that day

before that day,

you used to be the one who loved watching
and i would spend my nights with you
we would be seeing a movie with our hands intertwined to one
another

before that day,

everyday would be filled with laughter and chatters
sometimes, one of us also would be caught staring at the other one
and nevertheless, we would flash shy smiles to each other

before that day,

you used to be the one who helped me doing my work
and i would encourage you to do yours as well
we would be working with our arms around each other

before that day,

everyday would be filled with joy and rays of light
sometimes, one of us would be busy doing things
and nevertheless, we would eat dinner together

when that day came,

smiles turn to tears
hopes turn to fears
daydreams turn to nightmares

when that day came,

you suppressed the pain of heartbreaks inside
i covered mine with giggling instead
so the thought of you hurting me didn't cross your mind

when that day came,

you knew it all along
i held back my cries and sighs
so i could tell you myself when i was ready

when that day came,

we were cuddling and talking all night long
such there would be no tomorrow
because the end for us was near

after that day,

every single movie reminds me of your smile
and all the chances we used to have
we were too scared to take another step

after that day,

every single night reminds me of your warm hugs
and all the moments we went through
we were in thick and thin together
after that day,
every single triumph reminds me of your endless support
and all the obstacles we passed
we were good partners in everything

after that day,

every single photo reminds me of your presence
and all the joy we brought to each other
we were once happy being together

now,
soundless gasps escape my lips
countless tears slid my cheeks
without you being with me anymore

still, i will choose to be with you over and over again

13 reasons why i love you
one, i love you
because you wrap me in your blanket
even though you're shivering in your sleep
and it's the only blanket you have

two, i love you

because you ask for my opinions
even though you can make the decision alone
but you listen to them and make it ours

three, i love you

because you always wait for me
even though it's past midnight
and you're terribly tired

four, i love you

because you always tell me the truth
even though i don't ask for it
but honesty gleams in your eyes

five, i love you

because you try your hardest
to make me feel better and relieved
when i cry in your arms

six, i love you

because you never blame me for my fault
instead, you caress my cheek
and hold me even tighter

seven, i love you

because you lift me up
to face the world together
when i feel alone and scared

eight, i love you

because you don't confine me in a cage
instead, you let me fly free
and believe that i'll come back

nine, i love you

because you have the cutest smile
behind that stiff attitude of yours
and i get to see it everyday

ten, i love you

because your hugs remind me of
long path we walk side by side
which leads to our home
eleven, i love you
because you own the most sincere heart
behind that sharp tongue of yours
and i'm touched by your genuine act of love

twelve, i love you

because your warmth reminds me of
how your fingers clasp around mine
which tell me that i'll never be alone

thirteen, i love you

because you love and cherish me
even though you don't spell it for me
but i know you always do

but,
i'm terribly sorry
those are lies i've made

the truth is, i don't need a reason to love you

glow
people say, love makes you glow.

but,
i don't see you as the most handsome
or attractive man.
you know, even the boy next class is cuter than you.
your jokes are still as lame as usual.
also, that cold attitude of yours is still as intriguing as a potato.

instead,
i find that your face is the first thing i seek in the morning
(that's why i want to wake you up every day).
i find that your smile is my mood booster
(that's why i still can laugh though things are getting worse).
i find that your hug gives me joy and home
(that's why i want it to be everlasting).

despite of everything,
i find that you glow because
you are the only one who matters to me.

well, maybe i love lame jokes and potatoes

First Spilled Ink -----
"How long should we keep this up?" I asked.

You looked at me deeply in the eyes. "This?"

Seeing your grim expression, I knew you actually

understood. "This distance between us." I saw you flinched a bit.

We both knew our love wasn't the problem.

"Maybe forever," You paused. Shutting your eyelids in

frustration, you cupped my cheeks. "You know, I'm really happy
that you said you're happiest when we are together. But, do you
not realize? Your most painful breakdowns are also caused by me.
It hurts me to see you broken."

"I can't keep doing this. I can't keep hurting you," you
continued. "At the moment, I can't give you the affection and
attention you should've got. I don't even know what I shall do with
my life in the future."

"What if, I only need you to stay with me?" My voice broke,
tears started rolling down my cheeks. "We can go through it
together."

"You can. But, I can't." You smiled sadly. "I can't risk
dragging you down with me. You deserve much more than this.
There are other men who can treat you better than I do, or I will
do."
 I took my breath sharply. Did you not know any person
could not fill your empty spot in my heart?

"Look, I know that you care about me so much. But, I just

want you to be genuinely happy." You ruffled my hair. "Please, try
go separate ways for now. I promise, whenever I'm ready, I will
come back to you. Okay?"

Deep down, no matter how much I hesitated, I knew you

was right all along. I knew you were not going to change your mind
either.

"Smile for me, okay?" You said softly. "Please do. I want to
remember your smile, not your tears."

I flashed my weak smile and hugged you. The next second,

you embraced me tighter.

All along, we knew it needed to be done.

We should have been ready for this.

So, why did it hurt so much?

I wish you know how much I miss you.

if i have you
if i have you,
we will travel around the world together.

if i have you,
i will know what home feels like.

if i have you,
every second will be a manifestation of fairy tales.

if i have you,
i will not need anybody else.

then i realize...

if i have you,
it will be a dream.

and i have to wake up,

before hope
murders
me (again).

yet, it's my favorite dream.

upside down
my heart says
"i accept you for who you are,"
is a lie.
a raging pain inside me
will be eternal.
the things we've cherished for
our joy,
our promises,
our moments,
they don't matter anymore.
the scars you've left,
the tears i've cried,
how you've shattered my life
have been my dreams.
memories of us together
are,
pieces of our past
how wonderful

our love
cannot even beat
our despair,
our doubt,
our fear,
our wrecked egos,
the truth is
i hate you.
only fools would say
i love you sincerely.

for truth: try reading upwards

Love Alone
It's not like I loathed being with you. But sometimes, we should
accept the fact that love alone is not enough in a relationship,
including ours.

Especially, ours.

We wanted a relationship where we were both ready and stable.

We wanted a relationship where it harbored in a sacred marriage.
We wanted a relationship where we could spend the rest of our
lives together.

Heaven knows how much I had wished a reality of us being one.

Yet, I knew this relationship of ours would not go anywhere.
At least, in this state.

We were both young and full of ambitions.

There were so many opportunities waiting to be discovered.
We needed to find our own identity.
There was a diversity of interests and passions.

I did not say that we could not overcome it together.

What I said was, things would be a lot easier
if we parted ways.
You would walk a path of finding yourself,
and I would chase my opportunities and dreams.
This way, we could maximize both of ourselves.

I knew you actually had realized it.

Indeed, you were aware about the goodbye
we would have to say if you brought this up.
So, you waited, waited, and waited.

None of us wanted to leave each other.

Still, I knew this way would be better
for the sake of (y)our future.

Therefore, I did what I could for us.

I cut the red strings
that had been binding us together.

I understood this could mean the dead-end of us.

I understood this could lead to nights of frustration.
I understood this could remove me from your future.
I understood this could cause you to detest me.

Still, I took that risk.

Because what I could do as

the girl who loved you so much was to
push you to the right direction,
even if it killed me.
I would support you with all the strength I had.

I hoped,
that someday you would find the life goal
you had always searched for.

I hoped,
that someday you would be genuinely happy
though I might not be there anymore.

I hoped,
that someday you would proudly rise up
and fight those demons inside you.

I hoped,
that someday you would still remember
we had memories together and smiled.
do you remember?
do you remember
when we went on our first date?
i recall how we sneaked out silently,
so none of our friends
would bombard us with questions.

do you remember
the cloudy evening when we were going to our favorite ramen
house?
when it started raining,
you stopped mid-track to fetch your umbrella,
because you were worried i would catch a flu.

do you remember
when i was sick a couple of months ago?
i know you're not a big fan of porridge.
yet, you ate porridge with me nearly every night,
because it was the only thing edible for me.

do you remember
how i cried myself out?
each time, you smiled sadly.
you had already realized i wasn't fine.
still, you waited me to tell you myself and comforted me.
do you remember
how we spent our leisure together?
you were my favorite pass-time.

do you remember
why i gave those presents to you?
even though it's just a little,
i wanted to leave some marks in your life,
so there were recollections of us.

do you remember
why i asked you to give some little gifts?
i just wanted to have a reminder of our history together,
something that i could hug when i missed you.

do you remember
who i was to you?
i was your colleague.
i was your best friend.
i was your beloved girl.

i was yours. i wish i still am.

Lucky
Do you know why I feel as the luckiest person on earth?

Because,
I get to see your ticklish laughs,
I get to hear your off-note humming,
I get to inhale your freshly bathed scent,
I get to hear your stories ─ the ones you've never told anyone
about,
I get to contribute in your projects,
I get to share my secrets with you,
I get to be a reason of your happiness.

People judge you from your exterior persona. They can label you
as a cold, solitude man.

For me, what I see is a man who

sacrifices his time and effort to take care of me when I'm sick,
helps me as soon as possible when I'm in trouble,
gets totally honest with me ─ even it can overthrow himself,
keeps his words and promises ─ never you said an empty vow,
sincerely cares about my well-being and feelings.

And at the top of all them,

you do everything you can to keep me smiling.
I am thankful for our encounter, I really am.
You are one of the best things that has happened to me.

I have seen your soul,

and in spite of all the hardships we've been through,
your soul is the purest and kindest thing I have ever felt.

You are a good man, and you will always be.

Even though we don't work out,
you are still the best friend I could've asked for.

Thank you,
never even once I've regretted being with you.

I'm lucky to have had you.

Second Spilled Ink -----
"We can't keep this up."

I turned my head, fully facing you. What did you say?

Thoughts were rolling like chaotic flashbacks on my mind.

"I don't understand," I heard my own voice cracked, leaving

a tingling sadness afloat in the air. "Why do you decide to detach
me?"

You sighed. I knew you always sighed when you didn't like
what you were going to say. "Let's say I have this little space in my
heart right now." You showed me the shape you made with your
fingers.

"When I wanted to put you in this small space, I found that

you deserve a bigger room than the one I have. You deserve to be
treated nicely, be supported through your journey, and enjoy our
relationship. My space could not contain all of that. If I forced you
to fit in my little room, there would be only two options: either you
or I would break first.

"It would be okay if the one who was finally destroyed was
me. It's my fault to strain our relationship. But, what if it was you?"
He continued, ruffling his hair.

"I would not be able to live with that. You have heard my
past, my tales, and my history. They're not some things I could say
casually to anyone. You are the closest person to me. I could not
afford to ruin you. And, I would not leave you hanging in ambiguity
either."
 Salty, that's what I tasted. I wiped my moist eyes. "Do we
really have to do this?" Tears were building up, slamming the walls
of eyelid.

When I looked at you, it seemed as you were crying

invisibly. I didn't know how you could endure that big hole in your
heart and get focused in calming me down.

"When you love someone, you will wish for their

happiness." You looked through me in the eyes, caressing my
cheeks. Corners of your mouth tilted up, curving a sad smile.

"I genuinely want you to be joyful. Even if it means that I

cannot be with you. You would have a lot more chances and colors
in your life without me around.”

The next words you said to me crushed my defense in an

instant.

"Sometimes, the best you can do for your loved one is to let
her go."

But, how do you know it was the best choice we had?

warmth
i treasured the warmth i felt every time i was with you.
i thought you did too.

one day,
you walked off our story.

then, tell me,

was i wrong?

if you really did, how could you leave me?

our home
i wonder how do you feel
when it's time to go back to our home?

our home was

where it all started,
where our hands met for the first time,
where you clasped me in your arms every night,
where we spent our nights watching movies,
where i accidentally broke your door,
where we learned for tests together,
where we helped each other to do chores,
also where "me" and "you" became "us".

of course,
terrible things happened too, such as
when i and the girl next door had quarrels,
when a lizard in your room made you worried,
when i got stung by a bee,
when you woke up late and had to hurry to class,
or when someone broke in to my room.

however,
terrible days are not so terrible.
because,
i got to pass through them with you.

for me,
our home was so precious.
it stored our moments together, either good or bad.
it witnessed our journey with each other.

now,
our home doesn't feel like home anymore
without you in it.

but, can i still keep calling it ours?

you
the first time we met i thought that
your aura was navy blue
as dark as a sorrowful brunet,
who sunk deep in the wonders of hue

by the time we were friends

i saw that you radiated brown
as the color of earth lands,
provider of lives worth diamond

when the true soul of yours was uncovered

gleam of candor freely broke out
now i could see the real form of your heart
was warm, shining gold

gold,
which was valued so precious by human
you,
who were my eternity and beyond

in the end, your color doesn't matter

your presence alone has lit up the dark
Goodbye
"Why
can't we
just accept
that goodbye
sometimes is
the best choice?"

"Because we are scared we will not find

greater happiness in the future. We
are afraid of waking up the next
morning, regretting letting go
of the best thing that has
ever happened to us,
yet still facing the
same demons
when dusk
arises."

What if this is the happiest I can,

or will ever be?
what ifs
what if i waited a little bit longer?

would you treasure my presence more,

or
leave instantly because i was not worth your struggle?

what if i hid this weak, fragile heart?

would my heart still remain intact, whole,

or
wither slowly as an ill flower bud that never saw the light?

what if i gave up fighting for "us"?

would you take over the role of pillar in this relationship of ours,
or
pretend we were fine and alright?

what if we never had a chance to meet?

would i be peaceful each dawn rose up,

or
finding myself longing
for
someone
who
i
never
even
knew?

tell me, did we stand a chance?

Expiration Date
"If you knew our relationship had an expiration date, would
you do it all over?"

"If I knew you were hurt this much in the process, I would
not have let you go through it." You sighed.

"I don't mind getting hurt. I don't mind bleeding. I don't

mind being scarred and wounded." I paused, looking him in the
eyes.

"Even after goodbye, your smile is still stuck on my mind.

Even after goodbye, my heart is still longing for your touch. Even
after goodbye, you are still my serendipity."

Even after goodbye, I don't regret it at all.

Our Story
To other people,
We are just two individuals who have a history together.

To our friends,
We turn each other's life upside down,
either flying to the ninth sky or falling into the darkest pit.

To me,
Our story may not be the most peculiar one, or legendary.

But, it is the one I treasure the most,

the one that can throw me back to nostalgia where you and I were
still one,
the one that can lull me to dream where you would always come
back to me.

What is our story to you?

Third Spilled Ink -----
"Please come back."

My words were hanging in the air. I could feel the

atmosphere around me grew thicker as the hot chocolate I had
made for you on Valentine's Day. My lungs were grasping for
oxygen as there was none left. Your deep, brown eyes landed on
mine, revealing how heartbroken and vulnerable you were.

"I can't. I'm so sorry."

His answer echoed in my head, creating an orchestra of

crumbling heart and pain inside. None of my limbs budged like I
commanded them to. I felt numb, the type of numb that sucked all
of the life I had, leaving soul hollow and aching terribly.

"Why?" My voice cracked like a thin glass, even a little touch

would shatter it. "I thought you said you love me too, but why?"

"Some things are just not meant to be."

Afterwards, everything became a blur. World was no more

covered in vibrant colors and soothing melodies. No longer there
were scents tickling my nose, or savory flavors that could dance
on my tongue. Each of my senses faded ever since it felt the
absence of your touch on my skin and the lack of your presence in
my life.

That's how I became a living dead.

Garden of Remembrance
In the garden we built together...
Pathways were covered by petals of red roses.
Wherever we headed, each step would leave a pretty trail of love.

In the garden we built together...

We grew various kinds of flower.
In the south, buds of white poppy and yellow carnations
beautifully bloomed; they stood up for our tears and pain at the
hard times.
Eastern part of the garden was full of vibrant colored aster and
tulip lines; every single of them defined our joy and laughs.
On the side where the sun set, pale shaded lilies and dandelions
were swayed by the breeze; each of them represented our most
private, serene moments.
Near the entrance of the garden in the north, a little waterfall
overflowed, providing blessings and life.

In the garden we built together...

You were the one in charge of watering flowers with your
tenderness and care.
My responsibility was to fertilize them with honesty and little
surprises.
We did our duty seeds of burden, because we wanted to see the
garden kept glowing.

In the garden we built together...

One day, you decided that you did not belong to our garden, and
left.
Every single inch closer to the gate meant another rose petal was
torn.
By the time you reached the gate, most of our rose petals were
scattered, gone.
I was calling out your name, trying so hard to collect the remains
of them with tears in my eyes.
You took another step and in an instance, you vanished.

In the garden we built together…

I did my best to take care of the garden.
I still fertilized the flowers daily.
I raked out the dried leaves and kept our garden clean.
One thing I forgot; you were not there to give them the water they
needed.
One by one, the flowers wilted ─ our memories burnt in the flames
of despair, leaving as a lone survivor in the garden.

In the garden we built together…

I sat still near the first flower we grew together.
All of its petals had fallen off.
But, I kept waiting, waiting, and waiting.
If I waited long enough, maybe someday you would turn around
and come back, I would welcome you with open arms, and we
would rebuild this garden together.
Then, once again, this garden would be as lively and beautiful as it
was.

But, you never came.

Touch
"Why do you always refuse to hold my hand?"

"Honestly, I want to clasp your fingers in mine, feeling the

textured warmth in the name of love. To me, holding hands does
not only mean to show affection. It's not only intended to make us
feel the butterflies in our tummy, and more than mere skinship can
ever do.
Physical touch is not the only way to love someone,
especially you. You are worth more than that.
If I hold your hand, I want it to be a promise, a vow of love.
A promise that I will commit myself to you, be responsible of us,
and we will have the rest of our journey together.
A promise is not made to be broken, that's why I will make
sure I am able to do it all before holding your hand."

Even without your touch, my heart melts.

Mo(u)rnings
How long has it been
since your last good morning?

Is it a sin
to miss you as soon as arising
dawn and as late as midnight is seen?
Sunbathing
Loving you is no different than sunbathing.

I love how sunlight kisses my skin, carving pleasant warmth from

top to toe, even hidden parts of my body are caressed by the heat.

I love the how sunlight illuminates the dim soul of mine, making it
looks glowing brilliantly rather than plain as usual.

I love sunlight so much that I forgot;

too much of sunlight, burns.

The sunburn, reminds me of you.

Fourth Spilled Ink -----
I've told you,

it's better

for you to Read

ignore me. 15:49

I never figured before how much damage one sentence could give.

"... ignore me."

It was like getting slapped in the face, hard.

A pang of bitterness started climbing my mouth, burning my face
along with shame, and I forced myself to hold back the familiar
pain in my chest.

I was fully aware I was

only a best friend to you,
not supposed to have feelings for you,
and better off not caring about you.

But, how could I ignore you who had

been through a lot with me,
made me finally give my trust,
and filled every single spot in my heart?
Was it that easy for you to ignore me?
If so, please tell me
why it was so hard for me.

Why did I still drop everything I was doing at the moment and
come running back to you only to make sure you're okay,
whenever I heard you had a problem?

Why did I still think you were my top priority, when I was placed
low on yours?

Why did I still care, even when you did not?

Read Yeah, I'm

16:17 sorry. :)

I didn't tell you how I was falling apart.

Barely
I could barely feel
my face was anchored
on your broad chest, your
hands embracing my waist,
pulling me closer to your body.

I could barely hear

a soft snore coming out
from your lips, inhaling the
masculine scent I always adored.

I could barely snuggle

to the source of warmth
beside me, until clothes fabric
was the only thing that separated us.

I could barely open

my eyes and see;
it was barely
a reality.

I woke up too soon.

Not A Lovable Girl
I'm not the most lovable girl in the world.
I know loving me is not easy.

When I'm really angry, I either throw tantrums or be eerily quiet.

But for you, I'll try to be more patient and considerate.

When I vent my sorrow and melancholy, my tears well up and

soon, I cry an ocean.
But for you, I'll try to not wipe my nose with your shirt and be
stronger.

When things get hard, I complain here and there, though I don't
mean to burden you.
But for you, I'll try to replace my laments with smiles and turn my
groans to laughs.

When my workload is piling up, I am so busy I barely get enough

time to sleep.
But for you, I'll try to make some time, even it means I will have
less time in bed.

When you look close with another person, I get terribly jealous and
insecure.
But for you, I'll try to be a good girl and not show my fangs to her.
When you ask me to quit loving you, I close the door of your heart
and walk away.
But for you, I'll try to stay alive without heart anymore, leaving it
at the doorstep.

I'm not the most lovable girl in the world.

I know loving me is not easy.

But for you, I'll try to give my best, because

maybe someday, you will realize how much I love you
and how much I try to be better for you;
maybe someday, you will see my heart at the doorstep
and remember everything we used to have;
maybe someday, you will return to our home
and love me again endlessly.

Maybe, that someday will never come.

Rain
I hated rain.
It reminded me of the crashing downpour
of pain and sorrow on my back,
licking my face with its teardrops of remorse,
and why I was all alone from the start.

Then, you came along.

Your existence alone convinced me that
in spite of all the grief it brought,
rain could also hand me
the once mess of colorful hope and favor.

You pulled me under the rain,

dancing to shake away and forget my wounds.
For once, I started to accept you
and the rain with my arms wide open.
Little did I know, your presence was temporary.

Your goodbye was silently bone-chilling,

leaving me under the cursed, cold shower of tears.

You were my rainbow,

the promise of a brighter tomorrow
and love after a raging storm.

Now that you were gone,

the rain never ended anymore.
Tell me, how was I supposed to
keep loving the pain without a joyful vow and
keep loving the rain without a rainbow?

I was supposed to know that

even rainbow, could not drive away the rain.
What Am I to You?
If we never crossed path in the future,

would you remember me as

the missing half of your heart

or

an unfit puzzle piece in your life?

I hoped it's the second one,

so you wouldn't have to live the way I did.
Love is…
Love is...
when I stop at the corridor just to talk with you for a minute.

Love is...
when you offer me your jacket, because you know I can't resist
coldness.

Love is...
when we make time to eat together in the midst of our duties and
work.

Love is...
when I arise sooner every day to wake you up, even if I don't have
to.

Love is...
when you still wait for me, though we are running late (and getting
kicked out from the class).

Love is...
when we spend our little spare time for a quality moment with
each other.

Love is...
when I push you to do your project, because you are too lazy.
Love is...
when you pinch on my cheeks at the moment you see them
turning reddish.

Love is...
when we do our homework side by side, so we can steal a moment
or two to link our fingers.

Love is...
when I smile to you in the crowd, because I always look for you
every time I saw people.

Love is...
when you set up the water gallon on the dispenser for me, because
I am not strong enough.

Love is...
when we help each other in own duties, so we can finish together
earlier.

Love is...
when I buy you snacks now and then, just to see you full and
content.

Love is...
when you take me to doctor every time I get sick, even if you have
awaiting work.

Love is...
when we lie in bed together, just talking about nothing and
everything.

Love is...
when I support you in everything you do and aim, either at the
moment or future.

Love is...
when you hug me from behind with those strong arms of yours all
of a sudden.

Love is...
when we laugh at each other's stupidity and foolish mistakes.

Love is...
when I take a shower to ensure you, that I am clean before
entering your room.

Love is...
when you tolerate my dull, just-got-home scent, because you
know how tired I am.

Love is...
when we bury our heads in each other's crook of neck as a way to
say good night.

Love is...
when I blow your ears and neck, because you're ticklish in those
spots (many spots actually, they are just my favorite ones).
Love is...
when you lift me up a bit to fix my awkward sleeping position.

Love is...
when we study together for the upcoming tests and teach each
other about things.

Love is...
when I think about you as soon as the sun arises.

Love is...
when you care about how I will get home safely after the sun sets.

Love is...
when we look into each other's eyes and see the stars of sincerity
in each other's soul.

Love is...
when we make sure both of us are happy together.

Love is...
the pure joy in little things we have done for one another.

Love is ours.
You’ve Changed
You convinced me to let you touch my heart.
You said you were madly in love with me.
You promised we were in everything together.
You declared I was your beloved princess.
So, why are you treating me as an invisible statue?

I remember those pair of deep eyes

which used to stare at me as I was the only star in the darkest of
nights.

I remember those pair of firm arms

which used to hold me close and keep me standing even if my legs
felt like jelly.

I remember that lean, broad chest

which used to drown my sobs and turn wet because of my tears.

I remember that sturdy jaw

which used to rest on my shoulder softly every time you enfolded
my body with yours.

Yet, why is your back the only thing I can see now?

Things changed. We changed.

Our colorful moments are fading to monochrome.
Our chat bubbles shrunk and meaningless.
Our conversations become a warzone filled with arguments.
Our happy laughter turned to silent sobs and loud sighs.

Darling, where did we go wrong?

I love you. I really do.

Forgive me for asking, but...

How could you easily drop my heart from the sky

when it was solely filled by you?

Did you really love me

or did I misinterpret your words?

What did you honestly see in our future together,

a fearful nightmare or a joyful daydream?

Was I really the woman of your dreams

or was I mistaken for the real princess?

Can I still call you mine

when the only one fighting for us is me?

I want the old us back.

Fifth Spilled Ink -----
"Dear you,

I know I am the one who asked you to break things up

between us, to ease this passionate desire so we can start over as
best friends. You can label me as a hypocrite, ego-centric human
being, heartbreaker, you name it. But, please read this until the
end.

When it comes to love, I have always been the super-

cautious one. Never have I let my heart done a free fall of love, even
if it has a safety guarantee placed on the forehead of man who has
been pursuing me; until I see the pure soul of yours.

You pulled me to another universe where love exists, alive

and breathing, and I can feel its heartbeat as the music to my ears.

You showed me the path of trust and believing, even if I

insisted on living under the protection of ignorance and solitude.

You tugged me gently through the journey of our

relationship, never even once you forced me to do something I
didn't want.

You told me that we didn't have to run through a raging

storm, because you knew I couldn't stand the cold. Instead, we
waited until the storm was over, holding hands to stay warm
together.
 You hugged me every time I felt sad, whispering how it was
okay to be vulnerable and how relieved you were I got to let go
that burden and share it with you.

You proved to me that love is not all about physical touch

and attraction, but it is more of little acts of kindness, a cup of
honesty, and a spoon of sincere sacrifice.

You taught me that home is not a mere building, but a soul

who always accepts me as who I really am, and the shore of life
where I decide to place my heart anchor.

Falling for you is the most forceful, yet delicate thing I have
ever felt entire my life. It feels really natural, like how gravity
gracefully keeps our feet on the ground. I am in love with you. I
adore you more than butterfly admires the flowers.

Still, it does not change the fact that my presence was

dragging you down to the core.

You didn't have the moment to explore your potentials, or

learn the things that caught your attention.

You always wanted the best for me, and thus made you
considered my well-being thoroughly, even if it complicated
things for you.

You had a hard time shouldering your responsibilities, and

me.

Never have you complained even once about me. Deep

down, I realize that I was only making things difficult for you.
That's why I left.
 I said that our relationship struck me so bad, that I felt
alone in going through it and could not resist the pain anymore. I
am sorry that you didn't know the true truth, because if you knew,
you would insist on keeping me stay.

The truth is, I left because

I want you to taste all the flavors and see all the colors the
world offers to you;
I want you to live a greater, lighter life, than the one when
I was still in it;
I want you to be happy without me, even if I cannot do
otherwise.

Thank you for our precious moments and relationship.

Thank you for ever loving me genuinely and gently.
Thank you for letting me keep this piece of heaven as my
past."

Saved as a draft.

I want to see you living life to the fullest,

even if it means I'm dying a little every day.
The Hardest
Saying "I love you" is hard.
I can feel heat rushing to my cheeks
and the thumping heartbeat on my chest;
fear of rejection is overflowing in my entire body.

Saying goodbye is even harder.

It is like saying that we have no space
for each other anymore, even though every
inch in our body is longing for frozen romance.

Saying hello is the hardest.

How am I supposed to look you in the
eye and greet you as a mere friend, when we
still keep the shards of each other's broken heart?
Our Magic Has Faded
You promised me a magical, enchanting fairy tale in our
relationship,
where destiny brings us together through the dramatic charm of
romance.

I wish you will

fight tooth and nail to free me from the curse,
even if the world decides that I no longer can be saved,
like how Prince Charming turned into a white riding knight to save
Aurora.

I wish you will

look at me in the eye and tell me that I am pretty enough,
even if the world judges that I'm far below the standard of beauty,
like how Beast admired just the way Belle was.

I wish you will

travel with me and leave our marks in places we have never seen,
even if the world has me under its cages and grip,
like how Aladdin showed a whole new world to Jasmine.

I wish you will

still be proud of me regardless of my voice,
even if the world says it would be better if I disappeared into the
sea foam,
like how Prince Eric accepted the mute, troubled Ariel.

I wish you will

hold my hand and go through thick and thin with me,
even if the world tells you there would be no future for us together,
like how Prince Ferdinand believed Snow White was his fated one.

I wish you will

wake me up from this delusion of our perfect relationship,
and stop calling me your princess when I am not,
because the love spell on you is going to wear off.

Once a fairy tale, it will always be a fairy tale.

I should have known, between me and you,
us is and will always be a fairy tale.

Fairy tale does not exist.