different stages of conflict, then the
reader could have a better understanding of where their relationship stood and if the costs
outweigh the rewards. Additionally, if the conflict management styles were discussed, then the
artifact would allow the couples to identify each other's different communication styles to adapt
to a different way of handling the issue to better accommodate for their relationship and to solve
the problem more efficiently. A person’s approach to conflict could be the reason the
relationship is having issues in the first place and may be an easy fix if the couple is other-
oriented.

The public posts a tremendous amount of information about relationship advice, ranging from
authors with experience in the communication and psychology fields to authors with no
background writing their personal opinions. People are exposed to it all without any guidance on
what is accurate or not and simply follow the advice provided by unqualified people. Additional
research is necessary to test the validity of a source and the information they present to others.
Readers are not aware enough to know whether a source is reliable or not and are not willing to
do the research to test the author’s advice.

Popular press can influence communication within our personal relationships by shaping how
people view their relationships. If the media is constantly saying how a relationship should be
and a personal relationship in question is not matching up, then one may end it in hopes to find
an ideal one. Or, in the case of an opposite situation, the media may make one feel better about
staying in a bad relationship when that relationship isn’t healthy. People may lose track of their
own costs and reward beliefs.

PERSONAL INSIGHT DESCRIPTION AND CONCLUSION

In my experience of being a communication student, being wary of what is on the internet is

important, especially when it teaches about important aspects of a person’s life, like
relationships. The popular press tries to convince readers that the authors are qualified and can
help people in developing communication skills, but that is not always the case.

Some advice I would would give is that it is important to realize that the regularity of the
concepts and theory discussed above often come into play in a person’s everyday life. People
deal with communication in many forms constantly, therefore, it is important to understand what
is happening in the world. Some important notes on the Social Exchange Theory are the fact that
people’s standards for rewards and costs in a relationship change over time and differ between
people. What one person may value and cannot deal with in a relationship will evolve as that
person grows and experiences new things that may change their perspective. Don’t let little
“costs” turn into deciding factors to end a relationship. Couples fight and grow together by
communicating and working situations out. The concepts discussed above all help manage
relationships, which is essential due to the undeniable fact that all couples fight. Overall, the best
advice is to talk any issues out with one’s partner and to focus on the bigger picture.
WORKS CITED

Baum, I. (2018). 11 Communication Rules Every Couple Should Follow in Their Relationship.
Manhattan, NY: Trusted Media Brands

Baum, I. (2018). Isadora Baum: Bringing Words to Life. Retrieved from

http://isadorabaum.com).

Beebe, S., Beebe, S., Redmond, M. (2014). Interpersonal Communication: Relating to Others. (7
ed. 125-127). Upper Saddle River, NJ: Pearson Education, Inc.

Bennett, J. (2017). The Popular Man. Retrieved from http://thepopularman.com/testimonials/

de Almeida, A. (2015). How to avoid the Love & Hate extremes in a Relationship. Retrieved
from http://insidethecask.com/2015/11/11/

Emerson, R. (1976). Social Exchange Theory. Department of Sociology, 336. Sociol.

1976/2:335-362

Galvin, K. M. (2011). Making connections. (5 ed., pp. 38-40). New York, NY: Oxford
University Press, Inc.

Johnson, J. A. (2012). Are 'I' Statements Better than 'You' Statements? Retrieved from
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/cui-bono/201211/are-i-statements-better-you-
statements