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CHARACTER NAME BRIEF DESCRIPTION AGE GENDER
 FADE UP:

ACT ONE

SCENE ONE

A large, dim tent. Five boy scouts and their scout leader
enter the tent carrying large hiking backpacks and sleeping
bags.

SCOUT LEADER
A+ work, campers! Willy, you earned yourself the Expert Tent Pitcher badge. 3 Badge
points!

KEVIN
Huh? Why does Willy get the badge?

JACK
What gives, scout leader?!

SCOUT LEADER
No gripes, campers. Willy did the most work. The rest of you earned the Junior Tent
Pitcher badge. 1 Badge point.

LOUIE
But Willy took the most stakes!

JACK
Yeah, we didn’t have a chance to get that badge!

WILLY
I still finished before you did.

JACK
Blow me, Will!

SCOUT LEADER
Jack, that is not scoutsman language.

LOUIE
There’s no way he coulda done it so fast.
 2.

JACK
Scout leader, I made sure every stake was super deep. I pushed them in as hard as I could.
My stakes are the best. They’re like concrete.

Jack wanders to an end of the tent and kicks the stake.

JACK
Ya see? Ya see? It’s stuck in there.

Jack wanders to a different stake. He kicks it out with

ease.

JACK
Look! Willy’s is barely even in the ground!

SCOUT LEADER
Alright, campers.

JAIME
You barely even kicked yours, you liar!

JACK
No, I barely kicked his!

SCOUT LEADER
Settle down cowboys.

WILLY
Well I didn’t think anybody was gonna kick it outta the ground.

JACK
Ya didn’t have to! It should be deep enough anyway.

SCOUT LEADER
What happened to our no gripe policy?

WILLY (UNDER HIS BREATH)

Sorry I didn’t make it retard proof.

SCOUT LEADER
Scouts! Enough! I have a right mind to give you all demerits!

JACK
What did you say?
 3.

WILLY
Nothing.

JACK
Did you just call me a retard?

SCOUT LEADER
Hey!

WILLY
No.

JACK
What’d you say? Huh? What’d you say, Willy Wetpants?

WILLY
Shut up!

JAIME
Leave him alone, Jack.

KEVIN
What’s wrong? You mad we’re picking on your boyfriend?

WILLY
I’m not his boyfriend!

SCOUT LEADER
ENOUGH. Take a knee! Take a knee!

The scouts take a knee.

SCOUT LEADER
You lot are makin’ me real irked! Not just anybody gets the chance to become an Eagle
Scout, y’know! You lot are supposed to be the best and brightest the scouts have offer, but
you’re actin’ like a bunch of sissies! You lot better make nice lickety split if you don’t want
this week to turn into a sourpuss convention. Now I get it, boys. I was like you, once. I
would do anything just to become an Eagle Scout. So I put my nose to the grindstone,
comprende?

EVERYONE
Yes, Scout Leader.
 4.

SCOUT LEADER
Now this ain’t a race. You all have a chance to become Eagle Scout. Unless you wanna win
that Xbox, in which case, you bet your bum it’s a race. Regardless, no badge points for
worrywarts. Do I make myself clear?

EVERYONE
Yes, Scout Leader.

SCOUT LEADER
Willy, Jack. Make nice.

WILLY
Sorry, Jack.

JACK
It’s okay.

SCOUT LEADER
Salute, scouts.

The boys spit in their hands and shake.

SCOUT LEADER
Good. That being said, Jack, you earned yourself an Expert Tent Pitcher badge. Willy,
you’ve been demoted to Junior.

JACK WILLY
Yes! What?!

WILLY
What for?

SCOUT LEADER
Jack’s right, kid. The stakes you planted were practically laying on the dirt. When you do
something, do it well. That’s how you become and Eagle Scout.

WILLY
But-

SCOUT LEADER
For Pete’s sake, Willy. How many time I gotta say no gripes?

WILLY
Sorry.
 5.

SCOUT LEADER
Okay! That’s what I like to see, scouts. Louie. Unpack the food. It’s time for dinner.

LOUIE
Huh?

SCOUT LEADER
Unpack the food, Louie.

LOUIE
I didn’t bring the food.

SCOUT LEADER
Louie, don’t kid around.

LOUIE
I wasn’t suppose’ta bring the food.

SCOUT LEADER
Louie, I put you in charge of the food. Where’s the food?

LOUIE
I wasn’t in charge of the food! Jaime was!

JAIME
What? No.

SCOUT LEADER
Don’t kid around, Louie. You were supposed to bring the food. Where is it?

KEVIN
Scout Leader?

SCOUT LEADER
Shut it, Kevin. Louie?

LOUIE
I-I don’t have it.

SCOUT LEADER
Come again? Come again, Louie?

LOUIE
I didn’t bring the food.
 6.

SCOUT LEADER
You didn’t bring the food?

LOUIE
N-no.

SCOUT LEADER
Please clarify. For this week-long retreat, we are going to need food. Right?

LOUIE
I mean... yeah.

SCOUT LEADER
But we don’t have any?

LOUIE
Maybe. I don’t know. Check the bags.

SCOUT LEADER
Jaime. Look through our bags.

Jaimie opens every bag. As he does so.

SCOUT LEADER
Louie, what is a scout’s most important duty?

LOUIE
Responsibility.

SCOUT LEADER
What?

LOUIE
Responsibility?

SCOUT LEADER
Are you positive?

LOUIE
I- I don’t know.

SCOUT LEADER
You don’t know? How do expect to be promoted to Eagle Scout if you don’t even know
their most important duty?
 7.

The other boys mouth “resourcefulness” to him.

LOUIE
I-I- Resort... to friends?

SCOUT LEADER
Hm. Kinda! But wrong.

LOUIE
I can’t remember, sir.

JAIME
Scout Leader, I can’t find the food.

SCOUT LEADER
Louie, you piss-poor lard.

LOUIE
Sir?

SCOUT LEADER
Okay! No problemo! In fact, scouts this is a great opportunity. Take a knee boys.

The boys take a knee.

SCOUT LEADER
I bet you boys are used to more lax protocol from the scouts program, but things aren’t as
easy-peasy-lemon-squeezy for Eagle Scouts. If you want to be promoted your mettle will
be tested. Now I’ve got loads of badges to hand out, but only if you boys are willing to put
in the work. Do you have what it takes to be an Eagle Scout?

EVERYONE
Yes, Scout Leader.

SCOUT LEADER
Glad to hear it! If only it were that simple. Louie, stand up.

Louie stands.

SCOUT LEADER
Nobody can become an Eagle Scout on their own. They need to use their team. You can’t
get promoted without teammates to help you up. But what happens when one of your
teammates let you down?
 8.

When one boy’s screw up could cost you everything you’ve worked for. Well, that’s when
you remind yourself that a boy scout’s two most important duties are responsibility... and
resourcefulness!

Scout Leader jams his fist into Louie’s stomach. The boys
scream. He tears out Louie’s kidneys and stomach. Louie
falls dead.

JAIME
Why, Scout Leader?!

KEVIN
Is- is he dead?!

SCOUT LEADER
Kevin, get me the griddle. It’s dinner time.

JACK
What?!

SCOUT LEADER
Hey, no dillydallying, space cadets. I bet you’re just as hungry as I am.

The boys don’t react.

SCOUT LEADER
Earth to boy scouts, come in. Can you read me? We gotta cook this while it’s fresh.

JAIME
You... you want us to eat Louie?

Willy starts crying.

SCOUT LEADER
What’s with the crying? Why do I hear crying? Enough.

Willy holds back tears.

SCOUT LEADER
For the love of-- whoever gets me the griddle will earn 3 badge points.

No boy moves.
 9.

SCOUT LEADER
Okay. I see. We got a lot of work ahead of us, greenhorns.

JAIME
Are you gonna hurt us?

SCOUT LEADER
Wh- I- hurt you?! No!

WILLY
Why did you kill him? Why’d you kill him, Scout Leader?

SCOUT LEADER
Now what in the Sam heck? You boys don’t think I wanted to kill Louie, do you?

Silence.

SCOUT LEADER
Oh, boys. No no no no no. You think I enjoyed that? No way, Jose. Yo guys are my
buddies! You’re the peas to my pod. But Louie’s mistake-- Willy, stop crying-- Louie’s
mistake ended up hurting the whole team. Louie repaid his mistake in the only way he
could. He sacrificed himself so we could eat. He died an Eagle Scout’s death.

The boys don’t react.

SCOUT LEADER
Now I want to personally apologize. This is one of the sorriest introductions to the Eagle
Scouts I’ve ever given. This is not what the Eagle Scouts represent. We do not kill, nor
would we ever endorse it. But my back was against the wall here. I can’t let you boys go
without eating. I hate to say it, but it was the logical thing to do. It was him or us.

Silence.

SCOUT LEADER
This was the first and last time a scout has died under my watch. Scout’s honor.

Silence. The boys have relaxed a bit.

SCOUT LEADER
Okay. Now let me hear you boys roar!

The boys roar meekly.

SCOUT LEADER
I can’t hear you boys!
 10.

The boys roar a little more earnestly.

SCOUT LEADER
2 badge points for the best roar.

They roar more enthusiastically.

SCOUT LEADER
That’s what I like to hear! Jaime, 2 badge points!

JAIME
Thanks.

SCOUT LEADER
Boys, unpack the bags. Jaime, cook Louie.

JAIME
Huh?

SCOUT LEADER
Cook Louie. We need to eat, sillypants.

JAIME
I- I can’t.

SCOUT LEADER
Are you sure? I got a 5 Star Chef badge with your name on it if you do.

KEVIN
But that’s worth 5 badge points!

JAIME
I- no.

SCOUT LEADER
Jaime, an Eagle Scout never, under any circumstances, says no to his Scout Leader. Do
you understand? You don’t have to eat him. Starve for all I care. But you will cook him.
Don’t let your team down, buddy. Okay?

Jaime nods.

SCOUT LEADER
Okey dokey! First things first, we need a fire! I need two volunteers to go get wood. The
other will help chop up Louie. Who wants to collect wood?
 11.

All boys raise their hands.

SCOUT LEADER
Let’s see. Make your cases, scouts. Who should I pick?

JACK
Scout Leader, Kevin and I are on our school’s football team. We can carry more wood than
Willy could.

SCOUT LEADER
Interesting. Willy, what say you?

WILLY
I learned my lesson from pitching the tent. I’ll get more than they could.

SCOUT LEADER
Willy, if you’re trying to get something, don’t mention your failures. You stay here.

JACK
Yes!

SCOUT LEADER
Alright, that settles it. Jack and Kevin, you’re in charge--

Scout Leader is cut off by wolves howling in the distance.

JAIME
What was that?

SCOUT LEADER
Shoot. Capital C Crap!

JACK
Scout leader?

SCOUT LEADER
Don’t worry boys. Nothing to be scared of. Just some wolves.

KEVIN
Wolves?!

WILLY
What do we do, scout leader?
 12.

SCOUT LEADER
They must smell the blood. No problemo. Just means we gotta cook Louie quick is all.
Jack, Kevin go get the firewood. Make it snappy.

The boys stand still.

SCOUT LEADER
What’s the holdup, kiddos?

JACK
Shouldn’t we wait? Like, for the wolves to pass?

SCOUT LEADER
My ears must be playing tricks on me. Jack are you scared?

JACK
No, sir. Just trying be smart about it.

SCOUT LEADER
Ah, so my plan is dumb?

JACK
No, sir!

SCOUT LEADER
Forget it. Willy, you and Jaime go collect the wood.

JAIME
Okay.

SCOUT LEADER
Bingo! Get to it scouts.

KEVIN
That isn’t fair!

WILLY
I don’t want to go. I’m scared.

SCOUT LEADER
Jiminy Christmas. Jaime and Kevin.

The boys don’t move.

 13.

SCOUT LEADER
What’s the problem? I thought you were looking for opportunities, Kevin.

KEVIN
I was, but--

SCOUT LEADER
“But- but-” What is this pansy talk? An Eagle Scout never surrenders! Fine. New rule:
whenever you say no to a task, you lose three badge points.

EVERYONE
What?!

SCOUT LEADER
There you all go with the gripes again. Minus 1 badge point for all of you. Jaime and
Kevin, do you have anything to add?

JAIME
I wanna stay here.

SCOUT LEADER
For Christ’s sake. Minus 3 badge points. Kevin and Jack. Go collect wood. If you say no,
that’s minus 5 badge points.

JACK KEVIN
Yes, sir. Okay.

SCOUT LEADER
There, that wasn’t so hard! Keep your chins up, boys! It’s gonna be a fun week!

Jack and Kevin exit the tent. Scout Leader hands two
pocket knives to Willy and Jaime.

SCOUT LEADER
Get to work. I’ll get the smores started!

SCENE TWO

The woods. Several trees line the background. Jack and

Kevin collect pieces of wood.

JACK
Fuck me, dude. If you asked me a week ago what I thought it’d take to be an Eagle Scout, I
never would’ve guessed I’d have to pick up sticks. Or eat a corpse.
 14.

KEVIN
Let’s just thank God we aren’t the ones who have to carve the guy.

JACK
I guess. I don’t know. I wish I stayed.

KEVIN
Are you a psycho?

JACK
No. But, like, if that’s what an Eagle Scout has to do.

KEVIN
Nah, man. Did you see all that fucking blood? I straight puked in my mouth.

JACK
I’ve been with the scouts for eight years. I didn’t work this hard just to pick up sticks. I
should’ve stayed. I’m such an idiot.

KEVIN
Relax. You literally watched a kid get murdered in front of you.

JACK
He was not murdered.

KEVIN
What? Are you forgetting when Scout Leader tore his guts out?

JACK
He was killed, but I wouldn’t call it murder.

KEVIN
What the fuck is it?

JACK
Not... I don’t wanna say sacrificed.

KEVIN
Then it’s murder.

JACK
Stop saying it’s murder. It isn’t murder. Scout Leader isn’t wrong. Louie fucked up
majorly.
 15.

KEVIN
Listen, dog. This shit ain’t right. I think we should get out of here.

JACK
Hold up. No. I’m gonna be an Eagle Scout.

KEVIN
Fuck being an Eagle Scout. I just want an Xbox, but I’m not dying for one.

JACK
Bro, you obviously want more than the Xbox. You aren’t even a gamer.

KEVIN
You don’t have to be a gamer to want an Xbox. And you don’t have to be Einstein to
realize if Scout Leader is killing scouts, you should run.

JACK
Okay. No. Listen. You remember when Sam Buzby tore his ACL? And coach kicked him
off the team?

KEVIN
And ruined his chances of getting a scholarship? I remember.

JACK
Yeah, but kicking him off the team made room for Aaron, who scored 2 touchdowns in the
semifinals.

KEVIN
Yeah, but now there’s no more room for Sam. And now he can’t get a scholarship.

JACK
But we won the semifinals.

KEVIN
And Sam’s fucked.

JACK
Sam was fucked regardless. It’s not the team’s fault he tore his ACL. Why do we have to
deal with it?

KEVIN
The team was already strong. Coach could’ve let him stay on for credit.
 16.

JACK
It’s coach’s job to make the team as strong as possible. It’s not his fault.

KEVIN
It’s not Sam’s fault he tore his ACL.

JACK
Yeah, but it is Louie’s fault that he forgot the food.

KEVIN
Jesus, man.

JACK
I liked Sam. I wish he was on the team. Louie seemed cool. I wish I got to know him. But
I’d rather survive long enough, with food in my belly, to become an Eagle Scout instead of
paying for Louie’s mistake.

KEVIN
Yeah, I mean.... I don’t know.

JACK
Listen. I’m not an idiot. Scout Leader seemed honestly sorry after he killed Louie. If shit
keeps hitting the fan, we leave, okay?

Silence.

JACK
We’ve come this far. How bad can it be?

A wolf howls.

JACK
Shit. Fuck. Shit. Oh fuck. Let’s go.

SCENE 3

Willy and Jaime are cutting up Louie’s body. Willy’s

covered in blood. Jaime’s virtually spotless. Scout Leader
is not present.

WILLY
Wow, cutting through Louie’s fat is way easier than I thought.

JAIME
You sure about that? You got a little blood on you.
 17.

WILLY
I’m not used to carving human.

JAIME
It’s not too different from carving other animals. The texture of this meat is similar to elk.

WILLY
When the fuck have you carved an elk?

JAIME
Don’t curse. We don’t know when Scout Leader’ll be back.

WILLY
Good point. Don’t wanna end up like Louie.

JAIME
Yeah. Poor Louie.

The conversation stops.

JAIME
Do you think... do you think Scout Leader really needed to kill Louie?

WILLY
Jaime.

JAIME
Like, we could’ve tried to hunt for some food or something.

WILLY
Maybe. But it is what it is.

JAIME
Or we could’ve gone a night without food. I mean, like, it’s not like--

WILLY
When have you carved an elk before?

Pause.

JAIME
My dad takes me hunting a lot.

WILLY
No way. You don’t strike me as the hunting type.
 18.

JAIME
Yeah. It is what it is.

WILLY
I wish I knew how to hunt. Maybe then I wouldn’t look like Carrie after the dance.

JAIME
Just don’t act like Carrie and kill everyone here. We got enough to worry about with Scout
Leader.

WILLY
Please stop talking about Scout Leader. He might come back.

JAIME
It’s just weird, don’t you think? We didn’t have to kill Louie.

WILLY
Our job isn’t to worry about it, we just gotta pick up the pieces.

JAIME
I’m not gonna eat Louie.

WILLY
You’ll lose badge points.

JAIME
That’s fine. I want to be an Eagle Scout, but eating Louie doesn’t sit right with me.

WILLY
Just do it. It’ll make Scout Leader happy.

JAIME
Who cares?

WILLY
All of us. You too. You make Scout Leader happy, you get to be an Eagle Scout. That’s the
deal.

JAIME
No, you might be an Eagle Scout.

WILLY
Well we don’t have a choice. Eating Louie is no different from you hunting, right? You use
your environment to help you survive. Louie was dragging us down, so we made him
useful.
 19.

JAIME
Do you actually believe that?

WILLY
Yes.

Willy goes back to carving.

JAIME
You’re lying. I can tell you’re lying.

WILLY
I’m not.

JAIME
Yes you are. You were just as freaked out as I was when Scout Leader killed Louie.

WILLY
So?

JAIME
So? Deep down, you know it’s fucked up.

WILLY
Louie was hurting the team, so he repaid us in the only way he could. That’s what an Eagle
Scout would believe. That’s what I believe.

They go back to carving.

JAIME
I hate hunting.

WILLY
Then why do it?

JAIME
My dad would be pissed if I stopped.

WILLY
My dad would be pissed if I started.

JAIME
It’s the same with the Eagle Scouts. He’s a scout leader too, so he thinks he’d be a laughing
stock if I don’t eventually become one.
 20.

WILLY
I thought you wanted to be an Eagle Scout?

JAIME
Kinda. Don’t laugh. I wanna change the Eagle Scouts. They’re so elitist.

WILLY
It’s the opposite for me. I can’t wait to be an Eagle Scout. Hopefully I’ll also be a scout
leader one day.

JAIME
Why? Eagle Scouts are such douchebags. Look at Kevin and Jack.

WILLY
Kevin’s not a doucebag.

JAIME
Yeah he is. Jack’s just a super douchebag.

WILLY
Fair point. Jack and I actually went to the same middle school. He bullied me there.

JAIME
Whatever. Jack seems like the type who would bully anybody.

WILLY
It wasn’t just Jack. Everyone bullied me. I did theatre and watched anime.

JAIME
Sorry, man. Shit luck Jack wound up in our recruitment group.

WILLY
No, it’s perfect. Now I have a chance to beat him. Show him what I’ve become.

Willy stops carving.

WILLY
I swear to God, when I got the Expert Tent Pitcher, it felt amazing. Then Jack....

He goes back to carving.

WILLY
Just gotta focus on the task at hand, ya know.
 21.

Willy carves a bit.

WILLY
I wouldn’t mind an Xbox either.

He cuts his finger.

WILLY
Ow! Fuck.

JAIME
What?

WILLY
I cut my finger. Oh fuck.

JAIME
You okay?

WILLY
I don’t know. I’m fucking drenched in Louie’s blood. Who knows what diseases he could
have.

JAIME
It’s probably fine.

WILLY
No way, man. Louie was Jewish, right? He could have Tay Sachs. He was also fat. Maybe
diabetes?

JAIME
Ha ha, relax. We’ll ask Scout Leader for some disinfectant.

WILLY
He could have AIDS or some shit.

SCOUT LEADER (OFF STAGE)

Hey!

Scout Leader enters the tent.

SCOUT LEADER
I heard that, Willy. Minus 1 badge point.
 22.

WILLY
I’m sorry, sir. It won’t happen again.

JAIME
Scout Leader, Willy got some of Louie’s blood in a cut. Do we have any disinfectant spray
or something?

SCOUT LEADER
You can bet your foot we don’t. Tough it out, Willy. You hurt yourself, you’re on your
own, bucko. Don’t slow down the team.

WILLY
Yes, Scout Leader.

SCOUT LEADER
Good. Now get back to carving.

The boys return to carving.

JAIME
Hey, where were you, Scout Leader?

SCOUT LEADER
Checking out the woods. Making sure no wolves get close or anything. Where are Jack
and Kevin?

WILLY
They haven’t come back yet.

SCOUT LEADER
That a fact? Those boys won’t be getting the Usain Bolt badge, I’ll tell you that. But hey,
sharp working cutting up Louie.

JAIME
Thanks. It was mostly Willy. I just sorta watched.

SCOUT LEADER
I figured! From the looks of you, it seems like you’re not afraid to get your hands dirty!
You earned yourself the Expert Skinner badge. And the Adventurous Spirit badge to boot!
5 badge points total.

WILLY
What about Jaime?
 23.

SCOUT LEADER
If he doesn’t have a drop of blood on him, he’s no Eagle Scout. You gotta grow a pair
every now and then, kid.

JAIME
Yes, Scout Leader.

Kevin and Jack enter the tent carrying arm fulls of sticks.
They have a few bruises and small cuts.

SCOUT LEADER
What happened, cowboys? How’d you get so beat from pickin’ up sticks?

KEVIN
Oh. JAck fell into a thorn bush, and I went to get him out.

JACK
Such bull. We--

KEVIN
He nearly wet his pants in that bush.

JACK
He’s full of it, Scout Leader. We both fell into the bush.

KEVIN
This guy couldn’t stop crying.

JACK
Stop. Now.

KEVIN
Alright. My bad.

SCOUT LEADER
None of that’s important, boys. From where I’m standing, it looks like you caught hell
doing just about the simplest god dang thing I can think of. Eagle Scouts are the rulers of
the woods, and you tripped into thorns?

JACK
We heard wolves, sir.
 24.

SCOUT LEADER
Zip those lips, pip. Why would rulers be afraid of some dumb, dirty wolves? -2 badge
points. Now that your back, Kevin, start the fire.

KEVIN
Yes, sir.

Kevin rubs two sticks together (or however you’re

supposed to do it) on some dry leaves. A small fire lights.

SCOUT LEADER
Get grillin’, Jaime. You got a long night ahead of you.

Jaime places the griddle over the fire and cooks pieces of
Louie. It smells delicious.

SCOUT LEADER
By now, I figure every wolf in this forest’s got a scent of our buddy Louie. Scouts, your
next task is hunting.

JAIME
You want us to hunt wolves?

SCOUT LEADER
No, kookypants. If the wolves don’t know we’re here, they won’t bother us. Your job is to
distract them. I want you to find and kill any critters you can and dump the bodies far away
from this tent. We keep this food to ourselves, ya hear?

EVERYONE
Yes, Scout Leader.

SCOUT LEADER
I’m gonna split you boys up into groups of twos.

JAIME
Can I go with Willy?

SCOUT LEADER
No. I’m grouping you by ranks. The scout with the most badge points pairs with the scout
with the least.

JACK
So that means I’m with Kevin, since Kevin has the least now.
 25.

SCOUT LEADER
Hold your horses. While you were off whisperin’ sweet nothings to a thorn bush, Willy
earned himself 5 badge points, putting him in the lead. Willy goes with Kevin. Jack, Jaime.

All boys except Willy groan.

SCOUT LEADER
Do my ears deceive me? Did I hear gripes? Must I hand out demerits?

EVERYONE
No, Scout Leader.

SCOUT LEADER
That’s what I thought.

Jaime takes the cooked Louie of the grill and hands a piece
to everyone. The boys are about to eat, when

SCOUT LEADER
Put that down. You got a lot of nerve eating without permission. You boys can eat after
you’ve done your work.

The boys groan.

SCOUT LEADER
Gripes?! In my tent? Back to work! The lot of ya! Git!

The boys exit the tent. Scout Leader takes a bite of Louie.

SCOUT LEADER
Just like mama used to make.

SCENE 4

Willy and Kevin wander through the woods. It’s getting

dark. There is a tree on stage.

KEVIN
How does he expect us to hunt anything without weapons?

WILLY
We’ll figure it out. Eagle Scouts have to be resourceful.

KEVIN
There are fucking wolves out here. He shouldn’t expect us to just “figure it out.”
 26.

WILLY
Complaining won’t help us. Here.

Willy tears a branch off the tree. He snaps it in two,

producing two sharp sticks.

WILLY
We can use these for now.

KEVIN
Perfect, I’ll just play fetch with the wolf eating my face.

WILLY
We’ll sharpen them when we go back to the tent. For now, just deal with it.

KEVIN
Or let’s just tell Scout Leader we did it.

WILLY
That wasn’t our task.

KEVIN
I’ll tell him you killed it. Can we please go back?

WILLY
Not until we do our job.

KEVIN
Dammit, I wanna go home.

WILLY
Then go home.

KEVIN
Alright. Chill. What’s your issue, WIlly?

WILLY
I don’t have an issue.

KEVIN
Bullshit, man. You’ve been on my ass since we left the tent. You in love with me or
something?

WILLY
No. Shut up. The animals might hear.
 27.

KEVIN
Damn, dude. You’re a real dick.

WILLY
What?

KEVIN
Nothing.

WILLY
What did you say?

KEVIN
You’re a fucking dick.

WILLY
Me? No. Jack’s a dick.

KEVIN
Jack’s a major dick. You’re an annoying dick.

WILLY
Well I’m sorry, okay? But I have the most badge points right now, and I’m not gonna lose
my lead because you’re homesick.

KEVIN
What the fuck with “homesick”! We’re surrounded by wolves. Our Scout Leader murdered
a kid.

WILLY
It was not murder.

KEVIN
Then what was it? A sacrifice?

WILLY
I don’t wanna say sacrifice.

KEVIN
Jesus fucking Christ. You and Jack are psychos man. You really want to be an Eagle Scout
that badly?

WILLY
Yeah.
 28.

KEVIN
Okay, well have fun. I’m out of here tomorrow morning.

WILLY
Good.

KEVIN
Nice. I’ll miss you too.

They hear a twig snap off stage.

KEVIN
What was that?

WILLY
I don’t know.

KEVIN
Shit, shit. I’m not getting eaten, bro.

WILLY
Let’s... Let’s uh...

KEVIN
Oh shit! Look there.

He points offstage.

KEVIN
It’s a deer.

WILLY
Oh. Great.

KEVIN
Yeah.

Pause.

KEVIN
Now we don’t have to lie to Scout Leader.

WILLY
Yep.
 29.

Pause.

WILLY
What are you waiting for? Kill it.

KEVIN
Me?!

WILLY
Yeah, you.

KEVIN
You were just sayin’ how it’s our task or whatever. What the fuck, Superman, you do it.

WILLY
No way. You haven’t done anything all night.

KEVIN
I’m literally quitting tomorrow.

WILLY
Listen, I carved a human fucking carcass less than an hour ago. Can you please just kill the
deer?

KEVIN
Fuck. No. You’re on your own, Willy Wetpants.

WILLY
Excuse me?

KEVIN
You heard me. Put up or shut up, loser.

WILLY
Fine... I guess I’m gonna have to do it... fuckin’ ridiculous... this isn’t fair to me y’know...
Here I go... Don’t wanna scare it... Can’t let it know I’m here.... Alright... 3... 2...

KEVIN
Fucking go, man. You’re giving me agita.

WILLY
I’m going! Right... now...
 30.

Willy slinks offstage with the makeshift spear.

SCENE 5.

Jack and Jaime walk together in tense silence.

JACK
I’m telling Scout Leader.

JAIME
Are you serious? Please don’t.

JACK
I’m gonna.

JAIME
Please. You could literally get me killed.

JACK
Should’ve thought about that earlier.

JAIME
You’re so petty.

JACK
And you’re not?

JAIME
I’m not putting your life on the line to get more badge points.

JACK
I’m not getting more badge points, retard. I’m keeping you from getting the badge points I
earned.

JAIME
Maybe if you weren’t such an arrogant braggart, I would’ve helped.

JACK
Bullshit. I bet you’re afraid to do any dirty work.

JAIME
I literally cooked a human.
 31.

JACK
After Scout Leader made you. While I walked through a forest full of wolves.

JAIME
I’ve been hunting my whole life. I could’ve killed the deer easily.

JACK
Oh my God. That’s sad.

JAIME
My dad’s a scout leader, asshole. He’s been training me my whole life.

JACK
Seriously?

JAIME
Yeah, so you know what? Go ahead. Tell Scout Leader. I’ll just tell him who my dad is.

JACK
You’re serious. You know, it’s pricks like you that really piss me off. Guys like me work
their ass off climbing the ranks, paying the bullshit membership fee every year, just for a
shot at being an Eagle Scout. And now you’re gonna get credit for my work. Why?
Because your daddy’s a scout leader? You’re a fuckin’ loser.

JAIME
My dad specifically requested I not be in his group so that I wouldn’t get an unfair
advantage.

JACK
Knew it. You people won’t admit just how lucky you are.

JAIME
I would’ve helped hunt if you weren’t such a dick.

JACK
You should’ve helped because it’s your job. You don’t have a clue how the real world
works. You and Willy Wetpants.

JAIME
Willy what?

JACK
Your boyfriend pissed himself at our middle school’s Winter Ball. A girl asked him to
dance. It was 7th fucking grade. She was ugly too.
 32.

JAIME
No he didn’t.

JACK
Yes he did. Because he’s a loser.

JAIME
He’s not a loser. You’re a bully.

JACK
Yes. I am. And thank God for me. People like me keep the world spinning.

JAIME
Fuck off.

JACK
Willy pissed his pants in middle school, I beat the shit out of him, and now he’s becoming
an Eagle Scout. I’m still waiting on a thank you.

JAIME
You’re an unbelievable egomaniac. An angel will get its wings when you die.

JACK
It’s science. It’s natural. It’s Freud, you retard.

JAIME
What? How is it Freud?

JACK
You know. The environment. The top of the food chain and shit.

JAIME
That’s Darwin.

JACK
I know the difference between Darwin and Freud.

JAIME
You obviously don’t.

JACK
Here’s something I know for a fact. You didn’t help me hunt. I’m gonna tell Scout Leader.
And whether your daddy saves you or not, I bet my life you’re gonna start working harder.
 33.

SCENE 6.

Scout Leader, Kevin, and Willy sit in the tent. Jack and
Jaime enter. There is a lid covering the griddle.

SCOUT LEADER
Well, well, well. Glad you boys could make it.

JACK
Sorry, Scout Leader. We could’ve gotten back sooner if I didn’t have to hunt single-
handedly.

JAIME
Jack kept bragging that he could kill any animal. I didn’t wanna get in his way.

JACK
He watched as I hunted by myself. He laughed when the first deer got away. He doesn't
deserve any of the badge points.

SCOUT LEADER
S’far as I can tell, neither of you deserve badges. Willy and Kevin did the same job much
faster. Furthermore, how in the heck did a deer get away from you?

JACK
It, um, ran?

SCOUT LEADER
Do you see the Dunce Cap badge on my sash?

JACK
No, sir.

SCOUT LEADER
If Eagle Scouts rule the forest, how did a piddling, lil doe get away from you?

JACK
Well-

SCOUT LEADER
Here’s a tip, Pip. Skip the lip or get the whip. Do I make myself clear?

JACK
Huh? What? I don’t understand.
 34.

SCOUT LEADER
-5 badge points.

JACK
What?!

SCOUT LEADER
Skip the lip or get the whip. Must I make it six badge points?

Jack bites his tongue (metaphorically).

SCOUT LEADER
Okay! Dinner time! Din-ner-time! What’s on the menu? Ah ha ha.

WILLY
Better luck next time, Jack.

JACK
Thanks, Willy Wetpants. Must’ve been easy without a fairy holding you back.

JAIME
Shut up, Jack.

JACK
Jaime, you have no right talking to me right now. And you know what, you have no right
being an Eagle Scout either.

SCOUT LEADER
Now, Jack. No matter how true that might be, it’s impolite.

JAIME
Scout Leader!

SCOUT LEADER
Yes, Jaime?

JAIME
Um, never mind. I have what it takes to a be a scout, I just don’t feel the need to gloat about
how easy it’ll be.

JACK
No, all you have to do is ask your dad for a promotion.
 35.

SCOUT LEADER
You’re Ben’s kid! I knew I knew you. Welcome aboard!

JAIME
Thanks, Scout Leader. Jack has been an asshole to me all night.

SCOUT LEADER
That’s a curse, Jaime. -1 badge point.

JAIME
He’s been making fun of me since the retreat started.

SCOUT LEADER
Nobody likes a tattletale, Jaime.

JAIME
What?

SCOUT LEADER
An Eagle Scout lets his actions speak for him. Earn your respect, kid.

JAIME
Whatever.

There’s a tense silence.

SCOUT LEADER
Anywayyy. Willy and Kevin successfully completed their first hunt. And quickly to boot!
You’ve both earned the Quick Feet and First Blood badges. +6 badge points!

WILLY KEVIN
Thanks. Thanks.

Another silence.

SCOUT LEADER
Okey dokey! Time for grub. Din-ner! Din-ner! Din-ner!

Just before Scout Leader removes the lid from the griddle.

SCOUT LEADER
Also, no food for you, Jaime.

JAIME
What do you mean?
 36.

SCOUT LEADER
There’s only so much food, you know. As of now, you have the least badge points. I need
to make sure my high-performing scouts are well fed.

JAIME
So what? I get nothing?

SCOUT LEADER
That’s right.

JAIME
How am I supposed to perform if I’m not fed?

SCOUT LEADER
How are my top scouts supposed to perform if they’re not fed?

JACK
Serves you right.

JAIME
Fine. I’ll get my own food.

WILLY
You can have some of mine.

JAIME
No thanks. I don’t really feel like eating a human being anyway.

SCOUT LEADER
I like that initiative, Jaime! +1 badge point.

JAIME
I’ll be back soon.

Jaime exits the tent.

SCOUT LEADER
Dig in, scouts!

Scout Leader lifts the lid. There is about 70% less food
than there was in the previous scenes.

WILLY
Huh?
 37.

KEVIN
What gives?

JACK
What happened to the food, Scout Leader?

SCOUT LEADER
It’s a bit overcooked, but that’s on Jaime.

WILLY
No, we mean... Where’d it all go?

SCOUT LEADER
That’s your portion.

JACK
For all three of us?

SCOUT LEADER
That’s right.

KEVIN
But...

SCOUT LEADER
What?

WILLY
What about the rest of it?

SCOUT LEADER
That’s my portion.

KEVIN
But that’s most of Louie.

SCOUT LEADER
Do you expect me to lead you on an empty stomach?

JACK
It’s just--

WILLY
No, sir. We don’t.
 38.

SCOUT LEADER
Listen up, scouts. Not anybody can become a Scout Leader. The work we do is important
and complicated. We are very valuable members of society, and expect due compensation
to keep us motivated. I can’t afford to worry about how hungry I am. The food I earned is
what I deserve. The food you earned is what you deserve. Crystal clear or murky turkey?

WILLY
Crystal clear.

JACK
Crystal clear.

SCOUT LEADER
Work hard enough and you can earn as much grub as I do one day.

KEVIN
Yes, Scout Leader.

SCOUT LEADER
Dig in!

The boys eat Louie. The meat is tough as leather and the
boys struggle to eat it. Not long after, Jaime enters the tent,
dragging a dead deer behind him. The deer has a stick
jutting out of its rump.

SCOUT LEADER
Hoowee! Capital work, Jaime.

KEVIN
Where’d you find that deer?

JAIME
I tracked it.

JACK
Bullshit.

SCOUT LEADER
-1 badge/ point.

JACK
/There’s no way you tracked a deer so quickly.
 39.

JAIME
Explain the dead deer.

WILLY
How close was it to the camp?

JAIME
Far enough that I had to track it.

KEVIN
Good.

WILLY
You stabbed it right?

JAIME
What do you mean?

KEVIN
When you tracked it, were you the one that stabbed it?

JAIME
Yeah?

There’s an awkward silence.

SCOUT LEADER
Anyways. Good work, Jaime. You earned the Night Stalker and Insurgent Queller badges.
+6 badge points!

There is a nearby howl.

KEVIN
Scout Leader?

SCOUT LEADER
Sh!

Scout Leader cautiously peaks outside.

SCOUT LEADER
Drat.
 40.

WILLY
Are they close?

SCOUT LEADER
You boys spread out the animal corpses, right?

JACK
Yeah, I dumped two deer carcasses about 3 miles West.

SCOUT LEADER
Willy?

WILLY
Yes, sir?

SCOUT LEADER
Where’d you dump the carcass?

WILLY
East.

SCOUT LEADER
How far?

KEVIN
3 miles.

SCOUT LEADER
Then why the fuck are there wolves at my doorstep?!

Silence.

SCOUT LEADER
I smell demerits, scouts.

Howls extremely close. The shadow of a running wolf

passes on the back wall of the tent. They all scream.

JACK
What do we do?

SCOUT LEADER
No gettin’ around it. They know we’re here. They smell our food. They won’t leave til they
get some.
 41.

KEVIN
What do we do?

SCOUT LEADER
Don’t you worry boys, those dumb wolves don’t know just how much food we have.
We’ll give ‘em a slice and they’ll leave us alone. Kevin, give me some of your portion.

KEVIN
Huh? Why me?

SCOUT LEADER
As of now, you are the lowest performing scout.

KEVIN
But Jaime has a whole deer.

SCOUT LEADER
Jaime does not have a whole deer. He gets a portion, just like you did.

JAIME
What do you mean?

KEVIN
No time for chit chat. Gimme.

KEVIN
But... okay.

Kevin gives him a slice of Louie. He tosses it to Willy.

SCOUT LEADER
Git, Willy.

WILLY
I can’t feed them.

SCOUT LEADER
Sure, you can. You’re my best scout!

WILLY
They might eat me.

SCOUT LEADER
Every Eagle Scout has to deal with wolves sooner or later. The secret is to give em just a
bit of this meat while we hide the rest.
 42.

WILLY
I can’t do it.

SCOUT LEADER
You want demerits?

A nearby howl.

JACK
I can do it, Scout Leader.

WILLY
No. I’ll do it.

Willy walks near the entrance to the tent. He tosses the

slice of Louie just outside the flaps.

SCOUT LEADER
What in the hell was that, you twat?!

WILLY
Wha? What’s wrong?

SCOUT LEADER
You don’t just leave it at our doorstep! They’ll find out we have more food in here! Jesus
Christmas. You throw like a goddamned girl! Kevin!

KEVIN
Yes, sir?

SCOUT LEADER
Give me the rest of your portion. We gotta lure them away from the tent.

KEVIN
Huh? What about Willy’s food?

SCOUT LEADER
You are the lowest performing scout.

KEVIN
What are you-- what? That’s not fair.

SCOUT LEADER
You trying to get us all eaten? Just give me the food.
 43.

KEVIN
That’s bullshit! What about Jamie's deer?

SCOUT LEADER
Jaime will get no more food than the lot of you.

KEVIN
But that’s-- you-- Jaime didn’t kill that deer!

WILLY
What do you mean?

JAIME
Shut up. Willy stabbed that deer. He couldn’t kill it, so we let it run away.

SCOUT LEADER
That true, Willy?

A wolf howls just off stage.

JACK
Scout Leader, they’re right outside!

SCOUT LEADER
Answer me, Willy. Did you deny your call of duty?

WILLY
No, sir. Kevin stabbed the deer.

KEVIN
He’s lying.

SCOUT LEADER
Jaime, are you the one who stabbed the deer?

JAIME
No, Scout Leader.

SCOUT LEADER
So you boys lied to my face about doing your job? And your fuck up brought wolves to
my front door? Please tell me I’m wrong, scouts.

Silence.
 44.

SCOUT LEADER
I thought better of you. You’ll be lucky if all you get is demerits.

JACK
Scout Leader, the wolves--

SCOUT LEADER
Shut up! You’re worse than the lot of them. Lying is one thing -- an Eagle Scout has to
every now and then, but I’ll be damned if they’re afraid of some dirty wolves.

Silence.

SCOUT LEADER
I swear, scouts these days are made of weaker stuff than my generation. What’d you girls
think this was gonna be? A skip through the park? How are none of you willing to do the
work and get your hands dirty?

Silence. There is a howl very nearby.

SCOUT LEADER
Watch and learn, boys. This is how a man conducts business.

Scout Leader takes the rest of Jaime’s portion. He exits the

tent with it.

SCOUT LEADER
Come and get it, you dirty wolves.

Scout Leader’s silhouette is displayed on the back wall of

the tent. Wolves’ silhouettes surround him.

SCOUT LEADER
You’re in my way. You want it? Git!

A wolf approaches him. He kicks it away.

SCOUT LEADER
Don’t get any ideas now!

A wolf bites him. He screams. The boys scream. He falls

to the ground.

SCOUT LEADER
Lord in heaven, why?!
 45.

The wolves surround and attack him.

SCOUT LEADER
Help me, scouts! Help me! Please help!

The boys are petrified.

SCOUT LEADER
1,000 badge points to whoever helps me!

Willy starts for the entrance, but stops in his tracks.

SCOUT LEADER
Goddamn!

We see the wolf silhouettes tear off Scout Leader’s legs.

He reaches his hands out. Just when we suspect he will
die, he grabs a wolf’s head and breaks its neck. The other
wolves flee. Scout Leader lies still.

JAIME
Scout Leader?

Scout Leader’s silhouette moves. He removes the stakes of

the tent and pops his head in under the flap.

SCOUT LEADER
And where the hell were you boys?

Scout Leader grabs the wolf carcass behind him and slides
it into the tent.

WILLY
Are you okay, Scout Leader?

SCOUT LEADER
I’m afraid my legs have been torn off. Damn wolves. Give ‘em a nibble and they want the
whole meal. Stupid fuckin’... wolves. The...bastards... can’t...

JACK
Scout Leader? Scout Leader?

SCOUT LEADER
Huh? Oh, boys. Looks like they... got me good.
 46.

KEVIN
What can we do?

SCOUT LEADER
What’s that, Kevin...? I can’t hear you.

KEVIN
What can we do?

SCOUT LEADER
You’ll have to get closer.

Kevin take a few steps toward Scout Leader.

KEVIN
What do you want us to do, Scout Leader?

SCOUT LEADER
I’m sorry, Kevin. A little closer.

Kevin is right by Scout Leader now.

KEVIN
Scout Leader?

SCOUT LEADER
I... forgive me...

Scout Leader dies. The boys form a semicircle around him.

JACK
No shit.

WILLY
Now what?

The boys stand in silence. Scout Leader props himself up

and grabs Kevin by the collar. He pulls him to the ground.
Everybody is screaming.

JACK
Kevin!
 47.

Scout Leader holds Kevin in a choke hold. Kevin kicks

and flails in vain.

JACK
Let go of him!

SCOUT LEADER
Touch me and you will never become an Eagle Scout.

The boys watch helplessly as Scout Leader chokes Kevin.

Kevin stares at Jack until he finally dies.

SCOUT LEADER
Willy, get the axe from my backpack. Cut his legs off.

Willy doesn’t move.

SCOUT LEADER
Chop chop.

Willy looks through the backpacks.

SCOUT LEADER
Jack, carve the wolf. We’ll need his flesh.

Jack doesn’t move.

SCOUT LEADER
I’m bleeding out here, kid.

Jack still doesn’t move.

SCOUT LEADER
Jaime, prep the medkit.

Jaime does so.

SCOUT LEADER
What’s the problem, Jack? You want demerits?

A long pause. Jack takes out a pocket knife and cuts into
the wolf.
 48.

SCOUT LEADER
Ah. This is what I love to see. Men at work.
 49.

ACT 2

SCENE 1.

Daytime. Jaime and Jack sit on opposite ends of the tent as

Willy cooks Kevin.

WILLY
Breakfast.

Willy passes portions of the cooked meat to Jaime and

Jack.

JACK
You can have mine.

WILLY
You should eat. Who knows what Scout Leader will make us do today.

JACK
Yeah, well I’ll figure it out when that happens.

WILLY
If you say so.

Willy sits next to Jaime. Perhaps he tries to start a

conversation, but finds no words. They eat in silence.
Scout Leader enters the tent.

SCOUT LEADER
It is one hell of a morning!

Kevin’s legs have been sutured to Scout Leader’s body.

The wolf’s pelt is also sutured to his lower abdomen and
Kevin’s pelvis, holing the two together. It is a bloody,
Frankenstein-esque horror show.

WILLY
Food’s ready.

SCOUT LEADER
Thank you kindly, Willy. That looks delicious.

Willy hands him a portion. Scout Leader digs in.

 50.

SCOUT LEADER
Impressive, Willy! You just got the 5-Star Chef Badge! 5 badge points!

WILLY
Thanks.

The boys eat in silence. Scout Leader walks around the fire
pit.

SCOUT LEADER
Man, oh man. Jack, was this kid an athlete or something? These legs feel better than my old
pair!

JACK
We played football together.

SCOUT LEADER
He must’ve been a hell of a player.

JACK
He was.

SCOUT LEADER
And, Jaime, impeccable work stitching these to me. You’ve earned the Field Medic badge.
3 badge points!

Jaime continues eating.

SCOUT LEADER
Wanna know the best thing about this situation? Fuckin’ wolves didn’t get my Johnson.
Now I got two dingalings! Course, one of ‘em can’t really do anything. My wife would
say, “neither can the other one!” Ah ha ha.

The boys eat.

SCOUT LEADER
What the fuck, scouts? That was hilarious.

Willy chuckles a little.

JAIME
You keep cursing, Scout Leader.
 51.

SCOUT LEADER
Well, we’ve been through thick and thin by this point. I think it’s okay for us to start
dropping formalities.

The boys eat.

SCOUT LEADER
You lot are still upset about Kevin. Well I’m upset too. You don’t think I am? I get no
pleasure taking a young man’s life. But I wasn’t given any choice. Was I? Kevin had a job.
He was to kill that deer. He couldn’t and it put our lives in danger. I did what I could to fix
the whole mess, but at the end of the day. You saw it. Does anybody believe I had any
options? Does anybody believe that Kevin, the lowest performing scout, had a greater right
to live than I do? I mean, Christ, I can hardly walk into headquarters without-- heh heh.
Sorry. Poor timing, poor timing-- without tripping over a new Eagle Scouts recruit, but
Scout Leaders are hard to come by. We are invaluable members of society. I sacrificed
Kevin so I could guide you and boys like you. To make sure no scouts will die ever again.
This is the first and last time scouts have died under my watch. I promise.

The boys are silent.

SCOUT LEADER
Well, I guess I wouldn’t call it a sacrifice.

SCOUT LEADER
I would never kill anybody. Unless letting them live would do more harm than good.
Frankly, I’m ashamed. This is the sorriest introduction to the Eagle Scouts I’ve ever been a
part of.

Silence.

SCOUT LEADER
But that being said, it’s not me your upset with. You might think so, but it’s the wolves.
The wolves forced me into this position. Hey, I’m as much a victim as Kevin. You too.
We’re all victims here.

Silence.

SCOUT LEADER
You should learn to appreciate the morning. It’s not everyday you get a chance to. The time
to appreciate a beautiful morning. That’s the best part about being an Eagle Scout.

Silence.

SCOUT LEADER
Here, I got something that’ll make you feel better.
 52.

Scout Leader exits the tent. He returns with a wolf’s head

mounted to a spear.

SCOUT LEADER
Eh? Huh? Right? This’ll show those bastard wolves who they’re messing with. Cool, huh?
Right? What’d you think? What’d you think, Willy?

WILLY
It’s cool.

SCOUT LEADER
I know, right? That brings us to our first task of the day. Take a knee, scouts.

The scouts take a knee.

SCOUT LEADER
I guess I’ll take one for Kevin! Huh? Eh? Right?

Silence.

SCOUT LEADER
You need time. I get it. Those bastard wolves took him from us. They eat way more deer
than we ever could, and yet they still want out hard-earned grub. We need to hit them
where it hurts by cutting off their food source. Today, we kill and harvest every deer we
can find. That way, we’ll never have to worry about eating one of our own again. If any
wolf tries to stop you, make an example of them. Understood?

WILLY
How many deer should we catch?

SCOUT LEADER
As many as you can. We need to make sure we stay fed and those wolves pay the price for
going after one ofus. I’m not letting another one of my boys die this retreat. Are you ready?
Let me hear your roar!

They put no effort into it.

SCOUT LEADER
Come on, scouts. I thought you’d be excited.

Silence.
 53.

SCOUT LEADER
As my Scout Leader once taught me, nothing ignites the fire of youth like a little
competition. The scout with the fewest deer loses all of their badge points.

The boys groan.

JACK
That’s bullshit.

WILLY
You want to hunt together, Jaime?

SCOUT LEADER
I wouldn’t if I were you. Because the scout with the most deer is instantly promoted to
Eagle Scout. Woooooooaaaaaah! That’s right!

JACK
Are you serious?

SCOUT LEADER
Cross my heart and hope to die. Gear up, boys.

They scramble for gear.

SCOUT LEADER
Hold on, almost forgot. I got a surprise for you.

Scout Leader rummages through a bag and pulls out 3

camo suits and face paint.

SCOUT LEADER
Ta-da!

JAIME
What.

SCOUT LEADER
Here are your official, off-the-record Eagle Scout uniforms. Can’t let the wolves see you
taking all the deer, you know? Don’t want to lead them back here.

WILLY
Makes sense. Good thinking, Scout Leader.

SCOUT LEADER
I like that attitude! You’ve earned the Happy Camper badge! 1 badge point!
 54.

WILLY
Yes, sir!

JACK
We’ll get right to it.

SCOUT LEADER
Okay then, chop chop.

The boys exit the tent. Scout Leader eats what remains of
Kevin.

SCOUT LEADER
Hm. Should I have the breast, or the thigh? Ah ha ha.

Scout Leader slaps his knee.

SCENE 3.

Jack Undresses in the woods. He is in shorts and boxers.

He is about to put on the camouflage suit when...

JAIME
Willy!

Jaime enters the stage.

JAIME
Oh, sorry. I thought you were Willy.

JACK
Nope.

JAIME
Oh. Alright.

Jack puts on his suit.

JAIME
Welp. Bye.

JACK
Bye.
 55.

Jaime starts to leave.

JAIME
Hey, is-- are you alright?

JACK
What?

JAIME
Nothing.

JACK
See ya.

Jaime starts to leave.

JAIME
I’m sorry about what happened to Kevin.

JACK
Don’t be.

JAIME
I know you were friends.

JACK
It is what it is.

JAIME
Do you want to hunt together?

JACK
No. Wait. Huh? What about Willy?

JAIME
I’ll help him too. Listen, man, Scout Leader is a psychopath. I honestly have no idea what
he’ll do to the loser of this competition.. But if all three of us catch the same number of
deer, he won’t have a reason to kill us. Maybe he’ll promote us all.

JACK
You’re too nice, kid.

JAIME
Nice has nothing to do with it. I don’t wanna see another Kevin. Or Louie.

Jack applies his camo face paint.

 56.

JAIME
We can all get a fair shot this way.

JACK
I don’t want a fair shot anymore. I just wanna be done with this. I’m winning this contest.

JAIME
You might get one of us killed.

JACK
Then go home.

JAIME
I can’t.

JACK
Why?

JAIME
My dad--

Pause.

JAIME
If I actually try, I’ll win, you know. I’ve been hunting forever.

JACK
Do it. But don’t go crying if Willy or I die.

JAIME
What’s your problem?

JACK
I watched my best friend die so that I could become an Eagle Scout. I’m too far gone. I
either leave these woods an Eagle Scout, or...

Jack finishes up his face paint.

JACK
Doesn’t matter how good at hunting you are. I’m still the top of the food chain. It all comes
back to Freud.

Jack exits the stage.

 57.

SCENE 3.

Willy wanders through the woods. He is in full

camouflage. There is a rustling behind him. Jack enters.

JACK
Yo.

WILLY
Sh. You’ll scare away deer.

JACK
Jaime teach you that?

WILLY
What? No. I’ve always known that.

JACK
Whatever. You see any deer yet?

WILLY
Does it look like it?

JACK
You gonna actually kill it this time around?

WILLY
I’ll do what I can.

JACK
I bet Jaime will. He knows his shit.

WILLY
Probably.

Jack kneels beside Willy.

JACK
Willy, you and I are not friends.

WILLY
Awesome. Thanks for coming to remind me.
 58.

JACK
Listen. We’re not friends, but I got respect for you. You wanna be an Eagle Scout just as
bad as I do. It pisses me off, but it makes me a better scout, you know?

WILLY
You’re scaring the deer away.

JACK
Bro, we need to do something about Jaime.

WILLY
What are you talking about?

JACK
He doesn’t give a fuck about being an Eagle Scout. He’s doing this shit because his dad
raised him to.

WILLY
I don’t know about that.

JACK
Even if he lost all his badge points, I bet his dad would still make him an Eagle Scout. We
don’t get a fucking safety net.

WILLY
Well. You’re not wrong.

JACK
Willy, we got no chance. We gotta do something about Jaime.

WILLY
No.

JACK
Come on.

WILLY
I can’t. He’s so nice.

JACK
Super nice. He’ll totally understand.

WILLY
What if we get caught?
 59.

JACK
By who? The police? We’re in the fucking woods. Nobody will know.

WILLY
Jaime deserves it though.

JACK
Maybe. But we want it more. Are you in or out?

Willy doesn’t respond.

JACK
Look, I’m doing this, with or without you. It’s happening. But if you help me out, I’ll give
you half of Jaime’s deer.

WILLY.
Deal.

They spit in their hands and shake.

WILLY
What did you have in mind?

SCENE 4.

Jaime wanders through the woods with three deer

carcasses, carrying one on his shoulders and dragging the
others. There is rustling behind a nearby tree.

JAIME
Hello?

There is another rustle at the opposite end of the stage.

Jaime scans the area. A wolf’s head peers out from a
nearby tree/bush.

JAIME
Okay. Easy now. Easy.

As Jaime backs up, there is another rustle behind him. The

scans the area before looking back at the wolf.

JAIME
Don’t worry. You can have it. All yours.
 60.

He leaves two of the deer on the ground and backs away

slowly until he eventually exits the stage. The wolf stays
still for a while.

Jack emerges from a nearby tree/bush. Willy emerges from

another, carrying the wolf head mounted on a pole from
earlier.

WILLY
Shit. He took one with him.

JACK
Yep.

WILLY
Oh well. Good thing we did this. Now we all have one.

JACK
Nope. I have two.

WILLY
Excuse me?

JACK
You want ‘em? Take ‘em from me.

WILLY
Are you kidding?

JACK
Let’s be real, you couldn’t kill a deer in the first place. You couldn’t kill the one from last
night.

WILLY
Kevin couldn’t kill it.

JACK
God dammit. I’m the kinda guy--- I think a person can do whatever the fuck they want.
Just don’t pretend to be somebody you ain’t. But you. All you do is the bare minimum,
then lie about it. And it got my best friend killed.

WILLY
It’s not my fault Kevin died. Blame the wolves.
 61.

JACK
I bet you haven’t actually earned one damn thing since you joined the scouts.

WILLY
Don’t lecture me on earning shit when you just helped me steal from Jaime.

JACK
Why do you think I brought you here, dipshit? You want the deer? You can have it. But
you have to fight me for it.

WILLY
That’s ridiculous. I’m not gonna fight you.

JACK
Fuck you. Where are your balls, Willy Wetpants?

WILLY
I’m not fighting you. It doesn’t solve anything.

JACK
It doesn’t-- what? I’m offering you the fucking deer. What more do you want?

WILLY
Suck my dick.

Jack punches Willy. Willy falls to the floor. He stands and

punches Jack back.

JACK
That’s what I thought.

The two engage in a brawl. Willy lands a few punches

here and there, but Jack is clearly winning the fight. They
fight for around a minute before Jack pins Willy to the
ground. He punches Willy’s face several times as he says:

JACK
You twat. You got my best friend killed. You’re a loser. You’re still just a fucking loser.
You have no right being an Eagle Scout.

As Jack punches Willy, Willy reaches for the spear with

the wolf’s head. He removes the wolf’s head and stabs
Jack with the spear.
 62.

JACK
Are you... serious?

Jack falls over. He twists and turns on the floor as he

bleeds out. He eventually dies. After a while, Willy stands
up. His face is bruised and bloody. He stumbles over to
the deer. He tries dragging it, but falls over. He tries to
stand again before he passes out.

Willy lays unmoving. The light turns from day to dusk.

There is howling in the distance. It wakes Willy up. He
crawls over to Jack’s corpse. He takes the spear out of
Jack and uses it to help stand up. He staggers to deer and
tries grabbing it once more. He is still too weak. The
howls are closer now. After a moment, Willy decides to
leave without the deer.

SCENE 5.

Scout Leader and Jaime sit alone in the tent. Scout Leader
is eating a large portion of Jaime’s deer. Jaime is
rummaging through a bag.

JAIME
I’m done looking, sire.

SCOUT LEADER
Anything good?

JAIME.
No. Mostly poetry collections. He brought Goethe, Wordsworth, Shelly... All Romantic
poets. Guess Louie liked nature.

SCOUT LEADER
You don’t say. Shame he had to go so early. I bet he could at least appreciate a lovely
morning.

JAIME
Yeah. Shame.

SCOUT LEADER
Those boys sure are taking a while. Maybe there is a shortage of deer.
 63.

JAIME
That’s what I’m saying, sir. I was out there for hours and only found one.

SCOUT LEADER
I was kidding, scout. We’re in the woods. When has there ever been a shortage of deer?

JAIME
Well Winter’s almost here. The numbers are bound to go down before hibernation season.

SCOUT LEADER
You’d think so, but it ain’t the case.

JAIME
What do you mean? Animals are hunting more, so of course deer will dwindle a bit.

SCOUT LEADER
It’s the woods, kid. Deer have always been here. Deer will always be here.

JAIME
Well, over time, as the population grows bigger and hunting technology gets better, deer
will dwindle eventually.

SCOUT LEADER
I’ve been in these woods for decades. The number of deer has never dropped.

JAIME
Well--

SCOUT LEADER
End of discussion. You’ll know what I’m talking about when you’re older.

JAIME
Yes, sir.

The two eat in silence.

SCOUT LEADER
Didn’t your daddy teach you anything about the woods?

JAIME
He doesn’t like talking about work.

Scout Leader holds back a chuckle.

 64.

SCOUT LEADER
I bet he doesn’t.

They eat in silence.

JAIME
Well, he did mention a few things.

SCOUT LEADER
Oh, yeah? Like what?

JAIME
Well. He said this. I’m not sure how much I agree. But I’d like your opinion. He says the
recruitment program is too hard on the scouts. It makes them callous.

SCOUT LEADER
Your dad said that?

JAIME
Something like it. To that effect. I’m paraphrasing.

SCOUT LEADER
Am I gonna have to give you demerits for lying?

JAIME
No, sir. It’s not a lie. Honest. He said that.

Scout Leader laughs.

SCOUT LEADER
Kid, your dad is the most ruthless son of a bitch I’ve ever met!

JAIME
Ruthless? What do you mean?

SCOUT LEADER
Well. Hold the telephone. How well do you know your dad?

JAIME
I know him well. He’s my dad.

SCOUT LEADER
Eh. Forget it. I got a funny story, but... Maybe when you’re older.
 65.

JAIME
Yes, sir.

A long silence.

JAIME
It’s getting late. I wonder where those guys are.

SCOUT LEADER
Knowing them, they won’t come back until the kill every last deer in this forest.
Competition keeps the blood flowing. Gotta love it.

Brief silence. Willy walks into the tent. He nearly

collapses.

SCOUT LEADER
Whoa Nelly! Where are your deer?

JAIME
Are you okay? What happened?

WILLY
I’m sorry, Scout Leader. I... They... I had a few, but then wolves surrounded me. I had to
leave the deer.

JAIME
You too?

SCOUT LEADER
“You too?”

WILLY
I’m sorry. I can go back--

SCOUT LEADER
Why did you say “you too?”

JAIME
Well, I also saw some wolves.

SCOUT LEADER
And you neglected to tell me?
 66.

JAIME
I’m sorry, sir. Honest. I got away from them. I didn’t think it was a big deal.

SCOUT LEADER
Hear that? “Wasn’t a big deal”. Jaime escaped wolves with his deer. What’s your excuse,
Willy?

WILLY
I had multiple deer, sir.

SCOUT LEADER
And you couldn’t escape with even one?

WILLY
I was surrounded. Those fuckin’ wolves, sir.

SCOUT LEADER
And what in the hell happened to your face?

WILLY
I was... Kicked by a deer, sir.

SCOUT LEADER
Kicked by- kicked by a deer?! Did you run head first into its hooves? How do you get
kicked by a deer?

WILLY
I snuck up on it and it attacked.

SCOUT LEADER
“Attacked”. In my two decades as Scout Leader, a deer has never once “Attacked” any
scout.

WILLY
It did, sir! Scout’s honor.

SCOUT LEADER
You lot are irking me- trying to tell me how deer behave. How few deer there are. I know
deer better than you probably ever will. They do not attack.

WILLY
I’m sorry.
 67.

SCOUT LEADER
And what did I tell you about the wolves? I said to make an example of them! And you
what? Fed them?

WILLY
I, but--

SCOUT LEADER
Do not “but” me, kid.. Did you feed the wolves? Yes or no?

WILLY
Yes.

SCOUT LEADER
For the love of-- its shit like this that made those wolves attack me last night. You give ‘em
one nibble and suddenly they wanna stuff their fat faces.“Attacked by a deer”. A deer! Son,
from where I’m standing, you have -1 points. Jaime has one point. You’ve already lost this
competition.

Willy hangs his head.

WILLY
What about Jack?

SCOUT LEADER
Hasn’t come back. Don’t see how he could possibly lose to you. You know where he is?

WILLY
No.

SCOUT LEADER
Oh my stars. I guess its my responsibility to go find him.

Scout Leader exits the tent. He intermittently calls out

Jack’s name offstage.

JAIME
I’m sorry about that. It really sucks. Just be glad that you made it out alive. Things
could’ve easily gone the other way, you know?

Silence.

JAIME
It’s not your fault what happened. I don’t know why Scout Leader doesn’t see that. Maybe
I can talk to my dad. Get you your badge points back.
 68.

Silence.

JAIME
Maybe the same thing happened to Jack. Who knows? We both saw wolves. Maybe so did
he. Maybe he also got kicked by a deer.

Silence.

JAIME
I hope nothing bad happened to him. He’s a fucking asshole, but still. His friend just died,
you know?

Silence.

JAIME
It’s getting late.

Silence.

JAIME
I wonder where that pole went.

Scout Leader reenters the tent.

SCOUT LEADER
No sign of him. You boys go look for him. I’ll hold the fort. And stick together.

WILLY
I think it’d be better if we travel alone. Cover more ground.

SCOUT LEADER
No. These wolves are acting out. They’ve never been this aggressive before. Kill any you
see. Do well, and maybe I’ll let you apply to the Eagle Scouts again next year, alright
Willy?

WILLY
I won’t let you down ,sir.

SCOUT LEADER
The faster the better. Git.

The boys exit the tent.

 69.

SCENE 5.

The spot where Willy killed Jack. Jack’s body is now a

skeleton. The dead deer is fully intact. The wolf head and
bloody pole lay off to the side.

WILLY (OFF STAGE)

I was right. There is something here.

Willy and Jaime walk on stage.

JAIME
What the hell. This is where I was surrounded by wolves. Look!

Jaime kneels beside Jack’s skeleton.

JAIME
Is... This Jack?

WILLY
Probably. I guess the wolves got him.

JAIME
This is right where I was earlier. Look, there’s the deer I dropped.

WILLY
Right, but why did the wolves eat Jack, but not the deer?

JAIME
I don’t know. Wait.

Jaime walks over to the pole and wolf head and picks them
up. He looks at Willy.

WILLY
What?

JAIME
This is the wolf head Scout Leader... Fuck me. I’m such an idiot.

WILLY
What?
 70.

JAIME
Nothing. It’s... Turns out Jack was a douchebag after all. I think he hid in the bush,
pretending... Whatever. It doesn’t matter now. But why is this pole covered in blood?

WILLY
Maybe he fought off the wolves.

JAIME
He stabbed a wolf. That was then able to stick around and eat him. Then walk off? That
doesn’t make sense.

Jaime studies the area. Particularly the floor.

JAIME
There’s so much blood where he died. There’s so much.

WILLY
That makes sense. He was eaten by wolves.

JAIME
Yeah, but... I don’t know.

WILLY
We found his body. Let’s just bring it back to Scout Leader. Bring the deer too.

Willy gathers the bones and walks away. Jaime stands

still.

WILLY
Come on. He was eaten by wolves. There’s no other explanation.

JAIME
Yeah. You’re right. Let’s go.

Willy walks offstage. Jaime drags the deer beside him.

SCENE 6.

The boys reenter the tent with the bones and the deer.

SCOUT LEADER
That was fast.

JAIME.
Yeah. It wasn’t too far from camp.
 71.

SCOUT LEADER
That him? Poor guy. Wolves are lashing out more than ever. But, so it is! You caught a
deer! Now we can eat all night!

JAIME
Yeah. Willy caught it.

SCOUT LEADER
That so? Guess you can put up a fight after all, scout!

WILLY
Yeah.

SCOUT LEADER
Good work. Why’d you bring Jack back?

JAIME
We... thought you’d want...

SCOUT LEADER
A sack of bones? What am I supposed to do with that?

JAIME
I don’t know.

SCOUT LEADER
Just bury it over there. I don’t wolves poking around for a chew toy.

JAIME
Alright.

Jaime digs a hole near the back of the tent.

SCOUT LEADER
Well, scouts, with only two of you left, I think it’s safe to end this retreat a little earlier than
expected. Jaime, you killed one deer, earning one point. Congratulations. You’re now an
Eagle Scout!

JAIME
Really?! Yes!!

WILLY
What about me?

SCOUT LEADER
What about you? +1 deer still leaves you at zero deer. Sorry, buddy. You lose.
 72.

WILLY
What? But Jack’s dead!

SCOUT LEADER
Which means you had less competition. You’re shooting yourself in the foot here.

WILLY
But... What the fuck?! Jack’s dead and he still places above me?!

SCOUT LEADER
He ain’t in the contest, ya cockamamie cockroach. Look, in every competition, there is a
winner and a loser. Sometimes people can break even. But there’s always a loser. You’re
the loser.

JAIME
Willy, I’m so so--

WILLY
That’s bullshit! Jaime fed the wolves too! Why doesn’t he lose a point?!

JAIME
Willy?

SCOUT LEADER
What does that mean?

WILLY
It means he had more deer. But he left them for the wolves. Why does he win? That’s
bullshit.

SCOUT LEADER
This true, Jaime.

JAIME
Well. Willy, how did you know?

WILLY
You said so. When we found the body. You said “there’s the deer I dropped”.

SCOUT LEADER
Jaime said that? So wait, is this his deer? What in the hell are you trying to pull, scouts?

WILLY
No, I hunted this deer. Jaime dropped a different deer.
 73.

JAIME
He’s lying.

WILLY
No I’m not. Why would the wolves eat Jack but not a dead deer?

JAIME
I don’t know!

WILLY
Exactly! He’s fucking lying! Our deer count is even!

JAIME
Willy. What the hell?

SCOUT LEADER
Willy... I love that fire! You’ve earned the Duplicitous Backstabber badge! 15 badge
points!

WILLY
Yes! Does that mean I also get the Xbox?

JAIME
Scout Leader. Do you really think he killed this deer? He can’t do anything right.

WILLY
Fuck you.

SCOUT LEADER
Do you feel it boys?! The blood soaring through your veins? Some healthy competition
goes a long way, ya? Jaime, it ain’t looking good for you right now.

JAIME
Are you kidding? Fine, what about yesterday? When he stabbed the deer that led the
wolves to camp.

WILLY
Kevin stabbed that deer!

JAIME
It was still your group’s fuck up!

WILLY
It was supposed to be wolf food!
 74.

JAIME
But you were supposed to kill it far away, not let it attract wolves!

SCOUT LEADER
Hot hot hot point, Jaime! -2 deer, Willy. Wowee! Jaime, You’re hereby reinstated as Eagle
Scout. Willy, you lose all badge points. Including the ones I just gave you.

WILLY
What the... What the fuck.

SCOUT LEADER
Jaime, keep digging. We leave in the morning.

Jaime resumes digging.

WILLY
Why? Why are you only allowing one Eagle Scout? I survived. I had the most badge
points. This isn’t fair. Give me a chance. You aren’t giving me a chance. The scouts is a
huge organization. Why are you only allowing one Eagle Scout? This isn’t fair. I worked
so hard. This isn’t fair.

SCOUT LEADER
It’s a selective program, sport. We only take the best of the best. No losers.

Jaime screams. He backs away from the hole.

WILLY
What?!

SCOUT LEADER
Ah fuck. Alright. Let me explain.

WILLY
What is it?

Jaime pulls a skeleton wearing a camouflage suit from the

hole.

JAIME
What the fuck is this?

SCOUT LEADER
That’s from three years ago? Four?
 75.

WILLY
You said that this is the first time anybody died on a retreat! You said this never happens!

SCOUT LEADER
It’s for PR reasons. You understand.

JAIME
No I don’t fucking understand! Are you telling me that the scouts murder recruits every
year?!

SCOUT LEADER
Listen, every scout died for good reason. They either screwed up, or it was for the good of
the team. This retreat is the first time we ever had death by wolves, believe it or not.

JAIME
That’s even worse! You lied to us.

SCOUT LEADER
I didn’t lie. The organization did.

JAIME
You are the organization.

SCOUT LEADER
I wish. Don’t blame me. I’m just doing my job.

WILLY
But you are the organization. You don’t have to follow your boss’ orders.

SCOUT LEADER
What? Don’t be so naive, you brat. If it wasn’t me doing it, it’d some other guy wearing
my uniform. If it’s gonna happen either way, I may as well get a pay day. Besides, you can
apply again next year. If you’re man enough.

There are howls very close by.

SCOUT LEADER
What the fuck? Did you boys let wolves follow you?

WILLY
No. I don’t think so?
 76.

SCOUT LEADER
Jesus Christ. Never in my life did I have do deal with wolves so often. You boys are a
piece of work.

JAIME
Just give them the deer.

SCOUT LEADER
And what are we supposed to eat?

JAIME
We can go one night without eating.

SCOUT LEADER
No. No, sir. That is our food. We worked hard for it. I’m not giving it to some dirty
wolves looking for a handout.

JAIME
You didn’t hunt it. I did! I get to decide what to do with it!

SCOUT LEADER
I think you’re forgetting that you owe me 70% of all your meals. That deer is mine. And if
you give an ounce of it to those wolves, you will face consequences.

JAIME
They’re hungry. We can go a night without food.

SCOUT LEADER
Why do you want to feed the wolves so badly? They were born wolves. We were born
men. We were born with the right to care for ourselves. They are not our responsibility.

JAIME
But we have so much food. If we gave them some, they would leave us alone.

SCOUT LEADER
How many fucking times-- If you give them a nibble, they want everything you’ve got. We
are the apex predator. Show weakness, and they’ll take over.

JAIME
Fuck you. I’m telling my dad. I’m telling him what happened here, and he’s gonna get you
arrested.

SCOUT LEADER
Don’t make me fucking laugh. Your dad’s killed more kids than lead poisoning.
 77.

JAIME
No. My dad isn’t like you.

SCOUT LEADER
Wrong. The man behind the uniform is different from the man in the uniform. But they’re
the same person alright. If you think I’m bad, you have no fucking idea.

Wolves shadows run by the back of the tent. Some chew

at the tent, tearing holes in the wall.

SCOUT LEADER
Oh, fuck me.

JAIME
I’m gonna tell my dad! I’ll call the police!

SCOUT LEADER
If you keep shouting, you’re gonna attract more wolves.

JAIME
You can’t do this shit to people.

SCOUT LEADER
For the love of God. Willy.

WILLY
Huh?

Scout Leader tosses him a pocket knife.

SCOUT LEADER
Kill Jaime.

WILLY
What?

JAIME
Are you kidding me? You can’t do that shit! This whole organization is a fucking horror
show.

SCOUT LEADER
Think about it, Willy. If you kill him, there’s nobody left. You get to be an Eagle Scout.
 78.

JAIME
Willy, it’s not worth it. Do you really want to be like this guy? You want to be a part of
this?

SCOUT LEADER
And you win that Xbox! I’ll even give you some of my games.

JAIME
He’s manipulating you, Willy. This whole retreat has made you a different person.

SCOUT LEADER
Think about how much stronger it made you. You’ve learned to fight for what you want.

JAIME
These guys are destroying the woods and the wildlife. For what? Sport?

SCOUT LEADER
Eagle Scouts are the apex predators of society. We simply do what’s necessary to stay on
top. It’s nature in action.

JAIME
They murder people.

SCOUT LEADER
Willy, people are born Eagle Scouts. Jaime, as we can now tell, was not born an Eagle
Scout. Prove to me that you were.

JAIME
We can change the scouts program. We can fight it.

SCOUT LEADER
The scouts program has never and will never change. Jaime is going to die. That’s a fact. If
you don’t do it, someone else will. The least you can do is get a pay day out of it.

JAIME
It’s not worth it. It isn’t worth it.

Willy ponders a long while. He walks over to Scout

Leader. Willy spits in his hand. Scout Leader does the
same. They shake.

JAIME
Willy?

Willy stabs Jaime in the temple. Jaime dies.

 79.

SCOUT LEADER
What a mess. You would think he’d have thicker skin, being the son of a Scout Leader.
One hell of a moral backbone, though. I almost envy it. But then I couldn’t do business.

Willy doesn’t respond.

SCOUT LEADER
Hey, buck up, champ. You’re an Eagle Scout! Congratulations!

WILLY
Thank you.

SCOUT LEADER
Toss his body to the wolves. We’ll eat the deer tonight. Or vice versa. Whatever you
prefer.

WILLY
I thought... we weren’t going to feed the wolves.

SCOUT LEADER
If we give ‘em one of our own, they’ll assume we have nothing left to give.

WILLY
I see. That makes sense.

SCOUT LEADER
It’s logical. Eagle Scouts are all about logic.

Willy drags Jaime to the entrance of the tent. He stares at

him a while before tossing him out of the entrance.

SCOUT LEADER
Good choice. While you cook that deer up, I got good news and bad news to give you.

WILLY
Just tell me.

SCOUT LEADER
Well, the good news is that the Eagle Scouts are a family. You’re now a part of that family,
and family always has each others back, no matter what.

WILLY
Okay.
 80.

SCOUT LEADER
That being said, you also need to help out the family. I’m sorry to do this. We try to keep
two kids around by the end to prevent this.

WILLY
Please. No more bullshit. What is it?

SCOUT LEADER
Well... somebody has to owe up to all these murders. Deaths, more accurately. And it sure
as hell won’t be me. The scouts program needs me.

WILLY
Okay.

SCOUT LEADER
Sorry, scout. I told you before. There’s always a winner and there’s always a loser. Sucks
you had to be both.

WILLY
I’m a loser.

SCOUT LEADER
No. You’re family. The family will never be able to put into words how much we owe you.

WILLY
So what happens now?

SCOUT LEADER
Well. You’ll probably have to go to a juvenile detention center for a while. Maybe a few
years. It’s a whole PR thing. You understand.

WILLY
I understand.

SCOUT LEADER
Oh, no shit? That’s awesome. Rest assured, as soon as you leave the facility, there will be a
spot in the Eagle Scouts waiting for you.

WILLY
But I am an Eagle Scout.

SCOUT LEADER
Nnnnnnnyeah. For the most part. Off the record at least. We can’t have one of our scouts
in juvie. Another PR thing.
 81.

WILLY
Okay.

SCOUT LEADER
I know this sucks to hear. But look at what you’ve accomplished. Eagle Scout.

WILLY
So I have to go to juvie.

SCOUT LEADER
That’s correct.

WILLY
For several years.

SCOUT LEADER
That’s unfortunately likely.

WILLY
For killing my fellow scouts.

SCOUT LEADER
Maybe juvie’ll let you bring your Xbox.

WILLY
Scout Leader.

SCOUT LEADER
Yes?

WILLY
I killed Jack.

SCOUT LEADER
I figured, kid. Wolves don’t attack. They’re too afraid.

WILLY
Right.

A long pause.

WILLY
Scout Leader?

SCOUT LEADER
Yes?
 82.

WILLY
Am I a loser?

SCOUT LEADER
What? Of course not. You’re an Eagle Scout.

WILLY
I know. I’m a part of the family and all that. But am I a loser?

SCOUT LEADER
Would a loser be able to do what you did? You’re a brave young man. You’ll do great
things.

WILLY
I did everything I could. I don’t want to go to juvie.

SCOUT LEADER
Sometimes that’s just how it goes.

A long silence.

SCOUT LEADER
Let’s eat some of that deer, okay? You earned it. I’ll even cook it for you!

Scout Leader walks over to the griddle. Willy picks up a

sharp bone from Jack’s skeleton.

SCOUT LEADER
Let’s see. It’s been a while.

Willy stabs Scout Leader in the back. Scout Leader

staggers around the tent until he falls to the floor.

SCOUT LEADER
Fuck. Should’ve seen it coming.

WILLY
You didn’t give me a choice.

SCOUT LEADER
Sure.

WILLY
I had to do it.
 83.

SCOUT LEADER
I know.

WILLY
I’m the apex predator.

SCOUT LEADER
Yeah, yeah... Honestly... I’m impressed... I’ll tell you what... You just earned yourself the
Alpha Male badge... I’ll even give you... my own...

Scout Leader removes a badge from his sash. He drops it.

SCOUT LEADER
It isn’t worth much... It’s more of an accessory.

WILLY
I’m sorry.

SCOUT LEADER
Take my advice... For an Eagle Scout... it’s the little things... it’s the mornings... learn to
love... a lovely morning.

Scout Leader dies.

Willy sits by his corpse. Wolves’ shadows pass on the

side of the tent. Willy stares at them. He stabs Scout
Leader’s corpse. He smears blood all over himself. He lies
right next to the entrance of the tent.

A gunshot. Willy jolts up. Several more gunshots. With

every shot, the wolves whimper, until they either die or
flee. Willy back up into the center of the tent.

A man in a wolf outfit enters the tent. He is on all fours.

He growls at Willy. He stands up and removes the wolf
head.

BARNEY
Gotcha!

WILLY
Who are you?

BARNEY
I’m Barney!
 84.

Barney removes the rest of the wolf suit. He is wearing a

clean-pressed suit and tie.

BARNEY
It’s a goddamned oven in that thing.

Willy is silent.

BARNEY
Right. I’m the vice president of the scouts organization. I supervise all Scout Leaders,
making sure no funny business happens.

Silence.

BARNEY
I gotta say. We’ve had some strong recruits, but hardly any of them actually kill their scout
leaders.

Silence.

BARNEY
You got gumption, kid. I like that. You remind me of myself.

WILLY
Why are you here?

BARNEY
I’ve always been here. These wolves are so stupid. Dress like one and they can’t even tell
the difference.

WILLY
The Scout Leader gave me no choice. He was gonna kill me. It was self-defense.

BARNEY
Yeah, I figured. Wink wink.

WILLY
Really! I swear to God!

BARNEY
Don’t sweat it, kid. The sheriff is my fishing buddy. We’ll figure this whole mess out.

WILLY
Then... What do you want?
 85.

BARNEY
I wanted to meet the most promising recruit I’ve seen in decades. Not anybody could do
what you’ve done here. You got balls.

WILLY
Okay.

BARNEY
You wanna hear something crazy? I think you’re too good to be an Eagle Scout. I got a
good feeling about you. You’re a real star!

WILLY
Okay.

BARNEY
I want to fast track you to Scout Leader recruitment retreat.

WILLY
Why?

BARNEY
Why? Because I love a black horse. And you’re fuckin’ midnight, kid. But you play dirty.
You’re a hell of a spectacle. I’m looking for men like you.

WILLY
Thank you.

BARNEY
Listen, I know you’re coming off a bad weekend here, but Scout Leader recruitment is next
week. You pass, you can be everything you always wanted and more. You up for it? You
can wait a year if you like.

WILLY
That won’t be necessary, sir. I’m ready whenever you need me.
 86.

END OF PLAY