Dale Carnegie® Digital: Participant Manual

Participant Manual
DALE CARNEGIE® DIGITAL

Presents
Copyright © 2012 Dale Carnegie & Associates, Inc. 290 Motor Parkway Hauppauge, NY 11788
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Table of Contents
Introduction and Program Description
Session 1: The Importance of Attitude and Image ...................................1
Communication Self-Assessment..................................................................2
Passive, Confident, or Aggressive?.................................................................5
Common Communication Styles...................................................................6
Triangle of Success............................................................................................7
Defining Diplomacy and Tact..........................................................................8
Professional Image ...........................................................................................9
Cycle of Professional Success ....................................................................... 10
First Impressions ............................................................................................ 11
Impact of a Message ..................................................................................... 12
Non-verbal Behaviors of Others.................................................................. 13
When We’re Not Face-to-Face ................................................................... 14
Next Steps ....................................................................................................... 14
Session 2: Words + Actions = Credibility ................................................... 15

Being Open to Feedback .............................................................................. 16
Credibility: When Words and Actions Don’t Match ................................ 17
Gaining Trust, Credibility and Respect........................................................ 18
Cultivating Diplomacy and Tact ................................................................... 22
Handling Difficult Situations ......................................................................... 24
Contributing Our Ideas.................................................................................. 25
Six Rules for Disagreeing Agreeably............................................................ 26
Cushioning Our Opinions.............................................................................. 27
Finding Common Ground ............................................................................ 28
Next Steps ....................................................................................................... 29
Session 3: Build Rapport and Positive Relationships .............................. 31

Build Rapport.................................................................................................. 32
Build Positive Relationships – Get an Innerview....................................... 33
The Innerview: Types of Questions ............................................................ 34
Listening Skills Quiz ........................................................................................ 35
Barriers to Listening ....................................................................................... 37
Levels of Listening .......................................................................................... 38
Table of Contents - continued
Empathetic Listening Principles................................................................... 39

Value Diversity................................................................................................ 40
Six Steps to Become Bias-Free..................................................................... 41
The Power of Suggestion.............................................................................. 42
Giving Sincere Appreciation, Praise, and Recognition ............................. 43
Next Steps ....................................................................................................... 45
Session 4: Cultivate Power without Being Intimidating........................ 47

Authority and Power..................................................................................... 48
Nine Ways to Change Behavior without Creating Resentment............ 49
Deal with Difficult Attitudes and Behaviors............................................... 50
When We Need to Gain Agreement: Negotiate and Compromise ..... 52
Giving and Receiving Constructive Feedback ........................................... 54
Constructive Feedback Worksheet ............................................................ 55
Emotional Fitness Assessment .................................................................... 56
Emotional Intelligence................................................................................... 58
Positive versus Negative Emotions ............................................................. 59
Four Quadrants of Emotions ....................................................................... 60
Tips for Effectively Handling Emotions ....................................................... 61
Six Steps to Maintaining Our Cool............................................................... 62
Summary......................................................................................................... 63
Introduction
Program Description
We have all been awed by someone who always seems to know what to say and how to say it in any
situation. These people know how to communicate with diplomacy, tact and confidence. Research
conducted by Mike Poskey at ZERORISK HR indicates that successful leaders employ the emotional
intelligence competencies called “social skills and political correctness.” These abilities have an
important impact on all areas of life.
This program is designed to improve leadership by developing the ability to communicate with
diplomacy and tact. We will be covering five objectives:
Program Objectives
1. Understand how our attitude and image come across to others

2. Increase trust, credibility and respect through words and actions
3. Speak confidently, diplomatically and tactfully in difficult situations
4. Build rapport and strengthen relationships
5. Use emotional controls to sustain success
Program Overview
This program is organized into four sessions that will help you to build confident, professional
communication skills that apply to any personal or business situation.
Session 1: The Importance of Attitude and Image – how our attitudes and image appear to others
and what we can do to improve both
Session 2: Words + Actions = Credibility – how to increase trust, credibility and respect through the
use of appropriate words and actions
Session 3: Build Rapport and Positive Relationships – how to build rapport and strengthen
relationships along with being a better listener and honoring diversity
Session 4: Cultivate Power without Being Intimidating – how to effectively use emotional control
to sustain our success
Session 1:
The Importance of
Attitude and Image
Learning Objectives
At the completion of this session, you will be
able to:
 Assess your communication

skills and style
 Recognize how our attitude affects image
 Discover where you are on the professional image scale and how to use it
 Analyze and use the professional success cycle
 Explore factors that create impressions and image
“I have a rule that I never treat anybody any

different than I’d want to be treated myself. And I
think that’s really important. Take a little time to say,
‘How would I want to be treated in this situation?’ If
you do something the way you want to be treated,
you’ll do it the right way 99% of the time.”
—Gerry Faust
DALE CARNEGIE® DIGITAL |1

Communication Self-Assessment
Instructions: Select the response that most closely matches the way you would respond to the situation.
1. A colleague of yours, in a fun way, gives your boss the impression that you spend too much
time on personal business.
a. You say nothing to your colleague.
b. You tell your colleague that you know he was only kidding but you would appreciate it if he
would not do this again.
c. You make a point to tell the boss that this colleague left early on Tuesday to go play golf.
2. A customer tells you how disappointed she is that you did not return the message she left with
a colleague. You realize you never got the message.
a. You apologize to the customer and say nothing to your colleague.
b. You let your colleague save face by telling him you spoke to the client. You understand how
the message might have fallen through the cracks given how busy he is.
c. You tell your colleague that this is unacceptable and it better not happen again.
3. Your manager/supervisor/boss gives you a less than average review that surprises you.
a. You go home and vent to family and friends.
b. You calmly discuss the review and ask for clarification. You come up with an action plan
and incremental review times so you are not caught off-guard again.
c. You storm out of the office and tell your colleague how unfair your boss is
4. One of your team members puts a picture on Facebook of himself inappropriately dressed.
a. You don’t say anything except behind his back.
b. You hold a private conversation with this person and explain your concern for his
reputation, assuring him that you know he did not intend to make a bad impression.
c. You tell this person, in a meeting, that you think posting the picture is unacceptable.
5. You are berated in a meeting for being late. The reason you are late is that you lost your
internet connection and didn’t realize it until just a minute or two before the meeting started.
a. You take the blame.
b. You apologize for the disruption, briefly explain the situation, and commit to checking in
earlier, particularly on days of important meetings.
c. You insist this is not your fault.
6. You submitted an expense report and it seems like it is taking an unusually long time to receive
reimbursement.
a. You do nothing and just wait.
b. You call your manager and ask what you can do to make sure it was received, if there is
additional information needed, and when you might expect it.
c. You tell your co-workers and accuse the company of trying to rip you off.
Please continue on next page…
2|How to Communicate with Diplomacy and Tact

Communication Self-Assessment - continued
7. The company has announced that bonuses will be given out today, and later that day a
colleague asks you how much yours was.
a. You tell her even though you know you should not.
b. You tell her you are uncomfortable sharing this because it is supposed to be kept
confidential.
c. You tell her than asking this question is very unprofessional.
8. You catch a typographical error on a letter that your team member has sent to a client.
a. You ignore it – it’s just a little one and the customer probably won’t notice.
b. You bring the mistake to your team member’s attention and suggest that she corrects it
and resends.
c. You tell your team member that there is no excuse for these types of mistakes.
9. A vital member of your team has called in sick every Friday for the past three weeks.
a. You don’t say anything and continue to cover for him.
b. You hold a private meeting with him on Monday morning, show concern for his pattern,
and ask for input on a solution.
c. You tell him that this looks very suspicious and he better not do it again.
10. A person in your office tells an inappropriate joke in an email.
a. You delete it immediately.
b. You contact this person privately and tell her that you know she didn’t mean to offend
anyone but she should be more sensitive and professional in such a diverse environment.
c. You send back a response to all letting her know that this was completely inappropriate.
Notes

Communication Self-Assessment Scoring
Two or more “A” responses: You may have a tendency to interact timidly or passively with others
Two or more “C” responses: You might have a tendency to be aggressive or combative in your
communications with others
The more “B” responses you have, the greater indication that you have a confident and assertive
interpersonal style.
My Observations
What patterns emerge from your results?
What conclusions can I make from my results?
Who else can I gain feedback from regarding my communication style?

Passive, Confident, or Aggressive?
Most of us appreciate boldness and confidence as long as it is not communicated with insensitivity.
Confident communication is a human relations approach that combines strength and sensitivity.
Passive Confident Aggressive

Concerned about others to the Will stand up for own rights,
Self-centered
point of personal detriment while sensitive to others
Stressed internally, though it Deals with stressful situation Often is stressed and
may not show and moves on stresses others
Often manifested as a result of Often manifested as a result
Requires a strong self-image
poor self-esteem of poor self-esteem
Indirect and often not honest Direct, honest, appropriate Direct to a point of
with self communication inappropriateness
Often liked, but may not be
Often respected by others May not be liked or respected
respected
Builds others up even at
Builds others up Puts others down
own expense
Feels a need to control
Willing to take personal
Holds him/herself accountable, everything and everyone—
responsibility for own actions
but not others holds others accountable,
and hold others accountable
but not self
Tends to lead by example,
Avoids confrontation—often Seeks confrontation—forces
does not seek nor avoid
overly apologetic others to follow
confrontation
Strict guidelines for self,
Flexible with guidelines Restrictive
but not others
Reserved, indirect, restrained Open, yet sensitive, polite Verbally abrasive
Extremely direct—forces
Avoids expressing feelings Direct, but considerate feelings, thoughts, and ideas
on others
Wishes Asks Demands

Common Communication Styles
Research on communication styles will commonly place people into one of four categories:
Friendly
Casual, amiable, relationship-focused, helpful, warm, from the heart; likes positive feedback
Analytical
Formal, methodical, systematic, logical, data-oriented; seeks answers, details, and solutions; likes
evidence
Excitable
Demonstrative, expressive, uses gestures, paints the big picture, and likes to hear what’s in it for them
Dominating
Efficient, focuses on goals and objectives, strong viewpoints and opinions, decisive, likes to be
presented with options
Adapting Our Style

When facing conflict, adapt your style to the person you are speaking with to put him/her at ease.
Diplomatic and tactful communicators will:
 Establish rapport based on the style in which the other person communicates
 Spend time on what is comfortable for the individual
 Use pacing and appropriate language that suits the other person’s style
 Be conscious of time based on the other person’s style
 Adopt a friendly style

Triangle of Success
85% Skills and Attitude

15% Knowledge
KNOWLEDGE
Notes

Defining Diplomacy and Tact
Diplomacy:
Tact:
People who are diplomatic and tactful possess these qualities

Professional Image
How people perceive us plays a big part in our ability to communicate effectively with, and influence
them. Showing a lack of professionalism may cause others to perceive us as aloof and too casual. Excessive
professionalism may give the appearance that we are too rigid or unapproachable.
Reflect on what type of image you would like to portray. What will it take for you to achieve this?
In the left column below, write in several words that describe your desired image. Next in the right column, write
in some of the behaviors you will have to demonstrate so that others perceive you as desired.
Professional Image Scale

Sincere
Professional
Image Behavior

Cycle of Professional Success
Notes
10 | H o w t o C o m m u n i c a t e w i t h D i p l o m a c y a n d T a c t
First Impressions
Why is it important to make a positive impression?
How long does a first impression last?
What goes into making a first impression?
What could be some of our blind spots?
Contributing Factors to First Impressions

 How we look
 How we act
 What we say
 How we say it
D A L E C A R N E G I E ® D I G I T A L | 11
Impact of a Message
Albert Mehrabian, PhD and UCLA Professor conducted a 10 year study of nonverbal communication. He
found that when words disagree, or are incongruent with the tone of voice or non-verbal actions, we
tend to believe the non-verbal behavior (or visual cues).
Non-verbal Cues
Attitude 1: Non-verbal cues / behaviors associated with this:
Non-verbal Behaviors of Others
Negative Body Language Positive Body Language

 Shifting eyes/looking down  Maintains eye contact
 Tense body  Arms relaxed
 Arms folded in front  Relaxed posture
 Fidgeting  Nodding agreement
 Arms behind head,  Taking notes

leaning back
 Smiling / good humor
 Looking around
 Leaning close
 Leaning away
 Warm gestures
What positive non-verbal and verbal messages will I commit to using over the next week?
When We’re not Face-to-Face
What other social media or virtual meeting communication tools do you use?
How can you make sure you are making the right impression?
What are some of the things you can do to make sure your communication is diplomatic and tactful
when you are not face to face?
Next Steps
 Get feedback from two people about your communication style
 Ask for feedback about body language and non-verbal cues you demonstrate
 Be prepared with a statement next time about what you learned from the feedback
 Create or enhance your LinkedIn profile to build your image
Session Two:
Words + Actions =
Credibility
Learning Objectives
At the completion of this session, you
will be able to:
 Use diplomacy and

tact to deal effectively with difficult situations
 Apply tools to earn trust, credibility, and respect
 Explore ways to disagree agreeably and find common ground
“Some say knowledge is power, but that

is not true. Character is power.”
—Sathya Sai Baba
Being Open to Feedback
A challenging aspect of maintaining a professional image and handling any situation with diplomacy
and tact is developing our ability to see ourselves as others see us. We are often more critical of
ourselves than other people are of us. We are also often unaware of negative behaviors that may have
an impact on others that we need to correct.
Ways to gain a more accurate view of ourselves:
 Watch or listen to ourselves on video
 Look carefully in the mirror
 Ask trusted colleagues for honest input (multiple sources)
 Monitor others’ reactions to us
Cast yourself in the role of coach and mentor. Become more conscious of the impressions you are
forming about others and try to isolate your behaviors that contribute to their perceptions of you.
Practice sharing your observations in a diplomatic, tactful and constructive way.
Report Back
Reflecting on your commitment to apply some of the concepts from the previous session, and the
feedback you received over the past week on your communication style, write a brief statement to
report your insights to the group.
Credibility: When Words and Actions Don’t Match
Credibility is an often overused word these days and unfortunately misused. We’ll hear from a reporter quoting a
“credible source” that some event has occurred, only to find out later that the “credible source” was in on a scam.
How often do we question the credibility of a job applicant? We rely on a resume for honest information about
employment history, experience and education, but do we validate it?
Can we really build credibility? Why or why not?
Who is one person that you find credible? What words or actions from him/her lead you to believe this?
What recent examples show a mismatch between words and actions causing you to question someone’s
credibility?
In the News At Work At Home or with Friends
Gaining Trust, Credibility, and Respect
People I trust, respect and view as credible Reasons / Qualities
Gaining Trust, Credibility, and Respect Principles
1. Take others’ interests to heart—ask questions, learn what motivates them, and help them to
learn and grow.
2. Listen sincerely—with your ears, eyes, and heart—and without prejudice and judgment.
3. Honor and find merit in differences of opinion, biases, and diversity.
4. Involve others in decisions; display an open and accepting attitude, and be receptive to new
ideas.
5. Be willing to negotiate and compromise, and be a mediator between others who have different
points of view.
6. Think before speaking. Consider the audience, relationship, and environment when choosing
your words and actions.
7. Use inclusive language and communicate with diplomacy, tact, and sensitivity.
8. Speak confidently, decisively, and with authority, and offer evidence when stating opinions.
9. Stand up for your beliefs and important non-negotiable values.
10. Be a modest expert and be willing to defer to another’s expertise.
11. Be reliable, keep confidences, fulfill promises, and keep commitments.
12. Refrain from mood swings. Act consistently, rationally, fairly, honestly, and ethically.
13. Be a stellar role model—act professionally and always walk the talk.
14. Demonstrate trust in others—reveal your own thoughts and feelings frankly and openly.
15. Be authentic—demonstrate congruency between your words and actions.
16. Be approachable and available as a resource.
17. Be realistic when communicating goals and outcomes.
18. Accept responsibility and admit mistakes, downfalls, and disadvantages.
19. Deal directly with others. Do not partake in gossip and never talk behind someone’s back.
20. Share the glory—give others credit for accomplishments.
Gaining Trust, Credibility, and Respect Worksheet
A. Identify key people in your life with whom you need to gain trust, credibility, and/or respect.
B. On a scale from 1-10, grade the level of trust, credibility, and respect you have built with each.
C. Prioritize the top three people you will focus on first in building trust, credibility and respect.
Name His or Her Trust, Credibility, Priority

and Respect Level in You
For Your Three Top Priorities
Name 1:
What leads you to believe that there is a lack of trust, credibility, and respect?
Why is it important that you build trust, credibility, and respect with this person?
Which principle(s) will you apply to build trust, credibility, and respect?
Name 2:
Gaining Trust, Credibility, and Respect Worksheet
- continued
Name 3:
Notes
Cultivating Diplomacy and Tact
The way in which we communicate can elicit positive or negative emotions. If we communicate
aggressively, without respect or sensitivity, defensive and angry emotions can prevent others from
hearing the message we are trying to convey. Communicating with diplomacy and tact is an approach
that combines strength and sensitivity and keeps negative emotions at bay.
What we want to convey… A diplomatic and tactful way to say it

There were several mistakes in your report
Your presentation was confusing
I don’t agree with your decision
You need additional training in this area
You don’t understand what I’m saying
This is a waste of time
Cultivating Diplomacy and Tact - continued
Responding to Difficult Situations
A question I am often asked to which I want to A diplomatic and tactful way to respond could be:
reply, “No:”
A question I’m often asked that would prompt me A diplomatic and tactful way to respond could be:
to say, “I don’t know:”
A difficult question I am often asked is: A diplomatic and tactful way to respond could be:
A difficult situation in which I sometimes find A diplomatic and tactful way to handle this
myself is: situation could be:
Handling Difficult Situations
Tips for structuring a conversation during pressure situations:
 Find the positive before responding, then respond by saying:
 “The positive about __________ is __________.
 And, yes it is correct that __________.
 And, by the way, let me say that __________.”
Notes on Difficult Situation Scenarios
Contribute Our Ideas
We often find ourselves in situations at work when we need to be prepared to speak on-the-spot
about a specific topic. Reflect on the topics that tend to throw you off guard. On what topics might you
be expected to contribute your thoughts or ideas, and you want to feel better prepared?
Challenging or Impromptu Topics
Topic Why?
Six Rules for Disagreeing Agreeably
1. Give others the benefit of the doubt. Maybe the person who made that outrageous
generalization isn’t really insensitive. Maybe he has had a painful experience that made him
overreact.
2. After giving someone the benefit of the doubt, listen to learn and truly understand why the
person holds this belief. We must let her know we’ve heard her and that we are genuinely trying
to see things from her perspective.
3. When disagreeing with someone, always take responsibility for your own feelings. Make a
commitment to respond using “I” statements only. When we begin with “you” we come off as
blaming and confrontational and immediately put the other person on the defensive. This
reduces the chance of our point of view being heard.
4. Use a cushion. Connect or “cushion” a different opinion, starting with “I hear what you’re saying
...” or “I appreciate your view on ...” Begin with the word “I” and not “You said ...” or it will
sound confrontational.
5. Eliminate the word “but” or “however” from your vocabulary. Once you have cushioned the
other person’s opinion, use “and,” or pause and say nothing, following the cushion.
Acknowledging the individual’s point of view followed by a “but” or “however” erases the
acknowledgement.
6. State your point of view or opinion with relevant and factual evidence. Keep emotions out of the
equation by using the following:
Cushioning Our Opinions
When opinions differ, use cushions to “soften the blow” such as:
• “I hear what you are saying ...”

• “I appreciate what you are saying ...”
Important: Never follow cushions with the following words:
• But
• However
• Nevertheless
• Yet
Instead, use:
• And
• A short pause
Then, contribute your idea or opinion beginning with:
• “Let’s also discuss ...”

• “How about this angle ...”
• “What would happen if ...”
• “Have you ever thought about ...”
• “Compare that idea with this idea ...”
Finding Common Ground
When opinions differ, a mediator may be the solution to find common ground. A mediator might
facilitate discussion by saying, “That’s an interesting perspective.”
 “I never thought about it that way.”
 “How did you come to think of it that way?”
 “Isn’t it interesting that you both agree on ...”
 “A solution might be ...”
Group Activity
Instructions:
 Work in groups of three: assign two
opinion givers and one mediator
 Select a controversial topic with
opposing views OR one of your difficult
work situations
 Using your selected topic, discuss
opposing opinions, with mediator
facilitating discussion using appropriate
cushions when needed
 Prepare to share your insights in large group debrief.
Notes
Next Steps
My commitment to apply this week:
Look for one blog or online news article with a strong opinion. Examine it for diplomacy and tact. (Keep
the URL as reference for next session.)
 What is the stated opinion, and could it have been stated differently with more diplomacy and tact?
 What impression did it leave?
“Our similarities bring us to a common ground;

our differences allow us to be fascinated by
each other.”
—Tom Robbins
Notes
Session 3: Build Rapport
and Positive Relationships
Learning Objectives
At the completion of this session, you will be able to:
 Identify ways to establish rapport

and build positive relationships
 Assess your listening skills and

become a better listener
 Recognize specific ways to honor diversity and eliminate bias
 Practice a tool for giving sincere praise and recognition
“To be agreeable, all that is necessary is to take

an interest in other persons and in other things,
to recognize that other people as a rule are
much like one’s self, and thankfully to admit
that diversity is a glorious feature of life.”
—Frank Swinnerton
Build Rapport
Business situations often call for meeting new people and quickly establishing a connection so that each
party can accomplish their goals. Before we can do that, we have to connect with the other person on a
more basic level. So, how do you establish rapport?
What has worked for you in the past?
What are some of the opportunities we have for engaging in small talk?
What are the questions we can ask without seeming intrusive?
What should I remember about my/the other person’s communication style?

(Friendly – Analytical – Excitable – Dominating)
Not-So-Small Talk: Tips for Building Rapport
 Be friendly and smile.

 Be genuine in your initial pleasantries.
 Remember and use the person’s name.
 Make a connection with the other person by observing his or her traits, values or
achievements.
 Establish common ground.
 Show respect for the other person’s time.
 Be sensitive to issues of diversity and avoid controversial subjects.
 Demonstrate a sincere desire to learn about the person by asking thoughtful questions.
 Be a good listener. Stay in the moment and focus on what the person is saying.
 Be a resource. Ask how you can help him or her.
 Talk in terms of the other person’s interests.
 Tell him or her something of interest that he or she might not already know.
 Surprise him or her with something meaningful such as a small gift or book.
 Give sincere praise or a genuine compliment with evidence.
Build Positive Relationships – Get an Innerview
The Innerview: Types of Questions
Factual Questions are typically conversational in nature and revolve around factual information.
Examples
 Where did you grow up?
 What kind of activities were you involved in as a kid?
 Where did you go to school? What did you major in?
 What did you do when you graduated?
 How long have you worked here?
 Tell me about your family.
 What do you do for recreation?
Causative Questions determine the motives or causative factors behind some of the answers to the
“factual questions.” These are typically “why” and “what” questions.
Examples
 Why did you pick that particular school?

 What caused you to major in …?
 What caused you to pursue this profession?
 How did you happen to come to work for this company?
 How did you get involved with that particular hobby?
Value-Based Questions help determine a person’s value system. They are designed to help a leader
understand the “worth” that his or her team members place on things. These are questions that people
are probably rarely asked but give a greater view of the inner person.
Examples
 Tell me about a person that had a major impact on your life.
 If you had it to do over again, what, if anything, would you do differently?
 As you look back over your life, tell me about a turning point.
 It is obvious from our discussions that you have made many accomplishments. Tell me
about something that you look back on as a “high point” or a point of pride.
 You have probably also gone through some tough times. Tell me about a time that was
particularly low for you emotionally or physically. What got you through that low point?
 What words of wisdom would you give a young person (a young relative) if he or she sought
your advice? How would you sum up your personal philosophy to him or her in a sentence
or two?
Listening Skills Quiz
Always Usually Occasionally Rarely
1. I find that people need to repeat information to me.

2. I experience incidents of miscommunication more than others.
3. I tend to tune people out if their delivery is slow or material is dry.
4. I find myself finishing sentences for others.
5. I notice that customers voice frustrations with me regarding lack of
follow-up or unmet expectations.
6. I steer others away from what they are saying with my comments.
7. I tend to multi-task when I am listening to other people.
8. I feel uncomfortable asking for clarification from the speaker.
9. When someone comes to me with a problem, I want to fix it or give
advice.
10. I fake paying attention.
11. I form a response in my mind before the speaker finishes.
12. I need to take notes to remember what is being said.
13. I make assumptions based on the appearance of the speaker.
14. I am easily distracted when someone is speaking to me.
15. I tend to do most of the talking in conversations.
16. I ask questions that indicate I was not listening.
17. I display an open and accepting attitude toward the speaker.
18. I am in the loop on important communications at work.
19. When someone approaches me with a question, I stop what I am doing
and give them my complete attention.
20. I concentrate on what is being said, even if it’s of little interest to me.
21. I listen to the other person’s point of view, even if I disagree.
22. I maintain eye contact with the person speaking.
23. I try to understand the point of view of those who disagree with me.
24. I can briefly and accurately summarize what someone else said.
25. I give the other person a chance to explain fully before responding.
26. I observe the speaker for nonverbal cues.
27. I am open to criticism.
28. I give verbal or nonverbal encouragement to the speaker.
29. I check to ensure I have interpreted the speaker’s message correctly.
30. I try to “be with” the speaker by putting myself in his/her shoes.
Listening Skills Quiz - continued
Scoring
Questions 1-16
 1 point Always
 2 points Usually
 3 points Occasionally
 4 points Rarely
Questions 17-30
 4 points Always
 3 points Usually
 2 points Occasionally
 1 point Rarely
Results
105 – 120 You are a skilled listener. Obtain a second opinion to make sure you have an accurate
perception of your listening skills.
95 – 104 Listening is a top priority for you.
85 – 94 You listen when it’s convenient for you.
75 – 84 You are an occasional listener.
Below 75 You are brutally honest and have great potential for improvement.
Barriers to Listening
Think of a person with whom you have difficulty communicating. What stands in your way? How are
the two of you different? Chances are these factors are acting as filters, preventing the real message
from getting through.
Internal Filters External Filters
Levels of Listening
Notes
When have you observed that listening, or the lack of listening on the part of the key parties has
impacted a successful outcome?
Empathetic Listening Principles
1. Maintain eye contact with the person talking.
2. Be sensitive to what is not being said. Observe body language for incongruent messages.
3. Practice patience. Do not interrupt, finish the speaker’s sentence, or change the subject.
4. Listen empathetically and listen to understand. Pretend there will be a quiz at the end.
5. Clarify any uncertainties after he or she has spoken. Make sure you understood what was said
by rephrasing what you heard.
6. Don’t jump to conclusions or make assumptions. Keep an open and accepting attitude.
7. Practice pure listening. Remove all distractions and minimize internal and external filters.
8. Turn off your mind and “be with” the speaker. Try to see things from his or her perspective.
Value Diversity
Consider:
When have you felt offended or alienated by someone else’s remarks at work?
Think of a time you felt important to a group. Was it because of knowledge, skill, attitude, or something
else?
What knowledge is needed to work effectively on a virtual team with members located in multiple
countries?
What skills are needed when each member of a team uses different technology than others on the
team, and they all need to communicate?
What attitudes are needed to work on a cross-generational team where the age range is 22-55?
What diversity challenges do you anticipate in the future at your workplace?
Six Steps to Become Bias-Free
Notes
The Power of Suggestion
This excerpt was originally published in 1911 by O.S. Marden, and illustrates the fact that our words can
have significant influence on those we lead or those with whom we come in contact.
We little realize how much suggestion has to do with health. In innumerable instances people have been
made seriously ill, sometimes fatally so, by others telling them how badly they looked, or suggesting that
they exhibit symptoms associated with a dreaded disease.
A prominent New York business man recently told me of an experiment which the friends of a robust
young man made upon him. It was arranged that beginning in the morning, each one should tell him
when he came to work, that he was not looking well. They did this subtly, in a way that would not make
the man suspicious. At one o’clock this vigorous young man had been so influenced by the suggestion,
he quit work and went home ill—thoroughly convinced he must be sick.
To be sure, we are under the influence of suggestion every moment of our waking lives. Everything we
see, hear, and feel is a suggestion which produces a result corresponding to its own nature. Its subtle
power seems to reach and affect the very springs of life. It is almost impossible for a patient to get well
while people are constantly reminding him how ill he looks. What people need is encouragement, uplift
and hope!
Instead of telling a friend in trouble that you feel sorry for him, try to pull him and help to restore his
energy and reserves. Help the friend picture his ideal image, his better self. The suggestion which comes
from an enthusiastic and optimistic person can move mountains. Many a life has been stirred and
inspired by only a few moments of positive conversation. Many men and women have made their place
in history, largely because their ambition was aroused by suggestion: some book or some individual who
gave them the first glimpse of their possibility and potential, and enabled them to feel for the first time
a thrill of the power within them.
As leaders, we all can identify others throughout our careers that have helped us along our journey.
Take the extra step each day to provide an
employee with words of encouragement
and support. If you have an employee who
is still not quite producing to the level you
expect, recognize that employee for the
effort they are putting forth and for any
incremental improvement. Your words are
powerful. Because your employees look to
you for leadership, understand that your
words have the potential to either inspire
the heart or dash the dreams of those who
seek your approval.
*Used by permission from Leadership Tools,
www.leadership-tools.com
Giving Sincere Appreciation, Praise, and
Recognition
Why does sharing appreciation matter?
Why we might hesitate to express appreciation?
What was the best expression of appreciation or recognition you ever received?
Where (specific situations) can I give more appreciation, praise, or recognition?
The Formula
1. Tell them what you admire
2. Explain why you said that (evidence)
3. Ask a question to get them talking
A P
Accomplishments, Personality traits,
achievements, qualities,
successes strengths
Giving Sincere Appreciation, Praise, and
Recognition - continued
Name
What you admire

about him / her
(What earned
him/her the
recognition?)
Evidence you have
to support this
Question to get the

recipient talking
When and how you

will tell him/her
Recognition Reminders
 Put it on your to-do list

 Keep a watchful eye on the positive in people
 Use voice mail
 Keep note cards on your desk
 Make a goal to praise at least three people a day
Feedback Challenge
Two people (business) and one person (friends and family) to whom you will give appreciation
1.
2.
3.
Next Steps
Before the next session, complete the following:
Conduct an Innerview with at least 2 people. Be prepared to share a short statement about who you got
to know better.
Practice your listening skills. Which principle will you apply? How will you measure whether or not it is
working?
Use the recognition-giving formula to give praise and recognition to 2 – 3 people
Notes
Session 4: Cultivate
Power without Being
Intimidating
Learning Objectives
At the completion of this session, you will be able
to:
 Differentiate between power and authority
 Turn negative behavior into positive energy without resentment
 Identify and discuss ways that negotiation and compromise can create win-win
results
 Practice giving and receiving constructive feedback
 Explore how your emotions impact those around you
 Use a six-step process to help deal with emotions more effectively and maintain
your cool under pressure
“Authority and power are two different things: power

is the force by means of which you can oblige others
to obey you. Authority is the right to direct and
command, to be listened to or obeyed by others.
Authority requests power. Power without authority is
tyranny.”
—Jacques Maritain
Authority and Power
Definitions
Authority: The ability to get people to do something willingly because of our personal
qualities and personal influence.
The power to influence or persuade resulting from knowledge, experience,

status, or position. Example: the authority of a president
Confidence derived from experience or practice; firm self-assurance.

Example: a musician played the sonata with authority.
Power The ability to force or coerce someone to do something, even if he or she

would choose not to, because of a position, status, or strength.
Authority Originates From…

Personal Qualities Status
Communication Skills Credentials
Values Qualifications
Charisma Position
Nine Ways to Change Behavior without Creating
Resentment
1. Begin with praise and honest appreciation.
2. Call attention to people’s mistakes indirectly.
3. Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other

person.
4. Ask questions instead of giving direct orders.
5. Let the other person save face.
6. Praise the slightest improvement and praise every

improvement. Be “hearty in your approbation and lavish in your
praise.”
7. Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to.
8. Use encouragement. Make the fault seem easy to correct.
9. Make the other person happy about doing the thing you
suggest.
Deal with Difficult Attitudes and Behaviors
Type What they might say Principles to

apply
Nay-Sayers: are habitually negative and hae a  That will never work.
pessimestic view of the world. They may
come across as grouchy, angry, arrogant,  You’ve got to be kidding!
depressed and frustrated. They may complain  Want to bet?
often and criticize others.
Immovables: a.k.a bullies, will resist change  We tried that already.

either outwardly by being combative, or
passive aggressively. They may agree to the  Management doesn’t know what it’s
change in publice but sabotage the effort like.
behind the scenes.  Sure I’m on board, but nothing’s
going to change.
Nine-to-Fivers: work no more than their  That is not my job.

required hours and are quick to tell you that
something is not their job. They do the  I don’t have time to do that.
minimum to get by. Their lack of motivation is  It’s time for me to go.
easily perceived as negative.
 It isn’t important to me.
Gossipers: find joy by being in everyone’s  Did you hear what John did
business, creating diversions, and spreading yesterday?
rumors. They may say one thing to your face
and another behind your back. Pettiness can  I saw him searching personal
be a sign of loneliness and work may be an information on the internet.
only source of interaction.  That’s not what Sara told me.
Violinists: have a “woe is me” attitude. They  I get all the hard jobs
may stay late, do extra work, then complain
about the workload. They consistently whine  I was here until 9:00 p.m. last night
about how busy they are and how other trying to straighten this out.
things take priority over what you need them  I don’t know when I’ll be able to get
to focus on. to this, I have three other projects.
Blamers: are quick to point the finger at  I got those numbers from someone
anyone but themselves when mistakes occur. else.
They always have an answer why they are not
accountable for errors and can be expert at  I was told that this was not a high
making excuses or procrastinating. priority.
Deal with Difficult Attitudes and Behaviors -
continued
Type What they might say Principles to
apply
Silent Sams: are reluctant to contribute, get  Just tell me what you want me to do.
involved, or share anything about themselves.
Whether they are shy or simply do not trust  Whatever you think is fine.
others, they may come across as judgmental
or may appear to be better than everyone
else.
One Uppers: no matter what you’ve said,  I was top salesperson in my last job.
done, or achieved, this person has one-up on
you. These know-it-alls are often self-  Let me show you a better way to do
absorbed and think very highly of themselves. that.
They are typically poor listeners because
while you are talking, they are thinking about
how they can top your story or achievement.
Insensitives: an insensitive individual is  Your report makes no sense at all.

“clueless” when it comes to diplomacy and
tact. He will consistently stick his foot in his  (Tells an inappropriate joke)
mouth, is politically incorrect, does not value
diversity, and seems aggressive in
communications.
Which attitude types (for you personally) are the most difficult to deal with?
Record the principle numbers you may want to apply when dealing with each of these attitudes.
When We Need to Gain Agreement: Negotiate and
Compromise
Negotiating is the process of gaining agreement on a solution. Compromising, or settling on a mutually

agreeable solution, is the result of successful negotiations. Compromise is all about being flexible. We
can continue to generate possible solutions even when we think we have explored all options. Being
able to negotiate and compromise, even when others are reluctant to do so is critical to our success.
1. Have a positive attitude. Our attitude is essential to the outcome. We have a better chance
of mutual gain if we approach a negotiation as an opportunity to learn and achieve a win-
win outcome.
2. Meet on mutual ground. Find a mutually agreeable and convenient physical space to meet
that is comfortable for all. Agree on when you will meet and how much time you will
devote to the process. If possible, deal with negotiations face-to-face. Be careful about
negotiating over the phone or e-mail. A lack of facial expressions, vocal intonation, and
other cues can result in a negotiation breakdown.
3. Clearly define and agree on the issue. Agree on a statement of the issue using simple and
factual terms. If the situation is multifaceted, search for ways to slice the large issue into
smaller pieces and deal with one at a time.
4. Do your homework. Take time to plan. Know what is at stake for us and the other side’s
concerns and motivation. Take into consideration any history or past situations that might
affect the negotiations. Know the must-haves (nonnegotiable items) and nice-to-haves
(negotiable items). Determine the best resolution, a fair and reasonable compromise, and a
minimally acceptable deal.
5. Take an honest inventory of yourself. Determine your level of trust in the other person and
the process. Be conscious of aspects of your personality that can help or hinder the process.
6. Look for shared interests. Get on the same side by finding similarities. Conflict tends to
magnify perceived differences and minimize similarities, so look for common goals,
objectives, or even gripes that show you are in this together. Focus on the future, talk
about what is to be done and tackle the problem jointly.
7. Deal with facts, not emotions. Address problems, not personalities. Avoid any tendency to
attack the other person or to pass judgment. Avoid focusing on the past or blaming the
other person. Maintain a rational, goal-oriented frame of mind. This will depersonalize the
conflict, separate issues from the people involved, and minimize defensiveness.
When We Need to Gain Agreement: Negotiate and
Compromise - continued
8. Be honest. Don’t play games. Be honest and clear about what is important to you. Be clear
and communicate why your goals, issues, and objectives are important.
9. Present alternatives and provide evidence. Create options and alternatives that
demonstrate willingness to compromise. Consider conceding in areas that might have high
value to the other person but are not that important to you. Frame options in terms of the
other person’s interests and provide evidence for your point of view.
10. Be an expert communicator. Ask questions, listen, rephrase what you heard to check for
understanding, and take a genuine interest in the other side’s concerns. Reduce tension
through humor, let the other person vent, and acknowledge other viewpoints. Focus less on
your position and more on ways you can move toward resolution or compromise.
11. End on a good note. Make a win-win proposal and check to see that everyone involved
leaves feeling that they have “won.” Shake on it, agree on action steps, responsibilities for
each step, how success will be measured, and how/when the decisions will be evaluated.
Agree to disagree on non-critical issues.
12. Enjoy the process. Look at the benefits of learning other people’s points of view. People
report that after overcoming conflict when they have reached an agreement, the
relationship grew even stronger. Reflect and learn from each negotiation. Determine the
criteria to evaluate the process and the solution.
Negotiation Reflection Questions

You and your family are planning a big trip. Who influences the decision? Who makes the final
decision? How does the negotiation process go?
Think about a successful business negotiation you have

experienced. What happened and why was it successful?
What negotiation challenges have you experienced?

What steps or principles could have helped you?
Giving and Receiving Constructive Feedback
Give Constructive Feedback

1. Get all the facts. What is the oddest feedback you
2. Address the situation promptly and privately. have ever received? What did you
do as a result of it?
3. Focus on the act or behavior, not the person.
4. Give the person a genuine compliment first.
5. First empathize then criticize. Reveal your own similar

mistakes, and tell him/her what you did to correct them.
6. Check your intentions.
7. Use your human relations skills. Do not order; instead ask

questions and make suggestions.
8. Show the benefit of changing the behavior.
9. End on a friendly note and agree on how to move forward.
Receiving Constructive Feedback

1. Stay calm and hear the person out.
2. Confirm your understanding of the situation.
3. Be open to self-improvement and change.

What is the clearest, most 4. Trust that the person giving the feedback has good
specific, or best feedback you intentions.
ever received? Why?
5. Do not react defensively.
6. Don’t offer excuses; just provide facts.
7. Thank the person for the feedback.
8. Agree on how to move forward.
Constructive Feedback Worksheet
Person I need to give feedback to
Situation
Tips I will use when approaching this person or situation
What I will say
Suggestions from others
Emotional Fitness Assessment
Most of the Sometimes Seldom

Time
1. I am a good listener.
2. I respond to the needs of others.
3. I encourage others with praise and recognition.
4. I show appreciation.
5. I can admit when I’m wrong.
6. I can say, “I’m sorry.”
7. I feel a sense of belonging.
8. I am easy going and cooperative.
9. I am sensitive to how others feel.
10. I make it a point to be diplomatic and tactful.
11. I respect diversity.
12. I can say, “no.”
13. I can deal with change.
14. I have good time management skills.
15. I am self-motivated.
16. I am an enthusiastic person.
17. I have a positive attitude.
18. I bounce back from disappointments and setbacks.
19. I eat well and exercise.
20. I can turn to friends and family when in need.
21. I can deal with anger.
22. I am good at compromising.
23. I maintain my cool when dealing with outbursts from others.
24. I make good decisions and positive choices.
25. I surround myself with positive energy.
26. I take risks and push myself out of my comfort zone.
27. I communicate what I am feeling.
28. I am self-confident.
29. I take responsibility and can be held accountable.
30. I can be trusted.
Emotional Fitness Scoring
If you answered “sometimes” or “most of the time” to 20 or more questions, consider yourself
emotionally fit. Focus on turning around those areas in which you answered “seldom.”
Improvement Area Action

Emotional Fitness Item # One step I can take to improve in this area:
Emotional Fitness Item #
Emotional Fitness Item #
Emotional Intelligence (EI)
Daniel Goleman, author of Emotional Intelligence and Working with Emotional Intelligence, defines
emotional intelligence as: “the capacity for recognizing our own feelings and those of others, for
motivating ourselves, and for managing emotions well in ourselves and in our relationships.”
Mike Poskey, vice president of ZERORISK HR, Inc., a Dallas-based human resources risk management
firm, identified five emotional intelligence competencies that contribute to success in the workplace.*
The first two deal with how we manage relationships. The last three deal with how we manage
ourselves.
EI Competency Meaning In the Workplace…

Intuition and Empathy Our awareness of others • Helps us understand others’ feelings and sense what
feelings, needs and they need in order to grow, develop and master
challenges strengths.
• Improves our customer service, allowing us to
anticipate, recognize and meet customer needs.
• Improves our ability to leverage a diverse workplace.
Social Skills / Political Our skill at gaining desirable • Helps us influence and persuade others by sending
Correctness responses in others. clear and convincing messages.
• Improves leadership skills, teamwork, the ability to
manage change, negotiate, resolve conflict, gain
consensus and collaboration.
Self-Awareness Knowing one’s preferences, • Improves our ability to recognize our own emotions
resources and intuitions and their effects on those around us.
• Helps us assess and accept our strengths and
limitations.
• Increases self-confidence/self-esteem.
Self-Management Managing one’s internal • Improves our self-control by managing negative
states, emotions, and emotions.
resources
• Increase our ability to gain trust and be held
accountable.
• Improves our flexibility and comfort with change,
new ideas, and new information.
Self-Expectations / Emotional tendencies that • Helps us conscientiously strive for and commit to
Motivation guide or facilitate reaching achieving self-imposed standards of excellence.
goals.
• Increases our ability to motivate ourselves and others
and to be optimistic when faced with obstacles.
• Improves our ability to take initiative by being a self-
starter and self-driven.
*Used with permission, Zerorisk HR
Positive versus Negative Emotions
Identify which of these emotions are positive or negative by placing a “P” or “N” before the word.
frustrated excited confused
sad lonely elated
scared mad nervous
irate irritable petrified
anxious passionate grumpy
pensive disappointed smug
comfortable silly overwhelmed
mischievous calm complacent
peaceful concerned jealous
confident indifferent self-conscious
tired guilty energetic
self-confident threatened foolish
optimistic stressed ambivalent
suspicious terrified appalled
flabbergasted mortified foolish
surprised bored shocked
glad pleased miserable
Four Quadrants of Emotions
1: Intense “Negative” Emotions 2: Intense “Positive” Emotions
3: Mild “Negative” Emotions 4: Mild “Positive” Emotions
My “Hot” Buttons
List your hot buttons, or the negative emotions that play a significant role in your life. Next list the
thoughts and behaviors that typically go along with each of them.
Emotion My Thoughts My Behavior
Tips for Effectively Handling Emotions
 Identify the emotion and what caused you to feel that way.
 Communicate what you are feeling in a calm manner.
 Do not allow your emotions to fester.
 Keep a journal.
 Face trouble by asking yourself, “What is the worst that can happen?” Accept the worst, and try
to improve the situation.
 When an emotional situation arises, ask yourself: What is the emotion? What are the causes of
the emotion? What are the possible reactions? What is the wisest reaction?
 Don’t hold grudges or waste time trying to get even.
 Refrain from mood swings. Act consistently under a variety of circumstances to build trust.
 Eliminate stress by getting your house in order—do not let things pile up.
 Keep busy.
 Pick your battles—keep things in proper perspective and don’t fuss about trifles.
 Cooperate with the inevitable—don’t worry about the past, and instead, focus on the future.
 Count your blessings.
 Stay healthy by eating right, exercising, and getting enough sleep.
 Find moments of comic relief, and laugh often.
 Give to others.
 Socialize with positive people.
 Pamper yourself.
Six Steps to Maintaining Our Cool
1. Get cerebral. Get a handle on your thoughts and emotions and draft a note or e-mail saying
what is on your mind. Don’t send it.
2. Ask for input. Run the situation by someone impartial and ask for his / her honest point of view.
3. Get physical. Get out of the location. Take a walk or partake in some physical activity.
4. Reflect. Look at the situation from the other person’s point of view and think about how you
might have contributed to the conflict.
5. Sleep on it. Review your notes or e-mail in the morning, and decide if the situation is worth the
energy or if you can just let it go.
6. Pick your battles. Either let it go or confront the situation. Speak softly, use warm body
language, and interject some comic relief if appropriate.
Summary
The most useful ideas I gained to communicate with diplomacy and tact:
Useful Ideas
1.
2.
3.
4.
Specific actions I will take:
What When
How I will know if these actions are effective?
Business impact if I do succeed / don’t succeed in implementing these:

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DALE CARNEGIE® DIGITAL

Session 2: Words + Actions = Credibility ................................................... 15

Session 3: Build Rapport and Positive Relationships .............................. 31

Empathetic Listening Principles................................................................... 39

Session 4: Cultivate Power without Being Intimidating........................ 47

1. Understand how our attitude and image come across to others

 Assess your communication

 Recognize how our attitude affects image

 Analyze and use the professional success cycle

 Explore factors that create impressions and image

“I have a rule that I never treat anybody any

DALE CARNEGIE® DIGITAL |1

Please continue on next page…

2|How to Communicate with Diplomacy and Tact

DALE CARNEGIE® DIGITAL |3

What conclusions can I make from my results?

Who else can I gain feedback from regarding my communication style?

4|How to Communicate with Diplomacy and Tact

Passive Confident Aggressive

DALE CARNEGIE® DIGITAL |5

Adapting Our Style

6|How to Communicate with Diplomacy and Tact

85% Skills and Attitude

DALE CARNEGIE® DIGITAL |7

People who are diplomatic and tactful possess these qualities

8|How to Communicate with Diplomacy and Tact

Professional Image Scale

DALE CARNEGIE® DIGITAL |9

Why is it important to make a positive impression?

How long does a first impression last?

What goes into making a first impression?

What could be some of our blind spots?

Contributing Factors to First Impressions

Attitude 1: Non-verbal cues / behaviors associated with this:

Attitude 2: Non-verbal cues / behaviors associated with this:

Attitude 3: Non-verbal cues / behaviors associated with this:

Attitude 4: Non-verbal cues / behaviors associated with this:

Negative Body Language Positive Body Language

 Tense body  Arms relaxed

 Arms folded in front  Relaxed posture

 Fidgeting  Nodding agreement

 Arms behind head,  Taking notes

 Get feedback from two people about your communication style

 Create or enhance your LinkedIn profile to build your image

 Use diplomacy and

 Apply tools to earn trust, credibility, and respect

 Explore ways to disagree agreeably and find common ground

“Some say knowledge is power, but that

—Sathya Sai Baba

Ways to gain a more accurate view of ourselves:

 Watch or listen to ourselves on video

 Look carefully in the mirror

 Ask trusted colleagues for honest input (multiple sources)

 Monitor others’ reactions to us

Can we really build credibility? Why or why not?

In the News At Work At Home or with Friends

People I trust, respect and view as credible Reasons / Qualities

3. Honor and find merit in differences of opinion, biases, and diversity.

9. Stand up for your beliefs and important non-negotiable values.

10. Be a modest expert and be willing to defer to another’s expertise.

11. Be reliable, keep confidences, fulfill promises, and keep commitments.

15. Be authentic—demonstrate congruency between your words and actions.

 “The positive about is .