One guy asks the other: Hey, have you ever gone to bed with an ugly woman?

The second guy: No, but I've woken up with a few.

What advice does the doctor give to sick prostitutes?
Stay out of BED for two days.
What's common between U and Christmas tree?
The balls are just for decoration.
Two years ago I married a lovely young virgin, and if that doesn't change soon,
I'm gonna divorce her.
Kiss- Height of luv
Nipple- Peak of luv
Boobs- Shape of luv
Penis- Length of luv
Pussy- Depth of luv
Ass- Base of luv
Testicles- Weight of luv
Fuck- Experience of luv
Suck- Taste of luv
Masturbation- Substitute of luv
Condom- Care of luv
Sperm- Cream of luv
Marriage- Mistake of luv
Pregnancy- Proof of luv
Child- Outcome of luv
I told my wife I want to die in bed. She said, "You did last night - three times
!"
Mary went to the doctor complaining of body odor.
"Do you wash?" the doc asked the rank young girl.
"Oh, yes," Mary answered. "Each morning, I start at my head and wash down as far
as possible. Then I start at my feet and wash up as far up as possible."
"Well," the doc concluded, "go home and wash possible."
The sexy secretary walked into her boss's office & said, "I'm afraid I've got so
me bad news for you"
"Why do you always have to give me bad news?" he complained. "Tell me some good
news for once."
"Alright, here's some good news," said the secretary. "You aren't sterile....."
Three old men were sitting around complaining about how much their hands shook.
The first geezer said, "My hands shake so bad that when I shaved this morning I
cut my face!"
The second old fogey one-upped him. "My hands shake so bad that when I trimmed m
y garden yesterday I sliced all my flowers!"
The third old man laughed and said, "That's nothing. My hands shake so bad that
when I took a piss yesterday, I came three times."
A really, really fat man got out of the shower at the health club. A second man
said: Gee, you're fat!
The fat man: Yeah.
The second man asked: How long's it been since you've seen your dick?
The fat man answered: Long time.
The second man asked: Why don't you diet?
The fat man asks: Why? What color is it now?
Two prostitutes were talking:
We're in the best business in the world
Why's that then?
Well, we've got it, we sell it, and we've STILL got it!
One guy asks the other: Hey, have you ever been to bed with an ugly woman?
The second guy says: No, but I've woken up with plenty
A policeman arrested a prostitute in the Hospital area & asked for her professio
n.
Prostitute: I'm a social engineer.
Policeman: What do u do?
Prostitute: I build & destroy erections
Q: Whats the difference between a computer and a woman?
A: A computer doesn't laugh at a 3½ inch floppy.
A Kiwi farmer was counting his sheeps: "205, 206, 207, hello darling, 209, 210..
.."
When a man of 60 marries a girl of 21, it's like buying a book for someone else
to read.
The definition of an optimist is a woman who loads up the CD changer before maki
ng love.
A French n a Brit gynecologists were chatting. French: Just last week there was
this woman, her cliotris was like a melon.
Brit: That's a lie, she wouldn't be able to walk if it was.
French: You Brits always talk about size; I was talking about the taste.
Condom to whisper: Bloody every month u stop my business for one week.
Whisper: If u make a mistake I lose my business for 9 months.
A female Press Reporter slaps Santa. Banta standing near asks Santa: Y did she s
lapped u?
Santa: On her T-shirt was written 'Press', so I just pressed
Did you hear that Elton John is getting a divorce.......Found out his husband w
as having sex behind his back
As Mike walked into the office on Monday morning, a co-worker asked, "How was yo
ur weekend?"
"I played a round of golf... I hit two of my best balls," he replied.
"Tell me about it," asked his co-worker.
"Well, er, I stepped on a rake"
A young blonde girl goes to the doctor for a physical. The doctor puts his steth
oscope up to the girl's chest and says, "Big breaths."
The girl replies, "Yeth and I'm not even thixteen."
What did the Hen say when Rooster tried to rape her?
Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuckaaak
Sant,a unable to satisfy his wife, took Banta s advice.
While having sex, he asked her: Do u feel any change?
Jeeto: Yes, today u r doing it like Banta
Q: Why are babies so fragile?
A: They are put together with one screw.
 Three boys received their grades from their female sex education instructor.
One got a D+, the second a D- and the third an F.
One day we should get her for this, said the first boy.
I agree. We'll grab her... said the second.
The third guy: And then we'll kick her in the nuts!
Pastor: Do you know where little boys and girls go when they do bad things?
Johnnie: Sure, back of the church yard.
Prostitute: Hi, want to have sex?
Santa: Ok. Only if you do it like my wife does.
Prostitute: I can do it in any way. So how does she do it?
Santa: She does it for free.
What is the difference between a chicken and a baby?
Chicken is the result of a sitting hen while the baby is the result of standing
cock.
What's the diff between a bomb n a condom?
In a bomb blast population decreases & if a condom blasts population increases.
Sometimes I call my husband 'Q'," the wife told her friend.
Her friend asked: Why's that? Is he some kinda superguy like that man on Star Tr
ek?
No, he's a big fat zero with a little dick hangin' down.
Two women were having lunch together and discussing the merits of cosmetic surge
ry.
The first woman: I need to be honest with you, I'm getting a boob job.
The second woman: Oh that's nothing, I'm thinking of having my asshole bleached!
To which the first replies: Wow! I just can't picture your husband as a blonde!
A woman with 14 children, ranging in age from 1-14, went to court to sue her hus
band for divorce on grounds of desertion.
"When did he leave you?" the judge asked.
"Thirteen years ago," the tired mother replied.
The judge was confused. "Well, if he left thirteen years ago, where did all thes
e children come from?"
"Well," said the woman, "he kept coming back to say he was sorry."
Q: Why did the blond get fired from the banana plantation?
A: Because she threw out all the bent ones.
The Five Sizes of Penises: 1. Small, 2. Medium, 3. Large, 4. Oh My God!, and 5.
Is that available in white?
Man gives blood to save his girlfriends life. Later on they split up and man wan
ts blood back. She throws a used tampon at him and says: Pay you monthly, you ba
stard!
Ladies Hostel Caught Fire... It took 1 hour to bring the fire under control...an
d 3 hours to bring the firemen under control.
One car salesmen complained to the other, "Business sucks. If I don't sell more
cars this month, I'm going to lose my fucking ass."
Too late he noticed a beautiful blonde sitting two stools away. Immediately, he
apologized for his bad language.
"That's okay," the blonde replied, "If I don't sell more ass this month, I'm goi
ng to lose my fucking car."
 Q: Which boy has the permission to get into a girls' bathroom and touch her anyw
here he likes?
A: Lifebuoy.
Q: How do we know men invented maps?
A: Who else would turn an inch into a mile!
3 men sitting in a cafe, all wanking.
Waitress: What the fuck are you all doing?
One points to a sign that reads: FIRST COME, FIRST SERVED!
Husband: I fancy kinky sex, how about I cum in your ear?
Wife: No, I might go deaf!
Husband: I have been cumin in ur mouth for 15 years & ur still fuckin talking.
Little gypsy girl: Which way do my knickers go?
Her Mom: How many fucking more times do I have to tell you yellow to the front &
brown to the back!
Tarzan and Jane came to New York and were being interviewed.
A reporter said: Tarzan, what is your wife's name?
Tarzan replied: Jane.
The reporter then said: No, what is her whole name?
Tarzan answered: Pussy.
Name the 5 great kings that have brought happiness in peoples lives? DrinKING,
LicKING,
SucKING,
F*cKING,
W*nKING !
Women are like a pair of rubber boots. When they are dry, you cannot enter them,
when they are wet, they smell and when you walk on the street with them, people
laugh at you.
A man meets a lady at a bar and says: Hi, what' ur name?
She replies: Carman, coz I like cars & I like men, what's urs?
Man replies: Beer cunt!
Banana and a vibrator sitting on a bedside table. Banana turns 2 vibrator I don'
t know why you are fuckin shaking, she's goin 2 eat me!
Customer: Excuse me, but how can this tiny little hand bag cost so much?
Cashier: It`s made of foreskin madam, when u lick it, it becomes a suit case!
After great sex, she lies there stroking his penis.
He asks: Do you want more sex?
She says: No. Just admiring your penis. I used to have one just like it.
A gal tells her Doctor: I've got a bad discharge.
He fingers her & says how s it feel?
Gal: Very nice, but the discharge is in my ear.
The Blue Whale ejaculates over 40 gallons of sperm when mating, but only 10% ent
ers the female, and you wondered why the sea tasted so Fu*kin salty!
A lady walks into the dentist's office, takes off her underwear, sits down on th
e chair and spreads her legs wide open.
"You must have made a mistake," says the shocked dentist, "The gynecologist's of
fice is one level higher."
To that the lady replies, "No mistake, you installed my husband's dentures last
week, now you'll be the one getting them out."
These two fags were doing what comes unnaturally when they were disturbed by a p
oliceman.
They ran and hid in an alley. The policeman searched and eventually found one of
them.
He told him, "when I catch your boyfriend I'm going to shove this nightstick rig
ht up his ass."
Just then a voice from a nearby dustbin called, "I'm over here officer!"
A man walked briskly into the drug store, went over to the pharmacist and said:
I would like a box of Sex-Lax.
The pharmacist smiled and replied: You must mean Ex-Lax.
"No," the man responded: I don't have any trouble going.
A unit in sex education was about to begin, and each student had to bring in a p
ermission slip in order to take it.
A boy handed in his slip and explained to the teacher, "My mom says I can take t
he course as long as there's no homework."
What's the diff between hook in cricket and hook of bra.
One sends ball out of boundary and other keeps balls within the boundary.
An eight-year-old kid swaggered into the lounge and demanded of the barmaid, "Gi
ve me a double Scotch on the rocks."
"What do you want to do, get me in trouble?" the barmaid asked.
"Maybe later," the kid said. "Right now, I just want the Scotch."
Q: If tennis players get tennis elbow, and squash players get squash knees, what
do gynecologists get?
A: Tunnel vision.
Sex is good, sex is fine. Doggy style or 69. Just 4 fun or getting paid, everyon
e loves getting laid. So if u want me in the sack, lick ur lips n text me back.
One day the PENIS tells the balls: Tonight v r goin for a party!
The balls reply: U bloody fuckin liar, u always get inside while v r left outsid
e!
'Great, just what I need,' she moaned as he brought home a new microwave oven. '
One more thing that heats up instantly and goes off in twenty seconds.'
Q: If a married woman is called Polo... The mint with a hole, then what's an unm
arried woman called?
A: Center Fresh.
To avoid condom related accident use 2 condoms with chilli powder in between the
m if outer breaks she will know and if inner one breaks you will know!
Mother: Do u know the meaning of Mangalsutra?
Daughter: Yes, it is the license to enjoy Kamasutra.
A Survey Report: 65% of all women carry condoms. The other 35% carry babies.
Q: What is the difference between a woman and a fridge?
A: A fridge does not moan when there is meat inside.
Q: Why does a woman have two pair of lips?
A: One is for fighting and one is to make up.
 Q: What is the resemblance between a woman and a condom?
A: They both fit around your dick and are present in your wallet.
Q: Why does a stupid blond girl never swim on her belly?
A: When she feels something wet she turn on her back.
When I was born I got the choice: a major dick or a fine memory. I am not able t
o remember what I did choose.
Are mice giving you trouble?
No?
Than you must have a good pussy!
I'm a bit shy...I'd like to have sex with you; you do not have to say yes, just
smile to me!
Q: What's the definition of suspicion?
A: A nun doing pressups in a cucumber field.
Do you know that you would look great with two pounds less ... in my opinion tho
se clothes weigh exactly two pounds !
A kiss is called humanity if its on cheek, love if on lips, passion if on breast
, humor if on navel, sex if on vagina and called bravery if its on ass hole.
A Guy picks up a girl for the date. Why are u wearing ur belt around ur knee.?
Girl: I promised my mom that I wouldn't let you touch me below my belt.
A Greek n Italian were arguing over who is superior.
Greek: We gave sex to the world.
Italians: Yes you did, but we introduced it to women!
A mother taught to her son to go to bathroom by the numbers. 1 open ur fly, 2 ta
ke out ur equipment, 3 pull back the skin, 4 do ur business, 5 let the skin forw
ard, 6 stow ur equipment, 7 close ur fly. She used to check him often n she was
pleased to listen 1,2,3,4,5,6,7 until one day when she heard, 3-5, 3-5, 3-5, 3-5
,3-5.
Thought for the day: In terms of sex satisfaction, woman is like a road and a ma
n is like a traveller. The traveller gets tired but the road never ends!
A teacher: What part of the body goes to heaven first?
A child replies: Feet- coz every nite I see my mum with her feet in the air scre
amin GOD I'M COMIN!
What a rip-off. I went into our local bookstore and saw this huge display with a
sign saying "Newly translated from the original French: 37 mating positions."
Noticing that the books were already wrapped in plain brown paper, I just hadda
buy one. Once safely at home I opened it, out of sight of my wife, and found tha
t I had just purchased an expensive book about Chess.
The doctor was surprised to find old man Jones sitting on the bed holding up his
middle finger and sticking out his tongue. He walked over to the nurse who was
taking his vitals.
"Excuse me," said the doctor, "but why is Mr. Jones sitting like that?"
The nurse replied, "I told him you were going to examine his sexual organs."
A college professor in an art class asked his students to sketch a naked man.
As the professor walked around the class checking the sketches, he noticed that
one of the young ladies had sketched the man with an erection.
The professor said, "Oh, no, I wanted it the other way."
She replied, "What other way???"
"In my case," said the student to the sex researcher, "when I get it part of the
way in, my vision blurs. And when it's all the way in, I can't see a thing."
"Now, that's an most interesting optical reaction," said the researcher. "It may
well have anatomical as well as physiological basis. If you don't mind, young m
an, I'd like to have a look at it."
So, the student shrugged and stuck out his tongue.
When the surgeon came to see his blonde patient on the day after her operation,
she asked him somewhat hesitantly just how long it would be before she could res
ume her sex life.
"Uh, I hadn't really thought about it," replied the stunned surgeon. "You're the
first one ever to ask that after a tonsillectomy."
As a hooker was dressing, she turned to her customer, "Have you just gotten out
of prison?"
"Yeah," the guy replied. "How did you guess? Is it because I wanted to have anal
sex?"
"Partly." She said. "But more because when we finished, you ran around in front
of me, bent over, and shouted, 'Your turn'"
In interview, Santa was asked: Who's Monica Seles? A tennis player.
Ok, who's Monica Lewinski?
Penis player.
Q: Why does a blond need a triangle coffin?
A: Because everytime their head hits a pillow, their legs spread.
Banta: Did you have a chance to sleep with my wife yet?
Santa: What are you saying. I would never even think about such things.
Banta: Well. You might want to. She is much better, then yours.
A man kills a deer & cooks it but doesn't tell kids what it is.
He gives a clue: It's what mom calls me.
Boy cries out: Don t eat it. It's a fucking asshole.
Doctor: Do you watch your husband's face during sex?
Preeto: I did once & saw anger.
Doctor: Why
Preeto: Because he was watching from the window.
A doctor saw a nurse with one of her boobs hanging out of dress. He questioned h
er, Nurse said, "Oh these medical students never keep things in place after use!
"
Santa: If I sleep with your best friend what will be the first thought to cross
your mind?
Wife: That you are a homosexual.
Q: What do you call it when a person with multiple personality disorder masturba
tes?
A: An orgy.
Q: Why do 90% gals have left boob bigger than right?
A: Bcoz 90% boys are right handed.
Unborn twins in the mother s stomach saw a penis.
1st Baby: Dekh Papa aa rahe hai.
2nd: Abe stupid, ye pados wale uncle hai, papa kabhi raincoat nahi pehante.
Remeber: If u need a FUCK, u can always count on me bcoz FUCK stands for FRIENDS
U CAN KEEP. Fuck 4ever & promise me that we FUCK till eternity!
A botany student has brought to our attention the fact that Penis is the only th
ing that has to be grown before it is planted!
Bio teacher: Girls, the size of a penis should be 6 inches for successful penetr
ation.
Girl: Mam, how about 9 inches?
Teacher: I was talking of necessity not luxury.
The young couple were holding hands in the Sunshine Gardens nudist camp.
"When I tell you I love you," he asked, "why do you always lower your eyes?"
"To see if it's true," she answered shyly.
Q: What is the definition of "burning love"?
A: It's when at night you reach out for the Vaseline gel and pick up Vicks Vapor
ub by mistake.
Q: What is the height of shock?
A: When you are having sex with a pregnant woman & suddenly a hand grabs your di
ck from inside!
A gal with his boyfriend opened her legs inviting him 2 fuck n asked: Hamare bab
y ka naam kya hoga?
He wears a condom n says: Iske baad bhi hogaya to Jadugar .
Q: Why women wear bra & panty with flowers printed on them?
A: To pay tribute to men who got burrid at these two places.
Santa standing in balcony without shirt.
Banta, "Wah Santa ji kya chest hai.
Santa, "Eh tan kuch nahi andar ja ke apni bharjai di dekh.
I think my girlfriend has had sixty-one boyfriends before me. She calls me her s
ixty second lover.
Q: What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?
A: If we don't get some support people are going to think we're nuts!
One woman stops a taxi- To the airport, please.
After ten minutes the taxi driver, watching the woman in the mirror, says: You a
re third pregnant woman that I have driven to the airport today.
Are you kidding me, I am not pregnant.
Well, you haven t arrived to the airport yet neither.
A recent survey was conducted to discover why men get out of bed in the middle o
f the night: Five percent said it was to get a glass of water. Twelve percent sa
id it was to go to the bathroom. Eighty-three percent said it was to go home.
Jim says, "My wife lets me subscribe to National Geographic and Playboy for the
same reason."
Steve says, "Why's that?"
Jim says, "Because with both magazines, I get to see places I'll never get to vi
sit."
Director commands during shooting a porn film:
LIGHTS
CAMERA
MUSIC
ERECTION (ACTION)