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One of the best actions I took during that depression was reaching out to
my support network. It’s the >rst time I’ve done so, and it made a
tremendous di?erence.
I know I’m lucky. Most people have no idea how to respond to someone
who is in a depression. I know this because I talk to people all the time
who have a loved one or a friend with a mental illness who feel helpless.
“I wish I had the words to help [my friend] feel better.” “She ignores all
my texts. There’s no point in sending them.” “We set up times to hang
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out, and he Iakes. What’s the point of even trying?” “I give [loved one]
advice, like going to take a walk, but they just don’t listen. What am I
supposed to do if they don’t want to feel better?”
From the outside, a depressed person looks lazy. Slothful. Their groom-
ing is non-existent, and they hide from everyone. They become irrespon-
sible, unmotivated, irritable, and generally frustrating people.
Here’s a little-known secret: Depressed people know this. It’s one reason
they Iake on hanging out with you. They don’t want to bring you or the
group down, and they especially don’t want to be a burden.
Here’s the reality: Depressed people really do want to feel better, but
most times your simple (and solid) advice feels overwhelming from a
practical perspective. How am I supposed to go to the gym when my
brain actively >ghts me on just getting out of bed?
This is why I’ve never reached out to my support network before. I didn’t
want to deal with the stigma of being the Debbie Downer of the group or
deal with the judgment of being lazy and irresponsible.
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“Thinking of you” and “praying for you” messages are easy to send and
transmit love and acceptance. One girlfriend sent me a message every
three days. I don’t know if she calendared it or what, but her little notes
of support were entirely welcome.
Even better, she sent them even though I only responded to one of them.
When we are in a depression, our inner critic goes into overdrive. Even
after years of therapy and hard work learning to combat that inner voice,
depression still grants it a megaphone. This message reminded me that
my brain lies to me and that I am not the awful failure it wants me to be-
lieve I am.
By not demanding anything more from me than opening the door, she
set me up positively for social time. I felt no pressure to do my hair, put
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The only reason I went to church on Sunday was that a friend texted that
there was a hug waiting for me. I didn’t wear makeup, and my clothes
were wrinkled. Usually, that would mean I wouldn’t leave the house. But
I had a friend at church expecting me so she could give me a hug and I
couldn’t let her down.
CAUTION: This one may not work for everyone. One of my primary love
languages is touch, so hugs go a long way toward helping me feel good. Oth-
ers have strong negative associations with physical touch, so it may not be a
good approach for them. For these people, I might try a di=erent approach,
such as “I have [favorite food] waiting for you” or something else that
demonstrates you know the person well.
Some depressions have a cause, such as >nancial stress, job loss, or grief.
For some of us, depressions are just a part of life. When depression is
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coded into our DNA, asking us what “caused” the depression only wors-
ens it. We feel additional guilt and shame over not having a good reason
for feeling terrible.
Faith and prayer are absolutely part of the recovery process, but depres-
sion requires a multi-pronged approach. Calling it a spiritual issue sug-
gests that I’m a bad Christian at a moment when I’m particularly
vulnerable.
While God works miracles, they are often through everyday means. My
miracle has taken daily medication, therapy, journaling, support groups,
and yes — my church, my Bible, and prayer.
This is true of many psychiatric medications; they work over time and a
single dose doesn’t make-or-break our mental state.
That being said, if you have a legitimate concern that I (or any loved
one) has stopped taking their meds, this is an area where tone matters. If
you can’t ask this question from a heart of love and concern, don’t ask.
. . .
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To those reading who have loved ones with depression: Small actions
have big impacts. The key is to avoid judgment. Accept where they are
and what they tell you at face value.
And, to those who live with depression as part of their diagnosis: If this
list is helpful to you, please share it with those around you. Add to it or
change it to match what you need during a depression. Not everyone will
step up and follow it, and that’s OK. Some will. And if you still can’t >nd
anyone, join my Facebook group. We will support you.
. . .
Hi there! I’m Teresa Colón, and I live with bipolar disorder. I write out of
my experiences with the disorder and what I’ve learned as I’ve walked
my road to mental health. I’m also the author behind Seeing Ourselves
Through God’s Eyes, a Christian mental health devotional. Find more at
Wounded Birds Ministry.
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