Chapter 1: WHAT IS SOCIAL EMOTIONAL LEARNING?

What Is Needed for Employability in the 21st Century?

Brown et al. (2003) found that people lack “employability skills” – a quality reflecting one’s reliance, personal drive and interpersonal skills.
Wagner (2008) identified the seven survival skills for the 21st Century skills needed:
1.Critical Thinking and Problem-Solving 2.Collaboration, Teamwork and Leadership 3.Creativity and Innovation 4.Managing Change & Lifelong Learning 5.Effective Oral and
Written Communication 6.Cross-cultural Understanding and Information Communication Technology (ICT) Literacy 7.Resourcefulness and Self-reliance

Besides the seven survival skills, the following skills are necessary for a better tomorrow:
•Awareness of self and others •Management of own emotions and others •Development of empathy and perspective-taking •Forging healthy relationships •Dealing with life’s
challenges

What Is Social Emotional Learning?

Social Emotional Learning (SEL) is a process for learning life skills, including how to deal with oneself, others and relationships; and work in an effective manner. In dealing with
oneself, SEL helps in recognising your emotions and learning how to manage those feelings. In dealing with others, SEL helps with developing empathy and compassion for others,
and maintaining positive relationships. SEL also helps a person to focus on dealing with a variety of problem-solving situations in a constructive and ethical manner, when faced
with life’s challenges.

The five overarching social emotional competencies (SECs) are as follows:

Self-awareness is the ability to recognise one’s own feelings, interests, values, beliefs and strengths, maintaining an accurate level of self-efficacy.
Self-management is the ability to handle daily stresses and regulate one’s emotions under difficult situations.
Social awareness is the ability to take others’ perspectives into account and to empathise with them; recognising and appreciating the similarities and differences of others, e.g.
peers, family and the community at large.
Relationship management allows one to develop and maintain healthy relationships with others, including the ability to resist negative social pressures, resolving interpersonal
conflicts and seeking help when needed.
Responsible decision making enables one to keep in mind multiple factors e.g. pros, cons and consequences of your actions, ethics, standards, respect, and safety concerns when
making decisions.

What Are the Skills that I Need to Develop to Improve My SECs?

For example, Dolly switched from a teaching job to a nursing job and finally ending up being an accounts clerk. She was not aware that she was fearful of children until she started
teaching so she decided to quit the job. She happily settled with being an accounts clerk when she realised that she could use her strengths in Maths to do her work. Fred, on the
other hand, started an advertising company without having a strong knowledge of advertising. Furthermore, he lacked creativity, business sense, and other skills relevant to running
a business. As such, his company was closed shortly after it was opened. If you lack this self-awareness, there is a need for greater exposure through community work or service
learning to be conscious of your areas of needs as well as the skills required for the job that you are interested in. If you have difficulty giving time to that job, it may reflect the lack
of passion in what you do. If you are aware that you lack relationship management skills, you may need to know the skills you should acquire to improve yourself for a job fit.

Social Emotional Competencies AND Social Emotional Learning Skills Related to Each competency
Self-awareness Identifying and recognising emotions, Accurate self-perception, Recognising strengths, needs and values, Self-efficacy
Self-management Impulse control and stress management, Self-motivation and discipline, Goal-setting and organisation skills
Social Awareness Perspective-taking, Empathy, Appreciating diversity, Respect for others
Relationship Management Communication, social engagement and building, relationships, Working cooperatively, Negotiation, refusal and conflict management, Seeking and
providing help
Responsible Decision making: Problem identification and situation analysis, Problem-solving, Evaluation and reflection, Personal, moral, and ethical responsibilitie

CHAPTER 2: UNDERSTANDING MYSELF THROUGH SELF-AWARENESS

What Is Self-awareness?
Self-awareness includes skills in recognising one’s emotions and cultivating one’s strengths and positive qualities. It includes a realistic assessment of one’s abilities, and a well-
grounded sense of self-confidence. This first level is representative of the individual self and revolves around the level of knowing, that is, acquiring knowledge within the
parameters of facts and concepts. At this level, the individual may be able to distinguish right from wrong. However, these are only factual knowledge, and he/she has yet to
demonstrate through his/her actions which are still very much controlled and shaped by his/her innate abilities, cultural environment and upbringing

What do you need to do to be self-aware?

Your understanding of respect, relationships and reconcliliation. Your expectations of e.g. yourself, your family members, your colleagues etc. Your task demands and clients?
Your values, beliefs and culture? Your relationships with your family members, colleagues and others? Your environment?

What do you need to know about yourself?

What triggers your anger? What are your strengths, weaknesses? What values do you possess? What drives you? What are your prejudices/emotional bias? How can you be
conscious of consistently engaging in ethical, safe and legal ways?

Advantages of Self-awareness?
The more self-aware you are, the more confident you will be of yourself. Through greater exposure, your experience widens and you are likely to be more accepting of others and
open to experiences. More accurate in assessing others. Better at setting more realistic goals and achieving them. More likely to have a better/positive view of yourself. improve
your self-confidence, which in turn leads to greater success in life.

Setting Goals
SMART stands for: Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Relevant and Timely.
S – Specific goals tend to answer the six “W” questions
Who: Who is involved? What: What do I want to accomplish it? Where: Identify a location. When: Establish a time frame. Which: Identify requirements and constraints. Why:
Specific reasons, purpose or benefits of accomplishing the goal.
Example: if the general goal is “to get in shape”, then the specific goal would be “by going to the gym to work out three days a week.”
M – Measurable goal is establishing concrete criteria e.g. How much? How many? How will I know when it is accomplished?
Example: “To slim down by 10kg by going to the gym to work out three days a week.”
A – Attainable to ensure that the goal is achievable and practical to attain.
Example: “To slim down by 10kg by going to the gym to work out three days a week for one month.”
R – Realistic goals are to ensure that you are both willing and able to achieve the goal and make substantial progress.
Example: “To slim down by 10kg by going to the gym to work out three days a week with 100% success”
T – Timely goal should be grounded within a time frame.
Example: “To slim down by 10kg by going to the gym to work out three days a week for one month with 100% success.”

Awareness of purpose in life

Life is meaningful only when a person is driven by a goal that is guiding him/her. It is important to be able to see the vision at the end of the tunnel. A sense of purpose provides the
undying passion and steadfast commitment to do what you need to do. It gives you goals worthy to strive for. If you lack self-awareness, reflect on your strengths and interests with
those whom you highly respect and wish to model after.

CHAPTER 3
What Is Self-management?
Self-management is the ability to take control of one’s emotions and be forward-looking, exercise self-control, show flexible thinking, and maintain composure and positive
thinking when confronted with life’s challenges. In the process, the ability to regulate your emotions will facilitate, rather than interfere with the task at hand to pursue your goals
and encourage perseverance in the face of setbacks and frustrations.
What Does Neurobiology Have to Say about the Relationship among Our Cognition, Emotions and Behaviour?
metacognition plays a part in the development of one’s social-emotional competencies (SECs). Many preventive interventions (Greenberg, 2006) supported the central role of the
Executive Functions (EF) and the actions of the prefrontal lobes in improving emotion regulation and problem-solving skills. EF generally refers to the psychological processes that
are involved in the conscious control of one’s thinking. Examples of processes include inhibition, future time orientation, consequential thinking and the planning, initiation, and
regulation of goal-directed behaviour, which are closely related to the different aspects of metacognition. The thalamus receives information through receptors (e.g. nerve cells)
which are decoded and analysed, while the hypothalamus receives signals from the body and involves in regulation of drives (e.g. sleep, sexuality, appetite). Both these structures
relay information to the amygdala which is involved with the neurobiology of emotions liken to body’s “alarm system”. The amygdala is a structure with extensive connections to
the brain areas thought to underlie cognitive functions, such as sensory cortices, the hippocampal complex, and the prefrontal cortex (Young et al. 1994). Because of its broad
connectivity, the amygdala is ideally situated to influence cognitive functions in reaction to emotional stimuli.

How Do Emotions Affect One’s Thoughts and Actions?

metacognition is a good mediator for enhancing one’s social emotional competencies as metacognition is thinking about thinking. The more one is aware of his/her thinking
processes as he/she reflects, the more he/she can control his/her goals, dispositions and actions or behaviour. Therefore, as emotions can affect one’s thoughts and actions, there is a
need to: recognise and identify one’s emotions, understand and take control of one’s emotions and note the stage one is in, be conscious of one’s thinking processes, ensure that one
translates his/her emotions and thoughts in a positive manner. Emotions can be accompanied by either positive feelings (e.g. happiness, excitement, peace, and tranquility) or
negative feelings (e.g. anger, sadness, pain, denial, panic, anxiety or disappointment), and this in turn may translate one’s thoughts and actions. Therefore, one needs to be
conscious of his/her emotions and address his/her thoughts, so that his/her actions will not be negative.

Recognising and Identifying One’s Emotions

In order to effectively manage one’s emotions, one must first learn to accurately recognise and identify them. Some people ignore their emotional reactions, e.g. when they lost their
spouses or had a break-up. Their denial of their emotions may reflect their lack of self-awareness of this great loss. As such, one may not be able to use one’s emotions
constructively or productively. E.g. difficulty regulating their intense emotions, e.g. anger, and may not be able to manage their emotions positively, may result even in crimes.

How Emotions Reflect One’s Actions or Behaviour

A person’s thoughts and emotions affect his/her behaviours, Positive thoughts often lead to success but they will not work miracles, Working hard and accepting responsibilities are
essential to success

How to Take Control of Our Emotions

In the workplace, you may have worked very hard on a project with a friend, only to find your friend is laid off and you are overloaded to do his share of the work as well. This
added stress may cause us to scream. Perceiving the situation positively (e.g. here’s my chance to multi-task and showcase my strengths) will generate feelings of joy, excitement or
optimism, resulting in the ability to share our positive emotions constructively and professionally in the workplace. However, if we are not able to think positively or optimistically,
we need to do the following:
•Think of a way to calm down
-Doing something physically active -Doing something relaxing -Thinking about something else -Using centred breathing -Using positive talk
•Recognise and identify the emotion you are feeling •Reflect and think of a positive thought and action so that you can get your emotions under control •Do what is most helpful for
yourself and others •Communicate your emotions clearly to others

What happens when we have to make a decision while we are experiencing strong emotions?
Sometimes our minds, especially our self-beliefs, may be quite obtrusive especially when we have experienced much failure, as we are less likely to believe that we can succeed in
our performance. If so, we may need to change our thinking:
•Think we can succeed and believe you can, e.g. “I can succeed.” •Affirm and think aloud, “I will succeed.” •Believe that we can succeed by setting SMART goals to achieve it
•Regulate and monitor your progress to fulfill your goal.
Even when you know everyone does not think you can succeed, it is not your business. Your business is just to stay focused, strategise and organise your plan so that you can see
the successful outcome. Alternatively, we may be exposed to daily situations that may frustrate or anger us when our friends disappoint us. For example: A friend borrowed your
favourite CD last week and lost it. Now she asks if she can borrow another one. Your immediate response may be: “No way!” You’ve got to be kidding!” We may be upset,
angered, frustrated and concerned about losing another CD.
How would you communicate?
“When you borrow my CDs and don’t return them, I worry about losing them. Give me some time to decide whether I want to keep loaning them out.”
1.IDENTIFY the decision to be made
e.g. Should you lend your friend another CD?
2.THINK about your options and reject any that could lead to trouble.
Possible Options:
•Tell your friend you are not lending her anything again. •Lend her another CD. •Try to avoid giving her an answer •Ask her to replace the CD she lost before you lend her another
one.
3.USE QUESTIONS to eliminate negative options and make responsible decision
•Is it against the law, school rules or the teachings of my religion? •Is it harmful to me or to others? •Would it disappoint my family or even other important adults? •Is it wrong to
do? •Would I be hurt or upset if someone did this to me?
4.PREDICT the consequences of positive options
Option: Lend her another CD Advantage: She would be happy. Disadvantage: She might be careless with this CD too.
Option: Ask her to replace the CD she lost before you lend her another one. Advantage: You get your CD back, and maybe your friend would be more careful with your
belongings. Disadvantage: Your friend might me angry with you.
Choose the best course of action.
-Seek a significant adult for advice if you are undecided about the options. -Rethink the consequences of your actions again if your friend were to lose another of your CDs.

Translating and Expressing Negative Emotions in Positive Ways

PUT DOWN
INQUIRY: A put-down I once said to someone was: You are stupid!
ASSUMPTION: To feel good about myself, I must try to make other people feel bad about themselves.
Investigating Procedures
•Rewrite assumption into a proven belief •Change thoughts •Change behaviour
PROVEN BELIEF
I don’t have to try to make others feel bad about themselves in order to feel good about myself. I have many other better choices.
SELF-TALK
Statements I make to myself that influence me to put down others:
How can he not see the solution?
Statements I make to myself that influence me to build up others:
Maybe he is stressed, and therefore failed to see from another perspective!
Helping others to feel good!
BEING PRESSURISED
INQUIRY: A time I gave into pressure was: I want to be with the “in-group”!
ASSUMPTION: I must give in to pressure to be cool and to be liked by everyone, or it will feel awful.
Investigating Procedures
•Rewrite assumption into a proven belief •Change thoughts •Change behaviour
PROVEN BELIEF
I believe that I am cool. I can make my own choices and know that true friends will respect them.
SELF-TALK
Statements I make to myself that influence me to give in to pressure:
I need to follow them or else they may not include me or like me!
Statements I make to myself that influence me to take pride in my own choices:
I can rely on my own skills and capabilities.
I am better off without such a friend, as a true friend will have my interest at heart and respect my decision.
Recognise and appreciate your strengths!

UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS
INQUIRY: A time I felt that I had to be perfect was I want to score 100% accuracy in my Maths.
ASSUMPTION: If I am not always perfect, it is awful. I will never succeed so why bother to try.
Investigating Procedures
•Rewrite assumption into a proven belief •Change thoughts •Change behaviour
PROVEN BELIEF
I can do my best
SELF-TALK
Statements I make to myself that influence me to want to be perfect:
I need to get better scores than my friends.
Statements I make to myself that influence me to want to learn from mistakes:
I don’t need to compare myself with others. As long as I have done my best that is all that matters. Making mistakes is part of the learning process.
Do what you can do!

Alternatively, you may wish to use “What, why and how” to change your negative thoughts to address the issue in a more positive manner.
WHAT: Name what behaviour is bothering you and what you feel
WHY: Explain why this is bothering you.
HOW: Say how you would like the other person to behave instead.

Situation: A friend keeps borrowing money and forgets to pay you back.
WHAT: When you (behaviour) _______________ I feel ________________
WHY: because _________________________________
HOW: I wish (or I want you to) ____________________________________
When I lend you money and you don’t pay me back, I feel frustrated because now I don’t have any lunch money and I am hungry. I wish you would pay me back the day after you
borrow money.

What Are Some Helpful Coping Strategies for Stress and Anxiety?
Affect/feelings: Expression of feelings to others through song, poetry, communication, writing or drawing, e.g. “I tell my best friend whom I trust when I feel sad.”
Beliefs and values: Belief in God or someone or something, or one’s beliefs about what is right or wrong and about the self, e.g. “I believe that I have the ability to solve the
problem even though they say that I will fail.”
Cognition: Use rational thinking and learn from past experiences, e.g. “I think of how I have overcome similar difficulties in the past when I feel disappointed with myself.”
Imagination: Use positive and creative ways to solve problems or use your imagination to relax, e.g. “I think of the rainbow at the end of the road.”
Physiology: Engage in physical and relaxation exercises, e.g. jogging, walking, swimming, etc.
Social: Being in the company of others, e.g. “I have tea and I window-shop with my friends when I am sad.”

CHAPTER 4 DEVELOPING AND PROMOTING SOCIAL AWARENESS

What Is Social Awareness and Why Is It Important?
Social Awareness involves the active process of seeking out information about what is happening in the communities around us, e.g. recognise what others are thinking and feeling;
understand their emotions, needs and concerns, show compassion and appreciation; understand our social norms and problems, etc. In doing so, we have a wider perspectives and
are able to recognise and interact positively with diverse groups.
For example, in a home environment, if a parent is empathetic, nurturing, supportive, and encourages their children to understand others by putting themselves in others’ shoes, the
children may be more likely to exercise perspective taking in seeing the world. Thus, they will be more daring to take on risks, academic challenges, and perceive mistakes as a
learning process when they are aware that they can turn to their significant, adults for support and progress. They will share without fear to learn more spontaneously to be
confident, active and concerned citizens of tomorrow. Similarly, in the work environment, employees are likely to be motivated to walk the extra mile even if it takes risks, if they
are able to see that their employers are supportive, understanding and appreciative.

How Does One Develop Social Awareness?

a) Improve listening skills
The ability to exercise active listening
•To listen actively and to understand the other party’s point of view •To take in information without passing judgements •Allowing for freedom in expressing emotions and
problems
b) Pay close attention when interacting with others
Being aware of changes in body language, facial expressions, tone of voice, what the other party says, how they say it, and what they do.
c) Identify others’ emotional states
Listen carefully to what they are saying. Notice how they respond to external events such as greeting others or asking them to do things.
d) Reflect on your own feelings
How does the other person’s emotions make you feel?
•Be conscious to recognise the different points of views, e.g. in the political scenario, how are people working in the environment affected, the employers’ perspectives, the ethical
issues related to the scenario, etc. Be conscious if you are being objective in your views.
e) Responding accurately to others’ feelings, emotions and moods with our non-verbal gestures
e.g. positive eye contact, leaning forward, relaxed posture
f) Think before you answer
The ability to communicate effectively demonstrating empathy
•Listen for feelings •Paraphrase the speaker’s words •Hear the speaker’s expression and tone of voice, keeping an open mind without being judgemental or interruptive. Empathise
with the speaker through checking for understanding by paraphrasing, summarising or reviewing.
How Can We Nurture Social Awareness and Communicate or Mediate for Others?
1. Introduction
•Introduce yourself to the disputants. •Establish rapport with the disputants and explain to them what the mediation process is all about e.g. “I am Ms X. Both of you seem to be
upset over the issue. May I assist by establishing a common understanding?” •Ensures that the disputants agree to the ground rules
For example: oDo not interrupt oTell the truth oNo name-calling or put-downs oWork to solve the problem
2. Define and Explore the Problem
Allow disputants to take turns to share their perspectives on the problem. e.g. Can you tell me what happened?
Ask open-ended questions to find out how the disputants are feeling. e.g. How do you feel?
Assist disputants to see each others’ perspectives. e.g. How do you feel? How do you think A felt when this happened?
Ask more questions to better understand the problem/situation. e.g. Is there anything else that you would like to share with me regarding this problem?
3. Look for Solutions
Bring disputants back to the point before the conflict occurred. e.g. What could you have done differently?
Seek to know how disputants would react if they are given the opportunity to start all over again in order to prevent the conflict e.g. What can you do right now to help solve the
problem?
Brainstorm with disputants on the possible solutions. e.g. Is there anything that needs to be done to help make the solution better?
4. Agree on a Solution
Check that both disputants are agreeable to the proposed solution. e.g. Do you both agree to the solution that you have just indicated that you would be happy with?
Ensure that no rules are broken, and that no one is physically or emotionally hurt. e.g. So are we all agreeable to this solution which is to …….(describe the solution)?
Get both disputants to agree to the time-frame to act on the solution. e.g. Do we need a timeline to carry out the solutions that we have agreed upon? If so, when do you think we
can get started?

Develop Social Awareness to Reduce Prejudices

Prejudice is groundless and tends to have a negative attitude towards members of a group. When prejudice occurs, stereotyping and discrimination may also result. In many cases,
prejudices are based upon stereotypes or a simplified assumption about a group. It may be positive (e.g. “Old folks are more experienced.”) or negative (e.g. “Old folks are slow.”).
These stereotypes can lead to faulty beliefs. Some of the causes of prejudice may be due to fear, ignorance or not liking someone of a different group. There is also the possibility of
wanting to feel more superior than the other group or to keep status quo. Prejudice may result in more segregation of groups which may be harmful to everyone.
To reduce or eliminate prejudices. Training people to become more empathetic towards members of other groups is one method that has proven to work. If people are able to
imagine themselves in similar situations, they will be able to think about how they would react and gain a greater understanding of others’ actions. Indirectly, it is important to
create greater social awareness or expressions of empathy, so that people can relate to and understand the other groups more positively. Other ways of reducing prejudices include
making people aware of anti-prejudice social norms, or helping them to be more conscious about the inconsistencies of their prejudices. Passing laws and regulations that require
fair and equal treatment for all groups of people may be another alternative.

CHAPTER 5 RELATIONSHIP MANAGEMENT

What Is Relationship Management?
Relationship management involves the effective handling of one’s emotions in his/her interactions with others, establishing and maintaining healthy and rewarding relationships
based on cooperation, resistance to inappropriate social pressure, negotiating solutions to conflict, and seeking help when needed. These two levels co-exist and they are also known
as the affective level where an individual applies the knowledge he/she has acquired.

What Are the Obstacles to Harmonious Relationships?

1.Prejudice 2.Aggression 3.Afraid of losing face 4.“If you are my friend” expectations 5.“I” or “me” mentality 6.Must-win mindset 7.“I am your senior” attitude 8.One-track
“individual rights” or “principles” 9.Nepotism 10.Taking advantage of others 11.Having wrong values/attributes 12.Putting others down

Gordon (2009) identified twelve communication roadblocks that prevent adults from relating to their children. This may also happen in the office between the employer and the
employee. They further explain how communication may be obstacles in harmonious relationships.
1. Ordering, Directing, Commanding: The words may be very authoritarian, and may carry an overt or covert threat of an impending consequences if the advice is not taken.
“Don’t say that” “You’ve got to face up to reality.” “Go right back there and tell her you’re sorry!” “Stop feeling sorry for yourself!”
2.Warning, Threatening: The words may sound like a threat that must be carried out or a bad outcome may be predicted if it is not complied.
"If you don’t start treating him better, you’ll lose him.” “You'll never make friends if..." “You’re really asking for trouble when you do that.” “You’d better listen to me or you’ll be
sorry.”
3.Moralising, Preaching: An underlying moral code is invoked, e.g. “should” or “ought” to communicate with proper conduct to be followed.
"You shouldn't feel that way..." "Patience is a virtue you should learn..." “You really ought to …” “It’s your duty as a ………to ………….”
4.Advising, Giving Solutions: Here the individual draws on her/his own knowledge and experience to recommend a course of action.
"What I would do is...", "Why don't you..." "Let me suggest..." “Have you tried …?”
5.Persuading with Logic, Arguing: The assumption may suggest that the person has not adequately thought it through, and needs help to do so.
"Here is why you are wrong..." "The facts are that …..." "Yes, but..." “Let’s think this through ….”
6.Judging, Criticising, Blaming: The common denominator here is the implication that there is something wrong with the person or with what he/she said.
"You are not thinking maturely..." "You are just lazy..." "Maybe you started the fight first..." “It’s your own fault.”
7.Praising, Approving, Agreeing: This kind of message gives a sanction or approval to what has been said, and may stop the communication process as it may imply an uneven
relationship between the speaker and listener. True listening is different from approving and does not require approval.
"Well, I think you're doing a great job!" "You're right!--that teacher sounds awful." “I think you are absolutely right …” “You’re a good ….”
8.Name-calling, Shaming, Labeling, Ridiculing: Here the disapproval is more overt, and is directed at the individual in the hope of shaming or correcting a behaviour or attitude.
"Cry baby--", "That's stupid to worry about one low test grade." “You should be ashamed of yourself.” “That’s really stupid.”
9.Analysing, Diagnosing: This is a very common and tempting one for counsellors to seek out the hidden meaning for the person and give your own interpretation.
"What's wrong with you is..." "You're just tired." "What you really mean is..." “You’re just trying to make me look bad.”
10.Reassuring, Sympathising: The intent is usually to help the person feel better. It may be a roadblock because it interferes with the spontaneous flow of communication.
"Don't worry." "You'll feel better." "Oh, cheer up!" “There, there, it’s not all that bad.”
11.Questioning, Probing: The intent is to probe further. However, it may be perceived that the questioner is rushing to solve the problem and interfering with the flow of the
communication. This may come across as being insensitive to the person in question, and may prevent further communication.
"Why?" "Who?" "What did you...?" "How...?"
12.Diverting, Sarcasm, Withdrawal: The intent is to “take the person’s mind off it”. This will divert communication and implies that what the person was saying is not important
or should not be pursued.
"Let's talk about pleasant things..." “I hear it’s going to be a nice day tomorrow.” "Why don't you try running the world!?" Remaining silent, turning away

What Are the Crucial Skills in Maintaining Relationships?

1.Listen with discernment 2.Compassion 3.Empathy/perspective taking 4.Social cognition/adaptability 5.Self-awareness of own emotions 6.Self-awareness of others’ emotions
7.Self-management skills 8.Communication skills 9.Respect for others 10.Sincerity 11.Integrity 12.Care and Concern 13.Trust 14.Faith

What Are Some Ways of Building and Maintaining Healthy Relationships?

From Gordon’s twelve communication roadblocks, active listening with discernment must be practised to know when and what needs to be said. This will prevent obstructions for
the communication flow. We have also recognised the importance of empathy so that we are in tune with the speaker.
What we can do How we can do it
Listen to what our friends have to say Active listening with discernment
Understand and empathise with our Step in, step back, reflect
friends
Tell our friends our feelings I-Message

Practicing “I Messages”
I feel _________________(emotion) when you ____________________________(action) because ______________________________________________________(reason).
Example: I feel sad when you showed more care for John because I felt ignored.
Ways to Communicate Disagreement with Dignity
1.Calm down and think/reflect before you try to communicate 2.Use positive self-talk to help you think the situation can be handled successfully 3.Set a positive tone – begin by
treating the other person with respect 4.Express your point of view. Use the pronoun “I” not “You” 5.Listen to the other person

How Does One Resolve Conflicts in a Relationship in a Constructive Way?

SOLVED approach can be used to resolve the problem.
S State the problem as you see it.
O Open the discussion to other points of view.
L List the possible solutions together. (Stress that illegal or harmful solutions are not to be considered.)
V Veto solutions that are unacceptable to someone involved. (If they are all unacceptable to someone, you may have to go back and think of more possible solutions.)
E Evaluate the solutions that are left.
D Do the one which is most acceptable to everyone.
For example:
Jill and Joe usually go out on Saturdays. This Saturday, Jill wants to go to a movie, but Joe wants to go to a party. Jill thinks that Joe just wants to go his own way all the time. Joe
thinks Jill is being stubborn. They are about to have an argument.
S State the problem as you see it.
Jill: You have to come with me to the movie! I’ve been waiting all week to see it.
O Open the discussion to other points of view.
Joe: But I want to go over to Bill’s house for the party. Lots of our friends will be there.
L List the possible solutions together.
1.Jill could go to the movie with someone else while Joe goes to Bill’s house. 2.They could go to the movie together and skip the party. 3.They could go to the party together and
skip the movie. 4.They could go to the movie before or after the party. (If the solutions are all unacceptable to both, they may have to go back and think of more possible solutions.)
V Veto solutions that are unacceptable to someone involved.
Solution 1 is unacceptable to both. Solution 2 is unacceptable to Joe. Solution 3 is unacceptable to Jill.
E Evaluate the solutions that are left.
Solution 4 is left and is acceptable to both. They find out when the movie is playing and decide to go after the party.
D Do the one most acceptable to everyone.
They have fun at Bill’s house and the whole group goes with them to the movie afterward. This approach may be acceptable between friends. However, if it is a family conflict or
one between a client and a counsellor, the solution needs not be acceptable to the child or the client, although there will be an attempt to resolve the matter as best as possible so that
there is a win-win situation.

Conflicts in Relationships
How to resolve conflict? Be calm, always show respect (However much you disagree with someone, attack the argument, not the person.), compromise (If you can't agree on
whether to see a romantic comedy or an action thriller at the cinema, see one film this weekend and the other the next weekend.), change the wording (Instead of criticising a work
colleague for "a mistake", perhaps you could invite him to discuss "a learning opportunity".).

CHAPTER 6 MAKING RESPONSIBLE DECISIONS

The two kinds of roadblocks to making responsible decisions are as follow:
1)Avoid Decisions – e.g. getting out of making decisions without even being aware that they are doing it. 2)Using Faculty Thinking.- e.g. using inappropriate thinking strategies
that lead to poor decision-making process.

Roadblocks to Responsible Decision-making

A main roadblock to making responsible decisions is to avoid making decisions.
People avoid making decisions in a variety of ways without being aware that they are avoiding them. Some of these ways are delineated below:
1.Drifting: Just letting life takes its course without any goals in mind 2.Procrastination: Wait as long as possible without taking any action 3.Dreaming: Spending time on wishful
thinking 4.Back-seat Driver: Follow what others do instead of thinking for yourself 5.Getting Stuck: Continue what they are doing even when it is not working 6.Crashing:
Avoid making decisions by acting out angrily or crumbling into a heap of tears

Using Faculty Thinking: People who do not avoid making decisions but when they make them, they do something that keeps the process from being effective.
1.Being short-sighted: Think only about what is happening right now 2.Impulsive/Hastiness: Reaching conclusions and taking actions without sufficient thought or attention to
standards of judgement 3.Narrowness: Failing to consider other perspectives, the contrary evidence, alternative frames of reference and points of view, more imaginative
possibilities, etc. 4.One way – my way: Analysing situation in a way that is favourable only to oneself without thinking about the needs and desires of others 5.Fuzzy: Lacking
clarity in ideas or sharpness to see the distinctions 6.Sprawling: Lacking organisation in thinking, everything is all over the place and fails to make a point 7.Oppositional: Doing
the opposite, no matter what people suggest 8.Not checking the “Blind Spot”: Something that one does not understand at all, often because he/she is not aware

What Is Responsible Decision-making?

Active and accurate involvement of assessing risks, evaluating and analysing the situation before making decisions; reflecting on pros, cons and the likely consequences of
alternative courses of action, respecting others, and taking personal responsibility for one’s own decisions. The value concepts are ultimately translated into action, be it improved
communication skills, better decision-making, and/or non-violent conflict resolution. This ability to make good decisions is a skill that comes with practice, experience and
guidance from caring, responsible adults. Responsible decision making skills are important in today’s world where one is often faced with a variety of choices and opportunities.
In order to make responsible decisions, one may need to consider the remarks of some prominent public members on “responsibility”.

What Are the Processes Involved in Responsible Decision-making?

Decision making is the act of choosing between two or more courses of action. However, is one able to always make the correct decision from among the available choices?
Although decisions can be made using either intuition or reasoning, a combination of both approaches is often used. Whichever approach is used, it is usually helpful to structure
decision-making in order to: •reduce more complicated decisions down to simpler steps •see how any decision is derived •plan decision making action to meet deadlines

Two structured approach will be introduced to assist in making decisions. However, some basic processes must always be considered. They are as follow:
1.Identify the problem and analyse it. This requires self-awareness of the problem and the need to gather facts pertaining to the problem.
-What is the source or root of the problem? -Who is involved? -What are their reasons? -How much time is needed to make the decision? -Who is responsible for making the
decision?
2.Establish the criteria or list the possible solutions one can think of to solve it. This process includes brainstorming or some other idea generating process, remembering to consider
the possibility of not making a decision or doing nothing, and be aware that both options are actually potential solutions in themselves.
3.Weigh the possible outcomes, bearing in mind the following criteria
-What are the goals to be achieved? -What are the relevant criteria? -What are the pros and cons of each solution? -What are the predicted consequences (long/short range)? -What
are the risks involved (real/opportunity costs)? -What are the resources (available/substitute/constraints)? -How will it affect one and others? -Is it legal and ethical?
4.Decide on the values (self and others) that are important. This includes considering the possible outcomes for now and the future, as well as one’s own sets of beliefs, family,
religion, friends, society, etc.
5.Evaluate by weighing and ranking alternatives in terms of selected criteria
-Risks -Unanticipated consequences -Strategies available to enact -Values
6.Choose the best alternative for implementation, bearing in mind the pros and cons of each course of action as timing may be critical.
Some Responsible Decision-making Formats
Responsible decision skills come from practice, experience and guidance from significant caring adults. One’s beliefs and values are very much influenced by his/her experiences at
home, school, workplace and the community at large. There is a need to recognise that there are possible consequences for every action taken. For example, if a person is conscious
in his/her purchases, and notes the difference between “needs” and “wants”, he/she is less likely to spend lavishly as well as not accumulate “white elephants” at home. However, if
a person is not conscious of his/her spendings, the person may incur debts with some of the credit card companies. Therefore, indirectly indicating that any decision made can have
some undesirable consequences.
We may need to abide by some criteria in making responsible decisions regarding our choices of solutions.
•Is it harmful to me or to others? •Is it wrong to do? •Is it against the law, school rules or my religion? •Would it disappoint my family or significant others? •Would I be hurt or
upset if someone did this to me?
Each option predicts the consequences of the action. Having considered all the options and their consequences, it will allow a person to choose the best course of action. One may
rethink his/her decision after administering it:

Making Responsible Decisions

1.Identify the decision to be made
Should I quit smoking? (You are welcome to attempt your own personal problem)
2.Think about the options. Throw out any options that are negative.
•Is it harmful to me or to others? •Is it wrong to do? •Is it against the law, university rules or my religion? •Would it disappoint my family or significant others? •Would I be hurt or
upset if someone did this to me?
3.Predict the consequences of each positive option.
Option 1: Advantages: Disadvantages: Option 2: Advantages: Disadvantages Option 3: Advantages: Disadvantages:
4.Choose the best option. My choice is:
5.Do what you decided.
6.Rethink your decision. (How did things turn out? What should I do differently the next time?)

Making Career Choices

In making career choices, there may be more than one procedural steps to consider.
Stage 1: Steps for decision-making:
•Identify your interests and strengths (self-awareness) •Consider the likely careers that suit your interests and strengths •Tick on interests and strengths related to the different jobs
•Total up the ticks to discover the three suitable careers

Criteria→ Interests Strengths

Career ↓
music children math reading fashion open to sociable flexible linguist caring Total
experience
Accountant √ 1

Teacher √ √ √ √ √ √ √ √ √ 9

Nurse √ √ √ √ √ 5

Fashion √ √ √ 3
Designer

Lawyer √ √ √ √ 4

Conclusion: 1) Teacher 2) Nurse 3) Lawyer

Stage 2: Examine the pros, cons, consequences and reasons of your decisions.
Steps:
•Set criteria e.g. housing, jobs, safety, etc.
•Consider the pros, cons, consequences and reasons for each chosen criteria.
•Rate the value on a scale of 1 to 5 (least to most)

Career: __Teacher______(Do likewise for the other two preferred careers)

Total: ___23__

Criteria Pros Cons Consequences Reasons Values

Education Needs degree Needs financial support Pursue studies Reputable degree is 5
from parents essential
Flexibility of Working School holidays - -more holidays than some Allows for destress 5
Hours careers
-can pursue interest areas
Salary - Not highly salaried May have to consider a Only bread winner in the 5
part time job family
Career Advancement Has prospects Depends on principal in May consider part time Keeps me updated on 4
school courses for advancement education system
Work Challenge Everyday is challenging May face difficult parents Stay focus on goals and To explore my passion 4
and never boring and supervisors improving communication and keeps me inspired
skills

The above exercise should be repeated to assess the other two alternative careers.
The career with the highest ratings will be your final choice.