When I held that gun in my hand, I

felt a surge of power…like God must

feel wh
en he's holding a gun.
Here's to alcohol, the cause of — and solution to — all life's
problems. Duffman can't breathe! OH NO! Attempted murder?
Now honestly, what is that? Do they give a Nobel Prize for
attempted chemistry?
Save me, Jeebus. Oh, everything looks bad if you remember it. Your questions
have become more redundant and annoying than the last three "Highlander"
movies. Ahoy hoy? Kids, we need to talk for a moment about Krusty Brand
Chew Goo Gum Like Substance. We all knew it contained spider eggs, but
the hantavirus? That came out of left field.

A woman is a lot like a refrigerator. Six feet tall,

300 pounds…it makes ice.
Attempted murder? Now honestly, what is that? Do they give a Nobel Prize for
attempted chemistry? Your questions have become more redundant and
annoying than the last three "Highlander" movies. Aaah! Natural light! Get it off
me! Get it off me!

1. I'm normally not a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me,
Superman.

2. Well, he's kind of had it in for me ever since I accidentally ran over his
dog. Actually, replace "accidentally" with "repeatedly" and replace "dog"
with "son."

3. They only come out in the night. Or in this case, the day.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is,
never try.

Your guilty consciences may make you vote Democratic

, but secretly you all yearn for a Republican president to lower taxes, brutalize
criminals, and rule you like a king! And here I am using my own lungs like a
sucker.

 Brace yourselves gentlemen. According to the gas chromatograph, the

secret ingredient is… Love!? Who's been screwing with this thing?
  Beer. Now there's a temporary solution.

 And now, in the spirit of the season: start shopping. And for every dollar
of Krusty merchandise you buy, I will be nice to a sick kid. For legal
purposes, sick kids may include hookers with a cold.
I didn't think it was physically possible, but this both sucks *and* blows. I'll be
back. You can't keep the Democrats out of the White House forever, and when
they get in, I'm back on the streets, with all my criminal buddies.
Kids, kids. I'm not going to die. That only happens to bad people. Yes! I am a
citizen! Now which way to the welfare office? I'm kidding, I'm kidding. I work, I
work. Marge, you being a cop makes you the man! Which makes me the
woman — and I have no interest in that, besides occasionally wearing the
underwear, which as we discussed, is strictly a comfort thing.
How could you?! Haven't you learned anything from that guy who gives those
sermons at church? Captain Whatshisname? We live in a society of laws! Why
do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well, I
didn't hear anybody laughing, did you? Except at that guy who made sound
effects. Makes sound effects and laughs. Where was I? Oh yeah! Stay out of
my booze. Donuts. Is there anything they can't do?
Attempted murder? Now honestly, what is that? Do they give a Nobel Prize for
attempted chemistry? I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I
love, and I won't be back for ten minutes! A woman is a lot like a refrigerator.
Six feet tall, 300 pounds…it makes ice.
Lisa, vampires are make-believe, like elves, gremlins, and Eskimos. Well, he's
kind of had it in for me ever since I accidentally ran over his dog. Actually,
replace "accidentally" with "repeatedly" and replace "dog" with "son."
Kids, kids. I'm not going to die. That only happens to bad people. I'm allergic to
bee stings. They cause me to, uh, die. Homer no function beer well without.
Last night's "Itchy and Scratchy Show" was, without a doubt, the worst episode
*ever.* Rest assured, I was on the Internet within minutes, registering my
disgust throughout the world.
Uh, no, they're saying "Boo-urns, Boo-urns." Your questions have become more
redundant and annoying than the last three "Highlander" movies. "Thank the
Lord"? That sounded like a prayer. A prayer in a public school. God has no
place within these walls, just like facts don't have a place within an organized
religion.
Mrs. Krabappel and Principal Skinner were in the closet making babies and I
saw one of the babies and then the baby looked at me. I hope I didn't brain my
damage. Homer no function beer well without. I hope I didn't brain my damage.
Books are useless! I only ever read one book, "To Kill A Mockingbird," and it
gave me absolutely no insight on how to kill mockingbirds! Sure it taught me not
to judge a man by the color of his skin…but what good does *that* do me? Fire
can be our friend; whether it's toasting marshmallows or raining down on
Charlie.
Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen. Marge, you being a cop
makes you the man! Which makes me the woman — and I have no interest in
that, besides occasionally wearing the underwear, which as we discussed, is
strictly a comfort thing.
I hope this has taught you kids a lesson: kids never learn. Kids, you tried your
best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try. Donuts. Is there
anything they can't do? I like my beer cold, my TV loud and my homosexuals
flaming.