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Gina Montano

OGL 481 - 87291

October 23, 2018

Module 2 - Personal Narrative

“All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us.” - J.R.R.

Tolkien, The Fellowship of the Ring

My name given to me at birth is Gina Nicolette Montaño. I was born on June 26th 1992

at St. Bernadine Medical Center in San Bernardino, California around two in the morning. I was

born a few weeks early only knowing this because my family all says my original due date was

the fourth of July! I was born to a woman who was severely addicted to drugs and alcohol.

According to my grandparents, the beginning days of my life were very rough. After I was born I

had to be put in an incubator for a couple weeks because I was experiencing such violent

withdrawals. I was one of those babies they talk about who shake uncontrollably due to

withdrawals from the drugs in their mother’s system.

Till this day, I am not one hundred percent sure if the police were ever involved with my

case or even remotely investigated my biological mom right off the bat. Throughout my life, the

stories about my infant days change a little bit but I know for a fact that my biological mother

was never meant to be a mother in the first place. I was her third child and considered the “least

favorite.” I have one older brother and one older sister whom I did not have much contact with

growing up. I do not know who my biological father is either. I don’t really care to go looking

for him now after all these years. After coming home from the hospital I stayed with my
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grandparents who watched over my mother, Michelle, and I. I believe that they made some kind

of negotiation in order to take me home and let me still be around that monster.

All the pictures that I’ve seen from when I was a baby are pretty depressing. I am

NEVER happy or smiling - more like always crying. I was also always afraid to be held and

picked up. Right around the time that I was four months old my grandparents took a trip to

Washington DC and left me home alone with Michelle. That should already warn you of what

might have happened next. At the time, my Aunt Donna and cousin Kristen, would come visit

my grandparents and come see me. My Aunt Donna claims that she knew something was very

wrong with her sister and that she was concerned about her children. She spoke with my

grandparents on several occasions asking with there was any way she could take care of me until

Michelle became clean. The answer was always no.

So, when they left on their vacation, my Aunt Donna came over to bring diapers and

found me unconscious in the bathtub. Michelle was strung out on something that caused her to

blackout in the living room so 911 was called and Michelle was arrested. Over the next few

months my Aunt Donna and Uncle John fought to have legal guardianship over me. My other

two siblings were allowed to stay with my grandparents and Michelle was in a court-mandated

rehab facility. Eventually, Donna and John received full-custody of me when I was about eight

months old and welcomed me into their family with loving arms. They both were previously

married so I gained four new sisters and three new brothers!

Because I was still a baby when they adopted me I grew up calling my aunt and uncle my

mom and dad because they rightfully are my parents. I have always treated them as such and I

considered all of my biological cousins to be my siblings. My Aunt Donna was an ER nurse and
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my dad is a stationary engineer and they adopted me they were in their early thirties. When I was

a toddler I can distinctly remember being terrified of the water (for good reason) and I had

separation anxiety from my mom (Donna). Seeing pictures of myself when I was a toddler and

child look much more happier than from when I was a baby. Birthdays and holidays were and

still are a huge deal in my family. It is such a wonderful time of year when everyone gets

together to celebrate and it happens to be an even bigger deal in my family because almost all of

my immediate family have end-of-the-year birthdays! October through January is double

whammy of birthdays and holidays. I am the only one with a birthday in summer.

When I turned three years old, my mom and dad told me that Michelle was expecting

another baby. I had no clue who Michelle was at that age but I was told that I was going to have

another baby sister. My parents already had an agreement to adopt her after she was born. On

November 4th, 1995 my little sister Nicole was born and from then on we were best friends.

Everyone started calling our family “cheaper by the dozen” because they are so many of us! My

dad always jokes about having turn his sports car in for a minivan!

From what I can recall, my childhood was filled with adventures and mischief. We grew

up in a house that was on three acres of land and we had our own little farm. There was a pool, a

jacuzzi, a huge deck with a big BBQ pit, and my parents built their garden. My parents taught all

of their kids how to live off the land. We had apple trees, peach trees, figs, lemons, apricots, and

we even grew our own pumpkins! Eventually my parents built a barn and we got a few horses

along with chickens and some baby goats. We had a grey and white sheepdog named Ned who

was the fluffiest dog I’ve still ever seen in my entire life.
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I was taught from a very young age the importance of having respect for your elders,

having proper manners, and minding my P’s and Q’s. My parents both came from military

upbringings so if any of us disrespected someone or something our punishment was severe. Out

of the nine of us kids I took the cake on being the tomboy. Ever since I was big enough to go I

was out deep sea fishing with my dad, hunting, shooting, camping, off-roading - you name it and

I am sure that I tired it! I was fearless and full of adventure. My dad introduced us to Star Wars,

Star Trek, Classic Rock, Heavy Metal, and we’d sit in the garage and watch him work on his

cars. There seemed to be nothing we couldn’t do. This was just the start of some unforgettable

traits he taught us.

I also really enjoyed reading when I was younger and I would blow through 300 page

books like it was nobody’s business at age nine. That’s when my parents let me read J.R.R

Tolkien’s The Lord of the Rings trilogy. One of my favorite quotes and life motto’s comes from

his writings and you happened to read it when you first indulged yourself in my narrative. “All

we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us.” - J.R.R. Tolkien, The Fellowship

of the Ring. I read that quote when I was ten years old and it changed my life.

I remember our family going to church when I was very young. I think we started

attending Sandals Christian Church in Riverside, CA when I was only six years old. We would

go to church every Sunday, I would go to youth group Wednesday evenings, and my family

became very close friends with the family that started the church. I can still remember that it was

held in the gymnasium of Cal Baptist University and there were two services. Church became a

huge part of my life and I watched my parents be baptized at the university swimming pool by

our pastor in summer of 2004. That was when I started to realize that I wanted my life to mean
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something more then what it was. I felt by watching them that I had a purpose to do something

bigger than I dreamed of. I even remember asking to dedicate my life to God at church camp in

2005 when I was just thirteen years old.

In 2006, my parents decided to open our home to bible study not anticipating it to be as

popular as it was. Within the first month of them hosting small group/bible study we had well

over 25 people in our house! My parents held Bible Studies in our home for the next twelve

years! All of the people who chose to be apart of my parents small group became our family. I

have some of the most wonderful support systems because of church. Lifelong friends who have

helped me out tremulously in times and need and in times of celebration. We would throw

Christmas parties, New Years parties, and birthday parties with our small group and in my

teenage years I thought that was a blast. One year, I met someone who’s daughter was the same

age as myself and she and I became close friends. Her name was Jamie!

Because of all of the traumatic experiences I went through when I was a baby and how I

had severe separation anxiety when I was away from my parents caused elementary school to be

difficult. I can clearly remember every single teacher I had up until seventh grade (that’s when

you started taking six or seven classes per school year). My very first day of Kindergarten I wore

a red dress with black Maryjane shoes and white socks with ruffles. My mom let me pick out my

outfits occasionally and she told me this was a special day because I was going to school. From a

very young age, I knew what anxiety was because the thought of being away from her made my

heart beat like it was going to explode out of my chest. I was so sacred. I was afraid she was

going to forget me!

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When my parents took me to Kindergarten I was in room B2 and my teacher’s name was

Mrs. Rachel Scambre. She had a dolphin tattoo on her ankle and wore an anklet on the other. She

had long blonde hair and always wore denim dresses to class. She was tall, slender, and had

bright blue eyes. She smelled like roses and she had long acrylic nails. My mom loved her but I

remember I cried and screamed bloody murder everyday of class for at least three months. It was

so bad that the principle had to talk to my parents. They were worried that my parents might have

been abusing me or something! The next several years of elementary school were challenging

because I cried every time my mom or sister left me. I even remember my fourth grade teacher,

Mrs. Turley, compared me to my sister saying that she was an angel and I was a terror. I told the

office that she said that and she got in trouble. I can still remember my most influential teacher

growing up. Her name was Mrs. Elizabeth Simms and she looked like Belle from Beauty and the

Beast! On the first day of second grade she wore a yellow sundress that was poofy on the bottom

and it reminded me of a Disney princess. She had brown hair and hazel colored eyes.

She always let me sit at her desk when I was crying about my mom leaving and she let

me play games at her computer! She also had a huge jar of Tootsie Rolls that she would sneak to

me if I was good and stopped crying. I loved her as a teacher. She even requested that I was in

her class for third grade too! Mrs. Simms would always tell me that she thought I was going to

become a lawyer someday because I liked to talk (when I felt comfortable) and I liked to debate

with other students. That is where my curiosity began. I questioned EVERYTHING. I never took

something for face value. I knew that if I dug deeper I could find out another way to get the

answer to something.
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My middle school years are kind of fuzzy. I can’t really recall anything significant until I

went into high school. When I was a freshman in high school my parents told me that we were

moving to the High Desert. It was about an hour from where we lived at the time and I was

incredibly heart broken. I grew up with all of my friends since elementary school and now I was

being taken away from them. I was not happy happy moving. It was right around the time that I

turned thirteen so the young, pre-puberty hormones were in full effect! I started doing really

dumb things to get my parents attention and not in a good way either. I remember that I

attempted to sneak out of the house to go hang out with friends just because I wanted to be

rebellious. Little did I know that my clumsy, late-night actions would cause me to break my right

ankle. I broke it trying to climb over a fence! You couldn’t impinge how embarrassed I was when

I had to call for help. The whole trip to the emergency room was unpleasant with my parents.

Two broken bones and one cast later I showed up to my first day 9th grade on crutches! I

remember kids use to pick on me because I had to hobble around the school actually being late

for class.

High school was not the best of times for me. I was socially awkward, shy, and wanted to

fit in. When I was in 10th grade my parents let me go on my first date with a boy. His name was

Justin and I had met him at a restaurant called Nikki’s Cafe in town. Later on I found out that he

went to our rival school! I would go have dessert at Nikki’s every Friday night when he worked

just so I could see him. He soon after became my boyfriend and I couldn’t believe my parents

were on board with it. It was a rocky year and a half and sadly things came to an end for the two

of us but it taught me lessons like what happens when you flunk a class, become grounded for a

month, and lose all cell phone privileges. I even remember being late to intermediate algebra two
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times in a row and getting detention on the third time. I never played sports in high school

because I had a huge fear of being rejected. I didn’t do any activities after school and I never

wanted to spend the night anywhere because I was scared to be away from my family. This was

still a part of my separation anxiety from my childhood.

When I was a senior in high school something happened to me over night that I never

expected. I started coming out of my shell and socializing. I got really good grades, 3.8 GPA, and

I even took a choir class for the hell of it. I think I became tired of being picked on for being

quiet and awkward so I started getting out of my comfort zone. I met a lot of cool people my

senior year and even was introduced to the guy I would call my boyfriend for four years! After I

graduated and started junior college, I was hit was some pretty bad news. I was woken up to a

phone call in the middle of the night from Justin’s mom telling me that he was killed in a car

accident. This was the first time that I had someone close to be die. It wasn’t like that kind of

feeling you experience when a family member passes but a friend - someone who was so young

and could have lived a full life. I couldn’t believe what happened. I didn’t want to believe it. It

was the first time in my life that I could feel depressed. This sadly was just the beginning to my

early adult life.

After the passing of Justin, my boyfriend at the time (Austin) and I took a break. I know

that sounds silly but I was in such a bad place because of my emotions that I didn’t think being in

a relationship was a good idea. I wanted to be alone. I would read articles about other people

who experienced lose and how they got over it. That’s the thing - you never truly get over it.

When we fight against emotional pain, we get trapped in it. Difficult emotions become

destructive and break down the mind, body, and spirit. Feelings get stuck, frozen in time, and we
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get stuck in them. I didn’t understand how God could let something like this happen. I prayed

about it and seeked helped from family in my time of distress but nothing seemed to help. While

being depressed, I went back into my J.R.R Tolkien LORT book and found the quote that helped

me, “All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us.” There is something so

comforting and reassuring about that saying. I thought to myself, I could sit around and mope or

I can live a life that he would want me to live.

Around the time I was twenty-one, Michelle wrote me a surprise letter for my birthday

and gave it to my grandparents to give to me. Up until this time, I had no clue who Michelle even

was. I know you’re probably thinking it was odd that I didn’t mention her again during my paper

but it’s because I didn’t really even know she existed. I had no clue that I was adopted by my

aunt and uncle or that my cousins weren’t really my siblings. When my grandpa gave me the

letter I thought it was from some distant family relative just wanting to say hi but it was from my

birth mother! The letter was about a solid six pages and full of lies. She tried to say that my Aunt

and Uncle stole me away from her, not even giving her the chance to change her ways. She said

that they exaggerated what kind of person she was and that she loved me so much and tried to

get better and get off drugs so she could have me back. Again, this changed my life because I had

to confront my parents about who the hell Michelle was. This whole time I was thinking that

they were my biological parents!

It was really hard to confront my parents after twenty-one years of thinking they were my

actual parents. I felt really scared to show them the letter Michelle had written me but I knew

that I had to. They were shocked and I could tell that they felt guilty for not telling me. They

even sat Nicole down and told her the whole Michelle situation as well. We both were thankful
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that two family members loved us enough to take us away from her and make sure we had a

good life. I was always thankful for my parents but this made me even more thankful. They

saved us from a life that could have been far worse. After finding out I believe that it grew the

relationship I had with my parents even stronger.

The following year, life threw another curve ball at me. This time it happened to effect

my entire family. Right before my twenty-second birthday my mother was diagnosed with stage

two colon cancer. I’d like to say that it came out of the blue but it didn’t. She had been getting

sick more frequently and starting to lose a lot of weight. She said that her system just felt “off”.

She went in for a screening and they found it had spread throughout her colon. This was another

time in my life that I felt my heart drop to the pit of my stomach. Why was this happening to us?

Why was this happening to my mother? I couldn’t stand to think of losing someone else I cared

about after losing Justin after high school. I was right in the middle of my college classes for

spring and when the new came that my mom was going to start treatment I had to put school on

pause. This set me back quite a bit. All I could focus on was make sure I spent as much time with

my mom as I could in case things took a turn for the worst.

She started treatment in September at Kaiser Medical Center in Los Angeles. She had to

go five days a week from 8am to 1pm. She did chemotherapy and radiation. Our family would

take turns who on weeks of driving her to her appointments. When she started her treatments she

seemed so happy. Like she always taught her family - you have to fight a good fight.“All we

have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us.” My mother was a woman of

devotion. To her god, her family and her work. She somehow held all three together for all my

life. My mother became weaker and weaker as each week passed. She needed to be watched over
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24/7 by us and a nurse that came to our home. The doctor’s said that they were hopeful she

would go into remission by the end of it. Cancer is so unpredictable. You don’t know if it will

ever fully go away. Seeing my mother and my family in such agony and despair was gut-

wrenching. It was like being knocked off a surfboard in rip tides—the minutes where you can’t

find your breath, the way no matter what you do, there’s no knowing if it will help you, the

current of fear, the confusion. The surrender.

I remember bathing her. Holding her body, wrapping her cuts and scars from treatment.

My mother’s vulnerability filled me with an emotion I didn’t know. The drain, the bandage, it

was all like a physical representation over what we couldn’t fix. I just wanted to take a magic

wand and change it back. Taking care of her since she started treatment gave me a newfound

appreciation for everything she did for me. I remember the day we shaved her head. It was a sad

day but a day the symbolized something more meaningful. It was the day that my mother

decided to let go and accept that she was either going to fight or give up. I have always had

really long hair my whole life, since I was a little girl, and when my mother shaved her head I cut

off fourteen inches of my hair. I sent it to Locks of Love and they made it into a wig for her. I

surprised her for Christmas with it and I remember sitting there on her bed while she sobbed. It

was the least I could do for my hero.

During the time my mother was in treatment, I had the opportunity of meeting a women

who was also in the same unit as my mom and she gave me a book of poems. She highlighted

one in particular that changed my life just like the quote from LOTR. It is a quote by Rumi and

says, “Sorrow prepares you for joy. It violently sweeps everything out of your house, so that new

joy can find space to enter. It shakes the yellow leaves from the bough of your heart, so that
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fresh, green leaves can grow in their place. It pulls up the rotten roots, so that new roots hidden

beneath have room to grow. Whatever sorrow shakes from your heart, far better things will take

their place.” Lord knows that I needed to hear that and share it with my family. Looking back

now, I never thought I’d ever say I was thankful for cancer but in a way I am. I am thankful that

it opened my eyes to the importance of what is, to the presence of my mother’s love. I never in a

million years thought I would find myself expressing my gratitude for it, for letting us get

through, for allowing us to just be with her. After seven months of treatment and my mother

almost on her death bed, her final biopsy came back negative. NEGATIVE! When we found out

the results we all immediately burst into tears. During that time, we also found out family

member and friend’s true colors. Some that we considered the closest of friends disappeared in

our time of need. It was such a shame.

Austin and I never wound up getting back together. I just thought being in a relationship

after everything that happened would be inconvenient for me and not fair to the other person.

After everything that happened with my mom it was time to try and go back to school and find a

new job. During the time of taking care of my mom I quit my job because taking care of her was

almost like a full-time gig. That’s when I applied at Starbucks. I honestly filled at my application

as a joke. I really didn’t think I was going to get hired on with them but two days later I received

a call for an interview. I was so nervous because I had been unemployed for about a year. Would

I even be good enough to work there? I went through three interviews before I got a call back

and at my last interview the manager said she wanted me to start next week! I think that this was

another blessing in disuse because the Lord knew I needed to get back into being busy.
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When I first started Starbucks, I didn’t think it was going to be a job that I would stick

around in very long but I have been there for about four years now - just celebrating my four

year anniversary on October 12th. My first Starbucks store was located in Barstow, CA which is

the 5th busiest store in America. It sees about a million customs a year and that gathers all the

Las Vegas traffic. I worked 40 hours a week and drove an hour to get to work five days a week. It

was nuts! After seeing how much I was spending in gas every month (close to $450) I realized I

needed to get into a store closer to home. I had to pull a couple of strings but I found my home

store not to long after. This store was going to be a challenge for me though because the

employees that work there are all very aggressive. The store manager that was there when I first

transferred was named Bill. He was the most sexist and in considerate manager I have ever had.

He would tell me that he didn’t think that I was meant for business and that he never saw me

with a future supervisor position at Starbucks. It boiled my blood that he would say those things.

I tried to call Human Resources to file complaints against him but it just seemed to be

unsuccessful every time. That is when I became really interested in going into HR. I knew that I

wanted to help businesses take care of their employees and managers.

Bill eventually left the company because his family was moving out of state. I couldn’t

have been more thankful to get away from him! Till this day I have no clue where he is and to be

quiet honest I don’t really care. I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life. When we got our

new manager, Allie, she changed the store 360 degrees! Within the first three months of her

management she promoted me to a shift supervisor, I received an awesome pay raise, and she

told me about the SCAP! Starbucks College Achievement Program! I had no clue that that even

existed until she came around! I made an appointment to speak to an advisor, I sent in what
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transcript I had and waited to see what they said! I finished my last semester of my AA in winter

of 2015 and was accepted into the SCAP Spring B of 2016. I decided that I wanted to major in

Organizational Leadership. I feel like it is my calling. What I aspire to be good at.

Without a doubt, everything that I have learned during the duration of my organizational

leadership program had helped build my confidence when pertaining to leadership. My end goal

is to use my degree to go into Human Resource Management where I know I can utilize the

information I have been given to help organizations and their people. I have a deeper

understanding and appreciation for why organizations do what they do in means to thrive. During

this time I noticed a huge change in my development as a student and as a person. My

communication skills improved rapidly and I quickly learnt to conduct myself professionally. I

have been able to operate throughout this degree program using my own initiative, but also

became a very good team player. I have always been scared of being vulnerable for I felt it

showed a sign of weakness but then I realized that there are hundreds of others in the same

program who feel that way. You HAVE to lean on one another in a sense. I know that there are

people who respect my opinions and value what I have to say because they show me. The

education that I have worked so hard for will be a valuable asset in years to come. I have been

tested during this program. My strengths and weakness have taught me a lot about myself. My

determination to achieve my goals has been put through the ringer and there have been times

when I wanted to give up. When I look back at that though, I laugh because those are some of the

moments that I am most grateful for. I am so close to earning my college degree and I would

definitely considered that to be a rite of passage that no one can ever take away from me. Finally,

I will always remember that there will be smarter and stronger people than me out there and I’ve
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come to accept that that is okay. I have will power and I will use it to my advantage. Taking this

program over the past two years has taught me to better my knowledge and strengthen myself.

I'll make myself competitive through drive and ambition. Failure has happened to me and will

most likely happen again. How I choose to deal with it is how I distinguish myself from the rest.

I am blessed to work for a company that pays for my college tuition. I am blessed to work

for a company that allows me to have access to full benefits. The people that I work with

everyday have become my family. I have loved working for Starbucks and will be sad when that

chapter of my life closes but I will be excited for the next one. I have networked with so many

wonderful customers and have had the opportunity to share in some of the most special days of

their lives. I have gone to wedding and baby showers. I have sadly gone to funerals for some and

met their newborn babies! I think there has been a season for everything there.

That brings me to today. I turned 26 this past June and I am going to graduate from ASU

on December 11th, 2018. I will be only the third person in my family to graduate from a

university. That is such a huge accomplishment to me because I didn’t become a statistic. I didn’t

let my flaws or my unfortunate circumstances define me. I knew that if I wanted to get anywhere

in life I had to work for it. I had to make sacrifices and go through blood, sweat, and tears.

Nothing has been handed to me and I would never expect for it to be either. There were some

times when I didn’t think I was good enough and I felt like people would judge me if they found

out where I came from. I hated sharing with people about Michelle. In my adult life though, I

found out that there are so many other individuals who have gone through the same thing as

myself and sometimes even worse. It is those kind of people who make me remember the good

in life and that everyone has a story. Some good. Some not so good.
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This personal narrative has made me go back and remember where I came from. I have

gotten very emotional several times through this assignment. Sometimes taking a break because I

didn’t want to keep writing about something sad. It’s been necessary though. I have quoted

Tolkien several times throughout my paper - “All we have to decide is what to do with the time

that is given us.” This is still something that I think of today. What do I do with the time I have

been given. There are so many people who need somebody. An advocate, a voice, a mentor. I feel

like it is my calling in life to share my story with others who might not think they are okay. We

all have a story to tell. We all have the choice to either wallow in self pity and think that the

world owes us or we go out there and we make our own history. A few semesters ago I wrote a

letter to myself. It was part of a project for a class I took with Dr. Elizabeth Castillo. This copy

was more intimate and I didn’t share it with the class but I would like to end my paper with this:

Dear self,

First off, let me start by saying that it's okay to feel like you aren't doing as well as you are

supposed to. So if you need to take a second to breathe, to cry, to put your head down, stare out a

window or go for a walk. Do that, without distractions. Thank God for everything that you are

fortuned with, take a look at all the beautiful things around you, and be stress free for just a

moment. Figure out what you can change, and what you cannot. Most importantly, accept what

you cannot change. Become at peace with it, even if just for a brief moment. Say a prayer for

your restless heart to be comforted knowing that God is with you in all things. Don't forget to

thank Him again. Endless gratitude will take you far. When you decide that you are ready to face

the things that you can change, do it with 100% commitment. That doesn't mean 100%
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perfection. It's important to know the difference. Start by making a plan. Write it down in a

planner, memorize it, put it on a Post-It on the mirror, do whatever makes it the easiest for you.

Think through your plan logically, take into consideration your strengths and weaknesses.

Remember to do the hard things first once in a while, the relief is sweet in the end. Make a

checklist, use an App, tell your best friend about it so they can keep you accountable too. You are

ready. You are young. You are smart. You are beautiful. If you ever feel that you are at your

lowest point, just remember the only place that you can go is up. Find reassurance in the

weakness. The best is yet to come. Don't take pity on yourself. Instead, work harder to make your

situation better. Be happy. There are so many things to be thankful for. Ask when you need help.

No one can read your mind. Time won't stop for you. Worrying and stressing is simply a waste of

time. Nothing will change your situation more than changing your attitude. Perspective is

everything. Be thankful for your struggles, because there is a lesson to be a learned in the end of

it. Be strong and know that you are in God's hands. Everything will work out. It may not be today

or tomorrow, but eventually the pieces will fall into place and you will understand why the battle

was worth it. You can conquer anything you put your mind to. So breathe, take a minute,

reevaluate, and grow.

Love,

Me