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Sydney Sanders

Mr. Taylor

English II Honors

21 March 2019

Coming of Age Experience

Everyone in the world will experience a coming of age experience in his or her

lifetime. It is a time of growth and introspection. It could also be challenging, but that is what

prepares you for life. Each person has his or her own story to tell, and we can learn a lot from

each other. The choice to learn and grow from the experience is up to the individual alone. Our

experiences shape us; therefore, who we are as people will be determined by how we face life’s

challenges. I may not be able to help everyone, but I can tell people my story and hope they find

courage in that. I learned a lot from my coming of age experience that I will keep with me until

the end of life. Going to see a psychiatrist was my coming of age experience because it really

changed the way I live my life. My experience taught me that everything is going to be okay, and

no matter how hard life gets, there are better days ahead. My outlook on life has changed, which

has made me a happier person. It taught me how to love myself by merely living as the person I

am.

Prior to seeing the psychiatrist, I was miserable because of my persistent panic attacks.

My tears would roll down my pillowcase at night because I was so exhausted and finally able to

relax. Waking up everyday was so terrifying, let alone going to school. The world beyond my

door was darker than night and scared me so much that the teachers had to ask me if I was okay.

I told the teachers yes, and that was when I told my first lie. I kept telling myself I would grow
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out of the panic attacks and I tried to convince myself that I was just being too dramatic. I came

to the realization that no matter how hard I tried to calm down, it wouldn’t matter. In the end the

anxiety always came back. I felt as though I was already dead and trapped inside myself, but I

kept going. It’s hard to say what kept me going but I think that deep down I had hope, I just

didn’t realize it. I never felt like I belonged anywhere, I didn’t have a dream or goal for my

future, and I lived because I could not die. I thought that if living was more painful than dying,

why should I live. I was controlled by anxiety, feeling trapped in the invisible cage of anxiety

like a bird that just wants to fly with the rest of the flock. I had moments of fleeting happiness,

but they ushered in sudden fear. I lived like this for a long time because I didn’t know any

different, but over time I came to the conclusion that my thoughts and behaviors were abnormal.

I often think of how different things may be if I reached out sooner, because I wasn’t alone. I

wish I had done something sooner, but to have courage is easier said than done.

During the transitional period between middle school and high school, I discovered a

music group called BTS. Their music discusses mental health and other social issues, therefore I

became interested. I had been panicking about the transition into high school, my sister going to

university, and I felt totally alone, but when I read their lyrics I did not feel so alone. They

helped me realize that I was going through a rough time but it will pass like the seasons change

from winter to spring. Their kind words became the sunshine on all of my rainy days. I began to

feel like I belonged somewhere and that I had an impact on the world around me, which is

something I had never felt before. I started to feel happier as each day passed, which inspired me

to take charge of my anxiety disorder. I went to see a psychiatrist and it was one of the best

decisions I have ever made. This choice I made would go on to impact my life in immeasurable
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ways. When I went to see the psychiatrist, my sister decided to go too for her OCD. I saw the

impact it had on both me and my sister, inspiring me to work in mental health. I want to become

the person I needed back then for someone else. I no longer felt controlled by my anxiety, and I

had never felt more free.

I have learned through seeing the psychiatrist and with the guidance of BTS’ message

that the most important love is self love. They have shown me that we can hope for better days

because we have plenty of days. A smile has returned to my face since getting help. They have

shown me that it’s okay to not have a dream, but once you have it you should run towards it. I

used to be running from the nightmares all around me but now I am running towards my dream

until my lungs tear because I am getting farther and farther. If I fall and get hurt, I will choose

freedom and happiness. They have shown me that the sky before the sun rises at dawn is always

the darkest, so keep going forward and don’t lose hope. Because where there is hope, there are

trials which will show another piece to the map of the soul. As of right now, I am the happiest I

have ever been in life and I am learning how to love myself for who I am. My beginnings may be

humble, but the end will be prosperous. I have a dream, I have a purpose, and I have a place

where I feel like I belong. I now know that all my faults are stars that make up the constellation

of my life. I have started the process of loving myself for who I was before, who I am now, and

who I will become in the future because they are all me.

In the future, I will be more capable of handling all of life’s challenges because I’ve gone

through the thought processes before. This coming of age experience has taught me many things,

the most important being the knowledge that everything will pass. What I have learned will

hopefully have a butterfly effect and reach the people I meet. I hope to inspire people I meet to
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tell us their story and let people hear their conviction. I will be working hard to achieve my

dream of becoming a psychiatric nurse practitioner, and that will help me live a comfortable,

fulfilling life. I am going to be prepared for issues like death because I have learned that pain in

all of its forms will not last forever. When I am faced with a problem I will not run away from it,

but rather I will welcome it. I will not live my life in fear of what the next day brings. I will be

independent because I am happy with myself and who I am as a person. I will be confident in my

ability to achieve my goals because I do not doubt how capable I am. I will know the obstacles I

face should be weathered head on, and I will foresee such obstacles. Every experience I have

gone through, and will go through, will lead me to the place I need to be. The ability to know

what I can do in this world has come from my coming of age experience, so I am very thankful.

My head used to be buzzing with overwhelming thoughts and fears, but now I realize life’s

immense beauty in the sudden silence. Now that I see the depth and beauty in life, I am going to

achieve things that I thought anxiety would always keep me from doing.