Building Self-Confidence

Developing the Skills You Need to be Confident

 This eBook © Copyright 2007

www.Self-Improvement-eBooks.com

All Rights Reserved

 Table of Contents

What is Self Confidence? An Introduction 3

Chapter 1 – Ways We Criticize Ourselves 6

Chapter 2 – Gaining Compassion for Yourself 11

Chapter 3 – Values and Your Belief System 15

Chapter 4 – How to Handle Mistakes 20

Chapter 5 – Don’t Say Yes When You Really Mean No 26

Chapter 6 – How to Ask for What You Want 30

Chapter 7 – Setting Goals & Breaking Habits 34

Chapter 8 – Visualization Techniques 38

Chapter 9 – Using Affirmations to Develop Self Confidence 44

Chapter 10 – Developing Self Confidence in Children 47

Chapter 11 – Tips for Developing Self Confidence 53

2
 What Is Self Confidence? An Introduction

Self-confidence is an attitude that allows people to have positive, realistic views of

themselves and situations that involve them. People who are self-confident show that
they have control over their lives and their abilities, no matter what happens. They
believe that they will be able to do what they set their mind to with a positive outcome.
Self-confident people don’t always expect to be able to do everything by themselves;
however, they have a healthy and practical approach to everything that comes their way.

Self-confidence doesn’t necessarily enter into every aspect of a person’s life. For
example, someone may exhibit self-confidence at home but not at work, or during certain
situations and not others. Everyone has some areas of their life that they feel more
confident about than others. Areas that people are specially trained in or have learned
about are areas that they will generally have the most confidence about. For instance,
someone who went to college and graduated with a degree in mathematics will feel most
confident when discussing or using mathematics.

It’s only natural to feel uneasy about situations that you don’t have total control of or
don’t know much about. However, when you have a lack of self-confidence, you rarely
feel in control of situations and often don’t trust your own feelings or knowledge.

There are many factors that influence your ability to have confidence in yourself.
Surprisingly, lack of ability or knowledge doesn’t seem to be related to a lack of self-
confidence. Often, people who are self-confident may display those characteristics no
matter what the situation is and people who lack self-confidence tend to show little self-
confidence even in areas that they excel.

There are many factors involved in developing self-confidence. You need to have a
positive self-image. This is important to a fully developed sense of self and gives you the
ability to build confidence. Another factor is how you view the world. A positive
attitude goes a long way towards feeling confident in many situations. You also need to

3
be able to rely on your own ideas and beliefs rather than take on those of others. Many
people with low self-esteem or self-confidence place too much importance on what others
think. Learning to think for yourself and being able to express those thoughts to others is
key to feeling good about yourself.

Another factor that comes into play when dealing with self-confidence issues is how you
deal with mistakes that you make. When you were a child your parents set the tone for
how you treat mistakes as an adult. Whether they yelled at you or took over for you, if
they didn’t let you learn naturally from your mistakes you may be handling them poorly
as an adult. Understanding that mistakes are a part of everyday life for everyone is
important in developing self-confidence. The fear of making a mistake can cause you to
freeze into non-action.

Depression can actually stem from a lack of self-confidence. When you consistently feel
self-critical about what you do and things in your life it can lead to becoming depressed.
Although depression can have many roots, lacking self-confidence can contribute to it.

Everyone feels unsure or a lack of confidence from time to time. However, if you have
low self-confidence most of the time you can take action to change it. There are
strategies to help you overcome your lack of self-confidence. This book will show you
ways to help you become a more confident person.

Building self-confidence is a process that takes effort and commitment. Learning about
what causes a lack of self-confidence helps in taking action to boost it.

Each chapter contains useful information about particular aspects that affect your self-
confidence. Read the book as a whole or take each chapter separately as you need it. At
the end of each chapter is an exercise to help you learn about yourself and practice
techniques to boost your self-confidence level.

4
Exercise – Determine Your Strengths & Weaknesses

This exercise will help you determine your strengths and weaknesses, and will help you
learn more about yourself. You can refer to these lists while reading the book.

List your Weaknesses - Write down what you consider to be your weaknesses or faults.
Use positive words instead of negative ones. Try not to exaggerate. Use descriptive
language. Be as specific as possible.

List your Strengths – Make a list of all your strengths. Try to list as many as possible.
If you have trouble coming up with strengths, ask someone who knows you well to assist
you. Avoid backhanded compliments.

5
 Chapter 1 – Ways We Criticize Ourselves

There are two types of criticism. One comes from others - they may criticize us and
evaluate us. This criticism usually comes from our parents or family members. They are
sometimes overly critical of us and what we do. From the time we are born we are aware
of what others think about us. We grow up wanting and needing the approval of others.
First, we need our parent’s approval. We learn to do things that they want us to do so
that they will give us approval. These learned behaviors became our usual pattern for
dealing with issues.

Somewhere through the growing process, we learned to turn the criticism inward,
towards ourselves. Our parents may be gone but we are still giving ourselves criticism
that our parents used to. This has become so automatic that we don’t even realize we are
doing it.

In order to change and grow, we need to change and eliminate the self-criticism. This is
no easy task because this is a habit we have cultivated over a great length of time. You
need to stop being critical of yourself and overly harsh on yourself.

People who are perfectionists tend to be harder on themselves than they should be. If you
are a perfectionist you need to take heed and learn to allow yourself to be less than
perfect. Many perfectionists avoid doing things unless they know they are good at them.
This limits their ability to learn and experience new things in life.

In order to build self-confidence you need to be strong in your beliefs and not listen to
criticism. This is often very hard to do. After someone has criticized you harshly it’s
hard not to replay the harsh words over and over in our heads. You can listen to the
criticism, take it in, but then not let it affect you. This requires some practice, as you
have become programmed over the years to respond to criticism.

6
Start by becoming aware of criticism and being able to distinguish between negative
criticism and constructive criticism. Negative criticism is aimed at us personally and
does not include anything to help guide us in a better direction. If someone gives us a
negative comment without offering a suggestion on how to improve it, this could qualify
as negative criticism. Be aware of negative people who seem to get enjoyment out of
tearing others down. They may not have your best interest at heart. In fact, they may be
way off base when it comes to what they are telling you. This is because they may have
skewed perception. They also may feel a certain amount of jealousy towards others and
the negativity stems from their own insecurities. People who have negative attitudes or
who offer negative criticism should be considered toxic and you should try to avoid
dealing with them as much as possible.

If you do need to deal with negative people, reassure yourself that you are worthy of what
you do. Remind yourself that this person is only offering one opinion and that you don’t
need to put value in that opinion. Finally, tell yourself that your opinion is really the only
one that counts and you are fine.

Constructive criticism can actually provide benefits to you. Constructive criticism offers
comments and follows up with suggestions for change, and is an honest attempt to help
you in some way. In order for you to take in the comments and try something new you
need to be open to change. Remember, though, that the person offering the constructive
criticism is also just a person, with opinions, just as you are. You are free to consider
their comments but are not required to act on them.

Try not to dwell on any type of criticism. Over-thinking anything is usually spending too
much time on something that isn’t that important. Again, remember that you are the
person that you have to please and if you are happy, that’s all that counts (as long as
you’re not hurting anyone in the process).

Place the most value in your own criticism and be sparing with that as well. People can
be just as harsh on themselves as they can be of others, sometimes even more so. Take

7
care to treat yourself with respect and love, as you would others. Don’t be too hard on
yourself. Often, if you are overly critical of yourself it stems from parents that were over
critical of you when you were young. You may hear your parents telling you in your
head when you do something wrong. Their words may still be with you today, even as an
adult. Take charge of your life and become your own person. As an adult you don’t need
to take criticism from others and you certainly don’t need to give yourself negative
criticism.

You listen to your inner critic because it has become your strategy for dealing with
negative situations. You actually may feel comforted by having this voice inside you
telling you how to cope with situations. To find out when your inner critic is at work
write down situations during the day where you are critical of yourself. At the end of the
day find out what role your critic played in your day and what feelings you were
avoiding.

Don’t over-analyze. Many people that have low self-confidence tend to over-analyze
every situation and conversation. Long after the fact they are still dwelling on exactly
what was said, how it was said and what was meant by it. They tend to come up with
other ideas later for how they should have responded. You Don’t need to analyze
everything about it. Live in the here and now. In order to do that you need to let go of
any preconceived notions about yourself and others. Stop judging yourself negatively.

Try to see yourself in true light. Avoid making overgeneralizations about yourself. If
you have one mistake it doesn’t necessarily follow that you will make other mistakes as
well. When you over generalize you use words such as never, always, every, none,
nobody, everybody, etc. These words tend to lead you to incorrect conclusions.

Filtering is a method we use to see the world the way we want to see it. We look at the
world only through our own filter and don’t believe that there is another way to see
things. To change this we need to first realize that we do it. Once we recognize that we
can try to stop doing it.

8
Self-blame is thinking that is distorted because you blame yourself for everything, even
when it isn’t your fault. Sometimes you blame yourself for things that are out of your
control or that you can only partially control. One way to notice that you are living with
self-blame is to hear yourself apologizing often. You may notice that you apologize for
things other people do that you have no control over. Start to take notice when you
apologize for things that aren’t your fault. Stop saying you’re sorry when you haven’t
done anything wrong.

9
Exercise – Responding to Criticism
This exercise will help you learn how to filter and respond to criticism. Negative
criticism can do damage to frail self-confidence. Keep in mind that when others criticize
you they may have their own agenda. Learn to recognize what isn’t true and respond to
those who criticize you.

When you receive criticism follow these steps before responding.

1. Look at the criticism objectively. Don’t automatically agree with it.
2. Ask yourself what the critic is saying. Make sure you understand.
3. Is the criticism constructive?
4. Is the criticism accurate?
5. If it is inaccurate, correct the misconception with the critic.
6. If it is accurate, acknowledge it to the critic and move on.

Many times criticism has roots in accuracy but is partially incorrect. In this case, make
sure you respond to the misconceptions and acknowledge the parts that are true. When
you respond to the critic, be calm and prepared. If you need to, take some time and
respond later once you have had a chance to review the situation completely.

10
 Chapter 2 - Gaining Compassion For Yourself

You’ve probably heard the old saying that you need to love yourself before you can love
anyone else. As trite as it sounds, this is really true. In order for you to cultivate other
relationships you must have a good relationship with yourself. One way we defeat
ourselves is by not having compassion for ourselves.

Compassion means feeling empathy and having a true understanding of what you’re
going through. You may have compassion for others but don’t show yourself the same
thing. If you don’t have compassion for yourself you may also find that you don’t have
compassion for others.

Compassion is comprised of several factors - understanding, acceptance and forgiveness.

Trying to understand is the first step in the direction of compassion. Whether it is an
understanding of something important about yourself or someone else, truly
understanding gives you a fresh new perspective. Try to put yourself in the position of
the other person. Understanding can bring new and different responses. Instead of the
same old response, having insight enables you to break free of the usual responses.
Sometimes understanding is easy but other times it can be very difficult. If you are
having trouble understanding someone step back and take some time away. Then face
the situation again. Continue to try to look at the situation until you can really understand
it. Often we don’t take that time and either jump to conclusions or discount the other
person’s view.

Acceptance is an acknowledgement of the facts, without making a judgment. Acceptance

asks us to accept without approving or disapproving. To truly accept you need to put
aside any preconceived notions and simply accept. Acceptance of yourself means that
you really accept certain things about yourself and no longer either try to change them or
use them as a self-putdown. You may know the facts about someone but need to refrain
from making any judgments and know that they are who they are. Acceptance is

11
sometimes a lacking component in a marriage. Without truly accepting your partner for
who they are, you are judging and hoping they will change.

Forgiveness flows from understanding and acceptance. Without understanding and

acceptance it is hard, if not impossible, to have forgiveness. Forgiveness allows you to
move forward without dwelling on a situation or mistake. It does not mean that you
forget it or that you shouldn’t learn from it. It only means that you accept the situation
for what it is and are able to look to the future. Often, people get hung up on the
forgiveness step because they can’t move on, stuck in the situation. They may feel as
though they will forget if they move forward so they continue to dwell in the past, going
over scenarios over and over again. If you are the one who made a mistake, forgiveness
is necessary to move forward.

Compassion can be cultivated. It takes experience and practice to harbor compassion

both for you and for others. Give yourself a break. When something goes wrong don’t
automatically think the worst or expect the worst. Try to first give yourself a break.
Think about children. We automatically treat children with more compassion than we do
adults. When a child feels badly we come to their aid. We may hug them and tell them
that everything will be all right. Do the same for yourself. Instead of beating yourself up
over a problem or mistake think about nurturing yourself.

In order to become compassionate you need to work towards being more compassionate
every day. You need to make a commitment to a new way of thinking. Begin by placing
importance on the commitment. You will have to replace negativity with compassionate
responses. These are born through understanding, acceptance and forgiveness. When
faced with a situation, work through the components of compassion.

Start by asking yourself several questions to help you understand the situation, such as:
• What need was being met with the behavior?
• What awareness was an influence in the behavior?
• What feelings influenced the behavior?

12
Next, make three statements that help you to accept without judgment.
• I accept them (or myself) without judgment for feeling of wrongdoing.
• I wish _(Blank)_ hadn’t happened but it was only an attempt to meet their or my
needs.
• No matter the outcome of the decision, I accept the person who did it as they did
the best they could.

Finally, make two forgiveness statements about the situation.

• I can let it go, it’s over.
• Nothing is owed for the mistake.

Use this technique by writing down the various questions and statements each time the
situation arises. Once you are used to the technique you can go through the steps and
statements easily in your mind. Remember not to skip any steps and don’t let yourself
off the hook. These apply to you as well as to situations involving others.

Try to remember to treat yourself well. When something bad happens try to stop yourself
from jumping to conclusions or telling yourself you are a bad person. People with low
self-esteem listen to their inner voices that tell them they are bad or wrong or worthless.
Stop all the negative talk. Learn to have compassion for yourself.

As with many things, compassion is a positive response that can replace negative thought
patterns. Choose compassion as your new habit. Throw out negative thoughts. Every
one of us has both positive traits along with some negative ones. Everyone is good at
some things but also has some things they aren’t as good at. Praise yourself for the
positives but use the negatives as a learning tool. In fact, don’t even think of them as
negatives. Anything that fits into that area should be categorized as a possibility.

Learn to give yourself compliments. People with low self-confidence often have trouble
accepting compliments. To start with, list all the features and qualities about yourself

13
that you like. You can list both physical and intellectual qualities. Study the list. Add
three more things to the list. Practice telling yourself these positive things in front of a
mirror. Learn to accept compliments from others. If someone tells you they like your
outfit, don’t say “oh, this old thing?” Instead, a simple “thank you” will do. It will do
wonders for your self-confidence and will also build up the confidence of the person who
gave you the compliment. Remember that you are as deserving of compliments as
anyone else.

14
Exercise for Learning to Feel Compassion

Watch television!

This exercise will help you learn to feel compassion for others. The purpose is to give
you a safe and non-threatening situation to practice putting aside any snap judgments and
help you get insight into points of view you normally don’t get a chance to see.

Choose a television show to watch that you don’t usually watch. Pick a show that is
totally opposite of a show you would normally see. If you usually like comedies, choose
a drama, if you like game shows choose a soap opera. You get the picture.

Now watch the show, being sure to pay close attention to it. Whenever you feel bored,
irritated or disgusted, don’t turn the channel. Instead, put those feelings aside and focus
back on the program. Tell yourself that even though this isn’t a show you like, you can
set aside your feelings and watch it. Don’t be judgmental.

Think about the people who regularly watch the show. What do you imagine they get out
of it? Try to understand the many things that may attract people to the show. Think
about what the people who watch the show are like.

15
 Chapter 3 - Values and Your Belief System

If you want to increase your self-confidence you need to know and live by your own
values and belief system. People who lack self-confidence seem to take on the beliefs of
those around them, agreeing with people. They may be afraid to show their true selves
for fear of rejection. They may be afraid that others will not approve of them or their
views and are therefore not willing to say what they really think. Instead they go along
with the crowd so they feel as though they fit in better.

In reality, if you don’t show your views and your own values, you aren’t letting people
see the real you. You are hiding behind a façade that few, if any, people can penetrate.
In order to be able to show your views you need to understand your own values and
belief system.

Take some time to evaluate your own thoughts and feelings about major issues. One way
to do this is through journaling. Journaling allows you to write down your own thoughts
and feelings every day. The more often you journal the better you will be able to come to
know yourself. Try journaling every evening before going to bed. You can write about
anything that happened that day. You can then go back to your journal later to learn
more about yourself. With today’s hectic lifestyle it’s hard to spend time evaluating
yourself. Your journal can help you uncover things about yourself that can help improve
your self-confidence.

Everyone has his or her own belief system. Often families share similar values but even
people who are related to one another may have slightly different beliefs. Make sure that
you aren’t just like a chameleon, taking on the values or beliefs of those around you.

Everyone has certain things they feel they should do or certain ways they feel they should
act. These ideas started when you were young. Often, your parents told you what you
should and should not do. As an adult you may feel guilt when you ignore or dismiss one
of the things you think you should do.

16
“Shoulds” affect your self-confidence. They are rules you are trying to follow that may
actually be unhealthy for you. “Shoulds” demand you to act in ways that may be
impossible. You may be living with childhood shoulds. These are ideas that may have
served you well as a child but need to be revised or gotten rid of entirely.
How do you know what your ‘shoulds’ are and how they serve you? Make a list of all
the things you tell yourself you should do.

Some of the things we have always told ourselves to believe may not be healthy for us.
We can’t be all things to all people. Healthy values are those that are flexible. There are
no such things as rigid rules. Our values have to be able to reflect the unique
circumstances that happen all the time. Healthy values are truly believed, not just forced
upon us. When our parents told us to feel a certain way, that didn’t make us
automatically feel it. In order for values to be healthy we need to take them as our own.
The values also need to be realistic. If you have unrealistic values you will never be able
to attain them, thus setting yourself up for failure every time. Healthy values help
enhance your life, not cause you undue stress or put restrictions on you. You need to be
able to be free to follow your true self, wherever that may lead you. Values that are too
near-sighted restrict you from reaching out of your small comfort zone. While staying in
your comfort zone may feel good, it will not let you become your full self. Fear keeps us
from straying from our comfort zone and keeping unhealthy values gives us an excuse for
staying frozen.

Understand that everyone has different values and beliefs. Don’t be afraid that people
won’t like you if they know what your beliefs are. You need to be true to yourself.
Finding your authentic self takes time and diligence, but when you are true to yourself
you feel good about yourself. You can stand up for what you believe in, even if others
don’t see things the same as you do.

17
Your friends and family will love you for who you are. True friends will stay with you
because they know the real you. They may not agree with everything you say but they
will respect you for having the ability to stand up for yourself and state your beliefs.

Beliefs are made as a response to basic needs. Your first beliefs were formed in response
to your parents. The need for love and approval generated beliefs that were the same as
your parents. You also look to your peers for acceptance and take on many of the same
beliefs as a way to fit in. Also, you may desire to fit into a certain group because of their
beliefs. All this is done rather subconsciously. Your need for physical and emotional
well being also helps form beliefs.

18
Exercise - Getting Rid of your “Shoulds”

“Shoulds” are things that you tell yourself you should do. This list of things has
accumulated throughout your life. “Shoulds” have come from many sources including
your parents and yourself.

Many “shoulds” can be eliminated from your list. These are giving you undue guilt and
negative self-talk. Getting rid of them will help boost your self-confidence level.

• Make a list of everything you can think of that is on your internal “should” list.
Think about all the aspects of your life and write everything down.
• Evaluate each item on the list. For each item, think about why it is on the list.
How did it get there? Is it still valid? Is it doing any good for you or is it actually
causing negativity?
• Make a new list of “shoulds” that you can eliminate. Write down specific ways
you can stop them. When you recognize a “should” come into play you will need
to counter it with positive inner talk to remind yourself not to listen to that
“should.”

19
 Chapter 4 - How to Handle Mistakes

Everyone makes mistakes - nobody is perfect. You’ve heard those phrases many times,
but have you really listened to them? Confident people know how to learn from their
mistakes.

Everyone has faults. You need to learn to deal with your faults in a productive way and
don’t let them make you feel inferior. It starts in childhood. How you dealt with
mistakes and how your parents reacted to your mistakes shapes how you deal with them
as an adult. When parents give unconditional acceptance to their children it encourages
them to become independent and provides for the child to have positive feelings about
themselves and their abilities. On the other hand, if the parents were overly critical or
overprotective it will damage the child’s ability to develop self-confidence.

As a child, you may have been punished for mistakes you made or you may have been
ridiculed or chastised. If that happens too often, the person likely goes through life trying
to avoid mistakes, instead of working through them. To this person, it becomes almost
worse to actually make a mistake than what the mistake actually is.

If you were chastised for mistakes by a parent when you were young, it is likely that you
never fully developed that area of yourself that is self-acceptance. Instead of accepting
that you make mistakes and move on, you may have felt it necessary to hide mistakes and
to practice self-rejection after making a mistake.

The good news is that you can change the way you handle mistakes that will make a
profound improvement in your self-confidence. To evaluate how you were taught to deal
with mistakes you can complete this exercise. Finish the sentences below. We will then
look at some common answers and review changes that can be made. Be sure to evaluate
fairly. This is an exercise to be used for your learning and advancement. Some people
have a hard time assessing what their parents did for a fear of betrayal. Remember that

20
your parents weren’t perfect. They did what they thought was best for you. It’s your turn
to make some positive changes in your life. You won’t be able to move on until you
understand how your parent’s attitudes affect you today.

Complete these sentences – either write them down or say them aloud:

1. When my father witnessed me making a mistake he _____________________.

2. When my mother saw me making a mistake she _____________________.
3. When I find I’ve made a mistake I ___________________________________.
4. When I make a mistake I hear myself saying ___________________________.
5. When I was a child, if someone told me it was okay to make mistakes I _____.
6. If I was able to allow myself to make mistakes I ________________________.
7. If I was able to show myself compassion about my mistakes I _____________.
8. As I begin to feel better about making mistakes I _______________________.

Here are some common responses to the questions to get you thinking:

1. When my father witnessed me making a mistake he

- would get angry and yell at me.
- would swear at me
- laughed at me or made fun of me
- he would lecture me
- he told me how he would do it right
- he left the room
- he blamed others for my mistakes

2. When my mother saw me make a mistake she

- told me I was hopeless or stupid
- called me names or told me I was a baby

21
 - she got angry
- she got my dad involved
- she took over and told me the right way to do it
- she laughed at me

3. When I find I’ve made a mistake I

- tell myself how stupid I am
- think everyone will say I’m a loser
- say that I shouldn’t even try anymore
- think that it’s unforgivable
- feel angry
- cry or get emotional
- try to hide my mistake from others

4. When I make a mistake I hear myself saying

- I have become my mother or father
- I am taking over for my parents
- I am worse than my parents were on me
- my self-esteem is devastated by this mistake
- if I can’t make mistakes I can’t grow

5. When I was a child, if someone had told me it was okay to make mistakes I
- would feel relieved
- would not feel so bad about myself
- could enjoy working without feeling so much pressure
- would let myself try new things
- could be more creative
- would be a happier person

22
 6. If I was able to allow myself to make some mistakes I
- would probably not make as many mistakes
- would have more ideas
- could let myself go
- would be able to take more chances
- wouldn’t be so afraid to try new things
- I’d accomplish more

7. If I was able to show myself compassion about mistakes I

- would be able to be myself more
- would like myself more
- wouldn’t be depressed
- wouldn’t be afraid all the time
- would be proud of who I am
- would be my own person

8. As I begin to feel better about making mistakes I

- think my work will get better
- will become a better parent
- will be able to try new things
- will feel less pressure
- feel hopeful
- think I can do this!

Now truly examine these questions and your responses. Try to find an understanding as
to what your beliefs are about making mistakes and how you came to believe that. The
hardest part is to put away those beliefs and replace them with the knowledge that it is all
right to make mistakes. No matter what happens, the outcome is a learning experience
and you will not beat yourself up about it.

23
Changing a belief takes time. Most of us know, in our thinking world, that it’s okay to
make mistakes. The thing that needs to change is your underlying self-talk that defeats
this truth. To combat it you need to be strong. You need to keep reminding yourself that
it’s okay when you make a mistake. Replace your defeating talk with positive self-talk.

Remember – you aren’t flawed, you are learning a new way of thinking. Try to think of a
mistake as a learning experience. Detach yourself from the mistake and look at it
objectively. Understand what happened and why. Only then you can effectively take
corrective action.

24
Exercise – No One is Perfect

This exercise will help increase your awareness about mistakes by understanding that
everyone makes mistakes.

1. Make a list of famous people who have made big mistakes. Include only those
people whom you respect.

2. Make a list of people who you know and respect. Write down mistakes they have
made. You may include your parents, teachers, relatives, friends, or anyone you
personally know.

3. Review the lists. Think about why even famous or respected people make
mistakes. Know that everyone has made mistakes and will make mistakes in the
future. These people didn’t make the mistake because they wanted to – they
thought it was the right thing to do at the time.

25
 Chapter 5 - Don’t Say Yes When You Really Mean No

One common thing that happens to many of us is getting caught in the “yes” trap. We are
asked to do something that we really don’t want to do. But instead of saying no, we feel
we should do it and so we say yes.

There are many reasons why we say yes when we really mean no. One reason is we are
afraid to say no. We may fear being rejected by the person asking us. Instead of
standing up for what we really believe or want, we cower and say yes. Or we fear having
a confrontation with the person. Instead of saying no, you say yes to avoid getting into a
conflict. People who have low self-confidence can sense that other people are more
powerful than them. They often don’t want to get into situations that could turn into
disagreements.

Here are some examples of when we say yes but mean no. Do you find any of these
circumstances familiar?

• You’re shopping for clothes and the salesperson makes some suggestions. Do
you ever buy something you don’t really like that well just because you don’t
want to say no to the salesperson?

• You’re at the beauty salon or barbershop getting your hair cut. The stylist makes
some suggestions about how to cut your hair. You don’t really want it that way
but you let her cut it anyway because you don’t want to say no.

• You’re at a restaurant and the waiter recommends a particular dish. Even though
you don’t usually like this particular food, you order it and eat it anyway.

• You get a phone call from someone selling something. You want to say no but
instead you end up buying the item.

26
 • Someone comes to the door selling magazine subscriptions. Even though you
don’t need any magazines you agree to purchase a subscription.

• Your sister calls to see if you can baby sit her kids on Saturday night. There is no
special occasion; they just want some time without the kids. You say yes even
though you and your husband had planned to go to the movies on Saturday night.
(She relies on you all the time even though she does have a baby-sitter that she
could call)

• At work, a co-worker asks you to complete a report for them. You agree, even
though it means you will need to work late to finish it.

You can see some of the common ways that people may say yes when they really don’t
want to. What’s more, sometimes people say yes even when it is inconvenient or costly
to do so. Sometimes you may find that you are doing more than the person you are
helping out. It’s pretty easy for someone to take advantage of you once they find out that
you are an easy target. Some people will use you once they know that you usually say
yes. They also may not even realize that you are being inconvenienced or that you really
didn’t want to say yes.

What happens in these situations is that you start to have resentments towards the people
that continually ask you or expect you to do things. They, on the other hand, may just
think that you are happy to do these things.

What makes someone say yes when they don’t want to? Many feelings are hiding under
the surface. In order for you not to confront the person you learn to avoid the situation by
immediately giving in to what the other person wants. In order to make it stop you need
to first recognize what situations you say yes in when you mean no. Then, the only way
to stop is to stop saying yes. Learn to say no. You need to be strong but you don’t need
to be mean or angry. A simple no is enough. If the person asks you for a reason why you

27
can’t do something you can tell them truthfully why not or you can let them know that
you just don’t have the time to allow it anymore.

28
Exercise – Learning to Say No

For one week, keep a notebook handy. For the first few days, write down anytime
someone asks for something that you want to say “no” to.

Write down who asked you, what they asked for and your actual response to the person
and the rest of the conversation. Look at the things in the list and see which ones really
should have been “no”.

Ask yourself these questions:

- Is the request a reasonable one?
- Is this a high priority for me?
- Why do I want to do this?
- Why don’t I want to do this?

Rewrite the dialogue as if you were talking to the person but instead of yes, tell them no.

For the rest of the week continue to write down these incidents, however, this time,
actually tell the person “no” when you mean no. It will be hard at first, but will get easier
the more you do it. You’ll feel so empowered the first time you stand up for yourself!

29
 Chapter 6 - How to Ask For What You Want

If you have low self-esteem, chances are you have a hard time asking for what you want.
You may have trouble dealing with other people, especially those you view as authority
figures. You may not feel you deserve attention or that what you are asking for is too
much. You may feel as though you will stand out and do not want to be noticed. You
likely have feelings of unworthiness.

If you have low self-confidence you may prefer to ask others what they want and then
help them get it instead of deciding what you want. You may be afraid of rejection,
fearing that others won’t like you if you are too demanding or that they won’t agree with
your views.

As you start to become more confident, you may have a hard time thinking about what
you want. You may be out of touch with your own needs and wants because you have
ignored them for so long. An understanding of your needs begins with knowing the
difference between real needs versus wants.

Real needs have to do with things that are important for your life, such as food and water.
Needs fit into several categories. Not everyone’s needs are the same and your needs may
change at any given time. Physical needs are those that are necessary to live. Air, food,
water, clothing and shelter are all physical needs. Other physical needs are to sleep and
rest. You also need exercise. Emotional needs are also essential to your well-being but
may not be as obvious. Emotional needs include the need to love and be loved,
companionship, recognition and appreciation. You also need sympathy and compassion,
both giving it and receiving it. Intellectual needs are things that stimulate the mind and
thinking. Your need to express your thoughts is an emotional need. Social needs include
the need to interact with others. You also need to have a role in society. Spiritual needs
are those needs that seek to find meaning in your life. These include morals, values and
beliefs.

30
Wants are less vital needs. They are usually things that are not life or death matters but
are often things that would be nice or add comfort. If you have low self-confidence you
may not feel comfortable asking for what you want. In fact, you may have a hard time
just asking for what you need. Wants are therefore often neglected entirely. You may
associate your needs with your wants and neglect them as well. You ignore your own
needs at times. You may think that you are being stoic but in fact you are giving up your
important needs because you are afraid of hurting or offending others.

The dividing line between needs and wants varies within each person. Sometimes you
may feel so strongly about something that it increases in importance and becomes a need.
Other times, even needs may take a back seat to the needs or wants of others. This can
happen when you feel that your needs and wants are less important than the needs and
wants of others. You also may have differing levels of importance between certain
needs. You may be more needy emotionally than intellectually or vice versa. The key
thing to remember is that only you can know and judge the level of importance you place
on each particular need and want at any specific point in time.

You may have become very skillful at fulfilling other people’s needs and wants. You
may think that others should be able to tell what you want without you having to tell
them. This is simply not true. In order for anyone to get their needs and wants met they
need to ask specifically for them.

The way to overcome fears about asking for what you want is to develop assertiveness
skills. If you recognize that you have trouble asking for what you want you should write
down, ahead of time, how to ask for it. Be as specific as you can. Include what you
want, when you want it, where you want to get it and who is required to give it to you.
Write down the specific wording you want to say so that you can practice saying it. At
first, try not to ask spontaneously. You will often forget and leave something out and
your need will not be met. Write down your possible responses before you get into the
situation.

31
You can also write out this same type of request for things you need yourself to do.
Think of a need or want that you need to do for yourself. Write it down just as you would
prepare for a conversation with someone else. Now, ask yourself for this item and give it
to yourself. Practicing this exercise will help you become more assertive.

Practice this exercise with family members and friends. Use this technique when you deal
with any uncomfortable situation. As you develop more self-confidence you will begin
to see a shift in your thoughts. You will start to be able to ask people for what you want.

Ask without being demanding. You need to strive to be more self-assertive. This differs
from aggressive. You may have seen someone who comes off as overly demanding and
comes off as a bully. They go around making demands and act as though the world owes
them something just for being here. That is the aggression. What you want to do is find
a happy medium. You should be able to ask for what you want and need, within reason.

Sometimes we have more trouble asking for things from certain people. To find out more
about yourself, make a list of the people that cause you fear. Try to think about why you
fear these particular people. Think about some ways to get over these fears. One way is
to confront the fear head on. If you have more trouble with a specific person, choose a
want and request it from that person. Remember that it will take some practice to be able
to make these requests, so have patience with yourself.

Asking for what you want takes courage. It takes you being able to break through any
self-doubts or hesitations, and let your voice be heard. You can start small. It starts with
an attitude. You need to begin to make small adjustments to your thinking patterns so
that you feel good about your ideas and are willing to share them with others.

Here are some tips for asking for what you want:

• When you’re on a date or a group outing give your opinion. Instead of just going
along with the crowd, try speaking up and stating your preferences. Understand

32
 that the group together will decide what to do, so your idea may not be taken. But
you’ll feel better for having told everyone.

• Start small and build on your successes. Think of some relatively unimportant
things that you can ask for. Practice asking for what you want with others.
Prepare your questions ahead of time.

• Be specific when you ask for what you want. If the other person is unsure of what
you are asking for you may not get your needs met.

• Use body language to help you. Stand straight and speak clearly. Use good eye
contact. Practice asking for your requests in a mirror until you are comfortable.

The more often you ask for what you want and get it, the stronger your self-confidence
will be.

33
 Chapter 7 - Setting Goals & Breaking Habits

Habits are learned behaviors that are repeated over and over until they become like
second nature. Some habits are good, others can be bad. The only way to break a bad
habit is to be aware of the habit and consciously work towards changing the behavior.
Negative self-criticism is a habit that you can work towards changing. So is the habit of
saying yes when you really mean no.

Research has shown that a habit can be changed after at least 21 days of repetition. One
way to change a behavior is to replace a negative behavior with a positive reward. Every
time you find yourself thinking negative thoughts about yourself replace those thoughts
with positive thoughts. Affirmations are positive thoughts that are very helpful in this
type of replacement.

Think about ways that you criticize yourself. Write down all the examples you can think
of. You may want to carry a notebook with you and make a note each time you have a
negative self-thought. Write down what you were doing and feeling when you had the
thought. By reviewing the notebook you can figure out what your worst areas are and
concentrate on changing those first.

Set a goal for yourself. Start with a weekly goal that you can attain. A sample goal may
be to say “no” three times during the week, when you normally would have said yes. For
instance, the PTA chairman may call and ask you to donate some time to an upcoming
event. Instead of saying yes when you really don’t have the time, say no. Although you
may feel guilty about saying no, you need to establish a new habit, one of saying what
you really mean. After several such instances it will become easier to do. At the end of
the week you will feel good about yourself and will be closer towards developing self-
confidence.

Self-confidence builds on self-confidence. The more you have, the easier it is to have
more. Confidence builds on itself. Negativity tears it down. Continue to work towards

34
changing your negative behaviors. Recognize that you won’t be perfect. You will have
days that you slip back into old behaviors. Don’t let that get you down. Don’t beat
yourself up for the slip. Instead, realize what you could have done differently and move
on.

Set goals for yourself. These goals should be small and easily obtainable. This will help
you reach larger goals. If a goal is too large it is easy to just stop trying to reach it.
Instead, break larger goals up into smaller goals. These are more easily attained and
build positive self-confidence along the way.

Start by setting daily goals using your calendar. Use a to-do list if you are comfortable
with it, and check off items when they are completed. Prioritize your list so you do the
most important tasks first, and any tasks that don’t get completed can be carried over to
the next day. Tame your perfectionist side by knowing that you don’t need to finish
everything in one day. Praise yourself for keeping on task and getting a lot
accomplished. Carry over the goal setting into your personal calendar as well.

Habits are learned behaviors and you can learn to eliminate or change them. Work on
one habit a month. Trying to change multiple habits at once will set you up for failure on
all of them. First, you need to determine what habits you have and then decide which
ones need to be changed. Habits are formed over time as a mechanism to deal with
something in your life. Many times we do not realize that a certain behavior or way of
reacting to something is a habit. If you examine them more closely, you can find the
underlying cause of the behavior and therefore will be able to change it.

Habits took a long time to form, and commitment on your part is needed in order to try to
break the habit. Remember to be persistent. Even if you feel as though you aren’t
making progress, continue to try. Behavioral habits aren’t as easy to monitor as physical
habits, such as smoking. Sometimes the only barometer you have about a habit may be
your own gut feelings. In other words, you may begin to notice that you are feeling more
self-confident.

35
You can and should enlist the help of friends or family when trying to break a habit.
They can be very helpful in pointing out when you do the behavior and can support you
in breaking the habit. Explain the entire situation to them so they can better help you.

36
Exercise - Goal Setting

Step One – Determine what you want.

There are eight main life categories that need to be evaluated. Use these categories for
the rest of the exercise.

1. Material goals
2. Family and friends
3. Career
4. Health or fitness
5. Leisure
6. Spiritual
7. Creative
8. Emotional

What causes painful feelings or have difficult situations that you want to change? Make a
list of any of these situations. Keep in mind all the areas of your life. Now for each item
you wrote down, write a corresponding positive goal. Think of at least one specific thing
you can do to change the situation.

Evaluate and prioritize these into goals. Decide the length of time you may need to spend
working on each one. Start with the highest priority item and work on the goal. Take
some time every week to examine how you are doing.

37
 Chapter 8 – Visualization Techniques

Visualization is a proven technique used to help you change habits or achieve your goals.
The idea behind this technique is to visualize what you want. It involves relaxation
techniques combined with positive imaging. Research has shown that visualization
works, whether or not you believe that it will.

Visualization can help boost your self-confidence by improving your own self-image. If
you see yourself as meek or helpless you can use visualization to visualize yourself as
strong and capable. If you think of yourself as unworthy or undeserving you will use
visualizations that show you as a worthy person making valuable contributions. If you
feel you are often depressed you will use visualization that you are happy. Whatever
your issues are there is a visualization you can use to help build your confidence in that
area.

Another way you can use visualization is to help change how you interact with others.
You will use visualization in ways similar to those above. If you are meek and shy you
will use visualize yourself in situations with others where you are more outgoing. You
may have issues with assertiveness in which case you will visualize yourself being more
assertive with others. This technique can be used for many relationships that you have
issues with. The key is to imagine yourself acting in a situation as you wish you acted.

You can also use visualization to reach specific goals. Think about the goal you want to
obtain, and then visualize yourself already having obtained the goal. You picture
yourself being what you want, doing what you want and achieving what you want.

Visualization works because our mind experiences reality and visualization in the same
way. The mind does not differentiate whether what we are seeing is real or not. It is as if
we are watching our life through a television screen. The mind and the body react much
the same way whether we are in the real situation or are just imagining it. Here’s an
example. Suppose that you have trouble talking with people in a group situation. You

38
can visualize that you are going to a party. You arrive at the party and are confident and
happy. You have no anxiety. At the party you are able to talk to everyone and feel good
about yourself. This visualization gives your self-confidence a giant boost, as much as
actually going to a party but without the added anxiety.

Visualization is a skill that, once learned, can help in many ways in your life. Right now,
you probably play negative scenarios in your head. You may create scenes where you are
inadequate or unworthy. You also probably play out scenes that actually happened in
real life but interpret it your own way such as editing out compliments.

Instead of playing out scenes where you are seen in a negative way, visualize new scenes
where you are the hero. It is a way of reprogramming the mind to think positively. It
replaces negative thoughts with positive ones that help build self-confidence.

Visualization is something you already do; however, if you have low self-confidence you
are doing it negatively. You now need to train yourself to swap any negative thoughts for
positive ones. With practice, you can train yourself to use your mental energy towards
positive visualizations.

Here are some things to remember when using visualization.

• Visualize what you consider to be your biggest issues. Start with the larger
issues, and as you become better at the process you can incorporate smaller
issues.

• Choose visualizations that directly tie into your self-esteem. If you want to be
more assertive, choose a situation where you are assertive to visualize.

• In your visualizations, picture yourself as having the quality you desire and show
yourself positive consequences of the behaviors.

39
• When you visualize yourself make sure you are using assertive body language in
the scene.

• Look at self-confidence as something you already have but just need to get back
in tune with.

• Picture you liking yourself more.

40
Exercise – Visualization Techniques

Visualization is something that takes practice. After a few times you should be able to do
complete visualizations. Some people use guided visualizations to help them, which are
visualizations that are led by instructor or on tape.

Find a quiet room to sit and relax in. Try to eliminate any distractions. Allow yourself
15 – 20 minutes to complete this exercise.

Think of a recent situation which you felt low self-esteem. It may have to do with work
or home or maybe a situation with friends or family. Whatever the situation, think back
to it and re-write the encounter. Play the situation like a movie in your head, only this
time you are in control and say and do all the right things. Go through the entire situation
until the end, and picture the best outcome. Now praise yourself for handling the
situation in a new way.

The more often you run visuals the better you will become at playing out scenes in real
life. Even the visualization gives you a boost to your self-confidence.

41
Exercise – Visualization with a Collage

Materials Needed
Scrapbook or any oversize book with thick pages
Glue Stick
Scissors
Magazines, Newspapers, greeting cards

First, gather old magazines and anything with pictures and sayings in them

Visualize in your mind the type of life you picture for yourself. This should relate to the
goal you are working towards (for example, if your goal is to become more organized,
think of the ideal ways your home would be organized, your closets, your living space,
your bathroom, your laundry room, etc.). Choose visuals that stimulate you and make
you feel good.

Spend one to two hours gathering pictures for your book. Choose pictures or words that
represent the ideal in your visualization. For the example above, you would choose
pictures of organized homes. These pictures do not need to be exactly what your home
looks like; these are an IDEAL of general thoughts. This is putting your visualization
into real-life pictures.

Cut these images out, in sizes to fit into your book.

Now, be creative. Glue your images into the book any way you want to. Include words
if you want to. If you can’t find the images or words you can draw or write them into the
book. You can embellish the book with glitter, ribbons, scraps of paper, etc. Make it as
creative as you can.

Now, use the book to help remind you of what you really want. You can add to the book
any time you find something that fits in.

42
For a variation of this exercise, use a large piece of poster board instead of the book.
Then when you are done, hang it in a place that you will see it often.

43
 Chapter 9 – Using Affirmations to Develop Self Confidence

Affirmations have been found to give people powerful boosts to their self-confidence.
An affirmation is positive self-talk - it is a strong, positive, direct statement. It should be
short and precise and have no qualifications.

Positive statements are important to the process. Make sure you use only positive words
in your affirmations. The subconscious can drop negative words easily. Instead of
saying “I do not feel inadequate” say, “I feel adequate”.

Affirmation statements should be stated in the present tense, as though you already
possess the quality. Don’t qualify the quality. For example, don’t say, “I will feel more
worthy”. Instead, say “I feel worthy”. Although the wording seems only slightly
different, the meaning to the subconscious is very different. Always check your
affirmations before you start using them to make sure they are positive.

In order for the affirmation to be most powerful, use short sentences and meaningful
words. Use everyday words whenever possible. The words should be straight to the
point. They should be statements - not questions or orders. A statement is a declarative
sentence.

Everyone has unique affirmations that work best for them and their particular situations.
The affirmations that work best are the ones you write especially for yourself. You know
what areas you need to concentrate on. You also are the best one to write the
affirmations in language that you will understand the best. You can write the best
affirmations that match your specific goals and personality. Using affirmations that
someone else has written may not be as effective.

Affirmations may be in any form that works for you. They can be written or verbal. You
may repeat them silently or aloud. You may write them on index cards to look at when
you can, write a daily affirmation on your calendar each day, or choose one affirmation to

44
use for a longer period of time. You can mix up the affirmations as well. You may have
many different affirmations that you use intermittently. Some people use sticky notes to
post affirmations, or you can write affirmations on paper and tape them to places you
look at often in your home. You can record your affirmations and play them in the car or
on the computer or music player.

To work best, affirmations need to be believable. By their very nature we know that they
are not something we have achieved yet, however, they need to be something real that
can be achieved. If you make up an affirmation that is too far-fetched, you won’t let
yourself believe it and it will stifle the use of your other affirmations.

Here are some examples of some well-written affirmations:

• I am confident
• I do my best
• I love myself
• I am happy
• I am successful

When you write your own affirmations you can include your specific goals. You can use
affirmations for many things, such as to lose weight or stop smoking.

45
Exercise – Using Affirmation Techniques

• Write down 5 positive things or things you like about yourself.

• Write down 5 negative things or things you want to change about yourself.

• Examine the list and expand or change it if needed.

• Now, take the list of things you want to change and write a positive sentence
about your ideal self in relation to this thing.

• Take this list and write 5 concise affirmations. Make sure to use positive
statements.

• Use these 5 affirmations daily for a week.

46
 Chapter 10 - Developing Self Confidence in Children

Parents are the most important and influential people in children’s lives. They get many
things from their parents, including ways of dealing with issues and how they feel about
themselves. As you have learned, we carry around messages about our self-esteem from
childhood into adulthood. These messages become habits and are programmed into us
throughout the years. But childhood is where we learn these negative ideas. Many of the
struggles and fears you have today have their roots in your childhood.

We know how important developing self-confidence in children is, and it is your job as a
parent to teach children to have self-confidence. Children need and want your approval
more than anything else. That’s why you have so much influence over your children and
can help shape them into adults. Remember what you wanted and needed from your own
parents.

Acceptance of your children is probably one of the single most important things you can
do for your children. To fully accept them you need to understand that they are their own
person with thoughts and values that may be different than yours. Remember what you
learned about acceptance and apply this to your children. You need to see them for who
they are and not have unrealistic expectations for them. Know that you will accept them
for who they are. Appreciate your children, and treat them as you would want to be
treated. Guide them without tearing down their egos.

It all starts when they are babies. Babies have a small world. Their parents are the only
world they know and they get all their needs filled by them. Holding your baby makes
him feel safe and loved. Responding to his cries are the first steps to teaching self-esteem.
Babies learn their worth by seeing how their parents treat them.

As children get older, they will also get other influences in their lives such as teachers,
caregivers and friends. Parents and others are role models that children emulate much

47
more then you can imagine. Practice acceptance of yourself and your children will learn
to do the same.

It may be hard to see your children as they really are. Your vision of them is clouded by
your love for them, as well as by your own fears and hopes. Once you can accurately see
your children you are helping build their self-confidence. You will understand them
better and know what drives their behaviors. You can then see their talents and ideas and
nurture them. Knowing the reasons for behaviors will help you focus on changing
anything that needs adjustment, such as harmful behaviors.

Reinforce positive qualities in your children. If they have special talents, skills or
interests, these are areas you can focus on. Every time that you reinforce a behavior you
increase the chances that they will behave that way again. Reinforcing positive qualities
increases the child’s self-confidence and worth.

Reinforce positive behaviors by using praise, rewards or recognition. Children often

respond best to these three types of reinforcements. Make sure to find reasons to praise
your children. Take notice of special talents and skills and let them know you are aware
of it. If your child has made artwork or was awarded a trophy, display them proudly.
Provide opportunities for your child to shine. Then give praise when they do.
Continually find new things to praise your children about.

Of course, children also demonstrate some negative behaviors. The key to dealing with
poor behavior is to understand why the child is behaving as they are. The priority of
children is to meet their needs. If they are not getting a particular need met they may act
out in an attempt to get it. Think about the negative behavior and try to find ways the
children can express themselves in a more positive way.

When faced with difficult situations with your children, try to reinforce the positives.
Give your children choices whenever possible. That way, the children feel they have
some say-so in the situation.

48
Listening to your children is an important part of showing them self-confidence. When
you listen to your kids they feel important. When you listen to your children give them
your full attention, and get rid of any distractions - make your child the center of attention
for that time. If the time is too hectic, suggest a better time that the two of you can talk
so you can really listen. Practice active listening skills. Repeat and re-phrase what they
say so you have a full understanding. Make eye contact and show genuine interest. Ask
questions so she knows you are listening and that you care. Show empathy. Help your
children to include feelings in their stories.

Make sure that you are your child’s biggest supporter. If they are having trouble with a
teacher, or another child, help them deal with the situation calmly. Don’t always take the
other person’s side; you need to be on your child’s side. Let them know that you will
always be there to help them through any rough times.

Tips for helping children gain confidence

• Teach Independence

Don’t just tell kids they should be independent. You need to give them the skills
necessary for them to function in the world alone. These skills start small, such as
tying their shoes or dressing themselves, and grow as the child grows, such as
teaching them to cook or sew. Praise the child when they try something new.
They don’t need to be perfect at it, so don’t hold out praise for perfection.

• Keep track of their progress

You keep track of your child’s physical growth but you should also help them see
where they are growing mentally. Tell them how much more capable and skillful
they are becoming. If they have a particular skill they have just learned, be sure
to make it important.

49
 • Encourage new experiences

Help your children overcome fear of new situations by explaining what to expect.
When trying new activities, tell them how to do it and give them some guidelines.
Let them help you with activities that can be used as learning experiences. Praise
your child after they try something new.

• Be patient

Some children learn faster than others. When trying new activities try not to put
time constraints on them. Everyone learns at their own speed and in their own
way. If you become impatient and yell, chances are the child will avoid that
activity in the future.

• Teach by example

Don’t just tell your child about something, demonstrate it. Whenever possible try
to show your child what you are trying to teach them. Some kids learn best by
watching another person do the activity first, then emulating it.

• Take time for your kids

Everyone has a busy lifestyle but you need to carve out some special time to
spend with your children. Kids thrive on routines and function best when a
routine is in place. Try to keep things on a schedule whenever possible.

Helping Children Succeed in School

Children learn a lot at school. Not only do they learn the basic subjects - reading,
writing, math, social studies, etc - but they learn important life skills and lessons as well.

50
They deal with other people every day and are learning important socialization skills.
Pay particular attention to what your child tells you about others. If they have trouble
socializing it’s best to catch it early before it erodes the child’s self-confidence.

If the child is getting bullied at school, get involved. This is one area that your child may
be totally unfamiliar with dealing with. Explain to your child that a bully’s behavior is
not a reflection of them. Bully behavior at school should be brought to the attention of
the educators and is not to be tolerated. Step in to help your child as soon as you can to
prevent them from getting negative thoughts about themselves.

Children learn other important lessons at school, such as time-management skills,

organizational skills and communication skills. They learn through trial and error how to
navigate their world. Many of these skills are things that can only be learned through
doing. Help your child continue these skills at home.

Keep open communication with your child’s teachers. They are with your children many
hours each day and can help provide support in case of any problems. Alert your child’s
teacher to any potential issues before they arise. For instance, if you and your spouse are
going through a divorce, let the teacher know. They will help the child at school and will
understand if the child demonstrates a new or different behavior.

If your child is having a particular problem and it is beyond your ability to help, don’t
hesitate to take him or her to a professional. Schools have psychologists on staff to help
children through rough patches. Team with your child and the professional to come up
with strategies that are custom-tailored to your child.

51
Exercise for Developing Your Child’s Self Confidence

One great way to help children boost their self-confidence is by giving them household
tasks to complete. Even the youngest of children can be given a chore. Completing
chores helps children feel useful and a part of the family. It really helps get their
confidence up. Make sure you assign age-appropriate chores so they can get them done.
The idea is not so much to have the chores completed 100% perfectly, but to use the
chores as confidence boosters.

You can make the chart and decide on the chores as a family project if you want to. Kids
love to be able to give input and this will also help them to feel needed.

For this exercise, make a chore chart. A magnetic calendar works nicely so you can stick
it on the refrigerator where everyone can see it. Include each child’s name, and list
weekly chores along the side. Once a chore is complete, mark it off. You can set up a
reward system. If all the children complete their chores the family will go out for ice
cream on Saturday, or any reward you want. Be sure to also give praise when a child
completes his or her chores.

52
 Chapter 11 - Tips For Developing Self Confidence

• If you start to feel anxious or self-conscious, find something to focus on and use
all your energy to stay focused on that one thing.

• Be assertive, not aggressive

• Be prepared for other people’s words and actions

• Know that you are good at many things.

• Practice saying positive affirmations

• Use positive self-talk

• Take time to understand your true weaknesses

• Know your strengths and remember them

• Use positive words to describe yourself

• Avoid being your own critic

• Don’t over generalize

• Stop blaming yourself for things that aren’t your fault

• Don’t say yes when you mean no

• Don’t take things too personally

53
• Stop trying to read other people’s minds

• Remind yourself that you are the boss of you

• Remember that you are worthy

• Learn the keys to compassion – understanding, acceptance and forgiveness

• Practice active listening

• Get friends or family to support you as you gain confidence

• Evaluate your beliefs

• Don’t call yourself names

• Stop giving in to “shoulds”

• Remember that mistakes happen to everyone

• Learn to be aware of yourself

• Take responsibility for your actions

• Replace bad habits with positive thoughts

• Praise yourself when you do something good

• Use visualizations to achieve success

54
• Distinguish between your needs and your wants

• Don’t be afraid to ask for what you want

• Anticipate criticism from others, and be prepared to respond

• Use feeling words

• Write yourself specific affirmations

• Put affirmations on your calendar or post around the house

• Set realistic goals for yourself

• Stop doing things that hurt you

• Work through anxiety

• Prioritize to-do lists

• Work through your fear

• Use mantras to get through tough situations

• Set a good example for your children

• Help kids become self-confident

• Praise your children when they do something good

55
• Be a risk-taker

• Put a positive spin on things

• Use challenges as an opportunity to learn

• Break large goals up into achievable smaller goals

• Don’t get overly confident

• Trust your instincts

• Think of at least one positive trait per day

• Stand up for yourself

• Know that your ideas are important

• Don’t take on other’s beliefs as your own

• Connect with your family

• Stop being judgmental

• Practice compassion

• Only take on what you know you can accomplish

• Use constructive feedback to grow

56
• Use a journal to learn more about yourself

• Accept yourself for who you are

• Seek professional advice when needed

• Learn time-management and organizational skills

• Recognize when others are bullying you, and

• Learn to stand up for yourself

57