THE GREEK ORTHODOX THEOLOGICAL REVIEW Vol. 40, Nos.

3-4,1995

Reflections on Mixed Marriage

in the Context of Parish Ministry

EDWARD HUGHES

I have been a parish pastor for nearly twelve years in the Antiochian
Archdiocese. During that time, I have served three parishes in very differ-
ent areas of the country: on the Gulf Coast of East Texas/Louisiana the
Pocono Mountain/Coal region of Eastern Pennsylvania, and North-East-
ern Massachusetts/Southern New Hampshire. These are three of the oldest
parishes in the Archdiocese, having been founded by Lebanese-Syrian
immigrants in 1898,1904, and 1904 respectively, and are fairly typical of
our older "ethnic" parishes, that is, those that were founded by Arabic
speaking immigrants, making up two-thirds of the Archdiocese, as opposed
to those founded by converts which make up one-third of the Archdiocese.
(Of course, some parishes change ethnic make-up after they were founded,
because of the mobility of our society.) Thirty years ago, Kallistos Ware in
his book The Orthodox Church, mentioned at the clergy of the "Syrian
Archdiocese" was made up of nearly 30% converts. The number of faith-
ful at that time must have been nearly the same percentage. All of this is
important when we look at the phenomenon of mixed marriages within
our jurisdiction. Since I only have experience with "ethnic" parishes, I
have no idea what effects intermarriage has on convert parishes such as
new missions, Antiochian Evangelical Ortodox Mission parishes, or West-
ern Rite parishes in our Archdiocese.
In Lebanon and Syria it is not uncommon for Orthodox to marry Chris-
tians of other denominations, particularly Melkite Catholics or Maronites.
Ancient custom obliges the woman to follow the religion of her husband,
and the children likewise. The clergy of all three churches accept this cus-
tom without question and almost without exception. The result is that in

371
372 The Greek Orthodox Theological Review: 40/3-4, 1995

those villages or cities where all three churches are present, the congrega-
tions of each are intimately interrelated with the others. Under these
circumstances, intermarriage between Christians becomes a matter of course
and of no concern to those involved since the result is a single-religion
home and family. It is not a matter for competition between churches ei-
ther, since each tends to gain the same number as they lose, and communities
remain fairly stable.
In America, this same custom has generally prevailed within the Syrian
Lebanese community. In Lawrence, Massachusetts where I am presently
serving, we have a large Lebanese population. The Melkite Catholic,
Maronite, and Orthodox communities are deeply interrelated through in-
termarriage both here and in their villages in the old country. Many older
women of my parish were Melkite or Maronite until they married. Their
mothers or grandmothers, however, were raised Orthodox. It is only re-
cently, and only among later generations, that girls may retain their own
religion after marriage, although only a few have actually done so. Among
the first generation of those born in America, it is still not done.
Among the earlier generations, and among the recent immigrants, young
people tend to marry exclusively within the Arabic community even though
they do not discriminate among the three churches. After the Second World
War, the community opened up somewhat more to outsiders and young
people began marrying outside of the ethnic group. They largely married
Roman Catholics in those days. The Roman church back then made it very
difficult for people to marry non-Catholics, so most of these couples mar-
ried in the Orthodox Church. Since the Catholic spouse was usually unable
to practice Catholicism because of the marriage, most of them became
practicing Orthodox. Looking through the parish records, and judging from
the number of non-Arabic names throughout the Archdiocese "Marrying
into" the Orthodox Church was very common through the 1950's and
1960's; at least 30%. It is probably due to this phenomenon that our Arch-
diocese had so many converts through those years. Only a few, mostly
women, left the Church to follow their spouses into the Roman Catholic
Church.
Pastorally, this influx of non-Arabs into the established parishes did
have some effect. In most cases, the spouses "marrying in" were Roman
Catholics who did not see much difference between Orthodoxy and Ca-
tholicism except for the Pope. Most of them were as comfortable practicing
Orthodoxy as they had been as Catholics. Most of them received abso-
 Hughes: Mixed Marriage in Parish Context 373

lutely no form of catechism or education into the Faith except from their
in-laws. As a result, they never formed a clear idea of what Orthodoxy
really is, and could not pass on any particularly Orthodox understanding to
their children. Growing up with a Roman Catholic set of grandparents,
aunts, uncles, and cousins, as well as an Orthodox set and seeing how their
parents merged Catholicism and Orthodoxy in their personal understand-
ing of religion these children cannot distinguish between the two churches
except in superficial ways.
Also, these families sometimes practice religion in both churches to
varying degrees. Because of immediate family ties, Orthodox are often
called upon to be god-parents and best-men in Roman Catholic ceremo-
nies. This is strictly forbidden by our Archdiocese in its official written
policy, but is extremely difficult to control in actual parish situations. No
matter how often these people are told, they just do not hear, the idea is just
too foreign to them. At funeral and wedding masses as well, Orthodox in
these family situations feel comfortable communing in the Catholic Church.
Sometimes, whole Orthodox families make a habit of attending mass with
their Roman Catholic relatives on the greater Holy Days, especially Christ-
mas and Easter and communing there as well. In each parish I have served,
a few people have requested that I schedule Holy Day services so that they
will not conflict with their family customs of attending the other churches.
In a few cases, some people have even held joint membership m the Ortho-
dox and Roman Catholic churches and have taken leadership positions in
both churches. Once again, even though official written policy of the Arch-
diocese forbids such syncretism, it does occur to varying degrees in the
older, "ethnic" parishes.
It is easy to say that all of this could have been prevented had these
"married in" converts been given adequate instruction in the Orthodox
Church, as the Archdiocese insists, but since all of this occurred forty and
fifty years ago, such an observation is only useful in future situations. There
is nothing that will change the past. The problem of catechizing and in-
structing people who have been Orthodox for thirty or even fifty years, and
their children who have been Orthodox all their lives remains. People can
become negative and even hostile to hear what they consider novelties and
innovations in the Faith in which they have become comfortable, or in
which they have grown up. It requires a good deal of creativity, patience,
and tact to teach the fullness of Orthodoxy to parishioners who thought
that they already knew what that was. Resource materials and adult educa-
374 The Greek Orthodox Theological Review: 40/3-4,1995

tion curricula specifically dealing with this problem, or at least taking into
consideration this situation, are not yet available, but would be most wel-
come.
A correlative problem is the possibility of division among parishioners
who hold to differing models of the Faith. It has always seemed a given
that a congregation of Orthodox share the same Faith, but in the diverse
society in which we live, and because, of the extended consequences of
converts "marrying in" without catechetical preparation, an average parish
contains people of all levels of understanding, and widely varying per-
sonal beliefs. In the course of normal parish life, casual statements or
observations can bring out sharp differences, provoke disparaging com-
ments, or cause arguments between people of differing understandings of
Orthodoxy. While the misunderstandings of the "Romanized" parishio-
ners are, perhaps, spiritually dangerous, so are the uncharitable and
condescending reactions they provoke from parishioners of more tradi-
tional upbringing. It is important in the parish situation to establish some
common level of agreement and shared belief as well as active Christian
charity for everyone involved.
More recently, we are seeing the new form of mixed marriage in which
each spouse retains his or her own religion al the time of the marriage. In
my experience, at least a third of these, probably even more, come to a
joint agreement after a while, and join one church. I personally try to dis-
courage the couple from making a choice before the wedding. This is a
most tense and stressful time, and not one for making such an important
and often emotional decision. I would like to avoid future recriminations
or accusations that one side pressured the other into a decision that was not
completely voluntary. I believe that to accept Orthodoxy is a matter of too
much importance to rush into while people are deeply involved in getting
to know each other negotiating with each other's families discovering the
nuances of newly married life, and adjusting to major life-style changes. I
have found that the extended family of the Orthodox spouse can do a lot to
present the Faith to the other spouse if they themselves actively practice it.
Of course, I do not mean lecturing, nagging, or bullying. Gentle, kind, and
sincere invitations to be part of Church life can make a new family mem-
ber feel less like an outsider especially if everything is explained simply
and clearly. Most importantly, nothing is so attractive as the sight of a
family truly filled with joy in practicing the Faith; and a new family mem-
ber cannot help but be intrigued and interested to find out more about
 Hughes: Mixed Marriage in Parish Context 375

something so pleasant. I have even seen non-Christian spouses eventually

come to the Orthodox Church because their in-laws made it seem so at-
tractive, and because they were allowed to come gradually to the decision.
For those couples who persist in keeping two separate religions, the
difficulties are great, but perhaps the results are better than having one
spouse "marry in" without preparation. We have many families in which
one parent comes to the Orthodox Church, while the other parent is raising
the children in another Church. There are also many families in which one
parent brings the children to the Orthodox Church, while the other parent
goes alone to the other church. Usually this does not cause the identity
problems caused by the older custom. The parents eventually have to ex-
plain to the children why they do not both go to the same church. Each of
the parents probably has a strong commitment to his or her own church,
which means that they can better explain the religion to their children. The
children have a stronger identity with the religion in which they are being
reared, simply because they are always asking and trying to understand the
differences between their parents. As long as the parents can agree in which
church to raise the children, this situation, while not ideal, seems to pro-
duce better results. The biggest problem arises if the parents divorce. In
the normal situation of joint custody, each parent gets the children on al-
ternating weekends. Very often this means that the children are now going
to both churches alternately, which results in confusion. Even worse is the
situation in which the children were being raised in the father's religion
and now are living with the mother. Of all the many problems of divorce
and its effect on children, this one is very difficult to deal with. It is an easy
temptation for the parents to try to eradicate their ex-spouses' influence
over the children. Because religion produces such deep emotions, it be-
comes a natural weapon to use against an ex-spouse, and the children
become very confused about the very meaning of religion in such a con-
text. I have found non-Orthodox clergy to be very sensitive to these
situations, and very willing to cooperate in counseling couples not to in-
volve their children in a religious battlefield. It is impossible to deal with
this alone, however. The non-Orthodox spouse is typically unwilling to
listen to anything an Orthodox priest has to say under such circumstances.
Based on my observations and experiences, I firmly believe that it is
better not to force a non-Orthodox person to convert in order to be married
in the Orthodox Church. I feel that it produces far better pastoral results
even if the person never converts to Orthodoxy, to allow couples to make
376 The Greek Orthodox Theological Review: 40/3-4, 1995

informed decisions without haste or pressure. If the non-Orthodox does, in

fact, convert, then that conversion is deeper, stronger, and more sincere
than one that was coerced. And such a convert is much better prepared to
share the Orthodox Faith with children and to participate intelligently in
the entire life of the Church. If the non-Orthodox does not convert it still
produces better adjusted and more aware children who are consciously
raised Orthodox, in clear distinction to the other parent's religion, rather
than half-heatedly raised with a syncretistic amalgam of modern Ameri-
can religion.
 ^ s
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