This weekend, as my Facebook feed was flooded with happy graduates celebrating their

important milestone, I found myself experiencing conflicting feelings and emotions, ranging
from shame and guilt to frustration and anxiety. Although I could not be happier for those who
crossed (or will cross) the stage, I am burdened by my own experience over the last five years -
a burden that I have been carrying now for a year.

In 2014, at the age of 35 and fresh out of rehab for alcoholism, I made the decision to go back
to school for Social Work. I intended to turn my life around and help struggling individuals, as I
once was. I spent two years at Kirkwood in Cedar Rapids and the experience could not have
been better. I dove headfirst into my program, had the unwavering support of nearly every
professor, and excelled beyond my wildest expectations. I was, at first, hesitant to go back as a
nontraditional student, but Kirkwood goes above and beyond to make EVERY student
comfortable. And I was. I was the most comfortable I had been in a very long time. I graduated
with a 4.00 GPA in May of 2016.

By this time, I was committed to continuing my education at Loras College. Because I was
relocating to Dubuque, I had to choose between three schools and Loras seemed to be the best
choice. I knew that Loras, being a Catholic college, would be a different experience than a larger
state university. I knew that the student body would be mainly 18-22, but I was optimistic. My
first week at Loras was a bit awkward - there were MAYBE two or three students over the age
of 30 despite being told during my campus visit that “there are many nontraditional students
here at Loras.” Although I felt different on campus, I made the most of my time at Loras.
Regardless of the age difference, I bonded with many of my fellow students and made strong
connections with faculty and staff members. I felt supported and valued during that first year.

As I did at Kirkwood, I put everything I had into performing well and getting the most out of my
education as I could. I stepped out of my comfort zone on many occasions but I never felt as
though I had to compromise who I was or what I believed in order to fit into a small Catholic
college in Iowa…until I began to question certain policies - especially those related to LGBTQ
issues.

I consider myself a humble person and I will always admit when I err, but I can say with
confidence that I was a model student at Loras. I was respectful, followed directions, and
worked my ass off to maintain my grades. I did this, in part, because I knew that I had more to
prove than other students. I made mistakes in my past that I knew could hinder my ability to
find a job in the field that I had chosen. I was pushing myself further than I ever had in my
nearly four decades…and then I crashed. After awesome opportunities and accolades, including
a life-changing summer internship in San Francisco, I hit a wall. I also began to see Loras College
in a different light. I started to notice their cult-like mentality (in which your social media
accounts are monitored to ensure that nothing negative is said about the school) and devotion
to the Archdiocese and Uber-Catholic (and rich) donors. I realized that true respect and
acceptance of sexual minorities was not something Loras valued. In fact, during a meeting with
a leader at the college, I was told that Loras had to “toe the line” between what I, as a student,
wanted and what the Catholic Church believes.
This was late winter/early Spring of 2018 - just a few short months before I was set to graduate
maxima cum laude. It’s when my drive and mental health began to deteriorate. It’s when I
started to question whether I wanted to be tied to Loras College. Now, some will say that a
degree is a degree, that It doesn’t matter where it’s from. To that, I disagree. I worked too hard
to compromise. Those few months before I was to walk across the stage were very
psychologically trying. I had made the decision to take the semester off and finish the handful
of credits I had left that following Summer. On May 19, 2018, I walked across the stage at
commencement, took my fake diploma, and shook the hands of men that I don’t respect. But I
did not graduate from Loras College.

Let me be clear, I will never regret attending Loras. I met so many amazing people. I will also
never regret not finishing my credits at Loras. I do not want to be an alumnus of a school that
has yet to embrace complete and total acceptance of all students. Period. Many will think me
stupid but trust me, I’m my own worst critic, and I am not concerned. My educational journey is
not over. I will always be grateful for everything I learned at Loras, both good and bad. Tonight,
I’m proud that I’m #NotADuhawk.