imaginings

at THE WHISKY TASTING

by Pasha Malla

ing but lava its entire life urin­ated then — whoa, word of advice: don’t
dewar’s 18-year-old
founders reserve, blended into this bottle, then someone set the stand up too fast! How many whis-
ox’s pee on fire, put the fire out with kies have we had now? Jesus.
All right, guys, keep in mind that I’m bleach, and shook it up with equal _________________________________
new to this. I taste . . . fruit. Berries, parts turpentine, nail polish remov-
aberlour a’bunadh, batch 17,
maybe — or grapes. Oh, and it’s also er, and cigarettes. Also, would it be speyside single m alt
sort of peppery, but then there’s this ludicrous to suggest a hint of pear?
sweet and sour taste underneath. _________________________________ I can’t feel my tongue. It’s gone totally
And — whoa — now my throat is burn- numb. Ah gah gah gah gah gah. Gah.
bowmore 1985,
ing. God, it really hurts. How’s this: islay single m alt _________________________________
a Dr-Pepper-and-Chinese-takeout
glengoyne
smoothie, and also I’m a sword swal- McRib. Definitely McRib. robbie’s choice 1989,
lower who just swallowed a sword but _________________________________ single highland m alt
screwed it up somehow.
talisker 18-year-old,
_________________________________ island single m alt Hemlock, you say? Hold on. Can I ask
a question? How do you know what
laphroaig 12-year-old
oloroso cask , Do you guys have any buddies whose hemlock tastes like? What are you,
islay single m alt burps are, like, super intense? The Macbeth? Oh, look at me, I know what
kind that come at you and it’s like hemlock tastes like. I’m so sophisticated
Greek salad, souvlaki, french fries, you’re eating death — but they’re I can drink poison and it doesn’t even kill
onion rings, ketchup, root beer, Pea- also alive in a weird way? My buddy me. You know what, Johnny Scotch-
nut Buster Parfait. Oh, wait — that’s Matt’s burps are those kind. Fanning master? You’re right: this whisky does
what I had for dinner. After the first the air just circulates them — excites taste like poison. Look, I’ll spit mine
sip I barfed a little in my mouth. the molecules or something, I’m not back so you can gargle it and swish
_________________________________ sure — and then they’re just every- it around and whatever else you get
where. It’s like you’re living inside up to so you can taste all that deli-
chivas regal 12-year-old,
blended the burp. And maybe you get home cious hemlock. Maybe this time you’ll
hours later and the smell is still on detect a hint of arsenic or cyanide.
Lawn mower clippings, blotter acid, your clothes, and you can still taste it, Jesus. My buddy Matt told me this
honey-flavoured breakfast cereal —  and your girlfriend makes you sleep was going to be a wank show — but,
and oak, right? I can definitely taste on the couch. Yeah, this whisky re- wow, I never thought I’d be drinking
the oak. If bark were a drink, this stuff minds me of that. with the immortal.
right here would be it. _________________________________ _________________________________
_________________________________
highland park 19 76, bror a 198 2,
glengoyne single cask single m alt r are m alts selection,
billy ’s choice 1989, single highland m alt
single highland m alt Drakkar Noir!
_________________________________ No, you’re being an asshole.
Peat, soil, roots, the semi-decom- _________________________________
glenmor angie m argau x
posed flesh of bogmen. Hey, here’s a cask finish, 1987, signatory vintage 19 75,
funny coincidence: in 1989, my buddy highland single m alt east ayrshire,
Matt’s older brother came home single lowland m alt
drunk to find me scratching with his Did I ever tell you guys about the time
Supertramp records, and he made me my buddy Matt and I stashed a bottle Pass.
eat a handful of dirt. And there was a of Crown Royal in his hockey bag and _________________________________
flower in it — a daffodil, I think. “Eat it broke on a skate blade? We wrung
glenfiddich 19 76,
the flower, rapmaster,” he kept say- out whatever equipment we could vintage reserve selection,
ing. “That’s it, G-Money. Eat the fuck- into a big jug and then poured the rest single m alt
ing flower.” directly from the bag. Sure, there were
_________________________________ little bits of glass in each drink, but it Whisky. It just tastes like whisky.
didn’t work out that badly, although I can’t taste anything else anymore.
benriach 1984,
speyside single m alt the next morning Matt coughed up a Everything tastes like whisky and I
lot of blood and I had a pretty wicked love you all and I’m sorry I came. I’m
Here’s a guess: an ox that drank noth- stomach ache for about a week. And really, really sorry.

the walrus 24