Review Rough Draft

by kaitlyn holcomb

Submission date: 18-Jul-2019 08:43PM (UTC-0500)

Submission ID: 1153078777
File name: 109688_81413814_1081767978_Review_Rough_Draft.docx (14.12K)
Word count: 867
Character count: 4693
 1

Del.
2

3
4

5
WW

vrg

6 7

8
9
11 10

"You"

12
13

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WW
C/S

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Work Cited Page and Entries

Review Rough Draft
ORIGINALITY REPORT

7 %
SIMILARITY INDEX
3%
INTERNET SOURCES
0%
PUBLICATIONS
6%
STUDENT PAPERS

PRIMARY SOURCES

1
Submitted to Kettering College of Medical Arts
Student Paper 2%
2
Submitted to Poway Unified School District
Student Paper 1%
3
Submitted to Oakland Community College
Student Paper 1%
4
Submitted to Alvin Community College
Student Paper 1%
5
collegegrad.com
Internet Source 1%

Exclude quotes Off Exclude matches Off

Exclude bibliography Off
Review Rough Draft
GRADEMARK REPORT

FINAL GRADE GENERAL COMMENTS

Instructor

100
Kaitlyn,

You have a good start here, but there is a lot of

potential to produce a stronger final draft as well.

Please read my comments closely and let me know if

you have any questions.

/100
PAGE 1

Comment 1
Here your essay has created a conversational tone that is not appropriate in an academic essay.
There is not need to use 1st person here, and the second sentence should not begin with "Well"

QM Del.
Delete

Comment 2
Replace with "They"

Comment 3
Since this is one of the criteria that you mention in your thesis, it should be discussed in its own body
paragraph and removed from the introduction.

Comment 4
Focus on the career rather than a person. Eliminate wordiness and conversation tone. Create
parallel structure between similar ideas:

"Respiratory therapists must be detail oriented, patient, good listeners, and problem solvers."

Comment 5
I am not sure what you mean here.

QM WW
You have used the incorrect word to convey your meaning.
Additional Comment "therapist"
 QM vrg
Avoid very, really, and great
Additional Comment upgrade diction for academic writing.

Comment 6
Revise sentence: "Respiratory therapists are in high demand with a job outlook that forecasts a 23%
increase within the next ten years, which is an above average increase."

Comment 7
citation needed

Comment 8
This paragraph is missing a topic sentence that addresses the criteria that will be explored. Here you
have jumped right in to providing the evidence.

Comment 9
is this a title?

PAGE 2

Comment 10
?

Comment 11
needs citation

QM "You"
2nd person isn't appropriate for academic writing. Do not directly address your audience.

Comment 12
Good topic sentence

Comment 13
Revise sentence for conciseness.

Comment 14
Needs citation

Comment 15
This paragraph is missing a topic sentence that identified the criteria it addresses.

Comment 16
This is outdated terminology. Most former "junior colleges" Like "Alvin Junior College" they have
mostly changed there name to "community college."
 Comment 17
needs citation

Comment 18
All of your paraphrases should be introduced just as you have done here.

QM WW
You have used the incorrect word to convey your meaning.

PAGE 3

QM C/S
Comma splice:
A sentence must have both a subject and a main verb in order to be complete, but it cannot have
more than one subject or main verb. A comma splice is a variety of run-on sentence that occurs
when two complete sentences, each with its own subject and verb, are joined mistakenly by a
comma. There are generally three methods of correcting this problem: 1) Replace the comma with a
stronger mark of punctuation such as a period or semicolon, 2) use a coordinating conjunction
("and," "but," "or," "nor") to join the two constructions, or 3) make one of the two sentences a
dependent construction by linking it to the other with a subordinating conjunction ("if," "when," "so
that," "although," "because") or relative pronoun ("that," "which," "who," "whom," "whose").

Comment 19
Most of this seems off topic. Stick to reviewing the career, not choice of education.

PAGE 4

Comment 20
delete

QM Work Cited Page and Entries

See page 590 and pgs 562-64