———————— Our Relationship with Our Families What does the Bible say about living the Christian life with those who live behind the same doors we do? What does God say about families, about marriage, about the husband- wife relationship, about children and how to raise them properly? Let’s look at God’s road map, the Bible, to get some guidelines for successful family relationships. In this chapter, we will seek to answer five basic questions: Where did marriage begin? What did God intend for our marriages? What went wrong? What does God expect of each marriage partner? What about raising children? Where Did Marriage Begin? To find out about the origin of marriage, we need to turn to Genesis, the first book of the Bible. Study Genesis 1:26–31 and then mark the following statements true (T) or false (F). 1. Both man and woman were created in the image of God. T F 2. There was no mention of sex before the Fall (see vv. 27–28). T F 3. Man was to be God’s ruler over everything on earth. T F 4. God was not pleased with His creation on the sixth day. T F The first statement is true. Both men and women were created in the image of God. In verse 27, the word man is used to include both male and female, describing the human race. The second statement is false, because sex was mentioned before the fall. Sex was not something dreamed up by depraved man. It was a beautiful thing, created by God, to be enjoyed by a husband and wife. Statement number three is true. God did choose man to rule over everything on earth, as can be seen in verses 28 and 29. The last statement is false. God was very pleased with His creation. God said what He had done was “very good.” Genesis 1:27 says, “So God created man in His own image; in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them.” Since God took delight in our masculinity and femininity, we need to learn to maintain these differences, recognizing that each expresses something about God the other cannot. Consider the following lists of male and female characteristics. Obviously, people differ. Not all men and women will possess all the qualities listed. But for the most part the lists reflect the basic differences between the sexes. Masculine Feminine Characteristics Characteristics Tends to be logical/less emotional Tends to be emotional More objective More subjective More realistic More idealistic Sees the whole picture Grasps details Desires admiration/respect Desires affection/appreciation Values achievement Values security The qualities complement each other perfectly. The advantage of combining them in a marriage team is obvious. What Did God Intend for Our Marriages? Read Genesis 2:15–25 carefully and answer the following questions: 1. In verse 18, what was God’s response to seeing Adam alone in the garden? For the first time in Genesis, God says something is “not good.” God saw that man was alone, and that he needed companionship. So God decided to make a “helper” for Adam. 2. What do you think the word “helper” in 2:18 means? “Helper” contains the idea of “one corresponding to.” Adam and Eve were to meet each other’s needs and cooperate in working out the plan of God. 3. Adam’s response to Eve in 2:23 was one of great excitement and joy. What do you think it would do for your marriage if you told your spouse regularly how happy he or she made you? As Adam named all the animals in pairs, it must have dawned on him that he didn’t have a mate. But when he caught his first glimpse of Eve, he knew she was the one made for him. 4. In verse 24, God gives three directions for the man who marries. List those three items. a. _______________________ b. _______________________ c. _______________________ Most of the problems faced in marriage stem from a failure to do one of the three things mentioned in verse 24. First, when a man marries, he is to leave his father and mother. “Leaving” here means forsaking one relationship for another. One relationship must be broken before another can be made. A huge marital problem is created when a couple relies more on parents than on each other. Second, a husband should be joined to his wife. The word “joined” means a couple must be united intimately in a permanent relationship. A husband and wife aren’t to compete with one another. They must work as a team toward a unified end. Third, a husband and wife are to become one flesh. Through their sexual union they come into a “oneness” in their relationship. 5. What does verse 25 tell us about the kind of relationship Adam and Eve had? In verse 25, we see the beauty of sex within marriage. Adam and Eve were naked, but they were not ashamed in each other’s presence. The biblical attitude toward sex is that it’s a wonderful gift from God, given for a husband and wife’s mutual enjoyment. What Went Wrong? In Genesis 3, sin is introduced into the garden. With sin came death. This chapter tells us in no uncertain terms where marital and family problems originated. Study Genesis 3 and answer the following questions: 1. What is the difference between God’s original command in Genesis 2:17, and what Eve tells Satan in Genesis 3:3? Eve did not repeat to Satan exactly what God had commanded in Genesis 2:17. She added the word “touch.” But it may not have been entirely her fault, because Adam was the only one present when the command was given, and he may have been negligent in passing along God’s Word. 2. How do you explain the marked contrast between the couple’s relationship before the Fall in Genesis 2:25, and afterward in Genesis 3:7, 12? After the fall, Adam and Eve were ashamed of their nakedness and accused each other. 3. How did sin in Adam and Eve’s life change their relationship to God (see Genesis 3:8)? They now knew something was wrong in their relationship with God, so much so that, when they heard His voice, they hid themselves from Him. 4. In verse 16, as a result of this incident in the garden, God instituted a chain of command that was to be followed: God, husband, wife, children. If you were to list the chain of command in your home, how would it measure up to the one above? (See also Ephesians 5:23; 6:1.) 5. Satan not only attacked home life in Adam’s day, he continues to do it today. Below, list one area in your home where Satan is winning the battle, then take time in prayer to commit that area to Christ, asking for His strength and victory in the struggle. When sin entered the picture, God spelled out the role of husband and wife. He made man the ruler, accountable to God for all that occurs in the family. God placed the woman under man’s authority. What Does God Expect of Each Marriage Partner? Before proceeding with this section, take time to study the following passages: 1 Corinthians 7:1–7; Ephesians 5:22–33; and 1 Peter 3:1–7. Now, read over the following and fill in the answers where needed. What Is the Model Given? 1. For the Husband • What comparison does Ephesians 5:23 give in explaining the husband’s role as head of the wife? • According to Ephesians 5:28, how should a man love his wife? He is to love his wife as his own body. She is not apart from him but a part of him. 2. For the Wife • Based on Ephesians 5:24, how are women to relate to their husbands? As the church submits to Christ, a woman is to submit to her husband. What Specific Responsibilities Are Given? 1. To the Husband • Ephesians 5:25 • Ephesians 5:29 • 1 Peter 3:7 • 1 Corinthians 7:3 In Ephesians 5:25, the husband is told to love his wife and to give himself for her. In Ephesians 5:29, the husband is told to nourish and to cherish his wife in the same manner as Christ does the church. Then, in 1 Peter 3:7, the husband is commanded to treat his wife with “understanding,” lifting her up and caring for her. In that same verse, the husband is told to honor his wife, because she is a fellow heir of grace. God is reminding the husband not to become spiritually proud of being the leader of the home, for his position is only temporal, and his wife is spiritually equal with him. In 1 Corinthians 7:3, the husband is instructed not to be self-centered in his sexual relationship with his wife, but to be spouse-centered. He should care for her needs and desires. The Corinthians were apparently withholding sexual relations from their mates, using sex as a prize when the husband or wife was good. God clearly indicates that there should be no depriving one another sexually, except by mutual consent. When couples do agree to abstain sexually, according to 1 Corinthians 7:5, it should only be for the purpose of fasting and prayer. Paul warns that even this time of separation should be short, lest they fall into temptation. 2. To the Wife • Ephesians 5:21–24 • 1 Peter 3:1 • Ephesians 5:33 • 1 Peter 3:2 • 1 Peter 3:4–6 • 1 Corinthians 7:3 In Ephesians 5:21–24 and 1 Peter 3:1, God calls the wife to submit to her husband. She is called to submit, not only to a believing husband, but also to an unbelieving husband. If a wife isn’t living in submission to her husband, she isn’t living in submission to the Heavenly Father either and, as a result, she is living in disobedience. In Ephesians 5:33, it is commanded that a wife respect her husband. If a wife is always criticizing her husband in front of others, instead of building him up, she isn’t demonstrating the respect that she should have for him. First Peter 3:2 says that the conduct of the godly woman should always be chaste. In verses 4–6 of the same chapter, Peter remarks that a woman should not rely on outward apparel for her charm and grace, but on the inward qualities of a gentle and quiet spirit. It’s not that she shouldn’t have any interest at all in clothes or cosmetics, or that she shouldn’t keep herself fit and womanly. Her emphasis, though, ought to be on the inward and the spiritual, not the outward and physical. The last command in this section is found in 1 Corinthians 7:3. A wife is to give to her husband sexual pleasure, again, being spouse-centered instead of self-centered. Self-Assessment The following questions may help you see strengths and weaknesses in your relationship with your spouse. On a scale of 1 to 3, rate yourself: 1 = yes, almost always; 2 = average, or sometimes; 3 = needs attention. 1. Do you and your spouse try to develop common interests, learn about each other’s occupations, and understand each other by putting yourselves mentally into the other’s situation? _______________ 2. Are you sensitive to each other’s needs, watching for signs of satisfaction, frustration, weariness, and so on, so you can react appropriately? _______________ 3. Do you listen to each other attentively and intelligently? _______________ 4. Do you try to be interesting, attractive, and desirable for the other by keeping mentally and physically fit and fresh? _______________ 5. Do you approach each other’s “sore spots” with consideration and proper timing? _______________ 6. Have you learned to accept criticism in a spirit of love and meekness, examining yourselves realistically from the viewpoint of your partner? _______________ 7. Do you discuss problems with a willingness to sacrifice, if necessary? _______________ 8. Are you blending your recreational interests so that you can share your hours of relaxation together? _______________ 9. Do you work at being calm and cool-headed and, when needed, decisive and reassuring? _______________ 10. Do you take time out for a “retreat” away from home together, when you can evaluate the past, set goals for the future, and decide on any action to be taken? _______________ Some Problem Areas Erosion in marriage and family relationships often begins or centers in four particular areas: finances, time, adultery, and the unbelieving partner. Let’s take a moment to consider what God says in His Word about each of these potential trouble spots. Finances One of the biggest areas of contention within a marriage is money. Listed below are some truths to remember. • God’s Promise In Matthew 6:31–33, God assumes the responsibility for providing the basic necessities for those who seek Him. • Your Contentment First Timothy 6:6–10 gives an excellent piece of advice concerning money. We must learn to be content, no matter what the circumstances. As Christians, our basis of contentment is who we have (Christ), not what we have. • Giving: An Investment in Eternity Look up 1 Corinthians 16:2, which lists the New Testament requisites for giving. Our offerings to God are to be: Regular—“on the first day of the week” Personal—“let each one of you” Systematic—“lay something aside” Proportionate—“as he may prosper.” Take a moment and read Philippians 4:15–19. Notice the promise Paul gives to those who contribute to the Lord’s work. The area of finances is a pressing problem for many couples. God promises to supply our needs if we are faithful. But we must, in turn, be content with whatever situation or circumstance God has placed us in. Also, many believers forget that all they have belongs to God. We are the managers, not the owners, of everything we have. As such, we should always be seeking ways to give a portion of this to the body of Christ and the furtherance of the gospel. The promise of Philippians 4:15–19 is that, as we meet the needs of the gospel ministry, Christ will in turn meet our needs. Consider these three helpful hints for managing your finances: 1. Keep accurate accounts. Inadequate record keeping is the primary cause of overspending. 2. Develop a budget—one that is a product of family prayer, planning, and periodic evaluation. 3. Remember that marriage partners are a team. It should never be a question of his or her money. Time Where do you find time to develop your relationship with your spouse and your family? The truth is, we usually make time to do what we want to do. So, if your family is a high enough priority, you’ll find the time. And while sufficient time is important, so is the quality of the time spent together. List ten practical things you can do to be certain that you always have sufficient time together. Think carefully about any changes you could make in your schedules. 1. _______________________ 2. _______________________ 3. _______________________ 4. _______________________ 5. _______________________ 6. _______________________ 7. _______________________ 8. _______________________ 9. _______________________ 10. _______________________ Adultery God is opposed to any form of immorality, including adultery. Examine the following passages and write down what they say. • 1 Corinthians 6:18–20 • 2 Timothy 2:22 • Colossians 3:5–6 • Romans 13:13–14 In Matthew 19:6, Christ says, “What God has joined together, let no man separate.” First Corinthians 7 teaches us that one of the reasons for marriage is to put an end to immorality. Don’t allow Satan to use immorality to destroy your witness for Jesus Christ and your relationship with your mate. Honor God by being completely faithful to your spouse. The Unbelieving Partner It’s a problem when one partner is a believer, and the other is not. If you are married to an unbeliever, God has some directives especially for you. Read carefully 1 Corinthians 7:12–14 and 1 Peter 3:1. In his letter to the Corinthians, Paul says that, if your unbelieving partner is willing to live with you, you should let him stay. That way there’s a better chance for that partner and the children to come to Christ—because they’re exposed to Christ through you. First Peter 3:1 explains that a wife who submits to her husband may win him to Christ through her respectful behavior. Unbelieving wives can be influenced in the same way by their Christian husbands. What About Raising Children? Once there are children in a family, their discipline can become a point of contention between husband and wife. What does God say about how we are to raise our children? Family Discipline Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it. —Proverbs 22:6 Below are two passages; one describes a failure in discipline, the other a success. Study these passages and note any reasons why they are different in outcome. • A failure—1 Samuel 3:12–14 Eli had done a creditable job as a priest, but a miserable one as a parent. He hadn’t disciplined his sons when they disobeyed. As a result, God dealt severely with the house of Eli. • A success—2 Timothy 1:5 (see also 2 Timothy 3:15–17) Timothy’s story gives us a good example of family discipline. Timothy was raised by his mother, Eunice, and grandmother, Lois. In 2 Timothy 3:15, we learn that Timothy was taught the Scriptures from childhood and was brought up in the ways of the Lord. Timothy knew what Paul meant in verse 16 when he said that Scripture is used for reproof and correction. In Ephesians 6:4, God gives us more instructions on the use of discipline in the home. Fill in the blanks below with answers from the passage. 1. Fathers are not to 2. They are to bring their children up in the a. _______________________ (a corrective measure) b. _______________________ (a preventive measure) of the Lord. In Ephesians 6:4, fathers are told not to provoke their children to anger. If children are disciplined out of a mean spirit and shown no love, then they will be provoked to anger. Ephesians 6:4 also teaches that children are to be brought up with training (discipline) and admonition (instruction). Discipline is a corrective measure used when there has been an act of disobedience. Instruction is a preventive measure used to teach the ways of the Lord and to explain the consequences of disobedience. Negatives Don’t … • compare one child with another • use scorn, ridicule, or humiliation—especially in areas of weakness • threaten withdrawal of love and affection • discipline when angry • expect perfection • be afraid to say no • be afraid to spank (Proverbs 13:24; 22:15; 23:13; 29:15) Positives Do … • teach your children that disobedience is primarily against God • show that you fully expect them to obey • help children to evaluate their disobedience • allow children to express their own viewpoints • restore fellowship after discipline (forgiveness) • remember that the goal of discipline is not outward conformity, but inward conviction • keep in mind that discipline is a long-range process Proverbs for Parents God has given us instruction about discipline—or the lack of it—in the book of Proverbs. Write the promises given by God in each of the following passages: • Proverbs 13:24 • Proverbs 22:15 • Proverbs 23:13–14 • Proverbs 29:15 • Proverbs 29:17 Overall, Proverbs teaches us that, if we truly love our children, we will discipline them. If we don’t discipline them, it could lead to their destruction. With discipline, parents bring wisdom to their children. Without it, children bring shame to their parents. The following letter, written to columnist Ann Landers, shows the importance of discipline from the child’s viewpoint. Dear Ann Landers: I am a teenager who feels cheated by my parents. Out of what, you might ask? The answer is, discipline. I know this sounds silly, but it’s true. My parents thought they were being nice to me by letting me do whatever I wanted. But they were wrong. When I went to the homes of friends and saw them being told what to do, what time to come home, and asked questions like, “Exactly where are you going and with whom?” I felt cheated, left out. I wondered why my parents didn’t care enough about me to get tough. I try to do the right thing, but it isn’t easy when I know I don’t have to answer to anybody. I have no respect for my parents, because they have no power over me. Kids respect power. Please tell parents to set up rules and insist that they are obeyed, or else. And tell them that when kids break the rules to lay it on. Parents who love their kids don’t have to worry about not being loved in return. Signed, On my own in Oregon (reprinted with permission) Perhaps the easiest way your child will learn Christian standards is by watching you. Children imitate much of what parents do. Now that you’ve studied God’s perspective on discipline, how has it changed your thoughts on the way your home should be run? Communicating Your Convictions Christian standards are caught more often than taught. Read Deuteronomy 6:5–9 and notice its application to the following four points: Obeying: You must be an example and follow the commands of the Lord yourself. Teaching: You must teach your children at all times, both informally and formally. Binding: You must adhere to God’s commandments so that your life is lived in accordance with His truth. Writing: Back in Old Testament days, God’s directives were actually written on places like the doorposts of homes to remind everyone of the need to live by them. The application in our own day is that others should be able to see clearly, by the way we live, that we are obeying God’s commands. Pitfalls to Avoid in Communicating Your Convictions • rushing the process • passive attitudes—“Let’s just trust the Lord to take care of it.” • fuzzy objectives • inconsistency • making every decision for your children Some Principles for Progress • sharpen your own personal convictions • set up clear objectives and priorities • make relationships always precede rules • allow love to permeate the process • explain your convictions to your child • live your convictions consistently • give your children responsibility Examining Your Convictions Fathers No father is perfect. Every father has areas where he can improve. The following questions are to help you think through your life as a father and to help you capitalize on your strengths and focus on areas of improvement. 1. Do you tend to be positive or negative? Do your children think of you as a “don’t do that” person or a “let’s do this” person? 2. In what way(s) do you actively teach your children scriptural principles for living? 3. Do your children respect you? Tell about a time when they might have lost respect for you. Explain why they did, and what you did to correct it. 4. In what ways do you respect the individual rights of each of your family members? 5. When you correct your children for wrongdoing, do you try to understand why they did what they did? 6. What do you do to make your children aware that, as a parent, you are responsible, before God, for teaching them proper behavior? 7. How do you communicate to your children the love and forgiveness God extends to you? Mothers These questions are designed to make you think about your performance as a mother. Consider each one and try to find areas that need attention. 1. Are you nice to come home to? Or, when you are away, does the family look forward with anticipation to your return? Think of three reasons why this is so, or should be so. 2. You undoubtedly want to know about the current worries and joys of each family member. How can you do this and at the same time show you are caring, not prying? 3. How can you support the emotional needs of each family member? 4. Although the father is the spiritual head of the home, what contributions can you make to the spiritual health of your home? 5. How do you handle discipline problems when your husband is away? 6. The Bible makes reference to a “gentle and quiet spirit” (1 Peter 3:1) as desirable attributes of a mother and wife. How do you foster a gentle and quiet atmosphere in your home? 7. How are you preparing yourself and your children for the time when they must leave home and face the realities of young adult life? Pre-Adults God also addresses those in the family who are not the parents. We call them pre-adults. If you fit into this category, see how you measure up to God’s standard as described below. 1. Passages to Ponder Write the main thought of each passage in the space provided. a. Exodus 20:12 b. Proverbs 1:8 c. Ephesians 6:1–3 2. Principles to Ponder • Parents are priceless. You would never have made it this far without them. They deserve your honor. • Parents are chosen—by God. Remember, He never makes a mistake! • Parents are human. Humans are not perfect; they make mistakes. • Parents are to be obeyed. You may not always agree with them, but God does expect you to obey them. 3. Questions to Answer a. Have you ever thanked God for parents? b. Have you ever thanked God for your parents? c. What specifically have you done to show your parents you appreciate them? d. What is your attitude when you disagree with your parents’ decisions? e. When you have disobeyed, have you called it what God calls it—sin? f. Have you ever made the decision to obey God by consistently obeying your parents? Family Worship One practical way to communicate our convictions is through times of family Worship, when we pray and honor God together. Many Christian homes don’t have family worship—or when they do, it’s more of a bore than a blessing. Write below the reasons why you don’t have family worship or why your family worship is less than meaningful. Three of the most frequent excuses used for not having family worship times are: “I don’t have the time,” “It’s not convenient,” and “We don’t know how.” Should any of these apply in your home, perhaps the following creative ideas might improve your family worship time this week. Some Basic Principles for Meaningful Family Worship • Keep the atmosphere informal. • Make the time practical and applicable. • Allow all members to participate. • Use variety in the worship time. • Set aside a fixed time; make it a habit. • Keep it short. • Make family worship child-centered—a time when children are to be seen and heard. Some Methods for Changing the Pace • storytelling • music • puppets • handicrafts • memorization • Bible games and quizzes • devotional books • family skits • starting a notebook on prayer requests to record how God answers your prayers • creating a different theme and prayer subject for each day or week Try planning a week of family worship. Include what you will do each day. • Sunday: ________________________________________ • Monday: _______________________________________ • Tuesday: _______________________________________ • Wednesday: ____________________________________ • Thursday: _____________________________________ • Friday: _________________________________________ • Saturday: _______________________________________ Family Hospitality So far, we’ve looked at family members and their relationships with one another. Now let’s consider the family’s relationship with those outside their walls. Hospitality is a distinctive mark of a Christian home. It’s important that your home be a positive witness for Christ to the community around you. Examine the following texts of Scripture and write what each says about hospitality. 1. Genesis 18:1–8 2. Genesis 24:17–20 3. Luke 14:12–14 4. Romans 12:13 5. 3 John 5–8 These passages from Scripture highlight the great hospitality of Abraham, Rebekah, and Gaius, and they show the standards of hospitality set by Jesus and Paul. One of the greatest impacts you can have for Jesus Christ is being known for your kindness and hospitality. List some ways you can use hospitality in your home as an effective way of communicating Christ. • as a ministry to unbelievers: • as a ministry to believers: If you are single, the previous sections may not have seemed very relevant. But they set forth God’s directives if you ever do decide to marry. Paul does talk about being single, as opposed to being married, in 1 Corinthians 7 where he explains that God gives each person different gifts. Review and Remember Before you move on to the next chapter, review and remember what you’ve just learned about marriage and family relationships. 1. Where did marriage begin? We discovered that God instituted marriage in the Garden of Eden. 2. Why did God start it all? The Bible tells us that God saw that it was not good for man to be alone. He needed companionship. 3. When did it go wrong? We discovered that when sin entered the picture, it was the beginning of family problems. 4. What does God expect of each marriage partner? The Bible gives us several specifics. Review the roles and responsibilities you wrote down above. 5. What about raising children? Through proper instruction, discipline, communication, and family worship, children can be taught to love and obey. Memorize the following verse and make it central in your thinking. Decide for yourself which of the options listed by Joshua you want to choose for your home and your family. And if it seems evil to you to serve the Lord, choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve, whether the gods which your fathers served that were on the other side of the River, or the gods of the Amorites, in whose land you dwell. But as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord. —Joshua 24:15 Joshua was describing the world around him—a world that was serving gods of pleasure. Instead of following the example of others, he set the example for others to follow. His commitment was, “But as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord.” 1
1 EvanTell and R. Larry Moyer, Growing in the Family: 8 Vital Relationships for the Growing Christian (Grand Rapids, MI: Kregel Publications, 2000), 85.
Pathway to Marital Success: A Prevention and Cure for Broken Homes, Marital Failures, Problematic Marriages & Wisdom Buttons for Right Marital Choice and Bliss.