Alexa Hanson-Wagner

COMM 2110
Sarah Billington
28 April 2018

Overview -
I have always struggled throughout my life with communicating with others when their
behavior is bothering me. Often when I became frustrated with how someone was treating me
or how they were behaving, I became angry but silent, compared to my usual cheerful self.
When my emotions were left to fester, I would come to a point in which I would snap and act
out in a non-constructive manner. To counteract these negative means of communication,
throughout this semester I learned how to improve skills such as nonverbal communication,
being assertive, apologizing and adapting my responses to the communication patterns of
others. These skills helped me feel more comfortable in expressing my true feelings and they
also helped make some of my relationships either more professional or stronger.

Unwanted Communication Pattern

Looking back on my poor communication skills, there are some specific examples that come to
mind, both before my learning process and during.

Example A: I have a personality that is easy to tease, and as a result have dealt with it a lot in
my life. Often I can laugh along but as most people, I have limit. At the start of my relationship
with my current boyfriend, he would tease me a lot when we were around mutual friends
because we would all tease each other. I would sit through entire days full of conversation
without saying a word, because I was worried that I was going to be teased. While it worked in
limiting the amount of teasing I received, I also felt left out because I was not participating in
conversations. It finally took my boyfriend asking me what was wrong before I told him the
issue. At that point he realized his behavior and made sure to be more aware of my feelings and
limit the amount of teasing. Had I told him at the beginning that I was not too keen on the
amount of teasing I was receiving, many of those negative experiences would have probably
been positive ones.

This was a perfect example of my most common habit in poor communication. It displays my
lack of expressing my feelings and the consequences that came from it. The next example
shows what those ignored feelings could turn into.

Example B: I work at Deer Valley Ski Resort and manage food product during the winter
months. Being the start of Presidents Day Weekend, Deer Valley was very busy, and many
employees were stressed. When a head chef had asked me for a product, it turned out to be
expired and it spilled all over me when I picked it up. At that point I was in a rush because I
needed to now find this product for the head chef somewhere else, and I had to clean up the
expired mess. When rushing through a door, our expeditor, we will call him “Coworker A,” was
frustrated that I had not helped him unload some liquor as I usually do and stated in a
condescending tone,
Coworker A: “Thanks for helping me with the Liquor Alexa.”
Me: “(Coworker A), I am dealing with an emergency and I don’t have time to deal with your shit
right now.” I carried on with my task but at the same time I felt awful for how I responded.

I think it is important to recognize my mistakes even when I was working on avoiding them and
this is a perfect example of that. While I voiced my opinion, and my coworkers’ tone with me
was not warranted and unprofessional, neither was mine. The outcome I was looking for was
for him to recognize what he had done wrong and respect my work, but rather he had probably
left that conversation angry towards me and my unprofessionalism.

Strategies
1. The first and foremost strategy that I used in improving my communication was
addressing an issue and doing that by starting the conversation, which is a
“spontaneous, interactive exchange of messages with another person” (Beebe et al.,
2017, p. 170). I did not do this before because I was scared of how the other person
would react or because I was worried about displeasing them. To make this process
easier, the text suggested that the best way to start a conversation is to mention
something that is happening in the present moment. While the text says that we may
start off by saying something as small as mentioning the weather, I read this message
differently and commented on the issue when it was happening. Using this strategy is
supposed to help conversation build so that each person can be aware and
constructively involved in the issue.
2. Improving my nonverbal communication skills was the first strategy that I had planned
on using in effort to ease me into the conflict, but it turned out that I was more ready
for it than I had planned, and I jumped in head first. Using nonverbal communication
was more of a sidekick to addressing the issue. “Improving [My] Skills in Nonverbal
Communication” (Beebe et al., 2017, p. 205) and to more specifically, as the text states:
Be Mindful of your Nonverbal Behavior, became a way that I reaffirmed what I was
stating to the other party. I did this by making sure that my nonverbal behavior matched
my verbal responses.
The text suggested that I should Be Mindful of my Nonverbal Behavior (Beebe et al.,
2017, p. 205), when talking or having a conversation. In an effort to keep the situation
from getting tense, my nonverbal communication was fake smiling which contradicted
my internal frustration. The text suggested that when I am aware of what my nonverbal
communication is, that I should make sure it reflects my intentions, and if it does not,
change it to reflect my intentions. For example, if I am being teased and am smiling to
go along with the jokes, but in reality, wish the other person's behavior to stop, I need
to stop smiling and instead wear a blank expression or concerned expression to reflect
my internal thoughts. This is supposed to make the other person aware of your feelings
on the situation without needing to specifically state what the issue is. Hopefully at this
point, they will adapt their behavior to the response that they are witnessing.
 3. While using the strategy “starting the conversation” and “addressing the issue” I
needed to have a specific method to do so. Being assertive, which is being “able to
pursue one’s interests without denying a partner’s rights” (Beebe et al., 2017, p. 173)
was a way that I communicated my issues. For example, if a person is exhibiting
behavior that upsets me, I need to acknowledge the behavior and then describe how it
makes me feel, without attempting to instill guilt in the other person. Using this
technique is supposed to help the person address the issue while also making it clear to
the other person that the behavior needs to stop. The outcome should be an end to the
negative behavior along with a shared respect between both parties. By doing this I
reaffirmed what my nonverbal behavior was communicating, and it also helped me
thoroughly use the skills “addressing the issue” and “starting the conversation.”
4. The fourth and final strategy that I learned to use in the middle of this process was to
“Appropriately Adapt my Responses” (Beebe et al., 2017, p. 137). This means to adapt
the content of one’s responses to make our messages more efficient and effective for
the other person. Each person communicates and responds differently, and we need to
adapt to their methods to have constructive conversations. By analyzing others
communication behaviors, I was able to adapt my responses and better insure that I
would achieve the outcome that I wanted while simultaneously being respectful of the
other person.
It was not until after my initial strategies were not working with a particular person that
I learned I needed to base my responses off of their communication techniques and not
my own. Using the skill “Appropriately Adapt Response”(Beebe et al., 2017, p. 137)
allows for trial and error, and after seeing the positive outcomes from using it, I then
applied it to my first three strategies by adapting how I used them as well, and achieved
even better responses than the ones that I was satisfied with before.

Constraints
During the process of my personal change, I hit one major speed bum, which was, as stated
before, when my current strategies were not working with the intended issue. I had a coworker
who was periodically hitting on me in an unprofessional manner and was insulting my current
relationship. I used the strategies “Starting the conversation” and “Being Assertive,” by
addressing his behavior when he was exhibiting it, explaining to him that I was not interested in
him, and that his behavior needed to stop.

While his behavior did stop briefly, it was not long after that it continued. I noticed that my
“nonverbal messages” did not match what I was saying. This is when I quit laughing at his jokes
or fake smiling when his inappropriate jokes continued. Unfortunately, his behavior still
continued and it was at this point that I realized none of my methods were working. I was
thrown an unexpected curveball without the knowledge on how to catch it.
Implementation
Seeing as my biggest issues were first, not addressing and issue, and second, if I addressed the
issue, it was not in a constructive or assertive manner, I needed to practice making these skills
better.
After the slight altercation with my coworker during President’s Day Weekend, I made sure to
apologize to him for my behavior, but he continued teasing me and speaking to me in a
condescending tone. I had not said anything yet because I was afraid of repeating my behavior
from before, but after continually being frustrated, I decided I had had enough and needed to
say something. I was lucky enough to get the chance to address the problem soon after the first
few incidents. Again, he was unloading the liquor, and unlike the first time, I went to go help
him. When he saw me coming, the interaction below unfolded:

Coworker A to another coworker: “Can you help me instead? I don’t want her help.”
Me: “Coworker A will you please stop saying things like that?”
Coworker A: “Oh so now you are giving me attitude?”
Me: “No I am not giving you attitude, I am trying to help you, and instead of accepting the help,
you are making fun of me for doing so. I would like it if we could get the task at hand done,
without the side banter.”

It was at this point that he stopped talking and we did finish the task at hand. After I was
assertive with home and no longer smiled in reaction to his constant teasing, his behavior
quickly stopped, and our work relationship became strictly professional. Shortly after the issues
with Coworker A stopped, the issues with Coworker B began. It was this coworker who would
constantly hit on me during work and make inappropriate jokes. When being assertive and
addressing the problem did not work, I resorted to also “Minding my Nonverbal Behavior”
(Beebe et al., 2017, p. 205).

When Coworker B made jokes towards me, I felt awkward and did nothing but smile or
awkwardly chuckle back with small comments in response, but his behavior seemed to get
worse. By laughing and smiling at him when he made inappropriate jokes about my
relationship, it did not reaffirm what I was stating, in that I was not interested in Coworker B.
Since my nonverbal communication did not match my verbal communication, it undermined
what I was actually trying to communicate. I decided that I needed to “Mind my Nonverbal
Behavior,” and match it to my verbal messages. While his behavior decreased after I stopped
smiling and laughing at his jokes, it did not completely stop. I realized that I needed to take a
different approach.

My initial strategy was to group the methods “Starting the Conversation,” “Being Assertive,”
and “Minding my Nonverbal Messages.” When this was not working, I turned to the text and
found the strategy “Appropriately Adapt my Responses” (Beebe et al., 2017, p. 137). I analyzed
my coworkers’ behavior and his reactions to my responses and noticed that the more I spoke,
the more he would argue with me and attempt to debate his way into a relationship with me.
My nonverbal messages when paired with my verbal messages were only seen as a challenge to
him, that he clearly welcomed. I made the decision to adapt my responses to his behavior and
to stop them completely. I no longer responded to him in person and I blocked his phone
number. I did not smile at his jokes or even acknowledge his comments in any shape or fashion.
I realized that instead of using all the strategies together, I only needed to use one which was
“Minding my Nonverbal Behavior,” (Beebe et al., 2017, p. 205) and leaving it at that.

After I had not been responding to Coworker B’s jokes, he stopped making them and in general
stopped paying much attention to me. His poor behavior completely stopped. I think I achieved
my end goal because my nonverbal messages matched my previous verbal ones, and by ending
the interactions between him and I completely he understood more so just how serious I was
about him not having a chance with me.

I personally changed the most during the winter season while I worked at Deer Valley, because I
had many chances to improve my communication skills. After the winter season ended, it was
only a matter of making sure that I continued to use them. Thankfully there have not been
many negative experiences where I have had to address an issue but one of the few unfolded
as follows.

I had just started a new job as a nanny for my fourth family. Typically the first few weeks with a
new family are a little difficult as the kids are getting used to new authority. During this time my
patience typically runs thin. After a long rough day, I called my boyfriend hoping he would
cheer me up. While most of the teasing has stopped throughout our relationship, we do often
tease each other in a friendly manner, and it is usually something that we both enjoy. However,
considering I was in a bad mood, and was looking for some cheering up instead of sarcastic
remarks, I did not like my boyfriend’s response. I was frustrated because I stated to him exactly
what I was hoping to receive from the conversation and his response was the complete
opposite of what I had expected. I wanted to address the issue during the phone call, but I felt
myself feeling too upset and knew the conversation would turn into an argument, so I ignored
my frustrations and ended the conversation.

After a few minutes where I had calmed down some but was still frustrated, I knew I needed to
address the issue with my boyfriend because I could tell it would continue to bother me. I called
him back and we had a mature conversation:

Me: “(Boyfriend), I called you after a long hard day asking you to help cheer me up and
instead me you responded with sarcastic remarks which made me feel even worse than
I did before. This is not okay because I felt like you did not understand just how upset I
was and you were even finding humor in it, and it hurt to hear that. I was hoping that
you would have been more supportive of me and responded differently.”
Boyfriend: “You are right, that wasn’t okay, I’m sorry. I did not mean to make you feel
worse than you already did. I just was trying to make a joke to cheer you up.”

Me: “I realize that, and normally that would be okay, but I have used all of my patience
and light heartedness for the day and am just not in the mood for that kind of humor.”
Boyfriend: “Okay, next time I’ll try to be more understanding of that. How about you tell
me more about your day?”
We continued to discuss each other’s days and at the end of the conversation, I felt much
better, and I felt like he truly understood where I was coming from while simultaneously not
feeling attacked. This is an example of how I was Assertive (Beebe et al., 2017, p. 173) because I
was addressing the issue in an effort to achieve the outcome that I wanted while also being
respectful of him.

Results
I think I have come along ways since the beginning of this project. Because I was Assertive
(Beebe et al., 2017, p. 173) with Coworker A by addressing the issue and remaining respectful,
he and I had a professional and friendly work relationship but nothing more than that through
to the end of ski season. Coworker B was very flirty, but when I learned how to respond to his
behavior correctly and used the skill “Appropriately Adapt my Responses”(Beebe et al., 2017,
p. 137), he stopped hitting on me and degrading my relationship, and he was also not
negatively affected by my response. My relationship with my boyfriend continues to grow every
day as we continuously learn how to adapt our responses to each other as well and effectively
communicate when something is bothering us.

The most positive consequence from these experiences is that I have become much more
comfortable with addressing issues and I also understand more so how to implement what is
considered mature and respectful communication. The only negative consequence that I have
seen as a result to my new behavior is that each of my coworkers became less friendly with me.
I could tell that they placed a wall between us but looking back at our previous work
relationships and remembering our previous conversations, I prefer that they are not as friendly
with me. I think it is important to recognize that we do not have to be liked by everyone,
especially if the result of them liking you is negative.

Recommendations
I will use all of these strategies in the future, as I have seen great improvements in my
communication abilities, and I recommend that others use them as well. I have noticed that as
a result of these increased skills, and unexpected benefit has been an increase in self-
confidence. By being more vocal, I have proved to myself that I can face my fears. Knowing that
many people struggle with self-confidence, I believe that pushing yourself is a great way to
tackle self-doubt.

I will also continue to use the strategy “Appropriately Adapt my Responses” (Beebe et al.,
2017, p. 137) because it will help me modify my possible future communication strategies, as
well as my current ones.

Now that I have started mastering the ability to communicate effectively, I would like to work
more on my ability to listen to others, more specifically Listening Actively (Beebe et al., 2017, p.
131). This is the process of physically and mentally engaging oneself in what the other person is
discussing. By doing this I can in the future do for others as I have expected from them while I
have worked on being assertive. I would like people to feel comfortable enough around me to
be assertive and address issues with me, because doing so for myself has proved to be very
beneficial in my life.

Work Cited
Beebe, Steven A., et al. Interpersonal Communication Relating to Others. 8th ed., Pearson,
2017.