THE ONLY PUBLICATION AT W&M

The Botetourt Squat @botetourtsquat

Vol. 10, Issue 1 ‘Is It News? Probably.’ September 30, 2019

Botetourt Beat Aromas Corp buys out Sodexo

SQUATTER? I HARDLY KNOW HER!
₰ “Sorority C.O.B.s forced to eat ungodly
amounts of corn on the cob: these hand don’t
haze, but they do maze”
₰ Local freshman petitions res life for emotional
support Juul.
₰ Live from Richmond Hall: Where the fuck is
my toilet?
₰ Campus human fish tube (alumni only).
₰ Dolphin.
₰ Hi sisters! :) GGV dorm room tour :) Here’s my
cockroach :) his name is kevin :)
₰ Hooters purchases The Daily Grind
₰ Botetourt Squat and College Republicans
Mixer: Guinness confirms largest number of vir-
gins in a single rooms
₰ Christmas Mouse rattled by lack of business in
late August
₰ William & Mary buildings ranked by raw sex
appeal
₰ FUCK! Cheesebro found the poop sock
₰ Ben Shapiro destroys Morton Hall with facts
and logic
₰ I was there; I wasn’t family -- my rejection from
OliveGarden
₰ BREAKING: You gotta pay the troll toll to get
into this boy’s hole
₰ President Rowe doesn’t make cut for
DoubleTake
₰ “I am not being hazed,” says scared SigEp
pledge, head shaved and ribs showing. “My
brothers love and support me.”
₰ Theatre Department’s production of “Cats” un-
der fire for not being sexy enough
₰ An open letter to President Cheesebro: “Please
give me back my gun.”
₰ The smoothie lady is trying her best but honest-
ly? That’s shit water.
BY DOUBLE CHEEKED-UP CHARLIE
DRINK OF THE WEEK!
With the acquisition of the Daily Grind, they’ll get kicked out. Oh yeah, and students
their mission was nearly complete. Aromas
Coffee Corporation Ltd. LLC™ almost had
a monopoly on William and Mary’s campus.
They just had one enemy left: Sodexo. This
past week, Aromas™ Overlord Agatha Dark-
roast went into meetings with Sodexo Coor-
dinator Bruce Salmonella. After 56 hours of
negotiation, the deal was done. Dark, acrid
coffee smoke rose from the chimneys of the
Sadler center as Aromas™ claimed victory
over campus cuisine.
“We’ve been planning this for ages,” Dark-
roast said nearly incomprehensibly, her face
stuffed with a large, chocolate muffin. “We’ve
been poisoning Sodexo’s food for nearly eight
years now. This is off the record, right?”
With this business turnover, students are
starting to see stark changes to campus food.
“The vending machines are gone,” George
Wallace ‘23 complained. “They’ve replaced
them with troughs full of thousands of stale
croissants. How do they even have that many Aromas Experience™. will have to have one loud conversation
croissants?” “At first I thought it was a great idea,” about a wildly inappropriate topic per day,
Other students are liking the new meals. Chad Troubador, an employee of the Sadler otherwise they lose their meal swipes. You
“I mean, dinner last night was only muf- center, remarked. “But then it got weird. We know, like you gotta discuss the intricate de-
fins,” Julia Mansfield ‘21 remarked. “They had to put in a new sound system to blast in- tails of your knee surgery while everyone else
had blueberry muffins, spaghetti muffins, sal- die music 24/7. We had to push all the chairs around you can hear. Stuff like that.”
ad muffins, basically all the muffins.” into one corner so there’s very little space to With this new stranglehold on the competi-
Critics of Aromas™ argue that their new sit, and you feel slightly awkward waiting for tive food contracts with the College, some are
food contract will make it hard for students your food. We even had to scatter a thin lay- worried about the looming influence of Aro-
to get a nutritionally balanced diet. Darkroast er of crumbs over the floor and tables. I just mas™.
disagrees. don’t get it.” “No, what? I mean, I love Aromas™ cof-
“Listen, I know you little shits live off of But the dining halls aren’t the only thing fee,” Carolina Fambler, Vice President for
hot cheetos anyway,” Darkroast comment- changing. Aromas™ is asserting their domi- Student Affairs, said, while glancing nervous-
ed, her darkly-stained teeth dripping with cof- nance over student behavior. Soon, there will ly over her shoulder. “Can they hear me? Are
fee grounds. “What’s that saying? A piece of be new policies about what you can and can- they listening, oh god, please help --”
double chocolate cake a day keeps the doctor not do when you’re getting food. As Aromas™ expands, they’re always
away? Yeah, that’s it.” “There has to be a white guy playing the looking for new business opportunities.
guitar at all times,” Darkroast remarked, rivu- “Maybe we’ll buy the whole university,”
To work within the new food contract, Wil- lets of iced tea rolling down her cheeks. “And Darkroast cackled, her hair full of bagel bits
liam and Mary employees have spent weeks everyone has to have their laptop open, but and sesame seeds. “The English majors are all
modifying the dining halls to fit the new nobody can actually be using their laptop, or going to end up as baristas anyway.”

For the love of God, somebody tell my little brother he cannot write for the Squat
BY RAT BASTARD
I’M BEGGING YOU
Can somebody please tell my lit-
tle brother he cannot write for the
Squat? Don’t get me wrong, I’m
glad we are still connected de-
spite the distance and isolation that
comes with college. I much prefer
this scenario to him hating me for-
ever for leaving him behind while
I cry myself to sleep knowing the
fact I now lack a sibling bond. But
this is getting a little ridiculous.
I’ve tried explaining to him that
the Squat is not appropriate read-
ing for someone his age, let alone
contributions from someone his
age. I know he thinks he’s mature
(for a tweenager). I know kids his
age are laughing at peepee, poo-
poo, and the like. But dammit, you
are a child. An adolescent. A liter-
al minor. Baby. And I cannot have
your deep fried memes in a news-
paper that makes jokes about sexual
intercourse, intoxication, rebelling
against authority figures, and —
God forbid — juuling. Stop laugh-
ing at BDSM Griffin.
Why do you know about
BDSM?!
I suppose it is one thing to sup-
port your darling older sibling. My
chest swelled when I watched you
play drums in the middle school
orchestra concert, maybe this is
something like that. But writing?
No. No no. No no no. Your partic-
ipation is not welcome in this ac-
cursed organization. I think that
might actually be a federal offense.
And on the topic of writing, your
ideas literally will not land. An ar-
ticle disparaging middle-school
“VSCO” girls? I am literally twen-
ty years old. And the Area 51 raid?
I am familiar with the concept, but
I do not understand the strategy of
sending in the “Eugenes” and “Ka-
rens” in to flank the left — the
hell is a Eugene? And do you real-
ly think people want to read jokes
about sports here? Know your audi-
ence, kid. I think I’m officially too
old for this shit.
I should have never joined this
club. God truly abandoned us in
2011 when the Squat was formed.
AGENDA SETTING The Botetourt Squat § September 30, 2019 § PAGE 2

Microwaves SQUAT ON PROBATION!

Be Like: BY THUNTER H. SOMPSON
BY ACAB ASSOCIATE ATTOURNEY AT HELL, LLP
ALL COPS ARE BEASTMODE WILLIAMSBURG, VA— In an un-
precedented collaboration, the IFC and the
Mmmmmmmmmmmm- Media Council have simultaneously sus-
mmmmmmmmmmmmm- pended The Botetourt Squat’s social privi-
mmmmmmmmmmmmm- leges in response to rampant allegations of
mmmmmmmmmmmmm- hazing. The Squat is no longer allowed to
mmmmmmmmmmmmm- host events or organize meetings on school
mmmmmmmmmmmmm- property. The joint operation was spear-
mmmmmmmmmmmmm- headed by Flat Hat Editor-in-Chief Mi-
mmmmmmmmmmmmm- la Kitchen and IFC President Priam Mac-
mmmmmmmmmmmmm- Glothlin after (unproven) rumours of peer
mmmmmmmmmmmmm- pressuring and overt hazing rituals became
mmmmmmmmmmmmm- too much to bear. But were these two stu-
mmmmmmmmmmmmm- dent organizations justified in cracking
mmmmmmmmmmmmm- down on The Squat? While the two groups
mmmmmmmmmmmmm- were certainly within their rights to put
mmmmmmmmmmmmm- The Squat on probation, I’m here to tell
mmmmmmmmmmmmm- you why it is all utter bullshit.
mmmmmmmmmmmmm-
mmmmmmmmmmmmm- Just because you give a pledging writ-
mmmmmmmmmmmmm- er a beer or two doesn’t mean you’re “haz-
mmmmmmmmmmmmm- ing” them, and just because you strap them
mmmmmmmmmmmmm- to the side of a fence with duct tape and
mmmmmmmmmmmmm- make them chug a Steel Reserve in less
mmmmmmmmmmmmm- than thirty seconds doesn’t mean you’re
mmmmmmmmmmmmm- “abusing power hierarchies.” It’s all a part
mmmmmmmmmmmmm- of the creative process needed to weed out team-building exercises needed to facili-
mmmmmmmmmmmmm- the capable writers from the soft I-don’t- tate growth within our organization.
mmmmmmmmmmmmm- think-I-can-shotgun-a-FourLoko writers.
mmmmmmmmmmmmm- There’s no substitute for character, and
mmmmmmmmmmmmm- just because we try and build character in It’s absolutely absurd that our cre-
mmmmmmmmmmmmm- our pledges by asking them to do wall- ative methods would be branded as “haz-
mmmmmmmmmmmmm- sits until they can’t feel their legs anymore ing,” but what would The Flat Hat know
mmmmmmmmmmmmm- doesn’t mean we’re some sort of tyranni- about satire and creative license? The IFC
mmmmmmmmmmmmm- cal group of sadistic overlords trying to as- ganged up on us with the Media Coun-
mmmmmmmmmmmmm- sert ourselves over other people. cil because they hate fun and take plea-
mmmmmmmmmmmmm- sure in ruining anything that produces joy.
mmmmmmmmmmmmm- When we take out pledges into the writ- Just because we got our writers drunk and
mmmmmmmmmmmmm- ers room, we’re fostering in them a cre- drove them to Jamestown at 3:00 a.m. in
mmmmmmmmmmmmm- ative spirit that’s absolutely necessary in the morning and told them to find their
mmmmmmbeep beep beep this kind of journalism. And just because way back to the Squat office doesn’t mean
that we’re somehow “fostering and en-
we find that creative spirit by tying them
down naked to a chair and rubbing them couraging an environment of abuse and
with Country Crock butter doesn’t mean terror that systematically dehumanizes its
that we are somehow “stripping them of prospective members.” What we’re do-
The Botetourt Squat their humanity.” We’re helping them find ing is bringing them closer together as a
their passion for investigative student jour- pledge class; we’re creating unity within
‘Casus sunt, notabile est’ nalism by bringing them closer to their their ranks by pushing them to their limits.
Tyler 114 own selves, recognizing their own abilities And that, dear reader, is why you should
College of William and Mary, Williamsburg, VA. 23185 and strengths through adversity. So yes, ignore our so-called “probation resulting
when we bought goldfish from the PetCo in a loss of social privileges.”
Contact Us: botetourtsquat@email.wm.edu
and politely asked the pledges to swallow
them with shots of lukewarm Burnett’s,
Current Staff The Honored Dead
that was one of our many Rush Botetourt Squat.
Hallie Feinman, Hark! Julia Wicks, Ghost Child
Christian Borio, The Anna Simpson, Anime Girl
Becca Klinger, Stud-
Justin Bernier, -ents
Jonah Abraham, Senile
Monarch THOTS ON LIFE
Aidan O’Hallaran, Voi-
Trevor Schneider, -ces
Tommy Blackwell, Sellout
Mark Hutchens, Force
W&M’s Premiere Sex and Lifestyle Column
Rachel Lane, Swell-
Natalie Wexler, -ing
Ghost
Zach Rubin, Waifu Ready for midterms?
Lucia Eovino, Strong Andy Goodstein, Golden
Barrett Smith, and God
, True Charles Gowan, Seabiscuit
Lindsay Stolting, and Zack Quaratella, Enigma
Jackson Howell, Cleaaaa- Rigel Kaufman, Milton’s
Alexander Rippey, -ear :) Lucifer
Layout by a whole bunch of loser virgins
Disclaimer: This is a satirical publication and
should be read as such. Not intended to be read
by anyone under 18, Student Affairs, or people
who don’t understand satire. Special thanks to our
Midterms are the opposite Midterm? One? How about once a I’m a film major.
lovely Swem Cataloguers, who have to endure
of an epic gamer moment. week. That’s the life in biochem,
this monthly hardship. Any non-public figures
represented here are either fictional or represeted Can I get an F in the chat? the grind never stops but nei-
with their express consent. Please don’t sue us. ther do I. I’m too #blessed to be
We don’t have money. We don’t have anything. #stressed
 The Botetourt Squat September 30, 2019 PAGE 3

Heroic Twamp actually returns a spoon they stole from Sadler

BY BOTETONY SQUATTANO
BEST TEETH IN THE GAME
In an unprecedented move local Twamp,
Jesse Hartman, cemented themselves in Tribe
history and our hearts by actually return-
ing a spoon they stole from Sadler, proving
to us all that even the most hardened crim-
inals can have a little empathy too. WMPD
Chief Cheesebro in a statement offered “any-
thing, literally anything they want” to try
and repay them for the heroic contributions
they’ve made to the college and the town at
large. “You want more spoons? We got ’em.
An honorary membership to the Williams-
burg Public Library? Shit we got that too.
Fuck it — I’ll straight go down on you that’s
how horned up this act of kindness has me,”
Cheesebro continued.
Prior to the return of the spoon re-
ports coming from the dining hall
staff indicated that the spoon was
returned just in the nick of time.
Had it not been so graciously giv-
en back to the College when it was,
sorority girls were going to “actu-
ally like fucking riot. Like for real.
We’re not joking this time,” as they
would have had to eat their Mosaic
Bowls with a fork “like some sort of
crusty lipped Flat Hat writer.”
Quite frankly, everyone at The
Squat is creaming their pants wait-
ing to see what Hartman will do
next. Speculation says it could be anything stealing every unlocked bike on campus like
from “actually texting their lab partners when some sort of bike hoarding fuck,”
they won’t be there,” to “not although our minds remain open.

Twamps Set World Record! Christian group unknowingly drinks

spiked lemonade.
BY A GOOD CHRISTIAN
GIRL
SHENANIGANS ENSUE
During this past weekend, the Wil-
liam and Mary chapter of InterVarsity
— a good Christian group of students
— found themselves embroiled in one
of the most despicable vices known to
man: drunkenness. During a come-to-
Jesus night of singing Kumbaya, there
were games, snacks, and a specific lem-
onade bowl that was spiked by an un-
known party … and unknown to the
guests. According to reports from the
campus alcoholics, also known as the
English majors, there was nowhere near
enough put in to actually induce drunk-
proached by a member of Metal club,
to which one of the girls screeched in
fear and threw her Bible at him, having
pulled it out of her fanny pack. Soon
they were kicked out of the Chick-fil-
A after trashing the place while trying
to hug the employees, crying that they
were “So nice, so nice, full of honey
and spice.” Upon leaving the establish-
ment, local students claimed members
of the group either passed out on the
sidewalk, drunkenly stumbled towards
their dorms, or fucked off into the
woods while removing their clothes.
While there were no outsider reports
about what happened in those woods,
The Botetourt Squat managed to inter-

NICE
view a crucial source, who has chosen
lol got eem enness, claiming that “anyone who gets
to stay anonymous for the sake of her
buzzed off of this shit is either UwU
baby or a goddamn pussy.” good Christian reputation. Apparent-
ly, after stripping down to their birthday
BY NICE Other students were so Despite this claim, these good Chris- suits, the source recalls the group mak-
moved that they wept, tian kids indulged in their first ev- ing a bonfire, wearing flower crowns,
NICE knowing they would never er night of debauchery after drinking standing in a circle around the fire
see something so fucking the tipsy juice. Reports from bystand- while chanting in Latin, skinning and
A hushed silence perme- tight again in their lives. ers say that the night began with the sacrficing a squirrel, and a long night
ates the room. You could An immediate ban on group walking around campus singing of hot, sloppy, incredibly virgin sex in-
hear a pin (or someone’s refilling water bottles was and trying to hold everyone’s hands. between the blackouts. The source de-
GPA) drop. A mass of placed in order to preserve One bystander even reported that they scribes the night as “The Frickening,”
freshmen crowds around the number. One absolute quoted Smash Mouth songs by disguis- and claims to never want to have it hap-
the water bottle dispenser. narc tried to move the ing them as Bible verses, to which the pen in their good Christian house again.
The number slowly ticks number up and was hot- group collectively wept and screamed
up. Suddenly, the room boxed to death in the study amens into the heavens. However, oth- Currently, WMPD and leaders of
erupts in cheers. The Lem- room. First floor Swem er students claim that I.V. had more of the I.V. group are looking into possi-
on water bottle dispenser attempted to retaliate by a mean streak in their drunken adven- ble leads on the culprit behind the spicy
number has hit 69,420. hitting 42,069 on their wa- tures, such as when the group was ap- lemonade, but at the moment no one
ter bottle refilling station, has decided to be a snitch.
Yes, it truly was a memo- but this was recognized as
rable Friday the 13th.
A few days before the
plagiarism and reported to
the honor council Advice from a Lonely Single Dad
event, one astute resident Hey there, loyal reader! As you may
reminded the group chat As we all know, Lemon is
they were nearing the (un) the ultimate college dorm. have heard, the popular teen trend of
holy number. This caused We contacted William & “vaping” has led to health complica-
a massive uptick in wa- Mary alumnus Thomas tions in a handful of individuals, spark-
ter fountain usage. There Jefferson for his thoughts ing a nationwide panic. Sounds scary,
was almost always a line on their recent antics, and right? Well, in case you hadn’t already
stretching out the door to he spelled out “N I C E.” noticed, everything remotely fun in
refill your water bottle as With their shenanigans this world is bad for you. So just shut
everyone wanted to con- today, I believe that Lemon the fuck up and smoke your USB stick.
tribute to the cause. The will go down in history You’re gonna die broke and alone in a
lines for the hall baths as the chillest dorm at the Motel 6 bathroom anyways.
were almost equally as College.
long.
Katherine Rowe declined Trevor S. is Trevor. He has on-
After the number hit to comment on this mo- ly vaped once in his life, but he’d be
69420, one student with mentous occasion, but a open to exploring the scene in the fu-
particularly red eyes was “nice” could be heard ture. You can find him. I know you can.
quoted as saying, “nice.” from someone in her office. I dare you.
VARIETY
Griffin statue represents College’s
The Botetourt Squat § September 30, 2019 § PAGE 4

athletics well
prominently displayed. Located at the
BY BIGGUS DICKUS statue’s rear facing the football stadi-

FLAT HAT BAD um, the size and detail of the Griffin’s

Oct. 17, in the midst of the College pelvic region is shocking.

of William and Mary’s Homecoming festiv-

ities this year, our athletics depart- Quite frankly, the gratuitous nature of

ment announced plans for Tribe Plaza, the Griffin’s testicles is unbecoming for

a new gathering spot for fans, students our university. There has been extensive

and alumni alike. Several days later, public outrage, especially among stu-

a large bronze statue of the Griffin was dents, about the prominence of the Grif-

unveiled, located centrally in front of fin’s private regions. Multitudes of memes

Zable Stadium facing Richmond Road. Ac- criticizing the new statue flooded our

cording to a press release from William newsfeeds and for a few days, it seemed

and Mary News, the statue was not com- like the College community would nev-

missioned specifically for the College, er move past its new infamous monument. dents been consulted in the decision mak-
was appropriate to justify spending mon-

but for another institution in 2012; fur- The College is already going through ing, this statue would not have been
ey on. But aside from the financial sup-

thermore, it was purchased using private its usual disagreements about Homecoming, purchased or placed in such a prominent
port that was required to bring the Grif-

funds raised through the Tribe Club. alumni events and recent protests by stu- position on campus. While the idea behind
fin to campus, the decision to place this

dent groups. Adding an inappropriate and Tribe Plaza is not necessarily a bad one,
particularly offensive statue in front of

explicit statue to the mix only adds con- the fact of the matter is that the only
Normally, the erection of such a stat- Zable as a demonstration of our athletic

fusion and disarray, and I fail to see thing most students will be talking about
ue would spur debate and complaints prowess was an imperfect one. Upon seeing

how anyone can enjoy the statue after is the anatomical correctness of this par-
about how the school is spending its mon- the Griffin statue, visiting athletes will

seeing it from such an unflattering an- ticular statue. Perhaps the administra-
ey or what campus improvement projects not tremble with fear at the strength

gle. tion should merely ignore the immatu-

our alumni are choosing to donate to, of the Tribe. Instead, it is far more

rity of the College’s young student popu-

but this statue has been the cause of an likely that they will send a few Snap-

lation, but ultimately, what was meant to

entirely different sort of controversy. We are greatly relieved that the statue chats to their friends and enjoy a solid

be a proud moment for the Tribe was in-

The Griffin statue has been the center was purchased using private funds, and we five minutes of unbridled laughter.

stead an uncomfortable and laughably

of widespread student confusion due to the would sincerely question the College’s aes-

awkward one.
fact that its testicles are clearly and thetic tastes if it thought this statue It seems to us that had just a few stu

Visiting high-schoolers learn about Wil-

liam and Mary’s long-standing traditions
BY STINKY
PEEPEEPOOPOO

The Office of Undergradu- ceremony and the President’s

ate Admission announced last Serenade” said Dean of Un-
Hewpfuw Tips w/ Hawwie :3 :3 Thursday that official tours
will now include a visit to
dergraduate Admission Jenni-
fer Lawrence. “I’m so excited
Hewwo!!!!! :3 :3 :3 :3 one of William and Mary’s that we’re able to now offer
Oh noes!!! It is Fweshman Fwu most famous sites where high high schoolers an opportunity
season and so many of my fwiends schoolers will have the oppor- to participate in one of our
have the sniffwes :( make suwe to tunity to partake in one of the proudest traditions” she added.
wash youw hands aftew using the oldest most celebrated tradi- Head William and Mary Tour
westwoom, eating, ow meeting new tions on campus. Starting this Guide Rebecca Aaronson
peopwe. Wash fow thiwty seconds, year, tours will now include noted that the change was
ow ewse youw hands wiww be a visit to the Griffin statue “overwhelmingly” received
fowcibwy wevoked. :3 outside Zable stadium, where positively by the other guides.
prospective students will be “We’re all enthusiastic to
Hawwie F. is baby. In her spare time, given the opportunity to touch begin our new tour routes. I
you can find her in all 69 of her clubs or the Griffin’s oversized tes- applaud the dean for giving
in her room watching the Best Of “The ticles. “It just makes sense the prospective students some-
Voice” Auditions and crying. that we would include a stop thing they can hold other than
about this tradition since we thick packets of statistics only
already explain the Yule Log parents care about.”
 The Botetourt Squat September 30, 2019 PAGE 5

NOVA high school student joins Swampy Memes in hopes of improving admissions chances
BY MR. ROWEBOT
OOF
For those of you still following
along the @wmadmissions account
on Instagram, you might have
noticed they recently changed their
profile picture to ’24 as opposed
to the ’23 we have all been used to
over the last year. This spicy new
picture signifies a new group of
students all around the world are
currently dreaming of becoming
a TWAMP. Don’t wake them up,
it’s kinda sweet to see some people
still have dreams and also who
is actually sleeping during senior
year?! In the past, one could gain
entrance to a prestigious univer-
sity with good grades, performing
well on a standardized test that
is pretending to be standardized,
having your parents pay someone
to photoshop you onto sporting
equipment, or by just being Olivia
Jade.
But we’re in 2019 — a time where
conventional methods to go down
conventional paths just won’t cut it
anymore. Welcome to 2019: an era
where the class of 2024 needs to
use their creativity more than they
use TikTok in order to gain admis-
sions to places of higher education
where they will spend four years
complaining about the workload
and feening the value of their col-
lege tuition off of other people’s
Juuls.
One trailblazer, a kid from NOVA,
venturing off the beaten path with
his dreams of attending William
and Mary, recently sent a request
to the moderators of SWAMPY
Memes for TWAMPY Teens in
hopes that admissions officers will
be flattered by another way he is
showing demonstrated interest.
With a profile decked out in gold
and green, it was assumed he was
an overeager freshman still suf-
fering from Tribe Fever — or at
least the freshman flu. As of press
time, the student has liked 42,069
posts, sent friend requests to every
member of the group, and dropped
in a few of his own memes.
In addition to putting hours of
effort into a dead social media plat-
form, this student has adopted a cat
named Katherine, changed his last
name to Rowe, gotten a tattoo of
a griffin tatted on his teeny bicep,
set his alarm clock to play the alma
mater as his wakeup song, sent a
giant sheet cake of the logo to the
admissions office, and completed
the triathlon throughout his admis-
sions tour to prove why he should
be a member of the tribe. A deci-
sion has yet to be reached, but his
mother Felicity Huffman hopes it
will be a positive one!

Crimes of the Botetourt Squat

According to this Pamphlet I Was Just Handed
BY YOINKS THE CLOWN •
TAG YOURSELF, I’M FORNICATION

• Idolatry
• Worshiping and
having graven im-
ages
• Blasphemy
• Sabbath breaking
• Thievery
• Being a work alco-
holic* • Laziness at work
• Dishonoring thine • Lying whether big
parents or small
• Parents not taking • Greed
responsibility in
taking care of the • Extortion
kids
• Oppression
• Murder**
• Drunkness
• Abortion
• Feminism and the list goes on....
• Immodest clothing
• Adultery
• Fornication
• Homosexuality *workaholic, mayhaps?
** !!!
• Hatred in the heart *** which I think is this pamphlet but
without a cause*** what do I know, I’m a sinner
**** would homosexual porn cancel
• Porn Watching**** each other out?
 SPECIAL REPORTS
Inside the Brain of Sam Jones
BY MR ROWEBOT
ROBOTS CAN’T LOVE
His name sounds like a slightly
more sophisticated John Doe or a
slightly less sophisticated bed and
breakfast in rural Vermont. But
Sam Jones is not an unidentifiable
person or a place that can make
you a maple syrup bath if you do
so wish. Sam Jones is the William
and Mary meteorologist. That’s not
actually his title. His real title is the
senior president for finance and ad-
ministration. But for some reason,
the school thought he was qualified
to make life or death decisions on
when it was safe to have school.
Makes sense in a world where Rick • A ball of hail nails the griffin
Perry is the Secretary of Energy!
While Mr. Jones was out on a
recent bird watch (the scooter, not
the animal!), we snuck into his of-
fice and found a document contain-
ing specifications for when school
should and shouldn’t be canceled.
Across the Sea with Christian B.
Did you know that the age of
consent in the U.K. is 16? But
even then, that’s relatively high by
European standards, compared
to Germany (14), Italy (14), and
France (15). The only two
European countries with an
acceptable, not-fucking-gross age
limit of 18 are Turkey and the
Vatican City. Europe is whack,
y’all. Gross.
Christian B. is in the St Andrews program,
and he’s totally not going to change abroad you
guys. This dirty, dirty English major loves his
books more than sex. Can we get an F in the chat
for Christian :(
CANCELED
statue in the balls.
• The Lemon Residence Hall
concierge catches the freshman
plague (Note: classes will be
canceled for multiple days if
the private chefs and valet also
catch the plague).
The Botetourt Squat § September 30, 2019 § PAGE 5
•
• Six leaves blow off of a tree
within a span of ten minutes.
• It starts drizzling and at least 3
people tell the people around
them that probably didn’t even
notice if they were wearing
mascara that they aren’t wear-
ing waterproof.
• The ice cream machine in
Sadler breaks.
• Sam Jones can’t find his favor-
ite sweater vest.
New freshmen have seen
“Animal House”
BY SOULLESS GINGER
DIRECT SUNLIGHT, OUCH OOF
As another academic year de-
scends on William and Mary, much
like a vulture upon a small rodent,
returning students are running
through a gamut of emotions —
anxiety, dread, unmitigated fear,
and more. However, for incoming
freshmen like Thad Hopkins, the
start of the year is an opportunity.
“I spent the entire summer
watching 80s frat comedies, just
to get ready,” said Hopkins. As I
interview him, the new undergrad
is wearing a letterman jacket, tank
top, and unsettlingly large beer hel-
met. “I’m really excited to rush for
a fraternity filled with wacky, witty,
and downright wild characters. I
plan to get what you might call an
education — in intoxication!!!”
Hopkins is just one of many high
school graduates who have taken
the hottest comedies of thirty years
ago as a blueprint for their four-
year college experience. Take, for
example, Tripp Deanstock. “My
mom told me that it can be pretty
hard to adjust to a whole new social
and academic environment, and
that I should really experiment to
find out who I am and what I like.
My dad said that that was some
saucy bullshit, and hooked me up
with all of these rad VHS tapes of
his favorite movies.”
However, while some have
celebrated their new roles, others
are more apprehensive. “It’s nice
that I’m gonna have some ride-
or-die toga brothers,” said Toby
Nieberwitz. “But I’m a little stocky,
and my last name is vaguely Jew-
ish, so I’ll probably end up as the
wacky chubby friend.” Nieberwitz
SCHOOL STILL ON
• Temperatures in Virginia
reach 6,000,000 degrees.
• Humidity reaches 200%.
• The Sunken Garden and/or
Morton actually sink.
• Chicken Little’s predictions
come true and the sky starts
following.
• Lightning strikes on cam-
pus.
• Every single freshman
catches the freshman flu.
• University of Virginia’s
football team skydives
onto campus demanding to
engage in a “Pitch Perfect”
style riff off.
• A meteorite strikes campus
wiping out Botetourt and
part of the amphitheater.
• An army of mutant gerbils
escape from Area 51 and
set up a headquarters in
the center of the Sunken
Gardens.
elaborated that he was scared that
he’d be defined by a nickname
like “Hedgehog,” “Cucumber” or
“Gordo”, which would make him
immediately recognizable but also
sideline him from the narrative. He
fears a college experience where
his best friends go from zeroes to
heroes while he’s stranded in a me-
andering prank war subplot that’s
just kind of forced in. “It’s not all
bad, though. If I play my cards
right I could headline a spinoff
called ‘The Rise Of Nieberwitz’ or
something.”
Sara Austen, who intends to
major in English and loves sweat-
ers, harbors similar concerns. “I
wouldn’t describe myself as a party
girl — I’m more of a shy academic.
But I guess it’s inevitable that I’m
going to meet a slacker with no
aspirations and, deny it as I might,
become deeply attracted to him
for unclear reasons. He’ll fart or
something and I’ll tell him I’ve
never met anyone like him. Maybe
I fuck a professor in the middle. It’s
all very exhausting.”
Even strong adherents to the
films have their doubts. “There’s a
lot of gay and, I guess, not-white
people nowadays, and they didn’t
really exist back then,” claimed as-
piring greek brother Hunter Gather-
man. “Maybe we just follow that
bit in Animal House where they’re
all scared of black people? I’m sure
it’ll all work out.” Barrett plans
on putting together a screening of
the aforementioned film with his
friends Blaine, Trent, Chet, Tanner,
Chip, Biff, and Dirk, where they
will defend the rapiest parts of that
movie as “classic non-PC comedy.”
OPINION FACT
PEE PEE, POO POO. BUT Y’ALL AINT READY FOR
THAT CONVERSATION.
Give me [Mango Juul Pods] or
Give Me Death!
BY POD RACER
I GO THROUGH PODS HELLA FAST
With the recent regulations put
in place by the Virginia State
Legislature making it harder for
those under 21 to get their hands
on nicotine, many people have
had to resort to other means to get
that sweet sweet mango flavored
lung poison. Local freshman and
self proclaimed “big puff daddy
in the streets” Lachlan Stuart was
a long time Juul user, until the
law passed last summer. Since
Stuart is too much of a pussy boy
to ask someone else to buy him
Mango Juul pods like a normal
human being, he’s had to take an
approach that many find uncon-
ventional — Pintrest. “I fucking
love Mango Juul pods, honestly if
my dick was just a little smaller
I’d be out there clapping those
mango flavored cheeks all day,”
Stuart said when talking to The
Squat.
When he isn’t asking an up-
perclassman “Can I hit your
Juul? Please? Pleasepleaseplease,
just like one hit man, that’s all I
need,” Stuart is working on his
carefully curated Mango Juul Pod
themed Pintrest board. “When
I can’t my hands on that good
good (at this point Stuart winked
and mimed performing fellatio
on what this reporter presumed
to be a Juul) I just sit and scroll
through my perfectly curated
Pintrest board and it almost feels
like I’m getting a hit,” Stuart
said. And he’s right. With nearly
150,000 Mango Juul Pod related
pins, posts, and links — scroll-
ing through his Pintrest board is
the closest one can get to actually
sucking on Satan’s USB. The
posts ranged from pictures of
Juuls, to the pods themselves, as
well as a category labelled “;)”
which was devoted exclusively to
Mango Juul Pod themed pornog-
raphy.
A significant amount of time
is devoted to this board, evi-
denced by his slipping grades
and luckluster class attendence.
“Once I tried to take a hit off of
the vents on the side of the ISC,
but it didn’t taste anything like
Mangos — although it did hit,”
When pressured about what hap-
pened after that experience Stuart
reported, “I passed out for two
hours and woke up in a puddle of
my own shit surrounded by a herd
of horny possums desperately try-
ing to undo my belt,” Although it
apparently left him unfazed, stat-
ing that he had tried on two other
occasions when he “really wanted
to get dicked by the nic.” Since
the time of our interview, Stuart
was last seen running into the
swamp, lead by a gaggle of small
rodents, shouting about how he
wants “Just one hit guys! Come
on, all I want is one hit of that
possum nic.” God rest his soul.
The Botetourt Squat § September 30, 2019 § PAGE 7
What the Fuck Sodexo? Who puts
BONES in their Chicken & Waffles?
BY LUKE HEIMLICH
CAN I GET AN F IN THE CHAT?
I almost choked and dead and in my wallet, but I digress.
they made me pay five dollars. Anyway’s, I sit down with my
friends and start eating. I mean,
I’d like to consider myself it’s not bad, but this isn’t some
tolerant of Sodexo. Hell, I’d revolution.
even say I’m okay with their
food, but this has crossed a new I keep eating the waffles and
line in what the fuck. As some chicken separately until one of
of you may know, Marketplace my friends tell me I was eating
has these specials where they it wrong as if there’s a Man-
make you pay an extra $5 for ual on how to eat this shit[1].
some novelty item, and some- Apparently, you must eat the
one brings up chicken and chicken and waffles together?
waffles. Never tried this combi- Yeah, let me cut up this wing
nation before, but I’m thinking, with my damn plastic cutlery.
“Fuck it, why not?” I quickly I struggle for like 45 seconds
found out why not. minimum trying to cut it, I
manage to get a chunk of meat
So they give me two op- and waffle on my fork. It enters
tions of savory and sweet. Um, my mouth and hey! This shit is
excuse me? You’re going to actually pretty good! All this
try and tell me you can pre- bullshit wasn’t so bad after all.
pare this shit in MULTIPLE
ways? The savory one had You know how in third grade
bacon and cheese in it. I’m so when they teach you about
lost at this point I tell the guy story plot, the protagonist goes
what he prefers. He says the through a bunch of relatively
savory is the way to go, and small bullshit until he must
now I’m concerned that there ultimately face the big piece of
are people who would eat this. bullshit at the end? Well this
They ask me for the sauce next. ultimate bullshit nearly killed
I thought they were just going me. There was a tiny bone in
to put syrup on it and call it a the chunk of meat, and I nearly
day, but nope. THEY ASKED choked and died. No one had to
ME IF I WANTED HONEY do the Heimlich, but I thought
MUSTARD ON MY WAFFLE. I was choking for a good 2-3
Well, if they asked me if I seconds, and to me, that’s a
wanted to, my assumption is good enough reason to write a
that at least one person thinks 460+ word rant about Sodexo.
this is a good idea, so I say sure
let’s go for it.
Then they double meal swipe
me. Yeah, THEY HAD THE
FUCKING AUDACITY to
double swipe my card: two
swipes for the two collective [1] Richard Peters. The Offi-
brain cells that the inventor of cial Chicken & Waffles Manuel,
chicken and waffles has. It’s (Harlem, NY: Artisans Books
better than using the only cash 1956).
¿SPÖRT AND REVIÜ? The Botetourt Squat § September 30, 2019 § PAGE 8

Top 10 Ways-to-Get-to-Class-or-Some-Shit
BY A CROC FILLED WITH BAKED BEANS
MAN OF WEALTH AND TASTE
1. Walking ford shit. That’s why there’s a slightly
It’s the classic way to get around! cheaper option: duck tape a Go Pro to
Plenty of scenery with trees and tour- a drone and perch it on the ceiling of
ists to gaze at. They are an interesting the room so it can safely watch over
specimen to behold, especially when your class like Batman. No one will
they travel in large packs that com- be creeped out by this stalker drone at
pletely block the path to your class all, guaranteed!
that’s starting to two minutes. Of 5. Car
course, maybe you don’t have time This is a good one, but it’s only
for that tom-fuckery. In that case, unlocked to players who have already
you’ll want the superior choice: a suffered the wrath of being a new-
bike. Just look out for pedestrians and bie, aka upperclassmen. Also, cam-
don’t be an asshole. pus is probably the least car friend-
2. Biking ly place ever, seeing as there’s next to
The next easiest method of trans- no parking. It’s probably for the best
portation is the bike. They’ve got col- though. You wouldn’t want to lose
ors, lights, glitz, and glam. They’re your car to the swamp like that horse
basically an extension of your body, in Never Ending story. That shit’s ex-
and with every pedal you take down pensive.
the road, you can feel power and 6. Catacombs
dominance radiating off you. Just Walking through the catacombs
make sure you have a good hand on under Sunky G’s is a great way to
your brakes going down hills because quickly get to class, and it’s a great This one is a bit harder to accom- (though perhaps a fear of heights).
otherwise that power with probably way to prank your friends. You can plish as you need lots of obsidian for 10. Back to the Future… Past?
get you yeeted into the shadow realm. pop out from under the ground and this. But hey, what’s the black mar- Fuck it, this is the last one.
Then you’ll miss your finals. How they’ll say: “Oh my god! Where did ket for? All you need to do is set up If you know the right people in
tragic. you come from?! Why are you cov- one, walk through literal Hell, and ISC, you can most certainly get your
3. A.I. Advancement ered in mold?! Is that your blood? then make another portal. Boom! Fast hands on this treasure: the Time Trav-
Since it is the 21st century, it TheN WHOSE IS IT?!?!?!?” The travel! This method is recommend- eling-Delorean that will give you an
should be taken into account that if great thing about secret pranks: no ed for those living farther off campus, opportunity to skip class for sleep
you feel like your sleeping schedule need to reveal those messy details which is why you can find a portal al- and come back later to see what you
and sanity are more important than about why your textbooks got cov- ready made in the condemned room missed. Of course… if you can go
class (which is valid but the govern- ered in the writings of the damned. of Richmond Hall, the one with no back in time for class… what’s stop-
ment will tell you otherwise), you 7. Scooter toilet that we’re definitely not pissed ping you from going farther back and
can always make class come to you! An excellent conversation starter about. :)))) making sure you say the right thing to
There’s this cool thingy called an and a good way to make friends, as- 9. That Blue Guy keep Jenny from rejecting your prom
iPad roller where you put an iPad suming you have the social skills to We know special collections has invite? What’s stopping you from
with facetime on a set of wheels and do so. Just watch out for the shock. some secret stuff hidden inside. If skipping college and living in the fu-
roll that autobot out. Since the wheels are so close to the you poke around and find a suspi- ture? What’s stopping you from mak-
4. Bootleg A.I. Advancement uneven ground, everything shakes cious looking lamp, all you gotta do ing sure your parents never meet so
Unfortunately, there are some until your hands are numb. Although, is rub one out for the almighty Blue you can finally live out your dream
drawbacks to the previous method. 1. if your into that, you can do even Will Smith ™ and ask for that magic of living in the abyss for eternity?
We’re broke college kids who can’t more by jumping off the scooter at carpet, though it probably has some What’s stopping you from going back
afford shit. 2. An iPad rolling around high speeds. It’s guaranteed to make moths crawling on it by now. You can to make sure I never write this arti-
on a stand is worth a lot of money your legs go boneless! fly to class traffic free and with no cle by breaking my surprisingly small
to broke college kids who can’t af- 8. Nether Portal fear of unnecessary parking passes hands?
Local professor obliterates underclassman at the Rec
BY ANONYMOUS
time, while the increasingly stressed underclass-
FOR FEAR OF BEING HUNTED men lifted every weight he could, the professor
For these past few years, the student Rec Cen- easily following behind. A crowd formed. Could
ter has been graced by the presence of profes- someone finally beat the rec center’s local troll?
sor Mark Greer, local econ professor. Greer is The room became more tense with every second.
campus famous for having Big Dad energy as
well as “trolling” (in his words) students trying Finally, the student hit his limit, at the fi-
to exercise. It’s simple: the professor approach- nal and highest weight setting. He could no lon-
es a student in weight-training and proceeds to ger lift up his own arms, much less anymore
one-up them after their workout, without break- weights. Despite this loss, the cocky fresh-
ing a sweat. What could motivate a man to push man was confident and smirked at the profes-
this hard? Humor. Professor Greer does this sim- sor. There was no way Greer could lift this final
ply for the joy of seeing the faces of the defeat- weight. The terror of the rec center gave a smile
ed youth. Greer continues to instill fear and awe in return and told him it was “Nothing person-
across the student campus. In fact, it has been al, kid.”
speculated that the effort he has put into this pas-
sion may have caused his power levels to rise The moment he lifted the final weight, profes-
beyond what was thought to be humanly possi- sors Greer’s eyes glowed red and the room start-
ble — but these were mere rumors ed to shake. Fellow students that were once gath-
. ered in a crowd now scrambled to the door, try-
At least, that was until a few days ago. With-
in the last week, professor Greer’s art had finally
ing to escape. Greer started laughing as his body
lifted off the ground. Everything around his was
Wanna write for
hit a head. It was a poor freshman, trying to get disintegrating. The teary-eyed freshman, realiz- the Squat? It’s
buff enough for the football team, an already lost ing his mistake claimed “I don’t wanna go,” be-
cause. He was lifting weights, until Greer came fore being obliterated by the sheer power radiat- easy! Show up to
up from behind and grabbed the heavy weight ing off this man, now ascended into god-hood.
the freshman had just been using and lifted it Once the storm was over, Greer returned to his our meetings, ev-
like it was a twig. Unaware of the professor’s
legacy and angered by his lost pride, the oblivi-
mortal form and stared at the charred ground
where the poor underclassman once stood. Ev-
ery Thursday in
ous student took the next level up in the weight eryone still inside stood quaking with fear. What Tyler 114 at 6:00.
training. did Professor Greer have to say, now that he was
an almighty being? What was he going to do to If you want to contact us, write
An audible gasp sounded across the rec cen- the students that survived? Simple. He laughed
ter. Weights were dropped. Runners tripped on at everyone’s shocked faces and calmly walked to botetourtsquat@email.wm.edu.
their treadmills in surprise. A deathly silence set-
tled into the atmosphere. Greer looked mildly
away, satisfied with his troll. Also if you know how to rotate
surprised and asked “Are you challenging me?” This has been written as a warning. Do not text in Microsoft Word, please let
The student foolishly stood his ground and nod- challenge Professor Greer. Do not speak of the
ded. The professor smirked. Shit was about to incident. Do not even invoke his name, or else us know.
get real. Everyone fearfully watched for some he’ll-