Mućke: (sezona 7, ep.

13)

INT. DAY. THE LIFT.

The lift walls are covered in graffiti. 'Chelsea FC'

'Millwall FC', a few graffiti tags.

Del presses the button for floor 12.

The lift door closes and we hear the hum of the motor.

Rodney
Look at the state of these
lifts! What's going on in
their brains?

Del
Bunch of half-heads,
aren't they?

Rodney spots a small piece of graffiti which reads: 'Del

Boy is a sex machine'.

Rodney
Look! 'Del Boy is a sex
machine'. Who'd write
something like that?

Del
(Guilty)
Dunno!

Rodney now spots another small piece of graffiti (which

we don't see). At this point we concentrate on Rodney
and cannot see what Del is doing.

Rodney
(Reads)
'Rodney Trotter...' ... The
lying gits!

Now the hum of the lift motor stops. We hear a metallic

shaking as if the car has shuddered to a halt. Rodney
looks up to the ceiling and then around him.

Rodney
(Cont'd)
What's happened?
 Del
(Immediately an
uneasiness)
It's broken down. They're
always breaking down! Poxy
bloody council.

Rodney
What's the matter with you?

Del
Nothing's the matter with
me! Just take it easy,
Rodney.

Rodney
I'll press the alarm button.

Del
I'll do it! Good thinking
Rodney! Alarm button.

Del, apparently, presses the alarm, but because the

button is masked by his body, we don't actually see him
do it.

There is no response from button.

Del
It's broken! I don't
believe it, even the
alarm's broken!

Del starts kicking the metal walls.

Del
(Shouting)
Help! Help. Two men are
trapped in the lift!

Rodney
Alright, alright! There's
no need to get in a lather
about it. Someone will
press for the lift in a
minute, realise it's not
working and call the
engineers. We'll be out
soon.
 Del
I just don't like being
closed in like this.

Rodney
I never knew you were
claustrophobic.

Del
I'm not! I just don't
like being closed in like
this!

Rodney
Look, let's just sit own
on the floor and relax.
They'll be here in a
minute.

Del
Yeah, yeah, that's the way
bruv, nice and easy, nice
and easy does it.

They sit with their backs to the wall.

Rodney
The oxygen right falls down
to the bottom, this way we
get cleaner air.

Del
Good, good!

We stay on Rodney as he notices another piece of

graffiti. Now Rodney becomes aware of smoke drifting
across his face. We see Del has lit a cigar.

INT. DAY. THE LIFT.

Thirty minutes later. Del and Rodney have both removed

their coats and unbuttoned their shirts. They are both
sweating. Del paces, his claustrophobia reaching
breaking point.

Del
They're not here yet, are
 they?

Rodney
Give 'em time. Sit down,
take it easy.

Del sits down next to Rodney.

Rodney
Let's play a game.

Del
A game? You got a ball on
you then?

Rodney
No. A different sort of
game. I Spy.

Del
I Spy?

Rodney
Yeah. Go on, you can go
first.

Del
Alright, dopey! I spy with
my little eye something
beginning with W.

Rodney
Er... walls?

Del
Walls. Yes, that's right.
Well, that's the end of
that game then, innit?

Rodney
Well, you choose the game.

Del
How about hide'n'seek?

Del now stands and paces again.

Rodney
I never thought I'd see
 you like this! You're
acting like a big kid just
'cos we're stuck in a lift
for a while.

Del
Yes, well you don't know
how I feel!

Del kicks the door a couple of times.

Del
(Cont'd)
I feel... I feel sort of
frightened! You don't know
what that's like!

Rodney
I don't know what it's
like! How d'you think I've
felt for the last couple of
weeks since Cassie... since
what happened?

Del
I don't know, Rodney, I
don't know how you've felt!

Rodney
Well, I'll tell you, fright-
ened ain't the word! D'you
know what I did last night?

Del
No, but I bet it was
depressing!

Rodney
I sat and read my diaries
from when I was a school
kid.

Del
See, I was right!

Rodney
No, not quite. I actually
noticed moments of hope
inside those pages - I
mean there weren't many -
just the occasional oasis
of promise in a desert of
pessimism. They were
simple hopes, as you'd
expect for someone of my
age. I hoped for - hairs,
hoped I'd do well in my
exams, I even hoped for a
good job when I left
school.

Del
Well, you got hairs, didn't
you? Think how Right Said
Fred must feel.

Rodney
Me and Cass were so happy,
Del. We were looking
forward and all we could
see in front of us was a
big wide highway and we
were just cruising like we
were in a Rolls-Royce. And
suddenly it came to a
shuddering halt - just
like the poxy lift.
Suddenly 'Happy Families'
became 'Dungeons and
Dragons'. And I've never
felt sodding pain like that
in all my life.

Del
Is Cassandra hurting?

Rodney
Well of course she is!

Del
How d'you now? You haven't
talked to her about it.

Rodney
No, and d'you know why?
Because... it's because...
It's almost like if I
don't talk about it, it
 might not be true.

Del
But it is.

Rodney
I now! I know. But if I
don't say it...

Del
If you don't say what?

Rodney
We lost our baby!

Del
But you did - and now
you've said it.

Rodney
Yeah. I've said it! You
just shield yourself from
it, you know. I've just
been lying, ain't I?

Del
In a way. And what about
Cassandra?

Rodney
Not her. Cassandra can't
tell a lie.

Del
Raquel can, the moment one
leaves my lips.

They both laugh.

INT. DAY. THE LIFT.

Rodney
Cassie seemed so fragile. I
wanted to cuddle her and
talk to her about it - but
I was frightened I might -
sort of break her.

Del
 No. She's strong, Rodney.
It's a dropped stitch in
life's tapestry. That's
what mum used to say when
things went wrong.

Rodney
Yeah, I suppose that's
about the strength of it
when you think about it.

Del
Of course it is. You two'll
pick up the bits and pieces
and be cruising down that
big highway again.
Cassandra wants to talk
about it, she told Raquel.

Rodney
What do I say to her?

Del
All the things you just
told me - well, you can
leave the bit about the
hairs out. You go home and
have a heart to heart with
her right now. And while
you're there, you ask her
if she fancies coming
round for dinner tonight.

Rodney
Yeah, I'd love to Del, but
there is the little matter
that I'm stuck in a lift.

Del
Oh yeah.

Del now moves to lift's control panel and opens it.

Del
Let's have a look in here.

Rodney
(It suddenly
dawns on him)
 Your claustrophobia cleared
up quick, didn't it?

Del
Yeah, I seem to be over the
worst.

Rodney
Almost as quick as that flu
you had this morning.

Rodney stands.

Del
Well, these things come and
go, don't they? Oh look,
there's a little switch in
here.

Del turns a switch and we hear the hum of the lift motor
and the metallic shuddering as the lift begins moving
again.

Del
(Cont'd)
There you go.

Rodney
You git! You stopped it!

Del
It was the only way I could
get you talking! You can't
run away in a broken lift.

Rodney
You git!

Del is laughing. Now Rodney is laughing too.

Rodney
(Cont'd)
You! You git!