THE GREEK ORTHODOX THEOLOGICAL REVIEW Vol. 40, Nos.

3-4,1995

The Effect of Mixed Marriage

on the Parish

EMMANUEL GRATSIAS

The presumption in this presentation is that a significant number of mixed

marriage couples remain involved in the parish in which they were mar-
ried, or to which they moved. The less that remain, the less the effect. Also,
the presumption for now is that there is a concerted effort on the part of
clergy and laity to welcome and involve mixed marriages in the life of the
parish, and that the couples care to be involved. Such an effort will conse-
quently affect the parish.
First, the identity of the parish and indeed the meaning of the word is
changed. Traditionally, "parish" has meant the community of believers of
one common faith and confession. The Body of Christ, steeped in Ortho-
doxy in our case, organized into a worshipping and socially interactive
group is what a parish is supposed to be.
"Parish" now means something much more than the body of communi-
cants. I found myself recently speaking of "the non-Orthodox members of
the parish." No one in the meeting questioned the terminology or the con-
cept. Clergy and lay leadership are well-aware that they minister to a group
that includes communicants and non-communicants and rarely is the min-
istry given to the latter any less than that given to the Orthodox. Often the
non-Orthodox refer to the parish as "my parish" and to the pastor as "my
priest."
For us in America the parish has also been identified as the locus of
Greek-American ethnic identity. Here in the parish community we have
for decades lived out the cultural, social, national and even political lega-
cies of our Greek roots. The influx of the non-Greek members into the
parish has contributed to a weakening of those aspects of parish life that

365
366 The Greek Orthodox Theological Review: 40/3-4,1995

centered on ethnicity. Whether this is a positive or negative result is in the

mind of the beholder.
The effects of mixed marriages on the work and mission of the parish
can be understood in the traditional framework of the three aspects of the
Church's mission: the Kingly, the Prophetic and the Sacramental.
We begin with the Kingly, or administrative aspect of the Church. The
governing of the parish involves thefinancing,the fund raising, adminis-
tration of funds, festivals, volunteer efforts, etc. The involved mixed
marriage means non-Orthodox are putting in their efforts. An alert parish
leadership invites all to participate, to volunteer, to sacrifice time, labor
and resources for the good of the parish. Non-Orthodox join the response
and they are welcomed. I have yet to see anyone suggest that a non-Ortho-
dox cannot work hard and donate because he or she is not one in the faith.
However, positions of governance are, understandably, not open to the non-
Orthodox. One is invited to give and donate time, labor and resources but
cannot be part of the decision making process, whether in Parish Council
or on Philoptochos Boards.
In my parish this has caused frustration, anger, and embarrassment on
the part of both Orthodox and non-Orthodox. I have sensed the anxiety
within groups whenever someone has to be told, "you can't run." Fear of
potential tension and embarrassment forbids the chairmanship of fund rais-
ing events to be given to active non-Orthodox. This is disheartening and
discouraging for all involved. Many Orthodox, admittedly on an emotional
basis, would be willing to scrap all the relative administrative rules just to
avoid embarrassment and perceived injustice.
Mixed marriages affect the parish's prophetic mission, for the commu-
nity is forced to alter and reform its educational program. Our efforts in
the past have usually consisted of conveying Orthodoxy to Orthodox. Yet
if we expect a mixed marriage couple to continue participation in the life
of the parish, the non-Orthodox spouse must have a better understanding
of what the faith is all about, and what is really important and of real value.
Resources, primarily time, need to be diverted to such programs.
Recently I announced a discussion group to be held on three consecu-
tive Tuesday nights and limited to non-Orthodox participants. In ten days
time 15 registered. I expect the group will reach 20. That's outstanding in
a small parish where 50 of the 180 member households are mixed mar-
riages. Many of these marriages go back twenty and thirty years. Thus far
the responses are from the younger crowd, numbering about 34 couples.
 Gratsias: Effect of Mixed Marriage on the Parish 367

The positive and quick response makes me wonder if we have responded

adequately to the need for such education.
The Sacramental Life of the parish is of course affected both simply
and joyously on one hand and with complexities and anxieties on the other.
The simple consequence of mixed marriages on sacramental life is obvi-
ously the increase in the Sacraments of Chrismation. Surely at least 90%
of the Chrismations of adults result from mixed marriages. Chrismation of
adults would be rarely celebrated if it wasn't for mixed marriages because,
unfortunately, we are not encouraged and accustomed to evangelize in the
western Christian world.
Most of our non-Orthodox spouses do not opt for Chrismation and choose
to remain just that—non-Orthodox. Why? Perhaps parishes and pastors
have not done their job. This is a major factor, I'm sure. Perhaps many
non-Orthodox, though fully involved in parish life in every manner other
than sacramental are not ready or desirous of conversion for various rea-
sons: uncomfortable in a Byzantine milieu, or in a very dominant ethnic
setting; giving up on one's denominational faith is too much of or an un-
necessary sacrifice of personal identity for the sake of marriage; conversion
would constitute a break with parents not anticipated when marriage was
planned. If someone is considering what is truth and where does onefindit
(rare questions these days) maybe he is not yet convinced that Orthodoxy
is any more true then his own faith. So then, even if most do not choose to
enter Orthodoxy, know that their presence still affects the sacramental life
of the parish and it does so in a complex and especially difficult manner
for pastors.
Non-Orthodox do not receive Holy Communion in an Orthodox church
and this discipline is generally well-understood and accepted even with its
accompanying disappointment and confusion.
Holy Wednesday night is a different story. The strict discipline regard-
ing participation in Orthodox sacraments is not observed in a great many
parishes when priests find it difficult to turn away a non-Orthodox mother
who is bringing her children to Church not only on that night, but on many
Sundays as well. "What? This is a prayer for health, healing and forgive-
ness, and I can't be anointed?" Call it emotional, call it sentimentality, or
call it kat'oikonomia, which is what the priests call it as they find it diffi-
cult to say "no" when a parent that is supportive of the family being raised
Orthodox holds out her hands for anointment.
A generation ago it was rare to see a non-Orthodox mother present her
368 The Greek Orthodox Theological Review: 40/3-4, 1995

child for the 40-day blessing, and even rarer for a priest to offer these
prayers. Today we see such barriers falling as more and more priests do
not hesitate to welcome a growing number of non-Orthodox mothers bear­
ing future Orthodox children to the church for blessing of child, and mother.
In spite of the traditional discipline, mixed marriages are changing the
manner and discipline regarding the administration of services and sacra­
ments. Indeed, since we are forced to think of these questions we may find
ourselves changing our teachings, too—or at least our emphases.
Mention must be made of the use of English in the sacramental life of
the parish since the language issue is always raised relative to mixed-mar­
riages. Are mixed-marriages really the reason we need to and are using
more English? They surely have played a role, but English is justifiably
used more and more to benefit the worship life of a deserving third and
fourth generation of Greek Orthodox in America.
As mentioned earlier, the parish as the ethnic center is weakened. The
norms of ethnic manifestations of a generation or two ago are no longer
the rule. Non-Orthodox cannot be expected to identify with the Greek state,
Greek national concerns, or the Greek flag. This shouldn't be too much of
a surprise since third generation Greek-Americans do not identify in the
same manner as did their grandparents. Consequently, the ethnic interest
is presented in diverse and novel manners in order to assure the greatest
interest and participation. For example:
The commemoration of March 25th can now be, and often is presented
as a celebration of the freedom of Greek Orthodoxy to establish Orthodox
faculties, Orthodox Christian press, education etc. We no longer speak of
the state but of the "ethnos" or the "genos" and of Hellenes and Phil-
Hellenes. Cyprus, and Macedonia are presented as broadly based human
rights and justice issues in which we Americans have an interest because
of our background; Greek School is a "cultural enrichment experience"
that benefits mixed-marriages through the broader total education of the
children. And don't bother to say "Ζήτω ή Ελλάς!" because few know
how to respond anymore. Mixed marriages have helped us to redefine our­
selves more as hyphenated Americans rather than transported Greeks in
America.
Unfortunately, many non-Greek Orthodox are under pressure to be "more
Greek." If the parish wants to help mixed marriages, it needs to be very
careful to avoid adding to that pressure. A recent advertisement for a book
on Greek customs and traditions suggested that the local Philoptochos
 Gratsias: Effect of Mixed Marriage on the Parish 369

purchase copies and give one as a gift to each mixed marriage couple. My
experience has been that such a gift coupled with the pressures of the Greek
mother-in-law could be the final straw that would drive the couple from
the church. For us, it is the Orthodox faith that must be lived, while cul-
tural traditions are to be appreciated. A book dealing with Orthodoxy would
be the appropriate gift, and would say a lot about our priorities.
Finally, what do we do? Shall we focus on the positive or negative
effects of mixed marriages? About six years ago a New York Greek-Ameri-
can periodical was featuring Long Island parishes and that project involved
interviewing all the pastors. One of the questions for me was, "And what
about you? You also have a major problem with mixed marriages?" The
caller was taken aback when I answered, "Plenty of mixed marriages but
it's not a problem; it can be a blessing."
We all encourage marriage between two Orthodox Christians because
the communality of faith, tradition, spiritual life and culture constitute
important building blocks that will be part of the foundation of a good
marriage. Many building blocks will have to be added to such a founda-
tion. How good it is when some are already there.
When however, there are many mixed marriages we cannot be discour-
aged. We must be optimistic and seize the opportunity to build the Body of
Christ. The Holy Spirit does not abandon us because we have mixed mar-
riages. The Spirit works with us for mixed marriages are surely part of the
vineyard.
We are challenged! We are confronted with the reality that the Church
in America looks and acts differently than fifty years ago and she has an
extraordinary mission. Our work is to build up the Body of Christ in this
land of cultural diversity. Evangelism is not just an option—it is an im-
perative. We should never be dependent on mixed marriages to carry out
our mission, but they do provide one good opportunity. We are not stealing
souls when evangelizing to the mixed-marriage couple since in most cir-
cumstances the non-Orthodox are not in Church at any time except when
in ours. Too often the non-Orthodox spouse is in a state of spiritual sus-
pension and needs a spiritual home. We have a responsibility for them.
Our efforts will benefit the marriage and will solidify an Orthodox family.
Our endeavor must be to integrate the mixed marriage family into the
Church. To not do so too often means the loss of the Orthodox and the
children.
The process towards Chrismation should be at the initiative of the pas-
370 The Greek Orthodox Theological Review: 40/3-4,1995
tor whenever possible. The suggestion of conversion by the Orthodox spouse
can too often be interpreted as a control factor or complicated by some
sensitivities in the marital relationship.
The administration of the Sacrament should be an important part of the
parish life, i.e., celebrated at the Sunday Liturgy, the new Orthodox being
welcomed and later honored at the coffee hour, reception, etc. Sacraments
of Chrismation should be major events in parish life .
Parishes must make the effort to integrate, educate, and to Chrismate.
Such efforts do not always bring the desired effects. One colleague said in
reference to one parishioner, "I chrismated her but I don't think it took."
Yet from one parishioner chrismated two years ago I heard, "I feel so joy-
ous!" Isn't this really God's design, to bring people into the worship, the
sacraments and the joy of Christ?
 ^ s
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