How trials can make your marriage better

I remember the moment I stood before my groom and recited my wedding vows. I certainly
didn’t expect life to be perfect, but I assumed my marriage would be filled with more of
“better” than “worse.”

With stars in my eyes, and blissfully unaware of what the future would hold, I confidently
vowed, “I take you, Jeff, to be my lawful husband, to have and to hold, from this day
forward, for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, for as
long as we both shall live.”

That was almost 13 years ago.

Trials can test your marriage vows

Little did I know those thirteen years would hold chronic illness, financial loss, special
needs, suffering children, marital strain, and overwhelming stress. I never imagined that
I’d experience so much of the “worse, poorer, and in sickness” part of our vows.

But I’m grateful as I reflect on the unexpected trials that have tested our marriage. In
God’s goodness, the “worse” parts of our marriage have ushered in a deeper, Christ-
centered experience of the “better.” This hasn’t come without the pain of loss and failure;
yet Christ has used it to mature us in him, change our character, and increase our love
for each other.

This, of course, is only possible with and through Christ. While God can certainly change
the heart of a non-believing spouse and use the pain of unbelief to draw both spouses to
himself, the following truths reflect a husband and wife who’ve put their faith in Christ and
desire to follow him. If you’re married to an unbelieving spouse, I pray God will use the
trials to draw them to a saving faith in Christ.

Trials can make your marriage better

So how can the “worse, poorer, and in sickness” parts of marriage bring about a “better”
richness in our relationship with Christ and one another?

Trials reveal our inability to meet our spouse’s deepest needs, teaching us to look to
Christ instead (Phil. 4:19; Col. 3:1-3).

When pain hits, it’s natural to look to each other for comfort, security, happiness, and
strength. I believe God allows us to experience seasons where our spouse falls short of
filling our emptiness and providing for our needs because we so easily look to each other
to fill that void, rather than Christ. However, seeing that our spouse is incapable of
meeting our deepest needs can be God’s grace. Lord willing, our eyes will gradually be
taken off our spouse and placed on Christ, where they were always intended to be.

As we look to Christ to meet our needs, be our security, comfort our aching hearts, and
convict us of sin, we are more likely to come to our spouses ready to love, give, and talk
with openness, rather than finger-pointing, demands, and insecurity. Though this is a
lifelong process and we will continue to fail, Christ can use these afflictions to grow our
character and marriage.

Trials expose our sin, reminding us that we can’t change each other, but Christ can
change us both (Matt. 7:3-5).

When I’m not feeling well, I quickly become impatient, irritated, even angry when my
spouse or kids rub me the wrong way. In that moment, it’s easy for me to point the finger
at my family as the cause of my irritation when, in reality, my sin is the real issue.

It’s tempting to focus on our mate’s sin when life gets hard. But it’s freeing that we haven’t
been given the role of changing our spouse! God alone has that power and wisdom. As
God has used the “pressure” to reveal our sin, he has slowly helped us take our eyes off
each other, bringing us to our knees in repentance and dependence on him. As we grow
in humility, seeing our own sin more clearly, we also grow in compassion and patience
toward our spouse in their own struggles with sin.
Trials teach us to appreciate our spouse’s God-given strengths (1 Cor. 12:12-27).

I always knew my husband was a hard worker. But since he lost his job, I’ve seen that
strength in a new light. As I’ve watched him pour himself into job searching every day for
months without quitting, I have new respect for the strength he brings to our marriage. (I
would’ve been tempted to jump on a plane to Maui, rather than start over!)

Trials have grown my appreciation for the strengths God has given my husband,
especially in areas that are weaknesses for me. It’s a gift in marriage when we learn to
appreciate our spouse’s unique strengths. We’re often unified as we see the blessing of
a helpmate who was created with different strengths and gifts for God’s purposes.

Trials help us grasp how marriage reflects the beauty of Christ and the church (Eph. 5:21-
33).

Christ has chosen us, loved us, and sacrificed himself for us. As his bride, we are to
submit to him, love him, and follow him wholeheartedly, no matter the cost. Suffering will
come, storms will rage, and temptations will arise, but we are one with Christ, and
therefore we cannot be separated from his love.

Marriage reflects our relationship with Christ, and nothing displays this more than when
a husband loves, serves, and humbly leads his wife—even when it takes great sacrifice.
Similarly, nothing displays the church’s love for Christ more than when a wife respects,
honors, and loves her husband—even at great cost to herself.

When we face trials as a couple, we can increasingly reflect Christ and the gospel as we
grow in dependence on him, learn to humbly confess our sin, encourage each other’s
strengths, bear with each other’s weaknesses, and commit to loving one another through
the valleys. As we do this, we not only reflect Christ to those around us, but we
simultaneously reflect Christ to our spouse.