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Nicko Mabanta

Jennifer Rodrick

English 115

18 November 2018

Playing for Kate

In the novel, Play It as It Lays, by Joan Didion, Maria Wyeth has experienced many

sufferings in her life. Her parents committed suicide, her ex-husband, Ivan Costello, abused her

and used her for money, and her former husband, Carter Lang, also abused her when they were

together. Maria was also forced to have an abortion, which tore her life apart, and caused her to

have nightmares. Even with all the suffering she receives, Maria keeps on playing; she keeps on

living. She does not give up. BZ asked Maria to commit suicide with her, but she refused. Maria

keeps on playing the game and does not give up because of her daughter, Kate.

Maria loves her daughter, Kate, very much. She is willing to make Kate happy and safe at

all times. She adores Kate to the point that her life would start to fall apart when she can’t be

with her. Kate is sick in the hospital; she seems to have a mental illness. In Chapter 22, Maria

makes an unscheduled visit to her daughter, Kate. “‘YOU SHOULD ALWAYS CALL before

you come,’ the nurse in charge of Kate's cottage said on Sunday” (Didion 72). Maria visited Kate

in the hospital without letting the nurse or the doctor know that she’s coming. Not only Maria

would make unscheduled visits to her daughter, she would also visit her many times. This was

shown in Chapter 22 when the nurse in the hospital told Maria that she should visit Kate next

week instead. The nurse in the hospital said, “[The nurse said,] ‘We definitely would have

suggested you [Maria] wait until next week’” (Didion 72). This shows that Maria visits Kate

more often than what the nurses and doctors want. Maria’s frequent visits had become a dismay
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to them. In order to see Kate more often, Maria would also walk off sets in her acting career. In

Chapter 11, Freddy Chaikin calls Maria about her walking off the set. “[He said,] ‘—an actress

walks off a set, people tend to think she doesn't want to work’” (Didion 28). Maria then would

make excuses about it. “[She said,] ‘That was almost a year ago. I was sick. I was upset about

Kate. I haven't walked off any more sets, you know that, Freddy’” (Didion 28). Maria adores

Kate so much that she would walk off her sets and make excuses about it just to see Kate.

Maria loves Kate to the point that she would suffer and have an abortion just to keep Kate

beside her. Because of her career as an actor, Maria cannot see or be with Kate all the time.

Because of this, her life becomes unstable. Craving for Kate’s love to her, Maria had sexual

intercourses with other men. Knowing that she might be pregnant from one of the men she had

slept with, she goes to a doctor on Wilshire. “Because I [Maria] went to this doctor and the test

he did in his office was positive but that’s not an absolutely certain test so he had me bring in

some urine for a rabbit test. And he gave me this shot. And if I really wasn't the shot would make

me bleed in three to five days” (Didion 50). The doctor from Wilshire gave her pregnancy tests

to determine if she was really pregnant. Maria then said, “and it was six days ago I had the shot.”

(Didion 50). Maria took the shot the doctor gave her and did not bleed for six days, meaning that

Maria was really pregnant. Knowing that she was pregnant, Maria looks for the right time to tell

Carter about it. Maria informed Carter about it when he was driving with her from the beach.

“[Maria said,] ‘I’ve got a fantastic vocabulary and I’m having a baby’” (Didion 48). Carter was

mad about it. In Chapter 13, Carter forced Maria to have an abortion. “‘Get a pencil,’ he [Carter]

ordered. He was going to give her a telephone number. He was going to give her the telephone

number of the only man in Los Angeles County who did clean work” (Didion 54). Carter knows

a doctor in a black market who does illegal abortions in Los Angeles. Carter wanted Maria to
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write down the telephone number of this doctor, so she would get an abortion. Maria didn’t want

to get an abortion. She wanted to keep the baby. Carter, however, threatens to take away from

her if she doesn’t do it. “[Carter said,] ‘All right, don’t do it… And I’ll take Kate’” (Didion 54).

“‘Listen,’ she said. ‘If I do this, then you promise I can have Kate? You promise there won’t be

trouble later’” (Didion 54)? This shows that Maria’s love to Kate is so strong that she would get

an abortion just to keep her; she is willing to give up everything, even her unborn baby, just to

have Kate beside her. After the abortion, Maria loses her control over her mind. According to the

article, “Induced abortion and anxiety, mood, and substance abuse disorders: Isolating the effects

of abortion in the national comorbidity survey,” by Priscilla Coleman, abortion can increase the

risk of mental problems. She said that in her study, “women who have aborted are at a higher

risk for a variety of mental health problems including anxiety (panic attacks, panic disorder,

agoraphobia, PTSD), mood (bipolar disorder, major depression with and without hierarchy), and

substance abuse disorders when compared to women without a history of abortion after controls

were instituted for a wide range of personal, situational, and demographic factors” (Coleman 1).

In other words, abortion can psychologically damage women. Maria, who just had an abortion,

was also having mental problems, specifically, PTSD. Maria was seeing things and was also

having nightmares. In Chapter 33, Maria was experiencing nightmares. “Workmen appeared,

rooms were prepared. The man in the white duck pants materialized and then the doctor, in his

rubber apron. At that point she would fight for consciousness but she was never able to wake

herself before the dream revealed its inexorable intention, before the plumbing stopped up,

before they all fled and left her there, gray water bubbling up in every sink” (Didion 96). Maria

would always dream about the day she had an abortion. This includes the man in the white duck

pants who took her to the doctor, and the doctor who performed the abortion. In the same
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chapter, it shows that Maria was also seeing things. “Of course she could not call a plumber,

because she had known all along what would be found in the pipes, what hacked pieces of

human flesh” (Didion 97). Maria would see her aborted baby in her mind and make her lose

control of herself. Knowing that abortion is illegal at that time, Maria decided to do it anyway

and suffer from PTSD because she loves Kate. She loves Kate so much that she’s willing to

suffer just to see her.

Maria loves Kate so much that she would keep playing despite her endless suffering. At

the end of the book, Maria and BZ knew what nothing means. To them, it means that life has no

meaning; nothing matters anymore. It means to them that there is no reason to live. So, BZ

decides to stop playing this game. He also tried to convince Maria to stop playing too. “‘Grain-

and-a-half Seconal. You want some?’ She looked at him. ‘No.’ ‘You're still playing.’ BZ did not

take his eyes from hers. ‘Some day you'll wake up and you just won't feel like playing any

more’” (Didion 212). Playing means living. BZ has decided to stop playing; he wants Maria to

stop playing also. The article, “Biblical Analogues in Joan Didion’s Play It as It Lays,” by

Michelle Loris, shows that Maria would still play the game despite her emptiness. “Though she

does recognize and is weary of a life grown intolerable, she negates the nothingness by choosing

to live. Maria has learned that the vital issue of the desert is to decide whether to live or die. She

does not give in to the emptiness and despair with which BZ tempts her” (Loris 290). BZ has

experienced nothingness; that’s why he killed himself. He feels that he doesn’t have reason to

live anymore. Maria has experienced nothingness too, but still decides to keep playing. Maria

has not given up on life. She has a reason to live. In her monologue, she said, “Why bother, you

might ask. I bother for Kate. What I play for here is Kate. Carter put Kate in there and I am going
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to get her out” (Didion 4). Maria’s love for Kate is so strong that she’s willing to stay in the

game and suffer just for Kate.

Maria loves her daughter so much. She loves Kate so much that she’s willing to do

anything and give up everything just to see her. Maria would always visit her in the hospital

without the doctors’ or nurses’ permissions. She had an abortion to prevent Carter from taking

Kate away from her. Maria had the chance to end her suffering with BZ, but she did not. Despite

all the abuse, suffering, nightmares, visions, and sacrifices, Maria would still play the game. She

ignores the meaning of nothingness and decide to live. She would keep on playing because of

Kate; she loves Kate; she’s willing to give up everything just to see Kate.
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Works Cited

Coleman, Priscilla K, et al. “Induced Abortion and Anxiety, Mood, and Substance Abuse

Disorders: Isolating the Effects of Abortion in the National Comorbidity Survey.”

ScienceDirect, 30 June 2011, www-sciencedirect-

com.libproxy.csun.edu/science/article/pii/S0022395608002380. Accessed November 17,

2018.

Didion, Joan. Play It as It Lays: a Novel. Farrar, Straus & Giroux, 2005. Accessed November 17,

2018.

Loris, Michelle. “Biblical Analogues in Joan Didion’s Play It As It Lays.” Renascence: Essays

on Values in Literature, vol. 68, no. 4, 2016, pp. 284–293. Accessed November 17, 2018.

“Mother Daughter.” 123RF, www.123rf.com/clipart-

vector/mother_daughter.html?sti=m3ivz9w27uxmutfivv|. Accessed November 18, 2018.