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Volume 53 - Issue 6

October 9, 2019
theeyeopener.com
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Since 1967

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NEWS 3

Ryerson to provide free menustral Editor-in-Chief


Sarah “Dean Craig Pelton”
Libaan “Señor Ben Chang” Os-
man
Rahma “Vicki Jenkins” Borges
Jaedyn “Annie Kim” Muir
products during exam season Krichel Caleb “ The Greendale Human Be-
Biz & Tech ing” Rogers
By Reedah Hayder “There’s a lot of stigma around News Nathaniel “Jeff Winger” Crouch
periods. Even now when I talk to Emma “Britta Perry” Sandri Contributors
The Eliminate Period Poverty cam- my mom about my charity, it’s a dif- Madi “Annie Edison” Wong Communities Kiernan “Whole Lotta Energy”
paign by Ryerson’s Centre for Safer ficult subject,” said Brandford. Valerie “Shirley Bennett” Dittrich Kieona “Garrett Lambert” George Green
Sex & Sexual Violence Support Maryam Mohamed, a first-year Jonathan “Words On The Street”
(CSSSVS) will provide students new media student, said while it’s Photo Fun & Satire Bradley
with free menstrual products during hard to break the stigma around Elana “Prof. June Bauer” Emer Andrea “Magnitude” Josic Jessica “Democracy Darling” Mazze
exam season. periods, it’s an important topic to Khaled “Prof. Sean Garrity” Reedah “Periodt.” Haydar
Last spring, Ryerson’s CSSSVS talk about. Badawi Media Mariam “Eager Beaver” Nouser
saved students $4,000 in menstrual “I think events like [the Eliminate Pernia “Prof. Ian Duncan” Jam- Raneem “Leonard Rodriguez” Denise “Jagmeet Singh In It For
products during exam season, ac- Period Poverty party] help students shed Alozzi You” Paglinawan
cording to Sydney Bothwell, a full- know that it’s okay to talk about it,” Parnika “Vaughn Miller” Raj Heidi “The More They Will See”
time coordinator for the CSSSVS. said Mohamed. Online Lee
This semester, the centre is working The Eyeopener visited 102 wash- Funké “Abed Nadir” Joseph General Manager Ash’er “He’s From NY” X
to double that number. rooms in 14 buildings on campus Kosalan “Troy Barnes” Kathira- Liane “Todd Jacobson” McLarty Curtis “The Photo Man” Martin
CSSSVS provides easy access to in January. Seventy-one wash- malanathan Joseph “World” Shenouda
free menstrual products year-round rooms had no dispenser and 31 Advertising Manager Gavin “Lowry Got An Extension”
in their office at the Student Cam- had an empty dispenser, still ad- Features Chris “Rich Stephenson” Roberts Axelrod
pus Centre on the third floor. vertising prices ranging from 10 Sherina “Alex ‘Star-Burns’ Os- Troy “Hockey Guy” Langstaff
All Ryerson buildings will be cents to a dollar. There were no bourne” Harris Design Director Justin “Buddy” Walters
stocked with pads, tampons, liners signs on the machines indicating J.D. “Harry Jefferson” Mowat Megan “Harry Styles Is Coming”
and personal wipes during the two- they were empty, and at the time Arts & Culture Mullen
week exam period. of reporting, Ryerson had no plans Tyler “Prof. Eustice Whitman” Interns Hayden “PSL” Godfrey
A kick-off party for the program to restock. Griffin Kaizer “Sgt. Nuñez” Tolentino Jimmy “Jim Jam” Kwan
took place on Oct. 4 and was orga- The CSSSVS will have 40 vol- Leul “Crazy Schmidt” Mengestu Jaime Lynn “Too Good For Us”
nized by the CSSSVS in collabora- unteers and five coordinators go- Sports Kaye “Mark Millot” Joy Reyes Maria Strand
tion with Toronto Red Dot Project ing around Monday to Friday,
and the Help a Girl Out Charity, a restocking menstrual product bas-
non-profit that provides menstrual kets in washrooms.
products to people in need. “We are currently talking to other
This year, members from Help student groups at [the University
a Girl Out will be travelling to of Toronto] and other institutions
Jamaica during the winter holi- who are working to eliminate pe-
day season to provide 600 middle riod poverty among the homeless
school girls from five schools with population,” said Bothwell.
menstrual products. At the event, there was also a ILLUSTRATION: KHALED BADAWI
Speakers at the event talked about Make-Your-Own Period “Survival” Or don’t. Happy Sleeping Week, folks
issues around period poverty, such Kit station that invited students to
as a lack of access to menstrual edu- fill powder bags with their choice of
cation and products and how these menstrual products, including tam-
organizations are working to tackle pons, personal wipes, period under-
these issues. wear and mini chocolates.
“When I moved to Canada from The CSSSVS event also touched
Jamaica, I thought I had escaped on the need for better education
period poverty, but it’s not just a around periods in school.
third-world problem,” said Yanique Bothwell said the centre is hoping
Brandford, founder of non-profit to have more similar events, adding
Help a Girl Out. “It’s a hidden issue that the Make-Your-Own kit was a
in the first-world because no one huge hit, “so we hope to incorporate
wants to talk about it.” that as well.”

Disclaimer: Advertising allows us to remain an independent publication.


Ads do not reflect our editorial stance or values, and we do not endorse
any organization unless stated otherwise.
I can’t believe it’s not better
BY ANDREA JOSIC

I’ve always been big on conspiracy theories. ality exist. It is equal parts interesting and depressing.
The alleged death of early 2000s punk queen Avril Lavigne It would mean that that no matter how shitty your life is,
was the first conspiracy theory that pulled me into the cobwebs there’s a universe out there where you’re better off. But it also
of deep Internet research. I came across a detailed Tumblr post means there’s a reality where things are much, much worse.
about Lavigne’s alleged death, for still undiscovered reasons, According to variations of the multiverse theory, some-
when I was an angsty 15-year-old in 2013. times there are glitches where universes interchange, and our
Apparently, Lavigne’s doppelganger named Melissa was universe becomes the worst for a brief period of time. This
hired so that the record company could continue capitalizing brings us to the The Darkest Timeline.
on the fame that came with Lavigne’s debut album “Let Go.” We don’t call it The Darkest Timeline because things are
Evidence to support the theory included picture comparisons fucked in a “this is it and we’re all going to die” kind of way,
of birthmarks and facial features, lyrics from later released but more so in a “this is a massive clusterfuck and it’s time to
songs that supposedly allude to her death and even a paparazzi do something about it” way. What I’m holding onto, and what
shot of Lavigne with the name “Melissa” written on her hand. you should be holding onto as well, is the fact that every clus-
Buying into the theory was a big decision for me. If I believed ter can be unclustered.
that Lavigne was Melissa, that would mean that I would never As the Fun & Satire editor, it’s basically in my job descrip-
see Lavigne sing “Sk8er Boi”­—it would be Melissa instead. Such tion to make fun of such clusters. That’s why I combined satire
is the price for truth. and reported stories in order to prove to you that we truly are
At 15, the stakes were high. But more recently, I focus on in The Darkest Timeline glitch.
and hold dear to my heart one particular high-stake conspir- After reading this issue, you’ll be able to laugh about the
acy: the multiverse theory. This theory says there are infinite scary things, then we’ll deal with them together.
PHOTO: ELANA EMER parallel universes, where different versions of our current re- I can’t believe it’s not better. But I believe we’ll get there.

Newspaper has
two editors
Dimension Travellers
SATIRE BY KOSALAN KATHIRAMALANATHAN

WRITERS
MANAGING Catherine Abes
EDITOR Emma Buchanan

Andrea Josic Neha Chollangi


Nathaniel Crouch
Akanksha Dhingra
EDITOR-IN-CHIEF PHOTO: FUNKÉ JOSEPH

Tyler Griffin After losing nearly all of its funding due to the Student Choice
Sarah Krichel Initiative, the critically-acclaimed student newspaper The
Sophia de Guzman Ryeopener has had a dramatic restructuring after firing all its
full-time staff, except for two editors.
Raizel Harjosubroto “Honestly I’m not surprised it’s come to this,” said current

VISUALS Alexandra Holyk


Editor-in-Chief, Arts and Culture, Sports, Community, Fea-
tures, Media and Photo Editor, Haras Lehcirk.
The decision to cut staff came after heavy deliberation on the
Khaled Badawi Abbey Kelly alternative solution suggested by former Editor Sokalan Catir
that instead of firing half of the masthead, that they just all work
Elana Emer Kosalan Kathiramalanathan half as hard. He was the first to go.
Despite the struggles, Whyler Stiffen, the current News
Pernia Jamshed Lyba Mansoor Editor, is optimistic that this is the chance to break the mold
other publications have been adopting and “grow into a tru-
Julia Mastroianni ly modern paper.”
Jimmy Kwan “We were at first considering only publishing three times a
Zachary Roman semester but said ‘fuck that.’” He went on to explain that they
Jaime Lynn Maria Strand needed to preserve the culture of the paper and decided to in-
Rhea Singh vest into their paper copies at the expense of losing their web-
site and social media platforms.
“We’re moving the way the industry is. Budget cuts to jour-
nalism is like skater boys to Lake Devo—they’re inseparable,”
said Lehcirk. “But we see this as the start of a new chapter in
the long history, and future of The Ryeopener print edition only.”
(UPDATE: The Ryeopener had to shut down after publishing one
issue and the Masthead blew the rest of their funding on Billys at the
Ram in the Rye. They will be missed.)

The Darkest Timeline


4
True confessions from
housing hell
GAME BY ABBEY KELLY

The previous tenants’ garbage greeted Jay were just filthy, completely illegal, massive ing higher rent for whatever accommodation for a year. He lived with two others on the
Dittburner from the lawn as they walked up fire hazards.” they can afford,” said Frank Clayton, senior main floor while the owners lived upstairs.
to their new place. Their bedroom is an ex- Toronto’s population is the second fastest researcher at the Centre for Urban Research The family had rules—they didn’t want any-
tended closet with a barred-window view to growing metropolitan area in Canada, ac- and Land Development, who studied the cen- one to come home after 10 p.m., no guests and
the outdoor laundry suite. The landlord left cording to a 2018 U.S. census. But due to the sus. “Something has to give. You only have so no candles. There were also ‘severe limits’ on
the washer and dryer sitting outside the apart- housing crisis, this presents major issues for much money to spend.” the type of food they would let their tenants
ment. The ceiling of their bedroom is slanted. finding affordable and good quality housing To alleviate some of these issues, some cook because they allegedly didn’t want any-
Dittburner, now a second-year masters in the city—particularly for students. Because individuals rent out rooms or areas of their thing to “smell up their house.”
of philosophy student, has a list of different of high demand, even the lowest quality of house to students so they can produce more Dittburner isn’t the only student with bad
nightmarish places they have lived in—and places are overvalued. of an income, Clayton said. living experiences. Check out the horror sto-
the list is long. “I’ve stayed in some places that “More and more people are going to be pay- This is similar to a place Dittburner stayed ries below for more housing hell.

Of the eight wild housing stories below, only four are real, but all of them are
fucking nightmares. Can you guess the truths from the lies?
Answer key below

1 Pull out couch with bookcase available as clothing storage. No door or divider to close off
the area. Four roommates. $800/month, Baldwin Village. 5 This open loft with exposed brick is every Instagram influencer’s dream. Industrial
accents with refurbished wood. There are no walls except for a single enclosed

2
bathroom with no door. Share this space with one roommate. Dividers are suf-
ficient, but the sound carries. $1,300/month, Church and Dundas streets.
Attic in townhouse. Probably haunted. Bathroom shared with five other people. Fresh

6
mouse droppings appear regularly. Use three different keys to enter the room.
$900/month, The Village. VERY low price. Ensuite bathroom. Two bunk beds in one
room, BUT you get top bunk! Three roommates. Roommate
on bunk below you kicks you out often to fuck every four

7
days. $450/month, Bay and College streets.
Literally, a tent in a living room.
Mattress capacity: one. Store other Make friends fast by living with 10 other people in one
belongings just outside the tent. townhouse! Two bathrooms, one kitchen, three fridges and
$800/month, Bay and Gerrard streets. no dishwasher. This place comes with the opportunity to
argue with your 10 other roommates on who’s going to clean
the bathrooms this week. $600-700/month, near University of

4
Toronto’s St. George campus.
On paper, this place seems like a dream. Spacious, furnished rooms. Bed-

8
room cleaned three times a week. Laundry and all meals included. Here’s
the catch: no food available outside meal hours, no lock on the door to Living room in a two-bedroom den.
the rooms and tenants must work three hours at the front desk per week. The house comes with friends: mice.
The building is locked from 11 p.m. to 6:45 a.m. on weekdays and 1 a.m. They rattle in the oven when you try to
to 7 a.m. on weekends. $1,650-1,750/month, near University of Toronto’s St. cook and sometimes say hi by poking
George campus. their heads out of the burners. Free rat
poison sprinkled throughout the house.
$950-1,050/month, Cabbagetown.

Creative freelancer runs out of personal narratives to profit off of


SATIRE BY CATHERINE ABES

Alice Moon says she hasn’t been able to write Since then, Moon has banked on her trau- ment with eight other retired creatives. off their work.”
any poetry since releasing her zine back in July, matic experiences to pay her bills. But she’s While the situation isn’t ideal, he’s grateful Nee said the suffering will do creatives
“Read 3:26 a.m.” The collection of poems un- run into a new problem: she has no more that he won’t have to relive any more signifi- well—the money they make now can help
packs a string of Bumble dates gone wrong due emotional trauma to exploit in her work. cantly damaging experiences. them afford actual therapy later.
to “incapacitating, maternal-induced trust is- Often, creative industries ask people to “dig “Now I can work towards healing—includ- Moon picked up a second job at the Metro
sues” and a “deflated sense of self-worth.” deep” and rehash their own stories of suffer- ing the trauma of being retraumatized.” on Gould Street to help support herself and her
The third-year creative industries student ing, such as family turmoil, identity and being Cashma Nee, Edwards’ former agent, says it’s succulents named after poets. She witnesses
first started writing about her past trauma on ugly until the age of 17. worth it for creatives to go through emotion- pain every day—from students living off of po-
the recommendation of her therapist, who River Edwards, a former Ryerson dance ally damaging experiences if it means they can tato wedges to the look of defeat when custom-
suggested it could help her heal. major, knew he was out of experiences to in- produce authentic, touching, totally unique, ers learn they can’t use their 10 per cent student
In first year, she accidentally sent a pub- corporate for his work when his last solo, completely never done before, work. discount on a six-pack of PBR.
lisher an excerpt from her diary instead of “Getting Ignored by Yorkdale Customers at “I suppose it could be distressing for cre- Moon says that if something fucked up
the first draft of her poem. Before she even My Minimum Wage Retail Job” was met with atives to gut their previous traumas and lay doesn’t happen to her soon, she’ll go into debt.
caught the mistake, the piece had been posted boos. Critics said his movement, while techni- it all out,” she says. “But art is about suffer- “This stress of waiting to be traumatized is
online, he’d sent her a contract for a full book cally clean, had “no feeling.” Unable to produce ing. All of the great artists had to suffer. I’m almost traumatic enough to write about,” she
based on her life and Disney had bought the heartwrenching choreography, he dropped out even suffering here—I have to give all my says. “My agent said it’s too niche for the in-
movie rights. of school and now lives in a bachelor apart- clients a 30 per cent cut of everything I make dustry to profit of off, though.”
ANSWER KEY: 1. LIE 2. LIE 3. TRUTH 4. TRUTH 5. LIE 6. LIE 7. TRUTH 8. TRUTH

illustrations by: elana emer

The Darkest Timeline


5
You’re not alone in your eco-anxiety

FEATURE BY JULIA MASTROIANNI

G eorgia Koumantaros was at a party playing a twisted ver-


sion of “Truth or Dare.” Amongst the participants were
friends, acquaintances and none other than Conservative Par-
als are suffering from psychological effects never linked to the
environment before. Panic attacks, daily episodes of despair or
grief and increased levels of mental illness have been reported.
be rising to the level of a threat to mental health, and that
it’s interfering with their ability to function, to be happy
[and] to be stable,” she says.
ty Leader Andrew Scheer. If it wasn’t enough that humanity is teetering on the edge of Clayton believes the uncertainty around what is going to
“Okay guys,” said the second-year University of Toronto irreversible levels of warming, the knowledge of that warm- happen to the earth and to humans could be a major source
environmental studies student to the crowd. “Do you actually ing and its impending effects like food and water shortages, of this stress. “There’s a sense that something big is happen-
care, in your embodied being, about climate change, about the dangerous amounts of air pollution, coastal flooding and other ing. It has the potential to fundamentally change something
environment, about what’s happening?” extreme weather conditions is also taking a psychological toll. that I take for granted, which is the stability of the global
Sitting in a haphazard circle in the living room, Koumanta- Eco-anxiety is particularly hard to cope with since there isn’t a ecosystem. But I don’t know exactly what’s going to happen.
ros challenged Scheer, wanting him to admit how he really feels lot of evidence to prove to someone experiencing it that things I don’t know exactly when it’s going to happen. And I don’t
about the environment. That was when she came to a realiza- are getting better. know exactly who is going to be affected or where we’re go-
tion: as some weird defence mechanism, Koumantaros herself ing to see the changes.”
stopped caring about the urgent climate crisis a long time ago.
“I was trying to relate to everyone else, I was trying to say,
‘Listen, I don’t care either, I checked out for a long time,’” Kou-
mantaros says. “But in retrospect, looking back on it, it was me
confessing this shame to Andrew Scheer that I had checked
M aya Shlayen has tried to be aware of what’s going on
with the environment since she was a teenager. But the
recent Ryerson journalism graduate says that a couple of years F or Stephanie McNeil, a third-year environment and sus-
tainability student at Ryerson, the looming threat of what
out, even though I shouldn’t have, for so long.” ago during the summer, she started to become severely emo- those changes might be is something that follows her everyday
Or at least, that’s the way Koumantaros interpreted it af- tional about what she was learning about the climate crisis— at school. “Just hearing it every single day, every time I go to
ter waking up from her dream­—shaken and frustrated by animals going extinct in particular. “This is going to sound class, that our planet is headed for mass destruction for the
this latest addition to a recent slew of climate crisis-related melodramatic, but it felt like death. It felt like a loss, like a environment, is such a burden on me mentally.”
nightmares. She says in her conscious life, she’s been able to visceral loss that you could feel.” McNeil says that she’s always thinking about the environ-
keep from panicking about the crisis. “But in my dreams, it all A 2018 study in the Global Environmental Change journal mental effects of everything she does. “Like when I order cof-
comes apart,” she says. found that there are three types of environmental concerns. Ego- fee, it’s just there reminding me of the implications of how this
Koumantaros’ dreams are an example of so-called “eco- istic concern is worry about how environmental change impacts coffee was made and shipped. And I can use a reusable cup, but
anxiety.” The condition is affecting youth in particular as the the individual, altruistic concern is about humanity in general and even then I’m thinking about it, like, how was that reusable
reality of the environmental crisis starts to set in. Described the future and biospheric concern is about plants, animals and na- cup made?” she says. But she knows, while it’s great for her
as a chronic concern or even psychological disorder plaguing ture. Researchers found that people with high levels of biospheric to make all these individual changes, there needs to be action
individuals who worry about climate change, eco-anxiety re- concern also had the highest levels of stress related to global cli- from those with more power to make a difference.
flects just how complex the effects of the crisis are. According mate change, as well as the highest reported signs of depression. “It gets to a point where you feel like you can’t do anything
to a 2019 research paper for the Climate Institute, individu- One of the researchers on the study, University of Arizona because there’s too much to do.”
science professor Sabrina Helm, suspects this has to do with Janet Swim, a psychology professor at Penn State Universi-
how much the climate crisis has already affected nature and ty, co-authored a 2011 American Psychologist study on coping
wildlife on a bigger picture scale. This ultimately means the with eco-anxiety. In a 2019 interview with CNN, Swim said
danger of the crisis appears more pressing to those with bio- this response of anxiety is normal when people are dealing
spheric concern. “So they have the most pronounced worry, with an “anti-goal,” or a negative result, like the destruction of
because they already see it everywhere. We already talk about the planet. She said avoiding or disengaging from the problem
the extinction of species and know it’s happening,” Helm told is a common reaction for those with anxiety.
UANews, news outlet for University of Arizona. Koumantaros knows how overwhelming it can be if she
At the time of Shlayen’s extreme distress over the environ- thinks too much about what could happen in the future, and
he d
ams ment, she says she was also dealing with some personal issues. understands the impulse to freeze up or give up on doing
n ia J anything. Koumantaros has combatted this feeling of futil-
er
by
P
“Our planet is headed for ity by getting as involved as she can in groups petitioning for
ns
ratio a mass destruction of the change and staging protests to get the attention of govern-
Illust ments. “There’s not really a case for not doing anything, right?
environment” There’s a reason why you have this sense of shame or anxiety,
and the facts are the facts and they’re only going to get scarier,”
With the two occuring at the same time, she says her mental she says. “So you kind of just have to do something.”
health suffered. “It affected my academic performance, and Koumantaros has been sending petitions and emails to
while I can’t say it was the environmental thing alone that did the politicians in her riding and has also become involved in
that, it was kind of a snowball effect.” Extinction Rebellion, an international organization with the
Susan Clayton is a psychology professor at Wooster goal of encouraging governments to put forward environ-
University in Ohio who has been reviewing literature re- ment-centred policies.
lated to the mental health impacts of the climate crisis and So far, Koumantaros says active involvement in the move-
natural disasters on individuals. She says that while the re- ment has worked to keep her from panicking too much about
search out there currently focuses on the mental health of the crisis. “I’m also not trying to think too far ahead, because
survivors of natural disasters, she’s starting to see a pattern why go there if I don’t need to? I can try to just focus on the
among others. “For some people, this level of worry might now, and what I can do now.”

The Darkest Timeline


6
Alternate universe without climate crisis
discovered
SATIRE BY NEHA CHOLLANGI

A team of researchers at Ryerson have recently found an alternate reality in


which the Earth is not burning and the climate crisis simply does not
exist in their vocabulary.
O n their brief helicopter ride over the Arctic, team member Linus Vasel said he passed
out when he actually saw glaciers for the first time in his life, as well as arctic animals
like polar bears and seals. “They were living their best lives,” said Vasel, which is unlike
The search for a new home has been ongoing but accelerated how he last saw them sitting on an iceberg the size of a donut on his cruise to Alaska.
ever since climate scientists started screaming about rising In fact, many ecosystems were actually completely undamaged and thriving to
sea levels and the rapid demise of our planet. the point where the planet was slowly expanding with an abundance of land and
A few of the researchers travelled through a por- natural resources. The team reported an overwhelming prosperity of species in
tal created inside the men’s washroom in their lab both the Amazon rainforest and the Great Barrier Reef.
building to observe the alternate reality. After nine But, while Universe 95 has a handful of positives, the team felt homesick for
full days of chanting spells, the portal blossomed Earth’s grimey and edgy vibes.
open and immediately sucked in the group of “It obviously doesn’t have the same charm without sparkling plastic deco-
five researchers. rating the oceans, mountains of food waste and the beaming light of forest
“We didn’t expect the portal to open so fires,” said Vasel, who was nostalgic for Earth’s homely landscapes during
quickly at all,” said Julio Henderson, captain his expedition. “I have to admit that there is a kind of exciting thrill to
of the research expedition team. “In fact, we being on the brink of a mass extinction.”
were actually prepared to keep chanting for Nevertheless, the inevitable question has been raised on whether
another three weeks until we even got the it’s possible to relocate our people to Universe 95. However, it
smallest results but I reckon there is a power- seems to be very unlikely. Alternate reality experts say it is
ful source on the other side that really wanted practically impossible to even attempt to transfer over
us to see this alternate reality.” our population. “We would probably burn that world
The team has dedicated their lives to running too,” said Denny Turner, a random student who
away from their real life problems. They found their tagged along on the expedition.
calling in exploring the magical worlds hidden from “The most we can do for now is to live vicari-
our sight. Their past discoveries include Universe ously through the alternate world and admire their
27 where dinosaurs are alive and thriving, and sustainable lifestyles. But, we truly hope that, perhaps
Universe 56 where plants can talk. As for their lat- through prolonged exposure, our population can adapt
est exploration, Universe 95 gives us a peek into a the same habits and see this reality as something Earth
world where the climate crisis isn’t threatening the can become, ” said Turner.
Earth’s very existence. The team also had a short meeting with the monar-
“We wanted to see what our world would look like if we didn’t chy of Universe 95 and met the Queen to question her
screw up everything so badly,” said Henderson. about how they achieved the impossible task of keep-
One of the first things the team noticed was that the people of this world ing their world in a livable condition. However, the
were significantly happier and didn’t have the deep look of despair lingering Queen being quite cryptic in nature, told them that
in their eyes. Instead, they were skipping around the streets, holding hands and we are “absolute morons” who need to do more than
whistling songs. avoid plastic straws and turn off lights for an hour
“I do admit that it is a privilege to have luxuries like clean water, fresh air and robust once a year. She also firmly said “There is no way in
landscapes for all of our people to enjoy,” said local resident Gladys Fin, before she rode goddamn hell that you lot are bringing your destruc-
her bike into the sunset. tive people onto my land.”
“It was really alarming at first,” said Henderson, who experienced serious culture shock. “I’m The team installed close to 30,000 cameras in Uni-
so used to seeing everyone looking drained of all hope. I honestly couldn’t believe they weren’t all verse 95. They plan to use the footage to document the
on ecstasy. It was just a sober joy for life.” eco-conscious world and make a movie once we save Earth,
Despite the initial confusion from the unfamiliar culture, the team spent a total of five days in Uni- entitled: “We’re Going To Reverse The Crisis If It’s The Last Thing
verse 95 to make crucial observations on what our world has yet to achieve. We Fucking Do.”

Good vibes despite planetary existential crisis


SATIRE BY ALEXANDRA HOLYK

With the negative effects of the climate crisis finally being loured gel pens made from leftover vegetable oil from Salad 5. Get yourself a nice plant friend, or two—or seven
talked about now more than ever, it’s important that Ryerson King to organize your 30-minute study breaks for every Plants are not only good for the environment and provide
students stay optimistic before the end of the Earth. 15 minutes of studying you do. Don’t forget to include the oxygen—they are also super aesthetic in any dorm room, espe-
We’ve comprised a list of totally valid and 100 per cent ef- plans with friends that you’ll just end up cancelling anyway. cially in Pitman Hall. It’s recommended by experts that stu-
fective ways to turn that anxiety-induced resting bitch-frown 3. Take a nap to avoid all responsibilities dents invest in some greenery in their rooms because partying
upside down. Catch some zzz’s before, after, in between or even in your won’t save their livers, but plants will save their lungs.
1. Walk or bike to school, regardless of where you live classes. Napping costs the planet zero energy and just so hap- 6. Pet local dogs
Last year, Mariah Skinney, a second-year environmental pens to be the easiest way to save our planet (while sleeping, Wherever you are on campus, it’s guaranteed that you will
and urban sustainability student, took the GO Train from you’re not polluting!). Those 8 a.m. movie theatre lectures see one RyEng sticker, one Juul-er and one dog. The latter
Oakville to get to Ryerson everyday. This year, she stopped are meant to be slept through, so feel inclined to recline in is the highlight of student life at Ryerson and should not be
using public transit altogether and walks to school. those chairs-turned-beds while your algebra professor goes taken for granted. Your local floofy monster or chonky boy
Skinney said she feels “#blessed” waking up at 12 a.m. to get on a literal tangent. is eagerly taking their walk as you’re reading this and they’re
to her 8 a.m. lecture on time. Everyday can be leg day for Ry- 4. Go vegan almost always up for cuddles, pets and kisses.
erson commuters, and students will have super jacked calves Practically every restaurant has plant-based options, and 7. “You should smile more!’’
to show off. they aren’t as bad as you think. Being vegan will also give you The easiest way to become a little more positive is by crack-
2. Go buy a fancy and expensive planner made from re- the chance to brag about your amazing life choices to your ing a smile and exercising the muscles that make up the resting
cycled paper to organize your day friends about the positive impact you have on the environ- bitch face expression you have when trying to avoid people
Even if you don’t have any upcoming plans, buy a planner. ment while making them feel bad for still eating meat. Don’t talking to you on your way to class. And don’t smile because
It’ll make you feel like you have your shit together when think of veganism as giving up the things you love, though. the catcallers ask you to—smile because the end of the world
really, you’re just faking it till you make it. Use different co- Vodka and tequila are vegan-friendly! means the end of the catcallers, and the end of class.

The Darkest Timeline


7
Child care in Ontario worse than ever
REPORTING BY RAIZEL HARJOSUBROTO

T he class lecture had just started when Jael Joseph got a call or you’re trying to
from the daycare. “Your son has a fever. You have to come fit courses into what
pick him up,” the daycare worker said. As a second-year jour- works for your family.”
A survey done by Statistics Canada in April 2019 shows that
60 per cent of Canadian children—nearly 1.4 million—re-
ceive some form of child care, whether that be through day-
nalism student at Ryerson completing a regular commute from Ryerson has an early cares or from family members. But while most political
downtown Toronto to Scarborough, her trip was now aggra- learning and child care cen- parties have made promises regarding child care, it isn’t

Ill
vated by a snowstorm and heavy traffic. tre known as the Early Learning typically a top priority.

us
tra
The daycare has a rule that a child needs to be picked up Centre (ELC) that provides full-day In 2015, the Liberal government promised to pro-

io t
n
within two hours after notice. Joseph took nearly three hours child care, but the wait list for appli- vide affordable and high-quality child care to folks

by
to get there. Had this been any other daycare, who knows how cants is long. According to their website, who need it. They committed to $7.5 billion over

Kh
ale
understanding they could have been? families may wait for more than one year to 11 years to child care in the 2017 federal bud-

d
In addition to raising two children and studying for an un- enter the program after they fill out a “Waiting get but since the framework was broad,

Ba
da
dergraduate degree, Joseph and other parents across the prov- List Application” form. They then encourage par- there were no parameters on how

wi
ince are now faced with the government’s recent cancellation ents to check the status of their application every the money could be used. Prime
of a $50 million fund to help child care centres in Ontario. six months. Minister Justin Trudeau said
Funding has to come from somewhere in order for these cen- At Ryerson, groups and resources for mature stu- earlier this month
tres to run, so child care fees must increase, directly impacting dents are available, including post-secondary tran- that
the parents who have to pay for those services. sitional programs like Spanning the Gaps, but the
The child care system was already faulty before the gov- programs are not tailored for students who are also
ernment’s cuts. Ryerson early childhood studies professor parents. Joseph believes it’s unfair for students to be
Rachel Langford says that child care works within a “mar- under the same waitlist bracket as everyone else. “Why
ket system.” In the same way a parent would purchase baby wouldn’t you consider a person going back to school ur-
formula or diapers, “they purchase a spot in a child care set- gent?” she says.
ting.” The parent fees are already high, and according to the On top of the waiting game and unaffordable resourc-
long-time early child educator, parents can pay up to $2,000 es off campus, parents like Zala and Joseph must also deal
a month for childcare. with geographical barriers to getting the resources they
The funding is also meant to pay the wages of daycare staff— need, since parents can only apply to daycares and subsidy provin-
already working for a low wage—and programs that fall in their neighbour- cial governments
support parents who cannot fully afford “You’re choosing hoods or zones. are able to make
daycare. Langford, who advocates for between going to It’s clear that the demand for child their own decisions, even

class or...what works munity House recently opened their


a publicly-funded system, says that the care is high. When St. Stephen’s Com- if they decide to “not invest in vulnerable people.”
Conservatives are against “government Monaco says it’s partially a women’s issue, too. “It’s really im-
interference” and is instead “motivated for your family” new childcare site in one of Toron- portant for women to be able to have that choice, whether I
by the belief that young children should to’s neighbourhoods, Canoe Landing, want to stay at home with my child, or I want to go to school,
be at home with their mothers.” registration launched online at 6 a.m. By 6:03 a.m., or I want to have a career…for some people, there is no choice.”

A nnalise Zala, a second-year psychology student at Ryer- over 200 spots were already taken. Associate executive di-
son, has been looking for a daycare to take care of her rector Lidia Monaco says that investment from the govern-
one-year-old ever since he was born. Because of this, Zala ment is needed if there is such a high demand for more
If it were men that had to stay home or be the ones to
have kids, we would be having a different conversation,
Monaco says. Because it’s turned into a women’s issue, it’s
misses out on many opportunities, such as daytime courses, spaces and subsidies. “[Childcare and public education] are not a priority.
volunteer research positions she’s interested in and extra- all very important things in order to get young, little people “We have the power. The power’s in the vote,” Monaco
curricular activities. “If you don’t have someone to take care off on the right road. If we want to invest in the future, says. “If we want them to take this issue seriously, we have
of your kids, it’s like you’re choosing between going to class that’s what we’ve got to do to help people.” to vote [this federal election].”

Need counselling? You’ll have to get in line


REPORTING BY RHEA SINGH

T hings looked promising when fourth-year social work stu- clinical coordinator at the CSDC.
dent Chris Merhar first tried accessing Ryerson’s counsel-
ling service. He had four sessions in the span of three months.
Merhar called the CSDC four to five months after he had last
visited the centre, but was told he was removed from the waitlist
Wellness Centre as well.
When third-year Ryerson new media student Natalie Korac
finally got the courage to reach out for mental health support,
Until, that is, a waitlist put him on a three-month for reasons not clarified. she felt discouraged by the support she received from the school.
wait period. Merhar was then told he’d benefit “They didn’t communicate this with me at all, Korac was told she’d have to wait three months to access long-
from more sessions, but wound up waiting another so I couldn’t even go seek a counsellor outside term counselling, which would bleed into the summer.
seven months to get regular sessions going. of Ryerson.” After the mixup, Merhar had to But Korac wouldn’t be in the city for that long. A major part
Whether it’s admission to a school or getting into wait twice as long to access counselling services. in what students need counselling for, she says, is school-related
a class, being waitlisted is known for being a stressful While Merhar had a good support system, issues—rendering summer counselling useless.
waiting game. When it comes to mental health services, other students who don’t could struggle more with Both Korac and Merhar believe hiring more counsellors, ex-
however, the consequences of the waiting game can be Ryerson’s extensive wait times. panding the service with community organizations and student
even more severe. O’Keefe said Ryerson’s system for first-time ap- advocacy are effective ways of improving Ryerson’s system.
Ryerson’s Centre for Student Development and pointments has improved over the last two years, “Ryerson positions themselves as this progressive school that
Counselling (CSDC) offers services to both full- with a 63 per cent reduction in wait times. The welcomes you and wants you to succeed, then you get waitlisted
time and part-time undergraduate and graduate waitlist, according to O’Keefe, is managed in for six months,” Merhar said. “There is no other option if you
students. These include one-on-one counselling, many ways, depending on factors such as time can’t afford therapy outside [of school].” On top of that, counsel-
group counselling, same-day crisis appointments, of year and a student’s individual needs. Stress- ling isn’t something people prioritize when they have to afford
online modules for preemptive and post-counsel- Illustration: Elana Emer ors such as financial pressure, living situation rent, tuition fees, among other bills, said Korac.
ling care as well as referral services. There are also extensions changes and career anxieties make up some of the factors. Merhar says the worst part about these situations is that there
such as ThriveRU, therapy dogs and the Office of Sexual Vio- The need for awareness of mental health has been empha- has to be some sort of wake-up call; nobody reacts until some-
lence Support and Education. sized in the wake of multiple recent suicides at the University thing terrible happens. “I feel the main thing current students
According to the CSDC, in the 2018-19 academic year, the of Toronto (UofT) at the St. George campus. In response to the can do if we want to ensure that the future generation of Ryer-
centre supported 2,253 students with on-site mental health lack of mental health services on campus, 24 students formed son students have better access to these services [is] advocate for
counselling services. Students typically encounter wait times af- UofThrive. Second-year student Ashwini Selvakumaran spoke them,” he said.
ter their initial counselling session, according to Maura O’Keefe, to the CBC about wait times being an issue at UofT Health and “They’re not going to do anything if we aren’t talking about it.”

The Darkest Timeline


8
Doug Ford used Student Choice Initiative to
‘cancel culture’ the RSU, sources say
SATIRE BY NATHANIEL CROUCH

T he Ryerson Students’ Union (RSU) is


a collective that represents the best in-
terests of the larger student body at Ryer-
ing student lives all around worse.
Ford found the perfect marketing scheme for
his Student Choice Initiative (SCI): a policy he
members of the RSU began looking more like
Iron Man at the end of Avengers: Endgame,
punishment was rolled out.
When RAMSS gave students the option
as of early August to opt out, the cancelling
commenced. In September, student groups
son. They hold events free of charge, have announced prior to the scandal which would For a few executives, they received an ran to secure funds in the few weeks they had
a thorough understanding of how a union allow students to opt out of certain ancillary embarrassing amount of memes and a lifetime before students could no longer opt in.
should operate and always acts with digni- fees. Those crucial fees would threaten student of fear that someone would recognize them on The SCI had pissed off a bunch of groups.
ty when aiding student-run groups whose groups like campus media, arts and culture Yonge Street and yell “Get ‘em!” One just fell While the RSU has a love/spend relation-
work directly benefits the mental and phys- groups and, of course, the student union. off the face of the planet and hasn’t been heard ship with money, the unions savings ensured
ical health of students. Anonymous sources also tell us that the from in a while (Mr. Ganesh, if you are reading they’ll at least hang on for a few years. Ford
Premier originally wanted to call the SCI this, give us a call—we miss you, boo.) failed as our champion, and went back to his
The Premier “Fuck Them Kids,” but realized he had to be The new executives in charge of the RSU usual position; looking like someone aged that
originally wanted to more deceptive and give the choice to the stu-
dents to take initiative on what they would
had to start brainstorming ideas to face the
coming changes. Those who followed student
kid from Home Alone 30 years and left
him in the sun for too long.
call the SCI support or cancel. politics were hit with extreme déjà vu, as the
“Fuck Them Kids” He came up with a social media plan of one new execs fired the person in charge of man-
single tweet: linking an Eyeopener story about aging their finances which is exactly what
the credit card scandal, using it as evidence in the team that got impeached did
Kidding! Maybe on Earth-616, where Alan favour of the policy. Ford’s adversaries, how- last year.
Rickman is collecting his sixth Oscar and hu- ever, were quick to remind him Edmund Sofo,
manity as a whole figured out racism is bad, vice-president of student life and events, was
we get a student union that works to benefit at his iconic, yearly, annual Etobicoke barbecue
students. Here in The Darkest Timeline, we of that summer. They took a photo together
have a bunch of slap sticks with a weird at- which was widespread on social media
tachment to Scaddabush and the LCBO. in response to its irony.
When the scandal broke that a quarter of Ford’s plan was perfect;
a million dollars in student funds were alleg- or so he thought. As
dly used by the RSU’s 2018-19 executive team the year came to a
for personal effects, such as Uber and the Rec close and the
Room in Cineplex, student outrage was quick executive
and loud. From the memes to hearings to stu-
dents demanding impeachment, the scandal
had lit a fire under students’ asses and forced
them to reevaluate how much of student
politics they took for granted.
Down in the bellows of Conser- Doug
Ford worried
vative hell awakened by student
cries, sources say a sentient
cheap blue suit named
Doug Ford crawled out
to the surface and to-
journalists will
wards the warm
glow of mak- find his tax refund,
cancels journalism entirely
az
iz
naR

SATIRE BY ZACHARY ROMAN


an
Al
n:
io
at
tr

along with journalists one-on-one, I really family friend of the Ford’s. He is now the head
us
Ill

do,” Ford said. “I like them, but it’s like the of Ford’s anti-journalism task force (AJTF).
unions of being ‘up to Marxist nonsense’ cheese slipped off the cracker with these guys “I’m here to make sure the cheese stays
in a fundraising email last February. The and they went far-left. My friends would nev- firmly on these journalist’s crackers,” he said.
man who ditched the traditional media bus er ask me about my taxes.” Former Toronto Sun editorial director Jamie
on his campaign only to release interviews on As Ford walked back to his office after a Wallace is also involved with the AJTF. As
his party-owned Ontario News Now network media scrum this past Friday, he heard a jour- Ford’s chief of staff, he is in charge of recruit-
(which totally isn’t unethical). The man who nalist shout at him, asking about line 185 of ing like-minded immoral individuals to join
ended a press conference by declaring the me- his income tax slip. the secret group.
dia “the official opposition.” “Screw it, I’m cancelling journalism,” said Toronto Police have been raiding every

A whistleblower,
who has remained
anonymous for fear of
According to our source, Ford and other
wannabe global elites are stashing money
offshore on a solar powered yacht that never
Ford, storming back into the scrum. “As of right
now, all journalism is illegal and punishable by
imprisonment.” Toronto Star courts reporter
competent news outlet in the city and arrest-
ing everyone inside. The Toronto Star, Globe
and Mail, CP24 and City News have all been
assassination, told The Eyeopener docks. “They have been dodging taxes since Wendy Gillis asked Ford how this would fly in hit, with the Toronto Sun and Rebel Media
that Doug Ford is implicated in before taxes were even a thing,” said the whis- a court of law, to which Ford replied: “Where left untouched. Raids are spreading across the
a Fyre Festival-esque tax evasion tleblower, with a wild look in their eyes. “A we’re going, we don’t need laws.” province under the direction of Taverner.
scheme. spray-tanned goblin like Ford is the perfect While everyone was distracted, Ford’s close As the era of news in Ontario comes to an
According to the Sunshine List, a candidate to join a secret tax evasion society.” personal friend Ron Taverner appeared and end, I urge you readers to rise up against this
database that includes Ontarians who make The next day, Ford took to Twitter to deny body slammed Gillis out of Queen’s Park, send- injustice. Spread the word on social media and
over $100,000 per year, Doug Ford’s 2019 the accusations of tax fraud. “I would never ing her plummeting 16 feet through a media- make this a national emergency!
salary is currently at $112,958.06. This places cheat on my taxes. If we don’t all pay our fair tor’s table. The incident bore a resemblance to I’m not sure how much time I have left here
him into a personal income tax bracket of share, the corporations I’m in bed with won’t the WWE’s 1998 ‘Hell in a Cell’ event. at The Eye before I’m found out and locked
11.16 per cent, according to the government get enough of citizens’ money,” said Ford. Last year, Taverner was set to become the away forever. I’m sending to this article to
of Ontario’s website. This issue has become a common topic next commissioner of the Toronto Police Ser- my editor before it’s too late. Oh fuck, is that
Doug Ford. The man who accused student at press conferences to Ford’s dismay. “I get vice until the news broke that he was a close Doug Ford in the reflection of my comput­—

The Darkest Timeline


9
Students just fucking hope we’re in a simulation
SATIRE BY LYBA MANSOOR

The climate crisis, the discovery of incels system—a really bad, racist, misogynistic glitch.” Zion. He wanted to find other like-minded stu- “The notion that this is all a simulated
and the nazis are in. Our world is pretty fucked Pheus claims the simulation has been glitch- dents and save them from the simulation. reality is kind of comforting. I mean, I’d rather
up right now. But what if this isn’t actually ing ever since. He was sure having a larger group would also believe our real bodies are Tethers currently
our world? “The Notre Dame Cathedral caught on fire increase their chances of finding The One. floating in sleep pods, being harvested for bio-
A handful of Ryerson students, under the club and Grumpy Cat DIED this year. What more “I knew I needed help, and I knew I couldn’t electrical power by some evil forces, than to
Zion, a safe haven for those who are #woke, are proof do we need?” Pheus cried. have been the only one noticing the glitches,” he think that this is the world we’re living in,” she
convinced that what we call reality is nothing Amongst all this craziness, Pheus said that he said. Pheus began putting up posters around Ry- said.
more than a very complex lie. found inspiration in a fortune cookie. erson, advertising both club Zion, and his tire- Itty explained that it was slightly odd inter-
They believe we’re trapped in a sophisticated “I went to a Chinese restaurant called The less search for The One. viewing for membership.
simulated reality, and they’re on the lookout for Oracle, and when I was done eating dinner I The posters attracted a handful of stu- “It wasn’t a traditional interview, but
The One. opened my fortune cookie it said, ‘We’re dents who have since joined his cause. I guess this isn’t a traditional group. He made
The group is led by third-year student More living in a simulation and The One One Ryerson student, Trint me, and the others, choose between a red
Pheus, constantly enveloped in his signature can save us all from this toxic Itty, describes her inter- Jolly Rancher or a blue Jolly Rancher. Those of
leather trench coat and comically small sunglass- hell.’” After this, Pheus est in the club and us who chose red got to join. I don’t really know
es (which also come as an accessory in a Bar- petitioned for her experience what happened to the others…”
bie playset). Ryerson students believe finding the club with it. With several students aiding his cause
The One will set humans free from this simula- now, Pheus is steadfast on finding The One
tion. and “freeing humanity from the shackles of the
“I realized we were stuck in a simulation.”
simulation in 2016 during the U.S. “Some may call us and
elections,” he said. “The way our cause crazy, but I’d say
that unfolded, it had accepting this as real
to have been a life is crazier,”
glitch in he said.
the
ILLUSTRATION: PERNIA JAMSHED

The Darkest Timeline survey results


The Eyeopener released a survey last week about all things dark, weird and existential. Here are our favourite results:

On the future:
On the celeb you want at your side On your biggest
during the apocalypse: regret: We’re going to save this
• “Betty White. I’m confident she can’t die” Error 404 39.4% 39.4% planet if it’s the last
• “Coming to Ryerson”
• “Michael Cera. I’m not sure if he has any useful skills. I just
fucking thing we do
• “No Ragrets” 21.2%
feel like he’s the only person in the world I can trust”
• “Joe”
• Three of you chose Danny DeVito with zero context We’ll be...okay...?

On what to do on your last day on Earth: On your death in the apocalypse:


• “Wear a ridiculous outfit, paint myself in glitter, talk to strangers and
24.2% 36.4% 39.4%
comfort them as we all rage until our inevitable death”
You were last You hurt You keep
• “Your mom” yourself with ignoring that
seen raiding a
• “Invest in the coffin industry” grocery store your own cut on your
weapon leg

God abandons humanity to loiter on campus


SATIRE BY TYLER GRIFFIN

Multiple students have reported finding God said she woke up slightly less dead inside than was life-changing. I did a lot of soul-searching.” The student asked The Almighty Being to
on Ryerson campus this week, only to come usual in her flesh prison. “I’m thinking of teaching kids English in Bali prove His omnipotent powers by answering
to the somber realization that He sucks just as When Byss entered Tim Hortons she ran next year,” our Lord and Heavenly Father said. the question on every student’s mind: when the
much as we do. into God, the original Creator and Supreme Byss said that listening to God’s white saviour godforsaken Gould Street construction will end?
Students said they felt overjoyed to find His Ruler of the Universe. Byss said He had a complex was the second most unbearable thing “The Kingdom of Heaven is like a mustard
blinding light and promise of eternal life, but shaved head, finger tattoos and one dangly in her day, after listening to a white guy in her seed, which a man took and sowed in his
were shocked to discover He had taken on the earring. “Dude, where philosophy class play field; and this is smaller than all other seeds,
form of a Gould Street skater boy. the fuck have you He wouldn’t shut up “devil’s advocate.” but when it is full grown, it is larger than the
God alleged that he took a mortal form been?” Byss asked Him.
about the time He tried English student Proust garden plants and becomes a tree,” God replied.
because it was the “perfect vessel” to understand The Supreme Being Malone found God loi- “I have no fucking idea what that is supposed
the complexity of the human condition. explained He abandoned Ayahuasca tering in a cloud of cu- to mean,” Malone told The Eye.
Fourth-year film student and former God- humanity after millen- cumber Juul smoke in Malone left the interaction with a strange
fearing mortal Thea Byss texted God one nia of sin and human rights violations, but was front of the IMA building. Malone asked God sense of hopefulness. “Maybe God really is
night when she found out He was on Earth. trying to reconnect with His children after a re- how he could get closer to Him in the godless dead, like, metaphorically—and good fucking
“U up?” she texted Him, in search of answers cent backpacking trip through Thailand. life he leads, to which God replied, “Try acid.” riddance,” Malone said before running into
to her despair. After proposing a meetup, God God admitted He ran away from the “I was trying to understand the secret to the middle of the street and screaming at the
wrote via iMessage: “Yes my son.” Kingdom of Heaven to try and understand the living a holy life free from sin, but he wouldn’t sun. “HE IS DEAD! WE ARE FREE! GO ON,
The day of their meetup on Tuesday, Byss hardships of the working class. “Southeast Asia shut up about the time he tried Ayahuasca.” LIVE, NOW AND FOREVER!”

The Darkest Timeline


10
11

Your Space, Your Place

SCC OPEN HOUSE


Thursday, Oct. 24, 2019

WhosE space? EVERYTHING FREE 11am-3pm:


• Tons of activities, events, free food!
Students' space! • Scavenger Hunt, Ping Pong
& Gaming Tournaments
Student Campus Centre • Live music
• After Party & Craft Beer Tasting
55 Gould ST. (CORNER OF CHURCH & GOULD)
at The Ram 5-7 p.m.

@RSCOnline
ryersonstudentcentre.ca /RyersonStudentCentre
12

ENJOY FRIENDLY
CONVERSAT1ONS.

DINING SHOPPING SPECIALTY MOVIES


Nor th-East Corner of Yonge and Dundas

10dundaseast.com