Hello Parents!

It is a privilege to share some thoughts with you through the pages of this book. After you have read
it, I hope you will carry with you some suggestions that suit your need. I thank you for your time,
and the interest you are showing in the book.

In his enjoyable book Fatherhood, Bill Cosby asks and answers a question: You know the only people
who are always sure about the proper way to raise children? Those who never had any! With that as
a yardstick, would I, a father of four sons, qualify to write this book? Yes and No. No, because I erred
as a parent. Yes, because my wife, Mabel, and I gave parenting our untiring best. The good part is
that our four boys turned out right – devoted to God, disciplined and dutiful. That gave me one
reason to write the book. From beyond the grave, Benjamin Disraeli gave me another: The best way
to become acquainted with a subject is to write a book about it. With two good reasons I set about
writing. What you read now is the result.

In this book, Mabel and I share lessons we learned, with the benefit of hindsight, much reflection,
deep regret for the mistakes we committed, and a changed thinking that came from awareness. We
do not have all the answers. We can only share what little we know. Some ideas are plain
commonsense. Some may help you, when you adapt them to your situation. Replicating them
without modifying them to the needs of your unique child may not be a good idea. Despite these
ideas, the book will be only a footnote to the rich literature on Parenting. Then, why write this book?
Mother Teresa’s words come to mind – though I do not recall her exact words. She said that all that
she did was like a drop of water in the ocean. But added, that the ocean would be one drop less if
she did not do what she was doing. I will draw comfort from those words and hope that the book
will serve some small purpose.

Some people compliment us as a model family, with exemplary children. We gracefully accept their
compliment but give them an answer that surprises them. We tell them that we know of many good
parents who have not-so-good children. Why? Chances are they relied on their strengths. We did
not. Rather early, we learned an unforgettable lesson: it is the Lord who completes and perfects our
efforts. Let me phrase that differently: without Him in the equation, the problem is seldom solved. If
that is an axiom, why do some parents who trust in the Lord fail in their parenting roles? Because
they are yet to understand that trust is all or nothing. Trust the Lord only when we are confronted
with problems and at other times, act as we please – that is a contradiction. Trust is surrender. In the
words of Rick Warren: Surrendering is not for cowards or doormats. It does not mean giving up
rational thinking. Surrender does not weaken, but strengthen. True faith, is not just believing that the

Copyright ©Ignatius Fernandez 2010

Lord can; it is trusting that He will. Let the Lord take charge, because He reserves His best for those
who let Him take charge. And He does not disappoint those who anchor their trust in Him. Does it
mean that we hand over charge and watch Him work His wonders? No. We do our bit. We
understand the idea better when we read the Swedish Proverb: God gives every bird its worm, but
He does not throw it into the nest. The bird has to work for it. So, trusting Him we took proper steps
to instil in the children BASIC VALUES: Character is important; humility is not make-believe; courage
is not bravado; co-operation does not have an agenda; hard work is vital; excellence comes through
making sacrifices; there are no short cuts, and learning from mistakes is a sign of greatness. When
we did our part, the Lord stepped in to complete and perfect our parenting efforts. When the good
people who compliment us hear our explanation they think that we are deflecting the glory that
rightfully should be ours. They think that we are being modest. In time, we hope they find out that
there is truth in our response to their words of praise and that we are not falsely modest. Sonia
Choquette, author of the book The Wise Child, has wise words to describe a belief that we share
with her: The intuitively awakened and spiritually integrated parent who has a strong connection to
his or her own inner guidance and well being, makes it possible for that same sense to flourish in the
child.

When Mabel and I started life in 1969, we were completely blank on how to raise children. My
beloved parents set high standards and led by example. I was inspired to follow in their footsteps,
but did not know how. Mabel lost her parents when she was in her early teens, and missed out on
essential inputs from them. We had not read a book or attended a session on parenting. To put it
briefly, we were not equipped to start a family. Our parenting landscape was barren. So, much of
what we did in the early years of raising children was trial and error; more error. But in the stern and
demanding hands of Experience, we learned the hard way. Those lessons were like sentinels
watching over our parenting conduct. We also learned that even with the benefit of Experience, we
would be limited in our skills. It is when we feel helpless that we seek help. We sought help, to find it
in the Lord.

Very aptly Saint Augustine wrote: The measure of love is to love without measure. Dedicated parents
do exactly that, when they set the right example, give the right instructions and discipline children in
the right way; all done with great love. Take the example of a tasty dish. A good cook, a good recipe
and good ingredients must come together to produce a delicious dish. Even if one of the three
essentials is missing or compromised, the result is an insipid preparation. Likewise, in good parenting
the three essentials (discipline, instructions and example – DIE) synergize to produce good results.
Even if one of the essentials is missing or compromised, the result is disappointing. Consider a

Copyright ©Ignatius Fernandez 2010

parent who is a strict disciplinarian – rule enforcing. Because of his fixation on rules he ignores the
other needs of the child. In the same way, an instruction-spouting parent whose example is bad will
not inspire children to follow her good words. The DIE brick and mortar lays the solid foundation on
which the parenting edifice is built.

The DIE (Discipline, Instruction and Example) Module remains unchanged, but the methods used to
translate inputs into lessons for children will be different, because every child is unique and every
parenting situation different. No wonder specialists describe Parenting as an unending act of loving
children without taking time off, and expressing that love in more than a 100 ways; giving all,
expecting nothing; literally an outpouring of love. In the process, parents give up everything;
sometimes even die for their children. By doing that, all is not lost for parents. There is hope in the
words of Willa Cather: Where there is great love, there are always miracles. Every child born of love
– God’s and ours – and rooted in basic values is a miracle. We have four miracles, in our four sons.

One of the many reasons our children turned out right was that we lived our beliefs. Let me explain
that. Mabel and I believe that we cannot give our children what we do not have. This is one of the
main points, which will come up a few times in the book. If we did not have discipline in our lives,
how could we teach our children to be disciplined? So, to set them standards, we had to have higher
standards. To get them to perform, we had to perform better. We could not expect of them what we
would not do ourselves. For example, if we expected the children to shine their shoes, I ensured that
mine did shine well; if we wanted them to be prompt in their correspondence, we saw to it that
every letter/mail to us was replied promptly; if we urged them to be neat and tidy, we had to be
neat and tidy in our persons and in all that we did. This way, the children had no reason to complain
that they were set standards that were difficult to follow. We tried to lead and the children tried to
follow.

Jesus told a parable of huge dimensions – the parable of the farmer and the seed. The farmer
scatters seeds. Some seeds fall on rocks, on the wayside and among thorns; and some fall on fertile
ground. Only the seeds that fall on fertile ground grow and yield a rich harvest. The others grow for a
time, but soon perish because they cannot take root. It is the same situation with children. At home,
if their minds are made fertile, they can receive and nurture inputs. If their minds are not prepared,
even the best seeds will not take root. We have the responsibility of cultivating the minds of our
children. We cannot delegate or wish away that responsibility. When we have done that, the DIE
Module has meaning.

Copyright ©Ignatius Fernandez 2010

At times, it is the unexplained lesson that registers well. Let us watch Mother Teresa demonstrate it
for us. Jim Towey, a Senior Director in the USA Government, was visiting Mother Teresa’s Home. The
Mother handed him some cloth and antiseptic and told him to clean the wounds of a man with
scabies, who was near death. She gave Jim no explanation. It was not necessary, because her
example was strong enough to silence dissent. I was too proud to say I couldn’t do it, Jim said, and
added: Not the tiniest bit of me wanted to be with the poor. But he acted as he was instructed. That
meeting with Mother Teresa changed his life. Being with the poor and Mother Teresa, he said, was a
transforming experience. He discovered that one can serve without loving, but cannot love without
serving. He returned to assist Mother Teresa, for many years. In a way, it is the same thing with our
children. Sometimes they respond better to a love-filled look, an appreciative nod, a sunny smile, a
warm embrace or an act of spontaneous charity, than to long and laboured instructions. The power
of love prompts them to obey. Therefore, we have to vigilantly seize every opportunity to touch
their young hearts.

As we put children through their paces, doubts nag us: How will these children turn out 10-15 years
from now? What will they think and say of the things we have done for them? Will we get knocked
off our perch? Such doubts consume some of us, who take our eyes off our goal. Like Peter who
began to drown when he took his eyes off the Lord, we too flounder when our eyes stray from our
purpose. We expect praise, rewards and a sort of compensation for our labour. My father often said:
Expectation is a sure recipe for disappointment. His words and the wisdom of Saint Augustine would
be worth recalling: Where there is love, there is no labour; or, if there is labour, that labour is loved.
We shall have to genuinely love the labour of parenting. Otherwise we shall have much
disappointment in store. If we are not like torches that burn themselves in shedding light, our
children will be enveloped in darkness.

Often, the excuse - I am only human - creeps into our parenting psyche. It is the perfect excuse for
not being perfect. We tend to blame our fallen human nature for not putting in our best parenting
efforts. We wallow in self-pity and stop pushing ourselves to excel. What we must never forget is
that for every parenting failure, we are unleashing into society, a possible delinquent. If only Idi
Amin, Saddam Hussein, Adolf Hitler and Joseph Stalin had better parenting! That does not mean that
there are perfect parents. Only God is perfect. Good parents strive to get better by the day; they aim
higher; they do not rest on their laurels.

A monk goes to a river, picks up a stone from the water and breaks it, only to find it dry inside. The
water had not penetrated the stone although it was immersed in the river for many years. The monk

Copyright ©Ignatius Fernandez 2010

wonders. Perhaps, we too have reason to wonder. We are immersed in good thoughts through the
books we read, the talks we attend and the good advice we receive. Yet the good thoughts do not
penetrate our being; we remain unchanged. We are content applauding the good thoughts, not
wanting to go beyond the nice feeling. We do not reflect; we do not internalize the lessons that
come to us through our senses. How can we expect our children to change with the good thoughts
we give them, if we do not continually change with the benefit of the better thoughts we receive
through others? Doesn’t J. Edgar Hoover’s comment make sense? When children go astray, it isn’t
the fault of the children, but of their parents.

An Asian taxi driver was an instrument of change. Let us read how he does it. As he was driving
down one of the streets of New York, a man posing as a fare entered his cab and asked to be driven
to a certain location. A few hundred metres down the road, the man pulled out a gun and stuck it in
the ribs of the driver and snarled: Give me all you have. Turning his eyes away from the road, the taxi
driver looked the man in the eye and in a compassionate voice replied: Here, take all my money. You
must need it more than I do. I have a cab and can make money. But you can’t. So, take it. The man
grabbed the money. Then, looking bewildered, he hit his head three times with the gun and
incoherently muttered: You wake me up, man. You wake me up. For a while he sat thinking, as the
taxi driver continued to drive. Repeatedly nodding his head, he shoved the gun into his pocket,
threw the money on the seat and got off the cab at the next traffic light. He took nothing.

What does this true story teach us? That the sword violent people wield is blunted against the
stronger steel of compassion. That change can come even to hardened criminals. Perhaps the man
with the gun succeeded in relieving other taxi drivers of their money through angry threats and
violence. Here was one who was not afraid of the gun, because he was armed with something
superior – compassion. He saw the plight of a desperate man who used violent ways to pluck money
out of timid hands. He responded differently. His readiness to give all he had and the way he
rationalized his action, confused and troubled the man with the gun. Never before had he come face
to face with compassion. He was felled by a feather. He could not take money from one who did not
resist; one who yielded willingly; one who put the other man’s need above his. You wake me up,
man. Those words showed that there was a time when he had good thoughts. Now those good
thoughts were pushed away to make room for bad thoughts that got him material gain. Suddenly,
the words and action of the taxi driver roused those good thoughts. Now, he could not act as before.
He stepped out of the cab not taking the money that was offered to him.

Copyright ©Ignatius Fernandez 2010

Like the taxi driver there are many people who try to reach us, in an attempt to draw us away from
some undesirable thoughts and actions. How do we respond? Defend or deny. We defend our way
of thinking even when we know we are not in the right. If that does not work, we stoutly deny wrong
doing. We do not want to exit the comfort zone of accustomed habits. We refuse to change, to our
detriment. What is the consequence? Because we refuse to change, unlike the man with the gun, we
set a bad example to our children who find reason to be stubborn in their truant ways. The Master
was right when he said that we reap as we sow.

Surprisingly in some families, the harvest is richer in quality to the seed sown. The Pastor was
overwhelmed when he found that his 11 year old son exceeded expectations. He and his son
distributed tracts every Sunday afternoon. One Sunday, it was raining heavily; and it was dreadfully
cold. The boy was dressed and ready, though the Pastor was reluctant to step out because it was
very cold. Eager to do what he did every Sunday, the boy begged his father to let him do the rounds.
The father yielded. For more than two hours the boy distributed tracts, moving from street to street.
He was completely wet and cold. With the streets deserted, he wondered to whom he would give
the last copy. On an impulse he decided to knock on the first door he saw. He knocked and rang the
door bell. No one answered. Perhaps, there was no one at home, he figured and wanted to leave
and try another door. Something told him to try again. He kept knocking the door and ringing the
bell, until an old lady opened the door. She asked him what he wanted, to which he replied that he
had a tract to give her and a message that God loved her.

The next Sunday at Church, an old lady stood up to give testimony. She began by saying that she had
not been to that Church before. Then she narrated her story. Her husband died leaving her alone.
She felt uncared for and unwanted. There was much sadness in her heart. To put an end to it, she
decided to put an end to her life. So, she went up to the attic and planned to hang herself. That was
when she heard the incessant knocking on the door and ringing of the bell. She was puzzled because
no one visited her. Who could it be on such a cold and wet day? She came down to check. She saw a
sweet little boy with an angelic smile telling her that God loved her. After he left she read every
word in the tract the boy gave her. Slowly she made her way up to the attic and took down the rope
with which she wanted to hang herself. Now she would not need it. She decided to live because God
loved her; He cared, she was sure. The boy had been sent to stop her from a foolish act. There was
not a dry eye in the Church as the old lady completed her testimony even as the Pastor wept
uncontrollably, as he held his son in a tight embrace. Some children become heroes without wanting
to be.

Copyright ©Ignatius Fernandez 2010

That brings me to the reason I chose the title The Child is Father of the Man, for this book. As you
know, the words are taken from a short poem Rainbow by William Wordsworth. In the poem, he
wrote of his childhood fascination for rainbows, which stayed with him in his adult life. Habits
formed in childhood, he suggests, continue into adulthood. What the child is, the man will become,
is the poet’s refrain. In large measure, I subscribe to the poet’s thinking – as the twig is bent, so
inclined will be the tree. We receive the right support from Carl Jung who writes: Childhood sketches
a more complete picture of the self, or the whole man, in his pure individuality, than adulthood. We
have a huge responsibility in forming the child. The child, so formed, will shape the man he will
become. The relationship between our children and us in the early years will largely determine the
path that relationship will take in adolescence and young adulthood. This fact is confirmed by Louise
Bates Ames: In the final analysis, it is your relationship with your child, even more than the use of
good techniques that gets you smoothly through the day. The Pastor had every reason to be happy
with the relationship he had with his little son. He was hopeful that the twig that was not bent,
because of blessings from God and his parenting efforts, would grow into a strong and sturdy upright
tree. He could vouch that Parenting responsibilities start at the birth of the child. Correction: before
the birth of the child.

I did not change a single diaper or potty-train my children. Thankfully, my wife took over such duties.
With her, I focussed on inculcating values and updating knowledge in our children. It was no easy
task. When they began to live the values we gave them, we were delighted. We discovered that it
was not the money we earned, or the possessions we acquired, but our children who were our finest
achievement. God, introduced into the equation, had worked wonders in them. He had completed
and perfected our efforts. But our efforts, however inadequate were necessary. They gave God the
reason to lend us a helping hand. That explains the sub-title of the book: Your child, your finest
achievement.

I use the pronoun ‘we’ in most places, because I am a parent like you. Besides, as I try to share my
thoughts with you, I learn. In some places I use the term ‘parents’, the category to which we belong.
More often than not, I refer to the child as a son. No gender bias is intended. Probably, my having
four sons and no daughters has something to do with it. I hope that those of you who have only
daughters will not label me as one who is partial to boys. The fact, that I welcomed and accepted the
girls, who married my four boys, as my daughters (not daughters-in-law), should redeem me in some
way. On purpose, in some places, I refer to the child as a daughter.

Copyright ©Ignatius Fernandez 2010

I like anecdotes and quotations, particularly when they strengthen the point I am trying to make.
When I was in university, I read words that were credited to Sir Isaac Newton, which had an impact
on my young mind. After more than 50 years, I do not recall Newton’s exact words, though the
impact of his words has not deserted me. He said that, standing on the shoulders of giants who went
before him, he was able to see farther into the horizon. Leveraging the words and deeds of giants,
who went before us, we are able to see things more clearly, he implied. That was a life-time lesson
for me. Since then I have relied on the words of giants and stories of them (and even common folk),
to reinforce the points I try to make. That is why you will find many quotations and anecdotes in this
book. I hope you enjoy reading them.

When writing this book, Mabel was an enormous help to me. She scanned the book at every stage.
Good at proof-reading, she checked for errors in sentence construction and punctuation. My
children gave me solid support. Ivan, my third son, designed the front cover and wrote the back
cover text; and Leo my first son, with Ivan, took many initiatives to promote the book.

I kneel in thanksgiving to my Lord and Master, Jesus, for blessing me as a parent, for the great family
He gave me and for the opportunity to write this book.

God bless you and your family. I hope you enjoy your parenting journey and see your children as
your finest achievement.

Ignatius Fernandez.

All rights reserved, including the right of reproduction in whole or in part in any form. Any
unauthorized use of this copyrighted material is prohibited without the express written
permission of the author.

Copyright ©Ignatius Fernandez 2010