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Jennifer Bernal

Professor Kardell

ENG101

31 August 2018

Who Really Am I?

Growing up I always thought I was Mexican, I thought I looked like one, I thought I

spoke like one, I thought I acted like one. As I gotten older and moving from one grade level to

the next more and more people started to doubt my authenticity. I remember I was a freshman in

high school, this guy named Ruben came up to me and introduced himself. We started to have a

normal conversation like: what’s your name, age, what you do for fun, just usual topics to get to

know someone. During that conversation, he asked me, “is there anyone you dislike from the

class yet?” and I responded, “yo no voy soltar la sopa, ese chisme no voy soltar a

cualquiera”(I’m not going to spill the soup, that gossip I don’t give to just anyone). Ruben was

shocked, he had made an “O” with his mouth and eyes full of shock. I asked him, “what?”, he

replied by saying, “you speak Spanish? you’re Mexican? I honestly thought you were a white

girl”. I was absolutely flabbergasted and confused, like I was born from parents straight from

Mexico, like how do I not look like Mexican. That was the first time, I felt somewhat offended,

someone is challenging me on my identity.

Later that day during lunch, I went to my friends and I asked one friends who’s Latino if

I looked like a white girl. His response shocked me, he told me that I do look “gringa” and if he

didn’t know me, he would thought I was Caucasian just by the way I looked and spoke. I was

just staring at him with confusion, thinking to myself how on earth do I look white if I’m tanner

than you. My Latino friend, Reynaldo, was very pale, his skin color looked like the color of milk
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and yet people think he’s Mexican and not me. We both had dark hair, and we had similar skin

color, I was just a little bit tanner, we both wore those golden chain crosses as most Hispanics do

and I wasn’t considered one of them. I was very upset, but I wanted to prove them wrong, so I

went up to random people from my school and asked them, what nationality they think I am.

People who were non-Hispanic thought I was Mexican and people who were Latino thought I

was white. That made my blood boil, I was being shut down by my people, they didn’t consider

me one of them, I started to wonder if I’m not one of them then who am I?

After school was over, I went home, and I really started to dissect myself and started to

think what I can improve to make my social circle accept that I am Hispanic. I would look how

they would act, clothing, how they spoke, and I would try to simulate that, but still be my own

person. I practiced my Spanish all that night with my parents, so I can sound more authentic to

my friends even though I felt like the way I spoke was fine. The next day, I went to school, I

dressed how my friends dressed, I had some shorts, a bold pattern top that was somewhat tight

and sandals. When I arrived, I went with my group of friends and I was talking in Spanish with

them and everything was fine. I didn’t get any weird looks or any criticisms, so I thought I

defended my title as being Hispanic.

But, later on in day, it turns out I didn’t defend my title because my two best friends,

Reynaldo (Latino) and Inaya (Black), were having lunch together and I joined them. Inaya was

explaining to us how her dad doesn’t call me by name because he forgets my name all the time. I

asked her, “how is that possible my name is as basic as it gets?”, her reply was, “I don’t he just

calls you Becky”. My two best friends were laughing, and they were saying that, that name fit

me. I’m like how is that possible, I’m not white nor basic, because Becky has that kind of stigma.

I was really like hurt because I felt like I’m a complete opposite of a white girl or Caucasian.
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After that lunch, they started to call me “Becky” as my new nickname and it would infuriate me.

I would tell them to stop but they kept trying make “Becky” my new identity. I asked them,

“what can I do to make you guys considered me Hispanic and for you guys to stop calling me

Becky?”. They told me, “You’re like vanilla with some dolce de leche, you kind of act more on

the Caucasian side, meaning the way you speak, and how you act. You’re not the typical

Hispanic who talks really fast and speak in a loud voice, you know how to control yourself a

little more. You’re not as loud or have as much of a strong personality as a regular Latina, you’re

a little bit more on the humble side but you still have that little spicy in you.”. When they first

told me that I was like “what the heck” but as I started to think about it more it made sense. I

realized I don’t have a very strong personality or as much confidence as a Latina, I was a bit

more reserved but when provoked my Latina fire comes out and everybody better stand back. I

also found out that with the traditional Hispanic values, I don’t really agree with, I thought they

were very old-fashioned and sexist. Then slowly I started to accept I’m not fully Mexican as I

thought I was, I’m more modernized or “Americanized”.

As the year goes on, I started to accept that I won’t be considered fully Mexican but

that’s okay because I’m not 100% Mexican, it’s in my DNA, I grew up in that culture, and I

speak the language, but I choose what part of my heritage I want as part as my identity. Same

thing with my American culture, I choose what I want to keep for my identity. I may look

somewhat Caucasian for my pale skin, my newly dyed blonde hair, and my obsession with

Starbucks, but I’m not as bubbly or overly adventures as Caucasians I met before. I will not be

joining them to jump off bridges or play with the Ouija Board to have an “adventure” as they as

say. But, I do agree with their modern and progressive views as far as equal pay for both women

and men, to not depend on your spouse for income, and do what makes you happy. I think
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Americans are very progressive and try not stay with traditions, where in Latino culture they try

to hold you back to follow the traditions. For example, marrying a spouse with money to depend

on them, be something realistic like a doctor, and what not. In my opinion, Americans or

Caucasians are more free-spirted and are open to change and that’s something I can agree with,

that’s why I think I get along with them because we have similar views.

Of course, they will never truly accept me as one of them because to them I have an

accent while I speak English, so I sound funny to them. They might think, I’m a little too loud,

speak too loud for them, or may think I have too much common sense for them because I don’t

want to play the Ouija Board, and I’m totally cool with that. But, overall where you go you can

connect with people, you may not have similar cultures, but there are bound to be a few

experiences that you have similarities with. Where ever you go and hang out with humans with

mutually have respect for you if you respect them. You can truly connect with anyone if you

both have mutual respect, you may have totally completely upbringings or cultures, but there will

be a few experiences you both share and new social circle and form. Even in social circles you

feel like you really identify with, you will not have similar experiences because everyone grows

up differently, you just may have a little bit more in common with them.

That’s what I learned, yes you may identify with this group because you have so many

things in common, but you won’t have everything common. For example, most of my Latino

friends have been with a chancla (flip flop) and I never been hit with one, but I know is an

Hispanic culture thing. You will find similarities in many different social groups that you may

have never thought you had in common. Any group there will be similarities and differences and

that’s ok, you shouldn’t just me stuck in one identity, it’s ok to have many identities because

everyone has differences and different experiences and we should embrace them. It’s ok to be
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Mexican, Caucasian, female, young or whatever you identify with because all that is a part of

you. No human is black and white, everyone is complex and has many layers to them, they’re

like a book you have to keep reading it to understand them even then you may not fully

understand. So, it’s okay to have different identities and is someone tries to question it, who

cares what they think, they don’t know who you are what you’re about. As long as you know

who you are then that what really matters.