Copyright © 2017 Rania Naim. All rights reserved.

Art direction and design by KJ Parish. Title illustrations by GloriAnne Rose

Dairo. Cover photography by God & Man. Published by Thought Catalog
Books, a publishing house owned by The Thought & Expression Com-
pany. It was printed in the United States and published in an edition
of 1,000 copies.

ISBN 978-1-945796-62-3

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 TO

…the people we loved

and the people who couldn’t love us.

…the ones who broke our hearts

and the ones that got away.

…the ones who loved us

and the ones who healed us.

…the ones who made us ask important questions

and the ones who gave us the answers.

…all the people who once came into our lives

and left an impact, left a mark or left a scar.

This book is for you.

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5
LETTER ONE

D E AR E X- BOY FR I E N DS

Thank you for loving me.

And thank you for leaving me.

Thank you for giving me a taste of everything delicious

and a taste of everything sour.

Thank you for introducing me to euphoria and introduc-

ing me to pain.

Thank you for being there to hold my hand and thank

you for letting me go.
Thank you for being everything and then nothing.

Because of you, I learned to believe in love. I learned that

some parts of me are worth loving. I learned that I have
qualities that others can appreciate and admire.

Because of you, I learned how to love, how to give and

how to compromise. I learned how to make someone a
priority, how to share the best and worst parts of myself
with someone else and how to be a better person so I can
be a better partner. I also learned how to love myself, how
to stop myself from crying because of you and how to live
without you.

You softened my heart but you hardened my core.

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It’s like you were all an extension of each other. You didn’t
fall when I fell. You stayed on the shore while I swam
deeper into the ocean.

You all loved me at one point but not enough to stay. Not
enough for forever. You all left and came back but you
never changed, you were never genuinely sorry. And then
it hit me.

I wasn’t meant to be with any of you. All you had was poten-
tial. All I had was false hope.

You were examples of what to avoid.

You were examples of everything I should stay away from.

Thank you for showing me what I truly deserve.

Thank you for the memories and thank you for the lessons.

You prepared me well for heartbreaks. You taught me how

to move on when people leave.

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LETTER TWO

I O F TE N WO N D E R WHAT WO U LD ’ VE HAPPE N E D
HAD WE STAY E D FR I E N DS

I have a habit of saying too much, only to regret it later.

I have a habit of being all in or all out.

I don’t know how to stay friends with someone I have feel-

ings for. Someone I wanted more from.

But with you, I often wonder if staying your friend would

have been better for us. I often wonder if our story would
have been different if we removed the weight of feelings,
labels and commitment.

Would you have fallen in love with me eventually? Or

would I have stayed just a friend?

Because as a friend, I’m less emotional and more logical,

so maybe I wouldn’t have been so jealous when I saw you
with her.

As a friend, I’m brave. I’ll text first, double text, call when-
ever I feel like it and make plans with you.

As a friend, I’m calmer, I’m wiser, I don’t care about being

the one who cares more or the one who’s doing more.

As a friend, I have fewer expectations. I don’t get attached

too easily.

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As a friend, I don’t jump in with both feet. I’m more
guarded. I take my time and I take things slow.

And maybe this is everything you needed, maybe this is

all you were looking for but I acted too fast and pushed
you away.

I often regret not being your friend first.

But I also know that when someone likes you, they won’t
tolerate being your friend, they won’t give you a chance
to date other people. They’ll always show you how much
they care about and they won’t be afraid.

And that’s when I realized that maybe you’re afraid and

I’m more daring.

I’m a little bit more fearless when it comes to love. A little bit
more fearless when it comes to you.

And that explains why you choose friendship and I choose

love.

That explains why you prefer distance and I prefer intimacy.

That explains why you keep me at arm’s length and I pre-

fer holding your hand.

That explains why I don’t want to be your friend and why

you don’t want to be my lover.

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LETTER THREE

TO M Y FAVO R ITE ‘ALM OST’

They think you’re mine and I’m yours.

They think there’s a love story going on behind closed doors.

They think it’s only a matter of time before someone tells

them the truth they’ve been waiting to hear.

We roll our eyes when they joke about us being an item;

we laugh at how ridiculous they’re being. But deep inside,
I’m crying. I’m crying because what you’re taking as a joke
is what I wish could be real.

We look at them like they’re a bunch of fools but maybe I’m

the real fool. A fool for you.

And in that moment, I realized that you’ll always be an

‘almost.’ You’ll always be something in between. You’ll al-
ways be somewhere in the middle. You’ll always be some-
one I can touch but can’t hold. You’ll always be so close
yet so far.

So I laugh with you at their jokes and pretend like it

doesn’t bother me but what I’m really laughing at is my-
self, because I’m the joke. I’m the one who thinks an al-
most can turn into forever. I’m the one who believes that
eventually people get tired of almosts and they look for
something more definite. But I know better. I know that
some people stay an almost forever. I know that almost is
another word for nothing.
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But out of all my almosts, you’re the one who meant
the most. You’re the one who almost made me believe in
almosts. You’re the one who almost broke my heart.

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LETTER FOUR

WHAT I F WE WE R E N ’ T SU PP OS E D
TO LE T E ACH OTH E R GO?

What if this was a mistake?

What if this wasn’t supposed to end?

What if it was just a bump in the road, not a car crash?

What if it was just a phase and we confused it with forever?

Maybe this is why we can’t find anyone else. Maybe this is

why we can’t make it work with anyone else. Maybe this is
why we keep running into each other so randomly. Maybe
this is why we still can’t forget each other.
What if we took the easy way out? What if we should have
tried harder?

Because letting go shouldn’t feel like a burden, it

shouldn’t be something you regret, it shouldn’t be some-
thing that holds you back.

Letting go shouldn’t feel so wrong.

Letting go shouldn’t be an act against your instincts and it

shouldn’t be an act against your heart.

It shouldn’t be an act at all.

What if we got used to bad acting but that’s not the role

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we were assigned to play?

What if we were supposed to learn how to love each other

instead of leaving each other?

What if we were supposed to learn how to be patient in-

stead of quitting?

What if we were supposed to grow old together instead

of growing apart?

What if you were supposed to be the one and I turned you into
the one that got away?

Tell me, do you ask yourself the same questions, too?

Tell me, do you sometimes feel like all we needed was a

little wind but we turned it into a hurricane instead?

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LETTER FIVE

WH Y LOVI N G YO U WA S DI FFE R E NT
FRO M LOVI N G AN YO N E E L S E

I’ll always love you more than anyone else because you
taught me what love is.

Loving you wasn’t just a few dates and sweet messages.

Loving you was understanding what it’s like to live with
another human being. It was knowing which side of the
bed you like to sleep on. It was learning how you like your
eggs every morning. It was learning if you prefer tea or
coffee. It was listening to your childhood stories and look-
ing through your old family albums and knowing what it’s
like to be woven into someone’s life.

Loving you was learning how to be kind, how to be soft,

how to be thoughtful and how to be understanding. Lov-
ing you was letting go of my selfishness, letting go of my
mood swings, my pride and my fears.

Loving you was learning how to respect our differences,

how to find beauty in your imperfections, how to still be
there for you and be your strength even when my world
is falling apart.
Loving you was discovering what love does to a woman.
Love fuels her sensuality and makes her burst with pas-
sion, affection, softness, tenderness, kindness and an infi-
nite ability to give and keep on giving.

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Loving you was learning that I could be loved too, with
my flaws and imperfections, with my insecurities and my
baggage. Loving you was learning how to unload this bag-
gage so I could be light again. Loving you was learning
which parts of me I need to work on and which parts
of me should stay the same. It was recognizing that love
makes me invincible. It makes me a poet. It makes me a
force to be reckoned with.

Loving you was learning how to believe in love. It was

learning how to trust again. It was learning that love
doesn’t always hurt. It doesn’t always walk away. It doesn’t
always destroy us.

Loving you was learning that love is a personal choice and

I’ll always choose love. And if I had to do it all over, I would
still choose you.

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LETTER SIX

TO TH E O N E WH O LE F T TOO SOO N

Do you regret it?

Does it hurt when you see my pictures?

Does it hurt when you read my words?

Do you wonder if my poems are about you?

Do you sometimes write a long message to apologize,

then delete it?

Was it me? Was it you? Was it timing?

Was I too hard to love? Were you too scared of loving again?

It’s hard for me to believe that you’re a bad person because

you were so kind to me. It’s hard for me to believe that it
was all fake because it felt genuine. It’s hard for me to be-
lieve that you had that connection with everyone because
I didn’t feel like you were pretending. I didn’t feel like you
were acting.

Was it so hard to ask me on a few more dates? Was it so

hard to ask me a few more personal questions? Was it so
hard to text me back to keep the conversation going? Was
it so hard to like me?

Why am I always the one who’s ready? The one who’s

17
willing to stay, the one who’s willing to try against all odds
and the only one who’s willing to fight?

Why am I always the one dreaming and you’re the one

waking me up?

Why does it begin with smiles and end with tears? Why
does it always have to be you against me? Why can’t it be
us against the world?

I hope one day you tell me why you left too soon. I hope
one day you tell me the real reason. I hope one day you
tell me the truth.

Sometimes I wonder about you. What you’re doing, who

you’re with, why you picked her and if you ever think
about me.

Sometimes I wonder if you will ever reach out, just to say

you miss me, say sorry or just to hear my voice.

And sometimes I wish you had stayed.

I hope you learn how to stay. I hope you stop leaving.

I hope you learn that staying is the only way to open your
heart and stop running. I hope you learn that some people—
like me—would’ve done anything for you to stay.

I hope you learn that there’s so much more value in stay-

ing than leaving.

I hope you learn that staying doesn’t always hurt.

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LETTER SEVEN

TO TH E O N E I C AN ’ T STO P M ISS I N G

I miss you.

Sometimes I feel like these three words are enough. They

sum up the past five years of my life. They sum up my
story with you, but if you’re looking for more details, then
let me tell you exactly when I miss you.

I miss you when I’m alone. I miss your warmth that melt-
ed the ice inside my heart. I miss your vibrant energy that
could fill even my darkest nights with color. I miss your
aura and how it used to fill my lonely nights with life. I
miss how I stopped being afraid of the dark when you
were beside me.

I miss you when I’m with people. When I look at them

and remember you. When I talk to them and hear your
voice. When I make them smile and suddenly picture you.

I just miss you.

Missing you has become my habit. My routine. Because

missing you is better than forgetting you.

Missing you is what reminds me that I can still feel—that

I can still love.

And if you think my silence means that I forgot about

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you, you’re wrong. My silence means I miss you but there’s
nothing I can do about it. I can’t change your mind.

My silence means I still want you but I need to know that you
want me, too.

My silence is really a tapestry of all my thoughts, the un-

spoken words and the repressed feelings that are all ready
to reveal themselves the moment you say something.

So talk to me because I have so much to tell you but for

now, I miss you is enough.

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LETTER EIGHT

TO TH E O N E WH O TAU G HT M E
H OW TO FO RG IVE

I was furious. I was hurt. I was broken.

I wanted to hurt you the way you hurt me. You brought
out my vindictive side and all I wanted was revenge.

I started planning and scheming. I used all my tactics to

get even with you. I started thinking about the day I see
you drowning in tears and regret. I couldn’t wait for the
moment I can look at you and say, ‘I win.’ I wanted to
win. I didn’t want to be a loser. I didn’t want to lose to you.

Then my mom got sick and I had to drop all my schemes

and stay by her side. Being at the hospital every day re-
minded me that life is so fleeting, it can end in a second,
we can end in a second, we’re all too fragile to be acting like
we’re better or bigger than others. This life is so transient
and it’s exhausting to try to win everything.

I don’t want to win every argument. I don’t want to break

the person who broke me. I don’t want to keep seeking
revenge so I can satiate my ego. I don’t want to lose myself
just so I could look like a winner. I don’t want my pride
to dictate my life.

I’d rather lose. I’d rather let go. I’d rather forgive. I’d rather
set myself free.

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Because being a ‘winner’ won’t really matter in a moment
of weakness, a moment of illness or a moment of defeat
when all you need is someone by your side, when you
need every prayer you can get, when all you need is love.

I don’t want to be alone in a hospital bed. I don’t want to be

remembered as a vindictive winner or a vengeful loser.

I want to be remembered as a kind soul, a bountiful heart,

a delightful spirit. I want to be remembered as the one
who loved life too much to hold grudges or spent her best
days trying to get even with people.

I want to be remembered as the girl who forgave people

and the girl people always forgave.

Because maybe the whole point of anger is to teach us

how to be even more compassionate and more tolerant.

Maybe the whole point of life is to teach us that winning or

losing won’t really matter when it’s our time to go; what will
really make the difference is how much you loved and how
much people loved you and how they’ll remember you.

And I want to be remembered as the girl who loved too

much, even the ones who didn’t deserve it. I want to be
remembered as the girl who cared more, even about the
ones who never gave a damn, the girl who was generous
with her heart, even to those who were stingy with theirs.

So I forgave you. As for the pieces of my heart that you

have, you can keep them. I don’t want them back.

I still have a lot more pieces to give. I still have a lot more
love to spread.

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LETTER NINE

SO M E TI M E S I WO N D E R I F MAY B E I
HAD N ’ T DO N E E N O U G H TO K E E P YO U

Sometimes I wonder if maybe I didn’t say all the words I

should have said. The ones that would have explained to
you how I truly felt, how much I needed you and what
you really meant to me. Sometimes I wonder if I should
have filled my moments of silence with more candid and
softer words.

Sometimes I wonder if things got harder because I didn’t

make them any easier. I was scared of getting hurt so I
played it safe. I feared opening up and telling you every-
thing so I held back. I was afraid if you knew my weak-
nesses and insecurities, you’d hold them against me so I
pretended to be someone I’m not to impress you.

Sometimes I wonder if I spent the whole time trying to make

you trust me that I forgot to trust you back. Sometimes I won-
der if I was asking for what I couldn’t provide.

Maybe I really didn’t do my part as much as I thought I

did. Maybe I didn’t give my all, maybe I preach about lov-
ing too hard but when it came to loving you, I fell short. I
backed off. I was afraid of how hard the fall may be. I was
afraid I wouldn’t be able to get up.

Sometimes I wonder if I’m not as fearless as I claim to

be because nothing terrifies me more than heartbreak,

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nothing scares me more than someone loving me one day
and deciding they don’t want me the next. Nothing ter-
rifies me more than being so close to someone and then
watching them become a stranger again.

Sometimes I wonder if I believe in love as much as I say

I do or am I secretly a skeptic. Sometimes I think love is
waiting for me to wholeheartedly believe in it before it
finds me.

Sometimes I wonder if I wasted all my love on you and if it

was ever enough.

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LETTER TEN

IT H U RTS WH E N PEO PLE TE LL M E IT’ S A

B LE SS I N G THAT YO U ’ R E N OT TH E O N E

It hurts.

To know that the one my heart chose is the one I needed

to stay away from.

It hurts when people tell me that I’m better off without

you or I dodged a bullet or someone out there is much
better for me.

It hurts that God sent you as a lesson; it hurts that you were
just a test. It hurts that you’re not the final answer.

Sometimes I wonder how I confused you for a blessing if

you were a curse.

Sometimes I wonder how a curse can be so pretty, so enig-

matic and so angelic.

How did I see you as an angel if you’re the Devil?

It hurts when people tell me I deserve better and when

they call you a mistake.

It hurts that you were not meant for me and it hurts that
we’re not meant to be.

I wish there was a way to turn around our fate.

25
I wish there was a way to make you a blessing that stays,
to make you a solution instead of a problem.

I wish God never picked you as an example of who I

should avoid. I wish he picked someone else.

I wish I still had a chance with you.

I wish I didn’t know any better.

It sucks that when I count my blessings, I can’t count you.

It sucks that when I talk about love, I can’t mention you.

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LETTER ELEVEN

I F O N LY YO U CO U LD LOVE M E TH E WAY I AM

If only you could love me with my messy mind and my

shambolic thoughts.

If only you could love me with my restless heart and my

somber words.

If only you could love me with my brutal honesty and

my twisted lies.

If only you could love me with my contradictions. The

way I love and hate myself simultaneously. The way I get
closer but push you away at the same time. The way I can
be so weak yet so strong. The way I fall in love with you
while I try to guard my heart.

If only you could love me with my baggage, the bruises

from my past, the many lives I’ve lived before you, the
little child within me that doesn’t want to grow up and the
confused little girl that’s still looking for answers.

If only you could love me the way I am without making

me feel like a burden or a heavy weight or a liability.

If only you could love me the way I love you.

27
L E T T E R T W E LV E

I STI LL TH I N K ABO UT US
G E T TI N G BACK TOG E TH E R

I’ve been secretly thinking about you. I’ve been secretly

waiting for you. I’ve been secretly hoping that one day
I’ll open the door and you’ll be waiting for me outside
because you want me again. I’ve been secretly wishing for
the day I get your call and we can talk for hours about
everything that happened so we can start over.

I’ve been desperately waiting for us to start over.

I always believed in comebacks. I always believed in sec-

ond chances. I always believed in a universe fighting for
two people to end up together. Fighting for two people to
grow apart so they can realize how badly they need each
other.

I always believed in me and you.

But sometimes years pass by and you never show up. I

switch phones and I still don’t hear from you. I move
across the country and I never find you.

Sometimes I wonder what’s harder: you not coming back

or me waiting for something that will never happen.

Sometimes I wonder what’s taking you so long and why

you’re still not here.

29
And sometimes I just give up. I try to embrace someone
new and think of new beginnings. I try to let you go
and focus on someone else but it never works. It never
feels right.

And up till now, nothing feels as right as you coming back

to me.

Up till now, I can’t really love anyone else when part of me

is still waiting for you.

Up till now, I’m holding on because I can’t figure out how

to let go.

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L E T T E R T H I RT E E N

I N C A S E I N E VE R S E E YO U AGAI N

I know we didn’t say goodbye but I know this is the end.

I’ve seen this movie before. I know when it’s time to roll
the credits.

I know it all too well.

So, in case you never come back, I want to you know that
I truly cared.

I want you to know that the first time I met you, I didn’t
want to leave; I wanted to talk to you all night.
I want you to know that I liked your smile, I liked your
eyes, I liked your depth and all I wanted was to hear your
story. I wanted to know your soul.

I want you to know that the second time I met you, I

knew I wanted to see you again, I wanted to be around
you more, I wanted to hold your hand.

I felt safe with you.

You made me happy.

You took me out of my darkness.

I saw someone special. I saw someone delicate.

31
I thought we made sense. I didn’t anticipate any plot twists.

But that was my movie and I wanted a happy ending.

But I guess your movie wins, your ending is climactic,

your ending is more realistic.

And that’s the thing about movies; they don’t always end up
the way you want them to.

And that’s the thing about endings; they can sometimes

be sad.
They sometimes end in tears.

They end and they don’t always have a sequel.

32
L E T T E R F O U RT E E N

A LE T TE R TO TH E O N E S I HAD TO LE T GO

Let me tell you how I did it. Let me tell you how I got
your ghosts out of my system.

I stopped thinking about you late at night when I was

alone wishing you were there so I could talk to you. I
started talking to my best friends. I started reading. I start-
ed writing. Because I realized they’ve all been there for me
in all the ways you weren’t and they’re still here with me
but you’re gone.

I stopped staring at my phone when something good hap-

pens hoping you would say something and I stopped star-
ing at it when something bad happens tempted to call you
and tell you about it because you never wanted to cele-
brate with me and you never wanted to give me a shoulder
to cry on when my tears wouldn’t stop falling.

I remembered that I couldn’t count on you to make me smile

when you’re the ones who made me cry.

I stopped comparing anyone I met to you. I stopped be-

lieving in the same spark that burned me—the flames that
turned to ashes.

I’m done living in this illusion I’ve created with you and
I’m ready to face my new reality without you.

33
And finally, I stopped thinking that you’ll come back one
day. I stopped wanting you to fight for me because the
truth is, I don’t want a fight—love shouldn’t be about
fighting and it shouldn’t be a war. It shouldn’t be a bat-
tle of who cares more and who’s going to fall harder. It
shouldn’t be about winning and losing.

And if it is, then I don’t want it. Maybe I’m just a dreamer
but I believe that love should be easy, it should be simple
and clear. It shouldn’t be all questions and games and it
shouldn’t leave you wondering or waiting.

And maybe I’m just a dreamer but I believe that love

should be magic and it should leave you in awe.

34
LETTER FIFTEEN

TO LOVE ,

I still don’t know your address. I still don’t know where

your home is. I still don’t know which country you reside
in but I know you’re near. I know you’re close. I know you
still have a place for me.

I know eventually, I’ll belong to you. I know we are meant

for each other but until then please take it easy on my
heart. Don’t break my heart anymore, don’t lead me to
the hearts of all the wrong people or the hearts that don’t
beat for me.

Just be soft, be gentle and be honest.

Don’t lie to me anymore, don’t leave me alone, don’t lead

me on, don’t be a replica of the real deal. Don’t get me
excited about everything that’s not you. Don’t let me see
you as a dream when you’re a nightmare.

Don’t run way when I search for you.

I’m tired of walking behind you; I want to walk beside

you. I’m tired of sleeping alone; I want to sleep knowing
you’ll be there in the morning.

Please don’t leave me in the dark anymore, please don’t

take the light away.

We both know that I’ve been looking for you all my life

35
and we both know that the day I’ll find you, I’ll cherish
you forever.

So find me—find me, for you have a home in me. The

home that you’ve been looking for, the home that can
raise you right and nurture you and the home that will
make you forget about all the homes that kicked you out.
All the homes that didn’t want you.

I’m the home that will not make you question what the
hell is wrong with love or the world—I’m your shelter
from the rain.

You and I are meant to be.

You and I will heal each other because if I’m the remedy
then you’re the cure.

36
37
LETTER SIXTEEN

TO TH E O N E WH O MAD E M E H O PE FO R M O R E

I remember how it all started. Late-night calls and fancy

dinners. Long conversations under the stars, baring our
souls to one another like we were one with the universe. It
all felt so heavenly. So euphoric.

It felt like a dream. And maybe it was because shortly after,

you woke up. You woke up and you stopped being there.
Your texts got shorter and your calls were dry. I could feel
your distance, I could feel my heart breaking every time
I heard your voice and it wasn’t the same. You’re not the
same. We are not the same.

I knew it was the beginning of the end but I was trying so

hard to change that ending. I was trying so hard to make it
a happy one.

But you like sad endings and sad movies. You like tears
and goodbyes. You like things that you can control, things
that you can replace and darling, I wasn’t one of them.

I was forever in your world of temporaries. I was a priority in

your world of options and you just didn’t know what to do.

You made me hope for so much more. You made me see

a future with you. You made see stars in the middle of the
dark, but eventually you dimmed the light you brought
into my life.

39
I just want to let you know that even though you made
me hope for so much more, you also made me settle for so
much less. Even though you said you loved me, I realized
that you don’t know what love is.

Because love doesn’t know how to give in doses, love gives

unconditionally. Love doesn’t take things back, love gives
freely. Love doesn’t just make people hope for more, love
gives them what they’re hoping for and more.

In learning to love you, I learned more about what love is

and what love is not.

And in making me hope for more, you made me hope for

much more than what you were willing to give me.

You made me hope for much more than you.

40
LETTER SEVENTEEN

I WANTE D IT TO B E M E

I wanted to be the one you’re holding in front of everyone.

I wanted to be the one you’re kissing when your friends

are around.

I wanted to be the one you look for in a crowded room.

I wanted to be the girl who walks with a smile on her face

because her man is in love with her.

Instead, I was the girl who had to see it all backfire, the
girl who had to watch you choose someone else.
I was the girl who had to leave wondering why she’s never
the one.

I was the girl who went home and covered her sheets
in tears.

I was the girl who fell for someone who didn’t catch her.

It kills me. When I remember how quickly you forgot me.

It kills me. When I remember how you said you weren’t

ready for me but you made yourself ready for her.

I wanted it to be me. The girl who made you ready. The

girl you couldn’t afford to lose.

41
LETTER EIGHTEEN

TO TH E O N E WH O TAU G HT M E THAT SU M M E R
S KI E S C AN TU R N CLO U DY

It was a beautiful summer.

You, me and the ocean.

Kissing. Storytelling by the beach. Dancing under the

moonlight.

It was a bright summer.

Full of laughter. Full of sunny promises and happy songs.

It was a dream.

You and I were wild. We weren’t that young but we sure

acted like it.

We didn’t see anyone else. We didn’t even meet anyone

else. It was just us. It was paradise.

But summer ended quickly.

When things stopped being easy and started getting real.

When I looked at you and you saw that I was falling in love.

When I stopped swimming and started drowning.

When the waves were too high and I couldn’t surf anymore.

43
Suddenly, the skies turned gray, the sunlight went away
and the weather got colder.

Suddenly, it felt like winter.

Then you left.

And ever since then, I can’t enjoy summer anymore.

Because it always reminds me of you. It reminds me that

just because it’s sunny doesn’t mean it won’t rain.

Just because it’s summer doesn’t mean you shouldn’t pre-

pare yourself for an unexpected storm.

You taught me how to always be prepared for storms. You

made me expect rain during sunny days.

You taught me that summer can be heaven but it can also

turn into hell if the heat is too much.

And it can burn you.

44
LETTER NINETEEN

ALL I WANTE D TO DO WA S LOVE YO U

B UT I P US H E D YO U AWAY I N STE AD

I’m sorry I responded to all your texts on time. I answered

all your calls and I said yes to all your dates.

I’m sorry I opened up to you, I let myself be vulnerable,

I trusted you even though I didn’t know you well enough
but I was comforted by your presence and the compassion
in your eyes.

I’m sorry I wasn’t guarded with you like I am with every-

one else. I’m sorry that there was something about you
that made me want to forget about everything that hap-
pened in the past and all the men who broke my heart and
to instead focus on you.

I’m sorry I lived in the moment a little too much—it’s like

I had a feeling it might not last.

I’m sorry I wanted you to have no doubts about how I feel

or question my intentions for you. I’m sorry I thought
you were tired of women breaking your heart and playing
you. I’m sorry I wanted to reassure you that I’m not like
them and you don’t have to question anything with me. I’m
sorry I wanted to make you feel like you’re the only one.

I’m sorry I chose you. I’m sorry I didn’t keep exploring

my options or playing games with you. I’m sorry I didn’t

45
play hard to get or act like I’m not interested. I’m sorry I
decided to lead with my heart and be honest and genuine
with you. I’m sorry I wanted to love you like you’ve never
been loved.

But I’m also sorry that you wanted to stay on the shore
and you couldn’t swim any deeper. I’m sorry you wanted a
storm when I wanted a lighthouse. I’m sorry you wanted
to stay broken and I wanted to heal.

I know I keep saying sorry for things I shouldn’t be apolo-

gizing for, for feelings that were real, for the way I loved
you but I am not sorry because I was wrong; I’m sorry
because I was so right and you couldn’t see it.

I feel sorry for you because you gave up forever for something
temporary.

46
LETTER TWENTY

TO TH E O N E WH O WA S N ’ T R E ADY

Did you know that I wasn’t either?

Because I was a mess and you had your life together.

You had a great job and I was still figuring out what I
wanted to do with my life.

You had a stable income and I was barely making ends

meet.

You had a loving family and I came from a broken home.

Your life seemed to flow perfectly leaving no room for

you to question yourself whereas my life kept falling apart
leaving me to question everything I’ve ever known.

It didn’t make sense to me that you weren’t ready. I should

be the one all over the place. I should be the one scared of
ruining whatever we had.

But I wasn’t. I wasn’t sure of anything else, but I was sure

about you.
At a time when all my decisions were wrong, I felt that
you were right.

And even though you said you weren’t ready, I knew

you were.

47
Because we’re always ready for the right ones. We make
ourselves ready when we can’t stop ourselves from falling.

And that’s when you taught me that it’s not about being ready,
it’s about giving someone a chance.

It’s not about commitment issues, it’s about appreciating

the person enough that you don’t want to lose them.

It’s not about timing, it’s about how much time you really
want to spend with that person.

It’s not about logistics, it’s about emotions.

It’s about your heart and who it moves for.

And maybe I didn’t move yours the way you moved mine.
But don’t tell me you weren’t ready; just tell me I wasn’t
the one.

Because now I know that I’ll never be ready but I’ll always
jump in with both feet when someone moves my heart.
I’ll always find more reasons to stay and fewer excuses to
walk away.

Because walking away is easy but trying is brave.

It’s brave to say you’re ready even when you’re not.

48
LETTER TWENTY-ONE

TO TH E O N E WH O WANTS TO
K E E P M E AS A ‘ MAY B E ’

We’ve been through it all.

We’ve been through the confusing phase, the are we, or

aren’t we? The texting games, the playing hard to get, the
meaningless things we did to make each other jealous
until we both caved in. Until we both confessed, until one
night, we said it all.

You said it’s been me all along and I said it’s always been you.

You said you loved me and I said I loved you, too.

Then you had to leave and I had to let you go, not know-
ing if you’ll ever come back, not knowing if I’ll ever love
anyone the way I loved you and not knowing if there is
anything worse than this feeling, the feeling that every-
thing you ever wanted is no longer yours. The death you
experience when you’re alive.

The heart that no longer feels anything at all because it wast-

ed everything on you.

But you came back, because something like this doesn’t

just end, it lives on, it comes back, it’s what fairy tales are
made of, it’s what we secretly live and hope for and it’s
what we dream about.

49
Until it was time to let you go again. This time it didn’t
hurt as much or maybe I just got used to that kind of
pain. The pain of loving someone who will never be mine,
the pain of giving someone a chance knowing that they will
blow every chance I’ll ever give them.

But I decided that if you want my door to always be open

for you then I’ll have the key. You’ll only come in if I
decide to let you back in; you can’t show up uninvited
anymore, you can’t just open my door again without my
permission. It’s not your call anymore.

But if you decide to come back in, promise that you’ll

never leave. Promise that this is the last time you’ll use
distance or time or work as an excuse. Promise that you’re
ready to do this and do it forever.

Because there can’t be any more ‘maybes’ between us; we’ve

wasted them all.

Because this time, my heart is tired and it just needs to rest.

This time, if you’re not all in then you’re all out.

This time, it’s all or nothing.

This time it must be definite because I can’t handle another

‘maybe.’

50
LETTER TWENTY-TWO

TH E LE T TE R I WANTE D TO S E N D YO U
AF TE R I SAW YO U WITH H E R

I saw her and I finally understood why it never worked

out between us.

She’s the type of girl who manipulates everyone around

her to get them to like her. She’s the type of girl who puts
on a show people want to watch. She’s the type of girl who
says all the right things and asks all the right questions
so she can make everyone feel that she truly understands
them. That she feels their pain.

She’s the type of girl who gets what she wants only because
she is pretending to be someone else, someone she knows
you’ll like and respect, someone she knows you’ll want to
be with but what’s going to happen when she takes that
mask off?

Will you still be enjoying her show? Her entertainment?

Her exceptional acting skills? Or will you long for some-
one who is real? Someone who makes it easier for you to
know what they’re thinking, someone who makes it easier
for you to trust them and someone who makes it easier for
you to differentiate between reality and fiction.

I guess you didn’t like my honesty and you wanted to live a lie.

You still want to be challenged even if it means getting

51
hurt, you still want to wow everyone you know by who
you’re dating even if you don’t get to wow yourself. You
still want to be the fixer for someone who is going to break
you and you still want the ones who will never truly love
you the way you want to be loved.

Seeing her made me realize that I didn’t even know you

because if this is who you fell in love with, then there was
no way you’d fall in love with me.

I guess I blame myself for thinking that people always

want what resembles them, someone as kind as they are
and someone as loving as they are, but I also realized
that some people want exactly what they’re not. They
want someone who will make them doubt themselves or
change who they are and some people only want people
who will make their lives harder because they’re addicted
to the pain.

All it took was seeing her to understand why you never fell
for me.
All it took was seeing her to wholeheartedly believe that
I’m not the girl for you and you’re not the guy for me.

52
LETTER TWENTY-THREE

I N E VE R K N OW WHAT TO SAY WH E N
PEO PLE AS K M E ABO UT YO U

I never know if I should call you a stranger. But how could

you be a stranger when I know too much about you? How
could you be a stranger when I told you my deepest fears
and feelings? How could you be a stranger when I still
see you and recognize every little thing about you? I still
remember all the details. All the memories.

I never know if I should call you a friend. Because we’re not

really friends. We don’t call each other and chat about our
lives, we don’t talk to each other about who we’re dating, we
don’t meet up for coffee and talk about work and life. We
don’t talk at all. We just act cordial when we see each other
but we don’t know anything about each other and maybe
we don’t want to know because knowing too much could
potentially hurt us. I can never call you a friend because to
me, you were much more than that.

I never know if I should call you an ex. Because technically

we were never in a relationship, at least one that people
knew about, we don’t have a lot of pictures together, we
didn’t have romantic getaways or confess our love to each
other, but we had something real. We had something that
could have been love but it didn’t go very far. We stopped.
We paused. We took ten steps back. And even though you
weren’t an ex, heartbreak songs still remind me of you.

53
Even though you weren’t an ex, I still miss you from time
to time.

I never know if I should you call an almost. Because that’s

what you were, an almost lover. We almost made it but
then I refer to almost as something of the past, something
that is no longer in my life, something to forget because it
didn’t mean anything to me. But you weren’t an almost to
me, you meant something. I was sure about you. You weren’t
someone I wanted to forget and you weren’t someone I
wanted to let go.

So when people ask me about you, I never know what

to say. I don’t know how to describe you or describe us. I
don’t always find the right words to tell them how I truly
feel. So I just say that we don’t really talk anymore and I’m
over it but the truth is it all still haunts me, it all still hurts
and I still remember it like it was yesterday.

Time hasn’t changed a thing.

54
LETTER TWENTY-FOUR

TO THE ONE WHO DIDN ’T WANT TO DATE ME

B EC AUS E H E DI D N ’ T WANT M E TO WR ITE
ABO UT H I M

I wish you had the courage to forget what I do for a living

and focus on who I am. I wish you had spent your time
getting to know me instead of wondering what parts of
our conversation will make it into my next book.

You were trying so hard to avoid being another story and

here you are ending up in one of my books, but instead of
writing a beautiful story, I’m writing a sad one.

I’m writing a story about fear and how it stops us from tak-
ing a chance on something that could have been astounding.

I’m writing a story about the mind and how it tricks us into
believing that sometimes the world revolves around us.

I’m writing a story about the irony of life, how you said
you admired people with passion and purpose yet you re-
fused to be with someone who embodied all of that.

I’m writing a story about the ego and how it gives us a

false sense of importance, a false sense of pride that could
prevent us from taking a phenomenal leap of faith.

I’m writing a story about a man who was attracted to a

woman and her story but decided he didn’t want to be in it.

55
I know I told you I wouldn’t write about you. I know I told
you I write about those who break my heart or those I’m
madly in love with.

But I’m writing about you just because you didn’t want
me to write about you.

To serve as a reminder that what you resist persists, that

once you touch a writer’s heart, you’ll always be there and
they’ll always find a place for you in their story.

But instead of having the leading role, you settled for just
a random character in my story, an extra, a cameo.

Instead of being a whole chapter, you settled for a page.

And that’s the saddest part of our story; I was interviewing

you for a role you were so unqualified for.

56
LETTER TWENTY-FIVE

TO TH E O N E WH O B RO K E M Y H E ART
B E FO R E AN Y BOY E VE R DI D

To the one who yelled at me for being a foolish kid instead

of hugging me and teaching me how to get things right.

To the one who would always tell me to shut up because

he thought my opinions were dumb.

To the one who thought he was always right and blamed

me for anything that went wrong.

To the one who only loved me when I was quiet and hated
me when I was loud.

To the one who didn’t know how to keep a home warm

and safe. To the one who made home a place to fear, a
place to avoid and a place to run away from.

To the one who turned my childish dreams into nightmares.

To the one who failed to be an inspiration, a role model or

a pillar.

To the one who made me pack my bags and leave. To the

one who abandoned me and left me alone with his ghost
and his voice in my head.

You’re the reason I push men away. You’re the reason I

fear love. You’re the reason I always ask for more because

57
you gave me nothing. You’re the reason I can’t trust a
man. You’re the reason I don’t know what a home is.

You’re the reason I keep messing up because you never

guided me. You’re the reason I know pain so well.

Because of you, I don’t know what love is. Because of you,

I pick the ones who leave. Because of you, I pick the ones
who bring out the worst in me.

But that’s over now. Now I figured out how to get rid of you.

Because of you, I found a way to bring out the best in myself.

I turned you into art. I told the world about you.

You went from being my best-kept secret to something I

need to throw away, something I need to get out of my
system, something I need to get off my chest—like poi-
son, I needed to detox myself from you. Like a burden,
I needed to drop you so I could remember how to walk
steadily again.

The world knows you’re my poison. The world knows you

made me sick.

But the world healed me.

And now I’m happy and you’re alone.

You’re the sad story, not me.

You can’t hurt me now.

The world will save me.

58
LETTER TWENTY-SIX

IT’ S G E T TI N G HAR D E R TO FO RG IVE YO U

It’s getting harder to forgive you every night I come home

alone and you’re not there.

It’s getting harder to forgive you when I need you but I

can’t call you.

It’s getting harder to forgive you every time I feel scared

because you were supposed to be protecting me.

It’s getting harder to forgive you when I can feel your ab-
sence in my life. When I see your ghost everywhere I go.

It’s getting harder to forgive you when your memories still

haunt me.

It’s getting harder to forgive you every time I realize that I

shouldn’t have to live without you but I do.

It’s getting harder to forgive you when you’re always the

reason behind my tears.

I keep saying it’s going to get easier but it doesn’t. I keep

saying it’s not that hard but it is.

I keep saying I don’t miss you but I do.

But every time I hope for something more from you and
I don’t get anything, I miss you a little less.

59
Every time I say that this time you will finally stay, you
end up leaving again.

And it’s getting harder to keep up with you. To wait for you.
To defend you. To believe in you. To believe in us.

It’s getting harder to love you again.

It’s getting harder to forgive you but it’s getting easier to

forget you.

60
LETTER TWENTY-SEVEN

I ’ M D E LE TI N G YO U R N U M B E R
E VE N TH O U G H I DO N ’ T WANT TO

I’m deleting your number because I don’t want to be

tempted to text you whenever I see anything that reminds
me of you because everything reminds me of you.

I’m deleting your number because I have to stop myself

from scrolling down trying to get to your name and star-
ing at it hoping that by some cosmic spell, you’d finally
call me.

I’m deleting your number because I don’t want you to be

the first person I think of calling when something bad
happens. I don’t want to keep remembering that I never
feared anything because I knew you would help me get
through it.

I’m deleting your number because I don’t want to call you

when I miss your voice. I don’t want to have any access
to you.

I’m deleting your number because I need to give someone

else a chance. I’m tired of shutting people out. I’m tired of
comparing everyone to you.

I’m deleting your number because I’m done torturing my-

self over losing you. I’m done with your maybes. I’m done

61
with your uncertainty. I’m done with your games.

I’m deleting your number because I’m looking for love

and that’s something you’re still confused about.

I’m deleting your number because you couldn’t make

me the only girl.

I’m deleting your number because it’s time to delete you

from my life.

62
LETTER TWENTY-EIGHT

MAY B E I WANTE D YO U TO FIG HT FO R M E

I wanted you to fight a little harder for me.

I wanted you to tell me that you didn’t want me to go,

that you would try harder, that you would find a solution.
I wanted you to tell me that I was worth the risk, I was
worth the chase. I wanted you to tell me that you’d rather
live with me than without me.

I wanted you to hold on instead of letting go.

But you didn’t. You didn’t even try to stop me when I was
leaving, you didn’t try to say goodbye, you didn’t even ask me
if I truly wanted to leave or if I was just acting out of anger.

I walked away and you didn’t follow me, you didn’t ask me
for one more chance and you didn’t ask me if I would be
okay without you.

I then realized that you never really fought for me in the be-
ginning to fight for me in the end.

Everything was your way, at your convenience, when you

had the time—nothing required an effort from you and
everything was my fault.

I trained you that it was normal for me to please you and

not ask for anything in return and I trained you that I’ll
never ask for more.

63
But I’m the girl who will always want more. I’m the girl
who will never settle.

Maybe you wanted more and maybe you didn’t, but either
way, you never fought for more, you never asked for more
and you never wanted me more.

And I know you said that fighting shouldn’t be part of

love, that you shouldn’t fight for people who exit your life,
but sometimes you have to fight for people to stay in your
life. You must give them a reason to stay.

And I wanted you to give me a reason, a sign—a hand to

hold.

But you chose not to and I was going to fight for you until
I realized you never wanted to be an opponent and there is
no point in fighting when the battle is already lost.

I wanted you to fight for me but you didn’t.

But thank you for not fighting for me; you taught me
how to fight for myself and that was the greatest lesson
I’ve ever learned.

64
LETTER TWENTY-NINE

IS YO U R H E ART B R E AKI N G N OW ?

Do you believe me now?

After she left you. After she broke your heart.

Do you believe me now?

When I told you I would never hurt you. When I told you
I would always stay.

When I told you that I would never let anything stand

in our way; not the distance, not your family, not your
friends, not even my own fears and insecurities.
Do you see it now?

Or do you still need more proof? Maybe more heart-

breaks? Maybe more people incapable of truly loving you?

Do you still need time to think about it? Time to figure it

out? Time to see the obvious?

That maybe I’m the one and maybe you shouldn’t have
let me go.

Do you believe me now?

When I joked one day and told you that you’ll roam the
world and you won’t find anything like my love. When I

65
told you that I can’t wait for you forever and maybe one
of these days I’ll be gone.

Do you feel it now?

The pain. The agony. The torture of loving someone who’s

not even yours. Of wanting someone who doesn’t want
you. Of waiting for something that may never happen.

Do you get it now?

How you made me feel all along. How you broke my

heart. How hard it was to move on.

Do you miss me now?

66
L E T T E R T H I RT Y

TO TH E LO N E LY N IG HTS

You seem to have enjoyed your free stay with me.

No one stayed with me as long as you stayed. No one

lingered the way you did.

You’re the only constant in my life. You’re always here

when I need you. You don’t want to let me go.

But the truth is I’m tired of you. I’m sick of you. I can’t
wait to get rid of you.

Your silence is insipid. Your emptiness is draining. Your dark-

ness is terrifying.

Your presence is no longer wanted. Your lessons are all

learned.

I miss having people around me. I miss being surrounded

by laughter and light. I miss going to bed next to some-
one. I miss waking up to the birds chirping and singing. I
miss feeling like I coexist; I need to know that I’m not all
by myself in this world.

I want you to let me go. I want you to set me free. I want

you to release me from the seclusion you trapped me in.

Because I don’t deserve you. I’m full of life. I’m full of love and
you’re sucking it all out of me.

67
I need you to leave me alone.

You had your time and now your time is up.

Now, I need to leave you. Now, you need to give me space.

Now, you need to give up on me.

I’m breaking up with you.

You and I are done forever.

I’m leaving you to find the world.

I’m done staying up late with you thinking about what

we’re missing out on.

I’m going to go out there and live.

And you can have the bed all to yourself. I know I’ll sleep
better without you.

I know I don’t want to share my bed with you anymore.

68
69
L E T T E R T H I RT Y - O N E

TO TH E O N E FATE B RO U G HT BACK TO M E

It’s easy to think that some stories have ended, to think

that they will never be reopened because they already ex-
pired, only to find fate slowly bringing these stories back
to your life asking for a sequel, asking for a different end-
ing or maybe asking for a new beginning.

Because unlike novels, the story of our lives is written by

the hands of God and only he can decide which stories
end and which stories simply needed an intermission.

And just like that, he brings old people back to your life
so you can start over; he brings a lover back into your life
because you’re both different people now and maybe this
time a happy ending makes sense, maybe this time the
ending doesn’t have to be heartbreaking.

Maybe this time God is rooting for us.

Maybe this time you’re right for me.

Because God brought you other love stories that didn’t

last and brought me other love stories that didn’t mean
anything and then he decided to bring us both back in the
same place under the realm of coincidence.

And I never believed in coincidences; I believe in fate con-

necting two people who desperately needed to reunite for
an unknown reason or maybe forever.

71
And maybe our story will end again but at least for now
fate believes in you, too. It believes in us.

And maybe our story will end again but this time we can
try to write a better one, a more loving one. A tender one.
Maybe this time it doesn’t have to end in a stalemate.

But we owe it to ourselves to at least try. We owe it to our-

selves to respond to fate. We owe it to ourselves to listen to
a universe that keeps pulling us closer together.

Because if fate brought you back to me, it means we’re

destined to be together, at least for a moment—at least
for now.

And maybe forever is not our fate but I am sure it will

lead us to it.

And maybe our ending is not a happy one but the begin-
ning looks promising.

And maybe this time we should just call it love instead of

calling it fate.

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L E T T E R T H I RT Y - T WO

YOU MAKE ME WANT TO BRE AK ALL THE RULES

You make me want to text you first and not think twice
about what I want to say.

You make want to tell you I miss you even if we were just
together the night before.

You make me want to forget that my heart was ever broken

and love like I’ve never been hurt.

You make me want to drive to your house just to see you

for two minutes.

You make me want to learn how to make all your favorite

meals so I can cook them for you.

You make me want to forget about everyone I talked to

before I met you.

You make me want to delete all their numbers because

they don’t matter anymore.

You make me want to tell my mom about you because

she’s been praying I’d find someone like you.

You make me want to thank God each and every night

because he finally answered my prayers.

You make me want to be honest—unafraid of my feelings.

73
You make me want to fall in love all over again.

You make me want to work on myself and be a better

person.

You make me want to wake up every morning and fall in

love with life again.

You make me want to write happy poems.

You make me want to let go of everything that’s been

holding me back from feeling and just feel everything.
You make me want to stop running from everything and
stay by your side.

You make me want to trust my heart again because it

found you and somehow that was the best thing that ever
happened to it.

You make me want to believe in fairy tales again.

You make me want to believe in miracles again.

You make me want to break all the rules and follow you.

74
L E T T E R T H I RT Y - T H R E E

I K N OW E N O U G H TO K N OW THAT I LI K E YO U

I don’t know your favorite movie but I know I want to

watch it with you on Sunday night.

I don’t know your favorite restaurant but I know I want to

go there with you, sipping wine, talking about our past,
our adventures, our families, and our friends. I want us to
exchange the deepest and most intimate stories.

I don’t know your favorite country but I know I want to

go there with you so we can explore its culture and its
beauty as we explore the beauty within ourselves. I want
us to try and understand our chaos as we walk through
the chaotic streets holding hands. I want us to tour all the
museums and get lost in their art. I want us to get lost in
our art, too—the strokes of our own beauty and the tap-
estry of our own pain.

I don’t know your best friends but I know I want to meet

them and listen to their stories about you and your mem-
ories together. I want to see how much they love you and
what kind of influence you have on them. I want to know
what kind of friend you are because you will be my best
friend, too.

I don’t know your favorite book but I know I want to read

it. I want to understand what inspires you, what moves
you and the words that touch your beautiful soul. I want
to know what excites your mind and what captures your

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heart. I want to read between the lines and decode what
each sentence means to you.

I don’t know if you prefer running or lifting weights but I

know I want to run with you wherever you want to go and
I know I want to lift some of the weight off your shoulders
if you would let me. I want to show you that you don’t have
to run or lift alone anymore. That the weight doesn’t have to
be so heavy anymore.

I don’t know who you loved before and how they loved
you but I know it wasn’t right. I know it left you wound-
ed, I know it left you bleeding and I know that I may not
be able to stop all the bleeding but I can make you smile
again, I can make you believe again and I can try to steril-
ize the oldest of wounds and the deepest of cuts.

I don’t know much about you but I know a lot about

me. I know when my eyes see something that makes them
sparkle and when my heart feels something real. I know
when my hands touch something precious and when my
soul connects with something divine.

I don’t know much about you but I know enough about

love and this looks a lot like love or maybe it’s not but I
want to find out.

I know enough to know that I want to delve deeper

into your soul and scoop out the hidden gems. I know
enough to know that somewhere in your depth, I’ll find
my treasure.

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L E T T E R T H I RT Y - F O U R

TO M Y FAVO R ITE SU R PR IS E

It was a long Wednesday evening. I had a horrible day at

work and I was drained. I looked up and asked God for
something. A miracle. Magic. Anything to make me sur-
vive the miseries of the day.

On most days, God doesn’t listen to me. He doesn’t send

me angels. He doesn’t send me miracles. But some days,
he surprises me. He sends me exactly what I’m asking for
or something better, as if he’s trying to tell me don’t ever
lose faith in me. I’ll always show up when you desperately
need me to.

And so that night I saw you.

I remember at first you didn’t pay much attention to me

because you were so busy being the charismatic social
butterfly that you are, entertaining everyone, taking care
of your friends and occasionally flirting with the pretty
women in the room. Then you slowly approached me and
started asking me questions I normally wouldn’t answer
but somehow, I answered you. Somehow, I felt like I could
tell you anything.

We talked about work and family. We talked about what

we’re passionate about and our dreams. We talked about
traveling and where we belong. We talked about every-
thing but we didn’t talk about love.

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Maybe we didn’t want to know too much. Maybe we
already secretly knew. Maybe we didn’t want to make it
awkward but we talked all night and miraculously I for-
got about my day, my work and my troubles. Somehow
looking at you made me feel like there’s nothing that
look couldn’t fix. There’s nothing that look couldn’t heal.
There’s nothing that look couldn’t take away.

Because it took my breath away and it took my heart away.

Even though I knew you were not innocent, the way you
looked at me was. It wasn’t the look you give other girls to
sweep them off their feet. It was different. It was respectful.

And the problem is every time you see something real,

you don’t know what to do. Every time you think this
could be love, you back off. You run away. You try so hard
not to fall.

And I knew that but I wasn’t as strong as you were. I fell.

I still fall every time I see you.

Maybe you’re not my forever. But that day I asked for a

miracle. I asked for magic. And I saw you.

Maybe you’re not my happy ending. But you’ll always be

my magic.

You’ll always be the one who saved the day.

78
L E T T E R T H I RT Y - F I V E

TO G IO RGOS: TH E G R E E K R E STAU R ANT OWN E R

WH O WANTE D TO PRO P OS E TO M E

I went to Greece with my friends last summer and

while we were all drunk on the beautiful scenery and
the sublime views of the mountains in Santorini, I was
also drunk from all the Greek wine we’ve been drinking
all day and when I’m wine-drunk, I like to start deep
conversations with strangers. I find it really refreshing
to talk to someone who doesn’t know a thing about me,
someone who probably won’t see me again. I like talking
to strangers about the trials and tribulations of my life
and maybe even confide in them a little bit more than
I should.

That’s when I met Giorgos, the owner of a cute little au-

thentic Greek restaurant in Oia. I was asking Giorgos
about the beautiful Greek culture and how many love sto-
ries and proposals he witnesses a day, given that he lives in
one of the most romantic cities on Earth. He went on to
tell me stories that literally brought tears to my eyes and
reawakened my faith in humanity and romance.

After listening to his beautiful stories in his endearing

Greek accent, I opened up to him about the guy I was
into and how little of an effort he’s been making with
me. I told him that I think it’s because he’s scared of
being with me and breaking my heart because we have

79
a lot of common friends. He knows that if he messes
things up, he might not be able to recover from it.

Poor Giorgos looked at me like I was coming from an-

other planet. He then told me something that stuck with
me to this day. He said, “You know how many proposals
I witness a day? At least 10. Most of these men are terrified
the girl might say no but they bend down on one knee any-
way because they’re holding on to the possibility of her saying
‘yes.’ The yes that will change their lives. That yes that will
make their dreams come true.”

Then he said, “This boy knows you will say yes and he
still doesn’t want to even try.” Then he joked and said
“Make him jealous and tell him a very sexy, rich and
handsome Greek man proposed to me in Santorini
and he will make me happy. I will marry you today if
you say yes.” I laughed out loud at how charming and
funny Giorgos was but after my conversation with him,
I walked by myself for a few minutes to take in the heav-
enly beauty of Santorini at night but I couldn’t get his
words out of my head.

Men propose and they’re not sure the girl will say yes,
but their profound love for their women makes them
fearless, it makes them run the risk of shattering their
hearts into a million pieces and here I am thinking that
the boy is not texting me because he’s scared of hurting
me. Sometimes I surprise myself by how lame and pa-
thetic I can be when I like someone!

I then thought of taking Giorgos’s advice and tell him

that a handsome Greek man proposed to me, but then
I asked myself if he’ll even care or if it will even matter
to him.

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And I guess that’s all I needed. A reminder that I deserve
someone who wants to at least try even if I might say no.
A reminder that a stranger in Greece told me that he’d
propose to me and the boy I wanted to give my heart to
didn’t even want to date me.

And maybe we all need a ‘Giorgos’ in our lives to remind us

of our worth and tell us not to settle and maybe we should
all be looking for that person who thinks our ‘yes’ will change
their life—the person who thinks we’re their dream.

81
L E T T E R T H I RT Y - S I X

WI LL YO U B E M I N E ?

I remember when you asked me these words and I looked

at you in utter disbelief because you never showed me a
sign, you never told me you liked me, you never looked at
me the way others look at me and you never said anything
more than hello.

And then one night you asked me if I wanted to be

yours and I said no because I didn’t even know you; I
was too busy getting to know the ones who tried hard-
er. The ones who said all the right things and swept me
off my feet.

But later, I realized that it’s the ones who are silently
watching, it’s the ones who are observing from afar, it’s
the ones who don’t say much that actually care the most.

They’re the ones who know your intricacies, they’re the

ones who hold the deepest love in their hearts for you.
They’re the ones who think about you day and night,
waiting for the moment they muster up enough courage
to come and tell you how they really feel.

And I realized that the ones who talk, the ones who charm
you, the ones who act like they want you more than any-
one are the ones who pretend. They tell everyone what
they want to hear. They enjoy playing this game and win-
ning. They’re the ones who want validation from as many

83
people as possible. They’re the ones who look at you as a
challenge rather than a piece of art.

And you saw me as art.

And I wish I had said yes.

I wish you and I made art.

I wish you and I crafted a masterpiece.

L E T T E R T H I RT Y - S EV E N

I K N OW WE ’ R E FR I E N DS
B UT I TH I N K YO U ’ R E CUTE

I know we’re friends but sometimes I like the way you

smile a little too much.

I know we’re friends but sometimes I like it when you

dance with me, a lot more than I should.

I know we’re friends but sometimes I think of what would

happen if we were more.

I know we’re friends but I like the way you look at me

when you think I’m not looking.

I know we’re friends but sometimes I dream about you.

I know we’re friends but I love seeing your name on my

phone.

I know we’re friends and I know we’re better off as friends.

I know we’re both afraid of losing each other and we’re

scared to try.

I know we’re friends but sometimes I wonder if our friendship

is a blessing or a curse.

I know we’re friends but sometimes I wish we weren’t;

sometimes I wish we didn’t have so much to lose.

85
I know we’re friends but sometimes I think maybe we
could fall in love.

86
L E T T E R T H I RT Y - E I G H T

TO TH E O N E WH O WI LL ALWAYS LOVE M E

You taught me that when it comes to love, I shouldn’t settle.

You taught me that those who love me will never stop try-
ing, they will never stop coming back and they will never
hold back their feelings.

You taught me that those who truly love me will not give
up easily, they’ll keep fighting, they’ll keep showing up
and they’ll be there for me time and time again.

But more than anything, you taught me that those who

truly love me will never stop. Those who truly care don’t
just disappear, they don’t just move on and they don’t act
like I meant nothing to them.

You taught me that I’ll always be enough for the ones who care.

You taught me that I’ll always be loved no matter how

far I go.

You taught me that love doesn’t really end. It doesn’t really

go away. It’s not easily replaced.

Maybe you were meant to love me so you can teach me

more about love.

Maybe you were meant to love me so you can show me that

it’s okay to love others even if they don’t love you back.

87
Maybe you’re a symbol of the love I want even though you’re
not the one.

I guess love is not something that can be tamed, it’s not

something that can be measured.

I guess love is not something you can really calculate.

It’s also not something you can shape. Love is not some-
thing you can box.

And maybe that’s why it’s so crazy and it doesn’t make

sense that you still love me and I still can’t get myself to
love you back.

And it’s crazy that I’m waiting to find someone I can love
the way you love me.

I hope I can find someone I’ll never stop loving. The way
you never stopped loving me.

88
L E T T E R T H I RT Y - N I N E

TO TH E O N E WH O FE E L S LI K E A D R E AM

I had a dream about you.

You were close.

You said you loved me.

You said you cared.

You asked me about my future.

You asked me about my past.

You asked me about my family.

You asked me about my friends.

You asked me about my work.

You asked me about my ex.

You asked me everything.

And I told you everything.

And you understood.

You didn’t flinch.

You weren’t scared.

89
You were brave.

It was a long dream.

It’s the dream I dream every day.

It’s the dream I dream when I’m wide awake.

It’s the dream that always involves you.

It’s the dream that I don’t want to wake up from.

Unless you’re the one waking me up.

90
L E T T E R F O RT Y

I ’ LL ALWAYS AN SWE R YO U R CALL

I’ll always be one call away. If you need a friend to talk to.
If you need someone to listen to you and understand you.

If you need to take a trip down memory lane and remem-

ber all the times we had together; the funny moments we
shared, the crazy memories and the nights we stayed up
talking and watching the sunrise.

I’ll always be one plane ticket away. If you’re in trouble, if

you need someone by your side, if you need someone to
hold your hand, you can always count on me. I’ll always
be there for you. No matter how long it’s been or how far
you are.

I’ll always be near. I’ll always find you.

I’ll always be there for you; all you have to do is ask.

I’ll always be there to remind you that you’re not alone.

I’m here. I’ve always been here. I’ll always be here.

And I know we both moved on and I know we don’t al-

ways stay in touch or say what’s in our hearts but I hope
you know that even if I don’t say much, even if I don’t
show it, I’ll always be close to you. I’ll always care about
you. I’ll always want to help you when you need someone.

You were always good at hearing my silence; you were al-

91
ways good at understanding me without saying a word
and I hope this time is no different. I hope you under-
stand that even when I’m quiet, I can still hear you.

I’ll always be one call away. If you need to talk for hours
or if you need to remember that you are loved. I’ll always
be there to let you know just how loved and how incred-
ible you are.

I’ll always remind you that you’re unforgettable and that

you’re not alone.

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L E T T E R F O RT Y - O N E

IN A WORLD TRYING TO MAKE YOU FEEL ALONE ,

I’LL ALWAYS BE BY YOUR SIDE

In a world trying to make you feel ugly, I’ll always show

you your beauty; the beauty that lies within, the beauty
that only a few people can show you, the beauty that you
sometimes forget you have because of all the things people
told you and all the lies they made you believe.

In a world trying to make you feel like a failure, I’ll re-

mind you of your accomplishments, I’ll remind you of
the days you fought so hard to be where you are today.
I’ll remind you of the nights you couldn’t stop crying but
eventually found a way to smile again and I’ll remind you
of how far you’ve come, how strong you’re becoming and
how resilient you really are.

In a world trying to make you feel unloved, I’ll love you

with all my heart. I’ll love you when you’re moody. I’ll love
you when you’re weak. I’ll love you when you’re quiet. I’ll
love you when you’re scared. I’ll love you when you’re lost
and I’ll love you when you can’t name one thing you love
about yourself. I’ll write you a list of everything I love
about you. I’ll see the things that no one sees. I’ll intro-
duce you to a new kind of love. A love you never thought
existed. The kind of love you deserve.

In a world trying to make you believe that everyone is

shady, I’ll be the one thing that’s real. I’ll be kind. I’ll be

93
genuine. I won’t take you for granted. I won’t only love
you when you’re happy or rich or successful. I won’t walk
out on you when you’re at your lowest. I’ll always fight for
you. I’ll always stand by you. I’ll always be on your side.
We’ll always be on the same team, whether we win or lose.
I’ll always root for you.

In a world trying to convince you that everyone is going

to betray you, I’ll prove to you my loyalty time and time
again. I’ll make you trust again. I’ll make you believe that
people can stay.

I’ll make you realize that history doesn’t always have to

repeat itself. I’ll make you realize that some risks are still
worth taking and some chances can change your life. I’ll
remind you that if you take a leap of faith, you can change
your whole world. A world that makes you feel beautiful.
A world that makes you feel safe. A world where you don’t
have to worry about being alone because I’ll always be
right beside you.

94
L E T T E R F O RT Y - T WO

H E WA S M Y STO R M B UT YO U ’ R E M Y C ALM

You get mad when I talk about him. You get quiet when
people say his name.

You think he’s still a threat. You think he’s the one that
got away.

And I won’t lie and say he wasn’t, because for the longest
time, he was the one that got away. The one I was almost
certain I’d end up with eventually.

But then you came along and you showed me that stars
still shine in the darkest of nights. You showed me that
the sun doesn’t always have to burn. You showed me that
we don’t have to run and hide when it rains. You showed
me how beautiful the moon is when you have the right
person by your side.

You showed me that I could be loved just the way I am.

You showed me that I could be me and still make your
heart skip a beat. Because you don’t ask me to laugh qui-
etly, you love how loud my laugh is. You don’t ask me to
stop eating because this is my fifth meal. You don’t ask
me to stop being so emotional or so sensitive because you
know that this is my heart and you love it the way it is.

He always had something to say. He always disliked some-

thing. He always made me feel insecure about the things

95
I should be proud of. He always made me feel like he’s
doing me a favor by being with me.

He started a storm within me, a storm that I thought he

was the only one who could stop.

But then you came along and you made me realize that
the person who caused the storm should be forgotten in
it, the person who caused the storm will not be the one to
rescue me from it.

But you’re the calm. You’re the rainbow after the hurricane.
You’re the rise after the fall.

You always have something beautiful to say, something

fascinating, something endearing, something sincere,
something mesmerizing and something lovable.

So he may be the one that got away, but whoever said that
the one that got away needs to come back? Sometimes the
one that got away is better away. Sometimes he must go
away to make room for someone better to come along.

Sometimes he’s the chaos that leaves so the calm can stay.

96
L E T T E R F O RT Y - T H R E E

TO M Y FAVO R ITE ACCI D E NT

I met you when I wasn’t looking, I bumped into you when

I was looking for someone else. I met you when I was still
trying to pick up the pieces. But as soon as I met you,
I knew that something about you was going to change
something about me. I knew from the moment we said
hello that we won’t be saying goodbye anytime soon.

Isn’t it funny how our hearts just give us cues about certain
people? How they decide to swiftly unlock themselves from
their own chains and open up to someone they just met?

And from the very first day you unlocked my heart, from
the very first day I knew my heart wanted you.

Maybe accidents aren’t really accidents; maybe these coin-

cidences are strategically planned so that two people can
find each other when they were desperately searching for
one another, or maybe they’re planned so that two people
can find each other when they were desperately searching
for someone else.

Maybe they serve as a reminder that someone out there is so

much better for us, someone out there is exactly who we need
to forget about the ones who took us for granted and the ones
who broke our hearts.

Sometimes I wonder if I’m just fantasizing because the

hopeless romantic in me always takes over, but then no

97
fantasy can feel so real, no fantasy can move my heart the
way you do and no fantasy can be so tangible, so percep-
tible and so solid.

I don’t know where the road may take us but I’m enjoying
the ride.

I don’t know where you’re taking me but I know I trust you

to lead the way, I trust you to take me to all the places that
you love and all the places that you used to drive to alone.

And even though I suck at hiking, I’m ready to climb a moun-

tain with you, I’m ready to be on top of the world with you.

I met you when I wasn’t looking, I bumped into you when

I was looking for someone else, but I found you and you
turned out to be better than anyone I was looking for.

98
L E T T E R F O RT Y - F O U R

I R E ALIZE D THAT M Y LI FE IS
WH E R E VE R YO U AR E

Life is wherever you’re near. Life is wherever I can see you

and talk to you. Life is wherever I know I can come over
when I’m lonely and hold your hand when I’m scared.

Life is wherever you’re with me. Because it’s easier to han-

dle the downfalls, it’s easier to fall knowing you’re there to
catch me and it’s easier to live another day knowing you
will be there.

Life is wherever you take me. As long as I’m with you, I

know I’m safe. As long as I’m with you, I know I don’t
have to wonder about anything and as long as I’m with
you, life makes sense.

Because I’ve been to the most beautiful places and I’ve seen
the most beautiful faces and I still felt alone without you.

I felt dead inside; it was killing me to see the world when

you weren’t there, it was killing me to share the best mo-
ments in my life with someone else.

I realized that life is not about what you see but more about
who you see it with.

And I’m meant to see life with you, I’m meant to live next
to you because otherwise I’m not really living when I’m
missing you.

99
People told me I can go wherever I can go and be whoever
I can be and I still choose to be next to you and choose
to be yours.

Because the world is huge but without you it feels so

small. The world is wonderful but without you it’s lifeless.

Life is wherever you are because you know how to bring

me back to life.

Life is wherever you’re close because a moment with you is

worth more than a thousand moments with someone else.

Life is hard but with you it’s easier.

Life is frustrating but with you it’s delightful.

Life means nothing if you’re not in it.

100
L E T T E R F O RT Y - F I V E

A S I N CE R E LE T TE R TO ALL TH E O N E S
I LE F T BACK H O M E

It’s been a hard journey but I’m finally heading some-

where. The road is still long and the destination is not
crystal clear but I’ve finally learned how to drive in the fog
and keep on driving until the sun shines again.

I sometimes wish I could just go back home and not have

to deal with any of these hurdles, but I feel like some-
thing big is waiting for me at the end of the road. I
need to go find myself away from the comfort of my
own bed and the sound of your lullabies.

I had to leave so I can grow, so I can be the person you

told me I could be, so I can reach the potential you saw
in me that I couldn’t see in myself and the person you
wanted me to be.

I have tried to find people like you to make the road easier
but it was hard to find anyone that could replace you be-
cause you’re irreplaceable and it would be unfair to com-
pare anyone I meet to you. No one will do our friendship
and our bond justice. You are the blessings that come only
once in a lifetime.

I realized there’s so much more to explore outside the can-

opy of our little jokes and conversations, outside the luxury
of not having to explain ourselves to anyone or wonder if

101
someone misunderstood us and outside the silence we never
really feared, but here silence makes you think, it makes you
question, it could drive you crazy.

Here, silence is terrifying.

I thought about coming home. I thought about going

back again because it’s easier.

But I didn’t want to come home the same person that

left and I didn’t want to come home without a fight, I
didn’t want to come home when I haven’t battled any-
one. I wanted to come back as a winner, a champion or a
fighter, someone who fought till the end, someone who
tried and someone who didn’t let you down.

But I want you to know that you keep me going more

than anyone. Whenever I feel hopeless, I remember the
nights we strolled in the city laughing, singing our lungs
out as we walked arm in arm. I remember the nights we
held each other tightly whenever one of us was hurting
and I remember all the crazy memories we had and the
silly things we did and these memories make me feel alive.
They make me smile when I’m tired. They make me look
forward to the day I come back to you.

They remind me of how lucky I am that I have people like

you to come home to. They remind me that no matter
how far I wander, you’re still close to me, closer than ever.

And I want you to know that I will be okay. At times, I

may get lost and I may struggle to stay in touch with you
but I will never completely disappear. I will never be dis-
tant. I will never change with you.

I want you to know that I didn’t leave because of you; I left

because of me.

102
Because of the person I was becoming, the person I was
turning into and because I started to feel like I didn’t be-
long. But throughout this journey, I learned that home
doesn’t have to be one place, that you could have many
homes in your lifetime but you’ll still have one special
home you loved more, one special home you miss, one
special home you had the best time in.

But I want you to know that wherever my final home will

be, miles and miles away or a block away, I will always
love you and you will forever be my favorite home. You
will always be the reason why I will keep on fighting and
why I will try to win.

You will always be in my heart.

You will always be irreplaceable.

You will always be the home I’ll never forget.

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L E T T E R F O RT Y - S I X

I DO N ’ T K N OW WHAT TO TE LL M Y M O M
ABO UT YO U AN Y M O R E

My mom asked me about you today…again!

I’m running out of excuses to tell her. I’m running out

of lies.

She asked me if you’re coming to my aunt’s gathering and

I told her you’re busy.

She asked me if you’re coming to my cousin’s wedding and

I told her your parents are in town.

She asked me if you’re coming to my best friend’s birthday

and I told her you have an important meeting at work.

She asked me if you’re taking that road trip with me and I

told her you couldn’t take any days off.

I know that eventually, my mom will stop asking me

about you because she’s starting to realize that maybe
we’re nothing.

She’s going to think you’re just another one of my fanta-

sies, another one of my romantic illusions. Another love
I imagined.

And I can’t blame her.

I always told her about people she never met, people who

107
never cared to see her, people who didn’t try to make her
feel that her daughter is in safe hands.

But I told her about you because I thought you were dif-
ferent. I thought this was it.

And maybe I shouldn’t have told her anything about you,

because when I asked you what we were, you said ‘I don’t
know’ and I guess that means that I know what we’re not.

We’re not together.

You’re not mine.

Next time my mom asks me about you, I’ll use your an-
swer: I’ll tell her I don’t know.

And you’ll remain another name on her list—another

stranger that came into her daughter’s life then broke her
heart. A name she may never remember or never forget.

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L E T T E R F O RT Y - S EV E N

I ’ M TI R E D O F LYI N G TO PEO PLE ABO UT YO U

I’m tired of telling them that you’re always busy because

you’re ambitious and you’re focused on your career.

I’m tired of telling them that you didn’t leave because you
didn’t love me; you just left so you can work on yourself.

I’m tired of telling them that you care. I’m tired of trying to
convince everyone, including myself, that you genuinely care.

I’m also tired of lying to myself.

I’m tired of sugarcoating the truth so I can keep you in

my life.

I’m tired of telling my friends that you’re into me so they

can stop telling me to move on.

I’m tired of not following my own advice.

I’m tired of pretending that you didn’t break my heart and

that I’m not expecting anything more.

I’m tired of waiting for you.

I’m tired of believing you.

I’m tired of loving you.

I’m tired of lying to people and telling them that you love
me, too.

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L E T T E R F O RT Y - E I G H T

ALL TH E Q U E STIO N S I WANTE D TO A S K YO U

B UT I A S K E D ‘ H OW ’ S WO R K? ’ I N STE AD

Do you miss me?

(because I do)

Are you happy?

(because I’m not)

Are you wondering why I’ve been so distant?

(because you hurt me)

Do you know why and you just don’t care?

(because that would hurt so much more)

Do you still care?

(because I still do)

Was it all an act? Was it all a game?

(because it was real for me)

Did you move on?

(because I can’t let go)

Do you love someone else?

(because I can love you better)

Do you think I’m crazy?

(because you’re driving me crazy)

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Are you scared?
(because I’m terrified)

Why did you disappear?

(because I still don’t understand)

Do you want to ask me anything?

(because I’ll tell you everything)

Do you think we still have a chance?

(because that’s all I ever wanted)

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L E T T E R F O RT Y - N I N E

PE R HAP S ALL I N E E D E D WA S AN AN SWE R

Perhaps all I needed was an answer instead of you calling

me cold.

I turned cold when your warmth got icy. I turned cold

when your words turned flat. I turned cold because you
left without a word. You didn’t give me an answer. A rea-
son. An excuse. You didn’t say anything.

Perhaps all I needed was an answer instead of pretending

like I never existed.

Maybe I needed a proper goodbye, I needed something

more to prove to me that you at least enjoyed our mo-
ments and appreciated the time we spent together. All
I needed was a text to let me know that even though it
didn’t last, it was special.

All I needed was something from you to let me know that

it was real. That we were both on the same page. That for
a moment, we were one.

Perhaps all I needed was an answer instead of leaving me

alone with all my thoughts.

And you know how much I overthink and you know how
much it kills me when people leave without saying a word
and you know how my thoughts keep me up at night. You
know that I tend to be too hard on myself. You know that

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I’m going to think it was me. That I pushed you away.
That it was my fault. I wish you made it a little bit easier
to love myself even if you couldn’t love me.

Perhaps I already have the answer—it’s just not what I

wanted to hear.

Perhaps your silence is the answer. Perhaps your departure

is the answer. Perhaps acting like you don’t care is not an
act and you really don’t. Perhaps I’m waiting for you to be
someone you’ll never be. Perhaps honesty and courage are not
qualities you possess.

Perhaps all you know how to be is a coward.

114
LETTER FIFTY

ALL I N E E D E D WA S O N E CO FFE E DATE

I wasn’t asking for too much.

I wasn’t asking for red roses and romantic dates.

I wasn’t asking for a trip to Paris or Rome.

All I wanted was one coffee date for you to see another
side of me.

The side that listens more than speaks, the side that asks
the right questions, the side that doesn’t try to be loud or
funny or crazy, the side that comes out when the world is
still, when the world is still and my mind is quiet.

I wanted you to see that underneath the fun and bubbly

girl there’s a layer of depth, a layer of serenity, a layer of
wisdom and a layer of empathy caused by the pain and the
suffering my heart endured.

I wanted you to see how I could’ve understood you and

your story.

I wanted you to see that our communication could have

been effortless.

I wanted you to see that I wasn’t going to judge you for

your past mistakes.

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I guess I thought I could show you that side one day over
coffee. I guess I thought you would at least ask me out
for coffee.

But I never had the chance; you assumed that I’m some-
one else and that we’re not a good fit.

You assumed that we’re destined to fall apart before you

even try.

But I didn’t want to think about the future, I didn’t want

to think about our differences, I just wanted to grab coffee
with you, to see you in the daytime, to talk to you when
you’re sober, to show you a side few people have seen.

I guess you never thought about it as much as I did.

Or maybe you don’t like coffee or maybe you just don’t like me.

All I needed was one coffee date so I could truly move on

because now I see you and I think about that coffee date
and what would have happened if we had met up for cof-
fee that day and how it could have changed our lives—or
at least mine.

But for now, I’ll drink coffee alone at a coffee shop and
wait for the one who wants to drink coffee with me, probe
all my sides, talk about his life and mine, ask deep and
silly questions, laugh and cry, and maybe—just maybe—
fall in love with me.

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LETTER FIFTY-ONE

I FI NALLY LE AR N E D WHAT TO DO
WH E N I M ISS YO U

I’ll find your texts to read the emptiness in your words, to

remember how your actions never matched your words.
I’ll find them so I can read the broken promises over and
over again and remember that you not only broke your
promises; you also broke my heart.

I’ll check your profile to see how many women you’re flirt-
ing with to remember that you never thought I was spe-
cial, how many admirers you have and all the pretty girls
that give you the attention you desire. I’ll remember how
you never stopped playing your games after you met me.
I want to remember how your eyes and your mind were
never set on me. I want to see all the evidence that proves
that you never really cared—even if it hurts.

I’ll remember that you don’t miss me, too. I’ll remember
that you haven’t tried to reach out or say a word. I’ll feel
your absence and I’ll remember that I needed more. I’ll
remember that you failed to give me what I wanted.

I don’t know why when people leave, we assume that it’s

our fault, that there’s something wrong with us but some-
times it’s their fault, they couldn’t give us what we’re look-
ing for either, they didn’t understand our needs and they
couldn’t grasp how we want to be loved or provide us with
the kind of love we deserve.

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It’s not a crime to want more and I wanted more. Much more
than what you were giving me.

You thought I’d be okay with poor communication and

inconsistency. You thought I’d be okay with being just an-
other one of your girls. You thought I’d be okay with wait-
ing for you and pretending like I don’t want more. You
thought I’ll continue being your friend until you decide.

But you should have known better. You should have

known that when I tell you I like you, it means I only
like you because that’s not something that happens very
often. I don’t usually fall for a bunch of men at the same
time. I don’t know how to make them all feel special and
cared for.

I don’t know how to give them just enough to string them

along. I’m not you.

I don’t give in easily but when I do, I give my all. I don’t fall
often but when I do, I fall too hard.

And I thought you’d know that because of how well you

were able to analyze me, but I should have known better.
I should have known that no matter what you see in me,
you’ll never appreciate it.

So that’s what I’ll do when I start missing you. I’ll remem-

ber that you missed out on me and it was your choice. I’ll
remember that you weren’t looking for love. I’ll remember
that you weren’t looking for me.

I’ll keep remembering everything until I stop missing you.

Until I forget you.

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LETTER FIFTY-TWO

TH IS IS M E ACCE P TI N G THAT TH I N GS WI LL
N E VE R B E TH E SAM E B E T WE E N US

This is me accepting that we’ll still be in each other’s lives

but not necessarily involved in them. We’ll see each other
and make small talk but we won’t share the details we used
to share or trust each other with our deepest secrets or ask
each other for advice.

This is me accepting that we’ll forgive each other but we’ll

never forget. There will always be this cloud hovering over
us when we talk, there will always be this memory of the
night things changed and there will always be this voice
inside our heads reminding us of the words we said that
we can’t take back.

This is me accepting that you won’t be there for every oc-

casion, every milestone, every high and every low. This is
me getting used to your absence, getting used to celebrat-
ing life without you. This is me getting used to depending
on anyone other than you.

This is me accepting that you won’t be the first person I

call when things go wrong. You won’t be the person who
will protect me or make me feel safe. This is me getting
used to fighting alone. This is me getting used to walking
alone at night without waiting for you to lead the way.

This is me accepting that life will go on without you, it

119
will still make sense, it will still have meaning and it will
still be beautiful. This is me getting used to finding plea-
sure in the simple things and making new memories. This
is me tearing the perfect picture I had in mind for us—
this is me taking new pictures without you in them.

This is me accepting that our connection will always be

disconnected, our love will always be broken and our bond
will always be frail. This is me getting used to being alone.
This is me learning how to find my own worth away from
you. This is me acknowledging that I’ll always be enough
for me even if I wasn’t enough for you.

120
LETTER FIFTY-THREE

I F TH E Y E VE R A S K YO U WH Y S H E CHAN G E D

Tell them she gave me her heart

and I threw it away.
Tell them she waited for me,
time and time again
but I never showed up.

Tell them all she wanted to do

was love me
and all I did was let her go.
Tell them she declared her love
to the whole world
but I never told a soul.

Tell them she wanted to ease my loneliness,

she wanted to make the night less terrifying
and all I did was leave her alone at night,
in her bed crying.

Tell them she gave me more than one chance

but I ruined them all.
Tell them she listened to all my stories
but I never asked her about one of her chapters.

Tell them she changed because I made her,

because every time she’d get closer
I’d find ways to push her away
and every time she tried to love me,
I made her love herself a little less.

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Tell them she changed because
she was the only one caring,
she was the only one loving
and she was only one hurting.

Tell them she changed because she finally realized

that I’ll never give her what she wants
and she finally realized that she deserves someone
who gives her everything she wants and more.

122
LETTER FIFTY-FOUR

I ’ M SO R RY YO U HAD TO PAY FO R H IS M ISTAK E

You both come from the same city. You both have the
same charm. You both have the same zodiac sign. You
both have the same enthralling gaze. You’re both irresist-
ible. You both captured my heart.

But he broke my heart twice.

He made me so happy then made me so miserable.

It took me years to get over him. It took me years to get

over what he did. It took me years to forget the way he
made me feel.

And then I met you. And you mesmerized me because

that’s what you do. You hypnotize people.

You were better than him. He was cruel. You seemed kind.
The way he looked at me wasn’t real but with you, I felt
something. I liked the way you looked at me. I liked the
way you admired me.

So, I surrendered.

Even though I promised myself that I will be guarded

with guys like you, I still wanted to get to know you. I
still wanted to know if I’ll ever have a chance with guys
like you.

123
But then you started acting like him. Your responses got
shorter, your eyes didn’t look at me with the same fervor,
your mind was somewhere else and I was hoping that your
heart was still with me. I was hoping that there was still hope
and I tried not to kill it with my insecurities or my fears.
And I tried not to compare you to him.

I let you go but I sent it out to the universe that I still

want you. I needed a sign. I needed a message from the
universe, and because the universe gives you the answers
you desperately need, the inevitable happened.

The universe gave me the sign I needed. I saw you with her. I
saw you kissing her. I saw you leave with her.

And I hated you for it. Maybe hate is a strong word but
you made me remember him and what he did to me. I had
to relive the pain of losing him all over again on top of the
pain of losing you. You brought with you the ghosts of the
past and the present. The ghosts of heartbreak.

The problem with heartbreak is that it triggers certain

memories, certain emotions, certain fears and suddenly
you’re not yourself.

Suddenly you act like a completely different person to

protect yourself. Suddenly, you’re hostile.

And I wanted to protect myself from you.

And maybe you’re not exactly like him, but you both
didn’t really want me as much as I wanted you. You were
both selfish. You both didn’t care about my feelings.

I’m sorry you had to pay for his mistake.

I’m sorry I saw him in you.

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I’m sorry I ran away without telling you why.

But now I know why they warned me. Now I know why
they told me to stay away from guys like you. Now I know
why you two have a lot more in common than I thought.

Now I know why you both broke my heart.

It’s ironic though because now I see him and I don’t feel a
thing but I still avoid him because now he reminds me of you.

125
LETTER FIFTY-FIVE

I C AN ’ T S E E YO U AN D PR E TE N D
LI K E N OTH I N G HAPPE N E D

Maybe that’s my problem. Maybe I’m just too sensitive.

Maybe I just can’t forget or maybe you were just that im-
portant. Maybe I wanted a lot more than this. A lot more
than just small talk.

But I just can’t see you and pretend like we’re normal. I
can’t see you and pretend like it’s all good.

I can’t see you and pretend that you didn’t hurt me.

I can’t see you and not think about all the things I wanted
to talk to you about instead of talking about work and the
weather. All the secrets I wanted to share with you and
all the stories I wish you had told me. I can’t see you and
pretend like I don’t wonder what could have been or why
you had to disappear.

I can’t pretend like I don’t know about her. I can’t pretend

like I don’t know you’re giving her your attention, your
time and your love. I can’t pretend like it doesn’t bother
me every time I see you and remember that you picked
her and I still don’t understand why.

I can’t get over how quickly things ended, how quickly

they collapsed. I can’t get over how you didn’t say a word
and how I didn’t ask you a single question. I can’t get over
this silence or how quickly you replaced me. I just can’t.

127
Part of me just wants to be honest with you and tell you
everything, tell you that the next time you see me, pretend
like you don’t know me because I’m already invisible to
you. Part of me just wants to tell you that you don’t have
to be nice or cordial because it all doesn’t matter now. It’s
all the same to me.

You’re not mine and until you are, there’s nothing you can do
that will fix it.

I can’t see you and treat you like a stranger or a friend. I

can’t see you and pretend like I don’t want to touch you or
tell you that I miss you. I can’t see you and pretend like it’s
over because to me, it’s not.

To me, it didn’t even start.

To me, it still doesn’t make any sense. It doesn’t add up.

You, kissing someone else—me, loving someone else. It
just doesn’t.

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LETTER FIFTY-SIX

YO U LE F T A LO N G TI M E AGO, SO
DO N ’ T TRY TO CO M E BACK N OW

You left on a gloomy winter day. You left without saying

goodbye. You left without telling me that you’re not com-
ing back.

You left and you made me get used to people leaving, you
made me get used to being alone.

But I found myself alone in the desert, looking for water,

looking for food, looking for people and looking for an exit.

You left me all by myself: lost, sad and confused.

You left me stranded, voiceless, trying to ask for help.

And maybe I died a few times but I found a way to live. I

found myself again.

I found a way to feed my mind, to nourish my soul and

use my voice again.

I found a way to stay warm and dry in the storm.

I don’t know how I did it. I don’t know how I survived. I

don’t know why I wanted to live.

I just knew that I saw the sunlight and it made me long for
something brighter, something better—a life without you.

129
Because a life without you meant a life of freedom, a life
of hope, a life of sunny days and starry nights. A life with-
out you meant a life where I can be myself and not have
to apologize for it.

I wanted to live before I die. I wanted to experience what

it was like to be happy. To smile every day and laugh
every night.

And I found it.

And now I’m happy.

I’m fine without you.

So you can’t come back now. You’re not welcome. You’re

not invited.

My door is now closed. You can’t break me again.

That’s what you get when you exit someone’s life before
they’re ready—you don’t come back whenever you’re ready.
You no longer have the upper hand. You no longer have
the key. I changed the locks and I changed myself.

130
LETTER FIFTY-SEVEN

TO TH E G I R L WH O TH I N KS THAT
S H E M UST B E TH E PRO B LE M

I get it.

I’ve been there.

You think it must be you because he started dating some-

one else right after he told you he wasn’t ready.

You think it must be you because it happened to you re-

peatedly, from different men and they can’t all be that bad.

You’re the one thing they all have in common.

You think it must be you because you keep pushing them

away, into the arms of other women.

You think it must be you because they never resurfaced,

they never came back and they never apologized for let-
ting you go.

You think it must be you because of all the unresolved

childhood issues you have, you think it’s because you still
have a lot of things to work on and a lot of things to fix.
You think maybe you’re unfixable.

You think it must be you because you want love so much

and every time you try to ask for it, you get denied. Every
time you think it’s real, it fools you.

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You think it’s you because maybe on a deeper level, you
stopped believing that you deserve it. Maybe on a deeper
level, you don’t believe that you will find it and you keep
falling for those who prove you right.

I’m not going to tell you that you are perfect, that it’s
definitely them not you and I’m not going to tell you that
you’re better than them but I am going to tell you that
even if you’re the problem, someone who really wants you
will not run away.

Someone who really wants you will try to understand where

the problem is coming from; he will try to find answers, maybe
a solution.

He will try to listen before he shuts off, he will try to talk

to you before he stops responding to your messages, he
will try to spend more time with you before he decides
he doesn’t want to see you anymore. He will try before he
gives up. He should at least try.

I know you’re too hard on yourself, but you also find peo-
ple who are harder on you. You find people who make you
feel like your problems are insoluble.

But even if you are the problem, even if you don’t always
say or do the right things, it shouldn’t be a deal-breaker,
it shouldn’t be a reason for someone to stop trying. We all
have problems we’re still trying to solve but we don’t need
someone who wants us with no baggage and no problems,
we don’t need someone who takes the easy way out.

We need someone who helps us face our problems, helps us

unload our baggage and loves even the most incomplete parts
of who we are.

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LETTER FIFTY-EIGHT

TO TH E O N E WH O AS K E D M E TO CHAN G E
SO I CO U LD FI N D LOVE

Don’t ask me to stop being so emotional or too vulnerable

because this sends men running the other way. Don’t ask
me to stop being myself for someone who can’t handle all
of me.

Don’t ask me to start playing games because all guys love

the chase, don’t ask me to try to impress the ones who will
leave once the game is over.

Don’t make me feel bad because I got lost in a moment

or because I said too much. Don’t make me feel bad for
being the one who cares more or the one who will always
give someone a second chance.

Don’t make me feel bad for believing. Believing in love,

believing in people, believing in change and believing
that only love can change people—only love can change
the world.

Don’t ask me to change for someone so they can love me

more or give me a chance. Don’t make me fall into the
same trap that keeps this generation from finding love.

Don’t ask me to participate in everything I hate about mod-

ern love, don’t ask me to be like everyone else in this genera-
tion: afraid to feel, afraid to get hurt and afraid to love.

133
Ask me to be myself because the right person will not have
a problem with it. Ask me to be myself because wearing
a mask is nothing but a waste of time. Ask me to keep
believing because this is half the battle.

And ask me to always love with all my heart because you

never know what tomorrow may bring and it’s better to
live with answers than die with questions.

Because the truth is that love is supposed to change you

for the better, it’s supposed to enhance all the good things
in you and it’s supposed to fuel more love.

Love is supposed to make you feel better about yourself,

it’s not supposed to make you feel like everything you’re
doing will never appeal to someone else.

Because someone out there is looking for exactly everything I

have to offer. Someone out there is also tired of people asking
him to change so he could find love. Someone out there thinks
I exist and he’s right.

But don’t tell me that I’m failing at finding love because

of who I am. I’m not failing; I just haven’t found love yet
because I haven’t met the right person yet.

I haven’t found love because I don’t want to change to be

with the wrong person. I don’t want to fool someone into
loving who I am not.

I am waiting for the one who will love me for who I am

and won’t ask me to change so he can be with me.

134
LETTER FIFTY-NINE

TH IS IS M E SAYI N G GOO D BY E

This is me unbelieving all your lies. This is me realizing

that I can’t hold on to words you said when you were
drunk and emotions you felt when you were lonely. This
is me realizing that your actions never matched your
words and your feelings were never real. This is me ac-
knowledging that this whole time I was living a lie be-
cause I didn’t want to lose you.

This is me losing you. This is me deleting your pictures.

This is me erasing your messages. This is me forgetting
your words. This is me losing our friendship and losing
our love. This is me losing you and I mean it this time.
This is me living without ever thinking of going back
to you.

This is me making the decision I should have made a long

time ago. This is me kicking you out of my heart. This is
me making room for someone else. Someone better than
you. Someone who knows what love is. Someone who
appreciates me. Someone who is everything you’re not.
Someone who reminds me of the love that I deserve.

This is me finally saying goodbye. Goodbye to all the

plans I had for us. Goodbye to the future I pictured you
in. Goodbye to all the places I wanted to take you to and
all the things I wanted to share with you. Goodbye to all
the stories that I wanted to write for you. Goodbye to

135
everything that has your name on it. Goodbye to every-
thing that reminds me of you.

This is me loving myself. This is me finally realizing that

I can’t love you and love myself, too. This is me finally
understanding that you were the only person blocking
me from finding true love. This is me finally deciding
that I’m not going to punish myself anymore by loving
you. This is me letting go of all the resentment and the
bitterness. This is me realizing that you are the biggest
punishment to yourself.

136
LETTER SIXTY

A LE T TE R TO TI M E AN D TI M I N G

What is it about you and me? Why are you always a bar-
rier in my relationships? Why are you always wrong? Why
are you always in a different zone?

I’m tired of hearing ‘wrong timing’ or ‘the timing sucks’ or

‘it’s just bad timing’ yet it seems like most people out there
don’t have a problem with timing; it seems like people are
making timing work despite the distance, the problems,
the crazy ex-girlfriend or the psycho ex-boyfriend because
somehow you don’t meddle in their relationships, some-
how you don’t interfere and push one of them away.

But with me, you’re always there. You’re all I ever hear and
even though I never believed in you, you seem to really
believe in me.

Please leave when you feel like I’m getting close to some-
one, don’t send your alarms running to warn them that
they might be getting attached and they have to leave
the country soon and long-distance might be hard. Let
them take a chance on me, let me show them that distance
doesn’t have to be so hard and let them follow their heart,
the way I always follow mine.

Please leave when I’m talking to someone who’s still think-

ing about an ex; don’t keep reminding them that they have
unfinished business or that their ex might come back. Let

137
them fall for me, let them give me the same chance they
gave their ex—maybe I can make them forget, maybe I’ll
be the one to show them what they were missing.

Please leave when you see me falling for someone who’s

not ready, don’t keep telling them that they’re not and that
they can’t settle down. Let them be ready for me, let them
change their mind, let them see how things will go if they
try. Let me show them that even if they’re not ready, they
won’t regret loving me.

Maybe if you leave, they’ll be compelled to stay.

Bring me the right people at the right time, bring me the

ones who are ready, the ones who are not hung up on an
ex, who are not leaving the city anytime soon, who are not
going to believe in you as much as the others did.

Bring me the ones who fight you, who make you right even
if you’re wrong, the ones who break every clock to make you
align with me.

138
139
LETTER SIXTY-ONE

I F TH IS IS TH E E N D O F O U R STO RY,
I WANT YO U TO K N OW THAT YO U ’ R E
M Y FAVO R ITE CHAP TE R

I don’t believe that timing should be a barrier in mov-

ing a relationship forward. Maybe it makes it harder
but it doesn’t make it impossible. I’m also a firm believ-
er that things have a way of falling into place, they have
a way of unfolding naturally and I’m a firm believer
that if something is meant to happen, then against all
odds, it will happen.

So if our story does not end here, I hope I’m still the same
when you’re back.

I hope I don’t lose an inch of respect for you. I hope I

can still admire your qualities whether you’re near or far
and I hope I can still go to you for advice and I hope you
still care.

I hope that when we meet again, we can still look at each

other the way we did before timing and distance got in the
way and I hope that the time we spent apart would help us
realize what we truly meant to each other.

I hope our story is not like all other short stories; I hope our
story is long, full of plot twists, surprises, lessons and I hope
our story has a happy ending.

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I hope we can look back at that time as an intermission,
not an ending. As a cliffhanger, not the end of a show
and I hope we’re meant to go our separate ways so we can
reunite again stronger, wiser and more forgiving.

But if this is the end of our story; if this is all it will ever be,
then I hope that when we meet again, we’re both happy, I
hope we can still wish the best for each other because we
both know how much we struggled to find meaning, to
find love and find ourselves.

If I see you again and I don’t feel a thing, I hope there’s no

bitterness, no resentment, and no sadness. I hope we can
be a reminder of how God sometimes brings two people
together to heal each other and once they’re both healed,
they move on to better and bigger things.

Maybe healing is not the same thing as loving. Maybe other

people heal you so other people can love you. Maybe we all
improve each other for someone else.

But if this is the end of our story, then I want you to know
that you are my favorite chapter, the chapter I will go back
and read when I want to smile and the chapter I will go
back and read when the story gets boring and I hope I’m
your favorite chapter too.

If our story doesn’t have a happy ending, I hope we’re the

chapter that led to it and I hope we are the reason why we
started believing in happy endings again.

But if we are meant for each other, then I hope we’re both
still on the same page when we meet again, that we can
pick up exactly where we left off and keep writing the rest
of our story together.

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LETTER SIXTY-TWO

YO U ’ R E STI LL TH E O N E I WANT TO TALK TO

WH E N M Y LI FE IS FALLI N G APART

You’re still the first person I want to talk to when I hear

bad news, you’re still the only one I want to cry to.

You’re still the only one who can make me feel better
when things go wrong; I don’t know if it’s the sound of
your voice or the words you say so eloquently or just the
way you understand my silence when people struggle to
understand my words.

You’re still the only one capable of making me smile when

my tears are pouring down, you’re still the hand I want to
hold when I can’t even feel mine.

Because it’s always the tough times that reveal to you who you
need the most and it’s no surprise that I need you.

I need you to tell me that it’s going to be okay and if it’s

not, then at least you’re with me.

I can’t do this alone anymore. But with you, there’s noth-

ing I can’t conquer.

You’re still the only one I want to be alone with.

It’s ironic that sometimes we wait for things to go wrong

to know what’s right. It’s ironic that we have to come so
close to losing people or losing ourselves to remember
who we really don’t want to lose.

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You’re still the one I’m afraid of losing.

And today, I surrender.

Today, I need you.

Today, I want to call you and tell you what I’m going
through.

Today, I want you to listen to me.

Because no matter who shows up at my door to comfort

me, I’ll still knock on yours.

If you’re the reckless decision in times of sadness, I want

to be irresponsible.

If you’re the mistake I make because I’m not thinking

clearly, I want to be foolish.

If needing you is wrong, I don’t want to be right.

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LETTER SIXTY-THREE

TO TH E O N E I ’ LL ALWAYS R E M E M B E R

If I never see you again

I hope you know what you meant to me.
I hope you know how much your words
changed me
and how much your stories
touched me.
I hope you know that every night with you
was a life-changing night.
If it wasn’t for you,
I would’ve stayed stuck
alone in the dark.
If it wasn’t for you
I would’ve stayed hidden inside my shell
waiting for someone to crack me open,
but you were able to crack me open
without even trying,
you were able to guide me to the light
without even knowing how dark it was inside.
If I never see you again,
I want you to know
that you were more than just a friend,
that you were a mentor,
that you were someone I looked up to.
Maybe I wanted more
but I think I got exactly what I needed.
You got me out of my darkness

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and maybe that was your role,
maybe you were sent to help me find myself,
maybe you were sent to help me love myself
and maybe you were sent to save me.

If I never see you again

I want to thank you for saving me,
I want to thank you for showing me the light
and I want to thank you for dropping me off
at the right exit
so I can find my own way.

Thank you,
I can take it from here.

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LETTER SIXTY-FOUR

YO U WANT S I LE N CE
AN D I WANT TO TALK ABO UT US

You want silence. You don’t want communication. You

don’t want confrontation.

And I just want to talk about us.

I want to talk about how you felt when you first saw me
and what you told your friends about me.

I want to know what you told your mom when she asked
you who you were with.

I want to know what was on your mind the first night you
texted me and how you felt when I responded.

I want to know if I took your breath way when you saw

me wearing your favorite color and if even for a moment,
you imagined how I’d look in a wedding dress.

I want to tell you about how I felt and how you made me
feel when I first saw you.

I want to tell you about how I didn’t want our conversa-

tion to end and how I was trying so hard not to like you.

I want to tell you what I told my friends about you and

how they all fell in love with the idea of us together.

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But I mainly want to know why—why we ended up
like this.

I want to know how—how we went from wanting to love

each other to breaking each other’s hearts.

I want to talk about us, but now I know why you’re so

quiet. I know why your silence is louder than your words,
it’s because there’s nothing to talk about.

There’s no us.

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LETTER SIXTY-FIVE

I D ECI D E D TO US E ART TO
TE LL YO U H OW I FE E L

Call me weak. Call me a coward. Call me a liar. But I just

can’t tell you how I feel. I tell the world how I feel about
you but for some reason, I can’t tell you.

So I did what I do best and turned you into art.

I turned you into a poem. I turned you into an essay. I

turned you into a book.

I wrote about your features. I told the world about your

smile. I told the world about your eyes. I told the world
about your body and I told the world about your intricacies.

I wrote about our beginning, our time together and I

wrote about our ending.

I wrote everything I should have told you when I had the

chance.

I even traveled far away to forget you but I ended up writ-

ing a whole book about you.

I turned you into art because art is safe.

Art agrees with me.

Art is a good excuse to say it all and then claim that it’s
not real.

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Art is safe because I can always say it’s not about you but
the truth is—it is about you. My art is about you.

Everything is about you.

I write about loving you and call it art.

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LETTER SIXTY-SIX

TO TH E O N E WH O ALWAYS R E ADS
M Y M E SSAG E S B UT DO E S N ’ T R E PLY

I want to text you and tell you that I miss you but then I
stop myself because knowing you, knowing our history, I
don’t know if I’ll get a response. I don’t know if I’ll ever
hear the words I want to hear from you.

That’s how messed up things are these days; it’s normal

to expect someone you care about to ignore a message
with your deepest feelings or even worse, give you a
cold response.

I think this is what makes it so hard to be honest with peo-

ple, the fact that they can hurt you again when they don’t
reciprocate your honesty or when they just read your mes-
sage then put their phones away—put your feelings away.

The fact that someone can shove away your feelings like
they’re nothing or reply with an emoji makes even the
simplest acts such as reaching out complicated.

Because even if you miss me too, will you ever tell me? Or
will it be just another message ‘read’ but not understood?

Read but not felt.

Read but not reciprocated.

Read but ignored.

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LETTER SIXTY-SEVEN

TO TH E G I R L TH E Y ALWAYS PICK

I hope you know how hard I fought for his attention, only
for you to come in and sweep him off his feet.

I hope you know he made me cry so many nights because

he wasn’t making any effort, but now I understand that he
was making you smile instead. He was making the effort
with you, everything I needed from him was given gener-
ously to you.

And maybe I don’t want to ask you how you do it or why

he picked you but I’d like to know if you appreciate it, if you
know how many girls would love to be you, getting his love
and affection.

I hope you know that you broke so many hearts by win-

ning his. I hope you know that every time I see you with
him, I ask myself if you know how lucky you are, if you
know that you’re with a special man—a man I wanted
to love.

You look like the kind of girl who’d break his heart, the
kind of girl who would not understand his scars or his
wounds or even listen to his stories and maybe that’s why
he picked you.

Maybe he picked you because he has never been loved

the way he should have been and so all he knows is a love
that is not real, a love that is not genuine and a love that

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doesn’t last.

So while you have him, cherish every second he couldn’t

give me, appreciate every text he wouldn’t send me, be
fully present on every date he never took me out on and
just try to love every part of him I wanted to love.

Try to kiss his wounds and run your fingers through his
broken heart. Please feel it. Feel it beating for you and
protect it. Protect it from yourself.

I don’t know why he picked you and I don’t know why

you always stand in my way but I hope it’s because when
the right one comes along, you’ll stay far away, you’ll not
be a barrier anymore because even if you were so close, he
won’t see you, you’ll be invisible to him because he’ll only
have eyes for me.

I’ll be the one he picked and the one he’ll always pick no
matter how many girls like you stand in my way. I’ll be you
for a change.

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LETTER SIXTY-EIGHT

I H O PE TH IS TI M E YO U STAY

I hope that when we meet again, the years have changed

you.

I hope you learned what it means to love. To stay. To

stop running.

I hope you found love and lost it, so you know how much
it hurts to lead people on.

I hope you got heartbroken a few times, so you can stop

breaking hearts and try to fix them instead.

I hope you excelled in your career only to realize that it

will never be enough for you.

I hope you traveled the world and saw things that startled
you.

I hope that you had enough lonely nights to realize that

sometimes all you need is someone by your side to get you
through another day.

I hope you’ve done everything you’ve ever wanted to do,

everything you claimed you need to experience before you
settle down, everything that ever stopped you from fully
loving someone else.

155
And I hope this time, when you find me again, you realize
that you’ve been around the world and you met beautiful
people but your heart always searched for me.

I hope this time, you look at me and see what I’ve seen all
along.

I hope this time, you know for sure.

I hope this time, you smile and stay.

156
LETTER SIXTY-NINE

TO TH E O N E I C AN ’ T G E T M YS E LF TO LOVE

I’m sorry I can’t picture us together the way you do.

I’m sorry that every time we hang out you’re on cloud nine
and I’m stoic.

I’m sorry that I break your heart every time I talk about him.

I’m sorry I can’t see you the way I see him.

I’m really sorry.

I know what it’s like to be you. I know what it’s like to be

the one who cares more.

I hope you can move on.

I hope you tell yourself what you tell me. That you de-
serve someone who is sure about you. Someone who
puts you first.

I hope you tell yourself that I’m not the one for you.

I hope you tell yourself that you shouldn’t wait for me

or anyone else.

Life is twisted like that. You want me, I want him and he
wants her.

It sucks though, because while I talk to you about him

and he talks to me about her, you’re probably talking to

157
her about me and we all wish they could just turn around
and see us the way we see them. We all wish it was some-
one else loving us.

And I’m sorry that I know that and I still can’t do any-
thing about it.

I’m sorry I can’t change my heart. I swear I would have

asked it to beat for you.

158
LETTER SEVENTY

TH E TH EO RY O F US

I have a theory. It’s complicated. But you will understand

it because you like complicated things.

It goes something like this: I liked you and you liked me,
then no one did anything about it. Then we did and it fell
apart so we decided not to do it again.

Then I went on and liked other people and did something

about it but they also kept falling apart.

And you went on and liked other people and you broke a
few hearts along the way.

Then I decided I don’t want to fall for anyone again

because it just hurts.

And you decided that there are better things to worry about
in life.

So I focused on myself and became the best person I

could be.

And you focused on yourself, worked hard and made your

parents proud.

Eventually, we’ll meet again and this time, you’ll be the

best version of you and I’ll be the best version of me and
somehow, we’ll magically be the best people for each other.

159
You had to be you and I had to be me so we could be us.

It’s complicated, I know.

And the good news is that you don’t have to believe it or

agree with me because it’s just a theory.

It’s just my theory.

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LETTER SEVENTY- ONE

TO M Y B E ST FR I E N D

Thank you for your loyalty. Thank you for being just as
loyal when I’m not around. Thank you for letting people
know that our friendship is not just another social media
show because it’s real. Thank you for not allowing strang-
ers or people we barely know to get between us or even try.

Thank you for being my voice. Thank you for saying the
words I would’ve said and saying them better. Thank you
for speaking up when you could’ve stayed quiet. Thank
you for not letting my absence change the way you feel
about me.

Thank you for your love. Thank you for being kind to
me even when people are being unkind. Thank you for
reassuring me that you’ll always be there for me no matter
who tries to tear me apart. Thank you for seeing the best
in me even when I don’t even see it in myself.

Thank you for being in my life. Thank you for choosing

to stay in my life, thank you for not being passive when
it comes to me or our friendship. Thank you for keeping
all your promises, for being there during the hard times,
for celebrating the good times, for helping me out when
I’m helpless and for being my voice when I can’t speak.
Thank you for showing me what friendship really is and
thank you for showing everyone else what it means to be
a true friend.

161
Thank you for loving me no matter how the years have
changed me.

Thank you for allowing me to change, for allowing me to

grow and for reassuring me that you’ll always be there for
the good and the bad.

Thank you for everything you’ve done and everything you

still do.

But more than anything, thank you for making me feel

safe in knowing that wherever life takes me, I can always
come back to you. I can always find a home in you.

Thank you for reminding me that even though a lot of

people will break my heart, you never will. Thank you for
giving me the hope I keep looking for in everyone else.

Thank you for being there. Thank you for being present.

Thank you for staying in a world where everyone leaves.

162
LETTER SEVENTY-TWO

I WA S WRO N G ABO UT YO U; YO U ’ R E
N OT TH E G U Y FO R M E

You’re never going to be the one who shows up when I’m

in pain at 3 AM to hold my hand and spoon me with love
and affection. You’re never going to be the one who goes
out of his way to comfort me or stay with me until I fall
asleep. You’re not going to hold me in your arms until you
make sure everything is alright again.

You only know how to be absent. You only know how to make
me feel alone.

You’re never going to be the person who makes me feel

like I’m enough because you’ll always be looking for
something else, curious about someone else because you
think you can do better. You’ll never think I’m the best.

You’re never going to be my Prince Charming. You’re

never going to be the person that’s genuinely proud of me.

You’ll never be the one who cares more or the one who
stays. You’ll never be the one who loves unconditionally
or gives without thinking twice about it. You’ll always be
the one who’s scared, the one who keeps making excuses.

You’ll always be the one who breaks my heart.

You’re never going to be my hero. The one who saves the

day. The one chooses me every day. The one who puts me

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first. The one who understands that loving me may not be
easy but it will be worth it and the one who knows that
life will never be perfect but it’s better when I’m in it.

Maybe I was wrong about wanting you to be in my

story until it ends. Maybe your story ends here. It ends
tonight. It ends with me realizing I deserve the love I’ve
been waiting for. The love I always believed in. The love you
made me forget.

It ends tonight because I want to remember how to be

loved and maybe that’s something you just can’t do. I don’t
want your pain to change me. I want your pain to teach me
how to love harder.

164
LETTER SEVENTY-THREE

TO H I M ( TH E O N E I ’ M WAITI N G FO R)

Some days, I’m mad at you. I’m mad because it’s taking
you too long to show up. I’m mad because I thought you
would come into my life five years ago. I’m mad because
you’re too late. I’m mad because I keep wishing for you
and you seem so far away—so out of reach.

Some days, I find comfort in knowing you exist. You give

me hope. You make me want to work on myself and be-
come the best person I could be for you. All these lonely
nights will make me appreciate your presence even more.
All these heartbreaks will make me value your love even
more. You make me want to keep going when I feel like
giving up. You make me want to live when I feel like dying.

Some nights, I miss you. Why is it taking you so long to

find me? How much longer do I have to wait? Do I know
you? Are you a friend? Are you a stranger? Are you an old
lover? I miss you and I don’t even know who you are. But
you’ve been gone for so long and my life has been so dull
without you. I miss your calls every night and your texts
every morning. I miss your wisdom and your tenderness.
I miss your young spirit and your big heart. I miss your
sense of humor and your chivalry. I miss your love.

Some nights, I feel like giving up. It’s like I can find
anything in the world but I can’t find you. It’s like
you’re that elusive dream I can’t seem to reach. It’s like

165
you’re the one thing I can’t get right. The only one I can
feel but can’t touch.

I worry sometimes that you’re never coming, that I’m just

never going to meet you, that it’s just not in the cards for
me. I fear that it’s always going to be just me against the
world.

I fear that my fairy tale begins and ends with me.

But some days, I can feel it. Your presence. Your touch.
Your smell. Your heart. Your soul. Your face. I can see it all
so clearly. I believe in you more than I believe in anything
in my life. I believe it because I prayed for you. I asked
God for you. I suffered for you. I cried for you. I wrote
for you. I lived for you. I traveled the world for you. And
I can just feel it.

I’ll find you or you’ll find me. It doesn’t matter. As long as

you don’t leave when you do.

And maybe you’re late but the best things in life are worth
waiting for. The best things in life don’t come easily. The
best things in life take time. And I can just feel it.

You’re worth all the time in the world. You’re worth the wait.
You’re worth the tears. You’re worth all the heartbreaks.

Some days, I just know. That you’re the one and when it’s
meant to be, we’ll find each other and we’ll just know.
Because I’ve been waiting all my life for you and you’ve
been dreaming all your life about me.

166
LETTER SEVENTY-FOUR

D E AR GO D,

Dear God, when I run out of patience, please teach me

how to wait and how to be strong while waiting, teach me
how to be happy when I don’t get what I want and teach
me how to let go when you take something away from
me. Teach me how to accept my fate without trying to
turn it around.

Dear God, when I don’t understand your plans, please

try to explain to me why things had to be hard or why I
had to suffer, please reassure me that you have spectacular
plans for me and bigger things waiting for me.

Dear God, when I stop calling your name, when I stop

praying, please don’t hate me for it, find ways to bring me
closer to you again softly and gently.

Dear God, open my heart to you even when it’s break-

ing, let me find the light in the darkness, let me find
hope in despair and let me find you when I feel like
you’re so far away.

Dear God, please don’t let me get attached to what’s not

meant for me. Don’t let me get attached to something or
someone that you plan on taking away from me.

I know your plan is unknown but until you reveal it to

me, please make it easier. Don’t let me hold on to what

167
I need to let go of. Don’t let me fight for what I need to
release. Do not let me desire what will eventually destroy
me. Do not let me love those who will break my heart.

Dear God, please don’t let my heart miss people who don’t
miss me. Don’t let my heart long for the ones who left. Don’t
let my heart fall in love with someone who doesn’t want to
stay.

Please don’t let me get attached to the things that keep

me up at night, to people who leave me wondering and to
places I’m not meant to live in. Bring me closer to what’s
meant for me and give me the courage to walk away from
the things that will only hurt me.

Dear God, please don’t let me invest so much in things or

people I’m bound to lose. Don’t let me want what’s not
mine. Don’t let me build a future around what’s temporary.

And please God, love me through it all. Love me through

the confusion, the tears, the anger and the pain. Love me
because your love heals me.

I have faith in you. I have faith in your kindness, your

mercy, your forgiveness and your sympathy.

I have faith in what you’ve written for me. My story. My

destiny. My maktub.

Dear God, I’m writing the best story I can write for my-
self, but you’re the only one who can complete it. You’re
the only one who can finish it. So with all my heart, I put
all my trust in you and I’m handing you the pen and I’m
ready to go wherever you want to take me.

168
THE LAST ONE

I decided to live for myself.

I decided to be for myself everything I’ve been asking

people to be for me.

I decided to share my story with the world.

I decided to be fearless.

I decided to take the road less traveled.

I decided to be the man of my dreams.

I decided to be the woman I’ve always wanted to be.

I decided to ask for the closure I never got.

I decided to tell people how I feel.

I decided to make peace with rejection and heartbreak.

I decided to try and fail.

I decided to use my voice.

I decided that I’ll either write with honesty or not write

at all.

I decided to love myself.

I decided to try to love my life the way it is.

I decided that as long as I’m alive, I’ll try to make my

days count.

169
I decided to believe in a brighter future.

I decided to forgive myself.

I decided to turn my pain into art.

I decided to write this book so I can start over.

I’ve said everything I’ve been wanting to say to everyone.

And now I need to figure out what I want to tell myself.

What I want my legacy to be.

What message I want to send to the world.

I decided to leave the last letter open-ended—because my

story hasn’t ended.

My story is just beginning.

My story begins now, after I released all that was weighing

me down. After I’ve said all the words I should have said
and written all the letters I should have sent

Now I’m free.

Now I’m reborn.

Now I’m healed and staring at a blank page.

My life has just begun.

170
ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Rania Naim grew up in Cairo, Egypt with more than

just a passion for writing; it was her dream. Rania’s pas-
sion for writing bloomed when she realized that she
wanted to dedicate her time bringing personal stories
to life. Her stories are all inspired by true events and by
everyday conversations. As a writer for Thought Cata-
log, Rania writes about life, love, work and the pursuit
of your best tomorrow.

twitter.com/Ranianaim
instagram.com/ranianaim
facebook.com/Ranianaimpage
ranianaim.com

171
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we are committed to facilitating thought and expression.
We exist to help people become better communicators
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 M O R E P O E TRY FRO M
TH O U G HT C ATALOG BOO KS

All The Words I Should Have Said

—Rania Naim

Your Soul Is A River

—Nikita Gill

Seeds Planted In Concrete

—Bianca Sparacino

This Is For The Women Who Don’t Give A Fuck

—Janne Robinson

BROOKLYN, NY