Among the blog posts I've written, one of the most popular remains "Why We

Need Closure." I think the reason is because it details the painful experiences
that come from not knowing why a relationship has ended, not knowing with
certainty or clarity our fault in it nor the fault perhaps intrinsically in ourselves
that caused it, or, perhaps worst of all, not knowing how to pick up the pieces,
despite seeing in them some glimmers of hope.

In a similar vein, when in pain caused by circumstances beyond our control,

whether romantic or not, we are often told to "forgive."

Forgiveness, according to Webster's, is "to cease to feel resentment against

(an offender)" or "to give up resentment of or claim to requital for forgive an
insult." As a verb, it is a loaded concept, involving some major components
which shape our self-image, like responsibility, character, and morality. To be
told to forgive, then, is to be told to act in a certain way, as if, in doing so, not
only do we absolve the wrongdoer in our lives, but also ourselves.

Within popular advice, we’re told forgiving whatever betrayal we've endured
holds the promise of setting us free from the past, from our pain, and from
whatever memories ail us. In my estimation, however, when we find ourselves
in the trenches of deep and muddied emotion derived from whoever or
whatever betrayed us, believing that the only possible absolution is to forgive
paves a dangerous path: If we feel we cannot wholeheartedly forgive, we are
then marred by guilt and shame, feeling wrong for not knowing how or being
able to forgive, thereby further sinking us into a state of despair.

The truth is, in some situations, you don’t need to forgive, particularly as
forgiveness is a complex psychological phenomenon, involving both
situational and individual factors. For instance, according to two studies by
McCullough which explored forgiveness, vengefulness, and other factors,
low agreeableness and high neuroticism were found to be associated with
vengefulness, which was also related to (a) being less forgiving; (b) greater
rumination about the offense; (c) higher negative affectivity; and (d) lower life
satisfaction. Some people seem to be simply more capable of forgiveness
based on their personality.

From a less deterministic perspective, forgiveness can also be situationally

based. A good example of this is how much easier it is to forgive when true
remorse by a wrongdoer is shown. The reason, I hypothesize, may be
evolutionary: Remorse suggests that a person recognizes his or her
wrongdoing. The recognition itself is mere evidence of salvation: By
recognizing cognitively the hurtful action, and apologizing for it, the wrongdoer
acknowledges his or her role and responsibility for hurting another
person. Belief that the wrongdoer would betray again is low, given the
acknowledgment or action and pain that they too have suffered, therefore
being unlikely to put not just another, but themselves in that situation again.

But what if there is no remorse shown or acknowledgement of the wrondoing

done? "Forgive them, for they know not what they've done," are the words
purportedly uttered by Jesus before his crucifixion. This compassionate
example displays that forgiveness is possible through empathy, suggesting
that if one is unaware of the consequences of their actions, or the resultant
pain caused, forgiveness is warranted.

What does not warrant forgiveness, however, is true malevolence: When

there is no remorse shown, nor ignorance to blame, but a person has
received satisfaction from another's pain, forgiveness is
unnecessary. Acceptance, however, is. (In the case of child abuse, this concept
is outlined well in Susan Forward's book Toxic Parents.)

For many, it can be difficult to recognize that someone close to us could have
acted malevolently toward us, taken pleasure in our pain, and continued being
hurtful despite having nothing to gain except self-satisfaction. When clients tell
me of travesties they have endured, and how cruelly they have been treated,
particularly in cases of child abuse, the idea of forgiveness often comes up,
usually independently: "I know I need to forgive..." or "I don't know how I can
forgive." These words are powerful because within them lies a concept which
attacks the will of the hurt individual, including his or her self-concept, self-
esteem, and understanding of the world, people, and, indeed, themself. Is there
need to forgive? No, there is need to understand, and to accept, and there is
need to hold the wrongdoer accountable, if even by laying the blame where it
ought to be in conversation with a therapist or friend; There is need to grieve
the idea of what could or should have been; there is need to love the younger
self who has endured the hardship; and there is need to make a plan to move
forward.

Forgiveness is an emotional and psychological phenomenon that likely carries

evolutionary weight, allowing us to function in a society built on trust. In most
cases, forgiveness is healthy, needed, and recommended. Sometimes,
however, there's more power in not forgiving, but learning from encounters of
malevolence, growing, and moving on.