1

SELF-IMAGE & SELF-ESTEEM

_____________________________________________________________________________

Seeing Ourselves As God Sees Us

_____________________________________________________________________________

Lars Wilhelmsson
 2

CONTENTS

Pages
PREFACE 3-7
INTRODUCTION 8-14
I. SELF-CONCEPT INVENTORY 15-22
II. WORM OR PEACOCK? 23-28
III. DO MOST PEOPLE SUFFER FROM LOW SELF-ESTEEM 29-42
OR PRIDE?
VI. WHAT IS SELF-IMAGE, SELF-LOVE OR SELF-ESTEEM? 43-56
V. PARADISE LOST 57-62
IV. POSITIVE AND NEGATIVE SELF-CONCEPTS 63-73
AND HOW THEY AFFECT YOUR BEHAVIOR
VII. A FALSE SYSTEM OF VALUES 74-85
VIII. PARENT’S ATTITUDES AND HOW THEY AFFECT 86-97
YOUR ATTITUDE AND BEHAVIOR
IX. WHY I AM AFRAID TO TELL YOU WHO I AM 98-103
X. PERFECTIONISM 104-107
XI. YOU ARE UNIQUE–SPECIAL 108-116
XII. LOVING GOD MORE 117-119
XIII. THE LIBERATION OF SELF-ACCEPTANCE 120-122
XIV. THE LIBERATION OF HUMILITY 123-127
XV. THE LIBERATION OF HONESTY 128-130
XVI. THE LIBERATION OF CONFESSION 131-136
XVII. THE LIBERATION OF GRACE 137-144
XVIII. THE LIBERATION OF RISK 142-146
XIX. THE LIBERATION OF LOVE 147-154
XX. LIBERATED! 155-162
XXI. THE LIBERATION OF COMMUNION 163-165
NOTES 166-181
BIBLIOGRAPHY 182-183
 3

PREFACE

“All psychological problems, from the slightest neurosis to the deepest psychosis,
are merely symptoms of the frustration of the fundamental need for a sense of
personal worth. Self-esteem is the basic element in the health of any human
personality.”1
–William Glasser

Virtually all of us suffer from personal insecurity. Conditional love exhibited by our
parents, relatives, neighbors and friends drove home a powerful message early in life: I am loved,
or l am loved more, when I live up to the expectations of others.

Such a message has made us angry and some of us have expressed it uncontrollably by
temper tantrums, abusive language and even violence, others have expressed it actively by being
overly aggressive, extremely competitive and perfectionistic and still others have expressed it
passively through passive/aggressive behavior or by becoming shy, timid and withdrawn.

Our personal insecurity has either led us to give up or led us into the performance trap
whereby we try to impress God, ourselves and others with our deeds. The trouble is that we
eventually find out that we are never satisfied. It is an endless pursuit that leaves us frustrated.

Although we have not heard terminology such as self-image, self-love or self-esteem so

much in recent years, the issues of personal rights, self-fulfillment and individual happiness have
been significantly influenced by this philosophy/psychology since the 1970s and 1980s. Scores of
self-help books since that time have sold extremely well.

 Is the theology of self-esteem at heart a psychologized interpretation of the

gospel?

 Have the proponents of self-esteem made willful human pride become merely
the psychological equivalent of a defense mechanism to cover insecurity?

 Is the interest in self-esteem among Christians simply one indication of the

obsession with the self in America?

 Is the popularity of self-help and success manuals in Christian bookstores a

manifestation of Christian narcissism?

 How does self-esteem square with Christ’s explicit demand of His followers to
deny self, take up one’s cross and lose one’s life?
 4

What does Christ mean by His words:

“If any man would come after Me, let him deny himself and take up his cross
and follow Me. For whoever would save his life will lose it and whoever loses
his life shall save it” (Matthew 16:24-25).

Does self-image, self-love or self-esteem and the Bible mix? It depends!

It depends on our approach. If it is cultivated within the boundaries of biblical wisdom the
answer is “Yes.” But if it is looked at from merely a humanistic point of view the answer is “No.”

The greatest failure of secular psychology is its failure to acknowledge human sin and
thus the need for salvation. Consequently, any concept of self-esteem fostered by such
psychology will be unrealistic and will tend to ignore or minimize and thus misinterpret the dark
side of the human heart. This does not mean that secular psychology has nothing to offer.
Cognitive behavioral psychology has shown success in emphasizing how a person thinks about
himself, and therapy consists of trying to give the client healthier ways of thinking. This is also
what we as Christians have tried to do through discipling, teaching and preaching throughout
church history. In addition neo-Freudians such as Erik Eriksson have increased our
understanding of the role of early childhood in the development of personality and self-esteem.

We can tell a great deal about American culture by examining what books are selling. The
1970s and 1980s produced scores of books on self-fulfillment through such avenues as individual
success, power and happiness. It is not surprising that a nation whose philosophy is pragmatism–
whatever works is good–consistently glorifies individualism. Although pragmatism and
individualism seem to have brought us success and power and has become the envy of the world,
few seem happy.

At the same time that we have seen tremendous scientific and technological break-
throughs, we have also become as author Elizabeth Wurtzel put it, a “Prozac Nation.” Her book
Prozac Nation, which is “a powerful portrait of one girl’s journey through the purgatory of
depression and back”2 became a national bestseller in the mid 1990s. Since then emotional and
mental illness has continued to grow with millions of our people, especially young people,
hooked on a multitude of medications as they live in the fast lane. Her book dares to question
“the smile-button optimism of the pharmaceutical companies’ brave new world.”3

But has it not also brought us superficiality, anxiety, fear, stress and insecurity? This is
one of the reasons why books dealing with self-love or self-esteem have been so popular in the
past. The titles are telling, secular titles such as: Games People Play, I’m OK–You’re OK,
Breaking Free, Winning Through Intimidation, Your Erroneous Zone, Looking Out For #1,
 5

The Psychology of Self-Esteem and Christian titles such as: The One And Only You,
The Art of Learning To Love Yourself, Love Yourself, Celebrate Yourself, Self-Love: The
Dynamic Force of Success, Self-Love: You Can Become The Person You Want To Be, Self-
Esteem: The New Reformation, The Dilemma of Self-Esteem: The Cross and Christian
Confidence, Me, Myself, & I: How Far should We Go in Our Search for Self-Fulfillment?,
The Christian Looks At Himself, The Inflated Self: Human Illusions and the Biblical Call to
Hope, Your Better Self, and Psychology as Religion: The Cult of Self-Worship.

These books drew heavily from diverse aspects of self-theory taught by well known
humanistic psychologists such as Erich Fromm (synthesized psychoanalysis and Marxian social
theory), Rollo May (existential psychology and psychotherapy), Abraham Maslow (personality
theory–self-actualization/self-realization), Alfred Adler (individual psychology), William Glasser
(reality therapy/gestalt approach), Carl Rogers (psychotherapy–client-centered therapy) and
Victor Frankl (logotherapy–healing through meaning) who, unlike Freud (psychoanalysis) with
his negative understanding of human nature, emphasize individual freedom, responsibility and the
potential for self-actualization.4

Victor Frankl’s emphasis on the search for meaning as the primary motivational force in
each human being has proven a powerful antidote to the feeling of meaninglessness that is
experienced by many individuals in our modern technological society. This emphasis on meaning
found its flowering in Rick Warren’s The Purpose-Driven Life, which now has sold more than 30
million copies. Frankl’s book was written from a Jewish perspective with the general theme of
the importance of meaning whereas Warren’s book was written from a thoroughly Christian
perspective that centers on Christ who makes a purpose-driven life possible.

Numerous studies have been made to show that mental adjustment and personal
happiness are directly related to self-esteem. Those who experience low self-esteem have
experienced a wide range of psychological disorders such as feelings of inadequacy,
unworthiness, inferiority, isolation, guilt, depression and shame.5 Such results have led many to
conclude that a person’s self-evaluation is “the single most significant key to his behavior.”6
Human dignity is a must if people are to be healthy, integrated human beings.

It is not surprising that Christians became interested in the importance of self-esteem in

light of the psychological evidence and from their own understanding of themselves and their
experience with others. Thus Christian self-affirmation took root as some Christian writers
viewed self-love as a moral and religious duty. Self-help books sprouted up and promised readers
all sorts of fulfillment. Books came off the presses promising healthy families, happy marriages,
weight loss, financial prosperity, peace of mind, etc.
 6

Three common themes run through these books:

1. High positive self-esteem is a positive personality trait.

2. Evangelical Christians too often have an unhealthy negative self-image.
3. The gospel is the ultimate resource for building positive self-esteem.7

In this book we will seek to present a Christian perspective on the nature and
function of self-esteem. We will look at positive and negative ways that we describe and assess
ourselves. We will examine the strengths and weaknesses of this Christian self movement that
continues to thrive. Its more extreme manifestations is seen where the Health, Wealth &
Prosperity “Gospel” is being preached. This would take in some of the charismatic churches and
denominations and several Pentecostal churches and denominations as well as many independent
churches.

Although much of this movement is commendable since positive self-feelings are vitally
important, we must be wary of some of its tendencies that weakens its message. There needs to
be a “balance between affirmation of healthy self-esteem and a warning against an unhealthy
narcissistic preoccupation with oneself.”8

Studies show that while on the one hand people suffer from low self-esteem, at the same
time they are quick to accept credit when told they have succeeded, yet attribute failure to
external factors such as other people, difficult circumstances, bad fortune or the impossible
nature of the problem. Are low self-esteem and self-serving bias mutually exclusive or are they
somehow related? Is pride the cause of such self-serving bias or is it insecurity? Or could it be
both?

Have we confused helplessness with worthlessness?

Does Christ’s death free us for the ego trip or from it? Can we live lives that are self-
affirming yet self-forgetful, positive yet realistic?

This book will show that the development of a positive self-concept is crucial to success
in the areas of

 A healthy understanding of oneself

 A mature relationships with others
 A deep and intimate relationship with God
 7

Since so many people, including Christians, suffer from personal insecurity, it is the
primary purpose of this book to help the reader find and nurture a positive self-image. I
believe this can be done only when the Christian faith is embraced in its totality. Therefore the
doctrines of creation and redemption are crucial for the theology of self-esteem. The fact that
man was created in God’s image and redeemed by Christ’s death, provide the most compelling
biblical foundation for positive self-esteem.

I would like to express appreciation to ________________. His/her thoughtful and wise

counsel contributed to the integrity and enhanced the over-all quality of this book.
 8

“First learn to love yourself,

then you can love me.”1

--St. Bernard of Clairvaux
 9

INTRODUCTION
 10

“Know thyself!”1
–Inscription over the entrance of the temple of Apollo at Delphi

“The unexamined life is not worth living.”2

–Socrates

“You are unique, just like everyone else.”

–Anonymous

Everyone is unique! We leave behind us several kinds of imprints, but they are actually
very different.

DISCOVER YOURSELF
Fingerprints

Your fingerprints are undeniable evidence of who you are. Everything you touch with
your bare hands that is relatively a hard smooth surface leaves your fingerprints. This is true
whether it is your eyeglasses, your furniture, your car, etc. The lines on the tips of your fingers
identifies your individuality.

Labeling things in and of itself is not a problem. But when people become the objects of
labeling, it causes great harm. Why? It is because labels are the enemy of uniqueness. When
someone labels another person, the connotations associated with the label are often negative.
Although there is a place for joking with one another by using funny labels, the “funny” labels can
be limiting to the person and to yourself.

Too many people seem to have the need to diminish someone else in order to enhance
their own sense of self. By labeling another, two people are diminished—the one who is labeled
and the one who labels.

So how do we learn who we are? How do we discover the true self? It is not an easy task
since human beings are such complex creatures. It takes time, reflection, patience and a
willingness to grow. Self-discovery comes through intentionality. When you seek to discover
yourself, you learn much more than when you passively let life takes its course.

By thinking and reflecting about the many life experiences you are exposed to, you can
learn much about yourself. Pay attention to those experiences that grab your attention. When you
make a commitment to learn more about yourself, you will notice many things about yourself you
ever knew before.
 11

Voiceprints and Heartprints

Your voiceprints can be recorded on tape. But with present-day technology they are not
completely accurate. Although everyone has a unique voice, it is not as readily discerned as our
fingerprints. While our family members and friends can typically distinguish our voice from
others, babies are experts in detecting the uniqueness of our voice. However, when you get a
cold your voice is distorted and undetected by most.

Your heartprints is what you leave when you impact the life of another person. Unlike
your fingerprint, with heartprints there are no lines like in the footprints nor are there sound-
wave peaks like those on voiceprints. Instead what becomes plain is the impact and effect you
can have on another’s life. You might see their response to your words and actions toward them
such as a smile, a tear or the warmth of a hug in response to your empathetic listening.

While fingerprints, footprints and voiceprints play a transitory role in life, heartprints
leave indelible imprints that can impact people’s lives forever.

The first step into finding who you are might cause you some trepidation and fear, but
the effort will be richly rewarded if you look to the grace of God as you seek to be honest with
God, yourself and others.

A BALANCED APPROACH

Does self-image, self-love or self-esteem and the Bible mix? It depends!

It depends on our approach. If it is cultivated within the boundaries of biblical wisdom the
answer is “Yes.” But if it is looked at from merely a humanistic point of view the answer is “No.”
The greatest failure of secular psychology is its failure to acknowledge human sin and thus
the need for salvation. Consequently, any concept of self-esteem fostered by such psychology
will be unrealistic and will tend to ignore or minimize and thus misinterpret the dark side of the
human heart. This does not mean that secular psychology has nothing to offer. Cognitive
behavioral psychology has shown success in emphasizing how a person thinks about himself, and
therapy consists of trying to give the client healthier ways of thinking. This is also what we as
Christians have tried to do through discipling, teaching and preaching throughout church history.
Humanistic psychologist Abraham Maslow made the term “self-esteem” popular by proposing a
hierarchy of needs that is found in any introductory psychology text. Self-esteem is fundamentally
defined by Maslow as self-respect–how you feel about yourself–and is presented as an essential
ingredient to what he refers to as “self-actualization.”3 In addition neo-Freudians such as Erik
Eriksson have increased our understanding of the role of early childhood in the development of
personality and self-esteem.
 12

We can tell a great deal about American culture by examining what books are selling. The
1970s and 1980s produced scores of books on self-fulfillment through such avenues as individual
success, power and happiness. It is not surprising that a nation whose philosophy is pragmatism–
whatever works is good–consistently glorifies individualism. Although pragmatism and
individualism seem to have brought us success and power and has become the envy of the world,
few seem happy.

At the same time that we have seen tremendous scientific and technological
breakthroughs, we have also become as author Elizabeth Wurtzel put it, a “Prozac Nation.” Her
book Prozac Nation, which is “a powerful portrait of one girl’s journey through the purgatory of
4
depression and back” became a national bestseller in the mid 1990s. Since then emotional and
mental illness has continued to grow with millions of our people, especially young people,
hooked on a multitude of medications as they live in the fast lane. Her book dares to question
“the smile-button optimism of the pharmaceutical companies’ brave new world.”5

But has it not also brought us superficiality, anxiety, fear, stress and insecurity? This is
one of the reasons why books dealing with self-love or self-esteem have been so popular in the
past. The titles are telling, secular titles such as: Games People Play, I’m OK–You’re OK,
Breaking Free, Winning Through Intimidation, Your Erroneous Zone, Looking Out For #1,
The Psychology of Self-Esteem and Christian titles such as: The One And Only You,
The Art of Learning To Love Yourself, Love Yourself, Celebrate Yourself, Self-Love: The
Dynamic Force of Success, Self-Love: You Can Become The Person You Want To Be, Self-
Esteem: The New Reformation, The Dilemma of Self-Esteem: The Cross and Christian
Confidence, Me, Myself, & I: How Far should We Go in Our Search for Self-Fulfillment?
The Christian Looks At Himself, The Inflated Self: Human Illusions and the Biblical Call to
Hope, Your Better Self, and Psychology as Religion: The Cult of Self-Worship.

These books drew heavily from diverse aspects of self-theory taught by well known
humanistic psychologists such as Erich Fromm (synthesized psychoanalysis and Marxian social
theory), Rollo May (existential psychology and psychotherapy), Abraham Maslow (personality
theory–self-actualization/self-realization), Alfred Adler (individual psychology), William Glasser
(reality therapy/gestalt approach), Carl Rogers (psychotherapy–client-centered therapy) and
Victor Frankl (logotherapy–healing through meaning) who, unlike Freud (psychoanalysis) with
his negative understanding of human nature, emphasize individual freedom, responsibility and the
potential for self-actualization.6
 13

Victor Frankl’s emphasis on the search for meaning as the primary motivational force in
each human being has proven a powerful antidote to the feeling of meaninglessness that is
experienced by many individuals in our modern technological society. This emphasis on meaning
found its flowering in Rick Warren’s The Purpose-Driven Life, which now has sold more than 35
million copies. Frankl’s book was written from a Jewish perspective with the
general theme of the importance of meaning whereas Warren’s book was written from a
Christian perspective that centers on Christ who makes a purpose-driven life possible.

Numerous studies have been made to show that mental adjustment and personal
happiness are directly related to self-esteem. Those who experience low self-esteem have
experienced a wide range of psychological disorders such as feelings of inadequacy,
unworthiness, inferiority, isolation, guilt, depression and shame.7 Such results have led many to
conclude that a person’s self-evaluation is “the single most significant key to his behavior.”8
Human dignity is a must if people are to be healthy, integrated human beings.

It is not surprising that Christians became interested in the importance of self-esteem in

light of the psychological evidence and from their own understanding of themselves and their
experience with others. Thus Christian self-affirmation took root as some Christian writers
viewed self-love as a moral and religious duty. Self-help books sprouted up and promised readers
all sorts of fulfillment. Books came off the presses promising healthy families, happy marriages,
weight loss, financial prosperity, peace of mind, etc.

Three common themes run through these books:

1. High positive self-esteem is a positive personality trait.

2. Evangelical Christians too often have an unhealthy negative self-image.

3. The gospel is the ultimate resource for building positive self-esteem.9

In this book we will seek to present a Christian perspective on the nature and
function of self-esteem. We will look at positive and negative ways that we describe and assess
ourselves. We will examine the strengths and weaknesses of this Christian self movement
that continues to thrive. Its more extreme manifestations are seen where the Health, Wealth &
Prosperity “Gospel” is being preached. This would take in some of the charismatic churches and
denominations and several Pentecostal churches and denominations as well as many independent
churches.
 14

Although much of this movement is commendable since positive self-feelings are vitally
important, we must be wary of some of its tendencies that weaken its message. There needs
to be a “balance between affirmation of healthy self-esteem and a warning against an unhealthy
narcissistic preoccupation with oneself.”10

Studies show that while on the one hand people suffer from low self-esteem, at the same
time they are quick to accept credit when told they have succeeded, yet attribute failure to
external factors such as other people, difficult circumstances, bad fortune or the impossible
nature of the problem. Are low self-esteem and self-serving bias mutually exclusive or are they
somehow related? Is pride the cause of such self-serving bias or is it insecurity? Or could it be
both?

Have we confused helplessness with worthlessness?

Does Christ’s death free us for the ego trip or from it? Can we live lives that are self-
affirming yet self-forgetful, positive yet realistic?

This book will show that the development of a positive self-concept is crucial to success
in the areas of

 A healthy understanding of oneself

 A mature relationships with others
 A deep and intimate relationship with God

Since so many people, including Christians, suffer from personal insecurity, it is the
primary purpose of this book to help the reader find and nurture a positive self-image. I
believe this can be done only when the Christian faith is embraced in its totality. Therefore the
doctrines of creation and redemption are crucial for the theology of self-esteem. The fact that
man was created in God’s image and redeemed by Christ’s death provide the most compelling
biblical foundation for positive self-esteem.
 15

I. SELF-CONCEPT INVENTORY
 16

“Self-esteem is a fragile flower and can be crushed so easily.”1

–James Dobson

Happiness is impossible without a healthy attitude toward yourself. A low sense of self-worth
can easily cripple your physical, psychological and spiritual wellbeing.

One of the things that sets human beings apart from the rest of the animal kingdom is
awareness of self. You are able to form an identity and then attach a value to it. This means you can
define who you are and decide whether you like that identity or not.

INVENTORY

Put a plus by items that represent strengths or things you like about yourself and a minus by
items that you consider weaknesses or would like to change about yourself. Don’t mark items that are
neutral or apply to the opposite sex.

Physical Appearance

__ Build/Figure in general __ Teeth

__ Face symmetrical __ Nose
__ Height __ Stomach
__ Eyes __ Chest
__ Hair __ Muscle tone in general
__ Complexion __ How you are dressed
__ Skin __ Makeup
__ Things __ Other __________________

How I Relate to Others

__ Warm __ Socially competent

__ Open __ Good listener
__ Accepting and flexible __ Can’t ask for what I want
__ Can’t set limits or say no __ Uncomfortable with strangers
__ Too accepting, then resentful __ Protective
__ Good communicator __ Good at compromising
__ Entertaining __ Use guilt to get kids to d do things
__ Phony with friends __ Sometimes attack and nag at kids
__ Other _______________
 17

Personality

__ Responsible __ Blabbermouth
__ Funny __ Sulky when I don’t get my way
__ Open, outgoing __ Sometimes irritable
__ Friendly __ Affectionate with family
__ Hate being alone __ Loves to be busy
__ Forgetful __ Messy
__ Easily frustrated __ Easily influenced by others
__ Other _______________

How I Think Others See Me

__ Wishy-washy __ Funny
__ Overextended __ Strong
__ Forgetful __ Independent
__ Lose everything __ Warm
__ Positive __ Scattered
__ Competent __ Irritable
__ Other ______________

Performance on the Job or at School

__ Prompt __ Lousy on the phone

__ Hard-working motivated __ Avoids making sales calls
__ Likable __ Knowledgeable in field
__ Put people at ease __ Good at selling
__ Over stressed __ Mess up paper work
__ Restless __ Shows initiative
__ Efficient __ Overly conscientious
__ Other ______________
 18

Performance of Daily Responsibilities

__ Forget appointments __ Conscientious about brushing

the teeth
__ Put things off __ Conscientious with baby’s
safety, cleanliness
__ Good hygiene __ Don’t fret about my appearance
__ Quick, competent cook __ Handy fixing things
__ Messy housekeeper __ Hates yard work
__ Other __________________

Mental Functioning

__ Lousy at arguing, debating __ Like to learn new things

__ Stupid about current events __ Curious about how things work
__ Mentally lazy __ Quick mind
__ Intuitive __ Uncreative
__ Illogical __ Knowledgeable
__ Highly educated __ Difficulty in remembering things
__ Other _________________ __ Easily confused by what is
abstract

Sexuality

__ Usually turned on, interested __ Communicate sexual preferences

well
__ Accepting of partner’s advances __ Can express feelings sexually
__ Inhibited __ Can feel very rejected and depressed
__ Afraid to initiate __ Sensuous
__ Passive __ Lack self-control
__ Other _________________

Spirituality

How you feel you are doing in your relationship with God and others.

__ Consistent in church attendance __ Don’t like to take risks–lack of faith

__ At times struggle with doubts __ Tend to be judgmental
 19

__ Reach out to others to help them __ Enjoy Bible study

__ Growing in fruit of the Spirit __ Struggle with spending time in
prayer
__ Other _________________ __ Don’t expect God to work
miraculously2

Most of you probably ended up with more negative scores than positive.

QUESTIONS TO PONDER

Do you tend to over-generalize? Do you take an isolated event and make a general, universal
rule (e.g. If you failed once, you’ll always fail)?

Do you tend to label yourself? Do you automatically use pejorative labels to describe
yourself, rather than accurately describing your qualities?

Do you tend to selectively filter things negatively? Do you selectively pay attention to the
negative and disregard the positive?

Do you tend to think on an all-or-nothing basis? Do you lump things into absolute,
black-and-white categories, with no gray areas, no middle ground? Either you have to be perfect
or you’re worthless? Do the following shoulds apply to you?

· I should be the epitome of generosity and unselfishness.

· I should be the perfect lover, friend, parent, teacher, student, spouse, and so on.
· I should be able to endure any hardship with equanimity.
· I should be able to find a quick solution to every problem.
· I should never feel hurt. I should always feel happy and serene.
· I should be completely competent.
· I should know, understand, and foresee everything.
· I should never feel certain emotions such as anger or jealousy.
· I should love my children equally.
· I should never make mistakes.
· My emotions should be constant–once I feel love, I should always feel love.
· I should be totally self-reliant.
· I should never be tired or get sick.
· I should never be afraid.
· I should have achievements that bring me status, wealth, or power.
· I should always be busy; to relax is to waste my time and my life.
· I should put others first it is better that I feel pain than cause anyone else to feel pain.
 20

· I should be unfailing kind.

· I should never feel sexually attracted.
· I should care for everyone who cares for me.
· I should make enough money so my family can afford a nice lifestyle.
· I should be able to protect my children for all pain.
· I should not take time just for my own pleasure.3

Do you tend to blame yourself? Do you consistently blame yourself for things that may
not really be your fault?

Do you tend to interpret things personally? Do you assume that everything has
something to do with you personally? Do you compare yourself negatively to everyone else?

Do you tend to suspect the worst? Do you assume that others don’t like you, are angry
with you, don’t care about you, etc. without any real evidence that your assumptions are correct?

Do you tend to find it difficult to ask others for what you want? This inability is a
classic symptom of low self-esteem. It stems from your basic feeling of unworthiness. You feel
that you don’t deserve to get what you want. Your wants don’t seem legitimate or important.
Other people’s wants seem much more valid and pressing than your own. You go around asking
other people what they want and trying to get it for them. You may be so afraid of rejection or so
out of touch with your needs that you aren’t even aware of what you want. You can’t afford the
risk of consciously wanting something from others.

Do you tend to think in terms of complete control or no control? Do you either feel that
you have total responsibility for everybody and everything, or that you have no control, that
you’re merely a helpless victim?

Do you tend to expect others to see your flaws and are as disgusted by them as you are?
Does this make you constantly vigilant to prepare for their inevitable rejection?

Do you tend to find it difficult to be open with people because you expect them to
reject “the real you”?

Do you tend to get very angry or depressed when criticized.

Do you tend to avoid social situations where there is a chance of criticism or rejection?
Does this keep you from taking risks and meeting new people? Does it make you endure
loneliness rather than reach out?
 21

Do you tend to fear mistakes, and so you don’t like to do new things? Does this make
you have to work extremely hard so that no one will ever find fault with what you do?

Do you tend to avoid challenges because you expect to fail?

Do you tend to avoid disciplining your children because you are afraid of their anger?

Do you find it difficult to say no or set limits in relationships because you would feel
wrong if the other person got upset?

Do you tend to choose people of the opposite sex who are flawed because you can
imagine that only they will put up with you? Does this make it difficult for you to pursue
someone really attractive because you can’t conceive that such a person would want to be with
someone like you?

Do you tend to sacrifice too much and let people take advantage of you and use you
because you can’t image why else they would hand around you?

Do you tend to be so focused on your own flaws that you often feel depressed or
disgusted with yourself?

Do you tend to avoid people who really love you because they must be either deluded
or worse off than you are?

Do you tend to reason emotionally? Do you assume that things are the way you feel
about them?

The implication for a negative self-image is disastrous: You feel useless, so you must be
useless. You feel worthless, so you must be worthless. You feel ugly so you are ugly. You feel
helpless, so you are helpless. You feel like a failure, so you are a failure. You are what you feel.

HUMAN JUDGMENT AND REJECTION

The human capacity for judgment is a double-edged sword. It is one thing to dislike
certain things, colors, shapes, etc. It is another thing to reject parts of yourself. When you do that
you cause psychological pain.
 22

Such psychological pain, like physical pain, will cause you to protect that wound. The
natural thing is that you will avoid anything which might aggravate that pain of self-rejection.
As a result you will take fewer risks: social, academic, career, etc. You will find it more difficult
to meet people, spend time with them, look for a job or try something new that might enrich your
life. Fear of failure is too painful to anticipate. Therefore you play it safe.

This limits you in your ability to open yourself up to others.

 23

II. WORM OR PEACOCK?

 24

“Seeing ourselves as God sees us is the key to gaining self-acceptance.”1

--Bill Bright

“The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they
may have life, and have it to the full” (John 10:10).
–Jesus

Mark Twain is quoted as having once said, “God doesn’t know we are here, and He
wouldn’t care if He did.” How foreign this perspective is to that of the Bible. For the Bible
states,

“And God saw all that He had made, and behold it was very good” (Genesis 1:3).

At creation, God was pleased with His work—especially with man and woman—the
crown of His creative work. Their outward appearances, as well as their inner natures, were a
delight to Him. Even after the fall, God came looking for man to restore him to fellowship
(Genesis 3:8-9).

God still cares and delights in us as we are drawn by His love. God sees us as new
creatures in Christ who are loved unconditionally, totally forgiven and on our way to spiritual
maturity.

Insecurity

But is that how you feel? Is there a way to bring your feelings into conformity to spiritual
reality? That will be the course of action of this book. As Jesus Himself pointed out,

“You will know the truth, and the truth will set you free!” (John 8:32).

Yet most of you identify with the main character in the comic strip, “Peanuts,” as
Charlie Brown was lamenting to his friend Linus about his chronic, lifelong sense of personal
insecurity:

“It goes all the way back to the beginning. The moment I was born and stepped on
the stage of history, they took one look at me and said, ‘Not right for the part.’“

This is a good definition of basic anxiety. Most of you do not like the way you came from
the hand of the Creator.
 25

If you are typical of the average person, there are things about your physical appearance
or personality that do not please you. When you look into the mirror, for example, what do you
see? A big nose? Ears that seem out of proportion? Freckles that you don’t like? Perhaps you are
overweight or becoming bald. Maybe you are too short or too tall? What is it that you don’t like?

What do you think about your personality? “I wish I weren’t so loud” or “so shy” or “I
wish I were more like him . . . or her.” What kind of self-image do you have?

Several years ago, Faith at Work magazine described an exercise that took place at a
meeting of church people. Each participant was given a pencil, paper and the following
instruction, “In three minutes, write down all the things you do not like about yourself.” At the
end of three minutes, several people were still writing furiously. The average number of “things I
don’t like about myself” was fifteen. Then the group was told to write down in three minutes, all
the good things they could think about themselves. When the time had expired, some had written
nothing down. They were still thinking. The average number of good things listed was three.

Counselor Lucy gave Charlie Brown this helpful advice one day:

“Discouraged again, Charlie Brown? You know what your trouble is? The whole
trouble with you is that you’re you!”

Charlie Brown at that point asks,

“Well, what in the world can I do about it?”

Lucy typically responded,

“I don’t pretend to be able to give advice, I merely point out the trouble.”2

Many of you feel that your whole trouble is that You’re you. To make things worse you
don’t feel that you have received advice that has been helpful.

No one deserves Lucy’s description of Charlie Brown! Hopefully this book will provide
insights that will free you from that very feeling.

Worm or Peacock?

Is it true that most of us suffer from low self-esteem?

The answer is yes and no!

 26

Over a generation ago, humanistic psychologist Carl Rogers concluded that most people
he knew “despise themselves, regard themselves as worthless and unlovable.”3 John Powell
contends, “All of us have inferiority complexes.”4 As Groucho Marx lampooned, “I don’t want to
belong to any club that would accept me as a member.”5

How you see yourself affects how you view and relate to God and how you perceive and
interpret the world around you. When basic emotional needs such as love, acceptance and
adequacy are not experienced early in childhood you end up with psychological hangups that
undermine your sense of wholeness and wellbeing. When this happens you suffer personal
insecurity.

Your insecurity results in lack of confidence which in turn makes you self-conscious
about your appearance, abilities and position in life. This results in a negative orientation toward
life as a whole. It makes you very susceptible to the opinions of others. As a result you end up
either withdrawing into your shell and become timid and shy or you over-compensate by
becoming overly aggressive, competitive, perfectionistic and controlling. Either way you become
extremely sensitive to others’ opinions, defensive and critical of others. This typically leads to the
common practice of people either putting themselves down with the hope that someone else will
disagree with them and thereby build them up, or putting down someone else in order to build
themselves up.

Self-abasement—what-a-disgusting-worm-am-I mentality—is another common result of a

negative self-image. Many see this as humility when in fact it is just a different form of pride.
When you are preoccupied with how terrible you are or how wonderful you are–both are self-
absorbed, whether is self-pity or arrogance. Unwillingness to accept yourself with your faults
often reveals your inward pride. Self-degrading comments become common simply to solicit a
compliment from someone else. That is still self-absorption.

Furthermore a low self-image results in the endless pursuit of trying to be somebody else.

From a Christian standpoint, much of Christendom has had an over-emphasis on the

negative. You have been presented with a theology that focused almost exclusively on man’s
depravity. As Anthony Hoekema put it,

“We have been writing of our continuing sinfulness in capital letters and of our
newness in Christ in very small letters.

We tend to believe in total depravity so strongly that we think we have to practice

it, while we hardly dare to believe in our newness.”6
 27

The New Testament writers emphasize that the Christian is a new creature (2 Corinthians
5:17)–who, while he continues to struggle against sin during this life, he does so as one who is
“more than a conqueror through Christ” (Romans 8:37).

Although Paul often saw himself as a great sinner, he never described himself as a sinner,
but at the same time referred to the grace of God, which forgave his sins, accepted him, and
enabled him to be useful in God’s kingdom. Whenever Paul thought about his sin, he thought
about the grace of God. In I Timothy 1:15, for example, he calls himself “the chief of foremost of
sinners,” but he does this in a context in which he is describing the salvation Christ came into the
world to bring. In I Corinthians 15:9-10, Paul expressed his deep regret for having been a
persecutor of the church; yet he quickly also referred to what the grace of God has done for him:

“For I am the least of the apostles, unfit to be called an apostle, because I

persecuted the church of God. But by the grace of God, I am what I am,
and his grace toward me was not in vain. On the contrary, I worked harder
than any of them, though it was not I, but the grace of God which is with me.”

While Paul always owned up to the gravity of his past sins, he did not continue to brood
over these sins (Philippians 3:13).

Paul was careful to give God all the glory, yet he dared to say “I worked harder than any
of them [the other apostles]” (1 Corinthians 15:10). Toward the end of his life, he made the bold
claim to Timothy:

“ I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith.”
(2 Timothy 4:7)

Paul admitted that he had not yet attained perfection. In spite of this fact, he dared to say
to the Christians who received his letters, on more than one occasion:

“Be imitators of me” (1 Corinthians 4:16; 11:1; Philippians 3:17; 2 Thessalonians 3:7).

Even though Paul was conscious of the fact that he was not perfect (Philippians 3:7-8)
and that whatever good there was in him was due to God’s grace, yet he was so confident that
the Holy Spirit would continue to empower him to do God’s will that he had the courage to say
to others, “Be imitators of me.
 28

Your self-image, then, must be seen in the light of this tension between what is and what
is to come. Even though you are “in Christ,” and therefore share His decisive victory over the
powers of evil, you still await His second coming when you will enjoy the totality of Christ’s
victory.

It is interesting that at the same time that people seem to suffer from low self-esteem,
they also tend to have an inflated view of their own importance and thus overestimate their
abilities. According to David G. Myers “even low-scoring people respond in the midrange of
possible scores.”7 Self-serving bias was obvious.

Both the worm and the peacock mentality represent two applications of a misunderstood
theology. Neither self-depreciation nor an inflated view of your own importance is biblical. You
are called to a balanced life. God asks you to recognize your abilities and gifts and celebrate
them. You are to be grateful for who you are, yet walk humbly with your God (Micah 6:8). You
need to get outside of yourselves, forget about yourself, and lose your life that you may find it in
Christ.
 29

III. DO MOST PEOPLE SUFFER FROM LOW SELF-ESTEEM OR PRIDE?

 30

“You are neither worm nor wonder, but a bundle of possibilities in Jesus Christ.”1
–E. Stanley Jones

In attempting to preserve self-esteem, Robert Schuller counsels pastors not to preach

about sin. He believes that such a message merely reinforces a negative self-image:

“Don’t tell them they’re sinners. They’ll believe you–and you’ll reinforce this
self-image! You’ll set this negative impression firmly in their minds and their
conduct will only prove how right you were.”2

Schuller is convinced that people who suffer from low self-esteem already know that they
are miserable creatures. Such an approach is insulting and slanderous for it tells them that they
are wretched sinners. He strongly warns against any method that “produces a destructive strategy
of evangelism.”3

But does not such an approach contradict the critical biblical principle that repentance
precedes conversion, that we must give up the old self before putting on the new? John Calvin
writes that we must undergo a radical self-examination, for such knowledge “will strip us of all
confidence in our ability, deprive us of all occasion for boasting, and lead us to submission.”4 John
Wesley taught that we must first confront Christ as sinners.5 The doctrine of grace follows a
doctrine of human depravity. The reformer Martin Luther was clear that the Bible emphasizes
law first, and then the gospel. God brings forgiveness and healing to the contrite and the
brokenhearted.

It is the paradox of the cross that a gospel that fails to point out the depth of human
misery and deceit cannot bring us to the height of grace.

This is not to say that many are not afflicted with low self-esteem and that self-pride is
often a defense mechanism to cover up our insecurities and weaknesses. Nevertheless pride and
its cousin self-will are the essence of our sinfulness. It is this pride that makes us to repeatedly
rebel against God. It is not out of weakness that we spurn God’s love and take things into our
own hands. Rather, it is out of strength. And this is the very thing that leads to self-destruction.
As Augustine insisted,

“What is pride but undue exaltation? And this is undue exaltation, when the soul
abandons Him to who it ought to cleave as its end and becomes a kind of end in
itself.”6

Calvin understands us well when he writes that there is “nothing that man’s nature seeks
more eagerly than to be flattered,” adding that “blind self-love is innate in all mortals.”7
 31

Psychological studies seem to support the notion that people are affected by a strong self-
serving and self-justifying bias. Are these biases basic to our human condition or are they simply
a disguise for essential weakness or low self-esteem? The Bible clearly teaches that sin is more
indelibly etched upon the human condition that we would like to acknowledge.8

Psychologist Andre Godin warns against using Christianity as “a means of assuring

mental health”:

“God is never a means, but an end. And the religion that keeps us in a living
relationship with the Divine presence should never be regarded as a means or
as if it were to be used for the acquisition of restoration of a human balance.
To consider it so would be to deprive religion of its deepest meaning.”9

Neal Plantinga warns against this “cash and carry” Christianity:

“We are intended to please God–not the other way around–and the idea that
Christianity is something we adapt for what it will pay us in happiness and
personal mastery is an idea which must be explicitly discouraged.”10

Taking Credit Where Credit Is Not Due

Repeated studies have shown that people are quick to accept credit when told they
have succeeded (attributing the success to their ability and effort), yet attribute failure to
external factors such as bad fortune or luck or the impossible nature of the problem.
In explaining their victories, athletes typically give themselves credit, yet when they lose they
attribute their losses to something else . . . like bad breaks, bad referee calls, or the other team’s
luck, unusual effort or dirty play.11

This habit of blaming others or circumstances when things don’t go so well is seen in the
humorous explanations people give for their accidents. One person described his accident this
way:

“An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished; as we reached
an intersection, a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other
car; a pedestrian hit me and went under my car.”12

When it comes to games, exams, job applications, etc. which combine skill and chance,
people typically are especially prone to take credit and pass off blame. While winners attribute
their successes to their skill, losers attribute their losses to chance. I have seen this with the game
 32

of Scrabble where we are quick to explain our victory to our verbal dexterity and blame our loss
on “the lousy Q or Z that we got stuck with.” I have seen this tendency in myself on some
occasions when we have played.13

Is such self-serving bias the cause of pride or insecurity or both?

Michael Ross and Fiore Sicoly observed that young married Canadians usually felt they
took more responsibility for such activities as cleaning the house and caring for the children than
their spouses credited them for. In a survey of Americans, 91 percent of wives but only 76
percent of husbands credited the wife with doing most of the food shopping. In another study,
husbands estimated they did slightly more of the housework than their wives did; the wives,
however, estimated their efforts were more than double their husbands’. Every night, my wife
and I pitch our laundry at the foot of our bedroom clothes hamper. In the morning, one of us
puts it in. When she suggested that I take more responsibility for this, I thought, “Huh? I already
do it 75 percent of the time.” So I asked her how often she thought she picked up the clothes.
“Oh,” she replied, “about 75 percent of the time.”14

Is it any wonder that divorced people usually blame their partner for the breakup?

Workers are more likely to blame something external for their poor performance such as
inadequate supplies, excessive work load, difficult coworkers, ambiguous assignment, etc.15 Is
this not a reminder of what Adam said of his partner:

“The woman you put here with me–she gave me some fruit from the tree, and I ate.”
(Genesis 3:12)

Adam’s excuse is alive and well!

This self-serving bias is also prominent among students. Those who do well tend to
accept personal credit and consider the exam to be a valid measure of their competence whereas
those who do poorly are much more likely to criticize the exam.16

Teachers fall into the same trap in explaining students’ good and bad performances. They
take credit for positive outcomes and blame failure on the student. Teachers, it seems, are likely
to think, “With my help, Maria graduated with honors. Despite all my help, Melinda flunked
out.”17 Because of the emphasis on individualism and the strong encouragement of self focus and
self gratification in our society, many of us seem to never grow out of our ego-centric stage
when we reach adulthood. Then we may think that we are doing more work in our marriage, the
 33

workplace, etc., than we actually are. This can cause a lack of empathy, sensitivity, and
awareness of the contributions or efforts of others because our focus on ourselves can give us an
exaggerated view of any effort or work that we put into a marriage, a project or work, etc.

Can We All Be Better Than Average?

We also see this self-serving bias when people compare themselves to others. In the sixth-
century B.C. Chinese philosopher Lao-tzu claimed that “at no time in the world will a man who is
sane over-reach himself, over-spend himself, over-rate himself.”18 Does this mean that most of us
are a little insane since most people see themselves as better than average? Consider:

 Most businesspeople see themselves as more ethical than the average

businessperson. In fact, 90 percent of business managers rate their performance as
superior to their average peer.

 In Australia, 86 percent of people rate their job performance as above average, 1

percent as below average.

 Most drivers–even most drivers who have been hospitalized for accidents–believe
themselves to be safer and more skilled than the average driver.

 Most people perceive themselves as more intelligent than their average peer, as
better looking, and as less prejudiced than others in their communities.

 Most adults believe they support their aging parents more than do their siblings.


Los Angeles residents view themselves a healthier than most of their neighbors,
and most college students believe they will outlive their actually predicted age of
death by about 10 years.19

Every community, it seems, is like Garrison Keillor’s fictional Lake Wobegon, where “all
the women are strong, all the men are good-looking, and all the children are above average.”

Although 12 percent of people feel old for their age, many more—66 percen—think they are
young for their age. All of which calls to mind Freud’s joke about the man who told his wife, “If
one of us should die, I think I would go live in Paris.”20
 34

Students are more likely to rate themselves superior in “moral goodness” than in
“intelligence.” This is partly because subjective qualities give us so much leeway in constructing
our own definitions of success. In assessing “leadership ability” it is typical to conjure up an
image of a great leader whose style is similar to theirs. By defining ambiguous criteria in his own
terms, each person can see himself as relatively successful. In one College Entrance Examination
Board survey of 829,000 high school seniors,

 No one (0 percent) rated themselves below average in “ability to get along with
others,”

 60 percent rated themselves below average in “ability to get along with others,”

 60 percent rated themselves in the top 10 percent,


25 percent saw themselves among the top 1 percent!21

We also support our self-image by assigning importance to the things we’re good at. If
we did well in a particular course we tend to place a higher value on the importance of that
course than the one we did poorly in and may refer to those who did well in that course as
“geeks.”22

Unrealistic Optimism

What is more, many people have what researcher Neil Weinstein terms “an unrealistic
optimism about future life events.”23 At Rutgers University, for example, students perceive
themselves as far more likely than their classmates to get a good job, draw a good salary, and
own a home, and as far less likely to experience negative events, such as developing a drinking
problem, having a heart attack before age 40, or being fired.24

In Scotland, most late adolescents think they are much less likely than their peers to
become infected by the AIDS virus. After experiencing the 1989 earthquake, San Francisco Bay-
area students did lose their optimism about being less vulnerable than their classmates to injury in
a natural disaster, but within three months their illusory optimism had rebounded. “Views of the
future are so rosy,” notes social psychologist Shelley Taylor, “that they would make Pollyana
blush.”25

Although optimism is a positive trait, unrealistic optimism makes you more vulnerable.
When you believe you are immune to misfortune, you fail to take sensible precautions.
 35

 Even though most young people know that half of U.S. marriages end in divorce
they still believe that theirs will not.

 Sexually active undergraduate women who don’t consistently use contraceptives

perceive themselves, compared to other women at their university, as much less
vulnerable to unwanted pregnancy.

 Those who cheerfully shun seat belts, deny the effects of smoking, and stumble
into ill-fated relationships. 26

This blind optimism, like pride and a haughty spirit, may, as the Book of Proverbs warns,
“go before destruction and before a fall” (Proverbs 16:18).

Optimism is important in facing initial failure. Yet caution is necessary to save you from
the perils of unrealistic optimism. In the case of students, for example, self-doubt helps them
from being overly optimistic about upcoming exams. For such excessive optimism leads to over-
confidence which will make them tend to under prepare. Their peers who have a healthy fear that
they may fail an upcoming exam will more likely study hard and get better grades. “Success in
school and beyond requires enough optimism to sustain hope and enough pessimism to motivate
concern.”27

False Consensus and Uniqueness

Another way in which you enhance your self-image is your tendency to overestimate or
underestimate the extent to which others think and act as you do (a phenomenon called the “false
consensus effect”).28 On matters of opinion, you find support for your positions by over-
estimating the extent to which others agree. If you favor a certain candidate or political party,
you wishfully and dogmatically overestimate the extent to which others agree. When you do
something questionable you justify and rationalize by thinking others think and act as you do:
“It’s okay. After all, everyone else does it.” If you cheat on your income taxes, or engage in
harmful habits, you are likely to overestimate the number of other people who do the same. Thus
you bolster your self-image by seeing your talents and moral behaviors as relatively unusual while
you view your weaknesses as common. This shows that people consider their weaknesses as
normal, their virtues as rare.29

Other Self-Serving Tendencies

These tendencies toward self-serving, self-congratulatory comparisons and illusory

optimism are not the only signs of favorably biased self-perceptions. Consider more:
 36

 Most of us overestimate how desirably we would act in a given situation.

 We also display a “cognitive conceit” by overestimating the accuracy of our

beliefs and judgments, and by misremembering our own past in self-enhancing
ways.

 If an undesirable act cannot be misremembered or undone, then we often justify it.

 The more favorably we perceive ourselves on some dimension (intelligence,

persistence, sense of humor), the move we use that dimension as a basis for
judging others.

 If a test or some other source of information-even a horoscope-flatters us, then

we believe it, and we evaluate positively both the test and any evidence suggesting
that the test is valid.

 Most university students think the SAT (Scholastic Assessment Test)

underestimated their ability. (In face, however, the higher scores they think they
deserved would less accurately predict their obtained grades.)

 Judging from photos, we not only guess that attractive people have desirable
personalities, we also guess that they have personalities more like our own than
do unattractive people.


We like to associate ourselves with the glory of others’ success. If we find
ourselves linked with (say, born on the same day as) some reprehensible person,
we boost ourselves by softening our view of the rascal.30

David G. Myers reasons:

“So, is pop psychology right that most people suffer from low self-esteem and
insufficient self-love? Many streams of evidence suggest otherwise. To paraphrase
Elizabeth Barrett Browning, ‘How do I love me? Let me count the ways!’”31

Is the answer so obvious as Myers claims? Is pride the sole source or is insecurity a
source as well?
 37

Self-Esteem Motivation

Abraham Tesser at the University of Georgia reports that “self-esteem maintenance”

often causes friction among brothers and sisters. 32 Where there is a sibling of the same sex who
is close in age people tend to compare the two as they grow up. Tesser presumes that people’s
perceiving one of you as more capable than the other will motivate the less able one to act in
ways that maintain his or her self-esteem. (Tesser thinks the threat to self-esteem is greatest for
an older child with a highly capable younger sibling. This makes sense since a younger child who
is less gifted can more easily blame the difference in age as a factor.) Men with a brother of
differing ability typically recall not getting along well with him whereas men with a brother of
similar ability are more likely to recall very little friction. Self-esteem threats occur among friends
and married partners, too. While shared interests may lead to similar or identical career goals,
they often produce tension or jealousy as egos are placed in competitive roles.33

Self-Serving Bias and Low Self-Esteem

What may prove confusing is that most of us who exhibit self-serving bias may still feel
inferior to specific individuals, especially those who we feel are higher on the ladder of success,
attractiveness, or skill. While everyone operates with a self-serving bias to a certain extent, some
people’s motives are less suspect. And some of these people suffer from low self-esteem.

Psychologist Erich Fromm believes that self-serving bias is just a cover-up for people
who suffer from low self-esteem. There is no doubt that you are less defensive when you feel
good about yourself. You are less likely to be overly sensitive and judgmental and thus less likely
to exaggerate the qualities of those who like you and put down those who don’t. 34

Experiments show that people whose self-esteem is temporarily bruised—by being told
they did miserably on an intelligence test—are more likely to put others down. In general, people
who are critical of themselves tend also to be critical of others. And those whose ego had
recently been deflated are more prone to give self-serving explanations of success or failure than
are those whose ego has recently been affirmed. It is not surprising then that threats to self-
esteem may provoke self-protective defensiveness.35

Yet people with high self-esteem have self-serving perceptions. Those who scored
highest on self-esteem tests (who say nice things about themselves) also say nice things about
themselves when explaining their successes and failures, when evaluating their group, and when
comparing themselves to others.36
 38

The Self-Serving Bias as Adaptive

Myers points out that without the self-serving bias, and its accompanying excuses, people
with low self-esteem are more likely to suffer from anxiety and depression. Although most
people excuse their failures by perceiving themselves as being more in control than they
are, depressed peoples’ self-appraisals are more accurate. Mildly depressed people generally
see themselves as other people see them.37 This, of course, may, at times, be depressing. This
prompts the unsettling thought that Pascal may have been right:

“I lay it down as a fact that, if all men knew what others say of them, there would
not be four friends in the world.”38

Myers points to our self-serving perceptions in a positive way:

“As this new research on depression suggests, there may be some practical
wisdom in self-serving perceptions. Cheaters give a more convincing display
of honesty if they believe in their honesty. Belief in our superiority can also
motivate us to achieve—creating a self-fulfilling prophecy—and can sustain
a sense of hope in difficult times.“39

Self-Serving Bias as Maladaptive

Although self-serving pride may help protect us from depression, it also contributes to
other problems. Studies are clear that people who blame others for their difficulties are often
unhappier than people who can acknowledge their mistakes. Research by Barry Schlenker
has also shown how self-serving perceptions can poison a group.40 In nine experiments at the
University of Florida, Schlenker had people work together on some task and falsely informed
them that their group had done either well or poorly. In every one of these studies the members
of successful groups claimed more responsibility for their group’s performance than did members
of groups that supposedly failed at the task. Most exaggerated their importance by presenting
themselves as contributing more than the others in their group when the group did well while few
said they contributed less.41

Such self-deception backfires for it can lead individual group members to expect greater-
than-average rewards when their organization does well and less-than-average blame when it
does not. It only reasons that if most individuals in a group believe they are underpaid and
underappreciated relative to their contributions there will be disharmony and envy. College
presidents and academic deans are all too aware of this tendency. It is a well known fact in
 39

academic circles that of college faculty members, 90 percent or more rate themselves as superior
to their average colleague.42 It is any wonder that when merit salary raises are announced and
half receive an average raise or less, that many will feel themselves victims of injustice?

Biased self-assessments also takes place in groups. When groups are comparable, most
people consider their own group superior. This means that

 Most corporation presidents predict more growth for their own firms than for
their competitions.

 Most production managers over predict their production.43

Myers points out that such over-optimism can produce “disastrous consequences.”44 If
those who deal in the stock market or in real estate perceive their business intuition to be
superior to that of their competitors, they may be in for a costly disappointment. Even the
seventeenth-century economist Adam Smith, a defender of human economic rationality, foresaw
that people would overestimate their chances of gain. This “absurd presumption in their own
good fortune,” he said, arose from “the overweening conceit which the greater part of men have
of their own abilities.”45 Gambling is another example where people obviously believe they can
“beat the odds.”

Self-Serving Bias and the Sin of Pride

It should not surprise us that people see themselves with a favorable bias. This tragic flaw
portrayed in ancient Greek drama was hubris, or pride. Like the people involved in the various
studies of this subject, the Greek tragic figures thought too highly of themselves. In literature,
especially Shakespeare, the pitfalls of pride are portrayed brilliantly and repeatedly. In religion,
pride has long been first among the “seven deadly sins,” the original sin, the “mother of all
sin.”46

While social psychologists observe self-serving, self-justifying biases clouding your self-
understanding, biblical writers warn that becoming aware of your sin is like trying to see your
own eyeballs. “Who can detect their errors?” the psalmist wondered (Psalm 19:12). Thus the
Pharisee could thank God “that I am not like other men” (Luke 18:10-11—and you can thank
God that you are not like the Pharisee). The apostle Paul must have had this self-righteous
tendency in mind when he admonished the Philippians (2:3) to “in humility count others better
than yourselves.”
 40

The Bible neither teaches nor opposes self-love; rather, it takes it for granted.
Moses and Jesus assumed self-love when commanding us to love our neighbors as we love
ourselves (Leviticus 19:18; Matthew 22:39; Mark 12:31). Paul assumed self-love when he
argued that husbands should love their wives as their own bodies (Ephesians 5:33) and Paul
assumed that our natural tendency is to count ourselves better than others (Philippians 2:3).

If the Bible is clear about anything, it is clear that God hates self-righteous pride. Such
pride alienates us from God and one another and is at the core of racism, sexism, nationalism,
and all the prejudice that leads one group of people to see themselves as superior morally to any
other. Such people are cold-hearted and blame the poor for their poverty and the oppressed for
their oppression.47

In the eighteenth-century, Samuel Johnson recognized this in one of his sermons. He

stated:

“He that overvalues himself will undervalue others, and he that undervalues
others will oppress them.”48

The Nazi atrocities were rooted not in self-conscious feelings of inferiority but in Aryan
pride. The arms race was fed, and continues to be fed, by a national pride that enabled each
nation to perceive its own motives as righteously defensive, the others’ as hostile.49

Since time immemorial, pride has therefore been considered the fundamental flaw. Vain
self-love corrodes human community and erodes our sense of interdependence on one another
and dependence on God.

No single truth is ever sufficient, said Pascal, because the world is not simple. Any truth
separated from its complementary truth is a half-truth. Although it is true that self-serving
pride is prevalent and at times socially perilous, it also is true that healthy self-esteem, feeling of
confidence and a positive optimism contributes to our wellbeing. A positive and hopeful attitude
is certainly preferable to a negative attitude. Possibility thinking is preferable to self-defeating
negativism.50

Although pride manifests itself in self-serving bias, humility does not manifest itself in
self-contempt, but in self-affirmation and self-acceptance. C. S. Lewis rightly points out that
humility is not handsome people trying to believe they are ugly and intelligent people trying to
believe they are dumb. True humility is realism and self-forgetfulness rather than false
modesty.
 41

It is easy to get caught in psychologizing the gospel. Psychologist Paul Vitz strongly
warned against this tendency in his searing book, Psychology as Religion: The Cult of Self-
Worship. There is no doubt that Wayne Joossee was correct when he wrote that

“much of popular Christian psychology unwittingly incorporates considerable

humanistic ideology, only slightly camouflaged with a veneer of God-talk
and a scattering of Scripture.”51

As pointed out in the preface, this does not mean we should shun psychology nor that we
should discourage studying the interplay between psychology and theology. At the same time we
must always keep in mind that while psychology can tell us a considerable amount about the
essential human condition, it does not study man in relationship to God. Psychology, then, is
inherently anthropocentric (man-centered) while Christianity is theocentric (God-centered).

The theology of self-esteem has contributed to Christianity by counterbalancing the

theology of self-negation in much of American evangelicalism. By emphasizing human guilt and
depravity rather than divine redemption and recreation, many evangelicals have distorted the
gospel–THE GOOD NEWS. Another contribution of this movement is that despite the
consequences of the Fall, it has shown that though the image of God in man may have been
marred, it has not been annihilated. You are still “a little lower than God” (Psalm 8) and
“fearfully and wonderfully made” (Psalm 139:14). Because of Christ’s sacrificial death, you have
been forgiven and are being renewed and conformed into His likeness (Romans 8:29). God’s love
has freed you to love God, neighbor, and self. Furthermore, this self movement, in a general way,
has identified psychological dimensions to the gospel, thereby encouraging evangelical interest in
psychological studies.52

Be alert to your tendency toward an excessive focus upon the self. You are prone to
serve and glorify yourself rather than God. A heavy emphasis upon self-worth can easily lead to
self-worship.

Swiss theologian Karl Barth observed that the greatest freedom you can experience is
freedom from the self. As Dennis Voskuil has written, the promise of Christ is

“not that we have been freed by Christ to love ourselves, but that we are free
from self-obsession. Not that the cross frees us for the ego trip but that the
cross frees us from the ego trip.”53 (Emphasis added)
 42

This leaves people free to rejoice in their special talents and, with the same honesty, to
recognize others.

The life you are meant to live is one that is “self-affirming yet self-forgetful, positive yet
realistic, grace-filled and yet unpretentious.”54
 43

VI. WHAT IS SELF-IMAGE, SELF-LOVE OR SELF-ESTEEM?

 44

“If man calleth thee a grass-eating ox, pay him no mind. If God calleth thee his
child, put on thy royal robes!”1
–Yiddish Proverb

The thief, Satan, certainly has done a good job of stealing and destroying (John 10:10a).
He has used the world and robbed you of the truth of who you are and thus destroyed your peace
and joy.

What Is Self-Love or Self-Esteem?

Craig Ellison explains the meaning of self-esteem this way:

“The most commonly accepted analysis of self-esteem sees it as the result of

comparisons between one’s perceived self, which combines both the assess-
ments of others and one’s perceived self, which combines both the assessments
of others and one’s private perceptions, and the ideal self, which is both how
one feels one would like to be and how one feels one ought to be.”2
(Emphasis added)

Self-esteem then, as Ellison points out, is the feeling or evaluation of the attitude you
have toward yourself. It is measured by the discrepancy you feel between your perceived self and
your ideal self. Therefore, the less the discrepancy, the higher the self-esteem and vice versa.3

The Roots of Self-Image

Ellison explain that the roots of the social self can be found in the need to survive:

“Survival requires constant evaluation and feedback from one’s environment.

In many instances, this cannot be gained objectively. Because we are inter-
dependent beings, we must then look to others for feedback regarding our
functioning. As a matter of fact, it is given to us anyway by virtue of our
initial, interdependent relationship with caretakers, usually in the form of
parents. Erickson has suggested that the first year of development forms the
basis of both self and other orientation of trust or mistrust. Trust and mistrust
reflect acceptance or rejection by significant others as expressed through their
concrete caring responses. Acceptance-rejection is the basis of self-revaluation
because it reflects others’ evaluations of basic worth, prior to the child having
had an opportunity to earn either. As the child develops, and throughout life,
 45

that human being is part of various reference groups that provide evaluative
feedback. Human existence is inevitably social, and self-esteem is at least partially
a mirror of social relationships.”4

Terminology

Is there a difference between self-image, self-love and self-esteem? If so, what? Although
some people use these words interchangeably, it is helpful to see their distinctions. The term self-
image is defined by Webster as “one’s conception of oneself or of one’s role.” This is a neutral
term in that it can be either negative or positive and thus lends itself well to a balanced
understanding. In Christian terminology it is helpful in that it allows for the possibility not only of
seeing ourselves as we are by nature, but also as we are by grace.

Self-esteem is defined by Webster’s Ninth New Collegiate Dictionary as “a confidence

and satisfaction in oneself.” The problem with this definition is that it refers to one’s satisfaction
with oneself as he or she is by nature, apart from the grace of God. Robert Schuller gives the
following definition:

“Self-esteem is the human hunger for the divine dignity that God intended
to be our emotional birthright as children created in his image.”5 (Emphasis added)

Such a definition of self-esteem is legitimate for it recognizes God’s part and our part.
Whether people are Christians or not, they deserve to be treated with respect and dignity. After
all, human beings, even apart from the grace of God, are still the closest things on earth to God.

The Difference Between Pride and Self-Esteem

While pride bases worth on what you do, biblical self-esteem bases worth on who you
are. Isaiah 2:12-21 includes one of the most severe condemnations of pride found in the Bible.
This historical background of this passage is the nation of Israel experiencing great success both
politically and financially. They became proud of their national achievement and in the process
had forgotten who they were . . . God’s people. Instead of looking at who had created them, they
were looking at what they had created, achieved.6

You are made in the image of God whether you are a prince born to prestige and power
or you are the so-called “illegitimate” child of an impoverished single mother.
 46

Whereas pride makes you driven, self-esteem allows you to be led. During Israel’s great
successes, when they became bloated with arrogance and pride, they did not stop their religious
ceremonies. Rather, they continued religious observances at the temple with great emphasis on
the sacrifices offered. They saw religious acts as an attempt to gain God’s approval.7

You can celebrate your worth through gratitude to Him rather than feeling unfulfilled and
thus ungrateful. When you are being led, you are obeying God’s command to “enter into His
rest” (Hebrews 4:9-10). When you are driven, you are continually seeking ways to earn “brownie
points” with God. Healthy self-esteem allows you the freedom to be led.

While pride gives you the false attitude that whatever you do is the will of God, self-
esteem say, “I will do the will of God whatever it is.” Israel fell into the trap of an entitlement
mentality whereby they believed that God would bless whatever they did. In fact, since they were
“the chosen people,” God was obligated to bless them. Instead of seeking God’s will, they were
so confident in themselves that they thought whatever they did must be the will of God.8

Many Christians come to a place of low self-esteem because they believe that God will
bless their activity. They have lived sinfully, they have violated the known will of God, yet they
have believed that God would somehow make it His will.

When they have been unfaithful in marriage, cheated and lied in business dealings and in
family relationships they have assumed that because of their unique circumstances God would
approve. Pride assumes that God knows your unique circumstances and will make exceptions so
that your will is automatically the will of God. But true self-esteem is the result of seeking God’s
will rather than asking God to bless your will.

If you are a believer, you may not be experiencing healthy self-esteem because you are
still trying to build your worth by your actions. Allow yourself to enjoy grace, to recognize that
you are of worth because you are God’s child.

Self-Love

The term self-love is used in the sense of love for self in a prideful sense and also as a
healthy attitude toward self. The term may imply that you are to love what you yourself are by
nature, apart from God’s grace. While the non-Christian may recognize his worth because he is a
creation of God, which is a legitimate attitude, he may also feel good about himself for reasons
other than those borne in appreciation of God’s goodness. Therefore self-love is closely allied
with pride and may easily lead to self-worship. This is opposite of the joy that comes from being
“poor in spirit” (Matthew 5:3).
 47

Self-love that is understood in terms of one’s devotion to one’s own interest is

legitimate. In this sense you love yourself if you desire and strive for your own happiness. All
people love themselves in this sense. All people long to be happy as they seek to fulfill their
desires. Pascal, the French scientist, recognized this as he stated:

“All men seek happiness without exception. They all aim at this goal however
different the means they use to attain it. What makes those go to war and those
hide at home is this same desire which both classes cherish, though the point of
view varies. The will never makes the smallest move but with this as its goal. It
9
is the motive of all actions of all men, even of those who contemplate suicide.”

While not everyone agrees on where, or how, happiness is to be found, however they
understand it, they all long for happiness. Since each person has a hierarchy of values and desires
to attain the ones he considers highest, each person, therefore, loves himself.

Jesus Assumed Self-Love

Concern for one’s own wellbeing is the kind of self-love that Jesus was talking about
when He told His followers: “Love your neighbor as yourself” (Matthew 19:19; Leviticus 19:18).
Instead of commanding self-love, Jesus assumed it and made it the measure, the standard, of
how we are to love our neighbor: “Do to others what you would have them do to you” (Matthew
7:12).

Paul similarly argued that each husband should love his wife as himself: “After all, no
one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church”
(Ephesians 5:29). Self-love, in this sense, is deeply rooted and embedded in every person.
Because of this deep-rooted self-love Jesus commands you to be so transformed in your values
that you have the same concern for loving your neighbor as you do in seeking your own
happiness.10

Another way to understand self-love is in terms of the self esteem that you feels when
you looks at yourself, at your appearance, personality, abilities and affirms what you see. It is
this second kind of self-love that this study addresses.

Made in the Image or Likeness of God

Some Christians argue that it is wrong to love yourself, that you are a mere “unworthy
worm.” The Bible warns us that we should not “think of ourselves more highly than we ought”
(Romans 12:3). The point is rather that you must not seek your own honor at someone else’s
 48

expense and that you must be more concerned to honor or praise others than you are to have
others praise you. One is reminded of Romans 12:10, “Outdo one another in showing honor.”
The implication is that neither should we think less highly of ourselves than we ought. After all,
we are made in the image and likeness of God (Genesis 1:26-27). Since man is made in God’s
image, every human being is worthy of honor and respect. Man is the climax of God’s creative
activity, and God has “crowned him with glory and honor” and “made him ruler” over the rest of
His creation (Psalm 8:5-8).

The fact that man was created in the image and likeness of God (Genesis 1:26-27)
means that man is not just the product of a higher form of life in the endless evolutionary process;
He is the direct creation of God Himself. This means he is distinct from other animals and made
out of the dust of the ground by the power of the Almighty will (Genesis 3:15) as God breathed
into the dust “the breath of life” and became a living being (Genesis 3:15). Thus man is the apex
of God’s creation “fearfully and wonderfully made” (Psalm 139:14).

Because mankind is made in the image and likeness of God, there is a sense in which you
are like God. The image of God in humanity comprises those characteristics of God which make
worship, personal interaction, and work possible. Part of the image includes mankind’s call to
rule the earth and to have dominion over it. You are called to fill the earth and tend to it as you
reflect the character of God who righteously rules over the universe in justice and kindness.

Spiritually man is like God in that God who is Spirit communicates to man’s spirit
(Romans 8:15-16; 1 Corinthians 2:10-16). There is moral likeness in that man, like God, makes
moral decisions. There is a rational likeness in that man, like God, thinks and reasons. There is
emotional likeness in that, like God, man experiences the whole range of emotional feelings.
There is volitional likeness in that man, like God, exercises his will by making decisions and
choices. There is social likeness in that, like God, man is a social creature who lives in
relationship. There is physical likeness in that when God the Word became flesh He took on a
human body (Colossians 2:9; Hebrews 10:5,10) “in the likeness of man” (Philippians 2:7).

When God created Adam and Eve they were physically perfect in every detail. When sin
entered the cosmos, with it came sickness, defective genes, and all the pain and suffering of the
world.

Man is depraved in his very nature at birth even before he commits acts of sin (Psalm
51:5) because of the disobedience of Adam who represents all mankind (Romans 5:12-16;
I Corinthians 15:11,21). Because we are all sons of Adam’s race, we are estranged from our
Creator and have incurred divine wrath (Ephesians 2:3) with the result of spiritual and physical
death. It is our sin which has separated us from God who cannot look upon sin or have
 49

fellowship with sinful creatures (Isaiah 59:2; Hebrews 12:14). Being inwardly depraved, man is
dead in transgressions and sins (Ephesians 2:1-5; Colossians 2:13) and, apart from grace,
incapable of returning to God (I Corinthians 2:14; Galatians 2:16; 3:10,11,22; Ephesians 2:4-9).

Spiritual Helplessness and Worthlessness

Paul points out that you should “think of yourself with sober judgment . . .” (Romans
12:3). Some translators used the word “sane” instead of “sober.” The point is the same. To be
sober is to be in touch with reality whereas to be drunk is to lose touch with reality. If you are to
be sober or sane about your estimate of yourself, it means that you are to have a realistic
understanding of yourself, neither under-estimating nor over-estimating your strengths and
weaknesses.

It is a common mistake to confuse spiritual helplessness with worthlessness and self-

centeredness with self acceptance. The Greek word “ego” means “I”—myself as a person. Jesus
Himself had an ego. But He was neither ego-centered nor ego-rejecting. God’s mercy is
expressed not only by not destroying humanity but also by providing help for the helpless or
those unable to meet God’s standard of perfection on their own. God distinguishes between
ungodliness and worth. Bruce Narramore refereed to this when he said:

“The first thing I’d like to do is suggest that we need to understand the biblical
meaning of the concept of self. . . . The Greek word ego means I, the total
personality. . . . The ego is the whole man, the total person. . . . The flesh
theologically is the rebellious sin principle. . . . We fail sometimes to differentiate
between the self and the flesh, or the self and the old sin nature, or the self and
the old man. . . . They are distinctly different aspects of the human personality. . .
It’s clear that man has deeply fallen, but we tend to confuse righteousness and
value. You see, according to Scripture we can be of immense value and
worth to God, and still be very, very sinful. But sometimes we say since we
are totally depraved or totally sinful we are, therefore, worthless.”11
(Emphasis added)

The Bible is clear:

“We love, because He first loved us” (1 John 3:19; see also 3:11-4:21).

You not only love God in reciprocation, but you can love yourself because God
validates your worth simply by loving His creation without conditions attached.
 50

When Adam and Eve became painfully aware of what they had done, their first act was to
hide. And ever since that act, the human race has naturally tried to hide what is bad from God
and from itself. Ego defenses are fundamentally attempts to guard yourself from negative truth.
In the act of redemption and the continuing process of forgiveness, God’s grace allows you to
face the truth about yourself and allow the Holy Spirit to restore the relationship. Nevertheless,
because you are fallen, you will tend to use techniques designed to insulate you from truth and to
hide from God at times.

In addition to hiding, Adam and Even started to blame someone else. “Passing the buck”
started with Adam and Eve (Genesis 3:1-13). In their attempt to escape from the painful spotlight
of negative self-knowledge–that they were sinners–they escaped responsibility by breaking the
relationship with God. This attempt was both to escape judgment and to preserve positive self-
regard, even if the preservation was self-delusional. In our own day people characteristically
blame parents or circumstances that “determined” the way they are. As Narramore points out,

“The irony is that those who rely most heavily on such ego defenses are
characterized by extremely low self-esteem or extremely active compensation
in the form of arrogance. By blaming others and deluding themselves, they
block off the major sources of self-esteem found in positive relationships with
God and others.”12

Cain’s murder of Abel demonstrates the lengths to which attempts at self-justification and
preservation of self-regard can go.

Because self-esteem is based in interpersonal feedback, it is common for people to seek

out those who are similar and thus more positive to aid in self-evaluation and to avoid or get rid
of those who are not similar.8 Similarity breeds attraction, at least in part because it allows us to
receive feedback that confirms our way of thinking, feeling, and behaving. Making or at least
choosing, others in our own image helps us to maintain that self-image.13

Ronald Rottschafer point out that self-esteem and depression are interrelated.11 This is in
line with what the psalmist points out in Psalm 32:1-5 and 38. Lack of integrity, which is
evidenced by the covering up of sin, results in depression and, by implication, negative self-
esteem. Notice the result of David’s cover-up:

 His body wasted away

 His soul (psyche) was “cast down”
 His strength was sapped
 He was overcome by guilt
 51

The New Testament reminds us that a double-mined person is unstable in all his ways:

“he is a double-minded man, unstable in all he does. . . . Come near to God and
He will come near to you. Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts,
you double-minded” (James 1:8; 4:8).

When you hide your sin you end up with divided loyalty and the natural result is
instability in your faith, behavior and self-perception.14

Self-Esteem and Pride

Self as personality and self-centeredness as an expression of the flesh or sin-principle is

often confused in Christian circles. Ellison gives the following:

“Pride is characterized by an exaggerated desire to win the notice or praise of

others and the rigid taking of a superior position in which others’ opinions are
virtually never regarded as good as one’s own. Humility is characterized by
accurate self-appraisal, responsiveness to the opinions of others, and a willing-
ness to give praise to others before claiming it or one’s self. Biblically, pride is
expressed in attempts to claim glory due to God for one’s self and in the attempt
to justify one’s self in rejection of God’s redemptive process.

Pride, then, is based on an unwillingness to accept God’s moral judgment of us

as imperfect. Its dynamic is rooted in feelings of rejection or inferiority and
expressed in overcompensation aimed at becoming so superior that one can
delude himself into thinking he is perfect, without God. Pride may not be based
on conscious rejection of God, but may arise from a background of rejection
and the failure to be exposed to and experience God’s unconditional love.”15

Comparison of True Humility, Pride, and False Humility

True Humility Pride False Humility

1. Based in self-worth. 1. Based in self-doubt. 1. Based in self

deprecation.

2. Accepts both strengths 2. Denies weaknesses. 2. Rejects strengths.

and weaknesses.
 52

3. Is open to both positive 3. Is closed to corrective 3. Is closed to

and negative feedback. and negative feedback affirmation and
positive feedback.

4. Results in accurate appraisal. 4. Results in unrealistic 4. Results in unrealistic

appraisal (attitude of appraisal (attitude
superiority). of inferiority).16

Ellison summarizes his analysis this way:

“Whereas pride is inevitably connected with an achievement or power basis of

self-esteem, humility frees people from the bondage of striving to gain approval
by always looking superior in the eyes of others or themselves. The fundamental
dynamic behind humility is grace. The Scripture consistently emphasizes that
neither spiritual salvation nor human value are rooted in works. Rather, they are
founded upon grace. Fundamentally, there are two ways in which one can
gain and maintain self-esteem: the first is through power or achievement;
the second is through love and relationship.”17 (Emphasis added)

Richard Lovelace puts it:

“There is a legitimate and God-inspired sense of pride in self worth. But what we
see in magazines, like the one named Self, is something else; it is either rebellion
declaring itself, or despair whistling in the dark.”18

Self

Self-love then may mean self-worth or self-esteem in which you legitimately care for your
own wellbeing or it may mean an excessive regard for one’s own advantage. Self-sufficiency,
self-pride and self-indulgence and selfishness are natural manifestations of our “flesh,”our sinful
human nature:

 Self-sufficiency--In Proverbs 30:9 Agur says, “I may have too much and disown
You and say, ‘Who is the Lord’” Too much wealth tends to make God
insignificant.

Man worships the things that he makes (Romans 1:25). His sinful nature has made
him a materialist who in his pride is thoroughly enchanted by that which he can
touch, taste, see, hear and smell.
 53

Paul warns about the arrogance of “those who are rich in this present world” and
about “hope in wealth”–that false confidence in earthly treasure “which is so
uncertain” and can be here today, and gone tomorrow. How much better it is for
the rich to humbly “put their hope in God, who richly provides us with everything
for our enjoyment” (I Timothy 6:17).

 Self-pride–This is pride in one’s abilities, status and possessions. It is an inordinate

opinion of one’s own dignity, importance, merit or superiority.
It is exalting oneself and undervaluing all others in comparison. It is considering
any of our assets as our own achievement.

At Babel rebellious man undertook a united and godless effort to establish for
himself, by a titanic human enterprise, a world renown by which he would
dominate God’s creation (Genesis 11:8-12; II Samuel 18:18). If the whole human
race remained united in the proud attempt to take its destiny into its own hands
and, by its man-centered efforts, to seize the reins of history, there would be no
limit to its unrestrained rebellion against God. The kingdom of man would displace
and exclude the kingdom of God (Genesis 11:4). God counters man’s proud
undertaking by confusing their language and scattering them over the face of the
whole earth (Genesis 11:7-9). Even the greatest of human powers cannot defy God
and long survive

With riches it is very easy to take credit where no credit is due and to feel in
control of circumstances. This makes us think we are clever enough to plan our
own affairs. But James 4:14 points out that “you do not even know what will
happen tomorrow.”

 Self-indulgence--“We are living in a material world, and I am a material girl!”

sings a female rock star. In this world, the highest goal is material or physical
wellbeing. Those who embrace this philosophy live for the here and now, focusing
on the “good life” of comfort, health, money, possessions, friends, and a multitude
of things.

Our indulgent attitudes have given us a consumption ethic, focusing on buying

rather than saving, instant gratification rather than deferred pleasure and self-
sacrifice, and meeting needs rather than fulfilling duties.
 54

Greed makes us search for even bigger and better things to feed our appetites.
Jesus warns us in Matthew 6:24, “You cannot serve both God and Money.” And in
Luke 12:15 He says, “Watch out! Be on your guard against all kinds of greed; a
man’s life does not consist in the abundance of his possessions.”

 Selfishness–Selfishness is being devoted to or caring only for oneself. It is being

concerned primarily with one’s own interests, benefits, welfare, etc., regardless of
others. It manifests itself in various ways. It is looking out for No.1.

This is the implicit ethic of our economic system, which equates the good life with
financial success. This is the ethic of self-advancement at any cost. It is unbridled,
unrestrained competition and many want the field tilted in their favor.

Materially it means that the more we have, the more we think we need and want.
Acquiring riches becomes an endless game. We become like the rich fool in Luke
12:16-21, who said, in effect, “Barns! I need bigger barns!”

Materialism ultimately leads to a dead end of self-centeredness. “He who dies with
the most toys wins” is a hollow victory!

A Common Christian Distortion

Many Christians have been conditioned to believe that self-love is of the flesh and that self-
care and assertiveness are seen as self-centered and aggressive. By fearing that their appetites will
dominate them if they indulge them, they seek relief from their guilt and fear by denying
themselves while providing for others, by letting others abuse and exploit them as they turn the
other cheek, over and over again, and by giving while they refuse to receive in return. This is a
self-imposed martyrdom that leads to self-belittlement as the epitome of spiritual maturity and
godliness. It is living a life of “shoulds” in regard to the needs of others with little awareness of
their own needs.

A New Creature in Christ

Professor John Murray, in his Principles of Conduct, states that it is just as wrong to call
the believer both a new person and an old person as it is to say that he or she is both regenerate
and unregenerate.19 He goes on to say:

“The believer is a new man, a new creation, but he is a new man not yet made
perfect. Sin dwells in him still and he still commits sin. He is necessarily the
subject of progressive renewal . . . But this progressive renewal is not
 55

represented as the putting off of the old man and the putting on of the new,
nor is it to be conceived of as the progressive crucifixion of the old man.

It does mean the mortification of the deeds of the flesh and of all sin in heart
and life. But it is the renewal of the “new man” unto the attainment of that
glory for which he is destined, conformity to the image of God’s Son.”20

The basis for his comments are based upon

The New Testament concept of the new creation provides insight into the Christian self-
image. Paul affirmed:

“Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has passed

away, behold, the new has come” (2 Corinthians 5:17).

The Greek word ktisis can be translated either “creation” or “creature.” The primary
meaning of the passage is probably that the person who is in Christ is to be seen as a member of
God’s new creation. He or she belongs to the new age that was ushered in by Christ–a new age
that will be completed in the new heavens and the new earth from which all the consequences of
sin will have been removed and in which God will be all in all. Since believers now belong to
Christ’s new creation, you are to see yourselves as new creatures in Christ. Paul’s point is not
simply that you shall be new creatures some time in the distant future. Rather he says that if you
are in Christ, you are new creatures now–not yet totally new, but new.

Therefore the Christian life is not only a matter of believing something about Christ; it also
involves believing something about yourselves. Having a proper view of yourself, therefore, is an
aspect of your Christian faith. This means that failing to see yourself as a new creature in Christ is
a denial of your faith.

You are now a new creature. Some day your newness will be complete:

“Beloved, we are God’s children now, it does not yet appear what we shall be,
but we know that when He appears we shall be like Him, for we shall see Him
as He is” (1 John 3:2).

Rights and Responsibilities

A godly life is a balance between rights and responsibilities. Super-spirituality often

leads to abuse as Christians allow themselves to be exploited and victimized.
 56

Although Jesus was the most selfless person in the world, He guarded His rest and prayer
time (Luke 4:42), asked for assistance and support, said “No” to people, including family
members, pursued His mission despite domestic conflict, protected Himself from danger and set
limits to protect His mission. He did not feel guilty when expensive gifts were “wasted” on Him
(John 12:1-8). Jesus advised His disciples to get away from tending to others for a while and rest,
to be both wise and harmless (Matthew 10:16), and to stay at the homes of “worthy” people while
traveling to preach the good news of the Kingdom of God (Matthew 10:11). He taught on how to
confront a believer who sins against us (Matthew 18) and confronted situations, even when doing
so was likely to “hurt feelings” and even bring humiliation (Luke 13:17).

In His inquisition by the High Priest, we see Him struck by a frustrated officer. He turned
the other cheek, and then he squarely confronted the officer for his sin (John 18:22-23). For Jesus,
meekness never meant weakness. He never advocated that we should try to keep peace at all
costs. On the contrary, he stated that he did not come to earth to bring peace, but a sword
(Matthew 10:34). His motive in helping them was His compassion for them, not people-pleasing,
fear of rejection or a thirst for power.

Jesus was secure in His Father’s love. He was aware of His rights and responsibilities
and exercised them both, as needed. He knew His power, accepted it and used it as he was led by
His Father.

When your needs are met through your relationship with the Lover of your soul, you are
less likely to turn to counterfeit lovers such as addictions to substances, things or people. When
you love yourself in this biblical way, then you are also able to relate to others more and more
honestly and deeply. By loving yourself you will be able to interact without taking out on others
frustrations that erupt from inner conflicts. When you satisfy your legitimate hungers and work
through your hurts, you are more at peace and better able to tune into others’ needs and to
selflessly reach out to them. This frees them to be themselves.

This does not mean that God does not ask you at times to sacrifice yourself for the sake
of others and put their needs above some of your own. However, the apostle John points to a
process with the analogy of progressing from being children, to becoming young men and, lastly,
fathers (1 John 2:12-14). His point is that you need to realize that spiritual growth, like all kinds
of development, takes place in stages. Genuine self-sacrifice is not realistic from an immature
infant in Christ. But as you mature in your walk with God, you will come to a place of fullness in
which you become more available to sacrificially and selflessly love others.
 57

V. PARADISE LOST
 58

“Some conjurors say that three is the magic number, and some say number
seven. It’s neither, my friend, neither. It’s number one.”1
–Charles Dickens

“That favorite subject, Myself.”2

–James Boswell

“There is no smaller package than a person all wrapped up in himself.”3

–Peter C. Moore

“He who conquers himself is the mightiest warrior.”4

–Confucius

“The true value of a human being can be found in degrees to which he has
attained liberation from the self.”5
–Albert Einstein

Before the Fall, when Adam and Eve were still in the state of integrity, it is reasonable to
presume that they felt positively about themselves. Since they had not sinned against their Maker,
they were not aware of any guilt. Neither would there have been any feelings of guilt since they
had sinned against each other. Genesis 2:25 gives us a picture of a state of perfect harmony:

“the man and his wife we’re both naked, and they felt no shame” (Genesis 2:28).

No guilt! No shame!

Freedom from shame signifies moral innocence.

The Perversion of the Self-Image

At the time of the Fall there occurred a twofold perversion of man’s image. First, the Fall
was preceded by pride which manifested itself with man’s dissatisfaction with who he was. This is
why Satan tempted him with the notion that he could be “like God” and thus independent—
“knowing good and evil”(Genesis 3:5). Genesis 3 tells us that Satan, speaking through the
serpent, told Eve that if she were to eat the forbidden fruit her eyes would be opened, and she
would be like God.
 59

Even gave in to the temptation:

“When the woman saw that the fruit of the tree was good for food and pleasing
to the eye, and also desirable for gaining wisdom, she took some and ate it. She
also gave some to her husband, who was with her, and he ate it” (Genesis 3:6).

In disobeying God’s clear command not to eat of the tree of the knowledge of good and
evil, our first parents virtually put themselves above God, taking it into their own hands to decide
what was right and what was wrong. This act revealed their sinful pride: it meant that they were
“thinking of themselves more highly” than they ought (Romans 12:3). This first perversion was a
perversion in an upward direction.

The second perversion was a perversion in a downward direction in which Adam and Eve
experienced shame:

“then the eyes of both of them were opened, and they realized they were naked.”
(Genesis 3:7)

No longer innocent like children, they had a new awareness of themselves and of each
other in their nakedness and shame. Adam revealed his sense of shame when he responded to
God’s call by saying,

”I heard You in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked; so I hid.”
(Genesis 3:10)

Shame now revealed itself in fear—Adam was afraid of God. Instead of owning up to
what he had done—sinned against his Maker—he said, “I was afraid because I was naked.” Here
we see shame coupled with an attempt to cover up guilt. And instead of fearing God because of
what he had sinned, he feared God because he was naked. It was fear of the consequences of sin
rather than sin itself.

Ever since the Fall man has tended to have too high an opinion of himself. Augustine said
it long ago: pride is the root sin of man. Apart from the grace of God, human beings tend to think
of themselves as autonomous, as a law to themselves. Human nature has an exaggerated sense of
self-importance and prides itself of its own achievements.

One of the most dramatic examples of this attitude is King Nebuchanezzar who, while
walking on the roof of his royal palace, said,
 60

“Is not this the great Babylon I have built as the royal residence, by my mighty
power and for the glory of my majesty?” (Daniel 4:30)

The other perversion of man is his tendency to look down on himself, think of himself as
worthless, despise himself, and even hate himself. Criminologists report that most criminals have
negative self-images. Their violence is the manifestation of their hatred of themselves and society.
But this phenomenon is not limited to criminals. Psychiatrists, psychologist, and pastoral
counselors report that a great many of their counselees come to them with inferiority feelings and
negative self-images. Carl Rogers, the well-know proponent of client-centered therapy, puts it this
way:

“The central core of difficulty in people as I have come to know them . . . is that
in the great majority of cases they despised themselves, regard themselves as
worthless and unlovable.”6 (Emphasis added)

Referring to God’s creation considerably after the Fall, the psalmist speaks with awe about
both the Lord God and his creation:

“What is man that thou are mindful of him, and the son of man that thou dost care
for him? Yet You have made him a little less than God, and crowned him with
glory and honor” (Psalm 8:4-5).

Redemption

The tense used with reference to God’s evaluation implies a present, continuing act. Even
after the Fall, God continues to “crown man with glory and honor.” An even more convincing
basis for human worth is found in the act of redemption. God did not turn away from us in disgust
and consider us worthless once we had sinned. Rather, He sacrificed his Son for us while we were
still very much his enemies! (Romans 5:8,10). It might be argued that this simply reflects God’s
incredible mercy because he loved us when we were told that Christ died for the ungodly while we
were still helpless, not worthless.

The Renewal of the Self-Image

In spite of the gravity of man’s defamed image from God, God by his Spirit is able to
renew us. He does this by enabling us to renounce sinful pride and to cultivate true humility. This
includes, among other things, an honest awareness of both our strengths and weaknesses, so as to
give us a realistic image of ourselves (Romans 12:3). Furthermore, humility includes a readiness
 61

to consider others better than ourselves (Philippians 2:3)—that is, to be more eager to praise
others than to have others praise us. This humility also involves a recognition that all our gifts
and talents come from God, thus pulling out pride by the roots.

Paul puts it very vividly:

 “What do you have that you did not receive? And if you did receive it,
why do you boast as though you did not?” (1 Corinthians 4:7).

 “Not that we are competent to claim anything for ourselves, but our
competence comes from God” (2 Corinthians 3:5).

Humility means a willingness to use our gifts in the service of God and in the service of
others. When we look at our gifts in this way, we shall always realize that we could have used
them far more unselfishly than we actually did. This will save us from a self-image that is
inordinately high.

Servanthood

The biblical concept of servanthood is another contributor to self-esteem. Paul’s primary

self-concept as a believer was that of a doulos, or bond servant. Because he identified himself as
God’s servant, Paul’s concern was God’s evaluation rather than social comparison:

“I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith. Now
there is in store for me the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the
righteous Judge, will award to me on that day–and not only to me, but also to
all who have longed for His appearing” (2 Timothy 4:7-8).

Paul was not burdened down by the anxiety and destructive impact of negative evaluation
from others because his concern was affirmation by God. This made his work special. Everything
he did he did with a purpose . . . to please God. The more you identify with God and His purposes
the freer you are from the more transient and unpredictable feedback of others. This does not
mean that what others think is unimportant, but it does mean that you are not dependent on their
views, their affirmation.

A Place of Affirmation

As a believers you are repeatedly instructed not to judge or condemn, to be patient, and to
consider your own sins and weaknesses (Matthew 7:1-2; Galatians 6:1-2; Ephesians 4:2-3;
Colossians 3:12-14). Such an orientation is crucial if a church county is to build and encourage
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positive self-esteem in its members. The Christian community, then, is to be a place of

affirmation. Love is to outstrip judgment as each person is affirmed and encouraged to be an
integral part of the community and use his or her spiritual gifts (Romans 12:5-8; Ephesians 4:11-
13).
 63

VI. POSITIVE AND NEGATIVE SELF-CONCEPTS

AND HOW THEY AFFECT YOUR BEHAVIOR
 64

“Acceptance of one’s intrinsic worth is the core of the personality. When it

collapses, everything else begins to quiver.”1
–James Dobson

With the evangelical emphasis that all have sinned and that none can save oneself,
therefore self-love is viewed with great suspicion. After all, is it not easily debased into avarice,
envy, greed and other works of the flesh that are contrary to the fruit of the Spirit (Galatians 5:16-
36)? Such an emphasis upon “total depravity” has trumped the dignity of human beings as created
in the image of God, kept as the apple of God’s eye (Psalm 17:8) and crowned with kingly glory
and honor to be ruler over all things (Genesis 1:28; Hebrews 2:5-8).2

According to the spirit of the age, the failure to esteem oneself is the ultimate sin. Self-
abasement, not God-abasement, is the evil.3 Although failing to honor God is our greatest failure,
failure to recognize man’s dignity is also a failure and leads to all kinds of psychological and
spiritual problems.

The plethora of research that has been devoted to self-esteem is no doubt attributable to
the great relevance of self-esteem for emotional disturbance.4 The gratifications from living
according to accepted standards that people enjoy usually are the standards of their society. 5 This
is rooted in the struggle for self-respect. Self-esteem is so crucial to our wellbeing that when it is
threatened by events leading to development of negative self-images, mental illness may result.
Self-depreciation or “psychological self-mutilation” is a major link to neurosis when there is a
pattern of negative reinforcement.6

Moberg gives the following insights into the utterly important place positive input plays in
people’s lives:

“Possibly the most important single objective of the various psychoanalytic defense
mechanisms (rationalization, projection, compensation, displacement or scape-
goating, reaction formation, repression, etc) is to defend self-conceptions and
especially to protect self-esteem. Self delusion sometimes may seem the only
alternative to complete apathy, depression, or suicide. Maintaining the integrity
and value of the self at the cost of partial loss of contact with reality can be
viewed as a form of “adjustment” that separates a person from the stark reality of
a life situation in which there can be no self-satisfying action to bring some degree
of recognition by others.7 (Emphasis added)
 65

Self-delusion is preferable to reality that fails to contribute positive feedback to one’s view
of self. If no one else will affirm us, then we will affirm ourselves, even if it is unrealistic.

In fact, studies show that “Wholesome self-images can insulate people against delinquent
behavior.”8 LeRoy Gruner claims that

“. . . the most important explanation for the unusually high level of success of
the Teen Challenge program in re-socializing drug addicts, criminals, juvenile
delinquents, prostitutes, alcoholics, and other deviants is the change in
self-concept that occurs as training center students realize that they are whole
persons with inherent worth. The inner change produces a feeling of success
and a realistic self-image.”9 (Emphasis added)

That is, our conception of self makes us what we are. Outward appearances are often less
important than inner orientations. Solomon emphasizes the heart in his counsel:

“Keep you heart with all diligence; for out of it are the issues of life” (Proverbs 4:23).

The heart is the center of the human spirit or being, including mind, will and emotions. It is
the heart from which spring not only emotions and thought, but also motivations, courage and
action–“the wellspring of life.” Therefore the integration of self is only possible when we hold
proper values.

Solomon also pointed out,

“As water reflects a face, so a man’s heart reflects the man” (Proverbs 27:19).

The condition of a man’s heart indicates his true character.

Positive and Negative Self-Concepts

Bruce Narramore suggests the following four basic components of a positive self-concept
and compares them with the ingredients of a negative view of self.

Positive Self-Concept Negative Self-Concept

Sense of Significance Feeling of Badness,

and Worth Worthlessness
 66

Attitude of Confidence Anxiety and Feelings of

Inferiority

Feelings of Security Insecurity and Worry

Awareness of Being Loved Loneliness, Isolation and

Depression10

Your self-image will determine your actions. If you think of yourself as worthless you
will act accordingly. If in your innermost being you reject yourself, you will reject others
also. Self-rejection leads to others-rejection. You tend to project upon others your own self-
contempt. Love of others, on the other hand, springs from love for self.

You can esteem others only as much as you esteem yourself. Love for self is basic to
any healthy relationship.

A true love for self, a genuine self-acceptance, a healthy self-esteem, and a sense of
respect and dignity fosters a sense of well-being. This need for self-love is so fundamental and
essential that, if it is not met, everything else would be tragically affected. William Glasser, author
and founder of “Reality Therapy,” says that all psychological problems, from the slightest
neuroses to the deepest psychosis, are merely symptoms of the frustration of the fundamental need
for a sense of personal worth. Self-esteem is the basic element in the health of any human
personality.

It should be obvious that a positive self-concept is not only biblical but enhances a
person’s life all around. Is it any wonder that G. K. Chesterton perceptively stated:

“The crimes of the devil who thinks himself of great value are as nothing compared
11
to the crimes of that devil who thinks himself of no value at all.”

To depreciate who you are is to depreciated the Creator who made you!

Varying Degrees

Self-worth or self-esteem, of course, is not a characteristic that you either have or lack,
but rather a quality you possess in varying degrees. If you have a high level of self-esteem you
feel that you are a person of worth and have a healthy respect for who you are. This does not
mean that you are perfect. Rather it means that you are able realistically to assess your limitations
 67

and strengths and take a positive view toward yourself and your life. To have low self-esteem is to
have a negative opinion of yourself whereby you question your worth as a person and feel over-
whelmed by your limitations.

A positive self-image is crucial to the effectiveness of your life as a Christian! The old
adage is true:

“We are not what we think we are; we are not what others think we are;
we are what we think others think we are.”

Your self-image is important because you behave the way you look at yourself. You act
and relate to other people according to what you think and feel about yourself. Psychologists and
theologians are agreed on this. The Bible said long ago:

“What a man thinks is really what he is” (Proverbs 23:7).

The Effects of Self-Image

Research confirms personal experience when it shows that people with a positive sense of
self-worth are more able to

 Give and receive love

 Better adjusted and less anxious
 More curious and show higher intellectual achievement
 More positive about other people
 More likely to become leaders
 More successful in forming and keeping close friendships

More satisfied with life and more likely to have a positive relationship with God.12

In his book His Image My Image Josh McDowell points out that persons with a negative
self-image view life from any number of the following perceived factors and motivations:

1. Pessimistic outlook on life

2. Lack of confidence in social skills
3. Extreme sensitivity to the opinions of other people
4. Self-consciousness about appearance, performance or status 1
5. A view of other people as competition to beat, not friends to enjoy
6. A sense of masculinity or femininity felt only through sexual conquest
 68

7. A striving to become something or somebody instead of relaxing and

enjoying who they are
8. A view of the present as something to be pushed aside, focusing instead
on past achievements or future dreams
9. Fear of God or belief that He is uninterested or angry with them
10. A habit of mentally rehashing past conversations or situations, wondering
what the other person meant
11. A critical and judgmental view of others
12. Defensiveness in behavior and conversations
13. An attitude of carding a chip on their shoulder
14. Use of anger as a defense to keep from betting hurt
15. A tendency to develop clinging relationships
16. Inability to accept praise
17. Self-defeating habits and behaviors
18. A habit of letting others “walk” on them
19. Fear of being alone
20. Fear of intimacy, because it might lead to rejection or a smothering relationship
21. A problem in believing or accepting God’s love or the love of another person’
22. Dependence on material possessions for security
23. Inability to express emotions
24. A habit of using negative labels in referring to themselves
25. Anticipation or worry that the worst will happen
26. A tendency to follow the crowd and avoid independent behavior.
27. Perfectionistic behavior regarding details
28. Perpetually rigid, legalistic and ritualistic preferences in worship
29. Interpretation of their world as hostile and overpowering.
30. A shifting of responsibility to others for unwanted or negative situations or feeling
31. Need for lots of structure and external control in life
32. Overly sensitive conscience.13

There are basic emotional needs that all human beings have in common such as

1. The need to feel loved—to have a sense of belonging and security.

2. The need to feel accepted—to have a sense of worth, that they are important.
3. The need to feel adequate—to have a sense of competence, that they can contribute.
4. The need to feel purposeful—to have a sense of meaning, that they matter and what
they do matters.
 69

A survey by The Gallup Organization, Inc. of 1,484 adults, 18 years and over revealed the
following information concerning the effects of self-esteem:

 High self-esteem people tend to have fewer health problems than low self-esteem
people and to experience fewer problems related to stress.

 High self-esteem people have had a closer relationship with their parents than have
low self-esteem people.

 High self-esteem people tend to be more involved in charitable activities than do low
self-esteem people.

 High self-esteem people say they have been more productive in terms of their goals over
the last 12 months than do their counterparts.

 High self-esteem people tend to measure success in terms of personal relationships, while
low self-esteem people tend to measure success in terms of material rewards.

 High self-esteem people are more likely to see God in personal terms (i.e., as loving,
caring, or forgiving) than are low self-esteem people.14

Ruth Senter makes the point in the following article that “Good Things happen when you
feel good about who you are.”15

While Robert Schuller was writing his book, Self-Esteem: The New Reformation, he asked
George Gallup Jr., of the Gallup organization, to conduct a poll on the self-esteem of the
American public (1980-1981). The poll conclusively demonstrated that people with a strong sense
of self-esteem demonstrate the following qualities:

1. They have a high moral and ethical sensitivity.

2. They have a strong sense of family
3. They are far more successful in interpersonal relationships
4. Their perspective of success is viewed in terms of interpersonal relationships, not in crass
materialistic terms.
5. They are far more productive on the job.
6. They are far lower in incidents of chemical addictions.
(In view of the fact that current research studies show that 80 percent of all suicides are
related to alcohol and drug addiction, this becomes terribly significant).
 70

7. They are more likely to get involved in social and political activities in their community.
8. The are far more generous to charitable institutions and give faro more generously to relief
causes.16

The people with a positive self-esteem demonstrate the qualities of personal character that
are commendable.

Unfortunately, the poll makes undeniably clear that the churches do not contribute to the
self-esteem of persons. Only 35 percent of Protestants interviewed reflected a strong self-esteem.
Thirty-nine percent of Catholics interviewed demonstrated a strong self-esteem. In the “other
faiths” category, 40 percent of those interviewed demonstrated a strong self-esteem.17

“Nobody’s A Nobody”

“If you like yourself, you can be open with others. If you don’t like yourself, you become like a
wall with no door. Others never know what’s on the other side.

If you like yourself, you’ll be kind to yourself. Allow yourself to make mistakes now and then.
To have lapses. To be less than perfect. If you don’t like yourself, you become your own tyrant,
expecting unreasonable, impossible things from yourself.

If you like yourself, you go to bed at night and remember what you’ve done right during the day.
If you don’t like yourself, you think only about how you blew it again.

If you like yourself, you don’t always have to be right. You listen and respect the opinions of
others. You even decide to do what they suggest if their plan makes more sense. If you don’t like
yourself, you have to dig in and stand your ground. You feel your reputation is at stake.

If you like yourself, you ask questions and find out about other people. If you don’t like yourself,
you have to do all the talking.

If you like yourself, you assume that others want to be with you. If you don’t like yourself, you
see only fences and think others have built them to keep you out.

If you like yourself, being alone now and then isn’t the worst thing in the world. If you don’t like
yourself, you always need to be with someone.

If you like yourself, you talk about your strengths and weaknesses. If you don’t like yourself,
you’re afraid to let people see either.
 71

If you like yourself, you take what others tell you about yourself and evaluate it: Is it true? Do
they have all the facts? How well do they know me? Can I trust them? If you don’t like yourself,
you believe everything anyone tells you about yourself. You assume their opinions are smarter
than yours anyhow.

If you like yourself, you laugh at yourself and allow others to laugh with you. If you don’t like
yourself, you assume others are laughing at you. You are always checking to make sure your slip
is not showing or your zipper is not open.

If you like yourself, you take people at face value. You assume if there is something about you
that is bugging them, they’ll let you know. If you don’t like yourself, you read into other people’s
actions and words. “He’s trying to get rid of me. He didn’t call back.” “She thinks I’m stupid.
Did you see her roll her eyes?”

If you like yourself, you stick up for yourself. Voice you opinions. Tell someone your thoughts
and feelings. If you don’t like yourself, you don’t speak up even when you have been wronged.
You suffer silently.

If you like yourself, you ask others to help you figure out what you can’t figure out for yourself.
If you don’t like yourself, you try to handle it on your own.

If you don’t like yourself, you apologize when you are wrong. If you don’t like yourself, you
apologize even when you’re not wrong. Or, you refuse to apologize at all.

If you like yourself, you notice other’s strengths and think how fortunate for the world that
they’ve been born. If you don’t like yourself, others’ strengths remind you of your weaknesses.

If you like yourself, you say, “I’ve never done that before, but I’ll try.” If you don’t like yourself,
you say, “I can’t do that. I know I’d fail.”

If you like yourself, when you are in a group you think: What a great group. What a fun time. If
you don’t like yourself, when you are in a group all you do is worry about what they think of you.

If you like yourself, you give to others and don’t worry what you’ll get in return. If you don’t
like yourself, you check out what’s in it for you before you get involved.
 72

If you like yourself, you are more likely to detect what it is that makes you feel badly about
yourself. Then you give it your best effort to stop doing it. If you don’t like yourself, even if you
do know what makes you feel badly about yourself, you keep right on doing it. “I can’t help
myself,” you say.

If you like yourself, you think about how much God loves you. When you read the Bible, you
notice how many verses talk about your value. So, go ahead. Like yourself. It is a gift you give
yourself. It is also a gift you give others. Most of all, it is a gift of praise you give to God.”18

Liking yourself doesn’t mean you approve everything about yourself, but it does mean that
you are at peace with who you are.

Closeness To God Is Key

This study also reveals that outward religious participation, such as attending church and
engaging in prayer—religiosity—does not have a significant impact on one’s self-esteem or sense
of self-worth. It is one’s feelings of closeness to God—spirituality—that is the key factor.

This study shows that 37% of adults can be classified as having high self-esteem, 33% as
having average self-esteem and 30% as having low self-esteem.

Those most likely to have high self-esteem are white people, people with a college
background, married persons and those between the ages of 30 and 49. By religious affiliation, the
high-esteem people are 35% Protestant and 39% Catholic, according to a Gallup poll.

A person simply cannot be happy with life in general so long as he is unhappy with
himself. Self-rejection is a major cause of unhappiness in our day. Because of our dissatisfaction
toward ourselves—the way we look and the way we act, we easily build pent-up resentment
which can cause serious inner conflicts and deeply affect our personality.

Self-Consciousness

As a youngster I would sometimes play around the house while my friends went
swimming. They couldn’t understand why, since they knew I enjoyed swimming. The reason was
that I have a birthmark on my leg that I became terribly self-conscious about. Rather than
accepting myself as I was, birthmark and all, I would often withdrew.
 73

Others may be timid and shy, unable to relax except among a few close friends, because
they have become extremely self-conscious about their noses which seem slightly crooked or their
ears that protrude a little. Self-rejection over minor defects often affects a person’s whole
personality.
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VII. A FALSE SYSTEM OF VALUES

 75

“Poised somewhere between sinful vanity and self-destructive submissiveness

is a golden mean of self-esteem appropriate to the human condition.”1

Jesus told his followers:

“Blessed are the poor in spirit (the humble), for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are those who mourn for they will be comforted.
Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth” (Matthew 5:3-5).

How different from the world’s beatitudes which state:

“Blessed are the handsome men and beautiful women.

Blessed are the gifted, elegant, rich and powerful people.
Blessed are the intellectual and athletic people—the whole world belongs to them.”

To the question, “What is the ultimate hunger of human beings?” psychologists and
psychiatrists have given the following answers:

 The will to experience pleasure–Sigmund Freud, the father of psychoanalysis.

 The will to achieve power–Alfred Adler
 The will to find meaning–Victor Frankl
 The will to experience self-actualization (one’s potential)–Abraham Maslow
 The will to love–Erich Fromm
 The will to create–Rollo May

Probably the main cause of low self-esteem is the acceptance of a totally false system of
values. To the Pharisees ”. . . who were justifying themselves in the eyes of men,” Jesus replied:

“What is highly valued among men is detestable in God’s sight” (Luke 16:15).

What are these detestable things?

MATERIALISM

In 1923 eight of the world's most successful financiers met at the Edgewater Beach Hotel
in Chicago.
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Present at this important meeting were:

• The president of the largest independent steel company.

• The president of the largest utility company.
• The greatest wheat speculator.
• The president of the New York Stock Exchange.
• A member of the President's Cabinet.
• The greatest "bear" (businessman) on Wall Street.
• The president of the Bank for International Settlements.
• The head of the world's greatest monopoly.

Collectively these tycoons controlled more wealth than there was in the U.S. Treasury, and
for years newspapers and magazines had been printing their success stories and urging the youth
of the nation to follow their examples. Twenty-five years later let's see what happened to these
men.

The president of the largest independent steel company—Charles Schwab Sr.—lived on

borrowed money the last five years of his life and died broke.

The greatest wheat speculator—Arthur Cutten—died abroad, insolvent (unable to satisfy

creditors or discharge liabilities).

The president of the New York Stock Exchange—Richard Whitney—ended up in Sing

Sing prison for his corrupt financial practices.

The member of the President's Cabinet—Albert Fall—was pardoned from prison so he

could die at home.

The greatest "bear" in Wall Street—Jesse Livermore—committed suicide.

The president of the Bank for International Settlements—Leon Fraser—committed

suicide.

The head of the world's greatest monopoly—Ivar Krueger—committed suicide.2

Obviously, materialism did not bring fulfillment and satisfaction in life.

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THE EXAMPLE OF SOLOMON

There is a short book in the Bible, in the Old Testament, called the book of Ecclesiastes
which tells about a man by the name of Solomon who shares his experiences in trying to find
meaning and purpose—satisfaction—in life.

Solomon was the King of Israel when Israel was at the peak of her power. Solomon
vowed that he would try all the experiences of life to see what satisfies. Then he would tell
everyone what his conclusion was.

The Bible tells us a lot about Solomon. In fact, more space is given to Solomon than any
other king in the Bible. The Bible states that Solomon had the greatest knowledge of any man,
not only of his generation, but of any man that ever lived except one—and that one was Christ.
Solomon testified in Ecclesiastes 1:

"Look, I have grown and increased in wisdom more than anyone who has ruled
over Jerusalem before me; I have experienced much of wisdom and knowledge."
(v. 16)

He not only had knowledge, but he also had wisdom, because in his prayer to God upon
his becoming king of Israel, he prayed for wisdom and God gave him extraordinary wisdom.

WISDOM

Then Solomon said that he would seek for satisfaction in life through wisdom but testified:

"I applied myself to the understanding of wisdom, and also of madness and folly,
but I learned that this, too, is a chasing after the wind. For with much wisdom
comes much sorrow; and more knowledge, the more grief" (Ecclesiastes 1:17-18).

There is a North American saying which states:

"Ignorance is bliss."

This is what Solomon, the wisest man that ever lived, said. How can this be? For the
simple reason that the more we know the more we become aware the complexity and misery of
the world. Knowledge and wisdom bring us an awareness and understanding of the miserable
conditions of the world that others are shielded from.
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Solomon also pointed out:

"I saw that wisdom is better than folly, just as light is better than darkness. The
wise man has eyes in his head, while the fool walks in the darkness; but I came to
realize that the same fate overtakes them both.

"Then I thought in my heart,

"The fate of the fool will overtake me also. What then do I gain by being wise?
I said in my heart, 'This too is meaningless.' For the wise man, like the fool,
Will not be long remembered; in days to come both will be forgotten. Like
the fool, the wise man too must die!" (Ecclesiastes 2:13-16).

Solomon started out this pursuit for satisfaction in life by stating:

"Meaningless, meaningless! Utterly meaningless! Everything is meaningless."

(Ecclesiastes 1:2)

Solomon now found that this was also true of wisdom; even wisdom which certainly is a
good thing. Yet it has its limitations. For it is limited by man's understanding. Solomon couldn't
find the answer to the riddles and the puzzles of life in wisdom and in knowledge.

This is the reason why most educated people are dissatisfied with life. They are still
searching through their knowledge, wisdom, and education—to find satisfaction.

Billy Graham shares with us that when one of the greatest mathematicians in the U.S. sat
in his hotel room he said,

"If I don't find an answer to the purpose and the reason of my existence, I'm going
to commit suicide."

He added,

"My family life is a mess. My own life is a mess. I'm already on drugs seeking an escape."

Here's a man who is known all over the world for his great knowledge of mathematics, but
something was missing inside.
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The Queen of Sheba came to see Solomon, and after she had sat at his feet for awhile, she
said, "The half has not been told." Yet Solomon said, "I don't find life's satisfaction in knowledge
and wisdom."

This is what the Bible teaches. The Bible says that you cannot find God through wisdom
and knowledge. You could search for God all your life and be the most brilliant man in the world
and still not find God because the Bible says that our minds have been affected by sin. In fact, we
are born with a tendency toward sin, toward evil. We are born into this world with a sinful human
nature. We may keep our sin and evil under control so that we don't become criminals, but the
Bible points out that all of us have the tendency toward jealousy, lust, greed, lying, selfishness,
and pride, and we try to escape it all through education.

While education is basically a good thing, it has its limitations. For man is a trinity.
Therefore he has a mind that needs educating, but he is also a body that needs physical food and
exercise, and he is a spirit that needs spiritual nurture. The crisis in North America, and I believe,
the world, is the crisis, not of mind and body, but of the spirit.

The Bible states,

"The god of this world has blinded the minds of those who do not believe."
(2 Corinthians 4:4)

Sin has affected not only our spirits, but also our minds. It has affected our intellectual
process so that through the intellect alone we cannot find God. Then how do you find God? You
find God by faith, simple childlike faith. That's the reason that an uneducated person can find
God. He may never have been in a college or even in high school. But he has a simple faith. And
therefore he has answers to many of the problems of life that the professors at the university don't
have—because he has a simple childlike faith in God.

PLEASURE

Solomon not only tried wisdom, but he also pursued pleasure. He testifies:

"I thought in my heart, 'Come now, I will test you with pleasure to find out what
is good" (Ecclesiastes 2:1).

If anyone ever tried pleasure, Solomon did. As a wealthy, prosperous king, Solomon had
everything—every conceivable way to enjoy pleasure. His swimming pool was flanked by 12 lions
of gleaming bronze, and the Bible points out that the scenery "dazzled" the eyes of all who saw it.
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He drank the finest wines from golden goblets. He had 700 wives and 3,000 concubines. Talk
about sex, sensual pleasure! He had it all. With every imaginable device of pleasure and lust at his
fingertips, Solomon sat out under the stars one night and contemplated it all, and he said:

"But that also proved to be meaningless. 'Laughter,' I said, 'is foolish. And what
does pleasure accomplish?' I tried cheering myself with wine, and embracing folly—
my mind still guiding me with wisdom. I wanted to see what was worthwhile for
men to do under heaven during the few days of their lives" (Ecclesiastes 2:2-3).

Job said similarly:

"Though evil is sweet in his mouth and he hides it under his tongue, though he
cannot bear to let it go and keeps it in his mouth, yet his food will turn sour in
his stomach; it will become the venom of serpents within him. He will spit
out the riches he swallowed; God will make his stomach vomit them up. He
will suck the poison of serpents; the fangs of an adder will kill him" (Job 20:12-16).

The apostle Paul writing to a young pastor by the name of Timothy wrote:

"She who lives for pleasure is dead while she lives" (1 Timothy 5:6).

You can have pleasure for the body, and the soul can be empty and sick. This is exactly
what is happening to many of our people today at all economic levels.

WORK

The third thing Solomon tried in order to find fulfillment was work. Have you heard the
slogan of the workaholic? "Thank God, it's Monday!"

Solomon, however, found that work did not satisfy the inner longings of his heart. He
testifies:

"So I hated life, because the work that is done under the sun was grievous to me.
All of it is meaningless, a chasing after the wind. I hated all the things I had
toiled for under the sun, because I must leave them to the one who comes after
me. And who knows whether he will be a wise man or a fool? Yet he will have
control over all the work into which I have poured my effort and skill under the
sun. This too is meaningless. . . .
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What does a man get for all the toil and anxious striving with which he labors
under the sun? All his days his work is pain and grief; even at night his mind
does not rest. This too is meaningless" (Ecclesiastes 2:17-19,22-23).

Work, like anything else, is limited in its benefits. While it is necessary, it is not the thing
that will bring happiness and satisfaction into life. Workaholics can testify to the bondage that
work brings to those who make it their god. While we are to work, we are also to rest. And our
work must be done "as unto the Lord." Why? So it will have enduring value.

RICHES

The fourth thing Solomon checked out to try to find satisfaction was riches. He put it:

"Whoever loves money never has money enough; whoever loves wealth is never
satisfied with his income. This too is meaningless" (Ecclesiastes 5:10).

Rockefeller, one of the richest persons in the U.S., was once asked how much money it
would take to make him happy. This multimillionaire answered:

"Just a little bit more."

That is the typical answer. No matter how much money we may have, we always want
"just a little bit more."

You need to realize that the person writing—Solomon—was one of the richest persons
this world has ever known. His income was staggering. The Bible states that "the weight of gold
that Solomon received yearly was 666 talents, not including the revenues from merchants and
traders and from all the Arabian kings and the governors of the land" (1 Kings 10:14-15). Each
talent was worth about $30,000 in that day and so his take-home pay was about $10,950,000 per
year. This 10th chapter of I Kings lists all his riches--it is an amazing account.

Yet Solomon points out the futility of amassing riches:

"As goods increase, so do those who consume them. And what benefit are they
to the owner except to feast his eyes on them?

The sleep of a laborer is sweet, whether he eats little or much, but the abundance
of a rich man permits him no sleep" (Ecclesiastes 5:10-12).

Then Solomon points out the harm of riches:

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"I have seen a grievous evil under the sun: wealth hoarded to the harm of its
owner, or wealth lost through some misfortune, so that when he has a son
there is nothing left for him" (Ecclesiastes 5:13-14).

Solomon then ends philosophically:

"Naked a man comes from his mother's womb, and as he comes, so he departs.
He takes nothing from his labor that he can carry in his hand.

This too is a grievous evil: As a man comes, so he departs, and what does he
gain, since he toils for the wind? All his days he eats darkness, with great
frustration, affliction and anger" (Ecclesiastes 5:15-17).

The unhappiest people are not necessarily those who live in ghettos because they are
financially poor. Rather, many of the most miserable people are those who live in the suburbs,
those who belong to the affluent crowd because they have been trying to get pleasure through
materialism alone, and it won't work. The Bible states:

"A little that a righteous man has is better than the riches of the wicked."
(Proverbs 37:16)

As someone wisely pointed out,

"He who provides for this life, but takes no care for eternity, is wise for a
moment but a fool forever."
--Tillotson
Jesus in warning against greed said:

"Watch out! Be on your guard against all kinds of greed; a man's life does not
consist in the abundance of his possessions" (Luke 12:15).

Solomon, like those successful financiers at the Edgewater Breach Hotel in Chicago in
1923, found that riches does not satisfy.

POWER

Fourthly, Solomon had great power. Nobody dared attack Solomon when he was King of
Israel. It was the only time in Israel's history when Israel was the greatest military power in the
world. He had the greatest navy, the greatest army—the greatest power in the world. He never
had a war because everyone was afraid to attack when he was King.
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Yet Solomon testifies that power did not bring him happiness:

"'Meaningless! Meaningless!' says the Teacher. 'Utterly meaningless! Everything

is meaningless" (Ecclesiastes 1:1).

AESTHETICS AND RELIGION

Solomon tried the aesthetic life. He developed a love for art, music and culture. But as he
tried it all, none of it brought peace and fulfillment.

He even tried religion. He built a great temple, the most beautiful temple the world has
ever known. It took seven years to build and a hundred thousand men to build it. Yet religion did
not satisfy.

CONCLUSION

Wisdom, pleasure, work, riches, power, aesthetics, religion—none of these satisfy. They
are all meaningless! Yet Solomon did find the answer to his relentless search as he concludes his
account with these words:

"Remember your Creator in the days of your youth. . . . Now all has been heard;
here is the conclusion of the matter: Fear God and keep His commandments,
for this is the whole duty of man" (Ecclesiastes 12:1,13).
Then he explains why this is so crucial:

"For God will bring every deed into judgment, including every hidden thing,
whether it is good or evil" (Ecclesiastes 12:14).

What Solomon is saying is that in light of Judgment Day that is coming, when we all will
have to give an account before our Maker for everything we have ever thought, said, or done, the
only thing that makes sense is to live by God's commandments, to fear God. It is our
knowledge of God, and our obedience to Him, that will count for all time, eternity. Everything
else is transitory and thus meaningless, empty, futile.

John, a disciple of Jesus, put it:

"The world and its desires pass away, but the man who does the will of God
lives forever" (1 John 2:17).
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Knowing God and doing His will is the only way you will ever be satisfied! Embrace God
and His will today and be satisfied and so you will know what Solomon wrote about!

When Jesus was tempted by the devil after forty days of hunger (Luke 4:1-2), He did not
fall for the devil’s temptation to turn stones into bread. This slight shift in priorities—placing
secondary things before first things—was rejected outright. Although bread is a material
provision, it is only that. And man was made for something more . . . the Bread of heaven.

SEEKING JUSTIFICATION AND ACCEPTANCE FROM PEOPLE

To seek justification and acceptance from people is “detestable” in God’s sight!

Yet that is the very thing that trips us up. Our hierarchy of values—of what gives value
and worth to people—is completely upside down when placed next to God’s way of looking at
things. We have become overly sensitive to what other people think of us and thus we have taken
our opinions of ourselves from what we think they think of us.

Such a yardstick is superficial and faulty. Society’s yardstick of physical appearance,

intelligence, education, abilities, possessions, success, accomplishments and power mean nothing
to our Maker when it comes to inherent worth.

Society puts such a high premium on appearance, status and talent. Often this causes
frustration for those who feel they don’t meet the standard. If you fail to measure up, you can
develop an inferiority complex. If you measure up, you can become vain. So you have to guard
against temptation from both sides.

The futile game of comparison to others is meaningless since you can always find someone
better or worse. You are warned by God not to fall into such a foolish trap:

“We do not dare to classify or compare ourselves with some who command
themselves. When they measure themselves by themselves and compare them-
selves with themselves, they are not wise” (2 Corinthians 10:12).

Your estimate of yourself is not the issue ultimately. Paul put it:

“Let him who boasts boast in the Lord. For it is not the one who commands
Himself who is approved but the one who the Lord commands.”
(2 Corinthians 10:17-18)
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Final judgment belongs to God! In the end it is His estimate that counts.

Satan Imposed Distortion

Satan has cleverly imposed on our world a distortion that caused millions of people,
including many Christians, to refuse to admit that God knew what He was doing when He
made us. Even if you don’t complain to God directly, you still hold a negative attitude toward
yourself. Often this attitude is reflected verbally and nonverbally toward others.

Peggy was terribly irritable with her kids. She wanted so much to be kind, but never
seemed to succeed. Finally, she approached her pastor for counsel. Her pastor perceptively asked
her. “What would you change about yourself, Peggy, if you could?” “I would take 15 inches off
my hips” was her terse reply! It was obvious, Peggy was resentful because her hips were over-
sized. And this cast a shadow over the rest of her life. When her pastor explained that God had
made her like this for a reason, and when Peggy accepted it this way, her whole personality
changed, and so did her relationship with her kids.
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VIII. PARENTS’ ATTITUDES AND HOW THEY AFFECT

YOUR ATTITUDE AND BEHAVIOR
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“A child identifies his parents with God, whether or not the adults want that role.”1
–James Dobson

Parents’ Attitudes

Freudians and neo-Freudians have increased our understanding of the role of early
childhood in the development of personality and self-esteem. Parents’ attitudes toward their
children play a crucial role in their children’s self-image. Like all other things, your experience in
infancy has much to do with your self-esteem. You end up treating yourself–and others–as you
were treated.

Parents as Mirrors

You are the whole world to a baby! As a parent you are the source of all comfort and
security and the one who banishes fears and pain. Every waking hour he or she learns about
himself or herself from you. You are the mirror that shows this new person who he or she is.

In their book, Self Esteem, Matthew McKay and Patrick Fanning emphasize the crucial
part parents play in the development of a child:

“From your smile a baby learns that he or she is delightful, from your touch a baby
learns that he or she is safe. From your responsiveness to his or her crying, a baby
learns that he or she is effective and important, these are the first lessons about his
or her worth and the building blocks of self-esteem.

Babies who are not comforted, who are not held, spoken to, rocked, and loved,
learn other lessons about their worth. The learn that their cries of distress don’t
bring relief. They learn helplessness. They learn that they are not important. These
are the first lessons in poor self-esteem.

As they grow older, children will have other mirrors that show them who they are.
Teachers, friends and sitters will all perform this role, but a child will return to the
reflection in the mirror that his or her parents held for this sense of goodness,
importance, and basic worth.

Providing a positive mirror for your children does not mean that you approve of
everything that they do or that you let them run the family. There is a way to raise
socialized, reasonable children with strong self-esteem. It requires that you look
at your child, look at yourself, and look at your patterns of communication.”2
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Modeling Self-Esteem

Children learn to value themselves by the example you set. When you have the self-
esteem to accept forgiveness from God and others and to forgive yourself, they learn to accept
forgiveness and forgive themselves. When you talk about your appearance and behavior with
acceptance, they learn to do the same. When you have the self-esteem to set limits and protect
yourself, kids model on your example. They learn to set limits and protect themselves as well.

Modeling self-esteem means valuing yourself enough to take care of your own basic
needs. When you put yourself last, when you chronically sacrifice for your kids, you teach them
that a person is only worthy insofar as he or she is of service to others. You teach them to use you
and make it likely that later on they will be used. Setting consistent, supportive limits and
protecting your self from overbearing demands sends a message to your child that both of you are
important and both of you have legitimate needs. You show your son or daughter that each
person in a relationship has value and that a balance must be struck to meet the important needs of
each one.

If you were conditionally accepted, neglected, abused or abandoned as a child, you are
likely to conditionally accept, neglect, abuse or abandon yourself. The rejected end up rejecting
themselves. If your needs were not recognized and met by your caregivers, you have difficulty
recognizing and meeting these needs in yourself. If a caring parent was not modeled for you so
that you can internalize a caring parent, you have little to draw upon to care for yourself.

Your capacity for self-acceptance is to a large extent shaped by the acceptance you
received as an infant. If you received affection, hugs, kisses, lullabies, laughing and warmth you
developed a very optimistic and joyful attitude toward yourself, your parents and the rest of the
world. Positive input, whether through words or actions, seeped into you and was indelibly
recorded in your heart and mind. The message you received was that you were lovable. You
didn’t have to do anything or be anything but yourself. You were treated as valued and
worthwhile in yourself.

An important part of parenting then is nurturing self-confidence. Bettie Young in her book
The 6 Vital Ingredients of Self-Esteem and How to Develop them in Your Child gives six
important steps to developing self-confidence:

 Physical safety. A child who feels safe is able to be trusting and to explore his
world with confidence.
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 Emotional security. If a child knows he won’t be put down or made to feel less
worthy, he can be caring and compassionate with himself and others.

 A sense of identity. A child who knows himself and believes in his worth as a
human being can take responsibility for his action

 A sense of belonging. Feeling accepted and connected to others allows a child to

maintain friendships, be independent, yet feel related.

 A sense of competence. A child who feels good at some things is willing to try to
learn other things. He or she is able to develop realistic goals.


A sense of mission. A child who believes life has meaning has inner peace, a sense
of direction. When obstacles appear, he or she can devise alternatives that work.3

“None of us can prevent our children from crises in life,” Young says, but “high self-
esteem helps you to rebound.”4

Conditional Love

Children early develop deep-seated inferiority feelings as they begin to realize that they are
not living up to the expectations of their parents and others around them. Some phrases that prove
devastating to many children and young people are:

 “Why can’t you ever do anything right?”

 “I told you never to spill your milk at this table again!”
 “Why can’t you get good grades like Jimmy?”
 “You’ll never amount to anything!”

These provide early signals to children that they are not accepted and loved for who they
are. Implied is that they would be loved and accepted if only they were different.

Usually parents’ verbal messages to their children are clear: “I love you.” But the
nonverbal messages are not as clear. Children are often ignored when they do things we like and
punished when they violate or fail to live up to our standards. This confuses children. When they
are ignored they feel they didn’t live up to the standard. After all, why else would their parents not
acknowledge their behavior? On the other hand, the punishment for not meeting the standard
leads to the feeling that love is available only when you do good. This is the root of conditional
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love. Children grow up to believe that they are loved only because of what they do and not
because of who they are. Conditional love leaves children with no feelings of worth. A deep sense
of failure that says, “I’ll never make it,” haunts such children the rest of their lives unless they are
repeatedly confronted by unconditional love in heavy doses.

Negative Attitudes and Behavior

1. Defiance. The defiant child develops this pattern in his earlier years as he learns to
bypass his parents’ efforts to control his behavior. He may do this by ignoring them, wearing them
down, throwing fits on the floor, holding his breath until he turns blue, frustrating them so badly
that they give up, or manipulating them by using guilt and sympathy. He is out to get his own
way, and will view any requests on the parents’ part as a violation of his liberties. He will develop
a strong resentment toward having to do anything he asked to do. When he becomes an adult, he
will tend to resent anyone making any demands on him, will have a strong need to have his own
way, and will have no fear of aggressively confronting people to get what he wants and blaming
others for his failures.

2. Compliance. The compliant child develops his pattern of life because he is unable to get
his own way. He is afraid of his parents’ disapproval and their discipline. He loses too much of his
self-worth under chastisement, and is therefore willing to compromise in order to reserve his own
sense of worth. Because he doesn’t want to be a nobody, he makes sure he obeys carefully what is
asked of him. He feeds upon the praise that he gets for his obedience and repression of his inner
aggressive impulses. He will tend to behave well, and views himself as being good. On becoming
an adult, he will tend to be passive, avoid open conflict, and be somewhat insensitive to his own
wishes. He easily becomes passive/aggressive by which he expresses his hostility in passive,
dependent ways. He is subject to being overcome by guilt feelings and depression. He will tend to
be pessimistic and negative.

3. Withdrawal. The withdrawn child develops his pattern because he is unable to be either
defiant or compliant, as he fears the wrath of his parents very intensely. He will attempt to avoid
feeling dependent on others because to get close means to get hurt. Therefore he will maintain a
respectable distance and may substitute things and activities for relationships to people, and avoid
socializing on every level. For fear of rejection, he is fearful of revealing his own hostile feelings.

It is crucial not to be flattering or phony. You need to be realistic in your comments, even
while you should look for positive things that you can say to your children.

Dorothy Nolte perceptively and beautifully shows the positive and negative effects of
parents’ attitudes, words and behavior toward their children:
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“If a child lives with criticism, he learns to condemn.

If a child lives with hostility, he learns to fight.
If a child lives with ridicule, he learns t be shy.
If a child loves with shame, he learns to feel guilty.
If a child lives with tolerance, he learns to be patient.
If a child lives with encouragement, he learns confidence.
If a child lives with praise, he learns to appreciate.
If a child lives with fairness, he learns justice.
If a child lives with security, he learns to have faith.
If a child lives with approval, he learns to like himself.
If a child lives with acceptance and friendship, he learns to find love in the world.”5

Does Failure Deserve Punishment?

Bruce Narramore points out the devastating effect parents’ attitude that failure deserves
punishment has on children:

“We take in our parents’ corrective attitude and actions just as we take in their goals,
ideals, and expectations. To the degree our parents resorted to pressure, fear,
shame, or guilt to motivate us, we developed a second false assumption. This is
summed up in the thought, ‘When I fall short of my goals or expectation, I need
to be pressured, shamed, frightened, or punished.’”6 (Emphasis added)

Self-Punishment

Self-punishment, like hostility toward others, is a violation of God’s love and grace. Jesus
was already “bruised for our iniquities, despised and rejected” on our behalf. God takes no
pleasure in your self-punishment which leads to lack of self-respect which leads you away from
Christ who is the Source of positive self-esteem.

Lack of self-respect causes you to deny God’s assurance of your worth. This leads to
feelings of insecurity. In the process you end up denying the expressions of love you need so much
to hear.
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Lack Of Positive Reinforcement

Bill had always been criticized by his father when he did something wrong. On the other
hand, when he did something right he never received appreciation and encouragement. He
was put down continually and told that he would never amount to anything. As a result Bill began
to believe he was a failure, and, in fact, he became one. Because we become what we believe
ourselves to be. As the Bible states,

“What a man thinks is really what he is” (Proverbs 23:7).

Great damage is done by parents who see their children as mere objects of their love. In
such cases the child becomes utterly dependent and exists only to satisfy them. Such an unhealthy
need on the part of the parents stunts the child in his development. Often parents make their
children an extension of their own egos! Children become the cure for the failures and
disappointments their parents have experienced. Such children are not free to be themselves.
They get undue attention and affection when they do well and unreasonable criticism when they
fail to meet the needs of their parents.

These negative attitudes that you receive from your parents lead to further harm in that
you tend to project your image of your earthly parents (especially your father) to that of your
heavenly Father. Because you feel rejected as a person by your own parents, you also feel rejected
by your heavenly Parent—God. Because your parents didn’t see any hope in you, you tend to
think that God doesn’t either.

Building Your Child’s Self-Esteem

For the Christian, self-esteem is only one part of a total biblical worldview that includes
the right attitude toward yourself, God, and others. This requires care in avoiding accusatory
speech, condemning attitudes, and actions that indicate disrespect for others. Self-respect coexists
with a wholesome regard for all humanity.

Psychologists, however, generally agree that all children need a sense of security,
worth, confidence, and belonging or being loved. Since God as our heavenly Father provides
each of these for his children, these four ingredients of a positive self-concept should be the goal
of every parent.

Some of us hesitate to promote our children’s self-esteem for fear of fostering sinful pride.
To avoid this problem, we need a clear understanding of the biblical definitions of pride.
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Sinful pride involves a three-fold attitude. Toward themselves proud persons feel self-
sufficient. They trust in their own accomplishments and assets while denying their need of others.
Toward God they exhibit arrogance. Based on an overestimation of their abilities, they deny their
need of God. To them God is but a crutch for weak people. Toward others they are scornful or
indifferent. They minimize others.

The New Testament concept of pride literally means “haughty” or “lifted up.” It suggests
an inflated opinion of oneself-much like a balloon filled with air. This pride is far from the
approval or satisfaction a person feels as a result of a positive identity. Humility does not rule out
self-regard and self-respect; it simply asks that we value others the same way we esteem
ourselves. This is why Christ said, “Love your neighbor as yourself” (Mark 12:31).

Just as the sin of pride is totally different from self-acceptance, humility is completely
different from a low self-estimation. Humility is neither inferiority, underestimation of our abilities,
nor self-hatred.

One of the most valuable gifts parents can give children is a positive self-image. While
you cannot teach self-worth, you can help your child discover it within himself or herself.

 Listen often, and without prejudgment, to what they say.

 Find things you can do together for work and play, fun, and learning.
 Use frequent and sincere appreciation and praise. It is better than a gift from the
store.
 Do not ridicule or criticize children.
 Share your problems and joys with your children.
 Teach your children strong moral values and let them accept responsibility for their
own emotions.
 Show them alternatives to undesirable behavior and how mistakes might be
prevented by carefully thinking about actions in advance.

The following are some ways that parents can help their children build self-esteem:

1. Unconditional Love and Acceptance. Love and acceptance must not depend on
perfect behavior or physical appearance. Children must be loved for who they are, not just what
they can do. Often the child who needs love most is overlooked by adults who value superficial
qualities, missing the attributes that make each child unique.
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Such love and acceptance will build trust. Erik Eriksson, an authority in child-development
theory today, contends that there are several stages of human psychological and emotional
development. During the first twelve months, after the traumatic experience of being expelled
from the warmth of the womb and thrown into a world of sound and light and sensations, the
child must learn to trust. A child is not born with trust. This is why in every premature nursery in
America, that nurses are taught to stroke and talk to the premature infant to help them feel safe
and thus develop trust.7

Unconditional love and acceptance must convey the message, “I like you just the way your
are.” This does not mean approving the negative or bothersome things a child does. Acceptance of
the child simply recognizes the vast difference between doing an undesirable thing and being an
undesirable person.8

2. Know the Child. It’s not easy to really see your child for who he or she is. Your vision
is clouded by your hopes and fears. Your son might remind you of yourself or you roommate or
another child. You have opinions about how your daughter ought to be, and how you hope she
will be. It’s a challenge, but when you get to know the real child you are able to see your child
accurately you will be rewarded with relationship that is more enjoyable, with more reasonable
expectations and less conflict. And you will be contributing to your child’s esteem.

By accurately seeing your children the way they are enables you to be able to recognize
their unique abilities and talents which in turn helps you to reinforce them, nurture them, and help
them recognize what is special about themselves.

Knowing your children also enables you to be able to understand their behavior in the
context of who they really are. This will save you from misinterpreting a natural shyness as being
unfriendly or a need for privacy as rejection. Seen in context, even negative behavior is more
understandable and predictable.

Seeing your children accurately helps you focus on changing only the behavior that is
important to changed, that is, behavior that is harmful to them, behavior that isolates them socially
or behavior that is disruptive to the family.

Children who feel they are really seen and understood by their parents can afford to be
authentic. Such children don’t have to hide parts of themselves because they fear being rejected. If
you can accept all of your child, the good and the bad, your child can accept himself or herself.
This is the cornerstone of good self-esteem.9
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3. Value the Child. Adults want to feel important to their families, their work, their
church, and to themselves. So do children. A child in Sunday School needs to feel that his
teachers are glad to have him there. Imitation of parents and teachers is a common way children
show their need to be valued by these significant adults. Also, by accepting a child’s ideas, adults
communicate that the child’s thoughts and opinions are of value.10

3. Provide the Child with a Sense of Accomplishment. Completing a task brings

satisfaction and confidence result. Achievement builds feeling of success because it provides
concrete evidence that the child is capable. Learning to walk, paint, control elimination, button a
shirt or finish a puzzle are only a few of the various tasks young children seek to master. The need
to achieve is often seen in the intensity written on a child’s face while struggling to letter his or her
name.11

4. Discipline. Discipline is any instruction or training that corrects, molds or perfects

mental faculties or moral character. As a parent, you are by definition an instructor and trainer,
and you teach your children most of the skills they need to live in the world–impulse control,
social skills, decision-making. Whether you have many or few rules matters less than how those
rules are presented and enforced. If the rules are fair and predictable and your children feel
accepted as persons even when their behavior is not acceptable, then they can learn and grow with
good self-esteem. If the rules are arbitrary and inconsistently enforced, or if your children feel
shamed, blamed, overpowered or humiliated, then they will learn that they are worthless and lose
confidence that they can ever do things right.

It is a mistake to think that children who are never corrected or limited can grow up with
high self-esteem. Studies are clear that the opposite is true. Children raised without discipline have
lower self-esteem and tend to be more dependent, achieve less, and feel that they have less control
over their world. The world is full of unhappy surprises as they run into the disapproval of their
teachers and the cruel feedback of peers. They tend to be anxious because they never know
exactly what the limits are and when they’ll run into trouble (since even the most indulgent parents
finally reach the end of their patience). These children often feel unloved because they lack any
boundaries—the physical and emotional protection of rules and limits. Your child ends up
reasoning, “If it doesn’t matter what I do, then they must not care about me.”

Discipline and self-esteem are not incompatible. Rather discipline can be the means of
creating a safe and supportive home environment where learning takes place. It starts with
building a good relationship with your children, a relationship where they know what is expected
of them and the consequences of misbehaving are predicable, reasonable and fair.
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Hindrances To A Child’s Self-Esteem

1. Criticism is the first hindrance to building healthy self-esteem. Criticism which focuses
only on the child’s shortcoming tears down rather than builds up. Criticism is a potent blow to a
child’s self-esteem, because the child has no defense for an adult’s negative evaluation. The young
child equates criticism of work with criticism of person, and therefore feels the rebellion,
humiliations or rejection.12

Remarks such as “You’re too little,” You did it wrong again,” Here, let me do that,” are a
few of the many phrases that have negative impact on a child.

2. Insensitivity which causes embarrassment can also cause damage. Sarcasm or ridicule,
especially when used in front of others, has a demeaning and devastating effect on young children.
Discussing a child who is present and listening is especially embarrassing because it assumes the
child does not have either intelligence or feelings. Well-meaning adults can inflict great hurt on a
child by talking about a child as if he or she were not there. Even infants seem to know when they
are being discussed. Older children always seem to pick up those conversations that deal with
them.13

Punishing a child in public is particularly embarrassing to the child. Discipline should be a

private matter, not only to help a child retain dignity, but to avoid having other children magnify
the problem.

3. Lack of respect is another adult behavior area which hinders building healthy self-
esteem. It is shown both in what adults say and don’t say to children. “Thank you,” “Please,”
“Excuse me,” and especially, “I’m sorry” are phrases that many children seldom hear from adults.
Children need to receive the same common courtesies as adults, for they have the same feelings.
Also the child will imitate the adult’s example of either courtesy or discourtesy.14

Interruptions show lack of respect. Some adults incorrectly assume they have the right to
“butt in” on a child for any reason, insisting that children stop whatever they are doing at the
instant an adult speaks. This thoughtlessness actually delays the child in learning to show respect
for others.

4. Lack of encouragement further hinders the development of self-esteem. Honest praise

and appreciation are very much needed by a young child, even for common tasks. Some adults
withhold praise for things the child “is supposed to do.” However, most young children need
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encouragement and recognition to help them want to do what they are supposed to do. “Good
try,” “I appreciate the way you’ve put away your crayons,” “I know it’s not easy to finish your
drawing” are simple statements that encourage a child.15

5. Comparisons are also damaging to self-esteem. Statements such as “You’re just like
your brother,” or “Why can’t you behave like Bill?” are devastating.16

Each child needs to be welcomed for who he or she is, and helped to achieve his or her
own unique potential. To the Master Artist, each work is a masterpiece.

6. Overprotectiveness may be interpreted as excessive love, but in reality it is harmful and

even dangerous. Baby birds would finally die in their nest unless the parent birds prodded and
encouraged them to fly. When parents and teachers shield children from risky and unpleasant
things they damage the child’s need to develop independence. Adults are responsible to provide a
safe environment in which a child can freely play and investigate.17

7. Punishment rather than discipline weakens our effort to build self-esteem. Whereas
punishment is simply retaliation for wrongdoing, discipline involves a total process of guidance,
which includes instruction and encouragement as well as correction. While punishment focuses on
getting even, discipline carries the message of “I love you and I want to help you do the right
thing.” Punishment arouses guilt, fear, anger, and often hatred. Discipline inspires love, concern
and a desire to help a child to improve the next time.18

A positive experience in infancy gives you a tremendous start in life. It makes you secure
about yourself. Not being treated as valuable, unique, and lovable early in life makes it difficult to
grow into self-acceptance and to receive and give love. This is why parents need to give priority
to nurturing their children as the tender flowers they really are.
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IX. WHY I AM AFRAID TO TELL YOU WHO I AM

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“Whenever I look inside myself, I am afraid.”1

–C. E. M. Joad

“Don’t be ferocious with yourself because that is treating badly a precious

(if imperfect) thing which God has made.”2
–Evelyn Underhill

“From the highest to the lowest, self exists to be abdicated and, by that abdication,
becomes the more truly self.”3
–C. S. Lewis

Fears and Deception

Father John Powell, a Jesuit priest and prolific writer, shares an incident which strips bare
his motivation to impress. He had been asked to speak at a large gathering of people. He says
that as he sat on the platform watching the audience gather, a great sense of heaviness swept over
him, an almost suffocating feeling of immobility. Instead of evading such feelings he stared them in
the face and traced them to their true source. When he did this, the impression he received was:

“You are getting ready to put on a dazzling performance. Your goal is to try to
impress these people, get them to see how brilliant and well-versed you are in
your chosen discipline. Your intention is to get something from them, to win their
praise, when in fact what they really need is not a dazzling performance at all, but
a gift of love, whatever warmth and insight that has been given to you that might
be a resource to them for their journey.”4

A mirror was held up to Father Powell’s ultimate motivation on that occasion--the need
to impress to gain approval.

John Powell titled his book on self-esteem, Why Am I Afraid To Tell You Who I Am.
Why? His point is that if I tell you who I am, you might not like who I am that’s all I’ve got!
He explains:

“None of us what to be a fraud or to live a lie; none of us want to be a sham, a

phony, but the fears that we experience and the risks that honest self-communication
would involve seem so intense to us that seeking refuge in our roles, masks and
games becomes an almost natural reflex action.”5
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Fears, pain, and inner scars from the past make you extremely hesitant to share
yourself—who you really are—with others. From infancy on, you learn to put on a pleasing or
false veneer as a protection from ridicule and rejection, and in many cases, to advance yourself in
a society that often punishes you for honesty and vulnerability. As Paul Tournier states:

“We conceal our person behind a protective barrier. We let it be seen only through
the bars. We display certain of its aspects, others we carefully hide.”6

Through pretense, a pattern of deception sets in and some of that pattern becomes so
refined and perfected that not only do you “successfully” deceive others, but you also lose touch
with your real self.

This in turn leads to the continual attempt of trying to get others to like you. Snell and
Putney, in their book, Normal Neurosis: The Adjusted American shows the futility of such an
attempt:

“The person who is caught up in the quest for indirect self-acceptance is more
concerned with making a favorable impression on others than with seeing an
honest reflection of himself. He attempts to manipulate the way he appears to
others. Consequently he cannot credit it any favorable image that may reflect,
for he has good reason to think that what he sees is only his most flattering angle.

Moreover, he is likely to become preoccupied with the limitations he is struggling

to conceal from others, with the result that these defects loom disproportionately
large in his self-image. The person who seeks indirect self-acceptance thus begins
by trying to manipulate the image he presents to others and ends by having a
distorted self-image, in which his defects are magnified.”7

To some extent we are all dependent upon our relationships with other individuals. No
one exists as an island, alone and cut off from others. Your personality is formed in relation to
those around you. This is why isolation is so detrimental. It brings stagnation and reinforces a
poor self-image.

Cynicism

Fearing that they are failures, people with low self-esteem often shy away from any kind
of competition. This often leads to cynicism as shown by Arthur DeJong in his book, Making It
To Adulthood:
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“To prove his worth to others and to himself, the person with low self-esteem
often takes on the image of ‘worker’ or ‘helper’ or both. The worker goes at
his work feverishly and with an eye for perfection. The helper feels worthwhile
when he has helped someone and when that person responds affirmatively. Since
he is never convinced of his worth, the person repeats this pattern endlessly.
Indeed, it becomes a need, and therefore a personality trait. Because the person
with low self-esteem wishes to be accepted by others, both to prove his worth
and to gain interpersonal relationships, he is often guided more by what he thinks
will please others than by his own desires, or by what he thinks is right. He is not
his own man, but rather a victim of his feelings and needs. Down deep he hates
himself because of his lack of integrity. Thus he is caught in a vicious circle.”8

Too often, your emotions rather than hard facts, interpret your self-esteem. Your
pain, your sorrow and grief make you feel alone and isolated. But the truth is the very opposite as
pointed out by Charles Swindoll:

“A teardrop on earth summons the King of Heaven. Rather than being ashamed or
disappointed, the Lord takes note of our inner friction when hard times are oiled
by tears. He turns these situations into moments of tenderness; He never forgets
those crises in our lives where tears were shed.”9

For too long you have accepted the deceptive lies of your feelings and emotions and
allowed them to rule you. For too long you have accepted the false values society has thrust upon
you. For too long you have given in to the unworthy lessons of conditional love taught by deed, if
not word, by your parents, relatives and “friends.”

The Awesome Power of Words

Even children having a very positive experience with their parents sometimes grow up
with a very poor self-image because of the negative input their subconscious mind receives. Even
if your parents did not feed your impressions, other people did. Constant put-downs, conditional
acceptance, jealous remarks, petty criticisms and broken promises are all difficult to fight. Words
and actions settle in your subconscious which functions as a computer. It receives, stores and acts
on the data it is given. Solomon warned:

“Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life” (Proverbs 4:23).
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Life and Death

The heart refers to your innermost being. It is the center of your emotional nature. It is
what you would call today the “subconscious mind.” This is why God told us:

“Pay attention to what I say; listen closely to My words. Do not let them out of
your sight, keep them within your heart; for they are life to those who find them
and health to a man’s whole body (Proverbs 4:20-22).

Words bring life or death, health or illness! God instructed you to be careful what you
allow to penetrate your subconscious mind.

If you are told constantly that you are a “nobody” you will find that “nobody” feelings and
actions will surface. This is why it is so important to absorb positive input. Affirm positive things
about yourself continually to fight off all the negativism. You need to be constantly on guard
against negative suggestions. Immediately counter it with positive suggestions. Reject negativism
by verbally confessing positivism. Learn to automatically counter a negative word or idea with a
positive one.

“Fix your thoughts on what is true and good and right. Think about things that
are pure and lovely, and dwell on the fine, good things in others. Think about
all you can praise God for and be glad about it.”
(Philippians 4:8; see also Ephesians 4:29)

Don’t curse the darkness: turn on the light! Don’t curse the negativism: confess
positivism! Don’t focus on the evil of negativism; affirm the good of positivism!

I am not talking about a “positivism” that denies reality. Sin is real. Yet how readily we
focus on our sins! We brood over them, we repeatedly confess them, we self-pityingly refer to
them as though we do not want to let go of them. We become somewhat “comfortable” with
them. To get rid of them is to change and change is hard.

Why?

When you do not properly love yourself, change is difficult. You do not feel you deserve
any better. You are too easily pleased. This is your way of punishing yourself for who you are. It
is a form of self-righteousness. By beating yourself you feel more worthy of God, others and
yourself.
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When you have self-esteem you can afford to be honest with God, yourself and
others. You do not have to defend your actions. You can admit to them freely. You do sin. You
do fail. You are weak, but you are also God’s child. God, not your sins, should be your focus.
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X. PERFECTIONISM
 105

“No saint on earth can be fully perfect and pure.”1

–Martin Luther

“He who is faultless is lifeless.”2

–John Heywood

“The farther a man knows himself to be from perfection, the nearer he is to it!”3
–Gerard Groote

“What is Christian perfection? Loving God with all our heart, mind, soul,
and strength.”
–John Wesley

One feature of love is the capacity to hold sustained, determined good will, persistently
believing in the best against all odds:

“[Love] always trusts” (I Corinthians 13:7).

Love gives the benefit of the doubt!

If you do not hold such an attitude toward yourself, the result is that you will pay entirely
too much attention to yourself. It may be an inferiority complex—a negative attention—always
deploring your failures and underrating yourself or it may be a superiority complex—an over-
aggressiveness, an insistence on taking the center of the stage.

In trying to save your own life, that is, trying to make up to yourself for lack of self-love
and self-respect, you lose your life, you defeat and starve your soul.

Perfectionists are people who lack self-love. They are unable to accept any of their
behavior unless they see it as being absolutely correct. It is love that makes you secure, but
because the perfectionist has not learned to accept unconditional love he tries to “earn” it by
performance. By always being the best, he thinks that he will be accepted and loved. And he
sadly finds out that he isn’t accepted and loved even by himself. For he can never be good enough,
it seems. There is always more.

In his book, How to Do What You Want to Do, Paul Hauck gets to the heart of
perfectionism:
 106

“The major lesson to be learned is that it is more important to do than to do well.

Stop playing God, stop insisting how good everything has to be that you attempt,
and realize once and for all that everything has a beginning. You usually do badly
in the beginning, and you are no different from anybody else. So start where you
are and keep trying until you get better by slow degrees.”5

Perfectionism gnaws away at your security. Feeling secure is difficult when you
constantly judge yourself by the yardstick of perfectionism. Not only does perfectionism make
you feel insecure in your relations with others, it also makes you feel insecure about yourself.
When you try to do everything perfectly and fail, as we all do, you don’t trust even yourself.
When this trust is gone, the security in all other relationships, including your relationship with
God, is undermined.

How To Deal With Perfectionism

Albert Ellis, a psychotherapist who stresses rational and realistic thinking suggests the
following principles for those who are caught in the trap of trying to achieve as the basis of a
positive self-image:

1. A person should try to do rather than kill himself trying to do well. He should focus on
enjoying the process rather than only the result of what he does.

2. When he tries to do well, he should try to do so for his own sake rather than to please
or to best others. He should be artistically and esthetically, rather than merely egotistically,
involved in the results of his labors.

3. When, for his own satisfaction, he tries to do well, he should not insist on his always
doing perfectly well. He should, on most occasions, strive for his best rather than the best.

4. He should from time to time question his strivings and honestly ask himself whether he
is striving for achievement in itself or for achievement for his own satisfaction.

5. If he wants to do well at any task or problem, he should learn to welcome his mistakes
and errors, rather than become horrified at them, and to put them to good account. He should
accept the necessity of his practicing, practicing, practicing the things he wants to succeed at
should often force himself to do what he is afraid to fail at doing; and should fully accept the fact
that human beings, in general, are limited and that he, in particular, has necessary and distinct
limitations.6
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Improvement and Growth

God is concerned with improvement and growth, not perfection. After making a long
list of qualities (faith, goodness, knowledge, self-control, perseverance, godliness, brotherly
kindness and love) that a Christian is to possess, Peter wrote,

“For is you possess these qualities in increasing measure, they will keep you
from being ineffective and unproductive in your knowledge of our Lord
Jesus Christ” (2 Peter 1:8).

Even the passages where we are commanded to be “perfect” (Matthew 5:48; John 17:23;
Ephesians 4:13) emphasize maturity and completeness, not perfection.

Very few things in this world are worth perfection, since it takes a tremendous amount of
time to perfect anything. It is one thing to “perfect” something because you feel God is urging you
to do better. It is another thing to do it so people will say how good you are or because you’re
afraid of criticism from others or disappointed with yourself. So much of perfectionistic work,
therefore, is injurious to your emotional health and plain wasteful in terms of your stewardship.
Under God you must carefully decide the degree of “perfection” your work requires and be
satisfied with that.
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XI. YOU ARE UNIQUE–SPECIAL

 109

“In the world to come I will not be asked, ‘Why were you not Moses? I shall be
asked, ‘Why were you not Zusya?’”
1
--Rabbi Zusya

Discovering Your Identity

Byron Michow, wrote the following psalm and titled it “Me.” It describes the lifetime
struggle many of us have trying to be like others:

All my life I’ve tried

to please others
All my life I’ve put
on an act for others.
I will not
do this.
For if I spend my time
trying to be someone else,
Who w ill spend the time being me?”2

Bruce Larson’s book on self-esteem, The One And Only You, is a fitting title for this
chapter. Larson put together a polarities test that he used as an icebreaker with all kinds of
groups. He found this to provide a quick insight into the members of the groups. It is a test that
should help you discover the ways in which you are unlike anyone else. All of life is made up of
polarities, and your uniqueness is a combination of hundreds of such polarities, and combination
unlike anyone else’s.

Larson suggests that you grade yourself in the blank before each question on a scale of
zero to ten as you understand your potential in each of these areas. A score of ten will be the
maximum, and zero, obviously, is the minimum. To give yourself a ten does not mean that you are
perfect, but that you believe you’re living up to your full potential in that area at this time in your
life. Do not think about your answers too long. Your instant reaction is probably the most
accurate one. Complete each sentence with the word that best describes you.

My Polarities

1. I prefer to do my most creative work in the . . .

Morning Evening
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2. I feel most comfortable . . .

Indoors Outdoors

3. I am usually in the role of a . . .

Talker Listener

4. I prefer to handle disagreements . . .

Right know Later

5. I think of myself in terms of a . . .

Giver Receiver

6. I store my personal belongings with . . .

Methodical neatness Unstructured creativity

7. In new situations I rely on . . .

Logic Intuition

8. If I have a choice, I prefer to be . . .

Alone In a group

9. It gives me great satisfaction to be able to . . .

Save Spend

10. I prefer to resolve a difficult relationship by . . .

Letter Telephone

11. In keeping appointments I am usually . . .

Punctual Casual

12. In terms of starting the new or preserving the old I think I am mostly a . . .
Museum Keeper Explorer3

When God made people, He did not make them carbon copies.

How can you make the most of the kind of person you are?
 111

Most of you have at some time been criticized for being the person you are in these
polarities. In general you need to be able to say that this is the kind of person you are. To pretend
otherwise makes us defensive. When I can say to people, “This is what I am,” and not have to
defend myself, I can begin to appreciate to other half of the polarity and, incidently, become a
more well-balanced person.

As you begin to feel comfortable in your own identity, you stop trying to make other people
conform to what you think they should be.

Finding your own identity and your own uniqueness enables you to free the people around
you in this same way.

C. S. Lewis, in his book The Screwtape Letters, has the chief devil, Screwtape, write to
Wormwood, his nephew (demon), about how to keep a person from becoming a Christian, and if
once a Christian, how to keep him miserable and ineffective. Wormwood is told by Screwtape that
he has failed in his mission allowing the person to see his own uniqueness and worth. Screwtape
counsels Wormwood how to be successful against their enemy (Christ) by stating:

“As a preliminary to detaching him from the Enemy you wanted to detach him
from himself, and had made some progress in doing so. Now all that is undone.
Of course, I know the Enemy also wants to detach men from themselves, but in
a different way. Remember, always, that He really likes the little vermin, and He
sets an absurd value on the distinctiveness of every one of them.

When He talks of their losing themselves, He means only abandoning the clamor
of self-will. Once they have done that, He really gives them back all their
personality, and boasts [I am afraid, sincerely] that when they are wholly His,
they will be more themselves than ever.”4 (Emphasis added)

When you belong to God you are free to be yourself as He meant you to be. You need to get
rid of self-will but your unique personality. Because God values you, you can value yourself. His
attitude toward you should be your attitude toward yourself.

In accepting His acceptance of you, you are freed to love yourself as He loves you. This
truth frees you to be yourself. Robert Louis Stevenson perceptively wrote,

“To be what we are, and to become what we are capable of becoming, is the only
end of life.”5
 112

Meister Eckhart, a 14th century Christian mystic wrote of his satisfaction in being himself.

“That I am a man. This I share with other men. That I see and hear and that I eat
and drink is that all animals do likewise. But that I am I is only mine and belongs
to me and to nobody else; . . . not to an angel nor to God—except inasmuch as I
am one with Him.”6

Special To God

You are very special to God! He made you to be just what you are because He wants you
that way, and to play a unique roll in the work of His kingdom. And no one can take your place.

This truth is beautifully express by James McConkey:

“Every life is a fresh thought from God to the world. Every jewel gleams with its
own radiance. Every flower distills its own fragrance. Every Christian has his
own particular bit of Christ’s radiance and Christ’s fragrance which God would
pass through him to others.”7

You are a unique creation of God! God doesn’t produce clones or carbon copies on some
huge cosmic assembly line. In all the world there is no other person just like you, and there will
never be another you. Our creator never makes two leaves or two lives the same. Every star,
every snowflake, every human being is different.

David, the psalmist, writes about being “fearfully and wonderfully made”:

“For You created my inmost being; You knit me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Your works are
wonderful. I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from You when I
was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the
earth, Your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were
written in Your book before one of them came to be” (Psalm139:13-16).

It is obvious from Scripture that God is interested in everything about you. This includes
your outward appearance. You need to trust Him that He is doing a good work. Your bodies are
the temples of God, so you need to take good care of them (1 Corinthians 6:19-20). How you eat,
exercise and dress is important to your wellbeing.
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Accepting Yourself As You Are

If you have not yet done so, you can take a big step toward happiness by accepting
yourself as you are--tall, short, big nose, freckles, or whatever. This does not mean that you
should not strive to improve your appearance whenever possible. You need to do the best with
what you have. Use braces, for instance, for crooked teeth. But with regards to those things you
cannot change, you must learn to accept them and go on living with a positive attitude toward
yourself and toward life.

Quarreling With God Your Maker

You cannot legitimately complain to God. “Woe to the man who fights with his Creator”
warns our Creator. “Does the pot argue with its maker? Does the clay dispute with him who
forms it, saying, ‘Stop, you’re doing it wrong!’ Or the pot exclaims, ‘How clumsy can you be?’”
(Isaiah 45:9-11).

Can you imagine the clay as it is being formed on the potter’s wheel bitterly complaining,
“Why are you making me like this? I’ll surely harbor resentment in my heart if you don’t change
my appearance.” Foolish, you say. The potter has the privilege of shaping the clay into whatever
kind of vessel he wishes. Doesn’t God have the same privilege with you?

Teenagers, in particular, have problems accepting themselves. Girls who are not especially
beautiful often grow resentful, negative and bitter because they feel that God has been unfair.
When this happens they become unattractive not only in appearance but also in their personality.
This only compounds their problem and makes things worse.

Solution

What is the solution? Improve your appearance wherever you can. Do the best with what
you have. With regards to those things which you cannot change, learn to accept yourself as you
are. Remember physical beauty is not everything.

Develop Inner Beauty

The danger of putting undue emphasis on outward beauty can be illustrated from God’s
words to Israel in Ezekiel 16:1-15:
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“The word of the Lord came to me: ‘Son of Man, confront Jerusalem with her
detestable practices and say, ‘This is what the Sovereign Lord says to Jerusalem:
Your ancestry and birth were in the land of the Canaanites; your father was
Amorite and your mother a Hittite. On the day you were born your cord was not
cut, nor were you washed with water to make you clean, nor were you rubbed
with salt or wrapped in cloths. No one looked on you with pity or had compassion
enough to do any of these things for you. Rather, you were thrown out into the
open field, for the day you were born you were despised.

Then I passed by and saw you kicking about in your blood, and as you lay there
in your blood in your blood, I said to you “Live!” I made you grow like a plant
of the field. Your grew up and developed and became the most beautiful of
jewels. Your breasts were formed and your hair grew, you who were naked and
bare.

Later I passed by, and when I looked at you and saw that you were old enough
for love, I spread the corner of my garment over you and covered your nakedness.

I gave you my solemn oath and entered into a covenant with you, declares the
Sovereign Lord and you became mine.

I bathed you with water and washed the blood from you and put ointments on you.
I clothed you with an embroidered dress and put leather sandals on you. I dressed
you in fine linen and covered you with costly garments. I adorned you with jewelry:
I put bracelets on your arms and a necklace around your neck, and I put a ring on
your nose, earrings on your ears and a beautiful crown on your head.

So you were adorned with gold and silver; your clothes were of fine linen and costly
fabric and embroidered cloth. Your food was fine flour, honey and olive oil. Your
became very beautiful and rose to be queen. And your fame spread among the
nations on account of your beauty because the splendor I had given you made your
beauty perfect, declares the Sovereign Lord.

But you trusted in your beauty and used your fame to become a prostitute. You
lavished your favors on anyone who passed by and your beauty became his.”
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Habits to Develop to Enhance Your Self-Image

Josh McDowell gives the following suggestions of how to enhance your self-image.

1. Do not label yourself negatively (“I am clumsy” and so on). You tend to become the label
you give yourself.

2. Behave assertively (but not aggressively) even in threatening situations, particularly when
you don’t feel like doing so.

3. When you fail, admit or confess it to God, your Father, and then refuse to condemn
yourself. “Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus”
(Romans 8:1). Remember, you are in the process of becoming like Christ. Growth takes time.
Be as kind to yourself as you would be (or would hope to be) to any other person.

4. Do not compare yourself with others. You are a unique person. God enjoys you in your
uniqueness; have a similar attitude toward yourself.

5. Concentrate and meditate on God’s grace, love and acceptance--not on criticisms from
other people.

6. Associate with friends who are positive, who delight in you and who enjoy life.

7. Start helping others to see themselves as God sees them . . . by accepting them, loving
them, and encouraging them. Give them the dignity they deserve as one of God’s unique
human creatures.

8. Learn to laugh; look for humor in life and experience it.

9. Have expectations of others which are realistic, taking into account each person’s specific
talents, gifts, abilities and potential.

10. Relax and take it easy. If the sinless Jesus waited in preparation thirty years for a three-year
ministry, perhaps God isn’t in as much of a hurry with you as you may suppose He is.

11. Do what is right and pleasing in the eyes of God. When our lives reflect God’s character,
we are a lot happier and it affects our attitude about ourselves.
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12. Be positive (Philippians 4:8). See how long you can go without saying something negative
about another person or situation.

13. Lead others with influence and wise guidance rather than with autocratic power.

14. Love in accordance with God’s model of agape love and balance love with limits.8
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XII. LOVING GOD MORE

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“A wise lover values not so much the gift of the lover as the love of the giver.”1
–Thomas a Kempis

“Give me such love for God and men as will blot out all hatred and bitterness.”2
–Dietrich Bonhoeffer

“They are the true disciples of Christ, not who know most, but who love most.”3
–Frederich Spanheim the Elder

“We are shaped and fashioned by what we love.”4

–Goethe

“What we love we shall grow to resemble.”5

–Bernard of Clairvaux

God’s process of beautifying Israel was not that she was to love herself more but that
she would love God more. While it was not wrong for Jerusalem to have a positive self-image,
that was not God’s goal. She was beautified to be God’s bridegroom. Jerusalem focuses on and
exalts her newfound beauty, and begins to trust in it, and delight in it instead of her glorious
Husband. She forgot God’s words through Isaiah:

“Your are My servant, Israel, in whom I will display My splendor” (Isaiah 43:9).

She forgot that she was created and redeemed for the glory of God:

“. . . everyone who is called by My name, whom I created for My glory, whom I

formed and made” (Isaiah 43:7).

This does not mean God has no interest in your outward appearance. It does mean,
however, that He is much more concerned about your inner self. Samuel discovered this when the
Lord explained the criteria for Israel’s king:

“Don’t judge by a man’s face or height, for this is not the one. I don’t make
decisions the way you do! Men judge by outward appearance but I look at a
man’s thoughts and intentions” (1 Samuel 16:7).
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This is why it is important to have an attitude like David’s:

“Search me, O God, and know my heart; test my thought. Point out anything You
find in me that makes You sad, and lead me along the path of everlasting life.”
(Psalm 139:23-24)

Inner Beauty

In talking to the women of his day, Peter gave the following advice:

“Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair
and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead it should be that of
your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is
of great worth in God’s sight. For this is the way the holy women of the past
who put their hope in God used to make themselves beautiful” (1 Peter 3:3-5).

You can overcome outward deficiencies by developing inner beauty. You can become
such a beautiful person, with such a warm and pleasing personality, no one will even notice those
things you feel you lack on the outside.

Some of the most physically unattractive people from the world’s viewpoint have been
greatly used by God. Although he was probably neither attractive nor an eloquent speaker,
according to his own comments, the apostle Paul was used mightily by God.

Paul didn’t go around whining and pining, however, because his physique was not the best in
town; nor was he resentful because he wasn’t the most eloquent speaker. On the contrary, Paul’s
ministry has inspired and challenged millions of people through the centuries. Many others who
have not been handsome or eloquent or brilliant have experienced fulfilled lives and fruitful
ministries in our Savior’s service.

Mother Teresa was hardly known for her physical beauty, but she became a mighty instrument
in God’s hand. What an impact she had on the world!

The joy and enthusiasm they received from the Spirit of God was what made the difference.
With their eyes on Jesus rather than on themselves, they drew their wisdom, strength, and power
from His inexhaustible resources instead of their own weaknesses.
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XIII. THE LIBERATION OF SELF-ACCEPTANCE

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“He who hates himself, who does not have a proper regard for his own capacities . . .
can have no respect for others; deep within himself he will hate his brothers when
he sees in them his own marred image.”1
--Joshua Liebman

Your self-image will affect the way you view others. The pattern you develop of relating
to that person closest to you—yourself—becomes the paradigm of the way you will relate to all
other people. If you really do not like yourself and are critical and dissatisfied and even hostile
toward the very first part of creation that you experience, then if follows that you are going to
perceive all others through these same lenses and will relate to them as you relate to yourself.
Dislike for yourself has a way of poisoning everything and everyone else you perceive.

Your ability to love yourself will greatly determine your ability to love others. When
you sow love, you will reap love.

“. . . A man reaps what he sows. The one who sows to please his sinful nature,
from that nature will reap destruction; the one who sows to please the Spirit,
from the Spirit will reap eternal life. Let us not become weary in doing good, for
at the proper time we will reap harvest if we do not give up. Therefore, as we
have opportunity, let us do good to all people especially to those who belong to
the family of believers” (Galatians 6:7-10).

Your self-image will affect the way others view you. If you want others to accept you,
accept yourself as God’s unique creation. Affirm with the psalmist:

“Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! It is amazing to think about.

Your workmanship is marvelous—and how well I know it” (Psalm 139:14).

Because you are unique you have a unique opportunity to glorify your Maker. As James
McConkey put it:

“Just a hair’s breadth of shift in the focus of the telescope, and some man sees a
vision of beauty which before had been all confused and blurred. So, too, just that
grain of individual and personal variation in your life from every person’s and
someone else sees Jesus Christ with a clearness and beauty he would discern
nowhere else. In you there is just a bit of change in the angle of the jewel—and
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low, some man sees the light! In you there is just a trifle of variation of the
mingling of the spices—and behold, someone becomes conscious of the fragrance
of Christ.”2

You have a unique part to play in His great plan. He is looking for your cooperation in
developing His program—that His kingdom may come and His will be done on earth.

Thank God that you are who you are. In 1 Thessalonians 5:18, we are told, “In
everything give thanks, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.” Thank God that He made
you the way He did. This attitude will liberate you. No longer hindered by your bitterness and
ingratitude, the Holy Spirit will be able to begin building you to maturity in Christ.

PBPWM, GINFWMY

You are a person in process. That’s the point of the heading of this section. These strange
letters spell:

“Please be patient with me, God is not finished with me yet.”

Process

In our culture and society it is the finished product, the bottom line, that is important. But
with God the process is as important. As you learn to appreciate the process, God assures you
that He will work in such a way in your life by His Spirit that your life will become what He
wants—completeness:

“. . . being confident of this, that He who began a good work in you will carry it
on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus” (Philippians 1:6).

God is molding your life. Because the Holy Spirit is working in you, you are a reflection of
His love and glory. Human self-improvement programs are limited. No amount of positive
thinking can produce a new person in Christ. But you as a Christian can, by faith, see and accept
yourself as God sees you. Through the power of the Holy Spirit you are becoming more like
Christ.
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XIV. THE LIBERATION OF HUMILITY

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“The flowers of Christian graces grow under the shade of the cross, and the root of
them all is humility.”1
–Keith L. Brooks

“It was pride that changed angels into devils; it is humility that makes men as angels.”2
–St. Augustine

“Who is free from defects? He lacks everything who thinks he lacks nothing.”3
–St. Bernard

“He has scattered those who are proud in their inmost thoughts” (Luke 1:51), states the
virgin Mary in her Magnificat. Humility is not some kind of false meekness, but simply perceiving
the truth. While God is everything, you are only a small creature, dependent yet precious to a God
of love. Pride, whether in the form of vanity, arrogance or self-exaltation is the vice that deceives
us into attempting the impossible task of trying to be a little god yourself. Such a stance alienates
you from the God who wants to save you from yourself.

A constant refrain in Scripture is:

“God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.”

(Proverbs 3:34; James 4:6; 1 Peter 5:5)

Earlier in this article I shared a study where people more quickly saw their shortcomings
and weaknesses than their strengths. Yet, David Myers in his book, The Inflated Self: Human
Illusions and the Biblical Call to Hope, found through extensive research that people were very
prone to over-estimate their positive aspects and underestimate their weaknesses and sinfulness
and even blame others for their shortcomings. The following six streams of data merge from this
evidence.

1. Accepting more responsibility for success than failure, for good deeds than bad.

2. Favorably biased self-ratings: Can we all be better than average?

3. Self-justification: If I did it, it must be good.

4. Cognitive conceit: belief in one’s personal infallibility.

5. Unrealistic optimism: The Pollyanna syndrome.

6. Overestimating how desirably one would act.4

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Research, then, provides a mixed bag when it comes to your attitude toward yourself. You
tend to both overestimate and underestimate your abilities. In some ways this makes sense since
you are looking at yourself through the prism of pride. Pride will always distort the true picture
one way or another.

Not Self-Contempt

But what is humility? It certainly is not self-contempt. The preoccupation with the “what-
a-disgusting-worm-I-am” mentality is still self-absorption in that it is a preoccupation with self.
Humility is not the denial of what is true. It does not consist of handsome and beautiful people
trying to believe they are ugly and intelligent people trying to believe they are stupid. That is
merely false modesty. And as David Myers put it: “False modesty can actually lead to an ironic
pride in one’s better-than-average-humility.”5

Self-Forgetfulness

True modesty is self forgetfulness. You are freed by Christ not so much to love yourself
as to be liberated from self-obsession. Much of Christian writing is nothing less than disguised
humanism which panders to the very pride and self-sufficiency which the gospel seeks to destroy.
The message of the Cross is not that you are freed to pursue your ego trip but that you are freed
from the relentless and futile pursuit of that trip.6

“Once you’re liberated from self-absorption you can live in the fresh air of honesty
whereby you recognize as gifts your neighbor’s talents and your own and, like
your color or height. See them neither in terms of inordinate pride or self-
depreciation.”7

Due to our inherent pride we find humility difficult to attain. C. S. Lewis recognized this
more than most and tells us how to attain it.

If anyone would like to acquire by stating that the way to take this first step is to get a
glimpse of the majesty, the greatness of God and see oneself in light of it. As Lewis put it:

“He and you are two things of such kind that if you really get into any kind of touch
with Him you will, in fact, be humble, feeling the infinite relief of having for once
got rid of (the pretensions which have) made you restless and unhappy all your life.”8

Self-forgetfulness is God’s goal for us all. Lewis puts his finger on the trigger as he suggests
in his book, Mere Christianity:
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“If you meet a truly humble man, he won’t be thinking about humility; he won’t
be thinking about himself at all.”9

A STEP TOWARD HUMILITY

Obviously, true humility is a state not easily attained. “If anyone would like to acquire
humility,” offered C. S. Lewis, “I can, I think, tell him the first step. The first step is to realize that
one is proud. And a biggish step, too.”10 The way to take this first step, continued Lewis, is to
glimpse the greatness of God and see oneself in light of it.

“He and you are two things of such a kind that if you really get into any kind
of touch with Him you will, in grace be humble, feeling the infinite relief of
having for once got rid of the pretensions which (have) made you restless and
unhappy all your life.”11

Once you are freed of pretension you are free to be who God created you to be–yourself.
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XV. THE LIBERATION OF HONESTY

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“If we be honest with God and ourselves, we shall be honest with each other.”1
–George Macdonald

“Openness is to wholeness as secrets are to sickness.”2

–Barbara Johnson

As a human being it is common to develop elaborate defense mechanisms to block what you
consider painful. Therefore you suppress emotions, drive yourself to succeed or withdraw and
become passive. You attack people who hurt you and punish yourself when you fail. You try to
say clever things to be accepted and help people so that you will be appreciated.

Some of you have deep emotional and spiritual scars resulting from the neglect, abuse, and
manipulation that often accompany living in a dysfunctional family (alcoholism, drug abuse,
divorce, absent father or mother, excessive anger, verbal and /or physical abuse, etc.), but all of
you bear the effects of your own sinful nature and the imperfections of others.

HONEST WITH GOD

David wrote,

“Surely you desire truth in the inner parts; you teach me wisdom in the inmost place.”
(Psalm 51:6)

The Lord desires truth and honesty at the deepest level, and wants you to experience His
love, forgiveness, and power in all areas of your life. Experiencing His love does not mean that all
of your thoughts, emotions, and behaviors will be pleasant and pure. It means that you can be
real, feeling pain and joy, love and anger, confidence and confusion.

The Psalms give you tremendous insight about what it means to be honest with the Lord.
David and other psalmists wrote and spoke honestly about the full range of their responses to
situations.

For example, David expressed his anger with the Lord because he felt abandoned by Him:

“I say to God my Rock, “Why have You forgotten me?

Why must I go about mourning, oppressed by the enemy?” (Psalm 42:9-10)
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At times, Davis was very angry with others, and expressed that anger to the Lord in
terms that reveal the depth of his feelings:

“Break the teeth in their mouths, O God; tear out, O Lord, the fangs of the lions!
Let them vanish like water that flows away; when they draw the bow let their
arrows be blunted.
Like a slug melting away as it moves along, like a stillborn child, may they not
see the sun.
Before your pots can feel the heat of the thorns–whether they be green or dry–
the wicked will be swept away” (Psalm 58:6-9).

David wrote of his despair to the Lord:

“My heart is in anguish within me; the terrors of death assail me.
Fear and trembling have beset me; horror has overwhelmed me” (Psalm 55:4-5).

He also verbalized his despair to the Lord:

“Why do you hide your face and forget our misery and oppression?
We are brought down to them dust; our bodies cling to the ground.
We are brought down to the dust; our bodies cling to the ground” (Psalm 44:24-25).

Sometimes, he was confused:

“How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your
face from me?
How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart?”
(Psalm 13:1-2)

Sometimes, David communicated his love for the Lord:

“As the deer pants for streams of water, so my soul pants for you, O God.
My soul thirst for God, for the living God. When can I go and meet with God?”
(Psalm 42:1-2)
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At times, David trusted in the Lord:

“The Lord is my light and my salvation–whom shall I fear?

The Lord is the stronghold of my life–of whom shall I be afraid?”
The evil men advance against me to devour my flesh, when my enemies and my
foes attack me, they will stumble and fall.

Though an army besiege me, my heart will not fear; thought war break out
against me, even then I will be confident” (Psalm 27:1-3).

At other times, he was filled with praise for God:

“I will exalt you, my God and King.

I will praise your name for ever and ever.
Great is the Lord and most worthy of praise; his greatness no none can fathom.”
(Psalm 145:1-3)
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XVI. THE LIBERATION OF CONFESSION

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“Confession is good for the soul but murder on the ego!”1

–Anonymous

“Confession is to bring to light the unknown, the unconscious darkness, and

the underdeveloped creativity of our deeper layers.”2
–Fritz Kunkel

“For him who confesses, shams are over and realities have begun.”3
–William James

To combat the abusive practice of the confessional, the Protestants virtually did away with
confession. In the zealous pursuit of doing away with one abuse, we opted for another.

However, this reaction has been more the work of the followers of the Reformers than the
Reformers themselves who understood and practiced confession. We followers have become
proud of the fact that we do no need to go to a confessional and confess our sins to a priest. We
can go directly to God. Because we have heard stories from or about Roman Catholics who
routinely went to confession but went right out to commit the sin just confessed, many of us have
became prejudiced toward confession.

Confession, therefore, has been minimized among Protestants. While we acknowledge the
need to confess our sins to God at conversion, little emphasis is put on it thereafter. If there is any
confession at all, it is only done in secret before God.

Three Categories

To counter such a lack of comprehension and practice concerning what the Bible teaches
about confession, many Protestants have come to teach that there are three categories of
confession: secret, private, and open. Secret sins should only be confessed secretly to
God, private sins should be privately confessed to the person sinned against, and open sins should
be openly confessed.

David testified to the awful burden that unconfessed sin cause. He cried out to God:

“When I kept silent, my bones wasted away through my groaning all day long.
For day and night your hand was heavy upon me; my strength was sapped as
in the heat of summer” (Psalm 32:3-4).

Unconfessed sin keeps us ensnared in guilt. And guilt saps us of all our strength physically,
emotionally and spiritually.
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But this is not the end of David’s testimony. Instead he confessed:

“Then I acknowledged my sin to you and did not cover up my iniquity, I said, ‘I will
confess my transgressions to the Lord’–and You forgave the guilt of my sin. (Psalm 23:5).

The liberating power of confession!

The importance of confession has been minimized because sin had been downplayed. To the
point that we minimized sin, we also minimize God’s grace. We need to see with Paul that
“where sin increased, grace increased all the more” (Romans 5:20). It is because sin is so serious
(deadly) that confession is so vital. Although confession is very basic and elementary, it is critical
to a fruitful and joyous Christian life.

Be Specific

It is important to keep in mind that our confession of sin must always be specific, whether it
is to God alone, to an injured person or to an offended group of people. This is the point Moses
makes when he says.” When anyone is guilty in any of these ways, he must confess in what way he
has sinned. . .”(Leviticus 5:5). It costs us nothing to say. “I’m not what I ought to be” or “I
should be a be a better Christian.” However, it costs something to say. “Forgive me for my
rationalization.”

Many of us use the word “confession”, but do we know what it means? The word “confess”
means “to agree with,” “to open up or lay bare,” “to see sin as God sees it and to say the same
thing that God says about it.” It is the opposite of rationalizing, justifying. It means to look at our
sin honestly and admit to it and ask forgiveness for it.

We never outgrow our need to confess. While pride tells us that confession is the way of the
coward and the weakling, the Bible tells us some forty times to acknowledge our sin by confession
it to God. Solomon put it, “He who conceals his sins does not prosper, but whoever confessed
and renounces them finds mercy” (Proverbs 28:13). Here Solomon links confessing and
renouncing.

Many confessions are not thorough. They are too general. Confession is to be specific. It is
to be made to persons concerned.
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Deeply Felt

True confession is deeply felt. Paul calls it “godly sorrow” which leads to repentance
(2 Corinthians 7:10). You see, there is a “worldly sorrow” which leads to death (2 Corinthians
7:20). The difference between “godly” sorrow and “worldly” sorrow is that “godly” sorrow is
sorrow for the act committed against God and fellow man, whereas “worldly” sorrow is sorrow
over the consequences of sin.

Deep conviction of sin in the Bible is often associated with “weeping” and “blushing.” Jesus
said, “Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted” (Matthew 5:4). Jesus is here
referring to “mourning” over one’s own sins and the sins of others. The Bible is full of references
to men or God who wept over their own sin, the sins of the nation Israel and the sins of the whole
world.

Confession is Vital

Confession, however, is crucial to a proper understanding of our life with Almighty God. It
is only through confession that we are born into the family of God, and it is only through
confession that we can live as healthy members of that family.

The Bible is clear that unconfessed sin separates us from God:

“But your iniquities have separated you from your God; your sins have hidden His
face from you, so that He will not hear” (Isaiah 59:2).

Without continual confession our prayer life becomes empty. God doesn’t always answer
prayer; He doesn’t even hear our prayers when we indulge in unconfessed sins.

It is not enough to confess to God in secret when we have offended a human being. We all
prefer secret confession before God because that is the easy way. Sin involving another person
should be confessed to that person.

If we have wronged another person we must do our utmost to make amends. It may be
property from work that need to be returned, a gossip to be confessed, a lie to be repudiated, a
critical, fault finding spirit to be confessed and repented of, a broken relationship to be mended.
Where restitution is possible, it must be made to make confession meaningful and real.
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As a people who believe in the full authority of the Bible, the Word of God, let us be careful
that we do not become guilty of cheap grace–cheap confession. Let us not presume upon God’s
forgiveness by treating it lightly. Our depth of confession is the barometer of our understanding
and appreciation of His forgiveness.

As children of God and as members of His eternal family, let us keep our channel of
communication and communion open to our heavenly Father. As servants of His, let us be clean
vessels fit for the master’s use (2 Timothy 2:21).

Self-Disclosure

Fellowship requires self-disclosure. John says, “God is light; in Him there is no darkness at
all” (I John 1:5b). We know that light reveals and that darkness conceals. John is saying that God
is light, the one who reveals. And when John says, “. . . In Him there is no darkness at all” he
means that God conceals nothing of Himself. He is open before all. It is only our inability to see
which keeps certain aspects of God hidden from us.

In order for God to have fellowship with man He found it necessary to show Himself to
man. For man to have fellowship with God, he in turn must expose himself to God. This is why
John could write, “If we claim to have fellowship with Him yet walk in darkness, we lie and do
not live by the truth?” (1 John 11:6). To walk in darkness is to live in sin and to conceal that fact.
To walk in darkness is an attempt to conceal our real self from God.

God fellowships with man as He reveals Himself to man, and man in turn fellowships with
God as he exposes himself to God. It follows then, that men fellowship with each other as they are
mutually transparent. John put it, “If we walk in the light, as He is in the light, we have fellowship
with one another, and the blood of Jesus, His son, purifies us from every sin” (1 John 1:7).

John is saying not only that if we walk in truth and obedience (“the light”) we have
fellowship together, but also that if we live honest lives (which of necessity requires self-
disclosure) we experience fellowship with God and each other. Light does not only speak of good,
ethical living; it also speaks of open, honest living. While many Christians do the former, they
often do not practice the latter. God not only requires that we strive to live according to His will,
but that we are also honest enough to admit to the fact that we sometimes fail to live according to
His will.

The result of open confession, of who we are and what we have done, is forgiveness, not
rejection. “If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us
from all unrighteousness” (1 John 1:9). Openness, self-disclosure, exposure and cleaning go hand
-in-hand.
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Cleansing Effect

The cleansing effect of confession is pointed out by the renowned American Psychologist,
William James, when he says:

“For him who confesses, shams are over and realities have begun; he has
exteriorized his rottenness. If he has not actually go rid of it, he at least no longer
smear sit over with hypocritical show of virtue–he lives at least upon a basis of
veracity . . . The complete decay of the practice of confession in Anglo-Saxon
communities is a little hard to account for . . . One would think that in more men
the shell of secrecy would have had to open, the pent-in-abscess to burst and gain
relief, even though the ears that heard the confession were unworthy.”4

It is the belief that our problems are unique, which makes us think that the Christian
community cannot handle our sins and problems. Our struggles, whatever they are, may be unique
to us, but they are common to man (1 Corinthians 10:13). As Solomon put it, “there is nothing
new under the sun” (Ecclesiastes 1:9).

In his book, Life Together, Bonhoeffer shares the vital part that confession plays in a group
of believers who want their life with God and each other to be real:

“He who is alone with his sin is utterly alone. It may be that Christians, notwithstanding
corporate worship, common prayer, and all their fellowship in service, may still be left
to their loneliness. The final breakthrough to fellowship does not occur, because,
though they have fellowship with one another as believers and as devout people, they
do not have fellowship as the undevout, as sinners. The pious fellowship permits no
one to be a sinner. So everybody must conceal his sin from himself and from the
fellowship. We dare not be sinners. Many Christian are unthinkably horrified when a
real sinner is suddenly discovered among the righteous. So we remain alone with our
sin, living in lies and hypocrisy. The fact is that we are sinners!”5 (Emphasis added)

Though we are saints once we have accepted Jesus Christ as Savior and Lord of our lives,
we are sinners in the sense that we still sin. We all struggle with temptations and we occasionally
fail in that struggle. It is at this point of failure that confession not only to God, but also to each
other is so helpful.
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Healing

James tells us, “Confess your sins to each other” (James 5:16). While open confession
brings psychological relief, its main purpose would be to obtain prayer to gain healing: “confess
your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed.” The Greek word for
healing (iatheite) is used elsewhere to denote healing of the soul as well as the physical body.
Such confession encourages the sinner to forsake his sin and be comforted and strengthened by
the knowledge that empathetic friends will be praying for him. In addition, such confession
challenges others in the group to bring their own sins to the light.

Confession to another human being is important because it keeps us from “self-deception.”

If we are already caught in the “cycle of-deception” it can be broken. Other people can help us to
bring to light the naked reality of what we are doing.

Bonhoeffer warns of the danger o confessing our sins to ourselves instead of to God. He
suspects that this is the reason “for our countless relapses and the feebleness of our Christian
obedience.”6 He put it,

“In the presence of a psychiatrist I can only be a sick man; in the presence of a
Christian brother I can dare to be a sinner.”7

We need to be able to be ourselves in the presence of someone else.

In many ways another person’s listening ear, understanding heart and affirmative words can
be of much greater help than the expert counsel of a psychiatrist or psychologist. Healing is our
need, not merely understanding. And healing comes only through forgiveness.

This is the point that James makes: “Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other
so that you may be healed” (James 5:16). The last part of the previous verse stated, “. . . If he has
sinned, he will be forgiven” (James 5:15). And then James states, “Therefore confess your sins to
each other. . .” (James 5:16). The context here is that of healing. James is saying that “if anyone is
sick that he should call the elders of the church to pray over him and anoint him with oil in the
name of the Lord” and that the prayer offered in faith will make the sick person well (James 5:14-
15). Then he states also that if that person has sinned, that he will be forgiven. This is the reason
why we should confess our sins to each other.

Let us unmask ourselves before God and our fellow believers so that we may live in the
light, experiencing prosperity, healing and fellowship.
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XVII. THE LIBERATION OF GRACE

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“All men who live with any degree of serenity live by some assurance of grace.”1
–Reinhold Niebuhr

“They travel lightly whom God’s grace carries.”2

–Thomas a Kempis

Following Paul’s lead, Martin Luther taught that Christians are simultaneously
righteous in Christ and sinners in themselves. Thus our esteem is grounded not in what we do
or even in who we are, but in Someone who transcends all that we do or can do.

This is why the concept of grace is so central to the message of the Bible. The Greek
word for grace is charis. It is seen in the related word charisma, which stands for spiritual “gift.”
In its basic form charis means “undeserved favor,” or “unearned gift.” In fact, by definition a gift
is undeserved and unearned.

The New Testament contains more than 150 references to grace, and most of these tell of
God’s gracious actions toward His people.

First grace describes God in action. From the beginning His grace was manifested in the
Lord Jesus Christ. This was seen in His birth (John 1:14-18) and also in His growth into manhood
(Luke 2:40). Each step in the Lord’s life was marked by the grace of God in action.

Though Paul is “the apostle of grace,” other apostles also sang the praises of God’s
goodness. Peter referred to God as “the God of all grace” (1 Peter 5:10). Because of this
characteristic, God resists proud people and gives His grace to humble ones (1 Peter 5:5). Peter
had learned that lesson of humility the hard way, after he denied Christ before the Crucifixion. The
Lord’s grace was seen in Peter’s restoration following the Resurrection. James reiterated this
axiom of life: God resists the proud but gives grace to the humble (James 4:6)

Grace is significant in the life of every Christian. Paul knew that he was called to the
exalted positions of apostleship by the grace of God (Romans 1:5; 1 Corinthians 3:10). Christians
also are enabled to endure suffering by the grace of God (2 Corinthians 12:9; Philippians 1:7). The
spiritual gifts by which we serve the Lord are also a product of God’s grace (Romans12:6;
Ephesians 4:7; 1 Peter 4:10).

John Newton (1725-1807), a converted slave ship captain, summarized the significance of
grace for all time when he wrote the hymn that is considered the most popular religious song of all
time:
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“Amazing grace! How sweet the sound,

That saved a wretch like me!
I once was lost, but now am found:
Was blind, but now I see.”

To know and accept yourself with your foibles and all, without pretensions, is truly
liberating. As William James, the father of psychology in America, noted,

“To give up one’s pretensions is a blessed a relief as to get them gratified.”3

Self-affirmation does not downplay your pride and sinfulness. Rather it goes beyond your
pride and sinfulness and affirms that “where sin increased, grace increased all the more” (Romans
5:20). Self-affirmation acknowledges that sin and death do not have its last word; love does.

God’s grace is the key to our liberation. It frees you from your need to define your self-
worth in terms of achievement, prestige, physical beauty, prowess, or material well being.

While you can never be worthy or wise enough, you can, with Luther,

“. . . throw ourselves upon God’s grace.”4

When you recognize your pride you are drawn to Christ and to the positive self-esteem
that is rooted in grace.

There is tremendous relief in confessing your pride and being known and accepted as
you are. Having confessed your self-interest and independence you gain what you have struggled
all along to get: acceptance and security. This is very similar to the feelings you enjoy when you
have found a friend who, even after known your innermost thoughts, accepts you unconditionally.

Such total and unreserved acceptance and affirmation liberates you from your need to
justify and explain yourself or to be on guard. For you have been freed to be spontaneous without
fear of losing the other person’s esteem.

God’s Perspective

How you feel about yourself, then, has a lot to do with how and where you gain your
understanding of yourself, God and the world about you. There are only two basic sources by
which you view things including yourself. Either you look at yourself through your own biases
and distortions, or you can turn to Scripture and see what the Bible says about the God who made
you and redeemed you and you can see what it says about you—His crowning act of creation.
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The key to a healthy self-concept is to see yourself from God’s perspective. You do this
by allowing God to be God. To do this you must find out what God is like. When you do this
you see what His attitude toward you really is. Gaining God’s perspective on yourself is crucial to
improving your self-image.

Self-Depreciation

Self-depreciation is a false and damaging attitude. Those who regard a human being as
nothing but a programmed machine (behaviorists) or an absurdity (existentialists) or an ape
(evolutionists) are all denigrating mass creation in God’s image. While it is true that you are also a
rebel against God and deserve nothing at His hand except judgment, your fallenness has not
entirely destroyed your God-like-ness. More important still, in spite of your revolt against Him,
God has loved, redeemed, adopted and recreated you in Christ.
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XVIII. THE LIBERATION OF RISK

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“Nothing ventured, nothing gained.”1

–American Proverb

“Why not go out on a limb? Isn’t that where the fruit is?”2
–Frank Scully

There are some timid souls who never make a venture because of risks involved. No
Columbus ever discovered a new world staying home reading books on adventure. You have to
make a plunge.

Resistance to Change

Almost seventy years ago, William James, one of America’s great pioneer psychologists,
said,

“Any new theory first is attacked as absurd; then it is admitted to be true, but
obvious and insignificant; finally–it seems to be important, so important that its
adversaries claim that they themselves discovered it.”3

His point is that we all are reactionary. In the case of some of us it may be a mild reaction
whereas with others we become obstinate.

Why is it that so many people see themselves primarily as perseveres of the past? Why are
we so resistant to change? Why is change so difficult for us? We need to be reminded that Jesus
compared us to sheep who are hardly known for their proclivity toward change. Rather, they are
known for being stubborn, hostile, and self-willed.

Change requires that you let go of those things from the past that are either painful or
dear. In Genesis there is an interesting statement made by Abraham when he buries Sarah. He
says,

“Give me property among you for a burying place that I may bury my dead out of sight.”

Too often we do not bury the dead “out of sight.” We keep holding on to the dead to our
own detriment. Abraham was able to place his beloved Sarah in the cave of Machpelah and say
“Our life together is over,” and to move on. This is how he honored Sarah. Therefore the past is
served by allowing it to be the past.
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Bruce Larson shares his reluctance to let go of his feather:

“As a young man I had great difficulty accepting my father’s death because I was
away from home in the army. I hid his death inside me for a long time. My father
was cremated, and mother kept his ashes around for many years. Long after
Hazel and I established our home mother married a wonderful man. In time my
stepfather was able to suggest that he didn’t want to live in a house with a former
husband’s remains. So mother gave my father’s ashes to me. At the time, I was
living in Binghamton, New York, and I recall vividly the snowy day that I walked
out alone in one of our beautiful state parks—a place my father would have loved.
I prayed and thanked God for him–who he was and what he meant to me. Then
I opened that box and threw his ashes to the wind.”4

Larson explains:

“Somehow in that act I ‘let go of my father,’ and the scattering of the ashes was
to me sacramental and liberating. I am left with the memory of those seventeen
years that we shared together.”5

The first step of the twelve steps of Alcoholics Anonymous is to get the drinker to admit
powerlessness, that he or she is “powerless over alcohol.” The second step is to confess to
another person the inability to handle alcohol. And the third step is to turn the problem over to
God.

Instead of focusing on their weaknesses they confess their weakness and enjoy a
fellowship with other people who are also weak. This makes pretense less likely. People are
free to be themselves and to be weak people together.

Too often you may find yourself pretending that you are strong instead of accepting the
fact that you are weak.

Twelve ministers and twelve psychiatrists met for a two-day seminar on healing. A
psychiatrist chaired the meeting and started the session with the words, “We are all healers
whether we are ministers of doctors. Why are we in this business? What is our motivation?”
After only ten minutes of intense discussion they came to total agreement: “We are in this business
for our own healing.”6

It is in giving that you receive, it is in healing that you are healed!

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Many of you may turn your problems over to God, but find it next to impossible to ask
somebody else for help. You need to realize that it is your very weakness and your need to ask
others for help that creates authentic fellowship. Jesus did not come to heal those who were well.
As the Great Physician, He came to heal the sick (Matthew 9:12). Everyone is sick. The true
church cannot exist where everyone is strong for it is a family of the weak helping the weak.
Where the weak are helping the weak they find strength together.

Self-Diagnosis of Your Level of Risk

Bruce Larson provides the following self-diagnosis test which should help you find your
level of risk as you consider leaving your safe place and launching into the deep. He suggests that
you grade yourself in the blank before each question on a scale of zero to ten as you understand
your potential in each of these areas. A score of ten will be the maximum, and zero, obviously, is
the minimum. To give yourself a ten does not mean that you are perfect, but that you believe
you’re living up to your full potential in that area at this time in your life. Do not think about your
answers too long. Your instant reaction is probably the most accurate one.

_______1. I allow people to know me intimately, even though I am hurt at times.

_______2. I see positive things in other people and enjoy mentioning them.

_______3. I regularly use my time, influence, and money to help advance some cause or group
I believe in.

_______4. I am able to surrender myself to God in the concrete things of daily life and to trust
Him with my assets, liabilities and opportunities.

_______5. I feel fulfilled in who I am and what I’m doing. I am aware of using many of the gifts
God had given me.

_______6. I am able and willing to pray. My prayer life is what it could be and what I want it to
be.

_______7. I am able to study systematically. (Some of my regular reading is serious nonfiction).

_______8. I can accept negative feelings and deal with them creatively (that is, I do not deny
them, repress them or compulsively act on them).

_______9. I am motivated to carry out projects and assignments that are important to me.
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______10. I am able to deal with my fears. I can identify my fears and I am unafraid of fear.

______11. I believe I have the gift of joy independent o how well things are going at the
moment.

______12. I can react to people and situations spontaneously and creatively as over against being
rigid and stereotyped.

______13. I feel I have the ability to communicate my ideas and feelings one to one or in groups
so that I am understood.

______14. I have specific goals for my future.

______15. I have a love of adventure. I enjoy attempting new things even if I fail.3

Go through this list of abilities and attitudes and check the three areas in which you gave
yourself the lowest score. Copy these down and put them away someplace where you’ll see them
regularly. Begin to claim them as the particular hope of your future and part of your unique
destiny.

You cannot discover all the possibilities God has for you unless you give yourself away to
God and others. The greatest gift you have is to give yourself. Paul testified:

“As apostles of Christ we could have been a burden to you, but we were gentle
among you, like a mother caring for her little children. We loved you so much
that we were delight to share with you not only the gospel of God but our
lives as well, because you had become so dear to us” (1 Thessalonians 2:6-8).
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XIX. THE LIBERATION OF LOVE

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“God proved his love on the cross. When Christ hung, and bled, and died,
it was God saying to the world, ‘I love you.’”1
–Billy Graham

You can spend time and eternity to try to grasp and understand the love of God and never
plumb its depth. You will spend eternity coming to know that love more fully.

A poet and writer tried to capture God’s love with the following words:

“The love of God is greater far

Than tongue or pen can ever tell.
It goes beyond the highest star,
And reaches to the lowest hell.
The guilty pair bowed down with care
God gave His Son to win.
His erring child He reconciled
And pardoned from his sin.

Could we with ink the ocean fill,

And were the skies of parchment made,
Were every stalk on earth a quill,
And every man a scribe by trade;
To write the love of God above
Would drain the ocean dry;
Nor would the scroll contain the whole,
Though stretched from sky to sky.

O love of God, how rich and pure!

How measureless and strong.
It shall for evermore endure,
The saints’ and angels’ song.”2

Eyes of Love

God’s perspective on yourself comes as a direct result of knowing what God’s Word, the
Bible, says about His thoughts toward you. The Bible states that God sees you through the eyes
of love:
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“But God demonstrates His own love for us in this:

While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Since we have now been justified
by His blood, how much more shall we be saved from God’s wrath through Him!
For if, when we were God’s enemies, we were reconciled to Him through the
death of His Son, how much more, having been reconciled, shall we be saved
through His life!” (Romans 5:8-10).

This is a display of God’s perfect love for us.

When Muretus, the poor scholar, was overtaken by sudden illness centuries ago, he was
picked up out of the gutter and carried into a hospital. It never crossed the mind of the two
young surgeons standing by the table on which he had been laid that this mud stained and poorly
dressed “bum” could understand a word of their conversation, for they were speaking Latin.

The theme of their discussion was a certain dangerous operation which was just being
debated in Europe. With sudden inspiration one of the surgeons nodded toward Muretus and said
to his colleague:

“Shall we try the experiment on this worthless creature?”

But Muretus had understood every word. Instead of replying, “I am a scholar and
gentleman. You can’t do that to me!” Muretus in his polished Latin startled the young surgeons
with the words:

“Will you call that man ‘worthless’ for whom Christ died?”

Christ’s death is the ground of our worth! And it is the only basis for esteem for
anyone. The apostle John affirmed this as he stated:

“And so we know and rely on the love God has for us . . . There is no fear in
love, but perfect love drives our fear, because fear has to do with punishment.
The man who fears is not made perfect in love” (1 John 4:16,18).

You do not need to have fear of someone who loves you perfectly. God’s perfect love for
you eliminates all dread of what He might do to you. If you are afraid, it is because of your fear of
what God might do to you, and this shows that you are not fully convinced that He really loves
you.
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John continues by showing us that God is the source of our love: “We love because He
first loved us” (1 John 4:19). Our love for God comes as a result of His loving us first.

The basis for a positive self-image is God’s acceptance of us in Christ. If He has

accepted us, should we not accept ourselves?

Unconditional Love

God’s acceptance and love, unlike man’s, is total and unconditional. God does not love
“because”; He simply loves! That is His nature. “God is love” (1 John 4:8,16).

The nature of God’s love is forcefully expressed by the following poem entitled,

“Unconditional Love”

“Why must we wait, procrastinate, muffle or make someone earn the words
‘I love you’? Why save it for green and red packages under a tree or cardboard
and lace Valentines?

When the world is listening for and hearing the deafening silence of unconditional,
unearned, selfless love?

To be loved without winning the game, or coming in first, getting the promotion,
or owning the new Buick.

Father, forgive our belated eulogies, our vain attempts to compensate our silence
with the words on a granite stone . . . our stubborn pride which makes love so
conditional.

Give us a taste of Calvary if it will teach us to freely say, ‘I love you.’”3

--Jan Markell

Balance

Martin Luther rightly expressed the nature of our self-image and self-acceptance when he
wrote his fourth thesis, “God does not love us because we are valuable; we are valuable
because God loves us.”

Because of God’s love you are constantly in His thoughts. The psalmist writes,
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“How precious it is, Lord, to realize that You are thinking about me constantly!
I can’t even count how many times a day Your thoughts turn towards me.
And when I waken in the morning, You are still thinking of me!” (Psalm 139:17-18).

Phillips Brooks wrote concerning God’s interest in His creatures:

“There is not one life which the Life-giver ever loses out of His sight; not one
which sins so that He cast it away; not one which is not so near to Him that
whatever touches it touches Him with sorrow or with joy.”

The Bible teaches self-love. This is not arrogance or conceit, not narcissism (this refers to
the ancient Greek legend of Narcissus, the boy who looked at his image in a pool of water and fell
in love with himself), not self-glorification and not self-will. These are forms of selfishness that are
clearly condemned in Scripture. A healthy self-esteem is a recognition of the worth imparted to
you by your Creator and Savior. God has established your value in the priceless blood of Jesus
Christ. You count infinitely, because you count to Him. In accepting His acceptance of you, you
are freed to love yourself as He loves you.

Unbalanced Emphasis On Sin

The reason why we have so often missed this teaching is probably related to our emphasis
on sin. Many tracts begin with a statement about man with an emphasis upon the fact that he is a
sinner. Though the rationale behind this approach is to prepare the way for trusting a Savior who
has come for sinners, what happens when a person feels too crushed by guilt he does not feel
worth saving?

The teaching that people are first of all sinners is a product of misplaced biblical
emphasis. The first teaching regarding persons is not that we are depraved sinners, but that we
are the crowing act of God’ very good creation! We are said to be fashioned in His image and
likeness. We have been given breath of His life and cherish an eternal destiny. The little girl was
correct when she said, God made me and God don’t make no junk!”

God’s Image

Scripture relates human worth to the image and likeness of God. Murder is forbidden
because we are all made in God’s image (Genesis 1:26-27; 9:6). Even verbal abuse is warned
against strongly because we were made in the likeness of God (James 3:9).

Theologian David F. Wells gives a penetrating analysis of how the Fall has affected the
image of God in man.
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“This image may be considered from two angles. It is, in its formal structure, the
ability to reason, make moral judgments, sustain relationships, and echo the
creative work of God. In its substance, it is the ability to do all of these things in
ways that reflect the goodness and holiness of God. The Fall destroyed the image
in terms of its substance but not in terms of structure. Those who are now Christ’s

are being transformed by the Spirit of God such that their thoughts, judgments,
actions, relationships, and work will increasingly reflect the holiness of God
through an image in process of moral restoration (Colossians 3:10; Ephesians 4:20).
It is God’s purpose first to produce holy people . . .”4

You are to love yourself in the sense of recognizing the presence of God’s image and
believe that it is God’s self-sacrificing love on the cross which gives you standing in His sight, not
your self-importance.

It is true that you have marred “the image of God” by your disobedience, but this has not
invalidated His love for you. Did not Jesus teach that even the wealth of the world could not equal
the value of one soul (Matthew 16:26)? Jesus gave His life, His all, His best for you and to you
because you mattered to Him! We dare not say, “Christ dies for nothing or nothings.” Everyone
is valuable in God’s sight!

To sin against another person is to depreciate the other. It is to downgrade an individual

by use or abuse, as a tool or a toy or a plaything (Playboy philosophy), a statistic or a cog, a
stepping stone, or a stumbling block. Instead of seeing a person, we see a welfare problem or an
economic factor, or a computerized read out. To see only the function of a person is to
dehumanize or “thingify” an individual. This is the disrespect which leads to all forms of social sins
including immorality, crime, etc.

To apply this to myself means that if I treat myself with disrespect, I can turn myself into
my own worst enemy! It usually follows that those who downgrade others have a low view of
themselves. Hostility for self spills over into hostility towards others. The implication of Jesus’
reminder is that you can love your neighbors when you love yourself.

The Frog And The Prince

Once upon a time, there was a frog. But he really wasn’t a frog. He was a prince who
looked like a frog. A wicked witch had cast a spell on him. Only the kiss of a beautiful maiden
could save him. But since when do cute maidens kiss frogs? So there he sat, unkissed prince in
frog form. But miracles do happen. One day a beautiful maiden grabbed him and gave him a big
kiss. There he was, a handsome prince.
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John felt like a frog. Frogs feel slow, low, ugly, puffy, dropped, pooped. The frog feeling
came to John when he wanted to be bright but felt dumb, when he wanted to share but felt selfish,
when he wanted to be thankful but felt resentment, when he wanted to be great but felt small,
when he wanted to be strong and courageous but felt weak and cowardly, when he wanted to care
but felt indifferent. John found himself on a lily pad floating down the great river of life.
Frightened and disgusted, he was too “froggish” to budge.

Jim was an ambitious young business man whose company expanded from one city to the
next, only to peak and decline as rapidly as it had grown. When he finally was forced to close
down his last office in Los Angeles, he returned home early feeling absolutely defeated. His six
year old daughter came in after school and surprised to see her daddy home, jumped into his lap
and with an impulsive hug and a kiss said, “I love you, Daddy.” Jim began to sob. “What’s wrong,
Daddy?” she asked. “Nothing, really. Nothing is wrong now! I thought everything was wrong, but
you have just assured me by your love that everything is going to be okay.”

Jim related the incident to his pastor and acknowledged that he had been looking for
significance through success in business, but found it in love, a love which accepted him whether
he succeeded or failed in business. Jim felt like a prince again!

God’s Acceptance

At the close of a service during a youth outing, a fellow came forward and from the glow
in his face it was obvious that God’s Spirit had revealed something special to him as he testified:

“I just realized it. It’s not so much that I must accept Jesus. I’ve often heard that
I must accept Jesus and I was struggling with that, but now I feel that the struggle
is over, since He has already accepted me! I belong to Him. Even thought I am so
inadequate and morally unacceptable, I am still accepted by His love and pardoned
by His grace. I am just going to accept His acceptance of me!” (Emphasis added)

Measured by your performance, your righteousness comes up unacceptable. But when you
see the cross you read the extent of God’s love—the price tag He was willing to pay for you. If
that’s how much you count to God, you ought to matter to you.

Victor Hugo perceptively wrote,

“Man lives by affirmation even more than by bread.”5

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Jesus Christ is God’s great affirmation of man. He loves you in your sins, He wants to
change you, but He is totally on your side while you are yet a sinner and He calls you to enter into
His great love and acceptance. When you have done this, then you can go out and become this
affirmation for others, you can go out and kiss frogs.
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XX. LIBERATED!
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Liberation usually takes time. While the moment of liberation, is that–a moment–what
leads to it usually is a time of preparation.

If we were computers, solutions to our problems would be produced in microseconds.

People, however, don’t change that quickly. The agrarian metaphors given in the Scriptures depict
seasons of planting, weeding, watering, growth, and harvesting. Farmers don’t expect to plant
seeds in the morning and harvest their crops that afternoon. Seeds must go through a complete
cycle of growth, receiving plenty of attention in the process, before they mature. In this age of
instant coffee, microwave dinners, and instant banking, we tend to assume that spiritual,
emotional, and relational health will be instantaneous. These unrealistic expectations only cause
discouragement and disappointment.

Jesus pointed out that it is truth that sets us free. Since He is truth incarnate, it is He who
sets us free. But He uses the truth of Scripture to do that. This is why it is so crucial for you to
become devoted to the study of Scripture. Therein lies your liberation!

The Bible is clear: Not only does God see you through the eyes of love, but He also sees
you liberated:

“For He has rescued us from the dominion of darkness and brought us into the
kingdom of the Son He loves, in whom we have redemption, for the forgiveness
of sins” (Colossians 1:13-14).

You have been freed from your sins by His costly blood. Therefore you are now His sons
freed to love your Father and His creation.

Child of God

God sees you as His child:

“. . . those who are led by the Spirit of God are the sons of God. For you did not
receive a spirit of fear that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the
spirit of sonship. And by Him we cry, ‘Abba, Father.” The Spirit Himself testifies
with our spirit that we are God’s children” (Romans 8:14-16).

Tom Skinner, in his book, Black and Free, makes this point beautifully:
 157

“Christ has given me true dignity . . . You see, I am a son of God . . . As a son
of God, I have all the rights and privileges that go with that rank. I have the
dignity that goes with being a member of the royal family of God.”1
(Emphasis added)

God, the Father receives you as a son, and loves you with the same enduring affection
with which He eternally loves His one and only Son. Jesus Himself testified to this:

“May they be brought to complete unity, to let the world know that He sent Me
and have loved them even as You have loved Me . . . I have made You known
to them and I will continue to make You known in order that the love You have
for me may be in them and that I Myself may be in them” (John 17:23,26).

We are all loved by the heavenly Father just as fully as Jesus is loved.

Holy And Righteous

God also sees you as holy and righteous because Christ died in your place and shed His
blood on the cross for your sins. The book of Hebrews tells us that Christ “because by one
sacrifice He has made perfect forever those who are being made holy” (Hebrews 10:14). Of
course, there is a difference between what you are in your day-to-day experience and what you
are in God’s sight. But because you have received Christ, God sees you as perfect. The Christian
life is a process of becoming in your experience what God knows you to be in Christ.

Share In Christ Glory

As God’s adopted son your promised inheritance is to share in the glory of Christ. You
shall be like your “elder brother” (Hebrews 2:11) in every way, and sin and instability will
naturally be a thing of the past. John put it:

“Dear friends, now we are children of God, and what we will be has not yet been
made known. But we know that when He appears, we shall be like Him, for we
shall see Him as He is” (1 John 3:2).

This likewise will extend even to your physical being as well as your mind and character.
Paul speaks of this surpassing grandeur of what awaits you in God’s good plan:
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“I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory
that will be revealed to us. The creation waits in eager expectation for the sons
of God to be revealed. For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its
own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope that the creation
itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the glorious
freedom of the children of God. We know that the whole creation has been
groaning as in the pains of child-birth right up to the present time. Not only so,
but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait
eagerly for our adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies” (Romans 8:18-23).

Everything Jesus has will someday be shared with you, for it is your inheritance just as it is
His. You are among the “many sons” whom God is bringing to glory.

Cognition–How We Think About Ourselves

Cognitive behavioral psychology emphasizes how a person thinks about himself.

Therefore, therapy consists largely of trying to give the client healthier ways of thinking. This
approach has shown to be quite effective in treating depression, which is closely related to self-
esteem issues.

Focus

Closely related to cognition is focus. The problem with self-improvement programs is that
they focus on the wrong thing: yourself. Preoccupation with self will either lead to conceit or
despair. This is why it is so utterly important to focus on the God who created and redeemed you
and on yourself only in reference to your riches in Christ—who you are in Him and what you have
in Him because of His superabundant grace.

At times airplane pilots are not sure whether the plane they are piloting are flying upside
down or right side up. At such times they need to check their instrument panel to find the answer
to this question. By way of analogy, perhaps we could think of the Bible as our instrument panel.
Keeping your eyes on the Bible will help you to remember who you really are.

The following lists introduce you to your riches in Him.

Who Am I?

 I am the salt of the earth (Mt 5:13).

 I am the light of the world (Mt 4:14).
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 I am a child of God (part of His family—Jn 1:12; Ro 8:16).

 I am part of the true vine, a channel (branch) of His (Christ’s) life—Jn 15:1,5).
 I am Christ’s friend (Jn 15:15).
 I am chosen and appointed by Christ to bear his fruit (Jn 15:16).
 I am a personal witness of Christ for Christ (Ac 1:8).
 I am a slave of righteousness (Ro 6:18).
I am enslaved to God (Ro 6:22).
 I am a son of God (God is spiritually my father—Ro 8:14; Gal 3:26; 4:6).
 I am a joint-heir with Christ sharing His inheritance with Him (Ro 8:17).
 I am a temple (home) of God. His Spirit (His life) dwells in me (1 Co 3:16).
 I am joined (united) to the Lord and am one spirit with Him (1 Co 6:17).
 I am a member (part) of Christ’s body (1 Co 12:27; Eph 5:30).
 I am a new creation (new person--2 Co 5:17).
 I am reconciled to God and am a minister of reconciliation (2 Co 5:18-19).
 I am a son of God and one in Christ (Gal 3:26, 28).
 I am an heir of God since I am a son of God (Gal 4: 6-7).
 I am a saint (Eph 1:1: Co 1:2; Php 1:1; Col 1:2).
 I am God’s workmanship (handiwork) created (born anew) in Christ to do His work
that He planned beforehand that I should do (Eph 2:10).
 I am a fellow citizen with the rest of God’s people in His family (Eph 2:19).
 I am a prisoner of Christ (Eph 3:1; 4:1).
 I am righteous and holy (Eph 2:6).
 I am a citizen of heaven and seated in heaven right now (Php 3:20; Eph 2:6).
 I am hidden with Christ in God (Col 3:12).
 I am an expression of the life of Christ because He is my life (Col 3:4).
 I am chosen of God, holy, and dearly loved (Col 3:12).
 I am chosen and dearly loved by God (1 Th 1:4).
 I am a son of light and not of darkness (1 Th 5:5).
 I am a holy brother, partaker of a heavenly calling (Heb 3:1).
 I am a partaker of Christ...I share in His life (Heb 3:14).
 I am one of God’s living stones and am being built up in (Christ) as a spiritual house
(1 Pe 2:5)
 I am a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people for God’s own possession
to proclaim the excellencies of Him (1 Pe 2:9-10).
 I am an alien and stranger to this world I temporarily live in (1 Pe 2:11).
 I am an enemy of the devil (1 Pe 5:8).
 I am now a child of God. I will resemble Christ when He returns (1 Jn 3:1-2).
 160

 I am born of God and the evil one (the devil) cannot touch me (1 Jn 5:18).

 I am a sheep of His pasture. Therefore, I have everything I need (Ps 23:100).2

Since I Am In Christ By The Grace Of God I:

 Have been justified (completely forgiven and made righteous—Ro 5:1).

 Died with Christ and died to the power of sin’s rule over my life (Ro 6:1-6).
 Am free forever from condemnation (Ro 1:1).
 Have been placed into Christ by God’s doing (1 Co 1:30).
 Have received the Spirit of God into my life that I might know the things freely given to
me by God (1 Co 2:12).
 Have been given the mind of Christ (1 Co 2:16).
 Have been bought with a price. I am not my own. I belong to God (1 Co 6:19-20).
 Have been established, anointed, and sealed by God in Christ and have been given the
Holy Spirit as a pledge (a deposit/downpayment) guaranteeing my inheritance to come
(2 Co 1:21; Eph 1:13-14)
 Since I have died, I no longer live for myself, but for Him (Christ—2 Co 5:14-15).
 Have been made righteous (2 Co 5:21).
 Have been crucified with Christ and it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me, the
life I am now living is Christ’s life (Gal 2:20).
 Have been blessed with every spiritual blessing (Eph 1:3).
 Have been chosen in Christ before the foundation of the world to be holy and without
blame before Him (Eph 1:4).
 Was predestined (determined by God) to be adopted as a son (Eph 1:5).
 Have been redeemed, forgiven, and am a recipient of His lavish grace (Eph 1:7-8).
 Have been made alive together with Christ (Eph 2:5).
 Have been raised up and seated with Christ in heaven (Eph 2:6).
 May approach God with boldness, freedom, and confidence (Eph 3:12).
 Have been delivered (rescued) from the domain of darkness (Satan’s rule) and transferred
to the kingdom of Christ (Col 1:13).
 Have been redeemed and forgiven by Christ of all my sins (the debt against me has been
cancel (Col 2:13-14; 1:14).
 Christ Himself is in me (Col 1:27).
 Have been firmly rooted in Christ and am now being built up in Him (Col 1:27).
 Have been spiritually circumcised (my old, unregenerate nature has been removed
(Col 2:11)
 Have been made complete in Christ (Col 2:10).
 161

 Have been buried, raised, and made alive with Christ (Col 2:10).
 Have been raised up with Christ. I died with Christ. My life is now hidden with Christ in
God. Christ is now my life (Col 3:1-4).
 Have been given a spirit of power, love, and self-discipline (2 Ti 1:7).
 Have been saved and called (set apart) according to God’s doing (2 Ti 1;9; Titus 3:5).
 Because I am sanctified and am one with the Sanctifier (Christ), He is not ashamed to call
me “brother” (Heb 2:11).
 Have a right to come boldly before the throne of God (the throne of grace) to find mercy
and find grace in time of need (Heb 4:16).
 Have been given exceedingly great and precious promises by God which I am partaker of
the divine nature (God’s nature—2 Pe 1:4).3

SINCE I AM IN CHRIST I HAVE:

• A love that can never be fathomed

• A life that can never die
• A righteousness that can never be tarnished
• A peace that can never be understood
• A rest that can never be disturbed
• A joy that can never be diminished
• A hope that can never be disappointed
• A glory that can never be clouded
• A light that can never be darkened
• A happiness that can never be interrupted
• A strength that can never be enfeebled
• A purity that can never be defiled
• A beauty that can never be marred
• A wisdom that can never be baffled
• Resources that can never be exhausted.4

Is this how you view yourself? Do you see yourself as God sees you? Read, study and
memorize the Word of God. Hide it in your heart. A mind and heart saturated with God’s Word
cannot retain a poor self-image. Scripture is a cleansing agent. It is your only reliable source of
knowing what God truly thinks of you and how He wants you to view yourself.

Your faith in Christ includes the belief that you are exactly what the Bible says you are.
This does not mean “feeling good about ourselves” on the basis of our own achievements or
virtuous behavior, which would be sinful pride. Rather, biblical self-image means looking at
ourselves in light of God’s work of grace which makes forgiveness and renewal possible. Faith is
 162

praising God for what He has done and is still doing in you and through you. This includes
confidence that God can use you, despite your shortcomings, to advance His kingdom and to
bring joy to others. After all, it is when you are weak that you are strong (2 Corinthians 12:9-10).
Therefore, like apostle Paul, as a new creature in Christ you can press on toward the goal of
Christian maturity as you are being progressively renewed by the Holy Spirit (Philippians 3:12-14;
2 Corinthians 3:18).
 163

XXI. THE LIBERATION OF COMMUNION

 164

While one person hears a thousand words and is bored and/or confused, another person
hears one word and encounters God and thus finds eternal life. What makes the difference?
According to the Parable of the Sower and the Soils (Matthew 13:1-23), it is the soil—the
condition—of your heart.

Thomas Merton distinguishes between communication and communion as two

fundamentally different modes of knowing. Communication is logical, quantitative and practical in
its application. It is a linear form of human intercourse in which each piece of information is given
one at a time and leads up to some particular conclusion. Mathematics probably represents such
language best. And computers are the paradigm of mathematical language in that they are able to
communicate vast quantities of usable, verifiable data that is unaffected by subjective thought and
feeling.

In the last chapter you were confronted with the richness of your religious heritage–who
you are in Christ and what you have by being His child. But this knowledge can be merely
intellectual. If so, you will be mostly unaffected by it. This is where communion or experiential
knowledge comes in. While you could not live without communication—the one-dimensional
mode of knowing—yet, of itself, it lacks the power to convey the deepest hopes and yearnings of
human existence.

A wife tells her husband “I love you” not to communicate a previously unknown, logical,
verifiable piece of information, but rather to articulate what it is that binds her to her spouse. The
repetition of such words is not redundant. Rather, like each new rising of the sun, each new “I
love you” offers new, yet-to-be-explored possibilities. Each “I love you” carries within it the
promise of renewed and deepened levels of intimacy and union.

The “I love you” finds its power in its ability to express the wife’s communion with
her husband. The words themselves evoke occasions of this communion, which is a mode of
knowing not wholly available to what can be communicated in quantitative, verifiable terms.
Words are to communion what the sky is to the stars. The sky does not own the stars, nor contain
them like coins held securely in a pouch. Rather the sky is the matrix in which the stars appear. So
too, the logical content in the words “I love you” cannot account for what the words convey.
They are rather the occasion for the love they express to appear.

The failure to communicate is frustration. The failure to commune is despair. Of

communion, Merton says,

”It is something that the deepest ground of our being cries out for, and it is
something for which a lifetime of striving would not be enough.”1
 165

In the book of Acts we read of the eunuch riding along in his carriage reading the book of
Isaiah. He is approached by Philip, who asks him if he understands what he is reading. The eunuch
responds by saying, “How can I, unless some man shows me?” Philip climbs into the carriage,
speaks to him, and the eunuch finds not information but communion with God. He responds not
by taking notes but by going down into the water to be baptized. Philip’s words came to the
eunuch not in the form of information but as symbols evoking an encounter with God.2

God is our All. Yet so often our aggressive daily routines shatter “the delicate treasure of
God’s presence.”3 Our habits are cataracts that obscure our vision. Our useless labor creates
callouses that prevent us from sensing the light touch of God’s hand.

By daily fidelity to inner silence and solitude the Spirit frees us from these tyrannies. In
silence we allow God to till the fields of our heart. In silence everything is new.
 166

NOTES

PREFACE
1
The Speaker’s Sourcebook, compiled by Glenn Van Ekeren (Englewood Cliffs, NJ:
Prentice Hall, 1988), 321.
2
Elizabeth Wurtzel, Prozac Nation (New York: Riverhead Books, 1995), cover.
3
Ibid.
4
Your Better Self, ed. Craig W. Ellison (San Francisco: Harper & Row, 1983), 50.
5
W. Glenn Wilder, “The Search for Self-Esteem,” Journal of Psychology and Theology 6
(Spring, 1978), 183 cited in Your Better Self, 50, ed. Ellison.
6
Nathaniel Branden, The Psychology of Self-Esteem (New York: Bantam Books, 1969),
110 cited in Your Better Self, 50, ed. Ellison.
7
Your Better Self, 52, ed. Ellison.
8
Ibid., xi.

PREINTRODUCTION

1
The New Encyclopedia of Christian Quotations, compiled by Mark Water (Grand
Rapids: Baker Books, 1984), 633.

INTRODUCTION

1
The New Encyclopedia of Christian Quotations, 930.
2
Ibid., 929.
3
Mark J. Warner, The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Enhancing Self-Esteem (Indianapolis:
Alpha Books, 1999), xix.
 167

4
Elizabeth Wurtzel, Prozac Nation (New York: Riverhead Books, 1995), cover.
5
Ibid.
6
Your Better Self, ed. Craig W. Ellison (San Francisco: Harper & Row, 1983), 50.
7
W. Glenn Wilder, “The Search for Self-Esteem,” Journal of Psychology and Theology 6
(Spring, 1978), 183 cited in Your Better Self, 50, ed. Ellison.
8
Nathaniel Branden, The Psychology of Self-Esteem (New York: Bantam Books, 1969),
110 cited in Your Better Self, 50, ed. Ellison.
9
Your Better Self, 52, ed. Ellison.
10
Ibid., xi.

CHAPTER I

1
Edythe Draper, Draper’s Book of Quotations for the Christian World (Wheaton:
Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., 1992), 550.
2
Matthew McKay and Patrick Fanning, Self Esteem (New York: MJF Books, 1987),
43,44.
3
Ibid., 103.

CHAPTER II
1
Bill Bright, “Is Your Self-Image In God’s Image?” Worldwide Challenge, edited by
Philip DeJong (San Bernardino, CA: Campus Crusade For Christ, 1984), 21-23.
2
George Mallone, Furnace of Renewal (Downers Grove, IL: InterVarsity Press, 1981),
21.
3
C. R. Rogers, Reinhold Niebuhr’s “The Self and the Drama of History: A Criticism,”
Pastoral Psychology, (1958), 9,15-17.
 168

4
J. Powell, Happiness Is an Inside Job (Valencia, CA: Tabor, 1989) cited in Myers,
Reformed Journal, 195.
5
Groucho Marx, Groucho and Me (New York: Dell, 1960) cited in Myers, Reformed
Journal, 195.
6
David G. Myers, Social Psychology, 5th edition (New York: McGraw Hill and D. G.
Myers and M. A. Jeeves, Psychology Through the Eyes of Faith (San Francisco: Harper Collins,
1987) cited in David G. Myers, “Humility: Theology Meets Psychology.”Reformed Review
(Holland, MI: Western Theological Seminary, Spring 1995), 195.
7
Ibid.

CHAPTER III

1
Robert H. Schuller, You Can Become the Person You Want to Be (Old Tapan, NJ:
Arevell, 1973),123 cited in Your Better Self, 54, ed. Ellison.
2
Schuller, “Self-Love: How Far? How Biblical? How Healthy?” cited in Your Better Self,
54, ed. Ellison.
3
John Calvin, Institutes of the Christian Religion, ed. John T. McNeill and trans. Ford
Lewis Battles (Philadelphia: Westminster, 1960), Vol. 2, Sections 1, 2, p. 242 cited in Your Better
Self, 54, ed. Ellison.
4
Nathan Hatch, “Purging the Poisoned Well Within,” Christianity Today, 23 (March 2,
1979), 15 cited in Your Better Self, 54, ed. Ellison.
5
St. Augustine, City of God, XIV, 13 cited in Your Better Self, 55, ed. Ellison.
6
Calvin, Institutes of the Christian Religion, 242,243 cited in Your Better Self, 55, ed.
Ellison.
7
Your Better Self, 55, ed. Ellison.
8
Andre Godin, “Mental Health in Christian Life,” Religion in Medicine, ed. David
Belgum (Ames: Iowa State University Press, 1967), 143 cited in Your Better Self, 56, ed. Ellison.
 169

9
Neal Plantinga, “Schullerism and Church Growth,” The Banner, 111 (March 26, 1976),
5 cited in Your Better Self, 56, ed. Ellison.
10
David G. Myers, “Humility: Theology Meets Psychology,” Reformed Review, Vol. 48,
No. 3 (Spring, 1995), 196.
11
Toronto News (1977, July 26) cited in Myers, Reformed Review, 196..
12
Myers, Reformed Review, 196.
13
M. Ross and F. Sicoly, “Egocentric Biases in Availability and Attribution,” Journal of
Personality and Social Psychology, 37 (1979), 322-336 cited in Myers, Reformed Review, 196.
14
Myers, Reformed Review, 196.
15
Ibid., 197.
16
Ibid.
17
Ibid.
18
Ibid.
19
Ibid., 197-198.
20
Ibid., 198.
21
Ibid.
22
Neil Weinstein, “Unrealistic Optimism About Future Life Events,” Journal of
Personality and Social Psychology, 39 (1980), 806-820; and “Unrealistic Optimism About
Susceptibility to Health Problems,” Journal of Behavioral Medicine, 5 (1982), 441-460 cited in
Myers, Reformed Review, 198.
23
Myers, Reformed Review, 198.
24
Shelley Taylor, Positive Illusions: Creative Self-Deception and the Healthy Mind
(New York: Basic Books, (1989) cited in Myers, Reformed Review, 198.
 170

25
Myers, Reformed Review, 198-199.
26
Ibid., 199.
27
Ibid.
28
Ibid.
29
Ibid., 199-200.
30
Ibid., 200.
31
Abraham Tesser, “Toward a Self-Evaluation Maintenance Model of Social Behavior,
cited in L. Berkowitz, ed., Advances in Experimental Social Psychology, 21 (San Diego, CA:
Academic Press, 1988) cited in Myers, Reformed Review, 200.
32
Myers, Reformed Review, 200.
33
Ibid., 201.
34
Ibid.
35
Ibid., 201-202.
36
Ibid., 202.
37
Ibid.
38
Ibid.
39
Barry Schlenker, “Egocentric Perceptions in Cooperative Groups: A Conceptualization
and Research review,” Final Report, Office of Naval Research Grant NR 170-797, 1976);
Barry Schlenker and R. Miller, “Egocentrism in Groups: Self-serving Biases or Logical
Information Processing?” Journal of personality and Social Psychology, 35 (1977b), 755-764;
and Barry Schlenker and R. Miller, “Group Cohesiveness As a Determinant of Egocentric
Perceptions in Cooperative Groups,” Human Relations, 30 (1977a, 1039-1055 cited in Myers,
Reformed Review, 202.
 171

40
Myers, Reformed Review, 202.
41
Ibid
42
Ibid.
43
Ibid.
44
H. W. Spiegel, The Growth of Economic Thought (Durham, NC: Duke University Press,
1971) cited in Myers, Reformed Review, 203.
45
Myers, Reformed Review, 203.
46
Ibid.
47
Ibid.
48
D. Carnegie, How to Win Friends and Influence People (New York: Pocket Books,
1936/1964), 102 cited in Myers, Reformed Review, 203.
49
Myers, Reformed Review, 204.
50
Ibid.
51
Your Better Self, 58, ed. Ellison.
52
D. Voskuil, Mountains into Goldmines: Robert Schuller and the Gospel of Success
(Grand Rapids, MI: Eerdmans, 1983), 147-148 cited in Myers, Reformed Review, 204.
53
Myers, Reformed Review, 204.

CHAPTER VI

1
Joseph C. Aldrich, Love For All Your Worth (Portland: Multnomah Press, 1985), 39.
2
Your Better Self, 3, ed. Ellison.
 172

3
Ibid.
4
Ibid., 14.
5
Robert H. Schuller, Self-Esteem: The New Reformation (Waco, TX: Word Books,
1982), 15.
6
Gary Fenton, “The Difference Between Pride and Self-Esteem,” Preaching
(January/February 1986), 31.
7
Ibid., 32-33.
8
Ibid., 33.
9
John Piper, “Self-love and the Christian Counselor’s Task,” The Reformed Journal
(May, 1978), 13.
10
Ibid., 14.
11
Remarks made in his presidential address for the Western Association of Christians for
Psychological Studied, Westmont College, May, 1975 cited in Your Better Self, 5, ed. Ellison.
12
Your Better Self, 7, ed. Ellison.
13
L. Festinger, “ A Theory of Social Comparison Process,” Human Relations 7 (1954):
117-140 cited in Your Better Self, 8, ed. Ellison.
Ellison points out that “It is not clear that this holds for those with extremely negative
self-images. I fact, these individuals tend to introject blame and may look for others who are more
dominant and dissimilar to help them maintain their poor self-image” cited in Your Better Self, 19,
ed. Ellison.
14
R. H. Rottschafer, “Self-Esteem and Depression,” Self-Esteem, ed. C. W. Ellison
(Oklahoma City, OK: Southwestern Press, 1976) cited in Your Better Self, 19, ed. Ellison.
15
Your Better Self, 8, ed. Ellison.
16
Ibid., 10-11.
17
Ibid., 12.
 173

18
Ibid.
19
Piper, The Reformed Journal.
20
John Murray, Principles of Conduct (Grand Rapids: Eerdmans, 1957), 68-75 cited in
Anthony Hoekema, The Christian Looks at Himself, 219 and also cited in Your Better Self, 32,
ed. Ellison.
21
Ibid.
CHAPTER V

1
The New Encyclopedia of Christian Quotations, compiled by Mark Water (Grand
Rapids: Baker Books, 1984), 925.
2
Ibid.
3
Ibid.
4
Ibid.
5
Ibid.
6
Carl R. Rogers, “Reinhold Niebuhr’s the Self and the Dramas of History: A Criticism,
“Pastoral Psychology 9 (June 1958): 17.

CHAPTER VI

1
Edythe Draper, Draper’s Book of Quotations for the Christian World, 550.
2
David O Moberg, “The Social Nature of Self” cited in Your Better Self,” 63, Ellison.
3
Hans Mohl, Identity and the Sacred (Agincourt, Canada Ltd., 1976) 142-165 cited in
Moberg, “The Social Nature of Self,” which is cited in , Your Better Self, 63, ed. Ellison.
4
Morris Rosenberg, Conceiving the Self (New York: Basic Books, 1979), 55 cited in
Moberg, “The Social Nature of Self,” which is cited in Your Better Self, 66, ed. Ellison.
 174

5
Shibutani, Society and Personality, 465-466 cited in Moberg, “The Social Nature of
Self,” which is cited in , Your Better Self, 66, ed. Ellison.
6
Arnold M. Rose, “A Social-Psychological Theory of Neurosis,” Human Behavior and
Social Processes ed. Arnold M. Rose (Boston: Houghton Mifflin Co., 1962), 537-549 cited in
Moberg, “The Social Nature of Self,” which is cited in Your Better Self, 66, ed. Ellison.
7
Rose, “A Social-Psychological Theory of Neurosis, 548 cited in Moberg, “The Social
Nature of Self,” which is cited in Your Better Self, 66, ed. Ellison.
8
Walter C. Recless, Simon Dinitz, and Barbara Kay, “The Self Component in Potential
Delinquency and Potential Non-Delinquency” American Sociological Review 22 (October, 1957):
566-570; Michael Schwartz and Sandra S. Tangri, “A Note on Self-Concept as an Insulator
against Delinquency,” American Review 30 (December, 1965) 922-926 cited in Moberg, “The
Social Nature of the Self,” which is cited in Your Better Self, 69, ed. Ellison.
9
Leroy Grunner, “Phasic Progression of Self-Esteem in Teen Challenge–Cross
Culturally,” Paper presented at the annual meeting of the Society for the Scientific Study of
Religion, San Antonio, Texas, October 26-28, 1979 cited in Moberg, “The Social Nature of the
Self,” which is cited in Your Better Self, 69, ed. Ellison.
10
Bruce Narramore, You’re Someone Special (Grand Rapids: Zondervan Publishing
House, 1978), n. p.
11
G. K. Chesterton, Orthodoxy (Ignatius Press, 1995), n. p.
12
Craig W. Ellison, “Saints and Self-worth,” The Alliance Witness, Journal of the
Christian and Missionary Alliance, Vol. 119, Number 2 (January 18, 1984), 4.
13
McDowell, His Image My Image, 42-43.
14
Gallup poll High self-esteem people . . .
15
Ruth Senter, “Nobody’s A Nobody,” Campus Life (1992), 34-35.
16
Robert H. Schuller, Self-Esteem: The New Reformation (Waco, TX: Word Books,
1982), 18.
 175

17
Ibid., 17.
18
Senter, Campus Life, 35-36.
CHAPTER VII
1
Emerging Trends, “Self-Esteem and the Role of Religion,” Published by the Princeton
Religion Research Center, Vol. 4, No. 6, (June 1982). n. p.

CHAPTER VIII

1
Draper, Draper’s Book of Quotations for the Christian World, 459.
2
McKay and Fanning, Self Esteem, 226.
3
Bettie B. Youngs, The 6 Vital Ingredients of Self-Esteem and How to Develop Them in
Your Child (Rawson Associates, N. D.), n. p.
4
Ibid.
5
The New Encyclopedia of Christian Quotations, 711.
6
David G. Myers, “The Inflated Self: Human Illusions and the Biblical Call to Hope,”
Christian Century, 1226.
7
Erik H. Eriksson, Childhood and Society (New York: W. W. Norton and Company,
1963), 247-274 cited in Your Better Self, 194, ed. Ellison.
8
Building a Child’s Self-Esteem, an ICL Concept Book by Donna Foster (Ventura, GA:
Gospel Light Publications, 1977), 10.
9
McKay and Fanning, Self Esteem, 227.
10
Ibid.
11
Ibid.
12
Ibid.
 176

13
Ibid.
14
Ibid., 11.=
15
Ibid.
16
Ibid.
17
Ibid.
18
Ibid.

CHAPTER IX

1
Draper, Draper’s Book of Quotations for the Christian World, 548.
2
Ibid., 546.
3
Ibid., 547.
4
Bruce Narramore, You’re Someone Special (Grand Rapids: Zondervan Publishing
House, 1978), 87.
5
Norman H. Wright, Improving Your Self-Image (Harvest House, 1983), 138.
6
Ibid.
7
Ibid.
8
Ibid., 138-139.
9
Ibid., 139-140.

CHAPTER X

1
The New Encyclopedia of Christian Quotations, compiled by Water, 722.
 177

2
Draper, Draper’s Book of Quotations for the Christian World, 468.
3
The New Encyclopedia of Christian Quotations, compiled by Water, 722.
4
Draper, Draper’s Book of Quotations for the Christian World, 468.
5
Wilson, The Undivided Self, 122.
6
Ibid., 126.
7
Billy Rose, New York Herald Tribune (Nov. 8, 1948).

CHAPTER XI

1
Wright, Improving Your Self-Image, 153-154.
2
McDowell, His Image My Image,156.
3
Bruce Larson, The One and Only You (Waco, TX: Word Books, Publisher, 1974), 55.
4
Lars Wilhelmsson, Making Forever Friends (Torrance: The Martin Press, 1982), 45.
5
C. S. Lewis, The Screwtape Letters (Old Tappan, NJ: Fleming H. Revell Co., 1976), 70.
6
Wilhelmsson, Making Forever Friends, 49.
7
James McConkey, The Three-fold Secret of the Holy Spirit (Chicago: Moody Press,
1897), 69.
8
McDowell, His Image My Image, 163-164.

CHAPTER XII

1
Draper, Draper’s Book of Quotations for the Christian World, 391.
2
Ibid., 392.
 178

3
Ibid., 399.
4
Ibid.
5
Ibid.

CHAPTER XIII

1
Wright, Improving Your Self-Image, 133.
2
McConkey, The Three-fold Secret of the Holy Spirit, 108,109.

CHAPTER XIV

1
Keith L. Brooks, The Cream Book (Chicago: Moody Press, 1972), 62.
2
I. D. E. Thomas, The Golden Treasury of Puritan Quotations (Chicago: Moody Press,
1975), 149.
3
Ronda DeSola Chervin, Quotable Saints (Ann Arbor: Servant Publications, 1992), 156.
4
David G. Meyers, Christian Century, 230.
5
Ibid., 1226-1228.
6
Ibid.
7
Ibid.
8
Ibid., 1230.
9
C. S. Lewis, Mere Christianity (New York: MacMillan Publishing Company, 1943),
114.
10
Lewis, Mere Christianity, 99 cited in Myers, Reformed Review, 204.
11
Myers, Reformed Review, 204.
 179

CHAPTER XV

1
Draper, Draper’s Book of Quotations for the Christian World, 319.
2
Ibid.

CHAPTER XVI

1
Wilhelmsson, Vital Christianity, 111.
2
Draper, Draper’s Book of Quotations for the Christian World, 92.
3
Ibid.
4
Wilhelmsson, Vital Christianity, 121.
5
Dietrich Bonhoeffer, Life Together (London: SCM Press, LTD, 1954), 86.
6
Wilhelmsson, Vital Christianity, 125.
7
Bonhoeffer, Life Together, 93.

CHAPTER XVII
1
Draper, Draper’s Book of Quotations for the Christian World, 282.
2
Ibid., 282.
3
Ibid., 383.
4
Lewis, Mere Christianity, 114.
5
Ibid.

CHAPTER XVIII

1
American Proverb
 180

2
Lloyd Cory, Quote Unquote (Wheaton: Victor Books, 1977), 279.
3
Larson, The One And Only You, 15.
4
Ibid., 68.
5
Ibid., 97.
6
Ibid.

CHAPTER XIX

1
Paul Lehman, “The Love of God,” Hymnal (Nazarene Publishing House, 1917, 1945),
n. p.
2
Frank S. Mead, The Encyclopedia of Religious Quotations (Westwood, NJ: Fleming H.
Revell Company, 1965), 399.
3
David F. Wells, “Self-Esteem: The New Confusion” The Reformed Journal (October
1983), 17.
4
Wilhelmsson, Making Forever Friends, 66.

CHAPTER XX

1
Wright, Improving Your Self-Image, 143.
2
Neil T. Anderson “Who Am I?” Spiritual Warfare (Arrowhead Springs, CA:
Community Bible Study Booklet, 1989), n. p.
3
Ibid.
4
Gene A. Getz, Looking Up When You Feel Down (Ventura, CA: Regal Books, 1985),
147.
 181

CHAPTER XXI

1
The Asian Journal cited in Union Life (May/June, 1994), 19.
2
Union Life, 19.
3
Ibid., 20.
 182

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