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Ricardo Morales

Honors ENG101

Professor Kardell

31 August 2018

Coming from an extremely conservative Mexican family, I always felt the need to uphold

traditional values and be the perfect Mexican son, as many children in my culture are expected to

be. From a young age I knew I was different, even if I did not know why yet. Due to that, I felt

the need to be above and beyond my family’s expectations. When I was younger, my biological

mother couldn’t take care of me, as she was facing her own demons, so she found family friends

to take care of me in Mexico. The family consisted of both parents, as well as six siblings. That

family, as full as it was, took me in and raised me as their own for years. Growing up in Mexico

and constantly surrounded by the hyper-conservative views, it was ingrained in my brain that if I

didn’t marry a nice, Mexican, woman, I would be a disappointment. When I came to the

realization that I was gay, I felt my childhood fear of disappointing my father become reality.

It was the summer before high school when I realized I was gay, ironically enough, I was

in Mexico at the time. Mexico is a place where homophobia and sexism are rampant and instilled

in the brains of the newer generations. I felt ashamed, embarrassed, and like a disappointment. I

was living a nightmare. Going into high school I was exposed to more cultures and personalities,

the groups I had been taught to be wary of my whole life ended up being some of the people I

confided in most. As I started becoming more expressive in school, I became more reserved at

home. I didn’t want to give anyone the idea that I could possibly be gay. In sixth grade, I got into

theatre; Theatre was a healthy form of expression for me, it let me live out fun roles and
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characters that I wasn’t necessarily comfortable expressing at home. At this point, I was living a

double life.

It was junior year when I got the phone call that no sixteen-year-old should ever receive;

My father, the man who willingly raised a kid knowing he had no physical ties to him, had

passed away. This event triggered something in me. While I was in the lowest state of mental

health, I was also liberated; As much as I hate to say it, if my father had not passed away, I

would not be as expressive as I am today. With his death came a feeling of loss, confusion, and

sadness. The man who I aspired to impress and make proud of me was gone, I was free from the

bounds of the traditional culture I was raised with. I started being more openly feminine at home

and finally came out as gay to my friends and peers. At this point, it wasn’t a surprise for anyone.

However, I don’t think coming out to my parents will ever be a positive thing, even if it will

make me feel better and more validated. While coming out to my parents would give me a piece

of mind, the only thing they will get out of it is confusion and sadness. All my cousins and most

family members know I’m gay, however, they were raised in this culture, and they haven’t

experienced full traditional ideals. When I came out publically, I was flung into a new culture, I

had never looked at myself in the mirror as something more than the values shot into me like a

vaccine; however, when I came out, I formed my own identity and I was no longer bound to the

identity forced on me as a child. I was told that as an openly gay man, the views I was taught as a

kid were no longer applicable. I had to form a new identity. I had to craft the perfect blend; I had

to be Mexican enough for my family, gay enough for my sexuality, and man enough for society.

Imagine having to create a new identity and being for yourself at sixteen-years-old, while you

already have all the predispositions and ideas from those sixteen years of life. It was difficult, I

was flung into a really dark headspace where I felt I didn’t know the way out. When I was
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younger I felt the need to be the perfect Mexican son but now, I had to somehow make these

newfound identities and ideals all fit perfectly. I have learned that they’re not always going to fit,

and that’s fine. When I decided to stop caring about who I’m “supposed to be” and started

focusing on who I wanted to be, I grew more expressive and more completely me, whoever that

may be. Although I still don’t know exactly who I am in terms of identity, through the years I

have learned that I don’t have to be forced into one identity or role. People all over the world

face these issues every day, some are still lost to the confusion and darkness of coming out. I

believe I am still in that cloud of confusion, while I know who I am and what I don’t agree with

I’m still lost in the sense that I don’t know what path I am supposed to take to become a fully-

molded adult in society. Society and life are ever-flowing, the person you are today, won’t be the

same person that you’ll be in five years. However, these different personas and identities help

form your future values and ideals and I know that with time the darkness will clear and who I

am supposed to be and the path that I’m meant to take will be right there, and all I must do is

take it.

I am not the perfect Mexican son that my culture wants me to be, I also do not represent

the perfect “male” ideals that society forces upon me. I’m content with that. I am so much more

than the values I was taught as a kid and I am so much more than the values society tells me to

have now. I am a hybrid of all these values and morals. I don’t fit in one box, and I never will. I

am confident enough in myself and content with where life is taking me that I no longer feel the

need to conform or hide. Through trials and tribulations, I have become the person I am today,

and no culture, person, or group can take that from me.