t404oe perereseorens HOG 9>9O90996440070 A COLLECTION OF Scarce,.Curious and VALUABLE PIECES, Both in VERsE and PROSE, WAOEdS Or ODEOEOSEOEDEETESEROEEESEEOEND -Je be Oy ttm es A COLLECTION or ‘Scarce, Currous and VaLuaBLe PIECES, fe Both in Verse and Prose; ‘ | | | | . " Chtety fatedied | -From the fugitive Produétions . | oF “The moft-erinent Wits of the 7 *:prefent Age. ane enamels : it ridentem dicere verum Quid vetat. — iets EDINBURGH: ‘Printed by W. Rupc imax. M,DCC,LXXIII. Bh. ‘8a‘ADVERTISEMENT. HAVE been attentive to admit 4 nothing into the prefent Colleéti- on, that did nat appear to me of impor- tance and. value. Many of the pieces were ‘exceedingly Tare, and confined to the cabinets of. the: curious; others of them are. particularly -interefting, from the topics they treat, and in all of them - there is high poetical meric, *t isa jiiftice to the memory of*in- “genious men to beftow an attention on thofe of their performances, which, ‘from ‘the manner of their original pub- lication, have little probability of de- {cending to pofterity. This: fmall vo- lume I have ventured to dedicate to this purpofe. It is a record of merit, which might have been neglected; and . ofADVERTISEMENT. of wit, which might have ceafed to excite admiration, . Men of genius are too often indiffe- rent about the fate of their fugitive Pieces ;: and ‘the generality of readers are.too. carelefs to fearch after them. Jt. is, therefore, abfolutely neceflary, shat there be, in the republic of letters, .afew unambitious members, who have "a pleafure inthe humble tafk of ‘collec ting what others have written. . ‘Wan, RuDDIMAN, : EprnpurGH, JUNE 1773. ~c¢ ON T EN T S,- RoPon DO; or the State Jogglerss In three Cantas:: . . Canto. I. ee — . page — Il.. Refignation 2 — UR ete 55 Art of Politics, in imitation of Horace’s Art of Poetry | eet OE — of Preaching, ditto. — — 113 = of Cookery, dittos with Letters to Dr “Lifter, dee. eee OF Art. of Dating, id:two Cantos: Canto I. — —_—_ 207 — II. _ — . _ 216 | Harlequin-Horace ; or, the Art of Modern Poetry _— - 233 | Art of Angling, i in eight Dialogues, in Verfe : Dislogneiv CONTENTS... Dialogue I. a Defence of Angling - 275 II. Some generat Ruleg of Sport 280 — The Anglers Song — 284 . ——— IH. Angling for Trout — 286 ——— IV.. ‘Angling for'Perch:- —=-: | 292 —— V. Angling for Carp... - —— = —— VI. Mixed Angling ~~. — 307 —— VII. Trowling for Pike. —-- 31% —-— VIII. Fithing. for Pike with Lay- ‘Wrooks ©. me ieee OT ae Art of Lying, (an Intreduction toy °° 335 Art of Punning, in thirty-four Roles -— ° 353. The ManofTafte ©. —.. .— 39r . The Poet's Prayer. -— sie 406. +. Genius, Virtue, and Reputation, a’ Fable: -4ro- ST. Saal ls or) ~RODGNDOFh 5 R oO | Dd ‘ob and dione z - - Uding’ _D 03 STATE sUGGLERS, PEOLEEOEEEESLEIEDS HESS SEEE DE SESE CANTOL HEN learning grew to fach a head _ That authors wrote, who never read; And fpecial wits, in verfe and profe, Like mufhrooms, in a night arofe ; Regal’d the Town a day, and then Sunk to obfcurity again. When Henley, pride of Butcher Row, . Was gone where Ch—Il too mutt go; But like Elijah left his fpirit, For this Elifha to inkerit. When bare a—s’d Caledonian rogues, ' Forfook their oatmeal, plaids, and brogues ; And over Berwick-bridge came flocking, For Galligafkine, fhoe and ftocking, When knowledge, courage, fenfe, and worth, Were firft defin’d by South and North ; And Tweed’s irremzable waves, Became the boundary of—knaves. A Whenea ke 2 °‘ROD-ONDO, ‘on ” ‘When even T—ple grew « wife man, ~ rendu: . eB And gauged —~_ *- excifeeman : * Imbibing fympathetic wit Rv | And eloquence from bsether P-tt. ~ Then great Roponvo left the fteerage, And took a Penfion and a Peerage ; Yet warn’d by patriot P---tn—y’s fate, He kick'd and boggled at the baie 5° : Nor would he touch a fingle tefter 5 ~ But left all that to Lady E—r. See what it is to have a wife ! She wears the coronet for life ; And for her fake 4e ftoops to bear, Three thoufand Englith pounds a-year And ftill a patriot firm and true, Is not oblig'd to duck/e to; Bot flands upon his honour till, Like captain Bluff, or Bobadil. Yet, left this pimping penfion ftory, e Should tarrifh patriotic glory. He took at once to thrifty courfes, And wifely advertis’d his horfes : ‘As who fhould fay; “ ’tis all a lie: I can’t afford a fet; not I!” With borrow’d pair thro’ Cheapfide drove, To thank the city for her love ; And zealous in his country’s caufe, Bow’d and 4uzza’d—hbis own applaufe ! ByTxe STATE JUGGLERS : By iofs of place and ps=er a winner Of pen fen, peerage ; mob acd dicner: Thea ftuff’d with pxddieg as with prsi 7, Retir’4 to folitaie and H—yes ! Bet there bis time was not miipent, Like common folks ia banifiment. He fcora’d to play at duck and drake, Like Scipio on pond or lake. At plough like Cincionatus toil ; Or in a pipkin turnips boil : Eat fiith with Milo at Marfeilies : With Alcibiades tame quails ; Look after oxen like Apollo, And tune his pipe to jigg, or folo: No, great Radondo’s mighty mind, Defpis’d all paftime of that kind ; For, as of Hadibras the fword, One half its fcabbard erft devour’d, And would have made the whole a prize, Unlefs for nobler exercife ; So his great foul, if left at eafe, Wou’d gnaw his flefh, as maggots, cheefe ; Or tempt the gout his deadly foe, To pick a quarrel with his toe, And lay him fairly by the heels, As he himlelf laid down the /eals ; Unlefs to all he made it plain, That he would take them up agaia ; Az | Wherevet «4 -' RODONDO, or ‘Whenever R—y—I G——e fhould own | That he was fit to guide alone And humbly begg’d that he wou'd ftoop, " To prop a falling M—ch up. So, left the very thinking few, Shou’d think it odd that he withdrew” _ His neck and gizzard from the fnare, Leaving us deep in debt and war; - He fwore we ow’d it to the Scots, And roundly fell a hatching Plots OF deep defign to ruin B—te ; That done, himfelf were abfolute. As for the K—g, he’d ferve and love him, Provifo he might reign above him 5 Which fcheme all feuds muft reconcile, Like Trincolo’s in defart ifle. How Bridlegoofe became his friend, Their ancient hatred at an end; How brother Tididol affifted ; How Sacro Gorgon they enlifted ; How Cacofogo, fplay-foot hero, Came to their aid with fword and fpear-o 5 And hew he fought while Gorgon wrote ; Aud what they fought, and what they got, Soy, mufe: But foft; I muft invoke her; To rob her of that due wou’d fhock her, You,Tue STATE JUGGLERS. 5. You, who fome thoufand years ago Had many favours to beftow; Who in your youthful days were common To many a Greek, and many a Roman, From Homer down to Apuleius, But feldomer of late came nigh us: Yet even we of modern race, May fometimes boaft of your embrace, For Samuel Butler ftakes his word, You liv’d with him at bed and board: You, by the lively dean imprefs’t, Became the dame of many a jeft. Your love for Arbuthnot is known; But that is not fo fafe to own; What lady wou’d confefs a paflion, For any of bis Jow/y nation ? How cou’d the mufe a Scot endure? The rich North Briton calls them poor ! The wife North Briton marks them fools, And Fa@tion’s Flackiey ftamps them tools. Great Ch——11 {wears they’re dull and ftale, His paunch replete with beef and ale; And nodding o’er the twentieth pot, Hiccups and belches, ‘€ d—n a Scot. * How can the regues pretend to fenfe ? ¢ Their pound is only twenty pence !”” Now, mufe, if after all that’s faid You love’’em ; be it on your head. A3 Bor6 RO'DONDO, jor But never blufh to. own your. yielding To Garth, and fince to Harry Fielding, And others who, at Iegp and trial, Affirm you gave them no denial. You porter drinking Ch——Il wooes, With tropes and figures from the ftews 5 And to incliae you to his paffion, Of tankard’s bottom makes libation : But you to all his vows averfe, Turn on his muddinefs your 3 Which he adores with much devotion, And kiffes,. And hence it follows his North Briton And Goff, are only fit to th—t on. O grant me, laughter-loving dame, I think Thalia is thy name, The boon which humbly I implore, _ To kifs thy hand, and parts before, And I relinquifh thofe behind, To fuch as are of Ch——II’s mind. when you make a motjon. - Now fhou’d we to the fubje& rufh : Good wine they tell us, needs no buhh ; And wits, indeed, in days of yore Ran it (in jockey phrafe) off {core. “They knew before hand what came next, And ftuck like preachers to a text ; : ButTue STATE JUGGLERS, 7 But we, in all things fons of Freedom, Admire their rules, but never heed ’em. What man of fpirit would be.bound, To plod like ftray in manor pound ? No, rather like a dog in fnow, That piffes high and piffes low 3 . Or friendly falconers, we fly | At all, and now we touch the fky, And now we dive, and now we flutter, And now we lifp, and now we ftutter, And fometimes walk, and-fometimes creep, And often nod, and oft’ner fleep ; Of which we great example boat, From Triftram Shandy* and the Ghoft : All bail great author of the latter ! Greater than Triftram, becanfe fatter ; Of Pharaoh’s kine thou oppofite, Can’ft make a dinner of a fp’rite ! But who that fees thee wou’d divine, That thou upon a ghoft muft dine? Yet it is meet thou fhou’d’ft be fed, Becaufe a parfon, on the dead. Praife thou the Lord for hot and hot, For beef a Ghott, for beer a Scot ! Reader, “It is proper to afk the anthor of Triftram Shandy pardos for bringing him into fuch company. The performances here mentioned are only alikein irregularity. Inthat alone was the author of the Ghoft able to copy from his originale8 ~-RODONDO, or Reader, have you obferv’d a hack With citt juft got upon his back, Loth to forfake the ftabte-door, ” ” Regardlefs of the fingle {pur : At length, by dint of that and whip, © With fnail‘like pace thro’ gateway creep, The purpos'd road to Hackney fhun, And take the way of Iflington ; Halt at each ftile, turn up each lane? The cockney tugs the reins in vain. Head, hands, and heels in vain he plies; In vain he rides, in vain he flies; »The fober beaft will have his, whim ; No Sunday’s pudding waits for him. Juft fo the feeble modern bard, In great Apollo’s ftable-yard, By help of joffing block gets on .The ancient hack of Helicon: To try his metal on the road, Of neck break dithyrambic ode. To jog along the path of tale ; - Orflumber in the pa/l’rad vale. ‘Fiiro’ fields epiftolary ftray ; To dream a Night or doze a Day. _ The bard futs on poetic face, _ And all impatient for the race He rowls his eyes, and bites his quill ; But furly Pegafus ftands ftill, For tTur STATE JUGGLERS. 9 For Pegafus, ‘to fay the leaft, Is but a head-ftrong refty beat : And when by city bards beftridden, (We can’t in juftice call it ridden), He rears before, and jerks behind ; Or takes what road he has a mind. The poet roofts like fowl or perch, And dares not ufe or {pur or birch : But by the tail and mane holds faft, Yet tumbles in the dirt at laf, But t’other day a mongrel parfon Ventur’d to clap his brawny a—e on The outfide of this fkittith jade, » To rumble thro’ a Rofciad : The parfon then was overtaken, And beer for this bout fav’d his bacon. An ancient proverb fays, God guards Drunkards, and chiefly drunken bards. He rode like champion or bear- warden, From Drury-lane to Covent garden = Charg’d thro’ the players thin and thick, W ith fifty cuff and fingle flick. In hardy buff he march’d the round, One lucklefs eye in ’kerchief bound. For eyes are often black and blue, When parfons will be Bruifers too. Before him Buckhorfe walk’d in ftate, And carry’d on a pole elate, : Great10 -+ RODONDO, or Great Broughton’s fifts, and Broughton’s head: Broughton, of bruifers once the dread ! And fifty different tongues repeat ~ The victor motto, ‘* never beat!” An awful truth in days of yore ; But now, alas! a truth no more! The parfon fmiles, as who fhou'd fay, That every dog will have his day. As emblems of his double fkill, To break a jaw; or wield a quill; .~ —~ Arrang’d upon his dexter fide March’d two fapporters, W——kes and L—yd} A happy pair; endow’d by nature, With matchlefs wit and matchlefs feature. ‘With glance oblique one outward throws His eyes ; one Anchors on his nofe. O W—kes! Muft I repeat thy name, And leave the great, the glorious theme Unfang? No; mufe the lay begin ; Infpire me with his native Gin. The mufe replies, * Another time © Shall furnith Gin, hall farnith rhime, © For grain-defcended W—kes, but now © Go on with Ch—Il and the fhow.” Pleas'd I fubmit. Who can refufe Paffive obedience to his mufe ! His left was guarded by a pair Of rivals in gymnaftic war.Tue STATE JUGGLERS, BS 4 Ye meaner worthies of the knuckle, To Maggs, and to the Nailer truckle ! -And chiefly, by whatever name You ftand in Tott’aham’s rolls of fame, Whether the Cyclops pleafe you moft 5 Or plainer Stevenfon you boaft : Whether on high, like Phaeton, You urge the foaming courfers on; Or humbler guard the chariot wheel, Protector of the common-weal, When B——e (for fure the tale is truc) Din’d with our mayor, back’d by you; Ah fhun thofe feconds of our bard, If you your only cye regard! The trembling crowd at diftance ftare, To fee them poize their filts in air ; And pointing to the brawny feer, Cry, “¢ Damn your day-lights, look ye here!” A poet of Milcfian breed, , Led by the rein the bounding fteed ; He too, like parfon Ch——ll, had Occafion for a double trade: He wrought is bricks, and wrote a play, Which hardeft would be hard to fay. The mighty Befs whom Europe dreaded, Firft box’d the earl, and then beheaded ; But Irith bricklayer_more erucl, Murder’d poor Effex with his trowel !— * Behind,12 : RODONDO, or Behind, and bearing up the pall, “Id eft, his robes pontifical, Came he who carried Fanny’s farce on, A clerk, now fitted with a parfon. “He fwore t'would be a noble match, To join his Scribble to her Scratch 5 And gave his principal a hint, To put the Manulcratch in print : For zounds! quoth he, what mighty feats Wou'd fuch a pair. perform in Sheets The-crowd was tickled with the notion, And W—kes and L—yd approv’d the motion : : Maggs and the Nailer too confent ; . What they promote who can prevent? Buckhorfe and Bricklayer give way. Hey for Cock-lane. Huzza! buzza!— Our parfon faw it was in vain, To thwart the humour of his train: And tho’ he did not greatly chufe Alliance with a fuccubus, As being by his trade a foe, Fo all the hierarchy below; Yet rather than be thought to flinch, He’d venture on th’ infernal wench; The rather ftill as parfons may Procure a dinner, any way. Towards the city then he rode ; But halted at the Robin Hood ; ” Cry’Tur STATE JUGGLERS. 13 * Cry’d, «¢ d—n my eyes and limbs, but here : Pil have a double pot of beer ! ‘Here, mighty Henley, type of me, ‘ Gave leGures of true orat’ry. ¢ Here firft he publifh’d to the nation ‘ His own, and my divine legation. © Here left to me his parts and flock ¢ © And here to me had left his cloak ; ¢ But he had none! That gown, behold, © So torn, fo rufty, and fo old ! © That caffock fee, of nut-browm hue ; ‘ That gown was his, that caffock too! © But here’s the cure of all my woes. ¢ Sorrow is dry.—Come W—kes,—here goes.” So drain’d the pitcher to the dregs, ‘€ Well pull’d, confound my limbs,” quoth Maggs. W—kes fquinted with tremendous leer, And fwore he would not guzzle beer ; But added, with a horrid grin, Vil pledge you o’er and o’er in gin. Then afk’d the parfon to alight : He did, got drunk, and wrote bis Night, _ Which this important truth contains That drinking never hurts his brains; There is a folid reafon for’t. The parfon has no brains to hurt. Admire in him great Nature’s Art !— She to the purpofe fits the Part ; : B And14 RODONDO, on And therefore that his noddle fhou’d Refift all battery of wood, She, in her heav’nly prefcience, Endow’d him with a feven-fold fencé. The weighty Ajax heretofore A feven-fold thield in battle wore ; But he, more weighty and more dull, Relies upon a feven-fold tkull. How he again the fteed beftrode, And from Cock-lane with Fanny rod ; How the old palfrey took to tripping, And he to fwearing, {purring, whipping : How hat and wig to boot he loft, And bruis’d his hin againft a poft, Which made him wifh he had been booted ; How thofe that once huzza’d him hooted ; How, after many ftrange vagaries He reach’d the ho/e, yclep’d Black Mary’s ; "How palfrey plung’d, and parfon fell, Inta the vault at Clerkenwell ; How there he rol!’d and fprawl’d about, And ftrove , but never could get out, Another canto muf difplay, . For now Rodondo claims the lay. we Rodondo, while as yet but young, ‘Was neted for a flippant tongue ; HadTut STATE JUGGLERS. ;, Hid honefty,———enough to fwear by. ' Hi vote no minifter cou’d e’er buy. He thought there was a furer way, To make his fortune than an Ayes In oppolition fierce as Tartar, He never gave Bob Booty quarter. And thus it grew. Tho now he {corn it, Rodondo once was but a cornet 3 And Bob fagacioufly obferving, That people are not fond of ftarving, Believ’d the way to ftop his prating Tongue, was to keep his teeth from eating. But have yeu ever known a hound, Or pointer, to the manger bound, With howling deafen half the ftreet , And to filence him ftarv’d and beat— And did this method e’er fucceed, . With any cur of noble breed ? ; No, towzer’s howling grows the ftronger, ‘ The more he’s beat, or pinch’d with hunger. An empty belly grumbles moft ; Which Bob experienc’d to his coft. For after haviag done his worft, Rodondo grew more crofs and curft: And never ceas’d to bite and fnarl, Till Bob was outed and an earl. He rais’d the nation’s apprehenfions, With court, corruption, places, penfionse : Ba 1s Words % io18 RODONDO, o2 ° Words which, when well difleéted, mean That I am ont, and ye are ins But which, when properly repeated, In every queftion that’s debated, Can ope a thoufand mouths at once; And make a hero of a dunce. Your 1F is good at making peace, Rodondo went to war with the/e. He knew that arguing and reas’ning, Is like a poach’d egg without feas'niog 5 And therefore that the fureft ground, Was [corning fenle, to fick to found ; For found well manag’d never tires, While fenfe difgufts our country "{quires. Obferving this, he ftudy’d phrafes, To pop out in important cafes = On all occafions he purloin’d ’em ; And when he could not fteal, he coin’d ’em. Thus Downright (Bobadil can tell ye), Had ne’er a good one in his belly : Cudgell he might, if anger move him, Bot Baflinado was above him. From that Rodondo took the hint,. And ftampt new verbage in his mint. The valgar faid equality ; : But he parallelality !— So long, fo liquid, and {9 fine: It almoft helps me out a line.Tue STATE JUGGLERS. 17 Guilt is a word that looks fo grim, ‘Twas criminality with him. Nay, even from the Scots our foes He borrow’d, to prolong his profe. He kick’d old Englith fairly out, And took dubiety for doubt. Thus, while from common fenfe he wander’d, He brought the language to a ftandard : And who the devil cou’d withftand Phrafes of fo much good command ? Like Punchinell he huff’d and vapour’d. While meaner puppets {queak’d and caper’d. He did not value money. They Can never want, who never pay !— He had a nobler paffion: fame. No matter how, or whence it came. He’d fave his country if he con’d; But, d—n it ! e’er another fhou’d. I know not how it came in’s noddle, To take lord Peter for his model ; And, what the moft of all furprizes, Ontdid him at his own devices. Lord Peter only damo’d his foul, Who doubted bread was fih and fowl! : But he, without the aid of heaven, Cou'd preve both fides of problem given: - Bg *18 RODONDO, or As thus; he quarrell’d with a farm, Aud thought it did the Manor harm, He call'd it by rhetoric figure A mill-ftone, tho’ ’twas rather bigger, Which ty’d around old England’s neck, Wou'd make the ifle a perfect wreck. The c———ns thought him in the right; The nation grozn’d, and felt the weight But when Dame Bridlegoofe gave way, And great Rodondo came in play, His mouth in different ftrain he opes, New times will ever breed new tropes. The mill-ftone now becomes a feather ! To Jighten us in ftormy weather. So fabled fatyr cou’d of old, From the fame mouth blow hot and eold; But Satyr met with little praife; Tis plain he liv’d not in our days. 7 «¢ A feather, Sir? ’tis paffing ftrange ! * But things, [ own, are apt to change. * Good lack ! who cou’d have thought it now ! © A perfedt eider-down, I vow ! © Vil tell you ftranger ftill.” O la! «¢ That feather won America.” — « Nay, fare you jet!” "fblood Sir, ‘tis true t * Tyield. Who knows fo well as you?” Now all fubmitted to his fway, And Jehu-like, he drove away, TallTue STATE JUGGLERS. 1 Talk to him of the nation’s debt, « He {wore it was a trifle yet— ‘A hundred millions !—Bagatelle ‘ A hundred more were pretty well. ‘ Add but a hundred more to thefe, * And then——-we’ll talk of making peace. ‘ The citizens are all our friends; ‘ Thirty per cent, to him who lends. * There’s B—f—d,—and Sir, Sir, Sir J ——s, ‘ Confound their vulgar city names ; ¢ But fure the m rand r——d—r, ¢ Can keep the rabb/e-reut in erder. « Tho’ do ’em juftice they’re content, « Provided that enough be fpent. € Give but a merchant prefent profit, He takes, and thinks no farther of it. They’re but your foo/s of Jands and manors ; « « Your Jerds, your wor/hips, and your honours, ‘ Who fancy that the nation’s guide « Shou’d for pofterity provide: But I defpife all fuch, God knows I have no dirty lands to lofe. « And then oeconomy’s fo vile.—— a ¢ Four paultry millions won Belleifles © By which émportant conqueft, we « Have got the Sardine fifhery. « The German war is now my own 3 ¢ I warrant you I craz it down. , ¢ Out- 320 RODONDO, cor «Our great commander Ferdinando, «© Has thown us what our money can do. Is it not great to have a bridge Of filver, with a golden edge? And then he kills our men fo finely, I {wear our Gazettes read divinely. What tell you me of Britifh blood ? I buy it juft as cheap as mud. We have the gallon fora pounds - That is, while sexey can be found. Then there’s the Afurs of proteftants: Our guineas muft fupply bis wants. a AR KR RR Rw It has been Britain’s cuftom ftill, In every houfe to pay the bil! ; And fhou’d I break the good old fathion. *Twou’d hurt sy credit with the nation; a The money’s none of mine, and fo a I care not how, nor where it go. New impofts I muft now contrive, To make our manufactures thrive. For taxes, all the world can tell, Enable us—to underfell ; - And every mortal underftands, a“ a . That war produces—many hands. The fcoucdrels have no need to faft, We've ufe for them before the maft : * Our conquefts muft be far extended ; © The more, the eafier defended.Tue STATE JUGGLERS, ar A fcatter’d empire is the frengef ; ‘ Huzza for him that holds out Joagefe ‘What tho’ we /ufer in the procef, ‘ The end will folder up all lofle.— ‘ They fay indeed, one moft net ftretch € An arm beyond its proper reach : « Bat he who fays fo is a flave, , ¢ A jacobite, a beaft, a knave, “ Whofo but whifpers fuch a thing, ¢ Would fell his country and his k—3 © I prove it thus: What rogues but fuch © Wou'd ever dare to fay fo much ?” With thefe conceits Rodondo ftuff’d, For fometime ftrutted, {wore, aad buff’d. ‘The c——ns trembled at his nod, And money lavihhly beftow’d. The city farnith’d cafh in plenty ¢ She gain’d four millions eut of twenty ; And for the fpoil the bulls ad bears Oft went together by the ears. Thus having all at his command, He pufh’d the war by fea and land; -Striking at ev’ry thing hap-bazard ; But oft miftaking Hawke for Buzzard. He fent us to the coait of France, Merely to fhow his vigilance !— And ’tis a pity that. Belleifle Did not furrender in April.a2 RODONDO, or The Britons bled for him alone ; They had their pay, he the renown. Hawke and Bofcawen fwell’d his pride, And Wolfe for great Rodondo dy’d !— To all men’s merit he laid claim ; . B—te, Bridlegoofe, ’twas all the fame Quoth Bridlegoofe ‘* The plan I laid Of conquering Canada.” ‘ That head (Cries he) * is not fo wife as grey; “ Good Bridlegoofe ! go home, and lay * Your eggs; but know that he alone « Contrives the plan who drives it on.” Next B—te pretends to Martinico. “ You, cries Rodondo? You !—A fice /—= © *Twere very pretty if a Scot £ Shou’d take the credit of my plot, — © Not he who executes is wife, * But he whe plans an enterprize.” Thus in old Afop’s apologues, The cook was bit by brace of rogues: But had he known Rodondo’s knack, He'd giv’n them their Dilemma back; And fo, for joint thus ftoln away, Had made them for a couple pay. But why fhou’d I attempt to tell How long he govern’d, and how wel/ ? ‘Till c——I, tir’d of his dominion, Prefum'd to differ in opinion, AboutTue STATE JUGGLERS 33 About feme trifling poor affair, No greater than a Spanifh war ! But fuch an infult ! Who cou’d bear it, That had a fingle grain of fpirit ? To all our porters it is known, That Britain moft be rul’d by one. The c—ll—rs are but 4is minions, And who e’er thought of their opinions ? The fecretary is the thing. Who minds the c—I or the k—g? But they were of another miad, And he in confequence refign’d /— Indeed the folks of thallow fenfe, Thought this was only mere pretence, Imagining he apprebended A reck’ning when the game was ended. And fo he feiz’d it when he faw, A fair occafion to withdraw. As politicians can’t endure, Of Rabelais, the Quart de Heure*. Bat thefe were thallow fools indeed : Cou’d great Rodondo ever need Apology _* The Qnart de Henre de Rabelais, in France, is the time of paying the bill; Rabelais was always merry in com: "pany till that arrived; bat the notion of paying made an im- predion on his fpirits, which | a fall quarter of an bonr icarcely diffipated. From him it has gone into a proverb, which our countryman feems to have had in view when he wrote. . . The dreadful reck’ning comes ; men {mile no more \4 §. RODONDO, og Apology or vindication With a protected, grateful nation ? Pafs we his love for lady E—r; His tears he fhed to | m—r; How he his cattle advertis’d, That all the world might be advis’d Not only of his fall, but thrift : It was a fair and honeft fhift. He formerly had known its ufe ; When he fell out with Bridlegoofe. And we the fame wou’d recommend On like occafion to a friend. ‘We pafs his letter to the knight So medeft, pithy ; fo polite. A {mall but precious piece it is, And ftampt indelibly for Ais ; And lateft ages muft deplore That writing it; he wrote no more ! All thefe we pafs; but can’t difpenfe, ‘To mark the ways of providence, No fooner was Rodondo out, ‘Than thofe that crofe’d him tak’d about. Tis true on better grounds they went, But he was right—by the event— Becaule intuitively knowing Whatever at Madrid was doing, He thought a timely blow well laid, Wou'd knock their projects all o’the head, : SinceTus STATE JUGGLERS. 25 Since when a nation goes to war, ?Tis weak to bid the foe take care. Yet all his wrongs he fet afide, And tho” he would no longer guide In body 5 ftill his mighty foul Rode in the ftorm,—and rul'd the whole! His bare idea was our /helter, And drove the Spaniards helter fkelter. His fpiric march’d our troops before 0, Infpir’d by him, they ftorm’d the Moro ! For what con’d B—te or A: Je, Unlefs he undertook the quarrel ? Mark now of providence the ways. His was the work, and bis the prai/e. Env of Canrol RODONDO;RODON D O:; OR THE STATE JUGGLERS. PERLE EEEEEOEESOOEO FOCEHET SEE SEETEEEE CANTO I. RESIGNATION. AIL, Refignation, peerlefs dame ! Thou hhorteft, fureft road to fame! Tho’ not the ruflet-mantled maid*, That mufes in the woodland-thade, With fober eye and brow unbene, ~ A younger fifter to content ; Who like a fading meteor hung Upon the fault’ring lips of Young : But coy and courtly Refignation, Who by retiring mends her ftation! She, dread of weaknefs, {corn of fenfe, Half sreafon, half impertinence, Draws her defcent from nobler race ; For what ennobles all men? place. And fure what dignifies the taker, Muft do much more to the forfaker— © An intelligent reader will be apt to guefs, that we mean. here the virtue called Refignation, a very paffive fort of fonage. renee BardsTus STATE JUGGLERS. 29 Bards fing, that tir’d with eivé/ wars, . Faction devolv’d on her his cares; Of all his /oves the deareft pledge, Fools call her mother privilege ; But genealogifts agree, That Licence was the happy fhe. With lovely /iberty old Faétion - ‘Wou’d very fain have been in action, - And praétis’d all bis arts to woo her ; - Not from defire, but to undo her. With ev’ry grace and virtue deck’d, Fair Liberty had one defect ; Too honeft to be wife, her heart-— ‘Was not enough aware of art 5 She took all thofe for real friends That follow her for private ends. On this, and fome {mall itch for flattery, The hoary letcher rais’d his battery ; ' And prefs’d the fiege with fuch addrefs, As wanted little of fuccefs ; Yet fail’d at length impolitic-ly, By throwing off the mafk too quickly: On which the traitor had recourfe To the laft plea of lovers, force. But in the very way which you know Jove baulk’d Ixion’s fport with Juno, He fairly got the guid pro quo, In manner as we mean to fhow, Ca ‘Therejo RODONDO, or Who wou'd forfake a lord o’the land, | To take his butcher by the hand ; And, praétis’d in the arts ‘of pleafing, + Difcharg’d his tradefmen’s bills by /queezing ? To whom, as own’d by the North-Briton*, Our m—chs owe the t—e they fit on? A truth which Europe mutt confefs ; Since ’tis impoflible that /e/s Cou’d ever tempt a k—g to fuffer This hubble-bubble candle-fuuffer. On him the had a mind to fhow, How far abfferfive art wou'd go; And thus the noble d—ke accofted, With years and dirty work exhaufted. «« My lord, I thou’d be moft ungrateful, * (A crime to noble natures hateful), © If, when conjectures run fo nice, © | fail’d to offer my advice: © You know my talent, and in fhort © Have often been the detter for’t. € My lord, you drivel, tho’ in truth “€ You have but drivel’d from your youth : © Yet that is not the worft ; your fame 4 Is blafted with an uglier name. * The admirers of this intrepid afpirer to the pillory, will not fail to recollect an affertion, which clofes one of his lateft effufions; bnt which we do not think it very fafe to repeat in profe, not being emulous of that honour. « TheyTos STATE JUGGLERS. 3r ‘ They fay—(yocr |—d—p mutt excafe ‘ The terms I am oblig’d to nfe.) * They fay your g—ce is like 3 m/z, ‘ AmeiGExovS® of kuave and fool : ‘ In whom the natures fo are blended, ‘ That one by t’other’s ne’er tranfcended. ¢ Yet from thefe perfet counterpoizes, © This benefit to you arifes ; ¢ That when we fret at keavifh half, ¢ The other turns it to a—/exgh ; © And no man deartily detefts ¢ The argument of all men’s jes > * Which I prefume, may be the caufe © Of your e/eaping penal laws. © This, while it lafts, is mighty clever ; ¢ But folly cannot pleafe for ever. © When you are laid in grave, and rotten, * Your merry parts will be forgotten, ¢ And thofe which fome the wi/er think, « To all pofterity muft flink.. * Now wou’d you this difgrace efchew ?— © You wou’d.—Why then I'll tell you sow.— * Refign your places. What, you ftart |— « Nay keep ’em ftill.— With all my heart. * The author offers compliment to the critics, and makes them a prefent ef this word, with full power to ufe ir, or abufe it at their pleafare. * Do,32 RODONDO, or a Do, croak and obb/e, cringe and flatter, « A year or two is no great matter; And therefore it fhou’d be empley’d, a To get the mob upon your fide. You've liv’d enough for towns and counties. a They all have tafted of your bounties. — Now, having but an hour to fpare, a Beftow it on your character. © Thave an excellent co/metic, The fov'reign white wafh ball politie s Of which a fingle application, € Will {cour the foule/? reputation. © Cold-cream, pig-water, gloves of chick, For maids whofe {kin is coarfe and thick, Are poor to fuds of oppo/ition, "At clear-ftarcling a politician. a. « « This lather (for it is no paint) Can turn a Devil to a faint: If you its eficacy doubt, You need but caft your eyes about. a Obferve its virtue on the brothers, « a T—ple and P—tt; and many others, Whole names for good were never known, | « But now the idols of the town And country teo. Then for the cof Fi *Tis but a trifle. Quit your po/t. « Refign, | think ’tis very plaing © You ne’er will be employ’d again ; a a 4 © ForTur STATE JUGGLERS 33 ¢ For that wou’d,fpoil the whole affair, * And bring us juft to where we were.” She {poke ; he yielded to convidtion, And found the truth of her prediétion. Bot what is moft to be admir'd, Without a penfox he retir’d/ . Which fome attribute to a quale, Arifing from a {peck i’the palm, That ever yawning Gulph of Cah, Which baffled Refignation’s wath. Tho’ flyer politicians hint, He had another motive in’t. To throw a flur by implication Upon Rodondo’s reputation®, But leaving tat, a point to fettle, By heads than ours of weightier metal, The mufe returns with {peed aerial, To our Buck-wafher minifterial. Soon as the tidings flew abroad, How he, once b/oated like a toad, So dapper and fo fair was grown, And flender as a L--ttl-.t—-n 5 * The contraft of thefe great perfonages is in nothing more remarkable than in their ftyle of retiring; they feem both to have made their exit ina {tate of repentance. The one repented he had fuken too mach, and the other that he had taken too little, each made the beft atonement in his power. The34 RODONDO, or The pack of courtiers were in motion, “And ran in crowds to buy the /otion ; The veriett whifflers now grew touchy ; From park, from bed. chamber, and duchy. They flew; as Afh—nh—m and D-pl-n, And R-k-gh-m, names hard to couple in Metre; cou’d nature e’er propofe Such founds for any thing but profe ? But bards are bound to fhun non nomer, By /aw and precedent from Homer ; And therefore we our /ki// muft try, On their inflexibility = Tho’ when the mufe a name beftows, She pays fuch people all the owes. Yet ove remains; almoft as fit A theme for poetry as P—tt ! A kite it is of region higher —— The mighty d—ke of D——re! O were my mufe a mufe of faftin / My quill a peacock’s! language Jatin? My Pegafus, the Hippogriffon, Which brave Aftolpus fat fo ftiff on ! My brain, a /imbec to diftil Of high Parnaffus every rill! My voice, the trump of fame, to blow Both from adeve, and from below ; —— Then fhould I mount ! then fhould I climb The very weather-cock of Rhime ! AndTue STATE JUGGLERS, 35 And fing with Sacrogorgon’s fre, The mighty duke of D: re! But fince the/é pretty things I lack, I muft e’en keep the beaten track, And tell my tale without recourfe To latin, limbec, trump, or horfe. The fimple duke laid down his rod. The fimple duke became a god / _ And wifely thought his dread command, Wou'd make it bud like Aaron’s wand : Or that when thrown upon the floor, *Twou’d grow a /erpent to devour ! Tis Mill a fick of harmlels wood, And very properly beftew’d.— Thus, in a game at cards, we fee The knaves ftand up for Liberty, Attempt to lead the venial pack, -And fling the M—ch on his back : But k—gs for knaves are ftill too hard. The k—g muft be the /eading card, We left Rodondo crown’d with laurels, Won by your B—es and Alb—rles; Yet deep in defp’rate dudgeon fretting ; My lady Ch—h—m near him, knitting. His head, feet, bum, reclin’d on down ; He thus broke Silence with a frown. ; ~ « Shall36 RODONDO, on «¢ Shall J Great Britain’s great apoff/e, ¢ Submit to B—e without a buftle ? ¢ Shall J, like cur, be fed with fops? © Shall paultry penfions thut my chops; -And fhan’t J dart my rhet’ric at him, © Becaufe my dame is lady Ch—h—m? © Shall J both p/ace and power forego ?— * Confound me, madam, if I do.— £ -Curfe on the'vanity of women ! © Tis that a/gze makes faves of freemen! ‘ That fingle vice betray’d old Eve, «© If we the hiftory believe ; © And I cou’d almoft lay a bett, « Her apple was a coronet*— © I with you had your bawd/e, where © Corifca had the porringer— © The laddle I fuppofe you mean? © No matter, fo it were but in. © It might for ever there remain, “¢ Ever I fhou’d wi/P it out again. * He who is guided by his {poufe, « Muft fhut his mouth in every bou/e; © I was before this damn’d difafter, « At leaft in that of C—s maffer : © The conjectures of the learned as to the particular f{pqcies of this unlucky fruit have been fo various, that I fee no reafon why our hero may not be,indulged in bis. Quis enim vetatur in re tam antique bariolirie « ButThr STATE JUGGLERS. 37 But now forfooth, I muft be dumwé, © As well in /exate, as at home. € And mutely mourn the lofs of my © Dumfoundificability. “ Hold (fays my /ady), not fo hot !— Referve thofe hard names for the Scot: « « But treat your wife’ with more civility, « And none of your confoundrability +. * Go fwagger fomewhere elfe; for here * You muft not think to domineer, € What ! Shall your words of half an ell, Which rumble like a witches {pell, However in the heu/e they take, E’er make my /ady Ch—h—m quake? Lord! What, are all their heads made of, © To mind your rumbumbellow Ruff ?— « . a With me, it’ paffes jatt for wind, Which might have iffued from dchind. © You are, my dearef?, one of thofe, Who take their peper in the nofe : © Hence eruftations, flatulencies, * And all the peevifh, wayward fancies, ¢ Which are in fickly ftomachs bred, * And very apt to hurt the bead. + I hope the candid and indulg:nt reader will excufe a Tady’s mitappreheniion of this word. s D ¢ From38 , RODONDO, OR ¢ From fuch no medicine relieves, a So quickly as carminatives. a Eat carroways and cardamum, * To poft your humours by the bum : ¢ And fo may all your sumours pafs— a Now give me leave to ftate the cafe.— You rail at mother Eve and me, D And prate of woman’s vanity : « But, was it vanity of mine, That fore’d your worfhip to refign ? . * No, no, my dear, *twas your own pride, — « a a Becaufe a/oné you cou'd not guide, a That made you, like a filly zovice, Throw up a profitable ofice.— But. when the greater game is gone, Who overlooks the after one ? « When you went out, ’twas furely beit, To think of feathering the 2e/?. © I know your eloquence is great 5 . a“ a a a But can we dine on a debate ? a Or have you ever learnt the fkill, With words to pay the butcher’s bill ? Will any of your wife prefages Pay children’s board, or fervants wages? ———~ ” You know, I fcorn my heart to fix « On lolling in a coach and fix. © Four went at once; you advertis’d them, © Did I complain? No, I defpis’d them.—— * AndTras STATE JUGGLERS. ‘ And yet a ingle pair looks odd, * Confidering what the k—g beftow’d; | ‘For you the pen/fion fill forget, “In railing at the coronet. “Tama P—fe, very true; * Bat who enjoys the penfion ? Yoo * Be wife, and peaceably enjoy it, ‘ Nor try again to breed a riot. * Refle& that you are growing old, © Gouty, and fubje&t to catch colds © Your juggling alle is fulpedted, " @ And may be publicly deteded : ‘ For who wou’d with a merrier fight, ‘ Than of a flaznel-bolfter'd wight, © On fixteen porters thoulders borne, 6 While round him cinder-wenches mourn? © He cried, "tis too much, my friends, 6 For me! How fhall I muke amends ?—_— £ OF that, indeed, his friends take care, § Each has two guineas for his fare, * The devil give them good, I fay, § Whofe money is beftow’d that way. ‘ No powder in his wig ; his face * Screw’d to a tragedy grimace; * And while he, O my country / cries, . ‘ Claps me an onion to his eyes : ‘ Or if he genuinely grieves, ‘It is becaufe his country thrives. . Da 39 ol40 RODONDO, or * In other hands, and put on diet, * To heal the wounds of war and riot: « The very doorekeepers it touches, aes © To fee him tottering on crutches. « In them a double virtue lies ; « They raife compafion,—and a noife. * He takes his feat with fuch fracas, © That every heart is ftruck with awes: * As greateft patriot, pafling doubt, “ Is he who makes the greateft rout, ‘ The groundlings cry, a/as / poor man! © How ill be is! Hew pale! How wan! © Yet fuch bis love of us and stRiFE, * He'd rather run the rifque of life, © Than leave the BLEEDING LAND a prey * To B—tE, Peace, and onconomy! © He figis and groans while others fpeak, As if his very 4east wou'd break ; © At length he tries to rife ; a bum © OF Approbation fills the room. © He bows, and tries again ; but, no, © He finds that flanding will not do; © And therefore to complete the farce, © The 4—e cries, hear him on his a—fel— * He bows again, and then commences, © To broach his i//-drawn inferences 5 ‘ Talks incohereutly of peace, © And inadmifibilities— _¢ MakesTuz STATE JUGGLERS. at ‘ Makes ufe of none but polyfyllables, ‘ Which he in {peaking deems infallibles ; 4 For, as the /onge/ {cimitar, € Still gets the victory in war 5 . « In politics the fame is feen, . ¢ The /onge/ words are fure to win. © They pick for defp’rate enterprize, * Both men and terms of portly fize 5 « And fure his prowefs moft appears © In both, who has moft grenadiers. ¢ What tho’ in forming they are found, © To take up too much time and ground ; * Yet as our great commander makes Advantage of his own miftakes ; So fkilful Orator may draw Important fervice from a flaw. aw He may break off, by grief o’ercome; And grow pathetically dumb ! As if he thus the houfe addrefe’d, Alas! I cannot fpeak the reft !— This raifes pity, makes a paufe, « And gives an op’ning for applaufe + He next may /woon and thut his eyes ; A cordial! elfe the patriot dies !— The cordial comes, he takes it of. - He lives, he fives! I hear him cough £ © Now he recovers; and, with meekne/s, © Apologizes for his weaknefs, D3 ‘Hehm oBle . ” ie MF ROD OND OF oh HeSsnet ud to be thus weo'd : ; But for bis country ! fo BELov’b! | ¢ His suegpinc country ! who can Ber, To think of ending fuch awar ? ‘ ‘Thus paufe, fiwoon, cordial, all combine, ' To forward patriet’s defign. As for the dram, even Garrick lacks A glafs of brandy between atts ; © And all comedians extoll The frequent ufe of a/cahol. But wherefore thou’d I quot a player ? The mighty B: d our 1—d m——=r, Of deareft life, the deareft chum, Is ne’er without a flatk of rum ; If you fhou’d ever be in trim Of patriot ; apply to him; ‘ : Tho’ fain I'd hope that you'll grow wife, And ftay at home as I advife. a a a a a Ce ee ee Nor fret your guts to fiddle-ftrings, With leading mobs, and vexing k—gs, Meerly to be admir’d by fellows « With greazy aprons in an alehoufe ; While all the wi/e/? and the bef, * Make of your musmmery a jeft.”” 4 Thus fpoke my /ady againft fpeeches ; And one wou’d think fhe wore the breeches, Elfewy a Tar STATE JUGGLERS. 4 Elfe fhe bad pever dar’d to prate wo So freely of affairs of ftate. Bot that from fequel we deny, Becaufe he deign’d her no reply e But foon as e’er the /arnm ftopp'd, Got up, and to the bell-ftring hopp’d = Rang footman up.——“ Your honoor call ?” “ Yes.—Send John here,—and faddle Ball.” John enters, ‘“‘ Joho get ready, go— * Fetch me—the mortgage upon St—we.” “ The mortgage, Sir ? An’t pleafe your honour, © [know of none upon the manor 1?— ** Confound the rafcal’s jobsernol /— « [ mean,—my brother, —Tididol,— «A thick fkull’d varlet not to fee * My beautiful Metonymy®* !— © | find I muft this clodpate teach, © To underftand my grace of fpeech ; € That all the clever things I fay, * On him may not be thrown away. © John, /ages think that maflers fhou’d « Be by their fervants underftood ; © And truly they are often fo, © Among the vu/gar and the /ow, * Some may be puzzled to difcover how the catachreftical paripbrafe comes to be called a Metonymy—we refer them to the critics. ¢ Who* ' La . ” 44 zRoDONDE, on : _# Who are inJpeech no farther taught, Than bluntly to exprefs a thought : But men of my fuperior fenfe, « a Don’t call fuch prattle e/oguence,— We have authority divine, a Not to beftow our pear/s on fwines And this the richeft.pear/ of heaven, To men is very rarely given ; a Since, fo far as my knowledge reaches, Of orators, debates, and /peeches ; But three have e’er enjoy'd it fully, Myfelf, Demofthenes, and Tully. ¢ John, That Demofthenes cou’d /peak / So learn’d !—he always gabbled Greek !— naa © And fo cou’d I upon ockafion, « If talking Greek were now the fafhion. « Your Tully all in Latin {poke ; a But then he wou’d fo pus and joke ! And yet I doubt thefe Greeks and Romans Wou’d not be heard in houfe of c—— us ; Becaufe where J am {0 applauded, Such fe//ows muft be little lauded. But to return from this digreffion, Leaving profeffors for profefion ; *Tis eloguence, which, with a {mall caft Of /ogic, in the way of ballaft, Cr « Compeles rhetoric ;—a fcience, “ At which J bid the devi/ defiance ! « WillTurk STATE JUGGLERS 45 * With shis, and lufty pair of be/lows, ‘Tmaul your minifferial fellows ; ‘Can turn the nation upfide down, ‘ And at my p/ea/ure thake the t—ne ; For this I'm courted,—owt or ia ;— And lofe who lifts I’m fure to wiz, ‘ With shis, I thow to demonflratien, _ © That debts and taxes—/ave the nation; ‘ Fhat when we fpend the money fa/t, It mutt of cour/e the /onger lat ; That fpilling oceans of our b/ood, Mutt do the conflitution good !— With this, I prove Marafmus, health! War, poverty, and famine, wealth !— Nay, Joho, ne’er flare, and thake your pate, a eRe RR a I guefs what you wou’d intimate, ——= You think, while 1 its powers impart, « I ofe a figure of my art? ’Tis true, to prove what he alledges, a The art no orator obliges ; © Yea more, the dnack of fbbing well, a In rbet'ric has no parallel 5 And if that privilege you lop, a « We orators might fhut up fhop. But John, Of art, which often does me harm. I here muft ufe a term a a Diflinguifh orator declaiming, © From Aim, when to inftrud you aiming: « And* RODONDO, on ’ € And inthis recapitulation “€ LT meant infirulfion ; not perfuafion; ~ « But when I fet me to perfuade, © I can do every thing I faid !— © Ay and much more.—You afk me how? © For that a fimile will do. - © And a. propos, to pearls and /wine, «'Thear a curfed porker whine. € Look out.” « Jt és the gard*ner’s dog, | + Lugping the ears of’ th? brindl’d bog.” «* Right ; Now come in, and fhut the cafement, « Draw near, and learn to your amazement, © That my all powerful eloquence, © Can bring a fimile from thence !— « That dog, tho” but a gard’ner’s cur, * Suppofe for once an orator :— § That hog, at ear of which dog hangs, —— © An audience lift’ning to harangues.— « But-here our fimife muft halt, © OF fimile’s the conftant fault : © To make it gallop on all four, « The hog fhou’d bang upon the cur, © As all our poets in their fongs, € Make fenates hang on /peakers tongues. © Let others look to that; whilewe — \¢ Take as we find it, fimile, © Firft, dog runs hard, at hog to come, ‘ © Which artifts call exordium.— ¢ PerceivingTue STATE JUGGLERS. 47 « Perceiving this, if hog is wife, * He from the dunghill ftarts,—and fliew, * Bawls out before the dog comes near him ‘ Which reprefents the hear him ! hear bim /— * While hog in flight precipitate, * Prefigures miniffer of rate, « Whofe conftant courfe it is tovfly For fhelter to majority !— © Now nimbler dog on hog gains ground.— © Hog doubles to efcape from hound; From which,—moft palpably appear The fhuffling tricks of minifter !— « . © Dog over-runt, and miffes prey, Tumbles and howls; from which you may - a Have an idea with precifion, “ Of a minority divifion ! Wing’d with freth {pirits hog flies fafter, Triumphing in poor dogs difafter. He triumphs, and he flies in vain, For dog is at his heels again ! And now witbin his haunch he ftretches, And now at waggling ear he fnatches ;~ . Which feiz’d at length,——down tumbles pig, Thus ends political iatilgue | . And thus from sog' asd dog appears The power of oraters on ears. . And hence perhaps the proverb might grow, OF having by the ear the right fow. « « a a a « a a a « « © Bur,48° “RODONDO, or s But, John, I hope you have ta’en notice, Of what in fimile a blot is ; That tho’ the audience was intended, . a Yet with the mipifter it ended ?—— Now how that is, and why ’tis fo, I in few words proceed to fhow. * Attend, dear John ! there is a quality, © Denominate criticality. A kind of captions, {narling vice, © Which proves men not fo wife as nice. You have obferv’d within a roof, An eager fpider ply his woof; And lurk perdue within the loom, Nor think of all deftroying Breom ; Whet for the caitiff fy his pounches ?— But if ’gainft web a Aornet bounches, Headlong to earth the fpider falls, While hornet marks not as he crawls !— . «a a « a RR RRR Carelefs he wheels in airy rings, And fnakes the cobwebs from his wings. Your literary whipper-in, To this fame fpider is a kin; a ‘For puny infeéts he in wait lies, But dares not meddle with the great flies. And J the monarch of the hive, Standing on my prerogative, . Scorn tafte, cosrectnefs, and propriety ; For novelty and great variety. a « a ‘ThiTue STATE JUGGLERS. 49 * Thus have I given fufficient reafon * To anfwer for a worfe mifprifion, * And yet perhaps, upon the matter, ‘ Ihave another, and a better; ‘Which take im fhort. The nation knows “ My maxim ever was, oppo/e / ‘ And be the migifter who will, © My maxim is—oppofe him ftill s For tho’ to Britain neceflary, Tis good for me that a/I mifcarry : * Excepting ove, I need not name hin; * Envy herfelf would bluth to blame him. * Ido my Jef for all the flock, * To bring them fairly to the block. © And yet I’m not like Lilburne* ; he © Even with him/e/f cou’d not agree: « But I, howe’er I hate the reft, ‘ Am in my/elf completely bleft. © Now this fame Aate with which I barn, © Lugs me them in at every turn; * And be the fubject that, or this, © The m——r ne’er comes amifs. * This is John Lilburne, of whom it was faid, That had be been alone in the world, Lilburne wonld have gone to cuffs with Jobn, and Joho with Lilburne—by ove deyree a greater patriot than our hero. . E * Cato50 RODONDO, or © Cato his fpeeches ftill wou'd end * With a—Carthago eft delend’ !* © But I both fizifh and begin * With railing at the party in. « Tho’ this is wide of my intention ; © And this I only /ightly mention, ‘ That you may judge when merit fies in “ An orator epifodizing.— © Now feeing eloquence produces * Such weighty and important 2/¢s, © 'Tis proper you fhou’d be advis’d, . In what the /cience is compris’d 5 © Why juft in this, in giving up € Plain fenfe and meaning for a trope.— © Then there’s another, call’d a figure.— © But, which the lefs, or which the bigger, « Mott even o the table lie, Till I confule with Farnaby ! .€ Next follow metaphor and fimile, a « .. © And after the/e a num’rous family, “© Made up of others of the fame, © Which I can better ufe than name; * As only bafe mechanic fouls, “ Can tell the names of all their tools. * This Apocope comes luckily enough to our hero's relief, otherwife it is hard to fay what termination he might have beftowed on the word. © Your1 ' Tus STATE JUGGLERS. su © Your metaphor, as ancients held it, _ {Is but a fisile dock’d and gelded ¢ « And fo your fimile’s of courfe, © Are ungelt, long-tail’d metapberod— “1 pam’d another—what was he ?— * At firft ?—pfhaw !—-O—Metonymy ! * He is—but better an example: © You know I call’d my brother T——Ile. : (Pray keep the phrafe in your remembrance, ) © On St—we a mortgage ; or incumbrance, * Now, John, by this I underftand, © A man whofe merit lies in—land, ‘ Io gardens, and a princely feat, ‘ In front, God knows how many feet! ‘ Himfelf, like what we fometimes fee, © A loufe upon embroidery ! | « And truly, John, the time affords © Enow, both commoners and lords, ‘ With whom the figure well may fuit, ‘O! that it would apply to B—te! ‘ When we a noble villa fpy,¢ “It raifes curiofity, ‘ To know the owner’s name.—Alas ! * The lordly owner proves an—als !— ‘ Now, for my brother, John, fuppofe”— « John clapt his his finger on his nofe. © Lunderfland your honour now; © PU bring the mortgage upon St—we \” E23 . Bot52 RODONDO, on But here we mean to halt, and ftay While John perform his Embaffy : A long career wou’d break our wind. Now reader breathe, and look behind. We ule an author’s privilege, To lead you over ditch and hedge, O’er hill and dale, with fancy ftrolling 5° And fometimes dull, and fometimes drolling. But if our laughing vein offend Any, to fuch we recommend The {qualid prophecy of famine, And much good may it do ’em.—Amen. Enp of Canto Il, RODONDOk O DON D O; OR THE STATE JUGGLERS. EEEPPEEALES ELLIS ELSES OEEE EDT PEOESE EO CANTO Il TX times the fun his car hath driv’n Thro’ all the turnpike-roads of heav’n; And now the feventh he’s jogging on, Since we to Cobham-hall fent John. A plaguy while the rafcal ftays ; But fuch are fervants,—now-a days. Tis pity that a tipling fot Shou’d mar fo exquifite a plot 5 ~ Or minifterial money undo The patriot purpofe of Rodondo. But whether ’twas a bribe or beer, That tempted John, is not fo clear. E3 To"54 RODONDO, or To us, let it fuffice that he Never perform’d bis embafly ; Preventing thus a confultation, Of great importance to the nation. For had Rodondo laid his po// To vacant nob of Tididol, The necelfary confequence, Had been much found, and little fenfe. No noftrum for diftemper’d ftates, Like contaét of two empty pates. So, if you take them in dry weather, And rub two rotten fticks together, You’ll raife a flame in half a minute, Though neither ftick has {park fire in it : | And patriotic noddles fhou’d Refemble fticks of rotten wood. When fingle, deftitute of wit But two, together rubb’d, emit, By procefs, which we call attrition, The flames of popular fedition. Mean-time the gout, with B—e in league, Still carried on the old intrigue. His toe forfaking, by degrees, Made war upon Rodondo’s knees ; And marching upwards very faft. Laid fiege to reafon’s feat at laft. TheTus STATB JUGGLERS, 55 The fortrefs was but ill provided ; For there Dame Reafon ne’er refided.— —She had appointed long before Domfoundibus the governor ; Who for a while the place defended, Till all his long words were expended, Or render’d of no further ufe, And then hung out a flag of truce; Which brought about, in a few bours, Between the belligerent powers, Atreaty firmly guaranteed ; The articles who will may read. Imprimis, we Dumfoundibus, For our conftituent, and us, Withont condition, ftipulate Surrender of Rodondo’s pate ; With all its limits and boundaries, As to be fix’d by commiffaries 5 Which premifes, both in and out, Are hereby ceded to the Gout. Who, on his part, confents to take it, Juft as ’twas left by wifdom,—naked ! But for the warlike ftores and treafure, Tho’ worn and wafted, in fome meafare, Among all parties ’tis decided, That they as follows be divided, Stem,56 RODONDO, or Item, A talent of {edition Much worn, yet ftill in fome condition. An ample volume of abufe, ‘Though pretty often thumb’d, of ufe. A magazine of factious lies, The beft political fupplies, Which oft’ employ’d, detected too, Are every whit as good as new. The art of keeping a good table, By taking in the thoughtlefs rabble; Of diving into idiots purfes, Of changing affes into horfes, And driving them about the ftreets, ‘With twenty other clever feats 5 All for the ufe of patriot, To Cacafogo we allot. Item, A pair of bellows, mended With native calf, yet broken winded, Which from both ends alike can blow, On Teague Oregan -we beftow ; With this provifo, that he lend, To friend Rumbumbo, either end, ‘Whene’er his lordfhip has a mind, To fave for ufe his own trade- wind. Rodondo’s coining tools befide, Between them fairly we divide. WithTue STATE JUGGLERS. 37 With every patch, and fhred, and hint, Of verbage that may be i’ th’ miat, To tagg, and to.employ at will, As God and nature gave them fkill. Item, For Malagrida’s-back, A fuit of hypocritic black, With a large wardrobe too of canting ; Not that to him they now are wanting, But that in time he’ll need ’em, we Do very palpably forefee. And, /aftly, in behalf of Pyrrhus, His bully back, ftrong motives ftir us; And, therefore, to him we award A complete fyftem of blackguard- -ing with choice flow’rs from Billingsgate, The beft piece in Rodondo’s pate. Thus from one patriot’s ftock, we hope, No lefs than five may fet up fhop. So coin an ounce of brafs, and you Will fee five farthiogs rife to view. This done, the governor march’d out, = And left his garrifon to th’ Gout. Who, that he might maintain the poft, Beftow’d on it fome little cof. And58 RODONDO, on And firft of all, be girt it round Of flannel with a treble mound ; Repair’d a horn-work much decay’d, Of old by L —— E—— made ; . The entrance guarded witha bray, Anew ftockade the covert ways With half a dozen yards of frize, Extending downward the glacis. And thus Rodondo’s head poftet We leave him to eternal refi ; To {peak of the guinguemvirate, That got his perfonal eftate. Remember, laughter-loving maid, In Sacro Gorgon’s cavalcade, ° You promis’d, that another time Shou’d furnith gin, and furnith rhime ; The gin of Jofeph’s genuine hogoo, For grain-de/cended Cacafogo. That time is come, and I, the bard, Expect you will not break your word. But pafs his birth and parentage, Th’ atchievements of his tender age 5 His youthful frolics, and the art He us’d to win a lady’s heart, And fpirit her to matrimony, For that which makes all matches, money; ‘ : HowTur STATE JUGGLERS. 59 How land and beeves thus archly got, Soon by his vices went to pot ; How, afterwards, fupplies to raife, He took to ftudy means and ways; How he, of orphans the proteGor, Became an hofpital direfor, * And to his own ufe turn’d the pelf, Becaufe he was the poor’ft himfelf ; How, brought in humour by this feat, He got in parliament a feat, That haply he might find occafion, To touch the money of the nation : Pafs all the thuffling tricks he try’d, To get upon the winning fide ; The offers which to B—e he made; *Ere he took up the patriot trade; For anger, fo the bard rehearfes, In fpite of nature can make verfes ; And alfo make a change i’th’ tone Of minifterial Aanger-on, O difappointment ! but for thee, What were this land of liberty ? Were’t not for thee, on Englifh ground, No trace of patriot could be found. Thou com’ft, indeed, with rueful face, To fruitlefs hunters after place, Blafting their hopes; but in exchange, Prefenting profpects of revenge. ya60 _RODONDO, oz Juft fo an egg, when over dreft, Becomes confounded hard to digeft ; And in the place of wholefome chy/e, Produces copious floods of bile ; And as a bugg, in queft of prey, rom tefter takes his mighty way, Or fallies from a chink of wood, Lur’d by the grateful fmell of blood, And with a lion’s boldnefs creeps, Upon, the caitiff as he fleeps ; ” But if you baulk him of his meal, Your nofe will his refentment feel. Infpir’d by fuch another flame, John Wilkes a patriot became. . But having this great truth in view, That one dugg ftinks much lefs than two, With Sacro Gorgon he united, So clofe, you would have thought them {pitted Together ; as is often feen, A fat rabbit, with one that’s lean. But Ionce more the mufe requeft, - To let fuch paultry matters reft ; To fet afide his verfe and profe, Eis pumpings, blanketings, and blows ; His march with T——t to the common; His fecond effay upoa woman, WhichTas STATE JUGGLERS. 61 Which was not quite fo fortunate, As that by which he won his mate; How to reward him, Greybeard law Had fain upon him laid his paws But leading the old Put a dance, He fairly fcamper’d o’er to France, To learn the principles of freedom, Becaufe his countrymen might need "em ; In profecution of which fcheme, He fhall be for a while our theme. But in a fubjedt grave as this, Thalia, take it not amifs, That we invoke, to lend thee aid, Great Sacro Gergon’s tuneful fhade ; For we have feen, on Gallic plains, Where Liberty triumphant reigns, A fwain contented drive the plow, His helpmate yok’d in’t with a fow! Who by their harmony prov’d this Truth, Fortier ef! unita vis ; And, mufe, you cannot fail to jog On better, yok’d with th’ ghoft of hog. O thou whofe brawny hulk while here, Serv’d to keep up the price of beer ; Whole ferfile genius cou’d produce Bumfodder for the nation’s ule; ; F Wile .a RODONDO, or Whole wit, like fmall beer on a dray, Ooz’d muddy thro’ the mafs of clay 5 ‘Whom Bacchus, for his flighted rite, Provok’d to the unequal fight, And by thy fatal overthrow, Yielded a pudding to the crow ! Whether, the Antiphrafis loft, You ftill enjoy the name of ghoft, And with the once-lov’d Cock- lane /p’rif, You wander in the fhades of night ; ‘Whether in famine’s cave you dwell, Or in the vault of Clerkenwell ; Whether Lethean ftreams idfpire The ftrain, as heretofore, entire, Or rather you inhale the mud Of the® thrice three-thread Stygian flood ! Whether Cocytus b/ack/irap fium, Or Phlegeton affords you rum, © As hot as B—kf—d e’er fupply’d, In freedom’s caufe before you dy’d ; If in the hogftye where you wallow, Divefted of your earthly tallow, Still anxious for our fate, the pray’r Of mortal hard can reach your ear $3 That waggling ear, which in your life Efcap’d fo oft Jack Ketch’s knife ; © Novies Styx circumfufa coercet. Virc. . ThaTur STATE JUGGLERS. » That ear, againft all chances fav’d, When oft the pillory it brav’d, . Attending like a conftant mate, Even to the grave its parent pate. Aift Thalia !—Tho’ ’tis true, i She never yet affifted you ; But thew that parfons are forgiving When no more i’the land o’the living, And, as it is in fcripture read, Heap coals of fire upon her head. In that old town, where Butler teaches Our good king Harry loft his breeches, (Which breeches, reader, tho’ threadbare, Sir Hudibras was proud to wear.) Met Churchill, Wilkes, and Humphry C—tes, Three firft-rate Englith patriots ; All three infpir’d with equal zeal, . To drink about for England’s weal; - To make a trial, whether ale Or wine, could beft infpire to rail 5 Whether, in claret there might be Some falve for wounded Liberty ; Since porter had effay’d in vain, Tho’ oft apply’d, to eafe her pain, Much they bewail’d their country’s lot ; And drank damnation to the Scot: Fa 63 Bat a64 ROD-ONDO, ox But having drank:it o’er and o'er, They were ‘ho wifer than before, Quoth Humphry,, after rueful paufe, «« Here goes: Confufion to all laws! Curfe them, they force a man to pay His debts; or d—n me, run away !” Quoth Sacro Gorgon, “ That’s a trimmer ; Vl pledge you, Humphry, in a brimmer ; or whether human or divine, : By G-d they are no‘friends of mine.” ‘W—kes, dreadful fquinting all the while, Grinn’d hotrible, a phaftly fmile ; And ftretching wide his lantern jaw, “¢ You, d—n your bodies ! talk of law? * What! think ye your efcapes from bums, - * Yourbeating bawds, and bilking frams ? * Think ye your poxes and bepoxings, * Your ale-houfe riotings and boxings ; “ Your heads, not feldom broke, ’tis true; * Your day-lights painted black and blaes © Your talent, parfon, for abufe; * And, H—ph—y, yours at turnipe-juice 5 “ Can raife you to the rank, which I © As freedom’s champion enjoy !— « No! though a pair of willing tits «© As ever liv’d,—by lake of wits; © Yet-there’s a diff’rence, all muft think, <*Between the fettlings and the drink ; ‘ And. Tar STATE JUGGLERS. ¢ And to the world it moft appear « That ye’re the fettlings, I the beer. * Or, by a figure more a kin, « Be you the deer, and I the. gin; ‘ Becaufe, of metaphors, the neareft ‘ To nature, ever are the cleareft.” Quoth H— ph—y, belching, and another Thiog, which fome folks call belching’s brother. Strosking his paunch, and looking big, “ Your figure is not worth a fig.— « Not worth what you, as I fuppofe, * May fmell, if you have any nofe. © Your gin and beer won’t do for me; € Ideal in foreign wine, d’ye fee; ¢ And fo, to cut the matter fhort, « Make me a hogthead of good port.” mech Il, whofe pipe fix’d in his cheek Had hindred all the while to {peak,. Broke Gilence, after a long whiff, And faid, “ friend Numps is in a miff. © And yet I think he might agree “ To ftand in the fame rank with ine. « He talks of foreign wine: but I * That e’er he fold a drop deny. © He deal in wine ! By G-d I know The turnip field where bis grapes grow ; % F3 « Aad Sd66 - RODONDO, oz a aaa a nl Onin a « a a aA nwa « And, Jack, you know their pow’r to kill, Was drawn-from your a’own daddy’s ftill. Tis true, the horough-kaight of late Has ‘help’d-him ja his work of fate, © And this damo’d ftuff he thinks to. put Upon us for as good as Jatt. No, throw your blackftrap to the-dogs, Or with it feed Sir Jofeph’s hogs; For if I hed a cup of ale, I'd drink, by G-d, his rival Th—le, Whofe beer, an antidote, defends Againft the death Sir Mufhroom vends 5 That Southwark, if ic were not for him, Would be a borough like Old Sarum ; But whether blackftrap, gin, or yeatft, Amongtt us union’s furely beft, As we are all on the fame plan, To eat and drink the beft we can: Let us together lay our heads, And make a liquor of three threads, Which being jumbled in one barrel, Will take off all pretext of quarrel ; And which, like-yeaft or leaven, thrown Upon the rotten parts-o’ th’ town, May in the courfe of time ferment To univerfal difcontent.” SageTar STATE JUGGLERS. 67. Sage Numps reply’d in hafte—** iadeed, “ I think the projec will fucceed ; ‘ And, fimple Humphry, as/I ftand, ‘ That I agree to’t, here’s my hand. But for the honour of my trade, There are a few words to be faid. You have afpers’d a calling, which . I hop’d one day: would make me rich, And I have ftuck to it, d’ye fee, © As long as it would ftick to me. a For while I could my liquor fell, The ftate affairs went very well 5 But with my cafh and credit fpent, a Old England’s independence went; a Avd which great bleffings to recover, a From London am I here come overt They muft go hand in hand, by G-d, However you may think it odd; Becaufe where nothing’. to be got, « « a“ « What man would be a patriot? a How can the ftate be kept alive, . If every member does not thrive? .* How members thrive, if you cry down a The honeft callings which they own? « Tfay ’tis honeft. Tho you foeer, a Pll match my wine with your butt beer, © You call me poifoner. Behold, « Neat as imported, racy, old, 4# One68 RODONDO, or © One bottle from my hiding-place, “ Which never faw a turnip’s face : * Match jt frem copper, or from ftill !— © You can’t, by G-d—And if you will, © Vil lay a guinea. If thee dear/t * Stand to the bett, I fays done firft.” So faying he a point untruft'd, His hand into his breeches thraft, From which (while Wilkes and Ch—h—Il ftar’d), A long-neck’d bottle foon appear’d. . For Numps on fome occafions chofe To make a cellar of his hofe; And in them made a hhift to ftow A dozen of the beft, or fo; Becaufe he faid it ripen’d fatt, And got fome flavour,,and fome tafte. This method to have wine well fcented, He had improv’d, indeed invented. And to fuch trunk-hofe-cellars, he Had the fole right as patentee ; Becaufe he prov’d their fituation, Made a great faving to the nation ; For in the climate where they hung, No need of faw-duft, or horfe-dung. But fome would treat it as a farce, And fay, it made him hang an a—e; : , WhileTaz STATE JUGGLERS. by While others gravely would difculs A point of more importance, thus— “ A thoufand fad examples teach « The haplefs tot of Patriot's breech, " ¢ Condemn’d by fate to undergo” The rude affault of every toe; As if, indeed, its only ule In England were to wear out fhoess And that a Patriot’s backfide Contain’d a magnet for neat: hide: « From whence fome fhrewd obfervers gather The late alarming rife of leather; Becaufe the patriot breed of late Is grown more common in the ftates ny a And frequent contat,, it is clear, Oceafions greater tear and wear. And if the affive leather’s worn, « Think how the pafive muft be torn! ‘ Though, if in’s breeches he crams glafs, a & A a Ten times more pitiful his cafe In daily rifque of blood’s effufion, a And continuity’s folution ; Unlefs like Parthian, as he flies, He means to wound the enemies 5 a Or, if he heathen vengeance fcorns, By a new method cut their corns, © But it has been obferv’d of late, That there are humours in the ftate, « Which79 RODBONDO, or « Which have feiz’d on, and rais’d a fame I'the parts which‘no man cares to name, « Which makes the grievance fundamental, « A circumftance which we refent all, a The rather that it’s not confin’d To our politic parts behind ; © But every one, in’s natural breech, a Deplores the fympathetic itch : . And as a dog, into whole bum “ € The boys have clapt origanum, Runs helter tkelter thro’ the ftrects, Snarling at every one he meets; ‘ And to afluage hig burning ail, In every kennel thrufts his tails Juft fo our prefept patriots are - Eager of getting ia the chair. ’Tis to allay the burning heat I’their buttocks that they feek the feat Becaule it’s of the clofe-ftool kind, And keeps the chairmen cool behind, Where they like glow-worms of male line, Cr er rr ry Or rotten whitings, ftink, and Shine. a But more of them we mean to {peak, a Should the committes live a week 5 A thing I fear againft all chances ; Such is their burden of grievances, a © Of irritations, fpafns, and tenfions, © OF mortal qualess, and apprehenfisas, © ThatTux STATE JUGGLERS, ” ¢ That many wile men spprebend, ¢ * Twill of them quickly make an end. * But as phyficians are agreed, ‘ That piles, before they’re cur’d, muft bleed ; © And that, in this alarming cafe, * There’s nothing like a cupping-glafs, « So H—ph—y to bis windward fide, 4 The topic ‘always kept apply’d; © That every toe which his breech kift’d ‘ Might ferve for a phlebotomift : * For fo’s the term deriv’d indeed, © Phlebotomif!, from bottom flea’d.” - But leaving all the reafons, which Had made a bina of H—ph—y's breech, To tell, tho’ loath, we mult begin, Threffects of this unwholefome dian. Poor Ch—h—ll ! he had caufe (God knows) To curfe th’invention of trunk-hofe ; Or rather, be the man accurft, Who as a cellar us’d them firft ! And furely H—ph—y was in fault To turn his breeches to a vault. However, with a graceful jerk, He from the bottle drew its cork, Accompanying from behind The merry gluck, with blaft of wind 5 ot For73 : RODONDO) SS For ’twas:with him a conftant trick, To let a rowzer in the nick Of drawing, that it might be thought, * He cork’d his bottles as he ought : And, being always ready prim’d, ” ‘The chorus he fo juftly tim’d, And modulated to his breech, . That none could tell which found waswhibht > | Others infifted, that his f—t- cing wal an ailment, not an art ; And would illuftrate fuch difcourfe, . By cafe of broken-winded horfe ;” Like whom, whenever Numps exerted A mufcle, they’d maintain he f—ted. And as his moft fatiguing works, His daily bread, was drawing corks. The force of cuftom might alone, Reduce the founds to unifon. That harmony has charms, appears, In all who have not loft their ears; Hence, many men would rifque a bett, , That Humphry’s are not cropt—as yet. . Fer had they bid his pate good b’ye. How could his. kept time? afk 1. But he himfelf has often made Another fyftem on this bead. And thus he ftates it: “¢ Who would fean 6 The wondrous microcofim call’d map, 2 © Would[ ; Tur STATE JUGGLERS. 73 { «would furely find in him compriz’d, | « The bill of rights epitomiz’d. * Suppofe now, for example’s fake, © We call the head, Sir Francis B—ke ? | 1 afk you, where there could be found ag A head fo heavy, or fo round? It has by all been feen; and all * § Muft needs confefs it capital. : © Now for its parts, Let us fuppofe ' 6 That theriff Saw—e were the nofe? ¢ Or — or —? But 1 mnft ftop, | * Leaft I fhould raife the price of foap. ‘ And as another apt example, * Suppofe we made the brains of T——lIe? ‘-The eyes, and mouths, and beards, and ears, * Prefigur’d by as many peers. * Our worthy lord m——r claims the tongue, £ So chatte, fo fluent, and fo ftrong. * And for the gullet, parfon H—e To be its prototype was born. ca © Altho’ “tis whifper’d, and he knows it; « That hemp or caudel foon muft clofe it ; ‘Yet he’s no flincher from a fate, © We all muft come to, foon or late. © The heart and noble parts, are beft * By Wilkes and Liberty exprefs’d. * The lungs by B—s. S——1 V—n © At playing conicience, is the man; ; G _ $ The14 - RODONDO, og Tho’ as to playing confcience, we « Have all as good a hand as he. We alfo for the guts may ferve, As none of us defign to ftarve. a a a And the contents, when voided, are Of right, Sir J-—h M. The legs, if they deferve the name OF legs, are feen in hopping Jem. And I, for my part, am content, To play the humble fundament. Then who can blame me if I chufe To keep that ufeful part in ufe ?— Befides, my a—fe has, with fabmiffion, a y’s fhare. a « a a a « A right inberent to petition ; And all its grievances to vent « Againft the prefent government. That part enjoys by Magna Charta, a Exclufive privilege to— f—a. © Nor is the man a friend to’s country, Who claps upon his breech a centry; And whether dry goode, or wet cargo, Upon its exports lays embargo. This I may fay, and fay it truly, That when beft lin’d, ’tis moft unruly ; a “ © And makes the greateft uproar, when It has leaft reafon to complain, a ” But this I am too wife to blame; - a“ Our bill of rights men do the fame. 6 ForTur STATE JUGGLERS. 75 * * For wind engender’d in the ftate * By fomewhere mutt evaporate.” Thus as he fpake, in a quart-mug, Inftead. of glafs, he pour’d the drug ; And with a patriotic leer, Cry’d, <* Pledge ye,” to the brawny feer. The brawny feer, who fcorn’d to hedge, - Soon anfwer'd, ‘ I accept your pledge ! ‘ Tho’, d—n me, if I like your drink 5 It looks, by G-d, as black as ink : * Of which I have not made the beft Ufe, it mutt fairly be confett. ¢ Confound my eyes, and limbs, and blood, ¢ [ll ne’er truft colour if ’tis good.” So faying, to his head he rais’d The cann, and in the liquor gaz’d, And faw reflected from its fhade, The ugly faces which he made. At this freth infult more provok’d; In defp’rate wrath his eye he lock’d; And chuck’d down as he'd chuck a flug, The whole contents of H—ph—y’s mug. Nor left whereof to make libation, But whether ’twere imagination ; Or that friend H—ph—y’s wine, indeed, Were brew’d of fome pernicious weed, Ga . Root,96 RODONDO, or Root, herb, or flow’r, for ’tis all one, No fooner was the potion down, Than dreadful civil war began To waite the parfon’s inward man. For porter, who poffefs’d of old, The fote dominion of his hold, No fooner fmock’d the bold defign, Of his old rival, nicknam’d Wine, Than ftraight he beat to arms. His drum Refounded fetid through the room ; And from their clabs each faithful friend, Of Liberty, the chief attend. Some freeholders in fad condition, Made violent motions—to petition. The bill of rights, for this affair, Voted a larger hole i’the chair ; And fram’d a glorious refolution, Of purging well the conftitution. Since wine was worfe, if worfe cou’d be, Than the addrefs from Coventry, The whole committee (queez'd and prefs'd, That grievances might be redrefe'd. The theriffs next, a motion made To call in Dr B—f—d’s aid. Sir Jofeph M——-y made a fpeech, Which murmur’d hollow thro’ the breech 5 And every one refolv’d to ftand For Liberty, with heart and hand.Tue STATE JUGGLERS. 77 But to be fure of a retreat, If they fhould happen to be beat, A garrifon in the a—gut Under this valiant knight they put. For tam Mercurio, guam Marte, He was the heart’s blood of the party, But now the hour advane’d apace, _ When he fhou’d figh, and fay, alas! Acurfe upon the lovely fow, Whofe charms entic’d me from the plow ! And me, in jealous fury, fet To geld each rival that I met. For from the higher ground, the foe Pour’d on the patriots below ; Who with a fudden panic feiz’d, Towards the poftern prefs'd and fqueez'd. Sir Jofeph was the firft that fled, And left his poft, to fave his head. But as the gods, in days of yore, “To fave them from the Titan's power, Were fore’d in every fize and fhape, From high Olympus to efcape : So he (to flight of hand no ftranger), Finding himfelf in equal danger, With no lefs skill and caution, tries To flink away in a difguile. But in his rank himfelf intrenching, He fcorn’d to thruft his foul an inch in 5 G3 _o8 RODONDO, on Or front his prefent knighthood ftir, Until he found another Sir,.— He’d rather chufe to lie i’the cecum Altho’ the enemy fhould take ‘im, And make black puddings of his blood, Than derogate from knightlyhood. But heaven, to knights in danger, kind, Prefented, what he wifhed to find, A form moft proper to conceal This ftickler for the commonweal : In which Sir Reverence envelop’d, He fwiftly to the poftern gallop’d ; Ani lay perdue, till Ch —=Il fd, Which happen’d oft, when out he darted, Exulting that he was the firft Who minifterial chains had burft, And in the canfe of Liberty, Could keep his honours, and be free. But Fortune, by the minifter Brib’d in this national affair, And naturally ill-intention’d ‘To knights and heroes when unpenfion’d, On this occafion fhew’d her fpite Againft our twice-dubb’d borough-knight : A hog, that he had lately gelt, Jn this difguife the patriot fmelt, And nothing daunted with the found ‘He made in tumbling to the ground,. Tus STATE JUGGLERS. 4 He fwopt the knight into his belly, As ifa knight bad been a jelly !— Not prophet Jonas to the whale Afforded fuch a nice regale, But which was hardeft of digeftion, We-will not ftop to make a queftion 5 Tho’, all things weigh’d, it may be guefa’d, The knight was rather better dreft; Fer trituration much more fit, And what hogs call a dainty bit. Tom Thumb, A@zon, Diomede, Were gobbled up by thoft they fed ; But none fave Mufhroom and Actzon, Were turn’d out of the fkin they lay in. A@zon wore his horns in fight, ‘Unlike the prudent borough-knight. _* Both were determin’d hunters too, That of the doar, this of the /ow. One fell a quarry to his dogs, The other to his favourite hogs. The fame their fortune, any way 3 And both are worthy of the lay. But a worfe accident remain’d ; Sir Jofeph fo the paifage ftrain’d, And like the portrefs at hell’s door, - So open’d ic, (to thut no more), : That80 R-O D OMN DO, on That with the motley patriot crew Great Sacro Gorgon’s fpirit flew. Here fhould we {peak of Wilkes’s grief, Of H—ph—y looking—like a thief,— Bemoaning with his crony, dead, His liquor’s reputation fled ; His guinea loft, his cellar fham’d, And England’s conftitution maim’d ! But now in France the mufe proceeds To fing great Cacofogo’s deeds ; To follow him by tuck of drum ; And hue and cry, and poft hafte home ; And all the wonders to relate Of Brentford and of Bifhopfgate; With many weighty matters, which Anether book hall fhortly teach. Exp of Canto III. THEART or POLITICS; In IMITATION or H OR A.C E’S ART or POETRY, F to a human face Sir James fhould draw A gelding’s mane, and feathers of maccaw 5 A lady’s bofom, and a tail of cod, Who could help laughing at a fight fo odd? (a) Juft fuch a monfter, Sirs, pray think before ye, When you behold one man both Whig and Tory. Not (2) Humano capiti cervicem pifler equinam Jungere fi velit, & varias inducere plumas, Undique collatis membris, ut turpiter atrum Definat in pifcem, mulier formofa fuperme? SpeCtatum admifi, rifum tencatis, amici? Credite, Pifones, iftt tabula fore libriim Perfimilets, cujus, velit agri fomnia, vane . Fingentur_82 Tue ART oF Not more extravagant are drunkard’s dreams, Than /ow church politics with high church {chemes. Painters, you'll fay, may their own fancies ufe, And free-born Britons may their party chule ; That’s true, I own: but can one piece be drawn For dove and dragon, elephant and fawn ? (4) Speakers profefs’d, who gravity pretend, ~ With motely fentiments their fpeeches blend 5 Begin like patriots, and like courtiers end. Some love to roar, the conflitution’s broke, And others on the zation’s debts to joke; Some rail, (they hate a common-wealth fo much,) Whate’er the fubjedt be, againft the Dutch; While others, with more fafhionable fury, Begin with turnpikes, and conclude with Fleury ; Some, Fingentur fpecies. Pidtoribus atque pectis Quidiibet audendi femper fuit aqua puteflas s « Scimus, & hanc veniam petimufque damu/que vicif- fim s Sed non ut placidis cocant immitia, non ut Serpentes avibus geminentur, tigribus agni, (4) Inceptis gravibus, plerumque, & magna profefis, Purpureus late qui /plendeat unus & alter Afuitur pannus ; eum lucus & ara Diane, Aut properantis aque per amanos ambitus agros, Aut fumen Rhenum, aut pluvius defcribitur arcus ; Sed nunc non erat bis locus: & fortaffe cupreffum SeisPOLITICS 83 Some, when th’ affair was Blenheim’s glorious battle . a Declaim’d againft importing Irith catt/e. But you, from whate’er fide you take-your nape, Like Anna’s motto, always-be the fame. (c) Outfides deceive, ’tis hard the truth to know, Parties from quaint denominations flow, As Scots and Itith antiquaries thow. The Low are faid to take Fanatics parts, The High are bloody Papifts in their hearts. Caution and fear to higheft faults have run ; In pleafing both the parties, you pleafe none. Who in the houfé affects declaiming airs, Whales in Change alley paints, in Fifh-ftreet, bears, Some metaphors, fome handkerchiefs difplay, Thefe peep in hats, while thofe with buttons play,¢ And make me think it repetition-day ; There Scis fimulare : quid hoc, fi fractis enatat expes Navibus, ere dato qui pingitur ? amphora cepit Inflitui, currente rota cur urceus exit ? Denque fit quidvis, fimplex duntaxat & unum, (¢) Decipimur [pecie recti ; brevis effe labore, « Obfcurus fio; fefantem lavia, nervi Deficiunt animique = profeffus grandia, turget. Qui variare cupit rem prodigaliter unam, Delphinum fylvis appingit, finibus aprum, In vitium ducit culpa fuga, fi caret arte. ‘Eimilium circa ludum faber imus & ungnes . Bxprimet, & molles imitabitur ore capillas; 5 Infelin84 “Tus ART or There knights haranguing hug a neighb'ring poft, And are but Querum orators at moft. Sooner than thus my want of fenfe expofe, J'd deck out bandy-legs with gold cluck’t hofe, Or wear a toupet-wig without a nofe. Nay, I would fooner have thy phyz, I fwear, Surintendant des plaifirs d’ Angleterre*. (4) Ye weekly writers, of feditious news, Take care your /ubjects artfully.to chufe : Write panegyric ftrong, or boldly rail, You cannot mils preferment,—or a jail. Wrap up your poifon well; nor fear to fay ‘What was a lie laft night is truth to day ; To Infelix operis fumma, quia ponere totum Nefcict ; ego me, fi quid componere curem, ‘on magis effe velim, quam pravo vivere nafo SpeGandum uigri. oculus, nigreque capillos (4) Sumite materiam veftris, qui [cribitis, equam Viribus ; & verfate din, quid ferre recufent, Quid valeant humeri: cus lecta potenter erit res ; Nec facundia deferet hunc, nec luctdus orde. Ordinis hac virtus erit @ Venus, aut ego fallor, Ut jam nunc dicat, jam nunc dehentia dicis Pleraque differct, & praefens in tempus omittat. Dixeris egregie, notum fi callida verbum Reddiderit juntura novum ; fi forte neceffe eft Fudiciis * All Mr Heydegger’s setters came diretted to him from abroad, A Monfieur, Monfieur Heydegger, Surintendant de plaifirs d’ Angleterre.POLITICS. 8s Teil this, fink that, arrive at Ridpath’s praife, Let Abcl Roper your ambition raife, To lie fit opportunity obferve, Swing fome double meaning in referve ; But oh ! you'll merit everlafting fame, If you can quibble un Sir Robert’s name. In flate affairs ule vot the vulgar phrafe, Talk words fcarce known in good queen Befa’s days. New terms let war or traffic introduce, And try to bring per/uading /bips in ule. Coin words: io coining ne’er mind common fenfe, Provided the original be French. (¢) Like fouth-/ea flock, expreffions rife and fall King Edward’s words are now no words at all. Did ought your predeceffor’s genius cramp? Sure ev'ry reign may have its proper ftamp. All fublunary things of death partake ; What alteration does a cent’ry make? H Kings Indiciis monftrare recentibus abdita rerum; Fingere cintturis non exaudita Cethegis Gontinget, dabiturque licentia fumpta padenter Et nova, fittaque nuper habebunt verba fidem, fi Graco fonte cadant. (e) —— sicuit, femperque licebit, Signatum priefente nota producere nomen. Ut Syloe folits pronos mutantur in annos, Prima cadunt ; ita verborum vetus interit etas. Debemur morti nos, nofiraque, five receptus, Terra Neptunus, claffes aquilonibus arcet, " Regis86 ~ THe ART or Kiogs and comedians all are mortal found, Cefar and Pinkethman are under ground. What's not deftroy'd by time’s devouring hand? Where’s Troy, and where’s the May-pole in the > Strand? Peafe, cabbages, and turnips, once grew where Now ftands New Bond-ftreet, and a newer fquare : Such piles of buildings now rife up ond down ; London it(elf feems going out of town. Our fathers crofe’d from Fu/ham in a wherry, Their fons enjoy a bridge at Putney-ferry. Think we that modern words eternal are? Toupet and Tompion, Cofins and Colmar, Hereafter will be call’d by fome plain man A wig, a watch, a pair of flays,a fan. To things themfelves if time fach change affords, Can there be any trufting to our words? (f) To fcreen good minifters from public rage, And how with party-Madnefs to engage, We learn from Addifou's immortal page. The Regis opus, flerilifve diu palus, aptaque remis Vicinas urbes alit, w grave fentit aratrum: Seu curfume mutavit imiguum frugibus amnis, Dofus iter melius, mortalia fala peribunt ; Nedum fermonum flet henos, & gratia vivax. Multa renafeentur, que jam cecidere ; cadentque, Que nunc fant in honore vocabula, fivolet ufus : Quem penes arbitrium ef, 9 jus @ norma feguendie ) Res gefle regumque ducumgne, © triflia ella, Quo feribi poffent numero, monftravit Homerus. , . Wer fbusPOLITICS 89 . The Facobite’s ridicolous opinion Is {een from Tikell’s letter to Avignon. But who put sCaleb’s Coustry Craft/max out, Is (till a fecret, and the world’s in doubt. (g) Not long fince puri/b-clerks, with faucy airs, Apply'd king David's p/alms to flate affairs. Some certain twnes to politics beleng, * On both fides drunkards love a party-fong. (A) If full acrofs the Speaker’s chair I go, Can | be faid the ra/es o’th’ hoafe to know ? V'll ask, nor give offence without intent, Nor thro’ meer fheepithnefs be impudent. (4) In affs of parliament avoid fublime, Nor e’er addrefs his majefty in rhime 5 ; H2 Ag Verfibus impariter jun@is querimonia primum, Poft etiam inclufa eft voti Autentia compos. Quis tamen exiguos elegos emiferit auctor, Grammatici certant, @ adhuc fub judice lis eft. (g) Uufa dedit fidibus Divos, puerofque Deorum, Et pugilem vidlorem, & equum certamine primum Et juvenum curas, & libera vina referre. (4) Deferiptas fervare vices, operumque colores, Cur ego, fi nequeo, ignoroque poeta falutor? Cur nefcire, pudens prave, quam difcere malo ? (6) Verfibus exponi tragicis res comica non vult. Ledignatur item privatis, ac prope focce - Digais88 Tue ART. ov An aéf of parliament's a ferious thing, Begins with year of Lord and year of king ; Keeps clofe to form, in every word is ftrict, When it would pains and penalties infli&. Soft words fuit beft petitioners intent ; Soft words, O ye petitioners of Kent ! (4) Who e’er harangues before he gives his vote, Should fend fweot language from a tuneful throat. Pultney the coldeft breaft with zeal can fire, And Roman thoughts by Attic rile infpire ; He knows from tedious wrangliags to beguile ‘The ferious 4ou/e into a chearful {mile ; When the great patriot paints his anxious fears For England’s fafety, I am loft in tears. But when dull fpeakers ftrive to move compaffion, I pity their poor hearers, not the nation : Unlefs young members to the purpofe fpeak, I fall a laughing, or I fall aflep. ’ () Can Dignis carminibus narrari cena Thyefles Interdum.tamen, & vecem Comedia tollit, Tratufque Chremes tumido delitigat ore. Telephus & Peleus, cum pauper, o exul uterque Projicit ampullas, & fefquipedalia verba, (4) Non fatis eff pulchra effe poemata: dulcia funto ; Et quocungque volent animum auditoris agunto, Ut vember arrident, ita flentibus adfunt Humani vultus. Si vis me flere, dolendum eft Primum ipfi tibis tunc tua me infortunia ledent Telephe, vel Peleu. Male fi mandata luqueris, Aut dormitabo aut ridebo. (1) FormatPOLITICS. 89 (4 Can men their inward faculties controul ? Is not the tongue an index to the foul? Laugh not in time of fervice to your God, Nor bully, when in cuffedy o’th’ red ; Look grave, and be from jokes and grinning far, When brought to fue for pardon at the dar, a If then you let your ill-tim’d wit appear, knights, citizens, and burgeffes will faecer. (m) For land or trade, not the fame notions fire The city-merchant, and thé country quire ; Their climes are diftant, tho’ one caufe unites The /airds of Scotland, and the Cornith knights. (2) To Jikelihood your charafers confine 5 Don’t turn Sir Paul out ; let Sir Poul refign. In Walpole’s voice (if factions ill intend) Give the two Univerfities a friend ; H 3 Give (/) Format enim natura prius nos intus ad omnem Fortunarum babitum, oc. Poft effert animi motus interprete lingua. Triftia maflum Vultum verba decent, wc. Si dicentis erunt firtunis abfona diffa, Romani tollent equites, peditefque cachinnum. (m)Intererit multum Dioufne loquutur, an heros: . Mercator ne vagus, cultorne virentis agellis a Cotchus, an Aifrius, Thebis nutritus, an Argiss (4) Aut famam fequere, aut fibi comvenientia finge Scriptor. Hansratum fi forte reponis Achillem = Umpiger, iracundus, inexorabilis, acer ¢ UT ago Tue ART er Give Maidftone wit, and elegance refin’d ; To both the Pelhams give the Scipios mind 5 To Cart’ret learning, eloquence, and parts; To George the fecond, give all Englith hearts, e (0) Sometimes freth names in politics produce, And fuétions yet unheard of introduce ; And if you dare attempt a thing fo new, Make to itfelf the flying /quadron true. (p) To fpeak is free, no member is debar’d : But funds and national accompts are hard: Safer on common topics to difcourfe, The malt-tax, and a military force. On thefe each coffee-houfe will lend a hint, Befides a thoufand things that are in print. But fteal not word for word, nor thought for thought: For you'll be teaz’d to death, if you are caught. When Jura neget fibi nata ; nibil nen arroget armis, Sit Medea ferox, inviffaque febilis Ino, Pes fidus Ixion, Io vaga, triflis Orefles. (0) Si quid inexpertum {cena committis, & andes Perfonam formare novam sfervetur ad imum Qualis ab incepte procefferit, & fibi conflet. (p) Difficile eff proprie communia dicere + tuque - ReGius Iliacum carmen weduces in allus, Quam fi proferres ignota, indiflague primus. Publica -materies privati juris erit, fi Nec circa vilem patulumque moraberis orbemy, Nec verbum verbo curadis reddere fidus . Interpres,POLITIdICS 9 When Fadtious leaders boaft increafing ftrength, Go not too far, nor follow ev'ry length: Leave room for change, turn with a grace about, And fwear you left ’em, when you found ’em out. (g) With art and modefty your part maiatain : And talk like ¢e/’ae/ Titus, not like Lane 3 The trading knight with rants his {peech begins, Sun, moon, and ftars, and dragons, faints, and kings: Bot Titus faid, with his uncommon fenfe, When the exc/ufien bi// was in fulpence, 1 hear a lion in the lobby roar; Say, Mr Speaker, fhall we thut the door, And keep him there, or thall we let him in, To try if we can torn him out again? (r) Some mighty blufterers iegpeach with nolfe, And call their private cry, the nation’s voice; (:) From Interpres : nec fic defilies imitator in arflum Unde pedem proferre pudor vetet, aut operis lex, (9) Nec fie incipies ut Scriptor Cyclicus olim. Fortunam Priami cantabe, © nobile bellum: Quanto reftius hic, qui nil molitur inepte ! Dic mihi Mufa virus, capta poft tempora Troja, Qui mores homsinum multorum vidit & urbes. (r) Non fumum ex fulgore, fed ex fume dare lucem Cogitat s , : (4) Quid92 . Tas ART or (s) From folio’s of accompts they take their handles, And the whole balance proves a pound of candles; As if Paul’s cupola were brought to bed, After hard labour, of a {mall pin’s head. (#) Some Rufus, fome the Conqueror bring in, And fome from Julius Cefar’s days begin. A cunning [peaker-can command his chops And when the 4cz/e is not in humour, ftops; In falfehood probability imploys, Nor his old lies with newer lies deftroys. (4) If when you {peak, you'd hear a needle fall, And make the frequent Aear-hims rend the wall, In matters fuited te your tafte engage, Remembring ftill your quality and age. Thy tafk be this, young knight, and hear my fong, What politics to ev’ry age belong. (x) When (1) Quid dignum tanto feret hic promif‘r biatu ? Parturient monte:, nafcetur ridiculus mus. {t) Nec reditum Diomedis ab interitu Meleagri, Nee gemino belium Trejanum orditur ab ovo, v, que Defperat traGata nitefcere poffe, relinguit. Atque ita mentitur, fic veris falfa remifcet Primo ne medium, medio ne difcrepet imum. (#) Tx, quid ego, & populus mecum defideret, uxdi, Si plauforis eges aulaa manentis, & ufque Seffuri, donec cantor, vos plaudite, dicat ; Etatis cujufque notauds funt titi mores ; _ Mebilibu/que decor naturis dandus, & annis. (x) ReddersPOLITICS 93 (x) When dabes can fpeak, babes thould be taught ‘ to fay, King George the fecend’s health, buzza, huzza ! Buys thould learn Latin for prince William’s fake, And girls Louifa their example make. (7) More loves the youth, juit come to his eftate, To range the fields, than in the hou/e debates More he delights in fav’rite jowler’s tongue, Than in Will Shippen, or Sir William Young + If in one chafe he can two horfes kill, He cares not two-pence for the land-tax bill : Loud in bis wine, ia women not o’er. nice, He damns his uncles if they give advice ; . Votes as his father did when there’s a ca//, But had much rather never vote at all. (2) We take a diff’rent turn at twenty-fix, And lofty thoughts on fome lord’s daughter fix (x) Reddere qui veces jam {cit puer, & pede certo Signat humum, gejtit paribus colludere, @ iram Colligit ac ponit temere, & mutatur in horas. (9) Imberbis juvenis, tandem cuftode remoto, Gaudet equis, canibufque, & aprici gramine campis Cereus in vitinm fletii, monitoribus afper, Utilium tardus provifor, prosigus aris, Sublimis, cupidufque, & amata relinguere pernix. ( (2) Converfis fludis, tas, animufque virilis . Quarit94 Tue ART or With men in pow’r ftrié friendfhip we purfue, With fome confiderable poft in view. . A man of forty fears to change his note, One way to fpeak, and t’other way to vote; Careful his tongue in paffion to command, Avoids the bar, and {peaker’s reprimand. (4) In bags the o/d maz lets his treafure ruft, Afraid to ufe it, or the-funds to trutt; When ftocks are low, he wants the heart to buy, And through much caution fees ’em rife too high; Thinks nothing rightly done fince /eventy-cight, Swears prefent members do not talk, but prate : In Charles the fecond"s days, {ays he, ye prigs, — Tories were Tories then, and Whigs were Whigs: Alas! this is a lamentable truth, We lofe in age as we advance in youth : I laugh, when twenty will like eighty talk, And old Sir John with Polly Peachum walk. (4) Now Quearit opes & amicitias ; inferoit bonori Commififfe canet, quod mox mutare laboret. (4) Multa fenem circumveniunt incommida : vel quod Quarit, & inventis mifer abftinet, actimet uti: Dilater, fpe longus, iners, avidufque futuri ; Difficilis, queru'us, laudatur temporis alti Se puero, cenfor, cafligatorque minorum, Multa ferunt anni venientes commoda fecum ; Multa recedentes adimunt. Ne forte feniles, Mandentur juoeni partes, puercgue viriles: Semper in adjunttis, avoque morabimur aptis. (8) utPOLITICS, 95 (4) New as to double, or to fulfe returns, When pockets fuffer, and when anger burns, O thing furpaffing faith! knight ftrives with knight, When both have brib’d and neither’s in the right. The baylift’s {elf is fent for in that cafe, And all the witneffes had-face to face, SeleSted members foon the fraud unfold, In full committee of the bow/e ’tis told ; Th’ incredible corruption is deftroy’d, The chairman’s angry, and th’ election void. (¢) Thofe who would captivate the well-bred + throng, Should not too often fpeak, nor {peak too long : Church, nor church-matters ever turn to fport, Nor make St Stephen’s Chapel, Dover Court. (d) The /peaker, when the Commons are affembl’d, May to the Grecian Chorus be refembl’d ; *Tis (4) Aut agitur res in [cenis, aut afta refertur. Seguius irritant animos demiffa per aurem, Quam que funt oculis fubjeGa fidelibus, & que Ipfe ab tradit Spefator. Quodeung; oftendis mihi fic, incredulus odie (c) Neve minor, neu fit quinto produttior atu Fabula, que pofct vult, & {pectata reponis Nec Deus interfit, nifi dignus vindice nodus Incidsrit, nec quarta loqui perfena laboret, (4) AGoris partes,Chorus , oficiumgue virile Defendat + neu quid medios intercinat attus Quod9S Tue ART or Tis his the young and modeft to efpoufe, And fee none draw, or challenge in the hou/fes *Tis his old hofpitality to ufe, And three good printers for the bou/e to chufe; To let each reprefentative be heard, And take due care the chaplain be preferr’d, To hear no motion made that’s out of joint, And where he fpies his member, make his point. (e) To knights new chafen in old time would come, The county trumpet, and perhaps a drum ; Now when a burgefs new eleét appears, Come train-bands, horfe-guards, foot. guards, grenadiers; When the majority the town clerk tells, His honour pays the fiddles, waits, and bells: Harangues Quod non propofito conducat, & hereat apte ; Mile bonis faveatque & concilietur amicis, Et regat iratos, & amet peccare timentes, Ile dipes laudet menfa brevis : ille falubrem Juftitiam, legef{que © apertis otia portis, Mlle tegat commiffa, Decf{que p:ecetur, & oret Ut redeat miferis, abeat fortuna fuperbis. (¢) Tibia non, ut nunc, orichalco vinga, tubeque mula, fed tenuis, fimplexque foramine pauco Afpirare, & adeffe choris erat utilis, ecu Pofiquam cepit agros extendere victor, o urbem Latior amplefli murus, oc. Accefit numerifgue modifque licentia major. Sic etiam fidious veces crevere feveris, Et tulit eloquium infolitum facundia preceps, UtiiiumguePOLITICS, 97 Harangues the med, and is as wife and great, As the mok myftic oracle of ftate. (f) When the duke’s grandfon for the county ftoed, His beef was fat, and his O@ober good ; His lordhhip took each plenghman by the fift, Drunk to their fons, their wives and daughters kife’ds But when ftrong beer their freeborn hearts inflames,” They (eli him bargains, and they call him names. ‘Thus is it deem’d in Englith aobles wile To ftoop for no one-reafon but to rife, (g) EleGion matters hua with cautions awe, © all ye judges learned in the law 1 A judge by bribes as much himfelf degrades, As duchefs-dowager by mafquerades. (4) Try not with jefts obfcene to force a {mile, Nor lard your fpeech with mother Needham’s ftile: I Utiliumgue fagax rerum, & divina fetal Sortilegis non difcrepuit jententra Delphis. (f) Carmine gui tragice vilem certavit, 06 hircum, - Incolumi gravitate jocusm tentavit ; eo gued 7 Mecebris erat, & grata novitate morandus Spettator, fanllufgue facris, & potus, ow enter. (g) Ffutire leves ind. gna tragedia verfis: Ut feflis matrona moveri juffa diebus, Intererit Satyris pauium pudibunda protervis. (4) Non ege inornuta v dominantia nomina folum, Verbaque, Pifomes, Satyrorum {ct iptor amabo iS ecsq _ Tax ART oF Let not papr tongue to Olphieldi/mos run, And. Ktbberifmos with abhorrence fhun 5 Let not your looks affected words difgrace, Nor join with filver tongue a brazen face 5 Let not your hands, like tall-boys, be employ’d And the mad rant of tragedy avoid. Juft in your thoughts, in your expreffion clear, Neither too modeft, nor too bold appear. {é) Others in vain a like fuccefs will boaft, He {peaks moft eafy who has ftudy’d moft. (4) A peer’s pert heir has to the commons fpoke A vile reflection, or a bawdy jokes Call’d to the houfe of lords, of this beware, - *Tis what the di/hops bench will never bear. Among the commens is {uch freedom fhown, They lafh each other, and attack the throne: Yet fo unkkilful, or fo fearful fome, For nine that fpeak there’s nine-and-forty dumb. (/) When Nec fic enitar tragico differre eoloi, Ut nihil inter fit, Davufue loguator, et audax Pythias, ety lucrata Simone talentum : An cuftos furnulufque Dei Silenus alumni (i) . Ut fibi quivis Speret idem, fudet multum fruflraque laboret, (4) Ne nimium teneris juvenentur ver jbus unguam, Aut immunda crepent, iguominiofegue diffa : Offenduntur enim quibur eft equus, & pater, eres, Nee fi quid [rifti ciceris probat. & nucis emtor, Ziquis accipiunt animis, donautve corona. (1) AtPOLITICS, 99 (4) When James the rf, at great Britannla’s helm, Rul’d this word-clipping aad word-coining realm, No words to royal favour made pretence, But what agreed in found and clafh’d in fenfe. Thrice happy he ! how great that fpeaker’s praife, Whofe ev’ry period look’d an hundred ways? What then? we now with juft abhorrence fhun, The trifting quibble, and the {chool-boys pun > Tho’ no great connofffeur, I make a fhift Juft to find out a Durfey from a Swift ; I can difcern with half an eye, I hope, Mift from Jo Addifon; from Eufden, Pope: I know a farce from one of Congreve’s playay. And Cibber’s opera-from Johnny Gay’s. (7) When pert Defoe his faucy papers writ, He from a cart was pilfor’d for his wit By mob was pelted half a morning’s fpace, And rotten eggs befmear’d his yellow face ; The Cenfor then improv’d the lift’ning ifle, And held both parties in an artful fmile. ka A () At noftri proavi, Plautinos, & numeros & Laudavere fales, nimium patienter ufrumque, Nec dicam fiulte, mirati: fi modo, ego, w vos Scimus inurbanum lepido feponere ditto, _. Legitimumque fonum digitis callemus, & aure, (m) Ignotum tragica genus inveniffe Camene Dicitur, & plauflris vexiffe poemata The/pis + Qua canerent, agerentque perunti facibus ora.100 Taz ART or A (cribbling crew now pinching winter briags, That fpare no earthly nor no heav’nly things, é Nor churchpnor ftate, nor treafurers, nor kings. But blafphemy difpleafes abl the town; And for defying {cripture, law, and crown, ¢ Woolfton thould pay his fine, and lofe his gown, (2) It muft be own’d the journals try all ways To merit their refpective party’s praife : . They jar in every article from Spain ; A war thefe threaten, thofe a peace maintain: Tho’ lye they will, to give em all their due, In foreign matters, and domeftic too. Whoe’er thou art that would’ft a po/?-mzn write, Enquire all day, and hearken all the night. Sure Gazetteers, and writers of Courants, Might foon exceed th’ intelligence of France: To be out-done old England fhould refule, As in her arms, fo in ker public news ; But Poft hunc perfona, pallegue repertor honefta -Efchylus, © modicis inftravit pulpita tignis, Et docuit magnumyue /o ui, nitique cotkurno, Succefit vetur bis comadia, non fine multa Laude : fed in vitium libertas excidit, & vim Dignum lege regis lex eft accepta, choru/que Turpiter ebticuit, fublato jure noceudi. (2) Nal intentatum nofiri liquere poeta, Nec minimum meruere decus, vefligia Greca Aufi deferere, & celebrare dumeftica falta: Nec virtute foret, clarifve potentius armis, Quan,POLITICS, tos But truth is fcarce, the {cene of a¢tion large, And correfpondence an exceflive charge. (0) There are who fay no man can be a wit, Unlefs for Newgate or for Bedlam fit ; Let pampbleteers abufive latyr write, To thew a genius is to thew a fpite: That author’s works will ne’er be reckon’d good, Who has not been where Curl the printer ftood. (~) Alas poor me, you may my fortune guefs: I write, and yet humanity profefs: (Though nothing caa delight a modern judge, Without ill-nature and a private grudge), . T love the king, the queen, and royal race : 1 like the government, but want no place: 13 Too Quam lingua, Latium, fi non ofenderet unum- quemgue potarum lima labor, @ mora. — (0) Ingenium mifera quia fortunatius arte Credit, ow excludit fanos Helicone poctas Democritus ; bona pars non unguem ponere curat, Non barbam 3 —— --— . Nancifcetur enim pretium, nomenque poeta, Sitribus Anticyris caput infanabwe nunquan Tonfori Licino commiferit. (p) ~-O ego levus, Qui purgor bilem fub verni temporss horams Now alius facerct meliora poemata, Verums Nil tanti ef! : erge fungar vice cotis. acutum Reddere qua ferrum valet, exors ipfa fecandi; Munus & eficium, nil feribens ip/e, docebe, Unde102 Tut ART or Too low in life to be a juflice I, . And for 2 conftable, thank god ! too high > ‘Was never in a plot, my brain’s not burt.; I politics:to ‘poetry convert. ‘(q) A politician muft (as I have read) ‘Be furnith’d, in the firft place, with a head: A head well fill’d with Machiavelian brains, And ftuff’d with precedents of former reigns? Muft journals read, and Magna Charta quote, Bat aéts ftill wifer, if he fpeaks by mote: Learns well his leffon, and ne’er fears miftakest For ready- money ready-{peakers makes ; He muft inftruftions and credentials draw, Pay well the army, and protect the law: Give to his country what’s his country’s due, But firft help brothers, fons, and coufins too. He muft read Grotius upon war and peace, And the twelve judges falary increafe. He muft oblige old friends and new allies, And find out ways and means for freth /upplies. He Unde parentur opes; guid alat formetque poctam: Qurd deceat. quid non: quovirtus. quo ferat error. (4) Scribendi retle, Japere eff & principium, & fons: Rem tibs Soratice poterant oftendere charte ; Verbaque provifam rem non invita fequentur. Qui didicit, patria quid debeat, & quid amicis : Quo fit amore parens, quo frater amandus, @ bofpes, Quod fit conferipti, quod judicis eficiums $e artesPOLITICS. 10g He muft the weavers grievances redrefs, And merchants wants in merchants words exprels. (#) Dramatic poets that exped the bays, Should cull our hiftories for party plays; Wickfort’s ambaffador fhould fill their head, And the flate-trials carefully be read: For what is Dryden’s mufe and Otway’s plots To th’ earl of Effex or the queen of Scots? (q) ’Tis faid that gueen Elizabeth could fpeak, At twelve years old, right Attic full-mouth’d Greek? Hence was the, ftudent fore’d at Greek to drudge, If he would be a bifhop, or a judge. Divines and lawyers now don’t think they thrive, ’Till promis’d places of men ftill alive : How Partes in bellum miffi ducis, ille profecto Reddere perfone [cit convenientia cuique. (0) Refpicere exemplar vita, morumgue jubebo Doétum imtitatorem, @ veras hinc ducere voces. Fabula nullius Veneris, fine pondere & arte, Valdius chleGat populum, meliu/que moratur, Quam verfusinopes rerum, nugeque canora, (q) Graiis ingenium, Graiis dedit ore rotundo Mufa togui ec. Romani pueri longis rationibus affem Difcunt in part scentum diducere : dicat Filius urbani, fi de quincunce remota eft Uncia, quid fupereft ? poteras dixiffe, triens itt ! 68104 THe ART or How old is fach a one in fuch a pot? . The anfwer is, he’s feventy-five «lmoft : Th’ archbifhop, and the matter of the rolls? Neither is young, and one’s as old as Paul’s. ‘Will men, that afk fuch queftions, publith books, Like learned Hooker’s, or chief-ju/tice Cook's ? (r) On tender fubjects with difcretion touch, And never fay too little, or too much. , On trivial matters flourifhes are wrong, Motions for candles never fhould be long: - Or if you move, in cafe of fudden rain, To thet the windows, fpeak diftin@ and plaia. Unlefs you talk good Englith dowa-right fenfe, Can you be underftood by ferjeant Speuce? (s) New ftories always fthould with truth agree, Or truth’s half-fifter, probability : Scarce could Toft’s rabbits, and pretended throws, On half the honourable houfe impofe. (4) When Rem poteris fervare tuam. —— Redit uncia ; quid fit ? Semi: ; at hac animos erugo, & cura peculi Cum femel imbuerit ; fperamus carmina fingi Polfe linenda cedro, & levi fervanda cuprefo ? (r) Quicquid pracipies, efto brevis, ut cito dita Percipiant animi dociles, teneantque fideies Omne fupervacuum pleno de peffore manat, (5) Fila voluptatis caufa, fint proxima veris + Nec quodcungue volet, pofcat fiti fabula credi: Neu pranfe Lamia vivum puerum extrahat aloo, (t) CenturiePOLITICS, los (#) When Cato fpeaks, young Shallow runs away, And {wears it is fo dull he cannot ftay: When rakes begin on blafphemy to border, Bromley and Hanmer cry aloud—Te erder. The point is this, with manly fenfe and cafe T’ inform the judgment, and the fancy pleafe. Praife it deferves, nor difficult the thing, At once to ferve one’s country and one’s king. Such fpeeches bring the wealthy Tonfon’s gain. From age to age they minuted remaio, g As precedents for George the twentieth’s reign. (#) Is there a man on earth fo perfe& found, Who ne’er miftook a werd in fenfe or found ? Not blund’ring bot perfifting is the fault No mortal fin is /ep/us lingue thonght + Clerks may miftake ; confid’ring who tis from, I pardon little flips in Gler. Dom Com. But. let me tell you, I’ll not take his part, If ev'ry Thurfday he date Die Mart. 7 (t) Centurie feniorum agitant expertia frugis ; Celfi pretereunt aufiera posmata Rhamnes, Omne tulit pundlum, qui mifcwit utile dulci, Leforem delefando, paritergque monendos Hic meret ara liber Sofiis, hic & mare tranfit, Et longum ncto fcriptori proregat eum. (#) Stent delitta tamen, quibus ignovi{’s velimus ; Non femper feriet quodcungue mirabitur arcus + Verum ubi plura nitent in carmine, nonege paucis Offendar maculis, quas aut incuria fudit, rn wl106 Tue ART or Of fpute’ring mortals ’tis the fatal curfe, By mending blunders ftill to make ’em worfe. Men focer when——gets a lucky thought, And ftare if Wyndham fhould Le nodding caught. But fleeping’s what the wileft men may do, Should the committee chance to &t ‘till two. (x) Not unlike paintings, principles appear, Some beft at diftance, fome when we are neare The love of politics fo vulgar’s grown, ; My landlord’s party’frem his fign is known: Mark of French wine, fee Ormond’s head. appear, While Marib’rough’s face directs to beer and beer = Some Buchanan's, the Pope’s-head fome like beft, The Devil Tavern is a ftanding jeft. (7) Whoe'er Aut humana parum'cavit natura: quid ergo? Ut feriptor fi peccat, idem librarius ufque, Quamvis eft monitus, venia caret : ut citharedus Ridetur, churda qui femper oberrat cadem : Sic mibi qui muitum ceffat, fi Gherilus tlle, Quiem bis terque bonum cum rifu miror ; & idem Indignor, quandoque bonus dormitat Homerus ; Verum opere in longo fas eft obrepere fomnum. (x) Ut pidtura pocfis erit, qua, fi propius fles, Te capiat magis: & quedam, fi longius abfies ; Hac amet obfcurum, volet hac fub luce videri ; Hae placuit femel; hac decies repetita Beg iePOLITICS. 107 (7) Whoe’er you are that have a feat fecure, Duly return’d, and from petition (ure, Stick to your friends in whatfue’er you fay ; With ftrong averfion fhuo the middle way : The middle-way the beft we fometimes call But ’tis in politics no way at all. A trimmer’s what both parties turn to fport, By country hated, and defpis’d at court. Who would in earneft to a party come, Muft give his vote, not whimfical, but plumb. There is no medium: for the term in vogue On either fide is, honeft man, or rogue. Can it be difficult our minds to thow, Where all the difference is Yes, or No? (z) In all profeffions, time and pains give fkilf; Without hard ftudy, dare phyficians kill ? Can he that ne’er read ftatutes or reports, Give chamber-counfel, or urge law in courts? But (y) 0 major Juvenum ———hoc tibi diffum Tolle memor certis medium, o tolerabile rebus Relts concedi, —— - Mediccribus effe poetis Non bomines, nin Dii, non conc :{fere columnea. Sic, animis natum inventumque peema juvandis, Si paulum a fummo difeefit, vergit ad imum. (2) Ludere gui nefcit, campeltribus abjtinet armiss Indottufq ce pile, dilcive. trochive, quicfcit, Ne fpiffe rifum tollart impune corone. Qui nzfcit, verfis tamen audet fingert.— Quid ae iber108 Tut ART oF But ev'ry whipfter knows affairs of ftate, Nor fears on nicelt fubjeéts to debate, A koight of eighteen hundred pounds a-year— Who minds his head, if his eftate be clear? Sure he may fpeak his mind, and tell the hou/e, He matters not the government a loufe, Lack learoing knights, thefe things are fafely faid ‘To friends in private, at the Bedford head = But in the 4ou/e, before your tongue runs on, Confult Sir James, lord William’s dead and gone. Words to recal is in no member’s power, One fiagle word may fend you to the Tower. (7) The wrong’d to help, the lawiefs to reftrain, Thrice ev’ry year, in ancient Egbert’s reign, The members to the Mitchelgemot went, In after ages call'd the parliament ; Early the Mitchelgemot did begin T’ enroll their ftatutes on a parchment fkin : For Liber, & ingenuns, prefertim cenfus equefirem Summam nummorum. vitiogue remutu ab omni. Membranis intus pofitis delere lice bit, Quod non edid-riss nefcit vox miffa reverti. (7) Sylocfires homines, [acer ivterprefque Deorum Cadibus, & vittu fade deterruit Orpheus ; — Fuit hec fapientia quondam Publica privatis fecernere, facra profenis : CancubituPOLITICS. Tog For impious treafon, hence no foam was left, For murder, for polygamy, or theft : Since when the fenate’s power both fexes know, From hops and claret, foap and callico, Now wholefome laws young fenators bring in, Gainkt goals, attornies, bribery and gin, Since fuch the nature of the Britih ftate, The power of parliam:nt fo old and great, Ye "quires and Irifh lords, ’tis worth your care To be return’d for city, town, or fhire, 2 By theriff, bailiff, conftable, or mayor, 5 (z) Seme doubt, which to a feat has beft pretence, A man of fubftance, 6r a man of fenfe: But never any member feats will do, Without a head piece, and a pocket too; Senfe is requir’d the depth of things to reach, And money gives authority to {peech. K (2) A Concnbitu prohibere vago, dare jura maritis s Oppida molirt, leges incidere ligns. Dide per carmina fortes, Et vite monflrata via eft, 7 gratia regum Pieriis tentata modis: ludufque reperius, °* Et lougarum operum finis. ——~— ne forte pudoré Sit tibi Mufa lyra folers, @ cantor Apollo. (2) Natura fizret laudabile carmen, an arte, Que fitum eft. Ego nec fiudium fi divite vena, Nec rude guid frofit video ingenium ; alterius fic Altera pofcit «pem res, & conjurat amice (e) Quetro . Tux ART er (4) A man of bus’nefs won't ’till ev’ning dine,’ Abftains from women, company, and wine : From Fig’s new theatre he'll ‘mifs a night, Tho’ cocks, and bulls, and Irith women fight : Nor fultry funs, nor ftorms of foaking rain, "The man of bus’nefs from the boufe detain : Nor {peaks he for no reafon but to fay, Iam a member, and 1 {poke to-day. I {peak fometimes, you'll hear his lordthip cry, Becaufe fome {peak that have lefs fenfe than I. (4) The man that has both land and money too, May wonders in a trading borough do: They'll praife his ven’fon, anf! command his port, Turn their two former members into fport, And, if he likes it, fatyrize the court. But at a feaft tis difficult to know From real friends an undifcover’d foe ; The (4) Qui fludet optatam curfu contingere metam, Multa tulit, fecitque puer ; fudavit & alfit: Abflinuit Venere & vino, Nunc fatis eft dixiffe : Ego mira poemata pangos . Occupet extremum [cabies; mibi turpe relingui efi; Et quod non didici fane nefcire fateri. (8) “Afintatores jubet ad lucrum ire Poeta, Dives agris, dives pofitis in fenere nummis ; Si vero eff unftum qui vette poncre pofit, Et fpondere levi pro paupere, & eripere arftis Litibus implicitum : mirabor, fi eiet inter- nofcere mendacem, verumque beatus amicum. Tu feu donaris, fou quid donare velis cui, ~ NolitoPOLITICS. 11 The man that {wears he will the poll fecure, And pawns his foul that your eledtion’s fure, Sufpe@ that man: beware, all is not rights He’s, ten to one, a corporation bite. (¢) Alderman Pend, a downright honeft man, Would fay, I cannot help you, or I can: To {pend your money, fir, is all a jeft ; Matters are fettled, fet your heart at reft : We've made a compromife, and, Sir, you know, That fends one member Sigh, and t’other /ow. But if his good advice you would not take, He'd fcora your fupper, and your punch forfake : Leave you of mighty intereft to brag, And poll two voices like Sir Robert Fag. (4) Parliamenteering is a fort of itch, That will too oft unwary knights bewitch, Ka Two Nolito ad verfus tibi faltos ducere plenum Letitia : clamabit enim, pulchre! bene! reGtel ——— fi carmina condes, Nunquam te fallant animi fub vulpe latentes. (¢) Quintilio fiquid recitares, corrige, fodes; Hoc, aiebat, o hoc: melius te poffe negares Bis, terque expertam fruflra delere jubebat. Si defendere delittum, quam vertere, malles, Nullumultraverbum,aut operam, fumebat inanem, Quin fine rivaliteque, & tua folus amares. (4) Ut, mala quem feabies, aut morbus regius urget— dicam Siculique pocte Narrabe am3 THe ART or ‘Two good eftates Sir Harry Clodpole fpent ; Stood thrice, but fpoke not once, in parliament : Two good eftates are gone—who’ll take his word? Oh! fhould his uncle die, he’d {pend a third: He'd buy a houfe, his happinefs to crown, Within a mile of fome good borough town; ‘ Tag, rag, and bobtail to Sir Harry’s run, Men that have votes, and women that have none: Sons, daughters, grandfons, with his honour dines He keeps a public houfe without a fign. Coblers and fmithe extol th” enfuing choice, - And drunken taylors boaft their right of voice. Deasly the free-born neighbourhood is bought, They never leave him while he’s worth a groat = So Leeches Rick, nor quit the bleeding wound, Till off they drop with tkinfuls to the ground. Narrabo interitum. Nec femel hoc fecit, nec, firetradius erit, jam Fiet homo, aut ponet famofe mortis amorem, Induffum deflumque fugat recitater acerbus s Quem vero arripuit, tenet, occiditque legendo, Nou miffura cutem, nifi plena cruoris, biruda. FuUINIS.THE ART or PREACHING; In IMITATION oF H OR A C B’S ART or POET RY. (2) HOULD fome ftrange post, in his piece, affect Pope’s nervous ftile, with Ward’s low puns be-deck’d; Prink Milton’s true fablime, with Swift’s true wit 5 And Blackmore’s gravity with Gay’s conccit ; Would you not laugh? truft me that prieft’s as bad, Who in a ftile now grave, now raving mad, Gives the wild whims of dreaming {choolmen vent, Whilft drowfy congregations nod affeot. K 3 (4) The (4) Humano capiti cervicem pitfor equinam Jungere fi velit, & varias inducere plunas, Undique collatis membris, ut turpiter atrum Definat in pifcem, mulier formofa fuperne x Spetatum admiffi rifum teneatis amici? Credite, Pifones, sftitabule fore litrum Perfimilem —-—14 Tur ART or (4) The priefts, ’tis true, have always been allow’d To teach religion, and ‘tis fit they fhou'd ; _ But in that facred name when they difpence Flat contradidions to all common fenfe ; Tho’ fools and bigots wonder and believe, The wife ’tis not fo eafy to deceive. ({c) Some take a text fublime, and fraught with fenfe, 7 Bat quickly fall into impertinence. On trifles eloquent, with great delight They flourith out on fome ftrange myftic rite; Clear up the darknefs of fome ufelefs text, Or make fome crabbed paffage more perplext : But to fubdue the paffions, or direct, And all life’s moral duties, they neglect. (2) Moft preachers err (except the wiler few), Thinking eftablith’d doGtrines, therefore, true : (¢) Others too fond of novelty and {chemes, Amufe the world with airy idle dreams: (¢) Others $) ——-——-——- ——pifforibus atque poetis Quidlibet audendi femper fuit equa poteftas——~ Sed non ut placidis coeant immitia——— (c) Inceptis gravibus plerumque, @ magna profefis— {d) Maxima pars vatum G Decipimur [pecie refi—— (¢) Qui variare cupit rem prodigaliter unam, Delphinum filvis appingit, fluGibus aprum. ( f) InPREACHING, irs (f) Thus too much faith, or too prefuming wit, Are rocks where bigots, or free. thinkers fplit. (g) The very meaneft dabler at Whitehall, Can rail at Papifts, or poor Quakers maul ; But when of fome great truth he aims to preach, Alas! he finds it far beyond his reach. (4) Young deacons try your ftrength, and ftrive to find & fubjeé fuited to your turn of mind ; Method and words are eafily your own, Or fhould they fail you—fteal from Tillotfon. (#) Much of its beauty, ufefulnefs, and force, Depends on rightly timing a difcourfe. Before the l—ds or c—m—ns—far from nice, Say boldly— Brid’ry is a dirty vice— But quickly check yourfelf—and with a fheer— Of which this honourable houfe is clear. (4) Great Sf) In vitium ducit culpa fu z, fi caret arte, &) Emilium circa ludum faber imus, & ungues Exprimet, & malles imitabitur are capillos ; Jofelix operis fumma, quia ponere totum efciet. (4) Sumite materiam veftris, qui fcribitis, equam Viribus— (i) Ovdinis hac virtus erit, & Venus, aut ego fallor, Ut jam nunc dicat, jam nunc debentia dici Pleraque differat ; et prafens in tempus omy Te116 _Tus ART oF (4) Great is the work, and worthy of the gown, Yo bring forth hidden truths, and make them known: Yet in all new opinions have a care, Truth is too {trong for fome weak minds to bear: (/) And are new dodtiines taught, or old reviv’d, Let them from fcripture plainly be deriv’d. (m) Barclay or Baxter, wherefore do we blame For innovations, yet approve the fame In Wickliffe and in Calvin? Why are thefe Call’d wife reformers? Thofe mad f{eétaries ? 'Tis moft unjuft: (#) men always bad a right, And ever will, to think, to fpeak, to write Their various minds; yet facred ought to be The public peace, as private liberty. (°) Opinions (4) In verbis etiam tenuis cautufque ferendis—— (1) Et nova fiftaque nuper habebunt verba fidem, fi Greco fonte cadant, parce detorta. (») — ———- ——- Quid autem Cacilio, Plautogue, dabit Romanos, ademptum Virgilio, Variogue ?. (2) ———— Licuit, femperque licebit, Siguatum prafcnte nota procudere nomen, (0) UtPREACHING. "7 (0) Opinions are like leaves which every year Now flourifh green, now fall and difappear. Once the Pope’s bulls could terrify his foes, Aad kneeling princes kifs’d his facred toes; Now he may damn, or curfe, or what he will, There's not a prince in chiiftendom will kneel. Reafon now reigns, and by her aid we hope Truth may revive, and fickening error droop: She the fole judge, the rule, the gracious light Kind heaven has leat to guide our minds aright. (p) States to embroil, and faction to difplay, In wild harapgues, Sacheverel fhow’d the way. (g) The fun’ral fermon, when it firft began, Was us’'d to weep the lofs of fome good mans Now any wretch, for one {mall piece of gold, Shall have fine praifes from the pulpit fold : But whence this cuftom rofe, who can decide? From pricftly av’rice? or from humane pride? . (r) Truth (0) Ut Sylve foliis pronos mutantur in annos— (p) Res-gelae regumque, dusumque, @ trifia bella, Quo fcribi poffent numero, monj-ravit Homerus. (y) Verfibus impariter junttis querimonia primum, Poff etiam inslufa eft voti fententia compos: Quis tamen exiguos eleges emiferit audtor, Grammatici certant, o adkuc fub judice lis eft. (r) Mula118 Tas ART or (r) Truth, moral virtue, piety, and peace, Are noble fubjects, and the pulpit grace: But zeal for trifles arm’d imperious Laud, His power and cruelty the nation aw’d. (s) Why was he honour’d with the name of prieft, And greateft made, unworthy to be leaft, Whole zeal was fury, whofe devotion pride, Power his great god, and intereft his fole guide? (#) To touch the paffione let your ftile be plains The praife of virtue afks a higher ftrain : Yet fometimes the pathetic may receive The atmoft force that eloquence can give ; As fometimes, in elogiums, ’tis the art, With plain fimplicity to win the heart. (x) ’Tis not enough that what you fay is true, To make us feel it, you muft feel it too: Show your felf warm’d, and that will warmth impart To every hearer’s fympathizing heart. When (r) Mufa dedit fidibus Divos, puerofgue Deorum— Archilocum proprio rabies armavit Tambo. —— (3) Cur ego, fi nequeo, ignorogue, poeta falutor ? Cur nefeire. uam difeere malo ? (t) Verfibus exponi tragicis res comica non vult.— Interdam tamen & vocem comedia tollit ;— Et tragicus plerumque dolet fermone pedefiri ; (2) Non fatis eff pulchra effe poemata— ww ——— male fi mandata loqueris AutPREACH IN G 119 When honeft Fofter virtue does enforce, All give attention to the warm difcourfe : But who a cold, dull, lifelefs, drawling keeps, One half his audience laughs, the other fleeps. (x) In cenfuring vice be earneft and fevere ; In ftating dubious points concife and clear ; Anger requires ftern looks and threatening ftile ; Bat paint the charms of virtue with a {mile. Thefe different changes common fenfe will teach, And we expeét them from you if you preach; For fhould your manner differ from your theme, Or on quite different fubjeéts be the fame, Defpis’d and langh’d at, you muft travel down, And hide fuch talents in fome country town. (y) It much concerns a preacher firft to learn The genius of his audience, and their turn. Amongft the citizens be grave and flow; Before the nobles let fine periods flow; The Temple church afks Sherlock’s fenfe and kill ; Beyond the tow’r—no matter—what you will. (y) Ta Aut dormitabo, aut ridebe. {*) —-—— —Triflia meflum Vultum verba decent , iratum, plena minarum ; Ludentem, lafciva ; feoerum, feria diffu. Format enim natura prius nos intus ad omnem Fortunarum habitum : (y) Intererit multum divufne loquatur an heros —~ (z) Famam120 Tus ART or (z) In facts or notions fetch’d from facred writ Be orthodox, nor cavil to fhow wit: * (4) Or if your daring genius is fo bold To teach new doéttines, or to cenfure ol4, With care proceed ; you tread a dangerous path ; Error eftablith’d grows eftablith’d faith. Tis eafier much, and much the fafer rule To teach in pulpit what you learnt at fchool ; With zeal defend whate’er the church believes, If you expect to thrive, or wear lawn-fleeves. (4) Some lgudly blufter, and confign to hell All who dare doubt one word or fyllable Of what they call the faith ; and which extends To whims and trifles without ufe or ends: (c) Sure ’tis much nobler, and more like divine, T’ enlarge the path to heaven, than to confine: Infitt alone-on ufeful points, or plain ; And know, God cannot hate a virtuous man. (d) If (z) Faram fequere (4) Si quid inexpertum cena commitlis, & andes Perjonam formare novam ;——— tuque Re&ius Hiacum carmen deducts in aOus-— (6) Nec fic incipies, ut feriptor Cyclieus olim— (¢) Quanto rettius hie (d) 7%,PREACH IN G Tar (4) If you expect or hope that we fhould ftay Your whole difcourfe, nor ftrive to flink away ; Some venial faults there are you muft avoid "To every age and circumftance ally’d. (¢) A pert young ftudent juft from college brought, With many little pedantries is fraught : Reafons with fyllogifm, perfuades with wit, Quotes fcraps of Greek inftead of facred writ ; Or deep immers’d in politic debate, Reforms the church, and guides the tottering ftate. (ff) Thofe trifles which maturer age forgot, Now fome good benefice employs his thought ; He feeks a patron, and will foon incline To all his notions civil or divine ; Studies his principles both night and day, And as that {cripture guides, muft preach and pray. L (f) Av’rice (4) Tu, quid ego & populus mecum defideret, audi ; Si plauforis eges aulea manentis, @ ufque Seffuri, donec cantor, vos plaudite, dicat ; Aitatis cujufque notandi funt tibi mores—— (¢) Reddere qui voces jam {cit puer-—— (f) Gonverfis fudiis, etas animujfque virilis Quearit opes, & amicitiss :— Cf) Malta122 Tue ART or (g) Av’rice and age creep on: his reverend mind Begins to grow right reverendly inclin’d. Power and preferment ftill fo fweetly call, The voice of heaven is never heard at all: Set but a tempting bifhopric in view, He’s ftri@ly orthodox and loyal too; With equal zeal defends the church and ftate, And infidels and rebels thare his hate. (4) Some things are plain, we can’t mifunderftand; Some ftill obfcure, tho® thoufands have explain’d : Thofe influence more which reafon can conceive, Than fuch as we thro’ faith alone believe ; é In thofe we judge, in thefe you may deceive: But what too deep in myftery is thrown, The wifett preachers chufe to let alone. How Adam’s fault affe&ts all human kiad; How three is one, and one is three combin’d ; How certain prefcience checks not future will ; And why almighty goodnefs fuffers ill ; Such points as thefe lie far too deep for man, Were never well explain’d, nor ever can. (4) 1 (g) Multa fenem circumveniunt (4) Aut agitur res in feenis, aut afta refertur s Segnius irritaut animos demiffa per aurem, Quam qua funt oculis fubjefa fidelibus, & qua Ipfe fidi tradit Spefator. — — in avem Procue vertutur, Cadmus iz anguem, * Qucdeunque oflendis mibi fic, incredulus odi. (4) NevePREACH IN G 123 (4) If paftors more than thrice five minutes preach, Their fleepy flocks begin to yawn and ftretch, (4) Never prefume the name of God to briag As facred finétion to a trifling thing. (/) Before, or after fermon, hymns of praife Exalt the foul, and true devotion raife. In fongs of wonder celebrate his name, Who fpread the ikies, and built the fturry frame: Or thence defcending view this globe below, And pruife the fource of every biifs we know. (m) In ancient times, when heaven was to be prais'd, Our humble anceftors their voices rais’d, And hymns of thanks from grateful bofoms flow’d, For ills prevented, or for good beftow’d: But as the church increas’d in power and pride, The pomp of found the want of fenfe fupply’d 5 Majeftic organs then were taught to blow, And plaio religion grew a raree-fhow : La Majettic (i) Neve minor, neu fit quinto prodafior alu Fabula.—— (4) Nec Deus interfit, nifi dignus vindice nodus Inciderit : — (4) Mforis partes chirus, oficiumgque virile, Defendat (m)_ Tibia non, ut nunc, orichalco vinta, tubeguz fimula ; fed tenuis, fimplexgue Poftquam cepit agros extendere viftor, & urbem Latior ampledi murus, vinoque diurno Placari124 Tus ART or Strange ceremonious whims, a numerous race, Were introduc’d, in troth’s and virtue’s place. Myfterious turnpikes block up heaven’s bigh-way, And, for a ticket, we our reafon pay. (n) Thefe fuperftitions quickly introduce Contempt, negleé, wild fatire, and abufe ; Religion and its priefts, by every fool, Were thought a jeft, and turn’d to ridicule. Some few indeed found where the medium lay, And kept the © coat, but tore the fringe away. (c) OF preaching well if you expe& the fame, Let truth and virtue be your firft great aim. Your facred funtion often call to mind, And think how great the truft to teach mankind, ’Tis yours in ufeful fermons to explain, Both what we owe to God, and what to man. Tis yours the charms of liberty to paint, His country’s love in every breaft to plant ; Yours Placari genius feflis impune diebus . Acceffit numerisque mo lifque licentia major. Indottus quid enim faperet, liberque laborum Rufticus, urbano confufus, turpis hen flo? (2) Mox etiam agreftis Satyros nudavit, & afper Incolumi gravitate jocum tentavit («) Seribendi refe, fapere et' & principium & fons. Qui diaicit Patrie quid debeat, & quid Amicis ; * Vide Martin in the Tale of a Tub. (p) CenturiaPREACH IN G 125 Yours every focial virtue to improve, Jaftice, forbearance, charity, and love ; Yours too the private virtues to augment, Of prudence, temperance, modefty, content ¢ When fuch the man, how amiable the prieft! Of all mankind the worthieft, and the beft. (p) Ticklith the point, I grant, and hard to find, To pleafe the various tempers of maokind. Some love you fhould the crabbed points explain, Where texts with texts a dreadful war maintaju : Some love a new, and fome the beaten path, Morals pleafe fome, and others points of faith ; But he’s the mano, he’s the admir’d divine, Io whofe difcourfes truth and virtue join ; Thefe are the fermons which will ever live, By thefe our Tonfons and our Knaptons thrive ; How fuch are read, and prais’d, and how they fell, Let Barrow’s, Clarke’s, and Butler’s fermons tell. (7) Preachers fhould either make us good or wife, Him that does neither who but muft defpife ? If all your rules are ufeful, fhort, and plain, We foon hall learn them, and fhall long retain 5 But if on trifles you harangue, away We turn our heads, and laugh at all you fay. L3 (r) Bat (p) Centuria feniorem agitant expertia frugis ; Celfi pretereunt auflera poemata Ramnes. Omne tulit puntlum qui mifcuit utile dulci. LeGorem delettando, pariterque monendo.— (q) Aut prodeffe velunt, aut delettare poeta — Fat124 Tue ART er (r) But priefts are men, and men are prone to err, On common failings none fhould be fevere; All are not mafters of the fame good fenfe, Nor bleft- with equal powers of eloquence, *Tis true: and errors with an honeft mind, Will meet with eafy pardon from mankind ; But who perfifts in wrong with haughty pride, Him all moft cenfure, many will deride, "G) Yet few are judges of a fine difcourfe, Can fee its beauties, or can feel its force; With like indulgence fome attentive fit, To fober reafoning, and to fhallow wit. What then? Becaufe your audience moft are fools, Will you negleé all methods, and all rules? Or fince the pulpit is a facred place, W here none dare contradict you to your face, Will you prefume to tell a thoufand lies? Af fo, we may forgive, but muft defpile, (t) In jingling Bev’ridge if I chance to fee One word of fenfe, I prize the rarity : But {r) Sunt delifla tamen, quibus ignoviffe velimus— (1) Nox quivis videt immodulata poemata judex.— *(t) Sic mihi, qui multum ceffat, fit Cherilus ille, Quem bis terve bonum, cum rifu, miror 3 & idem . IndignorPREACH IN G. 137 But if in Hooker, Sprat, or Tillotfon, A thought unworthy of themfelves is fhown, I grieve to fee it ; but "tis no furprife : The greateft men are not at all times wile. (4) Sermons, like plays, fome pleafe us at the ear, But never will a ferious reading bear ; Some in the clofet edify enough, That from the pulpit feem’d but forry ftuff. ’Tis thus: there are who by ill preaching fpoil Young’s pointed fenfe, or Atterbury’s ftile; While others, by the force of elequ-nce, Make that feem fine, which {carce is common fenle. (x) In every fcience, they that hope to rife, Set great examples {till before their eyes. Young lawyers copy Murray where they can; Phyficians Mead, and furgeons Chefelden : But all will preach, without the leaft pretence To virtue, learning, art, or eloquence. Why not ? you cry : they plainly fee, no doubt, A prieft may grow right reverend without. (x) Preachers Indigner; quandogue bonus dormitat Hemerus, Verum opere in longo fas eft obrepere fomnum. (4) Ut Pidtura, poefis erit : qua. fi propius fles, Te capiet magis ; & quedam, fi longius abftes. (x) Ludere qui nefcit, campeftribus abflinet armis:— Qui nefcit verfustamen audet fingere. Quid ni? (y) —oa—Fait538 Furs ART or () Preachers and preaching were at firit defign’d For common benefit to all mankind. Public and private virtues they explsin’d, To goodnefs courted, and from vice reftrain’d : Love, peace, and union breath’d in each difcourfe, And their examples gave their precepts force. From thefe good men, the priefts, and all their line, Were honour’d with the title of divine. But foon their proud fucceffors left this path, Forfook plain morals for dark points of faith ; Till creeds on creeds the warring world inflam’d, And all mankind, by different priefts, were damo’d. (z) Some afk which is th’ effential of a prieft, Virtue or learning? What they afk’s a jelt; We daily fee dull loads of reverend fat, Without pretence to either this or that. But who like Hough or Hoadley hopes to thine, Mutt with great learning real virtue join. (2) He — —— Fuit bec fapientia quendam, T'ublica privatis fecernere, facra profanis Concubitu pr ohibere wage, dare jura maritis ; Oppida moltri ; leges jncidere ligno —— —— Sic honor & nomen divinis vatibus, atque Carminibus venit,—— ——Poft hos ———— —— Animes intriftia bella Perfibus exacuit. (x) Natara feret Jaudabile carmen, an arte, Quefitune eft. (4) QuiPR ELAC HIN G. 129 (2) He who by preaching hopes to raife a name, To no finall excellence direts his aim. On every noted preacher he muft wait; The voice, the look, the action imitates And when complete ia ftile and eloquence, Moff then crown all with learning and good fenfe. But fome with lazy pride difgrace the gown, And never preach one fermon of their own ; °Tis eafier to tranfcribe than to compofe, So all the week they eat, and drink, and doze, (4) As quacks with lying puffs the papers fill, Or hand their own praife in a pocky bill, Where empty boalts of much fuperior fenfe, Draw from the cheated crowd their idle pence So the great Henlcy hires for half a crown, y A quack advertifement to tell the town, g Of fome ftrange point to be difputed on ; Where all who love the {cience of debate, May hear themfelves, or other coxcombs prate. (¢) When dukes or noble lords a chaplain hire, They firft of his capacities enquire. . If (2) Qui fludit optatam curfu contingere mettam, Multa tulit fecitque puer ; fudavit & alfit—— (5) Ut preco, ad merces turbam qui cogil emendas.me (¢) Reges dicuntur multis urgere culullis, Et torquere mero, quem per/pexiffe laborant,130 - Tre ART oF, oe, If ftoutly qualify’d to drink and fmoke, If not too nice to bear an impious joke ; If tame enough to be the common jett, This is a chaplain to his lordhhip’s tafle, (4) If bards to Pope indifferent verfes fhow, He is too honeft not to tell them fo. This is obfcure, he cries, and this too rough, Thefe tritling, or fuperfluous ; ftrike them off. , . How ufeful every word from fuch a friend ! é t But parfons are too proud their works to mend, And every fault with arrogince defend : Thick them too facred to be criticis’d, And rather chufe to let them be defpis'\d. =. (¢) He that-ie wife will not prefume to laugh At priefts, or church affairs ; it is not fafe. Think there exifts, and let it check your fport, That dreadful monfter call’d a fp’ritual court. Tnto whofe crucl jaws if once you fall, In vain, alas ! ia vain, for aid you call: Clerks, prodtors, priefts, voracious round you ply, Like lecches fticking till they’ve fuck’d you dry. An fit amicitia dignus: -— (4) Vir bonus & prudens, verfus reprehendet inertes — ———ambitiofu recidet Ornamenta ; parum claris lucem dare ciget :—— (¢) Ut, mala quem feabies aut morbus regius urg:t, Aut fanaticus error, @ iracunda Diana, Vefanum tetegiffe timent, fugiuntque poctam, Qui fapiunt :— Quem vero arripuit, tenet, oeciditque legendo, Aon miffera cutem rift plena cruoris hiruddeTHE ART or COOKERY; In IMITATION oF “HORA C BE’S ART or POETRY. WITH SOME LETTER S5 T oO - Dre LISTER, anp OTHERS, Gt.C 133 THE PU BLIS HER R EA DER, T is now a days the hard fate of fuch as pre- tend to be authors, that they are not permit. “ ted to be maflers of their own works, for if fuch Papers (however imperfect) as may be called a copy of them, either by a fervant, or any other means come into the hands of a bookfeller, he never confiders whether it be for the’ perfon’s re- putation to come intu the world, whether it is agreeable to his fentiments, whether to his ftile or correctnefs, or whether he has for fome time looked over it; nor doth he care what name or character he puts to it, fo he imagines be ‘may get by it. , It was the fate of the following poem to be fo ufed, and printed with as much imperfection, and as many miftakes, as a bookfeller that has common feafe could imagine fhould pafs upon the town, efpecially in an age fo polite. and cri- tical as the prefent. Thefe following letters and poem were at the prefs fome time before the other paper pre- tending to the fame title had crept out: And they had elfe, as the learned fay, groaned .under the prefs ii]l fuch time as the fheets had one by one been perufed and corrected, not oly by the M aurhor,134 Toe PUBLISHER Ge. author, but his friends, whofe judgment as he is fenfible he wants, fo heis proud to own that they fometimes condefcend to afford him. For, many faults that at firft feem f{mall, yet create unpardonable errors, when the number of the verfe turns upon the harfhnefs of a fyllable, and the laying ftrefs upon improper words, will make the moft correct piece ridiculous: Falfe concord, tenfes and grammar, nonfenfe, impro- priety and confufion, may go down with fame perfons; but it fhould not be in the power of a bookfeller to lampoon an author, and tell him you did write all this; I have got it, and you thall ftand to the fcandal, and 1 will have the benefit: Yet: this is the prefent cafe, notwith- ftanding there are above threefcore faults of this nature, verfes tranfpofed, fome added, others al- tered, and near forty omitted. The author does not valne himfelf upon the whole; but if he fhews.his efteem for Horace, and can by any means provoke perfons to read fo ufeful a trea- tife; if he thews his averfion to the introduction of luxury, which may tend to the corruption of manners, and declare his love to the old Britifh hofpitality, charity and valour, when the arms of the family, the old pikes, mufkets and halberds were hung up in the hall over the Jong table, when themarrow-bones lay on the floor, and Chevy Chace, and the old Courtier of the Queen, weré placed over the carved mantle-piece, and the beef and brown-bread were carried every day to the poor, he defires little farther, than that the reader would for the future give all fuch book- | fellers as are before {poke of no manner of en- couragement. ' LETTERSC3135 27 LE T T ERS _ To Dr LISTER, and OTHERS. To Mt ——=. Dear Sir, Ts happinefs of hearing now and then from you extremely delights me; for, I mutt confefs, moft of my other friends are fo much taken up with politics, or fpeculations, that either their hopes,-or fears, give them little lei- fare to perufe fuch parts of learning as lie re- mote, and are fit only for the clofets of the cu- rious. How bleft are you at London, where you. have new books of a}! forts! whilft we at a greats er diftance, being deflitnte of fuch improve- ments, muft content ourfelves with the old ftore, and thumb the claffics, as if we were ne- yer to get higher than our Tully or our Virgil. You tantalize me only, when you tell me of the edition of a book by the ingenious Dr Lifter, which you fay is a treatife de condimentis & ope Soniis veterum, “ of the fauces and foups of the ancients,” as I takeit. Give me leave to ufe an expreffion, which, though vulgar, yet upon this oceafion is juft and proper, you have made my motth water, but have not fent me wherewithal to fatisfy my appetite. T have ruifed a thoufand notions to myfelf on- ly from the title: Where could fuch a treafure : M2 he136 LETTERS ro lie hid? What manufcripts have been collated? ° Under what emperor'was it wrote? Might it nat have been in the reign of Hehogabalus, who’ thongh vicious, and in fome things fantattical, - yet was not incurions in the grand affair of éat- ‘ing? . Confider, dear Sir, in what ugcertainties we muft remain at prefent; you know my neighbour Mr Creatorix is a learned antiquary ; I fhewed him your letter, which threw him into fuch a dubioufnefs, and indeed perplexity of mind, that the next day he durft not put any catchup in his fifo-fauce, nor have his beloved pepper, oil and limon with his partridge, left, before he had feen Dr Lifter’s book, he might tranfgrefs in ufing -fomething not common to the Ancients, * Difpatch it therefore to us with all fpeed, for -T expect wonders from it. Let me teil you; I~ hope, in the firft place, it will, in ome meafure, remove the barbarity of cur prefent education: : For what hopes can there be of any progrefs in learning, whilft our gentlemen fuffer their fons at Wellminfter, Eaton, and Winchelter to eat ‘nothing but falt with their mutton, and vinegar with their roaft beef upon holidays? What ex- tenfivenefs can there be in their fouls? Efpecial. ly, when upon their going thence to the uni- verfity, their knowledge in culinary matters is feldom enlarged, and their diet continues very ‘much the fame; and as to fauces they are in profound ignorance. Tt were to be withed therefore, that every fa- mily had a French tutor; for, befides his being groom, gardiner, butler, and valet, you would fee that he is endued with a greater accompli(h- ment; for, according to an ancient author, guot Galli, tutidem coqui, “ As many Frenchmen ag vou ave