Phenomenology of Love

By. Manuel Dy

Book: The Art of Loving

Erich Fromm Mentions love in the present as “falling in love”
3 Reasons: Emphasis on

 Being loved rather than on loving

 The object loved rather than on faculty of loving
 Confusion between Initial State of falling in love & Permanent Standing in love.

>> LOVE, a four-letter word that is not easy to define broadly. Yet let u try to define it through the following
concepts.

1. Loneliness and Love

The experience of love begins from the experience of loneliness. The experience of loneliness is basically a
human experience. There comes a point to a human person’s life when toys and food are no longer
interesting. This is the time when one becomes conscious of oneself and begins to ask the question about his
identity. Along with this experience is also the tendency of a person to seek out to other persons with the
same identity as his. They became his barkada. Very often, however, this barkada does not fill in all the empty
spaces of a person’s life. Very seldom does he find himself in a group who will take him for all that he is,
different from the group. Until this equality will mean oneness in difference, the person will remain lonely amidst
a crowd. In an attempt to conform to the group and hide one’s individuality, his loneliness eventually
expresses itself as an experience of boredom. To overcome this boredom and loneliness, the person may
resort to drinks and drugs or any form of heightened sensation as a temporary escape from reality. Another
resort to overcome the experience of loneliness is to keep oneself busy with creative activity. Eventually,
however, the person will tire himself out and boredom continues to creep in. The answer to the problem of
loneliness is the reaching out to the other person. Love is the answer to the problem of loneliness because it
is only in love that I find oneness with the other and still remain myself. Loneliness ends when one finds or is
found by another in what we call a loving encounter.
2. The Loving Encounter
The loving encounter is a meeting of persons. This meeting is not simply like a bumping into each other or an
exchange of pleasant remarks. I can bump into any person without having a loving encounter. Loving
encounter rather means an encounter that happens between two persons or more who are free to be
themselves and choose to share themselves. It presupposes an I-Thou communication. The loving encounter
requires an appeal, an appeal of the other addressing my subjectivity. This appeal may be a gesture, glance,
etc. – all these can be signs of an invitation for me to go outside of myself toward the other. Often times, I
ignore these signs. To be able to see the appeal of the other, I need an attitude, a heart that has broken
away from self-preoccupation.
What is this appeal?
This appeal of the other is not his corporeal or spiritual attractive qualities. The appeal of the other
is himself/herself. It is a call to participate in his subjectivity, to be with and for him/her. While it is true that I
need an attitude that would enable me to go outside of myself and see the appeal of the other, it is also true
that the appeal of the other enables me to go outside of myself. If the appeal of the other is himself, it follows
that the appropriate response from me is also Myself. The phenomenon of love, hence, is
an intersubjective experience. Thus, if this appeal of the other is his own subjectivity, presented and given to
me, my response and acceptance of this subjectivity is very crucial.
If I do not respect this subjectivity by attempting to change it according to my own preference, I have
already violated against the person. Love means willing the other’s free self-realization and happiness. In
love, the other does not give me his freedom. Rather, the other becomes freer because of me. Willingness to
the other’s subjectivity implies a personal knowledge about the other. I must know what makes him/her happy
and what is good for him/her. Other than personal knowledge, willingness to the other’s subjectivity also
implies willingness for him to grow.
Growth takes time; hence, in love I must learn to wait.

3. Reciprocity of Love
It seems that in the loving encounter the focus is always toward the other. What about me? As a response to
the other’s offering of subjectivity, I also give to the other my own subjectivity. Giving to the other my self
requires his acceptance. In love, I am showing my own vulnerability. There is indeed an element of sacrifice
in loving the other which is often understood by many as a loss of self. However, love does not mean a loss of
self. In loving the other I do not lose myself. Rather, I fulfill and complete it. If my love is to be authentic, the
gift of my self must be something valuable to me. I cannot give to the other something which I consider as a
trash. The other is not a trashcan but seen more as a treasure chest. There exist in loving the other the desire
to be loved in return. The desire is essential but it should not become the motive of loving. I do not love
because I expect to be loved in return. The primary motive in loving the other is the other himself, the “You”.
The “You” in love is discovered by the lover himself.
Since the “you” is another subjectivity, he is free to accept or reject my offer. Rejection or unreciprocated
love is no doubt a painful experience. Reciprocity is a mutual granting of equal rights and benefits. If we
would apply to love is being mutual, love means to give-and take. There is indeed an element of sacrifice in
loving the other which is often understood by many as a loss of self. To be able to love, one must be able to
love oneself first.
4. Creativity of Love
When love is reciprocated, love becomes fruitful; it becomes creative. What is created in love is growth and
self-realization and fulfilment.
5. Union of Love
The “we” that is created in love is the union of persons and their worlds. The union of love, however, does not
involve the loss of identities. On the contrary, there self-realization. We become more of ourselves by loving
each other. As what poet E.E. Cummings says: “one’s not half two, it’s two that are halves of one.”
6. The Gift of Self
“Love is essentially a gift of self. To give myself in love is not so much to give what I have as of what I am and
can become. To give myself is to give whatever that is alive in me. I am able to give myself because I
experience a kind of richness. This richness cannot help but overflow to the other.
But why to this particular other? Why did I choose you and not some other? Because you are lovable, and
you are lovable because you are you.
7. Love is Historical
Love is historical because the other who is the point at issue in love is a concrete particular person, not an
abstract one. The concrete other is not an ideal person but a unique being with all his strength and
weaknesses. To love is to love the other historically. Love, thus, involves no abstraction. Everything in love is
concrete.
8. Equality in Love
If love is essentially between persons, then it follows that love can only thrive and grow in freedom.
Love is not bondage but liberation.
There exists therefore an equality of persons in love.
8. Equality in Love
Love is not a bondage but a liberation. In love there must be no superior/inferior. Freedom must be practiced
w/in love. Freedom to be your own self, and express the mutual love shared w/ your loved one.
Ex: Love being demonstrated w/ our Friends. We accept and respect each other’s differences including
strengths and weaknesses.
9. Love is Total, Eternal and Sacred
“Love as gift to the other as self cannot be but total” A person is indivisible and persists through time and
space. We express authentic love without limit and without periphery. As such, love as a gift of self to the
other as self cannot but be total. “I do not give only a half of me but a total me…”Love, then, is total.
Moreover, the gift of myself to the other is not given only for a limited period of time. In love, I cannot say to
you “you are my friend only insofar as you are my classmate” or “I love you only for two years”. Love implies
immortality; it is eternal. As Gabriel Marcel would say, “I love you” means “you shall not die”.
Love is sacred. The persons involved in love are unique, irreplaceable and as such are valuable in
themselves. And since love is the gift of a person of his own self to other person, their relationship is also sacred.
It is sealed w/ trust, intimacy and even share secrets. Nevertheless, after all the discussions about love, it seems
as if love in itself is never exhausted. Love is a mystery. To see this mystery is to experience it, rather than talk
about it. But what can love do to one’s life. Try it anyway and see if without love, you can be anything at all.