ENGLISH LEARNER 500 SHORT STORIES FOR

BEGINNER-INTERMEDIATE VOL. 2

Mike Carlson

PRONOUN
 TABLE OF CONTENTS
Copyright
Dedication
Introduction
500 Story Titles with Grade Level
500 Stories
591. The Grass Is Always Greener
641. Pretty Face, Pretty Smile, Pretty Sad
691. Three-Ring Circus on the B49
741. No Easy Way out for Killer
791. Don’t Make Excuses for Hotdog Loser
841. New Job, New Disease
891. Baby Left in a Manger
941. Thugs Punk Drunk from Dark Park
991. Trump: “He Started It!”
500 Story Titles Sorted by Grade Level
Index
More by Mike Carlson
 COPYRIGHT

English Learner 500 Short Stories for Beginner-Intermediate Vol. 2

Thank you for purchasing this book. If you enjoy these stories, you might also enjoy Vol. 1 (500
stories, 99 cents), available via links at eslyes.com and at the websites of popular booksellers.
All rights reserved.
Aside from brief quotations for media coverage and reviews, no part of this book may be
reproduced or distributed in any form without the author’s written permission. Thank you for
supporting authors and a diverse, creative culture by purchasing this book and complying with
copyright laws.

Copyright © 2017 by Mike Carlson

Interior design by Pronoun
Distribution by Pronoun
ISBN: 9780991599417
 DEDICATION

To Roy F. Carlson (1928-2015),

B. of General Education, 1964;

B.A., Education, 1970;
M.S., Education, 1972;
Ed.S., Education Specialist, 1979;

U.S. Army ret.,

Carroll HS teacher ret.,
husband of Patricia E.,
father of eight—the most wonderful dad any child could ever want.
(1964—University of Omaha; 1970, 1972, 1979—Troy State University)
 Instead of just saluting Dad with the short Dedication above, I’ve added his autobiography and
a few other writings below. We miss him so much. How wonderful it would be to see him once
more, even if only briefly.

Written/typed by Dad and mailed to all the kids:

21 July 2008
Autobiography of Roy F. Carlson
Born 1 Jan 1928, Brooklyn, NY
1. Streets of Brooklyn—handball, stickball, touch football, dice games (cops)
2. Shoe shining, subway episode, dancing on roller skates at rink
3. Petty thievery—2 cents from newsstand and 5&10 Cents store
4. Hitching rides—on sled in snow—trousers caught, grape truck hadn’t stopped, tailgate
episode
5. Stopping trolley for mom—Frank* chasing me thru traffic *Dad’s older brother
6. Steeplechase and Coney Island swimming—Sunset pool
7. Large 2-wheel junk cars and long hills
8. Frank caught with stolen goods—Juvenile Dept. gets me membership in YMCA 9. Two
summer camps—NJ and New Hampshire—swimming, baseball
10. Public School #2—Dewey Jr. High, Brooklyn HS of Automotive Trades. Punched teacher
there and walked out—to Manual Training HS
11. 16 years old—quit HS to go to Maritime School, Sheepshead Bay, NY, April 1944. World
War II, seamen shortage. Prior to Merchant Marine service, US Navy recruiter at Floyd Bennett
Field, Brooklyn, saw through my altered birth certificate to make me 17 years old. Told me to
come back next year. 12. Eight weeks seaman training at Sheepshead Bay—graduate—assigned to
a Philadelphia hotel for ship assignment—few days later joined crew on oil tanker, “Axtell J.
Byles,” about 1 Aug 1944. Tidewater Oil Co. owned ship
13. Sailed overnite from Philadelphia to the Narrows off Brooklyn shore.
14. Awaited convoy to form. Freighter torpedoed outside NY harbor while waiting.
15. Set sail with destination unknown—I had requested Murmansk Run—$1,000 each way.
Tanker had Navy crew on board—3 & 5 inch guns (bow & stern), plus anti-aircraft guns.
Returning to Item 10—At PS 2, 6th grade, Miss Magee, we went to 1939 World’s Fair, Long
Island; I and my 3 classmate “followers,” on my suggestion, broke from class and toured the fair
on our own. Stayed till 7:30 pm or so, no class in sight. Had no money for subway fare to
Brooklyn. Surrendered to cops—teacher contacted and she and brother drove in pouring rain to get
us home at 11 pm.
Returning to Item 12—Had boxing night at Maritime Base—I went around inviting guys to box
 500 STORY TITLES WITH GRADE LEVEL

541. Fishing for Compliments 1.7

542. T-Shirts for Meet-Ups 4
543. Be Nice or Don’t Graduate 4.6
544. Do the Right Thing 2.5
545. Old Lady Tries to Cut in Line 2.1
546. A New Toilet Seat, Returned 1.9
547. Snail Mail vs. Snail Fax 3.4
548. Happy Thanksgiving! 5.5
549. A Little Help down the Stairs 1.8
550. Tew Plus Foor Izz Ayt 6.5
551. Train Wreck: Lost Lives, Lost Honor 2.7
552. Toss and Turn All Night 1.9
553. Ho $, Ho $, Ho $ 2.3
554. Superman Rides the Q Train 3.8
555. A Shot in the Dark 2
556. The Electric Shaver Savior 5.5
557. I’m Always Here for You…Well, Maybe 1.3
558. Bake It Black 2.5
559. If They’re Old, They’re Dirty 3.4
560. You Talking to Me? 3.1
561. If You Can’t Trust Your Doctor 5.6
562. TP Doesn’t Grow on Trees, You Know 2.8
563. Can’t Sleep? Meet My Feet! 2.6
564. Laundry Watch 2.7
565. Clock Me Out, Please 2.2
566. Even Steven 1.9
567. Counter Offensive 0.8
568. Soap Suds and Clean Duds 4.9
569. A Gift for Sale 3.4
570. Dinner and a Movie 3.5
572. We All Scream for…Gelato! 3.3
573. Who’s the Boss of You? 3.7
574. Ten Big One$ in the Big Apple 2.8
575. Spidey Scales Spire of 1WTC 6.5
576. A Kiss Is Just a Kiss 3.4
577. The Paper Chase 1.9
578. Time Waits for—This Baby 2.5
579. Life of Pi 3.7
580. Words of Love from His Wife 1.1
581. Asking Will Make Her “Nupset” 2.9
582. Sucko Lotto 5.2
583. What’s in a (File) Name? 3.9
584. Everything Everywhere Is a Story 4.4
585. It Fires Banana Seeds 3.3
586. Plane Lost, Blame Found 3.1
587. A Family That Shops Together 2.2
588. Your Dime, Your Whine 5.2
589. The Big Apple Gets Its Apple 3.5
590. Ma and Pa Drive to NYC 3.1

591. The Grass Is Always Greener 3.3

592. Ear, Nose, Throat—Feet 3.1
593. Too Ugly for Friendship 3.2
594. A Cheap NYC Hotel 2.5
595. A Voodoo Doll in His Image 2.5
596. The Spire Makes It Higher 4.8
597. Captain Kirk Is in the House 4.4
598. Back to Square One 2.6
599. How to Open a Plastic Produce Bag 2.1
600. He Offers Them His Seat 3.9
601. Who Do You Want to Be? 6.5
602. Cat Attacks Dog Attacks Boy 5.5
603. Big C Takes Mom’s Sis 4.3
604. The Laziest Boy in the World 1.2
605. Work till You Drop 2.6
606. Train Surfers Need More Training 1.2
607. The Metro Card with Feet 2.7
608. Free Lunches for All! 4.5
609. Grandpa and His Legacy 4.6
610. Gigabytes That Takeabyte 3.8
611. Bridge Jumpers vs. Track Jumpers 4.4
612. All Devices Should Beep Loudly Constantly 3.2
613. 2,4,8,16, 32… = A Whole New You! 0.8
614. Oh, to Have a Plump Rump 3
615. The Inker That Tinkered 3.5
616. She Never Knew What Didn’t Hit Her 3.9
617. Don’t Do Anything except Drive 2
618. What’s a 3-Letter Word for “Cool”? 3.3
619. Where Will the Homeless Sleep? 2.6
620. Popeye Meets MJ Meets Balloon Dog 5.1
621. Find a Spot at Noon for July 4 Fireworks 4.2
622. How Soon We Forget 4.4
623. Sticks and Stones Can Break My Bones 2.5
624. First Things First Every Morning 4
625. How about Acting like a Grown-Up? 2.8
626. Cramps with Amps 3.7
627. Oldest Living Person Hasn’t Lost It Yet 3.2
628. Wtd: NYC Bldg Inspectors—NoExpNec 6.5
629. Who Would Suspect a Third Grader? 1.6
630. At 105, She Didn’t Hog the Cake 2.7
631. Follow Your Instincts 3.5
632. Every Picture Tells a Story 3.9
633. Born to Lose 3.1
634. Do Half as Much Double-Checking 4
635. Cops That Just Say No 6
636. Mom Abandons Baby in Subway 4.4
637. New Law: More Marinada than Marijuana 5.2
638. Ants in Your Plants 2
639. Fresh, Frozen, Canned 4.1
640. He’s More His than Hers 2.1

641. Pretty Face, Pretty Smile, Pretty Sad 2.3

642. The Wife, or the Law? 3
643. “Ours” and “Theirs” Elevators 6.1
644. At Least the Bridge Is Still There 4.6
645. More Guards, Fewer Drownings 4.9
646. Cause of Death: Dumbidity 2.3
647. Frowny Face in Word 2007 4.1
648. The 50% Golden Rule 3.7
649. Maybe When We All Have 4 Stomachs 2.2
650. A Love Letter 1.6
651. The Ticket Is Half Full 2
652. Baby Sleeping, Engine Running 3.3
653. Who’s on First? What’s on Second? 3.1
654. Honk if You Love Her, Too 3.8
655. You Think YOUR Train Is Crowded 4.2
656. A Field Day with Apples 3
657. Rock, Machete, Lasso 3.9
658. She Had to Break It to Fix It 2
659. PSA: Baby Samaritans, Not Snatchers 4.2
660. Teacher, the Ebola Ate My Homework! 4.8
661. On Sundays He Plays His Bass Drum 3.8
662. Smoking Hot Trumps Smoking 1.5
663. It’s Columbus Day—or Not! 6.3
664. NYC ACS—Save the Children 3.3
665. A Word to the Wise, and Otherwise 1.7
666. Stuck in the Same Boat 2.2
667. Rock Paper Scissors Victor 3.8
668. Restaurant Grades—Score Schmore! 2.8
669. Glaucoma Isn’t Just for Grandpa 2.7
670. The Fat Fix 2.8
671. Don’t Drop That Eyeball! 5.9
672. Halfway Done, Halfway There 3.4
673. Pick Your Poison 6.4
674. Supe Fails to Fix Faucet 2.2
675. No More Bedtime Stories 4
676. Look for a Nickel, Find a Quarter 1.5
677. Memories Are Made of This 3.6
678. Out with the Old, In with the New 3.3
679. Thanks for Saying Thanks 2.8
680. Out of –sight, Out of Mind 3.5
681. To See, or Not to See 3
682. Don’t Call Me a Racist! 4.2
683. Smart Phone Learns a Lesson 3.3
684. Banana Nana No Booboo 2.2
685. Are You a Real New Yorker? 2.2
686. Honker Helper for Hopeless Honkers 3.9
687. It Ended, and Began, with a Gun 5.2
688. Red Shirt Not Worth a Red Cent 3.5
689. All’s Well That Ends Well 3.3
690. Be Grateful There’s No “Durian Week” 4

691. Three-Ring Circus on the B49 3.9

692. A Dangerous Borrowed Pencil 2.3
693. A First-Time Flu Shot 2.6
694. New Neighbor Joins the Club 2.2
695. Boss Refuses to Share His Caddy 3.3
696. Snow and Ice Make Walking Not Nice 2.2
697. His Water and Brain Are Boiling 4.6
698. Elvis: I Want Her, and Her 3.3
699. What’s behind the Bathroom Door? 3.6
700. I Love Her so Much 3.2
701. Magazine Tries to Trick Him 3.6
702. Next! Finish This, Start That 1.6
703. Nose Doc Knows Shortcut 3.8
704. Drug Money Is Tainted Money 2.5
705. Radio Host Attacks President 4.3
706. NYC World Series Final Is a Gem 4.2
707. Brooklyn Bridge Meets Moby-Ship 4.5
708. Schoolwork as Easy as Pi 4.6
709. What Goes Around Comes Around 1.8
710. Cop’s Funeral: Disrespect, or No Big Deal? 5
711. Give Me Back My Baby! 4.8
712. Whom to Blame for French Massacre? 7.7
713. A Queens Fish Tale 3.5
714. The Oscars Are Broken 4.6
715. “DeflateGate” Rocks Football Nation 6
716. Payo Clinic’s Free Health Letter 4.1
717. Scrub-a-Rub-Yikes in the Tub 4.7
718. Ten Houses? 20 Cars? I’ll Take Fresh Shorts 3.4
719. Which Neighbor Steals His Paper? 4.1
720. Yay! No More Winter Clothing 4.9
721. Why Not Melt Snow Instead of Push It? 5.4
722. She Can’t Keep Grandpa Home 2.6
723. Other Lives Matter, Too 6.8
724. Car Purrs—Like a Paper Tiger 8.2
725. Mountaintop Guru Serves Tea, Saves World 4.2
726. Web Search for a Job in NYC 7.6
727. Four Lanes Fail to Faze Fearless Man 3.5
728. For Felon: Pain-Free Farewell 4.5
729. Phew! Is That You? 2.3
730. Fat Fine Not Fine with Mom and Dad 5.1
731. NYC Radio Station Going Spanish 6.7
732. Non-Geek Is an Apple Tech 3.1
733. Take the Pill and Tell the Truth 3.9
734. President: No Cure for Racism 6.6
735. Scientist: Racism to End Soon 7.1
736. A Doctor, a Glove, a Finger 3.9
737. NYC Schools: Kid Gloves for Kids 8.6
738. Earth: An Eon with No Neon 4.3
739. Do It without Doing It 7
740. You Say Burrito, I Hear Statico 8.1

741. No Easy Way out for Killer 3.9

742. United States Not So United 4.5
743. He’s Happy, He Whistles 3.5
744. NYC: Kill the Golden Goose 3.9
745. After Mohs, Dr. Sohs, Cancer Gohs 2.6
746. Pure Energy, She’ll Never Die 2.8
747. March 31—The Day Dad Died 4.4
748. VA Job Interview Goes S 4.9
749. Divorce Means “I Love You”?! 3.1
750. Everyone Is Too Darn Sensitive 6.7
751. It’s NYC: Pee Anywhere You Want 6.7
752. Mayor’s No Biker-Liker 9.3
753. Warm Thoughts in the Wee Hours 3.5
754. NYPD Ignores Fruit, Van in Brooklyn St. 6
755. She’s All He’s Left With 5.3
756. Twixt B Train and Platform 2.5
757. Which Is Worse to Be Fired For? 5
758. Classmate’s Tooth Fails to Interest Her 5.8
759. Teacher Dislikes Student’s Questions 3.8
760. Memorial Day Honors “Deterans” 5.2
761. Painter Wants 10% of Each Resale 4.1
762. No Cussing at the Customers 3.2
763. Her 20-Second Talk Rule 5.2
764. Thank You for Your Service 3.4
765. Her Oral Garlic Garden 4
766. Why NYC’s Called “The Big Apple” 3.4
767. One Year Living in a Globe 6.2
768. Honklyn, New Honk City, The Honx 4.8
769. The Unhappy Lemonade Man 4.9
770. The Happy Lemonade Man 8
771. Why Do People Write Stories? 2.8
772. Happy Father’s Day in Heaven 3.3
773. Liberal NYC Liberates Street Signs 5.7
774. Get Your Buzz from Being Busy 3.3
775. Fly the Formerly Friendly Skies 8
776. She Has a Police Artist Face 4.6
777. Rebel Flag Goes South 10.5
778. General Lee Becomes Unperson 9.1
779. The Red Pencil Family 3.1
780. White Trainee vs. Black Trainee 4.4
781. Dumbest Honker in NYC 4
782. SCOTUS Okays Same-Sex Marriage 7.2
783. Getting to Know You 2.8
784. Divided States of America 6.9
785. I’m Shocked, I Tell You—Shocked! 5.4
786. Cluck, Cluck! 3
787. Teacher Insults Slow Student 3.6
788. Bad Habits Are to Be Enjoyed 5.6
789. There’s a New Sausage in Town 8.1
790. Last Ride on Coney’s Cyclone 4.4

791. Don’t Make Excuses for Hotdog Loser 4.5

792. Coming Through—Make a Hole 4.7
793. Pretty Is Better than Smart 3.4
794. Radio Show Spelling Contest 4.7
795. Fido Fetches 50 Items—by Name 3.7
796. Life after Life 5.6
797. Unasked-for Advice—It’s Human Nature 4.7
798. Smart Gamblers Don’t Play Lottery 3.8
799. Dunce Hat for Her, Jobs for Others 4
800. Inmate Becomes PutMeOutmate 4.4
801. Claustrophobia on B Train 3.6
802. Drop a Dime on Drunk Drivers 9.5
803. Skin on Skin on Q Train 3
804. I Left My Puddle in SF 6.9
805. SuperBowl QB Mum Re Texts 5.2
806. Dad, I Miss You 2.5
807. LGBT Scouts of America? 4.5
808. Capital Punishment for Racists 6.3
809. Creepy, Crawly Cooties 6.5
810. Sidewalk Bicyclist Flies, Swims 8.9
811. Beware the Internet of Things 8.8
812. Fences Make Bad Neighbors 4.6
813. A “Starter” Cigarette for Kids 5.8
814. Phooey on Golf 2.2
815. Watch Out for Pretty Magpies 2.5
816. Careful What You Sign 5
817. Topless in Times Square 7.3
818. An Undeserved Gift 4.9
819. Buttons His Lip Re Her Tat 3.7
820. Five Boroughs of Seatmate-Phobia 7.4
821. Have You Heard the One About? 3.7
822. Word Choice Matters 13.5
823. How Was Your Day (Briefly)? 4.5
824. Customer Service: 4 or 7? 4.3
825. When Shoe’s on Other Foot 7.8
826. Share Fun Fact with Class 4.1
827. Cruel Death for Cool Dad 6.5
828. Careful What You Pray For 7
829. Airline Might Soon Go Southsouth 9.2
830. Shark Bait Beats Mega Bet 3.6
831. Is She Pulling His Leg? 2.9
832. Jingle to Improve Pecan Sales 4.1
833. A Picture’s Worth 1,000 Kudos 4.7
834. Why Do the Poor Bankroll the Rich? 6.7
835. Germany Cheats on U.S. Car Test 7.2
836. Dog Takes Dump, Lady Takes Hike 5
837. Mom Goes On Till She Passes On 3.2
838. Telephone: Not Just a Kid’s Game 7.5
839. Next Search: “Affordable” Lawyer 3.6
840. Cobbler with Cobwebs 4

841. New Job, New Disease 3.3

842. The Fat Rises to the Top 4.4
843. Gargoyle Watches B38s Go By 5.3
844. Drunken Vegans: Where’s the Beef?! 5.1
845. Best Rx for Job Stress 4.5
846. Ain’t No Sunshine Now You’re Gone 8.3
848. Gas Co.: You Just Wait for Us! 4.2
849. I’ll Stick to You like Gum to a Shoe 6.8
850. Space Heater: Too Many Choices 4.1
851. Schizophrenia: A Life Too Long 3
852. Finally, a Dream Come True! 3.5
853. The New NYC: No Roaches, No Rubberneckers 9.9
854. Art: A Moustache on a Photo 6
855. Empathy Won’t Get You Hired 5.7
856. A Man and His New Dog 2.7
857. End of the World 2.0 7.9
858. Press 1 for English 2.9
859. A Hard Look in the Mirror 2.4
860. Four Weekends Is Forever? 5
861. Wife Lists Hubby’s Writing Skills 4.3
862. Horn of Used to Be Plenty 7.5
863. Mankind’s No. 1 Foe Is NOT Man?! 8.9
864. Buses Don’t Just Walk Away 7.7
865. Achtung! Guten Morgen! Gesundheit! 4.5
866. Fewer Tires, More Profit 4.4
867. No Law and No Order 4.4
868. No Smoking Anywhere in America! 6.5
869. If Kitty Won’t Eat It, More for Me 5
870. When Apt. Neighbors Are Vandals 5.4
871. What Are WE—Chopped Liver? 11
872. Remove HS Metal Detectors 5.7
873. There’s Always Someone Faster, Stronger 1.1
874. A Trip to a MuZZZeum 4.2
875. WaJaDo? Nuttin. WherJaGo? Nowhere. 1.9
876. Man Tries 50 Runs, 50 States 3.6
877. Whose Nose Do You Want? 6.6
878. Say Goodbye to Geo. Washington 10.2
879. The Rat Race Is Over 5.8
880. The Foreigners Are Coming! 7.4
881. The Shiny Pole of Death 3.3
882. Maybe He’s Just Overthinking 4.1
883. Who Looks Most Presidential? 3.9
884. OK Earthquakes Not OK 6.3
885. The Gasman Cometh, Goeth 3.6
886. M–y C––-s! 6
887. Slime Slides past Damaged Dam 3.1
888. What a Country—Everyone Passes 6.5
889. Colander OK, but Not Hijab 6
890. Home, Sweet Home—Seller Remorse 4.1

891. Baby Left in a Manger 3.6

892. Please Don’t Shoot the Help 8.3
893. 90% Off! Buy! Spend! Splurge! 2.7
894. Babies Come from—Storks? 2.9
895. Money in a Hat 5.1
896. Lexus Loses Its Luster 4.7
897. A Gift Set Aside 5.3
898. Wait List for Full-Service UES Bldg 6.7
899. Surprise Visit on Xmas Day 5.3
900. Soothe the Savage Breast 5.4
901. Homeless Shelter Too Close to Home 5.6
902. Race Together—A National Conversation 2.1
903. The Best Advice Is… 3.2
904. What Do Old Men Think About? 6.7
905. Massacres—Why Ask Why? 8.2
906. Out of the Shadows at Last 9.6
907. Grandma Gets a New Kitty 1.4
908. NPRNT 3.8
909. More Ketchup, Dear? 5.5
910. Unpersoning—Where Does It End? 5.3
911. “The Scream,” by G.W. Munch 8.8
912. LA Shuts Down, NYC Teaches On 8.4
913. Proofer Needs a 100-Proof Shot 2.9
914. Santa Avoids Soiled Pants 2.7
915. Fresh Fruit, Spoiled Students 3.7
916. White Is Beautiful—in 40 Years 4.4
917. No Greeting with “Season’s Greetings” 3
918. Silence, but No Vow Taken 4.5
919. A Santa Claus Story 3.2
920. For Some, Racism Is like Oxygen 7.1
921. Pretty Woman, Ugly Habit 3.6
922. And the New Miss Universe Is, Uh… 5.9
923. Traintive Speech by Down and Out 3.6
924. Mow Your Lawn in Your Shirt 5
925. Waiting Up for Santa 1.2
926. He Sullied the Salad 5.4
927. Art: What Is It, Really? 7
928. All She Wants for Xmas Is… 1.3
929. Is It AM or AN (ANnoying) Radio? 7
930. Hey, You Never, Uh, Win.® 4.4
931. But Dems Know: He THINKS It 7
932. Feline with Feelin’ 5.1
933. Happy Birthday, Dad! 4.5
934. Bad Breath, Black Lungs, Rank Duds 8.4
935. Now It’s Your Turn to Wait 3.7
936. Row, Go, Row, Go, Row Your Boat 4.8
937. Diamonds, a Guard’s Best Friend 8.1
938. Freemen Freezing in the Brroughs 5.1
939. Curtis—Potential POTUS? 6.2
940. Innocent Lad or Spoiled Brat? 6.8

941. Thugs Punk Drunk from Dark Park 7.4

942. Everyone Is Beautiful—to Someone 6.4
943. Don’t Be Meen at Halloween 5.6
944. To Hospital Bacteria: All Aboard! 9.5
945. Attack of the Blizzards! 3.1
946. Hero Heists Hero, Filches Filberts 5.1
947. He Tests People, Too 6.5
948. A Coffin Waits in Brooklyn 2.6
949. College Bum Gets a Job 3.6
950. Constantly Correcting Corey 4.9
951. Maybe She Could Regift Car 5.1
952. Pb + H2O = Brain Drain 9.6
953. But You Can’t Hang Soup on a Wall 4.7
954. No Praise for Council’s Self-Raise 10.5
955. Planet’s Sole Paperless Place 5.3
956. Meteorite Transforms Town, Man 8.3
957. A Shot, a Stairwell, a Silence 5.2
958. Lights Off? Gas Off? TV Off? 4.8
959. A. We’re All Africans B. Speak for Yourself 6.1
960. Lease Roulette—Black, or Red? 4
961. The Proof Is in the Grunting 3
962. Cyclocross? More like Double-Cross 5.8
963. Butterfly Net for Cat-Woman 5.2
964. Foto Algo Turns Teens Off 4.7
965. Boy to Meet His Bro—a Truck 2.4
966. iHate My iPhone 3.4
967. Step Aside on Sidewalk 4.4
968. Who Is without Sin? 3.8
969. They’re Our Future—If They Survive 4
970. Cell Life Looks Good 8.1
971. Believe in Yourself 4.1
972. Herr Hair—Orange, That Is 8.6
973. Vote One, Vote All 13.2
974. Silent So Long at Office 5.4
975. Visiting Hours Are Over 3.6
976. Play Nice with Payroll 4.8
977. WWII Solved Racism Problem 5
978. African Cabbie Loves America 4.9
979. Vote with Your Organ 4.7
980. What IS America All About? 10.1
981. Racist, Bigot, Demagogue, Etc. 3
982. Big Bird Springs Jailbirds 9.7
983. Rikers Releases Reprobates 10.4
984. Manhattan Man without a Plan 3.3
985. Princess Picks Her Prince 3.3
986. No Love at the Net 6.3
987. Father Feeds Family Second 4
988. Grown-Ups Grab Adult Diapers 6.9
989. Terrorists Terrify Traveler 3.4
990. Free Diapers for City Tots 8.6

991. Trump: “He Started It!” 4.7

992. Oscars So White—Solved 5.3
993. A Glass Door She Can’t Open 3.2
994. “That” Word Is Our Word 2.2
995. A Man True to His Word 7.6
996. Dad: Nobody Will Remember Me 4.4
997. Another Day, Another Cliché 3.6
998. NYC: Swimming in (Free!) Franklins 9.6
999. Hack Attacks by the Office Seal 4.2
1000. Retiree Should Get a Job 4
1001. Bad Eval Alarms Worker 4.7
1002. Q, as in Not PDQ 5.1
1003. Unisex Toilets, Outfits 4 All 9.9
1004. EEO to Take Down Godzilla 5.4
1005. Garble-Garble at Garble Square 3.9
1006. Songs That Change Lives 2
1007. Tears in My Eyes 2.9
1008. Why He Loves His Friend 3.6
1009. The World’s Best Barber 3
1010. MTA, Lower Your Tix$ for the Poor 5.1
1011. You Can Count On Grandma 3.5
1012. No Sweet Dreams on Used Pillows 3.8
1013. Judge Ends Unfair Laws 6.7
1014. People Love People News 5.6
1015. Make America Hate Again 9.2
1016. The Truth about Lies 4.5
1017. Worth Only $4B? What a Loser! 4.3
1018. Adam and Eve—What a Family! 4.1
1019. Sash Clash for Sad Grad 4.3
1020. Hear, Hear! 3.3
1021. There Goes the Neighborhood 5.6
1022. — Said, – Said 6.6
1023. The Eyebrows Have It 4.2
1024. Losta Lotsa Pasta 4.4
1025. Politics Makes Strange Bedfellows 6.2
1026. Let There Be Light 3.4
1027. Who Moved My Cheese? 3
1028. One Door Closes, Same Door Opens 1.1
1029. Guru Wisdom—or Wisdumb? 2.8
1030. Moist Eyes on Father’s Day 4.2
1031. No Pulse in Florida 8.7
1032. A Black and White Family 3.8
1033. Nose Makes the Man 6.2
1034. Uh, What Was Your Name Again? 3.3
1035. Next-Door Nay-Brr 5.1
1036. Hate Makes the World Go Down 2
1037. Hors d’Oeuvre Meets Picky Kids 2.6
1038. Art Not to Be Sneezed At 5.9
1039. Long Day, Long Face 3.3
1040. Short Stories, Long Time 3.3
 500 STORIES

English Learner 500 Short Stories for Beginner-Intermediate Vol. 2

By Mike Carlson (michaeleslATgmail.com)
© 2016 Mike Carlson. All Rights Reserved.
ISBN: 978-0-9915994-1-7
Copyright Registration Number: TXu 2-026-726
Effective Date of Registration: September 7, 2016

541. Fishing for Compliments

One spring day, she asked, “How do you like my new shoes?” He looked at them and said,
“They’re nice.” The next week, she asked, “How do you like my new dress?” He looked at it and
said, “It’s nice.” The next week, she asked, “How do you like my new purse?” He looked at it and
said, “It’s nice.” The next week, she asked, “How do you like my new hairdo?” He looked at her
and said, “It’s nice.” The next week, she asked, “How do you like my new manicure?” He looked
at her hands and said, “That’s nice.” Then he asked, “Why are you always fishing for
compliments?” She said, “Because I have to, that’s why. Getting a compliment from you is like
pulling teeth. You never notice anything about me unless I point it out to you. Be glad I’m not
fishing for a new husband.”
[1.7, 100, 0%, 10.0, 150]

542. T-Shirts for Meet-Ups

Oliver owned a T-shirt store. His T-shirts were different. Printed on them were parts of books.
A paragraph from a book was on the front of a shirt. A paragraph from another book was on the
back of a shirt. Following each paragraph were the title of the book and the name of Oliver’s store.
Oliver said, “I call them my ‘parashirts.’ They accomplish several things. They make me money.
They get people interested in reading the book. And, of course, they’re great icebreakers. People
standing near someone will start reading the T-shirt. They might say to the person, ‘That looks like
an interesting book. Have you read it yourself?’ I’ve got lots of single and divorced customers.
They say these T-shirts are a great icebreaker for singles who don’t own dogs. Plus, you don’t
need to carry a plastic bag when you take your T-shirt out for a walk.”
[4.0, 81.6, 0%, 8.8, 150]
 543. Be Nice or Don’t Graduate
One day the school principal heard about a student yelling at a student in a wheelchair. The
next day he heard about a boy mocking a girl’s gait. She walked with a permanent limp. The
principal sent a memo to the teachers. It said, “We’re going to have a new class—‘Be Nice.’ All
students must attend. They’ll get to experience what it’s like to be ‘different.’ They’ll wear a
blindfold all day to experience poor vision. They’ll wear earplugs all day to experience poor
hearing. They’ll use crutches all day to experience poor mobility. They’ll learn to appreciate what
less fortunate students experience every day.” Mr. Evans, a math teacher, thought the “Be Nice”
class lacked one experience. He said, “They should have to wear gags in their mouths all day. That
way, they’ll be unable to say mean things, and we teachers will experience some peace and quiet.”
[4.6, 80.9, 0%, 10.7, 150]

544. Do the Right Thing

Gayle shared a workplace locker with Dina. Dina left work early one day. Running late for an
appointment, she failed to relock the locker. Gayle went to the locker later that day. Her purse was
gone. She told her boss. Her boss called Dina. Dina said she must have forgotten to relock the
locker. The boss called Manhattan’s 10th Precinct police. The next day, Gayle told Dina, “My
$1,400 Versace purse is gone. Not to mention everything that was in it. You should do the right
thing, without my having to ask you.” Dina said, “The right thing? Well, I apologize, if that’s what
you mean. But I’m not buying you a new purse. It’s not my fault it’s missing. You should have done
the right thing in the first place.” Gayle said, “Me? What should I have done?” Dina said, “You
should have left your fancy purse at home!”
[2.5, 90.3, 0%, 7.5, 150]

545. Old Lady Tries to Cut in Line

Holly was at the 99 Cents store. Ten lines were at ten registers. Holly looked for a short line.
There wasn’t one. But a man at the end of one line didn’t have anything in his hands. Maybe he’s
only going to buy a candy bar at the counter, Holly thought. She got in line behind him. The line
moved slowly. But finally, Holly was third in line. Suddenly, the man addressed an old woman in
the next line. She was sixth in her line. Her shopping cart was full of many small items. He said
“Mom” and motioned to her. The two of them had split up to increase their chances of getting a
faster line. She started to push her cart toward her son. Angrily, Holly said, “Oh, no, you don’t,
Grandma. You’re in that line. You stay in that line. You’re not cutting in front of me.”
[2.1, 93.9, 0%, 7.8, 150]
 546. A New Toilet Seat, Returned
In mid-December, Troy wondered, What can I get my wife for Christmas? He thought and
thought. Finally, the answer came to him—a new toilet seat! Their toilet seat was at least five
years old. It had come with their apartment. He went to House Depot. He found a similar seat for
only $6. Surprisingly, it was returnable. He installed the new seat. When his wife got home, she
went straight into the bathroom. Minutes later, Troy heard through the door, “What’s this?” He said,
“It’s your new toilet seat! How do you like it?” She said, “I hate it! Take it back. The hole’s too
small.” Troy said, “That’s ridiculous. All toilet seat holes are the same size.” She said, “Take it
back!” He took it back, but not before measuring the holes lengthwise. His wife was right. The
hole in the new seat was half an inch shorter.
[1.9, 93.3, 0%, 6.8, 150]

547. Snail Mail vs. Snail Fax

The fourth time the bank called that day, Molly answered the phone. A representative from
TB’s credit card division said, “We haven’t received your payment yet.” Molly said, “That’s
because I never got my statement. Of course, I don’t want to hurt my credit rating with a late
payment. But I’d rather not pay until I see exactly what I’m paying for.” He said, “I understand. We
can mail you your statement again. It’ll take seven to ten business days.” Molly said, “That’s too
long. Then I’ll be in the next cycle. Can’t you email me the statement?” He said, “We don’t email
statements. But we can fax you your statement.” Molly said, “Great! Fax it right now. After I check
it, I can pay you while we’re still on the phone.” He said, “Well, there’s a problem with that. You
see, our faxes take three to five business days.”
[3.4, 85.0, 0%, 8.3, 150]

548. Happy Thanksgiving!

Once a year, on Thanksgiving, Barry did the cooking and cleaning. He bought a 10-pound
turkey. He preheated the oven to 325 degrees. He stuck a meat thermometer into one of the turkey’s
thighs. The meat had to be at least 160 degrees. He put the bird into the oven. While it was
cooking, Barry prepared the other items for Thanksgiving dinner. Dinner included green beans,
stuffing, potatoes, gravy, and cranberry sauce. He set the table. When everything was ready, he
called his wife and son to dinner. When they finished eating, Barry brought out the dessert. After
dessert, Barry’s wife said, “Well, let’s remember what we’re thankful for today. I’m thankful I
have such a wonderful husband and son.” Barry said, “I’m thankful Thanksgiving is only once a
year.” Their son said, “I’m thankful you bought apple pie and vanilla ice cream for dessert. Can I
have some more?”
[5.5, 72.3, 0%, 9.4, 150]
 549. A Little Help down the Stairs
An old, thin woman was slowly walking down the subway station steps at 57th Street. She had
a bulky, cloth-covered cart. She put the cart on the step below her. Then she walked down to that
step. Then she put the cart on the next step below her. Then she walked down to that step. She was
about 30 steps from the turnstiles. Wally watched her slow descent as he walked up the steps. They
were the only two people in the stairwell. Wally thought, It’s Thanksgiving Day. I’ll give her
something to be thankful for. When they met, he asked, “Can I help you?” She said, “Oh, thank you
so much, dear.” He carried the cart to the bottom of the steps. He walked back up the steps. She
thanked him again. He watched her until she made it down to her cart. Someday, he thought, that’ll
be me.
[1.8, 96.2, 0%, 8.3, 150]

550. Tew Plus Foor Izz Ayt

Several students at a California school complained about their English professor. They
complained because she corrected errors in their papers. She corrected their capitalization. She
corrected their punctuation. She corrected their spelling. The students belonged to a minority group
called Colors United. They said the professor was racist. They said her corrections were acts of
micro-aggression. They said her corrections created a hostile class environment. They asked her to
stop correcting their papers. She refused. They asked the school president. He refused. CU sued
the school. The case went to the U.S. Supreme Court. In a 5-4 decision, the Court sided with the
students. Immediately, most schools nationwide ordered their English teachers to stop correcting
students’ errors. Not satisfied, CU launched another lawsuit. This one was against the school’s
math department. Said a CU spokesman, “Why does two plus two always have to equal four? That
sounds racist to us.”
[6.5, 60.8, 0%, 7.1, 150]

551. Train Wreck: Lost Lives, Lost Honor

Bob and Ray were talking about the recent train wreck. A passenger train bound for Grand
Central Station had crashed at a curve. Ten people were injured. One person died. The engineer
was unhurt. At first, the engineer said the brakes had failed. Authorities grilled him. Days later, he
admitted that he had dozed off. Bob said, “He should go to jail for murder.” Ray said, “You can’t
jail someone for dozing off. Instead, they should take him to Bellevue Hospital.” Bob said, “What
on earth for? He didn’t get a single scratch.” Ray said, “He’s a man without a backbone. He needs
an implant. Maybe then he’ll start owning up to his mistakes. He revealed a dark side to friends
and family. They’d thought he was an honorable man. But when he lied to cover his butt, he
showed his true colors. I mean, his true color—bright yellow.”
[2.7, 88.6, 0%, 7.5, 150]
 552. Toss and Turn All Night
Bernard said to his sister Barb, “It’s so hard to get to sleep at night. When I finally do get to
sleep, I wake up an hour or two later. Then I can’t get back to sleep again. All I think about is past
mistakes. Things I should have done. Things I shouldn’t have done. Things I should’ve said. Things
I shouldn’t have said. To stop thinking about the past, I try thinking about the future. But when I
think about the future, all I do is worry. Will I lose my job? Will I lose my health? Will I lose my
mind?” Barb said, “Well, instead of thinking about the past or future, why don’t you think about the
present?” Bernard said, “Ha! When I think about the present, all I think about is my boss, The Jerk.
He keeps me awake even more than the past or future!”
[1.9, 96.9, 0%, 8.8, 150]

553. Ho $, Ho $, Ho $
Every year he mailed his only grandchild, Melissa, a Christmas check. Every year he enclosed
a note. It said, “Please tell me when you get this check.” Every year she ignored his note. Every
year he had to call and ask, “Did you get my check?” This year he decided to do something
different. This year he “forgot” to sign the check. Two weeks passed. He called. He asked, “Did
you get my check?” She said, “Yes, but you didn’t sign it.” He asked, “Well, why didn’t you tell
me?” She said, “Because, Grandpa, I knew you’d call. Every year you send me a check and a note.
Every year I ignore your note. Every year you call me.” She said she loved him. They said
goodbye. He wrote her another check and mailed it—without the note. Someday, he smiled, you’re
going to have a granddaughter just like yourself.
[2.3, 91.4, 0%, 7.5, 150]

554. Superman Rides the Q Train

Billy and his mom were on the southbound Q train. At Prospect Park, Superman entered the
car. Superman was Billy’s hero. Billy’s mom said, “Look, honey! Superman!” Superman’s red
cape had a big yellow “S” on it. He was wearing a blue T-shirt, red slacks, and black sneakers.
Billy said, “That isn’t Superman, Mom.” Superman was wearing a backpack. A silver chain
connected the backpack to a one-gallon plastic jug. He’d taped copies of one-dollar bills all over
the inside of the jug. Superman walked throughout the car, holding out his jug for donations. When
he finished, he went over and stood at the car door. Billy said, “Look at him standing by the door.”
Mom said, “So? He’s waiting for the next station.” Billy said, “Mom, do you know what the real
Superman would do? He’d open the door with just one pinky and fly to the next station!”
[3.8, 82.1, 0%, 8.3, 150]
 555. A Shot in the Dark
Chris was seated in the theater. Nobody was near him. “Reservoir Dogs 2” was about to start.
As usual, there were few moviegoers at the 12:20 matinee. Chris liked it like that. The lights went
down. The previews began. Minutes later, a man and woman sat down in the seats right in front of
Chris. He moved a few seats to his left. Then he heard a phone ring. The man started talking on his
phone. Chris said, “Would you please take your phone conversation outside? I’m trying to watch a
movie.” The man looked at Chris. He snarled, “Go sit somewhere else, old man.” He threw a full
bag of popcorn at Chris. The man resumed talking on his phone. Chris shot the man in the head.
Later, Chris told a detective, “I was just trying to watch a movie. He was rude. I gave him a wake-
up call.”
[2.0, 92.9, 0%, 7.1, 150]

556. The Electric Shaver Savior

His reliable Remington XLR3000 shaver died. It was 10 years old. The rechargeable battery
wouldn’t hold a charge. He ordered a new battery online. The instructions that came with it said a
soldering iron was necessary. He’d never used one before. He bought one cheap at RadioHut. The
battery instructions didn’t tell him how to open the shaver case. It looked bulletproof. He didn’t
want to damage the shaver trying to open it. So he let everything sit in his desk drawer—for almost
a year. Finally, he decided to take a chance. Working ever so carefully, he managed to pry the
shaver apart, solder the new battery into place, and reassemble the shaver. After charging it
overnight, he turned it on. It came to life, roaring like a leaf blower! He grinned. He had done
something that he thought he couldn’t do. And, he had resurrected his old friend.
[5.5, 70.3, 0%, 8.3, 150]

557. I’m Always Here for You…Well, Maybe

The restaurant was nearly empty. Frank, 60, was sitting with his only son. Sam, 30, said, “I did
something really bad. I can’t sleep or think. I’m hoping you can help me.” Frank said, “I’m here for
you, you know that. I always have been, and I always will be. What do you mean by ‘bad’? You
didn’t murder anyone, did you?” Sam said, “No, but this isn’t much better. I can’t even bring
myself to say it out loud. Can I just write it down?” Frank said, “Of course, Son.” Sam wrote
something on a piece of paper and passed it over. His dad read it. He said angrily, “Tell me this
isn’t true.” Sam put his face in his hands. Frank crushed the paper into a ball. He smashed it with
his fist. He said, “This would kill your mother. You’re no son of mine.” Frank stormed out.
[1.3, 97.9, 0%, 6.8, 150]

558. Bake It Black

He asked his wife what she’d like for Christmas. She said, “Cook me a nice dinner.” He said,
“You know I’m a terrible cook. Let’s just go out.” She said, “No. Making something shows more
love than buying something.” On Christmas Day, he read the instructions for cooking a rack of
lamb. He cooked it for 20 minutes. Then he stuck a meat thermometer into it. The thermometer said
180 degrees—very well done. That was fast, he thought. He took the lamb out of the oven. He cut
into it. The meat was almost raw. He returned it to the oven. I’ll give it another 30 minutes, he
thought. Thirty minutes later, he smelled something burning. The lamb was toast. He told his wife,
“I’m sorry. Next year I’ll do it right. I learn from my mistakes.” She said, “So do I. Today—and
next year—we’re going out.”
[2.5, 88.6, 0%, 6.5, 150]

559. If They’re Old, They’re Dirty

Near a Brooklyn child care center, two women were standing with ten boys and girls. William
was on his way to work. The children were silently standing in line at the corner, waiting for the
light. They were about four years old. Each of them was holding onto a red rope. The woman at the
front of the line held onto one end of the rope. The woman at the back of the line held onto the
other end of the rope. The kids look so cute, William thought. He considered taking a picture of
them. He’d send it to the local paper. The young woman at the back of the line was looking at him
looking at them. “Don’t you have somewhere to be, Grandpa?” she asked. He said, “Excuse me?”
She said, “If you don’t move away from these kids right now, I’m going to call the police.”
[3.4, 94.6, 0%, 10.7,150]

560. You Talking to Me?

The half-empty Q train headed south to Coney Island. Afternoon sunlight flooded the cars. A
man walked over to a west-side door and stood at attention. His face was just inches from the
glass. Seated nearby, Maria looked at him. He was about 30, clean-shaven, and neatly dressed. He
started talking to his reflection, loud enough for all to hear. He had a foreign accent. He said, “Do
you have something to say? You think too much. That’s not good. The rest you know. Don’t mention
it. There’s an unlimited supply of truth. Truth is harsh medicine that sets you free. Do you
understand, you clown? Or should I say, you clone of a clown? I never steal. I never steal in my
entire life. Your daddy is a liar.” The train stopped. People entered and exited through the east-
side doors. The man kept talking. Maria hurried to another car.
[3.1, 83.9, 0%, 6.2, 150]

561. If You Can’t Trust Your Doctor

On December 28, Jon received an Explanation of Benefits from his health insurer. InsurePlus
said it wasn’t going to pay the $412 for his recent lab work, sent to Labs’R’Us. Jon instantly
wanted to stomp on things. He figured his doctor’s office had sent his lab work to the wrong lab.
He spent the weekend stewing about how insurers, doctors, and labs all work together to fleece
people like him. On Monday he called InsurePlus. The rep said, “Oh, don’t worry about it. Just
call your doctor’s office and have them resubmit the paperwork.” Feeling only partly reassured,
Jon called Labs’R’Us to tell them about the resubmittal. The rep said, “Don’t worry about it. This
happens all the time. Just send us a copy of the Explanation of Benefits. You won’t have to pay a
dime. How’s that for a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year all rolled into one?
[5.6, 74.0, 0%, 10.9, 150]

562. TP Doesn’t Grow on Trees, You Know

Amelia said, “When my brother Bruce gets here, be nice. He’s very sensitive.” George said, “I
won’t say one mean word. How long is he going to stay with us?” She said, “I don’t know. And
don’t you dare ask him. He already feels bad enough about losing his job without you adding to it.
And don’t tell him to turn out the lights or eat less of our food.” George said, “C’mon! I’m not that
cheap.” She rolled her eyes. Although skinny as a rail, Bruce ate like a horse. What bothered
George even more was that, with Bruce in their one-bedroom apartment, they were going through a
roll of toilet paper almost every day. After four weeks, Bruce abruptly left. Amelia asked George,
“Why did Bruce leave? What’d you say to him?” George said, “Nothing. I just asked him—nicely!
—how many squares he used at a time.”
[2.8, 89.5, 0%, 8.3, 150]

563. Can’t Sleep? Meet My Feet!

He had trouble getting to sleep every night. As soon as he closed his eyes, he thought of bad
things he’d done or said in his life. He thought of bad things others had done or said to him. He
tried to think of pleasant things. But no sooner would he picture chocolate ice cream than it would
change into a snarling supervisor. He complained to his wife about it. She said, “I never have that
problem. Every day I get up early. Every night I come home late. I sleep like a baby.” He said,
“So? What’s that got to do with my problem?” She said, “So, you’re not tired enough when you go
to bed. You haven’t worked hard enough during the day. Would you like to hear my solution?” He
said, “Uh, okay.” She said, “Massage my aching feet every night! Don’t stop until you fall asleep!”
[2.6, 91.2, 0, 8.3, 150]

564. Laundry Watch

His alarm went off. He finished the last bite of his sandwich. He washed it down with half a
can of root beer. He went downstairs to the laundry room. He walked over to washer number
seven. A woman was putting her clothes into “his” washer. He was startled. He looked around. He
saw his clothes in a nearby laundry room basket. His temperature rose. He hated the thought of
someone else’s hands on his washed clothes. He said, “My clothes were in this washer. You
couldn’t have waited another minute? Try using a little patience, will you?” She said, “I did try. I
tried until the washer shut off. Then I stopped trying.” He said, “Well, you’re not being very
considerate.” She said, “Not considerate? Hello, Mr. Pot! Who’s the one that’s not considerate?
You should’ve been down here when the washer shut off. That would have been considerate!”
[2.7, 86.8, 0, 6.5, 150]

565. Clock Me Out, Please

Bonnie said, “Clyde, would you do me a favor, please? I have to take my son to the emergency
room. He just called me from home. He’s got a really bad stomachache. I only have one more hour
to work, but I can’t afford to lose even one hour. Nobody will notice that I’m leaving early. Could
you please clock me out at 5 p.m.?” Clyde said, “Are you sure nobody will notice? I don’t want to
get into trouble.” Bonnie assured him. He said okay. She thanked him. The next morning, Cher
called Clyde into her office. She said, “What were you thinking? You know you can’t clock
someone else out. I’m docking you and Bonnie a day’s pay each.” At lunchtime, Bonnie said,
“Clyde, I’m so sorry! I promise I’ll pay you back.” Clyde said, “Forget it. It was right to help you,
but it was also wrong.”
[2.2, 92.6, 0, 7.5, 150]

566. Even Steven

The questionnaire asked if he had ever smoked or drunk. If so, how much and for how long. He
wrote down, “A pack a day and at least a six-pack a day for 30 years.” He thought about those 30
years. What a waste. A waste of his money. A waste of his lungs. A waste of his mind. The
secretary finally called his name. He waited in the doctor’s office. She came in and looked at the
questionnaire. She asked, “Are you still smoking and drinking this much?” He said, “No, I quit
both about ten years ago.” She asked, “Did you use a nicotine patch or go to Alcoholics
Anonymous?” He said, “No. I just quit.” She said, “You had to be very strong to quit just like that.”
He said, “Yes, but I had to be very weak to get hooked in the first place, didn’t I?”
[1.9, 95.7, 0, 8.3, 150]

567. Counter Offensive

He was at Home Depot on 23rd Street. It was 9 a.m. The checker was young and pretty. She
yawned. It was a big yawn. She didn’t bother to cover her mouth. He saw no fillings. He said,
“Ready to go back to bed?” She looked at him and said, “Excuse me?” He faked a yawn, covering
his mouth. He was trying to be amusing. She wasn’t smiling. He gave her some items to ring up.
She rang them up. He paid for them. She put the items into two plastic bags. He started taking the
receipts out of the bags. He was going to put them in his wallet. She said, “Next.” He said,
“‘Next’? Do you see me? I’m still standing here. Why are you calling ‘next’? Where’s ‘next’ going
to stand? There’s no room for two customers at this counter.” She looked at him. She repeated,
“Next!”
[0.8, 99.1, 0, 5.5, 150]

568. Soap Suds and Clean Duds

They called him the Nanny Mayor. He banned smoking in public buildings and city parks. He
vowed to ban the sale of supersized soft drinks. If he’d had another 12 years as mayor, he might
have turned NYC into the world’s biggest health club and resort. His final act was to help the
thousands of NYC homeless persons. He called it Shower Power. He signed a law requiring
weekly showers for all homeless persons. He said, “This will take care of three problems. One,
we won’t have any more empty subway cars with just one homeless person riding in them. Two,
homeless people will be able to feel like human beings again after long, hot showers. And, of
course, we’ll wash and dry all their laundry for them. They’ll get their dignity and self-respect
back. And three, they’ll feel so good about themselves that they might even find themselves jobs!”
[4.9, 80.0, 0, 11.5, 150]

569. A Gift for Sale

When Bella graduated from college, her dad surprised her with a new Honda. Three years
later, Bella got married. As a first anniversary gift, her husband gave her a new Cadillac. A few
months later, her dad said, “Your sister Lily just got her driving permit. If you give me back the
Honda, I’ll give it to Lily. Then I’ll give her a new car when she graduates from college.” Bella
asked, “Well, how much are you going to give me for my Honda?” Her dad said, “Give you? You
mean pay you for a car that I’m going to give your sister?” Bella said, “Yes, Daddy. Remember,
you didn’t lend me the Honda. You gave it to me. I’ll bet it’s worth $5,000.” He said, “Let me think
about this.” That evening he told his wife, “I don’t know whether to be mad at her or proud of her.”
[3.4, 88.3, 0, 10.0, 150]

570. Dinner and a Movie

Don and his fiancée Tess were visiting his son Harvey in Brooklyn. Don and Harvey hadn’t
seen each other in years. Harvey had invited them to an Italian restaurant. Harvey waited for them
outside the restaurant. When Don and Tess arrived, father and son hugged for a long moment. “It’s
so good to see you,” Don said. They went inside. Don said, “Oh, I love the smell of this place. If
the food tastes half as good as it smells, I’ll be in heaven.” Harvey said, “Well, I’ve never eaten
here, but some friends recommended it.” The meal was every bit as good as it smelled. They left
the restaurant. They stood outside and talked about which movie to go see. Suddenly, Don
grimaced. He started to collapse. Harvey caught him. Tess helped Harvey lower Don to the
sidewalk. He died in a hospital later that night. He was 55.
 [3.5, 83.7, 0, 7.8, 150]

571. Doctor, Heel Thyself

Marty was in a waiting room at the foot clinic. It was his first visit with Dr. Bunyan. A man
entered the room. He was wearing jeans and a green, short-sleeve scrubs shirt. The name of the
clinic was on the shirt. The man smiled broadly and said, “What can I do for you today?” Marty
thought, Well, for starters, you could introduce yourself. He said, “And your name is?” The man
looked surprised. His smile disappeared. He said, “I’m Dr. Bunyan.” He’d pushed the Off button
for Charm and pushed the On button for Condescend to Elderly Patients. He answered many of
Marty’s questions by beginning with the words, “I said.” Finally, Marty said, “Would you please
stop talking down to me? My age may be 60, but my IQ isn’t.” The doctor chuckled. He said,
“You’re right. I’m sorry. We got off on the wrong foot, didn’t we?”
[2.5, 90.5, 0%, 7.8, 150]

572. We All Scream for…Gelato!

Lucy said, “Let me treat you to some ice cream. I just discovered a great shop at Columbus
Circle. It’s called Grom.” After they entered the shop, Tyler said, “All I see are ‘gelato’ signs. I
don’t see any ‘ice cream’ signs.” Lucy said, “Well, gelato is like ice cream, only better.” Tyler
grinned. Six people were in line. Only one worker was serving the customers. The other worker
was busy doing something in the back. More customers got in line. Finally, Lucy and Tyler got to
the front of the line. Lucy ordered vanilla, chocolate, and caramel. The worker put three scoops
into a large cup. He said, “That’ll be $8.25.” Just then, an old man strode up to the counter. He
said loudly, “Hey! What’re you doing back there? Get up here and help! You think I like standing in
line? I’m a New Yorker, not a tourist!”
[3.3, 83.9, 0%, 7.1, 150]

573. Who’s the Boss of You?

Lauren called Humphrey. They had divorced amicably several years ago. She still phoned him
from time to time. After saying hello, Humphrey said, “You’re not going to like this, but I’ve got to
tell you something. I’m getting married again. However, my fiancée’s a big believer in Out with the
Old. So, I promised her I’d throw out all your pictures. I promised her I’d throw out my old
wedding ring. And I promised her I wouldn’t talk to you anymore.” Lauren said, “You promised,
but you didn’t do, right?” Humphrey said, “Oh yes, I did do! She watched me shred all your
photos. We went to Pier 17, and she watched me throw the ring into the East River. Now, regarding
my third promise, I’m sorry, but I’ve got to hang up. Please, don’t ever call me again.” Lauren
screamed, “You’re a—!” just before Humphrey hung up.
[3.7, 84.8, 0%, 9.2, 150]
 574. Ten Big One$ in the Big Apple
His wife asked, “Can I borrow $10,000? I’ll pay you back at the end of next week.” He said,
“Sure. Tell me your checking account number and your routing number.” She said, “No. I don’t
trust the banks. What if they get one number wrong, and transfer the money to someone else’s
account? Just give me the cash, and I’ll deposit it myself in my account.” He said okay. Then he
started worrying. Ten thousand dollars was a lot of money. New York City had a lot of criminals.
What if one of them saw him withdrawing the money from the bank? He needed protection. He
found it at a Salvation Army thrift shop. The next day he was about to leave the apartment for the
bank. His wife asked, “Since when do you use a wooden cane?” He said, “To you, it’s a cane. To
thieves, it’s a heads-up.”
[2.8, 88.8, 0%, 7.8, 150]

575. Spidey Scales Spire of 1WTC

They said it was impenetrable. They said it was more secure than the Fortress of Solitude.
They said even cockroaches would need to show IDs. However, 16-year-old Justin said, “It was a
piece of cake.” “It” was the nearly finished One World Trade Center. At 4:10 a.m. one Sunday,
Justin climbed through a tiny hole in a perimeter fence. He climbed up scaffolding and entered the
building on the sixth floor. A clueless elevator operator took him up to the 88th floor. Then he
walked up the staircase to the 104th floor. He snuck past a sleeping security guard and made it to
the rooftop. His GoPro camera recorded the view. A construction worker caught him as he was
leaving the building about 6 a.m. A Porthole Authority official said, “Of course our security staff
saw him. They simply ignored him. They’re trained to protect against terrorists, not hyperactive
teenagers.”
[6.5, 66.0, 0%, 10.0, 150]

576. A Kiss Is Just a Kiss

Lonny and Linda were in the second grade. One morning, Lonny walked Linda to her
classroom. Linda asked, “Will you kiss my hand like they do in the movies?” Lonny said, “Okay, I
guess.” She held out her hand. He kissed it. Linda’s teacher, Miss Jones, saw the kiss. She said,
“Come with me, young man.” She took Lonny to the principal’s office. After listening to Miss
Jones, the principal called Lonny’s mom. The principal said, “We have to suspend Lonny because
of sexual harassment.” Lonny’s mom picked him up. On the way home, she told Lonny that hand
kissing was sexual harassment. At home, Lonny’s younger brother Billy asked, “Why aren’t you in
school?” Lonny said, “They sent me home because of sexual harassment.” Billy asked, “What’s
that?” Lonny said, “That’s when you kiss a girl on her hand.” Billy said, “Ew! You shouldn’t ever
kiss a girl anywhere!”
 [3.4, 84.3, 0%, 7.8, 150]

577. The Paper Chase

The teacher walked into one of the school’s two computer labs. He pulled out the paper tray of
the printer. As usual, it was empty. He checked the printer tray in the other lab. It was empty. He
went to the front desk. As usual, Amanda was busy answering phone calls. Five minutes later, she
handed him some paper. He put the paper into the printer tray. He sat down at a computer. A young,
pretty student walked into the room. She smiled at him and said something. Unsure of what she had
said, he smiled and nodded. She walked over to the printer. She removed the paper and started
walking out of the room. He said, “Excuse me. What are you doing?” She said, “Huh? I’m taking
the paper. You said I could.” He said, “Oh. Yes. I did.” She smiled and left. He returned to the
front desk.
[1.9, 91.8, 0%, 6.0, 150]

578. Time Waits for—This Baby

She entered the car of the northbound Q train. She looked to be about 40. Her voice filled the
entire car. It was raspy, like the voice of a heavy smoker. She said, “Can I have your attention for a
second, please? I’m really sorry to bother you. I know you all are hard workers. My name is
Virginia. I’m broke and I’m hungry. I don’t have a job. I don’t have a nickel to my name. I’m four
months pregnant. I need to feed myself and my baby. I’d appreciate anything you can do to help,
even if it’s only loose change. Can anyone help me out? Can anyone help a pregnant woman? Can
anyone help a pregnant mother?” Herman whispered to his friend, “I think she belongs in the
medical books. I’ve seen her at least three times in the last six months. She’s ALWAYS four months
pregnant.”
[2.5, 90.3, 0%, 7.5, 150]

579. Life of Pi
The DVD arrived from Netflix. He put it in the DVD player. The movie was about a
shipwrecked boy, alone on a lifeboat with a hungry tiger. The movie started. After a few minutes,
his wife said, “I don’t want to watch any more.” He said, “What do you mean? It just started! You
already don’t like it? Look at that beautiful scenery! Be patient, will you, for just a few more
minutes.” She said, “I’ve already been patient. I already know that I don’t want to watch this
movie. They’re speaking with an Indian accent. If I listen too long, I might pick up that accent. It’s
bad enough that people don’t understand my Chinese accent. How bad will it be if I start speaking
with a Chinese AND Indian accent? Then maybe even you won’t understand me.” He said, “That’s
not a problem. I already don’t understand you.”
[3.7, 82.0, 0%, 7.8, 150]
 580. Words of Love from His Wife
“Do you know how much I love you?” she asked. He said, “Yes, I think I do. If a truck were
about to run me over, you would risk your own life to save mine. Am I correct?” She said, “Yes,
you are. I would give my life to save yours, even though I know you wouldn’t do the same for me.
As long as we are alive, I will always think of you first, no matter how rich or poor we may be. If
we are down to our last piece of bread, I will give you half. If we are down to our last piece of
meat, I will give you half. There is only one thing that I won’t give you half of.” He asked,
“Really? There’s something you won’t give me half of? What’s that?” She said, “My heart. You’ll
always have all of my heart.”
[1.1, 100, 0%, 10.0, 150]

581. Asking Will Make Her “Nupset”

Tom said, “I think I’m going to ask Marlene to sign a pre-nup before we get married.” His
friend Eli said, “You’re kidding, right? You might as well just call off the wedding. A pre-nup tells
her that you’d rather keep your money than keep her. A pre-nup tells her that you don’t trust her.
Has anyone close to you ever told you that they don’t trust you? That’s a terrible thing to hear. If
you’re lucky, she’ll refuse to sign it and dump you immediately. If you’re unlucky, she’ll sign it and
pretend to love you until she gets tired of pretending. Then, she’ll dump you. Put yourself in her
shoes. How would you feel if she were wealthy and asked you to sign one?” Tom said, “It
wouldn’t bother me. She’d be doing the right thing, the common sense thing.” Eli said, “Then you
don’t really love her.”
[2.9, 91.7, 0%, 10.0, 150]

582. Sucko Lotto

Franklin crumpled his lottery ticket. “Another loser,” he said, as he tossed it into the trashcan.
His wife Eleanor said, “Talk about the pot calling the kettle black. You should have brains enough
not to play that stupid game in the first place. Everyone knows that you have a better chance of
getting struck by lightning than winning the lottery. But the TV commercials never show us people
getting struck by lightning. They just show us actors pretending to be million-dollar winners.”
Franklin said, “Yes, the odds are ridiculous. But it’s the only game in town. They should make it
fairer for us players. They should distribute more winnings to more people. I mean, why give $400
million to only one winner? They should give $400 million to 400 winners. More people would
play if they knew their chances were 400 times better.” Eleanor said, “Humph! You still wouldn’t
win.”
[5.2, 73.8, 0%, 9.3, 150]
 583. What’s in a (File) Name?
He looked for his glasses. Then he looked for his floss. Then he looked for his keys. He had to
rummage through twenty things to find just one thing. Enough was enough. He went into his lab.
Weeks later, he’d perfected “The Maker.” The Maker could make physical items disappear and
then reappear. It took a “picture” of an item. The picture recorded the characteristics of the item
and made them part of My Items folder. Then he simply gave the item a file name. When he pushed
the Maker’s “D” button, the item disappeared. To make it reappear, he simply typed the file name
and pushed the “R” button. He felt jubilant as he disappeared dozens of items from his desk. But
later, seeing his long face, his wife asked, “What’s wrong?” He said, “I’ve only been able to
reappear four items, because I can’t remember the file names.”
[3.9, 83.3, 0%, 9.3, 150]

584. Everything Everywhere Is a Story

Myra said, “Daddy, tell me a story.” Daddy began, “A long time ago there was a pretty little
girl named Myra.” Myra loved listening to her daddy’s bedtime stories. Every night he told her a
new story. One night after telling her a story, her daddy developed a sore throat. The next night, he
handed Myra a note. The note said, “I can’t talk. But the doctor said that my voice will come back
if you tell me a story every night.” Myra said, “But, Daddy, I don’t know any stories. You know all
the stories.” Daddy wrote, “No, honey. Everybody knows stories. Everybody has stories. Stories
are everywhere. They are around us, and they are within us. So, tell me a story.” Myra said, “Okay,
Daddy, I’ll try. A long time ago there was a man named Daddy. He had a beautiful, smart, talented,
funny little girl named Myra.”
[4.4, 76.9, 0, 7.8, 150]

585. It Fires Banana Seeds

Cheryl was going through security at LAX. Her personal things were in the dirty, gray plastic
tray. Among them was her cowboy sock monkey. It was wearing a tiny ten-gallon hat and a belt
with a holster. Inside the holster was a bright red, solid plastic gun. It was two inches long. A
sharp-eyed TSA agent removed the gun from the holster. Holding the gun up, he asked, “Do you
know what this is?” Cheryl said, “Yes, isn’t it cute? It’s my monkey’s toy gun.” He said, “I’m
sorry. This may be a ‘toy gun’ to you, but it’s a weapon for terrorism to professionals like me. You
could point this at your flight attendant or pilot and hijack your plane to Cuba.” She said, “But my
boyfriend’s in Brooklyn!” He said, “Whatever. This firearm stays here with me. Don’t ever try this
little stunt again. We’ll be watching you.”
[3.3, 86.1, 0%, 8.3, 150]
 586. Plane Lost, Blame Found
They were waiting at the airport for Flight 270. Lydia said, “I’m so excited. We haven’t seen
Mom and Dad in ages.” Her brother Brook said, “Yes, but I still wish you hadn’t bought them
tickets. They both hate flying. I told you we should’ve flown to visit them, but you ignored me.”
Lydia said, “C’mon. They’ll enjoy seeing this city again. It’s changed so much since they were kids
here. Then they can return home and just stay there for the rest of their lives. In the future, I
promise, we’ll do the flying.” The flight schedule board changed. Flight 270 was no longer on
time. It was delayed. An hour later, it was still delayed. Brook and Lydia waited and worried.
Then a news report said that Flight 270 wasn’t delayed, but missing. No wreckage was ever found.
Silently, Brook never ceased blaming Lydia for their parents’ death.
[3.1, 86.5, 0%, 7.8, 150]

587. A Family That Shops Together

Hayley was at the 99 Cents store. It was crowded. There were ten registers. There were ten
lines. At least five customers were in each line. Hayley saw a young woman who was holding only
one item in her hand. Well, at least she won’t slow down the line, Hayley thought. She got in line
behind the woman. Hayley looked at other lines, to see which one she should have gotten into. She
kept looking at her watch. She was now third in line. Then something odd happened. The woman in
front of her said, “Mom, come over here.” Her mom was in the adjacent line, but she was behind
five customers. She started pushing her cart toward her daughter. Hayley looked at the jam-packed
cart. She said, “Oh, no, you don’t. You’re in that line. You stay in that line. You’re not cutting in
line in front of me.”
[2.2, 92.6, 0%, 7.5, 150]

588. Your Dime, Your Whine

Brandon’s mom said, “It seemed like his only joy in life was finding fault. He loved to
complain.” His first girlfriend said, “At first, he seemed normal. But the more we were together,
the more he complained. Finally, I couldn’t take it anymore.” Girlfriend after girlfriend left him.
The frequent breakups gave him plenty of time to think. And the more he thought, the more he
realized that it wasn’t just him—everyone complains. Everywhere he went, he heard people
complaining—about everything. Maybe there was money in complaining. He set up a website and
an 888-COMPLAIN call center. For a dollar a minute, people could complain their hearts out.
Unlike in real life, the hired listeners actually listened. They actually cared. They actually
sympathized. Complainers were delighted. The people who used to have to listen to the
complainers were delighted. So was Brandon, the former complainer—and new millionaire.
[5.2, 72.2, 0%, 8.3, 150]
 589. The Big Apple Gets Its Apple
The new mayor of New York City said, “Everybody knows New York City is the Big Apple.
But that’s a problem. We are the Big Apple, but we don’t have a Big Apple. We have a Big Bull.
Thousands of people visit the Charging Bull downtown every day. They hug it and kiss it. They sit
on it. They take pictures of it. People will do the same thing if we have a Big Apple.” Artists
worldwide submitted their ideas to the mayor’s office. The mayor presented his five favorite ideas
to New Yorkers. They voted for their favorite. A year later, Mademoiselle Gaga la Pomme
installed a beautiful, gold-plated apple in Times Square. Five feet tall, it was a huge hit with
tourists and natives. They kissed it. They hugged it. They sat on it. They photographed it. They
loved it. Finally, the Big Apple had what it was.
[3.5, 83.0, 0%, 7.5, 150]

590. Ma and Pa Drive to NYC

His mom called. “Dad and I are coming to see you. We’re going to drive.” Jordan said,
“Drive? Are you crazy? You’re both 86 years old. It’s 1,500 miles from there to here. Maybe
you’ll be okay on the freeways, if Dad doesn’t fall asleep while he’s driving. But then, what’re you
going to do when you get into New York City? The last time you two were here, there were more
horses on the streets than there were cars. Now, there’s a thousand street signs pointing a thousand
different ways saying a thousand different things. You’ll both have heart attacks—Dad from going
around in circles, and you from yelling at him to stop going around in circles. Why not just fly?”
Mom said, “You know very well why not. When I die, I want to go to heaven from the ground, not
from heaven above into the ground.”
[3.1, 90.0, 0%, 10.0, 150]
 591. THE GRASS IS ALWAYS GREENER

LORRAINE SAID, “DADDY, I WISH I was through with school. Through with taking the school
bus every morning, listening to teachers every day, doing homework every night. I can’t wait till
I’m a grownup. Till I have my own place. Drive my own car. Watch TV or DVDs every night. Go
out to clubs.” Her dad said, “Be careful what you wish for. Later in life, you’ll probably remember
your school years as some of the best years of your life. Growing up with all your friends. Having
summer vacations every year. Going on school trips with your classmates. Enjoy school while you
can. The working world isn’t all peaches and cream. Right now, you’re looking forward to an
exciting future. In the future, you might be wishing that you were back in school again.” Lorraine
said, “Humph! I’ll never wish that!” Her dad said, “Also, honey, never say never.”
[3.3, 84.8, 0%, 7.8, 150]

592. Ear, Nose, Throat—Feet

It was her first visit to the ENT office. She had a sore throat. There was a big, brown stain on
the elderly doctor’s white coat. She sat on the examining table, next to a big, silver cabinet on
wheels. It had eight drawers. The doctor put on a grimy head mirror. He grabbed two loose exam
gloves lying on the bottom of a messy drawer. She looked around the room, but nowhere did she
see a box of fresh exam gloves. He put on the gloves. He picked up an otoscope. He didn’t wipe
its plastic tip with an alcohol pad. She could feel the dirty tip as he peered into both her ears. He
picked up another instrument. He heated its tip with a paper match. She had never seen a doctor do
this. She wondered, Is this doctor for real? Saying, “Excuse me,” she left the office.
[3.1, 88.4, 0%, 8.8, 150]

593. Too Ugly for Friendship

Curtis told James and his wife Dolley, “You’ll like my brother.” He escorted them into Bo’s
apartment. As he introduced them, Curtis detected a “look” on Bo’s face. After drinks and chatting
awhile, James and Dolley left. Curtis asked Bo, “What was that look on your face when I
introduced them? James is my best friend. It seems like you couldn’t wait for him and Dolley to
leave.” Bo said, “Have you looked at those two? They’re the ugliest couple I’ve ever seen.” Curtis
said, “Ugly? What’s ugly got to do with anything? They’re not ugly. They’re average. I’m sorry
they’re not beauty queens. But I’m more sorry that you think that way. You base relationships on
looks? If someone’s not pretty, they can’t be your friend? I feel sorry for you.” Bo said, “Don’t be
sorry. I have more friends than anyone needs, and they’re all like me—good-looking!”
[3.2, 85.2, 0%, 7.5, 150]
 594. A Cheap NYC Hotel
He told his wife, “Guess what? I found a hotel in midtown Manhattan that’s only $210 a night.
And, they have a room available this weekend. See?—I didn’t have to reserve a room months in
advance for my parents.” She said, “$210 a night? Here in midtown? I hope you haven’t paid for it
yet.” He said, “Yes, even though it’s nonrefundable, I paid for it. I had to get it while it was still
available. What’s to worry about? A room is a room.” She gave him a dirty look. He went back to
the hotel’s website just to dispel her doubts. Later, he said, “Uh, there is one little problem. They
have shared bathrooms. Whoever heard of such a thing?” She said, “That’s not a problem.” He
said, “It’s not?” She said, “No, because you’ll stay in the hotel and your parents will stay here with
me.”
[2.5, 91.0, 0%, 7.8, 150]

595. A Voodoo Doll in His Image

He had problems with his computer. He had problems with his iPhone. He had problems with
his new TV. He had problems at home. He had problems at work. He had problems with his
upstairs neighbor. He had problems with his next-door neighbor. He had problems with his boss.
He had problems with his coworkers. He had problems getting to sleep. He had problems staying
asleep. He muttered to himself, “Life—it’s just one problem after another. They keep coming, like
waves on a beach. It never ends.” His wife said, “Were you talking to me?” He said, “No. I was
just congratulating whoever put this curse on my life. They did a good job. They should be very
proud of themselves. They’ve made my life a swamp full of endless problems and misery.” She
scoffed and said, “The only person who put a curse on your life is you!”
[2.5, 89.6, 0%, 7.1, 150]

596. The Spire Makes It Higher

In 2013, officials ruled that One World Trade Center was the tallest building in the United
States. Harris said, “They said 1WTC is taller than Willis Tower in Chicago. But 1WTC has only
104 floors. Willis Tower has 108 floors.” Mindy asked, “Since when is 104 floors taller than 108
floors? Can’t they count?” Harris said, “1WTC has a spire. They said the spire makes the Trade
Center taller than the tower, which doesn’t have a spire.” Mindy said, “That’s ridiculous. A spire
is like a hat. If I wear a ten-gallon hat, it doesn’t make me taller than you.” Harris said, “They said
the spire is an irremovable part of the Trade Center. It counts when measuring the height. So, if you
glue that hat to your head and wear it everywhere, even to bed and in the shower, those officials
will pronounce you to be taller than I.”
[4.8, 79.2, 0%, 10.7, 150]
 597. Captain Kirk Is in the House
When her son landed his first job, Kelly thought, Finally! She couldn’t wait for Maurice to
move out of her small apartment. The real estate firm gave him salesperson training every morning.
After that, he spent all of his time glued to her computer in the living room. Maurice loved playing
StarTek. In that popular game, each player is the captain of his own space ship. Captains battle evil
aliens throughout the universe. The game has 30 levels. After three years of playing, Maurice had
reached level five. Friday night, Kelly said, “You start work on Monday. Shouldn’t you stop
playing that silly game and start focusing on your real estate job?” Maurice said, “I am focusing on
real estate. I visit moons, planets, and galaxies. That’s all real estate. And I deal with Borgs,
Drogs, and Gloogs. That trains me for dealing with New Yorkers. I’m totally focused, Mom!”
[4.4, 78.8, 0%, 8.8, 150]

598. Back to Square One

He told the worker at Coen’s, “My glasses keep slipping off my nose.” She said, “No
problem.” She took his glasses into the back. She returned. He tried them on. They seemed to fit
better. But days later, he had to take his glasses off almost every hour to relieve the pain. The skin
near his right ear felt raw. The right temple of his glasses was too snug. He went back to Coen’s. A
worker adjusted the glasses. They seemed to fit better. But a few days later, the left temple was
causing the same discomfort near his left ear. He went to a different Coen’s. A worker adjusted the
glasses. They felt comfortable. A few days later, he was talking with his wife. Suddenly, she said,
“Stop that!” He said, “Stop what?” She said, “Stop pushing your glasses back onto your nose. If
they’re slipping, get them adjusted!”
[2.6, 89.0, 0%, 7.1, 150]

599. How to Open a Plastic Produce Bag

He was standing next to the Fuji apples at the market. He tore a plastic bag off the dispenser.
He tried to open it. He rubbed it and pulled it this way and that. He crumpled it up so the top of the
bag was all wrinkled. He tried to pull the two sides apart. They remained sealed together. He
looked around for something wet, so he could moisten his fingers. He saw nothing that looked wet.
He preferred not to spit on his fingertips. He didn’t want to set a bad example. His wife
approached. She said, “Is that bag giving you problems?” He said, “These things are impossible to
open.” She grabbed it. She spit on her fingers. She opened the bag. She said, “Here!” He said, “I
could have done that. But I didn’t want to look gross.” She said, “Instead, to anyone watching, you
looked stupid.”
[2.1, 92.4, 0%, 7.1, 150]
 600. He Offers Them His Seat
Adam got on the same car on the same train at the same time every day. The R train took him to
City Hall every morning. Every morning he saw a well-dressed gentleman on the train. The
gentleman always wore an expensive suit. He always wore polished shoes. He always carried a
newspaper and a briefcase. And, he always gave a woman his seat. Adam admired the gentleman
for doing that. One day he told his wife about the gentleman’s gentlemanly behavior. She said,
“He’s not a gentleman. He’s a selfish jerk. He gives a woman his seat just to show his power over
her. One, he has the seat and she doesn’t. He has something she wants. Two, his ‘gift’ requires a
thank you from her. She’s the grateful beggar, and he’s the good-hearted prince. If he was a true
gentleman, he wouldn’t sit down in the first place!”
[3.9, 82.2, 0%, 8.8, 150]

601. Who Do You Want to Be?

A Dutch man received a brain implant. It fixed his disorder but created a new problem. The
man “became” Johnny Cash, a famous country singer. The man bought a guitar and took lessons. He
bought a completely new wardrobe—all black, including the underwear. He moved to Nashville.
He introduced himself to Cash’s grandchildren. He started recording his own songs. The brain
surgeons were fascinated. They did more implants on more patients. They learned which regions
of the brain triggered which obsessions for which famous people. They began advertising. They
could fulfill people’s dreams. Whoever people wanted to be, they could be. The surgeons created
thousands of wannabe Presleys and Streisands, Burtons and Hepburns, Astaires and Bakers.
Singers, actors, dancers, and other entertainers were the most popular choices. Sometimes, the
surgeons got requests from a wannabe Edison, Einstein, or Pasteur. These and other geniuses were
always offered at 50-percent discounts.
[6.5, 63.2, 5%, 8.3, 150]

602. Cat Attacks Dog Attacks Boy

A young boy was riding his tricycle. Suddenly, a growling dog pulled the boy off his trike. The
boy’s ankle was in the dog’s mouth. A cat came flying out of nowhere. It clawed at the dog’s eyes.
The dog ran away. A surveillance video caught everything. Seymour the cat became an Internet and
a local hero. The local fire department named Seymour “Hero of the Month.” It gave him a plastic,
inscribed fireman’s hat. A scientist asked Seymour’s owner for a sample of Seymour’s DNA. The
scientist isolated Seymour’s “hero” gene. He injected the gene into other animals. From then on,
animal hero stories became commonplace. In England, a cow saved a little girl from a rabid sheep
dog. In Florida, a frog saved an old lady from an alligator. People clamored for their own
injections. The scientist refused, saying, “Nothing should be stronger than a person’s common
sense.”
[5.5, 70.3, 0%, 8.3, 150]

603. Big C Takes Mom’s Sis

Jerry’s brother told him the news. Their only aunt had died two days ago. She was 86. Cancer
had been eating away at her for years. Chemotherapy had helped her live longer, but the extra days
had been miserable ones. The cancer had returned after going into remission. Their aunt was their
mom’s fraternal twin. But their mom was healthy as a horse. Her doctor had never found a hint of
cancer in her body. How could two sisters’ health be so different? Neither of their parents had ever
had cancer. Neither of the sisters had ever smoked. Neither had ever drunk anything stronger than
tea. Their only vice was their love of chocolate. It had to be fate. Upon hearing the news, Jerry’s
first thought was, Good for her—her suffering is over. His second thought was, That’s one less
Christmas card I have to send out every year.
[4.3, 79.4, 0%, 8.8, 150]

604. The Laziest Boy in the World

Once upon a time, there was a lazy boy. His mom made him that way. She never scolded him.
She always cleaned up after him. She always thought, He’ll grow out of it. But when he grew up,
lazy boy didn’t grow out of it. He became lazy man—the laziest man in the world. He started to
lose his hair. When he showered, his hair clogged the drain. He never cleaned the drain. The drain
got so full of hair that the water stayed in the tub. One day, lazy man slipped. His head hit the
shower spout. The tub filled with water. Lazy man drowned. A policeman arrested lazy man’s
mom. He said, “We are charging you with murder. The drain was full of hair. He was too lazy to
clean the drain. You killed your son. You should have spanked him when he was a lazy boy.”
[1.2, 98.6, 0%, 7.1, 150]

605. Work till You Drop

Every day he got up at 7 a.m. Every night he got home at 7 p.m. His job was to help people
find work. He saw about 20 unemployed people every day. He talked to them about taking tests.
He talked to them about going on interviews. He talked to them about using social media. He
talked to them about being confident. He talked to them about being persistent. Every weekend, he
did chores and errands. He vacuumed the apartment. He cleaned the bathroom. He did the laundry.
He went shopping at the supermarket. He walked the dog. One day, he told his wife, “I work all
week. Then I have to work all weekend. What kind of life is this?” She said, “Don’t complain.
Years from now, you might end up like your dad, in a wheelchair. Then, you’ll be looking back at
these as the ‘good old days.’”
[2.6, 88.4, 0%, 7.1, 150]
 606. Train Surfers Need More Training
He said, “I’ve done some dumb things in my life.” His wife said, “You sure have. But at least
you didn’t kill yourself or anyone else. You did break your leg riding that motorcycle. But that was
God’s wake-up call. It made you stop riding bikes. That broken leg probably saved your life.” He
said, “Yes, I got a second chance. I was lucky. Some people don’t get second chances. I just read
about a train surfer. He was lying on top of the 6 train in the Bronx. His head hit a steel beam or
something. He died instantly.” She said, “Some kids are so dumb, like the ones who wear their
pants below their butts. But at least they don’t get killed by steel beams.” He said, “This wasn’t
some dumb kid. It was a 46-year-old man!” She said, “46?! That wasn’t his age—it was his IQ!”
[1.2, 99.4, 0%, 7.5, 150]

607. The Metro Card with Feet

Ernie entered the classroom. One student was already there. Todd was a model student. He got
along well with the other students. He always volunteered to help the teachers carry books or
clean the board. After greeting Todd, Ernie put his briefcase on his desk. Todd was sitting right
next to the desk. Ernie took his Senior Citizen Metro card out of his shirt pocket. He put it on the
desk next to his briefcase. He hung his jacket on the hook near the door. When he returned to the
desk, his Metro card was gone. He picked up his briefcase. He looked all around the desk and the
floor. He checked his shirt pocket again. He even checked his wallet. He said to Todd, “What
happened to my Metro card? Did you see it? It was right here.” Todd looked right into Ernie’s eyes
and said, “What Metro card?”
[2.7, 89.4, 0%, 7.8, 150]

608. Free Lunches for All!

The New York City Council voted to give all public school kids free lunches every day. The
bill added only $24 million to the city budget. A council member said, “If all the kids get free
lunches, then the poorer kids won’t feel stigmatized. They won’t feel ‘marked’ as ‘poor and
needy.’” The governor of New York objected. He said, “You can’t have everything. Isn’t it enough
that hungry students get a free lunch? Now the council wants a stigma-free free lunch? What’s to
complain about? Free food is free food. If we start giving free lunches to all, next the council will
demand free food stamps for all. Then free Medicare for all. Where will it all end? Who’s going to
pay for these stigma-free freebies?” The mayor signed the bill. The following week, some better-
off kids made a show of dumping their free lunches into the cafeteria trashcans.
[4.5, 79.4, 0%, 9.3, 150]
 609. Grandpa and His Legacy
His wife asked, “What are you doing?” He said, “I’m writing my autobiography. I want my
grandchildren and great-grandchildren to remember me. My story will be my legacy to them.” She
said, “Excuse me. Do you remember even one of your great-grandparents? Do you know their
stories? The last people who will remember you are your grandchildren. They might read your
autobiography. They might read it to their children. But after that, your ‘legacy’ will collect dust on
some bookshelf. In fact, after our children and grandchildren die, nobody will even visit our
graves.” He said, “I can live with that. But I’m writing this so they know about my struggles. They
should know their own heritage. And I’m an important part of their heritage. After all, without me,
they wouldn’t be here.” She said, “Believe me, the only ‘legacy’ they’ll care about is this beautiful
house that we own.”
[4.6, 76.5, 0%, 8.3, 150]

610. Gigabytes That Takeabyte

Ruth called Earthblink. The representative said, “One month of Internet is only $24.95. There’s
no contract. We send you a modem. Just plug it in. You don’t even need a router. You get one
gigabyte of data transfer per month.” She said, “Is that enough to watch TV online?” The rep said,
“Sure. Watching TV will be no problem.” She asked, “Well, how much data ‘transfers’ during a
half-hour TV show?” The rep said, “It varies with each show.” She went online while she was
still on the phone. She said, “It says online that 30 minutes of TV equals about 250 megabytes. So,
if I watch TV for just two hours, I use up a whole gigabyte. That’s ridiculous. I want to watch TV
at least two hours every night, not two hours every month!” The rep said, “No problem! You can
buy extra gigabytes for only $9.95 each.”
[3.8, 81.5, 0%, 7.8, 150]

611. Bridge Jumpers vs. Track Jumpers

More than 1,400 people have jumped to their deaths off the Golden Gate Bridge. San
Francisco officials voted to install a net under it. The stainless steel net will cost $76 million. It
will extend 20 feet on each side under the bridge. Dave said to his wife, “A net made out of
stainless steel?! Who wants to land on steel? How many people are going to break their necks
landing on that thing? I’ve got a better idea—cheaper, too. Just add water softener to San
Francisco Bay. And what about suicides here in New York City? Every year, at least 20 people
jump onto the tracks in front of a subway train. They’re the ones needing a net. Just fasten a 100-
foot long, cotton net to the front of each train. The jumpers will land in the net. They’ll have a soft
landing and, hopefully, a new beginning.”
[4.4, 81.2, 0%, 10.0, 150]
 612. All Devices Should Beep Loudly Constantly
He called the 800 number. Michelle answered. She asked for his first name. He asked why.
She said to better help him. She asked for his last name. He asked why. She gave him the same
answer. She asked for his phone number and email address. She asked why he had called customer
support. He said, “My new Restinghouse microwave beeps too loud and too often. I feel like I’m
living in a warehouse full of forklifts forever backing up.” Michelle said, “Poor baby.” She said
tech support wasn’t available at the moment. But she could set up an appointment. He asked, “An
appointment? Are they coming to my apartment?” Michelle said, “No, silly. They don’t have your
address. The appointment’s for a technician to call you. Will 3:30 this Thursday be okay?” He
said, “Sure, 3:30 will be fine. That’s when I’ll tell him that I’ve already returned it.”
[3.2, 83.4, 0%, 6.5, 150]

613. 2,4,8,16, 32… = A Whole New You!

He sliced a tiny bit of callused skin off the ball of his foot. He dropped the skin into a jar. He
poured a special liquid into the jar. The skin dissolved in the liquid. The walls of each skin cell
broke down. Then the cells started to divide and multiply. He put the jar on the window sill. He
added liquid vitamins and minerals to the jar every day. He waited. After two weeks, he saw a
clump of new cells. After two months, he couldn’t believe what he saw. It was a toe. It was an
exact copy of his right little toe. He showed it to his wife. She said, “That’s disgusting.” He said,
“No, that’s my toe.” He bought an aquarium. He put the toe into the aquarium. His wife said, “If
that toe grows into a foot, either it takes a hike or I do.”
[0.8, 100, 0%, 8.0, 150]

614. Oh, to Have a Plump Rump

He got on the northbound Q train. It was crowded and noisy. No seats were available. The
annual Coney Island Mermaid Parade had just ended. Many happy parade-goers were heading
home. A few stops later, one seat became available. A young lady sat down. Then she noticed him.
Standing up, she said, “You can have this seat, sir.” He had two choices. He could stand, although
he was tired, or he could sit. If he sat, his butt would be sitting on the hard plastic subway seat.
Unlike many butts, his had little padding. His was mostly bone. Bone and hard plastic are not
exactly made for each other. For him, sitting on a subway seat was like walking with a pebble in
each shoe. A subway seat was not smooth colored plastic but a pile of jagged rocks. He smiled at
the woman and said, “No, but thank you.”
[3.0, 87.8, 0%, 8.3, 150]

615. The Inker That Tinkered

A tattoo artist was bored with his job. “It’s the same old skin every day,” Leon told his wife.
She said, “Well, maybe you should find another job.” He said, “No, I like my job. I just want to
spice it up a bit.” She said, “Maybe you should find new customers. Check out the churches. Start
tattooing deacons and ministers. Start tattooing baptized babies.” He said, “Been there, done that.”
She said, “Maybe you should start tattooing body parts you’ve never tattooed before.” He said,
“No, I’ve tattooed every part of the human body.” She said, “How about different colors? Have
you used every color in the rainbow? Every color not in the rainbow? Have you used pastels?” He
kissed her and said, “Thank you!” After much experimenting with old and new inks, he hung a new
sign outside his shop—“Neon by Leon! Tats That Glow after Dark!”
[3.5, 83.7, 0%, 7.8, 150]

616. She Never Knew What Didn’t Hit Her

A young woman fell off the subway platform at 28th Street late one night. She was drunk as a
skunk. Was she an alcoholic? Had she been partying? Had she been drowning her sorrows?
Somehow, she ended up in the middle of the track between the rails. She just lay there, passed out.
She remained that way as one, then another, and yet another N train ran over her. The motormen of
the three N trains didn’t realize she was a person. All they saw was a bag of trash. Fortunately, a
man on the almost empty platform realized that the “trash” was actually a human being. He called
911. He said, “The signs around here say, ‘If you see something, say something.’ I saw something,
but I still don’t believe it.” Medics took her to Bellevue Hospital. She was still passed out upon
arriving there. Her injuries were minor.
[3.9, 82.2, 0%, 8.8, 150]

617. Don’t Do Anything except Drive

While driving in Queens Friday morning, Joseph heard his cell phone ring. He reached over to
the passenger seat. The phone wasn’t there. He looked for it. He saw it on the passenger
floorboard. It rang again. He reached down to pick it up. He took his eyes off the road for just a
second. He retrieved the phone just in time to see brake lights right in front of him. The crash
triggered the airbag. When it slammed into his face, he bit his tongue. Dazed, he remained in his
car. Police and ambulances arrived. Joseph’s wife brought him home from the hospital that
afternoon. His face was swollen. His head throbbed. Because of his injured tongue, he could eat
only soup. He hurt so much that he slept in fits and starts for five nights. He promised his wife,
“I’ll never use the phone in my car again.”
[2.0, 94.4, 0%, 7.8, 150]

618. What’s a 3-Letter Word for “Cool”?

Carl said, “I’ve spent the last two years sweltering in my tiny office. People are always
adjusting the thermostat upward. It’s in the next room. They raise the temperature. I go in there and
lower it. They turn it up again. I’ve asked the boss to put a locked case on the thermostat. Also, I
learned that half the tubing for the ceiling vent in here is disconnected. Every six months or so, the
HVAC guy comes by. I tell him about this problem. He always says he’s going to fix it. Then I don’t
see him again for another six months. I sweat all winter. I sweat all summer. It’s ridiculous!”
Yolanda said, “Have you ever considered this fancy new technology they just invented? It’s only
about $25, but it cools a room very well.” Carl asked, “Really? Only $25? What is it?” She said,
“It’s called a fan!”
[3.3, 83.9, 0%, 7.1, 150]

619. Where Will the Homeless Sleep?

All of a sudden, there was no paper in the whole world. Every piece of paper vanished into
thin air. Even the paper in people’s hands vanished from their hands. There were no receipts.
There were no bills. There were no envelopes. There were no paper records in files and folders.
There were no files and folders. There was no paper in printers. There were no napkins, tissues,
or paper towels. There was no toilet paper. There were no bank checks. There were no maps or
menus. There were no postage stamps. There were no newspapers, magazines, or books. There
was clamor worldwide. Then a voice from the clouds said, “You people are destroying all My
trees. Thirty days from now, I will allow you to produce only one paper product worldwide. Make
your choice. And quiet those car horns, or they’re next. We can’t get any sleep up here.”
[2.6, 89.0, 0%, 7.1, 150]

620. Popeye Meets MJ Meets Balloon Dog

Jeff Koons is a famous, wealthy artist. The Whitney Museum of American Art was having a
huge Koons show. Howard thought museums were boring, but he’d read a lot about Koons. He
went to the museum. He told the ticket-taker that he wanted to make a $10 donation instead of
paying full price. She said, “We are a nonprofit museum. You can only do that at MoMA.” He
didn’t believe her, but he paid the $20 general admission. He visited three floors of art. He saw a
toaster hanging on a wall. He saw basketballs floating in some liquid in glass cases. He saw a
green statue of the Hulk with part of a piano keyboard glued to his chest. He saw ordinary kitchen
sponges sitting on a shelf. Upon leaving 30 minutes later, Howard stood outside. He asked
someone, “Ticket for $10, half price?” The stranger bought Howard’s ticket.
[5.1, 74.9, 0%, 9.3, 150]

621. Find a Spot at Noon for July 4 Fireworks

Macy’s July 4 fireworks show had just moved back to the Brooklyn Bridge on the East River.
This pleased many Brooklyn and Queens residents. The fireworks were to begin at 9:20 p.m. It
was 8:45. Troy took the 2 train to Clark Street. He took the jam-packed elevator up eight floors to
the Clark Street sidewalk. Police were everywhere. He followed the crowd walking toward the
river. He could hear the fireworks, but could see little through the trees and buildings. Finally, he
got to the last cross street, Columbia Heights. He was still 150 yards from the river. The
intersection was packed. People were elbow to elbow. There was no moving forward. And his
view was actually worse than the view near the train station. Troy walked back to the train station.
He walked down the eight flights of stairs to the 2 platform. He waited for the train.
[4.2, 79.3, 0%, 8.3, 150]

622. How Soon We Forget

Paul and Linda sold their Burbank house. Paul had hated living there. They’d lived in it for 20
years. They had disclosed everything to potential buyers. Their backyard neighbor raised show
dogs. They barked day and night. Their next-door neighbor had noisy pool parties every weekend.
Their neighbor across the street had a basketball goal in the driveway. People played basketball
around the clock. There was more. Despite all these negatives, someone bought their house. They
visited Las Vegas. Linda’s cousin invited them to stay with her while they looked for a new house.
Las Vegas was too hot, windy, and sandy. Everywhere they went, Linda smelled sewage. The
houses were all jammed together. Her cousin’s husband had an allergy. He sneezed everywhere
and on everything. He never covered his mouth. Paul and Linda left her cousin’s house after three
days. Paul said, “Maybe we shouldn’t have sold our place.”
[4.4, 76.0, 0%, 7.1, 150]

623. Sticks and Stones Can Break My Bones

His children’s names were Cat, Dog, Cow, and Horse. These names were on their birth
certificates. When Cat was born, hospital officials had said, “You can’t name your child after an
animal.” He had said, “Why not? Other people do. Have you ever heard of Robin? Jay? Drake?
Kitty? I’m just using different animal names. Plus, I’m using names of animals that I happen to
love.” His children hated their dad. They had their own names for him. They never used their given
names. Cat called herself Cath, Dog Doug, Cow Cal, and Horse Horace. When they became adults,
they went to court and changed their names. Dad disowned each of them as they did so. Horace
asked, “Why’d you give us such ‘farm animal’ names? At least you could’ve given us majestic
names, like Tiger, Lion, Eagle, Wolf.” Dad said, “Those names are too hard to live up to.”
[2.5, 90.3, 0%, 7.5, 150]

624. First Things First Every Morning

The chainsaw woke Harry up at 8 a.m. Across the street, a man was cutting the trunk of a
felled tree into three-foot long sections. Harry walked over to the kitchen table. He looked into the
concave side of a hand mirror. He examined his wrinkled face, as he did almost every morning. He
looked for fresh pimples. He saw a big, red “pimple” on his neck. An insect had bitten him in his
sleep. He looked at the dry skin that had accumulated overnight. He picked the bigger flakes off his
face. He licked his index finger and rubbed away the dry skin on his eyebrows. With tweezers, he
pulled a few new hairs from his ears. He shook his head. Some day, he wouldn’t be able to do
these simple, self-grooming tasks. When that day came, he hoped that he also wouldn’t care about
doing these simple tasks.
[4.0, 85.4, 0%, 10.7, 150]

625. How about Acting like a Grown-Up?

They were watching a movie. “Did you hear about Marlon Bogart?” she asked. “He
complained about the trailer they’d given him on a movie set. The trailer was sky blue. He had
asked for navy blue. He refused to work until they repainted it. How spoiled is that? Actors have
such an easy life, and they still have the nerve to complain.” He said, “Everyone complains. Just
because you’re rich, you can’t complain? Remember, actors like Marlon weren’t always rich and
famous. Most started out with just a dime and a dream. They worked hard to get where they are.
They went to hundreds of auditions. The big shots ignored them or gave them lots of grief, but they
hung in there. Now they’re rich and famous. And if they want to act like babies, who cares? It’s not
like parents point to actors as role models for their kids.”
[2.8, 89.5, 0%, 8.3, 150]

626. Cramps with Amps

It was 7:30 a.m. He bolted awake. His leg had “locked up” right down to his toes. His foot
pointed downward, as if he were dancing in a ballet. The pain, which he felt mostly in his cramped
calf and foot, was agonizing. His face contorted. In the past, sometimes he could stand on his
pointed foot. His body weight would force the foot back to its natural position. In the past,
sometimes drinking salt water relieved the cramping. Now, nothing worked, except time. He
waited. After 15 seconds, the muscles in his leg and foot relaxed. The pain went away. He
breathed a sigh of relief. The “attacks” had gotten more frequent over the past year and were
lasting longer. They mostly occurred early in the morning. His wife was looking at him. He said,
half-joking, “In another year or so, I guess I won’t need an alarm clock.”
[3.7, 82.7, 0%, 8.3, 150]

627. Oldest Living Person Hasn’t Lost It Yet

Mrs. Dalley is the oldest living person in the United States. She has no idea why she’s lived so
long. She says only the good Lord can answer that question. She spends her time mostly watching
TV and looking out the window. She says her health is pretty good, but she forgets things. Her
grandson gave her $1.15 for her birthday. He said, “Here, Grandma. A penny for every year.” She
thanked him. A month later, he visited her again. He asked, “Remember my birthday gift? What did
you buy with the $115?” She said, “Excuse me? $115? What $115? You gave me 115 cents. You
are so cheap! Shame on you.” He said, “Grandma, I thought your memory was shot. Why would I
give you $115 if you’re only going to forget it?” She said, “Because it’s not about whether I
remember it. It’s about whether you give it.”
[3.2, 83.7, 0%, 6.8, 150]

628. Wtd: NYC Bldg Inspectors—NoExpNec

The Manhattan district attorney charged managers of two construction firms with fraud. They
had hired laymen to inspect construction sites. The laymen signed safety logs using real inspectors’
names. However, one layman used the name of an inspector who’d recently died. Alerted to that
forgery, DA officials inspected logs at a few hundred construction sites. They found many more
forgeries. An official said, “It’s a miracle that nobody’s been injured. They hired anyone and
everyone to be ‘inspectors.’ They hired waiters, busboys, cooks, cashiers, hairdressers, roofers,
and lifeguards. Those guys wouldn’t know a safety violation from a safety pin.” Watching the TV
news, Bob said, “I don’t know. Maybe I’d trust a roofer or a lifeguard. But I always worry when I
walk under construction scaffolding. Do they have an inspector for that?” Ray said, “Of course not.
Have you ever seen scaffolding with plastic caps on all the bolts?”
[6.5, 64.7, 0%, 9.3, 150]

629. Who Would Suspect a Third Grader?

He got away with murder. Had he confessed, his punishment would have been minor. Instead,
he told lies. Over the years, his guilt grew. He couldn’t shut up the voice in his head. He went to a
priest. He said, “I see Lisa’s face every day. We were classmates in third grade. Our class was
having a field trip in Central Park. I asked her to take a walk with me. We walked over the Oak
Bridge. We descended to the edge of the lake. For fun, I pushed her into the lake. But she
disappeared. I couldn’t find her. I ran back. I told the teacher, ‘Lisa wanted to play hide and seek. I
counted to 100 out loud. Then I began looking for her. I even went into the lake. I couldn’t find her
anywhere.’” The priest said, “Lisa’s in heaven. Make a good confession. You’ll be forgiven.”
[1.6, 94.4, 0%, 6.2, 150]

630. At 105, She Didn’t Hog the Cake

Mrs. Dantrell is 105 years old. She says she could eat bacon with every meal, every day. And
she does! She puts her bacon where her mouth is. She says she discovered bacon as a baby. Her
mom weaned her on bacon. That did it for young Lulu. At that early age, she became hooked on
bacon. She says her first word was Bacon. Her second word was More. She met her husband at a
bacon-eating contest. She said, “It wasn’t love at first sight. It was love at first smell. He had his
own bacon scent. I couldn’t inhale enough of that man.” Unfortunately, Mr. Dantrell died 30 years
ago. She said, “The doctors said he had eaten too much bacon. I say he didn’t start eating bacon
young enough.” For her birthday, her children gave her a bacon “cake” with one bacon “candle.”
She shared it with all.
[2.7, 88.6, 0%, 7.5, 150]

631. Follow Your Instincts

They needed an additional clothes bar. However, management forbade putting holes in
apartment walls. He found an adjustable plastic clothes bar for only $8—“no screws necessary.”
He installed it and hung 20 shirts on it. The bar fell to the floor. Ignoring management, he used
screws to fasten the bar to the wall. Again, he hung 20 shirts on the bar. It stayed put, but it sagged
greatly. His wife looked at it. “Take that ugly thing down,” she said. He bought an aluminum
clothes bar for $20, plus two bar sockets. He installed it. He hung up his wife’s clothes and his
clothes. His wife said, “Why didn’t you do that in the first place?” He said, “Well, that’s what my
instincts told me to do. But the plastic bar was only $8.” She said, “That’s always your problem.
Instead of following your instincts, you follow your cheapstincts.”
[3.5, 84.4, 0%, 8.3, 150]

632. Every Picture Tells a Story

He said, “I must have a thousand photos of myself, friends, and family. But why do I keep
them? I haven’t looked at them in ten years.” She said, “Well, there you go. It’s time to have a
picture party. Invite your family and friends over.” He said, “Nobody wants to look at photos
unless they’re in them.” She said, “That’s not true. Besides, everyone’ll enjoy the nostalgia.” He
said, “Everyone’s too busy making nostalgia to look at it. Forget about a party. I’m just going to
throw all the photos out.” She said, “You can’t do that. Photos are too important. Look at what
happens every time someone’s house burns down. Survivors are always so happy that they were
able to rescue their photos.” He said, “Good point. That’s another reason to toss them. In case my
apartment burns down, I won’t risk death trying to rescue boring pictures!”
[3.9, 80.9, 0%, 7.8, 150]

633. Born to Lose

“You’re such a loser,” she said. “Look at you. You’re white. You were born in America. Your
native language is English. You’ve even got a graduate degree. You’ve got all the ingredients for
success. But you have nothing. You have the tiniest pension. You’re not even collecting Social
Security, because you’re going to wait until you’re 70. Ooh, that’s going to be a lot of money—
what, maybe $1,000 a month? Look at all the successful white guys that are your age—George
Bush, Bill Clinton. But not you. You have a little part-time job. You’re always applying to agencies
for extra work, and they’re always ignoring you. What happened to you?” He said, “I don’t know. I
made a lot of bad choices. Now I have to live with them.” She said, “Yes, I made a bad choice too
—marrying you. But I don’t have to live with it.”
[3.1, 84.2, 0%, 6.8, 150]

634. Do Half as Much Double-Checking

The NYC agency application form was an inch thick. He came to one page that had a space for
a notary public to sign. He called up the agency. The department supervisor answered. He asked,
“Do I need to get page 21 notarized before I come in for my interview?” She said, “No. There are
three pages, not just page 21, that need a notary’s signature. We’ll take care of that here in the
office when you come in for your interview.” He asked, “Okay, so I don’t need to get anything
notarized before my interview?” She said, “That’s what I just said. Weren’t you listening? How
many times do I have to say something?” He said, “Well, I was just double-checking. It’s like
repeating a phone number or an address or something. I was just repeating your words.” She hung
up. He was glad she hadn’t asked his name.
[4.0, 81.6, 0%, 8.8, 150]

635. Cops That Just Say No

An off-duty NYPD officer crashed into a parked car late Sunday night. He was charged with
drunk driving. He was the fourth officer in four months so charged. Police Commissioner Ratten
said, “Drinking and driving is stupid. This has got to stop. Officers should be model citizens. As
commissioner, I’m fixing this problem once and for all. Starting Monday, NYPD will hire
teetotalers only. Next month, all officers who are problem drinkers will enter rehab. If they don’t
successfully complete the program, I’ll ask them to resign. If they don’t resign, I’ll fire them. Next
year, all officers who drink, but aren’t problem drinkers, will have to attend Alcoholics
Anonymous meetings weekly. That way, they won’t become problem drinkers.” A reporter said,
“Sir, what about the hazards of tobacco? Are you going to allow NYPD officers to continue
smoking?” Ratten said, “Of course. Cigarettes don’t make you do anything stupid.”
[6.0, 67.5, 0%, 8.8, 150]

636. Mom Abandons Baby in Subway

A young, single mom left her baby in a stroller on a train platform in midtown Manhattan.
Police arrived. Children’s Services took custody of the baby. Police found the mom a day later.
They charged her with child abandonment. Listening to the news, Becky asked, “Does that mean
she’ll go to jail?” Ricky said, “Well, it’s a felony, so she probably will. In New York, you can’t
just leave a kid, any kid under 14, on a train platform or anywhere else. That’s abandonment. It’s
okay if you leave an infant at a police station, hospital, or fire station. But that’s only if it’s 30 days
old or less. Her baby was 10 months old.” Becky said, “So, what good is jail time?” He said,
“Well, it’ll teach her not to do it again.” Becky said, “No, it’ll teach her to abandon her next baby
before it’s 30 days old.”
[4.4, 81.0, 0%, 10.0, 150]

637. New Law: More Marinada than Marijuana

Shirley said, “Have you heard the news? The governor signed a marijuana law. Now all of us
New Yorkers can smoke weed like everyone in all the other states. I’m going to Union Square and
light one up. Finally, a victory for common sense.” Mel said, “Hold on. Are you already high?
Where’d you get this information? None of it’s correct. First of all, it’s a medical marijuana law.
It’s called the Compassionate Care Act. It’s only for people who are very sick. That means people
with diseases like cancer, AIDS, or epilepsy. None of which you have! Further, ‘all’ the other
states haven’t legalized marijuana. Only 22 other states have done so, and that’s for medical
marijuana. Finally, nobody’ll be allowed to actually smoke marijuana. They have to take a
marijuana pill.” She said, “A pill? No way. Marijuana’s like tobacco—there’s the lighting, the
smoking, the whole ritual.”
[5.2, 69.8, 0%, 7.1, 150]

638. Ants in Your Plants

Susie was reading her school essay to her granddad. She said, “Researchers say that there are
two kinds of ants in ant colonies. Scouts find the food. Gatherers take the food back to the nest.
Gatherers are usually older ants.” Her granddad said, “Whoa. What do you mean ‘older’? What
does an older ant look like? Does it wear bifocals? Does it use a twig like a cane? Does it have
bushy eyebrows?” Susie laughed. She said, “I don’t know, Grandpa. I just got this out of a
magazine. You’re not supposed to ask questions like that.” He said, “Like what?” She said, “Like,
questions that I can’t answer.” He said, “But if you write it, you have to be able to support it.
Maybe your teacher or classmates will ask you the same question.” She said, “You’re right. I have
the answer. Older ants have more wrinkles, like you!”
[2.0, 92.1, 0%, 6.8, 150]

639. Fresh, Frozen, Canned

The elderly man had long, dirty-looking hair and a scruffy beard. His clothes were rumpled
and soiled. It was a warm, June afternoon. The annual Broadway Bites food festival was in full
swing at 33rd Street and Broadway. About 30 vendors were selling delicious, but expensive, food
at their booths. Hundreds of people were milling about the vendors. The man was carrying a big,
plastic bag filled with empty cans. He showed no interest in the vendors or their customers. He
was digging through a big, green, metal trashcan. His head went out of sight as he dug deeper.
Instead of pulling out an empty can, he pulled out a half-eaten sandwich. He looked at it briefly
before wolfing it down. Then he pulled a napkin out of the trashcan. He wiped his hands with it.
Then he wiped his mouth with it. Then he walked to another trashcan nearby.
[4.1, 81.6, 0%, 9.3, 150]

640. He’s More His than Hers

She said, “Sometimes I can’t believe he’s actually my son. Sometimes I think they must have
switched him at the hospital. I just can’t believe how lazy he is. I thought I’d raised him better. I’ve
worked hard all my life. I rarely have ‘fun,’ except when I watch TV or sit in Central Park. But
most of the time I work or look for more work. But my son? Work is a four-letter word. He sits at
home all day and plays computer games. Every night when I come home, I ask him, ‘Did you find a
job today?’ He always says, ‘No, but maybe tomorrow.’ Tomorrow. That’s how I know he’s mine.
He’s just like his father. That’s what I always used to ask his father. That’s what his father always
used to say. That’s why I divorced his father. Now if I could only divorce his son.”
[2.1, 93.9, 0%, 7.8, 150]
 641. PRETTY FACE, PRETTY SMILE, PRETTY SAD

HE BOUGHT SOME OLD ENGLISH Polish at Home Depot on West 23rd Street. Yesterday, a
worker had dragged a coffee table across the hardwood floor in his living room. He hoped the
polish would help conceal the scratches. As he crossed Broadway, he saw an attractive woman.
She looked directly at him. She smiled and continued walking. He turned around and caught up to
her. He said, “Excuse me. Did you just smile at me, or was the sun in your eyes?” She smiled
again. She said, “Yes, I smiled at you.” He said, “That was nice. I can’t remember the last time a
pretty, young woman smiled at me. Would you like to have some coffee with me at Eataly?” She
said, “No, but thank you. I’m sorry. That wasn’t a Let’s Have Coffee smile. It was more of a You
Look Like You Could Use a Smile smile.”
[2.3, 92.9, 0%, 8.3, 150]

642. The Wife, or the Law?

Joe and Marilyn were lying on the beach Sunday afternoon. She said, “See you tomorrow
night, honey.” She walked to her car and drove to her sister’s place. Somewhat later, Joe ran over
to the lifeguard stand. He said, “My wife went swimming. I just woke up. I don’t see her
anywhere.” The lifeguard started a search. After a while, he called the Coast Guard. The Coast
Guard searched for hours. The next morning, Joe called municipal court. Weeks earlier, Marilyn
had bought some expensive jewelry. She’d used a credit card she had “found.” Joe said, “Marilyn
can’t appear in court today. She drowned yesterday.” Marilyn came home Monday night. The
police arrived minutes later. They had been waiting for her. They handcuffed Marilyn and Joe. He
said, “I told you this wouldn’t work.” She said, “It’s okay. At least you tried to help me. That’s
what family is for.”
[3.0, 85.1, 0%, 6.5, 150]

643. “Ours” and “Theirs” Elevators

Some New York City Council members are upset. A new apartment building on the West Side
has a “poor door.” One member said, “About 200 units are for rich people. About 50 units are for
poor people. But, only the rich get the river views. The poor get the street views—stop lights and
street signs. Even worse, the poor have to use a separate building entrance and a separate elevator.
That’s discrimination. That’s shameful!” The developer responded, “It’s totally legal. Other
Manhattan buildings do the same thing. Besides, what’s to complain about? The lower-income
tenants are getting a brand new building. It’s in a safe, beautiful neighborhood. Their units have
central heat and air. Their rent is only 30 percent of the market rate. And the separate elevator is
not discrimination. It’s freedom from discrimination. They won’t be riding up in an elevator with
someone looking down on them.”
[6.1, 65.1, 0%, 7.8, 150]

644. At Least the Bridge Is Still There

Around the clock, officers sit in two NYPD cars at each end of the Brooklyn Bridge. Said one
officer, “Nobody is going to blow up this bridge. This is America’s bridge. We watch it like a
hawk.” About 3 o’clock one July morning, security cameras recorded five people walking on the
footpath. Then all five disappeared from view. They climbed to the top of both 276-foot-tall
towers. Using tin pans, they covered the lights that shone on both U.S. flags. They took down both
big flags. They hung up two bleached white flags about the same size. They walked off the bridge
before 4 a.m. Nobody noticed the white flags for several hours. On Channel 7 news that morning, a
police spokesman said, “We don’t know what the white flags mean.” Elmer yelled at the TV, “They
mean you guys were asleep! They mean terrorists can strike us anytime, anywhere!”
[4.6, 81.0, 0%, 10.7, 150]

645. More Guards, Fewer Drownings

It was mid-July, 7 p.m., at Coney Island. A little girl playing on a rocky jetty fell into the water.
A rescuer tried to revive her using CPR, but failed. A doctor said, “The rescuer was doing CPR
improperly. When I got here, he was doing chest compressions on the girl’s stomach. He wasn’t
doing any rescue breathing.” A New York City Council member said, “This is the sixth drowning
this summer. This has got to stop. Our children are our future. I know all this will cost money, but
lifeguards must stay on duty till sundown, not 6 p.m. Plus, we must hire 200 more lifeguards every
summer. Plus, we must teach every student how to swim by fourth grade. Plus, we must teach every
student how to do CPR by eighth grade. After they all know how to swim and do CPR, we can fire
all the lifeguards.”
[4.9, 80.0, 0%, 11.5, 150]

646. Cause of Death: Dumbidity

At 65, Dean’s father had died of a heart attack. Even though Dean was 60, he wasn’t worried
about his heart. “Lightning doesn’t strike twice,” he told friends. They shook their heads. Every
weekend he played golf with his best friend Jerry. One day, after walking uphill from the golf cart
to the 17th green, Dean bent over, breathing hard. Jerry said, “You know, you almost passed out
here last week, too. Didn’t you see your doctor, like I told you?” Dean said, “It’s nothing. You
worry too much.” Late that night, Dean went downstairs to the kitchen. Fifteen minutes later, his
wife went downstairs. The refrigerator door was open. He was lying on the floor. When Jerry
heard the news, he told his wife, “What a dummy. His doctor could’ve fixed him up. Pills. Maybe
an operation. Instead, he’s dead. Now who am I going to play golf with?”
[2.3, 91.4, 0%, 7.5, 150]

647. Frowny Face in Word 2007

She was typing away on the keyboard. She was using Word 2007. She hated Word 2007—and
every other year. She stopped typing and grabbed the mouse. Something was wrong. As she used
the mouse, she saw an arrow on the screen instead of an I-bar. Worse, attached to the arrow was a
rectangular frowny face. She’d never seen a rectangular frowny face, but she knew it wasn’t good.
She decided to click on the Undo icon. Undo usually solved her Word problems. But she couldn’t
click on Undo. The icon was grayed out. She decided to Restart. Restart usually solved the rest of
her Word problems. Before restarting, she closed the document. Then she saw a dialog box. It said,
“Do you want to save the macro?” Macro—what macro, she wondered. She clicked on No. She
reopened the document. She moved the mouse. The frowny face was gone.
[4.1, 77.7, 0%, 7.1, 150]

648. The 50% Golden Rule

She asked, “Daddy, why is the president helping all these kids from other countries?” Dad
said, “Well, honey, he loves to help people, especially children. These kids can’t get an education
in their countries. There are too many gangs. The gangs beat them up. The gangs make them deal
drugs. The gangs make them quit school. So, the president wants to help these poor kids get an
American education.” She said, “But, Daddy, we have gangs right here in America. These gangs
beat up American students. They make American kids deal drugs. They make American kids quit
school. So, why doesn’t the president help American kids?” Dad said, “I’m sure he will, right after
he takes care of all the foreign kids.” She asked, “But shouldn’t he take care of American kids
first? We were here first.” Dad said, “No, honey. Being an American means taking care of others
first.”
[3.7, 82.7, 0%, 8.3, 150]

649. Maybe When We All Have 4 Stomachs

Neal the nutritionist yelled, “I found the cure for cancer!” His wife said, “That’s fantastic! Is it
a new drug?” He said, “No, it’s a common plant. It’s grass! And the cure has been staring us in the
face forever. Horses and cows don’t get cancer. And what do they eat? They eat grass.” His wife
said, “That’s simple enough! The supermarkets can start selling us bags of triple-washed grass. We
can add the grass to our salad, and then pour on some Italian dressing.” He said, “Excuse me. Do
you see horses and cows eating bowls of grass with Italian dressing on top? Of course not. You
have to eat live grass, right out of the ground.” His wife said, “Are you crazy? Nobody’s going to
do that!” He asked, “Not even for a cancer-free life?” She said, “Not even.” He said, “They will
when I’m 200 years old!”
[2.2, 91.8, 0%, 7.1, 150]

650. A Love Letter

I miss your smile. I miss your laugh. I miss holding your hand. I miss hugging you. Your
picture’s in my wallet. It’s a picture of the two of us together. Two smiling, loving faces. Now
we’re not together. You’re there. I’m here. This can’t last forever, can it? Most days I come home,
my eyes tear up. Some days, I cry like a baby. I cry because I’m entering my apartment, not our
apartment. We were planning a life together. Now we’re apart. You said that you don’t love me
anymore. You said that I don’t think of us as a family. All I think of is myself. How could you think
that? I think of you every day. I bless the day I met you. I detest the day I lost you. I saw a rainbow
the other day. It might as well have been black and white.
[1.6, 93.5, 0%, 6.0, 150]

651. The Ticket Is Half Full

A cop accosted Zach. Zach was crossing Fifth Avenue, midway between 34th and 33rd streets.
Zach said, “Jaywalking? What jaywalking? I’m a tourist. You want to ruin the tourist industry?”
The cop asked for Zach’s ID. The cop said, “You’re a tourist?! You live in the Bronx!” Just then, a
bicyclist pedaled north on Fifth Avenue. Zach said, “Look at that cyclist. He’s going the wrong
way. Ticket him!” The cop said, “Oh, you know some rules but not others, I see.” Zach said, “Well,
anyway, there were five other people jaywalking with me. You ignored them, but picked me. Why?
Do I look like a loser or something?” The cop said, “Loser? Not at all. You’re looking at this the
wrong way. Look at it this way. The others got nothing from me. But you—you got something.
Sounds like you’re a winner to me. Have a nice day!”
[2.0, 90.4, 0%, 5.7, 150]

652. Baby Sleeping, Engine Running

It was 10:30 p.m. and drizzling. Mom pulled into the empty parking lot at a small market in
Queens. Her two-year-old daughter was strapped into the baby seat. Without turning off the engine,
Mom ran into the store. She bought some milk for her daughter and dashed back outside. Her car
was gone. She screamed, “Where’s my baby? Where’s my baby?” She called the police. About 30
minutes later, they found her car. The keys and her unharmed baby were still in the car. Thanking
the good Lord, she drove home. Her husband was sleeping. She put the baby to bed. The next
evening, her husband said, “Did you hear the news? Some woman left her baby in her car with the
engine running. Someone stole her car, but they found it and her baby.” His wife said, “She’s a
very lucky woman.” He said, “Yeah, and twice as stupid.”
[3.3, 85.4, 0%, 7.8, 150]
 653. Who’s on First? What’s on Second?
Webb said, “Every day all I see are ugly, black SUVs on the streets. Yesterday, finally, I saw a
beautiful vehicle. It was a brown and white, two-door Coupe de Ville. It was on Willoughby in
downtown Brooklyn. It had all four hubcaps and a perfectly straight antenna. It was like those
Cadillacs in that Italian gangster movie. You know that movie. That Niro guy was in it. And that
little, short guy—Joe something. It was directed by that goofy-looking guy. He used to be a video
store clerk. Now he’s a famous director. How’d he do that?” Brendon said, “Who knows? I know
who you mean. He’s the guy who made Junkyard Dogs.” Webb said, “Wait a minute. Maybe it was
that other director. That real old Italian guy.” Brendon said, “Yeah, I know who you mean. He
made You Talking to Me? with that same Niro guy.”
[3.1, 84.2, 0%, 6.8, 150]

654. Honk if You Love Her, Too

On Future Earth, there are no more forests. The whole Earth is just one big city, separated only
by bodies of water. All humans speak new languages—variations of “Honk.” They don’t speak
old-style English. Or old-style Mandarin. They speak new-style English or new-style Mandarin.
Long ago, birds used to chirp and tweet. Today, birds live in the city, like all the other animals.
Birds grow up hearing car honks, bus honks, and other honks. So, over the years, they’ve
developed their own new language—Bird Honk. It’s a blend of chirps, tweets, and honks. All the
other animals also speak Honk. For example, cats speak Cat Honk. It’s a blend of meows and
honks. Humans, of course, speak Human Honk. In fact, one of the most popular songs for new-style
English speakers is by a four-man group called The Honkles. Their song is “She Loves You, Honk,
Honk, Honk!”
[3.8, 83.3, 0%, 8.8, 150]

655. You Think YOUR Train Is Crowded

At lunch, Bob said, “Guess what I saw at rush hour this morning? Two guys were punching
each other on the train.” Bill said, “That’ll never happen on my train. It’s too crowded to swing
fists; fighters would have to head-butt each other.” John said, “On my train, I can’t even see out the
window to see which station we’re at.” Mary said, “On my train, I can’t find room on a handrail to
hold on to.” Susan said, “On my train, if we ever crashed into another train, after the crash we’d
all still be standing in the same place.” Joe said, “On my train, if I get on with a wrinkled shirt,
when I get off, it’s wrinkle-free.” Elaine said, “On my train, someone passed out yesterday—and
remained standing.” Helen said, “On my train, when we get to a stop and the doors open, riders
pop out.”
[4.2, 88.6, 0%, 15.0, 150]
 656. A Field Day with Apples
Lidia’s supervisor said, “The next four days, all of you trainees will be in the field. You’ll
follow agents to clients’ homes. You’ll watch them interview the clients. You’ll take notes.” After
work every day that week, Lidia bought fruit from the street vendor. She took it home to her five-
year-old son. Every night she talked to her mom about being in the field. Friday evening, Lidia
bumped into her son’s teacher. He said, “I haven’t seen you in a while. Your son says you’re a
farmer now. Where do you do your farming?” Lidia said, “Farming? I’m not a farmer. I’m a trainee
for a New York City job. I wonder why he said that.” When she got home, she asked her son. He
said, “You talk to Grandma every night. You go into the field every day. Then you bring me apples
and peaches. So, that’s a farmer.”
[3.0, 86.4, 0%, 7.5, 150]

657. Rock, Machete, Lasso

It was almost 10 p.m. in Chelsea. The upscale Mexican restaurant was about to close. Three
unkempt men walked into the restaurant. They strode over to the cashier. One of the men told the
pretty cashier, “Give us all the money in the cash register.” Suddenly, he held up a machete. The
cashier fainted. Another of the men tried to open the register. He couldn’t. Grunting slightly, he
lifted it. He said, “Vamonos!” Laughing, the three men left the restaurant. As they walked up the
sidewalk, a worker dashed out of the restaurant. He held a lasso in his hands. He had been a
cowboy when he lived in Mexico. Now he was a busboy. He twirled his lasso and threw it. It
encircled the man with the cash register. The former cowboy yanked on the lasso. The man and the
register crashed to the sidewalk. His buddies ran away.
[3.9, 79.4, 0%, 7.1, 150]

658. She Had to Break It to Fix It

He was sitting in his Ethics class. Twenty-five students sat at five big tables. His cell phone
was locked. He asked his classmate, “Do you own an iPhone?” Ellen said yes. He said, “Mine is
frozen. Do you know how to get it working again?” She grabbed his phone. She started tinkering
with it. She pushed various buttons and tapped the screen. He went back to reading the textbook.
She struggled to pry off the protective plastic cover on his phone. A few minutes later, she returned
the phone to him. It was working. He thanked her. She nodded. He checked his phone for messages
before turning it off. Then he noticed something. A corner of his cover was broken off. He looked
for the missing piece. It wasn’t on the table. It wasn’t on the floor. He looked long and hard at
Ellen. She said, “What?!” He said, “Nothing.”
[2.0, 91.3, 0%, 6.0, 150]
 659. PSA: Baby Samaritans, Not Snatchers
He met her at a Halloween party in Tottenville. She was dressed as an angel. He was dressed
as SpongeBob SquareJeans. He asked her what she did. She said, “I work for the Administration
for Children’s Services. I’m a Child Protective Specialist.” He said, “I’ve heard of you guys. You
knock on people’s doors and snatch their kids. Shame on you!” She said, “That’s not true at all. I
don’t know how we got that reputation. In truth, our mission is twofold. One, we try to ensure the
health, safety, and education of every child under 18 in New York. Two, we try to ensure that those
children live at home, with their families, until they finish high school. Now, what’s so bad about
that?” He said, “Nothing at all. You really ARE an angel.” She said, “Help us. If you ever see an
abused or neglected child, call 800-555-3720.”
[4.2, 79.2, 0%, 7.8, 150]

660. Teacher, the Ebola Ate My Homework!

It was early November. Ebola was in the news. At JFK airport one afternoon, police arrested
a traveler. He’d just arrived on an Ovianca flight from Liberia. He had several outstanding
warrants. The policemen were about to take him to jail. Suddenly, the man said, “I’m not feeling
well. I feel like I’m going to vomit. I think I have a fever.” He gave them a hangdog look. The two
policemen looked at each other. One rolled his eyes. The other said, “We’ve got to follow
procedure. He’s lying, of course. But if he isn’t, and he actually has Ebola, we might not be around
long enough to get our pensions.” His partner said, “Get our pensions?! If he has Ebola, we won’t
be around long enough to celebrate Thanksgiving!” They put the man into a hazmat suit. Then they
took him to Jamaica Hospital, after washing their hands thoroughly.
[4.8, 74.1, 0%, 7.8, 150]

661. On Sundays He Plays His Bass Drum

Anthony was on the Q train Saturday morning. At Parkside Avenue, a portly, white-haired man
boarded the train. He was wearing jeans and a fedora. He wore his jeans high. A portable radio on
a strap hung near his left hip. In his hands was a trumpet. Hanging from it was another fedora, for
donations. Surely, Anthony thought, this old man is not going to play a TRUMPET on this train!
The man turned on the radio’s cassette player. An instrumental version of “New York, New York”
began playing. The man raised the trumpet to his lips. He accompanied the tune. Even though the
man was at the far end of the car, Anthony wanted to cover his ears. Anthony stood up. He walked
over to the man. He showed him a five-spot. He spoke into the man’s ear. The man took the bill
and walked into the next car.
[3.8, 82.1, 0%, 8.3, 150]
 662. Smoking Hot Trumps Smoking
She was sitting on a bench. She was the prettiest girl he’d ever seen. He walked over and sat
on the bench. He said, “It’s a beautiful day, isn’t it? It’s like you.” She smiled and said, “Thank
you.” He pulled out a pack of cigarettes. He offered her one. She made a face and shook her head,
saying, “You can’t smoke in city parks, you know.” He said, “Yes, I know.” He lit a cigarette and
inhaled deeply. He blew the smoke out slowly. She said, “Do you know how stupid you look when
smoke comes out of your face? It reminds me of the smelly, dirty smoke that comes out of the
tailpipe of an old car.” She got up and walked away. He threw the cigarette onto the ground and
stomped on it. He rushed after her. He yelled, “Wait up! That was my last cigarette—ever!”
[1.5, 97.8, 0%, 7.8, 150]

663. It’s Columbus Day—or Not!

She asked, “Are you going to watch the Columbus Day parade today? Our governor and our
mayor will be leading thousands of marchers on Fifth Avenue. They say a million locals and
tourists are going to watch it live.” He said, “No, thank you. That parade glorifies genocide. The
early Europeans murdered millions of First Americans. What’s to celebrate about that?” She said,
“Well, when you put it that way, not much. But remember, European diseases killed many First
Americans. The Europeans didn’t just slaughter First Americans like they were buffalo. Besides,
what would you really prefer? Today we can thank our European heritage for many things, such as
indoor plumbing. Or, would you prefer that nobody had ever arrived here after the First
Americans? In that case, America would probably still be in the Stone Age. And, worse for you,
your precious cell phone—and you—wouldn’t even exist!”
[6.3, 67.5, 0%, 10.0, 150]

664. NYC ACS—Save the Children

There was a knock on the door. Monique opened it. A man said, “Hi. I’m Bruce Brown. I’m
from New York City’s Administration for Children’s Services.” He showed her his ID. She said,
“Okay. A-n-d?” Bruce asked, “May I come in?” Once inside, he said, “I’m here because we got a
report that a young boy in this apartment is screaming bloody murder all the time.” Monique said,
“Really? A report from who? Who told you that? I bet it was Mr. Jones in 3D. What a rat!
Screaming, huh? Well, he’s the one who’s going to be screaming.” Bruce said, “I can’t disclose
who called in the report.” She said, “Surely you don’t believe it’s true!” He said, “I don’t believe
anything until I interview everyone. State law requires us to investigate all reports called in to
800-342-3720. Our mission is to protect city kids from abuse or neglect.”
[3.3, 83.1, 0%, 6.8, 150]
 665. A Word to the Wise, and Otherwise
Charlene said, “Dad, you’re 85 now. You’re not going to live forever, you know.” Dad said,
“What’s your point?” She said, “Do you want to—forgive the phrase—pass on anything? A tip? A
caveat? After all these years, I still don’t know what makes you tick.” He said, “I’m your father.
What more do you need to know? Here’s something for you: I was born in Brooklyn. Does that
help?” She said, “C’mon, Dad! Give me something I can hold onto.” He said, “Give you something
to hold onto? You never gave me ‘something’—grandkids. I got nothing to say. Anyway, who cares
what I got to say?” She said, “I do, for one.” He said, “Well, one’s the closest you can get to zero.
You want a tip? Pass this on to your neighbor’s grandkids: All you have to know is where your
next meal is coming from.”
[1.7, 95.2, 0%, 7.1, 150]

666. Stuck in the Same Boat

He had a new job. It was a New York City government job. He took the job only because he
couldn’t find anything else. The job involved paperwork. Lots of paperwork. It involved copying
paperwork. Lots of copying. It involved faxing. Lots of faxing. It involved phone calls. Lots of
phone calls. It involved typing. Lots and lots of typing. It involved time. But not lots of time—too
little time. Every day, he had 8 hours to do 12 hours of work. It was the most ridiculous job he had
ever had. He told a coworker that he was thinking of quitting. She said, “Don’t. You’ll never get
another city job.” He said, “Well, maybe they’ll fire me.” She said, “Then you’ll never get another
city job.” He asked, “What can I do?” She said, “I don’t know, but if you figure it out, tell the rest
of us!”
[2.2, 89.9, 0%, 6.2, 150]

667. Rock Paper Scissors Victor

Arthur won the United Kingdom annual Rock Paper Scissors championship. A journalist
interviewed him after the one-day tournament ended October 8. She asked, “What’s your secret to
success?” Arthur said that he was the seventh son of a seventh son. She asked, “Which is the best
one to start off with?” He said he always started with rock—except when he didn’t. She asked,
“When did you start playing?” He said he’d been playing daily since he was a wee tot. She asked,
“Did you train for this tournament?” He said, “I’ve been training for the past year. I run, swim, lift
weights, and bike every day.” She asked, “What life skills does this game teach?” He said, “It
teaches you how to succeed in school, business, and life.” Finally, she asked, “How do you feel
about being the UK champ?” He said, “It’s the crowning achievement of my life.”
[3.8, 85.0, 0%, 10.0, 150]
 668. Restaurant Grades—Score Schmore!
It was Saturday evening. They were on St. Mark’s Place near Cooper Union. She said, “Let’s
try this one. It looks nice. It’s crowded, too. That’s always a good sign. And its letter grade is
‘A.’” They walked inside. He visited the bathroom. He returned quickly. He said, “Let’s go.
There’s no soap or hand towels in the bathroom.” They saw another busy restaurant, but it didn’t
display a letter grade. He Googled “restaurant inspection NYC.” He said, “Forget it. Their score
is 32. They have four violations in red!” They decided to go to their favorite restaurant. They met
their friend Kitty en route. She asked where they were going. He named the Chinese restaurant. She
said, “Do you have a death wish? Their last inspection score was 44!” He said, “Yes, we know.
But who cares when the food is so delicious and the staff are so friendly!”
[2.8, 85.9, 0%, 6.2, 150]

669. Glaucoma Isn’t Just for Grandpa

Steve and Andre were sitting at a table. Andre was using his smart phone. Steve held out a
candy bar to him. Andre ignored it. Steve waved it vigorously. Andre didn’t notice it. Steve said,
“Andre!” Andre looked up. Steve handed him the candy bar. Andre said, “Thanks.” Steve asked,
“Didn’t you see me waving that?” Andre said, “Sorry, no. I don’t have peripheral vision. I’ve got
advanced glaucoma. I take eye drops daily to control it. It snuck up on me. By the time I noticed
something was wrong, it was too late. There’s no cure or reversal. I can’t even drive anymore. My
wife drives me around. But I’m lucky—I’m not blind.” Steve said, “But you’re the same age as me.
You’re only 42. I thought glaucoma was an old folks’ disease.” Andre said, “I did, too.” Steve
made an appointment with his eye doctor that afternoon.
[2.7, 85.3, 0%, 5.7, 150]

670. The Fat Fix

His wife said, “I’ve got to lose all this fat.” He said, “Honey, you call it fat; I call it ‘more to
love.’ Yes, you have a few extra pounds, but you wear them well.” Several weeks later, she came
home from a follow-up doctor’s visit. She said, “My doctor said my blood sugar level is too high.
He says I’m pre-diabetic. I need to lose at least 10 percent of my weight, or I might become
diabetic. Now do you agree that I’m too fat?” He said, “Let me whip up something in my lab to
help you lose those pounds.” A month later, he presented her with a bottle of pills. He said, “Take
one pill a week. It’ll neutralize your taste buds. Everything you eat will taste like cardboard.
Everything you drink will taste like water.” She said, “This is your solution? Go back to your lab.”
[2.8, 90.1, 0%, 9.3, 150]
 671. Don’t Drop That Eyeball!
In 1962, Paul invented a board game. He named it Careful Doctors. His game involved a
plastic human patient, tweezers, an imaginary operating room, and a buzzer. The objective was to
remove a body part from the patient without touching hidden alarms. Touching an alarm caused the
buzzer to sound, penalizing the player. Paul’s family tried out his game, but wasn’t impressed. So,
Paul sold his game to Hasgro, a popular game developer, for $500. With the money, Paul bought a
used, “in excellent condition” Edsel. Hasgro tweaked the game a little and renamed it. By 1972,
Hasgro had sold eight million upgrades of Paul’s original game. Paul’s brother told him about the
fortune Hasgro was making from his game. He said, “They should give you some of that.” Paul
said, “No. They tweaked it. They marketed it. They don’t owe me anything. Besides, my Edsel is
still running great!”
[5.9, 68.1, 0%, 8.8, 150]

672. Halfway Done, Halfway There

She put the cup into the microwave to heat some water for her tea. She sat down with her
book. Several minutes went by. Suddenly, she remembered the hot water for her tea. Strangely, the
microwave hadn’t beeped. She walked over and opened the microwave door. The cup was cold.
She’d forgotten to turn the microwave on. Next morning, she walked out of her apartment. After
pushing the elevator button, she looked at her watch. She was going to be late for her doctor’s
appointment. Then she noticed something—she was still wearing her slippers. She went back into
her apartment. Her husband asked, “What’d you forget this time, honey?” She pointed at her
slippers. He laughed. She said, “It’s not funny. I’m forgetting more and more things more and more
often.” He said, “I know, honey. I’m sorry. I’m laughing because I don’t want you to see me
crying.”
[3.4, 83.4, 0%, 7.1, 150]

673. Pick Your Poison

Ted awoke, sat up, and looked down at his feet. He saw puffy feet, puffy ankles, and puffy
calves! For whatever reason, they had swelled up overnight. Fearful, he made an appointment with
his doctor. That afternoon, she examined him. Ted’s right leg was not only swollen, but also red.
She said, “You have cellulitis; it’s a bacterial infection.” She wrote a prescription for an
antibiotic. She said, “Take one capsule every day for ten days.” Ted took the prescription to the
pharmacy. Once home, he read the instructions: “This medicine might increase risk of tendon
problems, including possible breakage of Achilles tendon.” Ted pictured himself tumbling down a
flight of stairs after both tendons suddenly snapped. I’m not taking this stuff, he told himself.
Shortly thereafter, at an online medical site, he read, “Occasionally, cellulitis develops into what’s
known as ‘the flesh-eating disease.’” Well, maybe I will, Ted thought.
 [6.4, 65.3, 0%, 10.0, 150]

674. Supe Fails to Fix Faucet

Lulu phoned the super. She said, “Bret, a month ago you said you were going to fix the cold-
water faucet in my kitchen. It leaks, remember?” Bret said, “It’s still leaking?” She said, “Of
course! Did you think it was going to fix itself?” That afternoon, he brought a whole new faucet
assembly with him. Lulu said, “I thought all it needed was a new gasket.” He said, “It’s an old
building.” When he finished, she thanked him. Later, she went to the sink and turned on the hot-
water faucet. Only cold water came out of the spout. She called Bret again. He returned to her
apartment. He turned on the cold-water faucet. Hot water came out. She said, “What’s this? You
changed it! The left faucet is supposed to turn on the hot water, not the right one.” He said, “I didn’t
change anything. It’s always been like this.”
[2.2, 91.8, 0%, 7.1, 150]

675. No More Bedtime Stories

“Daddy, tell me a story,” Ella said as she cuddled up next to her father on the sofa. He said, “I
can’t, honey. I don’t know any stories. Today, something terrible happened all over the world. All
the stories disappeared. There isn’t a single story in the whole world, except the one I’m telling
you. Nobody can create a story. Nobody can remember a story. Nobody can tell a story. They’re all
gone.” Ella asked, “Where did they go?” Dad said, “Nobody knows. They’re just gone. All the
pages in all the books are totally blank. All the DVDs and CDs are blank. There’s nothing on TV
or radio. There’s no news about anything or anyone anywhere. There’s no Internet. This is terrible.
Human life is meaningless without stories.” Ella said, “Maybe somebody stole them. Wait! I know
who stole all the stories—the Wicked Witch.” Dad asked, “Who’s that?”
[4.0, 76.9, 0%, 6.2, 150]

676. Look for a Nickel, Find a Quarter

Noah said, “How can one guy be so lucky? Yesterday Jacob Brown took the 6 train. It was
rush hour. He got on ‘the empty car.’ You’d think he’d know better. Holding his breath, he went to
the far end of the car and sat down. He saw something across the aisle on the floor. He picked it
up. You’d think he’d know better. But it was a folded-up hundred-dollar bill!” Noah’s wife asked,
“What’d he do with it?” Noah said, “He put it in his pocket. What do you think he did with it?” His
wife said, “I don’t know. Maybe give it to the homeless guy in the car?” Noah said, “Are you
kidding? He bought himself a handful of scratchers with the money. And guess what? He won over
$1,000! What a lucky guy! If I had his luck, I’d be the happiest guy in the world.”
[1.5, 96.9, 0%, 7.1, 150]
 677. Memories Are Made of This
Blake told his wife, “Listen to this. Researchers have made a mouse ‘remember’ something
that never happened. They put the mouse in a box. It had never been in that box before. Somehow,
they made the mouse think it had received electric shocks in that box before. Don’t ask me how.
The article explained it, but I didn’t understand it. Anyway, as soon as they placed the mouse in the
box, it tensed up, expecting a shock. Isn’t that amazing?” His wife asked, “Amazing? Why would
you want to make a mouse, or a person, think that he’s been shocked before?” Blake said,
“Because, honey, if you can create false bad memories, you can create false good memories.
Science can now give depressed people happy memories. It can change depressed people from
being unhappy to happy.” His wife said, “So? I can do that with a bowl of ice cream.”
[3.6, 85.6, 0%, 9.3, 150]

678. Out with the Old, In with the New

Zoey said, “Mommy, tell me the story about Snow White again. That’s my favorite story in the
whole world.” Mom said, “Sure, honey. But you know, someday you’re going to tire of Snow
White. You’ll prefer other stories.” Zoey said, “No! Really? Why?” Mom said, “Because it’s our
human nature. We want the same old thing because we’re comfortable with it. But we want
something new because it’s exciting. So, in the future you’ll seek out new stories. It’s like sugar.
We love our M&Ms, but we’re always eager to try new candy. Just as food companies always
come up with new candy, based on sugar, writers always come up with new stories. They’re based
on the same old human joys and sorrows, but they’re presented in new packages.” Zoey said, “I
don’t want a new package. I love Snow White just the way she is. And I always will.”
[3.3, 85.0, 0%, 7.9, 150]

679. Thanks for Saying Thanks

The email said, “You have the best website I’ve ever seen. You should be very proud of it. I
have a website too—www.awebsitetoo. I just started it. I need successful site owners like you to
link to my site. As you know, the more links to a site, the higher the Google ranking. I’ll bet you
have a very high ranking. Please look at my site. If you like it, please link to it. Thanking you in
advance, Odelia.” Julian looked at Odelia’s website. What a terrible site, he thought. But he felt
sorry for her. He emailed her: “Done! I linked to your site.” After waiting weeks for Odelia to
reply, he emailed her again. He said, “Hello! Why haven’t you thanked me for the link?” She
emailed back, “Please check my first email. I clearly pre-thanked you in that email. How many
times must I thank you?”
[2.8, 87.3, 0%, 7.1, 150]
 680. Out of –sight, Out of Mind
In the quiet town of Hoboken, a young woman shot her ex-boyfriend. He had dumped her for
another woman—her younger sister. The bullet had only grazed his thigh. When arrested, the
woman said, “I wish it had grazed something else.” Becky, the mayor of Hoboken, hated guns. She
decided to start an anti-gun campaign. Since state law allowed guns, she did the next best thing.
She banned the word “gun.” She told the newspaper editor not to print “gun” in the paper. She
said, “If people don’t read about guns, they won’t think about them.” The editor agreed, but asked
Becky about words like “gunk” and “begun.” Becky said, “No problem. If you have to use them,
just write ‘–k’ and ‘be–.’ A resident asked Becky about his last name. She asked, “What is it?” He
said, “Gunderson.” She said, “No problem. From now on, it’s Derson.”
[3.5, 84.1, 0%, 8.2, 150]

681. To See, or Not to See

Helen awoke from a nightmare. She was breathing heavily. Looking around, she marveled at
the utter darkness surrounding her. She’d never seen her bedroom that dark. She got up and started
walking toward the light switch. She banged her left pinky toe into something. She groped her way
back to her bed and rubbed her toe for a while. She was surprised that, by then, her eyes weren’t
used to the dark. She tried to look out her window for the usual glow of nighttime lights. But she
couldn’t even see her window. She walked slowly to the light switch and flipped the switch.
Nothing happened. A power outage! Carefully, she walked over to her antique radio. She turned it
on. It worked! So, no power outage! She was confused and worried. She was also sleepy. She
yawned and went back to bed. She’d figure this out in morning’s light.
[3.0, 86.2, 0%, 7.1, 150]

682. Don’t Call Me a Racist!

The professor was animated, like a preacher on Sunday morning. He said, “Most people will
deny that they are racists. Well, in my opinion, everyone’s a racist! Yes, you, you, you, and you.”
Many students murmured in disagreement. Kyle raised his hand and said, “Professor Watson, I’m
not a racist. I don’t have a racist bone in my body. I have great friends of every race. Therefore, I
think you owe me an apology.” The professor smiled. He said, “I’ll apologize if your honest
answer is the correct answer. Let’s say that there are five ‘races’ on Earth. They are blue, pink,
orange, green, and purple. You’re a member of the blue race. A dictator takes over the world. He
makes all the races live separately from one another. He comes up to you and says, ‘Kyle, which
race do you want to live with?’ What’s your honest answer, Kyle?”
[4.2, 79.3, 0%, 8.3, 150]
 683. Smart Phone Learns a Lesson
While using his computer, Horace remembered that he needed to transfer some contact info to
his computer from his smart phone. He started looking for it. He knew it was somewhere on the
table with the computer. He looked through the clutter on the table. There were three lottery tickets.
A case for his glasses. His wallet. A small calculator. A pad of Post-it notes. A small mirror. Eight
keys that no longer fit anything. A PedEgg for scraping calluses off the bottom of his feet. Receipts.
Erasers. Pencils. Finally, he found it. “I’ll teach you to hide from me!” he said. He went
downstairs to his lab. A week later, he emerged. He’d put sensors on all his important property.
The next time he couldn’t find his smart phone, he shouted, “Where are you, Mr. Smarty Phone?”
Instantly, the smart phone started singing, “Here I am! I’m right here!”
[3.3, 82.3, 0%, 6.5, 150]

684. Banana Nana No Booboo

Kyla was pushing Lyla in the shopping cart at the supermarket. Kyla parked the cart next to
their mom. Mom was checking her shopping list. She grabbed a bunch of bananas and handed them
to Kyla. Kyla put them into the cart. Lyla picked them up and examined each banana. She said,
“Ew, Mom, look what I found. This banana has a bruise. Look at it!” Mom looked at it. She said,
“You’re right, honey. That is a bruise. But it’s not a big bruise.” Kyla and Lyla both shouted, “We
don’t like bruises on our bananas!” Mom said, “Okay. Give the bruised one back to me. I guess you
learned that from me. I don’t like bananas with bruises either. But you know who dislikes bruises
even more than us?” They both asked, “Who?” Mom said, “The bananas, of course! They want to
be pretty, just like you do!”
[2.2, 91.0, 0%, 6.8, 150]

685. Are You a Real New Yorker?

It was raining cats and dogs. Nolan was sitting on the Q train, headed to Times Square. There
were puddles all over the subway car floor. Nolan was tapping away on his smart phone. The train
stopped at Kings Highway. He kept tapping away. Someone said, “Excuse me?” He looked up. An
old lady was looking at him expectantly. Her eyebrows were raised. He went back to his phone.
He figured that she expected him to rise and offer her his seat. But he wasn’t going to do that. Not a
chance. He wasn’t some tourist; he was a New Yorker—a real New Yorker. Real New Yorkers
don’t offer their seats to anyone. After half an hour, the train stopped at Canal Street. The old lady
got off, but first she shook her wet umbrella all over Nolan and his smart phone. She, too, was a
real New Yorker.
[2.2, 92.0, 0%, 7.8, 150]
 686. Honker Helper for Hopeless Honkers
They all say they’ve seen the light. They all say they’ve honked their last honk. They all used
to honk away at any driver who dared to linger after a light turned green. They all used to honk
away at any driver who dared to drive just a bit below the speed limit. But then they all got nabbed
by the Honk Police. After that, they all got honk-washed. Each honker spent twelve hours with a
programmed clown’s horn fastened to his head and mouth. During those twelve hours, he had to go
to his usual haunts. All his family, friends, coworkers, and neighbors saw him wearing his new
horn. If he tried to talk, the horn turned his sound waves into loud honks. If he remained silent, the
programmed horn honked loudly every ten minutes. At the end of his twelve hours, one ex-honker
simply said, “I’m honked out.”
[3.9, 89.2, 0%, 12.5, 150]

687. It Ended, and Began, with a Gun

A little boy found a little gun and shot his little sister. He’d thought the little gun was a toy. His
parents started a foundation, called Last Pistol for Crystal, their slain daughter’s name. The aim of
the foundation was to prevent such accidents from ever happening again. Crystal’s grandma told
her daughter, “Honey, of course these accidents are going to happen again. As long as there are
guns and humans, there are going to be accidents. People always say that ‘it will never happen
again.’ But it’s all just talk and good intentions. And all the talk and good intentions in the world
aren’t going to prevent these accidents from happening again.” Crystal’s mom said, “You’re right,
Mom. But it makes us feel a little better. We’re doing something positive. We’re trying to make
lemonade out of lemons. And, if we save even one life, isn’t that worth it?”
[5.2, 76.3, 0%, 10.7, 150]

688. Red Shirt Not Worth a Red Cent

Myron said, “Did you hear about Bono? He had a bad cycling accident in Central Park. I hope
he’s going to be okay.” Alex said, “He’ll probably develop it into a platinum album for U2. Not
long ago, I could’ve gotten hurt too. And I’m a very careful biker. I never cycle except on bright,
sunny days. And I always wear my day-glow red shirt. It’s so bright, it hurts your eyes! So I’m at a
red light, wearing my loud shirt, when I hear tires squealing behind me. Next thing I know, I’m
flying through the air. Luckily, I only got road rash, but my bike got totaled. Helping me up, the
driver apologized. He said he’d been talking to his girlfriend. She asked me if I was okay. That’s
when I realized why my red shirt hadn’t helped me out. She was the prettiest redhead I’d ever
seen!”
[3.5, 85.6, 11.7%, 8.8, 150]
 689. All’s Well That Ends Well
Geoffrey was walking home from school. He noticed a newish wheelchair sitting on a front
porch. His grandma had an old, unwieldy wheelchair. He looked around. The coast was clear. He
ran up the porch steps, folded the wheelchair, and hurried along the sidewalk. He took the
wheelchair straight to his grandma’s apartment. He said, “Look at your new wheelchair,
Grandma!” She sat in it. Grinning, she rolled it around the living room. Then she said, “What a
beautiful wheelchair! How on earth did you get it?” He said, “It was a prize in our school lottery. I
won it!” A while later, Grandma discovered that Geoffrey had stolen the wheelchair. She ordered
him to return it. He said, “Grandma, if I return it, they’ll lock me up! Just enjoy it. Whoever owned
this wheelchair had insurance. They got themselves a brand new wheelchair. So they’re happy, and
you’re happy.”
[3.3, 83.9, 0%, 7.1, 150]

690. Be Grateful There’s No “Durian Week”

It is the future. A vegan dictator rules Earth. Humans aren’t allowed to eat any animal matter.
All animals die natural deaths. Their bodies fill animal dumps the world over. The decaying
bodies generate a terrible odor. Scent factories mask the odor worldwide, except for one day each
month. Charlotte said, “Oh, the air smells so good! What could be better than Apple Week right
here in The Big Apple? I just wish they would change Apple Week to Apple Year. At the least, it
should be Apple Month. They say that when we go to heaven, we can have Apple Century. I can’t
wait till I die!” Amy said, “Me too! But when I go to heaven, I’m going to ask for Strawberry
Century.” Charlotte said, “Let’s just keep our fingers crossed that we go to heaven. If we don’t,
they say it’ll be Decaying Flesh Week—every week!”
[4.0, 81.6, 5.8%, 8.8, 150]
 691. THREE-RING CIRCUS ON THE B49

THE CROWDED B49 BUS WAS southbound on Ocean Avenue. At Avenue R, a large middle-
aged woman boarded and tried to squeeze past Brevin. She stepped heavily on his left foot. He
yelped and pushed her. She apologized. An old lady sitting next to Brevin said, “Get another one!”
Looking at her, Brevin asked, “What?” She said, “Get another foot! This is Brooklyn.” Across the
aisle, a white-haired lady with a walker told a teenager talking loudly on his phone, “I can’t hear
myself think!” He talked quieter. Then she herself started talking loudly about everything, to
nobody in particular. At Avenue Z, Brevin and the white-haired lady stood up to exit the bus. She
said loudly, “Look at that! He cut in front of me!” Brevin said, “Of course! You’re slower than a
snail.” She said loudly, “Well! Did you hear that? What a nerve he has! Such a mouth!”
[3.9, 79.4, 0%, 7.1, 150]

692. A Dangerous Borrowed Pencil

Sue had left her pencils at home. She needed to borrow a pencil. She asked her classmate,
“Mira, may I borrow one of your pencils, please?” Mira said, “Sure, Sue. I’ll be glad to lend you
one. Here you go.” Mira handed Sue a bright yellow No. 2 pencil. It had a pink, unused eraser on
the end. The point was dull. Sue said thank you. She walked over to the electric pencil sharpener.
She inserted the pencil. The sharpener hummed for a few seconds. She pulled the pencil out. She
looked at the sharp point. The point was sharp enough to stab someone, she thought. She sat down
at her desk. She started writing her name on her paper. The tip of the point broke off. That was
okay, she thought. Now she wouldn’t have to worry about maybe tripping and falling and stabbing
herself with the pencil point.
[2.3, 90.7, 0%, 7.1, 150]

693. A First-Time Flu Shot

It was October 13. He went to his school to get his free flu shot. His school offered free flu
shots every year. But this day he arrived at school later than he normally did. There were no more
free flu shots. They had run out of free shots an hour before he got there. So he had to pay for his
annual flu shot. He gave $15 to a clerk at his school. She gave him a ticket. She told him to bring
the ticket with him on October 27. He presented his ticket on October 27. He went into a room.
Five young student nurses were busy giving shots. The sixth one waved him over. She smiled and
said, “You’re my first live human. Up till now, I’ve been practicing on grapefruits and oranges.”
He said, “You must be nervous.” She said, “Not really.” He said, “I am.”
[2.6, 89.9, 0%, 7.8, 150]
 694. New Neighbor Joins the Club
A man was standing outside the carport. John looked at the man. It was nighttime. He didn’t
recognize the man. The man was just standing there. He looked suspicious. John pulled his car into
the carport. He got out of his car and locked the door. The man was still standing there. John
walked over to him. He asked him who he was. The man said he was Marvin. He had just moved
into the apartment building two weeks ago. John asked him which apartment he lived in. Marvin
said apartment 3. John said, “I’m John. Can I help you? Or are you just getting some fresh air?”
Marvin had heard a noise a few minutes ago. Someone had broken into his car last week and stolen
his $300 sunglasses. John said, “Welcome to the neighborhood. Now your car is like all of ours.
At least it was only sunglasses.”
[2.2, 90.7, 0%, 6.5, 150]

695. Boss Refuses to Share His Caddy

The custodian was upset. His boss had said he wasn’t going to give him a raise. He said, “You
didn’t give me a raise last year or the year before.” His boss said times were hard. There was an
economic crisis. He didn’t have the money to give anyone a raise. He told the custodian to find
another job if he could. The custodian had already looked for another job. Nobody was hiring
custodians. Nobody was hiring anybody. He said, “What do you mean, you don’t have the money?
You drive a brand new Cadillac. That’s plenty of money.” His boss said, “Yeah, it’s plenty of
money. What, I should sell my Caddy so I can give you a raise? I worked hard to make the money
for that car. And I’m not going to lower my lifestyle so I can help you raise yours. Nobody did that
for me!”
[3.3, 86.1, 0%, 8.3,150]

696. Snow and Ice Make Walking Not Nice

A winter storm had dumped a foot of snow on Brooklyn. Hilda had an appointment with her
doctor a block away. Her daughter Sharon went with her. They walked arm in arm. Hilda watched
her every step, but still slipped on some unseen ice. Sharon lost her grasp. Hilda’s feet went
forward. Her head went backward. Her arms stretched out behind her. She landed on her butt. Her
hands and arms propped her up so her head didn’t hit the sidewalk. Sharon said, “Oh, my gosh!
Mom, are you okay?” Sharon helped Hilda up. Sharon brushed off the back of Hilda’s coat. “I hate
the winter,” Hilda said. Sharon said, “Everyone does. No matter how careful you are, you can still
slip and fall. It’s no fun, for sure.” Just then four young kids ran by laughing and yelling. Hilda
said, “Unless you’re seven years old on a snow day.”
[2.2, 91.8, 0%, 7.1, 150]
 697. His Water and Brain Are Boiling
He filled the pot with water and turned on the burner. Sitting down, he opened the paper and
started reading a story about political corruption. He got angry. He said, “This corruption is
everywhere. It’s driving me nuts! Politicians, lawyers, judges, bankers—they’re all corrupt! And
they hardly ever get caught. And when they do get caught, they hardly ever go to jail. They get a
slap on the wrist. And the more corrupt they are, the lighter the slap. If they steal millions, all they
have to do is promise to pay it back. They’re liars and cheats, but their promise is good!?
Unbelievable!” His wife said, “The water’s boiling, you know. It’s boiling just like your brain!
Why do you get upset about things that you can’t do anything about? Take your boiling brain and do
something useful, like community work, like giving back, like massaging my feet!”
[4.6, 77.1, 11.7%, 8.8, 150]

698. Elvis: I Want Her, and Her

Elvis wanted a girlfriend. Gladys, his married coworker, said she had some single friends who
were looking for boyfriends. Gladys set up a meeting at a Starbucks with herself, Elvis, Priscilla,
and Yvette. They all enjoyed their coffee and snacks, and then said their goodbyes. Elvis called
Gladys later. He said, “I really like Priscilla.” Gladys said, “Oh, that’s too bad. Yvette likes you,
but Priscilla doesn’t.” He said, “Oh, really? Well, that’s okay. What’s Yvette’s number?” Gladys
said, “You’re kidding, right? Why would I give you Yvette’s number? You just said you liked
Priscilla, not Yvette.” Elvis said, “C’mon! I can like two girls, just like I can like two flavors of
ice cream.” Gladys said, “I’m not going to set you up with Yvette. She’s my friend. All you’ll do is
use her—while you’re thinking of Priscilla! Then you’ll dump her—like an empty ice cream
cone!”
[3.3, 84.1, 0%, 7.5, 150]

699. What’s behind the Bathroom Door?

The teacher was pulling paper towels out of the dispenser in one of the Bronx school’s unisex
restrooms. Suddenly the door opened. A young female student saw him. A brand new student, she
shut the door quickly. Later, the school director called him into her office. She said, “That young
lady, like many of our students, is from Farawayland. She was shocked and embarrassed to see a
strange man in an unlocked bathroom. She wanted to drop out of school.” He said, “I’m sorry. I
forgot to lock the door. But I was just standing at the sink pulling paper towels out of the dispenser.
It’s not like I was using the toilet.” She said, “I understand. But still, she witnessed a strange man
in a bathroom. That’s taboo in her culture.” He said, “Well, she’s in New York City now. Sooner
or later, she’s going to see far worse.”
[3.6, 84.5, 0%, 8.8, 150]
 700. I Love Her so Much
I love her so much, Joseph thought. He said those words to himself up to twenty times a day.
He didn’t intentionally produce them, as one would intentionally tell the waitress, “I’ll have the
chicken soup.” They just came to him out of the blue, unrelated to whatever he was doing. The
words were about his wife. He asked his brother if he ever thought those words about his own
wife. His brother laughed. “Not at all,” he said. “I love her, although I can’t remember the last time
that I told her that. But I never think about how much I love her, much less actually tell her.” Joseph
had been married as long as his brother had. Yet Joseph still said those words daily. They sprang
forth from his heart at any time of day. He welcomed them. They comforted him. They bonded him
ever closer to her.
[3.2, 88.4, 0%, 9.3, 150]

701. Magazine Tries to Trick Him

The pullout in the magazine said “Only $16!” Twelve issues—one each month—for only $16.
A good deal, he thought. He grabbed his checkbook and wrote out a check for $16. He copied the
address on the pullout onto an envelope. He put the check and the pullout into the envelope and
mailed it the next day. Two weeks later, he got an envelope from the magazine. Inside was a bill.
The bill was for $3.95, for “shipping and handling.” He was upset. He hadn’t seen anything on that
pullout about S&H. And he had examined it carefully. This is robbery, he thought. He wrote an
angry note on the bill, saying he wasn’t going to pay one penny of S&H. He addressed an
envelope. Then he stopped. Wait a minute, he thought, this is going to cost me a 44-cent stamp. He
decided to send an angry e-mail.
[3.6, 83.7, 0%, 8.5, 150]

702. Next! Finish This, Start That

It never ends. Every day there’s something to do. Sure, you can take a break, a nap, a day off,
or even a vacation. But while you’re relaxing, your To Do list is growing. One thing after another
is waiting in line. Put gas in your car. Buy groceries. Pay bills. Do your homework. Do your job.
Wash your clothes. Fix dinner. Wash the dishes. Study. See the doctor. Go to a job interview. Call
your mom! When you finish one thing, you feel good. You did it. It’s history. A done deal. But you
can’t just sit there patting yourself on the back. You have to do the next thing. And when you finish
the next thing, then the next thing. It never ends. As long as you live, you will have something to do.
That is the nature of life, the burden of life, the opportunity of life.
[1.6, 92.7, 0%, 5.5, 150]
 703. Nose Doc Knows Shortcut
He had an ear problem. His doctor gave him nose medicine. She said, “It’s nose medicine, but
it should work because your nose and your ears are connected.” The medicine was expensive. It
was $108. One little bottle was $108. How could a little bottle of nose spray be so expensive, he
wondered. She said to spray the medicine into his nose twice a day. Two sprays in the morning,
and two in the evening. No problem, he thought. She told him to use the nose spray for three weeks.
Then she would examine him again. If the nose spray didn’t work, she’d prescribe a different
medicine. If that medicine didn’t work, she’d probably have to perform surgery. He said that ear
surgery sounded terrible. He didn’t want her digging into his ear. She said, “Oh, I’m not going to
‘dig’ into your ear. I’ll be going through your nose.”
[3.8, 82.1, 0%, 8.3,150]

704. Drug Money Is Tainted Money

The gangsters were filthy rich from selling drugs. They could buy anything they wanted. They
bought fast cars with their drug money. They bought acres of land with their drug money. They
bought a huge house with their drug money. They bought expensive art for their house. They bought
expensive furniture for their house. But something was missing. They wanted a big painting in their
foyer—a big painting of their happy “family.” They called many artists, but they all said they were
“busy.” But one day an artist called the gangsters. He said he would paint the foyer. They agreed to
his very high price. Upset, his wife said, “Don’t work for them. They’re gangsters. Their money’s
tainted.” He said, “No, their money’s green. And their green money will take us to that one place
that you’ve been dreaming of your whole life—Hawaii. Well? What do you say?”
[2.5, 89.8, 0%, 7.5, 150]

705. Radio Host Attacks President

Michael’s a radio talk show host. He’s a conservative. A conservative wants less government,
unlike a liberal, who wants more government. Michael makes $20 million a year. He has ten
million listeners. He talks for three hours every day. He talks about politics and the president. He
says the president is ruining the country. The president wants to give free housing to everyone. He
wants to give free health care to everyone. Michael said, “Does the president think that he’s Santa
Claus? Does he think that money grows on trees? Where’s all the money going to come from?
Who’s going to pay for the ‘free’ housing? Who’s going to pay for the ‘free’ health care? The
president wants to control the media and the Internet. The president wants to control the banks. He
wants to control everything! Who does he think he is? Does he think he was elected king?”
[4.3, 77.3, 0%, 7.5, 150]

706. NYC World Series Final Is a Gem

 It was the seventh game of the World Series. The NY Mets were playing the NY Yankees. It
was the Subway Series. Yankee Stadium was packed. The winner of this game would be the world
champion. Everyone expected a pitcher’s duel. The two starting pitchers were the best in baseball.
Tim Seaver was the Mets pitcher. Dwayne Gooden was the Yankees pitcher. The game began.
Each pitcher befuddled batters. Batters struck out swinging. Batters struck out looking. Batters hit
weak grounders. Batters hit pop flies. Batters went to the plate determined. Batters returned to the
dugout dejected. It was a scoreless game until the bottom of the ninth inning. With two out and two
strikes, Rickey Mantle hit a home run. The Yankees won 1–0. For the first time in history, they
gave the Most Valuable Player award to three players—Seaver, Gooden, and Mantle. Fans
applauded the decision.
[4.2, 76.3, 0%, 6.8, 150]

707. Brooklyn Bridge Meets Moby-Ship

The world’s biggest ship traveled south down the Hudson River. Its name is Moby-Ship.
Everyone on both shores stared. A man said, “It’s bigger than the Empire State Building.” Moby-
Ship turned left before it neared the Statue of Liberty. It headed toward the Brooklyn Bridge.
Moby-Ship runs on cheap, air-polluting coal. Its huge smokestack is 300 feet tall. The Brooklyn
Bridge walkway is 280 feet above water. Many locals and tourists were walking on the bridge.
They saw Moby-Ship approaching. They saw the smokestack. They pointed and hollered. They
started running. They rushed helter-skelter off the bridge. The captain was watching them. He
laughed uncontrollably. Then he pushed a button. The smokestack telescoped down 50 feet. Moby-
Ship went under the Brooklyn Bridge. A police boat pulled Moby-Ship over. The captain said,
“What’s the problem? People enjoy a good scare. They got one. I enjoy a good laugh. I got one.”
[4.5, 72.9, 0%, 5.7, 150]

708. Schoolwork as Easy as Pi

Lily was using her calculator to do her math homework. Ms. Bates forbade calculators in class
—and at home. In class, Ms. Bates always surveyed the classroom during math tests. She was like
a vulture, Lily thought. If Ms. Bates spotted a calculator, she swooped down, grabbed the
calculator in her claws, and flew off. At home, Lily used her calculator with abandon. She used it
to add. She used it to subtract. She used it to multiply. She used it to divide. The harder the math
problem, the more she loved her calculator. She just wished that someone would invent a
“schoolulator” for all the other school subjects. Need a 500-word essay on “Ulysses” for English
class? Just enter those words into your schoolulator and press Print. Need a science project? Just
enter the precise name of your project and press 3D Print. Straight A’s would be so easy!
[4.6, 77.3, 0%, 8.8, 150]
 709. What Goes Around Comes Around
An hour ago, life had been so sweet. Now, the sugar was gone. He loved a woman. She was
the most wonderful woman he had ever met. He had sat in pottery class with her. He had asked her
out for coffee. She had accepted. He had asked her out for dinner. She had accepted. He had asked
her out to a movie. She had accepted. They went to concerts. They went to clubs. They went to
Brighton Beach. They went to Prospect Park. They went to Junior’s to enjoy its famous
cheesecake. They held hands everywhere they went. Finally he asked her the big question. He
asked her to marry him. She said no. She said she wasn’t ready to settle down. She said she wasn’t
ready to get married. “It’s not you,” she said. “It’s me.” He knew better. He’d said those very
words to his last girlfriend.
[1.8, 92.1, 0%, 5.7, 150]

710. Cop’s Funeral: Disrespect, or No Big Deal?

The black wife of the mayor of New York City went to a funeral with her white husband. The
funeral was for a Chinese police officer. A cop hater had shot the unsuspecting policeman once in
the head while he sat in his NYPD blue and white patrol car. Many police officers from New York
City, other cities, and other states attended the funeral. Showing respect for their fallen comrade,
they wore their dress blues. The mayor’s wife wore blue, too—blue jeans. On a radio talk show, a
caller pointed out “her disrespect.” He said, “Do you think she would have worn jeans if the
officer had been black? If he’d been Latino? Do you think she would have worn jeans if the funeral
had been in China?” The talk show host said wearing jeans was “no big deal.” He said, “Give her
some credit just for being there!”
[5.0, 80.7, 0%, 12.5, 150]

711. Give Me Back My Baby!

Tom, 18, was doing almost 80 mph. Too late, he saw Jenny crossing the street. Tom pleaded
guilty to one count of reckless driving causing death. Before sentencing Tom, the judge asked if he
wanted to say anything to Jenny’s parents. Tom said, “No. What good would it do?” Tom got ten
years. A reporter stopped the parents on their way out of court. She asked, “Are you upset that he
didn’t apologize?” Jenny’s mom said, “No. He’s right. Killers can’t win. Families get upset if
killers don’t apologize. But they also get upset if killers do apologize. If they don’t apologize,
that’s insult to injury. If they do apologize, but insincerely, that’s also insult to injury. Even if they
apologize sincerely, it isn’t worth spit. What good is it? It changes nothing. When you’ve killed
someone, your apology doesn’t raise the dead or heal the hearts of their family.”
[4.8, 74.1, 0%, 7.8, 150]

712. Whom to Blame for French Massacre?

 In Paris, two gunmen told a woman to type in the code to enter an office building. Fearing for
her life, she did as ordered. The gunmen entered the building with her. They all went up to the
second floor. The second floor was where the cartoonists—the target—produced a weekly
satirical magazine. The cartoonists delighted in belittling others. They ridiculed everyone and
everything—celebrities, politicians, governments, corporations, and religions. The gunmen calmly
shot most workers in the office, killing 12 before departing. The finger of blame points at the
gunmen. They were simply too sensitive about their religion and its prophet. The cartoons were
only satire. The finger points at the cartoonists. Believing that freedom of speech is unlimited, they
relentlessly mocked the religion and prophet of the gunmen. The finger points at the woman, who
was uninjured. She sacrificed a dozen coworkers when she opened that door.
[7.7, 57.3, 0%, 10.0, 150]

713. A Queens Fish Tale

Oprah went to an animal shelter in Queens. After browsing, she told a worker, “They’re all so
cute. But they’re all still here. Nobody’s taking them home. How long do you keep them? Do they
have an expiration date?” The worker said, “Ha! Yes, we stamp it inside their ears. Just kidding.
How can I explain this? These animals are like inventory, but not. If inventory doesn’t move, a
store reduces the price. But we can’t do that, because there is no price! We can’t return our
inventory to a warehouse, because these critters came from the streets. So, there’s only one thing
left to do—we euthanize the furry dears.” Oprah said, “Aww. And then you give them a dignified
burial in a beautiful pet cemetery?” He said, “Wouldn’t that be nice? Actually, a barge takes them
out to sea and dumps them overboard. Then the fish eat them.”
[3.5, 83.0, 0%, 7.5, 150]

714. The Oscars Are Broken

John and his wife Mary were discussing the latest Oscar nominations. She said, “They almost
totally ignored ‘Selma.’ It’s such an important movie. It’s all about civil rights in the ‘60s. David
Oyelowo was superb as Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., but he didn’t even get nominated for best
actor. Let me tell you something. The Oscars began in 1929. Since then, only four black men have
won Best Actor. Only one black woman has won Best Actress. Only one black picture has won
Best Picture. No black director has ever won Best Director. It’s not fair. All these people have
been doing such good work all these years for what? For nothing.” John said, “Well, what would
you suggest?” She said, “We need to even things out. For 80 years, blacks have won hardly
anything. So, the solution is obvious. For the next 80 years, whites win hardly anything.”
[4.6, 75.8, 0%, 7.8, 150]

715. “DeflateGate” Rocks Football Nation

 Could it be true? A professional football team had cheated in a playoff game? It had
underinflated eleven of its twelve game balls so the quarterback could throw, and receivers could
catch, the footballs more easily throughout the game’s wet, windy, and cold weather? Shocking!
Then again, stranger things have happened. Paid to seek The Truth for football fans, reporters
pestered the coach. He said maybe his team’s footballs had less pressure because they’d sat
outside in the cold weather. (The opposing team’s twelve footballs, which were not underinflated,
had also sat outside in the same cold weather.) His response didn’t reassure fans. Reporters
pestered the quarterback. A reporter asked, “Are you a cheater?” The quarterback, football’s
golden boy, said, “I don’t believe so.” His response didn’t reassure fans. Exasperated, the team
owner told reporters, “Of course we didn’t cheat. If we had cheated, all twelve balls would’ve
been underinflated.”
[6.0, 69.7, 0%, 10.0, 150]

716. Payo Clinic’s Free Health Letter

He saw an ad for a free health letter from world-famous Payo Clinic. What’s to lose, he
thought. If the trial letter looks good, then maybe I’ll subscribe. He called the 800 number. The rep
said he’d receive his health letter in about three weeks. A week later, he received an envelope
marked Payo Clinic Health Letter. That was fast, he thought. He opened it. He read, “Order
Acknowledgement, 12 issues, Total Amount: $31.50. Or you may pay the installment of $10.50.”
There was no health letter. He called the 800 number. He told the rep, “What’s going on here? I
haven’t even received my free trial letter, and I’m already getting a bill for $31! I haven’t even
subscribed! Why am I getting this bill?” She asked for his account number. She said, “It’s okay.
You can ignore it. It’s not a bill. It just looks like a bill.”
[4.1, 78.3, 0%, 7.1, 150]

717. Scrub-a-Rub-Yikes in the Tub

His wife said, “Just because you have a week off from work doesn’t mean you can skip
showering. Please—I can’t take it anymore.” He said what he always said when his wife said
things like that, “Yes, dear.” Emerging from the bathroom, he said, “Showering in this apartment is
more like working out than cleaning up. The water temperature keeps changing, so instead of
getting clean, I’m kept busy adjusting the knobs. More cold water, less cold water, more hot water,
less hot water. When are they going to invent a single shower knob for Just Right? When I finally
get the temperature right, the flow changes. Water drips from the showerhead; then it floods like a
waterfall. Drip, flood, drip, flood. Finally, there’s little Junior next door. When he hears me
showering, he flushes the toilet, scalding me.” Laughing, his wife asked, “How does he know it’s
you?”
[4.7, 80.3, 7.6%, 11.5, 150]
 718. Ten Houses? 20 Cars? I’ll Take Fresh Shorts
Cy said, “I just read an article about rich real estate brokers in Manhattan. One broker has his
own hair salon. He treats all his clients and their spouses to free hair treatments. How rich is that?
Another broker has his own limousine service. His limousines take his clients all over town for
free. How rich is that? Another broker has fashion big shots from Paris put on personal shows just
for her and her clients twice a year. How rich is that?” Shy said, “You know, all that fancy stuff is
beyond me. I’m bald as a cue ball, so I don’t visit fancy salons. My ‘limo’ is a yellow cab. My
wife buys her clothes at Target. Here’s the kind of rich that opens my eyes: I read about a guy so
rich that after he wears his underwear one time—he throws it out! Now that’s rich.”
[3.4, 87.8, 0%, 10.0, 150]

719. Which Neighbor Steals His Paper?

Brent had just started a newspaper subscription. But two days had gone by, and he hadn’t
received one paper. Customer service said delivery had delivered the paper both days. Brent said,
“Can delivery call me when they deliver tomorrow?” The rep checked with delivery and said
okay. Brent told his wife, “Now I’ll catch whoever’s stealing our paper. I don’t know which
neighbor it is, but I’m going to catch him in the act.” His wife said, “Your neighbors aren’t stealing
your papers!” Brent scoffed. The next morning, delivery called. Brent waited a minute. He opened
his apartment door. “Ha!” he said. Nobody was there. His paper wasn’t there either. He called
customer service. The rep called delivery. Delivery said his paper was still there. Brent said,
“Where? Where’s ‘there’?” The rep said, “They leave your paper downstairs. They can’t get
upstairs to your apartment because your lobby is locked.”
[4.1, 77.5, 0%, 6.8, 150]

720. Yay! No More Winter Clothing

Talking to potential investors, Howard said, “I’ve created Thinn-Sqinns. They breathe yet
retain body heat. They weigh mere ounces and are almost invisible. Take these sample tops and
bottoms home. Try them on. You can’t wear clothing under them. Since they’re transparent, wear an
oversize T-shirt before you step outside. Even on a winter day like today, all you’ll need outside
are gloves and shoes. One size fits all. The tops are long-sleeve or short-sleeve. Just pull them on
over your head. The bottoms are full-length or knee-length. There are no zippers or buttons. For the
rest of your life, you won’t have to bundle up in the winter. And Thinn-Sqinns are so comfortable,
you’ll forget you’re wearing them, which is a problem sometimes when new users absent-
mindedly sit down on the toilet for the first time. However, even that’s no problem—Thinn-Sqinns
wash up easily in any bathroom sink.”
[4.9, 76.6, 0%, 9.3, 150]
 721. Why Not Melt Snow Instead of Push It?
The snowstorm had ended. He watched four snowplow trucks go south on Ocean Avenue in
Brooklyn. The first one hugged the center line. Its angled plow pushed snow to the right. The
second truck was slightly closer to the curb, the third even closer, and the fourth closest to the
curb. He felt like he was watching a U.S. Navy Blue Angels air show. What precision plowing, he
thought. But, more important, he thought, Four trucks—just to push snow to the curb? He invented a
snow-melter, similar to a blow dryer. His invention simply redirected, at the flick of a switch, the
heat escaping from the exhaust pipe to an “exhaust bumper” on the front of the truck. The driver can
adjust the bumper to various heights and aim the “blow holes” in the bumper in various directions.
Now, instead of pushing the snow, modified trucks simply melt it.
[5.4, 78.5, 0%, 12.5, 150]

722. She Can’t Keep Grandpa Home

The two women were standing in line at the supermarket. They started talking. Sophie said,
“My husband turned 70 last week. But he still goes out three or four times a week.” Nelly said,
“Really? He must be in very good shape. Where does he go? Golfing? Jogging? Does he take you
with him?” Sophie said, “No, he never takes me with him. I wouldn’t want to go with him anyway.
Who wants to sit around in a doctor’s office or at a physical therapist’s three or four times a week?
Frankly, I’m happy to see him leave the house.” Laughing, Nelly said, “Yes, they do get underfoot.
When you said ‘he goes out,’ I misunderstood you.” Sophie said, “I’m sorry. I was just pulling your
leg. When you get older, it helps a little to joke about the things you have to do now or you can’t do
anymore.”
[2.6, 89.9, 0%, 7.8, 150]

723. Other Lives Matter, Too

A white policeman choked a black man in NYC. The man died. The grand jury didn’t indict the
officer. Then, a white policeman shot a black man in Missouri. The man died. The grand jury
didn’t indict the officer. NPR-PC and mainstream media reported on these events and the ensuing
nationwide unrest in great detail. Massive demonstrations occurred; many protesters held signs
saying, “Black Lives Matter!” President Obama said such demonstrations were “necessary.”
Attorney General Holder initiated an FBI investigation. A month later, an illegal immigrant walked
into a convenience store at 4 a.m. in Arizona. The 21-year-old clerk didn’t hand over a pack of
cigarettes fast enough. The smoker shot him once. There were no demonstrations. There were no
signs saying, “White Lives Matter!” Obama and Holder were silent about the murder. NPR-PC and
all the other liberal media were silent about the murder. … Grant, we hardly knew ye.
[6.8, 59.8, 0%, 8.3, 150]
 724. Car Purrs—Like a Paper Tiger
Food manufacturers routinely add sugar to sweeten their products as well as sweeten their
sales. Similarly, car manufacturers now sweeten their vehicles by adding artificial sounds. Modern
engines are so efficient that they are almost silent. Researchers have found that drivers, especially
men, dislike a silent car. They prefer a car that sounds subtly menacing, like a subdued version of
the Mustang or Charger engines in the movie “Bullitt.” So, engineers have made such a sound
integral to the cabin. Also, doors in newer cars close with a solid click that belies how flimsy the
doors actually are. Likewise, engineers have enhanced the closing click of glove compartment
doors to give them a solid sound. Different sensory tricks are in the works. Engineers are busy
developing enhanced window glass. When a woman looks through the glass at the driver, he will
always see a big smile on her pretty face.
[8.2, 59.8, 0%, 13.6, 150]

725. Mountaintop Guru Serves Tea, Saves World

EmmyLou climbed to the top of the mountain. Guru sat there sipping a cup of hot tea. He
offered her some tea. Shivering, she accepted. She said, “Guru, our world is full of crime, hunger,
and homelessness. I beg you to help us.” Guru said, “I will meditate on it.” She thanked him and
took off down the snowy mountainside. A month later, the world’s crime, hunger, and homelessness
had ended. Two months later, EmmyLou climbed the mountain again. Guru poured her a cup of hot
tea. She said, “Thank you, Guru. Crime, hunger, and homelessness have disappeared. But now we
have another problem. The police, farmers, and contractors are out of work. They asked me to ask
you to let crime, hunger, and homelessness return to our world.” Guru said, “Your request does not
surprise me. A solution that solves one problem sometimes creates a new problem. More tea?”
[4.2, 78.6, 0%, 7.8, 150]

726. Web Search for a Job in NYC

He paid $40 to an online job-finder agency. He filled in his job title (light bulb changer),
salary ($10 an hour), and area (New York City). Soon he started receiving emails from
employment agencies. These emails listed job positions that were available. Only a few positions
were for light bulb changers. But those positions required experience with many kinds of light
bulbs he had never seen or even heard of, much less changed. Most emails listed positions such as
Driver, Nurse’s Aide, Home Health Attendant, Security Officer, Cashier, Car Wash Service Detail
Technician, and Sales Representative. Many emails listed positions that were hundreds or
thousands of miles from New York City. One email he received said, “Hi Bill (heart), We found
12,633 jobs in Brooklyn for you.” He shook his head. He didn’t want 12,633 jobs. He wanted just
one job that he knew how to do and do well.
 [7.6, 62.1, 0%, 12.5, 150]

727. Four Lanes Fail to Faze Fearless Man

Wayne looked out his third-floor window on a cold winter day. A homeless man was standing
still in the snow next to the fence that bordered the supermarket parking lot. He was facing the
fence. Wayne finally realized what the man was doing. When he finished, he turned around and
walked out into the busy street. Two shopping carts, both full of stuff, were in the street. The man
started pushing both carts. Not once did he pay the slightest attention to traffic. He pushed the carts
as if the street was his alone. Cars, trucks, and buses slowly drove around him. To Wayne’s
amazement, nobody even honked. Wayne’s wife asked, “What are you doing?” He said, “Some
homeless guy’s walking in the middle of the street. I’m thinking of calling the police.” His wife
said, “Why? Mind your own business. If he gets run over, then call the police.”
[3.5, 85.6, 5.8%, 8.8, 150]

728. For Felon: Pain-Free Farewell

“Listen to this,” he told his wife. “Some guy murdered an entire family 15 years ago. Last night
they were supposed to inject him with a drug to execute him for the murders. Instead, a lawyer
stopped the execution because the injection might be painful for the murderer. What is this country
coming to? Who cares if the murderer suffers a little pain? He outlived his victims by 15 years.
Their friends and family have suffered daily for the last 15 years. But the lawyer’s worried that
this fiend might suffer for a whole minute or two? Who cares?” His wife said, “Well, he’s going to
suffer for eternity in hell, so maybe they want his last moment on Earth to be pain free.” He said,
“Well, if that’s what they want, why bother with injections at all? All they need for ‘pain free’ is a
rope—and a tree.”
[4.5, 82.8, 0%, 11.5, 150]

729. Phew! Is That You?

His wife said, “Do you smell that?” He said, “No. You know I don’t have a dog’s nose, like
someone I know.” She said, “It’s a curse, not a blessing. If we were inside our apartment, I would
blame you. But we’re outside, in the ‘fresh’ air. But it’s not fresh. It smells like you know what.”
He said, “Well, don’t blame me. I took care of business before we left home. Maybe it’s your
imagination. Maybe your nose is going cuckoo from being so overactive.” But her nose isn’t going
haywire. Her nose is right on the—methane. Earth’s air is starting to go bad. Even though the great
outdoors seems unbounded, it doesn’t have a vent that scientists can open to “air out” the air. What
enters the air, stays in the air. In the future, ten-story cans of Febreze will encircle the Earth,
spritzing the air hourly.
[2.3, 92.9, 0%, 8.3, 150]
 730. Fat Fine Not Fine with Mom and Dad
In a memo to parents, the school principal said, “Being overweight can lead to many problems,
such as diabetes and heart disease. We’ve tried time and again to get our ‘well-rounded’ students
to slim down, but nothing seems to work. So now we’re going to try something new. For every
pound that a student is overweight, we’ll fine his parents a dollar. For example, if a student is 50
pounds overweight at the beginning of the school year, the fine will be $50. If that student loses 50
pounds by the end of the school year, we’ll refund the $50. We have to start fining parents because
money is the only thing that everyone understands.” Harmon called the principal. He asked,
“What’s next? Our kids are too short—fine us? Our kids are too ugly—fine us?” She said, “Of
course not. Being short and ugly doesn’t affect their health.”
[5.1, 78.3, 0%, 11.5, 150]

731. NYC Radio Station Going Spanish

NYC’s hip public radio station, WOLE, is preparing for a language change. Its American,
English-only announcers are all attending Spanish classes. They’re learning to roll their R’s.
They’re learning to soften their T’s. They’re learning to say AH for a, A for e, E for i, and OO for
u. They’re not learning to say O for o—they already know that. They’re adding Spanish
pronunciation to their English vocabulary. When an earthquake recently hit South America, an
American announcer said, “A 5.4 earthquake hit Chee-lay.” Americans who heard the news were
initially confused. What in the world, and where, was this Chee-lay? Dave called the station. He
asked the manager, “Why did the announcer say Chee-lay? In America, we say Chile, just like the
weather in January.” The manager said, “Our announcers are just practicing.” Dave asked,
“Practicing for what?” The manager said, “For when Spanish is on top.”
[6.7, 63.6, 0%, 9.3, 150]

732. Non-Geek Is an Apple Tech

Sam wanted to email a photo on his iPhone. But when he clicked on the photo, all he saw at the
bottom of the photo was Edit and a trashcan. Where is Send, he wondered. He asked his wife. She
tapped the phone twice. “There!” she said. He said, “Unbelievable! How’d you do that?” She said
that she’d already shown him three times and wasn’t going to show him again. “It’s not my fault,”
he said. “Technology is simply too complex.” The following week, he came home with a big grin
on his face. He told his wife, “Apple hired me. I’m now their chief non-geek. They test everything
on me. They give me a new product, and videotape me as I try to operate it. Then they eliminate or
redesign every feature that baffled me.” His wife said, “I’m so proud of you. You make their final
design idiot-proof!”
[3.1, 86.5, 0%, 7.8, 150]
 733. Take the Pill and Tell the Truth
He asked his wife where all their money was going. She said, “Don’t look at me. All I seem to
spend money on, besides groceries, is new underwear for you. Must you wear underwear till it’s
almost rotting off of you? How embarrassed you’ll be if a truck runs you over and the doctors and
nurses see your stained, holey underwear!” He said, “I won’t be embarrassed—I’ll be dead.” He
hated it when she threw out his broken-in underwear. Also, he suspected she was fibbing. He went
to his neighborhood shaman and bought a truth pill. He slipped it into his wife’s coffee the next
morning. He asked her where all their money was going. She repeated her earlier statement. Just to
test her truthfulness, he asked her lots of other questions. She passed his test with flying colors.
That pleased him; on the other hand, it disappointed him.
[3.9, 83.3, 0%, 10.0, 150]

734. President: No Cure for Racism

They had elected him to solve national problems, and that’s exactly what he did. He solved
poverty. He ordered all lottery administrators to decrease the sizes of the prizes. Where one
person used to win $100 million, now ten million people win $10. He solved unemployment. It’s
now zero percent. Everyone must share his job with someone else. Instead of one person having a
40-hour job, two persons have 20-hour jobs. He solved immigration. He eliminated all the
boundary markers all around the United States. “Borders are for bigots,” he said. But he didn’t
solve racism. “Even I can’t solve that,” he said, shaking his head. “As long as there are races,
there’ll be racism. Maybe in 1,000 generations, everyone’ll have light brown skin. But even then,
unless everyone also has the same color of eyes, and everyone has the same color and texture of
hair, there’ll still be racism.”
[6.6, 64.1, 0%, 9.5, 150]

735. Scientist: Racism to End Soon

“Racism in America ends with the next generation,” announced Greg Mendel at a press
conference. He had invented a tiny, liquid microprocessor that could be injected into humans.
“What’s my basis for this statement? It’s simple,” Greg said. “One, if there were only one race,
there’d be no racism. Two, perception is reality. Once my microprocessor is in a person’s
bloodstream, everyone he sees appears to be his own race. For example, if he’s black, everyone he
sees appears to be black. Whatever his color, the whole world appears to consist of people who
look the same exact color. Bingo! No more racism. I propose that my solution be optional for
everyone alive, but mandatory for all newborns. They will grow up thinking that theirs is the only
race on Earth. Once the United Nations sees how nonracist the new American generation is, all
babies worldwide will receive the shot.”
 [7.1, 62.8, 7.1%, 10.7, 150]

736. A Doctor, a Glove, a Finger

Rod’s health provider notified him to get a free prostate cancer screening. Rod had just gotten
a colonoscopy a week earlier. When it rains, it pours, he thought. He called his primary doctor and
got a referral to a urologist. Two weeks later, a urology technician took Rod’s blood sample and
asked for a urine sample. Later, the doctor came into the room. He asked Rod a few questions.
Then he asked Rod to drop his shorts and bend over the examination bed. The doctor lubed his
gloved hand. Rod bent over, with his forearms on the bed. “Unh!” Rod grunted, as the doctor
rammed his finger up inside Rod. A second later, the doctor withdrew his finger. Rod asked, “Is
that it? You’re done?” The doctor said, “Yep, that’s it. I’ve got a very sensitive finger. You’re okay.
See you next year!” No, you won’t, Rod thought, still smarting.
[3.9, 80.2, 0%, 7.5, 150]

737. NYC Schools: Kid Gloves for Kids

The head of New York City’s K-12 schools announced new penalties for various student
offenses. Many offenses that used to result in suspensions now result in infractions. A suspension
is a day or more off from school. An infraction is an hour or more in after-school study hall.
Offenses downgraded to infractions include smoking, drinking, cursing, spitting, fighting, stealing,
disrupting class, and defacing property. The only offense not downgraded is hitting a teacher.
That’s been reduced to a one-day suspension—plus one day for each day the teacher has to spend
in the hospital. Offenses upgraded to suspensions include making “racist, colorist, ethnist, religist,
ageist, sexist, gayist, weightist, heightist, uglist, or intelligist” remarks. Ms. Farina said, “We have
a new motto: ‘Words Can Hurt—Talk Nice.’ Our students must learn that mean words can cut like a
knife. And the scar they leave is just as permanent, just as ugly.”
[8.6, 57.0, 9.0%, 13.6, 150]

738. Earth: An Eon with No Neon

Stan awoke and peered out the window of his Bronx apartment. He saw gray sky. He’d hoped,
even though he knew better, to see yellow sun and blue sky. The unending gray sky had made China
its first home, and then it spread worldwide. Solar panels were the first casualty. Desperate to
save Earth, nations banned the use of fossil fuels. Even nuclear plants were shut down. Silence
settled over cities and towns as motors and engines stopped running. Ground, air, and sea
transportation became home to many. There was no heat or air-conditioning worldwide. There was
no running water. There was no electricity. At night, Earth was as dark as the dark side of the
moon. At least the Neanderthals had fire, Stan often thought. Tired of freezing every winter, he and
his wife had only one hope. Their names were on a long government waiting list—for Florida.
 [4.3, 80.5, 6.3%, 9.3, 150]

739. Do It without Doing It

Mark watched a GoPro video of someone’s nighttime dive off Manhattan’s Freedom Tower.
That was so cool, Mark thought. But something was missing. He had merely watched—not done.
He went into his basement lab. He invented “Be There.” Online, he invited doers to buy his
Sender. By using Sender with a GoPro camera, a doer could record everything that he sensed and
thought during, for example, a skydive. Then, after a watcher downloaded Mark’s Receiver (for a
small fee) and connected to the doer’s Sender (for a small fee), he could enjoy the skydive exactly
as the doer had enjoyed it. That is, the watcher could sense everything that the doer sensed, from
jumping into empty air, feeling the wind in his face, and feeling the chute catch air, to hitting the
ground. The watcher could experience the doer’s every thought and feeling—without ever stepping
out the door.
[7.0, 68.9, 0%, 13.6, 150]

740. You Say Burrito, I Hear Statico

Bob called NYC’s public radio station, WXTRAPC. He told the ombudsman, “You used to be
an American English station. Nowadays I’m hearing about 70-percent English, 20-percent Spanish,
and 10-percent Other. So, 30 percent of the time, I might as well be listening to static. You
interview someone somewhere, and you pronounce their name and their country fluently in their
native language. For example, your reporter introduces Frrahn-seesko from Cheelay. That’s static
to me. How about, Francisco from Chile? Then, to make communication—you’re supposed to be
communicating, you know—worse, your reporter translates what the interviewee is saying while
the interviewee is talking. Two voices, and two languages, at once! Hello—Communication 101,
one speaker at a time.” The ombudsman said, “Sir, perhaps you’d appreciate both voices more if
you learned a second language.” Bob said, “Never! I’m a flag-waving veteran. A second language
will never taint my all-American tongue.”
[8.1, 54.9, 0%, 10.2, 150]
 741. NO EASY WAY OUT FOR KILLER

THE LIBERAL SENATOR TOLD THE conservative governor, “You need to find a painless and
humane method to kill John Smith.” The governor said, “John Smith is a serial killer. We know he
killed 15 people; he claimed he killed 25 more. So, of course he deserves a painless, humane
death. But you didn’t want us to electrocute him, so I said we’ll gas him. You said that was too
slow, so I said we’ll shoot him. You said that was too noisy, so I said we’ll hang him. You said
that was too old-fashioned, so I said we’ll waterboard him. You said that was for terrorists. So,
after much thought, I’ve finally come up with something that I’m sure you’ll like. Let him die of old
age!” The senator said, “Of course not. Have you seen all the diseases that people get when they’re
old? That’s the worst death imaginable.”
[3.9, 84.4, 0%, 10.7, 150]

742. United States Not So United

Sue said, “My coworker ratted on me. She told my supervisor I left work fifteen minutes early
yesterday. Fifteen minutes, and she had to go tattle to the boss. I need to find another job.” Bill
said, “Well, good luck finding one where your coworkers won’t stab you in the back. When I was a
young man, I thought America was one big, happy family. All for one, and one for all. Ha! No way!
This country is not only every man for himself, but every group for itself: blacks versus whites,
Muslims versus Christians, and poor versus rich, to name a few.” She said, “Well, you omitted the
biggest ‘versus’ of all, and it’s worldwide, not just in America.” He asked, “I did? What’s that?”
She said, “Men versus women! This is the 21st century, and you still think we’re only good for
cooking, cleaning, and having your babies!”
[4.5, 79.9, 0%, 10.0, 150]

743. He’s Happy, He Whistles

His wife asked, “Why are you whistling?” He said, “Because I’ve become an optimist. I’m no
longer the pessimist with the long face that you complain about. Instead of worrying that something
bad is going to happen to me, I expect something bad to happen to me. For example, my doctor just
cut skin cancer out of my face. So I feel good, right? But I don’t feel good just because the cancer
is gone. Because I know something is going to take its place, something far worse. But so far,
whatever’s next, like terminal brain cancer, hasn’t struck me yet. When it does, it won’t be an
unpleasant surprise. I’m ready for it. But as long as it doesn’t hit me, it’s a pleasant surprise. I’m
still healthy. So, that’s why I feel good. That’s why I’m whistling.” His wife said, “Do you know
the melody for ‘Looney Tunes’?”
 [3.5, 86.2, 0%, 9.3, 150]

744. NYC: Kill the Golden Goose

New York City has a liberal city council. It thinks that the poor are too poor and the rich are
too rich. It doesn’t think anything about the middle class, because in NYC there isn’t any middle
class. The council had a plan. It would tax the rich and distribute the money to help the poor. The
mayor told the council speaker, “That’s a great idea. The rich should help their fellow New
Yorkers.” So, the council passed a new tax law. It worked very well for ten years. Then it stopped
working. The liberal rich were all broke; the conservative rich had all moved to Connecticut. The
only people still living in NYC were the poor. The mayor and the city council members had to take
a 99-percent pay cut. The mayor told the council speaker, “Your tax law was a stupid idea.” She
said, “We’re repealing it tomorrow!”
[3.9, 83.5, 0%, 10.0, 150]

745. After Mohs, Dr. Sohs, Cancer Gohs

He slowly peeled the two Band-Aids off his face. They covered some ointment on his cheek
and nose. The ointment covered about 25 stitches. The stitches were a result of recent Mohs
surgery for skin cancer. Using his fingers and soap and water, he removed the ointment. He rinsed
his face. Then he opened the tube of ointment. He squeezed a glob of ointment onto a Q-tip and
applied the ointment to all the stitches. “Keep them moist,” his doctor had said. Once he’d
moistened the whole area, he put a couple of new Band-Aids on his face. He did this twice a day
for five days. On the fifth day, he went to the doctor’s office. She wiped the ointment off his face
and removed all the stitches. “You look good,” she said. He smiled. She was being nice. But, more
important, he felt good. He was cancer free.
[2.6, 91.2, 0%, 8.3, 150]

746. Pure Energy, She’ll Never Die

“Mary” saw a halo of light. It said, “Hello.” She said, “Hello. Am I in heaven?” It said, “I’m
afraid not.” She gasped. “Am I in hell?” The halo said, “There is no hell, and there is no heaven.
There is no ‘Earth.’ There are no people, or plants, or animals. There isn’t even me. There’s only
you. And you are only energy. You, and you alone, constitute the universe. Your energy fuels your
imagination. Your imagination constantly creates new ‘lives’ on ‘Earth’ for you. Each life seems
real. You are born, you live, and you die. Each life seems like many years, but lasts only a fraction
thereof. You have already lived millions of lives. They all seemed real, but none of them were.
The only thing real is you, as energy. You have no shape. You have no substance. You have existed
forever, and you will exist forever.”
[2.8, 85.1, 0%, 6.0, 150]
 747. March 31—The Day Dad Died
My dad, 87, was in a hospital room in Alabama awaiting gall bladder surgery. I called him
Tuesday morning. We talked for five minutes. Several times he said, “I’m out of breath.” Then he
started coughing. Then he threw up. He said he had to go. It was 10:10. I should’ve called Mom.
She would have immediately driven over to the hospital and sat with Dad. She would have
screamed at the nurses and doctors to “Do something!” I didn’t even call the nurses’ station to say
he’d just thrown up. My dad had to suffer all alone, “out of breath” for three more hours, until he
coded at 1:00. They revived him. Then they took him to CCU, and he coded again. He died at 4:20
p.m. Had I called Mom at 10:10, Dad might still be alive. Instead, I’m still alive, with this regret
to relive every day.
[4.4, 77.6, 0%, 8.3, 150]

748. VA Job Interview Goes S

Bob took the B train to get to a 10 o’clock interview at 245 West Houston. Unemployed, Bob
hoped to shine at his Veterans Affairs interview. The three interviewers introduced themselves.
The interviewer wearing the pink shirt reminded Bob of someone he disliked. Early on, Bob
realized that the interview wasn’t going well. The interviewers asked difficult questions about the
VA. Bob was clueless. Equally vexing was that “Mr. Pink” began each of his questions to Bob by
saying Bob’s name slowly, as one might address a child—or a moron. After Mr. Pink began with
“B-o-b” the third time, Bob interrupted, saying, “Excuse me, why do you keep repeating my
name?” Mr. Pink said, “Well, ‘Bob’ is your name, isn’t it?” Bob said, “I asked you why. You know,
‘why.’” Slowly, Bob spelled, “W-h-y.” Mr. Pink said, “That’s funny—you, condescending to me.
This interview is over. That’s o-v-e-r.”
[4.9, 76.4, 0%, 9.5, 150]

749. Divorce Means “I Love You”?!

Joe swore that his ex-wife still loved him. Mel laughed. “She divorced you. She said that she
no longer loves you. She said she was tired of you always breaking your promises and always
apologizing for breaking them. She said in the beginning you were her king, her everything. Now,
that’s all changed. She moved uptown, and she never gave you her new address. She doesn’t text
or talk to you. So, how in the world can you possibly think that she still loves you?” Joe said, “It’s
real simple. If she didn’t love me, she wouldn’t mind seeing me and talking to me every day; I’d be
just another guy. But by refusing to talk to me or see me, it proves how much she still loves me,
because it hurts her so much being with me but not being able to be with me permanently. Isn’t that
obvious?”
[3.1, 90.0, 0%, 10.7, 150]
 750. Everyone Is Too Darn Sensitive
He asked, “Whatever happened to freedom of speech, our most important freedom?” She said,
“Nothing happened to it. It’s still part of the First Amendment.” He said, “Well, you better check
your Bill of Rights. They rewrote the First Amendment. It now says, ‘you have freedom of speech
only if your speech is politically correct,’ or ‘PC,’ as everyone says. And the PC police are
everywhere. Nowadays you have to talk nice about everyone and everything. For example, I used
to crack a lot of fat jokes. Now I can’t even say ‘fat.’ You can’t say anything even slightly negative
about someone’s race, color, religion, creed, gender, ethnicity, or age. You can’t talk about
politics, abortion, immigration, living wages, or gun control without getting into an argument. So
what’s left that I’m ‘free’ to express my honest opinion about?” She asked, “Did you hear whether
it’s going to rain tomorrow?”
[6.7, 65.6, 0%, 10.7, 150]

751. It’s NYC: Pee Anywhere You Want

The city council thinks New York City has too many laws. It wants to decriminalize certain
activities. Decriminalization will result in fewer people going to jail. People will simply pay a
fine, as they do for a parking ticket, instead of dealing with a criminal charge. For example, if
someone pees on a sidewalk, or on a subway platform, or in a subway car, he’ll pay a fine, say $1.
If he poos in public, maybe $2. If he drinks alcohol in public, or litters, or jumps subway
turnstiles, he’ll pay a fine. The police commissioner said, “This is a slippery slope. If you
decriminalize A and B, why not C and D? E and F? Why not decriminalize robbery? Taken to the
extreme, why not decriminalize murder? Murder someone, pay a $10,000 fine. Sounds crazy now,
but given enough time, it’ll get a green light, just like same-sex marriage.”
[6.7, 65.6, 0%, 10.7, 150]

752. Mayor’s No Biker-Liker

The mayor ignored the daily complaints about “psycho-lists” running amok on New York City
streets. It didn’t bother her that adult cyclists sped on sidewalks, or that cyclists rode the wrong
way on one-way streets, or that cyclists ignored stop signs and traffic lights, or that cyclists didn’t
use headlights and taillights after dark. None of these things bothered Her Honor—until a cyclist
ran into her son, Dante, while he was walking and texting on the sidewalk. He spent several weeks
in Lenox Hill Hospital. Police didn’t find the culprit. But errant cyclists were soon to regret
Dante’s mishap. A new regulation appeared in NYC media and in subway cars and stations a
month after Dante left the hospital. It warned cyclists that violating certain bicycle laws would
result in the immediate seizure and prompt auction of the violator’s bicycle. To Citi Bike’s dismay,
the regulation included rental bikes.
 [9.3, 57.9, 0%, 16.6, 150]

753. Warm Thoughts in the Wee Hours

I woke up at 2 a.m. I had to pee, of course. When I turned on the bathroom light, it hurt my
eyes. How can light hurt your eyes? I thought your eyes and brain can’t feel pain. But then if your
brain can’t hurt, how can you have a headache? How can I be over 60 and still have more
questions than a six-year-old? Why do I have to use the bathroom in the middle of the night? The
web is crawling with brain-training exercises; where are the bladder-training exercises? But at
least there’s a silver lining to having to get up out of a warm bed in the middle of the night. It’s
being able to get back into a warm bed in the middle of the night. And the icing on the cake is being
able to go to sleep for the second time in one night.
[3.5, 90.2, 0%, 12.5, 150]

754. NYPD Ignores Fruit, Van in Brooklyn St.

At 10 a.m. “Red” looked out his bedroom window onto busy Ocean Avenue six floors below.
The Russian church next door was having its Saturday yard sale. An old green van was double-
parked in the northbound lane closest to the church. At 8 p.m. the yard sale was long over, but the
broken-down van was still there, forcing vehicles to go around it. At 11 p.m. the van owner placed
a large cardboard box, with a tray of ripe tomatoes clearly visible on top, 20 feet behind his van.
At 1 a.m. a lone pedestrian walked off with the tray. Sunday morning, the van owner exited his
unticketed van and walked back to the box. He picked it up and put it into his van. Late that night,
he placed the box back in the street. This time, the cardboard tray on top of the box was full of
oranges.
[6.0, 78.2, 10%, 15.0, 150]

755. She’s All He’s Left With

Bruce could not put her out of his head. Little things that he did every day reminded him of her.
He couldn’t wash his dishes without hearing her saying, “Rinse them thoroughly!” He couldn’t
brush his teeth without seeing her standing at the bathroom sink, her toothbrush in her right hand
and a cup of water in her left hand, brushing and gargling and spitting, over and over. He couldn’t
take his socks off without thinking of her tiny feet, and how she loved his massaging them before
going to sleep. Day and night, he couldn’t listen to any love song without thinking of her. Had
almost every love song in the world been written just about her? Then Percy Sledge died. That day
many radio and TV stations played Percy’s peerless “When a Man Loves a Woman.” That love
song is different, Bruce thought. It was written about him.
[5.3, 80.7, 9.1%, 13.6, 150]
 756. Twixt B Train and Platform
At 8 a.m. Charley was waiting at the north end of the Sheepshead Bay platform for the
northbound B. When it pulled up, Charley followed others onto the train. Except he forgot one
thing. He forgot to put his left foot onto the train. Instead, he put his left foot into the 5-inch gap.
His whole leg plunged into the gap. Charley found himself sitting on the platform; he couldn’t get
up. Immediately, two strangers on the platform grabbed him from front and behind and pulled him
up to his feet. Dazed, Charley thanked them and stepped onto the train. The doors tried to close on
him, but he squeezed through and grabbed a seat. He shook his head. How could I have missed the
whole train, he thought. It’s so big, and the gap’s so small. Those two saved my life, he thought, as
blood trickled down his calf.
[2.5, 94.6, 0%, 10.7, 150]

757. Which Is Worse to Be Fired For?

Jesse was a new hire at a NYC agency. It was the third Wednesday of a four-month training
class. The teacher told everyone to log on to their computers and log into the agency’s Intranet. She
warned them, “Remember your handouts. Violating our computer regulations could result in
discipline or dismissal.” At day’s end, everyone logged off. But expecting an important email,
Jesse clicked on Google and then g-mail. The teacher walked by his desk. She said, “Why are you
on the Internet?” Jesse said, “I’m sorry,” and immediately logged off. That evening he couldn’t
sleep. All he did was worry. Are they going to fire me tomorrow, he wondered. If asked why he
was online, his only defense was that he forgot. But that’s no good, he thought. Nobody wants an
employee who can’t remember simple rules. Saying “I forgot” is no better than saying “I felt like
it.”
[5.0, 74.3, 0%, 8.8, 150]

758. Classmate’s Tooth Fails to Interest Her

Leon and Leslie sat next to each other in class. Monday afternoon Leslie said, “Tonight I’m
going to my Bible meeting.” Next morning, Leon asked how her Bible meeting went. Leslie
excitedly told him everything about the meeting. Then she said, “Tonight I’m going to visit my sick
aunt.” Next morning, Leon asked Leslie how her visit went. She excitedly told him everything
about her aunt. Then Leslie said, “Tonight I’m going to a poetry reading.” Next morning, Leon
asked her about the reading. She excitedly told him everything about the poets and their poems.
When she finished, Leon said, “I’m dreading tonight. I’m seeing my dentist for a root canal. I’ve
never had one before. I’m really nervous!” Next morning, Leon waited for Leslie to ask how his
root canal went. Instead, she excitedly told him all about the Far Rockaway wedding she was
going to the next day.
 [5.8, 70.4, 0%, 9.3, 150]

759. Teacher Dislikes Student’s Questions

Brevin was in a 40-hour class on agency application forms. He wasn’t the teacher’s pet. She
acknowledged each of his questions with a sigh, a headshake, a reminder to take better notes or to
listen better, or a dismissive “asked and answered.” One afternoon, she said to fill in the space for
“landlord” with the tenant’s name. Brevin asked, “How can a ‘tenant’ be a ‘landlord’?” She said,
“I knew you’d get hung up on that! I knew you’d get hung up on that!” Irritated, Brevin said, “If you
knew I’d get ‘hung up’ on it, why didn’t you explain it in the first place? And pardon me for getting
‘hung up.’ After all, it makes perfect sense. A tenant is a landlord! So, I guess an apartment is a
building. A window is a door. A doorknob is a teacher.” She glared at him and continued with her
instructions.
[3.8, 85.1, 0%, 10.0, 150]

760. Memorial Day Honors “Deterans”

It was a warm, sunny holiday in Sheepshead Bay. On Emmons Avenue, Godfrey walked by one
busy restaurant after another, except for one that was completely empty. Godfrey shook his head.
How frustrated the owner must feel to see customers enjoying themselves on both sides of his
restaurant, but not one customer in his own restaurant. As Godfrey continued walking east, a
teenage boy skateboarded up to him and stopped. He said, “Mister, is today a holiday for living
soldiers or dead ones? Tell my sister, please.” He handed Godfrey his mobile phone. Godfrey
said, “Hello. Memorial Day is for all our soldiers killed in all our wars. If those million brave
soldiers hadn’t died, you’d both be in school today.” She said, “Really? Well, I’m sure glad they
did. I hate school!” Godfrey handed the phone back to the boy, who said, “See? I told you!” and
skated off.
[5.2, 73.8, 0%, 9.3, 150]

761. Painter Wants 10% of Each Resale

A lifelong bird lover, Bob painted only birds. But his paintings of birds looked nothing like the
real thing. To help viewers “see” his birds, Bob entitled his paintings: Birds in the Sky, Birds in a
Tree, Birds on a Wire, etc. Still, viewers usually said, “Birds? What birds? I don’t see any birds.”
Naturally, art lovers eventually came to revere Bob’s “birds.” His first painting, which he’d
originally sold for $100, later resold for a million dollars. Bob said, “That’s not fair. I deserve
part of the resale. From now on, whenever I sell a painting, I’ll require the buyer to give me 10
percent of whatever he gets if he resells it. Ditto for successive buyers.” Bob’s wife said, “But
what if the resale price goes down? Won’t you have to pay someone 10 percent? That’s only fair,
too.” Bob said, “Of course not. That’s being too fair!”
 [4.1, 81.1, 0%, 8.8, 150]

762. No Cussing at the Customers

Jason worked in a call center. He and his coworkers all received the minimum wage. One day
Jason complained about the job and the pay. His manager said, “What are you complaining about?
You work indoors. You’re not working outside in the freezing cold. You sit at a desk. You’re not
standing on an assembly line. You talk on the phone all day. You’re not digging ditches. And no
other worker is getting paid more than you. Now get back to work!” Every week, Jason disliked
his job more. One day an angry caller demanded to speak to his supervisor. Jason put her on hold.
Then, changing his voice, he said, “I’m the supervisor. How may I help you?” The lady said, “The
man I was talking to called me ‘stupid.’ How dare he say that!” Jason “the supervisor” said, “I’m
so sorry, ma’am. But he’s right. You are stupid!”
[3.2, 83.7, 4.5%, 6.8, 150]

763. Her 20-Second Talk Rule

The man, a stranger to Bobbie, was visiting New York City for the first time. Just after
ascending the subway station stairwell, he asked her which way was north. After pointing up
Broadway, Bobbie said, “Now be careful where you step while you’re walking. They should call
our sidewalks ‘poop decks,’ because so many dogs use them for their business. And don’t walk
under electrical wires that pigeons are standing on. You never know when—.” Bobbie suddenly
stopped talking. The stranger looked at her, and she looked at him. He said, “When what?” She
said, “Oh, I’m sorry. My personal rule is to stop talking about every 20 seconds. Over the years,
I’ve realized that very few people listen to me for even 20 seconds.” He said, “But you only talked
for about ten seconds.” She said, “Well, 20 seconds is actually my goal. I usually settle for ten.”
[5.2, 75.2, 0%, 9.9,150]

764. Thank You for Your Service

While awaiting their trainer, the students were comparing their list numbers. Appointment to
their class had required a high list number, which derived primarily from each student’s NYC civil
service exam score. Everyone had divulged his unique list number except Nate, who was the
quietest, but not the sharpest, student in class. Sara asked, “What’s your number, Nate?” He softly
replied, “One.” His classmates murmured. Ben said, “I bet you’re a vet.” Nate said, “Yes. Iraq.”
Ben said, “See? It’s not fair. Just for being a vet, Nate got an extra five points. That’s why he’s
number one, and I’m only number two.” Nate rose from his chair. Angry, he said, “Just for being a
vet? Have you ever seen your best friend lose both his legs to an IED? It’s people like me who
have made this country free for people like you to complain about people like me!”
[3.4, 86.2, 0%, 8.8, 150]
 765. Her Oral Garlic Garden
It was the fourth day of a four-month class. Rose walked into the classroom. She smiled and
said hello, and Ned reciprocated. Rose was friendly and pretty. Ned liked everything about her
except for one thing. She sat down next to Ned. Immediately the garlic hit him. Ned wondered yet
again, Doesn’t anyone in her family, doesn’t her best friend, doesn’t even a total stranger ever say
anything to her about her garlic breath? Doesn’t she ever get a whiff of herself? How could she not
have a clue? Does her brand of garlic promise No Garlic Breath? How could she believe that?
Ned dared not mention her garlic odor to Rose, of course, because she would probably hate him
for life. Ned complained to his wife about Rose. His wife said, “Fight fire with fire.” The next
morning, Ned ate two cloves of garlic just before entering the classroom.
[4.0, 82.8, 0%, 9.3, 150]

766. Why NYC’s Called “The Big Apple”

Lois asked, “Daddy, why do they call it ‘The Big Apple’?” He said, “Many moons ago, our
ancestors landed on Manhattan. They saw red apples lying on the ground, and they saw silver fish
leaping in the Hudson. They decided to stay. They built themselves a village and started a new life.
It wasn’t long before they wanted to buy the whole island. The chief of the island tribe said, ‘Make
me an offer I can’t refuse.’ So they baked a huge apple pie for his family. It was the First
Americans’ first pie. They loved it. They pleaded for second helpings. Our ancestors said, ‘Here’s
the deal. Sell us your island, and we’ll bake you a big pie every day.’ The deal became known as
‘The Big Apple Pie Buy.’ Over time, of course, people shortened it to ‘The Big Apple.’” Lois
said, “Daddy, did you make that up?”
[3.4, 86.7, 6.3%, 9.3, 150]

767. One Year Living in a Globe

The performance artist picked up the cigarette butt and threw it into the trash. Smokers!, she
thought. Lyn had spent her adult life trying to encourage the public to stop polluting the earth. But
people continued to befoul Mother Nature’s air, water, and soil. How can I wake people up, Lyn
wondered. She specially ordered a 50-foot-diameter plastic globe. In it, she stashed a year’s
supply of food and water, greenery to provide oxygen, an air mattress to sleep on, and enough pipe
tobacco to fill several bowls a day. There was no toilet. Museum workers sealed the two halves of
the globe. As months went by, museum visitors watched the globe fill with smoke, trash, and
human waste. When Lyn emerged at year’s end, international media were there. TV talk shows
feted her. But then, a celebrity athlete announced his sex change, and everyone forgot about Lyn’s
global warning.
[6.2, 70.6, 0%, 11.6, 150]
 768. Honklyn, New Honk City, The Honx
Lucy’s car was a lead car at a Brooklyn intersection. She said, “I hate intersections.” Ethel
said, “Why’s that? You should be used to intersections. After all, you’ve been driving for 20
years.” Lucy said, “Yes, and you might remember my hair started turning gray 19 years ago. Why?
Because of impatient honkers behind me. Just wait. When that light’s only half-green, the guy
behind me will honk loud and long. DMV must have changed its road test rules right after I got my
license. It must have started giving new drivers extra points for honking at ‘sluggish’ drivers in
front of them. Every time I’m the lead car at an intersection, I feel like I’m participating in a
National Hot Rod drag race.” The red light was still partially red and the green light was only
partially green when the driver behind Lucy blasted his horn. H-O-N-K!! She sighed.
[4.8, 79.4, 0%, 9.3, 150]

769. The Unhappy Lemonade Man

At Sheepshead Bay, Clay started walking down the steps from the Q platform to the street
below. The stairwell was full of people going places. In front of Clay was an old lady using a
cane. Behind him was an impatient teen. The teen stepped on the back of Clay’s foot. He didn’t
apologize. Clay said “lemonade” to himself about ten times. Then a wrong-way bicyclist nearly hit
Clay while he was crossing the street. Clay tried to imagine a refreshing glass of lemonade. When
he got home, he told his wife, “Well, your lemonade idea didn’t work. It didn’t help me turn
today’s lemons into lemonade. You can’t turn lemons into lemonade without sugar, and there’s no
sugar to be found when people are constantly assaulting you in one way or another. There’s only
bitterness. Lemons plus bitterness makes what?” She said, “It makes for a long, unhappy life.”
[4.9, 77.6, 6.6%, 10.0, 150]

770. The Happy Lemonade Man

The Sheepshead Bay stairwell was jammed with straphangers trudging up and trudging down.
Graham patiently followed an old lady limping down each step, while an impatient teen followed
Graham. The teen accidentally stepped on the back of Graham’s foot, but didn’t apologize. Graham
immediately imagined himself sitting at a table enjoying an icy lemonade on a hot summer day.
Outside the station, a wrong-way bicyclist almost hit Graham while he was crossing the street.
Again, Graham imagined himself sipping a refreshing glass of lemonade. When he got home, he
told his wife, “Well, I didn’t think it would work, but you were right. Two people today really
irritated me, but instead of dwelling on them and stewing, I calmed down immediately by thinking
of sipping a cool lemonade on a hot day.” His wife said, “I knew it would work. I’ve been using it
for years to cope with you.”
[8.0, 64.1, 0%, 15.0, 150]
 771. Why Do People Write Stories?
Jude asked, “Mommy, why are there so many stories? The Bible has stories, Dr. Seuss has
stories, my teacher has stories, and you and daddy have stories. Everyone has stories! I think
there’s too many stories. I couldn’t ever read them all, even if I lived to be as old as you are. So
why do people keep writing stories? Don’t they know we don’t have time to read them all?” She
said, “You’re right, honey. We can’t possibly read them all in one lifetime. But people keep writing
stories because they have something to say. And they think what they have to say will interest other
people. So they share their stories.” Jude said, “I have a story. Do you want me to share it with
you?” She said, “Sure!” He said, “I saw Sis kissing a boy in the back of the bus today! For a long
time!”
[2.8, 90.1, 0%, 8.8, 150]

772. Happy Father’s Day in Heaven

Dear Dad,
You’re in heaven now. Mom and I’ll be joining you there eventually. I visit her every weekend.
I think she’s adjusted to your absence. When she talks about you now, she sounds strong; she never
tears up. She’ll probably be joining you next, and then I’ll be following her. I can’t wait to see you
two together again. You were like two parts of a picture puzzle; you were different, but you were a
perfect match. Of course, you should still be together here on Earth. Not a day goes by that I don’t
think of you lying in your hospital bed that morning, telling me over the phone, “I’m out of breath.”
Not a day goes by that I don’t kick myself for not alerting the hospital staff. You died that afternoon
because I failed you that morning. You gave me life, Dad; I gave you death.
[3.3, 87.6, 0%, 11.3, 150]

773. Liberal NYC Liberates Street Signs

A magazine article said many tourists weren’t getting to meet real New Yorkers. Many weren’t
getting to see the real New York City. Instead, all they saw were high-priced tourist traps. His
Honor the mayor held a contest to make NYC more tourist friendly. The winning suggestion was
simple: Remove all the street signs. That wouldn’t be difficult, since half of them were already
missing. Street crews removed the remaining signs, and tourists started getting lost immediately.
But while wandering around lost, they got to see “new” parts of NYC. While wandering around
lost, they got to meet “new” NYers who helped them find their way. The mayor’s husband said,
“It’s a win-win.” The mayor said, “No, it’s a win-win-win. Tourists discover more NYC areas,
tourists meet more real NYers, and NYC saves on street sign maintenance costs. Next month,
we’re going to remove street numbers from all the buildings!”
[5.7, 74.4, 0%, 11.5, 150]
 774. Get Your Buzz from Being Busy
The teens were at a party. One said, “I like the buzz I get from tequila.” Another said, “I like
the buzz I get from scotch.” Another said, “Nothing beats the buzz you get from bourbon.” Another
said, “The best buzz is from French wine.” Another said, “If you want a nice buzz, try homemade
beer.” Another said, “Who needs booze? The best buzz is from nicotine.” Another said, “You’re
all wrong. The best buzz is from weed, which, by the way, is 100-percent natural!” The youngest
teen said, “What’s the matter with you guys? What’s with all this ‘buzz’ talk? Are you honeybees?
Look at you! You aren’t even 20, and you’re already praising drugs over the natural high of life
itself. Without a single drug, life’s an adventure of surprises. Do you want to be really ‘cool’?
Drop the drugs and alcohol. Lift the glass of life!”
[3.3, 84.8, 0%, 7.8, 150]

775. Fly the Formerly Friendly Skies

Seeking approval from FAA, Smelta Airlines proposed several changes. It wants to reduce the
size of carry-on luggage “approximately 20 percent.” According to measurements submitted to
FAA, the new luggage size would actually be the size of a man’s size 12E shoebox. Smelta said the
new size would minify light travelers’ decision-making about “What to pack?” Its other changes
involved price and seat location. It wants to charge lighter people less, and heavier people more.
For example, it would charge a 100-pound person $100 one-way. It would charge a 150-pound
person $150, and so on. Further, it would seat people according to their weight. The lightest
people would sit up front; the heaviest would sit in the back. Smelta said this proposal would help
passengers become more weight-conscious and help its planes achieve faster take-offs. Cynics
predict FAA will allow “a whole day” for public comments before rubber-stamping Smelta’s
proposals.
[8.0, 58.0, 0%, 12.6, 150]

776. She Has a Police Artist Face

Cliff was walking up Flatbush Avenue one morning. When he got to Bergen Street, he saw an
actress with her 6-year-old daughter waiting to cross Flatbush. Cliff had seen this woman in a
movie recently. At first, he thought her face was odd-looking, as if different parts of it belonged to
different people. But by the time the movie ended, Cliff thought she was the most beautiful actress
on the planet! And now, there she was, standing in front of him. Never at a loss for words, Cliff
walked up to her and said, “Hi. I just want to tell you that you are the prettiest woman in the world,
even though your eyes and cheeks don’t match your nose and lips.” The actress looked at him and
said, “Thank you, I think.” The traffic light changed. Crossing the street, the little girl said,
“Mommy, you shouldn’t have thanked him.”
 [4.6, 85.8, 0%, 13.7, 150]

777. Rebel Flag Goes South

The President said, “The Confederate flag sells, salutes, and sanctions racism. Therefore, I’ve
just signed an executive order banning public display of the flag itself or its public use as a logo on
caps, T-shirts, et cetera. However, if southerners want to display the flag and related items inside
the privacy of their own homes, that’s okay, as long as they keep the blinds closed. After all, free
speech at home is the least that Americans can expect from their government. Now, because I know
this ban won’t be seen as ‘enough,’ I’m ordering the destruction of all statuary related to the
Confederate cause. Also, because Washington and Jefferson owned slaves, I’m ordering the
destruction of their monuments in Washington, D.C., and their mansions. Finally, I’m removing
their likenesses from our money. I’m confident that when all these symbols of racism disappear,
racism in our great country will also disappear.”
[10.5, 53.0, 12%, 18.7, 150]

778. General Lee Becomes Unperson

The President said, “General Robert E. Lee was a great commander, but he fought for the
South and for slavery. Many southerners still admire the general. But admiring the general means
admiring racism. We can’t have that. This country has too many divisive issues as it is. Therefore,
to eliminate racism, I have ordered the destruction of General Lee’s memorial and all statues
honoring him. Further, I have ordered the removal or destruction of all paintings, photos, articles,
and books about the general. Unfortunately, even without such reminders, we still have the word
‘lee.’ Every time someone sees that word, they’re going to think about General Lee and racism. So,
I’ve ordered that ‘l-e-e’ be changed to ‘l-y’ in dictionaries and elsewhere, including Google. From
now on, people can wear their Ly jeans or eat Sara Ly cheesecakes or argue about Ly Harvey
Oswald, all without promoting, or perceiving, racism.”
[9.1, 53.6, 0%, 13.6, 150]

779. The Red Pencil Family

George was at a family reunion. He said, “Boy, it sure is hot today.” His younger sister said,
“It’s not as hot as it was yesterday.” His older sister said, “You should have been here last
Saturday. Now, that was hot. I think it set some kind of state record.” His older brother said, “You
want hot? You should have tried sitting on the leather seats in my car this morning.” His younger
brother said, “No, hot was my bedroom last night after the AC broke down. My sheet was soaked
in my own sweat this morning.” His mother said, “It’s not the heat. It’s the humidity.” His father
said, “Do you people ever talk about anything except the weather?” George said, “No, Dad. We
learned a long time ago that the weather is about the only thing that we agree on.” His father said,
“Agree?! That’s a good one.”
[3.1, 87.8, 0%, 8.8, 150]

780. White Trainee vs. Black Trainee

Sue was training for a job with a NYC agency. She was with other trainees in a domestic
violence class in Harlem. During class and as an aside, the trainer told a personal story regarding
a recent news incident. James followed up with, “Well, look at the judges in that state. They’re all
white.” The trainer went back to domestic violence. Sue interrupted. “Excuse me, but what James
just said sounded racist.” James said he’d simply made an observation. Sue said, “Oh. Okay. Well,
has anyone noticed that all the trainers in all our classes have been black?” James said, “What’s
that supposed to mean? Do you have a problem with black trainers?” Sue said, “I was just making
an observation.” James said, “That’s it? Just an ‘observation’? That’s hard to believe.” Sue said,
“Exactly. Who makes pointless observations? Nobody says something like, say, ‘They’re all
white,’ without a reason.”
[4.4, 76.0, 0%, 7.1, 150]

781. Dumbest Honker in NYC

Honkers were hurting NYers’ eardrums. Hizzoner called a car manufacturer, who said, “No
problem. We can electrify the horn. The more you use it, the stronger the shock you get. Or, we
could make the horn ‘renewable.’ You only get 50 honks. When you run out of honks, you have to
buy more honks.” The mayor loved both ideas, but the governor didn’t. The mayor’s wife made a
suggestion. She said, “Let’s have a monthly ‘Win, Place, Show’ contest. We’ll give ribbons to the
dumbest honkers we can find. Maybe we can embarrass people into stopping honking.” Five
weeks later, at city hall, the mayor feted the top three honkers. “Show” won for honking at an old
lady using a walker in a crosswalk. “Place” won for honking in a $350 “Don’t Honk” zone. “Win”
won for honking at 10 cars in front of him waiting on a red light.
[4.0, 82.8, 0%, 9.3, 150]

782. SCOTUS Okays Same-Sex Marriage

The Supreme Court, in a 5-4 decision Friday, approved same-sex marriage nationwide.
President Obama called the decision a “victory for America.” The White House, using colorful
lighting, became the Rainbow House that evening. Nyers danced outside the Stonewall Inn while
same-sex partners kissed and hugged one another. The LGBTQ community lauded the decision.
Said one NYer, “Does it get any better than this? We can now get married in all 50 states. And our
marriages are lawful. Our love for our partner is recognized as a legal union. Love has won;
bigotry has lost.” An evangelist said, “What does Obama mean, it’s a ‘victory for America’? I’m
an American. It’s no victory for me or other American Christians. It’s no victory for the Bible,
America’s only path to salvation. Just as those sinners fought for this decision, we’re going to fight
to reverse it. And God is on our side.”
[7.2, 58.5, 6.25%, 9.3, 150]

783. Getting to Know You

The two NYC agency trainees were sitting by themselves at a table. They were both young and
attractive. It was break time. They had first met a day ago. She said, “So, tell me about yourself.
What are you for, and what are you against?” He said, “Well, I’m for baseball, mom, and apple
pie.” She said, “You’re a good American. What else?” He said, “I’m for 100-percent cotton and
for fresh produce.” She said, “That’s five for’s. How about against? You must be against a thing or
two.” He said, “Yep. I’m against talking about religion and politics. The last time I talked about
religion, my mom got mad at me. The last time I talked about politics, my dad got mad at me. I
don’t want you to get mad at me, so let me change the subject. Are you for, or against, having
dinner with me tonight?”
[2.8, 88.9, 0%, 7.9, 150]

784. Divided States of America

It’s the future. The United States, population one billion, is as crowded as a rush hour 6 train.
Crowded people are irritable people. Irritable people argue, fight, and kill. The President
declared, “We can’t go on like this. The first thing that too many people do when someone irritates
them is to call that person a name, usually related to his race. We’re supposed to be a melting pot,
but we’re still a tossed salad. So, my new executive order divides the U.S.A. into ten geographical
areas. One area will be exclusively white people, another area solely black people, and so on. The
tenth area will be only mixed races. Maybe absence’ll make the heart grow fonder, and we’ll all
get back together sometime.” However, within each area people continued to argue, fight, and kill.
The President told his wife, “Well, at least we got rid of racial hate crimes.”
[6.9, 65.9, 0%, 11.5, 150]

785. I’m Shocked, I Tell You—Shocked!

A passenger plane crashed into George Washington’s nose on Mt. Rushmore when the pilot
decided to commit front-page suicide. “Why?!” implored handsome anchors. The world was
shocked. Eugene, a jaded New Yorker, yawned. Wait till next week, he thought. Sure enough, the
following week a space rocket delivering supplies crashed into the space station, blowing both
vehicles into smithereens and killing hundreds on Earth. The world was shocked. Five different
terrorist groups claimed responsibility. Eugene yawned. Wait till next week, he thought. Sure
enough, the following week, a prankster hacked into the U.S. power grid, shutting down all
electrical power nationwide for a week. Thousands died in disabled elevators. The world was
shocked. Eugene yawned. Wait till next week, he thought. Sure enough, the following week brought
shocking news. But this time it was Eugene who was shocked. On his Monday morning subway
ride to work, Eugene found a seat!
[5.4, 70.9, 0%, 8.3, 150]

786. Cluck, Cluck!

Luke Smith was a trainee for a NYC agency. He was at a field office for two days with Max,
another trainee. Luke was 55; Max was 35. The director told them to go to Section A for that day’s
training. Two workers were waiting for them there. The female worker said, “Hi, Mr. Smith.
Please have a seat and just watch what I do.” The male worker, who looked 25, called out to Max,
“Hey, buddy! Come over here, and I’ll teach you a thing or two. You can call me Mr. J.” “Junior”
had better not call me “buddy,” Luke thought, or I’ll teach him a thing or two. The next day, Luke
was reading a motivational poster on the office wall. Walking past him, Mr. J said, “That’s a nice-
looking shirt, buddy!” Luke wanted to yell, “Don’t call me buddy, buddy!” Instead, he quietly said,
“Thank you.”
[3.0, 89.5, 0%, 10.0, 150]

787. Teacher Insults Slow Student

Nelson was in a beginner computer class for adults. He had been struggling, much to his
teacher’s growing annoyance. One evening Mrs. Brown handed out a teacher evaluation form. It
was for the previous night’s substitute teacher. The form had a space for the student’s name. Nelson
asked, “Our name isn’t mandatory, is it?” Mrs. Brown said, “Look at the instructions. They say
your name is optional.” Nelson quickly reread the instructions. He said, pointedly, “No, the
instructions don’t say the name is optional. In fact, they don’t say anything about printing our
name.” She glared at him. She said, “Do you know your name?” He looked at her. “Excuse me?! Of
course I know my name. What kind of question is that?” She said, “Then you figure out what to do
with your name. I’m not going to get into an hour-long discussion with you about a stupid form.”
[3.6, 82.6, 0%, 7.8, 150]

788. Bad Habits Are to Be Enjoyed

Maria owned many books on magic potions. All of the potions had antidotes, which were
handy on the occasions when she turned rude people into frogs. She’d always used the potions
locally, but one day she decided to go international with an exciting new potion. The world will
soon be a better place, she thought. She spritzed the potion from her fourth-floor walkup in the
Bronx. A month later, everyone on Earth who had self-destructive habits changed for the better.
Smokers stopped smoking. Drinkers stopped drinking. Overeaters stopped overeating. Gamblers
stopped gambling. Cheaters stopped cheating. Liars stopped lying. Nobody could figure out the
cause of these changes until Maria stepped forward. Millions praised her. But millions of others
didn’t. Smokers missed smoking. Drinkers missed drinking. Others missed their bad habits, too.
Soon, they demanded that Maria “undo” her potion. Crossing her fingers, she said, “If only there
were an antidote.”
[5.6, 67.8, 0%, 7.5, 150]

789. There’s a New Sausage in Town

It was a grey day in overcast Coney Island. Grey as in poupon. Poupon as in mustard. Mustard
as in hotdog. Hotdog as in Nathan’s Famous Fourth of July International Hotdog Eating Contest, in
its 43rd year. The men’s contest was a battle of the buns, a duel of the dogs, as eight-time, reigning
champ Joey “Jaws” Chestnut matched mouthfuls with chomping challenger Matt Stonie. After 10
minutes of wolfing wieners and swilling water, Stonie won the war of the wurst by a paltry two
pups, 62 to 60. The victory didn’t exactly surprise Stonie, who had beaten Joey six times, head to
head, in the past year in other eating contests. In accepting his victory belt, Stonie shouted “Frank
you!” to 2,000 cheering spectators. The announcer announced it was an “incredible battle between
two incredible athletes.” Wiener warriors have come a long way since 1980, when nine dogs won.
[8.1, 61.0, 0%, 13.6, 150]

790. Last Ride on Coney’s Cyclone

When he was five, Wally rode the Cyclone, Coney Island’s famous wooden roller coaster built
in 1927. His dad and aunt flanked him. Afterward, Wally’s mom asked if he had liked it. He cried
out, “No!” As an adult, Wally decided to revisit the two-minute ride. He asked the ticket seller,
“Do you give discounts to vets?” She said no. He asked, “Senior citizens?” She said no. He asked,
“AARP?” She said no. Wally paid the nine dollars. He sat alone in a middle car. The coaster
creaked slowly up a steep slope. Then, rapidly, it descended almost vertically. Wally’s glasses
started vibrating violently. He felt like all his bones were rattling against one another. The coaster
made five more steep descents and five sharp left to right turns. When it stopped, Wally, feeling
nauseous, laboriously climbed out of his seat. The child is smarter than the man, he thought.
[4.4, 76.7, 0%, 7.5, 150]
 791. DON’T MAKE EXCUSES FOR HOTDOG LOSER

FRANK, THE 980 AM TALK show host, was talking to Ralphie, the CEO of Big-Time Eating.
The subject was the previous day’s hotdog-eating contest in Coney Island. Young newcomer Matt
Stonie had edged out the favored champ, Joey, by two hotdogs. Frank asked, “Why do you think
Joey lost?” Ralphie said, “Well, first of all, it was an overcast day. Joey, I would say, is a hot
weather eater. So, the cooler temperature might’ve slowed him down. Also, as everyone knows,
Joey recently broke up with his fiancée, so that must have been weighing on his mind.” Frank
agreed. Listener Bert called in. He said, “Come on, you two. Stop making excuses for Joey. Stonie
won fair and square. The temperature was the same for everyone. And, you don’t know—maybe
Stonie was also dealing with some kind of personal grief. Joey was a great champion, but now
he’s history.”
[4.5, 79.4, 0%, 9.3, 150]

792. Coming Through—Make a Hole

Warren was walking along the right edge of the sidewalk, next to the storefronts. Another man,
also walking alongside the storefronts, was approaching Warren. When they got within a foot of
each other, they stopped. The other man was a head taller. Warren said, “Step aside.” The man
laughed and said, “No, buddy. You step aside.” Warren said, “You’re not listening. Move out of my
way, or I’ll move you out of my way.” The man laughed again and said, “Try it, little man.” Warren
swung, catching the man flush on his jaw. He fell to the sidewalk, unconscious. Warren stepped
over him and resumed walking. When arrested moments later, Warren explained, “I never step
aside. It shows weakness to others, and it robs me of my self-respect.” The arresting cop said,
“Excuse me?! Stepping aside is simply being courteous.” Warren said, “I save my courtesy for
people I respect.”
[4.7, 75.9, 0%, 8.3, 150]

793. Pretty Is Better than Smart

Lola was seven years old, two years younger than her sister Edie. One day Lola asked,
“Mommy, am I pretty?” Her mom said, “Of course you are, dear. Why do you ask?” Lola said,
“Because no one ever tells me that I’m pretty. Nobody, not even you or dad, has ever told me that.
But everyone always tells Edie how pretty she is. And everyone always talks about how pretty she
is, and how she could be a movie star when she grows up. I want to be a movie star too.” Lola’s
mom said, “Honey, ‘pretty’ isn’t everything. You are very smart. You’re smart enough to be
anything you want to be. You can be a doctor, a lawyer, an engineer, or a scientist. What could be
better than that?” Lola said, “Who wants to be a scientist? I don’t want to be smart. I want to be
pretty!”
[3.4, 86.2, 0%, 8.8, 150]

794. Radio Show Spelling Contest

On 970 AM talk radio, Frank said, “Last Sunday morning we did our last joke contest.
Everyone complained that the jokes weren’t very funny. So, today we’re trying a new contest—a
spelling contest. I know we’ve got a lot of smart listeners out there, so let’s see who’s the smartest.
Today’s prize will be the best-selling book, ‘100,000 Tricky Spelling Words.’ Just call in to
participate.” Bernie called in. He turned his radio off and listened over the phone for Frank’s cue.
Then he heard Frank say, “Bernie, in Queens.” Bernie said, “This’ll be a piece of cake. Spelling
rules are a big part of my English class. I hope some of my students are listening.” Frank said,
“Spell Illinois.” Bernie said, “So easy. I-l-l-i-n-o-i-s-e. I always tell my students to be on the
lookout for that sneaky silent ‘e.’” The buzzer buzzed as Frank said, “Wrong, English teacher!”
[4.7, 77.7, 0%, 9.3, 150]

795. Fido Fetches 50 Items—by Name

Jack had taught his dog Barkstein to recognize the names of 50 items around the house. Jack
said, “If I tell him to bring me a magazine, he brings me a magazine. If I say bring me a shoe, he
brings me a shoe. Also, I’ve taught him to just bark at the shoe when he finds it. He’s a rescue
puppy. I selected him because golden retrievers are really smart. I’ve done TV shows where I put
30 items on the studio floor and say, for example, fetch the wallet. He never fails. People ask,
What’s the point? The point is that this is life and death training. It’s not just a parlor trick. For
example, if a little boy’s lost in the woods, I can tell Barkstein to find a shirt, and he searches the
woods for one. Of course, inside the shirt is the missing little boy.”
[3.7, 88.5, 0%, 11.5, 150]

796. Life after Life

Eve was feeding pigeons in Prospect Park. Her best friend, Nicki, had died a month earlier
after a speeding bicyclist crashed into her in the park. The pigeons suddenly flew away. Nicki
appeared to Eve. Nicki said, “Eve, I know I’m dead, but I’ve never been so alive. I can go
anywhere in the universe, instantly. I just visited Jupiter. I’m a super genius. I understand
everything, even English grammar rules. I’m a time traveler. I can watch, or participate in, any
historical or everyday event I choose to. I watched the Big Bang. I signed the Declaration of
Independence. I stood next to Neil Armstrong on the moon. I can choose to experience all the
emotions and senses I had as a human, plus hundreds of others that you, as a human, can’t even
begin to comprehend. Who knew?! Don’t mourn my death, my dear, and embrace your own!”
 [5.6, 70.4, 0%, 8.8, 150]

797. Unasked-for Advice—It’s Human Nature

Ira said, “I think I’m coming down with a cold.” His older brother said, “You should see a
doctor. Sometimes people think it’s just a cold but find out too late that it’s double pneumonia.
That’s what killed the muppet guy.” His younger brother said, “You should squeeze fresh lime juice
into a shot glass full of hot whiskey every night for a week.” His older sister said, “You should
take two baby aspirin with a large glass of fresh-squeezed orange juice every night.” His younger
sister said, “You should stay home so you don’t infect your coworkers. That’s how colds spread,
you know.” His mother said, “You should stop going to that bar on Friday night. Bartenders never
clean the bar glasses properly. They use the same filthy rag to dry the glasses that they use to wipe
the counter.” His father said, “You should listen to your mother.”
[4.7, 83, 0%, 12.5, 150]

798. Smart Gamblers Don’t Play Lottery

Horace told his wife, “Listen to this. Americans spent $70 billion last year on lottery tickets.
That’s more than the total spent on sports tickets, books, video games, movie tickets, and recorded
music, which was $63 billion. What’s the matter with these people? At least they got something for
their $63 billion. What’d they get for their $70 billion? Nothing, most of them. The lottery’s a
fool’s game. There’s six numbers. Your chance of hitting the Power Ball number, which is just one
number, is less than one in 70. One in 70! You have a better chance at Aqueduct, where there’s
only 10 horses per race. Ah, what do I care? It’s not my money. Are we packed for Vegas? I can’t
wait to get to the roulette tables. Black, red, or green. So simple. Your chance of winning is one in
three. Now that’s a level playing field!”
[3.8, 80.7, 5%, 7.5, 150]

799. Dunce Hat for Her, Jobs for Others

She looked at her watch. She sighed. Almost eight hours to go. She was in a NYC training
class. Years ago, she’d flunked a class that involved using punch cards. Years later, she’d flunked
a statistics class. Her current class involved numbers, formulas, rules and exceptions, and a
proprietary software system. She was the only one in her class who didn’t “get it.” Her classmates
had taken to the curriculum like ducks to water; she was the class rock. Her teacher’s curt
responses to her questions early on had caused her to simply stop asking questions. Her midterm
score was 35 percent. The final was a week away. She was sure that she would score about 35
percent again. Failing the final would mean that she wouldn’t get hired. But she couldn’t wait to
take the final, because failing would also mean that she wouldn’t have to attend class anymore.
[4.0, 82.8, 6.6%, 10.0, 150]
 800. Inmate Becomes PutMeOutmate
Somehow, an inmate on the eleventh floor of downtown’s Manhattan Detention Complex got
hold of 24 sheets. One night he tied them all together. He tied an end sheet to his bedframe and
dropped the remaining sheets out the barless window. A homeless man who liked to set things on
fire—and watch them burn—walked by. Seeing the hanging sheets, he looked up. The inmate was
making his way down. The homeless man set fire to the sheets. Flames ascended toward the
inmate, who was at the eighth floor. Smelling smoke, he looked down. He saw the flames racing
upward. Frantic, he tried to climb back up and into his jail cell. He let go of the sheets, however,
when his jumpsuit caught on fire. He didn’t survive the fall. Neither did the homeless man, who
stood smack under the inmate, transfixed as the flaming jumpsuit plummeted toward him.
[4.4, 82.5, 0%, 10.7, 150]

801. Claustrophobia on B Train

She boarded the train at Brighton Beach. She had her choice of seats. By the time she got off at
Seventh Avenue, all she could see were pants and shorts. She had to say “Excuse me” five times
just to navigate the six feet to the nearest doors. Four people on the platform impatiently waited for
her to step off the train so they could squeeze on. One of them stepped back, ever so slightly,
allowing her to set foot on the platform. If the platform had been human, she would have hugged it.
She looked back at the train. The doors had closed. The passengers stood like cigarettes in a
freshly opened hardpack. The overcrowding looked so much worse when viewed from the
platform. She shook her head. She couldn’t believe that she had just ridden that train, and that
she’d be riding it until the day she retired.
[3.6, 89.0, 0%, 11.5, 150]

802. Drop a Dime on Drunk Drivers

About 30 times a day in our civilized country, an inattentive drunk driver slams into another
motorist, killing him. Most Americans barely notice, even though this number is the equivalent,
over 12 months, of a passenger plane crashing into the Rockies every two weeks. Cheryl, however,
noticed. She created ROAD—Rat Out a Drunk. She lobbied Congress, which created an annual
lottery worth $4 million. To join the lottery, a person merely submitted the names of people he
knew who regularly, or even occasionally, drove after drinking. At the end of each year, a
computer randomly selected one date—May 1, for example. Then the computer printed out the
names of drunk drivers arrested for killing fellow motorists on May 1. Then the President, on
national TV, picked one of those names out of a hat. The lucky “rat” got $2 million tax free, as did
the unlucky victim’s family.
[9.5, 53.4, 0%, 15.0, 150]
 803. Skin on Skin on Q Train
It was midsummer. Lee was on the Q train. A man took the seat on Lee’s left. Shortly
afterward, the guy’s bare arm was touching Lee’s bare arm. Lee could easily have moved his left
arm slightly to the right, but Lee had been sitting there first. But the guy, apparently oblivious or
maybe even gay, didn’t move his arm away. Lee was in anguish. He had to decide: his pride versus
that guy’s cooties. Lee moved his left arm slightly right. He promised himself a shower as soon as
he got home. But his relief was short-lived. The guy’s hairy arm was touching Lee’s arm again! For
the first time, Lee looked at the guy. He was an old guy, nodding off. Realizing that it might be only
moments before his head was on Lee’s shoulder, Lee stood up. The man tilted slightly to the right,
but caught himself.
[3.0, 90.1, 0%, 9.3, 150]

804. I Left My Puddle in SF

The city where Tony Bennett left his heart is becoming the city where the homeless leave their
urine. Even as San Francisco opens its arms to the homeless, its residents pinch their noses. City
officials welcome the homeless, but the city’s store owners and homeowners bolt their doors. The
city council is considering passing a new law requiring an open-door policy. Meanwhile,
unwelcome indoors, the homeless use the great outdoors. Said one homeless person, “What’s the
problem? Birds do it, cats and dogs do it, and most golfers do it.” A clever businessman is
marketing a new product in a spray can. When urine strikes walls or sidewalks that have been
sprayed, it bounces back onto the shoes and pants of the urinator. “Ha! That’ll make them think
twice,” said the businessman. Said a homeless person, “It’s a great product,” as he sprayed the
stuff onto his shoes and pants.
[6.9, 67.2, 8.3%, 12.5, 150]

805. SuperBowl QB Mum Re Texts

NFL lawyers wanted quarterback Tim Brody’s cellphone. They were confident it contained
text messages proving that he had conspired with team staffers to deflate game balls, giving him an
advantage over opposing teams. Brody supposedly had more than 10,000 messages on his phone.
“All we need to find is one shady message,” said a lawyer. Brody was having none of that. After
putting his phone into a powerful grinder, he took the ground-up particles to Harvard Bridge and
threw them into various parts of the Charles River. He called one of the lawyers and told him what
he’d done. The lawyer said, “You can’t do that! It’s illegal.” Brody said, “It’s my phone. I can do
anything I want with it. But I’ll make a deal with you. Next time, I’ll hand over my phone if you
guys hand over your phones.” The lawyer scoffed, saying, “That’ll be the day.”
[5.2, 76.3, 0%, 10.7, 150]
 806. Dad, I Miss You
Not a day goes by that I don’t think of you. I want to see you again, and talk with you again.
Just five minutes. Is that asking too much? All those times I could’ve called you, or visited you.
Instead, I passed; you would always be there. You were Superman, Policeman, Fireman, and
Teacherman. You provided us with a brand new house to grow up in. A house filled with kids,
pets, and love. You walked with us on Halloween night, wearing a silly costume yourself. You
helped us with our homework, and taught us to question everything. You loved us, and you loved
Mom. Your mutual love for each other made our home glow. I only wish that I had lived up to your
dreams for me. All those years you invested in me. How disappointed you must have been. I’m
sorry, Dad. You deserved a better son.
[2.5, 90.5, 0%, 8.3, 150]

807. LGBT Scouts of America?

The Boy Scouts of America recently agreed to allow openly gay men to become scout leaders
and employees. About 2 million boys, ages 7 to 18, are Cub Scouts or Boy Scouts. When Jerry
heard about the decision, he pulled his teenage son Thad out of Troop 53. Thad said, “But Dad,
next month I’m taking a CPR test. When I pass, I’ll qualify for my First Aid merit badge.” Jerry
said, “Son, next month there’s no telling who will be giving you your CPR test. It might be some
gay guy who wants to give you mouth to mouth.” Thad said, “But Dad, we do CPR on dummies, not
on real live humans. Besides, you know that Susie and I are planning on getting married someday.”
Jerry said, “You never know, son. There’s some smooth talkers out there. They might talk you into
changing teams. You just never know.”
[4.5, 82.8, 0%, 11.5, 150]

808. Capital Punishment for Racists

The world’s most famous wrestler, Bulk Brogan, used the N word when asked about his
daughter’s new boyfriend. Bulk’s remark immediately went around the world. Social media had a
field day, calling Bulk a low-life white boy, honky, cracker, gringo, and haole. Marchers in Times
Square chanted, “The N word matters!” The wrestling league banned Bulk from all future events
and removed his plaque from the wrestling Hall of Fame. Sports network ESBM fired Bulk as its
color commentator. A shoe manufacturer stopped selling its popular Bulk sneakers. A cereal maker
took Bulk’s photo off its boxes of Oatees. Bulk’s Asian ex-wife said, “I always knew he was a
racist.” The charities that Bulk supported through dozens of annual appearances, which helped
bring in millions of dollars, severed all ties with Bulk. Bulk, stunned and angry, said, “All this
because of one word? Better that I killed somebody, I guess.”
[6.3, 71.7, 0%, 12.5, 150]
 809. Creepy, Crawly Cooties
The only seat on the train was between two large people. Exhausted, Donald reluctantly
squeezed in between them. Even though he scrunched himself small, he could feel his neighbors’
thighs and arms touching his thighs and arms. He tried not to think about their cooties crawling all
over his clothes. That weekend, Donald decided to protect himself against cooties. Monday
morning, he appeared at the Sheepshead Bay station wearing a painter’s paper overalls, hood, and
mask; elastic surgeon gloves; and tinted goggles. He was the one, the only, CootieMan! Everyone
on the platform stared at him—from a safe distance; likewise, everyone on the train. As he got off
the train, saying a muffled “Excuse me,” passengers made a hurried hole for him. After stepping
onto the platform, Donald removed his outfit and stuffed it into a plastic supermarket bag.
CootieMan had become NormalMan, at least until the commute home.
[6.5, 67.3, 0%, 13.6, 150]

810. Sidewalk Bicyclist Flies, Swims

The northern sidewalk paralleling Sheepshead Bay was wide and empty. Walking westward
deep in thought, Sheldon suddenly felt a rush of air on his left side as a bicyclist silently whooshed
past him from behind. Startled, Sheldon yelled an angry word at the man, who turned his head and
yelled the same word back. Throughout NYC, cyclists had narrowly missed Sheldon so often that
he was sure he was going to die as a bicycle victim on a city sidewalk. His fear of such a death
had created an ill will toward adult bicyclists. When he read news stories about bicyclists killed
by drivers, he felt no sympathy. Instead, whenever he saw an adult cyclist zipping past the bay’s
nine piers, Sheldon daydreamed about the cyclist hitting something and flying over the metal
railing into the water 10 feet below. Then Sheldon would casually drop the bike into the bay.
[8.9, 64.2, 0%, 18.7, 150]

811. Beware the Internet of Things

A year ago, several mystifying, computer-related events occurred in rapid succession in the
U.S. Two passenger planes crashed into each other high above Kansas. Flight 123, traveling from
LA to Vancouver, collided with Flight 456, traveling from Miami to NYC. All crew and
passengers died. About ten minutes later, an Amtrak passenger train collided with a freight train
near Chicago, killing 21 passengers and crew. About twenty minutes later, two new Pesla cars,
with their owners behind the wheel, drove off the end of the Santa Monica pier in Los Angeles.
U.S. authorities initially blamed computer hackers in China, then Russia, and then North Korea.
However, a 9-year-old prodigy, presently enrolled at MIT, admitted today, “I was just a kid at the
time. I was just moving things around on a computer. It didn’t occur to me that I was dealing with
real, live people. I was just having fun.”
 [8.8, 56.1, 0%, 13.7, 150]

812. Fences Make Bad Neighbors

A woman in a suit rang the bell. Brian opened his door. The woman asked, “Sir, are you Brian
Simon?” He nodded. She said, “Correct me if I’m wrong. You own this Brooklyn brownstone. You
signed an online petition demanding that all fences be torn down on U.S. borders. The petition
declared that fences are unneighborly and useless.” Brian nodded again. She said, “Sir, tomorrow
morning a city crew will remove this iron fence that fronts your brownstone.” Brian snorted,
saying, “They can’t do that! This is my property!” She continued, “Sir, you’re an American citizen.
The entire United States is your property. If you favor no fences for your big home, it stands to
reason that you think likewise for your little home.” Brian stammered, “But, but, they’re different!”
She said, “You can’t have it both ways, sir. Here’s a $50 check for the value of the scrap metal.”
[4.6, 76.5, 5.5%, 8.3, 150]

813. A “Starter” Cigarette for Kids

Mona loved her boyfriend, but she hated his cigarettes. She often told him, “Your breath stinks,
your clothes stink, and your car stinks. Everything stinks!” He always said, “This is my last
cigarette, I promise.” She told her cousin Cal, a chemist, about her boyfriend’s “aroma.” Months
later, Cal called back. “I developed ten different scents that can be added to tobacco, like
wintergreen, coffee, strawberry, vanilla, and bubblegum. I’m still working on a formula that’ll
neutralize the stench instead of just covering it up. Anyway, Worldwide Tobacco Company’s going
to manufacture the scented cigarettes within the year.” She said, “I love you! I’m going to get Arnie
to smoke vanilla. But why bubblegum?” Cal said, “That wasn’t my idea. They just asked if I could
create it. They’re going to give bubblegum away free to kids in foreign countries. Then they’ll sell
them—cheap, at first—the bubblegum-scented cigarettes.”
[5.8, 69.8, 0%, 9.3, 150]

814. Phooey on Golf

Hal the greenskeeper called the local precinct. The front desk clerk said, “Sixty-first precinct.
What’s the problem?” Hal said, “They did it again.” The clerk said, “Excuse me. Who did what
again?” Hal said, “Last weekend someone left human poo in the cup on the eighteenth hole. Last
night they did it again.” The clerk said, “Well, what do you want us to do about it?” Hal said,
“Find out who did it, and arrest them, of course! Don’t you have a DNA squad? The cup with all
the DNA is in my fridge.” The clerk said, “Sir, let me check with my supervisor. I don’t even know
if that’s a crime.” Hal said, “Of course it’s a crime! You can’t just poo in a golf cup! Golf is a
gentlemen’s game.” The clerk said, “Sir, my supervisor just said it’s obviously some ‘gentleman’s’
wife; it’s called golf widow’s revenge.”
 [2.2, 92.7, 0%, 8.3, 150]

815. Watch Out for Pretty Magpies

Chad was running late, but he didn’t know exactly how late. Seeing beautiful Monique on the
sidewalk, he figured he’d kill two birds with one stone. Summoning his inner Cary Grant, he asked
if she had the time. Monique answered, “You know, that’s funny. You’re asking me the time, but I
was just wondering the same thing myself! Isn’t that a coincidence! Did you leave your watch at
home too? I was in such a hurry this morning. I overslept, something I rarely do. But last night my
kids kept me up till eleven playing Scrabble. My kids are so smart. They beat my pants off! They
must have gotten their smarts from their dad. Although if he was that smart, he wouldn’t have had
that affair. I should’ve divorced that man on the spot. Wait! Didn’t you ask me something? Or did I
ask you?” Chad had raced off.
[2.5, 91.0, 0%, 7.8, 150]

816. Careful What You Sign

A woman in a suit rang the doorbell. Scott opened the door. She asked, “Are you Scott
Lehrer?” He nodded. She said, “Did you sign an online petition saying citizens should warmly
welcome all immigrants into our country, regardless of their education, job skills, health status,
country of origin, or native language?” Scott nodded again. She said, “This is Mr. Ehks, from
Ehkslandia.” Scott said hello. Mr. Ehks said hello in his native language. She continued, “Mr. Ehks
is your new housemate.” Scott said, “Excuse me?!” She said, “We’ve run out of shelters to put
millions of immigrants in, so now we’re putting them into homes of petition-signers, like you.”
Scott said, “You can’t do that!” She said, “Sir, we’re the Government. We can do whatever we
want. You should embrace this opportunity to put your house where your mouth is. I’ll be bringing
his wife and baby by tomorrow.”
[5.0, 74.9, 0%, 8.8, 150]

817. Topless in Times Square

Every day this summer, women have stood topless in Times Square, offering people the
opportunity to take photos with them or of them in exchange for tips. On some days, hundreds of
men of all ages gawk at, and take photos with, these women. On some days, as many as a dozen
women accept tips from these men. Being topless in public is not against the law in New York. But
Anthony Zeiner, a state legislator, proclaiming that such women “are corrupting our youth,” has
introduced a bill in the state assembly. The bill would make toplessness a felony statewide for
both sexes, except at public beaches. Asked if seasonal changes might make his bill unnecessary,
Zeiner said, “Cold weather doesn’t trump empty purses. We simply can’t let topless women get
their foot in the door. We’ve got to nip this in the bud. We must protect our innocent youth.”
 [7.3, 69.2, 0%, 15.0, 150]

818. An Undeserved Gift

Glen and Tanya were holdovers. A NYC agency had decided to train them and four other
students for two additional weeks. It hoped that they could all pass the final that they had failed the
first time around. It wanted them to exchange their dunce hats for graduation caps. The additional
class time helped immensely. Everyone except Tanya “saw the light.” But Glen coached her every
day, patiently explaining each procedure that she was still having difficulty with. Finally, she too
saw the light. Everyone passed the final. On Friday, graduation day, Tanya gave Glen a gift. He
asked, “What’s this?” She said, “Just a little thank-you.” The following Monday, he returned it to
her, unopened. She said, “What’s this?” He said, “I ‘accepted’ this, but only because I didn’t want
to rain on your weekend. I’m sorry, but I can’t accept a gift just for doing the right thing.”
[4.9, 76.6, 0%, 9.3, 150]

819. Buttons His Lip Re Her Tat

After looking both ways, even though Bergen Street is one-way, he crossed. He stood near the
subway station railing and looked toward the 78th Precinct building. A pretty woman in a sundress
walked by. Like many young women in Brooklyn, she had a tattoo. Hers was on her upper back,
just south of her slender neck. It was circular, about the diameter of a silver dollar. It was kind of
“lacey”; lots of circular links comprised one large circle. The ink was one color—light green. He
was sure that the tattoo meant something. He was sure that she liked men asking, “What is this?” It
meant nothing to him. He couldn’t help but notice one other thing about her tattoo. It was off-center.
It was about a quarter-inch too far right. He said, “Oh, Miss!” She stopped and turned around.
Thinking better of it, he simply said, “Nice tattoo.”
[3.7, 82.7, 0%, 8.8, 150]

820. Five Boroughs of Seatmate-Phobia

Al had developed a fear of sitting anywhere in public. No matter how isolated the seat he
carefully chose, he knew that in mere seconds some newcomer would decide that Al’s “private”
seat was the best seat in NYC and plop down right next to him. To make matters worse, of course,
the newcomer was usually the giantest, smelliest, noisiest, cootiest, unkemptest, undesireablest,
eatingest, music-playingest, space-invadingest, and cellphone-yakkingest person in the entire park,
or train, or bus, or movie theater. How come, Al often wondered, no thin, book-reading, 85-pound
people ever sit down next to me? Is there some invisible-to-me “Oversized? Please Join Me!” sign
flashing over my head? One time he asked a 250-pound woman who had just squeezed in, “Look!
The whole car is totally empty. Why’d you have to sit right next to me?” She said, “I don’t know.
It’s like some force pulled me over here.”
 [7.4, 65.9, 0%, 13.8, 150]

821. Have You Heard the One About?

Overhearing Leonard’s short joke about two white peanut farmers, an elderly man called him a
racist. Leonard said, “Really? It’s such a pleasure meeting someone who doesn’t make snap
judgments. You don’t even know my name, but you know I’m a low-life racist. From one joke.
What if I told a fat joke? I hate all fat people? What if I told a dumb blonde joke? I’m a
misogynist? I hate my mom, my wife, and my beautiful daughter? What if I told a joke about a
chicken crossing the road? I’m an animal hater? How about a joke about a priest, rabbi, and
minister walking into a bar? I’m an atheist? How about a joke about the government? I’m an
anarchist? Of course not. So one little joke about people of noncolor doesn’t make me a racist.
‘Racist’ jokes don’t make us racists. They help us deal with racists.”
[3.7, 81.5, 0%, 7.5, 150]

822. Word Choice Matters

National Liberal Radio, or NLR, is a public radio network that loves to produce stories about
America’s poor, all of whom seem to be people of color being held down by America’s whites, all
of whom seem to have wallets full of plastic and personalities full of themselves. NLR dismisses
as hopelessly biased such news organizations as conservative WOLF News, which calls itself
“fair and balanced.” Snorted an NLR executive, “WOLF’s idea of giving both sides of a story is
when they follow a quote from a Republican senator with a quote from a Republican
congressman.” Meanwhile, NLR’s own “fair and balanced” reporting never includes the phrase
“illegal immigration.” NLR opts for the simpler “immigration,” as in, “Most whites are against
immigration.” Snorted a WOLF executive, “Not using ‘illegal’ with ‘immigration’ is like saying,
‘Most cats are against milk,’ when the accurate statement is, ‘Most cats are against sour milk.’”
[13.5, 42.1, 16.7%, 25.0, 150]

823. How Was Your Day (Briefly)?

Jim’s mom was notorious for her long-winded stories about her daily routine. These stories,
full of mundane details, never had a payoff, punch line, or point. After months of calling her daily
after his dad’s death, Jim was getting tired of hearing these monologues. One day he said, “Now,
don’t take this personally, but…” She said, “Never mind. I don’t want to hear it. Every time
somebody says that, I end up crying.” He said, “Okay, I understand. How about if I suggest
something, but do it indirectly?” She said, “Well, okay, maybe.” He said, “You love reading your
mystery novels. You’ve probably read 10,000 in your life.” She said, “At least!” He said, “If I
handed you the world’s greatest mystery novel, but I told you I had removed the last chapter, would
you read it?” She said, “Of course not! What would be the point?” He said, “Exactly!”
 [4.5, 78.3, 0%, 8.8, 150]

824. Customer Service: 4 or 7?

Talking to a customer, she said, “No, I didn’t say the number four the first time. I said the
number seven. The two numbers don’t even sound alike. How could you have heard four when I
said seven? I mean, I could understand if you think I said eleven, because eleven sounds a lot like
seven. But I never say eleven. I heard that some kid couldn’t dial the police once in an emergency
because his mom had told him to dial nine-eleven instead of 9-1-1. The poor kid couldn’t find
eleven on the dial pad. So I never say eleven, so you couldn’t have mistaken eleven for seven.
Hold on a second. I’ll just double-check. Oops! I think you’re right. It is a seven. You know how
sometimes people cross their sevens and make them look like fours? That’s why I guess I said four.
You’re right. I apologize.”
[4.3, 78.8, 0%, 8.3, 150]

825. When Shoe’s on Other Foot

Reverend Hal Sharple, a popular NYC blactivist, often appears at the scene of a murder when
the victim is black and the killer is white. Speaking before TV and radio station microphones and
cameras, he lambastes racist whites who, as policemen or civilians, don’t seem to know or care
that Black Lives Matter. But when blacks murder whites, Sharple not only fails to appear at the
scene, but also fails to voice any disapproval. He says nothing about racist blacks. He says nothing
about White Lives Matter. When asked about his two disparate responses to racial murders,
Sharple said, “For one thing, they’re different. And if you don’t know in your own heart how
they’re different, I could never explain it to you. For another, I can’t speak up for every victim of
every color. Where are the white preachers? I’m too busy speaking up for all the black victims.”
[7.8, 65.8, 0%, 15.0, 150]

826. Share Fun Fact with Class

It was 9 a.m. Herb was in an all-day class on Lenox Avenue near the Apollo Theater in
Harlem. The topic was customer service. The instructor introduced herself and threw in a few
personal facts, such as she had two teen sons who were a handful. She handed out the day’s agenda
to the adult students, and asked them to introduce themselves. She added, “Share a fun fact about
yourself if you have one, please.” His classmates’ fun facts, such as “I like to knit,” were putting
Herb to sleep. When it was his turn, he said, “My fun fact is that I have ten toes.” A classmate said,
“What’s ‘fun fact’ about that? Everyone has ten toes.” Herb said, “Six on one foot and four on the
other?” Everyone groaned in revulsion. Herb placed a loafered foot on a chair. “Anyone want to
see?” he asked. Everyone groaned again.
[4.1, 84.2, 0%, 10.7, 150]
 827. Cruel Death for Cool Dad
He was tall, athletic, and handsome. He married early, and he and his wife raised eight happy,
healthy children. He wrote poems, loving and humorous, to his wife throughout their marriage.
After retiring from the Army, he taught middle school for 20 years and retired again. He spent his
second retirement enjoying time with his children, playing golf, and taking cruises with his wife.
He was always having fun, always on the go. And then he went, after seven days in a hospital bed.
Father of eight, grandfather of four, loving husband of one, he died alone. Nobody was at his
bedside during that final day to hold his hand, to talk to him, to listen to him, to comfort him on his
way to heaven. All day long, he surely wondered, Where’s my wife, Where are my children? To
her everlasting sorrow, his wife arrived minutes after he died.
[6.5, 72.2, 0%, 13.6, 150]

828. Careful What You Pray For

Jackson, the capital of Mississippi, has a half-billion-dollar problem. The problem is in the
streets, which resemble the galaxies of the universe, which are likewise full of black holes. Little
black holes, medium black holes, large black holes. Axle-breaking, rim-cracking black holes.
Jackson’s drivers can get from point A to point Z only if they manage to avoid black holes B
through Y. Jackson’s drivers are Moley trying to avoid Whacka, Ali trying to avoid Frazier.
Jackson’s mayor, Reverend Moon, said, “Well, the good thing about all these potholes is that they
really cut down on texting while driving. The bad thing about them is that we don’t have the money
to fix them. Like Moses, Jackson has only one solution—prayer. If the good Lord can part the Red
Sea, He can certainly fill a few potholes.” A week later, Jackson got ten inches of rain in nine
hours.
[7.0, 71.4, 0%, 15.0, 150]

829. Airline Might Soon Go Southsouth

Northnorth, a new U.S. airline, bragged, “If we’re late, we pay.” Passengers flocked to buy
tickets, unaware of Northnorth’s bogus definitions of “late” and “pay” buried in its 400-page
Terms of Use. However, passengers quickly became aware of the airline’s other penny-pinching
tactics. It flies unwashed, older planes. A passenger reserving a window seat, which costs extra,
can pay more extra to have his window pre-washed if he wants to view takeoffs and landings. A
peanut dispenser delivers 10 raw, unsalted peanuts for a dollar, paid for, like all other amenities,
with a credit card swipe. Free, uniodized salt is usually available in the shaker chained to the
dispenser. Reclining seatbacks cost a quarter a minute, as do the overhead, fresh-air blowers. Any
passenger willing to stand in the aisle can fly half-price. He doesn’t have to worry about blocking
the flight attendants because, like the toilets, there are none.
 [9.2, 55.3, 0%, 15.1, 150]

830. Shark Bait Beats Mega Bet

Andrew said, “Well, we didn’t win again, honey.” Lorna said, “Of course we didn’t win
‘again.’ We never win in the first place. How many times have I told you that your chance of
winning the lottery is about one in 280 million? How many times have I told you that you have a
better chance of a shark swallowing you whole? That you have a better chance of getting to
Hoboken by flapping your arms?” He said, “C’mon, nobody can flap their arms across the Hudson.
That’s impossible!” She said, “So’s winning the lottery.” Next day, Lorna asked, “Why the big
grin?” Andrew said, “I took your advice. No more lottery. Instead, I bought insurance from Lloyd’s
of London. You’ll be a rich widow if a great white has me for a taste treat.” She laughed. “Well,
next time you go wading, just remember to put on your sunblock.”
[3.6, 85.6, 0%, 9.3, 150]

831. Is She Pulling His Leg?

It was 2 a.m. He awoke, howling. A cramp had curled all his toes and his entire right foot into
a knot as hard as any knot in any hardwood tree. He downed the small glass of salt water sitting on
the nightstand. Nothing happened. He didn’t bother trying to stand on the ballerina-like foot. He
didn’t bother trying to massage it. After a minute, his toes and foot relaxed. Salt water no longer
worked; magnesium pills no longer worked. Later, he called his sister. Bev said, “Well, what
worked for me for a while was bananas.” Ray said, “I eat a banana every day.” Bev said, “Try
waiting until they turn brown.” Ray said, “Okay. Anything else?” She said, “You could try sleeping
with a bar of soap under your mattress.” He laughed. “Really?! Any particular brand? How could
that possibly work?” She said, “Mind over mattress, I guess.”
[2.9, 85.9, 0%, 7.1, 150]

832. Jingle to Improve Pecan Sales

Jimmy, a pecan grower in Georgia, was complaining to his wife Rosalynn. “Pecans are
sweeter and moister than almonds, yet almonds sell for twice the price, and people buy twice as
many.” She asked, “Well, how did the almond industry get so big?” He said, “I read that their first
step was to distribute free bags of almonds on airline flights. Passengers loved the nuts, which of
course tasted even better because they were free. Many passengers, in fact, had never even eaten
an almond before.” She said, “Well, why can’t we do the same thing? Call Howard. He’s on the
marketing committee.” Jimmy said, “I’ll do that, but one more thing. We should have a pecan
slogan. Slogans always help sales.” She said, “I already thought of one. And even better than a
slogan, it’s a jingle. Are you ready? ‘I can, you can, we all can for pecans!’”
[4.1, 81.6, 0%, 9.3, 150]
 833. A Picture’s Worth 1,000 Kudos
Jordan proudly used his wife’s photo as his phone’s homescreen. Whenever he turned on his
phone while an acquaintance was nearby, Jordan was always asked, “Who’s that?” He always
replied, “That’s my wife!” The onlooker never said a word, not even a grunt. Just awkward
silence. Exasperated, Jordan finally replaced the photo with one of a young Kathleen Turner.
Subsequently, whenever he turned on his phone near an acquaintance, he or she always exclaimed,
“That’s your wife?! She’s so beautiful! You’re so lucky!” Jordan was very proud of his new wife.
One day his old wife saw the new photo. She asked, “Who’s that?” He said, “I was tired of people
saying absolutely nothing when I showed them your real photo. Their silence was insulting—to you
and to me.” She said, “I hear you.” She showed him her phone’s homescreen. It was a photo of a
young William Hurt.
[4.7, 76.6, 6%, 8.8, 150]

834. Why Do the Poor Bankroll the Rich?

Elvin said, “Everyone complains about income inequality, but millions of us Americans
underwrite it every week.” His wife Joy asked, “How’s that?” He said, “We buy lottery tickets.
What is a huge lottery prize but income inequality? There’s but a breath of a chance that one person
will win $100 million or more. But whoever does win becomes an instant one-percenter. He’s not
on our team anymore. He becomes one of ‘them,’ while the rest of us settle for the crumbs. We
invest our hard-earned dollars simply to create another one-percenter. Our money becomes our
honchos’ money.” She said, “But you have a solution.” He said, “Of course. It’s so simple. Spread
the wealth. Instead of one prize worth $100 million, let’s have 200 prizes worth $500,000. Half a
million won’t make anyone a one-percenter, but at least it’ll help 200 of us live a little less on the
edge.”
[6.7, 63.0, 0%, 9.3, 150]

835. Germany Cheats on U.S. Car Test

Americans were shocked to discover that millions of German-made VX cars violated U.S.
anti-pollution regulations. Saying, “I take full responsibility,” the VX CEO resigned. A week later,
he said, “Americans are always so shocked. So we cheated a little. Every corporation cheats, and
American corporations cheat the best. We learned from them. Look at how many of them don’t
even pay all their taxes. Shocking. But our cheating didn’t kill anyone. GM’s ignition-switch defect
killed 100 Americans. Shocking. Look at the stock market collapse in 2008. Who caused that
worldwide depression? Greedy U.S. corporations. Shocking. Now Americans are shocked
because they say Europe is not welcoming the Syrian refugees. Excuse me; America’s bigger than
Europe. In fact, Texas is bigger than Europe. Where’s George W? He opened this can of worms in
2003. He should be waving his cowboy hat, inviting all of Syria to come live on his ranch.”
[7.2, 54.9, 0%, 7.1, 150]

836. Dog Takes Dump, Lady Takes Hike

Horace turned left when he got to the northwest corner of Pratt Institute. He headed south on
the sidewalk past the 9-foot-high iron bars, just like the White House ones, that enclosed the
campus. Why the fence, he often wondered. Ahead of him, a big, ugly pit bull mix was squatting.
Its pony-tailed owner waited. When the dog finished doing its business, the owner walked away
without putting the waste into a plastic bag. Horace walked past the fresh pile. A dog and a pig, he
thought. He walked onto campus through the gate at DeKalb Street and sat down near one of the
many intriguing outdoor sculptures. Works of art were everywhere on campus. Sitting next to a
totally white, eight-foot-tall woman’s head, he called his wife. Hearing about the woman and her
dog, his wife said, “She didn’t see it as poop; she saw it as performance art.”
[5.0, 79.6, 0%, 12.5, 150]

837. Mom Goes On Till She Passes On

William called his 87-year-old mom every evening around six. She always began, “Hi, honey.
I’m so glad you called. I was just sitting here next to the phone.” Then she proceeded to tell him at
length about her day, which happened to be just like the day before. And the day before that. He
just politely listened, never mentioning how often she repeated herself. But one evening he had to
ask her, because he couldn’t refrain anymore. “Mom, do you know your stories just go on and on?
And they’re always the same?” She said, “Of course I know that. But that’s my life. I’m old; my
stories are old. But I still have some excitement every day. That’s when you call me. My only real
pleasure in life now is talking to you. I can’t bend your father’s ear anymore. So please, bear with
me until I’m gone too.”
[3.2, 85.5, 0%, 8.3, 150]

838. Telephone: Not Just a Kid’s Game

A reporter was interviewing a famous novelist. Flora said, “Fluffy likes to sleep on my sofa.”
Phil said, “So, you’re saying that you don’t like your cat sleeping on your sofa because she always
leaves hair that you have to vacuum up. And that before she jumps onto the sofa, she usually takes a
few seconds to sharpen her claws by digging into the sides of the sofa. What you’re suggesting is
that—” Flora interrupted. “No, I’m not suggesting anything, and I didn’t say any of that. Who’s the
fiction writer here? If I say, ‘I have no bananas,’ are you going to report that I said there’s a
worldwide banana crisis and everyone should purchase all the bananas they can and hoard them in
commercial refrigerators? You reporters are all alike. Life’s myriad grains of everyday sand have
no value unless you can fabricate phony pearls out of them.”
 [7.5, 65.5, 0%, 13.6, 150]

839. Next Search: “Affordable” Lawyer

He needed to find a lawyer. He wanted his estate to be in order when he was found dead on a
sidewalk or in a crosswalk after a bloody collision. He searched online for Will Lawyer. He got
thousands of results. He narrowed his search to Brooklyn Will Lawyer. He got thousands more
results. They covered all of Brooklyn. He didn’t want all of Brooklyn. He wanted one part of
Brooklyn, the Sheepshead Bay part. He searched for Sheepshead Bay Will Lawyer. He got all of
Brooklyn again. He searched the room for his local phone book. He found one Will Lawyer in the
yellow pages. He called. A dog groomer answered. There’s only one thing for me to do in this
Time of Too Many Terabytes, he decided. He searched for a lawyer the old-fashioned way. He
walked up and down the local business streets looking for lawyers’ signs.
[3.6, 83.8, 5.5%, 8.3, 150]

840. Cobbler with Cobwebs

When Bob got home, he took his newly repaired shoes out of the plastic bag and started to
polish them. He quickly saw that the shoes hadn’t been repaired properly. Later, on the phone, he
told his brother about the botched repair job. Brian said Bob should have looked at the shoes more
carefully before he left the shop. Bob said, “Gee, thanks. You know, I gave them a quick look in the
shop. The cobbler’s this old guy from the old country. I figured his father began teaching him how
to repair shoes when he was six years old. I figured that by now, 70 years later, he knows how to
repair shoes. I shouldn’t have to look twice. Also, I shouldn’t have to listen to Henry Hindsight tell
me what I should have done. Do you think that your hindsight is more brilliant or useful than my
own?”
[4.0, 88.1, 8.3%, 12.0, 150]
 841. NEW JOB, NEW DISEASE

AT HER NEW JOB, SARA had a small desk but a comfortable chair. Her clients sat on a cheap
plastic chair. Most interviews lasted about an hour. Tommy’s interview lasted longer. He was 26.
He was single, thin, and pretty. He asked a lot of questions. He sighed a lot. Midway through the
two hours, he said he was HIV+. Sara tightened up. Shortly afterward, Tommy said he had TB.
When the interview ended, she rushed into the bathroom and scrubbed her hands. They say HIV
isn’t contagious, she thought, but they say a lot of things. After soaping up handfuls of paper
towels, she wiped down her desk and the plastic chair. That night, she phoned her mom about
Tommy. Her mom said, “Don’t visit me until you get checked out for TB.” Sara said, “Oh, gosh!
I’ve been so worried about HIV that I almost forgot about TB!”
[3.3, 85.5, 0%, 8.3, 150]

842. The Fat Rises to the Top

Dave thought people who drank, smoked, or ate to excess were weak. He told anyone who
listened, “They like to say that it’s not their fault, that it’s an addiction or a disease. It’s neither
one; they’re just weak. A little thing like a cigarette, a shot, or a cookie is stronger than a big
human being? All it takes is will power.” At work one day, the company director, Lisa, asked
Dave why he’d been disrespectful to his supervisor, Monica. Dave said, “I wasn’t. She accused
me of goofing off. I just set her straight.” Lisa said, “You should’ve sent an email to Monica’s
supervisor instead of getting in her face.” Lisa wrote him up. When he got home, Dave told his
wife, “Both of those cows weigh over 200 pounds. Why would a company put them in control of a
workforce when they can’t even control a utensil?”
[4.4, 82.0, 0%, 11.5, 150]

843. Gargoyle Watches B38s Go By

Dean waited near Flatbush Avenue. When the B38 Limited arrived, he took a window seat
behind the driver. He loved the ride eastward to work through the Brooklyn neighborhood. First
came the popular BAM Harvey Theater. Was he ever going to catch a show there? Then the bus
turned left up Lafayette Avenue. He watched kids pour out of the G station and head toward school.
Their whole lives were ahead of them, just as his once was. He enjoyed seeing the Eiffel Tower
(in Brooklyn!) on the French Cleaners storefront. Minutes later, passing a red brick apartment
building, he studied a huge, beige gargoyle looking southeast. A solitary gargoyle, 30 feet up, on
the corner of an apartment building. Every day Dean wondered, Why?! Just blocks ahead, the
grand Queen of All Saints Church displayed dozens of watchful gargoyles on its walls. Had one
just wanted more elbow room?
[5.3, 75.8, 0%, 10.7, 150]

844. Drunken Vegans: Where’s the Beef?!

Clarence said to his wife, “Listen to this. Forty percent of vegetarians admit that, when they’re
drunk, their favorite food is fried chicken, barbecued wings, or hamburgers. I knew it! They’re all
pretenders. When they’re sober, they order organic kale rinsed in arctic spring water. They’ll spice
up their kale salad with a dash of sea salt. They order a gluten-free cracker on the side. For
dessert, they’ll have a fair trade, brown-sugar cube, which they spear with a toothpick from a
responsibly managed forest. Then they finish their ‘dinner’ by complaining about how many
calories they just consumed. But look out; when they get drunk, they head straight to the
meatpacking district! Roast beef, shish kebab, and Swedish meatballs. What a bunch of phony
baloneys. Meat eaters aren’t like that; meat is in our bones. When we get drunk, you’ll never see us
ordering a plateful of carrot sticks.”
[5.1, 74.9, 0%, 10.7, 150]

845. Best Rx for Job Stress

Cheryl worked for a NYC agency. Needy clients came to her job center every day. They
needed cash assistance. They needed Medicaid. They needed food stamps. Each client sat in a
plastic chair next to Cheryl’s desk. She put all their information into the computer. The computer
calculated all the information to arrive at a dollar amount for the client. The dollar amount was
never correct, because Cheryl never put in all the correct information. Cheryl didn’t know what
she was doing, but her supervisors always said, “Don’t worry. You’ll get it.” Cheryl got a
headache. She got a stomachache. She got insomnia. She even got pimples. But she never got “it.”
She was stressed out. She scheduled an appointment with a psychiatrist. A week later, she
canceled it. The receptionist asked, “You don’t want to reschedule?” Cheryl said, “Nope! Cancel
it. Who needs a shrink? I quit the job!”
[4.5, 73.5, 4.1%, 6.2, 150]

846. Ain’t No Sunshine Now You’re Gone

I can’t wash my hands without hearing you chiding me, “Wash your hands thoroughly,” without
thinking of you demonstrating one day how to properly wash one’s hands in the bathroom sink. I
loved your cleanliness! I can’t see a couple holding hands without thinking of us as we walked
throughout Manhattan. I can’t watch a woman haul her luggage up the subway station stairs without
thinking of you lugging everything into our new apartment months before I joined you here in
Manhattan. I can’t turn on my phone without looking at the photo of you sitting on the sofa,
resewing all the buttons on a blouse that you had just bought, because you didn’t trust the factory-
sewn buttons to stay on. We used to sit on that sofa and watch the Oscars. We gave the sofa, and
lots of other things in our apartment, to a stranger. Now we’re strangers.
[8.3, 68.7, 0%, 18.7, 150]

847. Nerds Are for Trusting

Jenny from FixPCsbyNerds.com called John. She said that unauthorized persons were
accessing his computer. With his permission, she installed GoToControl on his laptop and opened
the “netstats” screen. She said, “See all those ‘Established’ accounts in column four? They’re
monitoring your keystrokes, including your passwords. For only $400, we can give you our
guaranteed hack-proof, three-year security patch.” He said, “But I can’t afford $400.” She said,
“Are you over 50? You’ll qualify for a $100 discount.” He said, “Yes, but $300 is still a lot of
money. I’m unemployed.” Jenny said, “In that case, we can give you another $50 discount.” John
said, “Let me think about it.” She said, “Sure, but these discounts end at midnight.” He said, “I’ve
never even heard of your company before.” She said, “We’ll give you a complete refund if you’re
dissatisfied for any reason.” He said, “Really? For any reason? I’m in.”
[5.7, 66.2, 0%, 7.8, 150]

848. Gas Co.: You Just Wait for Us!

The National Griddle rep called. “We think something’s wrong with your gas meter. We need
to send someone to check it out. While there, he also needs to check out your stove. That means
you have to be home.” Claire said, “Well, thank goodness! I’ve always thought my meter was
malfunctioning. My bills are ridiculous! So, how does Wednesday sound?” The rep said, “Okay,
someone’ll be there Wednesday from 8 a.m. to 11:59 p.m.” Claire exclaimed, “Eight to midnight?
You think I’m going to wait all day and all night for your gasman?” The rep said, “If you’re not
there when he comes, we’ll bill you $12.68.” Claire stammered, “If-if-if you do, I’ll call the
police!” The rep said, “Read your contract. How about Saturday, noon to six?” Claire agreed. The
gasman failed to arrive on Saturday. But when Claire’s next gas bill arrived, she saw a little
assessment: $12.68.
[4.2, 78.6, 0%, 7.8, 150]

849. I’ll Stick to You like Gum to a Shoe

He felt that the interview at 245 Houston Street for a NYS veterans’ advisor position had not
gone well, since all three interviewers had paid more attention to their cellphones than to his
answers. Walking back to the West 4 Street subway station, he stepped in some moist brown stuff.
He immediately stepped in a nearby puddle in an attempt to dissolve the stuff. Once home, he
checked out the rubber sole of his shoe. No brown stuff was there, but something much worse was
—gum! Denouncing the gum spitter, he took a toothbrush and some cleansers into the bathroom and
went to work. Twenty minutes later, he had removed only half the gum. He went to Doody’s Home
Center and bought a bottle of GoodbyeToABCGum for $4. Back home, boiling some water to make
coffee, he had an idea. Later that day, he returned the unopened bottle to Doody’s.
[6.8, 72.6, 0%, 15.0, 150]

850. Space Heater: Too Many Choices

His apartment in the 80-year-old building had four windows facing south, through which he
could see the Belt Parkway traffic. Not clearly, because each double-paned window was streaky
with condensation and water stains. Worse, the windows were drafty. Last year he’d applied
“weather proof” tape to the window frames, but Old Man Winter still made himself at home. He’d
spent the whole winter bundled up from head to toe. This year, he decided to buy a space heater.
He went online. He found dozens of space heaters and hundreds of reviews. He went to a nearby
hardware store and examined fourteen display models. He left, shaking his head. A week later, his
sister asked which one he’d bought. He said, “None. There were too many. I didn’t want to choose
the wrong one, take it back, pick another one, take it back. It’s simpler just to wait for global
warming.”
[4.1, 82.8, 0%, 10.0, 150]

851. Schizophrenia: A Life Too Long

EllyMay answered the phone. It was her brother Pete; he’d had schizophrenia for the last 40
years. She asked, “How are you doing?” He said, “Same as ever. Can’t be dead soon enough. I
wake up, I make my coffee, I smoke my cigarettes, I drink my beer. At six, I take my sleeping pill
and my useless meds.” EllyMay knew how terrible Pete’s life was. She said, “I know. Nothing
helps. Your life sucks every day.” He said, “Tomorrow I see my doctor. He probably wants to see
if my aneurysm’s gotten any bigger. Last time it was 4.4 centimeters. He’ll probably want me to get
another CAT scan. I won’t! Let it grow! The sooner it goes, I go.” She said, “Well, I just hope it’s
painless.” Pete said, “Me too. Just remember, don’t let me go without my lighter, a box of
Marlboros, and a Bud longneck.”
[3.0, 85.4, 0%, 7.1, 150]

852. Finally, a Dream Come True!

He couldn’t believe it. He double-checked the numbers. He triple-checked them. He was
grateful he hadn’t gone blind; he’d always worried the shock would blind him on the spot. He
turned the ticket over. He wrote down his name and phone number, and then hers. Next to her name,
he wrote 70 percent. She had worked so hard most of her life to make life comfortable for her
invalid mom and her ungrateful son. He should give her the whole thing, he thought. But he needed
to share something with his own mom and siblings. He took a picture of the front and back of the
ticket. He wondered where he could put the ticket so it would be safe that night, in case anyone
broke in. He wasn’t going to tell her until a lottery representative on Beaver Street high-fived him.
After all these years, life was—finally!—good!
[3.5, 87.2, 0%, 10.7, 150]

853. The New NYC: No Roaches, No Rubberneckers

While the mayor and city council members were sleeping in The City That Never Sleeps,
developers made their own dream come true. They’d infiltrated the Landmarks Conservancy and
written its final announcement: “Everyone knows that change is good. We have been blocking
change. That’s not good. We hereby abolish ourselves.” Almost immediately, all the mom and pop
stores, all the bodegas, all the barbershops, all the newsstands, all the manicure salons—all the
shops that gave the city its character, its personality, its flavor—disappeared. Replacing them were
shiny, glassy, stainless steely chain banks, chain drugstores, chain coffee shops, and chain one-
percenter towers. It was as if someone, seeing an unruly jungle full of snakes and lizards, flowers
and fruits, and screeching birds and monkeys, had burnt it to the ground and replaced it with a
lawn, every mown blade of grass like another, as green as it was sterile.
[9.9, 56.9, 0%, 18.7, 150]

854. Art: A Moustache on a Photo

Penny turned the page of the magazine. A two-color photo filled the next two pages. She was
about to turn the page again when she happened to catch the caption. It said that the artist had
decided that pink smoke billowing out of a yellow spaghetti squash was “art.” Studying the photo,
Penny decided that it was pretty cool. She wondered how the artist was able to make pink smoke
come out of a yellow squash. In the caption, however, he didn’t explain how he did it. He just said,
“The purpose of art is to turn the mundane into the strange.” At a street fair a week later, Penny
watched a man dressed in a clown costume twist and tie ordinary multi-colored pipe cleaners into
animal figures. Picking up a “dog,” Penny asked, “Is this art?” The man said, “Miss, for $1.50, you
can call it whatever you like.”
[6.0, 76.2, 0%, 13.6, 150]

855. Empathy Won’t Get You Hired

Hiram went to a job interview on Houston Street. Three men were sitting at a large wooden
table. He knew these men. They had interviewed him once already for a counseling job in the
Manhattan office. Today’s interview was for the Brooklyn office. Halfway through the interview, a
cellphone vibrated. An interviewer went outside to answer the call. Meanwhile, Hiram noticed
another interviewer scrolling through his cellphone. The third interviewer asked Hiram, “What’s
your greatest strength?” The other interviewer reentered the room. This time his phone rang, and he
answered it quietly at the table. Hiram said, “Empathy. I’m very good at tuning into how others are
feeling. For example, I see that two of you are busy with your phones. That’s because I’m boring
you. I apologize. In fact, I’m boring myself.” With that, Hiram took out his own cellphone, turned it
on, and silently started checking his email.
[5.7, 68.6, 0%, 8.3, 150]

856. A Man and His New Dog

Vince was talking to his brother Don. Don’s wife had recently brought home Slate from an
animal shelter. Don said, “I almost said take him back at first. But he became best buds with
Trooper right off the bat. And he’s starting to put on weight. I think Slate’s going to be about ten
pounds heavier than Trooper. He’s already got a bigger head and neck.” Vince got suspicious.
“What breed is Slate?” Don said, “Pit bull.” Vince hated pit bulls. He said, “You’ve got to be
kidding. You’ve got a grandson that you babysit regularly, and you’re going to let a pit bull near
him? Once your daughter finds out that you have a pit bull, she’ll never bring her son to your house
again.” Don said, “What’re you talking about?! Remember that puppy they got for him to play with
on his first birthday? It’s a pit bull!”
[2.7, 91.2, 0%, 8.8, 150]

857. End of the World 2.0

A Russian passenger plane headed out of Egypt to St. Petersburg. The plane disintegrated
shortly after reaching 31,000 feet. A terrorist group had achieved its long-sought goal. The group
leader proclaimed responsibility for all 224 deaths. Airline and government officials quickly
dismissed the claim. A week went by. President Obama said that maybe terrorists had indeed
planted a bomb on the plane. The terrorist leader told his second in command, “‘Maybe’?! They
continue to underestimate us. Next year, we will rock their world. Next year we’ll make 9/11 look
like the pop of an American boy’s cap pistol.” In addition to the cargo bomb, the group had
developed an idiot-proof, hide-in-plain-sight, carry-on bomb. The day before Thanksgiving, 100
loyalists boarded 100 passenger planes worldwide. The planes lifted into the air within minutes of
one another. Half an hour later, the zealots blew themselves and the planes out of the sky.
[7.9, 55.9, 0%, 10.0, 150]

858. Press 1 for English

Your call is very important to us. However, due to a high volume of calls, our agents are busy
assisting others. Please hold. Music. Ring! This call may be recorded. Press 1 for English. “Hello,
this is Ms. Brown. Thank you for calling Customer Service. How may I help you?” Keith said,
“How? How about ‘Why’? Why do I have to press 1 for English? Every company I call, I have to
press 1 for English! It’s bad enough I have to be on hold, listen to menu after menu, yell at a dumb
robot, and listen to bad music. And then I have to press 1 for English?! I’m tired of pressing 1 for
English. I’m not in a foreign country. I’m in America!” She said, “Begging your pardon, sir. You
are in a foreign country. It’s not the country you grew up in. It’s not your America anymore.”
[2.9, 85.7, 4.3%, 6.5, 150]

859. A Hard Look in the Mirror

They were in Uniqlo on 34th Street. The three-story clothing store had big wall mirrors
everywhere. After he helped her put on a dark gray vest she was interested in, he stood next to her
while she looked in the mirror. He looked at himself. He saw his big ears and his small head. He
didn’t have just a pinhead; he also had an egghead. He was a pinhead-egghead! He saw his narrow
shoulders and wide hips. He had a shape like a diamond, more womanly than manly. He was the
winner?!, he often wondered. He shook his head. She asked, “You don’t like it?” He said, “No,
sorry. I’m shaking my head at me. I’m sure not anything to look at.” She said, “No, you’re not,
honey. But I’m not with you because of how you look to me. I’m with you because of how you look
at me.”
[2.4, 91.6, 0%, 8.3, 150]

860. Four Weekends Is Forever?

He’d already received his 12 issues of the weekend Times. But the paperman delivered a 13th
issue on Friday and a 14th issue on Saturday. He called the paper. “Something’s wrong. The
paperman’s still delivering the paper.” The representative, Sheryll, said, “Nothing’s wrong. You
haven’t canceled.” He said, “But I only ordered four weekends.” She said, “No, you ordered four
weekends at the promotional price of $8. Now you’re paying the regular price for your
subscription.” He said, “Subscription?! What subscription?! Four weekends isn’t a subscription.”
She said, “It is if you don’t cancel.” He said, “Cancel me!” She said, “Okay, you’re canceled. But
you still owe $8 plus new charges of $36.80 makes $44.80 total.” He said, “I’ll pay $8 total,
period!” He hung up. He told his wife about the scam. She said, “You deserve it for being greedy.”
He said, “Greedy? A super deal isn’t being greedy!”
[5.0, 70.4, 0%, 6.5, 150]

861. Wife Lists Hubby’s Writing Skills

He often read articles about accomplished writers. Like him, many writers had grown up in
New York City. Many had dreamed of writing The Great American Novel. He told his wife, “I
have so much in common with other writers, but they’re published and admired, and I’m neither.
What’s their secret? Where’ve I gone wrong?” She said, “You’re not a real writer; you’re an
Internet writer. Your stories are yawners. They make me rub my eyes. They make me stop reading.
They make me look out the window for something interesting. If you were a painter, your portfolio
would be Little Beige, Medium Beige, and Big Beige. If you were an architect, your skyscrapers
would be tall cardboard boxes with cheap plastic windows. If—” He said, “Okay, enough already.
I got it! Stop beating a dead horse.” She said, “The horse was okay until it read one of your
stories!”
[4.3, 78.1, 0%, 8.3, 150]

862. Horn of Used to Be Plenty

A pound of ground beef costs $8. A pound of ground coffee costs $15. A pound of ground horn
—rhino horn—costs $30,000. However, rhino horn customers aren’t complaining. They know that
$30,000 is cheap compared to what they’ll have to pay for the last horn from the last rhino
standing. They’re prepared to pay a million dollars for it. They’re even prepared to kill one
another to get their hands on that horn; murder of a few fellow connoisseurs is incidental to those
who would murder an entire species. Incidentally, an archaeology team recently dug up a scroll
from an emperor’s gravesite in Asia. The scroll says, “After they kill all the rhinos, men who still
wish to appear manly must add ground roach antennae, housefly wings, and mosquito eyes to their
daily meals.” The team leader said, “Well, at least that’s three species we won’t mind seeing
dead.”
[7.5, 64.9, 0%, 15.0, 150]

863. Mankind’s No. 1 Foe Is NOT Man?!

The scientist told the host of a late-night radio talk show, “George, you’d think that we humans
were our own worst enemy. We’re polluting our oceans with oil and plastic. We’re polluting our
rivers with farm and industrial waste. Combustion engines and coal-burning power plants are
turning our sky brown. We’re deforesting our forests and defishing our oceans. Global warming is
turning Iceland into Riceland and, soon, Coney Island’s Parachute Jump will become its Parachute
Reef. Most governments’ research money goes toward weaponry. We’re so busy destroying Mother
Earth and our neighbors that we’re ignoring our real worst enemy—the Starry Stalker in the Sky.
Meteorites strike our planet regularly. There’s a 30-kilometer meteor out there right now with our
name on it. But we can still save ourselves if we put aside our petty differences right now and
unite to wage war against the heavens instead of the ‘heathens.’”
[8.9, 55.0, 0%, 13.7, 150]

864. Buses Don’t Just Walk Away

Many people can’t stop smoking or drinking. Some people can’t stop biting their nails,
chewing gum, or shoplifting. Darryl can’t stop “shoplifting” trains and buses. He illegally drove an
A train, properly stopping at six stops, when he was only 16. Since then, he has illegally driven 22
more trains and buses. He has never threatened or injured anyone or damaged any property.
Recently, a Greyhound bus driver pulled into the Port Authority in Manhattan. The passengers and
driver left the bus. An hour later, NYPD caught Darryl driving the empty bus in Flatbush. He was
wearing an MTA bus driver’s uniform and grinning. The judge sentenced Darryl, 58 and autistic
since childhood, to cognitive behavioral training. The judge said, “I don’t blame you. The next
time you ‘borrow’ a vehicle, whoever’s in charge of the lax security at that location will become
familiar with ‘excellent’ security—in my jail.”
[7.7, 59.7, 0%, 11.5, 150]

865. Achtung! Guten Morgen! Gesundheit!

He said, “It’s not just any parade. It’s Veterans Day parade. It’s bigger than the Thanksgiving
Day parade.” His daughter said, “It doesn’t even have Snoopy! And Nancy and I were going to go
to the mall.” He said, “You’re right—no Snoopy. And guess what? If your grandparents, and
millions of others, hadn’t served in World War II, there wouldn’t be a Snoopy. There wouldn’t be a
Thanksgiving Day parade. There wouldn’t be a Thanksgiving Day! And you and Nancy wouldn’t
be spending the day at the mall. You’d be living in an armory filled with 1,000 cots and sewing
machines. All 1,000 of you girls would get up at dawn, exercise, sing German battle hymns, eat
sauerkraut and sausage, and then sew Nazi flags until dusk. Then, after more sauerkraut and
sausage, you’d go to bed. The next day—” She asked, “Can we bring Nancy to the parade?”
[4.5, 79.9, 0%, 10.0, 150]

866. Fewer Tires, More Profit

She heard a loud flapping noise. After parking beside the road, she discovered that she had a
flat tire. No problem. She’d taken a basic auto mechanics class in junior college. She knew how to
change a tire. She opened the trunk and looked for the spare. Did someone steal my spare, she
wondered. She opened the glove compartment and thumbed through the new-smelling owner’s
guide. On page 38, it said, “In order to better serve owners, we have not provided this vehicle
with an emergency tire. In case of a flat, owners should call their preferred towing service.” How
am I better served, she wondered, by not having a spare tire? Would they sell jeans without a
secret pocket? Would they sell nail clippers without a file? Would they sell a pot without a lid?
Would they sell a toy without a battery? Toy companies started it, she decided.
[4.4, 80.0, 0%, 9.3, 150]

867. No Law and No Order

The mayor told his staff, “Muggings. Robberies. Shootings. Stabbings. Every day, every
borough. How can we make our Big Apple safer?” They thought, and thought, and thought. A year
later at a festive site beside the Hudson, Big Bird proudly announced, “Welcome to CrimmeLannd,
where you can scratch all your criminal itches! Get them out of your system here, so when you go
home, you are at peace with yourself and your upstairs neighbor. You want to push your boss off a
subway platform? You want to run over your nagging mother-in-law? You want to mug a stupid
tourist? You want to rob a rude taxi driver? You want to get in a cop’s face and call him every
name in the book? No problem! CrimmeLannd’s generic and custom-order androids endure—and
deserve!—all the abuse you care to administer. Anything goes, just as long as it stays—in
CrimmeLannd.”
[4.4, 78.8, 0%, 8.8, 150]

868. No Smoking Anywhere in America!

Federal agency HUD proposed a ban against smoking in public housing nationwide. The ban
would save taxpayers $150 million annually in health care and fire damage costs. It applies to
common areas, such as lobbies, and to adjacent outside areas. More infuriating to many residents
is that it applies to the apartments themselves. A Queens resident said, “I can’t smoke in my own
apartment?! What next? I can’t deep-fry my Spam? I can’t put four spoons of sugar in my coffee?
It’s not fair! Every law in this country discriminates against the poor.” However, a Bronx resident
said, “It’s about time. Everyone knows that smoke drifts into neighboring apartments through
outlets and windows. I can smell my next-door neighbor’s foul cigarettes every time he lights up. I
immediately start coughing my lungs out—I know he can hear me!—but he keeps on smoking. He’s
killing me, but nobody cares!”
[6.5, 65.8, 0%, 10.0, 150]

869. If Kitty Won’t Eat It, More for Me

Sam named his newest rescue cat Universe. He had named his previous two rescue cats, may
they rest in peace, Cosmos and Galaxy. Universe, Sam quickly discovered, had a GI problem:
diarrhea. Sam had to clean her litter box five times a day. He took Universe to the vet. The vet
gave Sam some medicine and charged him $100. He said if the medicine didn’t work, he had Plan
B medicine costing $200. Plan A medicine didn’t work; Sam passed on Plan B. Talking to his mom
one day, he mentioned Universe’s problem. His mom said, “Chow had diarrhea, but we gave him
plain yogurt for two weeks, and bingo, he was a new dog.” Sam said, “Plain? Dogs’ll eat anything,
won’t they?” The next day he bought Universe Mixed Berry yogurt, his favorite. He was surprised
—and only a little disappointed—when she lapped it up, berries and all.
[5.0, 78.0, 0%, 11.5, 150]

870. When Apt. Neighbors Are Vandals

A week ago, the super had secured another wireless tablet to the elevator wall. In addition to
displaying digital advertising, the Samsung tablet displayed the time, weather, and daily headlines.
Yesterday morning, Sue stepped into the elevator and turned to read the headlines. For the second
time in a month, the tablet was gone. A thief or thieves had pried it off the wall. She shook her
head. Who are these bad neighbors, she wondered. She decided to play detective. She immediately
dismissed women and older men as culprits. That left younger men. Whenever she stood in the
elevator with a younger man, she smiled and said hello. She gauged his guilt by his reaction. If he
smiled and said hello, he wasn’t guilty. If he ignored her or just grunted, he was probably guilty. It
took her only a month to unearth nine shifty suspects. She called the super.
[5.4, 72.6, 0%, 9.3, 150]

871. What Are WE—Chopped Liver?

Barely a day went by in 2015 without a terrorist or two attacking or killing any number of
victims worldwide. Bent on spreading fear and spilling blood equally, terrorists kidnapped,
bombed, shot, stabbed, and hacked their way around the equator. Yet only the Friday the 13th
massacre of 130 people in Paris prompted the U.S. Secretary of State to proclaim, “We are all
Parisians.” He didn’t say, “We are all Kenyans,” when terrorists slaughtered 140 students at a
Christian college in Kenya. He didn’t say, “We are all Yemenis,” when terrorists killed 130
worshippers at a mosque in Yemen. He didn’t say, “We are all Russians,” when terrorists blew up
the Metrojet with over 200 Russians aboard. He didn’t say, “We are all Lebanese,” when terrorists
killed or injured 240 people in a Beirut residential district the evening before the Paris savagery.
Many wonder, Why are we all “Parisians” only?
[11.0. 49.0, 0%, 18.7, 150]

872. Remove HS Metal Detectors

After attending a PTA meeting one evening at her son’s high school, Mabel went home upset. It
was the first time she had actually seen the Bronx school’s metal detectors. She did some research
and called the principal. She said, “I just read that you haven’t confiscated a single knife or gun
since you installed the detectors, so what good are they? All they do is intimidate the students.
They make them feel like they’re in jail. How can kids be excited about learning when they have to
pass through what’s basically prison hardware?” The principal said, “First, they actually work.
Second, our contract doesn’t allow their removal. However, the company’s offering a newly
designed detector. It has a subway-like turnstile. I think the kids’ll get a big kick out of it.” She
asked, “How so?” He said, “Because they can have fun jumping over the turnstile without getting
arrested!”
[5.7, 73.0, 0%, 10.7, 150]

873. There’s Always Someone Faster, Stronger

Stan was bragging on the N train to his friend Joe. “This guy stepped on my foot in Murray’s
Bar. He thought he could just apologize for it. He learned different. I punched him out. They were
brand new shoes.” Standing nearby, Bruce said, “I could knock you out with one punch, mister.”
Stan looked Bruce over and said, “Excuse me?” Bruce said, “One punch, one knockout.” Stan
laughed. “I ought to knock you out right now.” Bruce said, “I have $1,000 on me. Your friend can
hold my money. You, however, don’t have to put up a dime. I don’t want your money; I just want
the pleasure.” Stan laughed again. “You’re on, buddy!” They got off at 34th Street and walked over
to Greeley Square Park. It was empty. Stan’s first three punches were also empty. Bruce threw one
punch. Then he held out his hand to Joe.
[1.1, 98.1, 0%, 6.8, 150]

874. A Trip to a MuZZZeum

She dragged him to the new museum on the west side. While she meandered throughout each
floor enraptured, he sat on the nearest bench reading Yelp reviews. Later, at a restaurant the
reviews were right about, she sighed, “All the paintings were so beautiful, so inspiring.” He said,
“Really? What’d they inspire you to do?” She said, “To do? Well, nothing, yet.” He said, “Well,
then, they weren’t ‘inspiring.’ They were merely ‘interesting.’ ‘Inspiring’ makes you do something.
That’s the critical difference between paintings and music.” She said, “Oh, really? What, pray tell,
has music ever inspired you to do?” He said, “Haven’t you ever noticed me with my headphones
on—nodding my head, tapping my feet, singing along?” She said, “That’s ‘doing’ something? A
monkey can nod its head, tap its feet, and ‘sing’ along.” He said, “Well, there you go. Music’s so
powerful it can inspire even monkeys!”
[4.2, 79.3, 0%, 8.3, 150]

875. WaJaDo? Nuttin. WherJaGo? Nowhere.

She asked, “What’d you do today?” He said, “Nothing.” She said, “You couldn’t have done
‘nothing’; you must’ve done something. Did you look for a job?” He said, “Yes, I did. I looked out
the window.” She said, “Don’t be funny. You need a job.” He said, “Tell me something I don’t
know. I walked down to the corner and hung a sign around my neck. It said, ‘Will work for
chocolate ice cream.’ Nobody hired me.” She said, “Of course not. What a stupid sign!” He said,
“You’re right. Tomorrow I’ll change it to ‘vanilla’; that’s America’s favorite flavor.” She said,
“So, another wasted day. All you did was get a day older. That was your only accomplishment.”
He said, “Better I didn’t get a day older. That would really be an accomplishment. If I could do
that and bottle it, I wouldn’t need to look for a job.”
[1.9, 92.2, 0%, 6.8, 150]

876. Man Tries 50 Runs, 50 States

Since Ben retired three months ago, he’d been puttering around the house. He spent a lot of
time watching TV and reading newspapers. He hadn’t taken his wife out to a movie or restaurant
even once. One day he said, “Listen to this. Some guy’s going to run a marathon in every state.
Tomorrow he’s running in Colorado. That’ll be his 26th marathon in 26 different states.” Ben’s
wife said, “That’s nice.” Ben said, “I guess. But what’s the point? After he runs 50 marathons in 50
different states, then what? Does he run 200 marathons in 200 different countries? Then what?
Does he go on the Today Show? Does someone buy the movie rights? Who’d want to watch that
movie? On top of it all, the guy’s 60! He’s over the hill! He’ll never make it to 50. I don’t get it.”
She said, “Maybe his wife suggested it.”
[3.6, 81.7, 0%, 7.1, 150]

877. Whose Nose Do You Want?

Ms. Smith got these answers from her eighth graders: I wish I had someone else’s face,
because mine has fresh pimples almost every day. I wish I had someone else’s feet, because mine
are too wide for fashionable shoes. I wish I had someone else’s ears, because mine stick out. I
wish I had someone else’s hair, because mine is red. I wish I had someone else’s eyes, because
mine are useless without coke-bottle lenses. I wish I had someone else’s voice, because mine is no
good for singing in the choir. I wish I had someone else’s legs, because mine are too hairy. I wish I
had someone else’s nose, because mine is exactly like my uncle’s big hooked nose, and I’m a girl!
Sally asked, “What about you, Ms. Smith?” Ms. Smith said, “I wish I had 10-foot arms, so I could
hug all of you at once!”
[6.6, 74.4, 0%, 15.1, 150]

878. Say Goodbye to Geo. Washington

Students demanded that the administration of an Ivy League college rename one of its
buildings. It had been named in honor of George Washington. Students reminded officials that
Washington, although a Revolutionary War hero and the country’s founding father and first
President, was also a slave owner. After weighing their P’s and C’s, administration officials
renamed it the Jack Arabus building. The students were pleased. Students nationwide demanded
the same treatment for buildings on their campuses bearing George’s moniker. Again, it was done.
Activists nationwide thought, Hey, why stop at campuses? Why not rename George-everything,
everywhere in America? Despite opposition, from the same people who’d lost the war, it was
done. (The Social Security Fund footed the bill.) Manhattan’s George Washington Bridge became
Manhattan’s Jack Arabus Bridge. Washington, D.C. became Arabus, D.C. Washington State
became Arabus State. Everyone celebrated, except those people who’d been named George, or
Washington, or both.
[10.2, 40.8, 28.5%, 10.7, 150]

879. The Rat Race Is Over

 Bo ate the same thing Monday through Saturday. He ate a peanut butter and banana sandwich
for breakfast. He ate a can of bean with bacon soup with saltines for lunch. He ate a Salisbury
steak TV dinner for dinner. Bo looked at his phone many times every day. He looked outside his
window many times every day. He exited his apartment to run errands, such as buying soup and TV
dinners, or to do chores, such as throwing out empty soup cans and TV dinner boxes. He went to
the library every other Tuesday to borrow murder mysteries. He thought the authors of such books
were clever. He hoped to meet one someday. Nobody ever rang Bo’s doorbell except the pizza guy
on Sundays. Sunday was Bo’s day off from cooking. Bo knew his retired life was of his own
making. He accepted the sameness and tolerated the aloneness.
[5.8, 71.8, 0%, 10.7, 150]

880. The Foreigners Are Coming!

The daily killings, bombings, and terror caused millions of Syrians to flee their country.
President Obama promised to take in 10,000 refugees before year’s end. The response from many
governors was immediate and loud: Not in our back yard! They feared that terrorists, posing as
refugees, would gain entry into the U.S. The President said, “Shame on you! These are the very
people that we’ve welcomed, regardless of race or religion, throughout our history. We’ve never
turned anyone away, and we’re not going to start on my watch. Further, the fact that nobody’s
attacked America since 9/11 proves that DHS, FBI, CIA, and NSA can spot and thwart any and all
would-be terrorists. We have nothing to fear but fear itself! C’mon, America’s a big country!
We’ve got plenty of room for 10,000 refugees. Let’s welcome them with a big hug. Next year
maybe we’ll welcome a few 100,000 more!”
[7.4, 62.2, 0%, 11.6, 150]

881. The Shiny Pole of Death

When he got home, he went straight into the bathroom. When he emerged, his wife said, “I
hope you washed your hands thoroughly.” He said, “I sure did. In fact, that’s the reason I went in
there—to wash my hands thoroughly. All this time I’d thought you were being over-germaphobic,
but on the A train I read a magazine article. It was disgusting! Some guy swabbed the poles in
subway cars. He found E. coli, salmonella, and two other sicko-killers that I can’t remember the
names of. That’s my last handrail. How can something so shiny be so filthy? From now on, I sit—
or I lean against a door.” She said, “In case you have to hold on, maybe you should wear those
disposable gloves that food handlers use.” He said, “No. People might think I’m weird.” She said,
“New Yorkers might think you’re weird? Look at them!”
[3.3, 87.9, 0%, 9.3, 150]

882. Maybe He’s Just Overthinking

 He was thinking. … If there’s one good thing about death, it’s that death is the end of negative
self-talk. It’s also the end of guilt and regret. At least, as far as we know, it is. Then again, we
don’t know anything about death. Suppose our mind doesn’t cease to exist. Suppose it continues on
forever, and suppose it retains only negative self-talk, guilt, and regret. That’s certainly nobody’s
idea of “heaven.” At least in life, our mind retains positive thoughts about things such as good
friends and good times. But what if death’s “mind” consists of no positive thoughts? Just negative
thoughts, forever. But that’s absurd. God wouldn’t allow it. Then again, we don’t know anything
about God, either. Maybe God would allow it. Or maybe there isn’t even a God to not allow it. …
Now he had more problems to worry about. He was sorry he’d started thinking.
[4.1, 80.5, 0%, 8.3, 150]

883. Who Looks Most Presidential?

Bob said, “I wouldn’t vote for Jindal for the simple reason that he doesn’t look presidential.”
Ray said, “‘Simple-minded’ would be more like it. What number president is Obama?” Bob said,
“I haven’t the foggiest.” Ray said, “Forty-three. Now, as you know, no two presidents look alike.
They all look different—completely different. So does that mean there are 43 ways to ‘look
presidential’?” Bob said, “Of course not. In fact, only one president ever looked presidential. I
would’ve voted for him, too, if I hadn’t been too young to vote.” Ray said, “I’m afraid to ask.” Bob
said, “Ike, of course.” Ray said, “Eisenhower? Old, bald Eisenhower? What made him look
presidential?” Bob said, “He looked just like Yul Brynner in ‘The King and I.’” Ray said, “Hold
on. Eisenhower looked presidential because he looked like a foreign king played by a bald actor?”
Bob said, “You got it.”
[3.9, 80.9, 0%, 7.8, 150]

884. OK Earthquakes Not OK

Fracking is a drilling technique for extracting oil and natural gas from a mile or two
underground. Under high pressure, a mixture of water, sand, and additives creates cracks in shale.
Frackers then collect the oil and gas from the cracked shale. Fracking is widespread today.
However, it has its detractors. Before fracking went almost statewide in 2008, Oklahoma averaged
about three sizable earthquakes—3.0 or higher—a year. In 2015, Oklahoma had 500 such
earthquakes. Louise has lived in her Oklahoma City house since childhood. She said, “We never
had earthquakes here before. Tornadoes, yes. Blizzards, yes. Earthquakes, no. Never. Now it
seems like we have a shaker every day. Every month, I see more cracks in my walls and ceiling. I
called WeAreFracking4U headquarters. They said don’t blame them. Their scientists had
determined that fracking no more causes quakes than cigarettes cause cancer. They said blame
global warming.”
[6.3, 63.4, 0%, 7.8, 150]
 885. The Gasman Cometh, Goeth
The NoGood Gas Company said Marie’s meter needed changing. An NG rep scheduled an
appointment, but the gasman never showed up. Another rep scheduled a second appointment.
Marie was waiting when the gasman rang her doorbell. He asked, “Where’s your gas meter?” She
said, “I don’t know. Ask the super. He’s on the second floor.” She texted Carl, the super. He called
minutes later. “Where’s the gasman?” Marie didn’t know. Carl said, “Wait a minute. I’m looking
outside. I see the NG truck. Someone’s getting into it. He’s driving off. They do that all the time.”
Incensed, Marie called NG and told the rep how the gasman drove off without contacting the
super.” The rep said, “He reported that he couldn’t access your meter. So we have to schedule
another appointment. How does December 14, noon to 6, sound?” She said, “Okay. But the third
time’ll hardly be the charm.”
[3.6, 79.7, 0%, 6.2, 150]

886. M–y C––-s!

Jeremy and his family loved the holiday season. On the Monday before Thanksgiving Day,
Jeremy turned on the outdoor Christmas lights, set up the life-size Nativity scene, and played
Christmas music in their front yard. He shut it all down January 2. He’d done this for the last ten
years. But on November 1, Jeremy received a notice from the homeowners’ association. He could
no longer turn on his lights, set up the Nativity scene, or play Christmas music; non-Christians
might be offended. Jeremy called the association president. He said, “Are you crazy? My
Christmas display is protected by freedom of speech.” She said, “Not if it offends someone.” He
asked, “Did someone complain?” She said, “No, but someone might.” He said, “Well, maybe I
should burn down our neighborhood church, because the sight of it might offend someone.” She
said, “Don’t be ridiculous. This is just a Christmas thing.”
[6.0, 68.7, 13.3%, 10.0, 150]

887. Slime Slides past Damaged Dam

A dam retained a huge “lake” of red sludge. It was a by-product of an iron mine. The dam
broke, and the sludge flowed into a nearby river. The river flowed through a village about ten
miles away. The villagers depended on the lazy river for food and drinking water. They bathed,
cleaned their clothes, and swam and played in the river. They were stunned to see their river turn
red and greasy-looking. They stared at the hundreds of dead fish floating on the surface. The owner
of the dam and mine arrived at the village. The village chief yelled at him. The owner said, “Calm
down! Don’t you see the opportunity of a lifetime? While you’re yelling at me, millions of fish are
floating by. They’re dead, but they’re fresh dead. Scoop them up. Cook them. Preserve them. Who
cares if they’re red? It’s iron—iron’s good for you.”
 [3.1, 86.5, 0%, 7.8, 150]

888. What a Country—Everyone Passes

A California school district stopped issuing D’s and F’s because the two grades “depress” and
“frustrate” students. The superintendent said, “When a student receives either grade, it
embarrasses him. His parents yell at him and take away his cellphone. Such a grade can make a
student think that he’s different or deficient. He might dwell on the grade so much that he loses his
appetite for learning and for his free lunches too. We can’t have that. We can nip failure in the bud
simply by not failing our budding students. Everyone knows that children do best with
encouragement, just as everyone knows that our children are our future. From now on, students
will receive grades of A, B, C, and P—Passing. We hope other districts nationwide will follow
our lead. Most of the problems America has today are because yesterday’s teachers gave out too
many D’s and F’s.”
[6.5, 72.2, 0%, 13.6, 150]

889. Colander OK, but Not Hijab

He said, “Some woman won a court case, so she now has a Massachusetts driver’s license
photo of her wearing a colander on her head. In court she said she has a First Amendment right to
wear one because she belongs to the Pastafarian church, which is a ‘satirical’ church, not even a
real one. That started me thinking.” His wife said, “You’re going to join that church so you can get
a driver’s license with a spaghetti strainer on your head?” He said, “C’mon. My license doesn’t
even expire till next year. I’m thinking, Are clowns running this country? I just read about a woman
in our state who wasn’t allowed a driver’s license photo while wearing her hijab. The First
Amendment protects colanders but not hijabs? That doesn’t make any sense.” His wife said,
“Maybe the woman should poke a lot of little ‘satirical’ holes in her hijab.”
[6.0, 76.2, 0%, 13.6, 150]

890. Home, Sweet Home—Seller Remorse

James sold their house. Eighteen months later, he and Alicia, an operating room RN, were still
living in a rental apartment, still looking for another house to buy. En route to their realtor’s latest
“charmer,” James said, “We never should’ve sold our house. Now it’s appraised at $100,000 more
than what we sold it for. All that money, gone. And everything Lily shows us is a shack compared
to our old house, and three times as far from your hospital. I should’ve just ignored all the dogs,
drums, and whatnot. It wasn’t that bad. I should’ve just bought noise-canceling headphones.”
Alicia said, “But our neighbors were driving you crazy. All you talked about was how noisy and
inconsiderate they were. Now you’re saying it wasn’t all that bad? Yes, it was! You had a house,
but you didn’t have peace of mind. Let’s cross our fingers. Maybe today’s the day.”
[4.1, 81.6, 6.3%, 9.3, 150]
 891. BABY LEFT IN A MANGER

IT WAS THE DAY AFTER Thanksgiving. The Queens church had already decorated a large fir
tree outside and set up an elaborate Nativity scene inside. The janitor returned from lunch. Hearing
a baby’s cry, he found an abandoned infant in the manger. Next day, a childless couple talked to the
priest. The husband said, “We think God wants us to have this child.” The priest said, “I agree.
First, the mother came to this church, and second, she placed her son in your manger—the new one
you just built for us. But still, you can’t just call dibs on the child. You have to go through the ACS
adoption process.” The wife said, “We know, but if we can get your blessing, we’ll feel like we’re
more than halfway home.” He gave them his blessing. They left the church holding hands and
laughing. She said, “Let’s name him Moses!”
[3.6, 87.6, 0%, 10.7, 150]

892. Please Don’t Shoot the Help

A man pulled out his .38 caliber revolver and shot a waitress at 2 a.m. after she asked him to
smoke his cigarette outside. She died during the ambulance trip to the hospital. The 24/7 restaurant
closed during the 3-hour police investigation, but reopened afterward. A witness to the murder told
police that the waitress “could’ve asked more politely.” During the shutdown, the restaurant
manager called a day-shift waitress and promised her double-time. When she arrived, he told her,
“If someone tries to light up, don’t say a word. Two shootings in one night will finish us.” After
checking with the police chief, the restaurant owner instituted a new employee policy regarding
would-be smokers. No longer will waitresses ask a customer not to smoke. That will be the
manager’s responsibility. While the manager points at the big No Smoking sign, he’ll also be
pointing a loaded pistol at the customer.
[8.3, 59.7, 0%, 13.8, 150]

893. 90% Off! Buy! Spend! Splurge!

He said, “You’re not going shopping again?” His wife said, “Of course. It’s the holiday
season! I’m taking Sharon to Herald Square. We’ll be back whenever.” He said, “You know, you
can’t trust those stores. They suck you in with their holiday decorations, but once you’re in there
they want to keep you there until you’ve bought twice what you intended to buy. They trick you
with all their fine print. They trick you with all their prices ending in 9.99. They trick you with all
their gift cards that expire a week later. They trick you with the hues of their walls, the types of
their music, and the placement of their goods. They have more tricks up their sleeves than Santa
has lumps of coal.” She said, “Hello! Was I born yesterday? I’ll show Sharon all their tricks.
Don’t worry, dear, your money will be safe with us.”
[2.7, 91.8, 0%, 9.3, 150]

894. Babies Come from—Storks?

Paul said, “Listen to this. In England, one-fifth of young people don’t know which animals
pork and lamb come from. The same geniuses think that fish actually have ‘fingers.’” His wife
said, “Fingers?” He said, “Fish sticks; Brit-speak. It sounds like British schools are as successful
as American schools. I’ll bet one-fifth of American kids don’t know what animal their hamburgers
come from. They probably don’t even know where their milk comes from. What are they teaching
our kids nowadays? They should be learning hands-on stuff, like milking cows, shucking corn, and
feeding chickens. Whatever happened to 4-H Clubs?” Their 14-year-old daughter came home from
school. Paul asked, “Honey, where does pork come from?” She said, “Pigs.” He asked, “Where
does lamb come from?” She said, “Sheep.” He asked, “Where does money for your books and
clothes come from?” She said, “I’m not sure. I think it grows on trees.”
[2.9, 87.2, 0%, 8.0, 150]

895. Money in a Hat

Everyone was in the living room after the Thanksgiving meal. Erin said, “Sunday was
Brevyn’s twelfth birthday. I thought it’d be nice to give him an additional gift today, so I’m passing
this hat around. Put a bill in it, and he can pick one out.” After all the bills were in the hat, Erin
called Brevyn inside. She held the hat above eye level. He felt around for a bit and pulled out a
twenty. Everyone clapped. Erin passed the hat around for family members to retrieve their money.
Mike and Gary got into an argument over the last twenty remaining in the hat. After Mike lost the
argument, Brevyn walked over and handed him the twenty. Later, Erin told Brevyn how impressed
she was. He said, “I thought you were going to surprise me by giving me everything in the hat.
Twenty dollars is for the kiddie table.”
[5.1, 76.9, 0%, 10.7, 150]

896. Lexus Loses Its Luster

One day Mom told her son-in-law, “I love that car. If you ever decide to sell it, I’ll give you
$5,000 for it.” Barney snorted. “The sound system alone is worth $5,000.” Taken aback, Mom
said, “Well, one can hardly drive a sound system down the road.” Two years later, Barney decided
to sell the car. Abby knew that Mom loved it, but she also knew that Barney wanted bluebook
value for their car. Abby talked to her siblings. They all agreed to buy the car for Mom for
$20,000. They surprised her with it a month later. Mom said, “What’s this?” Abby said, “You
wanted it, so now it’s yours.” Mom said, “No, I wanted it for $5,000, not for whatever you all
must have paid for it. Now, I wouldn’t take it for $5. I’m not going to drive around in something
that reminds me of Barney’s snarkiness.”
[4.7, 78.8, 0%, 10.0, 150]

897. A Gift Set Aside

At the first family Thanksgiving after Dad’s death, Mom made a heartfelt speech about how
much help Dewey had been in the ensuing months. She presented her son a gift from the family—an
expensive medallion for his keychain. An inscription was on one side and an engraving of Dad’s
likeness on the other. Completely surprised and faltering, Dewey thanked everyone, saying he was
just helping out. “If you wanted to give me something, a T-shirt would’ve been fine,” he said.
Riding in Dewey’s truck a month later, Craig asked, “Where’s the medallion? I don’t see it on your
keychain.” Dewey said, “I hate to say this, but I don’t like the engraving. It doesn’t look like Dad.
When I think of Dad, I want to think of my Dad, not the engraver’s dad. It’s in a drawer.” Craig
said, “I told them to get you a bottle of Crown.”
[5.3, 79.0, 0%, 12.5, 150]

898. Wait List for Full-Service UES Bldg

It was Saturday. Shirley filled out a first-come, first-served, 7,000-only application for an
Affordable Studio Rental Upper East Side for only $565 a month. She dropped by the pharmacy at
3:57 to make a copy of her four-page application. The sign on the pharmacy door said Saturday
10-4. No!, she thought. She crossed the street to a realty office, where a worker kindly copied
Shirley’s application. Yes!, she thought. She strolled toward the post office. The sign on the post
office door said Saturday 8-4. No!, she thought. She went home, put five 49-cent “overkill” stamps
on the 9”x12” envelope, and walked to the loading dock behind the post office. She asked a
mailman who was finishing his route if he would take her envelope inside. He agreed. Yes!, she
thought. At home, rereading the ad, she suddenly realized that her income exceeded the maximum
allowable income. No!, she thought.
[6.7, 63.8, 0%, 9.5, 150]

899. Surprise Visit on Xmas Day

His family knew that whenever Alec said he planned to visit on Thanksgiving Day or
Christmas Day, he might not show up. Alec had schizophrenia. If his “demons” attacked him, he
had to stay home and wait them out in private. A week before last Christmas, Alec told Mom that
he was coming to the family get-together. He continued, “But don’t tell Carter. I’m going to call
him and tell him that I’m not coming, and then I’m going to surprise him.” Alec enjoyed playing
that trick occasionally. On Christmas Day, Alec tapped his brother on the shoulder and said,
“Surprise!” Carter was happy to see him. Alec asked, “Did I surprise you?” Carter said, “Well,
not really. We all know that you’re 50 percent regardless of what you say. In fact, the only time that
you’ll really surprise us is if you stop thinking that you can surprise us.”
[5.3, 77.2, 0%, 11.5, 150]

900. Soothe the Savage Breast

Deon was upset with Ezra. Ezra had left a puddle of water on the bathroom floor after taking a
shower. Deon started yelling, “How many times have I told you to mop up all the—?” He went
silent. He walked away and sat down on the sofa. Ezra knew why his dad had walked away just as
he was getting warmed up. It was the anger sensor. A year ago an inventor, Thomas Alva, had
gotten angry about all the anger in the world. Anger causes more pain and sorrow than all the
diseases put together, he thought. He invented an anger sensor that was embedded in satellites
blanketing Earth. Detecting anger, the sensor replaced it by beaming beautiful music to the
individual. Ezra, who had to walk to and from school past growls and barks, emailed Thomas.
“Your sensor works great on dads. Can you make one for dogs?”
[5.4, 75.2, 14.2%, 10.7, 150]

901. Homeless Shelter Too Close to Home

The NYC Department of Homes for the Homeless held a community meeting in Frank’s Staten
Island neighborhood. The moderator said, “We’re opening a homeless shelter in four weeks across
from your elementary school. Don’t worry. There’ll be security cameras, and a curfew, fence, and
metal detector. We’ll have security guards on the grounds 24/7. Only homeless families will live
there. Their kids’ll go to the same school as your kids, of course.” Frank said, “Of course they
won’t! I don’t want my kids going to school with homeless kids. I don’t want my kids to have
anything to do with homeless kids or their parents. There’s no telling what influence they might
have on my kids.” The moderator said, “Sir, these people are not contagious or criminals. They’re
simply homeless. Do you even know any homeless people?” Frank said, “Of course not. And I
want to keep it that way.”
[5.6, 71.1, 0%, 9.4, 150]

902. Race Together—A National Conversation

Gordon walked into Moonbucks, stated his name, and ordered a HatteLatte. Presently, an
associate walked over to Gordon’s table, sat down, presented the drink, and smiled. Gordon said
thanks. The associate said, “Gordon, call me Harris, please. Can we talk?” Gordon said, “Uh,
yeah, I guess. I’m not gay, by the way.” Harris laughed. “Sorry. Me neither. Not that there’s
anything—this is about your cup. See what it says there? ‘Race Together.’ So, you’re black. I’m
white. We can talk about it, if you’d like.” Gordon asked, “What’s there to talk about?” Harris
said, “Race! You know, I’m a white guy, you’re a black guy.” Gordon said, “Oh, I see. Even though
our color is different, we’re both males, and we both live in Queens.” Harris said, “There you go.
We do have a lot in common. Okay. I’ve got to get back to work. Thanks for sharing!”
[2.1, 89.7, 0%, 5.7, 150]

903. The Best Advice Is…

Jan said, “I’ve got a big problem at work. I—” Her brother Damien interjected, “Maybe you
should quit. Start looking for another job, but don’t quit till you’ve found one. Do you have any
vacation time? Can you transfer to another division in your company? I know a shrink who could
help; he’s cheap. Go over your boss’s head. Maybe if you change your lunch hour.” Jan said,
“Enough already! You’re like a machine gun with your pearls of wisdom. How often have I told
you to can the unasked-for advice? It’s unoriginal and it’s unappreciated.” He said, “But I’m only
trying to help.” She said, “Help by listening, not talking. It’s like if we were at dinner, and you
suddenly started shaking salt and pepper onto my rice and beans. That’s help? Be considerate. Ask
me if I want your advice.” He said, “But what if you say no?”
[3.2, 84.5, 0%, 7.5, 150]

904. What Do Old Men Think About?

I’m sitting here in my studio apartment in Sheepshead Bay. I have a cheap card table, a
comfortable office chair, and a twin bed. I have a view of a parking lot. I listen to AM radio. My
brother can’t lend me any more money. Unemployed and maybe unemployable, I’ve applied for
Social Security retirement. That, plus a small pension, might keep my head above water, while
under water I’m twisting away from and kicking at the fish nibbling at my bare arms and legs. I can
still take care of myself. But whenever I walk around my neighborhood among the gray-haired and
white-haired seniors, I catch myself saying—I’m one of them! I try not to even look at the homeless
people near the train station. If my high school girlfriend were to visit me today (how self-assured
we were!), her only thought would be, What happened to you?
[6.7, 70.6, 0%, 13.6, 150]

905. Massacres—Why Ask Why?

Someone shot up a restaurant full of customers ordering burgers and fries. Someone shot up a
high school full of hormonal teens. Someone shot up an elementary school full of wide-eyed,
innocent youngsters. Someone shot up a campus full of career-minded college students. Someone
shot up a political rally full of campaign volunteers. Someone shot up an army base full of war-
weary soldiers. Someone shot up a theater full of patrons munching on popcorn. Someone shot up a
church full of Bible-reading worshippers. Someone shot up a facility full of possible parents.
Someone shot up a Christmas party full of social service workers. After each of these “senseless”
massacres, the nation’s media screamed Why?!, as if the answer could help prevent future such
tragedies, as if the answer could somehow bring “closure” to the victims’ families and friends.
There is no answer. There is no closure. Not on Earth, anyway.
[8.2, 54.9, 0%, 10.7, 150]

906. Out of the Shadows at Last

The city council speaker, Ms. Unica Jefe, said, “Nueva York is the greatest city in the world,
and what made it great is immigrants. It’s been an immigrant city from the very beginning in 1626,
when Puerto Ricans purchased Manhattan from the First Immigrants for 24 chickens. But centuries
later, we still have immigrants hiding in the shadows. No mas! Our Shine in the Sun plan
guarantees that immigrants will become valued community members. First, we issued NYC ID
cards to every immigrant living here. Next, we made every immigrant eligible to vote in city
elections and sit on jury duty. Third, we made every immigrant eligible to run for city office.
Finally, I’m running for mayor next year. And my first act, to ensure that absolutely nobody’s left
hiding in the shadows, will be to permit sleeping in subway stations, subway cars, parks, libraries,
and on city sidewalks 24/7.”
[9.6, 85.5, 0%, 10.0, 150]

907. Grandma Gets a New Kitty

Grandma’s two joys were her books and her birds. Christmas Day, she was watching the birds
in the birdbath when 10-year-old Neil came by. He was carrying a wrapped box. “I brought you a
present, Grandma. Hurry up and open it.” She said, “Thank you, dear. What is it?” He said, “I can’t
tell you that. It’s a surprise. But I can give you a hint: meow!” He grinned. After taking the cat out
of the box, she said, “My goodness. It’s very lifelike.” He said, “It’s almost alive. You can pet it
and hug it. It meows, it purrs, and it rolls over so you can scratch its stomach. It’s just like a real
cat, except you don’t have to feed it or clean its litter box.” Grandma said, “Or worry about it
stalking my birds. Thank you, honey. What shall we name her?” Neil said, “It’s a him!”
[1.4, 97.5, 0%, 7.1, 150]

908. NPRNT
She asked, “Why’d you turn off the radio?” Her husband said, “That station irritates me
sometimes. They’ve got quite a few interesting programs and interviews, but more and more, they
present stories about the poor. There’s story after story about poor black people, poor brown
people, poor yellow people, poor red people. Did I miss a color?” She said, “You didn’t mention
poor white people.” He said, “You’re right. That’s because there are no poor white people,
according to this station. All white people are rich, and all white people are evil. They are the
source of all injustice. But get this: the station has a pledge drive twice a year. Guess who they get
most of their money from?” She said, “Rich white people?” He said, “You got it. They spend all
year making whites feel so guilty that they don’t even mind the times their hands get bit.”
 [3.8, 85.5, 0%, 10.0, 150]

909. More Ketchup, Dear?

Laura’s husband had been having severe stomach problems for years. Casey, Laura’s sister,
said, “Did you watch PBS last night? They’re studying monkeys that have stomach problems. They
filled a capsule—get this, they call it a ‘crapsule’!—with feces from a healthy monkey, fed it to a
sick monkey, and the sick monkey became healthy as a horse days later. Researchers now think that
introducing microbes from a healthy gut into an unhealthy gut can heal various GI problems.” Laura
said, “Really? That’s fantastic. I’ve never had a stomachache in my life. Maybe I can be Don’s
healthy monkey.” Casey said, “Yeah, but the clinical trials are going to take forever.” Laura said,
“No problem. I’ll do my own clinical trial. Don’s going to get the ‘crap’ without the ‘sule.’ Just
before he gets home for lunch tomorrow, I’m going to smear fresh microbes all over his meatloaf
sandwich.”
[5.5, 74.7, 0%, 10.7, 150]

910. Unpersoning—Where Does It End?

Wendy, a freshman in college, discovered that her dormitory was named after Thomas
Jefferson’s wife. Wendy spearheaded a drive to rename the dorm because “Martha should’ve
known better.” The administration apologized profusely and, per student demand, installed a
colorful neon sign renaming the dorm—Helen Reddy Hall. Wendy’s brother Dave, a sophomore,
chastised her. “Mrs. Jefferson had six kids. She was a devoted wife and mother. Where’s the
shame in that?” Wendy said, “All her ‘good’ doesn’t matter. One bad thing is all it takes—zap her!”
Wendy and Dave went home for Christmas. Several days later, Wendy took her high school
scrapbook out of her closet to show to her girlfriend. Smiling, Wendy opened the book. Then she
screamed. And screamed again. Someone had sliced out the heads of all her friends and
boyfriends. Dave shrugged. “Every week you used to complain about one of them or the other.”
[5.3, 72.6, 5.8%, 8.8, 150]

911. “The Scream,” by G.W. Munch

Donald and Bernie enjoyed a big, family dinner. As usual, they avoided talking about politics.
But afterward, they opened two cold beers and started pontificating. Bernie, a liberal, said, “That
clown should be in jail. Instead, he’s sitting at his Texas ‘ranch’ discovering his ‘hidden
Rembrandt.’ He lied to the entire country about weapons of mass destruction. His decisions since
9/11 have resulted in millions of casualties and the ruination of millions of lives and livelihoods.”
Donald, a conservative who never agreed with Bernie about anything political, agreed.
“‘Millions,’ so far! It’s not even over yet. The aftereffects and numbers could multiply for decades.
The Middle East is a mess, Europe’s becoming a mess, and we have no idea what’s coming our
way. Ultimately, the ‘shock and awe’ in 2003 could result in more death, destruction, and debt than
even Hitler caused.” Momentarily bonded, the two adversaries high-fived each other.
[8.8, 50.7, 0%, 10.7, 150]

912. LA Shuts Down, NYC Teaches On

The LA and NYC school systems received an email bomb threat from a supposed jihadist. The
LA school superintendent closed all 1,000 schools the next day. Parents complained after the email
was dismissed as a hoax. Said one, “The terrorists are winning. Closing schools just shows them
that we’re scared.” Said another, “It’s high time that someone created software for detecting prank
emails.” In NYC, Police Commissioner Bratton had declared the email a fake, partly because of a
capitalization error. Bratton said it “would be incredible to think that any jihadist would not spell
Allah with a capital A.” NYC schools remained open. Said one Gothamite, “Thank goodness for
eagle-eye Bratton. Jihadists are infamous worldwide for flouting grammar, spelling, and
punctuation rules, but capitals are sacred to them.” Said another, “And thank goodness that, in an
attempt to dupe America, no jihadist would ever be clever enough to lowercase Allah.”
[8.4, 56.5, 8%, 12.5, 150]

913. Proofer Needs a 100-Proof Shot

He needed a job. He called a temp agency to schedule a proofreading test. He’d been
proofreading on and off for forty years. The agency test, in a building near Columbus Circle, took
two hours. He walked out feeling good. He’d heard it was a tough test, but it didn’t seem hard at
all. It even crossed his mind that he might’ve aced it. A day later he got an email from the agency.
He opened it and saw his score. He almost had a heart attack. He almost had a stroke. He almost
passed out and collapsed to the floor. He almost went blind, deaf, and dumb. He had almost passed
the test. Sixty-four percent?!, he said to himself. Sixty-four percent?!, he repeated. Sixty-four
percent?! He called the agency rep, who said, “Relax. You’re far from the first to fail. Besides,
you can keep retaking it until you pass!”
[2.9, 86.9, 0%, 7.5, 150]

914. Santa Avoids Soiled Pants

He said, “Ho-ho-ho! I just became a volunteer Santa from 8 till noon through Christmas Eve.”
She said, “Congratulations, Santa! But why only four hours? You’re retired. You can work more.”
He said, “That’s what I said, but they said four hours is like eight hours.” She said, “Really?
You’re just sitting there. What’s so hard about that?” He said, “The kids, honey! They pull your
beard, cry and kick, stick their fingers in your nose, and squirm and fidget, and of course the wee
ones wee.” She said, “There goes your outfit.” He said, “Nope. I already figured it out. I’m going
to bring paper towels and a red, shallow plastic tub, and I’m going to put every tiny tot into the tub.
If any of the peepots make puddles, I’ll just sop everything up with the towels.” She said, “You’re
so smart. You make Mrs. Claus very proud!”
[2.7, 89.4, 0%, 7.8, 150]

915. Fresh Fruit, Spoiled Students

At first, the parents just wanted a free lunch program at school for their children. Then, they
wanted a free breakfast program. Then, they wanted a free early dinner program. Each time, the
mayor found government money to pay for the meals. But it wasn’t long before the students started
complaining. Said one, “We’re all sick of ‘nutritious.’ We’re not rabbits; we’re sick of lettuce.
We’re not hogs; we’re sick of apples. Vegetables belong in the ground, and fruit belongs in the
trees. What belongs on our plates is pizza, fries, and burgers.” The mayor said, “Shame on you!
You’re all getting spoiled. Government programs for schools don’t cover pizza, fries, and burgers.
You’ll have to buy your own.” Said another student, “I can’t wait till I graduate so I can apply for
food stamps. Then I’ll be able to eat all the pizza, fries, and burgers that I want.”
[3.7, 82.7, 6.25%, 9.3, 150]

916. White Is Beautiful—in 40 Years

Garth applied to the dean to establish a White Is Beautiful club. She said, “I’m sorry. That’s
racist.” Garth said, “Racist? How so? Our campus already has Black Is Beautiful, Brown Is
Beautiful, Yellow Is Beautiful, and Red Is Beautiful clubs. So they must be racist, too.” She said,
“Nope. By definition, as minorities they can’t be racist. Each is rightfully proud, without being
racist, of its culture and heritage.” He said, “Well, my club will be, too.” She said, “I realize that.
But others won’t. For example, Black Power T-shirts are quite common on campus. But if your
club were to print White Power T-shirts, people would immediately think ‘KKK.’ And of course
we’d get complaints left and right. All I can suggest is that you wait two more generations, when
whites will be a minority in America, and maybe your grandson in college can give this a shot.”
[4.4, 78.8, 0%, 8.8, 150]

917. No Greeting with “Season’s Greetings”

The Monday before Thanksgiving, Gil wrote his niece a Christmas check. He wrote on the
Christmas card, as he did every year, Please call as soon as you get this. A lot of good that does,
he thought, before sealing the envelope. Weeks went by. He received a Christmas card from her
December 24. Finally, he thought. The small, spartan card had a printed message—Enjoy the
Christmas Season! There was no Dear Gil, or Hi Gil, or Anything Gil. There was no Love, the
Smiths. There was no Thanks for the Check. Irritated at her ingratitude, he opened his online bank
account. The check hadn’t been cashed. He looked at the return address on her envelope. She had
moved. He’d sent his card to the wrong address. That explains her card, he thought. She thought
he’d stiffed her, so she cold-shouldered him. So much for Good Will to All.
[3.0, 88.3, 5.55%, 8.3, 150]

918. Silence, but No Vow Taken

She wondered how many other retirees lived like her. It seemed that she lived a life of silence.
She had no family or friends. Almost every day, she said nothing to no one. Every Saturday, she
went grocery shopping. She said Hi and Thanks to the cashier, so that was two words. Every
Sunday, she bought a lottery ticket. She said Mega Quick Pick and Thanks to the clerk, so that was
four words. The funny thing was, she didn’t feel uncomfortable about the silence. Half the time
when she actually did talk, she felt that the listener wasn’t paying attention. Half the time, she felt
that she was saying nothing of importance. When she was younger, such silence had been
unthinkable. She always had to be yakking to someone about something. She no longer felt that
need. Was she all talked out? Was this God’s way of preparing her?
[4.5, 78.8, 0%, 9.3, 150]

919. A Santa Claus Story

Five-year-old Greta said, “Daddy, tell me a story about Santa.” Dad said, “Sure. Two days
before Christmas, Santa was reading his mail at the North Pole. One letter was from Adele, who
was five years old.” Greta said, “Just like me!” Dad continued, “She lived in Queens.” Greta said,
“Just like me!” Dad continued, “She had a beagle.” Greta said, “Just like me! What was her
beagle’s name?” Dad said, “Trooper. Adele wrote that she wanted a little brother for Christmas.
She wanted a little brother so that he could take Trooper out for a walk when it was snowing or
raining. Santa thought, What a selfish little girl. So what did Santa bring Adele? Bad weather. For
a whole year, it rained or snowed every day on Adele’s block in Queens. Now, what’s the moral of
this story?” Greta said, “I know! Don’t ask Santa for a little brother!”
[3.2, 85.2, 0%, 7.5, 150]

920. For Some, Racism Is like Oxygen

In the Bronx, ten people sat around a table. Representing all five races, they were there to have
a conversation about race. The President had called for such meetings to help Americans get past
their differences and come together. At the meeting, everyone felt comfortable from the start. At its
end, attendees hugged, shared contact numbers, and set up social meetings. Walking to the elevator,
Sara said, “That meeting was unnecessary. We all get along with one another already.” Joe said,
“You’re right. The problem with these meetings is that the attendees are friendly, intelligent people
with open minds. The people who need to attend these meetings are the close-minded racists, but
they’ll never show. Their heads are made of rock, and their minds are set in stone. Not only do
they believe that certain races deserve their hatred, but even worse, many of them actually enjoy
spreading their hate.”
[7.1, 66.1, 0%, 12.5, 150]

921. Pretty Woman, Ugly Habit

He was walking west on Exchange Place. It was a gray December day. As he crossed
Broadway, an attractive woman walking south turned right and ended up leading him along
Exchange Alley. He looked at her slim waist, her black hair, and her long legs. She had nice legs.
She was definitely attractive enough to risk a snub. He mulled over his opening line. What could
he say? Maybe he could ask directions to a nearby Starbucks. Maybe, to show gratitude, he could
invite her to join him for a cup of joe and maybe a snack. Maybe this could be the start of
something big! Suddenly, he smelled something foul. How did she do that, he wondered. He hadn’t
even seen her light up. The acrid cloud of smoke overwhelmed his poor, defenseless, innocent
nostrils. He picked up his pace and passed her on the left, shaking his head.
[3.6, 85.6, 0%, 9.3, 150]

922. And the New Miss Universe Is, Uh…

The Master of Ceremonies mistakenly told the runner-up, Miss Colombia, that she was the new
Miss Universe. She hugged Miss Philippines. The previous year’s Miss Universe put the crown
and sash on Miss Colombia, who then walked to the edge of the runway. Holding her bouquet, she
smiled and waved to the cheering spectators. Moments later, the MC reappeared. “I’m so sorry. I
misspoke, and I take full responsibility for my error. The new Miss Universe is Miss Philippines!”
Miss Philippines was initially perplexed. Then her eyes got wide, and her hand covered her
mouth. The previous year’s Miss Universe gave Miss Philippines Miss Colombia’s like-new sash
and crown. Many Colombians were upset. Said one, “They blew it. First they said she was, then
they said she wasn’t. They humiliated her before the entire world. The least they could do is
announce a tie—make both of them Miss Universe.”
[5.9, 69.2, 0%, 9.3, 150]

923. Traintive Speech by Down and Out

After the Q train pulled out of the Newkirk Plaza station, passengers heard, “Hello, everyone.
My name is Justin. I’m sorry to bother you. I’ll be brief. I used to ride this train to medical school.
I was going to be a doctor for Medicaid patients. But then something happened. I was driving to
church one morning with my fiancée when a drunk T-boned our brand new car. My fiancée died. I
suffered a brain injury. I’ve been living on the street ever since. I just need a dollar for a burger.
Can anybody help me? If you can’t help, I understand. You’re tired of giving, you’re broke, or you
might even think I’m making this all up.” Just then, the emergency door opened, and a voice louder
than a bullhorn shook the car windows. “Can anyone help a pregnant woman? I’m four months’
pregnant! Help me feed my baby!”
[3.6, 83.2, 0%, 7.8, 150]

924. Mow Your Lawn in Your Shirt

Barney had just finished mowing his lawn. He was chugging some ice water when his next-
door neighbor Oliver walked over. “Now Barney, don’t take offense, but would you mind wearing
a shirt when you mow your lawn? My wife says you look like a big fat redneck out here. She hates
looking out the window and seeing you half-naked.” Oliver, oblivious to his own faults, had been
complaining about Barney’s faults for the last ten years. Barney said, “Well, first of all, I look like
a big fat redneck because I am a big fat redneck. Second, does Neighborhood Watch now have an
Apparel Patrol? How about if the next time I see you in your yard wearing that ugly yellow jersey,
I ask you to burn it? Third, who’s forcing your wife to gawk at me? Maybe for her birthday you
could buy her a nice set of curtains.”
[5.0, 83.0, 0%, 13.6, 150]

925. Waiting Up for Santa

“Daddy, can I stay up tonight so I can give Santa a hug and thank him?” Dad said, “Honey,
Santa doesn’t have the time. People never let go, and they always go on.” She said, “Not me! I’ll
even skip the hug, Daddy. I’ll just say thanks, I promise.” Dad said, “Okay, let’s practice. I’m
Santa. Ho-ho-ho! Well, hello, Chelsie!” She said, “Hi, Santa! Are you hungry? Do you want some
cookies? What did you bring me? I hope it’s the right color. I hope it’s not alive! Will you take me
with you? My parents won’t mind, as long as I return before they notice. Is Rudoph—?” Dad said,
“Whoa! I thought you were just going to say thanks.” She said, “I was! But I got so excited. It was
Santa, Dad! I was talking to Santa! Let me practice again. This time, I promise, I’ll just say
thanks.”
[1.2, 96.2, 0%, 5.5, 150]

926. He Sullied the Salad

What’s this, he thought, as he took the bowl of salad out of the fridge. Even though he had
tossed the salad, he was now looking at a bowl of segregated vegetables, each unto its own. The
radishes clung together, as did the carrots and the other vegetables. He showed the bowl to his
wife. She said, “You corrupted them. They sensed your alienation as you touched, washed, and
chopped them. So instead of having a bowl of happy vegetables partying with one another, you
created a bowl of reclusive radishes, solitary celery, and lonesome lettuce. Throw them all out.
They’ll give everyone a stomachache. I’ll make another salad—a happy one!” He said, “It’s not my
fault. I know you think otherwise, but vegetables can’t be happy and they can’t be sad. You can’t
have feelings if you have no brain! I think those GMO people are behind this.”
 [5.4, 75.2, 0%, 10.7, 150]

927. Art: What Is It, Really?

Andy saw a painting in a magazine. The left half of the painting was off-white. The right half
was white. The lengthy accompanying article extolled the “surreal esthetics and ambiguous motifs”
of the painting. Andy thought, C’mon! It’s an off-white rectangle next to a white rectangle! Andy
rented a monkey from the Central Park Zoo. He gave the monkey eight cans of paint, six
paintbrushes, and a canvas. In almost no time, the monkey made a monumental mess. Paint was
everywhere, including on Andy, the monkey, and the canvas. Andy said, “Good job!” and gave the
monkey a banana. Andy took the canvas to various galleries in the Chelsea art district. Several
gallery owners made offers, the highest being $1,000. Andy showed that owner a snapshot of the
“artist.” Laughing, the owner said, “Make that 1,000 bananas. And tell ‘Monkeyangelo’ to keep
painting—before long he’ll have his own plantation!”
[7.0, 61.3, 0%, 9.3, 150]

928. All She Wants for Xmas Is…

It was 5 p.m. Christmas Eve. The parking lot, with 100 striped spaces, was almost empty.
Harlan started to pull into the space closest to a small hardware store. Seeing a car headed toward
the same space, Harlan sped up. The car screeched to a stop just a yard from Harlan’s parked
truck. The driver got out and marched toward Harlan. Rolling down his window, Harlan asked,
“May I help you?” She said, “You already ‘helped you.’ This was my space. You saw me coming
and you sped up.” He lied, “No, I didn’t.” She yelled, “Yes, you did! I saw you!” Harlan said,
“Okay, whatever. Step back, please, so I can get out of my truck.” She said, “Yeah. Get out of your
truck.” He said, “Whoa! You’re not going to beat me up, are you?” She yelled, “You thief! You
liar! You jerk!” She returned to her car.
[1.3, 97.0, 0%, 6.5, 150]

929. Is It AM or AN (ANnoying) Radio?

On Saturdays, language lovers call in to ask the public radio network wordsmith, Oral Spiqryt,
language-related questions pertaining to various MBR programs. Gwyneth asked, “When you talk
to people, do you ever add words and phrases, spoken fluently, from another language?” He said,
“I speak only English. If I did speak another language fluently, I would insert phrases only if the
listener also spoke that language. Bilinguals do that all the time.” She said, “But if the listener is
monolingual, do you agree that such insertions would be not only unclear but also annoying?” He
said, “Of course. I wouldn’t even bother listening to someone who talked like that.” Gwyneth said,
“Well, your reporters talk like that. They roll their R’s, drop their H’s, and use Spanish words like
‘guerrilla’ all the time.” He said, “Well, we do have bilingual listeners.” She said, “Really? Well,
I’m a listener who’s byebye-lingual.”
[7.0, 64.8, 0%, 11.5, 150]

930. Hey, You Never, Uh, Win.®

Her husband said, “Finally!” She said, “Finally, what?” He said, “Finally, I matched the Mega
number. I won a buck. I swear, there’s something wrong with those bouncing balls. In the last six
games, 12 was the Mega number twice—in a row! Something’s rotten in Denmark.” She said,
“Something’s rotten in your brain. There’re 15 Mega numbers. That’s a one in fifteen chance of
getting your dollar back. At the track, you refuse to bet if there’re more than ten horses in a race.
Yet you continue to play Mega when there’re 280 million horses in one race!” He said, “Yes, 280
million to one is ridiculous.” The following week he said, “Yes!” She said, “Yes, what?” He said,
“I followed your advice, dear. I quit Mega. I switched to Lotto—only 40 million horses in one
race. Look, my very first game, and I won my dollar back!”
[4.4, 77.5, 0%, 7.8, 150]

931. But Dems Know: He THINKS It

Connie and Libby were discussing a contrary Presidential candidate. Libby demanded, “How
can you not be offended by that rude, vulgar, sexist, un-American, bigoted, racist, populist
demagogue?” Connie said, “Wow! That’s a mouthful!” Libby said, “Well, that’s what the TV
anchors call him every night.” Connie said, “Yet they berate him for name-calling. He’s about as
‘un-American’ as apple pie; he’s a capitalist! A bigot can’t abide other groups or religions. A
racist believes that his race is superior. Have you ever heard him say that he can’t stand certain
groups or religions, or that whites are Numero Uno? A populist supports the rights and power of
the people. That’s bad?! A demagogue gets power by appealing to voters’ emotions and prejudices.
What candidate hasn’t tried that? Regardless, once The Donald ‘gets’ power, he won’t be a
demagogue—he’ll be the President!” Libby said, “Yes, a rude, vulgar, sexist one.”
[7.0, 60.2, 6.25%, 9.3, 150]

932. Feline with Feelin’

Celine selected her best friend from a litter. “When I looked at her and she looked at me, I
knew right off we were soulmates,” Celine always said. For five years, she and Bondie “took care
of each other.” Then Bondie somehow got outside one day, and some “speeding idiot” ran her
over. It was the saddest day of Celine’s life. Weeks later, her boyfriend Ivan surprised her with a
kitten that looked exactly like Bondie as a kitten. That wasn’t a coincidence; Celine had hundreds
of photos of Bondie. Celine was surprised and, at first, grateful. Then, she took the kitten to an
animal shelter. Visiting Celine shortly afterward, Ivan asked, “Where’s Bondie II?” Celine said,
“Bondie II made me depressed. All she did was remind me of Bondie. I need to try to forget
Bondie.” Ivan said, “I understand.” The next day, he brought Celine a Yorkie puppy.
[5.1, 74.9, 0%, 10.0, 150]

933. Happy Birthday, Dad!

Today, January 1, is my dad’s birthday. He would have been 88, having passed away March
31, 2015. My mom went to the cemetery today. I never thought I would miss Dad as much as I miss
him now. I’m afraid that, as I got older myself, I sort of took him for granted. He had been there for
me every day of my young life. He and Mom raised eight kids, and we all loved him. He was
smart, brave, and fun. In the last 50 years, I visited Dad and Mom occasionally and phoned them
regularly. Sometimes Dad was talkative and joking, but sometimes he didn’t say much. I’ll always
wonder, How much did I disappoint him? I wish I could have been not only a better son, but also
one of his better friends. But more than all that, I just wish I could see him again.
[4.5, 82.8, 0%, 11.5, 150]

934. Bad Breath, Black Lungs, Rank Duds

Because the volume is smaller, a smaller country’s sky fills up with smelly gray smoke more
quickly and densely than the sky of a larger country. Wanting their people to breathe fresher air,
some smaller countries are experimenting with cigarette “presentation.” Kengland turned to Acme
Mind Shapers, which created a three-phase Stamp Out Smoking campaign that Kengland
implemented. First, media and print ads appeared everywhere, pronouncing, “Smoking—a stupid
habit for stupid people.” The ads showed dorks trying to look cool while lighting, holding,
smoking, or discarding cigarettes. Next, cigarette packs lost their logos, slogans, and vivid colors.
Every cigarette pack was plain brown. The brand name was in small black print above a grinning
devil. Beneath the devil were large, red letters saying, “Enjoy Your Emphysema.” Finally, phase
three made further use of the psychology of color. Standard white cigarette paper was replaced
with a new standard—bright pink.
[8.4, 58.7, 9.1%, 13.6, 150]

935. Now It’s Your Turn to Wait

Jody was waiting at the deli counter at the Columbus Circle Whole Foods. He got bumped. He
turned right and looked at an old lady; she looked straight ahead. She bumped him a few more
times in the next couple of minutes. Irritated, he stood his ground. Finally, the worker finished with
the customer on Jody’s left. Jody ordered a quarter-pound of turkey. Just then, another worker got
free and asked Jody, “Can I help you?” Jody said, “Yes, a half-pound of—” The matron, nearly
leaning on Jody, said loudly, “A pound of salmon.” Then she turned to Jody and said, “You can’t
have two workers helping you. That’s your worker. This one’s mine. Try to follow the rules.” He
said, “I do follow the rules. And rule number one is, I waited patiently; now you—” She was
looking at the worker. “Slice it paper thin!” she instructed.
[3.7, 83.0, 6.3%, 9.2, 150]

936. Row, Go, Row, Go, Row Your Boat

Bud asked, “Did you hear about this 49-year-old guy who spent 21 months rowing across the
Atlantic?” Lou said, “No. Did he break some kind of record?” Bud said, “No. Quite a few people
had already rowed across the Atlantic, and a lot faster. He did it to encourage more Americans to
get tested for HIV. His point was that if he could row across the Atlantic, they could get tested for
HIV.” Lou said, “That’s a lot of rowing for nothing. Nobody heard about it! He should’ve uploaded
videos daily to YouTube. He might have gone viral. Even better, he should have gotten Red Cow to
sponsor his voyage. Look how much publicity they got for that guy who sky-dived out of the space
station.” Bud said, “You’re right. Plus, what better place to drink can after can of your sponsor’s
caffeinated diuretic than the middle of the ocean?”
[4.8, 78.4, 6.7%, 10.0, 150]

937. Diamonds, a Guard’s Best Friend

An elegant sign on the corner of the building says “Jewelers on Fifth.” One fall day, Nathan
was hurriedly packing everything up in his fifth-floor office. The building manager had already
reminded him that the new tenant was waiting. Nathan’s son and a building maintenance worker
were helping Nathan move to the seventh floor. To Nathan’s relief, at 5 p.m. everything had been
moved into his new office. Everything except one thing—$1 million worth of loose diamonds.
After frantically searching everywhere the following morning, Nathan called NYPD. Officers
viewed a surveillance tape and arrested the security guard. The worker had innocently put a
couple of small boxes into the hallway trash pile, which the guard later dug through. The guard,
who’d already sold two diamonds for $30,000, said, “When they hired me, they didn’t tell me
there was surveillance in the hallways. They set me up. I’m no thief.”
[8.1, 58.7, 8.3%, 12.5, 150]

938. Freemen Freezing in the Brroughs

NYC’s mild weather continued through December. But on January 2, weathermen predicted
teen temps, worsened by wind, for the following two days. Immediately, Hizzoner announced that
workers would scour every borough to notify homeless people about city shelters. The following
day, reporters accompanied the workers. Many homeless people agreed to go to shelters, but many
didn’t. A reporter told one, “It’s freezing out here! Why don’t you go to a nice, warm shelter?” The
man said, “‘Cause some of ’em got bedbugs. And all of ’em got rules. They wand you, they frisk
you, they put all your valuables in a plastic bag that you never see again. They even got a curfew! I
ain’t goin’ through all that for just two nights. I’ll take stars over bars. I’ll be okay. I’m layered up
real good with extra NY Times. I’ll sleep tight, and no bedbugs gonna bite me, neither.”
[5.1, 74.9, 6.3, 9.3, 150]

939. Curtis— Potential POTUS?

A tall man wearing a red beret was approaching Marco on 33rd Street near the Empire State
Building. It was Curtis Sliwa—the perpetual motion machine and founder of the crime-fighting
Guardian Angels—who could entertain listeners with thousands of funny, jive-talking stories about
his own fascinating life and the good, bad, and wacky people he’d encountered in the Big Apple.
When the two walkers met up, Marco said, “Curtis, I wish you’d run for President. You’d have my
vote.” Curtis grinned, thanked him, and continued on. When Marco got home, he said, “I just ran
into Curtis Sliwa. That guy’s a real American. A fast-talking, fist-fighting, flag-flying American. I
told him that if he ran for President, I’d vote for him.” His wife said, “He was just in the news for
saying how beautiful our Council speaker is.” Marco said, “Her? Beautiful?! Oofah! Maybe I
wouldn’t vote for him.”
[6.2, 69.6, 0%, 10.7, 150]

940. Innocent Lad or Spoiled Brat?

Ryan was going on 17 when the accident occurred. Ryan was going too fast when the accident
occurred. Ryan was going around a curve when the accident occurred. Ryan was going for another
swig when the accident occurred. His two passengers died instantly. Unmarked, Ryan lived to
drive, and perhaps kill, again. Prosecutors tried him for manslaughter, but his wealthy parents
hired a lawyer who presented an “affluenza” defense. She told the jury that Ryan’s parents had
doted on him from birth. Spoiled and “special,” he grew up thinking that rules, regulations, and
laws—including laws about driving under the influence—applied only to others. Amazingly, the
jury bought into her argument. Ryan received community service. After the trial ended, a juror told
a reporter, “We felt his pain. Not having his two best friends to pal around with anymore is enough
of a price to pay for bad parenting.”
[6.8, 66.5, 0%, 11.5, 150]
 941. THUGS PUNK DRUNK FROM DARK PARK

IN EAST FLATBUSH ABOUT 9 p.m., 15-year-old Brook was walking with his dad through a
poorly lit park. Five young males approached. Waggling a knife under Foster’s nose, one male told
Foster, who was drunk, to move along without his son. Foster hesitatingly shuffled off. Walking
into a nearby bodega, he slurred his words while asking for help. Smelling his breath, the bodega
owner said, “Get out of here!” Meandering another few blocks, Foster saw a parked NYPD car.
The officers drove him back to the park. They found Brook beaten up and relieved of his cell
phone and pricey Nikes. After DNAinfo.com reported the attack, social media users lambasted the
city for the park’s poor lighting, the bodega owner for ignoring Foster’s plea, NYPD for not
parking nearer the park, Brook for wearing new sneakers in a bad neighborhood, and Foster for
being a sot and deserting his son.
[7.4, 68.2, 0%, 15.1, 150]

942. Everyone Is Beautiful—to Someone

Mork met AlienMork. Whipping out their smartphones, each showed the other his wife’s
picture. AlienMork said, “Your wife is so beautiful!” But Mork said nothing about AlienMork’s
wife. AlienMork said, “My wife isn’t beautiful, also?” Mork said, “My mama always said, If you
can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.” AlienMork said, “Yes, what we learn as
children sticks with us. On my planet, children learn that everyone is beautiful. We don’t even have
a word for ugly.” Mork said, “That’s ridiculous. Beauty is meaningless without ugliness. You need
yin to appreciate yang. If everyone were beautiful, none of the ugly people would have any
aspirations. The personal care industry would tank. Believing that everyone is beautiful is like
believing that everyone is smart.” AlienMork said, “But everyone on my planet is smart. Only
stupid people don’t see everyone as beautiful, and we don’t have any stupid people.”
[6.4, 64.2, 0%, 8.8, 150]

943. Don’t Be Meen at Halloween

Selma, a sophomore dental student at NYU, asked her roommate, “What am I going to wear for
Halloween?” Britney said, “Well, whatever it is, make sure it’s 110% inoffensive. Remember the
dean’s email.” Selma said, “Oh, yes. We mustn’t commit ‘cultural appropriation.’ We can dress up
only as members of the ethnic, racial, and gender groups that we belong to. So, my groups are
Asian, Christian, female, and student. That’s so silly. Did our parents have to jump through these
group-hoops? Besides, how will anyone even know what groups I belong, or don’t belong, to?”
Britney said, “Nobody knows, but everybody’s watching. And rest assured, even dressed as
Charlie Chaplin, you’ll probably hurt somebody’s feelings.” Selma said, “Isn’t a Halloween
costume simply freedom of speech? What happened to that freedom? I should be able to wear
whatever I please.” Britney said, “Of course you should. Just wait till you graduate.”
[5.6, 70.4, 0%, 8.8, 150]

944. To Hospital Bacteria: All Aboard!

Jethro left the hospital in discomfort, but he was relieved to have had his hernia repaired. A
week later, he was dead from an infection that he’d gotten while in the hospital. Thousands of
Americans die each year from hospital-acquired infections, while hundreds of thousands more get
sick but survive. Betsy MacCoy, who’s been railing against America’s unhealthy hospitals for
years, said, “Hospitals cost us money, but they’re also as filthy as money. Doctors transport
virulent bacteria on their ties and their stethoscopes from one patient’s room to another. Hospital
staff, particularly doctors and nurses, fail to scrub their hands before entering each patient’s room.
But worst of all, custodians fail to disinfect doorknobs, bedrails, and TV remotes daily. I always
tell people, if you have a loved one in the hospital, don’t show how much you care by bringing
them chocolates or flowers. Show your love with bleach wipes!”
[9.5, 56.2, 0%, 16.6, 150]

945. Attack of the Blizzards!

Leesa said, “Daddy, I’m scared!” Dad said, “Scared? What are you scared of?” She said,
“They said on the radio that there’s a lizard warning. They told everyone to stay indoors tomorrow.
Are there a lot of lizards? Are they big? Will they eat us? Will they eat Spot or Fluffy?” Dad
laughed. Then he said, “I’m sorry, honey. I shouldn’t laugh. It’s not a ‘lizard’ warning—it’s a
‘blizzard’ warning. A blizzard is a super snowstorm, so we don’t have to worry about lizards
eating us or the pets. What we do have to worry about is whether the blizzard’s strong winds will
knock out our electricity. Then our apartment will get dark and cold until workers fix everything.”
Leesa said, “Then can we go outside? I want to make a snowman.” Dad said, “Sure. But even
better than making a snowman, how about we make a snow lizard?”
[3.1, 85.8, 0%, 7.5, 150]

946. Hero Heists Hero, Filches Filberts

Single and 35, the handsome firefighter earned $75,000 annually. One day, he walked into a
convenience store. He walked out with a sandwich and a bag of nuts, neither of which he’d paid
for. The clerk called the police, who caught the firefighter as he finished the sandwich and
disposed of its plastic wrapper in a city trashcan. After being convicted of stealing $8 worth of
merchandise, he lost his job. His only excuse for the theft was that he hadn’t had any cash on him at
the time. His girlfriend asked, “What kind of excuse is that? What were you thinking? You forfeit
$75,000 a year for a stupid $8 sandwich?” He said, “I don’t know. It just seemed like the right
thing to do at the time. I know it seems stupid in hindsight.” His girlfriend said, “Hindsight?! It’s
stupid in pre-sight, then-sight, now-sight, and every other sight!”
[5.1, 77.5, 7.1%, 10.7, 150]

947. He Tests People, Too

He was pressing down hard on the handle of the knife in order to split the tiny candy bar in
two. You’re pushing your luck, he told himself. Nah, it’s a Ginsu 2000, he told himself. Although
30 years old, it was guaranteed for 50 years. It had stayed sharp and strong over the years, cutting
everything as straight, quick, and onionskin thin as he wanted. He couldn’t imagine a better steak
knife. But it lost the battle with the unyielding caramel-colored chunk of “Korivka.” Feeling
something give, he saw the serrated silver blade form a mortal angle with the cheap black plastic
handle. Why, he wondered, did he always have to test everything, knowing it might break? And
then, breaking it, immediately regret testing it. And then immediately test the next thing that he
didn’t really want to break—or maybe really did. What’s wrong with me, he wondered.
[6.5, 70.0, 0%, 12.5, 150]

948. A Coffin Waits in Brooklyn

He said, “Good news! I’ve narrowed our cemeteries down to two.” His wife said, “Can we
talk about this some other time?” He said, “Honey, I’m healthy today, but maybe I’m dead
tomorrow. Don’t you think we should talk about this before I’m not around to talk about this?” She
said, “Don’t talk like that, either. I can’t bear to think of life without you.” He said, “I’m sorry. But
the sooner we prepare, the better. I researched cemeteries online. I think our two best choices are
Green-Wood in Brooklyn and Woodlawn in the Bronx.” She said, “The Bronx? We’ve lived our
whole lives in Brooklyn, so why even consider the Bronx?” He said, “Well, Woodlawn is
cheaper.” She said, “Of course—cheaper. Do we have to take cheaper to the grave with us, honey?
We’ve been doing cheaper our whole lives. At least in death, let’s live a little.”
[2.6, 91.2, 0%, 8.3, 150]

949. College Bum Gets a Job

Megyn’s only child graduated from college and moved into her tiny Manhattan apartment with
her. Donald told her he was going to become a real estate salesperson, just like her. She was
thrilled. But within four months, Donald found his true calling—playing computer games day and
night, the same thing he’d done in high school. He didn’t do any drugs whatsoever, but as far as
Megyn was concerned, her son was a hopeless addict. One day, three years later, she called her
ex-husband. “What a relief! Finally, Donny’s out of the apartment.” Her ex-husband said, “He’s
out? Did he move out? Or did he finally get a job?” She said, “He got a temporary job.” He said,
“Amazing. Did he find it online?” She laughed. “No, it found him. They called him in for jury
duty.” He laughed. “Well, if you’re lucky, he’ll get stuck on a six-month trial.”
[3.6, 82.6, 0%, 7.8, 150]

950. Constantly Correcting Corey

Dale and his brother were talking on the phone. Dale said, “My shoulder problem’s gotten
worse. Now it aches even when I’m sitting down, instead of just when I walk or stand.” Corey
asked, “You mean your shoulder blade problem?” Dale said, “Shoulder blade, shoulder—what
difference does it make?! It’s the same problem I’ve been talking about for months. Why do you
have to correct everything? Whatever anyone says, you’ve got to correct them. You’ve got to tweak
it an annoying—but never enlightening—bit. If someone says the sky is blue, you’ll say, Well,
actually, it’s light blue. Or you’ll say, Well, actually, it’s blue and white, because the clouds are
white, and they’re part of the sky. Duh! You know, you’re no longer Captain Obvious. I’m giving
you a shoulder blade promotion. You’re Corey, the Obnoxious Colonel of Obviosity.” Corey said,
“Obviosity?! That’s not even a word!”
[4.9, 75.4, 0%, 8.8, 150]

951. Maybe She Could Regift Car

Lester said, “Now keep this under your hat; it’s a surprise for Mom. I found a Lexus on
Autotrader. It’s a four-door sedan, one owner, seven years old, 88,000 miles, and it’s her favorite
color—navy blue. I’m going to visit the owner next week, and if it’s everything he says it is, it’s a
done deal. Mom’s going to be plenty surprised.” Lester’s brother said, “Yes, but not in a good way.
Have you not been paying attention? All Mom thinks about is that Cadillac that Dad surprised her
with years ago. Go find her a mint condition 1990 Brougham. That’ll be a good surprise. Every
time she gets in it, she’ll think of Dad and the day that he drove up in her anniversary present. If
you get her that Lexus, every time she looks out the window and sees it in the driveway, she’ll
close the blinds.”
[5.1, 78.3, 0%, 12.5, 150]

952. Pb + H2O = Brain Drain

According to the 2010 Census, the population of Flint, Michigan was about 100,000. It was
56-percent African-American and 37-percent white. In June 2013, a magazine named Flint “the
most dangerous city in America.” In April 2014, city officials started using water from the Flint
River in order to save money. Although the water coming out of hundreds of faucets looked, tasted,
and smelled foul, officials pooh-poohed residents’ complaints. However, 16 months later, tests
found that the water contained an unsafe level of lead. Life-long residents Samuel and Spike were
at a local watering hole. Samuel said, “Well, now we’re a double threat—we’re America’s most
dangerous city, and we have America’s most dangerous water.” Spike said, “On the bright side,
we’re swimming in free Poland Spring. And, maybe only half our youngsters got permanent brain
damage.” Samuel said, “Hmph! I guarantee you this never would’ve happened to a white town.”
[9.6, 48.1, 0%, 12.6, 150]

953. But You Can’t Hang Soup on a Wall

Herb’s wife said, “Oh, look at this painting. It’s a box of Campbell’s Chicken Rice soup.
Someone paid two million dollars for it.” Herb looked at the color photo in the magazine. He
grunted. “You know, a long time ago, people went crazy over tulips. What they could have bought a
nice house with, they spent on a single tulip. They called it tulipmania. Then one day, a buyer
realized, It’s just a tulip! Sky-high prices returned to earth, where tulip prices—like tulips—
belong. Today’s art is like yesterday’s tulips. Whoever bought that painting is suffering from
chicken-rice-soup mania. He’s under a spell. But sooner or later, he’s going to wake up. He’s
going to say to himself, How could a painting of something be more valuable than the thing itself?
Why would I pay two million dollars to look at something that I could eat for a dollar?”
[4.7, 77.7, 0%, 9.3, 150]

954. No Praise for Council’s Self-Raise

The City Council is proud of its never-ending demands to empower the poor. It demanded
NYC ID cards to provide impoverished immigrants free membership in museums and discounted
tickets to Broadway shows. It demanded better working conditions for street vendors. It demanded
less mold, better stairwell lighting, more security guards, and fewer rats in city housing. It
demanded less police harassment of the 54,000 homeless who occasionally spit, pee, poo, and
sleep on city sidewalks. The council speaker said, “They’re homeless. Where else are they going
to do all that?” It demanded that the Wall Street one-percenters quit accepting their annual fat
bonuses. On Friday, the council unapologetically gave itself a 32-percent raise. The 50 members
now make $148,500 annually, and the speaker makes $164,500. The minimum wage in NYC is $9.
Full-time minimum wage workers make $18,720 a year. Said one burger flipper, “Compared to
me, they’re the one-percenters!”
[10.5, 39.8, 0%, 11.6, 150]

955. Planet’s Sole Paperless Place

Teddy told his brother, “If there’s one good thing about dying, it’s that I won’t have to deal
with paper anymore. There’s nothing on this planet that I hate more than paper. Not urine-soaked
sidewalks, not barking dogs, not even a long hair in my salad! Paper is a four-letter word—
contracts, bills, tickets, receipts, forms. Employment forms, rental forms, medical forms, bank
forms. I bet there’s more forms on earth than there are people! Name, address, phone, email, on
and on, over and over. But when I die, all these forms, all this paper—they’ll all be dead to me!”
Franklin said, “You’re forgetting one thing. What about your obituary and your death certificate?”
Teddy said, “What about them? They’ll be the first two pieces of paper in my life that I can totally
ignore. That thought alone’s enough to warm my chilly bones when I’m six feet under.”
[5.3, 77.2, 0%, 11.5, 150]

956. Meteorite Transforms Town, Man

In Larry, Indiana, a meteorite struck a man standing near a church. It knocked him unconscious
and left a crater in the ground. The town fathers immediately announced a contest to rename their
town Meteoritetown, Meteoropolis, Meteorurbia, or some other memorable name. “Anything
would be better than ‘Larry.’ I think we got hit just because of that stupid name,” said one resident,
also named Larry. A local businessman created a website selling “a piece of the rock” and
commemorative T-shirts. He said most of the proceeds would go toward building the nation’s first
meteorite museum. Released from the hospital, the victim said, “Everything happens for a reason.
I’m alive, not dead. I’m bursting with an energy that I’ve never felt before. I know it’s a healing
energy from the heavens above.” Already, he said, strangers had been asking for his autograph and
his healing touch. He’s planning a national tour.
[8.3, 55.8, 0%, 11.5, 150]

957. A Shot, a Stairwell, a Silence

Lee called Laura. “They just convicted our guy of manslaughter. The judge’ll sentence him next
month. They say he could get five to fifteen years. I promise you they’ll throw the book at him, just
like I promised you they’d convict him.” She said, “Yes, you were right about that, but he did mess
up. First, rookie cops aren’t even allowed to do verticals. Second, after accidentally shooting that
man in the stairwell, he didn’t call his supervisor or an ambulance immediately. Third, he killed an
innocent person! So, maybe he should get five years.” Lee said, “How can you say that? It was an
accident! Besides, you have to support your people 100 percent, no matter how much they mess up.
That’s why the establishment continues to ignore and disrespect us—we’re the silent minority, the
minority that never speaks up. To them, we’re docile sheep. It’s still 1942!”
[5.2, 73.8, 7.6%, 9.3, 150]

958. Lights Off? Gas Off? TV Off?

Jonah turned off his electronic timer and resumed his phone conversation. “That timer’s a
lifesaver. I’d already forgotten I was boiling water for coffee. Without my timer, the water
might’ve boiled completely out of the pot. My memory’s like yours. I don’t know how many times
I’ve gone out and then wondered, Did I turn off the gas?” His mom said, “I have such a simple
solution for you. Just grab a yellow Post-it, write ‘Did you turn off the gas?’, and stick it on your
door. You’ll see it every time you go outside.” Jonah said, “I’ve tried that. But because the Post-
it’s always there, you get used to seeing it, and eventually you ignore it. It blends in with the door.
No, I need a 24-hour surveillance camera, aimed at the stove, that I can operate with my
smartphone.” His mom said, “Or just change colors every day!”
[4.8, 79.3, 0%, 10.7, 150]

959. A. We’re All Africans B. Speak for Yourself

Cecil said, “Listen to this. Maybe Meryl Streep should stick to admiring her Oscars instead of
acting like she’s some kind of anthropologist. She said that we’re all Africans, because all humans
came from Africa originally. Come on! If that’s true, then everyone in America is African-
American—so why are we having all these race problems? Her remarks made headlines all over
the world, and social media went wild, of course.” Oral said, “Of course?” Cecil said, “Of
course. How could black people beget any people other than blacks? If you mix two cans of black
paint together, what are you going to get—white paint? You’re not going to get brown, red, or
yellow, either. There’s absolutely no way that non-blacks would ever believe that their family tree
began in Africa.” Oral said, “You’re right. For many people, the easiest way to handle the truth is
to deny it.”
[6.1, 70.1, 0%, 10.7, 150]

960. Lease Roulette—Black, or Red?

Craig opened the envelope from his landlord. Whatever it is, it’s probably no good, he thought.
He was surprised. It was good. Then again, it was bad. He wasn’t sure. It was a lease renewal
form. It said that he could renew his lease for one year at $1,100 monthly, his current rent. Or, he
could renew for two years at $1,122, a two-percent increase. Of course I’ll take the zero-percent
increase, he thought. But maybe there was a catch. He called the NYC Rental Guidelines Board. A
rep explained, “The board allows landlords to charge different increases every year. Last year it
was three percent for one year, and five percent for two years. It can vary considerably.” Craig
said, “I got it. The form’s an opportunity to gamble. It’s like that Clint Eastwood movie—Do you
feel lucky, punk?” She agreed. Craig decided to lock in two percent.
[4.0, 79.6, 0%, 7.5, 150]

961. The Proof Is in the Grunting

Gracie was midway through her long story. “Then I told mom that the B train doesn’t run on—
are you listening?” Her husband George said, “Yes, dear.” She continued, “On weekends. I told
her that she’d have to take the Q—are you paying attention?” He said, “Yes, dear.” She continued,
“The Q to Kings Highway, and that—am I boring you?” He said, “No, but your questions about
whether I’m listening to you are annoying me a little.” She said, “Oh, really? Sorry. I just feel like
I’m talking to a wall when someone doesn’t seem to be paying attention.” He said, “But I have
been paying attention. Haven’t you heard all my grunts?” She said, “Grunts don’t cut it. If I want
grunts, I can go to a pig farm! Besides, grunts don’t mean you’re listening to my words. They only
mean that you’re listening for my pauses.”
[3.0, 89.0, 0%, 8.8, 150]

962. Cyclocross? More like Double-Cross

Officials disqualified Tonya, the winner of a cyclocross race, after discovering a motor hidden
inside the hub of her bike’s rear wheel. Using the motor helped her win by eleven seconds over
Nancy, a close second. Nancy, a veteran cyclocross competitor and frequent winner, immediately
called “Foul!” after learning that it was Tonya’s first race ever. After disqualifying her, officials
banned Tonya from the sport for life. She felt that the ban was unfair. “I work two jobs. I don’t
have time to train like Nancy, who’s probably never worked a day in her life. Besides, I told them
that I only used the motor on the uphill parts of the course. How about some credit for that? If I had
wanted to, I could’ve run circles around the lot of them. I could’ve rubbed their faces in it. But I
didn’t. I kept it competitive; I showed them respect.”
[5.8, 72.4, 0%, 11.5, 150]

963. Butterfly Net for Cat-Woman

Living at home with her mom, Felina sensed that she might be more cat than human when she
turned 20. As she was blowing out the candles on her birthday cake, she realized that she didn’t
feel like cake—she felt like mouse. Next day, while her mom was preparing dinner, Felina walked
around on all fours and rubbed against her mom’s legs. When Felina meowed, her mom petted her.
Felina spent the afternoon curled up on the back of the sunlit sofa, next to the windowsill. Next
morning, she poured herself a bowl of milk for breakfast, set it on the floor, and lapped it up while
on her hands and knees. That afternoon she told her mom, “I’m through with bathing. I hate water.
From now on, I’ll lick myself clean.” Next day, Felina poured fresh kitty litter into the bathtub.
That’s when her mom called a psychiatrist.
[5.2, 81.8, 0%, 13.6, 150]

964. Foto Algo Turns Teens Off

Marlon said to his wife, “What do you think of this? I wrote an algorithm that shows teens
what they’re going to look like when they’re 70. The algorithm is based on thousands of real-life
photographs of young people as they age. The teen takes a selfie, and my algorithm produces a 70-
year-old selfie right next to it! It’s a one-dollar app. We’ll be rich!” She said, “Honey, first of all,
teens don’t think that they’re ever going to get old. Second, teens don’t like to look at old people,
whether it’s strangers or themselves. Here’s a better idea. Reverse your algorithm. Sell it to old
folks. There’s millions of old folks who don’t have pictures of themselves as teens. I can see them
all sitting around in the nursing home telling each other how handsome and beautiful they used to
be. Your algorithm might even spark a few weddings.”
[4.7, 80.4, 7.1%, 10.7, 150]

965. Boy to Meet His Bro—a Truck

Chuck said, “Tell me a story, Daddy.” Dad said, “Sure. How about a truck story?” Chuck
asked, “What’s the truck’s name?” Dad said, “The name on his birth certificate is Lucky Chucky
Trucky.” Chuck said, “Wow! Chucky, just like me.” Dad said, “And guess what? Lucky Chucky
Trucky was born in the same hospital as you, and on the same day.” Chuck said, “He’s my
brother!” Dad said, “And guess what? You’re going to meet him! Every year on his birthday, Lucky
Chucky Trucky returns to the hospital to take sick kids on a ride around town. And because you’re
his birthday brother, you’re going to sit behind the steering wheel!” Chuck said, “Oh boy! This’ll
be my best birthday ever!” Chuck ran to tell his mom the news. Later, Mom said, “That’s some
hole you just dug yourself.” Dad said, “Yeah. I got carried away by my own story!”
[2.4, 90.9, 0%, 7.5, 150]

966. iHate My iPhone

His primitive iPhone 4 rang. He swiped his index finger—Slide to Answer—to the right to
answer the phone. Nothing happened. Here we go again, he thought. He swiped again. He swiped
again. He kept swiping while starting to swear under his breath. The phone opened on the fourth
ring. He tapped on the Speaker icon. He tapped harder. He tapped much harder—tap-tap-tap! He
thought, once again, how much he’d like to take out the hammer from beneath his kitchen sink and
pound his contrary iPhone into countless pieces of forever silent plastic particles. The Speaker
icon finally lit up. He said, “Hello.” Nobody was on the other end. He tapped the Call Back icon.
The phone rang and rang. He depressed the button on the bottom of the phone to close everything
down. The screen showed: Voicemail—Slide to Listen. He swiped right. There was no message.
[3.4, 83.4, 0%, 7.1, 150]

967. Step Aside on Sidewalk

He told his wife after a hard day, “I’m so tired of being told what to do, of having to yes-sir
and yes-ma’am my way through life, of never directing others. Even when I’m walking home from
work, I’m under the control of others. Every block there’s some scary-looking guy who’s heading
straight toward me on the sidewalk. He has plenty of room to walk around me, but does he? No-o-
o. Never. So we play “chicken” on the sidewalk. And always, I’m the one who steps aside. I’m the
yellow belly. It makes me hate myself. I always tell myself I’m not going to step aside ever again,
yet I always do.” His wife said, “I happened to be walking behind you one day, and watched you
march straight ahead on the sidewalk—kids and old people had to step out of your way.” He said,
“O-kay. What’s your point?”
[4.4, 82.5, 0%, 10.7, 150]

968. Who Is without Sin?

Bernie asked, “Would you keep a million dollars if you found it in a briefcase in Prospect
Park?” Hillary said, “Of course. There’s a million ways I could enjoy a million dollars.” He said,
“You wouldn’t feel guilty about taking someone else’s money?” She said, “Of course not. It’s
probably insured. If it isn’t insured, it’s probably drug money, so I’m just helping fight the war on
drugs.” Bernie said, “I could never do that. It’s wrong. I have morals. My conscience would
torture me daily about how I’d taken the low road and joined the riff-raff. That’s not going to
happen to me. I’m above all that.” Hillary laughed. “No, you just think you’re above all that.
Maybe it isn’t a million dollars, but you have a weak spot. And I guarantee you, someone will find
it, and you’ll end up down here with the rest of us riff-raff.”
[3.8, 83.3, 0%, 8.8, 150]

969. They’re Our Future—If They Survive

The school bus went through a red light. Driving the car behind the disappearing school bus,
Ronnie said, “Did you see that? They say our kids are our future. Do you think that bus driver has
any kids? If he does, do you think he’d like to see another bus driver going through a red light with
his kids on the bus? Maybe he figures that the kids on his bus are just ‘other people’s kids.’ Maybe
they don’t count.” Nancy said, “I’ve always wondered, if our kids are so important to us, why
don’t all school buses have seatbelts? Shouldn’t our kids be buckled up? And why do we hire
minimum-wage bus drivers? Shouldn’t the drivers be professionals, like Nascar or like airline
pilots? If our kids are so important, why aren’t they getting the best treatment possible?” Ronnie
said, “Beats me. Maybe they’re not that important after all.”
[4.0, 84.8, 7.1%, 10.7, 150]

970. Cell Life Looks Good

Ted said, “It says here that prisoners cost taxpayers $30,000 a year. And that almost a third of
inmates who are released, commit a crime or violate parole and return to jail within a year of
being released. So, while it’s good that police protect us by arresting them and the courts put them
back in jail, it’s bad that we end up paying $30,000 again to keep them in jail. $30,000. How can a
bunk behind bars cost $30,000 a year?” Marco said, “Because it’s a lot more than a bunk and bars.
It’s heat, air-conditioning, three healthy meals, cable TV, exercise area, newspaper and magazine
subscriptions, Wi-Fi and Internet connections, library, doctors, dentists, legal aid, high school and
college classes, and a bunch of other stuff that we never even hear about.” Ted said, “Gee. They’ve
got it better than I do.” Marco said, “Go rob a bank.”
[8.1, 63.5, 0%, 15.0, 150]

971. Believe in Yourself

Dick was a slender 140-pounder. Tommy, his office coworker, was a beefy 180-pounder. They
were both 26. Tommy got a kick out of adding hot sauce to Dick’s unattended cup of coffee. The
third time Tommy did it, Dick confronted him. Dick said, “I don’t appreciate your little joke.
People like you think people like me are pushovers. I grew up in Thailand. I was a martial arts
fighter throughout my teens. I could break your nose right now”—Dick put his index finger right up
to Tommy’s nose—“with my foot, even after warning you that I’m going to break your nose with
this foot.” He pointed at his right foot. Tommy looked at it too. Later, Joan asked, “Were you really
a Thai fighter?” Smiling, Dick said, “Our little secret? Not at all. It’s all in the delivery. Tommy
believed me because of one thing—my confidence level.”
[4.1, 81.4, 0%, 8.9, 150]

972. Herr Hair—Orange, That Is

Orange-haired, lightning-rod presidential candidate Donald Trump asked everyone in the large
crowd to raise their hand, like him, and to promise to vote for him. The liberal media, which
dominate America, quickly filled newsstands, airwaves, and the Internet with denunciations that
likened all the raised hands to Nazi soldiers saluting Adolph Hitler. Trump’s PR spokesman—that
is, The Donald himself—quickly responded, “Wait a minute. What about all those school kids
raising their hands in classrooms all across America? They surely resemble little Nazi wannabes.
And what about all those people hailing cabs in Manhattan? They make New York look like Nazi
York. And what about the Statue of Liberty? That’s a 300-foot-high Sieg Heil in your face! And
what about all those Americans with raised hands waving hello and goodbye to one another every
day? What are the media so upset about—our entire country is full of ‘Nazis’!”
[8.6, 57.3, 0%, 13.7, 150]

973. Vote One, Vote All

After California’s liberal Governor Moonbeam signed a bill allowing that state’s noncitizens
to vote in any and all elections, further alienating the state’s ignored and angry citizens, the New
York legislature, whose motto could be Everyone Is Entitled to Everything, passed a similar bill,
which was quickly signed by NY’s ultra-liberal governor. But the NY bill had a little extra
something. It not only allowed noncitizens to vote, but it allowed noncitizens’ families to vote—
even if they lived in another country. When asked why the NY bill allowed people living in
entirely different countries to vote in local and national elections in the United States, Governor
Giveaway said, “Well, first of all, it increases voter turnout. We have too many elections with too
little participation. Second, it helps spread the idea of and participation in democracy worldwide.
And third, all those people are going to end up here anyway!”
[13.2, 37.8, 14.3%, 21.4, 150]

974. Silent So Long at Office

Rocky was a new worker in the office. Many workers had staggered schedules. So, during
Rocky’s shift, various individuals finished their shifts. As they left the office, they said “Goodbye”
or “Goodbye, everyone” and many of their coworkers responded. Silent, Rocky kept his face
buried in his proofreading. When he finished his shift, he usually said only a quiet goodbye to his
supervisor. His coworkers noticed this. They started murmuring. Their murmurs got back to his
supervisor. She took Rocky aside one day. “Your coworkers think maybe you think you’re too good
for them. Maybe they’re not worth saying goodbye to.” He said, “Not at all. It’s just that I’m new,
and a little insecure. When I was eight, I had a birthday party, and only one kid showed up—my
little brother! Ever since then, I’ve feared rejection. I don’t say goodbye to everyone because,
What if nobody responds?!”
[5.4, 71.5, 0%, 8.8, 150]

975. Visiting Hours Are Over

This is the twelfth month I’ve been without him. There hasn’t been a day that I haven’t thought
of him. There hasn’t been a week that my eyes haven’t moistened for him. He didn’t have to die,
you know—the hospital just let him die. He’s an old man and he’s lived a long time, they thought.
So they ignored him that entire day until he went south in a flash. How much the chest
compressions must have hurt! But the pain of the compressions was a slap on the wrist compared
to the pain he must have felt, as the beloved father of eight, dying alone. He died before Mom’s
daily afternoon visit. She had been anticipating his coming home. Instead she had to deal with his
going home. If only we could see him again, just one more time, to make up for where we weren’t
that day.
[3.6, 91.4, 0%, 12.5, 150]

976. Play Nice with Payroll

He emailed the payroll manager. “I mistakenly shorted myself on my hours. The law firm
credited me for 6 hours Tuesday, but I submitted only 5-1/2.” She emailed him back. “I checked
your timesheet from Payup & Payup. It shows 5-1/2 hours.” He emailed her back. “Yes, it shows
5-1/2 in the ‘Productive’ column. But that column doesn’t include downtime. The ‘Scheduled’
column includes downtime. It shows 6 hours. That’s what I should get paid for, not 5-1/2.” She
emailed him back. “You entered 5-1/2, so that’s what you’re going to get.” He called his
supervisor and explained his problem. She said, “Of course you’re entitled to the extra half-hour.
I’ll tell Prudence to give it to you.” He thanked his supervisor. Ten minutes later, he called her
back, saying, “Forget it. Don’t tell Prudence anything. The last person I want holding a grudge
against me is the payroll manager.”
[4.8, 73.5, 0%, 7.3, 150]

977. WWII Solved Racism Problem

Spencer said, “When are you people going to stop calling my people racists?” Simon said,
“We’ll stop when you people stop being racists! Which is probably never. Admit it—if you had
your way, America would be white as a sheet.” Spencer said, “C’mon! You’re confusing
America’s whites with Germany’s Nazis. Speaking of which, if America’s—mostly white—armed
forces, factory workers, and other civilians hadn’t defeated Hitler, America would be white as a
sheet—blue-eyed Aryans from sea to shining sea. And you people would be speaking German. No,
scratch that. You wouldn’t be speaking anything, because you wouldn’t be. Hitler would’ve
disappeared you, along with all the others. So, you people owe us a big one! We might have
enslaved you in the beginning, but we saved you in the end.” Simon said, “‘Might have’?! Hunh!
Oh, and thank you so much for fighting Hitler to save us!”
[5.0, 75.4, 0%, 9.3, 150]

978. African Cabbie Loves America

Lola said, “In a cab yesterday, the driver and I started talking. He came to America from
Ethiopia 26 years ago. He met his wife in an ESL class in the Bronx. He’s been happily married
for 24 years. His daughter works on Wall Street. He says many of his fares are Americans who
complain about how messed up America is. He tells them, ‘This is the greatest country in the
world. Look at all the wonderful things you have—running water, electricity, indoor toilets, not to
mention all your schools and all the opportunity.’” Valerie said, “What’s your point?” Lola said,
“Americans complain too much. We don’t know how good we’ve got it.” Valerie said, “You found
one cab driver who’s got a wonderful life. I know ten who’ve got miserable lives. Want to meet
one of them?” Lola said, “Spare me. I’ve got enough problems of my own.”
[4.9, 76.6, 0%, 9.3, 150]

979. Vote with Your Organ

Howard, a radio talk show host, was opining about the presidential candidates. He dismissed
Harry. Howard’s cohost Gary asked, “What’s wrong with Harry?” Howard said, “He’s too short.
A president represents America. We don’t want some midget representing us. All the other leaders
would look down on him. We’d get no respect.” Then Howard dismissed Paul. “What’s wrong
with him?” Gary asked. Howard said, “Paul doesn’t look presidential.” Gary asked, “What does
‘presidential’ look like?” Howard said, “You know, tall, handsome, distinguished, a full head of
hair, white. Sort of like the World’s Most Interesting Man.” Gary asked, “White hair or white
man?” Howard said, “Both’d be okay.” Howard took a phone call from high school senior Martha,
who said, “If I could vote, I’d vote for Marco—he’s so cute!” Howard said, “That’s exactly why
we don’t let teens vote, honey—voting is about issues and economics, not hormones!”
[4.7, 75.3, 0%, 7.8, 150]

980. What IS America All About?

Many Americans deride presidential candidate Donald Trump because “He’s not what our
country’s all about.” Well, what exactly is our country “all about”? Years ago, it was all about
Mom, baseball, and apple pie. But maybe not. Maybe America—whose settlers murdered First
Americans and enslaved Africans—has always been, or has always been becoming, a country of
conservatives versus liberals, pro-choice versus pro-life, guns versus no guns, straights versus
gays, rich versus poor, owners versus workers, Christians versus other Christians and non-
Christians, and neighbor versus neighbor. A country of free speech—if it doesn’t offend anyone. A
country of assassinations, lynchings, gerrymandering, riots, mass shootings, serial killers, liars,
thieves, cheats, hypocrites, drunk drivers, prisoners, homeless, jobless, and corrupt politicians,
officials, and businessmen. A country that bullies others. A country that breaks treaties and starts
wars. The country that created ISIS. Maybe Trump is what this country is all about.
[10.1, 46.9, 0%, 13.6, 150]

981. Racist, Bigot, Demagogue, Etc.

MAGA staffer Sean asked Kate, “Why do you hate The Donald?” Kate said, “Because he’s a
racist.” Sean asked, “How do you know?” Kate said, “Because of what he said about Mexicans.”
Sean asked, “Which was?” She said, “I forget, but it was really bad.” Sean asked, “Anything
else?” She said, “Because of what he said about Muslims.” Sean asked, “Which was?” She said,
“It was even worse.” Sean asked, “Anything else?” She said, “Because all my coworkers say he’s
a racist.” Sean asked, “Anything else?” She said, “Because he didn’t denounce that Klansman
during that interview.” Sean asked, “Anything else?” She said, “Because all the protesters at his
rallies are holding up Stop the Racism signs.” Sean asked, “Anything else?” She said, “Because
everyone on TV and the Internet says he’s a racist.” Sean asked, “Anything else?” Kate said,
“Because he denied it. What more proof do you need?!”
[3.0, 86.2, 0%, 7.1, 150]

982. Big Bird Springs Jailbirds

On June 30, Mayor DeTallio announced, “Rikers Island costs taxpayers $96,000 annually per
inmate. To reduce that cost, tomorrow we’re releasing all those inmates awaiting a court trial,
including those who cannot afford bail. Every one of them will receive an ankle bracelet, a $300
weekly check, and a bus ride home. My plan kills five birds with one stone. It reduces taxpayer
cost by 80 percent. It gives suspects the dignity of being free instead of locked up like animals. It
allows suspects to be with their families, which fosters responsibility and togetherness. It gives
suspects money to spend, which contributes to the local economy. And it reduces the number of
correction officers, cooks, and other support staff needed at Rikers Island. In short, it’s an
innovative model that other cities will eagerly adopt.” In July, the number of alleged lawbreakers
taken to Rikers, compared to June’s number, quadrupled.
[9.7, 49.1, 0%, 13.6, 150]

983. Rikers Releases Reprobates

On June 30, NYC City Council Speaker Nolauza Pynywher announced, “We’ve just passed my
bill regarding so-called criminals at Rikers Island. Tomorrow we release all prisoners who’ve
been sentenced to one year or less. During out-processing, if they say they won’t be able to find
work, they’ll sign a one-year contract guaranteeing them $500 a week, tax free. All they have to do
is promise to be good. Everyone makes mistakes; everyone deserves a second chance—or more.
As it costs $96,000 annually to house each prisoner, my bill saves taxpayers $60,000 per ex-
prisoner. Further, each so-called criminal becomes an honest wage-earner, each of their checks,
when spent, contributes to our economy, and most important, each and every NYC resident can
stop worrying about crime. All our so-called criminals will be respectable wage-earners who are
no longer forced to mug or rob their fellow residents in order to get by.”
[10.4, 49.4, 12.5%, 18.7, 150]

984. Manhattan Man without a Plan

Roy said, “How can you vote for someone if you don’t know their specific plans?” Pat said,
“Well, Marco laid out all his plans. Can you name one?” Roy said, “No, he was too specific. Who
can remember all those details?” Pat said, “And how about Bush the first? He was specific. He
said, ‘No new taxes!’” Roy said, “Well, they do lie sometimes. But that’s beside the point. Trump
hasn’t been specific about one thing, except building a wall—which’ll never happen.” Pat said,
“He’s been specific about other things. He said he would appoint good, smart agency managers. I
trust him on that. But, you’re right; they’re all full of promises they can’t keep, like Obama in 2008.
That honeymoon didn’t last. I voted for Obama then, but now I’m voting for Trump. I know he’s
full of hot air, but to me, his hot air is refreshing.”
[3.3, 85.4, 0%, 8.3, 150]

985. Princess Picks Her Prince

Kyla said, “Daddy, tell me a story.” Daddy said, “Sure, honey. What would you like to hear?”
She said, “Tell me a story about a beautiful princess.” He said, “Okay. Once upon a time there was
a beautiful princess. But she was unhappy, because she didn’t know any handsome princes.” Kyla
said, “So she went online to a dating service?” Daddy said, “Have I told you this story already?
You’re right. She went to iHarmony, answered 5,000 questions, and found two princes. They were
both handsome, and both wanted to marry her. She couldn’t decide which one. So what do you
think she did?” Kyla said, “I know! She went on a date to a crowded playground with each of
them. Then she picked the prince who had the most fun with the kids, because she wanted to have
kids, too!” Daddy said, “Next time, you tell me a story.”
[3.3, 86.1, 0%, 8.3, 150]

986. No Love at the Net

The director of a popular professional tennis tournament said, “Women players should get
down on their knees every night and thank the Lord that they’re able to ride the coattails of the
men’s tour and get prize money that they don’t deserve. They’re lucky they get any money, yet
they’re demanding equal prize money. That’s like off-Broadway actors demanding on-Broadway
money. That’ll never happen. But because of all this equal rights talk infesting our country, these
women think they have an equal right to the same prize money. Good luck with that. My advice to
them is, if they really want equal prize money—play topless.” Monica, a top tour professional,
said, “What a sexist pig! Our tournaments are nearly always sold out. Women and men are big fans.
We are role models for girls the world over. How dare he imply we’re a mere shadow of the
men’s tour!”
[6.3, 71.7, 8.3%, 12.5, 150]

987. Father Feeds Family Second

Daddy came home. Julia, his oldest child, hugged him. “Daddy, did you bring us some food?
All we had for breakfast was a banana.” Daddy said, “As a matter of fact, honey, I did bring food.
But, you know, the neighbors are hungry too. So I’m going to bring them some food first, and if
there’s any leftovers, I’ll bring them back for you guys, okay?” Daddy went to the neighbors’ place.
When he returned, there was a little food left. His kids wolfed it down. After licking her fingers
thoroughly, Julia said, “Daddy, shouldn’t you feed your own family first, and then if there’s any
leftovers, take them to the neighbors?” He said, “Remember, ‘Do unto others as you would have
others do unto you.’ Someday as adults, all of you might be hungry, and your neighbor will bring
you food.” Julia said, “Sure. If we live that long!”
[4.0, 83.8, 0%, 10.0, 150]

988. Grown-Ups Grab Adult Diapers

An adult diaper company was concerned that adults weren’t breaking down doors to buy its
product, so it hired an ad agency. Agency staff conferred. Rita said, “The problem is nobody wants
to put a box of adult diapers into their shopping cart where complete strangers, including the
cashier, will know their dirty little secret.” Perpetua said, “Exactly. So, let’s make the box brown
and plain.” Curt said, “No. A plain brown box suggests perversion.” Rita said, “How about,
instead of changing the packaging, we change the attitude? Make people proud to wear diapers!”
High-fives abounded. Their new ad campaign flooded TV and other media. Sparkly ads said,
“Hey, I’ve got bladder leakage, but it’s no big deal!” Seniors lapped it up. Before long, healthy
adults started buying diapers just to make others think they had bladder leakage. Such purchases
helped foster conversations—called, according to one senior, “diaper dialogs.”
[6.9, 63.0, 0%, 10.0, 150]

989. Terrorists Terrify Traveler

Amy said, “I’m so worried. They just blew up the airport and subway in Brussels. Before that,
it was Beirut and Paris.” Liam said, “Yeah, and Boston. They get around.” She nodded. “Whenever
I take the M34, I worry. I check out everyone onboard. If I see someone suspicious, I worry until I
get to my stop. Then when I get off the bus, I watch it till it disappears. When it doesn’t explode, I
sigh with relief. I calm down, because I realize that I was being too paranoid. But also, I worry
about you, because you ride the F train every day to Times Square—that’s probably their next
target. They’ve hit all those other cities. It’s only a matter of time before they hit us.” Liam said,
“‘Before’ they hit us?! They’ve already hit us—twice!” Amy said, “Oh, yes. Well, that just makes
me worry more.”
[3.4, 84.3, 0%, 7.8, 150]

990. Free Diapers for City Tots

NYC is now providing free diapers for all. Announced a city council member, “This is just
part of our care package to feed, educate, and clothe all our kids. Kids get free education, starting
with pre-K, till they graduate high school. Because kids can’t learn anything while their stomachs
are growling, they get free breakfast and lunch throughout the year, including summertime—even if
they’re not attending school. Some people ask why, but the reason is obvious: If we’re feeding
them for nine months, we might as well feed them for twelve. The diapers came about because
children with no diapers, or dirty diapers, develop rashes and other symptoms that require parental
or medical care, thus jeopardizing the child’s health and possibly impacting their parents’ work
routine and income. So we’re just being proactive. The same people ask, Who’s paying for all
this? The government—so don’t worry about it.”
[8.6, 62.4, 0%, 16.6, 150]
 991. TRUMP: “HE STARTED IT!”

THE UNFAIR AND UNBALANCED TV interviewer said, “Can’t you two just limit the personal
attacks to each other?” Donald said, “Excuse me. He’s the one who put a picture of my wife
online. So, I put a picture of his wife online. Back at you! He started it; I finished it.” The
interviewer said, “Oh, yeah: ‘he started it.’ Said by every little kid the world over. You’re a
presidential candidate, for crying out loud.” Donald said, “Oh, excuse me. Now you’re dissing
kids?! Be careful—they’re your prospective viewers. What’s wrong with sounding like a kid? I
thought kids were our future! You’ve never, in your adult life, felt that someone else ‘started it,’
and that fact alone justified vengeance? You media people scrutinize everything I say and do so
you can make me look bad, but you’re the morons who always end up with egg on your face.”
[4.7, 76.6, 0%, 9.3, 150]

992. Oscars So White—Solved

Recently, when nary a black was an Oscar nominee, blacks decided they would start their own
Oscars—the Blackademy Awards. Then browns, yellows, and reds decided likewise. This revolt
alarmed the whites. At a hastily arranged confab, an Oscar spokesman said, “How about we rotate
every award every year? For example, one year, Best Director will be black, next year brown,
next year yellow, etc. You get the picture. Will this fly?” Everyone agreed it had eagles’ wings. He
said, “Great, then it’s settled. Next year, whites will get all the awards, then blacks the following
year, then browns, etc. Then we’ll simply repeat the rotation.” The room erupted. Everyone started
yelling. Everyone started complaining and explaining why their own race should go first. Then the
red director-actor stood and said, “Forget it! We’re going first. It’ll be the first time we’ve been
first anything since we got here—first!”
[5.3, 72.1, 0%, 8.8, 150]

993. A Glass Door She Can’t Open

Waiting for the light to change, he spotted a young girl, maybe 13, to his left. She was standing
about ten feet away from a bank’s closed glass door. She was moving her hands about and faintly
smiling. At first, he thought that she was looking at her reflection in the door. He thought that she
was waving to herself and smiling. But that thought changed. As he continued to watch her, he
decided that she was mentally handicapped. She was trying to figure out how to enter the bank. She
was trying to figure out how to get through that glass door. She wanted to go inside. He thought
about all his problems. Bad as they are, he thought, at least I know how to pull open a glass door.
A woman—her mom?—inside the bank opened the glass door, smiled, and beckoned to the girl.
She grinned.
[3.2, 91.0, 0%, 10.7, 150]

994. “That” Word Is Our Word

Will said, “You know, it’s not fair. You people use the N word all the time with one another. I
hear it in every borough and on every train.” Keegan said, “So, what’s not fair?” Will said, “It’s
part of the English language. You can’t call dibs on a word and say it’s yours exclusively.
Everyone who speaks English is entitled to use every word in English.” Keegan said, “Nobody’s
stopping you. Use it all you want.” Will said, “No, thanks. I happen to like my nose. I’ve got a
better idea. If you can claim a word for yourselves, we can too.” Keegan said, “Be my guest. What
word do you claim for your people?” Will said, “’Racist,’ of course. People are using it at the
drop of a hat. So from now on, ‘racist’ is our word exclusively.” Keegan said, “Fine by me. I can
live with ‘bigot.’”
[2.2, 92.0, 0%, 7.5, 150]

995. A Man True to His Word

Kasich criticized his fellow presidential candidate. “Donald back-tracked on his abortion
statement. First, he said a woman who gets an abortion should be punished. Then, when he got all
that flak from social media, he said ‘maybe’ he misspoke. He said he meant to say that if abortion
ever becomes illegal nationwide and a doctor performs one, then the doctor must be punished, not
the woman. This is just another example of why Donald shouldn’t become president—he waffles,
he flip-flops, he back-tracks. That’s not what people want in a presidential candidate. They want a
candidate who makes up his mind and sticks to it. They want a candidate whose word is like a
rock.” Months earlier, Kasich, Trump, and the other candidates had promised to support whoever
became the Republican party nominee for president. Three days ago, Trump reneged on that
promise. Following the flip-flopper’s lead, so had Kasich.
[7.6, 62.7, 8.3%, 12.5, 150]

996. Dad: Nobody Will Remember Me

Dad said, “I always hoped that one of you two boys would have a son, but neither of you did.
So, no grandson for me. Nobody to carry on the name my father gave me. Our family line’s just
going to die out. Who’s going to remember that my dad or I were even here?” His son Danny said,
“I’m sorry, Dad. We both had kids, but they were girls. So, you have beautiful granddaughters. But
as far as your memory and Grandpa’s, you shouldn’t worry about that. Even though you weren’t
rich or famous, you both were Mr. Everyman. Without dads like you throughout history, no culture
would even exist today. Dads like you are the backbone of every society. You worked hard, you
sacrificed, you loved and supported your wife and kids. We all owe you so much. Your legacy is
not a grandson—it’s an entire civilization.”
[4.4, 81.0, 0%, 10.0, 150]

997. Another Day, Another Cliché

Savanah said, “Daddy, we’re studying clichés. I need some help.” Dad said, “Sure, honey.
Most teachers put down clichés, but teachers use them themselves. Everybody uses them. Clichés
aren’t fresh or new, but neither is a pair of old shoes. Clichés are popular because they’re short
and they make sense.” Savanah said, “Well, this one’s short: ‘I’m all thumbs.’ Is that like ‘I’m all
ears,’ when your ears are ‘extra big’ because you’re going to listen real hard? So, that means my
thumbs are extra big because I’m going to—do what real hard?” Dad said, “That’s easy. It means
you’re clumsy using your hands. You’re always dropping things. Imagine having ten thumbs. Could
you take piano lessons? Could you tie your shoes? All thumbs is all bad.” Savanah said, “Not
completely bad, Daddy. If you’re all thumbs, you don’t have to worry about working your fingers
to the bone!”
[3.6, 82.6, 0%, 7.8, 150]

998. NYC: Swimming in (Free!) Franklins

The search goes on for a perpetual motion machine, but the NYC city council has found a
perpetual money machine—the taxpayer. Its latest bill provides free tampons to females in public
schools, homeless shelters, and jails. Said a council member, “We’re here to help our residents,
especially those in institutions and those hiding in the shadows. The comfortable middle class
cries every time we offer something free to the poor, but the middle class has to realize that the
more things that the poor get for free, the fewer things that the poor will try to steal from the middle
class.” In a related event, Hizzoner’s wife urged NYers to apply for NYC’s free taxpayer
preparation services. She said, “These services will help people get their Earned Income Tax
Credit and the NYC Child Care Tax Credit. This is free money and free help to get the free
money.”
[9.6, 63.8, 0%, 21.4, 150]

999. Hack Attacks by the Office Seal

Bill, 5’10” and 250 pounds, said to the pretty, new coworker, “It seems like you’re ignoring
me. Did I do something to offend you?” Melinda said, “Well, since we’re being frank, it’s not you
—you seem like a nice-enough man. It’s your coughing that offends me. You cough constantly, you
cough loudly, and you never cover your mouth! You explode your germs all over this office. When
you cough, your germs enter my mouth, my nose—and my coffee cup. And your cough couldn’t be
louder. You should spend your weekends at the Bronx Zoo harmonizing with the sea lions! You’re
at least 50 years old! Haven’t you learned anything about good manners? All you have to do is
cover your mouth—that’ll smother your cough and keep your germs in your hands, which I hope
you’ll wash. Is that asking too much?” Bill grunted. “You’re too sensitive,” he said.
[4.2, 82.7, 0%, 10.0, 150]

1000. Retiree Should Get a Job

Daphne said, “What’s the matter? You look down in the mouth.” Her husband Niles said, “I am
down in the mouth. I’m bored to death. Retirement isn’t what I envisioned. I’m tired of walking
around the block. I’m tired of reading the newspapers. I’m tired of watching TV. My life is so dull.
Nothing ever happens to me. The local news is always about someone else. The lottery winners
are always someone else. The mayor is always honoring someone else.” She said, “Well, if you
keep busy, you’ll forget about how bored you are and how everything’s always happening to
someone else.” He said, “I am keeping busy.” She said, “I don’t mean keeping busy reading the
paper. I mean keeping busy cleaning out the gutters, trimming the hedge, painting the porch,
mowing the lawn—the list goes on.” He said, “That’s not keeping busy. That’s work. I’m retired,
remember?”
[4.0, 79.6, 0%, 7.5, 150]

1001. Bad Eval Alarms Worker

On Monday, he went to his one-day temp assignment at BBQ&Beanz LLP. When he got there,
he found a Friday memo accidentally left inside the work jacket. It said, “We’ve got Arnie Blarney
from BestTemps scheduled for Monday, but he’s not ideal. Call the other agencies to see if we can
get anyone else, so we can cancel Arnie.” He read it again. I’m “not ideal”?, he thought. He felt
insulted; he felt hurt. What exactly does “not ideal” mean, he wondered. Previously, nobody at
BBQ had ever said, “You’re not finished yet?” Nobody had ever said, “Is this the first time you’ve
ever done this kind of work?” The vibes had always seemed good. He wanted to call the memo
writer. Instead, he swallowed his pride and did Monday’s assignment as fast and as well as he
could. Maybe good work today, he thought, will neutralize this negative note.
[4.7, 78.9, 0%, 10.7, 150]

1002. Q, as in Not PDQ

A funny thing happened the first time Kirk took a trip to Newkirk Plaza aboard the southbound
Q. After it pulled into the station, Kirk got off and started walking toward the stairs. Just then, the
southbound B pulled in. Dozens of riders vacated the Q, dashed across the narrow platform, and
hopped onto the B. What is that all about, Kirk wondered. In fact, he mused, had he been sitting on
the Q just then, he might have felt compelled to change trains himself. Eventually, Kirk figured it
out. The Q was local; the B was express. Riders who switched wanted to get “there” faster. Later,
as a seen-it-all commuter, Kirk regularly hopped off the southbound Q at DeKalb Avenue and
waited patiently for the B, comfortable in the knowledge that, most of the time, the B would catch
up and pass the Q that he had smugly abandoned.
[5.1, 82.4, 0%, 15.0, 150]

1003. Unisex Toilets, Outfits 4 All

A Bronx high school principal proposed unisex restrooms. He said, “America is all about
freedom. Students should have the freedom to use whichever restroom they want. Signage saying
Boys or Girls is sexist. Students don’t feel comfortable doing their business in a sexist restroom.”
Approving his proposal, the board of education immediately established unisex bathrooms in all
five boroughs. Encouraged, the principal had another bright idea. He proposed that graduating high
school students all wear the same color cap and gown, because using purple gowns for males and
white gowns for females “creates separateness rather than togetherness.” The board quickly
instituted his proposal. Inspired by the principal’s ideas, Gotham’s mayor announced three
executive orders. One removed gender signage from all city agency restrooms, another banned the
use of Mr., Mrs., Ms., or Miss when addressing or referring to city workers, and another required
all city workers to wear beige uniforms.
[9.9, 48.0, 0%, 13.6, 150]

1004. EEO to Take Down Godzilla

Ethan, a new hire at HRA, had already had problems with his supervisor, a six-foot, 240-
pound ogre. One morning she told him to call his client. He said he would “in just a minute.” She
bellowed, “Ms. Greene, explain to Mr. Whyte what ‘call your client’ means!” He bellowed back,
“I don’t need a translation, Godzilla!” Godzilla wrote him up. The next day, Ethan sat opposite
Godzilla in the office of the director, another hostile, heavy heap of herness, who said, “Yesterday
you called her Godzilla, and then at exactly 11:47 a.m. today I heard you say ‘you people.’ I’m
writing you up for that. What do you have to say for yourself?” He snorted. “Write me up all you
want, Butterball! I think you’re both closet racists, and that’s why you’ve been riding me—an
innocent white guy—since day one. I’m writing you two up—to EEO.”
[5.4, 76.6, 0%, 11.5, 155]

1005. Garble-Garble at Garble Square

Lorna stood deep beneath Macy’s, waiting for the B train to take her to Columbus Circle. The
huge crowd was a sign that her train was due. She looked at her watch. The crowd grew. Suddenly,
a woman’s voice announced over the two-cups-and-a-string PA system, “Attention! There’s a static
with the static train. Static use the static train or static train instead of the static train.” Few words
were distinct. Scratches overpowered the rest. “Watson, come here!” was probably twice as clear.
Lorna shook her head. A man standing next to her said, “Please, no understand.” Although proud of
being “a real New Yorker” and always eager to help visitors, Lorna had to admit, “I’m sorry, but I
did not understand her either.” He said, “No understand? You speak English. She speak English.”
Lorna said, “Yes, you’re right. I speak English. She speak English. But the loudspeaker no speak
English!”
[3.9, 80.2, 0%, 7.5, 150]

1006. Songs That Change Lives

Leticia said, “Look here. Someone wrote a book titled ‘Your Song Changed My Life.’ So, tell
me. What song changed your life?” Her husband Skip said, “That’s pretty obvious—our wedding
song. I went from being a happy, single guy to being an unhappy, married guy. If I ever meet the guy
who wrote that song—” She said, “Poor you; Google ‘divorce lawyers.’ Now, tell me, what song
changed your life?” He grunted. “No song changed my life! Whoever heard of such a thing? A
book, yes. The Bible has changed a lot of lives. But a song? I’ve listened to hundreds of songs
hundreds of times, but my life’s totally unchanged—well, maybe my hearing’s a little off. You
taught me how to dance, so that’s a little change, too. The title doesn’t fly. The only way a song’ll
change your life—ask Irving—is if you write one!”
[2.0, 94.4, 0%, 8.3, 150]

1007. Tears in My Eyes

Sometimes after I say, “Thank you for calling me” and we hang up, tears form in my eyes. I
love you so much. How could I have caused you to leave me? Along with all my other self-
inflictions, this one badgers me day after day. You said I embarrassed you the other day when we
went to Verizon to exchange my ancient tap-and-wait iPhone for a newer model. I told the worker
that you were my girlfriend. You denied it. Then I showed the worker your picture on my phone.
She smiled. We had fun while we were there—I thought. But on the phone just now, you said don’t
ever say that again. You told me, for the hundredth time, we’re through. We’ll never be together
again, you said. We can be friends, you said, but that’s it. As usual, I said, “Yes, dear.” But I’ll
never give up.
[2.9, 90.7, 0%, 9.3, 150]

1008. Why He Loves His Friend

Angelo said, “I love my friend Tim. Do you know why I love my friend Tim?” Nell said, “I’m
all ears.” Angelo said, “Whenever I talk to Tim, whatever I say, he just says ‘huh.’ He doesn’t
correct me, he doesn’t edit me, he doesn’t contradict me, he doesn’t one-up me, he doesn’t judge
me, he doesn’t tell me that I should do this or do that. He just says ‘huh.’” Nell said, “‘Huh’?
What’s so lovable about that? Who wants to talk to someone who just says ‘huh’? I had a
psychiatrist who just said ‘huh.’ It drove me nuts. I was spending $100 an hour—a 50-minute
‘hour’—and all I was getting was an occasional ‘How do you feel about that?’ among hatfuls of
‘huh.’” Angelo said, “There you go. Tim not only lends me his ear, but every hour I spend with him
saves me $100.”
[3.6, 87.7, 0%, 10.7, 150]

1009. The World’s Best Barber

Debbie said, “My, don’t you look different. Someone got himself a haircut.” Doing a slow 360,
Al said, “Thank you for noticing, although I didn’t hear you say how nice it looks. I’ll have to tell
my barber about that. Maybe he’s slipping.” She said, “My apologies to your barber. Your haircut
looks very nice.” He said, “Thank you. It should. My barber is the world’s greatest. He knows me
like the back of his hand. He cuts my hair however I want, whenever I want. In fact, if I want a
midnight haircut, he’s there in a flash, like a genie. He never complains about the late hour either,
and he never charges me for the house call. In fact, he never even charges me for the haircut.”
Debbie said, “Wow! He surely is one in a million. By the way, you missed a spot behind your left
ear.”
[3.0, 88.3, 0%, 8.3, 150]

1010. MTA, Lower Your Tix$ for the Poor

At a city council meeting, Thomas said, “One-way bus rides and subway rides are $2.75 each.
This is too much money for NYC’s 800,000 poor people. The MTA should cut the ticket price in
half for our poor—and keep it there. It’s insult to injury when you have to pay top dollar to get to
your minimum wage job. And MTA piles on the insults with its nearly annual price increases.”
Ned said, “That’s a great idea for the poor, but it’s a bad idea for the middle class. The less the
poor have to pay for tickets—not to mention everything else!—the more the rest of us have to pay.
Helping the poor is making us all poor.” Thomas said, “That’s okay. When we’re all poor, we
won’t have the income inequality problem anymore. We’ll all be in the same boat.” Ned said,
“Yeah—a sinking one.”
[5.1, 80.2, 0%, 12.5, 150]

1011. You Can Count On Grandma

She was the nicest person that any person could ever be. Her son Ike was with her when, at 95,
she died at home. At the funeral, Ike’s ex-wife Grace took him aside. He hadn’t talked to her since
she divorced him five years after their wedding. She turned their daughter Julie against him, so Ike
and Julie never talked either. Grace and Julie worked as waitresses at a 24-hour truck stop. Grace
said, “Did Mom leave the house to Julie?” Ike snorted. Her voice rose. “Do you know how many
times I used to drag Julie over there to visit Mom? I always told Julie, right in front of Mom,
‘Someday this beautiful house will be all yours, honey, because Grandma loves you so much. Isn’t
that right, Mom?’ And Mom always nodded her head.” Ike shook his head. Grace said, “Julie’s
been waiting all this time for nothing?!”
[3.5, 87.3, 0%, 10.0, 150]

1012. No Sweet Dreams on Used Pillows

He said, “This guy on TV said he checked out all the world’s best-selling pillows, but couldn’t
find one that was comfortable. I wonder how much money and time that took. So he created his
own pillow company. He guarantees his pillow—‘only’ $100—is the most comfortable pillow
you’ll ever use. And if you don’t like it, you can return it within 100 days.” His wife said, “So, are
you going to buy one—or two?” He said, “Honey, it’s returnable. After 100 days. Can you imagine
what’s on a pillow after 100 days?” She said, “I’m sure they throw out the returned ones.” He said,
“$100 pillows? I’m sure they don’t. I’m not going to risk buying a pillow with human cooties.” She
said, “Didn’t you use to rent used bowling shoes and ice skates when you were a kid?” He said,
“Sure. I’m lucky to be here.”
[3.8, 83.9, 0%, 9.3, 150]

1013. Judge Ends Unfair Laws

A Manhattan judge rejected Peter Prosecutor’s attempt to try someone for stealing a lamb gyro
from a halal vendor on West 53rd. “This is America! Being hungry’s no crime!” Judge Judy said.
The following week, she rejected Peter’s attempt to try someone for stealing a wool blanket from
an upscale Fifth Avenue retailer. “This is America! Staying warm’s no crime!” she said. The
following week she rejected Peter’s attempt to try someone for sleeping all day near the turnstiles
in Grand Central. “This is America! Sleeping’s no crime!” she said. The following week she
rejected Peter’s attempt to try someone for peeing in Greeley Park. “This is America! Relieving
yourself’s no crime!” she said. She admonished Peter. “This poor man’s no criminal—he’s a
victim. Stop bringing me victims.” Peter sighed. “They’re all breaking the law.” She said,
“They’re breaking society’s manmade, poor-people laws. They’re not breaking Mother Nature’s
laws.”
[6.7, 60.6, 0%, 7.8, 150]

1014. People Love People News

She was all over TV and other media. Her daily feature, Global Gossip, revealed who was
seen with whom and where, who was breaking up, who was showing a baby bump, and who was
getting divorced. When there was no celebrity news, she made it up. When asked how she got into
the business, she said, “It’s real simple. Almost as soon as I could talk, I was a little gossip. In
elementary school, I became the town tattler. At first, my parents and teachers said, ‘Don’t be such
a tattletale. You should learn to mind your own business.’ But then, they also kept saying, ‘Tell me
everything you’ve heard about SallyMay,’ or JohnnyB, or whoever. I was getting two different
messages, but the overpowering one was—Tell me more! So, here I am, ‘Ruthie Rumor.’ I live and
breathe gossip, and I get to share it with the world!”
[5.6, 76.8, 0%, 12.5, 150]

1015. Make America Hate Again

After Trump announced he was running for president in June 2015, a black guy shot a Latino
cop and an Asian cop in Brooklyn. A white guy shot 12 moviegoers in a Colorado theater. A white
supremacist shot six people at a Sikh temple in Wisconsin. A Muslim psychiatrist shot 13 “infidel”
soldiers in Texas. An Asian student shot 32 people on a Virginia campus. A 16-year-old boy shot
nine other First Americans on a Minnesota reservation. A Latino shot his former supervisor and
three ex-coworkers in California. A black guy shot five ex-coworkers—“racist devils”—in
Florida. A white guy shot a white President in Washington, D.C. To a man, all the shooters, when
asked Why?, said that Trump’s candidacy had made them suddenly hate America, hate everything
about it, and hate everyone in it. Had Trump never run, they all said, they never would have shot a
soul.
[9.2, 53.3, 0%, 13.7, 150]

1016. The Truth about Lies

EllyMay said, “Daddy, you and mom say that I should always tell the truth. But what about
everyone else? They don’t tell the truth. My classmates lie, my cousin Donald lies, and my teacher
lies.” Dad said, “Your teacher?” EllyMay said, “My history teacher said Obama lied about his
birth certificate. At first, I thought she was lying. But on TV the presidential candidates are
accusing each other of lying about everything all of the time. If candidates lie, maybe presidents do
lie!” Dad said, “Well, the truth about lying is sad, honey. At one time or another, everyone from the
President on down to the bicycle delivery guy lies. It’s part of human nature, like scratching. You’ll
just have to get used to it.” EllyMay said, “Ha! I’m already getting used to it. But it doesn’t matter.
I’m going to be just like you and mom—I’ll never lie.”
[4.5, 78.3, 0%, 8.8, 150]

1017. Worth Only $4B? What a Loser!

Like millions of others, Neil and Art were talking about The Donald. Neil loved him; Art
hated him. Neil said, “You’ve got to admire the guy. Forbes says he’s worth $4 billion. How can
you not admire a billionaire?” Art said, “There’s a billion reasons. But one’ll do—his daddy gave
it to him!” Neil said, “C’mon! You know that’s not true. His daddy lent him a million.” Art said,
“Whatever. The fact is, becoming a billionaire is a given when you’ve got a million-dollar head
start.” Neil said, “Excuse me. Have you ever had $100?” Art said, “Of course.” Neil said, “Have
you ever had $400,000?” Art said, “Of course not. What’s that got to do with anything?” Neil said,
“Trump multiplied his million by 4,000. Why didn’t you multiply your hundred by 4,000, if it’s so
easy?” Art said, “Because it’s easy with a million, not a hundred.”
[4.3, 75.8, 0%, 7.1, 150]

1018. Adam and Eve—What a Family!

’Twas a heavenly day. Michael said, “This is rich. Everybody—in every nation!—called him
every name in the book, and he still got the nomination. What a crazy planet—one part awesome,
nine parts awful.” Gabriel said, “Amen, bro. Who’d a thunk? I’m hooked on Channel Seaven. Is it
a soap opera or dope opera down there?” Michael said, “It’s both!” They laughed as they high-
fived each other. Gabriel said, “They’re killing themselves with pollution, religion, and
derivatives. And they call it ‘progress’!” Michael said, “Ten millennia of ups and downs.
Remember when it all started?” Gabriel said, “Like it was yesterday! He said, Watch this. And we
said, Watch what? Two humans holding hands in a garden?” Michael said, “And He said, Just
wait. So we waited.” Gabriel said, “Then we saw Monsieur Le Snake seal the deal, and since then
it’s been, Coney Island Cyclone—all aboard!”
[4.1, 79.2, 0%, 7.1, 150]

1019. Sash Clash for Sad Grad

Mrs. Pormouth called the Texas high school. The principal, Mr. Watnow, answered. She said,
“My Albert just told me that there are going to be 20 students wearing a National Honor Society
sash with their gowns. The other 200 graduating students won’t be wearing one. Albert says he’ll
feel humiliated because all the spectators will see him without a sash and figure that he’s stupid.
My son is not stupid; he’s just lazy. This sash thing divides the graduating class into the Smarts and
the Not-so-smarts. It’s divisive. It’s hurtful. The class should be one big, happy, united family. I say
all the students should be allowed to wear the sash, not just the lucky ones.” The principal sighed.
“I’ve got one extra sash in my office. How about if I lend it to Albert, so he can wear it proudly? In
fact, he can keep it.” She said, “Yes!”
[4.3, 79.4, 0%, 9.3, 150]

1020. Hear, Hear!

Archie complained to his ENT doctor. “When I listen to TV, radio, movies, and when people
talk to me, I have a problem.” The doctor said, “What might that be?” Archie said, “It ‘might be’
that everyone’s talking too fast. I only catch about 80 percent of what I hear.” After a thorough
exam, Archie returned home. His wife said, “Well, what did your doctor say? Do you have wax in
your ears?” Archie said, “No, they’re clean as a whistle. And I passed the hearing test with flying
colors.” Betty said, “So, it’s not in your ears. Maybe it’s between your ears!” Archie said, “You’re
joking, but you’re right. It’s an aging thing. There’s a lag between when I hear something and when
my brain registers it—a signal delay.” She said, “So, is it fixable?” Archie said, “Yes. He gave me
a DVD on how to listen faster!”
[3.3, 85.5, 0%, 8.3, 150]

1021. There Goes the Neighborhood

“Tell me a story, Daddy.” Dad said, “Sure, honey. On Alternative Earth, there was a great
country called Greatopia. It was the greatest country of all time. Its citizens were happy, healthy,
educated, generous, and hard-working.” Jackie said, “Greatopia sounds too good to be true.” Dad
said, “You’re so smart.” She said, “Thank you, Daddy. I got all my smarts from you.” Dad said,
“Well, your mom contributed a little. Anyway, one day the leader of Greatopia, having donned a
navy blue pantsuit, announced, ‘We’re blessed. I propose that we share our huge bounty—our jobs,
food, homes, healthcare, pensions—with those less fortunate.’ Despite some concern, citizens
bought into the idea. Greatopia opened its arms to millions worldwide, who poured across its
borders.” Jackie said, “Did Greatopia go south?” Dad said, “In a New York minute. She’d sold
them a bill of goods. Her myopia turned Greatopia into dystopia.”
[5.6, 69.2, 0%, 8.3, 150]

1022. — Said, – Said

A NYC university president emailed all staff. “Today’s modern world is full of people with
modern sensitivities. And their number one sensitivity concerns their gender. As you know, we all
start out as females. Then, nature and nurture work their magic, and each of us ends up being
mostly male, or mostly female. But not one of us is exclusively male, or exclusively female.
Therefore, to call someone ‘Sir’ may offend him if he looks masculine but actually feels feminine.
And vice versa. Accordingly, to avoid hurting anyone’s feelings, I am forbidding your use of
gender words anytime, anywhere. No more he, she, his, her, him, hers. No more Mr., Mrs., Miss,
Ms. There are plenty of languages worldwide that don’t use the masculine or feminine. It’s time
that English caught up with the rest of the world.” One professor emailed him, “What about
‘Grandma’?” He replied, “No more ‘Grandma’!”
[6.6, 66.8, 0%, 10.7, 150]

1023. The Eyebrows Have It

“Daddy, tell me a story.” Dad said, “Sure, honey. Once upon a time, there was a man who
shaved his eyebrows every Friday night before he took his weekly bath.” Imogene said, “Weekly?
He must have smelled really bad.” Dad said, “That’s for sure. But he was an environmentalist. By
bathing only weekly, he was saving water.” Imogene said, “He was saving water, but he was
losing friends! And why’d he shave his eyebrows? Does that help the environment, too?” Dad
said, “No. He had flybrowitis. That’s when your eyebrows contain a chemical that attracts insects.
In the daytime, flies, gnats, mosquitoes, and bees swarmed around his face. At nighttime, roaches
and ants crawled on his face. Luckily, he was a deep sleeper.” Imogene said, “Eww! How
disgusting. Daddy, is this a true story? Whoever heard of flybrowitis?!” Dad said, “Do you want a
true story, or an interesting one?”
[4.2, 76.9, 0%, 6.8, 150]

1024. Losta Lotsa Pasta

Judith was on the phone with her husband. Craig said, “I’m steaming mad. I just got tricked
again. Yesterday I bought six one-pound boxes of Conzoni spaghetti because they were only a
dollar each. I’m boiling some water now. After I took my usual pasta portion out of the box, there
was only a little pasta left in the box. Usually there’s two big portions. I scrutinized the box. I
discovered ‘Net Weight 10 Oz.’ The Conzoni geniuses reduced the amount of pasta, but they didn’t
reduce the size of the box. That’s box fraud! That’s pasta purloinment!” Judith said, “Well, email
Conzoni. I’m sure they’ll apologize, or offer you a full refund, or maybe even a tour of their plant.”
Craig said, “Ha! How about none of the above? Well, I’ll show them. I’m never buying any of their
products again.” She said, “Unless they’re on sale.” He grunted.
[4.4, 76.9, 5.2%, 7.8, 150]

1025. Politics Makes Strange Bedfellows

Quentin said, “Why are liberals even allowed to live in America? Liberals are just like
communists. They’re against everything America stands for. They want to give away everything
we’ve worked hard for—give it away to every deadbeat in this country with his hand out. America
is successful because it was built on conservatism, and it’ll only stay successful if it sticks to its
conservative roots.” Maureen said, “Yes, America should never change. Conservatives are so
afraid of change that they’re still stuck in the ‘60s—the 1760s! Yet they don’t mind changing the
whole earth through continued use of killer fossil fuels. They’re so stupid! Frankly, it wouldn’t
surprise me if we end up having another Civil War—the Left versus the Right. And you’re going to
lose, so start packing!” The phone rang. Maureen said, “Yes, honey. Daddy’s right here. He’ll pick
you up in a few minutes.”
[6.2, 68.0, 0%, 10.0, 150]

1026. Let There Be Light

The sun set. Thomas and his wife went to bed. He said, “I’m tired of going to bed at sunset.
I’m going to invent a light bulb. It’ll attach to a lamp with an on-off switch and a cord. The cord
will contain copper wires that connect to a plug that goes into a wall socket. The socket has wires
that connect to a source of electricity. At sunset, we’ll turn on the lamp and voila—light!” Mary
said, “That’s nice, dear. But what is ‘electricity,’ and where does it come from?” He said, “Well,
electricity is energy. But I’m still working on exactly where it’s going to come from.” She said,
“Well, can I suggest something? I don’t think people will like having ugly wires all over their
house.” He said, “Trust me. People will be so thrilled with electricity, they’ll never give a second
thought to the wires.”
[3.4, 86.7, 0%, 9.3, 150]

1027. Who Moved My Cheese?

His wife said, “What’s wrong now?” He said, “I’m in mourning. I bought some cheese a few
weeks ago. A magazine article had said it was the best cheese in the world. So, I bought a very
small piece—it was $50 a pound. I hope that cow is insured. Anyway, I brought it home to eat
later. Then I forgot about it.” His wife said, “How could you forget about it? It was right there in
the fridge. I saw it myself.” He said, “It was right there for a while, but then it started moving
around. It eventually ended up in the loneliest, most remote spot on Earth known to mankind—the
back of the fridge, where everything goes to change colors and die. My poor cheese was black and
green. A fridge is a wonderful thing, mind you, but whoever invented it should’ve left out the
back.”
[3.0, 91.2, 0%, 10.0, 150]

1028. One Door Closes, Same Door Opens

He was sitting in the front car of the northbound B train as it pulled into DeKalb. The
northbound R, doors open, was on the next track. He raced out of the B car to the R platform. A
woman was neck and neck with him. They got to the R train just as the doors closed. He frowned.
How many times had he missed a train by just a few seconds? Now he’d have to wait almost 15
minutes for the next R. Then—surprise!—the doors opened. He and the young, pretty woman
entered the car. The train started moving. He said to her, “Boy, we got lucky this time.” She said,
“What do you mean?” He said, “We missed the doors, but the conductor reopened them for us.
That’s a blue mooner.” She said, “Really? Not for me.” He wondered, Is it her luck—or her looks?
[1.1, 100.0, 0%, 8.3, 150]

1029. Guru Wisdom—or Wisdumb?

In his dream, Bob changed the world by sharing a nugget of wisdom. The nugget came from the
noggin of the world’s highest guru. When Bob awoke, he explained his upcoming journey to his
wife. He caught a plane to Nepal. Once there, he hired a guide. After taking Bob to a base camp,
the guide pointed way, way up the mountainside. He said, “Gurujon lives up there. Good luck!”
Three days later, Bob arrived atop the mountain. The guru was sitting on a snowy ledge. A small
cave was behind him. The guru said, “Tea?” Bob said, “Sure!” Bob retold his dream. The guru
happily shared his personal mantra, which he recited 10,000 times a day. Bob returned home. His
wife said, “Okay, change my world!” Bob said, “Ready?—‘It’s always something.’” She laughed.
“Everyone knows that.” Bob said, “Of course. But was I going to tell him that?”
[2.8, 86.5, 0%, 6.8, 150]

1030. Moist Eyes on Father’s Day

Today is our second Father’s Day—without you. We have the day, but not the father. We used
to tease you, and you joked—but you hoped—that we were going to miss you when you weren’t
around anymore. We teased you about your daily Early Bird dinners. You pinched pennies to raise
us, and continued pinching them even after all eight of us were gone and you were well off. We
teased you about all the knick-knacks you bought, and then brought home—partly, you said,
because they were on sale, and partly because they were something for us to remember you by.
Dad, we don’t need a reminder! I told you once, Even if I had a choice of two dads—Hugh Hefner
or you—I’d pick you. You laughed, and said that you’d pick Hef. Hef had one child. He was a poor
man compared to you.
[4.2, 89.2, 0%, 13.6, 150]

1031. No Pulse in Florida

The gunman killed 49 people and wounded 53 others before police put a dozen rounds of their
own into him. The President visited the site of the massacre. Politicians, pundits and plain-spoken
people nationwide decried the continued, easy availability of America’s semi-automatic assault
weapons. Dale said, “I don’t get it. Last year deranged mass murderers killed almost 500
Americans and wounded 2,000. And every shooting got headline news and massive media and
public outcry. Now compare that to more deadly ‘shots.’ Every day, on average, drunk drivers kill
24 people and injure 800 people. Every day, year after year. The most dangerous ‘assault weapon’
in America is the drunk behind the wheel. Why do madmen with guns shock us, while madmen
with keys, who routinely kill thousands more, bore us?” Teresa said, “That’s simple. Americans
expect to die on the highway. They don’t expect to die on a dance floor!”
[8.7, 51.5, 0%, 10.7, 150]

1032. A Black and White Family

Darcy’s dad was white; Darcy’s mom was black. Darcy was a blue moon baby. Instead of
being light brown, or dark brown, or black, or white, he was half-white and half-black. From head
to waist, he was white. From waist to feet, he was black. His schoolmates taunted him so much
that he wished he’d never been born. But he persevered. He graduated from high school and
college and found a good job. Wanting to start his own family, he went on MatchMee.com, where
he met Elizabeth. She was also half-and-half, except she was black on top and white on bottom.
They fell in love, married, and had three children. The first was half-and-half like Darcy. The
second was half-and-half like Elizabeth. The third was half-and-half, but vertically, not
horizontally. She was the one Darcy and Elizabeth knew would suffer the most. She was the one
they loved the most.
[3.8, 83.3, 6.3%, 9.3, 150]

1033. Nose Makes the Man

Modifying various genes, a lab created an ingredient to cure doggy breath. Dog food
manufacturers added it to their wet and dry dog foods. Dog owners worldwide marveled at their
dogs’ fresh breath. Doggy-kissing and face-licking became extremely common worldwide.
Something else became extremely common—dog owners’ new behavior. Whenever they walked
their dogs, owners themselves stopped frequently to sniff fences, telephone poles, trees, and
bushes. Sometimes they even sniffed other dog owners. Cat owners were watching. Alana told
Bruce, “I followed you yesterday. You were so busy sniffing everything that Bowser had to pull his
leash to get you moving.” Bruce said, “Yes, I’ve discovered a terrific new odorific world. I’m a
sniffaholic. I love it. I’ll never stop. You should trade in your cat for a dog.” Alana said, “Never!
Besides, I could stop your sniffing in one second.” Bruce said, “How’s that?” Alana said, “With
Kitty’s litterbox!”
[6.2, 65.1, 0%, 7.8, 150]

1034. Uh, What Was Your Name Again?

Mike introduced himself to his coworker. He said “Mike” slowly and loudly, hoping it would
take. A short time later, she said, “Sir, do you know the password?” Slightly irritated, Mike wrote
down the password. A bit later, she said, “Excuse me, sir. Can I borrow your red pen for a
second?” Mike said, “Please, don’t call me ‘sir.’ Call me Mike.” She said, “I’m sorry. I called you
‘sir’ because—well, I forgot your name.” Mike said, “I know. ‘Mike’ is a difficult name. It’s hard
to spell. It’s hard to pronounce. It’s multi-syllabic.” She said, “No. It’s just that when I meet
people, I get so nervous. I want them to like me, and I worry about saying ‘Hello, nice to meet you,
I’m Heather’ cheerfully and shaking hands properly and smiling sincerely. So today as usual, I was
so busy remembering all this that I forgot you!”
[3.3, 84.8, 0%, 7.8, 150]

1035. Next-Door Nay-Brr

Apparently, and unwittingly, Herman managed to offend his next-door neighbor immediately
upon moving into the building. Whenever their paths crossed, the man ignored Herman. Herman’s
building had a glass lobby door. Getting home late one night, Herman could see his neighbor
waiting for the elevator. Herman loudly turned the key in the lobby door. His neighbor turned and
saw him. The elevator door opened. In the short time it took Herman to get to the elevator, it was
gone. Herman thought, I owe you one. A month later, Herman was waiting for the elevator. His
neighbor was unlocking the lobby door. Herman smirked. The elevator door opened. Herman
entered. His neighbor approached. The door started closing. Herman held it open. His neighbor
didn’t thank him. They rode to the sixth floor in silence. They walked to and unlocked their
adjacent apartment doors in silence. Herman thought, I owe you two.
[5.1, 70.9, 0%, 7.1, 150]

1036. Hate Makes the World Go Down

She said, “You really hate those people, don’t you?” He said, “What’s not to hate? They’re
ugly. They’re lazy. They’re stupid. They’re liars. They’re thieves. Yet, they have attitude! They
actually think they’re better than everyone else.” She said, “How many of them do you actually
know?” He said, “Know? Why would I know them? I know all about them. My dad told me about
them, just like his dad told him.” She said, “They say hate destroys the cup that holds it.” He said,
“Not my cup. They also say spice is the variety of life. Well, hating those people is my spice—it
fires me up. They also say there’s a yin for every yang. So, I love my people, and I hate those
people. Everyone hates something. You hate broccoli. What’s the big deal? I keep it inside. They
have no idea how much I hate them.”
[2.0, 91.3, 0%, 6.0, 150]

1037. Hors d’Oeuvre Meets Picky Kids

“Daddy, tell me a story.” Dad said, “Sure, honey. Once upon a time, there was a piece of
bread, a piece of meat, and a piece of cheese. Fred the Bread said, ‘Let me wrap myself around
you two, and we’ll make some hungry little kid happy.’ Pete the Meat and Louise the Cheese said,
‘Yes!’ So, all wrapped together, they headed to the playground. Once there, Fred the Bread asked
little Johnny, ‘Hi, are you hungry? We’re delicious.’ Johnny said, ‘Sure. But, first, are you gluten-
free? Is Mr. Meat antibiotic-free? Is Ms. Cheese fat-free?’ Fred the Bread asked little Susie. She
said, ‘Sure. But where’s the mustard?’ Fred the Bread asked little Joey. Joey said, ‘Forget it!
Mommy said never accept food from strangers.’” Louise the Cheese started crying. ‘Nobody wants
to eat us!’ Fred the Bread said, ‘Don’t despair. See that fat little kid over there? We’re history!’”
[2.6, 87.9, 0%, 6.5, 150]

1038. Art Not to Be Sneezed At

A private collector paid $100 million for “Eat Your Vegetables,” a textured, abstract
expressionist 6’x15’ painting. But he loaned it to museums for half of every year, so the lacquered,
granular, panoramic artwork basked in worldwide popularity and acclaim. Late in life, the artist
agreed to a magazine interview. “I was staring at a blank canvas. I was eating a tomato. I have
terrible allergies every spring. I suddenly sneezed. Tiny bits of tomato splattered all over the
canvas. At first, I was angry. Then, I was inspired. I ate some more tomato. I sneezed again. I ate
some mango. I sneezed again. I ate some garden peas. I sneezed again. Every spring for 10 years, I
kept eating and ‘painting.’” He chuckled. She said, “That’s disgusting. Your million-dollar
‘painting’ is chewed food?!” He said, “It’s a lot of lettuce.”
[5.9, 64.5, 0%, 6.8, 150]

1039. Long Day, Long Face

His wife asked, “Why the long face?” He said, “It’s June 20.” She said, “Oh, yes. You love
sunshine. So on the longest day of the year, with the most sunshine, you’re unhappy.” He said, “Of
course I’m unhappy. Because starting tomorrow, the days are going to get shorter and darker.” She
said, “So why don’t you just enjoy today? Don’t worry about tomorrow being shorter. You remind
me of that guy who, on his wedding day, suggested to his new bride that they kill themselves
because they’d never be happier than on their wedding day. It was going to be all downhill from
there.” He said, “Well, that guy was an idiot, because he didn’t know for sure. Maybe they’d have
a beautiful baby. Maybe they’d get divorced. But I know for sure. The days are definitely going to
get shorter, and this day is the cause of it.”
[3.3, 87.9, 0%, 9.3, 150]

1040. Short Stories, Long Time

He made a fist and shook it once. “Finally! I just finished my second e-book. Seven years for
two e-books. How pathetic. Some authors write seven real books in seven years.” His wife said,
“Well, your books just took longer to ‘percolate.’ And, you’re such a perfectionist, everything you
wrote, you rewrote twice—that’s six books!” He said, “I wish. But you do have to write the right
words. Mark Twain said the difference between the wrong word and the right word is like the
difference between a lightning bug and lightning. I just hope all my percolating and perfectorating
pay off. We need this book to help pay the bills.” She said, “But why an e-book again? Hardbacks
make more money.” He said, “Two reasons. One, hardbacks cost much more to produce. Two, I
don’t ever want to see my creation looking up at me from a Remainder bin.”
[3.3, 85.5, 0%, 8.3, 150]
500 STORY TITLES SORTED BY GRADE LEVEL

Easiest to Most Difficult

567. Counter Offensive 0.8

613. 2,4,8,16, 32… = A Whole New You! 0.8
580. Words of Love from His Wife 1.1
873. There’s Always Someone Faster, Stronger 1.1
1028. One Door Closes, Same Door Opens 1.1
604. The Laziest Boy in the World 1.2
606. Train Surfers Need More Training 1.2
925. Waiting Up for Santa 1.2
557. I’m Always Here for You…Well, Maybe 1.3
928. All She Wants for Xmas Is… 1.3
907. Grandma Gets a New Kitty 1.4
662. Smoking Hot Trumps Smoking 1.5
676. Look for a Nickel, Find a Quarter 1.5
629. Who Would Suspect a Third Grader? 1.6s
650. A Love Letter 1.6
702. Next! Finish This, Start That 1.6
541. Fishing for Compliments 1.7
665. A Word to the Wise, and Otherwise 1.7
549. A Little Help down the Stairs 1.8
709. What Goes Around Comes Around 1.8
546. A New Toilet Seat, Returned 1.9
552. Toss and Turn All Night 1.9
566. Even Steven 1.9
577. The Paper Chase 1.9
875. WaJaDo? Nuttin. WherJaGo? Nowhere. 1.9
555. A Shot in the Dark 2
617. Don’t Do Anything except Drive 2
638. Ants in Your Plants 2
651. The Ticket Is Half Full 2
658. She Had to Break It to Fix It 2
1006. Songs That Change Lives 2
1036. Hate Makes the World Go Down 2
545. Old Lady Tries to Cut in Line 2.1
599. How to Open a Plastic Produce Bag 2.1
640. He’s More His than Hers 2.1
902. Race Together—A National Conversation 2.1
565. Clock Me Out, Please 2.2
587. A Family That Shops Together 2.2
649. Maybe When We All Have 4 Stomachs 2.2
666. Stuck in the Same Boat 2.2
674. Supe Fails to Fix Faucet 2.2
684. Banana Nana No Booboo 2.2
685. Are You a Real New Yorker? 2.2
694. New Neighbor Joins the Club 2.2
696. Snow and Ice Make Walking Not Nice 2.2
814. Phooey on Golf 2.2
994. “That” Word Is Our Word 2.2
553. Ho $, Ho $, Ho $ 2.3
641. Pretty Face, Pretty Smile, Pretty Sad 2.3
646. Cause of Death: Dumbidity 2.3

692. A Dangerous Borrowed Pencil 2.3

729. Phew! Is That You? 2.3
859. A Hard Look in the Mirror 2.4
965. Boy to Meet His Bro—a Truck 2.4
544. Do the Right Thing 2.5
558. Bake It Black 2.5
578. Time Waits for—This Baby 2.5
594. A Cheap NYC Hotel 2.5
595. A Voodoo Doll in His Image 2.5
623. Sticks and Stones Can Break My Bones 2.5
704. Drug Money Is Tainted Money 2.5
756. Twixt B Train and Platform 2.5
806. Dad, I Miss You 2.5
815. Watch Out for Pretty Magpies 2.5
563. Can’t Sleep? Meet My Feet! 2.6
598. Back to Square One 2.6
605. Work till You Drop 2.6
619. Where Will the Homeless Sleep? 2.6
693. A First-Time Flu Shot 2.6
722. She Can’t Keep Grandpa Home 2.6
745. After Mohs, Dr. Sohs, Cancer Gohs 2.6
948. A Coffin Waits in Brooklyn 2.6
1037. Hors d’Oeuvre Meets Picky Kids 2.6
551. Train Wreck: Lost Lives, Lost Honor 2.7
564. Laundry Watch 2.7
607. The Metro Card with Feet 2.7
630. At 105, She Didn’t Hog the Cake 2.7
669. Glaucoma Isn’t Just for Grandpa 2.7
856. A Man and His New Dog 2.7
893. 90% Off! Buy! Spend! Splurge! 2.7
914. Santa Avoids Soiled Pants 2.7
562. TP Doesn’t Grow on Trees, You Know 2.8
574. Ten Big One$ in the Big Apple 2.8
625. How about Acting like a Grown-Up? 2.8
668. Restaurant Grades—Score Schmore! 2.8
670. The Fat Fix 2.8
679. Thanks for Saying Thanks 2.8
746. Pure Energy, She’ll Never Die 2.8
771. Why Do People Write Stories? 2.8
783. Getting to Know You 2.8
1029. Guru Wisdom—or Wisdumb? 2.8
581. Asking Will Make Her “Nupset” 2.9
831. Is She Pulling His Leg? 2.9
858. Press 1 for English 2.9
894. Babies Come from—Storks? 2.9
913. Proofer Needs a 100-Proof Shot 2.9
1007. Tears in My Eyes 2.9
614. Oh, to Have a Plump Rump 3
642. The Wife, or the Law? 3
656. A Field Day with Apples 3

681. To See, or Not to See 3

786. Cluck, Cluck! 3
803. Skin on Skin on Q Train 3
851. Schizophrenia: A Life Too Long 3
917. No Greeting with “Season’s Greetings” 3
961. The Proof Is in the Grunting 3
981. Racist, Bigot, Demagogue, Etc. 3
1009. The World’s Best Barber 3
1027. Who Moved My Cheese? 3
560. You Talking to Me? 3.1
586. Plane Lost, Blame Found 3.1
590. Ma and Pa Drive to NYC 3.1
592. Ear, Nose, Throat—Feet 3.1
633. Born to Lose 3.1
653. Who’s on First? What’s on Second? 3.1
732. Non-Geek Is an Apple Tech 3.1
749. Divorce Means “I Love You”?! 3.1
779. The Red Pencil Family 3.1
887. Slime Slides past Damaged Dam 3.1
945. Attack of the Blizzards! 3.1
593. Too Ugly for Friendship 3.2
612. All Devices Should Beep Loudly Constantly 3.2
627. Oldest Living Person Hasn’t Lost It Yet 3.2
700. I Love Her so Much 3.2
762. No Cussing at the Customers 3.2
837. Mom Goes On Till She Passes On 3.2
903. The Best Advice Is… 3.2
919. A Santa Claus Story 3.2
993. A Glass Door She Can’t Open 3.2
572. We All Scream for…Gelato! 3.3
585. It Fires Banana Seeds 3.3
591. The Grass Is Always Greener 3.3
618. What’s a 3-Letter Word for “Cool”? .3
652. Baby Sleeping, Engine Running 3.3
664. NYC ACS—Save the Children 3.3
678. Out with the Old, In with the New 3.3
683. Smart Phone Learns a Lesson 3.3
689. All’s Well That Ends Well 3.3
695. Boss Refuses to Share His Caddy 3.3
698. Elvis: I Want Her, and Her 3.3
772. Happy Father’s Day in Heaven 3.3
774. Get Your Buzz from Being Busy 3.3
841. New Job, New Disease 3.3
881. The Shiny Pole of Death 3.3
984. Manhattan Man without a Plan 3.3
985. Princess Picks Her Prince 3.3
1020. Hear, Hear! 3.3
1034. Uh, What Was Your Name Again? 3.3
1039. Long Day, Long Face 3.3
1040. Short Stories, Long Time 3.3

547. Snail Mail vs. Snail Fax 3.4

559. If They’re Old, They’re Dirty 3.4
569. A Gift for Sale 3.4
576. A Kiss Is Just a Kiss 3.4
672. Halfway Done, Halfway There 3.4
718. Ten Houses? 20 Cars? I’ll Take Fresh Shorts 3.4
764. Thank You for Your Service 3.4
766. Why NYC’s Called “The Big Apple” 3.4
793. Pretty Is Better than Smart 3.4
966. iHate My iPhone 3.4
989. Terrorists Terrify Traveler 3.4
1026. Let There Be Light 3.4
570. Dinner and a Movie 3.5
589. The Big Apple Gets Its Apple 3.5
615. The Inker That Tinkered 3.5
631. Follow Your Instincts 3.5
680. Out of –sight, Out of Mind 3.5
688. Red Shirt Not Worth a Red Cent 3.5
713. A Queens Fish Tale 3.5
727. Four Lanes Fail to Faze Fearless Man 3.5
743. He’s Happy, He Whistles 3.5
753. Warm Thoughts in the Wee Hours 3.5
852. Finally, a Dream Come True! 3.5
1011. You Can Count On Grandma 3.5
677. Memories Are Made of This 3.6
699. What’s behind the Bathroom Door? 3.6
701. Magazine Tries to Trick Him 3.6
787. Teacher Insults Slow Student 3.6
801. Claustrophobia on B Train 3.6
830. Shark Bait Beats Mega Bet 3.6
839. Next Search: “Affordable” Lawyer 3.6
876. Man Tries 50 Runs, 50 States 3.6
885. The Gasman Cometh, Goeth 3.6
891. Baby Left in a Manger 3.6
921. Pretty Woman, Ugly Habit 3.6
923. Traintive Speech by Down and Out 3.6
949. College Bum Gets a Job 3.6
975. Visiting Hours Are Over 3.6
997. Another Day, Another Cliché 3.6
1008. Why He Loves His Friend 3.6
573. Who’s the Boss of You? 3.7
579. Life of Pi 3.7
626. Cramps with Amps 3.7
648. The 50% Golden Rule 3.7
795. Fido Fetches 50 Items—by Name 3.7
819. Buttons His Lip Re Her Tat 3.7
821. Have You Heard the One About? 3.7
915. Fresh Fruit, Spoiled Students 3.7
935. Now It’s Your Turn to Wait 3.7
554. Superman Rides the Q Train 3.8

610. Gigabytes That Takeabyte 3.8

654. Honk if You Love Her, Too 3.8
661. On Sundays He Plays His Bass Drum 3.8
667. Rock Paper Scissors Victor 3.8
703. Nose Doc Knows Shortcut 3.8
759. Teacher Dislikes Student’s Questions 3.8
798. Smart Gamblers Don’t Play Lottery 3.8
908. NPRNT 3.8
968. Who Is without Sin? 3.8
1012. No Sweet Dreams on Used Pillows 3.8
1032. A Black and White Family 3.8
583. What’s in a (File) Name? 3.9
600. He Offers Them His Seat 3.9
616. She Never Knew What Didn’t Hit Her 3.9
632. Every Picture Tells a Story 3.9
657. Rock, Machete, Lasso 3.9
686. Honker Helper for Hopeless Honkers 3.9
691. Three-Ring Circus on the B49 3.9
733. Take the Pill and Tell the Truth 3.9
736. A Doctor, a Glove, a Finger 3.9
741. No Easy Way out for Killer 3.9
744. NYC: Kill the Golden Goose 3.9
883. Who Looks Most Presidential? 3.9
1005. Garble-Garble at Garble Square 3.9
542. T-Shirts for Meet-Ups 4
624. First Things First Every Morning 4
634. Do Half as Much Double-Checking 4
675. No More Bedtime Stories 4
690. Be Grateful There’s No “Durian Week” 4
765. Her Oral Garlic Garden 4
781. Dumbest Honker in NYC 4
799. Dunce Hat for Her, Jobs for Others 4
840. Cobbler with Cobwebs 4
960. Lease Roulette—Black, or Red? 4
969. They’re Our Future—If They Survive 4
987. Father Feeds Family Second 4
1000. Retiree Should Get a Job 4
639. Fresh, Frozen, Canned 4.1
647. Frowny Face in Word 2007 4.1
716. Payo Clinic’s Free Health Letter 4.1
719. Which Neighbor Steals His Paper? 4.1
761. Painter Wants 10% of Each Resale 4.1
826. Share Fun Fact with Class 4.1
832. Jingle to Improve Pecan Sales 4.1
850. Space Heater: Too Many Choices 4.1
882. Maybe He’s Just Overthinking 4.1
890. Home, Sweet Home—Seller Remorse 4.1
971. Believe in Yourself 4.1
1018. Adam and Eve—What a Family! 4.1
621. Find a Spot at Noon for July 4 Fireworks 4.2

655. You Think YOUR Train Is Crowded 4.2

659. PSA: Baby Samaritans, Not Snatchers 4.2
682. Don’t Call Me a Racist! 4.2
706. NYC World Series Final Is a Gem 4.2
725. Mountaintop Guru Serves Tea, Saves World 4.2
848. Gas Co.: You Just Wait for Us! 4.2
874. A Trip to a MuZZZeum 4.2
999. Hack Attacks by the Office Seal 4.2
1023. The Eyebrows Have It 4.2
1030. Moist Eyes on Father’s Day 4.2
603. Big C Takes Mom’s Sis 4.3
705. Radio Host Attacks President 4.3
738. Earth: An Eon with No Neon 4.3
824. Customer Service: 4 or 7? 4.3
861. Wife Lists Hubby’s Writing Skills 4.3
1017. Worth Only $4B? What a Loser! 4.3
1019. Sash Clash for Sad Grad 4.3
584. Everything Everywhere Is a Story 4.4
597. Captain Kirk Is in the House 4.4
611. Bridge Jumpers vs. Track Jumpers 4.4
622. How Soon We Forget 4.4
636. Mom Abandons Baby in Subway 4.4
747. March 31—The Day Dad Died 4.4
780. White Trainee vs. Black Trainee 4.4
790. Last Ride on Coney’s Cyclone 4.4
800. Inmate Becomes PutMeOutmate 4.4
842. The Fat Rises to the Top 4.4
866. Fewer Tires, More Profit 4.4
867. No Law and No Order 4.4
916. White Is Beautiful—in 40 Years 4.4
930. Hey, You Never, Uh, Win.® 4.4
967. Step Aside on Sidewalk 4.4
996. Dad: Nobody Will Remember Me 4.4
1024. Losta Lotsa Pasta 4.4
608. Free Lunches for All! 4.5
707. Brooklyn Bridge Meets Moby-Ship 4.5
728. For Felon: Pain-Free Farewell 4.5
742. United States Not So United 4.5
791. Don’t Make Excuses for Hotdog Loser 4.5
807. LGBT Scouts of America? 4.5
823. How Was Your Day (Briefly)? 4.5
845. Best Rx for Job Stress 4.5
865. Achtung! Guten Morgen! Gesundheit! 4.5
918. Silence, but No Vow Taken 4.5
933. Happy Birthday, Dad! 4.5
1016. The Truth about Lies 4.5
543. Be Nice or Don’t Graduate 4.6
609. Grandpa and His Legacy 4.6
644. At Least the Bridge Is Still There 4.6
697. His Water and Brain Are Boiling 4.6

708. Schoolwork as Easy as Pi 4.6

714. The Oscars Are Broken 4.6
776. She Has a Police Artist Face 4.6
812. Fences Make Bad Neighbors 4.6
717. Scrub-a-Rub-Yikes in the Tub 4.7
792. Coming Through—Make a Hole 4.7
794. Radio Show Spelling Contest 4.7
797. Unasked-for Advice—It’s Human Nature 4.7
833. A Picture’s Worth 1,000 Kudos 4.7
896. Lexus Loses Its Luster 4.7
953. But You Can’t Hang Soup on a Wall 4.7
964. Foto Algo Turns Teens Off 4.7
979. Vote with Your Organ 4.7
991. Trump: “He Started It!” 4.7
1001. Bad Eval Alarms Worker 4.7
596. The Spire Makes It Higher 4.8
660. Teacher, the Ebola Ate My Homework! 4.8
711. Give Me Back My Baby! 4.8
768. Honklyn, New Honk City, The Honx 4.8
936. Row, Go, Row, Go, Row Your Boat 4.8
958. Lights Off? Gas Off? TV Off? 4.8
976. Play Nice with Payroll 4.8
568. Soap Suds and Clean Duds 4.9
645. More Guards, Fewer Drownings 4.9
720. Yay! No More Winter Clothing 4.9
748. VA Job Interview Goes S 4.9
769. The Unhappy Lemonade Man 4.9
818. An Undeserved Gift 4.9
950. Constantly Correcting Corey 4.9
978. African Cabbie Loves America 4.9
710. Cop’s Funeral: Disrespect, or No Big Deal? 5
757. Which Is Worse to Be Fired For? 5
816. Careful What You Sign 5
836. Dog Takes Dump, Lady Takes Hike 5
860. Four Weekends Is Forever? 5
869. If Kitty Won’t Eat It, More for Me 5
924. Mow Your Lawn in Your Shirt 5
977. WWII Solved Racism Problem 5
620. Popeye Meets MJ Meets Balloon Dog 5.1
730. Fat Fine Not Fine with Mom and Dad 5.1
844. Drunken Vegans: Where’s the Beef?! 5.1
895. Money in a Hat 5.1
932. Feline with Feelin’ 5.1
938. Freemen Freezing in the Brroughs 5.1
946. Hero Heists Hero, Filches Filberts 5.1
951. Maybe She Could Regift Car 5.1
1002. Q, as in Not PDQ 5.1
1010. MTA, Lower Your Tix$ for the Poor 5.1
1035. Next-Door Nay-Brr 5.1
582. Sucko Lotto 5.2

588. Your Dime, Your Whine 5.2

637. New Law: More Marinada than Marijuana 5.2
687. It Ended, and Began, with a Gun 5.2
760. Memorial Day Honors “Deterans” 5.2
763. Her 20-Second Talk Rule 5.2
805. SuperBowl QB Mum Re Texts 5.2
957. A Shot, a Stairwell, a Silence 5.2
963. Butterfly Net for Cat-Woman 5.2
755. She’s All He’s Left With 5.3
843. Gargoyle Watches B38s Go By 5.3
897. A Gift Set Aside 5.3
899. Surprise Visit on Xmas Day 5.3
910. Unpersoning—Where Does It End? 5.3
955. Planet’s Sole Paperless Place 5.3
992. Oscars So White—Solved 5.3
721. Why Not Melt Snow Instead of Push It? 5.4
785. I’m Shocked, I Tell You—Shocked! 5.4
870. When Apt. Neighbors Are Vandals 5.4
900. Soothe the Savage Breast 5.4
926. He Sullied the Salad 5.4
974. Silent So Long at Office 5.4
1004. EEO to Take Down Godzilla 5.4
548. Happy Thanksgiving! 5.5
556. The Electric Shaver Savior 5.5
602. Cat Attacks Dog Attacks Boy 5.5
909. More Ketchup, Dear? 5.5
561. If You Can’t Trust Your Doctor 5.6
788. Bad Habits Are to Be Enjoyed 5.6
796. Life after Life 5.6
901. Homeless Shelter Too Close to Home 5.6
943. Don’t Be Meen at Halloween 5.6
1014. People Love People News 5.6
1021. There Goes the Neighborhood 5.6
773. Liberal NYC Liberates Street Signs 5.7
855. Empathy Won’t Get You Hired 5.7
872. Remove HS Metal Detectors 5.7
758. Classmate’s Tooth Fails to Interest Her 5.8
813. A “Starter” Cigarette for Kids 5.8
879. The Rat Race Is Over 5.8
962. Cyclocross? More like Double-Cross 5.8
671. Don’t Drop That Eyeball! 5.9
922. And the New Miss Universe Is, Uh… 5.9
1038. Art Not to Be Sneezed At 5.9
635. Cops That Just Say No 6
715. “DeflateGate” Rocks Football Nation 6
754. NYPD Ignores Fruit, Van in Brooklyn St. 6
854. Art: A Moustache on a Photo 6
886. M–y C––-s! 6
889. Colander OK, but Not Hijab 6
643. “Ours” and “Theirs” Elevators 6.1

959. A. We’re All Africans B. Speak for Yourself 6.1

767. One Year Living in a Globe 6.2
939. Curtis—Potential POTUS? 6.2
1025. Politics Makes Strange Bedfellows 6.2
1033. Nose Makes the Man 6.2
663. It’s Columbus Day—or Not! 6.3
808. Capital Punishment for Racists 6.3
884. OK Earthquakes Not OK 6.3
986. No Love at the Net 6.3
673. Pick Your Poison 6.4
942. Everyone Is Beautiful—to Someone 6.4
550. Tew Plus Foor Izz Ayt 6.5
575. Spidey Scales Spire of 1WTC 6.5
601. Who Do You Want to Be? 6.5
628. Wtd: NYC Bldg Inspectors—NoExpNec 6.5
809. Creepy, Crawly Cooties 6.5
827. Cruel Death for Cool Dad 6.5
868. No Smoking Anywhere in America! 6.5
888. What a Country—Everyone Passes 6.5
947. He Tests People, Too 6.5
734. President: No Cure for Racism 6.6
877. Whose Nose Do You Want? 6.6
1022. — Said, – Said 6.6
731. NYC Radio Station Going Spanish 6.7
750. Everyone Is Too Darn Sensitive 6.7
751. It’s NYC: Pee Anywhere You Want 6.7
834. Why Do the Poor Bankroll the Rich? 6.7
898. Wait List for Full-Service UES Bldg 6.7
904. What Do Old Men Think About? 6.7
1013. Judge Ends Unfair Laws 6.7
723. Other Lives Matter, Too 6.8
849. I’ll Stick to You like Gum to a Shoe 6.8
940. Innocent Lad or Spoiled Brat? 6.8
784. Divided States of America 6.9
804. I Left My Puddle in SF 6.9
988. Grown-Ups Grab Adult Diapers 6.9
739. Do It without Doing It 7
828. Careful What You Pray For 7
927. Art: What Is It, Really? 7
929. Is It AM or AN (ANnoying) Radio? 7
931. But Dems Know: He THINKS It 7
735. Scientist: Racism to End Soon 7.1
920. For Some, Racism Is like Oxygen 7.1
782. SCOTUS Okays Same-Sex Marriage 7.2
835. Germany Cheats on U.S. Car Test 7.2
817. Topless in Times Square 7.3
820. Five Boroughs of Seatmate-Phobia 7.4
880. The Foreigners Are Coming! 7.4
941. Thugs Punk Drunk from Dark Park 7.4
838. Telephone: Not Just a Kid’s Game 7.5

862. Horn of Used to Be Plenty 7.5

726. Web Search for a Job in NYC 7.6
995. A Man True to His Word 7.6
712. Whom to Blame for French Massacre? 7.7
864. Buses Don’t Just Walk Away 7.7
825. When Shoe’s on Other Foot 7.8
857. End of the World 2.0 7.9
770. The Happy Lemonade Man 8
775. Fly the Formerly Friendly Skies 8
740. You Say Burrito, I Hear Statico 8.1
789. There’s a New Sausage in Town 8.1
937. Diamonds, a Guard’s Best Friend 8.1
970. Cell Life Looks Good 8.1
724. Car Purrs—Like a Paper Tiger 8.2
905. Massacres—Why Ask Why? 8.2
846. Ain’t No Sunshine Now You’re Gone 8.3
892. Please Don’t Shoot the Help 8.3
956. Meteorite Transforms Town, Man 8.3
912. LA Shuts Down, NYC Teaches On 8.4
934. Bad Breath, Black Lungs, Rank Duds 8.4
737. NYC Schools: Kid Gloves for Kids 8.6
972. Herr Hair—Orange, That Is 8.6
990. Free Diapers for City Tots 8.6
1031. No Pulse in Florida 8.7
811. Beware the Internet of Things 8.8
911. “The Scream,” by G.W. Munch 8.8
810. Sidewalk Bicyclist Flies, Swims 8.9
863. Mankind’s No. 1 Foe Is NOT Man?! 8.9
778. General Lee Becomes Unperson 9.1
829. Airline Might Soon Go Southsouth 9.2
1015. Make America Hate Again 9.2
752. Mayor’s No Biker-Liker 9.3
802. Drop a Dime on Drunk Drivers 9.5
944. To Hospital Bacteria: All Aboard! 9.5
906. Out of the Shadows at Last 9.6
952. Pb + H2O = Brain Drain 9.6
998. NYC: Swimming in (Free!) Franklins 9.6
982. Big Bird Springs Jailbirds 9.7
853. The New NYC: No Roaches, No Rubberneckers 9.9
1003. Unisex Toilets, Outfits 4 All 9.9
980. What IS America All About? 10.1
878. Say Goodbye to Geo. Washington 10.2
983. Rikers Releases Reprobates 10.4
777. Rebel Flag Goes South 10.5
954. No Praise for Council’s Self-Raise 10.5
871. What Are WE—Chopped Liver? 11
973. Vote One, Vote All 13.2
822. Word Choice Matters 13.5
 INDEX

THE FOLLOWING PARTIAL INDEX OF Volume 2 contains selected names intermingled with
trademarks. The trademarks are the property of their respective owners. I did not highlight
trademarks. If you want to determine if a name is a trademark, type the name into your search
engine (look for an ® or ™ after the name) or visit http://tmsearch.uspto.gov. I used MS Office
Word 2007 to alphabetize this list of 499 terms.

2 train, 2010 Census, 245 Houston Street, 245 West Houston, 28th Street, 33rd Street, 34th
Street, 3D, 6 train, 78th Precinct, 911, 970 AM, 980 AM, 99 Cents store, A train, AARP, ACS,
Adolph Hitler, Africa, AIDS, Alabama, Alcoholics Anonymous, Ali, Allah, Alternative Earth,
AM, America, Amtrak, Apollo Theater, Apple, Aqueduct, Arizona, Aryans, Astaire, Atlantic,
Autotrader, Avenue R, Avenue Z, B train, B38 Limited, B49, Baker, Balloon Dog, BAM Harvey
Theater, Band-Aids, Beaver Street, Beirut, Bellevue Hospital, Bergen Street, Bernie, Bible, Big
Apple, Big Bang, Big Bird, Big-Time Eating, Bill Clinton, Black Lives Matter, Blackademy
Awards, blactivist, blue mooner, Bono, Borgs, Boston, Boy Scouts, Bratton, Brighton Beach,
Broadway Bites, Broadway, Bronx Zoo, Bronx, Brooklyn Bridge, Brooklyn, Brougham, Brussels,
Bud, Bullitt, Burbank, Burton, Butterball, Cadillac, California, Campbell’s Chicken Rice, Canal
Street, Captain Kirk, Cary Grant, CCU, Central Park Zoo, Central Park, Channel 7, Charger,
Charging Bull, Charles River, Charlie Chaplin, Chelsea, Chicago, Children’s Services, Chile,
China, Christmas, CIA, Citi-Bike, City Hall, Civil War, Clark Street, Clint Eastwood, Coast
Guard, Colorado, Columbia Heights, Columbus Circle, Columbus Day, Compassionate Care Act,
Coney Island, Confederate, Congress, Connecticut, Cooper Union, Coupe de Ville, CPR, crapsule,
Crown, Cub Scouts, Cuba, Curtis Sliwa, cyclocross, Cyclone, D.C., David Oyelowo, Declaration
of Independence, DeflateGate, DeKalb Avenue, Denmark, DHS, DMV, DNA, DNAinfo.com,
Donald Trump, Doody’s Home Center, Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., Dr. Seuss, Drogs, DVD, Earned
Income Tax Credit, Earth, East River, Eataly, Ebola, Edison, Edsel, EEO, Egypt, Eiffel Tower,
Einstein, Eisenhower, Elvis, Emmons Avenue, Empire State Building, England, ENT, ESL,
Ethiopia, Europe, Exchange Alley, Exchange Place, FAA, Far Rockaway, FBI, Febreze, Fifth
Avenue, First Amendment, First Americans, Flatbush Avenue, Flatbush, Flint River, Flint, Florida,
Forbes, Fortress of Solitude, Frazier, French Cleaners, Fuji, G.W. Munch, George Bush, George
W, George Washington, Georgia, Germany, Ginsu 2000, Gloogs, GM, GMO, God, Godzilla,
Golden Gate Bridge, Golden Goose, Golden Rule, Google, GoPro, Gotham, Governor Moonbeam,
Grand Central Station, Greatopia, Greeley Park, Greeley Square Park, Green Wood, Greyhound,
Grom, Guardian Angels, Halloween, Harlem, Harvard Bridge, Helen Reddy, Hepburn, Herald
Square, Hero of the Month, hijab, Hillary, Hitler, HIV, HIV+, Hizzoner, Hoboken, Holder, Home
Depot, Honda, HRA, HUD, Hudson River, Hugh Hefner, Hulk, HVAC, ID, IED, Ike, Illinois,
Indiana, Internet of Things, Internet, iPhone, IQ, Iraq, ISIS, Jack Arabus, Jackson, Jamaica
Hospital, Jeff Koons, Jewelers on Fifth, JFK, Jindal, Joey “Jaws” Chestnut, Johnny Cash, Judge
Judy, July 4, Junior’s, Junkyard Dogs, K-12, Kansas, Kasich, Kathleen Turner, Kenya, Kings
Highway, KKK, Klansman, LA, Landmarks Conservancy, Larry, Las Vegas, LAX, Lenox Hill
Hospital, Lexus, LGBT, LGBTQ, Liberia, Lloyd’s of London, Looney Tunes, Lord, Los Angeles,
Lotto, M&Ms, M34, Macy’s, MAGA, Mandarin, Manhattan Detention Complex, Manhattan, Mark
Twain, Marlboro, Marlon Bogart, Massachusetts, Master of Ceremonies, Matt Stonie, MC,
Medicaid, Medicare, Mega, Memorial Day, Mermaid Parade, Meryl Streep, Metro card, Metrojet,
Miami, Michigan, Middle East, Minnesota, Miss Colombia, Miss Philippines, Miss Universe,
Mississippi, Missouri, MIT, MJ, Mohs, Moley, MoMA, Mork, Mother Earth, Mrs. Claus, Mt.
Rushmore, MTA, muppet, Mustang, N train, N word, Nanny Mayor, Nascar, Nashville, Nathan’s,
National Honor Society, Nativity, Nazi, Neighborhood Watch, Neil Armstrong, Nepal, Netflix,
New York City, New York, New York, Newkirk Plaza, NFL, NG, North Korea, NPR, NSA,
Numero Uno, NY Mets, NY Times, NY Yankees, NYC Child Care Tax Credit, NYC ID, NYC
Rental Guidelines Board, NYC, NYPD, Oak Bridge, Obama, Ocean Avenue, off-Broadway, OK,
Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, Old English Polish, One World Trade Center, Oprah, Oscars, P’s and
C’s, Parachute Jump, Paris, Parkside Avenue, Pasteur, PBS, PC, PDQ, Percy Sledge, Pier 17, pit
bull, Poland Spring, poor door, Popeye, Port Authority, Post-it, POTUS, Power Ball, PR, Pratt
Institute, Presley, Prospect Park, PSA, Q train, QB, Q-tip, Queen of All Saints Church, Queens,
Quick Pick, R train, Race Together, real New Yorker, Red Sea, Rembrandt, Remington XLR3000,
Reservoir Dogs, Rikers Island, Rikers, RN, Robert E. Lee, Rock Paper Scissors, Rockies,
Rudoph, Russia, S&H, Salisbury, Salvation Army, Samsung, San Francisco, Santa Claus, Santa
Monica, schizophrenia, SCOTUS, Scrabble, Season’s Greetings, Selma, SF, Sheepshead Bay, Sieg
Heil, Snoopy, Snow White, Social Security, South America, Spam, SpongeBob, St. Mark’s Place,
St. Petersburg, Starbucks, Staten Island, Statue of Liberty, Streisand, SuperBowl, Superman,
Supreme Court, SUV, Syria, T-bone, TB, Terms of Use, Texas, Thailand, Thanksgiving, The City
That Never Sleeps, The Donald, The Great American Novel, The King and I, The Scream,
ThinnSqinns, Thomas Jefferson, Times Square, Today Show, Tony Bennett, Tottenville, TP,
Trooper, TSA, TV, U.S., U.S.A., U2, UES, UK, Ulysses, Undo, Union Square, Uniqlo, United
Kingdom, United Nations, United States, Upper East Side, VA, Vancouver, Verizon, Veterans Day,
Virginia, Voodoo, Wall Street, Washington, D.C., West 23rd Street, West 4 Street, West 53rd,
Whacka, When a Man Loves a Woman, White House, White Lives Matter, Whitney Museum of
American Art, Whole Foods, William Hurt, Willis Tower, Willoughby, Wisconsin, Woodlawn,
Word 2007, World Series, World War II, Xmas, Yankee Stadium, Yelp, Yemen, Yorkie, YouTube,
Yul Brynner

…………………………………………….
END
English Learner 500 Short Stories
for Beginner-Intermediate Vol. 2
By Mike Carlson (michaeleslATgmail.com)
© 2016 Mike Carlson. All Rights Reserved.
ISBN: 978-0-9915994-1-7
Copyright Registration Number: TXu 2-026-726
Effective Date of Registration: September 7, 2016
 MORE BY MIKE CARLSON

English Learner 500 Short Stories for Beginner-Intermediate

SEE MORE AT MIKE CARLSON’S AUTHOR PAGE