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K n i g h t s of the

D i n n e r T able
TM

No.5
$2.95 USA
$3.50 CAN

““MMAASSTTEERR OF THE GAME”


Knights of the

Dinner Table
KENZER & TM
COMPANY
Knights of the Dinner Table #5
“Master of the Game”
March, 1997
_______________
© Copyright 1997, Kenzer and
Company, All Rights Reserved.
Knights of the Dinner Table™
comic is published monthly by
Kenzer and Company.
Subscriptions: A one year
“Master of the Game”
subscription (12 issues) is only
$28.00 (US $32.00 in Canada and
US $50.00 Overseas).
To subscribe, send a check or By Jolly R. Blackburn
money order (made payable to
Kenzer and Company) to:
______________________
Kenzer & Co.,
Cover by Chris Adams
KODT Subscriptions,
1935 S. Plum Grove Road
Suite 194, Palatine, IL 60067
_______________________
or fax a valid Visa/MasterCard ROLE-PLAYING DEAD??? HAR HAR!!! WHY B.A. I’M SURPRISED AT YOU. WHAT IN
number, your signature, card type THE HELL WOULD PUSH YOU OVER THE PROVERBIAL EDGE. THE DOOM-SAYERS HAVE BEEN
and expiration date to us at (847)
PREDICTING THE DEATH OF RPG’S FOR YEARS. PERSONALLY, I THINK THOSE JERKS AT
397-2404.
Back Issues: Back issues and WAR-ROOM GAMES ARE BEHIND IT.
related merchandising are also
available; send US $2.00 for a
current catalog and prices. WELL. BRIAN HAS MISSED TWO
Legal Notice: Knights of the CONSECUTIVE GAMING SESSIONS.
Dinner Table, Master of the
Game, SpaceHack, KODT, Hack
Master, Gary Jackson Files, the
Kenzer and Company Logo, and GOOD GAWD!!!! NOT BRIAN!!!
all prominent characters and DAMN! I DON’T WANT TO GO BACK TO
likenesses thereof are trademarks STUDENT TEACHING. . .
of Kenzer and Company.
Mailing Address: Kenzer and
Company, 1935 S. Plum Grove
Road, Suite 194, Palatine, IL
60067. Phone/fax: (847) 397-
2404.
Internet: JollyRB@aol.com
(editorial inquiries only) or
KenzerCo@aol.com (non-KODT
inquiries only). World Wide Web:
http//members.aol.com/relkin/ken
zerco.html
Submissions: We accept
submissions for strip ideas, jokes,
cartoons, etc. We are interested in CARDS
running anything that other ACCEPTED
gamers and fans would enjoy. AS CASH
Send an SASE for writer
guidelines.
Editorial of a Madman
G
reetings! This issue of KODT marks a turning “A majority of the shareholders overlooked the
point in our usual format. We’ve decided to transgression because Jolly later ripped his stitches open
CRIES FROM THE ATTIC
expand the offering over the next few months after tumbling down a wall of glacier ice while fleeing a
and attempt to bring more ‘fun stuff’ to our readers. Kodiak Grizzly Bear,” said David S. Kenzer, Chairman
Don’t worry - we’ll be going slow and easy from of the Board of Kenzer & Company.
month to month so we can gauge feedback from our fans Jolly R. Blackburn is perhaps best known as the
and ensure we’re on the right track. We want KODT to creator of Knights of the Dinner Table™ books, the
be a publication that reminds us all, why we play games. comic books that spoofs role-players. His comic strip of
Because they’re fun, entertaining and brings friends the same name currently runs regularly in Dragon™ .
closer together. So in addition to the Knights of the Jolly is also the founder of AEG (Alderac Entertainment
Dinner™ table strips we will be bringing gamer-related Group) and Shadis Magazine™. He was the editor of
humor where ever it can be found. We’ll also be Shadis™ for six years and nurtured the magazine from
pointing readers toward any fun and exciting beer-and- its lowly first print run of 50 issues to an award-winning
pretzel games or products we have stumbled across. publication.
I invite you to help us in our quest for such material. “I'm very excited about this union!” said Jolly as
If you’re surfin’ the net, hanging out at your favorite generous amounts of Peruvian Lama Cheese were
game shop or simply playing your favorite RPG and you applied to the rope burns on his wrists and ankles. “The
come across something you think other gamers would KenzerCo team has always impressed me with their ‘go
find amusing or funny - send it our way!! get 'em’ attitude and with the quality of their products.
Some of you may have noticed a strange new logo They also make a real mean Lemon-Spritzer.”
gracing the cover of issue#4 as well as the issue you hold Jolly comes into Kenzer & Company as Vice
in your hand. Recently, I sold my mind, body and soul to President in charge of the Kingdoms of Kalamar™
a strange group gaming-fanatics in Illinois known role-playing products. Jolly replaces the last V.P., James
collectively as Kenzer and Company. Martin, who mysteriously disappeared while shopping
I’m simply going to run the press-release that for a gazebo with his wife. “Partnering with a well-
announced the union since it has all the details; respected industry leader and experienced editor like
---- Jolly demonstrates Kenzer & Company's commitment
Jolly R. Blackburn Joins the Ranks of to support and expand the Kingdoms of Kalamar line of
Kenzer & Company role-playing supplements in 1997,” explains Brian Jelke,
(and There Was Much Rejoicing) Vice President.
Kenzer & Company also plans to release a new
Palatine, IL - December 9, 1996 Knights of the Dinner Table™ comic book every
Kenzer & Company is proud to announce that Jolly month in 1997. Issue number 4 is set for release in
R. Blackburn has survived the brutal initiation rituals January. Additionally, KODT collateral products, as well
imposed on him by the Chicago-based company. The as new Monty Python products are expected throughout
initiation was the last step in KenzerCo's stringent 1997.
screening process. By surviving, Jolly has been ---
officially indoctrinated and may now sit with the other Well, that should update you on what’s been
shareholders at the table. happening around here and where we are heading. Before
Dehydrated and fatigued, Jolly wept with joy when I close, I’d like to encourage you to send us a letter, or
the news arrived that he was now an official member of email, and let us know what you think of each issue.We’d
the KenzerCo team. There was some speculation that also like to know what you’d like to see in future issues.
Jolly would be disqualified when it was discovered he Enjoy the issue and until next time, Happy Gaming!!
had accepted medical treatment during his trial by
ordeal. “A Yack-Hunter stumbled across me,” explained
Jolly. “He offered to sew up my wolf bite wounds and I
accepted his help. I didn't realize such aid was Jolly R. Blackburn
prohibited during the ordeal.”
HERE, YOU HOLD THE CARROT February, 15, 1997
FOR THE LAST TIME TRY RUBBING HIS AND I’LL PUSH THIS TIME. I WHEN ARE WE GOING TO
DAVE, YOUR ‘MAGIC HORNS AGAIN - WANT TO SEE WHAT THIS TELL HIM THE TRUTH WE CAN’T! IT
COW’ REFUSES TO SHE SEEMED TO COW CAN DO! ABOUT HIS STUPID COW? WOULD BREAK
FOLLOW YOU INTO LIKE THAT. HIS HEART.
THE DUNGEON!
Our Readers Talk Back!

TABLE TALK: READER MAIL


Dear Jolly, (killing yet another player-character)
Many years ago, (back when we all were still playing In closing, it should be said that I never even
D&D™), I ran a game where I pitted two groups against cracked a smile as all this was going on. After the
each other. Several members of Group One came up with second PC was slaughtered, I had to give in (my side
the idea of luring Group Two into a trap. was hurting)... And Group Two blamed ME for all of
You remember the Hand of Vecna and the Eye of that...
Vecna that were artifacts in the old D&D world where if So let that be a warning to you - don’t let your head
you cut off your hand (or your eye) and replaced it with the get cut off unless you really know what you’re doing.
Hand of Vecna (or the Eye) you’d get new awesome Mark Steuer
powers? steuerm@nichols.com
Well, Group One thought up The Head of Vecna.
Group One spread rumors all over the countryside (even Thanks for your hilarious story, Mark! It was so
paying Bards to spread the word about this artifact rumored similar to AGENT OF EVIL in this issue, (which was
to exist nearby). They even went so far as to get a real head based on a story-idea by Christopher Heath) that we
and place it under some weak traps to help with the had to run your letter. I have a feeling the guys in your
illusion. old group would feel right at home with the boys of
Unfortunately, they forgot to let ALL the members of KODT. - Jolly
their group in on the secret plan. A Druid in Group One
heard about this new artifact and went off in search of it Dear Jolly,
himself (I believe to help prove himself to the party I am a regular buyer of the Dragon™, and always
members) . read the cartoons. Most are sadly stale. Recently a new
Well, after much trial and tribulation, he found it; cartoon arrived called Knights of the Dinner Table, it
deactivated (or set off) all the traps; and took his “prize” certainly hits the spot, being very reminiscent of
off into the woods for examination. He discovered that it campaigns past.
did not radiate magic (a well known trait of artifacts) and It arrived at Dragon with little fanfare, other than
smiled gleefully. saying it came from another magazine called Shadis™,
I wasn’t really worried since he was alone and I knew which I had never heard of. Keep up the good work.
that there was no way he could CUT HIS OWN HEAD Lawrence P. Sinderson
OFF. Alas I was mistaken as the Druid promptly Dartford, England
summoned some carnivorous apes and instructed them to Thanks Lawrence for your kind letter. Yes, KODT
use his own scimitar and cut his head off (and of course appeared in Shadis magazine from issue 2 through 20. I
quickly replacing it with the Head of Vecna) founded Shadis in 1990 and served as editor for the next
Some time later, Group one decided to find the Druid six years until my decision to move on about a year ago.
and to check on the trap. They found the headless body KODT has appeared in Dragon since issue 226. A spin-
(and the two heads) and realized that they had erred in their off strip, The Gary Jackson Files appears in The
plan (besides laughing at the character who had played the Familiar Magazine.
Druid). The Head of Vecna still had BOTH eyes!
They corrected this mistake and reset their traps and the Dear Jolly,
Head for it’s real intended victims. Group Two, by this I picked up the latest Dragon today, and flipped
time, had heard of the powerful artifact and decided that it straight to my favorite part, the Knights...I always get
bore investigating since, if true,they could use it to destroy such a chuckle out of the column. It’s like I’m reading
Group One. my own group of gamers!
After much trial and tribulation, they found the resting Well, keep up the great work on Knights...I love it,
place of The Head of Vecna! They were particularly and truly, it is the reason I buyDragon.
impressed with the cunning traps surrounding the site (one Peter Miller
almost missed his save against the weakest poison known Internet Email
to man). They recovered the Head and made off to a safe
area. Group Two actually CAME TO BLOWS (several
rounds of fighting) against each other arguing over WHO
WOULD GET THEIR HEAD CUT OFF! hey hack-jockies!
Several greedy players had to be hurt and restrained
before it was decided who would be the recipient of the got something to say?
great powers bestowed by the Head. The magician was send us your letters at:
selected and one of them promptly cut his head off. As the KODT MAILBAG
player was lifting The Head of Vecna to place it on it’s 1003 Monroe Pike
new body, another argument broke out and they spent Marion, IN 46953.
several minutes shouting and yelling. Then, finally, they or email us at
put the Head onto the character.
Well, of course, the Head simply fell off the lifeless JollyRB@aol.com
body. All members of Group Two began yelling and
screaming at each other (and at me) and then, on their own,
decided that they had let too much time pass between
cutting off the head of a hopeful recipient and put the Head
of Vecna onto the body. SO THEY DID IT AGAIN!...
Who’s Who in the Group
B.A. is 30 years old and lives with his parents. When he isn’t
gaming he works part-time in his dad’s dry cleaning shop. B.A.
dropped out of college to follow his dream of being a game
designer. He sunk $6,000 into his first gaming product, DOG:
the Role-Playing Game which was a bomb. B.A. suffered a
nervous breakdown and left gaming for a few years before
picking up his dice bag again. He founded the Knights of the
Dinner Table in 1976.
B.A. Felton

Bob is 26 years old and also lives with his parents. He is


currently unemployed even though he’s taken over 8 years of
vocational classes at a local tech college. He has a habit of losing
his job because of his temper and sharp tongue. Bob was the first
due-paying member of the group. Bob is from the old school of
role-playing and believes it’s all about breaking things and
killing people. He made the local papers once when he got lost in
the steam tunnels under the tech college for seven days.

Bob Herzog

Dave is 22 years old and attends Ball State University where


he is studying cultural anthropology and dance theory. Dave
was introduced to role-playing by Bob, whom he met at a local
paintball tournament. Dave is a true blooded hack-n-slasher
who becomes bored easily. He often forgets to bring his
character sheet to the game and tends to borrow someone else’s
dice. Dave originally joined the group to take advantage of the
free munchies.
Dave Bozwell

Brian is 27 years old and lives alone. He manages to make a


modest living operating a local computer bulletin board and selling
painted miniatures. Brian is typically quiet and utters only three
word sentences unless a rule has been broken or his character has
been maligned. Even though Brian can’t remember his own phone
number, he can recite entire passages of various rule books from
memory. He claims to have a girlfriend but no one has ever seen
her.
Brian VanHoose
Sara is 25 years old and is B.A.’s cousin. She recently moved back
to Muncie, Indiana from Wisconsin and is the newest member of the
group. Unfortunately, Sara is also the only female in the group and
fights a lonely battle to bring more role-play into the group’s gaming
sessions and less hack-n-slash. Sara has decided it is her sworn
obligation to bring the other members of the group around to her
style of play. She attempts to do this by example but occasionally
has to resort to threats and physical bullying to make her point.
Sara Felton
Gary Jackson is fondly known as the, “Gawdfather of Gaming”
by millions of gaming enthusiasts around the world. His failing
wargame company, Hard 8 was about to close it’s doors for good
in 1977 when Gary tossed the dice on a hastily produced role-
playing game, T h e H a c k M a s t e r s o f E v e r K n i g h t . The first
print run was quickly snapped off the shelves and soon frantic
distributors were calling Gary’s three man shop with pleas of,
“More!”. Gary has been riding Hackmaster spin-offs ever since.
Gary Jackson
Edmund Finely was once Gary Jackson’s paperboy. One morning he
was coerced into filling an empty chair during a play-testing
session of HackMaster and became ensnared in ‘Gary’s Game’. That
was twenty years ago and Edmund has been on the Hard 8 team ever
since (though he’s only been on the payroll for the past four
months). Edmund wears the proud title of “Director of Research
and Development” and recently oversaw the production of his first
written work, A b e , B a b e s a n d R o l l e r B l a d e s described as a
“sexy, zany, time-travelling romp through history and fashion”.
Edmund Finley
Victor Fergueson became known as the ‘Lord of Steam’ when he adapted the
HackMaster rules to live-action play and began taking hand-picked groups of players
on late-night forays into the labyrinth of steam tunnels beneath Ball State University.
After ‘Fergueson’s Folly’ made national headlines (Victor and his group were lost for
7 days prompting a massive rescue search) the steam tunnels were secured and
dozens of entrances were sealed with concrete. There are several contradicting
accounts of what happened weeks later on the evening of January 5th, 1987 but it
involved a satchel of C-4 high explosive, a miscalculation of the expected blast
radius, and a medical evac of the Campus Administration Building which collapsed
during an attempt to breach the steam tunnels. The incident earned Victor the
nickname, “Nitro’ and 5 years probation.
Nitro Fergueson
“Weird” Pete Ashton is 46 years old and is the sole proprietor of a
local gamestore called the “Games Pit”. Pete is proud of the fact that
he was one of the co-designers of the cult classic role-playing game,
“LYNCH M O B ” . P e t e l o v e s t o r e l a t e t h e s t o r y o f h o w h e w a s b u r n e d b y
his partners and lost “millions.” Pete is always available for advice
and oddly seems to be very bitter about the hobby he loves so much.
He was a major stockholder in Hard 8 Enterprises but sold his shares
mere days before HackMaster was released.
Weird Pete
Spaced Out Based on a suggestion by Anthony Gallela

HEY GUYS! AS WE AGREED LAST WEEK, WE’RE GOING TO OH, WELL, HE’S WAY KEWL. HE HAS EXCEPTIONAL
PLAY SPACKHACK FOR A WHILE. AFTER YOU STRENGTH, UNGAWDLY WISDOM, AND CYBERNETICALLY
BADGERED AND BULLIED ME, I FINALLY AGREED THAT YOU ENHANCED STEALTH CAPABILITIES . HE’S 24 YEARS OLD,
COULD ROLL UP YOUR OWN CHARACTERS AT HOME. IF YOU HE’S A GRADUATE OF SPACE LEAGUE ACADEMY. HE WAS
GOT CARRIED AWAY I’M NOT GOING TO ALLOW YOUR AWARDED THE IMPERIAL STAR-LEGION MEDAL OF BRAVERY.
CHARACTERS AND YOU’LL HAVE TO CREATE NEW ONES. HE OWNS TWO SMALL MOONS IN THE SYSTEM OF KALABRA.
HIS DAD IS SOME RICH DUDE WHO LEFT ALL HIS MONEY TO
OKAY BOB, LET’S
MY CHARACTER. OH...AND I HAVE A DOG NAMED KILL JOY .
START WITH YOU.
HE’S FULLY CYBERNETICALLY-ENHANCED INCLUDING LASER-
TELL ME ABOUT
GUIDED NEVER-STOP PERSONAL COMBAT MISSILES.
YOUR CHARACTER.
OH, I ALMOST FORGOT, HIS NAME IS MAJOR MAT MURDY.
KEWL HUH?
WOW!

BOY, I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO SAY BOB. YOU MUST I WAS LUCKY. I ROLLED A NATURAL 100 ON MY GENE POOL ROLL.
HAVE ROLLED PRETTY GOOD NUMBERS ON THE I WAS A CHILD PRODIGY. ENTERED THE ACADEMY AT THE AGE OF
PRE-EXPERIENCE TABLES. ONE 12. GOT A MEDAL FOR THAT SOMEWHERE ON MY CHARACTER SHEET
SMALL PROBLEM. YOU SAY YOU’RE ONLY 24.
STAR LEAGUE ACADEMY IS A 12 YEAR SCHOOL. WAY TO GO BOB!! GEESH! I DIDN’T EVEN KNOW SOME
THAT CHARACTER OF THOSE THINGS WERE IN THE
RULES!! TABLES.

I’M PLAYING STERLING LURGE. HE WAS A STAR-RANGER , TWICE DECORATED UNTIL HE WAS
ZAPPED BY A MORDELIAN BLASTER . HIS BRAIN WAS SALVAGED AND A TEAM OF IMPERIAL SURGEONS
WELL, YOU’RE PLACED IT IN A FULL CYBORG-MILITARY COMMANDO ARMORED BODY.
NEXT DAVE. CHECK IT OUT DUDE - I’M STAINLESS STEEL.
HA! JUST WAIT TIL YOU HAVE
IMPRESSIVE TO REPLACE ONE OF THOSE
OH WOW!! YOU GOT SERIES 920X POWER CELLS IN
CHARACTER DAVE.
THE CYBORG BODY?? THAT ARMOR DUDE!
GAWD I WANTED
THAT SO BAD.

6
MY CHARACTER IS KINDA BLAND COMPARED TO YOURS, GUYS. I’M PLAYING A SPACE-ROGUE
LET’S GET THIS OVER WITH. NAMED, VERA CRUISE! I HAVE A GOVERNMENT-ISSUE LASER-PISTOL, A SACK FOR
OKAY SARA, LET’S HEAR OF SPACE-FOOD STICKS AND A GOOD-CONDUCT DISCHARGE MEDAL.
ABOUT YOUR CHARACTER.
SNICKER - WE CAN’T ALL BE YOU SHOULD HAVE JUST
GNARLY ACADEMY GRADS - STARTED OVER AND ROLLED A
YOU ALRIGHT B.A.? YOU
SARA. NEW CHARACTER.
LOOK KINDA PALE?

THANKS SARA. I WELL I OPTED FOR CHARACTER-GENERATION METHOD D: BUILDING POINTS. I GAVE UP 12 POINTS
THINK YOUR OF INTELLIGENCE, SIX POINTS OF STRENGTH AND NINE POINTS OF DEXTERITY. THAT GAVE ME 750
CHARACTER IS ADDITIONAL BUILDING POINTS FOR A TOTAL OF 1395. I ALSO TOOK A CHARACTER FLAW WHICH
JUST FINE. GAVE ME AN ADDITIONAL 300 BUILDING POINTS. USING THOSE POINTS I WAS ABLE TO MAX OUT
OKAY BRIAN. LET’S MY PROFICIENCY IN ALL 50 BASIC STARSHIP SKILLS, 14 DIFFERENT WEAPONS AND 4 MEDICAL
HEAR ABOUT YOUR SKILLS - INCLUDING TELEPATHIC-HEALING-TO-SELF.
CHARACTER.
YOUR A GAWD AWESOME!
BRIAN!

THAT’S GREAT BRIAN, BUT YOU SAY YOU GAVE UP 12 WELL I ORIGINALLY HAD 15 INTELLIGENCE. I
POINTS OF INTELLIGENCE? THAT’S A HELL OF A GAVE UP TWELVE SO THAT WOULD LEAVE ME
SACRIFICE. HOW MUCH INTELLIGENCE DID YOU END UP WITH A THREE INTELLIGENCE.
WITH?

7
THREE INTELLIGENCE???? hey, i’ll make him HA HA!! can you believe it?
BRIAN ARE YOU INSANE? my cabin boy. MR. RULES_LAWYER
WITH SUCH A LOW INTELLIGENCE HOW DO maybe i can teach goofed up. he’s screwed.
YOU EXPECT TO FUNCTION IN A STAR- him to polish my
FARING SOCIETY? IN FACT, YOU HAVE TO gravity-boots.
HAVE AT LEAST A 9 INTELLIGENCE TO brian? it’s not like you to
EVEN POSSESS MOST OF THOSE SKILLS make such a major blunder.
YOU MENTIONED.

BRIAN!! DUDE!! I FEEL EMPTY INSIDE. THE


AND WHAT ABOUT YOU’RE THE MASTER OF BIG GUY HAS LOST HIS EDGE.
YOUR STRENGTH THE GAME!!! YOU’RE I NEVER THOUGHT I’D SEE
AND DEXTERITY?? LOSING IT MAN! THE DAY!!
you sacrificed alot of
points on those
attributes as well.!! BRIAN WAS ALWAYS THE GUY WELL GUYS, THIS IS
you got GREEDY!!! i WHO COULD FIND A LOOP-HOLE SPACE HACK!! IT’S NOT
expect that from bob and IN THE RULES. EXPLOIT A OUR NORMAL GAMES.
dave but YOU!! MISTAKE TO THE FULLEST. BRIAN JUST DIDN’T
HAVE TIME TO MASTER
THE RULES YET.

GEE GUYS, HAVE A LITTLE FAITH IN ME HUH?? I DID MENTION I TOOK A CHARACTER FLAW!! WELL I
IT’S ME, BRIAN, HERE!! SHEESH!!!! JUST HAPPENED TO HAVE CHOSEN FLAW NUMBER 17 ON PAGE
23 - DRUG ADDICTION! NOW THEN, APPENDIX C STATES THAT A
I’M THE KING OF PLAYER MAY ‘CHOOSE’ THE CHEMICAL SUBSTANCE HIS
RULE-LOOPHOLES. CHARACTER IS ADDICTED TO OFF OF TABLE 4A ON PAGE 23. I
CHOSE ITEM NUMBER FIVE ON THAT LIST: RYTHIAN-BLUE.
THE PRINCE OF IF YOU CHECK ISSUE 23 OF HACKMASTER MAGAZINE YOU’LL
SHODDY-RULE FIND AN ARTICLE BY NORMAN BOWZER WHICH DETAILS THE
EXPLOITATION. AFFECTS AND PROPERTIES OF RYTHIAN BLUE. OH, I MIGHT ADD
THAT GARY JACKSON HIMSELF APPROVED THIS ARTICLE AS
‘OFFICIAL’ SPACEHACK MATERIAL. WELL, ACCORDING TO MR.
BOWZER’S ARTICLE, RYTHIAN BLUE RAISES INTELLIGENCE
PERMANENTLY 1D8 POINTS. I ROLLED A 7.

8
THAT GIVES ME AN MODIFIED INTELLIGENCE OF 10 . SO THAT SOLVES THE INTELLIGENCE ISSUE. NOW, AS FOR
MY STRENGTH AND DEXTERITY. .. STAR LEAGUE ACADEMY GAVE ME A MEDICAL DISCHARGE BECAUSE OF MY LOW
ATTRIBUTES. ACCORDING TO PAGE 29, ‘ALL MEDICAL DISCHARGES FROM THE ACADEMY RECEIVE 50,000 CREDITS FOR
SEPARATION PAY.” AWFULLY GENEROUS OF THEM. I USED MY SEP-PAY TO PURCHASE A TOP OF THE LINE POWERED
SUIT. +5 TO STRENGTH, +5 TO DEXTERITY.
IN SHORT GENTLEMEN I SACRIFICED 27 TOTAL ATTRIBUTE POINTS , TOOK A MAJOR CHARACTER FLAW AND ENDED UP
WITH A CHARACTER WITH ABOVE AVERAGE STATS, 64 MAJOR SKILLS MAXED OUT, A POWERED ARMOR SUIT AND SOME
POCKET CHANGE. IS THAT KEWL OR WHAT???
YOU ARE THE
HOODY-HOO! I’LL TELL MY KIDS LOOP-HOLE
I’LL NEVER DOUBT YOU ABOUT THIS! KING!!
AGAIN BIG GUY!

WELL LA-DE-DA!! AND THANK YOU MR. BOWZER FOR A LITTLE LATER..
YOUR CONTRIBUTION TO SPACEHACK!! FINE! LET’S JUST
OKAY, THE FUEL GAUGE ON YOUR SHIP HAS BEEN MALFUNCTIONING.
GET ON WITH THE GAME. SHALL WE???
APPARENTLY DAVE’S LASER-BLAST TO THE CONSOLE DID SOME
DAMAGE AFTER-ALL! YOU BETTER LAND YOUR SHIP IMMEDIATELY
OR YOU’RE IN DANGER OF BECOMING A DRIFTING HULK!!

SORRY GUYS! IF I COULD HAVE KILLED THAT BILGE-RAT WITH ONE


SHOT INSTEAD OF THREE I WOULDN’T HAVE HIT THE CONSOLE.
DAMN!! I’LL
HEY WHAT ABOUT
LOOK FOR A
THAT PLANET WE GOOD IDEA!
PLACE TO SET
JUST PASSED? I’LL SCAN IT!
DOWN!!

OKAY. IT’S A WATER PLANET. THERE’S NO SPACEPORT LISTED


ON THE CHARTS. THERE ARE ONLY STAGE 2 DEVELOPMENTS
ON THE SURFACE. YOU’D BETTER LAND SOON THOUGH. YOU’RE STAGE 2!! CRUD!!
RUNNING ON FUMES. THAT’S PRETTY LOW. WE HEY WAIT A
MAY BE STUCK HERE FOR A MINUTE!! WHAT
WHILE GUYS. KIND OF DRIVE IS ON THIS
EASY THERE BOB!!
I’LL TAKE US INTO A LOW SHIP??
DON’T FORGET TO PUT
ORBIT - LOOKING FOR A THE LANDING GEAR
PLACE TO LAND THIS DOWN THIS TIME.
BABY!!

9
LET’S SEE....UH IT’S WELL DUH!!! NO PROBLEM GUYS. THAT DRIVE IS EQUIPPED WITH A STANDARD R75
A STANDARD STAR COLLECTION SKIMMER. ALL WE GOTTA DO IS SKIM THE OCEAN SURFACE AND WE
LEAGUE HYDROGEN HAVE ALL THE HYDROGEN WE NEED. WE’RE BACK IN BUSINESS. CRIPES!! I WAS WORRIED
DRIVE. WHY? THERE FOR A MOMENT.

I’M GLAD YOU’RE ON JUST DOING MY JOB


YEAH!!! GO DEFINITELY GONNA TELL MY OUR SIDE.
BRIAN GO!!! AS SCIENCE OFFICER.
KIDS ABOUT YOU SOMEDAY.
I LOVE YOU THAT’S ALL.

HYDROGEN IS A VERY RARE ARE YOU


HEY WAIT A ELEMENT!! YOU CAN’T JUST SKIM IT KIDDING?? H20!!
MINUTE!!! YOU OFF THE WATER LIKE CREME OFF A CUP OF SOUND FAMILIAR?? THAT’S
CAN’T DO THAT!!! HOT CHOCOLATE!! WHAT THE ‘H’ STANDS FOR
B.A. SLEEPING IN CHEMISTRY
WHY THE HELLO!! SCIENCE TO 101 WERE WE??
HELL NOT?? B.A.!! COME IN!!
BE NICE.

THIRTY MINUTES LATER


HAVE YOU EVER HEARD OF THE PERIODIC TABLE OF
LOOK! JUST BECAUSE YOU’RE GANGING UP ON ME ELEMENTS?? HUH? HYDROGEN IS AT THE TOP. IT’S THE MOST
DOESN’T MEAN YOUR RIGHT. HYDROGEN IS RARE I’M COMMON THING IN THE UNIVERSE. REALLY!! I’M NOT LYING TO YA.
GOING TO LET YOU TRICK ME JUST SO YOU CAN
HAVE YOUR WAY. COME ON B.A. B.A. THEY’RE RIGHT.
WE’RE WASTING LET’S MOVE ON.I
EVER HEAR THE EXPRESSION THE GAME TIME.
ONLY THING MORE COMMON THAN
HYDROGEN IS STUPIDITY?

10
A WEE BIT LATER...
OKAY, YOU HEAR A STATIC-HUM AND THE PIRATE CAPTAIN
OKAY, THE PIRATE CAPTAIN AGREES TO BEAM OVER TO YOUR BEGINS TO MATERIALIZE ON THE BRIDGE. YOU NOTICE THAT....
BRIDGE. HE SAYS THAT IN THE INTEREST OF PEACE HE WILL
TRUST YOU NOT KEEP YOUR WORD AND ALLOW HIM TO
FREELY LEAVE IF THE TALKS DON’T GO WELL. WHILE BOB’S DOING THAT I’M
LOCKING THE SHIP’S RAIL-
I BLAST HIM GUNS ON THE PIRATE SHIP
WITH MY AND LETIN’ EM RIP!!!
PULSE-
RIFLE!!!
I GUESS I SET UP THE
CONFERENCE ROOM FOR
NOTHING, HUH?

FOOLS!!! AS I WAS ABOUT TO SAY, AS THE PIRATE CAPTAIN BEGINS TO MATERIALIZE ON THE BRIDGE YOU SUDDENLY
REALIZE THAT THE FORM TAKING SHAPE IS NOT A HUMAN AT ALL BUT A TIRILLIEAN-NUCLEAR DEVICE. YOU
HAVE JUST ENOUGH TIME TO SEE THE COUNT-DOWN METER CLICK FROM 3 TO 2 TO 1 BEFORE THE BOMB’S BLAST TURNS YOU AND
YOUR SHIP INTO A BRILLIANT FLASH OF THERMAL ENERGY.
HOW MUCH DAMAGE HEY WAIT A SEC!
FOWL! FOWL!! THAT DIRTY DID I TAKE? NO WAY THAT COULD
ROTTEN CHEAT!! I KNEW WE
COULDN’T TRUST HIM. HAPPEN ON MY WATCH!

WELL ACCORDING TO THE SPACEHACK TECHNICAL MANUAL, PAGE 23, ALL SPACE LEAGUE
OH? AND TRANSPORTERS HAVE STANDARD SAFE-GUARDS BUILT INTO THEM. THE TRANSPORTERS WILL AUTOMATICALLY
WHY SHUT-DOWN IF IT DETECTS NUCLEAR MATERIAL WHEN ATTEMPTING TO SEND OR RECEIVE A TRANSPORT-BEAM.
NOT?
THAT WAS GAWD,
WAY TO GO BRIAN!! CLOSE. YOU’RE
MAN I THOUGHT WE BOUGHT GOOD!
THE FARM THAT TIME.

11
DAD BLAST IT!!! I HATE THIS STUPID GAME. TOO SORRY B.A.!! YOU SAID IT YOURSELF. THAT BOMB
MANY VARIABLES. FINE, FINE!! THE PIRATES’ HAD THREE SECONDS LEFT ON THE COUNTER.
ATTEMPT TO BEAM THE BOMB ONTO YOUR SHIP FAILS. A
FEW MOMENTS LATER THEY KICK IN THEIR JUMP DRIVES WHEN THE TRANSPORTER SHUT
AND LEAP OUT OF ...... DOWN THAT BOMB WAS LEFT
TICKING ON THE PIRATE’S
TRANSPORTER PAD.
DON’T YOU MEAN A FEW MOMENTS LATER THEY
BLOW UP!!! THOSE GUYS ARE DEAD!
KABOOM!!

WHAT ARE YOU


TALKING ABOUT???

GOOD TRY!! FORGET THE STUPID BOMB. I MADE A MISTAKE. THE PIRATES WOULD HAVE KNOWN IT WOULDN’T HAVE
WORKED SO IT NEVER HAPPENED. OKAY, SO THE PIRATE SHIP JUMPS OUT OF SYSTEM AND.....

NO WAY!!! YOU IF BRIAN HADN’T CAUGHT YOUR MISTAKE WE’D YOU’RE BEING DON’T DISGRACE
GOTTA LIVE BY ALL BE DEAD RIGHT NOW. I SAY THOSE UNFAIR B.A. THE SCREEN,
YOUR CALLS THE PIRATES ARE DEAD OR I GO HOME! B.A.!! ADMIT TO
SAME AS WE DO! YOUR MISTAKE.

OH COME ON!! NOW WE’VE DONE IT!!LAST BRIAN, MAYBE YOU SHOULD YEAH, AND MAYBE I
FLIP THE TIME WE GOT TO HIM LIKE CHOKE IT DOWN AND LET B.A. COULD BLOW A 10-
TABLE, THROW THIS HE DESIGNED A DUNGEON WIN EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE. SIDER THROUGH A
SOME DICE, WITH SPIKED PITS EVERY 10 SODA STRAW.
BUT DON’T NOT!!
FOOT SQUARE.
QUIT IN THE
MIDDLE OF A
GAME!!

12
Conquer and Deny based on a story by christopher heath and ned allen

WELL, I WAS SURE


HEY GUYS I THOUGHT WE’D GIVE ROLE-PLAYING A REST THIS WEEK AND DUST LOOKING FORWARD TO
OFF THE OLD RISQUE GAME. WHAT DO YOU SAY? SOME ROLE-PLAYING.
RISQUE EH?? AWH THE
WE’VE PLAYED THAT A HUNDRED YEAH, WHAT NEXT? MEMORIES. I’VE YET TO MEET
TIMES, B.A. I’M SICK OF IT. IF I CANDYLAND?? MY TACTICAL EQUAL IN THE
WANTED T0 PLAY A BOARD GAME I’D GAME. I RETIRED FROM THE
BABYSIT MY SISTER’S KIDS. GAME IN 89 UNBEATEN.

WELL, IT’S LIKE THIS. WE CAN’T GO FIVE MINUTES PLAYING HACKMASTER WITHOUT SOMEONE
ARGUING OVER A RULE CALL. HALF OF GARY JACKSON’S RULES CONTRADICT THE OTHER HALF. JUST FOR THE RECORD
RISQUE IS SIMPLE, TRIED-AND-TRUE AND BEST OF ALL, I CAN PLAY TOO. I NEED A BREAK. ONLY 23 PERCENT OF
(SIGH) I’LL GO THE HACKMASTER
YEAH, ME TOO. ALONG WITH THE RULES ARE
WELL, IF YOU NEED A BREAK I GUESS I
RISQUE IT GROUP I SUPPOSE. CONTRADICTORY.
CAN PUT UP RISQUE FOR ONE NIGHT.
IS THEN!

GREAT! I’VE GOT A FEW SURPRISES FOR YOU THOUGH. I’VE SPRUCED UP THE GAME A BIT BY ADDING
I’LL PLAY BUT IN THE
THE CONTINENT OF ANTARCTICA AND ATLANTIS. THE LATER CONTINENT FLOATS AROUND THE BOARD.
INTEREST OF
ALSO THERE’S MY HOME-BREWED DECK OF BLUE CARDS YOU GET TO DRAW FROM AT THE START OF
FAIRNESS I’LL
YOUR TURN. THEY CONSIST OF NUKES, MUTANT ARMIES, PLAGUE AND FAMINE, ETC.
HANDICAP MYSELF.
HEY! I ALWAYS PLAY BLACK. NO I’M ONLY TAKING 50
NUKES???? BLACK ARMIES - I WALK! PERCENT OF MY
THAT ROCKS! GAWD STARTING ARMIES.
BLACK HELP
ARMIES!! I US!
CALLED!!

13
A FEW MOMENTS LATER OH...UH...WHILE YOU’RE DOING THAT B.A. I’M GOING TO RUN
OKAY, LOOKS LIKE WE’RE ALREADY TO PLAY. LET’S ROLL TO SEE OUT TO MY VAN AND GET MY...UH...MY LUCKY SIX-
WHO GOES FIRST. UH....ACTUALLY, UH..BEFORE WE GET STARTED, SIDERS. CAN’T PLAY RISQUE WITHOUT THE OL’
LET ME CHECK ON THE CAT. I...UH....THINK HE’S OUT OF WATER. LUCKY SIX-SIDERS. BE RIGHT BACK.
LUCKY SIX-SIDERS?? ACCORDING TO
HURRY UP THEN. I DON’T LIKE THE RULES YOU HAVE TO PLAY WITH THE DICE
ANY INTERRUPTIONS ONCE WE THAT CAME IN THE BOX.
START PLAYING. IT DISRUPTS MY
STRATEGIC MIND-SET.

HURRY
BACK!

UH HUH!!! YOU SEE THAT? THEY I KNEW THEY WERE UP TO SOMETHING. LOOK WHERE THEY PLACED THEIR ARMIES!!
MUST THINK WE’RE STUPID OR THEY’RE GOING TO TRY AND CATCH US IN A CLASSICAL PINCHER MANEUVER!! DUDE,
SOMETHING. LOOKS LIKE A LITTLE WE’VE GOT TO FORM A NON-AGGRESSION PACT! THE TWO OF US
UNDER-THE-TABLE WON’T ATTACK EACH OTHER UNTIL EITHER BRIAN OR B.A. HAVE BEEN ELIMINATED. AT
DIPLOMACY TO ME. THAT POINT THE PACT IS NULLIFIED. AGREED??
YA VOW MINE COMRADE ILL DUCHY!!
AGREED! OF COURSE THIS
MEANS I’M SO
MUCH CANNON-
FODDER!

A LITTLE LATER... WELL THAT MAKES IT MY TURN. I’LL CONTINUE MY


THAT’S THE FIFTH TURN
YOU’VE JUST BUILT UP AMBITIOUS SWEEP OF ASIA. LET’S SEE I’M ATTACKING
OKAY, I’LL BUILD UP IN DEFENSES! THE NAME OF THE THE UKRAINE FROM KAMCHATKA!!! JUST ONE MORE
ALASKA AND REINFORCE IN GAME IS RISQUE NOT VICTORY AND I’LL CONTROL ALL OF EUROPE AND ASIA!!
MEXICO. THAT WILL END CAUTION THAT’S TWELVE ADDITIONAL ARMIES PER TURN!!
MY TURN. HAR HAR!! TASTE MY WRATH!!

14
DUDE YOU GOTTA BREAK OUT OF AFRICA AND TAKE TELL YA WHAT!! I’M CASHING IN MY CARDS FOR 50 ARMIES NEXT TURN.
SOME TERRITORY FROM BRIAN!! HE’S GETTING TOO WITHDRAW YOUR TROOPS FROM WEST AFRICA. THAT WAY I
POWERFUL. CAN PUNCH THROUGH AFRICA AND HURT BRIAN..
ARE YOU KIDDING?? LOOK WHAT HAPPENED IN WHAT? ALLOW FOREIGN TROOPS ON MY SOIL?? I
EUROPE!!! HE PULVERIZED ME. I LOST 150 MEN DON’T THINK SO. WHAT’S TO KEEP YOU FROM SWEEPING
TRYING TO HOLD ICELAND. AFRICA IF I DID THAT?
WELL I CAN’T GET TO HIM. I’M TRAPPED HERE OOOOOOHHH!! I
DUDE! IT’S ME!! WE WELL....OKAY. I’M
IN SOUTH AMERICA WITH B.A. BREATHING DIDN’T KNOW YOU
HAVE A PACT RIGHT? TRUSTING YOU.
DOWN MY NECK!! COULD CASH IN
I’D NEVER BREAK A I’M WITHDRAWING ALL
PACT WITH A MY TROOPS FROM YOUR CARDS FOR
STAUNCH ALLY! WEST AFRICA. ARMIES.

YEP!!

NEXT TURN... YOU DIRTY ROTTEN TRAITOR!!!


OKAY I HAVE 75 ARMIES IN WEST AFRICA. A QUIET HUSH I KNEW I COULDN’T TRUST A COMMIE BASTARD!!!
SETS IN AROUND THE WORLD AS IT WAITS FOR THE RED YOU’LL NEVER LEAVE AFRICA ALIVE!!!
SCOURGE TO ATTACK THE EVIL GREEN EMPIRE OF BRIAN!!
BUT WAIT!!!! WHAT’S THIS??? THE RED SCOURGE TURNS
SOUTH INTO THE SOFT UNDERBELLY OF
AFRICA!!!!
RA
THROW DOWN T
RA TLE
SOME DICE DAVE!!! TTL
E
YOU’RE
BEING
RA INVADED!!
T
RA TLE
TTL
E

BOOM BABY BOOM!!! THREE AS THE SMOKE CLEARS


SIXES!!! TAKE ‘EM OFF!!!
HA!!AFRICA IS NEARLY BROKEN!
AGAIN! AGAIN!!! BOOM BABY
UMMMFF CHUKA-LUKA,
BOOM!!! TAKE ‘EM OFF!!!
UMMMF CHUKA LUKA!!

WHAT THE WHY IT’S THE RED SCOURGE VICTORY SONG!!!


HELL IS GET USED TO IT!! CAUSE I’M GONNA BE SINGING
THAT?? IT OVER YOUR GRAVE IN A FEW MOMENTS.
GRRRRR!!!
BACKSTABBING LITTLE.... HERE IT
KA
OO A
SH K COMES!
OO
SH

15
THIRTY BLOODY MINUTES LATER...
HA! SORRY DUDE!! TOO BAD YOU GUYS ARE
I’M CASHING IN MY CARDS FOR 125 ARMIES!! AND THEN MY I ROLLED FIVES AND FIGHTING IN VAIN!!
BLACK ARMIES OF DEATH ARE LAUNCHING SIXES!! MY GREEN EMPIRE IS
THEIR BLITZKRIEG!! I’M ATTACKING SOUTH YOUR LITTLE BLITZKRIEG JUST STEADILY MOVING
AFRICA FROM MADAGASCAR!! FIZZLED!! TAKE OFF SIX ARMIES. TOWARD AFRICA.

NO PROBLEM!!! MY LEGIONS
OF WRATH ATTACK AGAIN!!!
DEATH BEFORE DISHONOR!!!!!
ROLL AGAIN
E
TTL
RA TLE
T
RA

YES!!! MY WELL TRAINED, CRACK TROOPS ARE HOLDING.


I PUT THE PERUVIAN DICE-JINX ON YOUR ATTACK!!! JINX! ONE’S!!
JINX! JINX!! JINX!! ROLL
ONE’S!!

BIG SIXES!!!
COME ON BOYS!!
GIVE ME BIG
SIXES!!
RA
T
RA TLE
TTL
E

HEY I TOLD YOU TO CUT WELL THERE’S NOTHING IN THE RULES ABOUT JINXING DICE. IF
HA!!! TAKE EM’ THAT OUT!!! THAT WASN’T YOU CAN’T HANDLE IT DAVE, I HEAR THERE’S A GAME OF
OFF!! THAT WILL TEACH FAIR!! YOU CAN’T JINX CHUTES AND LADDERS GOING ON DOWN AT MOTHER
YOU TO ... GAAAA!! ANOTHER MAN’S DICE!! CROCK’S PRE-SCHOOL!!
I DEMAND A RE-ROLL!!
TAKE IT LIKE A
MAN DAVE.
HEY COME ON GUYS,
BREAK IT UP.!!

16
OKAY, IT’S PAYBACK TIME. I’M PLAYING THIS BLUE CARD DIRTY NUKE?? WOW!! SO NOW SOUTHERN AFRICA AND
ON YOU!! DIRTY-NUKE!!! YOUR EXPEDITIONARY EACH BORDERING TERRITORY IS UNINHABITABLE FOR THE REST
FORCES SUSTAIN 50 PERCENT CASUALTIES!!!!! OF THE GAME!!!

HA! UNLESS YOU JUST HAPPEN TO HAVE THE BLUE


CARD, NUKE-RETARDANT!!! MY ARMIES ARE
IMMUNE TO RADIATION!!

WELL IT AIN’T OVER YET CUE BALL!

IF IT’S GOING TO CAUSE


HURT FEELINGS MAYBE WE
SHOULD JUST QUIT??

QUIT??? DID ROMMEL QUIT BEFORE A LITTLE LATER..


SACKING THE KREMLIN??
WELL, I’VE SECURED ASIA, EUROPE AND AFRICA. WHERE TO
YEAH!! AND DID FROM HERE?? SARA’S SITTING ALL NICE AND SNUG IN
OH...WELL.
ALEXANDER PACK IT UP AUSTRALIA - NOT REALLY MUCH OF A THREAT AT THIS POINT.
FAR BE IT FROM
AND GO HOME BEFORE ME TO ARGUE AND BOB AND DAVE ARE
TOPPLING THE MING WITH HISTORY. SLUGGING IT OUT FOR SOUTH
DYNASTY?? I DON’T AMERICA. WOULD HATE TO
THINK SO!! DISTURB THEM. SORRY B.A.!!
THE TIME HAS COME FOR OUR
TREATY TO BE SHATTERED!!

TWO TURNS LATER there’s no stopping the big guy


now! all we can do is fight to the
THAT WAS BRUTAL!! last man and die with honor!!
CRUD!! i rolled twos he’s like a green slime
and threes!! you take oozing across the globe!! losers!! as tsu sun once said, “There is
mexico and i’m out of no honor in defeat!! fight to win!”
the game. (sigh)

17
WELL, I GUESS I JUST SORRY BRIAN!! LOOKS LIKE YOU’RE GOING TO GET THE
CAN’T SIT HERE IN FULL BRUNT OF MY BREAK-OUT FROM
AUSTRALIA THE AUSTRALIA!! NOTHING PERSONAL..
WHOLE GAME!!! I’M
CASHING IN TWO SETS HUH?? OH..UH...RIGHT SARA.
OF CARDS!! THAT NOTHING PERSONAL. BUT I WARN
SHOULD GIVE ME 175 YOU I AIN’T GONNA PULL MY
ARMIES. OH, AND I HAVE PUNCHES.
THIS BLUE CARD,
“NOBLE CAUSE”
WHICH DOUBLES THE
VALUE OF MY CARDS
SO THAT’S 350 ARMIES
TOTAL!!!

TWENTY MINUTES LATER...


YOU LOSE FIVE ARMIES.. GREAT!! I OWN ALL OF ASIA NOW. GUESS I’LL KEEP YOU ON THE RUN AND
MOVE INTO EUROPE. YOU KNOW, THIS GAME IS ACTUALLY FUN! I THINK I SEE THE ATTRACTION NOW.

MERCY!! LOOK AT THAT! THE GREEN EMPIRE


SHE’S SLAPPIN’ HIM AROUND LIKE WAS NOTHING BUT A
A RED HEADED STEP CHILD!! STRAW GIANT!

I HATE THIS STUPID


GAME!!!! ARRRRGGGHHH!!
you know, in the
FOG OF WAR you never
see it coming!

18
Beating the Odds Based on a story by Hal Mckinney

MAN, I’VE BEEN LOOKING FORWARD TO YOU BET! I THOUGHT I’D A CLERIC?? BUT THEN BOB’S PLAYING A
RUNNING THIS ADVENTURE. LET’S GET PLAY A CLERIC THIS TIME OUR PARTY WON’T HAVE CLERIC?? THIS A
GOING! UH, BOB, YOUR CHARACTER, OUT. HIS NAME IS A THIEF. WE JUST GOTTA GOTTA SEE.
LITTLE LEFTY WAS KILLED NICKY THE HAVE A THIEF.
LAST WEEK. DO YOU HAVE A NEW MONK
CHARACTER READY?
I SEE A BAD
MOON ARISIN’

BOB, WE GOT TO TALK ABOUT THIS NEW CHARACTER. I YEAH! I’M TELLING YOU I WAS REALLY FLOORED AT MY
FIND IT A LITTLE STRANGE THAT THERE ARE NO INCREDIBLE LUCK!! IMAGINE THE ODDS, HUH?
STATS UNDER 18. IF THAT WEREN’T ODD ENOUGH
YOU ALSO HAVE 18/100 STRENGTH.!!!

I DON’T WANT TO EMBARRASS YOU THIS SUCKS!!! I HAVE AN BOB HAVE SOME TACK! EVERYBODY CHEATS ON A STAT OR
BOB BUT I DON’T THINK I WOULD INCREDIBLE STREAK OF TWO FROM TIME TO TIME. BUT YOU WENT OVERBOARD.
CALL THIS A CASE OF YOU JUST GOOD LUCK AND YOU
BEING ‘LUCKY’. ACCUSE ME OF ASSUMING YOUR DICE HAVE
CHEATING?? FAIRLY TRUE EDGES
MAN, WHAT 2,2846.732.913.5 TO ONE WOULD
ARE THE BE A FAIR ESTIMATE.
ODDS?

19
WELL THERE’S BEEN A RASH OF ‘LUCKY STREAKS’ LATELY DID I EVER TELL YOU ABOUT MY FIRST CHARACTER, TAR
AND I’M FED UP WITH IT. I THOUGHT THE HONOR SYSTEM ON MARKVAR?? HE STARTED OUT A LOWLY THIEF WITH
CHARACTER GENERATION WOULD SPEED UP THINGS AND THE MOST PATHETIC STATS YOU EVER SAW. BUT LITTLE
GIVE US MORE TIME TO GAME. FROM NOW ON ALL TAR WENT ON TO BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH.......
CHARACTER GENERATIONS HAVE TO BE WITNESSED!!
I HATE HIS STORIES ABOUT TAR MARKVAR!!
HE ROLE-PLAYS A WIMP CHARACTER ELEVEN
YEARS AGO AND HE ACTS LIKE A MARTYR!!
HE NEVER TELLS THE STORY HOW
TAR WAS KILLED BY A BLIND
BEGGAR AFTER ATTEMPTING TO
STEAL A COIN FROM HIS TIN-CUP.

THE FOLLOWING WEEK! IT’S TRUE B.A. BOB ROLLED TEN NATURAL 18’S IN MY
HEY, I’M TELLING YOU THE PRESENCE. I WAS TRULY ASTONISHED! I MEAN....WHAT CAN
DICE WERE HOT!!! AND I HAD YOU SAY?? WOW!
BOB??? ALL 18’ S??? MY WITNESS SO IT’S ALL
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, GIVE ME A OFFICIAL. DAVE WAS THERE OH BROTHER! SOUNDS A LITTLE FISHY
BREAK HUH?? AND HE EVEN SIGNED OFF ON TO ME. BUT THEN AGAIN,
MY CHARACTER SHEET. IF DAVE SAW IT WITH
HIS OWN EYES...

AND WHAT’S THIS? DAVE’S NEW CHARACTER? WHY LOOK AT I ROLLED SO MANY TIMES THAT I BLISTERS??
THIS, ALL 18’S!! WHAT A SURPRISE!! OH, BUT I SEE IT’S HAVE BLISTERS ON MY HANDS. YOU SHOULD
SIGNED OFF BY BOB. SO IT MUST BE KOSHER. YOU GUYS USE MY
REALLY TAKE THE CAKE YOU KNOW THAT? CHARACTER
I GUESS YOU WANTED THOSE GENERATION
HONEST B.A.!!! WE USED UP 18’S PRETTY BAD THEN. PROGRAM.
TWO REAMS OF PAPER AND A
BOX OF NUMBER 2 PENCILS.

20
YOU GUYS DON’T KNOW THE FIRST THING ABOUT ROLE-PLAYING!!! IT’S NOT ABOUT HAVING THE MOST POWERFUL RELIC OR
MAXIMUM STATS!!! WHAT POSSIBLE SENSE OF ACCOMPLISHMENT CAN YOU GARNER FROM THAT?? TRUE ROLE-PLAYING IS TAKING
THE RAW MATERIAL THAT’S GIVEN TO YOU - THAT STREAM OF NUMBERS AND STATS ON THAT PIECE OF PAPER YOU HOLD AND
TURNING IT INTO SOMETHING NOBLE AND HEROIC!! I WISH I COULD MAKE YOU UNDERSTAND THAT. TAKE MY LOWLY THIEF TAR
MARKVAR!! HIS STATS SUCKED. EVERYBODY TOLD ME TO SCRAP HIM AND ROLL UP A NEW CHARACTER. YOU WERE THERE
BRIAN - REMEMBER THAT? BUT I TOOK THAT LITTLE GUY AND WENT ON TO BLAH, BLA...
JUST SMILE AND
IF I EVER RUN INTO THAT RUNT I’M GONNA RUN HIM THROUGH FOR
GREAT! ANOTHER PRETEND YOU’RE
HAVING TO LISTEN STORIES ABOUT HIM ALL THESE YEARS.
LESSON ON MARKVAR ENTHRALLED OR HE’LL
THE WUSS! KEEP GOING ON AND ON.

I JUST DON’T GET IT! WE ROLE-PLAY SO WE CAN BE WELL, SOME GUYS JUST AREN’T CUT OUT TO BE PLAYERS. POOR
HEROES AND KICK THE BUTTS OF DRAGONS, ORCS AND SAPS ARE RELEGATED TO BEING SPECTATORS OR WORSE YET,
BEASTIES. B.A. ROLE-PLAYS GEEKS AND LOSERS! GAMEMASTERS.
THAT’S IT!! I’M DOING MY TRUE, THE GAMEMASTER
AND THEN TAR SAID TO THE KING, TERM PAPER FOR PSYCH 101 CAN BE A SAD AND
“WHY? DO YOU LOSE ONE?” HA HA. ON YOU GUYS!! MELANCHOLY FIGURE. THE
AND THE STUPID KING DIDN’T GET IT.
GAMER WHO NEVER PLAYS.
SO HE THREW TAR IN THE DUNGEON
AND BLAH...BLAH..

BOB’s TIPS: HOW TO BE ANNOYING AT THE GAMING TABLE

1. Put your dice in your mouth and swish them around for ‘good luck’ before you roll your to-hits.
2. Bring a cellular phone to the game and call friends for advice when your character faces danger.
3. Wear the name tags to EVERY convention you’ve ever attended to the game.
4. Do sound effects for all the monsters and encounters the Gamemaster announces.
5. Stubbornly insist on buying other gamers’ dice then they roll good numbers.
6. Say “Too Bad, So Sad” whenever someone’s character dies using a PeeWee Herman voice.
7. Give all your characters unpronounceable names and then insist that others call them by name.
8. Give nonsensical hand-signs to the GM causing the other gamers to think you’re up to something.
9. Constantly write sticky notes that say, “Hi how are ya!” and pass them to the GM during play.
10. Look at other players’ character sheets and then frantically write yourself a note.
11. Ask other players, “So....when your character sleeps where does he keep his stuff?”
12. In the middle of an exciting encounter look at the GM and say, “Your heart’s not in this is it?”
[Dave - if you can think of any thing for this list go for it. I was inspired by the lsit you sent
me. Delete any you don’t think are funny.}

21
Can’t Buy Me Luck story suggested by Richard Bartle

OKAY BOB, AS YOU ENTER THE ROOM YOU ARE PA-LEEZE!! IT’S JUST
CONFRONTED WITH A LONE ORC. HE’S A SCRAWNY ORC!
CAREFUL BOB!!! YOU
BRANDISHING A SMALL AXE. SINCE YOU KICKED
KNOW THE DICE HAVE
THE DOOR IN, HE’S SURPRISED SO YOU HAVE THE
BEEN WORKING AGAINST YEAH BUT BOB’S BEEN ON AN
INITIATIVE!!
YOU ALL NIGHT!! UNLUCKY STREAK FOR TWO
WEEKS. HE FUMBLED 8 TIMES
LAST WEEK AND FOUR TIMES
I’M GOING TO WASTE HIM WITH TONIGHT.
THAT SWORD I JUST FOUND!!

SECONDS LATER....
OH MAN! WASTED BY TALK ABOUT BAD LUCK!
A COMMON ORC. I HOPE IT ISN’T CATCHY.
I UH....(WHIMPER)...I UH, ROLLED A ONE. I FUMBLED. IS THERE ANY LOWER FORM
OF DEATH??
OH MAN AND THE ORC ROLLED A RESSURECTING THAT
CRITICAL HIT!! ACCORDING TO THE CHARACTER WOULD BE AN
CHART HE JUST ACT OF CRUELTY!
DECAPITATED YOU.

NEXT WEEK. WELL HE WON’T BE SEEING ME AGAIN ANYTIME DON’T WORRY BOB! I’M SURE THINGS
SOON. I’M GOING TO LAY LOW AND PLAY IT SAFE WILL TURN AROUND FOR YOU.
OKAY THE RESSURECCTION WAS UNTIL THIS UNLUCKY-STREAK GOES AWAY.
SUCCESSFUL.
IF THIS CLERIC GAVE OUT BOB’S BEHIND ME??
GREENSTAMPS YOU’D BE ABLE GOOD IDEA BOB!! I’LL TAKE THE WATCH THOSE
TO TRADE IN FOR A STEREO POINT. YOU GUARD OUR BACKS. FUMBLES STICK-BOY!
SYSTEM OR SOMETHING BY NOW.

22
A LITTLE LATER..
GAAAAA!!! I’M EASY BOB! YOU CAN DO IT! JUST THINK
AS THE GROUP IS MOVING DOWN THE
A DEAD MAN!! YOU NEVER MISS WITH HIGH
CORRIDOR YOU HEAR A SCRAPING SOUND
I’LL LET LOOSE WITH MY YOUR CROSSBOW! NUMBERS!!!
FROM BEHIND. BOB YOU SPIN AROUND TO
CROSSBOW OF DOOM!! FOCUS ON THE
SEE FOUR KOBOLDS EMERGING
FROM A SECRET DOOR! HOLD ON BOB!! DICE!!
YOU CAN ROLL TO HELP IS ON THE WAY!!
HIT BOB!!!

I CAN’T DO IT! DAVE, YOU ROLL FOR ME. FOR CRYING OUT LOUD I ROLLED A ONE!
DAMN!! THE TORCH-BEARER
WAS MORE EFFECTIVE AS A
NO WAY!!! THAT’S BAD KARMA.
AS YOU TRIED TO RAISE FIGHTER THAN BOB!! NOW WE’RE
I MIGHT INHERIT YOUR BAD LUCK.
YOUR CROSSBOW YOU REALLY HURTING.
THANKS BUT NO THANKS. YOU ROLL
FUMBLED. ONE BOLT
YOUR OWN DICE!
HITS BRIAN’S DUDE!! YOU BOB IS INFLICTING
CHARACTER IN THE KILLED LITTLE MORE DAMAGE ON
BACK. THE OTHER ONE KNOBBY US THAN THE
KILLS THE TORCH- FOOT! DUNGEON.
BEARER.

THAT’S IT!!! I’M INTERVENING. BOB, WE’VE GOT FIRST WE EMPTY YOUR DICE BAG OUT ON THE TABLE. EACH ONE OF
TO PURGE YOU OF YOUR BAD LUCK. LET’S US ROLLS EACH DIE IN THE BAG UNTIL WE EACH GET A
GO DOWN THE CHECKLIST. MAXIMUM RESULT ON EACH DIE!! SECOND, WE RUB EACH
DIE ACROSS GARY JACKSON’S SIGNATURE IN MY AUTOGRAPHED COPY
OF HACKMASTER: PLAYER TIPS AND
TACTICS. AND FINALLY, WE PUT ALL THE DICE BACK IN THE
WELL TAKE IT BAG AND SHAKE IT 100 TIMES TO REDISTRIBUTE THE LUCK.
FROM THE TOP,
STEP BY STEP. WELL LET’S HURRY!! YEAH, THAT’S WHAT
I CAN FEEL MOTHER HE NEEDS. A GOOD
MISFORTUNE PRESSING DOWN ON OLD FASHIONED,
ME AS WE SPEAK. DICE-CLEANSING.

23
YOU’VE TRIED THIS BEFORE?? THERE’S ALWAYS THE DANGER THAT BOB’S BAD LUCK
DOES IT REALLY WORK?? WILL BE TRANSFERRED TO ONE OR MORE OF US!!

IN CASES THIS SEVERE - IT


USUALLY TURNS THINGS AROUND.
THERE IS A RISK THOUGH.... I SAW IT HAPPEN TO
JOHNNY KAZINSKI AT
RISK?? AND WHAT’S THAT?? GARYCON 91!!!
HE NEVER PLAYED
AGAIN!!!

YEAH, POOR JOHNNY! HE WAS BANNED FROM TOURNAMENT PLAY WASN’T JOHNNY THE GUY WHO PUT SUPERGLUE ON
- BLACK BALLED!!! I HEAR HE’S A YOUNG-DEMOCRAT ALL THE TOILET SEATS AT THAT CONVENTION??
NOW. RUNS A BURGER&BEANS IN DES MOINES. I DON’T THINK BAD-LUCK HAD ANYTHING TO DO WITH...
NO BOB, WE’RE A TEAM. WE PLAY
LOOK GUYS, THIS IS MY MONKEY!! YOU TOGETHER AND WE TAKE RISKS
DON’T HAVE TO RISK YOUR OWN LUCK TOGETHER. LET’S DO IT!!
TRYING TO HELP ME.

LATER THAT NIGHT!


OKAY THE DRAGON IS GOING TO DO TWO CLAW ATTACKS ON BOB, A TAIL SWIPE ON BRIAN AND A BITE
ATTACK ON DAVE. LET’S SEE....HUH?? FOUR FUMBLES??? THAT’S THE FIFTH TIME SINCE BOB’S PURGING THAT I’VE FUMBLED!!

ALRIGHT!! WE’LL YOU GUYS REALLY THERE YOU SEE B.A!! I TOLD YOU TO RUB
HEY, I THINK CLEAN UP ON EP AND DON’T BELIEVE IN YOUR DICE ON GARY’S NAME RIGHT TO LEFT
B.A. TREASURE!! LET’S FLOATING BAD- BUT YOU INSISTED ON LEFT TO RIGHT!
CHANNELED PLAY OVER-TIME LUCK DO YOU?
MY BAD-
LUCK!!!

24
Agent of Evil!! Story by CHRISTOPHER HEATH and Mark steuer

OKAY, YOU’VE MADE IT TO THE FINAL CHAMBER OF


LABYRINTH OF VECTRA!!! YOU’RE STANDING IN AT LAST!!! THE INFAMOUS INNER
FRONT OF TWO LARGE BRONZE DOORS EMBOSSED WITH CHAMBER OF VECTRA!!! AND YOU SAY THE
VECTRA’S SEAL. A STERN WARNING READS, “ONLY THOSE WHO SEAL IS STILL INTACT??? OH MAN. I’VE BEEN
SERVE THE DUKE OF EVIL SHALL ENTER THESE DOORS!” WAITING A LONG, LONG TIME FOR THIS.
I CAST A BASH-DOOR SPELL.
SO WHAT DO
YOU DO NEXT?

A LARGE CIRCULAR ROOM IS REVEALED WITH A IT’S EVIL!! WHAT??? YOU DON’T
DOMED-CEILING. IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROOM IS BRIAN WAS RIGHT!! I SAY WE DESTROY DESTROY THE SINGLE
AN ALTAR. MAGICAL FLAMES DANCE FROM EACH IT’S THE IT!! BEFORE IT’S TOO MOST POWERFUL RELIC
CORNER OF THE LARGE MARBLE BLOCK. LEGENDARY LATE. IN THE
LYING IN THE CENTER OF THE ALTAR ON A VELVET HAND OF HACKMASTER’S
PILLOW IS A SEVERED HAND!!! IT IS VECTRA!! GM GUIDE!!
ADORNED WITH DOZENS OF RINGS AND BRACELETS.

A HAND??
THEN IT’S
TRUE!!

I SLICE OFF MY OWN HAND AND NO WAY!!! I’M


ATTACH VECTRA’S HAND TO THE NUB. CLOSER, B.A. I GRAB
THE HAND IS MINE!!!! MY AXE AND HACK
OFF MY HAND. THAT
ARTIFACT IS GOING ON THIS
BLOODY STUB RIGHT HERE BUD!!
CHOPPITY-CHOP!!

25
WELL, IF THAT’S THE WAY IT’S GONNA BE. I WON THE ROLL!!
DAVE AND BRIAN WILL HAVE TO ROLL FOR YOU’RE ACTUALLY I WON THE ROLL!!
INITIATIVE TO SEE WHO CAN HACK OFF DAVE IS STILL SAWIN’ AWAY
HEY DON’T FORGET DUELING TO SEE WHO
THEIR OWN HAND THE
I’M USING MY CAN MAIM BUT MY HAND IS ALREADY
QUICKEST. BRIAN GETS A +2 BONUS FOR
USING AN AXE. HACKMASTER +12!! THEMSELVES FIRST? LYING ON THE GROUND!!
HAR HAR - LOSER!!
DAMN!!! ALL I
HAVE IS THIS STUPID
CROSSBOW! SOMEBODY
LOAN ME A DAGGER.

MY HAND IS CUT OFF TOO!!!


I’M GOING TO WRESTLE WITH THE BIG OAF FOR IT! OKAY WISE
THAT HAND IS MINE!!! GUYS!!! WHICH HAND
DID YOU EACH CUT OFF??
THE RIGHT OR
LEFT??

UH....UH....BRIAN, WHICH HAND UH...UH...I CUT OFF


IS THE HAND OF WHAT’S WRONG HAR HAR!!!
DAVE?? A LITTLE MY LEFT
VECTRA?? IS IT A LEFT YOU BLEW IT
RUSTY ON OUR HAND! NO, MY
HAND OR A RIGHT HAND. BUDDY!!! OR
KNOWLEDGE OF RIGHT. WAIT,
SHOULD I SAY,
NO, THE LEFT.
MAJOR ARTIFACTS STUBBY!!
AND RELICS?? DAMN.
I’M AFRAID
TSSK, TSSK. UH...ER...OKAY,
THAT’S A
OKAY,, I CUT
LEFTY ON
OFF MY
THAT ALTAR.
RIGHT
HAND.

26
BRIAN’S RIGHT, DAVE. THE HAND IS USELESS TO YOU!!! THAT HAND IS AN
LOOKS LIKE YOU GET THE HAND BRIAN. AS YOU PLACE THE EVIL RELIC!
HAND TO YOUR STUB, IT..... IT’S POWERS CAN ONLY BE
USED TO FURTHER EVIL!
MY CHARACTER IS LAWFUL
GOOD AND HAS TAKEN A VOW
WAIT!!!! TO FIGHT EVIL!! I DRAW
I CAN’T MY SWORD AND
LET THIS ATTEMPT TO
HAPPEN!! STOP BRIAN!!

SARA?? WHAT IN THE HELL


AWH COME ON
ARE YOU DOING??? BRIAN, DON’T TAKE IT PERSONAL. I’M JUST SARA. WE’VE NEVER
YOU’RE STANDING PLAYING MY CHARACTER. IF YOU ATTACH RAISED ARMS AGAINST
AGAINST ME??? HUH?? THAT HAND TO YOUR STUB YOU’LL BECOME EACH OTHER. STEP
AN AGENT OF EVIL. ASIDE.
UH, THOSE OF YOU WITH SEVERED
HANDS LOSE 5 HIT POINTS PER ROUND. I’LL BACK YOU UP
SARA!!! AS SOON AS I
PSST, PSST. TIE OFF MY STUB.
HEY B.A. WHILE THEY
ARE FIGHTING I’M GONNA
GRAB THE HAND.

HA HA!!! LISTEN UP NUMB BOB, I’LL GIVE YOU 6,000 GP’S IF YOU
DICE!!! WHILE YOU WERE BUSY CHOPPING I’LL GIVE YOU 4,000 GP’S DESTROY IT RIGHT NOW!!
OFF YOUR HANDS AND BICKERING I GRABBED THE NOW AND I’LL THROW IN
HAND. LET’S PLAY A LITTLE GAME - SHALL MY MAGIC COW*.
HERE’S A BID! MY FIST
WE?? IT’S CALLED, BOB’S ARTIFACT IN YOUR FACE
AUCTION!!! THE HAND GOES TO THE BOBBY-BOY!! HAND
HIGHEST BIDDER. BIDDING STARTS AT 5,000 GP’S OVER THAT HAND - NOW!!
HMMM...THIS
IS GETTING
INTERESTING.

* See Cows of War - KODT #2 27


HMMM....I GOTTA GO WITH DAVE’S BID. DAVE, THINK ABOUT WHAT
SORRY SARA. BUT I’VE ALWAYS HAD YOU’RE DOING!! I’M TELLING
MY EYE ON THAT COW. THROUGH IN YOU GOT A DEAL
DUDE. WILL YOU YOU THAT HAND IS EVIL. I’M WARNING YOU BOB!
THE MAHOGANY YOKE AND THE IT WILL DESTROY YOU! I WANT THAT HAND.
COPPER-BELL AND IT’S A DEAL DAVE. HELP ME CUT MY
OTHER HAND OFF? GIVE IT UP!
HERE, USE MY
DAVE, BRIAN, BOTH HACKMASTER +12
OF YOU GUYS ARE
STILL BLEEDING
PRETTY BAD.

I’M TAKIN’ DAVE’S SWORD AND OH, I’VE GOT TO HOLD UP


NO PROBLEM!! IF I EASY THERE BOB!! STOP THIS. BUT I
HACKING HIS HAND OFF. SARA. I HAVE
MISS THE FIRST MAKE IT A CLEAN HATE ATTACKING A PLAN. BE
TIME, I’LL JUST TRY CUT!! MY TEAM-MATES! PATIENT.
AGAIN.
WELL, YOUR CHARACTER ISN’T
PROFICIENT WITH A 2-HANDED
SWORD BOB SO I’M GIVING YOU
A -4 MODIFIER.

DAMN!! OKAY, INSTEAD OF SEVERING DAVE’S HAND


I ROLLED A ONE! AT THE WRIST, YOU MISSED AND TOOK OFF
A FUMBLE. HIS ARM AT THE SHOULDER.

DAVE, YOU TAKE 10


POINTS OF DAMAGE.
YOU’RE BLEEDING
PROFUSELY TOO.

28
YOU STUPID JERK!!! DUDE, RELAX!! I’M PICKING UP
YOU DID THAT ON PURPOSE. VECTRA’S HAND AND
NOW WHAT THE HELL AM I ATTACHING IT YOUR SHOULDER. IT’S (SIGH) ANOTHER
GONNA DO??? I GOT NO MAGICAL, AIN’T IT?? MAYBE IT WILL POLAROID
HANDS!! GROW A NEW ARM FOR YA! MOMENT
COMING UP.
WELL DO SOMETHING!!!
I FEEL EXPOSED HERE. I
CAN’T EVEN WIELD MY
HACKMASTER +12

YOU PLACE THE HAND ON DAVE’S THIS AIN’T NICE TRY GUYS!! B.A., I’M TAKING
SORRY DUDE!!
SHOULDER AND IT INSTANTLY FUNNY!! MY AXE AND HACKING
I MEANT WELL.
MESHES WITH HIS FLESH. UH, COME ON, MAN!! THAT HAND OFF OF DAVE’S
GUESS YOU WON’T NEED
SORRY DAVE. IT DIDN’T GROW A FIX ME!!! MAKE IT BODY. NOT LIKE HE CAN DO
YOUR SWORD BACK.
NEW ARM FOR YA. YOU NOW HAVE RIGHT!! ANYTHING TO STOP ME.
(SNICKER!)
A HAND PROTRUDING FROM YOUR
SHOULDER JOINT.

A FEW HOURS LATER... WELL? SOMEBODY PAY THE MAN! I CAN’T DARN!! I REALLY
GET TO MY COIN POUCH AT THE MOMENT. WANTED THAT HAND!!
okay, the HEALER says he’ll MAYBE WE CAN
give you a group discount. he’ll at least i was able to PURSUE THAT RUMOR
reattach three hands, one arm, I GOT DIBS ON destroy the evil relic ABOUT THE HEAD
and resurrect bob all for 10,000 THE INCENSE!! before it did any harm OF VECRA!!
gp’s. he’ll even throw in some
free incense and some temple-
literature.

29
now that we are monthly, we need your ideas and suggestions for KODT STORies MORE
THAN EVER!! what are you waiting for?? this could be just the thing you’ve been waiting
for - your name in bold letters on cheezy newsprint for all the world to see!!! photo-
copy this page and write your own classic KODT story ideas. Mail your entry* to
KODT: 1003 MONROE PIKE, MARION INDIANA, 46953
KODT IDEA SEARCH

* The Fine Print: All entries become the property of Kenzer&Company.


If your idea is used you will receive a free copy of the issue it appears in.
Life’s a
It’s A Gamer’s Life

BRIAN’S SMALL PRESS PICKS


Game!!
PLAY!! Mirth of Yore
Price: ??
Starlance Publications
50 Basin Drive
Mesa, WA 99343
Compiled by James B. King
_____
If you love KODT, then you’ll
BRIAN’S appreciate these collections of
PICKS gamer-cartoons. Cartoonists
include, Phil Morrissey, Joseph
Pillsbury, Richard Tomasic and
others. Most of the toons were
originally published in Dragon™
or Different Worlds. These
published in 1990 and 1991. Be
sure to write and inquire about
price and availability.
Brian’s Rating: GottaHave

Yamara
Price: $9.95
Originally published by Steve Jackson Games
Distribution now being handled by;
Aetherco
P.O. Box 801 Rhinebeck, NY 12572
By Chris Adams & Barbara Manui
_____
Yamara ran in Dragon magazine for several years and is dearly
missed by fans. You may have missed this 64 page, full-sized
Yamara book. The bulk of the book is a collection of the Yamara
strips which ran in Dragon. The remainder of the book is filled with
maps, fictional pieces, and zany fillers. Please write first, or email
yamara@aol.com to inquire about price and availability
Brian’s Rating: CheckItOut

Throwing Stones
Collectible Dice dueling/rpg game
Price: 9.95
Gamesmiths Inc.
P.O. Box 2133
El Sequndo, CA 90245
Game Design by Jeff Siadek
______
This kewl game came out in 1995 and was
over-looked or missed by a lot of gamers.
Throwing Stones are unique dice that come in
a plastic tube with rules. (nine to a tube).
The dice can be used to duel another player
in an arena with spells and weapons. This
makes it a great beer-and-pretzel game. But
hold on! You can also use Throwing Stones
as a role-playing engine to run adventures. A
separate, 96 page rule book is available for
those want to delve further.
Brian’s Rating: Worth-a-Look
Chalk One Up For Bart
For those of you who watch the SIMPSONS™ you may
have noticed in the opening credits, Bart is being punished
and writing something 100 times on the blackboard. The
following is a compilation of the various phrases poor Bart
has had to scrawl out in chalk over the past few seasons.
I will not carve gods.
PARTING SHOTS

I will not spank others.


I will not aim for the head.
I will not barf unless I’m sick
I will not expose the ignorance of the faculty.
I saw nothing unusual in the teacher’s lounge.
I will not conduct my own fire drills.
Funny noises are not funny.
I will not snap bras.
I will not fake seizures. I will not call my teacher “Hot Cakes”.
This punishment is not boring and pointless. Garlic gum is not funny.
My name is not Dr. Death. They are laughing at me, not with me.
I will not defame New Orleans. I will not yell “Fire” in a crowded classroom.
I will not prescribe medication. I will not encourage others to fly.
I will not bury the new kid. I will not fake my way through life.
I will not teach others to fly. Tar is not a plaything.
I will not bring sheep to class. I will not Xerox my butt.
A burp is not an answer. It’s potato, not potatoe.
Teacher is not a leper. I will not trade pants with others.
Coffee is not for kids. I am not a 32 year old woman.
I will not eat things for money. I will not do that thing with my tongue.
I will not yell “She’s Dead” at roll call. I will not drive the principal’s car.
The principal’s toupee is not a Frisbee. I will not pledge allegiance to Bart.
I will not call the principal “spud head.” I will not sell school property.
Goldfish don’t bounce. I will not burp in class.
Mud is not one of the 4 food groups. I will not cut corners.
No one is interested in my underpants. I will not get very far with this attitude.
I will not sell miracle cures. I will not belch the National Anthem.
I will return the seeing-eye dog. I will not sell land in Florida unless I actually own it.
I do not have diplomatic immunity. I will not grease the monkey bars.
I will not charge admission to the bathroom. I will not hide behind the Fifth Amendment.
I will never win an emmy. I will not do anything bad ever again.
The cafeteria deep fryer is not a toy. I will not show off.
All work and no play makes Bart a dull boy. I will not sleep through my education.
I will not say “Springfield” just to get applause. I am not a dentist.
I am not authorized to fire substitute teachers. Spitwads are not free speech.
My homework was not stolen by a one-armed man. Nobody likes sunburn slappers.
I will not go near the kindergarten turtle. High explosives and school don’t mix.
I am not deliciously saucy. I will not bribe Principal Skinner.
Organ transplants are best left to professionals. I will not squeak chalk.
The Pledge of Allegiance does not end with “Hail Satan”. I will finish what I sta
I will not celebrate meaningless milestones. “Bart Bucks” are not legal tender.
There are plenty of businesses like show business. Underwear should be worn on the inside.
Five days is not too long to wait for a gun. The Christmas Pageant does not stink.
I will not waste chalk. I will not torment the emotionally frail.
I will not skateboard in the halls. _______________
I will not instigate revolution.
I will not draw naked ladies in class. Have a joke or cartoon you’d like to share???
I did not see Elvis. send it to KODT: 1003 monroe pike, marion, in 46953

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