th
Sunday June 16 2019
The Valley Gazette
Q uote of the Day “Sometimes the smallest step in the right direction ends up being
the biggest step of your life. Tip toe if you must, but take the step.”
HOMER SIMPSON VOLUNTEERS
FOR 76TH ANNUAL HUNGER GAMES donut shop?” The District 9 girl says, “No you
By: Destini Davenport, Reporter
Homer Simpson volunteering for Tribute to save his
daughters life.
“Everyone welcome, to the annual 76th
Hunger games!” announced Mayor Quimby.
“We will now select a member from each
district to be represented in the games. From
District 1, Lisa Simpson.” Marge, with her
raspy voice, says to Homer, “That’s your
daughter she can’t volunteer.” Homer says, “
D’Oh, right I volunteer as tribute!” as he
belches. Mayor Quimby, “Oh great! Now
introducing the person from District 1, Homer
Simpson!” Homer makes his way up to the
stage and whispers to the Mayor, “Will there
be donuts provided in the games”? The Mayor
laughs and says, “If you think you will be
provided with stuff you got another thing
coming”. The Mayor continues to say the of
members selected from the other districts and
concluded to say “Take a look around, these
are your members for the 76th Hunger
games.”
Two days later, The Hunger Games began. The
games lasted for 18 days. The first day, Homer
was off to an awful start. Before they
announced the challenge, he was already fast
asleep, until, a girl, fourteen years old, from
District 9 wakes him up. Homer says, “Where
am I? Am I in Springfield going to Lard Lad
loser you are in The Hunger Games and you
have to work hard in order to complete this
games.” Homer then says, “ D’Oh work, I
thought this was a game.” Just like that a big,
bright light flashes through the sky and people
from District 3 and 4 has died. While
continuing to look for Lard Lad Doughnuts, he
met Katniss Everdeen and Peeta, the winners
of the 75th Hunger games, hiding in a cave.
They showed Homer some tricks, rules and
how to survive the games. Their knowledge
helped Homer defeated everyone in The
Hunger Games including Katniss and Petta
themselves. Cannons were fired, and Homer
Simpson was announced the Winner of the
76th Annual Hunger Games.
For Homers prize, he received an income of
100 doughnuts a month from Lard Lad
Doughnuts in Springfield’s District 1 for life.
Peace to all contestants that were sacrificed
for the 76th Annual Hunger Games;
District 2 – SpongeBob
District 3 – Peter Griffin
District 4 – Hey Arnold
District 5 – Bugs Bunny
District 6 – Wilma Flintstone
Please check out my social media accounts,
and private message for inquires! I love to
design custom pieces. @KKraftsDesign
 Local News
Self-taught barber from Los Angeles,
California, Leno Lares, trying to make a
better life for his wife and three sons, moved
from Santa Monica, CA, to Las Vegas, NV,
and opens his own shop, located on S. Torrey
Pines and Charleston Blvd. Open Monday
through Saturday, 9am to 6pm, walk in and
see what’s up!
Las Vegas Headliner Charged with
Robbery
By: Samantha Almazan, Celebrity Gossip News
Las Vegas headliner Calvin Harris has been
charged with robbery. It has been reported
Mr. Harris has been associating with the
mafia in Clark County for some time now and
found himself in debt. Mr. Harris is best
known for his 2014 single “Summer” and
was soon to come out with a new album
featuring Billy Idol. Apparently, the singer
songwriter had robbed the MGM cage
cashier. Authorities disclosed that the thirty-
five-year-old was flirting with the cashier
and somehow convinced her to enter the
cage room. Mr. Harris not knowing the
history of Las Vegas had no idea that robbing
the MGM meant he was robbing the mafia.
According to LVPD the attorney for the mafia
is denying any connection with the Las Vegas
headliner. There has been speculation of
funding from the mafia for the artist, but
nothing has been confirmed. Fans are
confused and shocked that the
multimillionaire singer/song writer had ties
to the mafia. Las Vegas citizens want to know
why the artist was in debt and fear that this
is connected to his missing manager.
21 Savage Escaped ICE Custody???
By: Amanda Brooks, County Reporter
Just-In, BREAKING news! British rapper
Shéyaa Bin Abraham-Joseph, AKA “21
Savage” has allegedly escaped from ICE
Custody after being arrested for overstaying
his Visa in the states, he was arrested in
Downtown Las Vegas, on Fremont Street and
was being held at an off-site location while
investigators decided what to do with him.
An agent that wishes to remain anonymous
that had been guarding him reported that
this weird gas entered the chamber through
the vents, it was lime green and smelled like
an atomic fart. That’s all he remembers; the
rest is a blackout. When he and his five team
members awoke, 21 Savage was gone,
leaving nothing behind but a rare Szechuan
sauce packet and a gaping, melted hole in the
wall of his cell, leading all the way out of the
building! We have also received reports from
all over the Las Vegas valley of a flying
spaceship belonging to the FBI’s top ten most
wanted scientist criminal; Rick Sanchez.
Later this afternoon, the infamous rapper
released a new track on his SoundCloud
titled, “Savage Gets Schwifty.” The FBI is
working hard to track where this song was
uploaded, but every time they get close their
computer system shuts down and lets out a
loud burp. No one has seen Mr. Sanchez or
21 Savage since this morning, before he
escaped. We will update the public on
anything new that comes of this story, as
soon as it unfolds. If you see anything out of
the ordinary, contact us local authorities.
Rampage of Destruction
By: Brandon Flaherty Major Reporter
Famous 90's actor Bojack Horseman and
scientist Rick Sanchez were finally brought
into custody after a three-day long rampage
of destruction throughout the greater Las
Vegas metro area. What seemingly began as
a relatively quiet party at Horseman's estate
in Henderson, Nevada turned into a series of
events that lead to both Horseman and
Sanchez nearly destroying half of Clark
County, Nevada. Sanchez (a renowned
scientist the world over) utilized a "portal
gun" to bring inter dimensional beings whose
sole purpose is to accomplish menial tasks.
These beings (known as "Meseeks") found
themselves unable to perform a task that
Horseman deemed "integral" to the
reinvention of himself as an actor. As more
and more tasks were piled on top of each
other in finishing the first said task (making
Horseman "famous again"), more and more
"Meseeks" were brought through the inter
dimensional portal created by Sanchez, thus
resulting in multiple inter dimensional tears.
These tears allowed for all sorts of
otherworldly creatures to come to Earth and
wreak havoc across Las Vegas for the better
part of three days until a news helicopter
caught both Horseman and Sanchez at the
top of Caesar’s Palace in their attempt to
eradicate the creatures. This footage resulted
in Horseman once again being in the
spotlight and becoming famous yet again,
which in turn led to the closing of all portals
and the disappearance of the "Meseeks" and
creatures that entered through. When
brought in for questioning, both Horseman
and Sanchez disappeared through yet
another portal. The only evidence left in the
interrogation room was an empty liquor
bottle.
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Celebrity
News
"Friends" Cast to Re-Unite, Citing
Lack of Career Opportunities
Danielle Flanigan- Beat Reporter
A long awaited and often delayed reunion of
the cast of the hit sitcom "Friends" is finally
green lit for production. Fans couldn't get
enough of the hit show in the 90's/early
2000's, and always have clamored for a
reunion of the cast.
Numerous other projects and financial
limitations have always stood in the way.
The asking price from the original cast was
way too high, as they were making over $1
million per episode by the end of the show's
extremely successful run.
Fast forward to the present day, and the star
power of most of the cast members has faded
out, and from all accounts, so have their
bank accounts. Other than Jennifer Aniston,
the remainder of the cast have not found
many recent lucrative acting opportunities.
Matthew Perry has continued to have
addiction issues, Matt Leblanc's good looks
have faded, Lisa Kudrow hasn't seen much
work since "The Comeback," and Courtney
Cox's best days ended after divorcing David
Arquette. Poor management of their money
has led to a need for an easy cash windfall,
and nothing spells money than nostalgia.
While we wonder just how good a reunion
episode would be from a writing standpoint,
we certainly can't blame them for going for
the quick and easy score.
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The Valley Gazette
Rapper Post Malone to Release
Fragrance Line “Better Now” By:
Mike Taack Celebrity Gossip Writer
NEW YORK, NY - Seeking to capitalize on
rumors of his unsavory smell--and perhaps
to counter that narrative--the successful
young rapper, songwriter, and recording
artist known as Post Malone is branching
into a new business venture in to the field of
fragrance. Ever the enigmatic public figure,
Malone was cagey when asked about what
motivated his decision
to get into the crowded
field of designer cologne:
“I might wear a suit one
day; I might wear thrift
shop pants the next
day.” According to his
manager, Dre London,
what the artist means is
that he can shift styles
and interests fluidly,
thanks to his creativity and passion. “Look,
what Post told me is that he really just wants
to capture the essence of what it is to be a
young, successful rapper at a time when
music is a very competitive field,” London
said. “So he created a scent that he feels
represents the olfactory equivalent of hard
work and success.” Some industry insiders
who have gotten a sneak-sniff of the scent in
question say that the odor misses the mark.
“Personally, I think that ‘Better Now’ smells
like stale Hot Cheetos, foot sweat, and weed”
Remarked one worker at Agilex Fragrances,
the cologne’s manufacturer. “Then again, I’m
probably not part of the target audience to
begin with.” You can find out for yourself
whether the scent really is better now when
it debuts for limited release at Target and
selected Lee’s Discount Liquors stores in Las
Vegas this fall. The scent is expected to be
priced for retail at $110.
Learn more about the largest and most ethnically
diverse college in Nevada.
……....https://www.csn.edu/
The Feud Continues
By: Salem Warnemunde, Drama Drama
It all began when Kim Kardashian (West)
was out on the prowl for new love after
divorce from rapper/fashion designer Kanye
West. At an exclusive party in Hollywood
there was the Saved by The Bell cast for a
reunion. Sources say, “the minute Kim
Kardashian (West) spotted Mario Lopez it
was love at first sight for both TV celebrity
and longtime actor Mario. A source says “the
two locked eyes and the you could see the
sparks fly.” Unexpectedly the vertically
challenged, egotistical, and way over paid
fashion designer Kayne West dropped in. He
was surrounded with his bodyguards and
went over to Kim Kardashian (West) and
interrupted Mario during their conversation.
The cast of Saved by The Bell was close by
keeping an eye out
for Mario when all
of a sudden, tiny
little Kanye took a
swing at Mario,
Mario “pulled back
Matrix style”
witness stated, and
escaped a jab to his
ever so handsome
face. Then, the
Saved by The Bell
crew rallied around
their friend and a full-blown fight broke out
between Kanye’s body guards at the cast.
Witness say, “Dustin Diamond was on a
bodyguard’s back while Tiffani Thiessen and
Dennis Haskins was pulling another
bodyguard’s hair while Mark-Paul Gosselaar
was fending off Kayne. All the while, Kim
Kardashian (West) and Mario Lopez made
out in her limo.