Movie End Game

Coach
Person 1
Person 2
Person 3
Person 4
Person 5
Davis
Guy

SIX PEOPLE sitting. COACH is pacing back and forth checking his
stopwatch. The Group looks as if they are in pain, shaking
their legs, crossing and uncrossing their legs. One guy, DAVIS,
seems calm.

COACH
Two-thirty five, people, two-thirty
five!

Suddenly, PERSON 1 leaps up and starts twisting around.

PERSON 1
I can’t stand it anymore! I gotta go!

COACH
You what???

PERSON 1
I gotta go, sir!!! I can’t do it any
longer!

Person 1 hurries off stage.

COACH
Did you see that? Did you see that?
Two thirty-five and Williams here
throws in the towel! That’s
disgraceful!

PERSON 2
But coach, this isn’t easy!

1
 COACH
Nobody said it was going to be easy!
Do you think we worked and trained for
11 years not to be able to finish this?
Do you?

GROUP
No, sir!

COACH
How do you people expect to sit through
a 3-hour Marvel movie with your little
baby bladders? Do you think the people
sitting in the same row as you are
going to appreciate you climbing over
them to get to the bathroom while
Thanos is stabbing somebody in the eye?

PERSON 2
Wait, Thanos stabs somebody in the eye?

PERSON 3
Spoiler alert! Spoiler alert!

COACH
That’s no spoiler, that’s a threat!
You won’t know what happens if you’re
in the potty!

PERSON 3
Does Nick Fury get stabbed in the eye?
Is that how he lost his eye?

COACH
What the hell are you talking about?
He loses his eye in the 1990s to an
alien cat! Haven’t you been paying
attention! That’s Capt. Marvel 101,
rookie!

PERSON 3
I was in the bathroom during that
scene, sir.

2
 COACH
See? That’s exactly what I’m talking
about! For these movie prices, you’re
going to see every frame of that movie!
Or die trying! Do you think I’m here
putting us through actual movie theater
conditions for fun? I’m here to get
you ready!

Person 4 jumps up and runs off.

PERSON 4
I gotta go! Clear a path, people!

COACH
If you wimps can’t sit through this
movie, how are you going to post
spoilers and memes about it on
Facebook? How are you going to debate
the minutia online? Get your heads and
your bladders in the game, people!

PERSON 2
Well, maybe we shouldn’t have bought
those 64 oz. Pepsis with our bucket of
popcorn.

COACH
What, and risk dehydration? Do you
know what salted popcorn does to your
innards? Do you?

PERSON 2
Sorry, coach.

COACH
We know damn well these movies have
been getting longer and longer. Half
of you couldn’t even make it through to
the post-credit scenes of “Spider-Man:
Homecoming.” Now look at you, all the
way to the…
(checks watch)
The two-forty mark and going strong!
We worked for months on this, drinking
and sitting, sitting and drinking,
expanding those bladders…

3
 COACH (CONT)
(walking along the line)
Work those prostrates, people! Kegal,
ladies, kegle! Drink those drinks,
gulp those Big Gulps. Slurp those
Slurpees, consume all those liquids—

(If Coach could pull out a water blaster here and shoot them,
that would be funny.)

Person 5 leaps up and dashes out.

COACH (CONT)
We are in the home stretch now, the
endgame, this is where we put up or
shut up!

PERSON 3
But coach, couldn’t we just wait until
it’s on Netflix? Then we can pause it
and run to the bathroom whenever we
want!

COACH
Is that how you want to live your life,
rookie? Waiting for Netflix? Avoid
social media for fear of hearing a
spoiler for the next 6 months? Finding
out that Ironman dies while saving
Batman from the Daleks and ruining a
movie you won’t see for months? People
are going to see this movie and then go
on with their lives, maggot, and you’ll
be curled up in your little cocoon,
afraid of the twist ending.

PERSON 2
Daleks?

PERSON 3
Wait, did you say Ironman dies?

4
 COACH
Pay attention, piss-ants! Don’t you
know what is happening here? When
Marvel announced this movie was going
to be 3 hours long with no
intermission, they were throwing down
the infinity gauntlet to us! And we
are going to rise to that challenge!
Look at Davis here, cool, calm and
collected. You don’t see Davis whining
about not being to hold it in any
longer! You don’t see Davis trying to
smuggle a pee-jar into the theater!

PERSON 2
That’s because he’s wearing an adult
diaper!

DAVIS
I am indeed. More Diet Coke over here,
por favor!

COACH
Slacker. We’re at the two-fifty-mark
people, we are entering the credit
sequence! We’re almost home people.
Coming up on three hours!

PERSON 3
Wait, did you include the 20 minutes of
coming attractions?

COACH
No, I did not!

Groans.

COACH (CONT)
And FYI, there’s a line in the ladies
room.

PERSON 3
Have a heart, coach!

GUY comes running in.

5
 GUY
I just googled it! There’s no post
credit scene!

All cheer and hurry off. Person 3 reminds.

COACH
Look at you, hanging tough. You made
it all the way. I got a special
something for you!

PERSON 3
What is it, coach?

Coach pulls out a Beer Helmet.

COACH
All loaded and ready to go to the
movies!

Person 3 dashes off now, trying to hold it in.

COACH
Peons.

Lights down. SFX: Hammer on metal is heard. Fade out.

The end