Gabrielle Masterson

Professor Tekeli

WRD 110 - 202

3 February 2019

C1: Personal Essay Draft

"There were always those nights where her mind went to war with her heart. The fight between

what she knew, what she felt, and what she had to do. Sometimes the hardest decisions are

made under the moon.” (r.h. Sin)

Close your eyes, and imagine that all of the peaceful and empty space around you is

suddenly crowded. It is invaded with negative thoughts, responsibilities, self doubt, fear, ene-

mies, late night thoughts, dark secrets, and everything in between. Everything and everyone in

the entire universe has somehow found a way to press up against you, and suffocate you from

your surroundings. You begin to feel trapped in that one moment, hopelessly trying to clear

your mind and break free of the barrier that is holding you back from touching reality. Your

heart races and palms sweat, as your body ignites into a flame. There is no way to truly de-

scribe such an experience. It leaves you feeling alone and confused. It comes out of no where.

It twirls you around, blurs your vision, pushes you over, and steals your breath just to leave you

to have to recover from such a horror all alone. This is anxiety. This is what forty million Ameri-

cans go through, eighteen percent of our population. I am one of those forty million. I have also

been diagnosed with multiple heart problems. My occasional anxiety and constant heart prob-

lems act as a cause and effect of each other, not knowing which one initially starts an

episode ultimately allows it to spiral into chaos. Due to these circumstances, I went from being

a skilled soccer player guaranteed to play at a high collegiate level, to having to choose be-
tween a sport and my health. This choice put my life into a different perspective and ultimately

changed my character and lifestyle for the better. 

While growing up, I was always that child that seemed to worry too much. Even at a

very young age, I worried about everything. Spanning from small childish things to even signifi-

cant real world things that children shouldn't be worrying about, I was worrying about it. Back

then, my family didn't think anything of it other than that I was just a very cautious person.

However, while reflecting on my past I believe that I had anxiety at even four or five years old.

This anxiety revealed its true colors during my junior year of high school. My stress level was at

an all time high and my mental health was significantly effected by that. During this time, I was

also diagnosed with numerous heart problems. I was still allowed to play sports and be active

with these medical issues. Although, I came to realize that my heart and my anxiety seemed as

though they were working together against me. While playing soccer, my heart would begin to

race, following this, I would get anxiety about it racing and about how I was unable to catch my

breath. Getting anxiety about my heart problems, caused the problems to escalate even more.

These circumstances held me back while playing soccer but I was still able to compete. How-

ever, one day during my junior year I was at a college soccer camp and my heart problems

reached a different level.

I was in the middle of playing when all of the sudden I felt a constant sharp pain in my

left arm. I tried to just shake it off and I continued playing. A few moments later, my heart be-

gan racing extremely fast. I couldn't catch my breath and there was a deep pain in my chest.

My vision then got blurry and I felt confused, as I couldn't focus on anything. I fell to the

ground and the next thing I knew someone was taking me to the hospital. After spending a

long time in the hospital they informed me that I had a minor heart attack. After numerous

events involving my anxiety and my heart holding me back, I quickly began to lose interest in

what I used to love doing. It became clear that I was going to have to choose whether or not to

continue my soccer career. 

  I took a step back from my hectic and fast moving life to try to see it from a different

perspective. I grew up playing soccer and it became such an outlet for me to get my mind off

of reality. The game of soccer acted as my second home. However, I realized that it had be-

come such a significant outlet for me that all of my anxiety ended up getting planted within the

game. I played to let go of all of my worries, but once they were free from me they somehow

remained on the field awaiting my next practice or game. It was a hard pill to swallow knowing

that a sport that used to mean everything to me evolved into something that was ultimately

hurting me. However, after an extremely long time spent thinking, I decided to let my senior

year of high school be the last time I ever played. I decided to hold onto all of the good memo-

ries the sport gave me and all of the valuable life lessons it taught me, and to walk away. Look-

ing back now, if I decided to play in college I believe deep down that it would have completely

ruined the sport for me and effected both my physical and mental health negatively. 

This decision that I had to make was not an easy discussion with my family. As almost

all of my cousins went on to play soccer in college, it was in the family blood. My parents were

extremely invested in my soccer career as they spent my whole life driving me to tournaments,

games, and practices. My mother was the manager of my club soccer team since I was eight

years old, so the sport meant just as much to her as it did to me. They wanted nothing more

than for me to continue playing.

However, everyone around me saw how I was struggling. They noticed how it was

weighing me down emotionally and effecting my lifestyle. After hours of conversations with my

family, they comforted me in saying that they would support whatever decision I made. Today,

they are happy with where I am at and the university I was able to attend after letting go of the

sport of soccer. I know that all of my friends and family, as well as myself, see how much

weight was lifted off of my shoulders and how happier I am.

Overall, this experience changed my life for the better. It taught me how to let go of

something. It showed me that walking away while keeping in mind that even though its over, it

was great while it lasted is sometimes most beneficial for where you are at life in that moment.
Nothing lasts forever. We have limited time to do the things that we do, with the people that we

do them with. At times you must close a door of your past in order to unlock the door to your

next journey. This is truly the meaning of life, acknowledging how good things were and learn-

ing how to move on without them. This choice also emphasized to me how important my men-

tal and physical health is, and that it should come first before everything. If anyone is struggling

to choose between something they love and their mental or physical health, choosing yourself

and your happiness is always the best decision. There will come a time in everyone’s lives

when you know something must be set free, but your emotions tightly grasp the remains of

what should just become a memory. With time, you will discover within yourself that you have

to move on with the positive memories in your heart leading the way to your next chapter in

life. The power to move on gives you the power to grow and expand into new endeavors. I am

grateful for being able to let go of the sport of soccer, as I wouldn’t be where I am today with-

out walking away from it.

Works Cited

Sin, r.h. “There Were Always Those Nights, When Her Mind Went to War with Her Heart,

the Fight between What She Knew, What She Felt, and What She Had to Do, Someti

mes the Hardest Decisions, Were Made under the Moon.” Explorell, 9 July 2017