Nef

Jacob Nef

Mrs. Scharf

AP Lang

8 January 2019

Freedom/Safety Revision

Safety is a major focus within society.1 ​Cars require seat belts. Boats require life jackets.

Houses require locks​.2 ​While these examples are simple steps towards safety, there are much

larger ones that are widely debated over; for example, the decreasing personal privacy in

exchange for tighter, more efficient security.3 The social critic H.L. Mencken claims that people

would rather be safe than free.​ While humans generally do want to be safe, it is incorrect to

assume they would give up their freedoms to achieve that security.4 ​The public wants a balance

between the two​.5

The people of contemporary society, especially those in America, are promised certain

inalienable rights. When anyone tries to eliminate those freedoms, the people put up a fight,

whether it is for their safety or not.6 ​A few years ago, the famous privacy vs. security argument

was debated in court.​ ​A terrorist’s iPhone had been discovered, possibly containing crucial

information--the kind that could prevent another terrorist strike.7 Apple, ​however8, has designed

a lock for all their devices that makes guess-checking very difficult. ​In the court case, the

1
Simple sentence
2
Parallel structure
3
Complex compound sentence
4
Complex sentence, dep. clause - ind. clause
5
Original sentence: “The public is in need of a balance with the two”
6
Parallel structure
7
Complex compound sentence
8
Original: “Though,”
 Nef

government wanted Apple to release an update which would install a backdoor into all devices.9

This would have given the government complete access to everyone’s personal information

stored in their phones, in exchange for a more absolute safety from possible terrorist attacks.10

The people did not give up their rights to privacy when the government came for those freedoms.

Humans will only allow for very few rights to be taken away in order to gain security. ​While

some may go further than others for a measure of safety, it is practically always only to a certain

point.11 The general public agrees that it would be awful and dystopic if the government stripped

us of all our rights; essentially locking us away for our own security.12

Sentence types

Clarified/revised

Parallel structure

9
Parallel with “A few years ago…”
10
Complex sentence, ind. clause - dep. clause
11
Original sentence: “While some may go further than this for safety, it is always only to a certain point”
12
Semicolon