Dear Shia,

I feel like
A cry for help
A pain of unwanted memories
Creeping in my ear as if bugs were burrowing a cozy place to live.
I see energy
I hear static and loud buzzing noises
As if im sort of wireless connection
I always see you
You dug a hole in my heart
With your dirty attire
Military boots and ripped shirts
Dirty hands and a lit cigarette
Its a strange addiction….. Creeping your photos
I see you as
A normal being
Yet an angry soul
I ask myself many times
Why him???
He appears to be a psychopath
He's NOT famous actor
Who uses art to escape his mental games
But when I see you…..
I see a man with a heart of Gold
I see a genuine soul
I see life!!!!!
You sees what i see
I cried many tears
I raged the same way you did
We have similar qualities
We have holes in our hearts
We dig and dig and dig
But no luck
We exercise our thoughts through rage
I like to break shit when im angry
But when i look at you i calm down
I say to myself…..
He is way crazier than i am
Shia says Just do it!!!
So im fucking doing it. right now im out the box
Your perception of live art
Inspires me to reach my creative side
The part of me that i love
I lost that girl a long time ago …….
10 years of wasted depression
When i could of just did it
Im transforming in to a buzzing bumble bee
Putting my thoughts in writing
Creating….. Feeling….
Doing what i want
Fucking reaching for the stars
Because when i close my eyes
I see an actress
I see myself on a red carpet
With a contagious smile
The light of the room
The girl i used to be
With the red dress
And the curly hair
The huge ass
And the funny
Sweet and kind personality
To match
Where is she?????
I look at models and say
I don't look like them
Having 3 kids and 3 c sections
Morph my abdomen in to a stretched flab of uncomfortable fat
20 pounds of extra skin that just hangs there
The rest of my body great
But i wear my scars and my skin proud
It made me who i am today
It reminds me of the 10 years of baggage i have endured
My empathy is so strong for my “ x”
I have put “him” first
I always put someone's feelings before mine
No matter how bad the pain the anguish they put me through
I would never leave a friend in a fire
But my heart urns more
My spirit wants more
I need more
I don't feel like i belong
I feel alone
Like a piece of me is missing
My soul craves for the one who released my creative happiness
My soul is never going to stop wanting
To find the one
Who makes me
Feel
Like
Its
Ok
To
Be
E
The creeper of my Paradoxical soul
The twilight zone
The black hole
Im addicted to the smile
The weirdness that he embraced
I am sweet like honey
I see a man that wears every color
A dreamer
A novelist
A creative soul
Whom I admire
I have dug many holes
But still find my way back to you
Not as lust
Not as obsession
But for comfort
Knowing that there is someone out there
Who is just like me
A complete weirdo

Love,
Erica