Running head: A House Divided 1

A House Divided: Children Living with Parents in Different Houses

Sydney Hamilton
SUNY Canton
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Abstract

The point of focus for this research paper is: How can teachers and/or childcare workers help

young children cope with living in two homes. Divorce or the separation of children’s parents is a

massive change for children to deal with regardless of age. They don’t always understand what is

going on in their environment, but they do often witness the destructive behaviors exhibited by

their parents. The paper examined what the psychological, and emotional affects divorce might

pose to the child. As one of the prominent figures in a child’s life teachers can help children that

are going through this stressful transition. Teachers and parent can work together to help adjust

children to the new changes being made around them. This support can be manifested in many

ways, like family counseling with one or both parents. Having in place a set schedule that all adults

and the child can follow may avoid any unnecessary conflicts. Lastly, having the child feel normal

and accepted, and understanding that they are not alone will reduce negative possibilities that

divorce can pose to a young child.

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A house divided: Children Living with Parents in Different Houses

The divorce rate in the United States has been on a steady decline over recent years.

However, 50% of all the children born to married parents today, will experience the divorce of

their parents before they are 18 years old. (Fagan, Fitzgerald, Rector,1997) Often times in

situations like these parents get swept up in their material problems and tend lose focus of their

most important responsibility, their children. Divorce is a major change for the adults there is no

doubt about that, however children are also greatly affected by this drastic change. Sudden shifts

in their environment can leave children feeling confused, frustrated and alone. Children’s first

teachers are there parents, before they enter the classroom children are well into their formative

years. Having an unstable environment can be very detrimental to development of the “WHOLE

CHILD”. The whole child approach to education is defined by policies, practices, and

relationships that ensure each child, in each school, in each community, is healthy, safe, engaged,

supported, and challenged. (ASCD.org) When a child’s home life is fragmented so is their

foundation, leaving cracks in their development where children can start to fall behind. Within

the parameters of this paper it is the goal to further analyze the effects that divorce has on

children based on reliable data which have been provided by credible sources. Aside from the

effects divorce has on children, this paper will also delve into the counter measures that teachers

can take to ensure that children feel supported, encouraged and overall safe in their learning

community.
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Children thrive in environments in which they feel safe and protected. It is the teacher’s

responsibility to provide a supportive and comfortable community of learners. A community of

learners is successful when children feel healthy, safe, engaged, supported, and challenged.

When the learning community adheres to all the criteria the environment is conducive to

teaching the whole child. Teachers strive to cater to the whole child. The whole child approach is

utilized to enrich all the aspects that make up a child, which entails the physical, social,

emotional, cognitive and language development. To place that in simplified terms, the whole

child approach is educators attempt to help facilitate the enrichment of the mind, body, feelings,

and communication of children. Teachers do this by following policies, practices and focusing

on relationships with the child and figures in their microsystem. A child’s microsystem is their

immediate surroundings, which typically includes family, peers, classroom and religious settings.

The whole child approach does encourage and require a great deal of family engagement as well

as knowledge of social and emotional wellness. Sadly, this has the potential to be both very

challenging and confusing when dealing with children that are a product of divorce or long-term

separation. “Approximately 50% of American children will witness the breakup of a parent's

marriage. Of these, close to half will also see the breakup of a parent’s second marriage.”

(Furstenberg, F. F., Nord, C. W., Peterson, J. L., & Zill, N., 1983) Seeing that divorce affects

such a vast number of children it is imperative to understand how it affects children and their

development, especially in terms of their emotional and social health.

Children that have parents who are in the process or have been through a divorce are

often thrusted into a very stress-inducing situation. Children don’t always understand the social

complexities that adults exist in, how they do feel the results of their actions. Divorce typically

means children lose daily contact with one parental figure, and more times than not it is the
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father figure. An unexplained change of that magnitude can be detrimental for a child and their

bonding skills. It can be hard for children who are going through traumatic experiences like this

to understand or even cope with changes inside their microsystem. No one can predict how a

child might react, because children are unique and are very different in the way he or she think

and process information. Younger children often struggle to understand why their family no

longer live in the same house or why they must now travel to see another parent, which can be

very confusing and frustrating. Slightly older children might worry that their parents’ divorce is

somehow their fault. Children are egocentric, which means they are unable to see past

themselves. In cases like divorce, children might harbor wrongly placed guilt because they

believe their parent's separation was caused by something that they said or did. Older children,

around the 13 to 17 years of age might become enraged about divorce and all the aftershock that

comes with it. Being that teens are a little older they can process and understand all the changes

being made around them. However, being powerless to stop or change what is happening around

them is where the rage and frustration it produces. They might express that frustration by

blaming one or in some cases both parents for the dissolution of the marriage. Resentment

towards both parents is very common because the family structure has been fragmented and that

suppressed rage is their coping mechanism. (Morin, LCSW, 2018) Studies that show that

children and teenagers of divorce are three times more likely (35% instead of 13%) to need

psychological help within a given year. (Hill,1993). In addition, it was found that children from

divorced homes have more psychological problems than children from which one of the parents

has died. (Emery,1988) Divorce is a complex issue and children often are not yet fully equipped

to handle serious matters like this.

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Children are born primed to communicate. Deep inside the brain, in an area called

hippocampus, memories of the mother's voice are stored before birth. It is connected to the

emotional part of the brain (limbic system) these earliest memories clearly have emotional

connections. As children grow, they learn how to properly communicate with others. When

children are placed in an environment that they feel safe and comfortable they are able to focus

on learning social and emotional cues. Humans are social beings, children are no exception.

They learn how to communicate and socialize through watching and participating in their

immediate community. However, when their society is challenged, they need to find a way to

respond to adversity, which can look different to each child. Some children tend to withdraw

from socialization completely. These children tended to be lonely, unhappy, anxious and

insecure. “Children divorce statistics indicate that children of divorced parents are four times

more likely to report relational problems with peers and friends than children whose parents have

kept their marriages intact.” (Burnett, 1993) Some children struggle to deal with the anger they

feel inside and don’t know how to express themselves appropriately, so their aggression builds.

Children of divorce tend to be more aggressive toward others. This is especially the case for

boys. (Emery, 1988) It doesn’t stop there, children who are products of divorced families are

prone to experience externalizing problems like conduct disorders, delinquency and impulse

behavior. In most cases these children are starved for attention and acting out can guarantee them

a response from the adult they are seeking attention from with little to no regard if the attention is

bad or good. When children are focusing on trying to obtain basic needs like affection, it is not

hard to understand that children academics might take a plunge which might be unusual for some

students. “Children from divorced families don’t perform as well academically. Studies show

kids from divorced families also score lower on achievement tests. Parental divorce has also
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been linked to higher truancy rates and higher dropout rates.” (Morin, LCSW,2018) Sadly if no

help or invention is provided these children run the risk of participating and making unhealthy

habits like preadolescent drinking, marijuana and tobacco use as well as other drugs with other

at-risk peers. (Morin, LCSW, 2018) risky behavior that goes unchecked for too long can lead

children down the wrong life path. “The high school dropout rate of children of divorced parents

is roughly two times higher than that of children of which the parents did not divorce.”

(McLanahan, Sandefur, 1994) The other side of the dark path is suicide and self-harm. (Adult)

children of divorce are almost twice as likely to attempt suicide than children from normal

homes. (Velez-Cohen, 1988) All of these factors play a part in proving why help children cope

and come to term with divorce is a serious and necessary to ensure that children can move

forward with their lives. It is the job of both the teacher and parents in each children life to

ensure that the child is cared for and can express themselves in a manner that is conducive to

growth and acceptance.

Parents and undoubtedly the most important people in their children’s life. However,

teachers are a close second, being that they have direct contact with the child at school for 8 to 9

hours out of the day, 5 days a week. It is important that parents and teachers work together to

create and nurture a positive relationship for the betterment of each child. When dealing with

parents that are going through a divorce, it is important for them to understand that the child is

the most important thing that they have in common and should be treated as such. Parents can

make the choice to either separately or altogether plan a meeting with both the teacher and a

psychologist or school social worker. The goal of the meeting is to make the child aware of the

major changes being made around them. This can offer the child an opportunity to bond with

someone that is not a part of the situation. To avoid any confusion and unnecessary conflict there
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should be a drop-off and pick up schedule for the child. The schedule should be consistent and

followed very closely. It provides both the teacher and the child a sense of order. It is

understandable that a child whose parents are divorcing might be a little withdrawn from

activities. It is important that the teacher and parents don’t pressure the child into talking and

allow the child to come to them when they are ready to talk. In the meantime, all adult in the

child’s life is supportive and accepting. Many children might just want to listen and or watch

instead of participating. Teachers should be mindful and just check in with the child periodically.

Children need to know that they are not alone and that there are many other kids that dealing

with the same issues as them. teachers should help the child understand that not all changes are

bad and most importantly that it’s not their fault. It is imperative that the child feels safe and

secure in their environment. They should be reassured that they are loved and cared for by both

of their parents no matter the circumstances at home. They might require a little more attention

than their peers at times and that is ok. It might be as little as offering a warm smile, praise, and

support. Teacher and parent/ guardian in a child’s life need to work together to ensure that a

child is getting all that they need for them to develop and grow into a fully functioning adult.

(Hollman, 2017)

When children are raised in a safe and secure environment, they can focus on developing

essential skills that will help them for the rest of their lives. Divorce is a major change for adults

and the children in their lives. As the paper analyzed, children tend to react in a multitude of

ways when there is a sudden unexplained shift in their immediate environment. Often children of

divorce can be left feeling confused, frustrated, angry, guilty and alone. When children are left

alone to deal with life altering decision like divorce, they are prone to exhibit risky behaviors.

Behaviors that children may participate in include but are not limited to is preadolescent
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drinking, marijuana and tobacco use and unsafe sexual activity. If the adults in a child’s do not

work to support and help to stop risky behavior children can be swayed down a self-destructive

path. When parents and teachers work together to provide a secure and stable environment for

the child, the child in turn will be more appt to positively respond to stressful situations. A

strong teacher and parental relationship should consist of a fluid flow of information and

communication. All adults in children’s lives should strive to make sure that the child is getting

all that they need to feel supported through an otherwise very stressful situation. That support

can look like family therapy with a social worker or school aid. However, it can be as small as

setting up and following a schedule that clearly highlights drop off and pick up times for all

adults to follow. When parents and teacher come together, they uplift and support the child and

help to mend and cracks in their foundation need to grow into a high functioning adult.
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References

Morin, A., & Gans, S. (n.d.). The Psychological Effects of Divorce on Children. Retrieved from

https://www.verywellfamily.com/psychological-effects-of-divorce-on-kids-4140170

Maltais, M. (2015, September 14). How parents and teachers can work

together to help kids. Retrieved from http://www.latimes.com/local/education/back-to-

school/la-me-edu-how-parents-and-teachers-can-work-together-to-help-kids20150828-

story.html

Christopher C, Carr C, Wolchik S, et al. Long-term effects of a parenting preventive intervention

on young adults’ painful feelings about divorce. Journal of Family Psychology.

2017;31(7):799-809. doi:10.1037/fam0000325.

Gustavsen, G., Nayga, R., & Wu, X. (2016). Effects of Parental Divorce on Teenage Children’s

Risk Behaviors: Incidence and Persistence. Journal of Family & Economic Issues, 37(3),

474–487. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10834-015-9460-5

Stanton, M. (2013). Children’s issues with separation and divorce. Salem Press Encyclopedia of

Health. Retrieved from

https://login.libproxy.canton.edu/login?url=http://search.ebscohost.com/login.aspx?direct

=true&db=ers&AN=93871834&site=eds-live&scope=site

Hollman (2017) 7 Tips on How Teachers Can Help Kids with Divorcing Parents. (2017,

February 13). Retrieved from https://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/7-tips-on-how-

teachers-can-help-kids-with-divorcing_us_58a20c74e4b0e172783a9f33

Emery, R. E. (1999). Marriage, divorce, and children’s adjustment. Thousand Oaks, CA: Sage

Publications.
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Fagan, P. (2000, June 5). The Effects of Divorce on America. Retrieved October 21, 2018, from

https://www.heritage.org/marriage-and-family/report/the-effects-divorce-america