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Sabi Ko, Sabi Niya: A Study on Communication Styles during Conflict Resolution
between Genders in Filipino Intimate Relationships
Introduction
Social relationships, whether platonic, familial or intimate, are characterised by the dynamics of
implicit bargaining processes where emotions, intentions and preferences are communicated. Conflict
emerges when these processes fail as a consequence of the gaps within translation, interpretation and
action (or lack thereof) between partners. Likewise, as similar bargains are made within the course of
conflict emergence and escalation, the outcomes of these bargains determine how resolution occurs,
proceeds and directs future conflict settlement.
While it can be argued that the roots and resolution of conflict are universal - that is, general
miscommunication and compromise - the specific styles of communication with which it is approached
and settled may vary according to household and social environment, cultural nuances, and/or gender. For
conflict resolution within romantic relationships, a large volume of current literature focuses on
differences between genders (e.g. Tannen 1990; Bailey 2009; Drobnick 2017), which are mainly
employed in the United States, in contrast with that of the Philippines. Moreover, in spite of emerging
works that involve the observation of non-heterosexual relationships (e.g. Kintanar 2013), there is still a
demand for research that is inclusive between genders in different types of relationships.
In this study, we attempt to examine the distinctions between genders in various types of
romantic relationships (i.e. female - male, female - female, male - male) in terms of communication styles
during conflict resolution within the Philippine context. To do this, we employed a focus group discussion
(FGD) along with an online survey to inquire on linguistic patterns of respondents when addressing
conflict, across various ages, who are currently in relationships.
In order to proceed, we briefly review existing literature on communication styles and gendered
differences between them and Filipino romantic relationships within the context of settling conflict, as
well as the communication accommodation theory, Then, we discuss the components of the focus group
discussion (FGD) and the survey questionnaire as modes of data collection. Next, we discuss and examine
our findings vis-a-vis their relation to the Communication Accommodation Theory (CAT). Further, we
present our personal views regarding our results. Lastly, we summarize our findings as well as provide
possible recommendations for future research.
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communication breaks down when men are made to feel incompetent or feel being controlled. For
women, invalidation of struggles could cause great conflict.
Filipino relationships
Traditionally, being in a Filipino intimate relationship starts with panliligaw or courting wherein
the man would try to win the woman’s heart. More often than not, the man would go to the woman’s
house to serenade her or harana. If the couple then decide to get married, the tradition of pamamanhikan
or which literally means “to go up the stairs of the house” is done. The man would go to the female’s
house and ask the parent’s for their daughter’s hand. Within the relationship, tampo o r to sulk is
inevitable. It is characterized by non-verbal ways such as silence and avoiding other people (Love,
Courtship, 2002).
Kintanar (2013) compared relationship satisfaction and conflict resolution approaches among
Filipino Gay, Lesbian, and Heterosexual Individuals in Romantic Relationships. The author found out that
there is a significant difference on conflict resolution tactics between homosexual and heterosexual
relationships. Homosexual relationships specifically gay men would have a higher tendency to use
positive conflict resolution tactics (i.e. discussing and talking about the problem, assessing the situation
constructively) than heterosexual women. Despite this, there were fundamental similarities in terms of
commitment and satisfaction as both kinds of relationships based on the results are committed and
satisfied with their relationships. However, Mertz, Rosser, & Strapko (2010) found similarities on conflict
resolution styles among homosexual and heterosexual relationships. The authors also argued that the
differences identified are generally present only on gender roles and lifestyle feature factors and
technically not on the conflict resolution itself.
Methodology
Differences in gender communication in conflict and conflict resolution was agreed upon as the
focus of the study. A focus group discussion (FGD) and a survey were approved of as the major data
collection sources of the study.
A. Focus Group Discussion (FGD)
A focus group discussion, composed of eight Filipino participants was held. The objective of the
FGD was to gather common nuances and identify patterns with regards to Filipino communication during
conflict and conflict resolution in romantic relationships. Common responses and reactions were used as
options in the survey to be executed.
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B. Survey
A survey was distributed online and performed to assess the frequency of the most common
responses determined from the FGD. The scope of respondents of the survey included Filipinos of legal
age (18 years old and above) currently in romantic relationships. The survey included twenty-one (21)
questions divided into three major sections:
● Basic information (Gender, Age, Type of Relationship [i.e. Female-Male], Length of Relationship
[i.e. 3 years or more])
● About the Relationship (i.e. Presence and frequency of disagreements/conflict in relationship)
● About Conflict Resolution (i.e. Common behavior during conflict)
A scoring system was developed to quantify the results, making the analysis easier.
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apologize first instead of their partner. The respondent who preferred not to state their gender answered
that they, along with their partner, confront each other equally but they apologize first.
Next, Figure 2.1 illustrates that majority or 58.6% of respondents stated that conflict resolutions
take a maximum duration of less than a day, followed by one day with 24.1%, while the rest were
distributed within other options. With regards to common phrases said during conflict, both sexes tend to
express disappointment in their partner’s lack of understanding (“Hindi mo ko naiintindihan” / “You
don’t understand me”), and the sentiment of not being listened to (“Hindi ka naman nakikinig” / “You’re
not even listening”). The most common behaviour that both sexes do during conflict is being silent. The
next two most common behaviours for both sexes are crying and raising their voice.
When both are starting to calm down during conflict, both sexes answered that they apologize.
The next most common response for males is to express understanding (“Oo na, gets ko na” / “Okay I get
it”), while for females it is reaffirming the resolution (“Bati na tayo” / “Let’s make up”.) Lastly, with
regards to the behaviour after the conflict, both sexes have an inclination to become silent, followed by
being sweet (“lambing”).
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avoids conversation with his partner . . . [which] is sometimes felt by women as failure in engaging their
partner . . . [and they] misunderstand the silence,” since all genders tend to become silent after conflict. In
contrast, this supports Holtgraves and Taylor (2014) that cooperation between genders is done through
various means, including humor.
With this, in general, it can be argued that there are significantly less differences between genders
within conflict resolution in romantic relationships as opposed to similarities.
Reflection
201854459 - Stephanie A. Agor
Stereotypes exist between general communication styles between genders (not limited to males
and females, as evidenced by sub-languages such as gay lingo in Filipino). Often, these are contextualised
in specific situations, such regular conversations between parent-child, peer-peer and or romantic
partners. However, when we are personally within these interactions, we pass these stereotypes off as
norms, hardly observing whether there are actual differences between our linguistic patterns. As such,
while doing this research, I was able to realise that these stereotypes find meaning within their context,
and may either be upheld, maintained or debunked. Moreover, I realised that compromise is integral in the
maintenance of these relationships and that these compromises are expressed, aside from these gendered
stereotypes, through the specific nuances of our native languages (e.g. word choice, meaning, among
others). It is also interesting to examine the dynamics of non-heterosexual relationships, as most of the
literature have focused on heterosexual ones. Therefore, it may be myopic to observe differences within
conflict resolutions in terms of gender, and it is important that these analyses are enriched by various
factors. On the other hand, the way that these stereotypes are carefully analyzed contribute to a bigger
discourse that reconstructs mistaken perceptions about genders and may serve to improve each others’
standing within conflict resolutions (i.e. in conservative societies where women are often deemed to be of
lower status as opposed to their male partners). Lastly, while communication is inherent in relationships, a
“proper” mode of communication is impossible to generalize as it is dependent on those who utilize it.
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opposite. Thru research in our related literature, I understood more the reasons behind this phenomena, as
well as the mechanisms behind conflict resolution in romantic relationships. The biggest takeaway I got
from this study is that argument settlement is a gamechanger. Because a person is made to compromise
and adjust to their partner, communication differences brought about by gender or sex become more
subtle and sometimes fade away. This is supported by the Communication Accommodation Theory.
Ethnographic studies on linguistic styles are relevant as they capture human behavior and put these under
a linguistic microscope for examining. Studying communication habits let us build our relationships with
a strong foundation of understanding.
Conclusion
In this ethnographic study, the distinctions in terms of communication styles during conflict
resolution between genders in romantic relationships within the Philippine context was examined.
According to our findings, as collected through an FGD and an online survey, there is no significant
difference in communication styles between genders in romantic relationships. This is supported by the
Communication Accommodation Theory (CAT) since partners adjust language use in order to resolve
conflict. During conflict, respondents across genders had an inclination to express disappointment in their
partner’s lack of understanding, and the sentiment of not being listened to. After, during resolution, they
tend to apologize, become silent, and be sweet (lambing).
Further studies may be conducted to supplement our research. First, to ensure better
representation of genders, the survey may be employed to a bigger sample size. Next, future research can
examine additional factors, such as upbringing, and education, among others, with gender. Other methods,
such as case studies, for a more in-depth analysis may also be utilised.
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References
Bailey, S.J. (2011). Couple Relationships: Communication and Conflict Resolution. Retrieved July 2,
2018, from https://www.msuextension.org/health/documents/MT200917HR.pdf
Drobnick, R. (2017, July 22). 6 Ways Men & Women Communicate Differently. Retrieved July 2, 2018,
from https://psychcentral.com/blog/6-ways-men-and-women-communicate-differently/
Holtgraves, T. M., & Taylor, P. J. (2014). The Role of Language in Conflict and Conflict Resolution. The
Oxford Handbook of Language and Social Psychology.
doi:10.1093/oxfordhb/9780199838639.013.012
Kintanar, N. M.. (2013). Comparing Relationship Satisfaction and Conflict Resolution Tactics of Filipino
Gay, Lesbian, and Heterosexual Individuals in Romantic Relationships . Philippine Journal of
Psychology, 46(2). Retrieved from http://ejournals.ph/form/cite.php?id=3881
“LOVE, COURTSHIP IN FILIPINO CULTURE.” Vietnam: Timeline of Events to 1974, 14 Feb. 2002,
www.seasite.niu.edu/tagalog/love.htm.
Metz, M. E., Rosser, B. S., & Strapko, N. (1994). Differences in conflict-resolution styles among
heterosexual, gay, and lesbian couples. Journal of Sex Research,31(4), 293-308.
doi:10.1080/00224499409551764