‘THE NEW MINDFULNESS Liferdit 7 THINGS ’VE QUIT FOR SANI ’S SAKE Saying yes to everyone? Gone. Fuming in silence? No more. Swearing off a handful of habits can slash a person’s stress level By Jancee Dunn IN MY ENDLESS QUEST TO FEEL more Zen, I recently realized that some habits were holding ime back in a big way. Bidding adieu to these self sabotaging behaviors did wonders for my blood-pressure levels. ere are the seven worst offenders. 1. Running late used to be notorious for being Jate—to the point where friends ‘would tell me alunch date started at 12:45 80 that I'd arrive at the actual start time of 1:00. ‘Why did Ido this to myself— ‘and to my friends? Cognitive researchers have found that chronically tardy people like me have what is called a “planning fallacy”: a combination of opti- ‘ism (there probably won't be any traffic on the highway!) and completely unrealistic estima- tions of how much time is actu- ally required to do something (’msure Ican get across town in 10 minutes, because I did that ‘Iwas using this delusional ‘method all the time, And if Tmbeing honest here, a thrill- seeking part of me liked the ex- citement of cutting it close—until ‘one day when I found myself cry- ing in a cab, having missed yet another important meeting be- cause of poor planning. ‘Being late is stressful—not to mention rude. It’ not charm- ingly flaky to run constantly be- hind; it’s annoying. Now I force -yself to leave absurdly early for appointments. I don’t miss feel- ing nauseated as traffic crawls, and ifLarrive early, I can com- ‘pose myself beforehand. (Show- ing up for a meeting flustered, sweaty and babbling excuses does not exactly telegraph confi- dence and capability) 2. Saying yes to everything Until recently, whenever Iwas hit up for something involving ‘my time or money—a fundraiser, volunteer sign-up sheet— would say yes, stew about it later and then, more often than not, desperately contrive ways to get out oft, Butresearch from the University of Califor- nia, San Francisco, shows that the more trouble you have say- ing no, the more likely you are toTHE NEW MINDFULNESS fe Flt experience burnout and stress Professional time-management ‘expert Barbara Reich taught me a foolproof way to say no. Her first rule: think before you automati- cally answer. Second, say no, but not why. Thanks so much for the invitation. Pm sorry can't attend; itsounds lke a great time. Ifyou are asked to volunteer and it’s nota cause that resonates with you, simply say, “'m sorry, but Tan’t” No reason is necessary, says Reich, so curb the impulse togive one. Don't make excuses, (your friend may not understand ‘why you're choosing your son's soccer game over the 5K run she's organizing), and don't lie. also practice Brené Brown's “boundary mantra”: choose dis- comfort over resentment. As she told me, “Ask yourself, ‘Am I say- ing yes because it's more com- fortable to say yes now, but Pl be more resentful at the end?” 3. Following celeb drama It's tempting to gorge on the lat- est doings of reality stars, sroll- ing through photo after photo of celebrities clutching It Bags or paddleboarding with their new boyfriend in Turks and Cai- cos. So why does this seemingly harmless distraction often leave us feeling sad and alittle hollow? One reason is that celebrity gossip is often negative—and ‘worse, that’s how people like it. In a 2015 study published in the journal Social Neuroscience, sci- entists measured participants’ Drains as they read celebrity gos- sip—and found that the pleasure centers of their brains lit up con- siderably when the gossip was negative. After a while, schaden- freude doesnt feel very good, Even ifthe gossip is positive, the 0 fabulousness of thei starry lives may provide an instant hit of ex- citement, butit leaves you feel- ing crummy for your lack of it ‘My moment of reckoning came when Ifound myselfon Instagram, whizzing past my sis- ter’s post of her Disneyland visit with her kids to get to Khloé Kardashian's photo of her vaca~ tion in St. Barts. Ithit me that Thad breezed right past my nieces’ happy faces to see what a stranger was doing on a yacht, Now that I've cut back, also realize how much mental space Iwas devoting to the names of stars’ pets. I don’t need to be in possession of this information. 4. Silently fuming Here's the diy little secret about fuming when someone cuts in front of you in a bank line orlets a door slam in your face: self-righteous outrage feels good. There's a certain satisfac- tion in thinking, Wow, Lwould never be that rude. But silently stewing hurts one person: you. Not long ago, Twas sitting at a café when aman entered, pulled cout his cellphone and began jab- bering at the top of hs lungs. 'm not the confrontational type, so wasn’t going to ask him to tone itdown. Instead, Ishot him dirty looks. I marinated in my anger. Did he notice? Of course not. ‘Then [reminded myself: I can movel Or leave! Idon't have to stew! I left and sat ina park. You can't control others’ behav- ior, but you can control your ‘own, Now Task myself, What can Ido to make this better? How can , as psychologists say, “stay on my own side”? ‘There's usually something you can do, which provides a welcome feel- {ng of control when others hijack your well-being, 5. Loading up my weekend Every working parent I know spends weekdays ata dead run, sprinting from meeting to ap- pointment to playdate, and I'm no different. But at some point, started scheduling weekends the same way, acing from one thing to the next: Brunch! Grocery shopping! Go, go, got Tame to my senses after talking to time-management expert Julie Morgenstern, who has ordered the schedules of high-powered executives at companies such as FedEx and Microsoft. She says that when ‘we overstuff our weekends, we needlessly inject conflict into ‘our lives. As she told me, “You shoulda ask ‘How much can 1 fit in?’ but “What is going to en- engize us or relax us?” Asking those questions helped me pare down our itinerary. ‘Morgenstern also advises, breaking up the weekend into seven units: Friday night; Sat- urday morning, afternoon and night; and Sunday morning, af- ternoon and night. She had me devote some units to relaxation and some to errands and things that had to get done. Friday night would be pizza night with friends, Saturday morning was errands, and Saturday afternoon ‘was soccer practice. The secret to making weekends less fre- netic, she said, is to avoid having the units bleed into each other— which turned out tobe true, 6. Clothes shopping used to think I was mind- fulabout shopping becausel-Mindfadl shopping means asking yourself, “Do Ire Studies sho would buy only things on sale— conveniently ignoring the fact that I really wasn't hurting for clothes. Studies show we wear only 20% of the items in our closet; in my case, that number ‘was on the high side Occasionally I had a legiti- imate reason to buy a new out- fir, but in many cases, didn't “need” anything—Tjust liked the dopamine hit of having something new in my wardrobe. Buying crap you don’t need with money you don't have, and wast ing a whole Saturday doing so, is not fun—it causes agita. Now I shop online with a specific item ne don't wear 80% ofthe in mind, rather than aimlessly browsing. IfI find something I like, I park it in my cart for three days before making a decision, and then I deliberate whether need that new sweater or not. Usually the answer is no. 7, Pretending I'm cooler than Tactuaily am ws easier to own your little quirks than to squander your precious energy making excuses for them. I found I was a lot ‘more relaxed when I came clean to fiends that I really don’t like going out at night. IF Thave to attend an event that takes place rd this? Will it make my life better?” clotkes in our wardrobe after7 psm,, it hangs on my ca: nda like a spider. I picture it with inereasing dread until the evening arrives, when [ mourn- fully apply my mascara and tell myself, “Don’t worry, in afew hours, you'll be home in your nice pajamas.” I just like day: time activities, when the sun is | shining and I have more energy. IF you want to meet for break- fast, 'm your girl. lam fully aware that this mindset is very Fimiting and more than alittle eecentrie. But being inauthentic is atime suck. Now that I've em- braced my inner grandma, Pm a lot happier.