MFL 2018 Week 1

MARRIED FOR LIFE : INTRODUCTION
Married for Life is the follow-up curriculum for EMS Online and EMS Weekend. It consists of
conference calls with your small group. In Married for Life, the group will begin to rotate the
moderation duties among participants. Since much of the material is for marital enrichment,
the moderator will need to just keep the conversation flowing and make a forum post to recap
for any participants who are absent.
The curriculum in Married for Life focuses on your relationship in and beyond recovery.
 why we fight,
 how we fight,
 how to reinforce the good moments in your marriage,
 becoming friends again,
 the sexual relationship and
 many other topics.
Remember, that if you choose to continue in Married for Life, you'll need to abide by the
terms of your new contract. Please print and sign this page and share the signature page with
your mate. What he or she chooses is a personal choice, so please don't base your decision on
your mate. Even if only you participate, your marriage and life will still benefit.
As you continue in Married for Life also remember that the goal is to learn the material well,
not just to get through the lessons. So let it soak in and change your life. Go over a lesson
twice in your group if it seems to benefit you. Do all the lessons and start again as a group or
on your own. Remember, we're not born with the skills needed to live in a healthy
relationship, so it is incredibly, undoubtedly *worth* your time and effort.
CONTRACT – MARRIED FOR LIFE

I, hereby agree to the terms set forth in the following contract:
1. Commitment: I agree to complete the next 90 days of the course, "Married for Life,"
before making a decision to either stay or leave this marital relationship.
2. Participation: I will do my best to complete all assignments. (These assignments are
not just for your benefit, but they are also for the benefit of the community of
wounded people that will be a part of your journey. I cannot stress how important it is
to complete the homework. Failure to do so will not only rob those participating with
you in this journey, but it will also rob you of the opportunity for personal growth.
Finally, failure to complete the homework won't be good for your marriage. You do
not want to be the only person who has not completed their homework. This will only
serve to create more hurt and discouragement for your mate.)
3. Confidentiality: I agree to respect the anonymity of other group members. The group is
intended to remain totally anonymous, but if by some strange chance I discover the
actual identity of one of the group members, I agree to protect his or her anonymity
and confidentiality.
4. Honesty: I agree to attempt to be rigorously honest while participating in this group,
speaking the truth in love, doing my best not to further wound my mate or other
group members.
Copyright 2018 by Affair Recovery, LLC. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted
in any form without the express written permission of Affair Recovery, LLC. Based in Austin, TX and with a global reach,
AffairRecovery.com specializes in helping people heal after infidelity. To learn more about weekend retreats or online courses,
visit www.AffairRecovery.com.
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5. Respect: I agree to let others be wrong. We have found in doing hundreds of these
groups that it is possible for people not to get it. The tendency is to want to help them
by trying to make them understand. I agree to let them be wrong, only expressing my
opinion after receiving their permission to share.
6. Attendance: I agree to make every effort to attend all group meetings. I understand
my participation is not only important for my own healing, but I also bring an
important piece to the healing process of other group members.
7. Safety (for the "unfaithful" spouse): During this 90-day process I will focus on my
personal healing and explore the potential for my marriage. I will not make a
permanent decision until the group has been completed. I agree not be verbally or
physically abusive to my mate.
8. Safety (for the "hurt" spouse): I will make every effort not to be abusive to my mate
over the next 90 days, either verbally or physically. I will attempt to be safe enough for
him or her to engage with me in this process. (For some this may be difficult, but it's
important to honour this process even if it doesn't seem fair.)
Signed ________________________ Date ____/______/______
Signed ________________________ Date ____/______/______
Signed ________________________ Date ____/______/______
Signed ________________________ Date ____/______/______
GROUP COMMITMENTS – MARRIED FOR LIFE

1. “Let’s begin with our commitment to one another: We agree that we will be open and
honest with each other, speak the truth in love and with kindness, treat pride and strife as
enemies to our oneness, embrace change when change is needed, and run this race with
joy, gladness, and perseverance. “
2. “I’d like for us to visit the Group Rules before we get started. We will do this each week as
part of our opening ritual.
a. First, let us remember to keep everything that is said in the group confidential.
b. Second, let us not interrupt or give advice – keeping in mind that each person is on
their own unique journey. We can encourage and share what has worked or not
worked for us personally, but we will refrain from telling others how they should do
something.
c. We will always make our presence on a call known.
d. We will be sensitive to all on the call and encourage all to participate equally “
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WEEK 1: MARRIAGE
VIDEO NOTES
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OUTLINE FOR VIDEO:
• The Three Keys to Marriage
o The Second Law of Thermodynamics
o All People are Scum
• Romanticism vs. Oneness
Romanticism Oneness
• Two people longing to be • Two people joined together
together but are not. • It’s far better to want what you don’t
• Intimacy in Romanticism have than to have who you don’t want.
is almost always • Intimacy in marriage always creates short
validated. term instability.
• God Created Marriage to make us Miserable
o The Purpose of Marriage is to draw me to God
o It is God’s primary people growing machine.
o My mate is not my problem; my mate just reveals the problem in me.
• Our Natural Solutions
• The Idolatrous Marriage the Four Flesh Responses:
1. I’ll bludgeon my mate and help them become what they need to be
2. I’ll compromise who God made me to be in order to make them happy
3. I’ll withdraw and begin to get my needs met else where
4. I’ll try to quit loving them because if I can quit caring it won’t hurt so much if
they don’t love me back.
• David Wilcox - A Break in the Cup
I try so hard to please you. To be the love that feels you up

I try to put on sweet affection, but I think that you've got a broken cup.
Because you can't believe I love you, I try to tell you that there's no doubt.
But as soon as I fill you with all I've got, that little break will let it run right out
I cannot make you happy, I'm learning love and money never do,
But I can pour myself out tell I'm empty trying to be just who you want me to.
But I cannot make you happy, even though our love is true
For there is a break in the cup that holds love inside of you
Now I begin to understand you, as you explain this fear you feel.
It's when you see me fall into that sorrow, it makes you doubt the love is real
Because the lonely wind still blows through me I turn away so you can't see.
But now how could I still be so empty, with all this love you poor out on me?
I guess you cannot make me happy, that's a money back guarantee.
But you can poor yourself out tell your empty trying to be just who I want you to be
You cannot make me happy, It’s just the law of gravity
In that break in the cup that holds love inside of me.
So if you’re tempted to rescue me drowning in this quick sand up to my neck
Before you grab my hand to save me why don't you ask me if I'm finished yet.
Because you cannot make me happy, Not when I'm empty inside of me
But you can pull yourself right in here with me,
My misery would love to have your company.
We cannot trade empty for empty, We must go to the water fall
For there is a break in the cup that holds love inside us all
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• Characteristics of Successful Marriages
o Five to One Ratio
o Increase emotional responsiveness and sense of connection
o Able to decrease the negativity in the negative
o Able to increase the positive in the negative
GOALS FOR THIS COURSE
1. Increase Emotional Responsiveness
a. Goal: To rediscover respect and a curiosity for knowing my mate
i. Develop a positive lens for mate
ii. Focus on the positive
iii. Look at mate with new eyes
iv. Learn to communicate emotions
2. Enhance Physical Desire
a. Goal: Choose to engage in the discipline of oneness
i. Inhibited sexual and relational desire is a primary problem
ii. Identify ways you avoid intimacy and why?
3. Increase Spiritual Connectedness
• Goal: Physical and Relational Intimacy
• The Three Components of Desire
i. Physiological
ii. Belief and Motivational component
a. What do you believe it about and why should you?
b. Initial sexual experiences
iii. Choice Component
a. Barriers
i. Resentments
ii. Anger
iii. Control
• Spiritual Desire
o Goal: Develop a deeper meaning for your relationship
 Focus on learning how to love
 Learn to see God in one another
 Develop a common spiritual focus
In Married for Life, it will be important for you to be there, to be present for your marriage and
for your own continued recovery. Refer to this set of questions as necessary to remind yourself
and your mate how to be present.
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ARE YOU THERE? - QUESTIONS DDMMYY DDMMYY
From your viewpoint, is your partner accessible to you?
1. I can get my partner's attention easily. T F
2. My partner is easy to connect with emotionally. T F
3. My partner shows me that I come first with him/her. T F
4. I am not feeling lonely or shut out in this relationship. T F
5. I can share my deepest feelings with my partner. S/he will listen. T F
From your viewpoint, is your partner responsive to you?
1. If I need connection and comfort, s/he will be there for me. T F
2. My partner responds to signals that I need him/her to come close. T F
3. I find I can lean on my partner when I am anxious or unsure. T F
4. Even when we fight or disagree, I know that I am important to my
partner and we will find a way to come together. T F
5. If I need reassurance about how important I am to my partner, I can
get it. T F
Are you positively emotionally engaged with each other?
1. I feel very comfortable being close to, trusting my partner. T F
2. I can confide in my partner about almost anything. T F
3. I feel confident, even when we are apart, that we are connected to
each other. T F
4. I know that my partner cares about my joys, hurts, and fears. T F
5. I feel safe enough to take emotional risks with my partner. T F
Score one point for each positive. If you scored over 7 then your relationship is well connected,
but if not then you might want to work on the emotional responsiveness in the relationship.
Share your answers with your mate. Remember, this is about how you’re feeling about the
current state of the relationship, it’s not about whether either of you have been perfect. It
does give you a place to start from. Don’t be discouraged, if there weren’t problems there
would be no need for this course.
WEEK #1 QUESTIONS FOR “MARRIAGE”

1. What messages about love/marriage did you receive from your parents? Your community?
Was reaching out to others seen as a strength and resource?
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2. Before your present relationship, did you experience a safe, loving relationship, with
someone you trusted and could turn to if needed?
3. Did past relationships teach you that loved ones were unreliable and that you had to be
vigilant and fight to be seen and responded to?
4. Can you remember a time when you really needed to know a loved one was with you? If
they weren’t what did you learn from it? How did you cope?
5. In your present relationship, can you ask your partner, let him or her see, when you need
closeness and comfort?
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LESSON NOTES
Review the Group Commitments at the beginning of each call.
1. High/Low
2. Share about something from the video that either made you stop and think or that really
encouraged you.
3. In what ways do you see yourself growing in your capacity to love?
4. What personal flaws or weaknesses must you overcome in order to show love
consistently?
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5. In what ways do you see your spouse growing in their capacity to love you?
6. What do you think about the notion that love is a choice?
7. Does anyone know how the Bible defines love?
1 Corinthians 13:4 “Love is patient, kind, does not boast, does not envy, is not proud. It is
not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love
does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always
hopes, always perseveres.“
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MFL 2018 Week 1

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MARRIED FOR LIFE : INTRODUCTION

CONTRACT – MARRIED FOR LIFE

Signed ________________ Date //

Signed ________________ Date //

Signed ________________ Date //

Signed ________________ Date //

GROUP COMMITMENTS – MARRIED FOR LIFE

I try so hard to please you. To be the love that feels you up

WEEK #1 QUESTIONS FOR “MARRIAGE”

3. In what ways do you see yourself growing in your capacity to love?

6. What do you think about the notion that love is a choice?

7. Does anyone know how the Bible defines love?

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