Your Teen Is Not Crazy – 5

“Hold On, I Just Have to Send This”

Raising Kids in the Digital Age
Adapted from Your Teenager is NOT Crazy, by Dr. Jeramy Clark & Jerusha Clark, Chapters 15-16
(Handouts can be downloaded at hcbc.com/parenting)

Key Scripture
1 Corinthians 6:12
“’I have the right to do anything,’ you say—but not everything is beneficial. ‘I have the right
to do anything’—but I will not be mastered by anything.”

Key Idea: We need to help our kids develop wisdom and discernment in their use of
technology and media.

Discussion Question
• Last week we asked you to write down and sort your top ten sources of tension into
o We need to establish a firm boundary here
o We can negotiate
o We can let go of this.
Which did you decide you can let go of?

“Hold On, I Just Have to Send This”

• Technology has shifted from “a problem” to “THE problem” of contention in many
families. Even with limits and filters, guidelines and agreements, technology remains
a major source of contention.
• How teens spend their time is shaping their brains. The more particular neural
pathways are stimulated, the more they’re strengthened (“hardwired”).
• Average teens are exposed to between seven and eight and ½ hours of electronic
media each day. Much of this is digital multi-tasking. Thus, your teen’s brain is
radically changed by spending hours using technology or being exposed to it.
• Digital media stimulates the brain’s reward system, and the teenage brain is
particularly sensitive to pleasure. Overstimulation or use of the reward center results
in a decrease in the experience of gratification.

Smart Phones
• Students asked to abstain from media for 24 hours reported disturbing feelings --
“My phone has my whole life in it. If I ever lost it, I think I would die.”
• Over half of adolescents experience feelings of anxiety and insecurity when their
text messages go unanswered and 73% feel “panicked” if they misplace their phone.
• Heavy cell phone use in adolescents result in
o Fatigue and mood disruption
o Shorter attention spans, make more errors in memory-based tasks, slower
learning, and less retention than their peers
• Digital use while driving has surpassed drunk driving as the leading cause of
teenage accidents and fatalities. Some research says texting while driving is six
times more dangerous than driving while drunk.
• Many teens first view porn on digital devices

Your Teen Is Not Crazy—5 1 10/08/17

e-mail Parenting@hcbc.com with questions and requests for future class topics last updated 10/11/17
Social Media
• Social media activity, online friends, and “likes” (either more or the lack thereof)
produce insecurity anxiety, and dissatisfaction with their lives
o “Many of my friends are happier than me.”
o FOMO (fear of missing out)
• As number of “friends” increase, teenagers begin to treat them more as
commodities. There’s no need to work through relationship difficulties when you can
just “unfriend” them.
• Scientists have linked social networking to lack of self-control since it interferes with
clear thinking and decision-making

Internet Surfing
• The Internet has become our primary source of knowledge and entertainment. But it
promotes cursory reading, hurried and distracted thinking, and superficial learning.
• Typical attention span today is eight seconds; we now have continuous partial
attention. “Technology is simultaneously enhancing productivity and destroying
depth.” 1
• The Internet reinforces a mentality of, “I am the center of my own universe”

An activity can become addictive if it

• Provides pleasure and gives relief from unpleasant emotions
• Requires increasing activity to satisfy
• Makes a person feel uncomfortable or distressed when access is denied
• Creates conflict with people or life responsibilities
• Becomes difficult to set aside, despite attempts to do so
• Ultimately dominates someone’s life, both in what they do and what they think about

How Parents Can Help

• “Multitasking gets more accomplished” is a myth; all adolescents believe this
o Model paying attention to one thing at a time
o Multitasking inherently decreases our attention, and impacts ability to focus. “This
opens us up to shallow and weak judgments and decisions, and it results in passive
mindlessness.” 2
o When kids need to focus on one task (e.g., homework), don’t allow digital
multitasking, unless it’s listening to calming music.
• The ABCs of Social Media & Technology
o Awareness: Be aware of your teen’s social media habits
o Boundaries: Establish boundaries (not at meals, night curfew); expand boundaries
as teens mature and are gain responsibility
o Communication: Discussions need to happen. Share your online experiences, your
positive & negative feelings. Talking about the little, casual things will open the
opportunity to talk about bigger issues later.
• Establish a technology agreement/contract. Key issues:
o Create the contract together. You can negotiate but know your boundaries.
o Security and Privacy – 59% of teens interact with strangers online and overshare
information

1
Dr. Richard Swenson, In Search of Balance, (NavPress, 2010), p. 205.
2
Leaf, p. 102
Your Teen Is Not Crazy—5 2 10/08/17
e-mail Parenting@hcbc.com with questions and requests for future class topics last updated 10/11/17
 o Propriety: Sites/activity that is ok and those that aren’t (e.g., porn, cyberbullying). Be
sure they know they can talk to you penalty-free if they encounter inappropriate
images or info online
o Let kids pay for tech overuse fees
o Parental monitoring and access (passwords, Internet history, texting, etc…)
o Parental privileges – Calls or texts from parents should take priority
o No phone use while driving
o Teach “people first, devices second.” (Anticipate a learning curve.)

Faith 101
• The Bible consistently tells us to “pay attention to wisdom”
Proverbs 4:1
“Listen, my sons, to a father’s instruction; pay attention and gain understanding.”
• Deep thinking helps develop adolescent’s prefrontal cortex. Ask questions. Get
them to think. Interruptions from a cell phone takes away our choice of what to focus
on.
• Reward teens for memorizing scripture
Isaiah 55:11
“so is my word that goes out from my mouth: It will not return to me empty, but will
accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.”
“It’s Not That Bad” – Media
• “What we focus our attention on and what we spend time doing directly stimulates
the growth of those parts of the brain that carry out those functions.” 3
Music
• Listen to the lyrics of the songs they listen to, so you can be ready to have casual
discussions with them asking them what they think of them and how it impacts them
• Notice the sexuality, violence, and selfishness
• If you censor your teen’s music, you may create musical martyrs, and you will be
less effective. Use what your teen chooses to expose the truths and lies about life
presented by cultural voices.
Magazines and Books
• Research shows that adolescent girls feel guilty, depressed, and anxious after
looking at a fashion magazine for only three minutes
• “According to a former editor, the acknowledged purpose of these magazines is ‘to
convince women that something is wrong with them (i.e., hair, body, sex life, etc.) so
that they can sell their product’” 4
Gaming
• Healthy levels of video gaming can develop quick thinking and spatial skills, as well
as hand-eye coordination and sensory integration
• But, they tend to emphasize rapid responses in the brain instead of encouraging
thoughtful decisions

3
Dr. Daniel Siegel, Brainstorm, (TarcherPerigee, 2015), pp. 90-91
4
Dr. Jeramy Clark and Jerusha Clark, Your Teenager is NOT Crazy: Understanding Your Teen’s Brain Can
Make You a Better Parent, (Baker Books, 2016), p. 178.
Your Teen Is Not Crazy—5 3 10/08/17
e-mail Parenting@hcbc.com with questions and requests for future class topics last updated 10/11/17
 • During and long after video gaming, adolescents’ prefrontal cortexes function even
less effectively plus gamers are rewarded for destructive behaviors
• Over 2K scientific studies agree that ongoing exposure to violent video games
increases the risk of aggression and reactivity, decreases empathy and sensitivity,
and can lead to a harsh view of the world 5
• Parents: Observe how much they are exposed to. Don’t trust estimates, write it
down over 2-4 weeks. Evaluate their behavior before and after playing/watching.
Notice patterns and unhealthy attachments (breaking rules, lying or manipulating to
play more, choosing games over family or friends, angry when asked to stop, etc.)
How Parents Can Help
• We need to help our kids develop discernment—how to sift through large amounts
of data, identifying what’s true and useful, discarding junk, and ignoring noise
• Establish an ongoing dialog around these questions
o Does this promote truth or lies?
o Do I want to be like these characters? What is it that you like about them?
Teach your teens to watch the way characters speak to and about people, the
way they treat others, and demonstrate responsibility
o What does this say about family? And authority figures.
o What does this say about faith? Your teen will watch thousands of hours of
media during adolescence—how much of that will be faith-based or promote
a positive view of God
Faith 101
• What we put in our minds, changes us
o Cherokee parable: We each have two wolves fighting in us, one evil, one
good. The one we feed is the one who will win.
Proverbs 23:7a (NASB)
“For as he thinks within himself, so he is.”
• We should use the freedom God has given us to choose wisely (1 Corinthians 6:12)
• Plan a family media Sabbath.
This Week at Home
• If you don’t have one, establish a technology contract with your kids.
• Talk to your kids about something you see on the Internet. Ask what they think,
share your opinions, but don’t make it a lecture.
Recommended Resource

Your Teenager is Not Crazy:

Understanding Your Teen’s Brain Can Make You a Better Parent

by Dr. Jeramy Clark and Jerusha Clark

(2016, Baker Books)

5
The American Academy of Pediatrics, “Policy Statement—Media Education,”
http://pediatrics.aappublications.org/content/early/2010/09/27/peds.2010-1636. Accessed October 7, 2017.
Your Teen Is Not Crazy—5 4 10/08/17
e-mail Parenting@hcbc.com with questions and requests for future class topics last updated 10/11/17