The Last Judgement God Pronounces On Lawyers by Andrew Oliver

Being some extracts of God the Almighty’s trial of the profession of lawyers. Far in the future, as the
bible foretells, the appointed judgement day for the lawyers arrives.

* * *

Hot smoke-filled air surrounds the golden judgement throne. To the left stands Lucifer the
Defender. To the right stands the Archangel Michael. We see into the distance of the vast
subterranean cavern hundreds of millions of lawyers huddled together for mutual support in groups
that shall be called firms, trying to ignore the uncomfortable heat and smoke.

“Next?” the Archangel Michael gruffly says.

“Defendant number 283,314,271 … Call the honourable Cecil Satiric Porpoise QC, sometime
attorney-general,” Lucifer the Defender announces.

The Archangel Michael asks the penitent, “Do you swear on the bible to tell the truth, the whole
truth, and nothing but the truth?”

“Yes,” says Cecil Satiric Porpoise briskly.

The Archangel Michael then begins prosecuting, querying the penitent, “Have you ever drafted an
unfair contract?”

“Not Guilty,” Cecil Satiric Porpoise snaps.

“Lucifer the Defender intervening, “’No’ will be sufficient. If no be the true answer. Remember we
can see into your heart and soul.”

“Have you ever launched groundless appeals?”

“No.”

“Have you ever advised a client to sue who without lying outright doesn’t have a chose in action?”

“No.”

“Have you ever advised a client in relation to the principle of joint and several liability to sue the
wrong party because of insurance or so-said deep pockets, rather than the party really responsible
for a civil wrong?”

“No.”

“Have you ever maintained meritless lawsuits out of partnership funds seeking publicity?”

“No.”
“Have you ever countenanced ex parte hearings where malicious prosecutions have not been
questioned for truthfulness and correspondence with the facts?”

“No.”

“Have you ever bribed a jury?”

“No.”

“Have you ever conspired with clients to deceive the court on matters of fact?”

“No.”

“Have you ever objected to a juror being empanelled because of opportunistic rank prejudice?”

“No.”

“Have you ever stood on the vicarious liability of the accumulated proceeds of the labours of the
ordinary people to wit the taxpayer at large consolidated revenue?”

“Well, not really …”, Cecil Satiric Porpoise looking surprised.

Lucifer the Defender intervening, “This answer should really be ‘Not Guilty,’ see.”

“Have you ever drafted bills so verbose and ill-considered that said bill is best described as
wastepaper?”

Cecil Satiric Porpoise looked shifty.

Lucifer the Defender intervening, “Cecil Satiric Porpoise, may I suggest ’No Contest’ to this
question.”

Cecil Satiric Porpoise instead brusquely says, “But … I’ve a lot to say about the whole process of
legislation. Too many trendy left lawyers in the parliament for one thing. No concept of quality no
pride of work in their jobs. And, they all submit the most deceptive silly amendments …”

“Have you ever drafted bills so verbose and full of loopholes so padded out with plain English that
said bills were utterly ineffective in addressing the social grievance in question?”

Cecil Satiric Porpoise looking annoyed, says “I don’t like where these questions are leading …”

Lucifer the Defender intervening, “He really feels he was ordered to, by the cabinet. Maybe ‘No
Contest’ to this charge.”

“Have you ever let an axe murderer off scot-free because of meaningless technicalities?”

“No.”
“Not even by means of a misplaced comma in the Crimes Act?”

“Not deliberately. I’ve supervised the drafting of dozens of acts. I know not of any misplaced
commas in the Crimes Act. There is always a spelling error or two, a missing punctuation mark, a
wrong verb tense, you can’t be too careful …”

Lucifer the Defender interrupting, “Our plea is ’Not Guilty’ to this charge.”

The Archangel Michael looking at the golden judgement throne, intones “Finished”.

A half minute silence ensues. Then a ghostly voice emanating from the whereabouts of the
judgement throne intones, “Guilty as charged, four consolidated ethical breaches.”

“Next?” the Archangel Michael gruffly says.

* * *

The assembled lawyers barristers solicitors magistrates judges attorneys-general et cetera et cetera
hear a sustained piping of the trumpets … The time for God to pronounce sentence arrives!

A booming voice extends from the golden judgement throne able to be heard all throughout the vast
cavern, saying “Before sentence, ye lawyers one and all guilty as sin of ethical breaches, will ye all
recant? Plain language law full of confusion dumbed down to increase loopholes and let evildoers
off scot-free, I your God asks ye all to recant?”

A cacophony of lawyers replies in Latin … But then suddenly screams began, as hot burning molten
lava flows from nowhere it seems and steadily fills the vast subterranean cavern, burning and
cremating the corpses.

* * *

After the trial, Lucifer the Defender and the Archangel Michael dedicate a monument to the ignoble
profession, on the Earth’s surface above the erstwhile subterranean cavern tomb.

The Archangel Michael waves his hands. A large monument stone inscribed in gilt with “Here lies
the profession of lawyers,” appears. He says “We had such high hopes of the lawyers. They could
have made the world so much better for the great masses of ordinary people. But they were
corrupted. They tried too hard to win every case and every cause, even those fated to be
wrongheaded. Rest in peace lawyers diverse and mistaken. Misfortunates all. Ashes to ashes, dust
to dust …”

Lucifer the Defender nods, muttering something about the Great Satan returning to its lair …

As they walk off into the distance, Lucifer the Defender asks “Which profession next? Politicians or
soldiers or …”

The Archangel Michael replying, “Politicians I think. We have to consult the angelic hierarchy …”.