WRITING ESSAYS: •

•
Cohesion
Coherence
WORKSHOP #2 • Grammar
 WHAT IS WRONG WITH THESE?

 Ad: “Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it!”

 Ad: “FOR SALE: several old dresses from grandmother in
beautiful condition”
 Ad: “We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do
it carefully by hand”
 Ad: “Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children”
 Notice: “The eighth-graders will be performing Hamlet in
the school hall at 7pm. All parents are encouraged to
attend this tragedy.”
 Headline: “JUSTIN BEIBER APPEALS TO POPE FRANCIS ”
 Headline: “MINERS REFUSE TO WORK AFTER DEATH”

 Failure of coherence
 AND THIS?

POPULAR MUSIC AS A PROBLEM

Popular music has been a crucial element in several
youth culture movements. Popular music has regularly
provoked law and order authorities when connected to
youth culture movements. Popular music has regularly
transgressed the unwritten law of decency. Whatever
ambitions of achieving cultural respectability popular
music might have had have been limited. Popular
music has had brushes with written laws. Popular
music has had brushes with unwritten laws. Popular
music has become identified with legal problems.
Popular music has become identified with the
‘problem’ of youth.
[unfairly] adapted from Rutten, P. (1993). Popular music policy: a
contested area–The Dutch experience. in Tony Bennett et al (Eds)
Rock and popular music: Politics, policies, institutions , 37-51 .
 WHAT IS COHERENCE?

 “COHERE” means to stick together.

Coherence:
 The logical flow of ideas
 Conceptual properties that unify a sentence, paragraph
or text

Cohesion:
 The grammatical tools that we use to indicate unity

 “Whenever one sentence follows another, readers

need to see a connection between them.”
(Pinker, 2014, p.141).
 WHAT IS COHERENCE?

 Reader integrates every sentence into knowledge of

the world (or of the topic of the text): assume a
connection.
 “… because a factoid floating around in the brain
unlinked to anything else is as useless as a book
filed on a random shelf in a library or a Web site with
no links to it.” (Pinker, 2014, p.142)
 Your job as a writer is to make this linking as easy as
possible for your reader(s).

Pinker, S. (2014). The Sense of Style: The Thinking Person's Guide to

Writing in the 21st Centur y . London: Allen Lane.
 WHAT IS COHERENCE?

Your writing should be like liquid honey:

• Smooth flowing
• Sticking together
• Clear (and golden)
• Easily digestible
• Natural
• Never goes off
• Make something dry (eg. toast, history)
seem sweet and interesting
• Good for you
 BAD

POPULAR MUSIC AS A PROBLEM

Popular music has been a crucial element in several
youth culture movements. Popular music has regularly
provoked law and order authorities when connected to
youth culture movements. Popular music has regularly
transgressed the unwritten law of decency. Whatever
ambitions of achieving cultural respectability popular
music might have had have been limited. Popular
music has had brushes with written laws. Popular
music has had brushes with unwritten laws. Popular
music has become identified with legal problems.
Popular music has become identified with the
‘problem’ of youth.
[unfairly] adapted from Rutten, P. (1993). Popular music policy: a
contested area–The Dutch experience. in Tony Bennett et al (Eds)
Rock and popular music: Politics, policies, institutions , 37-51 .
 BETTER?

POPULAR MUSIC AS A PROBLEM

Popular music has been a crucial element in several
youth culture movements and in this context has
regularly provoked law and order authorities.
Furthermore, popular music’s regular transgression of
the unwritten law of decency has limited whatever
ambitions it might have had of achieving cultural
respectability. As a consequence of its brushes with
the law, both written and unwritten, popular music has
become identified with legal problems, and in
particular with the ‘problem’ of youth.

Adapted from Rutten , P. (1993). Popular music policy: a contested area –

The Dutch experience . in Tony Bennett et al ( Eds) Rock and popular
music: Politics, policies, institutions , 37-51 .
 BETTER?

POPULAR MUSIC AS A PROBLEM

Popular music has been a crucial element in several
youth culture movements and in this context has
regularly provoked law and order authorities.
Furthermore, popular music’s regular transgression of
the unwritten law of decency has limited whatever
ambitions it might have had of achieving cultural
respectability. As a consequence of its brushes with
the law, both written and unwritten, popular music has
become identified with legal problems, and in
particular with the ‘problem’ of youth.

Adapted from Rutten , P. (1993). Popular music policy: a contested area –

The Dutch experience . in Tony Bennett et al ( Eds) Rock and popular
music: Politics, policies, institutions , 37-51 .
GRAMMAR
GRAMMAR TEXT HACKS

Source: www.andertoons.com
 TEXT HACKS

Linking devices:
 PRONOUNS
eg. I/me/mine, he/him/his, she/her/hers, we/us/ours,
they/them/their, it/its, one(s)
 RELATIVE PRONOUNS
eg. who, which, that, when, where
 DETERMINERS
eg. this, that, these, those, my
 DEFINITE ARTICLE
ie. the
 SENTENCE CONNECTORS
eg. and, but, so, however, furthermore, although, nevertheless,
in contrast, as a consequence
 TEXT HACKS

INCOHERENT
1. Percy Sledge has died, and Percy
Sledge’s funeral will be on Saturday.
(pronoun)

2. Percy Sledge has died. Percy Sledge

was famous for singing “When a Man
Loves a Woman”. (relative pronoun)

3. Percy Sledge has died. His music will

live on. (connector)

4. Percy Sledge sang “When a Man

Loves a Woman”. “When a Man
Loves a Woman” became a number
one hit in 1966. (definite article)
 TEXT HACKS

INCOHERENT IMPROVED
1. Percy Sledge has died, and Percy 1. Percy Sledge has died, and his
Sledge’s funeral will be on Saturday. funeral will be on Saturday.
(pronoun)

2. Percy Sledge has died. Percy Sledge 2. Percy Sledge, who was famous for
was famous for singing “When a Man singing “When a Man Loves a
Loves a Woman”. (relative pronoun) Woman”, has died.

3. Percy Sledge has died. His music will 3. Percy Sledge has died but his music
live on. (connector) will live on.

4. Percy Sledge sang “When a Man 4. Percy Sledge sang “When a Man
Loves a Woman”. “When a Man Loves a Woman”. The song became
Loves a Woman” became a number a number one hit in 1966.
one hit in 1966. (definite article)
 TEXT HACKS

Cohesive relation Typical connectors

Similarity, and, similarly, likewise, too, furthermore, in

addition addition
Contrast despite, but, in contrast, on the other hand,
alternatively
Elaboration : (colon), that is, in other words,
furthermore
Exemplification for example, for instance, including

Generalisation in general, more generally

 TEXT HACKS

Cohesive relation Typical connectors

Exception however, on the other hand, nonetheless,
nevertheless, still

Sequence and, before, then, after, once, while, when

Result as a result, therefore, so, consequently
Explanation because (of), since, owing to
Essay Firstly, secondly, in summary, to conclude,
signposting below, above
 REPETITION: GOOD OR BAD?

Too much repetition is boring and confusing.

Not enough repetition can harm cohesion.

Use pronouns or synonyms to avoid repetition,

but make sure the synonym is more generic
than the word you’re replacing.
 REPETITION: GOOD OR BAD?

OKAY:
A famous singer and guitarist committed
suicide in 1994. The musician was only 27
years old.

WEIRD:
A famous singer and guitarist committed
suicide in 1994. Kurt Cobain was only 27
years old.
 AN EVERYDAY EXAMPLE

An expedition is making its way

through the Congo jungle. They
have been bothered for days by
some ominous drumming coming
from the depths of the dark
rainforest. Finally, the chief of the
local tribe comes out to meet with
the head of the expedition.
The explorer says to the headman,
“I don’t like the sound of that
drumming.”
The chief responds, “I know. He’s
not our regular drummer.”
 AN EVERYDAY EXAMPLE

An expedition is making its way

through the Congo jungle. They
have been bothered for days by
some ominous drumming coming
from the depths of the dark
rainforest. Finally, the chief of the
local tribe comes out to meet with
the head of the expedition.
The explorer says to the headman,
“I don’t like the sound of that
drumming.”
The chief responds, “I know. He’s
not our regular drummer.”
 THE IMPORTANCE OF CONTEXT

If the balloons popped, the sound wouldn’t be able to carry

since everything would be too far away from the correct
floor. A closed window would also prevent the sound from
carrying, since most buildings tend to be well insulated.
Since the whole operation depends on a steady flow of
electricity, a break in the middle of the wire would also
cause problems. Of course, the fellow could shout, but the
human voice is not loud enough to carry that far. An
additional problem is that a string could break on the
instrument. Then there could be no accompaniment to the
message. It is clear that the best situation would involve
less distance. Then there would be fewer potential
problems. With face to face contact, the least number of
things could go wrong.
 THE IMPORTANCE OF CONTEXT

How much can you remember?

How much did you understand?
Not much?

Adapted from Bransford, J. D., & Johnson, M. K. (1972).

Contextual prerequisites for understanding: Some investigations
of comprehension and recall. Journal of verbal learning and
verbal behavior, 11(6), 717-726
 THE IMPORTANCE OF CONTEXT

CONTEXT IS EVERY THING!

If the balloons popped, the sound wouldn’t be
able to carr y since ever ything would be too far
away from the correct floor. A closed window
would also prevent the sound from carr ying,
since most buildings tend to be well insulated.
Since the whole operation depends on a steady
flow of electricity, a break in the middle of the
wire would also cause problems. Of cour se, the
fellow could shout, but the human voice is not
loud enough to carr y that far. An additional
problem is that a string could break on the
instrument. Then there could be no
accompaniment to the message. It is clear that
the best situation would involve less distance.
Then there would be fewer potential problems.
With face to face contact, the least number of
things could go wrong.
 ACADEMIC TONE

Can be maintained using

 VOCABULARY
formal/academic (vs. informal)
impersonal (vs. personal)
unemotional (vs. emotional)

 SENTENCE STRUCTURE
use of passive structures
nominalisation
PASSIVE VOICE
 PASSIVE VOICE

 Changes structure and word order of a sentence

 Removes Agent (“doer”) - optionally
 Puts focus on Process or Action
 Takes focus away from Agent
Active:
Researchers observed a drop in CD sales.

Passive:
A drop in CD sales was observed.
 PASSIVE VOICE

 Changes structure and word order of a sentence

 Removes Agent (“doer”) - optionally
 Puts focus on Process or Action
 Takes focus away from Agent
Active:
Marvin Gaye Snr killed his son Marvin Gaye Jr
in 1984.
Passive:
Marvin Gaye was killed by his father in 1984.
 PASSIVE VOICE

 Changes structure and word order of a sentence

 Removes Agent (“doer”) - optionally
 Puts focus on Process or Action
 Takes focus away from Agent
Active:
Police arrested Sid Vicious for the murder of
Nancy Spungen.
Passive:
Sid Vicious was arrested for the murder of
Nancy Spungen.
 PASSIVE VOICE

 Changes structure and word-order of a sentence

 Removes Agent (“doer”) - optionally
 Puts focus on Process or Action
 Takes focus away from Agent
Active:
I have bored you all with grammar.
Passive:
You have all been bored with grammar.
 ACADEMIC TONE

ORIGINAL:
Five rich young Oxfordshire guys put
together Radiohead in 1991 and this had a
huge effect on rock music over the next 15
years.
 ACADEMIC TONE

ORIGINAL:
Five rich young Oxfordshire guys put
together Radiohead in 1991 and this had a
huge effect on rock music over the next 15
years.
Vocab:
Five young middle-class Oxfordshire
musicians formed Radiohead in 1991 and
this was to have a substantial effect on
rock music over the next 15 years.
 ACADEMIC TONE

ORIGINAL:
Five rich young Oxfordshire guys put
together Radiohead in 1991 and this had a
huge effect on rock music over the next 15
years.
Passive sentence structure:
Radiohead was formed in 1991 by five
young middle-class musicians from
Oxfordshire and this was to have a
substantial effect on rock music over the
next 15 years.
 ACADEMIC TONE

ORIGINAL:
Five rich young Oxfordshire guys put
together Radiohead in 1991 and this had a
huge effect on rock music over the next 15
years.
Nominalisation:
Radiohead’s formation in 1991 by five
young middle class musicians from
Oxfordshire was to have a substantial
effect on rock music over the next 15
years.
 REFERENCES

 Books:
 Clanchy, J. and Ballard, B. (1997). Essay writing for students .
Melbourne: Addison Wesley Longman.
 Copus, J. (2009). Brilliant writing tips for students .
Basingstoke, Hampshire: Palgrave Macmillan.
 Godfrey, J. (2011). Writing for university . Houndmills,
Basingstoke, Hampshire: Palgrave Macmillan.
 Pinker, S. (2014). The Sense of Style: The Thinking Person's
Guide to Writing in the 21st Centur y . London: Allen Lane.
 Strunk, W. and White, E. (1988). The elements of style . New
York: Macmillan.
 Turner, M. (2011). Clear and Simple as the Truth . Princeton
University Press.
 REFERENCES

 Web:
University of Melbourne: Improving cohesion
University of Melbourne: Connecting Ideas in Academic
Writing
University of Melbourne: Academic Style
University of Melbourne: Developing Clarity and Focus
University of Melbourne: Essay Writing Guide
University of Wollongong Academic Writing website