MODEL RESPONSE TO WRITER’S STATEMENT 1 TASK

In order to receive 30/30 points on Writer’s Statement 1, your contrast paragraph should
approximate the Model Response given below.

Writing Task:

Write a compare/contrast paragraph in which you contrast Process Paragraph A and Process
Paragraph B below with respect to the model paragraph structure. Use specific examples from
Process Paragraph A and Process Paragraph B in your compare/contrast paragraph.

Model Response:

The extensive use of the model paragraph structure in Paragraph B makes it more coherent and

understandable than Paragraph A. First, there is no narrowed topic or controlling idea in the

topic sentence of Paragraph A. Instead, the writer states that “millions of people around the

world love to eat eggs.” This statement misses the purpose of the process paragraph topic

sentence, which is to name the process that will be explained. In contrast, there is both a

narrowed topic and controlling idea in the topic sentence of Paragraph B. Specifically, the

narrowed topic is, “to make a cup of delicious Bi Luo Chun green tea,” and the controlling idea

is, “follow the next five steps.” Second, there are no uses of transitional expressions in

Paragraph A, but there are seven transitional expressions in Paragraph B. To illustrate,

Paragraph B uses the following transitional expressions: “first, second, third, fourth, for

example, to be specific, and finally.” These expressions make logical connections between the

supporting ideas and therefore increase the cohesion of the paragraph. Third, there are no

supporting details used at all in Paragraph A. However, Paragraph B uses many supporting

details. For instance, “3-4 teaspoons, 3-5 minutes and 170 F-180F (76C-84C)” would be

examples. These supporting details make the process more understandable and easier to

replicate for the reader. Fourth, Paragraph A is filled with colloquial language such as “a lot of”
and “stuff”, while Paragraph B is not. In particular, “I” and “you” are used in virtually every

sentence in Paragraph A, which creates a subjective as opposed to objective tone that is not

appropriate in academic writing. Finally, there is no concluding sentence in Paragraph A. “Once

I did that, but I gave the eggs to my little brother anyway” is not a concluding sentence because it

does not sum up the content of the paragraph. In short, Paragraph B is coherent and clear

because it contains all the important components of the model paragraph structure: a correct

topic sentence with appropriate parts, transitional expressions, supporting ideas, supporting

examples/details, academic language, and a concluding sentence.