Young People Ask . . .

What’s Wrong With Talking to Each Other?

‘WE’RE not dating, we’re just talking.’ That is how 17-year-old Denny describes his
relationship with Tina. They met at a convention of Jehovah’s Witnesses, and since then they
have regularly had long conversations on the telephone. Denny admits they are too young to
pursue a serious courtship. But he sees nothing wrong in their simply talking to each other.
Many youths who are not allowed by their parents to go out on formal dates are allowed
to nurture friendships with the opposite sex by frequent conversations and phone calls.
Innocent fun? Perhaps. But some parents are alarmed. “There seems to be quite a problem
here with very young teenagers ‘going’ with other young teenagers,” writes one concerned
parent. “They are not dating, but they do consider each other boyfriend and girlfriend.”
Other youths cultivate boy-girl relationships by writing. These letters may be nothing more
than innocent expressions of friendship. Oftentimes, though, they become increasingly
romantic in tone. Romantic involvement may also result when youths get involved with
writing individuals who are known to set poor examples as Christians. It may be claimed that
the correspondence began as a sincere attempt to encourage such ones.
Talking or Dating?
The Bible does not condemn talking or writing to members of the opposite sex. Christians
are supposed to “have love for the whole association of brothers,” and that includes peers of
both sexes. (1 Peter 2:17) The Bible further tells young men to treat “younger women as
sisters with all chasteness.” (1 Timothy 5:2) When this principle is applied, young men and
women can enjoy clean, wholesome relationships—yes, friendships!
Christian youths normally enjoy such friendships in group settings, however. So when two
youths single each other out for special attention, the relationship begins to take on the
appearance of a romance, a courtship. Is this necessarily the same as dating? Most youths
would probably say no. However, teenagers are not always sure exactly what adults mean
by dating.
When one group of youths were asked to define dating, more than half said it meant ‘to
go out with a person of the opposite sex.’ Some defined it as meaning ‘to get to know
someone better.’ An informal survey among a group of Christian youths yielded similar
results. One 13-year-old boy said: “A date is when you take a girl out to the movies and stay
out late and then walk her home.”
A dictionary defines the English word “date” as “a social engagement between two
persons of opposite sex.” Could this not include having regular conversations with someone?
And what about such conversations, or social engagements, over the telephone? A young
man named Ivan says: “It is a form of dating, especially if you have a prearranged day and
time to call this person and the conversation revolves around personal matters.”
The book The Family Handbook of Adolescence notes: “Boy-girl contact . . . is often
conducted via notes, letters, and the telephone. Each of these types of communication is
valued [among youths] because it allows intimacy at a distance.” Even so, as with any form
of dating, serious involvement may develop. Consider a young man named Jack. When he
became interested in a young woman as a potential marriage mate, he spent a lot of time
talking with her on the telephone. “Getting to know a person over the phone can be done,”
says Jack. “You can communicate thoughts and even feelings over the phone.” Jack and his
girlfriend got married. Because of distance, many couples have carried on the bulk of their
dating by phone calls and letters!
The issue, then, isn’t whether you say a couple is simply talking, seeing each other, or
dating, but what kind of relationship they are cultivating. And when a boy and a girl have
singled each other out, this can at least give the appearance of a budding romance. And
often it is more than mere appearance. As teenage writer Jane Rinzler explains in her book
Teens Speak Out: “If people like each other . . . they will start seeing each other. Chances
are it will start by their talking on the phone maybe once, maybe a few times.”
The Dangers of Early Dating
Now it may be all right for two people to start a romantic relationship as long as they are
in a position to pursue marriage. But few teenage couples think in the terms of getting
married. According to the book Adolescent Development, by Barbara and Philip Newman,
teen dating often serves as a mere “form of recreation,” a way to ‘achieve status’ among
other youths, and a way to “learn about the opposite sex.”
But as far as Christians are concerned, marriage is sacred, honorable. (Hebrews 13:4)
Courtship in any form is therefore serious business—not a form of play. And when one is too
young to marry, a close relationship with a member of the opposite sex can all too easily end
in bitterness and grief. The Bible puts it this way: “Can a man rake together fire into his
bosom and yet his very garments not be burned?”—Proverbs 6:27.
When Maria was 13 years old, she began experimenting with telephone dates. It was fun
for a while. But since she was not old enough to get married, such dating just left her
disappointed and frustrated. “Expectation postponed is making the heart sick,” says Proverbs
13:12. She also had to deal with the stress of keeping her dating secret from her parents.
“Every time the phone rang, I worried that someone else would pick it up—especially my
mother. It was embarrassing when she’d ask, ‘Who is this?’ and would hang up because
there was no response.”
Even letter writing has its risks. Charlene, for example, developed strong feelings toward
an unbeliever. She confesses: “I began writing him, and we have become more than just
friends. He’s an alcoholic, but I’m trying my best to help him. Do you think there is any hope
of getting him to slow down his drinking?” Charlene’s attempts to play counselor to an
alcoholic are ill-advised and unlikely to succeed, however. She could easily end up in a
disastrous marriage.—2 Corinthians 6:14.
Guard Yourself With Thinking Ability
Good advice is given at Proverbs 2:10, 11: “When wisdom enters into your heart and
knowledge itself becomes pleasant to your very soul, thinking ability itself will keep guard
over you, discernment itself will safeguard you.” Young people often allow their emotions to
guide their decisions. But by using thinking ability and discernment, you can do much to
“remove vexation from your heart, and ward off calamity from your flesh.”—Ecclesiastes
11:10.
Discernment helps you appreciate that you are in “the bloom of youth,” a time when
sexual feelings and romantic emotions are strong. (1 Corinthians 7:36) Close association
with a member of the opposite sex—be it in person, by telephone, or even by letter—tends to
fan the flames of passion. Why then single someone out for special attention? True, you may
want to learn how to deal with the opposite sex. But you can usually do so by enjoying the
association of the opposite sex in group settings. Even then, avoid limiting yourself to a small
circle of friends. “Widen out” in your association. (2 Corinthians 6:13) Doing so will minimize
the likelihood of developing a romantic involvement.
Does this mean that you can never talk on the phone with or write to a member of the
opposite sex? No. The danger lies in developing an emotional attachment to one person. But
take care that you do not hurt someone or get hurt yourself. And if in spite of the best
intentions, romantic feelings begin to develop, you may need to back off from the friendship.
It may also help to talk matters over with a trusted adult, such as one of your parents.
(Proverbs 23:26) At first you may feel hesitant or embarrassed about disclosing your
feelings. But your parents may understand your feelings better than you think.
It may be years before you are ready to cultivate a romantic interest in a member of the
opposite sex. In the meantime, by showing caution and an unselfish interest in others, you
can enjoy balanced relationships with the opposite sex.
[Footnotes]
Some of the names have been changed.
See chapter 30 of Questions Young People Ask—Answers That Work, published by the
Watchtower Bible and Tract Society of New York, Inc.

Could a telephone conversation be considered a date?

Young People Ask . . .

What if He Doesn’t Return My Love?

“I’m worried and troubled. I’ve fallen in love with him. But I don’t know his
feelings toward me. What shall I do? Let him know how I feel? No, no, I can’t do
it! What would others say about me?”—Huda.

HUDA, a young Lebanese woman, was in love with someone who did not return her love.
It is not an uncommon problem. Another young woman, named Zeina, had a similar
experience. She recalls: “I used to see him every day because he was our neighbor. He was
very attractive and handsome. So I fell in love with him.”
Of course, there’s nothing wrong with having strong feelings for someone—assuming that
the person is someone a Christian could appropriately marry. (Proverbs 5:15; 1 Corinthians
7:39) Nor is it wrong for a young woman to want to get married and have a family. But what if
you fall in love with an eligible person who is unaware of—or doesn’t return—your feelings?
The Pain of Being Lovesick
Like Huda, you may feel you are in the midst of an emotional hurricane. Exhilarating
emotional highs may be quickly followed by paralyzing lows. “Sometimes I felt like the
happiest girl in the universe, and sometimes I felt like the saddest one,” said Zeina.
Unrequited love can be the source of anxiety, sleepless nights, and even depression.
Says the Bible at Proverbs 13:12: “Expectation postponed is making the heart sick.” And
when expectations do not materialize at all, it can be devastating! You may find yourself
thinking about this person all the time, eager to hear any scrap of news about him. You may
concoct ways to attract his attention or flimsy excuses to be with him. And when you are
around him, you may find it difficult to behave normally.
Things can get particularly confusing when the object of your affections occasionally
singles you out for attention and then at other times acts as though he has no interest in you
whatsoever. And if you observe him lavishing attention on someone else or displaying simple
kindness and courtesy to others, it can arouse feelings of jealousy in you. Says the Bible:
“There is the cruelty of rage, also the flood of anger, but who can stand before jealousy?”—
Proverbs 27:4.
Huda admitted: “I felt such indescribably bitter jealousy that if I hadn’t corrected things, I
could have lost my mind.” Feelings of self-loathing can also result. Huda said: “I blamed
myself for falling in love with someone who didn’t love me and for torturing myself.”
Whereas in Western lands a young woman might feel free simply to approach a young
man and express her feelings, not all young women would be so inclined. And in some
cultures, it would be considered inappropriate or even shocking for a girl to take such an
initiative. What, then, can you do if you have fallen in love with someone who doesn’t return
your love?
Taking Stock of Your Feelings
First, try examining your feelings coolly and objectively. The Bible warns: “He that is
trusting in his own heart is stupid.” (Proverbs 28:26) Why? Because all too often the
judgment of our heart is misguided. (Jeremiah 17:9) And what feels like love often turns out
to be something else. “I needed attention and love,” acknowledged Huda. “I needed
someone to love me and care for me. From childhood I’d never received love. That affected
me deeply.” If you come from an unloving or abusive family environment, you may likewise
feel a hunger for love and recognition. But is a romantic relationship necessarily the cure?
Unfortunately, people who feel empty and lonely often make poor marriage mates. They
enter matrimony expecting to get what they feel they so desperately need. However, true
happiness comes from giving, not getting. (Acts 20:35) And a woman is far better equipped
to handle marriage if she feels reasonably good about herself and ‘keeps an eye, not in
personal interest upon just her own matters, but also in personal interest upon those of
others.’—Philippians 2:4.
When you feel under pressure to get married, you can easily overreact to any attention
from the opposite sex. Sometimes a young woman’s desire for romance is nurtured by
friends and family. Some societies put great emphasis on a girl’s marrying as soon as she is
of marriageable age. The book Women in the Middle East says: “If a woman nears thirty and
is still single, she becomes the object of great concern to her family.” Because family honor is
involved, a father may try to marry off his daughters as young as possible.
Nevertheless, Bible principles take precedence over culture. And the Scriptures urge
young people to wait until they are “past the bloom of youth” before marrying. (1 Corinthians
7:36) So, what if you feel your friends or parents are putting undue pressure on you to
marry? The Bible tells us that the godly Shulammite girl solemnly charged her companions
‘not to awaken or arouse love in her until it felt inclined.’ (Song of Solomon 2:7) Perhaps
expressing yourself in a similarly firm way would bring results, especially if your parents are
God-fearing.
Facing the Truth
Still, you must eventually face the truth regarding the person you feel you love. Doing so
may not be easy and may cost you emotionally. But the Scriptures admonish: “Buy truth itself
and do not sell it.” (Proverbs 23:23) Ask yourself, ‘Do I have any rational basis for being in
love? How much do I really know about this person? What do I know about his thoughts,
feelings, opinions, habits, values, abilities, talents, and life-style?’
Another thing to consider is whether or not the person has expressed any real interest in
you. Oftentimes, mere kindness or friendliness is misinterpreted. “He was trying to be kind,”
said Huda, “but I interpreted his words and actions as personal interest because I wanted
that. After I realized that he wasn’t interested in me, I felt humiliated. I felt that I didn’t
deserve his interest and that there was something wrong with me.”
Perhaps you have felt the same way as a result of a similar experience. Realize, though,
that because you were not just right in this person’s eyes does not mean that you will not be
just right in the eyes of someone else. After all, this is not the only young man in the world!
Getting Over the Hurt
Even so, it may take a while to get over your hurt feelings. What can help? One thing is to
open up and confide in a “true companion”—a mature Christian who will listen to you.
(Proverbs 17:17) Perhaps there is an older woman in the congregation with whom you could
talk. Christian parents can also play a big role in providing help and support. Recalls Zeina:
“A Christian woman in our congregation noticed my distress and was mature enough to help
me. I felt at ease with her and told her everything. She encouraged me to talk to my parents.
So I talked to them, and they understood me and helped me.”
Remember, too, the power of prayer. (Psalm 55:22) Says Huda: “My prayers to Jehovah
helped me get rid of my pain. I also read helpful articles in the Watchtower and Awake!
magazines.” In addition, it is important that you not isolate yourself. (Proverbs 18:1) Get
involved with other people. “Another thing that helped me,” recalls Zeina, “is that I kept busy
and became a pioneer [full-time evangelizer]. I also increased my association with other
women in the congregation. This helped me to progress spiritually.”
The Bible does speak about “a time to love,” and it may be that in time you will meet
someone who returns your affections. (Ecclesiastes 3:8) Jehovah God created humans with
a desire to enjoy the pleasures of marital love, and you too may eventually be able to realize
this fine provision of our Grand Maker. In the meantime, why not make the most of your
years of singleness, which are “free from anxiety,” as the apostle Paul says? (1 Corinthians
7:32-34) In any event, you can be assured of the fulfillment of the Bible promise: “You
[Jehovah] are opening your hand and satisfying the desire of every living thing.”—Psalm
145:16.
[Footnote]
The names have been changed to protect the privacy of those involved.
[Picture on page 13]
Sometimes, kindness is misinterpreted

Set Clear Boundaries

If you’re dating, how can you avoid inappropriate displays of affection? The wise course is
to set clear boundaries in advance. Proverbs 13:10 says: “With those consulting together
there is wisdom.” So discuss with your partner what expressions of affection are appropriate.
Waiting until you’re in some emotion-charged romantic setting before establishing ground
rules is like waiting until your house is on fire before installing an alarm.
Granted, such a sensitive discussion can be difficult—even embarrassing—especially in
the early stages of courtship. But establishing boundaries can do much to prevent serious
problems from developing later on. Wise boundaries can be like smoke detectors that sound
an alarm at the first hint of fire. Furthermore, your ability to communicate in these matters
may also serve as an indicator of how much potential the relationship has. In fact, self-
control, patience, and unselfishness are the foundation of a satisfying sexual relationship in
marriage.—1 Corinthians 7:3, 4.
True, holding to godly standards isn’t easy. But you can trust Jehovah’s advice. After all,
at Isaiah 48:17, he describes himself as “the One teaching you to benefit yourself, the One
causing you to tread in the way in which you should walk.” Jehovah has your best interests
at heart!

11Is it customary where you live for a person to choose his or her own marriage mate? If
so, how should you proceed if you find someone of the opposite sex attractive? First, ask
yourself, ‘Is marriage really my intention?’ It is cruel to play with another person’s emotions
by raising false expectations. (Proverbs 13:12) Then, ask yourself, ‘Am I in a position to get
married?’ If the answer to both questions is positive, the steps you take next will vary
depending on local custom. In some lands, after observing for a while, you might approach
the person and express a desire to get better acquainted. If the response is negative, do not
persist to the point of being objectionable. Remember, the other person also has a right to
make a decision in the matter. If, however, the response is positive, you may arrange to
spend time together in wholesome activities. This will give you an opportunity to see whether
marriage to this person would be wise. What should you look for at this stage?
12 To answer that question, imagine two musical instruments, perhaps a piano and a
guitar. If they are correctly tuned, either one can produce beautiful solo music. Yet, what
happens if these instruments are played together? Now they must be in tune with each other.
It is similar with you and a prospective mate. Each of you may have worked hard to “tune”
your personality traits as individuals. But the question now is: Are you in tune with each
other? In other words, are you compatible?
13 It is important that both of you have common beliefs and principles. The apostle Paul
wrote: “Do not become unevenly yoked with unbelievers.” (2 Corinthians 6:14; 1 Corinthians
7:39) Marriage to someone who does not share your faith in God makes it more likely that
there will be severe disharmony. On the other hand, a mutual devotion to Jehovah God is the
strongest basis for unity. Jehovah wants you to be happy and to enjoy the closest possible
bond with the person you marry. He wants you to be bound to Him and to each other by a
threefold bond of love.—Ecclesiastes 4:12.
14 While worshiping God together is the most important aspect of unity, more is involved.
To be attuned to each other, you and your prospective mate should have similar goals. What
are your goals? For example, how do you both feel about having children? What things have
the first place in your life? (Matthew 6:33) In a truly successful marriage, the couple are good
friends and enjoy each other’s company. (Proverbs 17:17) For this, they need to have
interests in common. It is difficult to sustain a close friendship—much less a marriage—when
this is not the case. Still, if your prospective partner enjoys a particular activity, such as
hiking, and you do not, does that mean that the two of you should not get married? Not
necessarily. Perhaps you share other, more important interests. Moreover, you might give
happiness to your prospective partner by sharing in wholesome activities because the other
person enjoys them.—Acts 20:35.
15Indeed, to a large degree, compatibility is determined by how adaptable both of you are
rather than by how identical you are. Instead of asking, “Do we agree on everything?” some
better questions might be: “What happens when we disagree? Can we discuss matters
calmly, according each other respect and dignity? Or do discussions often deteriorate into
heated arguments?” (Ephesians 4:29, 31) If you want to get married, be wary of anyone who
is proud and opinionated, never willing to compromise, or who constantly demands and
schemes to have his or her own way.

The Pitfalls of Young Love

Perhaps the greatest romantic hazard is to date during your teen years. This is “the bloom
of youth,” when passion is rising to peak power. (1 Corinthians 7:36) Dr. Ari Kiev observes:
“For most young people, relationships with the opposite sex . . . are frequently aggravated by
an abundance of confusing sex drives.” No wonder, then, that youths often fall ‘in love’ with
the greatest of ease. “I met this fellow,” recalls a young woman named Barbara. “We
corresponded maybe for about a year. And then in one of his letters, he said that he loved
me. I said to myself, ‘I’ve only seen him once. How in the world can he say that?’”
But even when teen couples try to restrain passion and pursue a relationship on the basis
of compatibility, the odds are slim that they will stay compatible! Why? Because a teenage
personality is in a state of flux. You are discovering who you are, what you really like, what
you want to do with your life. Things important to you today may mean little tomorrow. Teen
romances are thus often doomed relationships, seldom culminating in marriage.
Wisely, then, the Bible recommends marriage only for those “past the bloom of
youth.” (1 Corinthians 7:36) This would rule out dating while a person is still very young.
Following this advice may not be easy, but it will certainly “remove vexation from your heart,
and ward off calamity from your flesh” if you do not date until you are old enough to marry.—
Ecclesiastes 11:10.

*** g88 2/8 p. 18 How Can I Avoid a Broken Heart? ***

[Picture on page 18]
Teen romances seldom lead to marriage but often to heartache

You’re How Old?

At what age do you think it’s appropriate for a youth to start dating? .....
Now ask one or both of your parents the same question, and fill in their answer. .....
Chances are, the first number you wrote down is lower than the second. Or maybe not!
You might be among the many youths who are wisely putting off dating until they’re old
enough to know themselves better. That’s what Danielle, 17, decided to do. She says:
“Thinking back to two years ago, what I would have looked for in a potential mate was so
different from what I would look for now. Basically, even at this point I don’t trust myself to
make such a decision. When I feel that my personality has been stable for a couple of years,
then I’ll think about dating.”
There’s another reason why waiting is wise. The Bible uses the phrase “the bloom of
youth” to describe the period of life when sexual feelings and romantic emotions first become
strong. (1 Corinthians 7:36) To maintain close association with one particular member of the
opposite sex while you’re still in this phase can fan the flames of desire and lead to wrong
conduct. True, that might mean little to your peers. Many of them are all too eager to
experiment with sex. But you can rise above that kind of thinking! (Romans 12:2) After all,
the Bible urges you to “flee from sexual immorality.” (1 Corinthians 6:18, New International
Version) By waiting until you’re past the bloom of youth, you can “ward off calamity.”—
Ecclesiastes 11:10.
Are You Ready to Get Married?
To help you answer the above question, take a good look at yourself. Consider the
following:
Relationships. How do you treat your parents and siblings? Do you often lose your self-
control with them, perhaps using harsh or sarcastic language to make a point? What would
they say about you in that regard? How you deal with family members indicates how you will
treat a mate.—Read Ephesians 4:31.
Demeanor. Are you positive or pessimistic? Are you reasonable, or do you always insist
on doing things a certain way—your way? Can you keep calm when under pressure? Are
you patient? Cultivating the fruitage of God’s spirit now will help you prepare for being a
husband or a wife later.—Read Galatians 5:22, 23.
Finances. How well do you handle money? Are you often in debt? Can you hold down a
job? If not, why not? Is it because of the job? the employer? Or is it because of some habit or
trait that you need to work on? If you have trouble handling your own finances, how will you
manage those of a family?—Read 1 Timothy 5:8.
Spirituality. If you’re one of Jehovah’s Witnesses, what are your spiritual attributes? Do
you take the initiative to read God’s Word, to engage in the ministry, and to participate at
Christian meetings? The person you marry deserves nothing less than a spiritually strong
partner.—Read Ecclesiastes 4:9, 10.
What You Can Do
Being pressured to date before you’re ready would be like being forced to take a final
exam for a course that you’ve barely started. Obviously, that wouldn’t be fair! You need time
to study your subject so you can become familiar with the kind of problems you’ll face in the
test.
It’s similar with dating. As we’ve seen, dating is no trivial matter. So before you’re ready to
focus on one particular person, you need to take time to study a very important “subject”—
how to build friendships. Later, when you meet the right person, you’ll be in a better position
to build a solid relationship. After all, a good marriage is the union of two good friends.
Waiting to date won’t stifle your freedom. On the contrary, it will give you more freedom to
‘rejoice in your youth.’ (Ecclesiastes 11:9) And you’ll have time to prepare yourself by
developing your personality and, most important, your spirituality.—Lamentations 3:27.
In the meantime, you can enjoy the company of the opposite sex. What’s the best way to
do so? Associate together in properly supervised mixed groups. A girl named Tammy says: “I
think it’s more fun that way. It’s better to have a lot of friends.” Monica agrees. “The group
idea is a really good idea,” she says, “because you get to see people with different
personalities.”
In contrast, if you focus on one person too soon, you set yourself up for heartache. So
take your time. Use this period of your life to learn how to cultivate and maintain friendships.
Later, if you choose to date, you’ll have a better idea of who you are and what you need in a
lifelong partner.
What Are Your Intentions?
In many cultures dating is regarded as a legitimate way for two people to become better
acquainted. But dating should have a noble purpose—to help a young man and woman
determine if they would be suitable marriage partners for each other. Why?
The Bible uses the phrase “bloom of youth” to describe the time of life when sexual
feelings and romantic emotions become strong. (1 Corinthians 7:36) To maintain close
association with one particular member of the opposite sex while you are still in “the bloom of
youth” can fan the flames of desire and cause you to learn the hard way the wisdom of
Galatians 6:7: “Whatever a man is sowing, this he will also reap.”
Granted, some of your peers might date without any intention of marriage. They may view
their opposite-sex friend as nothing more than a trophy or an accessory to be seen with in
public to boost their own self-esteem. Playing with someone’s affections in that way is cruel,
and it comes as no surprise that such relationships are often short-lived. “Many young ones
who date break up with each other a week or two later,” says a youth named Heather. “They
come to view relationships as transitory—which in a sense prepares them for divorce rather
than for marriage.”
Recreational or casual dating—pairing off merely for fun or for the sake of having a
boyfriend or a girlfriend—can easily lead to hurt feelings. Consider Eric, who at age 18 was
innocently enjoying what he thought was just a close friendship with a girl. Then he became
aware that for her the friendship meant something more. “Wow! Was I surprised at how fast
she got serious,” Eric says. “I really thought we were just friends!”
Of course, it’s not wrong to mix with members of the opposite sex in properly supervised
group settings. When it comes to dating, though, it is best to wait until you are past the bloom
of youth and in a position to contemplate marriage seriously. That is what a youth named
Chelsea came to appreciate. “Part of me wants to say that dating should be just for fun,” she
admits, “but it’s no fun when one person is taking it seriously and the other isn’t.”

Young People Ask . . .

‘Can’t We Just Be Friends?’

“THERE’S nothing going on between us.” claims Marie. “We just chat. What’s the world
coming to if you’ve got to be leery of everyone? You might as well live like a shut-in!” Marie’s
rather strong assertions came after someone warned her of the dangers of spending time in
a car alone with a boy her age. Obviously, she did not appreciate the warning. She thinks:
‘What possible harm is there in just being friends?’
Michel holds a somewhat more sober view, especially since his experience with his pretty
next-door neighbor Louise. The young man explains: “We had a very close relationship but
with no thoughts of marriage. However, I rapidly found myself in a terrible turmoil—I just
could not get Louise off my mind. My feelings were getting out of control! So one evening I
told my problems to a friend who offered to put me up that very evening.” Removed from the
‘danger zone,’ Michel was able to think a bit more clearly about where his friendship was
heading.
It is just as Dr. Marion Hilliard stated years ago in The Ladies’ Home Journal: “An easy
companionship traveling at about ten miles an hour can shift without warning to a blinding
passion going a hundred miles an hour.”
Emotional Consequences
The Bible urges young men to treat “younger women as sisters with all
chasteness.” (1 Timothy 5:2) Many have successfully applied this principle and as a result
enjoy clean, wholesome friendships with members of the opposite sex. They are careful to
keep their relationships within reasonable bounds. But what happens when such a friendship
goes out of control? A previous article warned of moral consequences that can result.
Fortunately, most Christian youths would not allow matters to go that far. There can,
however, also be emotional consequences.
Sixteen-year-old Mike learned this when he developed a relationship with a 14-year-old
girl: “At first, we just wanted to be friends. But as I quickly found out, two people cannot stay
just friends when they keep seeing each other exclusively. Our relationship kept growing and
growing. We soon had special feelings for each other, and we still do.” Since neither is in a
position to pursue marriage, those feelings are a source of much frustration. No wonder that
Mike asks: “Should I try to break it off?”
‘But I just don’t feel that way about my friend,’ someone might object. ‘I’m not attracted to
him [or her] and would never get romantically involved with him.’ Perhaps. However, the
proverb warns: “He that is trusting in his own heart is stupid.” (Proverbs 28:26) Our hearts
can be treacherous, deceptive, blinding us to our true motives.
Through his prophet Jeremiah, God warns us of this: “The heart is more treacherous than
anything else and is desperate. Who can know it? I, Jehovah, am searching the heart,
examining the kidneys, even to give to each one according to his ways, according to the
fruitage of his dealings.”—Jeremiah 17:9, 10.
One young Christian girl, for example, became quite friendly with a young boy at school.
She reasoned that this was fine because she would share thoughts from the Bible with him.
But it soon became apparent that the boy was interested in more than talking about the
Bible. “Through no fault of my own,” she claims, “he has become more and more close to
me.” As far as she is concerned, though, the feeling isn’t mutual.
 Interestingly, though, the girl admits: “My mother insists on believing I’ve fallen for him.”
Mothers are a discerning lot. And doubtless this mother sees that her daughter is pulling the
wool over her own eyes. After all, is it reasonable to think that the girl would be so adamant
about maintaining the relationship if she wasn’t emotionally involved? And even granting a
sincere interest in helping her young friend, can she say that his strong feelings for her are
‘no fault of her own’? The book The Family, Society, and the Individual observes “that it is the
male who is attracted more readily.” Even innocently turning on the charm can easily arouse
a male—emotionally and sexually.
The same thing happens when a young man pays particular attention to a young woman.
Women may respond to attention from the opposite sex a bit more slowly than do men, but
when they finally do respond, the feelings aroused are often very deep. Therefore, whoever
allows a friendship with the opposite sex to get too close is fooling himself. For even where
one person’s feelings are not stirred, the other person’s feelings may be.
Saying, ‘Let’s be friends’ can and often does prolong the agony of unrequited affection. As
the publication Your Youth—Getting the Best out of It explains: “Generally, it is the man who
initiates courtship, by expressing interest in the woman. If he is honest and serious about it,
she has the right to believe that he is at least contemplating marriage.” Continued
association can thus easily be misunderstood to mean courtship, with marriage in view.
True, informing a lovesick friend that his or her feelings are unshared can cause a
devastating emotional blow. But continuing the relationship delays the day of reckoning.
Says the Bible: “Just like someone mad that is shooting fiery missiles, arrows and death, so
is the man that has tricked his fellowman and has said: ‘Was I not having fun?’” (Proverbs
26:18, 19) The original Hebrew word translated “trick” can also mean to “deceive, mislead.” If
a friendship is a mere expedient for having a good time without commitment or responsibility,
is this not misleading? When someone lavishes attention on someone of the opposite sex
with no thoughts of marriage in mind, is this not deceptive? True, no malicious motive may
be involved. But does it not betray a measure of selfishness and a lack of concern for
another person’s feelings? Trying to sidestep the issue by saying, ‘But we were just friends’
or, ‘I never made any promises,’ will likely not sit well with the rejected one.
Avoiding Problems
Proverbs 2:7 advises young people to “treasure up practical wisdom.” Wise youths
therefore avoid letting friendships with the opposite sex get too close—until they are ready
for marriage. Group activities can be a wholesome way to avoid the problem of a romance
developing. Even then, why confine yourself to a small circle of friends? After all, romantic
feelings can develop even in a group. Another safeguard is to include an older person or two
in group activities.
What, though, if in spite of safeguards, it appears that someone has developed unshared
romantic feelings toward you? Clarify matters as quickly as possible so that both of you know
where you stand. “Speak truth each one of you with his neighbor,” recommends the Bible.
(Ephesians 4:25) If openly expressing your feelings does not curtail matters, it might be best
to keep your distance from this person. Do not reason: ‘Well, things are quite clear now, so
we can consider the matter closed. But there’s nothing to prevent us from remaining good
friends.’ Romantic fires often continue to smolder, one person hoping the other will change
his or her mind.
Following these suggestions may not be easy. But remember: The Creator has decreed
that real intimacy with the opposite sex is reserved for marriage. “Jehovah God went on to
say: ‘It is not good for the man to continue by himself. I am going to make a helper for him,
as a complement of him.’ That is why a man will leave his father and his mother and he must
stick to his wife and they must become one flesh.” Jesus quoted those words and stressed
the seriousness of marriage: “Therefore, what God has yoked together let no man put
apart.”—Genesis 2:18, 24; Matthew 19:5, 6.
Keep friendships with the opposite sex within reasonable limits, therefore, and avoid
much pain and heartache.